The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Episode #10 - Thrown chairs, cops called, and part time wakes

Episode Date: November 7, 2023

A lot of laughs on this week's episode of The Check In. Joey and Lee tell funny stories from all of The Church offices including when one of them got robbed. Joey and Lee talk about Lee seeing Bill Burr, a joke Doug Stanhope made Joey tell, fights at comedy shows, messing with people at UFC fights and much more! The Check In is supported by: Support the show & get a 4-week trial of Stamps.com plus free postage & a digital scale at https://www.stamps.com/JOEY New customers can score $200 instantly in bonus bets for throwing down just $5 on the NBA. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & use code JOEY Support the show and your mental heath. Get 10% off your 1st month of therapy at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ  

All right. What's going on? You're just going to sit there and stab me like I'm on law and order? Oh, no, I thought when you were ready, we were going to play the intro. All right, play the intro. Let's do it. What's happening, you Savage's Uncle Joey here? The checking is brought to you by Stamps.com.

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click the microphone at the top of the page, and press in code Joey. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If I'd go for Joey to do it, I could fucking rule the world. I feel you've got to be thinking. Welcome back to show! What's happened?

November the 6th, we're here. It's a whole new month with a whole new set of rules. Hold on after the phone rang, I had to shut my thing on airplane mode and practice. People are going to start bothering me any minute. What's going on, my little brother? I'm just happy to see you, dude. It's great.

It's Thanksgiving pretty much. All right, beautiful. I got the little red suit on today, like one of those Christmas dudes that helped Santa Claus. I got the new lighting. I got the bookshelf up, like an animal. animal. I got the books in there, the albums. I'm feeling good, brother. It's a whole new week, a whole new

month. You should be looking at it just the same. I'm excited. Why didn't you decide to redo your office? Because it looked like fucking debt. I wanted to set it up on my computer, my desk over there. I got my little podcast studio right here. You know, TikTok, my goo. No drama, no nothing. I don't got to drive behind a dirty building at night.

When I leave, I'm thinking I'm going to get mugged. Somebody sent me a picture where the old church was. Which one? The one next to the in and out? No, the one where we ended it. Okay. What happened? It looks like a bomb hit that place.

It looks like a bomb hit it. Like the grass growing in the parking lot. Somebody broke down the fence, you know. Well, that was a weird office. Like, they were all very nice. But that way, like, and they got, well, remember the lady stole two of our bongs?

Well, to be fair, we did leave them in the, like we left them, I think, walking a bat and you see a bong, you leave it there. You don't touch that stuff. That's like bumping into a dead chicken on a corner in New York City.

You leave that thing. You don't touch that stuff. You don't go to, you don't call SVU and check out the chicken. You know what I'm saying? You just keep walking. Oh, they got so mad. And it really broke the camels back at the first office

when they kept accusing us of smoking weed. And we were really good. We never smoked weed in that office. And then from that office on, we were like, we're going to smoke in every fucking office. No, we, I remember I went to one off with my wife that was like,

it looked like where they put Adam Sand on the longest yard. They had like aluminum. It must have been 115 fucking degrees. When I walked in, I go, what's the air? He's like, we keep it at 68, 68. 68. 68. You better turn that down to 32.

It was dying in here. It was metal all the way up in the valley. No buildings around it, nothing. The sun's beating on it all day. No, I'm not doing this. Then we had the place in the ghetto by the 7-Eleven on the corner. Right. That was the first one.

And that's where we got thrown out. We kept down on the door. There was an earthquake there. My uncle did it. He got stuck. you know, that was Luke office. How we kept it going after that

is beyond me. It's beyond me. Because we were in that office. We were searching around, but in the meantime, I was walking with a crib one day. Uh-huh. And I'm walking towards that little park

where they used to shoot tons of anarchy and all that shit. And I see a guy standing outside our podcast studio. And I go up to my... Hey, man, I did a podcast in there years earlier. It was Gray Drake's podcast. So I knew they did a podcast in there.

And I go, I did a podcast in there one time. Is there any offices? And he goes, no. I said, I'll leave my number. He goes, all right. 11 months later, as we were getting thrown out of the other place, he called this with that place. And then.

I think we're the only podcasting together. thrown out of multiple offices. I don't know how long we did the stint where you found the guy in the alleyway sleeping up on... Oh, that guy was there for a while. That was there up on by the in and out. There was just a homeless dude. I think about that guy a lot. He was so smart. He broke in and he just laid there. He laid against the wall. He didn't say anything. He didn't do it. And everyone was just like embarrassed or like... I'm like, go to God, Doug. Mind your business. You don't know nothing. And someone didn't mind their business. they went to the bathroom with the door unlocked and he stole her purse. He just got a brain, stole a person left.

That's the office where we had Stephen Bauer with the dog and his girlfriend knocked on the door, right? No, I thought Stephen Bauer came to the last one because he lived close to him. No, no, no, no. The first time Stephen Bauer came on. Oh, he knocked on the door that time. You're right, okay. And then that's where we had the Pimp the first time. Both times. He's dead as discop. Oh, yeah.

That poor kiss of death. You know, it's really fucking hysterical about the office situations we had. Now you know I got a little cubicle in my fucking back room here. I got to wear a sweatshirt because it's freezing. But I love it. Oh, my God.

Do you just spend all day in there? Huh? I said, do you just spend all day in there now? I wake up in the morning. I get a cup of coffee. I go outside. I do a little gratitude. I relax.

If it's real cold, I stay outside. I take some fucking air. And then I come down here with my coffee's finished. I go on the internet. I read whatever this pertains to me. And I either put something up or, you know, it's not like the old days where I used to have to think of stuff five days a week. That ship's sale.

You know what I'm saying? Two days to get from me. you know, and I answer some emails and, you know, I got to follow up with people, you know, constantly, so that's part of it. Friday, we find out whether we're nominated for a Grammy or not. Fuck yeah. Oh, you know, you call people and they're like,

how are you doing? What do you mean, how are we doing? Have you checked? Have you called the fucking grandma? No, I've been busy fucking playing the bongos. Okay. What do you want for me? Huh?

Yeah. No, no. No, no. That's a little bit. It's a different world out there, Tarzan. But you know what, man? My weekend was easy. Nice.

I had a button dog. This is how different my life is. I thought the UFC in New York City was last Saturday. So I had a... There was a UFC. That's why when John Jones canceled, I kept hearing about Derek Lewis fighting some guy. And I'm like, ah, maybe they replaced him.

You know, I don't fucking... follow up on this shit no more. I don't know nothing. I knew John Jones is going to be. That's it. I was all excited for John Jones. I was playing soul music. I would watch Superfly, the whole fucking thing. I was expecting John Jones, the return,

you know? And I don't know. I was excited to see Stepe, too. It's been a while to say that savage. Whatever the outcome, I was just excited to maybe go over there. It would have been a long night for Uncle Joy. I would have had to get a room in the city. Oh, yeah.

fucking had like somebody picked me the fuck up right as I would have to run up to the top of the garden, watch the screen and get out of there. So, all week long, I'm like, you know what? I got this. I got a party to go to early,

a 50th party to go to early on Saturday. And I'll hang at the party. At one point, you know us, we abandoned ship, how you doing, vote for me. You give a couple people a joint. You give somebody a hug. Peele! Where are you going? I got to go to the bathroom.

Peele! Boom. I'm on my way to the city. I get up to the ferry, maybe. Take an Uber over. Take another Uber to fuck. Not an Uber over into the city. Take the ferry and take an Uber to the guard. That's a plan. That was the plan. Get there by 9.30. You know, the place will be packed. I was going to... Joe was going to hook me up somewhere. So I was all excited. I hadn't seen Joe since Austin. So that was the fucking plan Until Friday

Friday The party I was going to One of my friends called And I go I'll see you at the party tomorrow night He's like, what are you talking about? I go, that party's tomorrow night And he goes, what are you talking about?

I go, yeah, 7.30 I just spoke to them Because no, it's next fucking Saturday. I go, what are you talking about? So I go, I had to call somebody and double check but then fry that I didn't hear from Joe so it made sense. So it's in a week?

What happened? It's in a week? Yeah, it's this weekend. Got it, okay. The fact the fucking countdown was last night and again, I got caught watching some fucking show from the creator of Yellowstone

about a black slave that breaks away and shoots a bunch of white people. I love it. You know, tremendous. Black power. In 86. Is that the name of the show? No, I don't know what the name of the show is, but it doesn't really matter.

It's a good show. That's fun. I had a good week. I saw Bill Burr last night or Sunday night. What you said to me today. You don't want to repeat it on the podcast. I'll repeat anything. You don't have to, but it's very interesting

when you said that to me. And tell the people what you told me. About the lighting? Your opinion here. Oh, in my opinion. So I got really lucky. In the past month, I saw Jerry Seinfeld, Dave Schapeld twice, and Bill Burr. And they were all great in different ways, but the best one, like by far the most fun we had was at Bilber, which was, I was not surprising. Seinfeld is very polite on stage. He wears the suit. He gives you a different vibe, but it ain't fucking fun. He makes you. laugh. You know what I'm saying? Like I get it. I get it. Dave Chappelle, on the other hand,

he's exciting. You know, I always thought that. But I got to be honest to you, I've been a big a Bill Burr fan. Like I told you, I had a conversation with him. He disappeared. Then I saw him on the Chappelle show. And I was cheering for him. I didn't know. And then all of a sudden, you know, he's getting booed in Philadelphia and you know now and he's solid I love everything about him I watched that movie

the first afternoon it came out then I watched it again the next day and I enjoyed it and I respected the fucking the critics went against it and he got 29 million fucking views so everybody had to shut that mouth

at the end of the week you know what I'm saying it was entertainment nobody had to take it personal here and you know everybody takes everything so fucking personal for that I've heard that's good I haven't got to see the movie

but he all I could think of when I was thinking about what I got from his set like other than it was like funny was like he I think he pretty much better than anyone

like actually like seems like himself during us like there's no real difference and I've never met him personally so I don't know but between his podcast as stand up who he's seen like you never wore up there when I was with him no

I don't think so. I've seen him on stage, but I don't think I ever personally met him. You can be an ACBC thing, the tribute? I don't think so. Never at the store. Did you watch him live at the store? Maybe once. No, I saw him in downtown L.A., I think. It was either downtown L.A. or Hollywood for New Year's Eve one year. I saw him. It was, it's been, he's always been great. But that's what I could, I don't know if authentic is the right word. That's kind of a weird word. But it just seems like, and that's

you hear it a lot from like, or I hear a lot from experience comics is you have to like be yourself and even I sometimes feel like, I don't know, like I'm playing it up a little bit, but it doesn't feel like always like something I'd say. And what it seems like. That's stage time. Right. You don't know it. There's no

fucking, uh, there's no time limit. Everybody's different. Now I think that you're an intelligent guy. So, I'm a fucking, you know, Momolaroo. I started at 91. And what I call, I really call it this, the gift.

I saw it one night in 99. In the belly room telling stories. You saw it in yourself? For the first time ever. I went up there and tell something and it changed it up and it came out beautifully. And it was deep inside me. was coming out. And I remember going home that night going, I like that. Whatever happened tonight, I like that. I got to tap into a lot more. And then it took a while. It took like another

30 days to tap into it. But I noticed I would tap into it in front of smaller crowds. Okay. You know, at the store, it was anywhere when I moved to L.A. Like, I was doing a bookstore on on Burham Boulevard. I've always pointed it out there. It was a brilliant idea, and I would go up there and do like three sets, like, but you did it in L.A., whatever. You just keep doing sets, keep doing sets,

and somewhere, it would just come out of you because everybody wants to do an audience. You know, everybody can't wait to do 25,000 seats. Well, you've got to learn how to do 100 and a 300, 100-seater. And they're sitting apart. My biggest lesson ever was going up in a 170-seat

room and there being 40 people. Listen, that brilliant material you wrote last night with your buddies at 1115 at night when there's 28 motherfuckers, it might not go over like you plan, G, money. So what are you going to do? So now you just go, wow, I'm eating a bag of dicks up here. And it's the six minute mark.

I still got 11 to go and I already hit them with my closer. I'm swimming up with nothing. I don't even have a hand. I'm missing a fucking hand now. So now you just got to chill, breathe, and just start talking to them about your real fucking day. And that's how it starts. where you go, I'm already going down in flames.

I already might tell them about my day. And I mean, hit them with everything. You got up, you took a shit, you ate Cheerios, you don't know why, you really like the honey nut, but Athena bought the regular, you know. And in that, God forbid you leave your tape recorder on. Right. Then you go home, you look at that, and you go, wow, what happened tonight?

Now it takes you another 30 days to get back there. And that's the level. and that's what you chase. You chase different levels of your career. And on top of what he was saying, he said some stuff that, like, I would be afraid, I guess the word is afraid to say on stage. Like, he made fun of the venue.

And it was all funny, but he made front of the venue who talked about everybody and, like, every, like, taboo topic. And it made me, because it's very funny that those words coming out of another comic's mouth people would be booing it

but he had 4,000 people like dying laughing and it's very interesting like the people trust him now I think I don't know what it is because it was all very funny it's not what you say it's how you say it

right study how he delivers those jokes he turns around he does the fucking Karen voice he does this voice, you know, he tries his hardest and listen,

what you've seen up there is confidence. What you're seeing up there is 30 years. What you're seeing up there is pure brilliance. And he figured out how to put it on the screen. When I watched that movie, that's why I like Bill even more. So,

if you're a young comic right now, I'd be doing what Leeges did. He just dropped a nickel. to go and that nickel was a fucking investment because first off let's get this correct you enjoyed all three of them

because I spoke to you oh yeah except last night I didn't talk to you I went to bed fucking nappy noonoo early I was tired I had a long fucking weekend

oh I can imagine I was fucking tired it's weird I love all of them yeah I work all fucking week you know I do my thing I'm a dad I got a driver

of the kickboxing, you know, I enjoy it. I'm really at a level now where, ah, I don't even give a fuck anymore. I'm an Uber driver. I'm a fucking, I got to drive it to the thing this week. You know, it's tremendous. Basketball start this week. And is your wife coaching again? Fuck yeah.

That's awesome. I'm not going to the practices. I'm only going to go to the games. Has your band been lifted? I only had a one-game ban That's it I'm going to bring up the ban And throw a fucking salt

That's what you were saying I thought that's what you're saying You're not going to the practices No I'm not going to practices Because you know what I don't want to put pressure on her I can't help I shouldn't even be there

I'm a convicted felony You know what I'm saying It's not that I don't even have anything like that But you know I was talking to a cop A jiu-jitsu Okay. I told my situation. I go, you know, it's so funny how I got in trouble.

Fuck, 27 years ago. I got to do this. I got to do that. I got to talk to this guy now. They won't get rid of this warrant. But if you got arrested in California, and I let you go home in 10 minutes. If you go home in 10 minutes.

So they're holding me accountable for something that happened, 27 years ago when I was a complete different person in a complete different world and a complete different situation and state of mind you know so I even offered to pay the fine I don't know I think this is going to end up

fucking going right back to square one Tom to come up to be and he'll never be going to Seattle again I'll never be a nice fucking piece of salmon again you know what I'm saying but who gives a fuck I get bigger fish to front That's fucking crazy What kind of show this week

Tarzan, talk to me This week, last week I did a show At a brewery And this week I have a show I have two shows on Saturday night At the Silver Tone in Boston There's a cool little group Out here that has shows

All over every weekend And they were nice And I had that last weekend And now I have this weekend too I'm hosting But now you're going into the season Of death For Young Comics

Why is that? ...mic business, because the Boston Celtics. So now you show up for your little open micy at 815, but they're like, hey, Lee, we can't turn off the TV until the game is over. That's happened before. Now you've got to sit there and drink coffee,

but they always hit you with this, by the way. When you cut off 10 people, you killed the bus driver, you ran over a bicyclist. Then you get there, they're like, oh, we forgot to tell you. that we can't turn the TV off until the fucking football game. And then the football game is off

and there's 200 people shooting pool now. You're like, what the fuck? It's 10.15. When these people are homeless? And now you've got to shoot pool. You got to do jokes. Right. People shooting fucking pool.

So it never, that's the skill that you want that when you go out. Talk, I remember doing the longest yard and one of the gigs they got me was a club in Chicago, like a sea room. Okay. They told me to fly in early. I had a show.

They paid me good money. I'm not complaining. But it was a bowling alley, dog. I've done bowling alleys. No, no, no. That's crazy. For an open mic or a small 50 or a small 20. Right.

It was like, if I would have known, I wouldn't have done it. Why? Was it out where the bowling was? Yeah, I don't belong in a bowling alley. in fucking Iowa. I kept thinking somebody was going to hit me one of those balls

and shit. They had like Farmer Gear on and stuff. I've been there on a Thursday night fighting for my life. Is that one

of the ones we talked about last week where you just left? I don't know. No, no. I couldn't leave

because I didn't have a car. I wasn't going to get home. I'm in fucking Petty Co. Junction. You know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ. Yeah, I couldn't go home.

So I had to eat the bullet in a bowling alley. And guess what? they're shooting fucking bowling balls. No. Oh, yeah. I think you were at least above it or something. Oh, my God.

And it was in a little room that, you know, it was in a little room, not really. It was in a boundary. It was in a boundary. Let's call it a boundary with like a four-foot thing, like a diner. You know a diner in a fucking bone alley? Right.

They came out the tables and they put like chairs with a make-believe stage. and you know, it was a fucking Hollywood show. Jesus Christ. It prepared me for what I was doing in 2016. Remember, I used to tell you that I used to go on stage at the store

and I would have great sets and when I was up there at like the nine minute mark, I'd do something and I go, oh, this is from something I learned one night at the eight ball in in Montana, you know, or this is what I did one night in Seattle. Look at that. It came back. Well, this is what I did one night. It really is

you start to see your path. That's a complete different thing. You guys don't need to worry about your path right now. Just need to get on stage, eat your fucking Cheerios, and do your jumping jacks, that's it. And get on stage. That's it. And listen, along the way when you do comedy, you're going to get beat up. Listen, life right now is fucked up. I get it.

understand me. You know, things are getting tight. Fucking, uh, I just saw something that somebody complained. They went to, uh, got, got something at Big Mac, it was 16 bucks for a C. C.C.O., whatever the fuck it is, you know, McDonald's is the last ray of hope. I put out your reading on a shelter. You know, no, no, no, no. What are we joking here? Look what's going on. I thought so. You know, you know, cease fire, but boom. They're not stopping.

They're not saying, you know. And the United said, He told Biden to call him. Listen, the same Biden. This is Israel. They got into the tunnels now. They're creeping while you're sleeping. They did. That's what they're reporting. Again, this is just, this is an opinion. There's something that's going on right now. So work with me.

My point is that it's a little stressful for you people. So do me your favor. Listen to this ad. Come in action. Better help. Hey, this episode is brought to you by Better Help. Listen, there's your Uncle Joey here. The holidays are coming up, which means your mental health might take a little nose dive. No matter what's going on, talking through your little proms and therapy can help you now.

Better Helps online therapy gives you access to a licensed therapist that you can meet with over video call, phone, or even message. It's designed to be super convenient and work with your own busy schedule. Like I've always told you guys When I first moved I didn't know who to turn to it It was COVID nobody wanted to see people in person I was going through anxiety I didn't know what was the things were backfiring And somebody referred

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Better help. H-E-L-P. dot com slash Diaz. Enjoy the show. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? We're back. Anyway, what else?

What kind of plans you got this week? What are you dropping on? well I wanted to there was a fight in in the line at the show last night I forgot to talk about how like it it was crazy like because it made me think

of like it was an 8 o'clock show at a casino on a Sunday like surprisingly there weren't that many hecklers but it was like two older guys like 45 plus year old guys just started yelling it and like going at it in the line

it was pretty fucking crazy have you ever had I didn't even have that guy in Gotham but like and I saw I saw a fight at the at the Chappelle show too that's crazy

you see if you're the place where you're supposed to go to laugh you're predetermined to go let a laugh and now there's a fight I can see if you're predetermined to go to a UFC

right yeah you know but it's a different fucking world now you know so I get all that shit So I had, let's be honest, I started in the 90s, right?

I did all that road work, and I never really saw anything bad. I could lie the entire, you know, there were maybe such a, I don't know, because I would have remembered them. I didn't say anything bad. One time in L.A., I saw something hilarious. I saw one of the funniest fucking things at a show on West Covina. A club we used to do called the Brave Bull. The guy who ran it, God bless him. I love him with all my heart, Rudy.

And this had to be 98, 99. We're at the store banging it out, me in Maryland. And, you know, when you work there, before you went up on stage on Friday or Saturday, Rudy would come over to you and go, Joey, remember, it's a family room. I would go up there and just come out the gate, throwing heat. And I would fucking hit him out of the park. And then I would get off and he'd go, fucking Joey. You know, but then he knew I was going to be dirty the next night.

He'd come up to me and tell me the mayor is here. I don't give a fuck, okay? I'm going off. So now there was a little pause in my career with Rudy. Whenever he'd get mad at you, he gave you like a six-week band. But listen, you went down on a Friday. You could bang out $65. bucks. You went down. Listen, this is 1998 prices. They're probably even worse now. So just to let you give

you a gauge, you did a comedy show in a room that sat like 80. And if you were lucky, you did a room that was 25 people, like the belly room. And in that room, they had tacos. She could get up and go up a taco and they would eat it during your show. And you're up there thinking about your material. You're looking at that clock and that light because you couldn't wait for. that light to turn fucking reds. He'd get the fuck out of there and run to that taco table. And all of a sudden there'd be carnitas or rice and beans and like some other type of tacos. This place was, you have no idea.

You have no idea. You showed up 10 years too late. Well, one night we show up there, Maryland's headlining. I'm in the little room and Rudy's not around. Rudy had a gig with Paul Rodriguez somewhere. So somebody else is running the room. I get there to DuPays me. I do the little room that night.

Okay? Right. If I got off stage in time, I was going to do eight minutes before Maryland, Martinez. God rest his soul. It was her anniversary of a 16th year of being dead last week,

the 3rd of November, and Rick Ramo's birthday. So I got to give him a shout out and give him a call. So I go in there and Maryland's on stage already. I lost my guest set, but I started at the comedy store. I didn't give a fuck. And next thing you know, something happens with Marilyn on stage, talking to some guy about a little dick, and his wife was there,

and she got pissed at Maryland. So she got up and started yelling at Maryland. Some other Mexican tackled her. It was like a heavyweight bra, and the husbands got involved. Tables were flying and shit. You know, it was a fist of coast. You know, I was pissed because I was on this. pick up like the small 15, whatever the fuck I was going to pick up. So, I went out of there.

The cops came? Huh? The cops came? Oh, yeah, the cops came. The whole thing. They have like a fucking, you've been going to somebody's backyard and they have like the wood on top of wood. It's like a little, yeah, you know, that fucking, I don't know what you call.

Not shingles, but whatever the fuck they are, right? They had like little, they had them like make-believe stands with flowers going to them. And they had them all over the back room, like, left over from weddings and part-time wakes. Like, my scary shit. They have, like, a combo taco night. Grandpa's dead. But he ain't coming back.

You know what I'm saying? Cha-cha-cha-j-j-j-j-j-cha. Anyway, a part-time wake got me. I don't know what a part-time wake is. Anyway. Anyway, when I saw them pull those things down with the flower and people hitting each other, Now, at that time, it was 99.

I was starting to do not well, but I was doing a lot better than what I was doing in my whole part of my life. Right. So I just waited for the cops to come. I pulled Maryland and her husband out of that. I think somebody else was there, what we knew. And the cops were just swarming.

We were pulling the way, and I never really thought about it. Right. I went to the comedy store, did my spot. I probably snorted a fly. fucking G-bow and Coke, so I must have blacked out. The next morning, I got a call from Maryland. She's howling. What's up, Doug? That was crazy last night.

And she goes, Joey, Joey, Joey. She goes, my first call this morning was Rudy. And I go, what are you saying? He goes, Marilyn, what happened? He goes, what happened? Chairs were flying. Like, that was too much. That was too fucking much. that was just hilarious God rest of soul that was I'm happy you brought that up

because I got to tell a story on her anniversary I feel good now yeah that's awesome that's so she was she was going at and the wife of the guy

got up that upset that they threw an entire brawl yeah he had a little dick and she said how do you know I really got fucking like a jealous thing that's funny she knows I probably

the only beef I ever had was the microphone to the head, which I'm not telling again. Basically, that was really it. It was just drunk people, man. They go to shows. You know, that's, I saw something else. The thing that always stuck out with me was, I spoke about this last week,

how in your career, whatever the fuck you do, you can't wait to get to a certain level. As a musician, you can't. wait to get to the garden and then Wembley everybody has a goal. You know what I'm saying? As comics, you've got to be realistic. You're not going to be doing comedy going, you know what?

I'm going to be opening for Matt Rife on the world tour next year. You got to be realistic to yourself. So, right. I still remember getting like, I forget what I was going to tell you, that motherfucker, the other one that was kicking in, Jack. I remember getting like a week

somewhere and getting there. Oh, shit. when I did the when I did the hosting it was part of a week in Colorado right it was Tuesday you had Wednesday off

you had Friday, Saturday and then Sunday and Alamosa. So Tuesday was colder, Wednesday you got off, Thursday was Craig, Friday was Pueblo, Saturday

something else, and Sunday was Alamosa. What the fuck are you laughing about, though? I'm trying to talk to you about a schedule here. Fucking, bah, what are you going to do? Why? That just got me.

See, you had that schedule? What schedule? Yeah, so we had the schedule. So that was what my, at the time of being a host, that was my dream. Right. To do that triple run. And that motherfucker made me do 18 weeks of hell

and I would keep saying to him Dave what's going on with that bull the week Dave I'm going to do a little homecoming snort some coke at the broker get a hotel room what's the deal he would not give it to me and then one day out of the blue he called and he goes hey

go down this is after I hadn't worked there anymore somebody else was hosting he goes go down there do a set tonight and if the heat likes you, I'll put you on the run. And he just called me and then the following week. He didn't put me in Boulder, but he put me in Craig. And I remember I was traveling with somebody and you had

stop and get a fax machine, right? Like a fax. This is how far old I am. And then you read the fax and you gave the feature act, this facts. And I was the feature act. What am I saying here? So I'm looking at this and it says Wednesday, where you're going? Thursday, Friday, Saturday. and Sunday. This is why you did that week. Because it was a long week and you worked out material. Fucking,

what the fuck was I talking about here? Oh, Colorado. So here's my first night. It's a six-hour fucking drive. I pull over at a whatever the fuck, Quiznos, whatever, Kinkos. Kinkos, not Quiznos, Kinkos. I pick up the fact.

And as I read in the bottom, it says this place is known to get whatever, active. If that happens, exit the stage and go to your room and call 911. Well, that does me no fucking good. You know, that does me no fucking good. And I remember getting there, and it was like the thing from the Blues Brothers. They had like a 50 feet stage before you were the thing, and they had like a little bit of a net, like just. I remember doing my 30 minutes. I gave him like the light 25

sets of stupid shit and I went to my room and just chilled and I never went out in Colorado they threw a couple things They really had a fence in front of you They had like shades to deflect stuff I don't know what they're really called It wasn't like the creepy chandeliers

In the 70 or hippies walked in Hey man cool No no no no This is something different So if not like I don't know. Who gives a fuck? Kesar Rasa. I just want you to know

you're picking a fucking career of life in danger now. You get a motel 6 and the lock don't work in your room. Who are you going to call? Ghost buster. You call the room. It's an Indian guy. He comes upstairs. You don't know nothing about a lock.

He tells you to put the bookcase behind the door. You put the bookcase behind the door, a chair, your sneakers, your little Jewish pants and next thing you know fucking uh you know what do my pants do

do why are my pants Jewish I don't know I'm just saying I'm Jewish listen you gotta add some humor to the conversation he's so fucking uptight you know what I love it

I love doing this shit with you oh it's great buddy I love it too it's great my girls are gone they come home I watch a little Monday night football already had dinner. I'm tip-top Magoo. I got a light day tomorrow, but she's not on a school this week.

This is a motherfucker. A hustle like Uncle Joey. No. This is the teachers' conference and election day. This has been going on since I came to school here. So you're a whole week right before Thanksgiving off? That's crazy. You have, it's two or three weeks before Thanksgiving right now.

Is it really? I don't fucking know. What am I? I'm 60 years old. I'm just worried about today, Lisa. Yeah. Next week, I don't know. I don't know.

I might bend over for a nickel and fucking, you know, next thing, you know, I'm walking around with a veraqa. So, since I'm a kid, Tuesday's election day, tomorrow's election day in New Jersey. And then Wednesday, they go back to fucking school for a whole day. and then you got Thursday and Friday off. Believe it or not, we thought about going away.

We're still thinking about taking her out of here. I got to stick around until Thursday. So it wouldn't be until Thursday night because nothing happens here this week. People take off. The airport, they say, is mobbed. All the plane tickets out of Jersey and New York go up this week because everybody goes on vacation.

So why would you go back for one day? Yeah, so I don't know what. what we're going to do. I got to do something Wednesday. I got to do something Thursday for sure. I had to see your beautiful face. You know what I'm saying? That's crazy.

That's, is it, like, what, like, it's amazing to me she's going to be 11 soon. Like, it's just crazy how big she's getting. Yes. It's, uh, I don't know. It's making me stronger watching her grow, man. It's good. I picked the right fucking choice.

And I'll tell you some other. time. I picked the right choice. I picked the right path for right now. I'm feeling better. You know, what can I tell you? Sticking to a fucking schedule for the first time. I've stuck through for seven fucking weeks. Knock on wood, so I'm very happy about that. And, you know, I'm still smoking my dope. I ain't fucking perfect. Even Jesus drank wine from time to time. You know, I eat my little mushrooms on the weekend. I don't feel, I don't want to count. I don't bother nobody. Nobody knows nothing. I go football games.

I eat two pieces of mushrooms and I just stare at the fucking girls playing softball. I talk to my wife. I talk to the other fucking dads. I just watch the girls throw the fucking, you know, curveballs and shit how they're learning. And it's really nice. I've been watching these girls since they were fucking seven play together. And now they're knocking on the door of, you know, pre-teenages. So I'm learning something every fucking day.

daily. As dumb as it sounds, you know, as faggy as it sounds, that's what we're doing today. Who knows what we're going to do tomorrow? I might wake up tomorrow, pick you up and rob a bank in the town there. Over there, what's that dude's name? Ben Affleck?

Ben Affleck, yeah. We'll go over there and fucking rob a bank. We'll get caught with charity federal. They'll put us in a fucking, you know, federal resort. And guess what? We'll be the first podcast via Sing Sing. Did you see that, by the way?

What? Do you see who has a new podcast? Who? Shug Knight. Is it from jail? Yeah. Let me double check here. Hold on, Joe.

Take the time of that because, yeah, it's out. It's called collect. Collect call with Shug Knight, and they're doing it from prison. How crazy is that? That's pretty intense. That's tremendous. That's a conversation from inside the fucking jail on a collect. call. I hope that's, you know,

it's like a phone call. It's like this. Only without the fucking boogie winoggy. No screen. Just the blink, the phone rings. Do you accept the collect call from Jose Diaz at Hudson County jail? Yes, I do.

And then you get that bill. It's $2,000 every time I fucking call. Are they expensive? Fuck, yeah, because they bang you out and the phone company bangs out. and they hit you with a surcharge. So it's no party in there. Everybody gets yumb yums.

Every time you call him your girlfriend and you're like, yeah, I'm in here. I'm thinking about you. Bam, that's an $80 bill right there. You better get a sock and stop thinking and get the step in cock, cock'suckers. Jesus Christ. The good thing about hours, they had pay phones.

Why is that good? Like I said to you, if you go, listen, what were they doing? Do you have quarters? You can't have quarters in prison? I don't think they put a phone in prison in prisons until 1973 or something. They passed something. You have to don't quote me on that. Somebody had just mentioned that story to me.

So let's say I would have gone to a higher level facility, correct? Mm-hmm. I would have had to make collect calls. because the first four weeks I was in there, all those calls were collect. Damn. And then you went to a place with my ex- My ex-wife, my ex-girlfriend at the time,

and she paid my collect calls. And then once I got to Camp George West, it was pay phones. Four fucking pay phones. And how are you paid for it? Quarters. Remember, I could tell you, you could have 40 bucks on you at that place. And then they gave you money.

You had money because you went to the Chinese restaurant. Remember I told you? You go to the bodega 20 minutes? Yeah, so they fucking... I just didn't imagine, like, giving prisoners access to a bunch of change. Was it like, I didn't think you'd have money. I didn't never thought about it like that. Well, you know what?

There was a bunch of people in there, bikers. There was Mexicans. there was two or three Italians there was, you know, but there wasn't no fucking Asian gang so nobody's going to take fucking quarters, put them into fucking stars and

chase you down at the fucking imperman. The scariest thing where I was was was the barber cut your hair with a straight razor. And when you were getting a haircut, there was a gardener who went in there, opened the box, gave him the razor. He cut like three haircuts

then he gave him back the razor, the guy put it in a box and walked away. He would sit there like at all. Like, this guy could have just slit my fucking neck. Yeah, that's terrible. Straight razor? It was a straight razor, and then in between haircuts,

while he was washing you, hey, he put conditioner on there, and they gave him some sort of, like, Mexican tool, like one of those things from a La Bamba movie. I don't know. I don't know. Fucking instruments and shit. They let him, because he was like in there,

and then he worked up the level. for you to be allowed to cut air with a razor, you have been a good fucking dude. You know, you really turn your life around probably. You didn't get in trouble. You didn't get involved. They're giving you fucking access to a razor in prison. Or even the shit.

That razor would scare me with people outside of prison. I wouldn't trust a guy. I wouldn't trust. Would you go to your barber and let them use a straight razor? Fuck yeah. That's the best. haircut in the world. Okay. I obviously don't go to the barber anymore, so I don't

know. I just... No, you're looking like after. You don't even have a right off for haircuts no more. You don't what I'm saying? That just kill me as a Jew. You can't even, unless you take a picture with a wig on and send that to the IRS. You know, I got this little hairdo. It cost me $82. And then 50 cents a month to keep it up.

Between the head die, the Mama Luke juice, you got to straighten it out in jail. Why am I dying? a toupee, wouldn't it already be the color I wanted it to be? What's that? Why am I, why is it going to, why don't have to die my jupé? Listen, why are you asking me questions, doesn't it? I have nothing, you know, all I know, right now I'm focusing is who's going to fuck?

I'm thinking about the Jets tonight. They're playing here in Newark, whatever the fuck. Are they playing the Chargers? They're playing the charges. It's a three-point fucking game. So I'm just thinking about it. You know, just for entertainment to watch the game. Girls will be here by the time the game starts.

I can go around the corner of my buddy's house. He's got season tickets, but he can't go because he's working today. So I'll go over there and sit with him with a bag of chips, talk to the kid. You know me, though. I love all that stuff. So I'll even take Mercy over there with me because his daughter's there. She's Mercy's aide. That's her best friend.

Right, absolutely. It's a little while. I watched the game of my man. And boom. Speaking about the game right now, let's take a minute here to talk about one of my best fucking sponsors, a company I love,

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brought up Shig Knight. I am no authority on this. Right. I have to ask you if you read into it or have a summary by next Tuesday for the people, because I just, I don't know what's going on. I'm scared to look into it. Like, I don't have time to read one of these fucking articles. Because if it's bullshit, I'm going to get pissed. I'm down to minutes right now. I'm not even looking at days. Once you hit 60, you got to start thinking about your minutes. All right. So what do you want, what do you want

a recap of? Yeah, I want to recap of what's going on? They caught somebody who they said shot Tupac and somebody rat it. It was it was Pete Ditty

who put the contract out of them. You know, I don't know the full story, but you know what's crazy? I'm almost positive. Rachel Wolfson's dad was like the DA who got him or like

it was it was a rapper apparently he had taught I think it was a rapper I'll look into it for next week but it was the guy who had talked about it in like a documentary or like a TV show

he had talked about like knowing something and I don't know if they got the shooter but they got like I think this guy was involved if I'm that's like I'd pay almost no attention to it but I'm almost positive I was just moving to LA

when that was going down. I had a move. I still lived in Seattle when Tupac got shot. That's when I was making the move. And I lived in L.A. when the other guy got shot, Biggie Smalls, both of them, rest in peace. And I don't know.

You know, I've heard stories about Las Vegas for years. Cameras from buildings, satellites, you know, cameras at the airport, you know, fucking... I don't know. I've never bought into it. I don't know. But don't ask...

Don't ask me who did it. I don't know who fucking did it. I have no idea. I tried watching one of those documentaries, and I don't know. I don't believe a fucking thing, so... Shug Night's in jail. I always think that Shug Night had a story to tell.

but obviously a lot that's what I thought I thought by now he was gonna cop to whatever the fuck time he's doing right now I always in the back of my mind thought at one point

he would tell a story I wonder why I it's crazy I just don't know much about that world but it just seemed didn't he like run someone over wasn't the last thing that he did

on like a film set or something yeah that's the last thing he fucking did it's just crazy what people do No, no, no. It's a different fucking world out there. So it's funny that now is when they caught this dude. Listen, guys, there's people at the end, 20 years later. Everybody killed Jimmy Hoffer.

Everybody shot this guy. Everybody shot that guy at the end. You know, I remember one night turning on HBO. I don't know how old I was. I was probably up all night. And it was a documentary about the Iceman, okay? and I remember I was fucking baffled. I was baffled.

It came on again, what? Why were you baffled? Because this guy was a murderer and he lived in an area that I knew like the back of my hand. And at that time, I didn't have access to the computer or nothing. All I knew there was him and Dr. Boughton. And Dr. Boughton investigated crimes. Dr. Bowden, I don't know what his fucking name is.

I know when Epstein got strangled, that's what they go to do the autopsy. So 20 years ago, this guy had his own show on fucking HBO. Interesting as fuck. Saturday night, late night. You went home, smoked a number, you made a cheeseburger, whatever bug you liked, and you watched this show about him figuring out crimes. This isn't like secondhand shit.

This is the guy telling you how it went down. And one of those things, I put it on, one night, there was the Iceman. And the Ice Man told a few stories. I was like, oh, shit. And then I got lost for a few years, and I saw the second one. The second documentary. Yes. He probably has two or three of them, maybe.

And the second one, it was kosher. And by that time, I was traveling a lot. I was a feature act, but I traveled a lot. And, you know, as true as it may. be, I fucking would buy books at all these bookstores that you see. Barnes & Noble, there was another place, borders. Yeah. Books.

I used to always go to borders. They had to buy three books, get 15% off, whatever the fuck that meant. And that's what I would do. And one of those places I found the Iceman book, the first, first one, or a book where he was mentioned. And then, again, I went on a fucking hiatus. And he came back again in 2000-something. And by this time, he was arrested.

He was doing time. It was over. And he just started talking about now he was responsible for everybody with Jesus Christ. He was there when this guy got shot. He was there when this guy got shot. But in that last interview, he made a detail. And they made them bring back Sammy the bull from his slip. and two weeks later he dies in his cell.

But it doesn't matter. It's crazy that at the end, he was responsible for John F. Kennedy. He was responsible for the guy in the Bronx. Because somewhere along the line, he was already doing time. Why not fucking throw the cops off and all this shit? He knew fucking where they put whatever his name is.

It's fucking amazing. You start hyping yourself up, you know. maybe sell a bestseller, whatever the fuck. Who knows? That's crazy that someone would just be like, I'm in jail, I'm just going to come. I'm just going to say murder to everybody. No, I knew this was coming,

like somebody was going to do a podcast live from prison. That, if it costs 99 cents to download, he's going to make a fucking shitload of money. Because that's where the podcast world is going next. You got to go into a den where they sell crack and move every two weeks from den to den. Oh, yeah. People getting shot.

People doing oxygen hits. You know, I don't know. I don't even know there's crack dens anymore. I'm an old man. What do I know? I think there must be. You got to do your crack somewhere. You know, I have not seen it around here.

Three years. Nothing. I go to a nice place. Yeah, but even when I go to the city, but I haven't been to the city. but I haven't been to the city of maybe two months and I always go in the daytime. I don't know what happens at night.

I'm scared to go to the city at night. That's crazy. You grew up there. Yeah, I got no reason to go over there at night. I really don't. I don't blame you. So what kind of comedy you got coming up? This weekend, I'm at the Silverstone.

At the end of the month, I'm at the Kansas City Improv opening for Josh and Jake. Wolf. Look at you and shit. That'll be fun. Last week of the month. City and shit. Oh, yeah. Barbecue. Yeah, I'm really excited. I've never been to Kansas City. You know what, man, they're nice people.

Listen, put it in the back of your head that. They're all great people. Oh, yeah. They work hard for every fucking dollar. Fridays and Saturdays, this is one of their options for entertainment. They want to go to some crazy. bar what you ride horses and do dirty things to it. I don't know. I don't know.

You know what I'm saying? I like, I'm always liked, I'm sorry. It's really weird when you think about those places. When we stop this podcast this evening, this week's assignment, is for you to look up a Midwest Booker. A Midwest comedy booker, check them out, do some research. They got them. They have to be.

Right. But people are just lazy. Everybody wants to do this. There's got to be people going, you know what? I do a booker in the Midwest. He books, Ohio. You know, and now at a young comic, a three

to five year comic, you're starting to get to different people. In five years, you'll come to me and two years you'll come to me and go, man, I'm never going to that room again. They didn't like me. I went to this room in Atlanta. Oh, they fucking booed me. and now you build this thing in your mind.

So as you're getting better, you're building up more cities, right? Right. But in the meantime, you ain't going back to those places. For me, it was Santa and Charlotte. I had a bag of dick of the club one night as an open micer. I went to get a showcase for the club,

thinking I was Joey Bananas and dog. I had to do the set and go right to the car and get right to the airport. That's how embarrassed that was. There was no commingling. There was no drink at the bar. Like, I just ate a bag of dick. So I never went back to Charlotte.

And then I went to Atlanta, I think, with Joe. Okay. Died all weekend at the punchline. Died. This had to be 90, maybe 2000. It was rough, Uncle Joey. And you had to work Sunday. Oh, damn.

And you didn't do all any show? What's that? you didn't do well any show I think I had some light one or two nights but we did like six fucking shows you know Jesus

I went back to Atlanta with Charlotte and then there was a night in Nashville I ate a bag of dick so I said you know what I'm not going back to the Bible belt it doesn't make any difference and then when I got to L.A. People started offering me gigs in the

Bible Belt and I was like and then I got cocky I went back there I'm lying to you because I think I went back there in 98 but this is that whole period yes 98 I thought I was king of the swing and my buddy got me in with creative entertainment check them out see if they're still around okay they're up North Carolina and uh he got me into like uh he got me into a weekend and I died a death of many dicks then he got me to do a week of one-nighters. And I'm a whole headline with my brother, Vinny Lightbulbs.

We're still great friends. We go back to 1998 in his truck, driving up a hill to, I think it was called Clark, Tennessee. Then we went to Knoxville. We did like two weeks together in that fucking truck. We did Fort Lauderdale. We did a bunch of one-nighters.

We stopped at places. But that whole week, dog, I struggled. And I had come up with 45 minutes. I had to talk to the audience. Some nights I'd come on too heavy because Vinny was clean. Vinny was very clean. So they enjoyed Vinny.

And then I went up there with a worse accent than Vinny. And they'd fucking hate me. They'd look at me like a Yankee. So mental note, I ain't coming back to the Bible Belt, no matter what. That's why when they asked me to go to Nashville, I was in shock. Because the guy that went to that, the guy that asked me to go to Nashville, was dead and not I had to bag of dicks. He was in the showroom when I got off.

And I remember shaking his hand, and he's like, rough tonight. What are you going to do? And I was opening for Stanhope. Wow. Stanhope, it was 8 o'clock show. The 10 o'clock show was Stephen Seagall on the guitar. You understand me?

Are you serious? You want to come to me with stories? You want to make noise, make noise. You know. How would Steve Seagal sound like on the guitar? I think I cried and I ran out of there back to my hotel. I love this two movies. He had me with like the first two movies.

Like, all right, let it go. After the one when he came back with that, he was paralyzed. Three days later, he's doing fucking shooting people and running up. Come on, you got me here. I don't know much about paralysis. I'm going to fucking three days. He's your fucking life together. And then the Jamaican one was good.

I remember getting stoned. I went to see the Jamaican one. He played a Jamaican guy? Nah, he played a cop in the Jamaican neighborhood. Okay. Put voodoo on him. It took you for a little while, and you're like, Steve, that's it. I can't do this anymore.

And then he went astray. Then he went astray. He's not wearing a wig and shit. And then I bumped into him by the UFC. I didn't say a fucking word until he turned around. And then I talked shit. yelling, where's Bobby Lupo? Me and like 20 people.

Where's Bobby Lupo? And people yell in other movies from other little words from different movies. Class. Oh, my God. I didn't say anything until he turned around. Did he make him leave or did he stay the whole time? Because you probably didn't stop. He wouldn't even turn around.

Because he knew if he turned around, he'd get tortured more. After about seven or eight minutes, security got a call and they escorted him out. Who shot Bobby Lupo? That's so funny. Oh, my God. I love that. Have you tortured anybody else at a UFC?

Have I what? Have you tortured anybody else at a UFC? A couple people, but, you know, I torch everybody everywhere. I try that. You know, I always tell you, we got to do a call when I tell you a story about torturing people. I'm always flipping somebody. You know that. I'm always messing with somebody.

Right. What it is. And like the UFC seems like the perfect place for you because I could just see you looking at people. I've been with you when you see someone. Like if he's wearing like an affliction shirt or like he has sandals on, you're going to say something. You say something like you'll just sit there the entire time and have just comments. Listen, we already dropped the name. You know what I'm saying?

So how was it at the UFC one time? And I made a guy believe that I knew him back in the day. Because I had heard stories about the guy. I never met him. I went to a couple of his, whatever he did concerts, whatever this Mo Mo did. I was a fan in 1990 of this guy, 91. Here, I don't know, 20 years later, he's at a UFC,

and he walks right past me. So, you know, I start talking to this guy And now I heard all the stories Because he came up in Miami So I heard all the stories So I'm like, you don't remember me And he's like, no, I don't. I go, come on, dog I used to play basketball at your house

1999, me and I started dropping names And he kept telling me and he goes, that's right, I know you So now I had him, bam And then he kept telling me, yeah, when was the last time be like, oh, that I'm 98. I played basketball every year for 6 in the morning. The chick showed up. Now I'm just talking gibberish. I'm just

dropping a fucking story on him. He's like, yeah, I remember that night. That's right. You're a comedian. Yeah, oh, shit. And I'm like, I got this mom. Then other people came and they started torts them. And that was the end of that. You just wanted to fuck with him?

There wasn't a point to it. Why did he want him to think you had grown up? I got nothing else going on. It's in between fights. I got to bother somebody, right? Yeah. You got to, you know, I'm an only child.

I love all this type of shit. Do you ever make, like, change your voice for a phone call? Like, pretend you have an accent? What am I, a fucking bin Twiliquist? I only got one voice. You know, I remember when I go to voice

over the voiceovers for a while, you know, come in with an Irish accent, I had to make a call. one thing. I got a Puerto Rican accent. I got a New York City accent. I got a New Jersey accent. Here's the fucking beauty of it. You're listening to all three of them. Tell me what you want me to say, but I'm not going to come here and do fucking chip-chip chally-ho or

fucking one of those Irish things, you know, speaking fucking like a leprechaun. Have they ever asked you to speak with more of a Spanish accent. Oh yeah. And then that don't work either because they want me to be Pancho Villa. I show up with this Puerto Rican, Cuban-ish, you know, fucking bullshit. It's New York City wrapped up in fucking three different nationalities. So I'm not going to change that. I don't know. You know, I look at these movies and you see these actors and then five years later you see an interview and they're like Australia.

or English. And you're like, what the fuck is this? I saw this guy's a scam. You know? Yeah, I saw this guy talking Chinese. And all of a sudden, you go look him up and he's really English or Australian. The black dude from the wire.

Yeah, of course, whatever. Yeah, he was in the office too. I'll be office. Whatever. What office? No, he was in the office. The guy that was up. No, the guy that got shot. The guy that Denzel shot. Yeah, Stringer, right? No, what's his name?

I remember, God damn it. What the hell is? I know who you're talking about. Whatever his fucking name is. He played whatever in the wire. It was great. Did he play Stringer Bell? What the fuck is his name?

What happened? Wasn't his character's name Stringer? Yeah, who played Springer? Hit me. Idris Elba. Jesus Christ. Who do you think you're dealing with? Now, at one time, he did something at Carolines.

He didn't stand up? I don't know. I didn't say that. He did. I think he was a manager there. Okay. Guy from the Sopranos were both managers. That's very interesting. But when he speaks, he's got a fucking great English accent, you know. But then, oh, Tom Hardy, you watch Tom Hardy in the fucking drop.

He talks like I do. And then you see him in a jitututu tournament. And, you know, you know. like, what the fuck is this guy saying? I've always admired that the chicken eyes wide shut that she was a Scientologist for a while with Tom Cruise, but she left him for a guitar play.

That movie is fucking tremendous. It's been on lately. That is one of my favorite movies. And tell you what, for a guy like me, it's a disgusting movie unless if you're doing blow, you're doing kinky stuff. I mean, they go into that movie. You've never seen this?

No. This is a few, fucking masterpiece. Is it a scary movie? No. Tom Cruise, who's worked every fucking dime they give this cock sucker. And he's married to Nicole Kidman.

She's like a school teacher, and he's a doctor. And they go to a party, and she's flirting, and he's flirting, and all of something. They get home, and they have a little fucking conversation. And Nicole Kidman does a 10-minute scene that will make you go,

what the fuck that I just see in like a t-shirt with little boobies that's tight and underwent. And she's painting. Her red hair is up and she's smoking a fucking joint. And while she's telling Tom Cruise

her fucking agonies, she's giggling at him. And she's just fucking brilliant. But in that movie, she has a fucking New York accent. And then you see her again and she's got the fucking, now you go to the AMC and there she is. Hi. Welcome

to this experience. She ain't fucking got no New York accent. That's an Australian chick. So that's my point. I got what I got. That's why I couldn't go audition for fucking Mad TV. I remember going two of those auditions when they tell you, give us a character. They barely

booed in the fucking room. I think I auditioned for man. I auditioned for some troupe in LA, like one of those TV shows, not Frank TV. Frank put me on. This is like something from the WB

and I think I went to producers because I passed the first test that was brutal brutal I knew they wanted to throw air ball at me because what do they do they went from sketches

to give us your best character give us your weakest character come on you can't drop it on me on audition and I think I play like Lenny the Bookie and Martin and I was walked out of there, ripped up the fucking sides and went to my car and cried for like an hour

because I thought I was going to fucking nail this. That's a disappointment, but who gives a fuck? It's a learning experience. They always going to throw a curveball out of it. And look at the show went nowhere. So who gives a Frenchman's fuck? How long did it take you to get better at getting over that stuff? Getting over what?

Like disappointment? Like something didn't go well. You didn't get the audition. You didn't do it in front of the book or? Comedy-wise or television film-wise? Either one, both. I'd be interested in both. As a comic, there's nothing worse than my club owner tells you.

He doesn't want you there or you're not his cup of tea. Meanwhile, you're picking up 20 clubs from the Booker. But the one that bothers you the most is this guy. And he's probably got like two clubs. You really liked him. But now he's telling you had a good weekend, you thought, until he dropped a fucking bomb on you. And you know what's crazy?

You try to keep going back. And one day you give up, and five years from then, you realize that when the night after the second show, the waitress you were talking to, he was banging on the side. He didn't like that you were talking to him. Not even that you were fucking hitting on,

Alie, because you would never hit on it. But that's what you find out. You go, that's why I didn't go back there? Because the waitress came in the green room and talked to me, and we smoked a half a number with the other comic. So you never know. You can't trip on that.

And then guess what? One day, boom, you got a movie. You're on a TV show. Now they put you out. The agency start putting you out. And guess where your first stop is? That club? Yep.

And also he's at the door. How you doing? Great. I always knew you were going to be a star. They just, listen, at that time, they didn't like a lot of Jewish protest in town. whatever the fucking shit he would say to you but now you're selling tickets

right yeah we forgot about that girl she's not there anymore he's on to the next waitress and everything is forgotten just like that and you realize what comedy's all about that if you're selling tickets they don't give a fuck if you let your ass all on fire as long as people in the chairs

and they drink their two minimum and they get an order of wings and they get diarrhea and they get the fuck out of there. That just goes to shoot you. It's like anything else. In that industry, it doesn't fucking matter. You know, you can do whatever you want. The bottom

line is, motherfucking pay-per-views. Right. I went roller skating and got three million pay-per-views. That's great. Look at what McGregor's doing and all these. They just released the numbers. I look at those paper views and I go,

there's a lot of money out there. Yeah. somebody's spending a lot of fucking money out there. And whatever, God bless him. I'm not, you know, I love all that shit. But it's just insane. How many people worldwide get those things.

It's very enlightening. You know, so. And that's it, brother. You've been writing anything or what? Comedy-wise? No, Shakespeare-wise. Yeah, fucking comedy-wise. Yeah, you know what I wanted to ask you a quick question?

Have you ever said a line in conversation that just was like you weren't trying it, like it was just something you said that you turned into a joke? Yes. And does it usually work? Like, it was crazy. Like, it just happened last night, so I wrote it down. I'm excited to try it. It was a Sunday afternoon. Doug Stanhope had taken me into his home.

He had a girlfriend at the time. And I would always leave in the mornings. I would take a walk around town, apply for different stupid jobs, get a hot dog on, there was a little Korean lady down there that made pretty good fried hot dogs. And I don't know what happened. I get back to his house. It's a beautiful day to be alive. You're wide awake.

The girlfriend's there. The neighbors in there. I don't think Ralphie Mae's mom lived next door yet. And I'm in there and I'm a little fired up. You know, it's one in the air. afternoon. I think I got a showcase at the store. I don't know what the situation was. And he's talking about something. And he says something about trannies. You know, Doug Stanhope was raw that because at that time, Doug Stanhope lived two, three blocks away from where there was like

a thing with transgender people, transvestites, whatever. They want to be called transgender and that's fine. So, you know, something happened and off the cuff, I go, Doug, what do you give a fuck about? You punch him in the head? When they call the cops and the cops show up, who are you going to believe?

You or some dude or a wig with a black eye, a guy with a wig and a black eye. Dog, it just came out of me. I remember Dan Hope just stopping and going, you're doing that today in your fucking, act. And I'm like, no. He's like, you've got to do that joke

in your act. If not, I'm taking it. Make sure you do it tonight. He actually went to the store and made sure I did it. It got an okay thing. And then I just started using it on stage. I learned how to use it. It took me maybe a month to figure out how to use it.

And years later, Rogan was doing it, telling people about that joke. Don't do. Same joke, what's you're going to do. What are they going to do in the cops show? What are they going to leave?

You or some dude with a wig and a black guy. Horrible joke. But you know what? I had 10 of those. You know that. You were in the car with me. How many times did we go for a ride? And we died of laughter.

And two days later, we're talking about it on stage. And it's kind of working. And then we try it again. And you would add, you saw the development of, this is what we were talking about in the beginning of the podcast. tapping into that. That's what they want to hear. They don't want to hear the stupidity.

Chrysler went back to work. They don't want to hear that shit. They want to hear that shit. They want to hear that shit. You tell yourself after you smoke a lumber and you're in the shower. And you're in the shower thinking the most craziest stuff about fucking, you know,

And you come out of there and you go like, you know what? This might rub people a wrong way. Let me write this down. My journey is to figure out how to deliver this. And for them fucking to understand what I'm saying, may take two weeks and may take two years. Like I mentioned before, you might say something. You might giggle your ass off.

And one other person might giggle their ass off, but you can't say it. You bring that joke back five, six years later when you have a little bit more confidence. Like Bill Burr, that confidence he brings up there. And the joke works now in front of fucking 18,000 people. I love you, cuck, sucker. I got to take two steps to the ring. Get out of here.

It's Monday night football. I love you, buddy. It was great to see you. I love you guys. And now, for a word for my sponsors. Have a great week. Goodaloo. What's happening?

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