The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Episode #11 - A Recipe for Destruction

Episode Date: November 14, 2023

So here I am in Baltimore, with the small 20 in my pocket, a half-a-joint, and four cigarettes... This week, on The Check In, Joey tells Lee about a recent accident, his thoughts on working from home, and the times he did comedy on a bus to New York City and much more!  Support the show and get 55% off your Babbel subscription at https://www.babbel.com/JOEY Support the show and try Blue Chew for free when you pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and use code JOEY Support the show & get 20% off your order at https://www.liquidiv.com with code JOEY Support the show & download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and press in code JOEY. New customers can bet just 5 bucks on the NFL action and score $150 instantly in bonus bets. The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

Love you. I've had it with all of you. All right. That's good. It's over there. Before you come back down here, drive me crazy, take everything, check everything. You're Worst and George.

Come on, Terry. Come on. Just get the phone in the river today. Do you want me to call you? Don't get her started, please. Let her go upstairs already. I almost got rid of it. Now you want to play phone games.

looking for it. You're another fucking genius. I'm trying to get rid of these people. And you're going to, you know, what doctor did you go to? What? He just had a foot in the fucking car. Why are you bothering these people? Because I don't know. You're trying to be helpful. Listen, you want to be helpful, join a convent. Go to fuck in Saigon and dig trenches or something. That's what you do if you want to be helpful. But some of these people, just mind your business. What do you care? in reality. What you're scratching your nose for you?

I must be. Jesus Christ. What's going on, brother? It's good to see you, buddy. You know, everything else is good except for my ankle. So, do you want to tell the story? No, no, no. I want to get the party started.

Let's flow with the, you know, let's do this shit. Get the fucking music out. Let's get the yelling and the screaming. Let's stab people. It's fucking Tuesday. morning. Let's go. What's happening, you savages? It's Tuesday, the 14th of November.

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If Uncle Joey could do it, I can fucking rule the world. I feel you got to be thinking. Welcome back to show. Illinois, Tuesday morning. Let's do this shit for these people. It's getting to the tough time of the year. Thanksgiving's coming. Then fucking.

holidays are coming, people are going to be jumping up and down. Then one of these more moves is going to drop a bomb. You know, somewhere there's going to be something like on December 12th. Isn't that another Jewish holiday coming up? There's Hanukkah coming up. What is that? I'm a bad Jew. I don't know.

It's coming up soon, though. It's like early December. Early September. I'm talking about what's coming up now. No, no, I said early December. All right. So right there, they're going to mess up. motherfucker

honorica. It would be the obvious. It would be the obvious. Listen, I'm no fucking war guy on CNN. What do I know? I'm a fucking fellow. You know what I'm saying? Drop that mic, B.

You know what I'm talking about? I don't know nothing. I'm just giving you my opinion. You know, anything could happen right now. So before you go spending for that stereo putting on a layaway, you better hold on to that Getus to the 24th. They still got it when you get down there.

at 601 looking like you lost your puppy and shit. Tell me they still got the stereo. My girl, I'll take the floor model. It's missing a needle. I don't give a fuck. I'll sing tonight

and get the needle in two days. I don't like it. Like, I like Christmas, but I hate the bullshit about Christmas. Like, I stopped even going to supermarkets after December 1st. Because I can't I don't know

I don't like that Christmas when you walk into a store he's walking around like a lot What's that? What are you talking about? You're like the radio? The radio.

It's always pre-programmed fucking mishmash that they play a weekly rate for over the holidays. So as soon as you walk in there it's Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. And then it's Bing, ba-da-boom, bum-bara-bing.

30% off. 80% off. You motherfuckers now. Go fuck yourself. All right. Thanks. I needed that in my fucking world. Yeah, so it's kind of weird how, I don't know. I hate that time. I love Christmas.

Like, I love fucking the week before Christmas when it's really just over. It's okay to be retarded. Like, you have a legal license to be a fucking momo. You get drunk. You could do this, you could do that, you know. But, you know, who gives a fuck?

I don't know what I'm talking about. I smoked that. He said you like, before Christmas. Yeah, before Christmas, it's all right to be a fucking half of the fruits. You can walk around, drink, you know, fall on the floor. That's a good. But I'm going to give you an advisory right now.

Okay. And it happened to me two years in a row. After the fucking 15th this year, don't sign up for dick. don't sign up for put an open mic be real prepared don't get too close to people because people forget COVID's still out there and with your luck you're going to get it on the 23rd

and then you can't go to grandmas and eat lasagna whatever all the shit she's eating you know what I'm saying like I didn't get it last year but the year before I got and I think the year before I got ruined fucking something happened to Christmas before so

the plane scare me a little bit That's like the only time I'm like, ooh, because I've gotten on planes both times. It's not even the plane. It's not even the plane as much as the airport. I think it's just a lot of people at the airport. You're in small spaces for a long, but who gives a fuck? We all know that. If you're going to fly out the holidays, bring a helmet and bring Vaseline.

That's all I got to tell you. You're going to get stuck somewhere. You might as well be prepared. The dude behind the kind of listen. I got to get home. I'll give you my asshole. I'm out of money. You know, I lost my grandma's house.

You got to get home. You know, if you, I always hated traveling over the holidays. Just because of how busy it is? Yes. Especially being in a big airport and shit. If these motherfuckers don't stop, I swear to God, I'm going to choke the debt. I really am.

I don't even know who the fuck it is. I can't tell. But they got to fucking stop. Now they want to text me. You stupid men, if I hear one more thing, I'm going to stop the podcast and call them and tell them both. You're fucking.

I text you a half hour ago, I sent you that fucking thing. And now I start the podcast, and now is when you get a fucking itch to call Uncle Joey. I tell you, this happens all the fucking time. I told you that. I told you that. I am the worst.

Nobody will call all fucking day, and then I'll get five phone calls in a row from five people I don't want to hear from. And it's in a row. Like, you don't even put the phone back in your pocket and also you see your fucking boot shake it. And I'm like, who the fuck is this? Before I had some guy called me,

a nice guy, I loved him to death. I always talked to him. But then I hung up with him, then he called me back. Like I had to go back in my pocket. What? I forgot to tell you, if you're a fan. What are you bothering me for?

Listen, I'm done with the conversation. We'll talk tomorrow. Call me tomorrow. I don't have that no more. I'm old. I don't have that shit. Once we get off the phone, call me tomorrow. We'll start a new conversation tomorrow.

Ooh. Do you remember? Because I remember, like, when we met you, then you gave me your number, you'll call you. And I got waited for it. And then we talked to. for like two, three minutes, which is a lot for you, but then you said, like, I'll call you tomorrow.

I'll call you later. And I, that's like, it for probably a day. Like, you, like, you're just like, you'll call it. No, that's what it is. I'll call you right back. Like, yeah, you might start talking too much. You're like, listen, I'll call you right back. And then it's like, not like a timeout, but like.

It's 8 o'clock. It's late. I got 6, 700 milligrams. You want to call me and put me. me on Jeopardy, it's not going to work out. You know, I'm going to tell you whatever I'm going to say to get you off the phone. Anything. Yeah, I'll do your play.

Can you roller skate? Absolutely. You know, anything to get you off the phone because they always call me when I just sat down to watch something with my wife. They want to call me at 920 with, hey, man, are you available? December 8. for what? I got a game, a bingo game. Hey, listen, listen, call me tomorrow

between 9 and 12 business hours. It used to be 9 to 5. I got cut them down to 9 to 12. Leave a message and we'll get back to you. You go to the gym. Nobody calls you all day. Welcome to the gym. All of a sudden, it's like, you know, that girl that gives blow jobs in high school. My phone don't stop bringing. Everybody wants to give me flowers. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, my God. I get on the bike, right? And I put the earphones on. And then I have to go on my, I got to put my pants in, my fucking phone in my pants. Okay, I gotta put my phone in my pants and I programmed an Apple. Now, if you know anything about me,

it took me about three months to figure out how to put the music on Apple. Like, I know I had Apple, but I kept using the same album my wife downloaded 18 years ago. I didn't know how to figure out Apple. You know how I figured it out? It just came on when they were on.

I'm like, what happened there? Like, it just surprised me. I put the phone, your earphones, next to the fucking phone in the car. And all of a sudden, the fucking things started playing music. And I'm like, okay, I got this. I'll tell you about my trials and tribulations. So listen, I wake up in the morning, I have breakfast.

My daughter gets on the bus. I kiss a goodbye. I wave at the other kids. Have a good day. The whole fucking deal. I come in. I come back downstairs. I make my notes.

the day. I wash my monkey, you know, a couple bongets to get the wings. I'm not just going to go to the gym at 9.30 on pure excitement. I need some bongats. I get the motivation going. I make a liquid IV drink. Okay. I put some

cholesterol in it. And I fucking go to the gym. And guess what, Lee? That's my 30 minutes. That's my first 30 minutes are doing anything. So I figured out, if you talk to me and I take the earphones on, now the earphones don't come God.

Oh, because somebody wants to come over and ask me, did you work the game last night? No, I didn't. And I don't give a phone. Say, why are you bothering me for? I got the earphones on.

Why are you fucking saying something to me? You know I'm a retard. Why are you speaking to me this way? They come over, and then finally I figured out after another two months how to just put the earphones back on, and then they land in here, boom, and awesome the music.

Now, Now, if somebody Some fucking Momo Call me, I can tell because All of a sudden when You fucking, you know, David Gilmore's going to go into a guitar solo That's when you call me, not you, I'm saying Some fucking Momo call me

And the phone shuts off The fucking music shuts off. Also, I look at who's calling. I don't want to talk to you. But I got to wait. I got to wait for the fucking. phone to stop ringing for me to get back in my tune. So you just put into 20 seconds of my fucking bike ride

for something. And now I get four of them in 30. I'll get five of them in 30 minutes. After I get off that bike, that phone's like a ghost town. Nobody calls again, oh, you know, whatever the fuck. So that's what I'm trying to say to you. People always fucking

you know, they know, they got a camera to irritate me. There's a service. How to irritate Joey and you step up and you see me doing something that matters to me and that's when you want to fucking call me or text me. Well, I'm just sitting there scratching my balls begging for somebody to call.

He would sit there going, I wish somebody called. You've had those situations that somebody's giving you an A-beaten, and you're looking at your phone going, please. How come these idiots don't call now? How come these... Absolutely. And then the guy walks away, and then they start calling you. You're like,

I can't win. I don't need you now. Now I'm definitely not going to pick up a phone. It's easy being cheesy. That's good to see you. Zero sugar for the people who fucking emailed me. What do they matter about you? Because I drank Snapple. Yeah, Snapple's zero sugar.

If you look at my waistbasket here, I got 22 waters. So at night, after dinner, I like to let go a little bit. You know what I'm saying? What's wrong with a Snapple zero? I could see if I was drinking 22 fucking vodka's and calling Bert on the phone and breathe them heavy. You know what I'm saying?

What flavor? You know me. Zero sugar, shnapple, lemon tea. Yeah, I know it's got chemicals in it, but guess what? I live in Jersey. So a little chemical conspiracy, that ship's sale. I grew up in Jersey. I breathed every fucking psychological.

Come on. Give me a fucking breather, guys. Yeah, but they use, you know, goat's blood. Okay, but it tastes good. They con me. It is good. I fucking live on that. You want to know what happened.

So I had a hell of a week last week. Yeah. You people who want to know why, where I come I haven't been on social media? Because I can't get to it. All right. Let me tell you what happened. Wednesday, I went for the stress test.

And that went okay, believe it or not. That wasn't bad. The needle in the arm. They don't stick a needle in you now. They stick a fucking plastic thing so you can play the drums. Well, you got the intravenous thing in your arm. What are you talking about? out.

The intravenous stuff, the Ivee you put it in your arm. Isn't a needle. It's a plastic thing and it's bendable. Boom, the little Spanish can put it in. Adrian's great fucking guy over at Senate State. And they took me to

another room and they fucking sat me down first. And they asked me a bunch of creepy questions. You know, they ask you these questions. Like, I know, like, I know. I'm like, what medication are you on? Listen, I have no one. If you don't see my wife here, don't even bother. Check my name.

It's all you got. I'm like a prisoner war. I don't know nothing. And I don't want to know nothing. You know, they start right. You don't miss it. You're not sure. Whatever.

I don't even know what I'm on. I take fucking seven pills in morning and five at night. I don't know what I'm on. Clonadine, this, that, something. Then they put you on a treadmill and they shoot some ink into you That's got like speed in it Lee And you think you're gonna fucking die Like I've done it before so I was mentally prepared this time

Like I got up early that morning and you can't eat Before you go in there so whenever I can't eat I don't trust it It's a 50-50 chance that I'm gonna fucking go down like a fucking bad habit right So I go in there It's 8.30. They're fucking quick. They got me right in there.

They sat me down. You know, put the thing in my arm. Obviously, I take my headphones with me so I don't hear the needle or the rubber or whatever the fuck they're doing. And then they put me in another room and they put your other treadmill Lee. And then they fucking, while you're on the treadmill,

they shoot you with some like liquid adrenaline, like speed, to get your, to see how much you could handle. It's a stress test. Woo, my little chubby heart. I got flashbacks of 87. It was fucking. I told him to turn it off. Turn it off.

I had a tap. And they were like, are you okay, Mr. Diaz? I'm okay. I sat down. They gave me a Coca-Cola because the shit. What? You have to tap? Huh?

Why did you tap out? They put the fucking, I was okay on Flatland. But once they started playing with the fucking directions and shit up and down, playing with my emotions, that's what I thought I was going to fall, so I started panicking about that right in the morning. I got no coffee in me. So, you got sat me down. They gave me some Coke, and then they did something else.

You know, I had to lay down and do pictures of my heart and shit. And they kicked me out of there. I went in at 8.30 and I walked out of that 20 to 12. So I was straight as a dog, right? So I was like, damn, I didn't faint. But the next day had PRP. Thursday, PRPs are they taking your blood out. And then they mix it with some fucking chemicals and a bunch of malucca juice.

And then they put it into the location that hurts. So I did it on the one side of the knee, but now I could feel the inside of me starting to go. So I went through the document. He's like, listen, Joe, you got a couple options, but try the PRP again. Insurance don't cover it, but it works for a lot of people. It did work for me, but on the left side of my knee, how to double check what hand I was putting out.

You know what I'm saying? When you eat out with five edibles, you don't know what hand you put in out. You put this hand up like fruit boy scout. Next thing you know. So the PRP. P's at 3.15 in the afternoon. That gives me a chance to smoke dough,

you know, fucking eat breakfast, eat lunch. I was going to go to the gym that morning, but I had my daughter. Last week, kids were off. And my wife had to go to a banquet in the morning, like a breakfast meeting thing until 12. So I had my daughter. I just took a shop and whatever way to hear to do. And then in the afternoon, I went to PRP. I went in there with my speakers on.

You know, I want to have my speakers on. over the apex, my dog over there, right? Dr. Severino, good dude. I've been to him before, you know, you don't faint. Nothing like that happens to you. So I laid back, what arm do you want to that? I go time out with the right arm. They just shot me in there with a fucking plastic tube yesterday.

We got to switch governments and shoot it over to the left arm, right? So I put on my usual anthem. When I draw blood, I put on San Antonio. Oye Comova. I'm one of those dudes. I put it off from the beginning. By the time he's taking the rubber band off my arm and opening my hand and insert the needle,

it's already going. So I'm into, I feel a little prick of the needle, and then I breathe it up. And they pull my arm up, and I'm like, that didn't hurt at all. I could be strictly honestly. But this one was different. They stuck the needle in my arm,

and, Lee, a fucking minute went by. And I'm going, holy shit, I've grown up a lot. Because 30 years ago, after 10 seconds, I go down. I start thinking about it. So the needle was still in your arm? For fucking a whole minute while they were drawing blood. Oh, fuck no. Yeah, they're drawing, I don't know how many Cs.

You're there for a little wild dog. And finally we hit like two minutes. I'm two minutes into this song. Trust me, I've heard this song 10,000 fucking times. And it's at the two minute mark. And I'm like, holy shit, I can't believe I haven't fainted yet. And I didn't even finish thinking that. And he goes, he taps me and he goes, how are you doing?

And I go, not bad. And he goes, five more seconds. And then he took it out, put my arm up. I took the earphones off. Obviously it turns off, right? And I'm talking to him. And brother, the next thing you know, the room started getting out and a motherfucker.

I felt like Nelly. That's why you got to take me clothes off, whatever that song is. It was hot. It was hot in that. To the point where I had to lay back, and I started sliding off the chair. It got hot out of control.

I started seeing spots around my eyes. And then I said to him, Doc, can you bring a fucking ice pack for me? And he brought it immediately. And I could feel him put hard ice on my neck. And within this fucking 30 seconds, it was water. they put one on my

and one on my fucking head in the front and all of them melted within fucking 30 seconds, dog, hysterical. Why do you think you got so hot? Just from just from... My blood pressure dropped. And you got hot. But dog, I made it without fainting.

I made it without complaining. I grew up a lot. I'm 60. By this point, hopefully you can do something right. You know what I'm saying? So now I leave that joint. I'm not going to say the name of the restaurant. They're good people.

I'm sitting here at home. I come home just to make sure I'm okay. My knees fine. By the way, bro, that's the easiest procedure you'll ever do. Which is what? Which one? The one at apex? There's my second.

There's nobody, anybody who's been listening to me for a while, my dear friends, they all know I'm not comfortable around needles. I'm just, there's something about fucking needles. I just don't feel comfortable. around. I drive myself down there, guys. You know, that's like me driving myself to get shot in my world, okay? Me going to the doctor to take, put any type

of needle in me in my head. Driving myself to get in front of a fucking firing squad. Like, I already go in there feeling fucking gloomy, my stomach hurts, and then you read that book, and you know it's called resistance. Resistance just doesn't go against you, and you're creative. they'll go against your help. There's people that'll die before they go to the fucking doctor.

Now, I'm not fucking, you know, friendly with the doctors, but you've got to go in there and talk to people from time to time and check things out. And yeah, I'm very lucky. I didn't go to the doctor from the time I was 18 until like 30-something. You know, I didn't get a physical time moved that way.

So... It's something that, like, I struggle with because... I lost a good at my weight. I put like 20 pounds back on, unfortunately. But I, did you ever get to a point where, like, you didn't, my whole thing was, I don't want to go until I'm under a certain number.

Like, do you have any, like, is that part of, like, did your weight go into you not want to go to the doctor? There was a point where, like, most people, you're just embarrassed. Who wants to go in front of a doctor when the last time you went in there, you were 260 and now you're 315. And that happens a lot. And in that process, you get diabetes.

You might get a blood clot in your leg. You know, you might, you know, so it's worth it. Like, I didn't go to the doctor for a long time, man, and knock on wood, I don't know. But once I started going to the doctor, I think it felt a lot better on my fucking scope, like that I'm going to the doctor. I'm doing something for myself.

For a couple of years, then my wife had to drive me, you know, because she knew I would make a U-turn and cancel the appointment. You know, that's who I am. I'd cancel appointment before going and take care of myself. And then once I got the hang of it, I didn't start fainting. I go to the dentist now.

I drive myself to the dentist. You know, I'm going to Joe. You're a grown man. What do you mean you're drunk? Doug, I got problems. I don't want to go. Who wants to go get stabbed in the fucking mouth? I'd rather put a fourth tooth in with Scott's tape and leave me the fucking one. We'll figure it the fuck out. But again, you can

die from all that shit, you know? And when you're out there doing drugs and drinking and fucking around a lot of people, you know, when you're young, you're invincible. But at one point, that shit takes a toll, you know, and it could be 35, it could be 42, or it could be 29. You just don't know. And you've broken the fucking barrier of booze. So now I come home, I fucking hang out, and then I go to this deli that you and I both visit,

I had a sandwich there. In fact, I couldn't eat the whole sandwich. I had a half the sandwich. I didn't eat the coastal, and I had a half a sandwich. Oh, a cup of soup. That's all I could do. Like, you know, from fainting, I guess. I was still not really hungry, but I just wanted to eat something,

so I wouldn't be hungry at 10, 15 at night. And then I start panicking for real. So I get up and, you know, I've been there. 200 times in three years. It's one of my favorite delis. I was looking down, but it's usual where the customers walk out. And when I went to make the right turn,

I got my foot got caught on like a couple of mats and stuff like that. And I went down and dog, I was fucking out of it for a minute. Like I kept it together. I picked the Mexican came over. He's like, we put the mats down. I'm like, you know.

I had happened. I didn't even go for it. I just got up, limped out of there. I walked out. I got in the car, and I drove home. Still probably in shock. You know, I came home and I chilled, and about an hour later, my legs started hurting.

And then about an hour later, my wife came home with mercy. They were doing something, and fucking, my wife goes, let me see it. And she's like, Joey, this thing's starting to swell up. And that night I did not sleep at all, at all. I finally got out of bed at six. and I just went to the living room and one of the girls

who was staying here that night the mom text me and she goes, how'd the night go? And I go, great. And she goes, I could see you're up early. I go, yeah, I'm always up you know, early in the morning. And she goes, I was your night? And I go, I fucking fell last night. I thought I ripped

my Achilles tendon. Because my leg got really fucking hard in the middle of the night. Like, I couldn't even go to the bathroom. Like, it was real guy. So she made a call for me. Because she just had Achilles surgery, and they got me in there. Thank God, it's just some tendons that I stretch and a fucking few muscles.

And dog, I don't wish to pain on anybody, especially when I stand on it. So I'm pretty much sitting here for three days, like a swami with no salami. I'm pissing in a fucking bottle because the pain toast they gave me. I haven't taken this shit, so I'm backed up. I started eating antibiotics, and I've been farts that smell like newer. So it's coming out at any time now. I'm going to have to crawl to the bathroom like fucking Lazarus. Just to come back.

Dog, I cannot step on it. I cannot step up. Like, it's that scary. That's a scary time in your life when you know I can't fucking step on it. If there's a fire, I'm getting lit up. I ain't going to go nowhere. You've got to drag me out of here. Jesus Christ, why do you think there's going to be a fire in there?

There's not going to be a fire? This is how you have to think. That's why when I see people... No, it's anxiety. That's anxiety. No, it's not anxiety. It's planning ahead. It's like when I see people

and they're at a fucking bar and they got flip flops on. What if a fight breaks out and somebody steps on your foot? You lose your flip flop and you get a beaten because you lost your flip flop. Now you've got to walk home

without a flip flop and a black guy. Who wants to live like that? Do you? So you're playing ahead. You're going to go to a bar. You wear some combat boots, bitches. shit gets down, your fucking sidekick motherfuckers, even though you don't know karate.

It might save your fucking lighten up on it. What do you think you're doing with? But that is, I'm just trying to drop it on you all. It's hot. I haven't been able to have a flip-ups for like over a decade now. And tonight I did eat three ABXs, but I mix them with bees. One of those.

He's milk chocolate, see the milligrams. What is it? have no idea. I'm blind as a bat. The whole ball is 2,500. Jesus Christ.

Uchus, muchus, dominuchus. Boom, you get 16 pieces. So do the matter real quick. You're an accountant.

I am an accountant. Boom, let's do it. 16 pieces? No. 16. 156 in a quarter. Peace, right? Yeah.

So right here you got 156 times four. 625. Salude. It's Tuesday morning, you know what I'm saying? Get your life together, boys and girls. It's getting real out there. You ain't got time to think and procrastinate. This is it.

I got to adjust this. All you can see is my big nose. All right. Whatever. That'll work. That works, buddy. I'm not for a word for my sponsor. Hey, let's take a break from the check-in.

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I love you guys. And now, back to the show. We're back, you fucking savages. the chocolate was delicious and now we're here. Lee, what's going on with you? Why are you drinking water for? Because I'm thirsty. Another 600. You know what I'm saying?

Jesus Christ. Well, I trained this week because I had no choice. I had the pain in my legs. So the first night I tried to be a boy scout and I'd take the edibles. I broke down on Friday night and I popped like 800. And you know what? A weird was crazy. You know, they sell marijuana

as this. It has. helps with anxiety, it helps you sleep, it releases pain, it relieves pain. You read these things and you go, I don't know. I don't fucking know. And then you get a two-take. And there's no pain medication. You're taking Tylenol, Advil, a leave, nothing's working. You're on your third day.

And one night you just wake up when you're frustrated. You smoke some refa. You see what happens. You're going to put the joint away, wake up and say, fucking Joey's a jerk off. And you're going to get iced. You're going to put it on your face and lay there and put the TV on and watch the news. And next thing you know, you're going to realize you don't hurt because it took your mind away from it.

That's what it does. It takes your mind away from the pain. And listen, you're still going to have pain. But you're even going to go, holy shit, my pain went away for 20 minutes. That's fucking weird. And as much as you don't want to say, well, it must have been the comfort sauce my grandmother brought from Poland. Just, you know, because I tell you, I don't believe that statement. But, you know, I got my medical marijuana license the first time on an anxiety, no sleep basis.

Do I get anxiety? Yes. And can I, my biggest one is sleep. But for years, I always smoked. in the morning and then never throughout the day and then at night so I would get really double blasted and I could fall asleep it would be like eating inedible for me back then but you know 50 years shit's gonna happen to the lungs and uh your body adjust to different things and now you know I live with that so what up with you how's comedy dog enough about me what the fuck

what the fuck you've been how many shows you do last week I did a lot I just I did probably, I don't do probably, eight to ten. Listen, like on Tuesdays, I want a number. You should always, what will we discuss last week? I didn't say that. Your T-shirt, where how many sets you did and broke them down at all times. Like, if you come to my country, I'm going to check your credentials. What did you do last week?

I did nine spots. I ate three dicks. You know, one of them was weird that didn't speak English. you know, wait until you get tired for one of those. A non-English speaking crowd? Oh, yeah. I don't think I've done that.

But they always throw a decoy at you. They throw the two white cousins and one of them is probably a hot chick and that's how they sell you on going in there. And then you get in there and it's always a surprise as you're walking through the doors to get there, you get

that certain scent. I'm not throwing anybody under the bus here. You go back there, you're throwing your A material, and they're all looking at you weird. You get the check as you're walking out. You're like, what happened? They're like, oh, they don't speak English. Then why'd you bring me here?

I just went up there. I could have gone up there and played a kazoo, and they were to like more than me just going on. Have you gotten the kazoo yet, Doug? No. What do you mean, a kazoo? You want me to get a kazoo in case they start a far? And you should go on stage when a joke bombs, hit the kazoo one time.

If you die with four jokes, you hit the kazoo four times. Bab boom. Somehow I don't think that people are going to like that. Yeah. Who knows? You got to try everything for a while. You're just buying time to you become one of the biggest comedy stars in the world. So this is when you experiment.

And I don't have to have the kazoo every time. like bomb? Like, I remember early on, like my second, third year, I was bombing, especially at that place as a host. I was just going up there to bomb. Oh, yeah. During the feature act

and the headliner with a stray face, like nothing happened. Like, I don't drink, but right off I got on stage, I'd be drinking like double fucking rum and coax and shit. Like, I don't even know what I drank back then. But, you know, it was I had to figure out how to be better than the early

week. And I still remember as corny as it is putting on a Madonna thing, like the Vogue video with the cones. I actually dug that down and dirty and put the cones on one time. In like 93. I mean, it doesn't count now. It's not on record. But I'm telling

you the truth. I don't know the stupid shit I did. But for a couple weeks, I had improvised because it was the same audiencely. It was, remember, it was $15 to get in and you got a prime rib with a baked potato. and a free bowl of shrimp.

So they went to watch the comedy. And I would say- They didn't really want to watch comedy. No, they went there for a fucking $15 steak. If you pay for the steak, you got a free comedy ticket. Right. So that was the hang that you stayed for the thing. You know how many times you couldn't even get them to look up?

I've done those, yeah. They're eating. They're eating. And that prime rib, honest to God, a lot better than I was back then. And they would eat right in front of you. And then I remember going home and going, I get it. I'm not going to get laughs.

I'm going to get these savages to just look at me. And that's how I started. I just broke it down to different levels. I was there for two years, man. And listen, when I got out of there, I was still a shitty comic, but I had a good understanding of what was going on because I worked with national headliners every week.

They weren't the best, national ad liners, but I worked with a lot of people. I caught up with years later in LA and I said, oh my God, we worked at the broker in 92. Oh shit, that's right. So it's kind of weird, you know. So you never know.

But the host is crazy. Like I was I had, I got asked to feature randomly or out of the blue on Friday. And I had like probably,

I told you, like, I felt like I was bombing in front of, like, managers or, like, bookers, and I did so well, like, they came over and hugged me. Like, I did, I had probably one of the best sets of my, I'm doing stand-up. And I could hear when you spoke to me that night that you were very happy. Oh, like, it was, it just, everything went well, and, like, it just, well, you know what this weekend showed me was how important the audience is? Like, like, just, but, like, not, like, like, how they can change things. But, and then Saturday, I went to host.

And the same material, just, like, they weren't, they were just smile, like, they were smiling, like, they were happy, but they just didn't, I would just say things that 24 hours earlier was getting hugs. And then they were just, like, not even at all. the hosting part is so foreign to me. I feel like I've been doing pretty well as a stand-up, but I'm not doing a great job

as a host. Okay, you've got to tackle your fears. You've got to tackle this shit that you're having a hard time with. Like I said, anybody could feature and anybody could headline real quick. You see how it happens. And then they become headliners in your area, and that's what they do,

the rest of their lives. And I don't know. I was always very, I don't know what the word is, noble or whatever that I thought that I had to become. Then it was, listen, featuring on Tuesday night for me at that

place, after like two years I got it down. But then I went on the road as an MC. No, no. I mean, MC and at the Boulder broker, I was, you know, I didn't kill every week, but towards the end, I knew how to worked the room a lot better than when I walked in there.

But the true test was going on the road as an MC and learning the business side of it. And that's the side right there that kills most people. Like the announcements you have to make? Huh? Like the announcements you have to make? Like what do you mean the business side of it? You know, welcome.

You come up on stage, okay? What's going on? My name is Lisa. Yeah, yeah, I'm Jewish. I get it. Ba-ba-ba. you do your 30 minutes, you get the fuck off stage. Okay, by that, I don't know, 60 seconds,

they know if they like you or they don't. Okay, like anything else in life. Now you're coming up going, welcome to fucking Lee Syatt's comedy club. My name is Pete Patello. Welcome to our show. We got a great headline for you tonight. Joe Rogan's in the house.

Your feature act, Joey Diaz. And we're going to have a great show. Don't forget the special of the night tonight is the, burning asshole. If you buy one, you get one free. Now you got to write it. You know, I don't even know if it's burning asshole. It could be a greyhound.

It could be a martini. But you just went from becoming a comic to kind of becoming a cell. And then you do four minutes of material and you'll get a light and the guy that goes. And don't forget, coming next week is, you know, Chrystallia. And then the week after that, and that's great. I want you to learn how to go. Coming next week, the great Christalia, and the week after that, fucking Whitney Cummings is coming. Whatever.

There's comedy club owners that will make you read the whole fucking calendar from September 24th all the way. And don't forget, the host of the morning show will be here on New Year's Eve doing this thing. And you actually have to go up there and go, New Year's Eve. dog, it just took you away for three minutes of your 15 fucking minutes. You just had to talk about the schedule, who's going to be there, and the two drink minimum. And now you've got to go back to your material. It takes fucking Houdini to do that. You're not going to walk off the street and just do that like that.

Yeah, you might pull it off one or maybe two times, but eventually you're going to catch up with it, and you're going to fucking struggle until you know how to balance it. It took me years to become a host. and once I became a feature act, I still missed it. Even in Seattle, I still kept like Joey Diaz on Wednesday nights.

We do Joey Diaz and his flying momboes. And it was always Brody, Josh. And then Tuesday night, it was an open mic, Monday night with summer. And Thursday night,

if the headliner was only working Friday and Saturday, it was Brody's show, got rest of soul. And it was fucking me, Josh Wool, the same thing. We only rotated. I did those. Yeah, I did it for the small 50,

but I did those because somewhere in me, I wanted to learn how to host. And I still remember going to the comedy store years later. Now it was a feature on the road. The comedy store has 15-minute spots. And one day, like after I was there, like, I don't fucking know, two years. Freddie Soto offered me the driving job in the van.

It was 15 hours a week. And I'm at the store mingling and shit. I was already a regular. So I wasn't doing it to be in anybody's ass. I was already in. I was just looking for something to do in the daytime. And it paid, I don't know, $10 an hour or whatever, 12 an hour. You went to the bank, you made deposits.

You picked up lumber at the fucking hardware store in Beverly Hills. And you picked up a tongue sandwich for Mitsies Shore, God rest of the soul. That was your job. From 12 to 5 or from 10 to 5, that was your job on Friday. And then you got paid and you went to La Jolla. Or you went and you did a Friday night gig somewhere.

And then Freddie didn't want the hosting game. So he's like, Joey, you wanted it. He pays 25 bucks. And I'm like, which one? The fucking 10 to close. That's when the hitters come in. And I had been doing. of every Sunday.

And I really wanted to just host on the hitters came in. And dog, that made me a fucking killer. That really did it. At that level, I was headlining, but was that real headliner? Fuck, no. I was just getting $12, $1,500

a week. It was a little extra to plane ticket. That's why I was doing it. I had a manager who booked me at these clubs. I wasn't a headliner. I was a mediocre feature with 28 minutes I had a stretch now to 45. How bad do you really think I was?

Really fucking bad. Unless I improvised and hit the lottery that night. But unless, and that's when you did Tuesday through Sunday. So. Wow. Yeah. You did Tuesday through Sunday. That sounds awesome.

Sunday. You did laundry Monday night. You hugged up with your girlfriend. You bought some weed. And you got back on a plane Tuesday morning. i'm sure it gets old but did you like it for a little bit like when you first started doing it like fuck i'm doing all these shows then they added the midnight show on saturday and i was the king of those i loved them and i remember one time buffalo at it one the funny bone and you know me dog i'm

the type of motherfucker if you got a party and it's going to be good i'm going to go up there i actually call the funny bone they're like stop by we'll cover your hotel and you're going to give you percentage of the door. I walked in there. It was like Madison Square Garden on a fucking Saturday night. It was like Madison Square gone because the people come over from Canada.

Wow. Come on now, son. It sat like 320 people. They had wings in there. They had fucking all buffalo shit. It was across the street from the Wegmans and their wings were even bigger than fucking the comedy club.

It was a great experience. So I started doing it. Anytime I was in this area, I would stop in Buffalo on Saturday night. Get the hotel room, hang out with the fucking owner. And then he closed the club. The owner robbed the place. He became the gambler. And the rest is history.

The Buffalo Funny Bone went down. That's how quickly goes down. So appreciate it. Why you got it. That's a lesson. You know what I'm saying? Shocking ending. Oh, my God.

How long ago was this? This had to be 99, 98. I remember I started there with Steve McGrew. I was Steve McGrew's feature Thanksgiving week. Again, it started Tuesday, Wednesday, and that week we had Thursday off. But Friday, Becana became a five-spot weekend. So from Friday to Sunday, and then we did the midnight show. So as a feature back then, I would make okay money in Buffalo showing up for one night on Saturday.

The owner liked me. I liked him. I liked what he was doing. It just wasn't a show. He put music. He had a DJ. He was already doing that in 98. He was already doing that.

The front was a party. There was an after party for the show. He did the midnight show right, you know. But then people just became acts. They would start to. midnight show at 1245. Why have a midnight show? Because the fucking went over his fucking time on purpose because he's a

fucking prickhead. So when the 1240, the 1245, everybody was doing midnight shows and they started at 1245. You know how long that show lasts? It should last a half hour. It should last half an hour. That's it. You're not going to hold their attention.

They're already three quarters in the bag. Now you made them wait for 45 minutes. outside, whatever, it's raining, it's snowing, it's 90 degrees, you know, how do you think they're going to fucking be? And I'm not predetermining an audience. I don't want you to think I'm doing it. But imagine, imagine on a Saturday you paid for a babysitter, midnight show, you got a hotel room so you could bang it until fucking six.

She's got to go home and mom three kids. You know, whatever the story is. I don't know what the story. You know what I'm saying? But that's, that's the reality. of it. I always wondered because I always thought like going to the late show would be

better as like a fan because I thought like the comic would have more time to like fuck around. But like as a comic, the early shows I think you're right. Like the first thing when you said midnight shows like oh they're going to be drunk. They're going to be like Hammond. Really. Yeah.

Hammond. It's Saturday night. What the fuck do you think they did? They met at 8 o'clock for dinner. And they started pounded martinis. And after dessert came, they started doing lines of coke because you can't control yourself.

You tell yourself, I'm going to hold on to it. The comic almost gets off. That's never going to happen. So now you're chatty. Right. Now you give some to your girlfriend, and she gives some to your girlfriend, and now three people out of six

and chip chatting at the fucking table. So trust me, I've gone through all this shit. That's why you don't see many midnight shows anymore. They just finally said it's a recipe for destruction. I don't like starting a show late like that. Okay, listen, we've got to start at 1210. I can live with that. 1245. I want my money back. Come on, man. 1245. That means I'm not going to get a cocktail to one. I used to do those. in Miami, dog. And I learned

the rough comedy at midnight. But I also told them if I feature, I'm only doing 20 minutes. What do you mean? Dog, your attention span. You're just killing yourself to live. They're really here to see the headliner. They're really here to see the headline. The place is sold out, not because I'm headlining, but because whoever it is is headlining. Let him do 45. I do 15

the MC does 10 and we get the fuck out of here. That doesn't sound like a bad idea. Yeah. And now the natives won't be restless. We could do what the fuck we do. So yeah, I don't know how long I'm going to be down for.

I don't know if I, you know, this is it. And I've been enjoying it. You know, I live in the basement pretty much. I can't even go upstairs to my bed. No, you don't go upstairs? No. I can't go up two flights of stairs.

There's no fucking way. I'll break the fuck. It's just too painful. I have to take a bat standing up like a prisoner of war in my living room naked with a towel underneath me. You know, I have a shave today without a fucking heat shower. Are you fucking kidding me? How to shave like fucking raw like prison show. When I do that shit, I always think of prison.

I got to shave fucking without a. You can't shave in a shower. Somebody will shave your asshole and fucking stab you ten times. You got to have your hands close to Okulow. Yeah, I don't think you're shaving in prison, are you? No, no, no, you grow a beard. Look like Ari. Yeah, you fucking shave in prison.

Well, I mean, like your face, but I'm not like the rest of your body. Oh, let me tell you something. You put a razor to your balls. 99 to one odd you're going down in a fucking, in the, and the men's something. They're just going to find you mangled at that with a fucking ball in your mouth with an apple that says

I love sandals. You won't be hearing for him no more. I have no idea. Oh, yeah. You go on that shower and fight. It's like that scene in the Wolf of Wall Street when the guy's cleaning out his fish tank

and the crazy guy takes the fish out. and eats it. And they throw the guy out. The fuck out. They throw the guy. Listen, in prison, if you even pull that shit, like you're going to shot with a mask game within eight minutes.

That's it. You're going to get gang raped. And they're just going to stab you. They're going to do it for you. You got 16 years anyway. You're shaving your balls. They're going to last for you. Holy shit. If you're in prison, you Stay primitive.

Hairy armpits. Your eyebrows got to go fucked up. You don't brush your teeth. That's what I thought. Huh? That's what I thought. That's why I was like... I can't not brush my teeth.

You have to brush your teeth. You got to brush your teeth. You got to be primitive. You got to be ready to bite a motherfucker. That's another weapon. I bit that motherfucker and I didn't brush my teeth for 89 days. Something's going to happen to him. That's quite a quote.

Are you kidding? I'm eating sardines and shit. You know, I got shit growing in my mouth. I'm eating sushi at night. You want to fuck me. I'll bite you in a fucking neck. You'll go down like 24 hours. It's not going to kill you immediately.

Like a snake biting you in the neck and shooting that poison that makes you phone from the mouth. But. but what I don't know the animals have kicked in the chocolate's kicked in you know yes they have

oh yeah I forgot you took more Jesus Christ another 600 it's Tuesday I don't have to see the doctor till Wednesday I'm glad that helps with your It's a Zoom meeting with the doctor It's telehealth

What do you think you're dealing with joy bananas I actually had a I was wondering your opinion on something. Hit me. Hold on. What? It is. Awwa. That sounds like fucking Willie Colon's trombone that one.

Anyway, go ahead. Are you in your living room? Where are you? In the basement, I'm telling you. Nobody can hear this. They're hiding my downstairs. They got the soundproof room up there. They don't want mercy to hear anything of it. The cat was here for a little while.

That's the first time I had a real live animal in the studio. The cat was here, chilling. She just left about seven minutes ago. I didn't know if she was there. That's funny. You bet your thing this week? Did you lose any money? No, I actually won two.

Say what you were going to say. I'm sorry. You had something. Oh, okay. Well, I can talk about betting too, but I was wondering what your opinion on work from home is. Like, because I was talking with somebody and he was saying he got his job switched to work from home. And it's driving them nuts a little bit, not going into the office. And I've been doing it for two years.

And, you know, I have opinions. If I tell you that I'm giving you a job and you can stay at home and not wash your feet and being your underwear until 5 o'clock, a little motherfuckin'herment like yourself will take the job. Because you actually enjoy being home. You told me you didn't like going into the office when I used to make you edit all the jobs or at night anyway. Can you imagine having a night job editing out of your house?

No. Beyond. Oh, yeah. Your refrigerator, your food, you're prepared. You're going to be up all night. If you want to do something and take a nap for 35 minutes, you can. So the problem with, listen, when COVID came and people, people fell in love with the idea working from home. Who wouldn't?

Who fucking wouldn't? You know, I could see if I worked 10 minutes from here. But could you imagine if you lived where I live and had to enter the city every day by 7.30 in the morning, you got to leave your 5 in the fucking morning in the dead of the winter and land in fucking Port Authority. And God knows what could happen to your 5 in the fucking morning outside of Port Authority.

And then you have to walk some more to your job or whatever. So what was the question? I really what you thought about work from home. So then they offer you fucking working from home. And it's pretty fucking cool. really don't know what you're doing. And a couple of years ago, I remember you and I discussing this that they did like a survey of how much people really work from their job about like 2015. I remember discussing this with somebody. They did a survey of how much IT people, people who work

in the office exactly work. In an eight-hour day, they work like three and a half hours because there's too much shit to fidget around with. So my point is, if that could happen to you in an office, what's going to happen to you at home when your girlfriend just came out of the shower and she walks past you with a thong on and no top on to pour coffee. You're going to pull that Zoom wire.

The wires are going down. Made day. You're pulling that wire. You know, so I know if I'm a business owner, do I want people working from home five days a week? I don't see these people. Listen, if I was doing powder in my day, and you gave me a day job in the house,

are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me with it? That's half the party right there. I don't have to get up in the morning. I just got to go on the computer and go, you know what? My camera's not working and hit the blackout. And I could talk to you,

do coke like fucking, what's his name? The dude from Wolf on Wall Street, Venetio El Toro, whatever his fucking name is. I don't know. Leandro DeCabria? Yeah, Leonella DeCabria, whatever's fucking names. Benizio and Otharo.

I don't know. It's one of those names. Fucking Giovanni, whatever his fucking name is. Giovanni Giannini. Why'd you give him one name for it? Confused the fuck out of me. Giovanni Giannini and shit.

So I think that if the employee is I think that what the fuck are you laughing about you? I don't think that what we were talking about. Like, I trust you. If I own the top 500 company and I had to pay you $250 and you were the backbone of the operation

and you said to me, I'd rather work them home. I got a kid and a daughter and my wife's pregnant. I trust you. I'm going to go over there one time. I want to look at your operation. I want to make sure the refrigerator is not next to you. and I'm going to give you a few books on organizing.

So, you know, this is great for people. You know, Joey, I always thought about joining a fucking yoga class. There's one at 10 o'clock. So that means now after you put your kid on the bus, you could run in and work from 8 to 9.30. Get the morning started, send out your emails, go to your yoga class, stop for a smoothie, come back. There's no kids around.

So now you can go straight till 3 o'clock. Right? You can go straight till 3, 4. whatever the babysitter picks them up, whatever the fuck, you need to pick them up. So now we know we have an understanding. You're going to work eight to three, five days a week, and three days you're going to work eight to nine, 30,

and whatever, so you can go to yoga. I can live with that, Lee. I can live with that. We timed your day out. You have a great schedule. When you come back, I'd rather you go to yoga at 10. Why? Because whatever problems you got in the morning, you can work out in your brain during yoga. So when you come back, I'm going to get better time out of you.

You're going to be better mentally prepared. You're not going to have any days. The edible I gave you last night is going to be out because you sweat it all out of yoga. Even if you just go to regular yoga, you understand my point here, whether it's yoga, karate, lifting weights. If you want to play one of those fucking swords with a mask on, I want you to get out. because you're going to be stale to me at 1230. I know this. I know this.

You're going to be stale the same way I would be stale. I know when I get up in the morning, I want to fucking leave the house, run out of your naked, run through the bushes for three minutes, and then walk back with my fucking earphones on and listen to the music, you know. And then I want to do some work

because I planned out my day in that little exercise movement. When I walk the neighborhood for 20 minutes in the morning, I have a way better daily. And then I do what I got to do when I stop at the gym or I go to Jiu-Jitsu. Whenever I take that 20-minute walk, I have a way better day. And like mentally you have a better day? Yes. Yes. And how did you just figure out that was the difference maker?

I think. What human being is we're getting a lot of fucking shit thrown at us. Now you go into a job at 8 o'clock and the world's falling apart. The UPS driver got a flat, so he's running late. Fucking the artwork is running late. This guy didn't show up to work because he got arrested last night. And now you've got to deal with all this by 10 o'clock. With all the shit that's getting into your mind, now you need this at your job?

How are you going to be the rest of the day? If I let you take a breather at 10 o'clock Because I trust you and you trust me We'll switch it up I'll come in three days a week and cover your ship You come in Tuesday and Thursday and cover mine And at least you get out You're not in the fucking house for eight hours

I don't know anybody that should be in a house From eight to four working for anybody That's just my opinion Because I can't do it That's like being in prison You want to be in prison I think that's what a lot of people are doing. Like, that's...

And I like my job, but Monday, 8 to 5. Well. It's... It is a lot of... Listen. America gives you all these survey numbers all the time. And I think sometimes they pull the numbers out of their ass. I'm no fucking major league economist.

But I think any smart person will tell you. You're trying to, as an employer, I'm trying to get the best... I can't. I'm trying to get the best Lee I can. So do I think personally, I want to keep Lee in the house and underwear and a fucking nice plaid jacket on from fucking nine to three without getting a dose of sunlight? You want to stay in the eight to ten and go for a walk for a now and come back at 12,

eat a sandwich and get back on the computer. I'm okay with that too. Yeah, they definitely talk about that, especially. I mean, it's something I was doing a lot of. And I definitely, I would agree. It actually makes a lot of sense. Now, let's say you have to work and your wife is home. I love my wife.

I love my wife. When I do these, I don't want to lurking. So now you have to work in the mornings, and she's in the other room. Lee, you never told me about that wedding on December 26th. you got some guy from some podcast company, you got another guy on a hold, you got a Zoom, his camera went out, and she wants to know if you go to the wedding on November 26th.

Hold on, let me get the fucking gun. You know what I'm saying? Like, hold on, I need this right now, December 26th. So there's so many distractions at the house. That's the other thing. So it all depends. It all depends what you could do. That's my opinion on it.

Listen, me, I want to work at the house, but guess what? I'm not sitting here all fucking day. So let me get scoodle out of here. Let me catch Jiu-Jitsu from 12 to 1, three times a week. And after I won't break your balls. But Tuesday and Thursday, I'm going to be the best fucking Joey Dears you'll let the seat because I got peace of mind from going to Jiu-Jitsu.

I want you to do something. I don't want you to sit in the desk. No vitamin fucking D eating process. as food, lunched over. I'm just going to get an employee. You know, I don't want that either. Everybody says they, everybody always says, you know, I'm concerned about you, Lee.

Well, then help me. You know, don't bring 22 cheeseburgers to my house. You know, it's just so weird. Everybody wants to fucking help you. But, uh, that's just my opinion, Lee. You know, I'm a married man. I got a kid in here. I couldn't imagine having to do work in my back office with mercy lurking around.

Right. It's different, but when there's, like, school versus no school, the summer's definitely different. But you were asking me about, about gambling, too. How'd you do this weekend, Tarzan? I actually won two bets. I won, like, $55. I went to the casino twice.

I played blackjack. It was fun. At the casino or online? at the casino. They don't have it on the app in Massachusetts. You're like you, for example. I know you. And I know you love walking to a casino. Oh, yeah.

Being in a casino, and I've seen your whole mood chill, and you're very excited, and it's the first time your feet don't hurt. You're just free in a casino, you know what I'm saying? You're like a gay dude on gay pride. You're just roaming the street, jumping up and down with no bikini on. So like draft king casino, any casino.

Mm-hmm. You like it, but not really. I like it, but it's, um, I like being in person. I, I, I, because I love playing cards. I will play cards. It's always fun to play cards. Me on the other hand, I would love to go and play, uh,

slots and maybe play a dog. solid table with blackjack with you. But then I think about the drive to AC, parking, walking down there, am I going to get mugged on the way out? Am I going to get hitting the head when I get my car? I mean, and it's a lot of fucking walking down there. So you better bring your roller skates, bitch.

So I can't do any of that shit. So I love doing what I got to do. And my 1130 little break is doing a little drafting casino. I'll do that before I have to go to Jiu-Jitsu. I'll give myself a 15-minute window and fucking have a good time by myself there. I love when I visited Jersey. And then the rest of the day, I'm off.

I don't have to do dick. I don't have to gamble. I don't know who I'm going to bet tonight. I have no idea. It's Buffalo against somebody. I have no idea. But it's Monday night. You never know what's going to happen.

Everybody's saying that Buffalo hasn't covered the last four weeks, or the last four prime time game. I'm not into another of those stats anyway. So you look at it, you see what you like, and take your chances, Shorty. You know what I'm saying? It's fun.

How do you feel about your comedy lately, Lee? Do you feel a growth? I do. It's weird. It was very strange. I had one of the best and one of the worst sets of my life, like, back to back, which was fun. But I feel like I am getting a lot better.

And that's what you said, because I called you, and I was like, I asked you a question and we were talking about hosting. And you're like, well, when you're ready to feature, well, you'll feature. I'm like, well, I feel like I am a pretty good feature. I honestly do. I feel like I can do a very good feature job. But hosting, which is very different. So, like, I'm as good as I feel like I'm doing in some ways, I'm like, I found out

I'm not doing very well in others. Well, I'll tell you what, right now, if I was managing you with a plan, right now, I would keep you out of the A-rooms as a feature, and if they wanted to emcee you, I would keep you on the scene in there and get them fall in love with Lee. Even though I don't think I'm that good of a host? Nope, yeah, yeah, yeah, because then I'll really worry. They're going to watch you. You're likable. You don't drink. You don't cause no problems.

You get some laughs up there. You get along with the feature. You're on time. There's so many other things they really look at. And then you get a credit. You get a credit. And all of a sudden, boom. There you are.

Right now, the love you're going to get, 85% of it is from B-room featuring. They're going to fucking put you on instantly. You know, right now, A-room featuring, first of all, the truth of the matter is headliners bring their own features. So why compete with something that you're going to get frustrated over?

Nothing you can do. You go to the comedy store every fucking night and stand there and wait for Mitzie Shore to plead your case. She made her decision. Get the fuck out of here. Disappear for a year. Die your hair purple.

Write some material and stop your whining. Do you follow him saying to you? The attitude I came from? So you fucking go to those B rooms. You pick up 20 weeks of fucking work in those B rooms. I like to connect you with somebody. It's one of those guys where he did some good stuff for me. Never any good money.

Always got me gigs, but there was always a, by the way. It was always $50 different. There was no hotel, and I wouldn't get to no hotels till I just drove six hours. And I was pulling my fucking luggage out of the back and they're like, oh, there's the hotel here tonight. Where's the hotel?

You got to drive 90 miles that way to get out. What are you talking about? I'm in there doing doubles. It never dawned on you. I'm in there snorting fucking bazookaheads in the bathroom. It never dawned on you. You used to tap me on the shoulder and say,

do you have a ride home? I mean, there was just so many, One night in Baltimore stands out where I got there. And I go, we never got a hotel in the hotel. He knew that. And I asked the feature. What are you going to do? She goes, well, I date a guy that lives down here.

I'm like, fuck. And that was one of those gigs where, oh, yeah, you didn't get paid. Ah, he'll pay you on Monday. So here I am in fucking Baltimore with the small 20 in my pocket, a half a joint and four cigarettes. you're not going to pay me and fuck and there's no hotel room. So I thought of hooking him up with you, but I can't.

It's not worth the aggravation. He got me gigs, but they were never good gigs. I mean, this guy got me a gig one time on a bus. And I went. I would do a bus. I did it for the small. It was 75 bucks. That's a lot.

75 bucks. I had to be there 7 in the morning and go back and forth to New York like two or three times. Oh, shit. Okay, I thought it was in one spot. No. Must I tell you the results? They're doing comedy on the bus when you're stuck in traffic. They're shooting that suicide smoke when you're going to the tunnel.

People are fucking breathing heavy. You're up there. Listen, I just came back from Nebraska. Listen, that's the last thing they want to hear. They're headed to the Disney fucking mall to jump up and down with the other fucking momos. Who goes to New York? Yeah, we're going to go to Disney. What the fuck Disney?

You go to New York to finger and tranny. You go to New York to have some fun. You know what I'm saying? Knock it off. Oh, my God. And you had to do it three times? Where? The bus. Let me ask you something.

Does it fucking matter? I don't know. times. We were out of there like by 1 o'clock. And then they said you're going to get paid afterward and there was a bite of way to that and then fucking we never got an envelope

from that. I forget that it's not I forget that it was a female comic who put the gig together and this book of fucking got it all done and we never got a dime from it. So what are you going to do?

Those are you learn from comedy. But you know what? Nah, it's not worth the aggravation. You do better doing other things. Gray, you want to come to say hello to people out there in Podcastville? She doesn't give a Frenchman's fuck. No. But she's been tremendous like the front.

I didn't sleep down here on Friday night, guys. I don't like sleeping on a fucking recliner. No, it sucks. Those edibles. I did a couple bongates. I did the fucking pain medication they gave me. I sat on this couch and within like 10 minutes I had to put my fucking whoop thing to tell him I'm going to school. I got up like a four to pee.

I pee in my little bottle. I hide it behind the bung. And then I fucking get up like at seven. And I pee again. And like I said, since fucking Friday morning, let me see. No, since Friday night is when I started sleeping down here. Since fucking Saturday. I've been down here, guys.

watching old shit on fucking Hulu, reading stuff in the computer, you know, trying to learn about the ankle, how I can help recover it. I'm fucking hitting it with a fucking massage gun. I put it in absent salt. My wife's been great, you know, so it's going to be a, I thought, you know, I thought I'd be tip-top

Magoo by tomorrow. I'd be doing ballet. It doesn't look that way, guys. So I'm fucking rock for a few days. Is that what they say? They just need rest and, like, rehab? Is that all you need? Is it?

They'll decide in two weeks if I have to go for a physical therapy. So I'm sorry about the tour. I had to cancel. Ivana Nights and Mamba. I was doing my little Mambo presentation next year. I heard about that. You heard you were going to be the opening comedian. Oh, that are.

You got to wear a tuxedo. I was in a surprise young Christmas with a chequey-pooh, a contract. and we were going to start the tour February fucking night. I forget what the last Friday in February. We're going to go to two towns every weekend for eight weeks. I was going to bring a DJ with me, TJ English, and you would be the opening MC with a tuxedo. We'd have to give you a couple of words to say in English, in Spanish.

By that time, we don't know where the war is going to be, so you have to lose the beards, so you could travel with us under the fucking alias. He's not Jewish. he's Cuban. You know what I'm saying? Let me passaposa, please. And we'll get you a little passport,

Jose Mendez or something. I'll sing in LA, that park. What's that park by fucking Langers? Not Griffith. It's a dangerous one. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Across the street. You ask for a dude named fucking Camacho,

Camacho, Blanco, Camacho. Something with a sea. And you got everything. Brand new fucking, he gives you everything, a prescription for you. new glasses. He's got everything. One-stop shopping.

I think it's $1,500. For $2,000, he gives you a lottery ticket for a $1,000 Mexican lottery and shit. If he win, he went like $800,000. He takes 10%. You walk out of it with $720,000. And you're all doomed up. Who's better than you on a fucking Sunday?

I love it. So I have to change my idea. is what you're saying? Yeah. Just in case people get danged. Why are they going to get dange? Huh?

Why are things going to get dange? Listen. Right now, with things are going on, you don't know what direction where the coin's going to land there. And it could happen whenever. So just pray

and keep your thoughts pure. And that's it, Coxucker. Take care of yourself and make sure you do your spots and know how many sets you did every week. and what your goal is every fucking month. That's the most important thing.

You know, when you're doing eight sets a week, six sets a week, I can't have you sweating one set. One of the biggest paying, right now this is happening to you. Great, come over here and say hello to the people on television land. What do you think of Zambul? You know, when you were telling me the story, I thought about going like in 99. in 2000, going to Houston for the weekend.

Somebody would fall out and Pete would put me in there or Mark Babbitt. And it was shit money, but they put me in a hotel. They take me to dinner a couple times. I bought some blow when I was there. It was a nice little weekend, you know? And guess what? You kicked ass all five fucking shows. You didn't sell out.

You sold out one show on Saturday. And those days, you know, even if you were, canceled, you could sell out the Saturday night there. It was a comedy town. It was a comedy fucking place. And here you are, kicking ass. Thursday night, two shows Friday, two

Saturday, but you got something on Monday, so you leave Sunday and you go to the Comedy Store poppet. You just had five great sets in Houston. The same fucking material. You take your 30-minute set that was on

fire or your 45-minute set and you cut it down to 19. I know, Mitchie gives you 20 minutes. You want to cut it to 18 just to see how the weekends and then you could start writing something else. So this is going to be your best set of the week.

They bring you up. This guy is great. He just did this. Coming to the stage, Lisa, I had. You're pumped from the five fucking shows you just did in Houston, Texas. You go on the original room and not one of your jokes were. Think how you

feel that. This is going to happen forever. Feel awful. It doesn't make any sense. It makes a ton of sense. We set out the urge, the, we send out the urge.

We send out the energy of, you know what I'm saying? Like, I just came back and killed in fucking Tallahassee. This is a bum club in fucking Worcester. and obviously you're sending out that message and you don't even know it.

You don't even know it. It's just an energy that you had. You just destroyed a weekend. You just got a standing ovation on Friday night. And here you are Saturday with the same material. And that's when I started analyzing clothes. Maybe I snorted Coke on Friday night. My energy.

Yeah, that's when you're, because you're going to keep, listen, I always bombed on Saturday night when I, first on that line. And at that time, people would say to me, don't worry about it. It happens for everybody. And I started believing that until one day I said, you know what? I'm not everybody. That mentality's got to stop. Oh, you're going to eat it on Friday nights. It's all college students and they don't laugh. That mentality has to stop. So I started booking those rooms on purpose just to overcome that shit. Oh, fucking, you know, This big name came here on a Thursday and ate a bag of dicks.

He was having a bad night that night. I don't give a fuck about this. This is a whole new night with a whole new fucking set of rules. And you go up there with that attitude. But when you're young, listen, I was doing comedy 10 years and I was fucking, I had hair on my balls. I wasn't young. But comedy-wise, I was in it for 10 years. I remember three times.

I remember vividly times. just came back on the road from Joe Rogan working at a fucking Cobbs sellout, added shows. Not even Cobbs. I don't want to say cops because I used to die in there too. I don't know. I don't know what about. I just came back

with Rogan from somewhere. And now I go to the comedy store and I'm like, fuck, this is going to be easy tonight. And you die. And you get off the stage and you buy two bags of Coke. And you try to figure out what happened.

Yeah, the insider wants to say it's the audience. But at the end, the one thing about this podcast, I stress with you, and I stress with young comics that are getting into this, is to, we kind of blame ourselves. I don't want you to blame the air conditioner. I don't want you to blame the Boston Celtic game was on until 10.30, and then they wanted to keep it on with the pool tables. That happens everywhere, guys.

And if you start making excuses now, you're going to get tangled up in them. Go up there and do your best. Make sure you're right to set down. Make sure you write down what you did and be honest at yourself at night. Did you really fucking kill or did you really fucking bomb? Don't tell me every night if I check your notebook that you're killed. I want to see that. You know what?

My first four minutes were good. Then something happened. I'll view the tape and get back to you. And then I'm going to see a different pen writing in there with different handwriting. You know why I want to see that? Because I didn't do that, and I wish I would have. I went back and listened to your set and commented. Yeah.

I fucking hate looking at myself. The last thing I want to do, oh my God, you're looking Chinese, and you're looking like Mr. Fuji. I got to end my best. Well, no, no. Those edibles are backfiring. They are, but we both for a couple we were talking about.

You were talking about you had a tour to come back. Did you stand up? You what? You said you, were you fucking around or was that real? What? You said you had to, we were going to go do stand-up again. Lee, have you lost your money? Go bang against the wall.

We were you ten times. We weren't going all the way. That was a fake commercial. I don't know. I felt bad. We both forgot what we were talking about. I thought you were announcing you were coming back. No, no, no.

We're talking about fucking doing spots and eating a bag of dick and trying to figure out the, blame and knowing that you have percentages going against you knowing that listen i hate sunday nights so what did i do i thought it going on on sunday nights locally i'm not staying in your fucking town for a sunday but if i'm not going to do a spot in your fucking town i'm definitely going back to l.a to a spot that was my person cool to see if everything worked everything balanced itself out And you know what? I got better as time went on.

So don't judge your career on one fucking set. Don't say to yourself. I was doing great till then. Listen, you're going to have these every fucking week. It's like me. Two weeks ago, I had pneumonia. Now I fucking fell and pulled my ligaments. Who explains this shit, Joey?

Not even looking to fucking, you know, I get you. You think I want to be sitting on a fucking chair for three days? But this is what happens, my brother. So where you before? I know, I'm going to feel good. Don't worry about nothing. I actually have about, since we only talk about the upcoming week,

I don't have any upcoming shows a little over a week. For this coming week, you have just open mics. Just open mics this week. That's a show in my world. I know you're not opening up for Rodney Thursday night and Shadham. You know, I know this. But in our world right now, for where we're trying to do here, Where are your spots at this week?

They'll be at Ralph's in Worcester on Tuesday. And then Wednesday night, I'll probably be at Ricks and Woonsocket and the Black Zone in Worcester. Thursday, there's the hotel partner in Worcester. I'm very proud of you, brother. You're working it. I'm watching you. You know, we're like a management team here. We're trying to help each other.

so it's great to see you doing this, Lee. It really is. It inspires the hell out of me. Not to do a mumbo tour with you, but just to see you fucking do your thing. You believe, gentlemen, he believed I was going to do a mumbo. Like at the point that he goes,

what instrument are you playing? Are you dancing? Like, how you have to do the tour if your legs not heel? He just sat there like Johnny Cheney looking at me. I swear to God, for a couple of minutes there, you look like fucking the dude from Karate Kid

the first one. I swear to God, I was hallucinated. I don't know what happened. But anyway, thank you very much, Lee. I'll see you next Tuesday, next same bad time, same bad channel. And that's it. Now, for a word from my motherfucking sponsors.

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