The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Episode #12 - I hear violins...

Episode Date: November 21, 2023

Happy Thanksgiving, from The Check In. This week we get an update on Joey's health situation, Joey's thoughts on Golden Corral, Lee falling asleep at a 50 Cent concert, Joey's plans for his next book, and more!   Support the show & get 20% off & free shipping at ⁠https://www.manscaped.com⁠ when you use the code JOEY Support the show & head to ⁠https://www.thefreezepipe.com⁠ to shop their Black Friday & Cyber Monday sales, or press in code DIAZ for 10% off your entire order. Support the show & download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & use code JOEY. New customers can bet just 5 bucks on the NFL action & score $150 instantly in bonus bets. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at ⁠https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ⁠ & get on your way to being your best self

What's going on, Tarzan? What's up, buddy? How are you, my friend? You know what? I think it's something about you. I was like, these edibles might have been not good, but then they just started kicking in, like literally as soon as your face popped up. That's right. That's right.

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What up, Mook? What up, buddy? I'm doing good. I'm really happy to see you. I bet you are, cuck, cuck, sucker. Yeah, I'm back to this. What's up? buddy everything good over there everything's really good man i had a good week i didn't really it was a slow week but it was i tried to i tried to take i didn't try to i took some some mushrooms

and nothing happened i've never had that happen before you're fucking tolerance you're blowing up like you thought i would call the crip same number same hood it's all good well it was they were very nice but like tuesday what tuesday what's tomorrow's what today's day the 20th Are you fucking kidding me? November the 21st. Are you fucking kidding me? And I did call the guy kidnapped on Saturday on the anniversary,

but he didn't answer. He didn't return. Nah, he moved to Kent Bella moved to fucking New Mexico. He left Arizona. He was in Tucson. And then he went to New Mexico after his mother passed. I was going to say he lived

with his mom for a bit, right? He was living with his mom since I kidnapped him. What are you talking about? He's been down in Arizona for like 20 fucking years. And when did he stop answering your call? No, he always, we always talked. Before he went to New Mexico, we had a long conversation about moving and, you know. But he had to switch jobs.

I think he sells like solar panels or something to do with that. He had to switch offices. So, yeah, we just spoke about generalities. but I always call him on the anniversary just because I'm that type of fucking you know Hallmark hasn't made a happy kidnapping anniversary card yet

you know I'm sorry I got a sentence I reach out to him and I talk to him but he didn't call me back I left a message for him told him I was thinking about him loved him you know do you guys joke about it do you say you're sorry what do you say

every once in a while he'll make a fucking remark you know when you come to New York you have to go for the restaurant he'll go. Last time I went somewhere with you, I ended up handcuffed. You know, he always makes little sly fucking remarks.

You're not going to let that go. He had a rough day that day, so I, you know. That's okay. How do you feel about it as it comes up to the date? Do you start dreading it or does it like pop up on you? No, it pops up on me. It'll pop up on me like

November 16th. And then I go November 16th. Oh, shit. on the 18th as the anniversary of Vela. You know, so it is what it is. It was a long time ago, dirty fucking six years ago, guy. Nobody remembers. And guess what?

Nobody gives a fuck either. So I give a fuck because I did it. I've always tried to make peace with this fucking lunatic. And now we're good. We're really good. I'm really happy how that's going. You know, I fucked up. I apologize.

And it's funny, I saw somebody the other day who I need to apologize to. Somebody who I was with ever since I moved here, and then things got a little weird one night, and I said something, and she said something. So I saw the other day, and I go, I got to apologize to her. I love apologizing the people. You do apologize. Yeah, you got to apologize to people.

They deserve that. Some people like, fuck you, some people, like, I get it. I get where you're coming from, you know. So, you know, I'm the type of guy when I got to drop an apology. I think about it for a few days. I mean, listen, nobody ever wants to apologize. Right? It's one of the toughest things you'll ever do.

And I fucking hate it as a kid. And as I got older, I'm like, you know, it's one of those things that people deserve it. Whether they believe it or not. They'll be mad at you for a month. And they go, you know, at least the dude tried. He apologized. He sent flowers. He sent my kid a fucking flute.

Whatever the fuck, you know. But it's big to apologize. It just takes it off your soul, you know? Even if it's like you made three years ago or something, that that person probably doesn't even remember. You know, you made a comment in a green room one night about a joke or something stupid. You were having a bad night. You know.

and that's what it fucking is. Was it like you talking to Kent that made you start apologizing? Like when did you start apologizing? To Kent? To anybody. He just said like, has it always been big for you? Uh, I think when I was in my 30s, I started saying, you know, hey, what the fuck?

You know, we're not perfect. You're going to make mistakes. You know, sometimes people make, honest mistakes they weren't thinking at the time you know I've been there I know what it's like to have shit on your mind and you're like

whatever you know but who gives a fuck about apologizing we're talking about doing things so we need to apologize every once in a while you're going to put a firecrack up somebody's ass or something you know absolutely

so yeah I uh what like I thought of you this weekend because I did remember when I went to go see badder Santa and you yelled at me yes I pulled I made a mistake my girlfriend and her friends wanted to go to a like this city put together like a winter wonderland sort of thing right food trucks and all that shit and we got there we drove an hour and everyone was excited and there's a 40 minute line to get in but then we all we could have gone in because I went up to the security guard just to

I didn't think this would happen. But he was like, for $30, I'll let all of you guys in right now. Like, oh, shit, there's still, like, that guy, because we almost paid. We just ended up going to get dinner instead, thank God. But it was, like, I thought of you, like, this security guard just charging. And I would have done it, six bucks a person. Did you do it?

No, we didn't do it. We went just went to dinner instead because it was freezing. I just thought about me telling you that I went to, like, a Wonder Wonderland. When I called John Ford, I could tell you up to something. stupid. As you were stuttering, you weren't eye. I could always tell when you're up to something stupid. You know, like, yeah, yeah, right.

First of all, the phone rang like eight times. So you got to compose yourself to pick up the phone. After about a minute on the phone, we got, listen, dog, it's Saturday night. What's going on with the training we're doing here? We're always in training. You know what I'm saying? Anytime when I'm in training.

I do. But then I fall asleep at 50 cent concerts. I do, that's perfect. That's perfect. I go to a 50 cent concert. I just want to fall asleep myself, waking me up before you leave.

You went to a 50 cent concert and fell asleep. Again, you know, just tap out. Just say it ain't happening. I'm not going to. What? No, I fell asleep because I was in training. Well, you were too much training. And obviously, the music wasn't getting to you.

Because if you were jumping up and down with the brother, you would have been I would have been peaking on everybody I was I got fucking chicken fingers I was so high that's the only thing I did at the whole concert I just walked at 50 cent concert

Yeah You got chicken fingers at a 50 cent concert I wasn't the only one But they had like I saw someone else Don't blame it I'm blaming them but I was really high Sometimes you just need Everybody else jumped off the building

So I just thought off the building like a MOOC that I am. You know, all of a sudden you want to be Hamas and fucking fly the fuck is wrong with you. You go to a 50-cent concert. That's like, you know, I don't know.

That's like Jesus type mistake. And then from there, you get fucking chicken. You know. What's a Jesus mistake? You should have stayed home Thursday night. Yeah. He should have taken a lot off. But he's like, no, I got to go out.

I got to face these people. If you would have stayed home, it would have been a different world right now. We would have all been wearing cotton shorts floating around, you know. There would have been no Adam. There wouldn't have been no Eve, whatever the fuck.

I think Adam and Eve were before Jesus. The what? I think Adam and Eve were before Jesus, were they not? Listen, I don't know. The chicken come before the egg. I don't know. I thought Jesus created everything. I thought when Jesus came,

it was like 40 people on the earth. shit. 22 Jews and 8 fucking gypsies, you know, and 3 Gentiles. I think so. I think that's what it was. But like, I think that, because there's before Christ and after God, I don't know.

I'm really. Yeah, whenever you watch like a Jesus movie. Right. Because the producers are like, listen, this ain't going to work, you know, unless we get to, you know, the Jesus story is told over and over. So you can't really add to it. That's why when Mel Gibson

kicked the fuck out of the dude and threw them out of window. That got some reviews, you know, like that. That's what they need. They need to see something. Jesus getting stabbed, punch, whatever. But any of you fucking Jesus thing you watch, which I enjoy those things from time to time,

it's always like a small array of extras because the producers know, this is a bomb. Why are we going to just ship them around? You know what I'm saying? Like, move the fucking calf over there. Move the fucking herder over there. Geez, I remember when that Mel Gibson movie came out. Sure.

Because they were like, he's going to say that the Jews killed Jesus and there's going to be problems. Like they were worried about it. Did he say it? I have no. I never saw that movie, to be honest with you. It's disturbing, but you got to take a chance. Columbus did cuck sucker. I can't do that.

Doesn't he get like fucking like beat up, beat up in that movie? Like they don't hold back. Beat up in real life. They fucking, you know. They threw them off a cliff, they kicked them. This is before the Israelis had missiles. They just had those fucking heavy boots with the points like Puerto Ricans do now. And they kicked in the ribs and shit like that.

Anyway, let me tell you something. Anyway. I don't want to wish the week I had last week on anybody. That was fucking brutal, guys. I don't even know how I did that podcast with you guys last week. I must have just kept it together for an hour and a half.

Yeah, because you didn't seem like you were struggling. No, because I had like 22 elements. I had some fucking silly willy milk chocolate. It's time cock suckers. I don't know if I should do this or the cookie. Because these are four grams,

but the cookies are three grams. So if I got to eat six grams tonight, who, Lorde. Jesus. So you already had some? I already had a cookie. I got nothing tomorrow. I did everything I had to do today. Perfect. It wasn't much. You know, emails, I do some videos, shit like that.

Wednesday, I got some dentist. And then it's thanks fucking giving, guys. Happy Thanksgiving to all the people check in on Tuesdays with us. It's been a fucking great couple months. And we're going to keep the train going. I'm just excited that I'm doing something. I'm excited that I get to see my buddy. And I'm thankful.

I'm thankful for fucking all you guys. Fucking Lysayat the Flying Jew. And, you know, the whole fucking thing. We've got to hide them from the Palestinians now. People boycott in the podcast and shit. But it gives a fuck, Chuck. We do our thing. No idea.

We were so big in Palestine. No, we're big everywhere. Like last week, I don't even know. Like I must have finished here with you guys. First off, I slept downstairs for five fucking nights in a reclining chair. Listen, okay, I've slept in a prison cell, you know, there's things that are the worse. But not when you're fucked 60 years old. You're in a recliner, and then I would do edibles at night, mushrooms, and I had those edible chocolate bars.

I had a bunch of shit going on last week. So it took help me deal with the fucking pain and their swelling and shit. but I would get so high at night that I'd turn the light off and I'd recline the chair right with my feet up and then I'd wait on the middle of night to pee

but I'd be like holy shit the power went on the roller coaster like I thought it was that I thought I was on a roller coaster and the fucking chair was just hanging the top one up in the sky so I would sit there for like five minutes going

how the fuck am I going to get down from here that happened to me like two nights in a row I'm like, I'm so high. I'm on a fucking roller coaster. And finally I'm like, Joey, turn the light on. I turned the light on. There I was. I lowered the thing. I took a bottle. I had a pee in a fucking bottle for five guys.

Do you just were in the chair the whole time? So what? You just in the chair all day? I was in the chair the whole day. What saved me was that I had some codeine with Tylenol. And I was eating those, but I didn't eat the pro. Well, let's get to that. So I didn't go to the bathroom for like four days.

I wasn't eating much because the pain was giving me nausea. So I thought it was because I wasn't eating much. And I go, holy shit. I was taking those codeine. And my brother came by and dropped two fucking oxies on me. So I didn't have legitimate pain pills. I had like a week of like a Puerto Rican week. Like I had Tylenol, L.E., then I had an oxy.

Then fucking my neighbor gave me two percocets. And then I was like, I'm done with that shit. Once I started feeling them kicking into my psyche, I go, that's it. I'll deal with the pain the rest of the fucking time. But I was peeing in a bottle. And then one night I got so high and my wife left me downstairs with just like three bottles of water. And I'm fucking starving at like 12 o'clock. So there was a jar.

And I thought it was vitamin C, these gummies. And I go in there. And I'm eating these things like, they're fucking yum yum. And the next thing you fucking know, I turn them around. They're probiotics. So I ate three fingers of probiotics. There was like maybe eight gummies left on the bottom. I ate the whole fucking thing.

I went to sleep. You woke me up? I thought it was going on my block. The whole fucking revolving chair was shaking. I had to get up. And then I started shitting all day. So with the bad angle, I had a shit all fucking day. I put my pants down, get on the toilet.

one leg like a fucking pelican like an ostrich whatever you call those animals a crane i don't fucking know it was guys it was rough saturday sunday and monday i took puerto rican showers with the bucket and the sponge and shit like that which that don't do nothing you know i mean it takes the armpit it takes the nut sweat away you clean your hat but the asshole was clean as a whistle nothing was going in or out of that you know what i'm saying so i had no fuck But man, all day, Tuesday, I shit. Tuesday and Wednesday. Probiotics clean me out.

I had to go to the bathroom every eight minutes on the bum fucking legs. So that was fortunate. How many are you supposed to have a day of that, do you know? Like two of them, right? Like 38th. Yeah. You know me?

I'm fucking half-a-ta-taught. You know how we do it. What felt worse at the foot or doing that? Because that might, like, shitting all day. That's not good. dog, I fucking Wednesday I got up and finally I got in a call with my wife and I went to acupuncture

and she fucking stuck a bunch of needles in me and my ears, my other knee and then she wrapped my leg and she said, don't change it until tomorrow. She wrapped it so tight that it pushed all the fucking fluid out of the leg. And then I was okay Thursday, Friday. Saturday I was walking around a little more.

I was showering those days. you know, I could stand in the shower and shit. No pain pills, no nothing. I miss my friends wake, you know, Erica Florentine. I missed her sister's wedding, which I'm going to congratulate Leah and her husband. They got married on Friday. I missed that, but what I really missed was Bonehead's brothers. Wife died two weeks ago, Jody.

And I was supposed to go to that on Saturday, and I couldn't do that on Saturday because I couldn't drive. I couldn't drive 10 minutes, never mind an hour. Sunday, I just drove up and down the block to my neighborhood. And then today, I didn't get on the nine yet. I will not get on the nine yet. I just drove around these other, you know, 45 mile an hour streets. Just until I get the fucking leg, the hook, the hoof fucking going. You know what I'm saying?

Because you heard it right where like you move it to move the pedal. Yeah, I hurt the fucking right ankle. So, you know, hey man, I did everything I had to do. I rubbed the pain cream on it. I did therapeutic massages. My wife, I put ice on it three or four times a day. I put an Epson salt. I fucking rubbed it with a gun to break up all the fascia and stuff.

So like I said, today was my first day. I went back to the gym. I didn't do a lot of leg stuff, but he put me through the fucking ringer as usual. So let's see what happens. Tomorrow I'll take the day off, maybe ride the stationary bike to get the metabolism going again, and then fucking do our thing. I did get a writer for the TV show for the book,

so I'm very excited about that. At least now I got something to do. You know, I was really concerned about 2024. In my world and in a lot of people's world right now, you should be looking forward to 2024. Like right now, come on, After Thursday, it's Jingle Bells from most fucking people and who's not going to their grandmothers for Christmas

and who's got to go Christmas shopping. So it's very tough to do business with focus fucking people. You're not going to meet a lot of people that are focused. So in your mind right now as a young comic or whatever, you're done, you're already booked for the year. If you're going to do New Year's, you know by now. If you're going to open, you know by now. I'm not saying that there's not a lot of late gigs that open up.

there'll be a ton of late gigs that open up people try to do chinese restaurant fucking uh christmas day you know christmas eve whatever the fuck it is but right now i want you to live in the moment but i also want you to start looking at 2024 and that's why last week was a silver lining because i couldn't do it i knew i couldn't do anything so i started outlining the book

i knew i couldn't do anything so i got on the horn with my agent and we interviewed a couple of writers. I talked to a few writers, and I finally picked one. And at least I made fucking nothing into something, and at least I'm going to do something in 2024. I got a lined up. I spoke to Erica today.

I want to wish her a happy birthday. We're going to start putting the comedy book together in January. So, you know, think of a year after that until it comes out. And writing with this, young TV writer getting some ideas. Hopefully we'll get a show runner soon. And the podcast. So at least I'll have

something going on. You know, follow me something that I'm working towards. So, 2024 is complete for me. I'm always going to be a fucking dad. 2024, 2028. So

that's without going. So at least I got my year planned out. It's kind of cool because I don't know if you remember this, but you probably do. Like, you would, like, as you were, we were, like, leaving L.A., you kept saying, like, I'd love to be able to, like, to write. Like, you talked about writing a lot, and you've always enjoyed it,

and he kind of took a break from it. Like, you were always writing with a book, but, like, you didn't do blogs. And now, like, you're writing two things. Well, I'm not writing two things. I'm helping that. I mean, I know you're not, like, the one typing it down, but it's your story. Yeah, well, you know, I just try to,

to outline it the best you can. I'm trying to outline it the needs of young comics. I'm trying to think of what my needs were as a young comic, but that was also in 1990. So a lot has changed. The internet has entered.

So I have to cover that also in this book, which I'm new to also. So this is where I'm finding a problem. But the basics will always be the same. The basics always be the same. you, I mean, you, you know so much about stuff that will always be the same, like you said. And the new stuff, like, you know, I know you're not like super technical, but like, I feel like you are one of the better comedians on the internet.

I think you can give at least from your person. I'm not thinking it's going to work for everybody, but you have a system, I think. Listen, you all, you, the first seven, the six years, you don't have a system. system. You're experimenting as a young comic. You're just experimenting. You know, do I do this? And we spoke about this before, whether it's wardrobe, whether it's, you're just always experimenting. And then you find the rhythm. You know what? I didn't really like writing in the daytime anyway. I did a lot better when I wrote at night when I came home from doing my set when I was doing coke, you know, as I was getting high. And then you could see where I started getting higher and higher. It became jibble.

You know, like, but the first three lines, six lines were there. The basics are always going to be the same. But now as an open micer, there's different ways to attack things. You know, now you've got to go on Instagram and they put the schedules up. And, you know, I don't know about this so far. This is why I was telling you about open mics that I got to start going to them to see how this is going down right now. Well, I mean, I also think, though, it's like, kind of there's a difference. Like, I, like, I met, like, I did open mics in Jersey when I was there with you.

I've done them all over. I think there's, like, a difference between people who just want to, like, not skip the line, but get famous pretty quick. And I think there's people who take comedy seriously. And I think, like, the stuff the book is, like, the most important stuff is for the people who are taking it. I mean, I think, don't you think? Like, it's like that your advice is going to talk to them. We have a mainstream problem that everybody wants to be famous. They don't know what comes along with it.

They don't know what to do to get there. But they just woke up on day and decided they wanted to be famous. Now, when I got into stand-up, I didn't want to be famous. I just wanted to be a good stand-up. So those are the differences of how you have to look at things. the first chapter, this book is going to cover why. Why stand-up? Are you looking?

Because I just want you to know what you're getting yourself into. You know, everybody sees Rogan and Dave Chappelle hanging out with stars and rappers, and you see fucking Seguro with Jason Momoa and you sit there at home and your fucking little basement apartment like I did hoping that someday that would be me, you know? that's going to be me someday.

I'm going to have bitches and a boat. You know, this gibberish that young men talk about. And you don't even think about why you're doing it. It took me three years to realize why I did all that work. I didn't really want to be a comic. I wanted to be a man. And that was the easiest way for me to become a man. Did I know that when I started this?

No. because if I told you I wanted to be a famous comic, I'd still be on the stage right now, going head to head with these guys, starting to get into arenas right now. That would have been my life's work. But after I started staying home, and I always told people, listen,

it's tough to put your sneakers on. If you can't do a set for free, forget about getting paid for it. And this is what was bothering me about my last three or four years in comedy. It wasn't like something I enjoyed. I could come up with material like anybody. I wasn't a traditional writer.

You know, when I started dipping into myself and telling stories and comparing them to life today, that's when things started to click. But by that time, I was like, okay, I got the answer. I got a kid now. You know, I want to be home. I want to be around for that kid. Now that, you know, as a comic,

if Mercy's 10 right now, I'd see Mercy four weekends. I don't want to do that. So somewhere along the line, I realized, I didn't want to be famous. You know, I hate all that shit. I hate premieres and Hall of Fame banquets. You know, I didn't go to David Chase's Hall of Fame thing.

I hate all that stuff, guys. I just wanted to be a man. I just thought comedy would be the easiest way. Did I write that down in that gold notebook, the first three or four or five? No, I didn't. That's why I'm in the men. mess I'm in right now. When are you getting back on stage? I'm not because I don't need to get

on stage anymore. The job was done. So we all have a purpose and I want you to hit that purpose before you waste your time on this. If you want to be famous, you're 15 years away. And trust me, in my mind, I know you look at that number and go, I'll become a piano player. Well, go do that. or I'll become a model or I'll become a professional party person go do that if you do strike fame is that it's going to be fame for two months

this type of success where you put the work in and pay attention this goes forever I can make a comeback tomorrow if I want to you know get an hour's worth of material because I did the work I know how it's done pretty plain and fucking simple And then we're going to build on that from there.

You know, I don't want to look at Kevin Hart and Chappelle and, you know, Shane Gillis. You know, the big comics are today, Whitney Cummings, the Elizers, and go, I want that life. You know, I'm going to do this. You're doing it for the wrong reasons. I don't know. I did it to get high, to disappear, to get a P.O. box. You know, I did it for those reasons. who I, you know, when you hear those stories,

the motherfucker had a page until 2003. You know, I didn't even want to get rid of it at that point. No, I didn't get into comedy for that reason. To be at VIP rooms, taking pictures. I like the store. I was supposed to be there. You know what I'm saying?

It's not like I wasn't supposed to be there. I would have two spots a night there. So I was supposed to be there. So it felt good. I see pictures from the store, that's not too bad. It's not like I'm jumping up and down, but you never saw me pictures from events or nothing like that. I strayed from those things.

I don't want to, you know. So I always had the, I was always on the right road for myself. If you want bitches, let me know. I'm not going to be mad at you. If you pull me aside and go, I listen, I want to go on the road to get my dick suck seven nights a week. Okay.

at least you know why you're doing it. But remember, one night when your right nut falls off, you can't do fucking comedy no more. That's all, and I don't give a fuck what you get into. But get into it for the right reasons, not because, you know, that's the hip job right now. I think there's probably a lot of people who started stand-up after the podcast started.

Like since Rogan started, I would guess like there's way more stand-ups. There's an explosion in this country. There's an explosion of stand-up and entertainment. And I love it. I love it. I just want them to know what they're getting themselves into. You know, last week, I think I made a statement to you

with somebody that I can't wait until somebody makes a remark after the strike. And today I fall, the first one. There was some woman saying, the strike's been over for two weeks, and I still haven't had an audition. Well, what did you think was going to happen? The sky was just going to open up with fucking scripts and auditions.

We're going back to where we started from. You got to remember, there's a war going on. There's two wars, and there's no tax breaks. And everything is expensive as fuck now. You know, what do you think? These people, look how many shows they got rid of. Did they cancel a lot of shows? Don't ask me which one specifically.

These are things I just heard. they just and they and what were they getting a lot of auditions before the strike no they were just like me they were bum then and they were bum now you did not hear me say to you the last two weeks i'm sitting here waiting by the phone for an audition i knew life is going to be just the way it was before the fucking audition so did the strike do anything with that brother did the strike accomplish anything no i didn't get the details you know what i'm saying they don't send me the memo. I know I got some from them today. I got a bill last week and I got my new membership card. Nice. Big fucking deal. I still can't get over the fact that how many of those

probiotics you ate. Is that what you're seeing more probiotics? What's that brother? What was that? A fucking silly mushroom, bitch. Oh shit. What's that I'm called? Telegraph. I guess so. Is there an app called telegraph? Telegram. Make up your fucking mind. Telegram, telegraph. I'm sure there's apps called both. I don't know which one you're talking about.

Is it like a texting app? Yes. Okay. I can find out, but then I got to get up and burn calories and slip on the fucking carpet. Will you go to telegram or telegraph? I think it's telegram. Yeah.

Yeah, it's telegram. telegram and you look up fucking fun factory farms and you can order some mushroom they'll deliver them just put the thing yeah remember I told you a couple weeks ago

you just put the thing Uncle Joey Savage and you get 10% off not bad you don't know the holiday season's coming and I got to tell you something I'm fucking excited I am very excited Thanksgiving

I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to come back. I'm going to smoke some dope and I'm going to cross the street. I'm going to fucking eat over there. And then I'm going to close out the night around the corner. At my other friend's house, right in the neighborhood. I don't even have to take my car off the street all fucking day. And then I go to my in-laws for fucking Christmas.

Oh, shit. Okay. And I got to be honest. We're leaving, like, I don't know the 22nd to 23rd and coming back to 26 or something it's like 3 days, 4 days

because we got a bunch of shit going on so but I'm excited about that we're flying JSX JSX that's what it's called I've done that before no this is my first time I've heard a lot of good things about it let's see they better be on fucking time

that's all I give a fuck about if you watch a TV tonight I had to turn it on just to get the bad news. Not for me. Just to fucking verify what I've been telling people for 30 years. When it comes to the

holiday, I know your grandmother's got another year to live. But don't get on that Southwest flight. You know what I'm saying? Mind your fucking business. Okay? Everybody wants to run home during that, you know, it's going to be another record year travel. They couldn't handle it in

fucking July. They're going to fall apart. Listen, the fucking, again, I'm worried about the American. He gets up on Monday. He goes to work, and he takes a week vacation out of his kick. To leave on Tuesday, to leave early. He's probably going to have been three hours delayed. They're going to lose his wig.

They're going to lose mother's fucking box. Then you get there, you do your five days, and then you've got to come home. Now, remember, you're spreading out three days of travel. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Wednesday being the high day. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, with Wednesday being record fucking numbers. But today they were record numbers. So you, I hear violins, the mushroom.

So you got three days to pack out 150,000, 200,000 people, but now they're all coming home on Sunday. Right. What do you think's going to happen? Tears. Wait, wait till you get up Sunday on Twitter, on Twitter, they'll be on X,

whatever the fuck you call it. There'll be people complaining. Fuck United. Where's my luggage, American air? Alonzo Bowden will definitely be at war with American air. He's always at war with American air. You know, there's like eight comics. Where's my luggage?

I should have stayed in my hotel room. Fuck you, American air. Yeah, that's what you'll see because it's just mathematics. It took three days to fly out these animals. And now they're going to all come back in one fucking day. or at least 75% of them. Right. And even with all those people,

like what do you think about like, there's been like a lot of crazy shit happening on airplanes. Like they're going crazy. Fucking pack you in like sardines. They've cut your seat down. Your ass. Have you ever sat in the toilet too small for you? Oh, a lot.

You know what I'm saying? Like you think you're going to fall off the fucking planet, don't you? So I'll think of, you know, it's just, flying used to be a lot of fun. Now it's not fun. It's a fucking, you got to be prepared. You got to fucking take a Xanax.

You know, you don't know what's going to happen. They're going to take you out of your seat like the Chinese guy and then fucking beat you up on ABC nude. You know, it takes a lot, man. It takes a lot to fly. I don't have it anymore. I already put my fucking mileage in across this country 82 times. I'm done.

I don't need to go anywhere. I don't need to go see my... I love my uncle. 85 years old, we talk once a month. You know what? I ain't going there until maybe March. If something happens with the TV show, that's not fly back to L.A.

But I'm not going to L.A. to walk around and say hello to Mickey. Those days are fucking ended. Mickey could suck my dick back. You see that guy the other day that got chased to some shit. He went to his apartment, and two guys jumped over the wall, and he fucking threw his coffee at one guy,

and he pulled the gun out, and he had a license gun registered, the whole fucking deal, and the other guy went away, but I think he took two shots at him, and now they're revoking his license. This is America. Oh, yeah, like, what?

Yeah, now you fucking, you know, some guy jumps to war, you pull out your fucking real peace that you, you know, this kid's a nice white kid. He's not an animal like me. You know, this kid goes to church. You fucking wears a yarmac on Sundays, whatever the fuck he does.

He just both. I've heard of that story, but the way you were describing it, I didn't remember. That guy was, like, protecting his own house. Yes, yes. He was protecting his own house. And not even in the valley where we were.

He was down there with white people, drinking cappuccinos and lattes and walking dogs with a small and ugly, you know, and you got to make believe the dog is cute. Oh, my God. A fucking mouse on his leash. I love it. I love your picnities.

Yeah, I paid three grand for it. Well, really, I got a mouse. I dug out of the backyard that'll eat your fucking bikini, all right? Speaking of flying, did you ever... Which one? There's a movie where a dog fought a fucking rat. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It must be a Chinese movie.

Good. Speaking of, like, pets, like L.A. people and pets, did you ever fly with someone, like, with a dog or a cat in their lap next to you? Because I can't imagine. Not like that. Because I'll threaten. I stopped one lady one time and I go tell that dog not the shit on the plane

because if they shit on the plane then they got to lower the plane evacuate everybody and put you on a different plane. Did you know that? If a cat pisses or dog pisses they got to bring the plane down. Yeah, and I mean,

it happened with a human a couple months ago. I think it was Ralphie Bay was on a plane where dog went bananas and started shitting all over the aisles and shit and he was stuck for six hours somewhere he couldn't get home because the dog shit all over the place. Listen, if you're thinking of flying

during the fucking holidays, do yourself a favor and contact my friends over at BetterHelp. And here's a little advertisement for them. And remember, if you don't want to hear the voices, pay attention to this ad. Yo!

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Listen, the holiday blues are no joke. It seems like everybody except for you is enjoying the most wonderful time of the year. Listen to me. Speaking to somebody can help. Better yet, therapy can help. Better Helps online therapy makes it easy to get started.

Just take a quiz, a quick quiz, and BetterHelp team will match you with a licensed therapist. You can connect with them over the video chat, over the phone, or even by message. So it's convenient and totally suited for your schedule. Listen, it's the holidays, guys. Everybody feels at least a little something. They lost a grandmother, a dog got hit by a car.

It's always something. Listen, I've had issues. I went to better help, and here I am two years later, feeling like a doctor. As much as you might love chatting with your friends or a significant other, reaching out to a trained therapist

is a total game changer for your mental health. So do me a favor. Be a good friend to you. Take care of yourself this holiday season and for 2024. Find your bright spot this season with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Diaz, D-I-A-Z to get 10% off your first month. That's going to help you out a lot. Again, that's BetterHelp. BetterHelp, H-E-L-P-com slash Diaz. Myself, Lee, and BetterHelp, wish you a happy Thanksgiving. Now back to the this show. Hi.

That was a little better help. Whatever you want to do that we don't discuss here. Listen, if you're doing it, just go to better help. Don't straighten you out. Run it by the therapist. Listen, say, look, I got problems. I want to fly back to see my grandmother with one leg. Mind your business. Go back in April. It's 20% off the flights.

You get money off the rental car. You're going to go back there. It's not worth it anymore. It's not worth that suffering. And I fucking, you know, I just realized like I'm going to my in-laws for Christmas. I wish I would have done that when I lived in L.A. That was a mistake

we both made. Like what part of it? Not coming home for either or. Got it. Okay. Yeah, we never did. Like as much shit as I talk, I regret it now. Because those Christmases were fucking brutal. Those Thanksgiving were fucking brutal.

You know, those people, out there they don't know how to celebrate dick so you know every celebration unless Tom Segour is gonna be there or or Scott Van Fleet or something then it's not gonna really matter then I'm fucking happy I went to one Thanksgiving in LA like in 2002 it was the worst Thanksgiving I ever had in my life they stuck the fucking duck inside of turkey and then they made jail mashed potatoes I was like that's it never again you can't fucking make jail white people love those prison potatoes.

Listen, they're good when they're needed. Okay, but even if you make potatoes out of a box, do me a favor. Dope them up. Put some milk in that, motherfucker. Throw a stick of butter in it, give it some flavor. Make me die for a hot attack. But don't make water fucking potatoes, and then they're like, you know,

anyway, I'm sorry about that little bit. But didn't you have it? P-S-I-S-I-S. Sillies. Look him up on telegram, telegraph, whatever the fuck it is. And Uncle Joey Savage, capital letter UJS.

How's that for you? Tip, Tip McGoo. Anyway, what were you saying there, my little fucking marksman? I had, I had, um, what were you just talking?

I had something. I'm a little high. Anyway, what's the comedy plan for the week? It's Tuesday. So last, tonight, I, tonight I have, maybe mics. I think some mics are canceled because, like, it's going to be Halloween stuff. I'm Halloween, Thanksgiving stuff. Okay.

But then Saturday, I have a show in Cambridge. And Sunday, I have a show at the Comedy Connection in Providence. You know, things are really, like, there's nothing I got to put in the book. I remember moving to L.A. at 97. And from 97, till about 2003, I worked every Thanksgiving at a bar in Huntington Beach, maybe,

one of those beaches down there. You know how much they paid me? How much? $40. For how long? 25 minutes. That's pretty good. On Thanksgiving?

I don't even get paid most of the time now, so I guess probably not, when you're actually trying to make a living. When this is 1998, 99. I did it until you know that year where I was just talking about that Thanksgiving when they gave us to Duncan. That's the year.

I finally canceled on them. I'm not coming down. I called them like it's called a. I got car problems. You'll never work in Hollywood again. Go fuck yourself. He had a room down there. He had a room in that town by us, Ohio. But it was on a Sunday

a bunch of fucking Yahoo's. It was a town next to Ohio. And it was just a bunch of Yahoo's on Sunday night. Toothless people. People with banjos. Fucking, you know, so I didn't give a fuck. I canceled and that was it. But I always did the night before Thanksgiving.

And this is the first year. It's going to be like the, for like last year we did it. Yeah, we did parks. And then the year before that, I didn't. But every year before that, Lee, tell them about those drives, man. those drives to Irvine on Thanksgiving Eve

first of all the show would start at 8 we'd have to leave like at 4.30 and it would be bumper to bumper the whole way down there and we'd be smoking eating edibles yelling, beeping the horn

and everybody me you the Agostino whoever was working Steve Simone we'd all get in the car. Remember we went down there one year and we had Unami Burger and everybody got sick. I don't think I don't, I think I heard about

that, but I don't think I was, those were fucking crazy rides because yeah, you would get I used to bomb at Irvine every year. Every fucking, and then they started, I would sell so many tickets that they'd had shows. So I would go down there

for a double bomb, all those things Thanksgiving. I would go down there to a double bomb. They already knew I was coming down the night before Thanksgiving, just to sit there and stare at me. But I didn't give a fuck. For the amount they were paying me then, it was a big contrast to the $45 I was making for all those years. That's why I kept going down that. They were giving you top dollar on a Wednesday night. I'm like, dog, I can't pass this up to hang out with a bunch of Mormons talking about 30. I got to go pick up that fucking paper, like Biggie Smalls and fucking 95.

that's the only reason why I go down there because they go all out and pay me. They would never pay me, but they'd pay me to go down there. I was the only dumb enough person to go down there and take a beat on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. That's what my dignity was. I didn't even give a fuck. Just give my envelope.

I got shit to do. Why was it taking a beaten? Irvine never liked me. Irvine and me never really got along. Do you know what I'm saying? Am I wrong or did we? No, we didn't record the priest there. We did that at Ontario maybe.

Or Braia Brea. Braia was my, Braia was my favorite fucking improv in California. Then they opened up the one by a house, and we did that one after the holidays before New Year's. That's the one we had to carry your dad out. Ontario. That was Irvine or?

Oxnard. That was Oxnard? Oh, that was Oxnard. Oh, that was Oxnard. You're right. Foxnard where Kishi came with the tight bike pants on and your dad

fucking we had to carry him out like hysterical these guys I'm telling you Wednesday night before Thanksgiving to me is the best night of the year since I was a kid I would lose my mind that's why I just that's why I learned how to sell Coke

the Wednesday night so everybody came home from college that first year I felt like Matt Lowe and that movie that he did about the college people. I was like the bad egg. They would come home like, oh my God, we just did Rutgers.

Really will snort this shit. This will put you on a different planet. So I remember. It was funny that you learned it the night before Thanksgiving. Yeah, because everybody comes home from college. Everybody goes out. Everybody puts a new t-shirt on.

I think people get more dressed up the Wednesday before Thanksgiving than New Year's Eve. I make you I don't go home A moron How'd you do this weekend? Anything?

I did five spots last week All open mics Did you bet in the England? Anything happened for you last week? Yeah, yeah, I got a couple good ones Actually, I got really lucky on Draft Kings last night

because I I won a couple I put like 40 bucks and I got it to like 100 and then I lost a bunch and I just put the rest on the under for the Vikings Denver game. Denver game last night and it was 41 and a half

and fucking Denver scored, but they went for two and didn't get the two. So because of that, I was under by half a point. Wow. That was a, that's like why you bet the, because I was watching the whole time. I put one bed in this weekend.

Yeah. Houston. And they didn't cover. They won by five. They were given five and a half. And I fucked up because I don't have the football package. I watched it at Jimmy's house, but Jimmy went to Miami to see the dolphins play

Las Vegas. So I fucked up. I couldn't watch the game. I'll just go to Jimmy's and go upstairs and I would have watched the Texans. But I tell you what's been giving me money lately, Lee. What's that? Draft King's Casino. I love it because that's my favorite part of coming in the Jersey.

That wheel of fucking, that wheel fucking whatever or you'll a fortune dog but I don't play I play out hours like if I wake up

in the middle night with insomnia I'll hit that bong three or four times and I'll fucking just play dollars for fucking an hour and dog you always win

after like $69 $70 you start hitting and you get some of them yeah it's it's you have to spend some money and then hit take a little beating and then be patient because boom, you'll fucking catch it then.

But yeah, I didn't, nothing. I haven't really been basketball. I don't really know the teams. I thought the fucking Dallas would be good. They're getting beat up. The Clippers got this all-star team, which I knew wasn't going to work, but they've lost a bunch in a row.

Milwaukee's got an all-star team. They can't put it together. You know, it's just been, eh. so maybe I'm getting old who the fuck? The only one I watch is the Celtics and they've been doing pretty well Celtics always do well

I watch this if the Celtics are on TV especially against the Sixers because I got the Sixers here yeah those have been good games I get Boston no I get the Sixers I get Brooklyn

and I get the Knicks and I can't watch the Knicks of Brooklyn and I watch the Sixers all fucking day long my man Maxie's on the sixes. But Boston, I was just talking to one of the kids around the corner. He's Luke Florentine's friend. And we were talking about how Boston already played Philly twice in Philly this year.

Like the seasons are a month old. They've already played. I'm not going to see Boston this year unless I go to the Garden or the Brooklyn. They were good games. Yeah. crazy that they schedule them are so close to each other. I went to one of the Boston games last year. I always try to catch Boston every year.

I'm not telling you I'm a Boston fan, but if you're going to watch a game and get your money's worth, you might as well go see Boston. I hate that they traded away Maxwell Smart, the black dude with the pink hair and shit. You know, they're reasons, but I'm going to miss him. Marcus, Mark is smart. Marcus.

But anyway, here's the second break. I'm going to talk to you people about Draft King, Thursday, Thanksgiving, gobble, gobble, you got bowl games, you got basketball games, you got college basketball games. This is the time of the year.

Check me out with Draft Kings, Scott Suckner. Thanksgiving is the best. You get to eat like a pig, fart, scratch your balls, and maybe even win a buck or two. With Draft Kings, listen, new customers.

Sign up today. You can bet five bucks on NFL action and score 150, instantly in bonus bets. Go ahead and bet before you hit the Black Friday sales. No matter what your appetite, there's something for you this weekend. Money lines, parley's. Same game, parlays, prop, live bets, and so much more.

So do yourself a favor. Download the Draft King's Sportsbook app now and pressing code Joey, J-O-E-Y. New customers bet five bucks on the NFL Thanksgiving action. to score 150 instantly and bonus bets. Where are you going to get that? Draft Kings, an official sports betting partner of the NFL with Co. Joey. At Draft Kings, the crown is yours. But do me a favor.

You got a gambling problem called 1-800 gambler. In New York, call 8778, Hope New York, or text, Hope New York. If not, listen, it's happy Thanksgiving. your best and have a great time. Remember, this is all about fun, but starts by downloading the Draf King Sportsbook app now and pressing code Joey. Happy Thanksgiving. And now it's back to the show. We're back, bitches. What's up, Lee? What do you got going on next week? Well, this week, you got spots Wednesday. You got... Yeah, I got some, but I'm really excited. I'm featuring for Josh Wolf at the Kansas City Improv. Next week. At the end of that.

month the 30th through the second yeah they're good food they got a good kickbox in school over there my man from the UFC oh yeah box in school that's a fun fucking club Kansas city I've always loved Columbus there's just some clubs that are fun

three days yeah I've done days you know you're really going to be busy if you try Cleveland my boy Nick I love that fucking room we used to go over to the pastrami place on Fridays the hotel's got the chocolate bar

with the chocolate milkshakes and the chocolate martinis. Oh, Jesus Christ. At the hotel? At the hotel, the chocolate bar. I would come home all three nights and get a chocolate shake. Listen to me. Even the straw is fucking chocolate. Jesus Christ. It's one of those places.

Do you have a barbecue place in Kansas City? No, but it's everywhere. And the staff will tell you. If you were in Cleveland, right across the street from the club, 40 yards. There's a high-end fucking, or there was. There was a high-end fucking barbecue place.

The Brisket sandwich. Woo! Smoking, Jack! I love, I fucking, I can't wait. I love biscuit. But I've gotten to do, like, all the, not all, but yeah, I did, like, with you, I did the store. I did Cap City.

I did the Comedy Works. Cap City was fun. Cap City was a lot of fun. But you want to eat Chinese. Chinese food and Bobby Sharon wouldn't let you. I'm going to walk up to eat Chinese food. Now one person ever comes back from Austin. Better yet, Texas and says,

I went to Texas and had good Chinese food. It just don't happen. They killed Chinese people every two years. Like, what happened to that guy, Ming? I don't know. Listen, I didn't know. This was before Uber Eads. You bring this up every year.

It was before Uber Eats. We were in the middle of nowhere. It eats Uber Eats anyway. again, they go through your French fries, they stick them in their nose when they're driving, and they put them back on your plate. That's Uber. Yeah, but here's the deal.

You have a rule when you travel that you're eating within a block of the hotel. There's not much always within a block of the hotel. Yeah, but over there there is, you got papacitos around the corner, and you got papadoes across the street. So what are you talking about? Plus, you have a whole restaurant.

What are you talking? Plus, I put you in Texas. Listen, they were giving cookies. Whenever he checked in, he'd take the big fucking cookies and take him to his room, like three of those chocolate cookies. How dare you say there was nothing to eat, Cox? Like, you didn't, no, I, of course, there was food

to eat, and don't pretend like you weren't getting any of those cookies. Those are good double-tick. Don't make believe why. You took me talking about it. I'm not saying I was starving. I'm just saying I wanted to do. Not even a block away, guys, was Papa Doe. Not even a block. It was 40 yards for the door.

Yeah, but how many times if you're there for four days, do you want to go to Papa Does every day? Yes. Every. Yes. You can switch it up. You get the gumbo one day. You get the fucking other thing the other day.

Then the other day, you get the salad with the crab meat and the shrimp. And then the last day, you get one of those fucking boboys or some shit. That's it. It's very easy to mix it up. Me, I go in and eat the same fucking thing every day because that's how I wrote. I'm an old man. I get the lobster bisque, move over to the fucking nash. Shrimp and crab lump salad with blue cheese dressing.

You couldn't finish it. I don't care what gorilla went in there with me. He could not fucking finish the salads at Papados. And then we'd go to Papacitos around the corner. That was right around the corner. That was 100 yards in the hotel. And this Mukiak wants to take a fucking Uber eats with some greasy guy named Bubba.

to the corner of some Chinese All You Could Eat. Are you fucking crazy? I had enough shrimp. I wanted something different. All you could eat Chinese place is my man, Jerry Rocha. When I was a young buck and Jerry was even a younger buck, he would take me to all you could eat. But they always had something. Like one place had the big shrimp and they'd fry them.

I would only eat the shrimp, you know. I ain't touching that rice with worms and shit in it. The other place had good soup. We used to kill Chinese buffets, but they're few and far between. You've got to live there to know which ones are the ones you're not going to die from. I ended up thinking... You've got to assume you're going to go to the hospital. You're going to have a stomach cramp.

You're going to eat something that's not good. You've got to assume. If you don't, you're fucking retard. Is that going to crack a barrel? You're going to eat something that's bad. It may not even belong to you. It's not even a restaurant's fault. Maybe some fat chick came up and dipped her finger in the fucking sauce.

and something. It can be a lot of things. So do you ever go to Golden Corral? Honestly, yes, I did in Burbank. And it was the fucking most inedible food you've ever seen in your life. And to top it off, the people that were not from Burbank. They were like a mental experiment.

They had a place in the house, and then they would bring them there and tell them it was like, fucking, you know, damn tanners or something. That was not good that night. That was not good. I can't believe you got talked into going there. My wife and me would have just moved to the Valley. And every Friday night, we go on like date night.

And one night, you know, you see all the ads and people are happy. And they got a foul with the fucking with the chocolate syrup. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Well, we went there and nobody was ha ha ha ha, ha, all right? Everybody had a look on their fucking, a look on their fucking face. Like they just got let loose of the fucking mental. Institute and the other people had to look on their face like they needed Alka Salsa. And I know that fucking look.

All right. So I couldn't eat nothing. Even the fountain, the chocolate fountain they advertised with the, it was disgusting. How can you mess that up? Huh? Why was it gross? It was just gross. Trust me.

You don't want to put that shit in your body. At that time, I was a big boy. I was like 336 something. Yeah. I went in there and I was like, this don't look good. The fish don't look good. The shrimp don't look good. You know, nothing look at a boon.

Then you look at the stiffs that are in there. And you go, look, you know, how do you think they became stiffs? They eaten here one night a week. The buffets, do you, you're not really a buffet. I think you made fun of me before for going to buffets. You know what, man? When you're younger, you love those buffets. Yeah.

And one day you look at them, like for me, I had to be about 34 or something, 35. When I went to a buffet, one then I go, what am I doing? I got problems. I put drugs in my body and shit, but this, this is a different level. And guys, listen, when you're a broke comic on the road, you eat whatever. When I'm getting 600 a week and 200 goes to the plane ticket, you got to eat whatever you can. You know, subway sandwiches with no meat. That was my favorite, at least even then.

I always ate the veggie and cheese. I don't know what they made the cheese out of over there, but I took my chances. Could be turkey. It could be something from a turkey that cheese. I don't know what it is. You know, but you always try that, and then one day you don't need to eat that way.

And you go, I'll never eat that way again. You know, I didn't just get that big for the longest yard. That was a year on the road, Lee, eating bark food. Whatever they give you, you're broke. you know, whatever they give you. What do you got? Well, we got fried chicken and onion rings. So be it.

And pack a box to go for the room. Because Law & Order, I don't want to be lonely tonight when I mean watching Law & Order. It's all, you know. Then one day you go, you know what, I can't eat the three fucking bags of Niter chips out of the machine. It just starts with little conscious things. But that's great.

Because you were probably doing shows. and like when you say broke like you'll be lucky sometimes to like break even for that show listen man you know comedy always had I always had to do extra things

and I made it through but you're not rocking and rolling like me and my wife's first date was that fucking steakhouse on LaBreya that's not even there no more remember that I don't know what it was called

Captain Fish or some shit like that I never went to it. They give you like a steak and hush puppies and, you know, it was dirty. I never forget. It was like $26 for both of us, you know. And then you just start looking at what works. What's not going to kill you? Doesn't take a genius when you look at a fuck.

And the McDonald's are all different. Like the McDonald's by my house, that's an A-class McDonald's. You go in there and get a quarter pounder with cheese. You'll fucking die. you go, holy fuck. There's a McDonald's, Greg? Well, three weeks ago, we had a baseball tournament. And the guy went over there and he goes,

the only thing that's open is McDonald's when he brought back quarter pounders. These things were a day old. Oh, yeah. You come over here and they're fucking make them right there. The juice is coming out of them. You can't believe the quarter pound in Marlborough. Cannot fucking believe it.

It's not like I'm there every weekend. But when they first opened, I took my daughter over there. They added some promotion thing. And I took a quarter pound. If I'm going to go to hell, I might as well eat that. The only one who really has real meat is the quarter pounder. I think Red Band told me that.

Like, it's actually, what is the other stuff? It's like soy products or some shit. You got to check it out. But I'm not having a conversation with Red Man about this, that fucking, you know, that's the only burger he eats because he likes fast food. Fuck here. a little fast week. But I was thinking about

like, we were talking about stuff like that. You know who's killing it, I think? Is Jesus Trejo. Have he seen like how much stuff he's done since we left? No. He wrote a book. He wrote a book. Yeah.

He's like writing on a show. He's always, he just did another special. And like he's always one of bright guy. And you could see the guys that are just, he's killing it, I think. I think that fucking Shane Gillis is really fucking doing a great job.

I'll tell you who's going to squeak past all these motherfuckers, I think. Paul Rizzi. Really? He's very funny. He's very funny. That's a great special. I watch this football pick show with Bill Burr. Bill Burr's like half asleep. Paul Verzi's carrying the show.

You know, it's just, there's a lot of great comics out there. I don't know much about the young guys because it's like high school football. I don't know what's really going to happen here. But the guys that are just getting momentum, I keep my eye on those guys.

You know? Like, I remember Ralph Barbosa being a young guy. Like seeing him like a ta ha-ha and stuff. And he caught on. I don't remember Matt Rife at all. I remember his face, but I don't remember really working with him a lot, you know?

Hey, we moved up. I moved along. You know, the pandemic came. It changed the game of comedy. It changed a lot of things. The pandemic. Looking back at it now. So we all fucking learn something, my friend.

You know what I'm saying? It's crazy. But it's just seeing all the people who, like, are moving up. It's just cool to see, like, you know what was really cool? I watched, I haven't finished it yet, but I watched Bill Burr's movie. And then they put the bro. Monty Memorial on it. It was just cool.

I was thinking about you with your TV and like Bill, like all these comics are making movies now. There's been like four comics in the past year. That made movies. And so like that's just cool to see everyone doing it for themselves. I think

Hollywood also realized that listen, whether the money, whether the movies made money a lot. A lot. A couple months ago, I went online for some, and people are banging out Bert's movie that have lost this and lost that. Guys, there's a ton of movies now that lose money. Tons, you know, and it's not marketing. It's not this. It's not that. The movie theaters has become a rough place to make people to go to. You know, it's really has. I could talk to you about doing a show and Sony Hall.

and push the stake on you and say it's going to be a great time. You're right around the corner from this. If you take the ferry into the city or eight minutes from that, it's a six-minute Uber ride. You know, I could sell that to you. It's very rough to sell a fucking movie theater to somebody now.

Both those movies came out and they banged them up against each other. Sebastian and Bert had to go up against each other that weekend. Memorial Day weekend. You know, I think it rained here one day that we, Memorial Day is not what it used to be for movies anymore. You know, you see how much the climate has changed.

And I think people also expected to go to streaming eventually. I think that, unfortunately, that's going to, I went, I went and saw Bird's movie in theaters just because I was, I wanted to go see a movie and I love them theater. but it's I think it's gone to a point where we will either buy it or stream it eventually well I tried to buy By Byrd's movie

and it was like 28 bucks at first and I was like I'll wait I think I just saw Sebastian's on Showtime Okay panels picked it up I watched his couple of days ago and I saw birds I don't know about a month ago maybe a month and a half ago again you know

you're shooting movies after cold. I don't know what's going on with movies anymore. I would love to sit here and tell you that I don't know. I don't know where the communication gap is with people anymore. I know that there's diehards like myself,

yourself, Ari. If a movie theater opened within an hour from me, not in the city, any other direction, Pennsylvania, Cranford, New Jersey, one of those places. And they did a two movie every Saturday night.

They were looking for support, you know, to join a package. I would join. I would definitely join. I'm into that. I would go to the movies to sit with other people who enjoy movies like that. And just watch a movie anyway, from Citizen Kane to Godzilla to fucking, you know, it's great to watch those again. And with other people, it's easier.

I'm sorry? I was going to say, I think, think the reason those places are different is because people respect it. Like, they're not going to be, like, the biggest problem right now at theaters, I think, is other people. And I think so, like, when you're going to a place like that, that's, you're, like, a member of, or they're playing, like, not, like, current movies. It's, like, everyone there, like, loves movies, and they wouldn't be, like, an asshole in the theater.

I want to be honest with you. You know, I go to the movies twice a month now with mercy. you know, I didn't catch the Marvel one because my ankle was fucked up. I never had a problem with the movies. You want me to tell you why? Yeah. Because there's never anybody there.

Never? I go to two different movie theaters, either Freehold or East Brunswick. Are you also probably... Are you going early in the day? I go, look, I went to see the equalizer at night, the last one with her. Thursday night.

night. There was six other people there in the movie theater. Like, you know, like, when you sit in a seat and you go, fuck, I hope nobody comes over and says this is their seat. There's 200 seats open. But this is their fucking seat, you know? Like, it's been those, like, the movies are empty. Flower Moon, Flower Hill, whatever,

the fucking Leonardo Caprio. That's six people in it. That's crazy. Reholds a big movie play. and so is East Brunswick. I can't. I've seen a couple movies in East Brunswick. I've seen movies at both. I like them both.

Were they busy when you move there or have they been dead for a while? Well, when I moved here, it was the pandemic. So not to know. I couldn't even get a screening for the many Saints of Newark. And that was in 21. They were like, we don't know, we don't have enough people. And then I found out what was going on,

Lowe's, whatever, AMC. They got rid of a lot of people. They even got rid of the cleaning crew. Damn. Managers and staffers have to pick up the shit in the theaters now. This is why about a month ago, AMC and Jersey City had a close down. They had a rap problem.

People were in there watching a movie, and they're getting their toes bitten off by fucking little hamsters shit. That's why it happened, because they fired all the fucking custodda. Everything. They're making the people who work there, picked the popcorn boxes and the shit off the fucking floor.

So put that... It was crazy. The movie theater, we used to pop it because I worked there for years. Like, we used to pop it. And they had, like, they weren't like trash bags, but they were like food bags. And they were just pop them for days.

And then they had warmers at the front of the movie theater. So, like, it wasn't fresh. Like, people, like, the hot dogs were just kind of weird, eating anything at the movie. Listen, you're in a movie theater now. I fucking don't like popcorn a movie theater. Why?

This is going on for like 15 years. That fucking imitation butter. Everything has to be imitation. Just give me the fucking butter. Put the real butter in that. I used to go to a movie theater in San Francisco that had a homemade chocolate chip cookies. They gave you milk with it.

They also had popcorn, and they melted a stick of butter. and you're fucking popcorn. Not a stick in your butt, but you see the stick melting. Like real butter. Yeah, and you put salt and pepper on it, you dope it up.

You know, this shit now, I don't like going on movie theater and eating chocolate. I'm on a different fucking age. You know what? Put together a fucking, get a fucking wah-wah to come in here

and to make little sandwiches back here. A fucking nice. A sandwich, a bowl of lobster bit soup, salad. They got, you know, that's the idea I would have in a movie theater.

I want everybody comfortable. These movie theaters now, it's not enjoyable anymore. It's not the people for me. It's just not, I feel like I'm getting fucking ripped out. And I have the AMC package. My wife got, you know, we have a family.

We have kids, you know. Every time you go, you're like, give us the discount. They still hit you with like $90 for two things. I wouldn't need a pop. I wouldn't need a fuck. My daughter gets to popcorn. If I do want it, they don't even have raisinets anymore.

They have a limited fucking stuff in there now. And there's two blicks, but have you been to see if there's an Alamo draft house near you. I think that's what it's called. It's like one of those like fancy ones like where they will have because I've been to a couple. There are places that

will bring you food. And it's fucking awesome. So the Alamo draft house and they're not doing comedy is really a movie theater, right? Yeah, and it's like one of the nice ones. Yeah, that's what I, I've never been to one. I think they got one in D.C. and, uh, you know, somewhere else around here. Who the fuck knows? But anyway, where are you going for Thanksgiving, brother? I'm going to my, my aunt and my girlfriends. Okay. I'm going to be across the street and then I'm going to be around the corner, so, but I'm sure I'll talk to you. Like I said, if you could make it down here the night,

let me see what I can do. I'll call you this week and I'll let you know what's going on. Me and a bunch of my buddies are going out to dinner. My wife just told me that the rest of the games are in the daytime. So I don't have to worry. I go out to dinner now, the rest of the fucking Saturdays. I won't go out this week because I want my leg to heal. But anyway, my brother, happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.

And hopefully I'll see you before Christmas. You will. Absolutely. Thank you, buddy. And my man Joe and the boys, a little happy Thanksgiving to you, Cuck Suckers. I know you're in the back there somewhere. All right, I didn't hear them, so.

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