The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Episode #13 - Nappy Noo-Noo Time

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

This week on The Check In, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about their Thanksgivings, the year Joey didn't talk to one of his friends for messing up the mashed potatoes, Joey's groundbreaking idea for live events in the future, how important it is to be yourself on stage, and doing comedy prepared to bomb. This show is supported by: Support the show & get a 4-week trial of Stamps.com plus free postage & a digital scale at https://www.stamps.com/JOEY    Support the show and get 25% off at https://www.kudosnacks.com with promo code JOEY   Support the show & get 20% off & free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com when you use the code JOEY    

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I feel you got to be thinking. Welcome back to show! What's happened to the loop? Hey, buddy. You know me, dog. Tip Top Magoo on a Monday. The last Monday of the month. It's getting crazy.

We have like four weeks to the end of the until Christmas. Oh, this year has had roller skates on it. The fucking months have been on roller skates. It's fucking, it's crazy. It's just chunks. Like, just chunks. Like, March, like, you didn't even know March and April. Next you know, you're jumping up and down in May.

You're at a Philly game. And then it's August and you're in North Carolina and you can't breathe. And then it's October and you're fucking, you know, people knocking on your door looking for kicky candy or whatever the fuck they are. What's going on with? Is that a kicket? How was your Thanksgiving? I had a great Thanksgiving, man. I had a, we had it at my girlfriend's house with her two kids.

And that was a lot of fun. She didn't, she was getting ready. And then we all went to my aunt's house. And the kids met the rest of my, my side of the family. And it was pretty cool. It was cool to see. For the most part At daytime at home

There were some It's funny how like I'm not apparent by any stretch of the means But I'm sort of in that world right now And like they just They were great all week And they were great on Thanksgiving But there was like a minute in the morning

We're like for out of the blue They just like decided to cause shit And it's like it's Thanksgiving morning You're gonna do this I actually had that written down I was how are holidays different for you as like a parent? Like, because things...

Do you want me to tell you something? They mean something now. Listen, after you're fucking 18, 19, you have no family, your holidays are like fucking nomads, you know? Right. Somebody invites you over like on the 19th. Hey, you come,

you got anywhere to go on Christmas Eve? Nah, come over. Now you got to hustle up and shoplift gifts for the family or whatever. If you're going to give out of hands, shakes or whatever, you know, it's always been something like that. Ever since I had the child, it's

you know, now you get, now you get why you do the things you do. You understand it more. She don't believe in Santa no more, so that's good. But her friends still do. So, listen, she ain't going to rat them out. She's pretty cool with it. She figured it out.

Like anybody, any other kid figures it out. You know, they figure it out after a while. You open up a closet, a fucking, a hot wheel track hits you in their head. You open it up on Christmas Day. It's supposed to be for your cousin. Now, what happened? There was a mix up here.

So eventually, kids aren't that fucking stupid. They figure it the fuck out. I've heard Amazon's a dick. Like, Amazon will just leave stuff out. It happens all the time. I had a friend. It just happened to the other day. Somebody stole it? No, no. They didn't steal it, but they have, like, kids' stuff getting

delivered, and it's not put in a box for some random reason. And they'll just leave it right outside. Yeah. Who's that for? Oh, it's with a little blind kid down the corner. You don't know what to tell them. So you're happy when the charade is over.

It's a sad day because they bought it. Right. Five or six. And then they kind of know, you know, you ask them, what do you want? You make a list, you know, come on. So it's interesting. Mercy is a little older, but like, they also have phones. So like they Google it now.

They can ask Siri. Like, they're like, you're kind of screwed. You're kind of screwed. Well, I got no scary in this fucking house. So you do.

No, I don't. What do you mean? You don't. I live by the fucking book. I take the phones out of the rooms where I talk now. That's why sometimes I don't even get your calls.

Because I charge phones in a room where I'm not at no more. No more chit-chat in front of the fucking phones. You know what I'm saying? I put a camera. motherfucker at night. Even TVs have microphones now. Everything. Everything.

Everything. It's a fucking nightmare. And these guys that go home and bang out, fucking masturbations online, you're sitting there, they got your face. They're just saving it. They'll sell back to Scientology. Next thing you know, you're fucking in a band with Chivalta singing Christmas songs and Scientology for a bunch of fucking people.

So, nah, that's why I don't like none of that perverted stuff. none of that. There's a situation going on here close to home about a place and they had some problems. And a lot of people I know went in there and, you know, now you got to wait to see who knocks on your fucking door. And that's why it's better if you know they got, it's a different world today. Cameras have changed, especially if you lived when there weren't no cameras. You know, like you still take things. granted. Every movement you make

you know, from the time you leave your fucking garage in the morning, you've got to assume every movement you make is that's why I don't understand how they like years from now they probably have them already. A satellite that's up there.

And when they have a cop chase, it's taping all day. And when they have a murder occurs or something, all they got to do is go to the satellite and there you are running out of the house with fucking, you know, a bag of shit you stole and a bloody knife

they got you they got you there and then like what about like ring like because like I think ring owns all that footage I get like think about all like the video doorbells now they have cameras they had us put cameras in the suburbs and like I guess everywhere

but it's just pretty crazy like they could have access the government could get access to that if they wanted to dog in my hometown where I grew up in North Bergen you can't You can't piss on the street. If a cop will be there in eight minutes, you litter, a cop will be there in eight minutes. You know, this town, where I live,

they have cameras everywhere. They have camera. It's a big kid town. There's softball fields everywhere. There's parks everywhere. You know, I got cameras everywhere. And I feel better, you know, because you can't have no fucking guys walking around

with a brainy jacket, a long jacket giving out candy down here. They get spotted right away, but, you know, it sucks for other reasons. Let's say you want to take your girlfriend to the park and throw her a little salami sandwich. You know, there's a camera now. You know, if you want to smoke a number, there's a camera now. So there's a lot of, there's a lot of negative. You know, New York City is one big camera.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely. New York is crazy. New York City, it's one big camera. You got to assume you're getting. taped from eight different fucking locations especially going into this this holiday season now with the tree

and all the tourists that fly back here and shit like that. It's surreal. It's surreal. And they like they, I don't do a lot of conspiracy theories, but like they're doing it in China right now. They have like cameras and they like that's how you pay for things. That's how you get into buildings is they scan your face. And it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's,

not even just like a hidden camera. It's like right in your face. And they have like the, a social credit score based on like how you behave, lets you do certain things. And it's all like facial where they have, they're building cities. It's crazy. I'm telling you, it's going to, Vegas is going to be soon like that. All the money there. You know, I know for years, I won't even, I told you before. I won't bang one out in the room in Vegas. They got cameras. I ain't bringing nobody up there that's fucking weird. They got cameras. you got to assume, you know, you have to assume now.

Do you, I don't know what it is about me. I can't, if you're staying at a nice place, I can't think that they're doing bad things in hotel rooms. Like, do you ever do stuff like that? Like, not have the comforter down? Because that's, like, they say they don't watch that shit. And like you're saying, they have cameras in the rooms. Do you think they do that a lot?

Well, they don't, listen, man, they're going to cut corners, especially now. You go into a room during COVID. You better check everything. There's an ashtray under your bed with cracking it and a pipe. You know, they don't have, look what's going on in Vegas. Didn't they have a maid prom in Vegas? It's like a main union.

Yeah, they went on strike, I think. So you have to assume, again, that whatever hotel you're going into after COVID, listen, any hotel you go into now doesn't have the same amenities it had before COVID. when you go on the website, they're still on there. But when you get there and you go, where's the bar? They're like, we haven't had a bar since after COVID.

Where's the restaurant that used to be in here? You know, when you go on the road, those little, they're not holiday ends. There's another chain. You got those little restaurants in there. The food's not great, but they do make some eggs sunny side up for breakfast. It's not like powdered eggs and, you know, the wheat toast. So I used to always get the breakfast there.

lunch is not, you know, it's like a roast beef sandwich. They have like cream of onion soup or something. Not for me. But all those places, somebody was telling me, they're done. Yeah, they don't have any of those things. And then, I mean, and I never did it. I never liked people coming into my hotel room. But most places, if you're there for less,

and I think it's like four or five days. They don't clean your room unless you ask for it. I went, when I drove to Nashville this year on the way back, we stopped in Pennsylvania. night and we could not find the hotel room. We were like four hours away. We could not find the hotel room. We had already been in the car, 11 hours,

and we could, we just wiped. On the way there, it's easier than the way back. Right. Oh, yeah. We found the hotel, and it was packed. As soon as you went in this place, stunk, my wife came out and she goes, listen, it's the only hotel room in town,

and they don't have an elevator. And we're like on the third floor. It was like walking two-football fields over there. As soon as you walked in the room, it smelled like you walked into the plaza in Vegas, cigarettes, you know. The next year, my life goes, I'm going down and get breakfast. I wouldn't. She's like, no, let's go have the coffee.

She went and got the coffee. She threw everything out when she got to the room. It was just everything was unedible. But the hotel we stayed at in Tennessee, I would move into that place. Oh, yeah, what did they have? It was just a great hotel, Holiday Inn Express, owned by Southern women. Fucking, they had a great breakfast.

They had a great dinner spread at night. I mean, listen, you're not going to find stuffed pork chop of mozzarella. You know, it's fucking Tennessee. But they tried. But the breakfast was surreal. Every morning, the breakfast was on point. And there was a couple breakfast spots, And I kept saying, let's just stay here.

Because I hate leaving, you know, from over the years of comedy, you've got to leave some hotels to get what? Fucking potato chips on the soda. When I started comedy, there wasn't no shit like there is now, Lee, where you go to a hotel room and you're like, ah, you know,

let me go upstairs and get ham and eggs and shit. That was dick. Nobody gave you a free fucking breakfast. Nobody. And I've got tons of stories where you got to wake up in the morning, they got free coffee, but you're a comic. You wake up at 11.

The coffee's like fucking shoe leather. And now you have to leave the hotel to go get something to eat. And that's a nightmare in itself, especially if you don't have a car, especially if you drove with the headliner or you took a bus up there or something to that effect.

And like, what if you did? Because I think about that a lot is, like you, like, if you are like surviving on comedy money at like $100 a show, you probably can't eat out that much. Like you couldn't order delivery. Like you could, but like, if you're making $50, $100 a show,

how are you supposed to eat out for a week? You ever get to 7-Eleven, and they got frozen pizzas and TV dinners and frozen chickens? Yeah. That's the life of a comedian. TV dinners, those burritos, two of those motherfuckers with a Coke

and a bag of Cheetos, chili, huh. It ain't healthy, but you ate. Right. Really hard to think the shit I ate when I was flat broke just to maintain, just to do comedy. And I knew it was bad for me, but I didn't give a fuck. You know, those frozen burritos, listen, you take those frozen burritos back to your room. You just don't eat them out of the baggie.

You put some fucking paste picante on there, a little bit of cheese, maybe. be some jalapeno, you dope them up a little bit. And they're not that bad in the hotel room when you have 20 bucks left and one joint and you know, you got to drive two hours. That shit all, you know, you figure out, you balance out what's important and it's so weird. And then when you do get a good meal, you appreciate it so fucking much on the road. Like there's a guy I'll never forget because the opening night, Thursday night, after the show, he'd always take the comedians only to dinner.

And the place where he was taking you was already closed. Wow. You had the restaurant to yourself. They knew about it, the family. It was up in Milwaukee. And that, you know, I thought about it years later. First off, he took you to a restaurant on Thursday. Saturday, he cooked for you at the club.

barbecue style and Saturday morning he took you to breakfast. Wow. The guy tried. The guy really tried. That's really nice. And just like for people listening, I think, and I'm not complaining at all, but at most,

like people like a club will order out for you. Like that's not a usual thing to be that involved, I think. It was that, you know, and now I see years later where the value wasn't it. You know, like, you know, I know I know you guys been traveling. You're on a bus. You're here.

You're there. You're eating shit. This place is, it wasn't Dan Tanners. It wasn't, but it was like a Milwaukee. It was like a Wisconsin restaurant. They had a lot of stews and everything was thick and thick breads and shit. It was fucking phenomenal.

And I went there twice and both times, Thursday night. Let's go. We're going over to this restaurant. So now thinking, back out of it. It's pretty nice. And for anybody who has a comedy club or whatever, try that. You know, if you're a booker and you're doing a one-nighter and people coming in from out of town, the first night of the show, take them somewhere nice.

You know, not, hey, listen, it doesn't have to be a $3,000 dinner. But just the effort, take us back to your mom's house. You know, I'll eat some home cooking. If your mom makes a lasagna tray, that goes a long way and she gives you a piece to go home with when you're a starving comic Are you fucking kidding me?

So these are things you learn As you go along How was your week last week? Comedy-wise Comedy-wise, I had a great week Last week. I did five spots Two were shows and three were open mics And I had a cool week

Because I was kind of nervous about it I think I've told that I didn't really do well in front of Bookers before. And I decided to release a clip and I was really nervous about it. And so I didn't want to do most of those jokes at these shows with the Bookers because I was hope.

You know, people came out. I didn't want them to think if I have 10 minutes, they've seen seven of it already. And so I did like completely different sets than I normally do. And they both went great. And so I'm going to hopefully get to do more shows with each group.

Congratulations. As far as the fucking bookers concerned, listen, man, you're going to go up in front of a lot of bookers in your day. You know, every club has a fucking booker. And then when you get to a certain level, you got bookers from TV shows and comedy companies and all these people coming to watch you. And I think the biggest showcase I ever had

was at the nine-year mark, which was Mitchie Shore. yeah holy shit and you know it's like anything else man when you're there you see the work

you put it you know what I'm saying so at that time remember I used to tell you that I used to call clubs I was just a fucking salesman and I go listen I like to come to your club and do a guess

that this is who referred me but if I go there on Saturday night I want to make sure on Sunday night I want to make sure the book is going to be there. Oh, he'll be here. So all those years of having the book of there prepared me for that. I'm sure you've told it a couple of times,

but I honestly just don't remember and I'd love to hear it. Can you quickly tell, like, you're showcasing from Mitzie's story? Between you and E, I don't fucking even remember it anymore. It was, you know, at that time, I had already done, like, the year before, the year before that, I'd done the Seattle comedy competition.

Okay. So five nights in a row, you've got to go up seven nights the first week. You're going up in front of judges, you know? And then the second week again, it's seven, you know. So that, at the end of the fucking month, you go up in front of 30 fucking judges. And there's other bookers there, you know, from the area, Seattle area. There's other bookers from comedy club chains, you know, and you're going up in front of them.

Me, I prefer when you come up to me after my set and go, hey, I work for the funny bones. I book six clubs. I just saw you destroyed. I like to get your info. I hate if you come up to me before that, you know. But naturally, when you do those things, you have to assume there's people there in the audience.

you know, I just spoke to a writer last week who I'm going to work with for the book, you know, to expand it. And when he wrote back, did I send you a copy of the letter? No. He sent me like a letter saying, this is why I think I should work with you. And part of that letter was him coming to the comedy store for like two or three years to watch comedy on Tuesday nights.

Wow. And he said, how he watched me grow, blah, blah, blah, blah. blah, but we already had a relationship by me, by him coming. Did I know he was ever in the audience? Did I know that high-powered writers like that were in the audience at the comedy store? No, I would have shipped my pants. Somebody would have came up to me and said, you're going up in front of six writers from CBS or NBC.

So you see what happens? Like, you don't even know. And you have a good set. That's why people always tell you just to be. yourself. And it sounds so cliche and so cornbally, but it's fucking true. You know, if you see that Booker in the room, don't act up like you act like you usually act. Go up to the girl, give her a kiss. Hey, what's going on here? And he my bitch is called. He's watching everything. You have to assume they're watching every move from the minute you walk in that showroom to check in

you know, whatever, who's talking to you, your manager, and then you go up there and you deliver the fucking goods, but the most important thing is to be yourself. Like, I've seen great comics showcased with great things. They had a set that that person came to see, right? That person came to you and said, hey, last Thursday night, I saw you at the improv, and you were fantastic or the lap factory.

You could do that next Thursday night. I'm going to bring everybody from the tonight show out to see you. You know what? Like a guy like me, an idiot like me, would show up with a whole different 10 minutes. I knew that's what you're going to say. Oh, my God, really? Yeah, an idiot like me would show up with new 10 minutes

to show you that I'm fucking Johnny extraordinaire. It all depended on what part of my career you caught me at. Right now, I know that if you saw me on a 13th, Thursday last week. I'm going to go on a piece of paper somewhere where I wrote like a couple anchors. I didn't write my set out. I wrote a couple of anchors just to move them around. I'm at the comedy store.

I'm at the improv, you know. And that's what I'm going to do. But somebody like me, the old me, would have gone with a whole new 10 minutes. See, like that, I just hearing that request, all I could think about was, do I have to do a word for word? What if I had a good interaction with somebody at the improv? But then this week, and I'll have that interaction. And now it looks like I got bombed. No, just go.

Oh, my God. I'd have working around the same material. And if you see an opening, take the opening. If not, stick to your material. This is NBC. This is the Tonight Show. Or this is an HBO special. This is Jimmy Kimmel.

This is anybody. You know, at the end of the day, it's all the same shit. it's how you control your nerves, it's your breathing. You know, what I always like to do is try to hit them hard, heavy, so you get the confidence going. If you go out there with a dragged-out long one-minute joke, you don't really know where you stand. You come out fucking taking swings,

you're either going to die or you're going to come out extra hype, and then you're just sailing from that. It's only 10 minutes. I'm trying to do 35 minutes in 10 minutes. I don't want you to breathe. I'm going to keep punching in the stomach. Like one of those rock'em-sock-and-fucking robot. So I'd rather give you that advice than the Mitzie Short thing.

How's that? Okay, I love that. And you know what? I don't know if you want to go back there, but we didn't even talk about your Thanksgiving. How was your Thanksgiving? My Thanksgiving was very cum-sie-cum-sah. You know what I'm saying?

I woke up nice and early. I fucking worked out. I went to work with my buddy. We did a nice 45 minute workout. I came home. I put some ice on my ankle, you know? And then about I watched there was a honeymoon or a fucking afternoon, like a couple episodes, like a marathon.

A marathon from 11 to 3. Nice. At 3 we went over there and with the Pumas. Thank God they invite us. You know that she's a great fucking cook, Jody. She put together a fucking turkey. She made my favorite because she knows I like stoops top topping.

I don't want to eat none of your fucking international stuffing with roots and beets. I don't want to taste it. The Pilgrims didn't have any of that. They had stoke top. All right? So she made fucking like waffles out of stoke top. Ooh.

She put them in the waffle machine. Fucking genius. You put the white meat on top of that. You throw a hand scoop. of mashed potatoes on top of that and some a little bit of cranberry sauce and some Malukia gravy I had one of them

I was done. Was it like all crispy? Yes. The stuffing that sounds really fucking good. I'm telling you she hit it out of the fucking park, Jody Puma. The gravy melted it through the layers. I don't even like gravy. No me either.

What's that? I don't like it either. Yeah, but you got to throw the gravy on there. throw the gravy on there. It was perfect. And then we watched the first game. I forgot who the fuck it was. And then we went to the Murdoz around the corner for the late night fucking appareteef. And they busted out desserts.

They had like maybe, they had more fucking desserts than what's that ice cream store that has all the flavors? Basket mountains. They got 200 flavors. They beat them that night. They had everything. Moose, goose, fucking jelly. popsicles, they had everything. Fucking Ben and Jerry's, this, that, Briars, a couple

of, a couple of apple pies. I tell you what I didn't eat this year. What's that? Pumpkin pie. What made you stay away from it? I didn't. I forgot all about it. It was there, and I always said I'll get back to it later. I've never liked any pie. I like, you know, I like Pican Pie. That's pretty good.

I recently had. They had an Oreo cake at my aunt's house. Did you tear that out? I did have a piece of it. All right. So you enjoy it. It was really, but what did you have

instead of pumpkin pie? I probably broke down at the Murdo's because the edible's kicked in and I had a fucking an apple crumb pie. Ooh, I do like I do like Apple Crisp. So that sounds like that was, oh shit.

They're cousins. Apple crisp, apple pumpkin, whatever the fuck, they're all cousins with a scoop of briars vanilla ice cream, old school,

with the little chocolate fucking spots in it, you know? You've said something. What's up? With the little spots in it. Okay.

With vanilla bean spots in it. Nice. It's brilliant. I haven't added in 20 years. But when I saw it, I said, I got to attack this and it's fucking brilliant.

And that was the only thing I ate. That was the only dessert I ate. You said something last week that I was thinking about this week, and we're talking about people messing up mashed potatoes, and I was thinking about that you and Terry had a story that didn't you stop being friends completely with someone? I got mad at it. I got mad.

I didn't talk to it for about seven months because of the mashed potatoes. Listen, man, there's some things I eat. Once you've had great mashed potatoes, it's tough to go back to shitty mass potatoes, especially when you're a fat fuck like we are. Okay. There's something about the essence of mashed potatoes dish, especially when they're whipped. Yes, mashed potatoes, if you're eating mashed potatoes and you're trying to be healthy, go shoot yourself right now.

Nobody eats mashed potatoes who wants to be fucking healthy. It's a special goddamn treat. So do me a favor. When we have it, throw down. don't be shy with that Irish butter, you know what I'm saying? Don't be shy with that pepper. Throw some red onions in that bitch. You ever have fucking, no, you ever have mashed potatoes with the peels and red onions in that motherfucker?

I've never had red onions in it. Cloked or not cooked? I mean, they're heated up with the potatoes. Okay, so like it's like sauteed a little bit? Yeah, this motherfucker used to make them in bowl the Colorado and make me lose my mind. I would eat them just to, that's the only mashed potato. I would just eat the mashed potato. And Cubans make something.

That's very good. I never had it again after my mother died. It's called Malanga. What is that? M-A-L-A-N-G-A. It's like a fucking potato. It's long, but it's brown. It's wild, but it's fucking delicious with butter, salt and pepper, you know.

Oh, fucking delicious. And that's where I love, I like potatoes, and I like, whatever the fuck I told you. I forget the... Malanga. Malanga. So, but what did your friend do that made you so upset? The friend that invited me over on this most sacred day of mashed potatoes.

Listen, you want to fuck mashed potatoes up in July. I ain't got to get mad at you. Okay. You fuck them up in September. I ain't going to get mad at you. But on the National Day of Potatoes, which is Thanksgiving, you better come correct. You got to show up with both guns.

and one in your fucking ankle. Okay, especially when it comes to mashed fucking potatoes. So I went over there and they were like fucking powdered potatoes. The whole dinner was a disaster. It was fucking a trundkin, a turkey with a duck in it. I don't want to do that. If you want to do that, make two fucking turkeys. Give us an option.

Why you feed me this? Because you think it's good? I don't think it's good. Everything was nasty. But nothing insulted me more was the mashed potatoes. I took it to heart. I took it to heart that I went home and just passed out angry. And my wife woke me up at 2 o'clock in the morning.

She made me a Thanksgiving dinner because she knew how important. You get up all year, you pay taxes, you do the best you can. The least a man could ask for is mashed potatoes on fucking Thanksgiving. Yeah, but to do it at like 2 in the morning. Is that what is that when you were you married yet at that point? No, we were getting close though. Yeah, I was gonna say that's fucking awesome. You know what I was like I was fucking upsetly

Like I know Man how the fuck you gonna fuck up mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving They were and when I'm not exaggerating They weren't even in the ballpark league She got them out of a box like those box ones That right there I got to put you on I got an 86 year for 90 day mandatory And what is that 86 entail?

Like no communication? Nothing. I don't want to know nothing. You fucked up. I'm not even going to tell you why you fucked up. I'm not going to say nothing to you. I'm just, I'm not picking up the fucking phone.

Don't call me no more for 90 days. How many people just don't call back? They don't. Because it in 90 days? I think he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Why? I didn't talk to her for 180 days. I put her in a real pain on my mind.

list. That's how insult that I was about the fucking mashed potatoes. But why don't you tell people about what their sentences? I don't know what their sentences. It's their sentences, I don't know, I don't know. How I feel in the morning

after you try to fucking poison me on Thanksgiving, you know. Like, you're not going to sit there and tell me I didn't have the right here. If this was another country, I can have, I can press charges for making mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving. That God, I'm not a fucking crime stopper.

I have no problem with you. I just think it's funny to think about, like, you just, you went to Thanksgiving and then didn't call her for 10 months or answer her calls. It was November 20, whatever, and I didn't talk until, like, April and May. She finally called me when they, she's like, what's your problem? You won't pick up your phone. And I said something like the first time I go, fucking want to make mashed potatoes.

I just hung up on it. And then she called the friends. She goes, what is he talking about? Oh, my God. You know, you're trying to poison me a bad. But you didn't, listen, by giving me. It broke me down emotionally and fucking spiritually and physically. Because I trust you.

First off, I know her very well. She always throws down a great meal. You know, I know it from Texas. I was friends with her back in Houston. But I think A boyfriend and he was a half of fucking, you know He had light shoes like Post Malone You know

You don't like Post Malone? I didn't say I didn't like Post Malone I just said he always tips toe like a burglar Like he walks real light Like you know Okay A burglar or a couple other things He's just light in the shoes

You know what I'm saying I understand so he had a boyfriend like that Right away you got to put words in my mountain. The next day, the paparazzi picked it up. Uncle Joey don't like Post Malone. I like Post Malone music. I was listening to him a couple of days ago. I mean, I'm not going to, you know, not put

them on over Led Zeppelin, but if I'm still there and I'm smoking a couple fucking numbers, it's nothing wrong with Post Malone. No, I just, I didn't picture you as a huge Post Malone fan. No, I didn't say, did I say, when I say when I blow the nickel, they go see fucking

phone alone and jump up and down a lot of other people that are tight fucking the life foot of it. It sounded like that's what you wanted for Christmas. No. No. No. No. Just because I like music, just because I like music, don't mean I want to hang out with you and fucking jump up and down. You know. Is there any concert that you go to right now?

Is there like, was there any? Because I can't imagine you going anywhere. If I go to a concert first of all right now, not today, but it has to be a small venue. anymore. I'm old school. I'd rather go to those American Express concerts where you get the small venue and, you know, I didn't do, I didn't go see Chris Cornell here in the city or anything. When I lived in LA, I got to see Guns and Roses with Dean and Bill Burr at the fucking palladium. And that's like, you know, 2,000 seats. It's a little bit more

personal, you know, but these big forum things, I don't want to get tickets. I got to walk. two miles. You look at my weight watches. I walk 22,000 steps. I don't need that. To hear the same music, I've been listening to for 40 fucking years. Would you pay

more to go to a smaller venue? Absolutely. Interesting. It's really interesting. You said that to me. I was talking to a music guy today. We were talking about Pink Floyd. Okay.

And he was saying that where they messed up with music years ago because they didn't know was that they should have taped all their concerts. People should have really taped high quality all their concerts. It would have taken a big chunk out of their income. But what they didn't know that today,

you could sell that experience. I could get you into a hotel. And that's what he was saying. He goes, think of what people pay for the soup bowl. experience. It's an experience. He goes, I don't know what concerts are like today, but from listening, I mean, I'm older than this guy. And we were talking, he goes, my dad used to tell me these fucking stories. And I go, they're all true. All those Led Zeppelin shows in the city, Rolling Stone Tours, they were all fucking insane, you know. But he was like, you could sell. Like right now, if they were the shot, Pink Floyd DeWaugh and really taped it well. You could have took a theater broken in half. And he goes, you could sell those seats for $15,000.

And people will pay it because it's an experience. Now you've got to play it back with the modern speakers and the new technology. You have to edit it and clean it up well, you know, digitally remastered. I'm sure they're all doing it now. They have to. I'm sure that, you know, it's an experience. It's a festival. It's something that I can connect with my kid with.

So if they asked me for 15 grand, I don't know if I got the 15 grand for that. But it's a thought that if my daughter likes Led Zeppelin and I had gone to see Led Zeppelin, I wasn't that fortunate. I could take my daughter to go see that same concert. that's mind-blowing or a fucking baseball game. Yeah, oh my God, yeah. Baseball game that I went to where, you know, who cares? Name of Boston Red Sox. He hit two home runs that game.

And you happen to get $8 tickets and the people next to you bought you beers all afternoon. And they were nice. They were from fucking Woodford and you were from Medford and everybody talked about Southie, you know. And it was a fucking experience. For people to see that, they would shit their pants. What it was like when you went to a baseball game and, you know, some motherfucker snuck in a bucket of Kentucky fried chicken. And that whole two sections was eating Kentucky fried chicken.

And you're like, man, I came to this game having a bad day. And just being here, it's 80 degrees. A bird shit on me. You know, I was at Shea Stadium and a bird shit on me. But just the fact that you could share. those experiences with your child, with your father, with your mother. Maybe your mother wanted to go see Barbara Streisand in New York

City when she was going to college there, but the tickets were too expensive. We could relive that. You know, pick her up in a limo, take her to a thing, you know, and forget about what AI is going to do because they can actually have Barbara Streisand there greeting you. Yeah, I was going to say VR.

I'm sorry. You know, I'm not... No, no, but no, AI is not probably not wrong. They can create people. Like, they could make concerts that didn't happen, happen. Like, they could... AI is definitely going to play a part in it. It's, uh...

That would be interesting all, because we, like, you've talked about that for a while with comedy, with, like, like, recording the sets up to a special to see, like, the, like, how, uh, like, the set was built. I like all that stuff too, but also like these festivals that Bert puts on.

Yeah, oh yeah. Experience, brother. Tape those. Tape those from underneath, looking. And you tape those and 30 years from now, you could go see Burke Chrysler.

You'd go see Dave Chappelle at the garden. But hold on one second. I got to break because I got to talk to these people about popcorn. the fuck listen i hate popcorn but this popcorn is going to put you over the fucking top i'll be right back guys like i told you in the podcast listen they're new popcorn i love this company kudo popcorn

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Get your life together. Back to the podcast now. We're back. Anyway, we were talking. That's the fucking future. I know for a fact, I heard something that they're kind of touring like, you know,

I think it's Biggie and Tupac. Yeah, I'm sure there are. And because I was thinking about what you were talking about. And it clicked it, like, you're talking about, like, not just the performance, but, like, everything around it. It's way too long to watch the whole thing. But they did a whole documentary on Woodstock. Yeah.

And if they have all that footage, like, that would be one, I think, to go to. because like when you're talking about what you're talking about I think you kind of have to if you want that you kind of have to start interviewing people there don't you and like to like like Lee come down on the reefer it's got you planning I'm not interviewing fucking nobody I know you're not interviewing anybody but you're talking

it would just be let's say Woodstock would be a great idea to see what additional footage they have you'd have to go through whoever owns the footage you know It's a process. But if there's money involved, this could be a fucking great idea.

And I mean, you go to Woodstock, you're wearing a fucking shirt from the 60s, you ain't showing for a week, you got flip-lops on, you got an ingrown toenail, you're going all out. The girl you're taking's got syphilis. Maybe you get her a shot

to get the syphilis from the jungles. I don't know. I don't fucking know, but it's just going and seeing the music and the smells. You know, if somebody could recreate the smells, the mud, I don't fucking know Lee.

I just know that if there was a high-level Pink Floyd War, it's on YouTube. Look it up. Pink Floyd the Wall February 20th, 1980. It's the opening night. It's on there. It's just not taped like you would tape.

It's a, whatever, a bootleg. Right. You want high quality, like they did it on purpose. It looks and sounds great. I want to see the sweat on his face. So at one time of the experience, I could just throw a mist in the air like they do on that Disney show. It's a small world after all where you sit in the fucking chair

and they take you all around the world. And when you're going through India, they throw sand that year. And then, you know, it's fucking tremendous. You get married, they throw rice at you. Do you want to have the sweat come at you? You want to have some mist people with people sweat? Yeah, not with the real sweat, but just a little mist of fucking warm water. Because you're taken in by the experience.

You're not even going to feel the mist until midway. I mean, that's the whole thing. I mean, like I said, you're paying 15 grand, 20 grand for this and 10 for your kid. They can't give you, they're not going to sell you $100,000 project. with $10 shoes on. Right. For me to charge you that fucking dough, I got to impress the fuck out of you.

I got to make you leave there and go, dog, I do it again. I'm taking a second mortgage on my house. I'm taking my mother and father. Yeah, like if you could recreate, like an entire experience? Four hours, five hours. Warm ups, walking through the fucking thing.

You know, and I'm not talking about VR. I'm talking about surround sound all around, screens all around. I mean, this is big money, Lee. This isn't two podcast dudes are going to do this. No, I think this might be technology that doesn't exist yet, too. I felt like, I'm like, you know me, dog, I'm in the future. I'm taking these edibles. I'm thinking about things.

I never would have thought that would be what you would think about, hi. You know, when my friend told me today, I was like, wow, that is something that, would change entertainment for fucking ever. Because if I could take a baseball game, if I could take game five, a Cincinnati against Boston, and I don't know, I don't know how I would present it.

I don't know if I would go to Fenway, and pay the 15 grand, along with a lot of other people. I don't know how to do it, but just to have that on the field to watch that exact game with Carlton Fisk and all that.

I think I'd have a nervous breakdown because it would take me back to being in that bedroom. I'm my mother's bed watching it. Fucking with crosses all over me and I'm like Cincinnati has to win or I'm going to fucking die in this house. They're just going to

sacrifice me, you know? How old were you? I was about maybe 10 or 11 or 12, but I just became a Cincinnati red fan when I was a kid. They lost to open. to somebody. Something happened. And I really liked them. And then I just

saw him lose. And then I saw him win a World Series against one of the best teams I ever saw the Boston Red Sox at that time. They had the fucking one of the best teams ever. They just couldn't win a World Series. But that was a battle. And even to show people, like, I would pay 20 grand to see all six games. Like, don't even take me home.

16 hours in a fucking capsule With 20 other sweaty fat dudes With fucking You know With fucking blankets on their faces From the tears rolling down Because that's how You know

That's what this game would mean to you Now would you And it's not necessarily better But like what if you could have Like if you could plan out I have an hour and I want to be at these 10 plays or like 20. Like you could just go to see like every cool sports moment

that you ever wanted to see. It's tremendous. Like you just see that moment. That would be crazy. So I think. I know that going ahead with the technology that I know hasn't been made yet. You know, I'm sorry about that. But it's, you just see it.

coming. So you know, if you think about it, listen, if I think about a technology, me being an idiot, I can't imagine what the smart people are really thinking about right now. I just gave someone an idea. I just went to a doctor's visit, maybe a month

ago. And we were talking about he goes, you got a couple options left for your left knee. But eventually it's going to have to be redone. And he goes, I know you're a little hesitant. He goes, but let me tell you something. That whole situation, has changed.

He goes, it's changed so much that they put the painkiller in your kneecap now. They just insert painkiller into your kneecap? And it releases it when you need it. He was telling me all this shit. It's a vacuum thing now. You know, not that I'm going to do it.

I'm not saying I'm going to do it. But he was telling me how much the technology's changed since I did my right knee. So you always have to think that everything's moving. I mean, I've talked, I've spoken to you, I've spoken to Mike. and every once in a while you guys hit me with an app

and I'm like, oh my God, that's a great fucking idea. Your own radio station, you know, your own this, your own that. You know, how many times people sit there? I watch the fucking NFL game, and I turn off the volume. Okay. Are you telling me you could do better than these guys?

Let's do it. Step up to the pub, Cogsucker. There's an app called, you know, take me to the ball game. and fucking, you're there, whether it's soccer, basketball, NFL football, or whatever the fuck's left, baseball, pro. You could call your own fucking games and take donations or charge a monthly fucking fee. Give them the first two weeks for free, and if they don't sign a waiver, then after two weeks, you charge whatever, $9.95. I mean, guys, that's there already.

that somebody's already doing that. So any idea you may have at the house that you want to be creative about and you're like, well, I don't know. I always wanted to be an announcer at a strip club. I guarantee there's an app right now that there's girls on the screen somewhere in Bulgaria and there you are coming up to the stage.

It's brandy. Let's give it up. I don't even know anything about that world. but you have to assume these things you have to just go yeah this has to exist because I'm an idiot and I thought about it

It doesn't seem like that's how things are going to be made now But there are like there's robots that will cook your food now I can't imagine what's going to happen with podcasting in two years You're just going to sign up for a fucking Apple thing And they're going to do all this They're going to do a thousand things You could just do it at the house They're going to do a thousand things

you know, you can't imagine what's going to happen. Not that I'm going to be any good at it, you know. I don't know about that shit, but this is what's going on every day in our world right now. You have to accept it. Oh, there's a constant. See, now I know the headibles are hitting me. Oh, why is that? Just because I'm talking shit.

I'm talking gibberish here now. You know what I'm saying? I love it. Believe it, I had two good picks this weekend. I only put two picks. You won? Both of them. Yeah, I had Denver.

I always loved Denver given a small amount at home on a Sunday. And then I took the under in Baltimore last night. I just took a chance. I said, let me use the $27 I won on the first game. You know, that was interesting. And you got both? I got both. But it's really interesting.

I sit around. I do a bunch of things. I mean, the last two weeks have been fucking brutal with this ankle. But, uh, listen, I'm back.

It hurts still. But, yeah, man, it has, you know, I got to ice it three times a day. I got it.

I've been looking at how many steps I take. I think if I walk over 4,000, that's what it swells up. And it's been like two weeks now. It'll be, uh, two weeks. two weeks on Thursday.

Wow. So. And lifting weights. I'm doing sit-ups in my fat tummy. I'm on the fucking bike. And I'm sleeping. I'm sleeping great. As a matter of fact, I sleep like a fucking baby now.

She's getting bigger. And now we're just November 27th. We don't stop this fucking party till Christmas Eve. It's over. You know. Oh, yeah. Go ahead, I'm sorry.

When you were talking about sports, I wanted to talk to you about Tommy DeVito, the Giants quarterback, and see what you thought. Have you heard about him? I heard he was a bartender in Hoboken. I know he lived at home with his mother or something like that. Yeah. I know he's won two games with the Giants. He's one, I think he's won at least two games. Two games is a Giants.

and you know like this week I tried to watch I think you and I were on the phone for about a minute. Yeah. Game was on it was zero zero and we were like what was the old one then? We were like 16. It was awful. I didn't watch the game. I'm happy they won the Giants.

I'm happy for DeVito but if you know anything about me I'm happy for that motherfucker. That's like a rocky story. He's living at his mother's house. She's making pasta for him and he's bartending out of fucking bar and oboken. And he gets off in the giant.

Let me read the quote because when I saw this, it's all I was you all I could think about. He said it was a no-brainer for me. I don't have to worry about laundry, what I'm eating for dinner, chicken cutlets, and all that is waiting for me when I get there. My mom still makes my bed. Everything is handled for me. And I just thought about like you. That's like your dream.

And he's the Giants quarterback. It's a rags to riches story. Because if he wins two more games, somebody's going to pick him up. next year. Right. And it may be the Giants because he's a hometown fucking, you know, he's a Jersey boy. So listen, he gets all my fucking respect in the world. I'm happy, even if he doesn't win another game.

He was bartending. He won two NFL games. He's working with something. There's something there. Somebody has to pick him up and work with him, but the ball's in the heart of there. So, you know, I mean, the Giants weren't the best. best team in the world. It's not like he fell into the Dallas Cowboys

or, you know, the Kansas City Chiefs or something like that, a position. He fell into a hard fucking job, you know. So I give him all the credit in the world. He lost a game or two and then his confidence started to pick up, which is acceptable. And now he's got

two Ws. He needs two more and somebody will reach out next year and go, listen, come on over here for, you know. And you never know what this kid could do. What if the kid wins a Super Bowl in two years? Right. I mean, if the Giants don't take him next year,

what if this kid goes somewhere and wins a fucking Super Bowl? How great would that be? You know, that's why I get up and go, you see guys, nothing happens on the couch, cock suckers. Even if they had a Super Bowl in New York or New Jersey again and he was the quarterback for the Giants? Even if they lost, bro. That's just.

just to go from bartending to a fucking stage like the Super Bowl, that's fucking amazing where I come from, you know? So I'm happy for all that type of shit. I can't tell you that I sit by the TV and watch the game because they're brutal. I was doing something, you know, on the Lord's Day. I was moving around this Sunday. I've been busy, man.

Yeah, you seem like it. Really fucking busy for what's been going on in the world. You follow me? I picked up a voiceover for a kid show, a Nickelodeon show. Nice. I picked up another audition for an animated pilot. I picked up another voiceover. I picked up a regular audition for one of my favorite shows.

I hope it goes, you know. It's been fucking, I can't complain. I'm talking to the writer, hopefully Wednesday, get that party started. That's really awesome. And, yeah, no, I do the podcast with you. Boom. I'm good. That's a great dream.

The laughing gas keeps me in fucking potato chips and smoking the best reefer out there. They sent me these edibles. I didn't bring them in with me. Oh, my God. These tremendous edibles, they come in different flames and shit. Yeah, that took like three of them, not knowing. I didn't know they wanted to 75 milligrams. Oh, shit.

I took four of them because they taste really fucking good. And I took four of them. And I was talking to George, and he goes, bro, I ate a half of one. I'm still fucked up. And I'm like, I ate four of them. And then that night, I remember I came home yesterday, and it was at one point that I put ice on my leg. And I sat down and we were watching something.

It wasn't football, though. And last night before I went to bed, I went into my wook. and I went to log in that I was going to sleep, and it logged in a nap for 40 minutes. It was when I had the ice in my fucking foot because the edibles took me somewhere. Like, they took you so fast. You know what I'm saying?

Like, they went, ah, and then it just dropped me into a fucking... I've been there a couple of times. What, like, is it a gummy? Is it a chocolate? Gummies. $5,000 a piece? I'll save you some. You know what I'm saying?

We'll fuck you. We'll mix them with the ABX. Well, I need them because I went to go get some tonight, but I went and got my medical license here in mass today after work. It was one of the craziest. I can't believe I forgot to tell you, but this dude was very nice. He was like a 70-something, 80-year-old doctor, and he was giving me like a history lesson on marijuana,

but not the hard one, but like the medium. one, he said the N word twice. Like he, like not the hard one, but like the one that's still not great. He was telling me the history about it and saying like, like the doctors, just like the whoever that guy was, briefed for madness. They said the black people, uh,

one who smoked it. And then he just dropped that word twice. And I was like, I had to sit there because I wanted my medical license. But I didn't know what to do. I just didn't I just keep nodding Just yes and the dead You're right

Yeah Good you're right I haven't seen Rief of Madness As I was like fucking 14 No No You gotta be like 13

With a propeller on your head To watch that nonsense It's like whack and white You know It's got its moments But no It's nobody's Academy Award winner By far

I just miss the doctors in L.A. Like, I went to one on Ventura. I spent more time in the waiting room than I did, but the doctor, the doctor took three seconds. Yeah, he takes your blood pressure. He makes believe he gives a fuck. You know.

This guy, have 20 minutes on turpines. Yeah, no, it was great in L.A. The first time I got my license in like 30 minutes, he talks to you, you know, he's trying to cover the spread. He's asking you for the small 200. Oh. He's asking it for the small 200.

The first license I got was the small 200. And then the next time I re-up, it was like $99. Then it was $49 all day long. Then it was $29 worth of three hat. And now you don't have to go anywhere. You can do it on your phone. I guess. Yeah, that's how I did it.

Me, I mind my fucking business. I don't know nothing. My friend goes to L.A. comes back, he drops a little fucking anchorship off. It's got a couple buds in it, and I live happily, you know, month to month. Absolutely. I'm not going off the rails. I'm not smoking blunts.

I do the freeze pipe, you know, three times a day, morning, late afternoon, and 10.30, nappy no, no time. That's not bad. No, that's not bad. And the edibles, that's why I can't believe I ate them. Tonight I'm not. I'm in there. I think I got to do some things. I'm in there, but I'm not locked in, locked in like then, you know. You know how we do it, player. Oh, I can tell. No, no, no. You're doing, hey, you're doing a lot better than most people in a thousand milligrams. Yeah, a thousand plus because I ate the chocolate bar. The 2,500 bar, I ate the one, so it's got like maybe four things. It's four, it's 16 pieces. Remember, we did the math already. It's like 60. right

milligrams of piece I ain't four so that's another 240 you know who you think you're dealing with some fucking nods here I'm doing a fucking checkin

I gotta be tipped up McGoo I don't show up like other people fuck no you couldn't find bubbles you don't know

what happened the doctor you know they only sell tens over there that's why I had to get my license because they only sell fives

five so you ate 20 of them I had well no I had last week that's why I was so I, last week I finished up the ABX you gave me.

You don't fucking tell me. Well, then you said I got too. You know, I'm trying to, I had 10 tonight. I had 50. But yeah, I did 10 dummies. That's great. That's great. You could be fucking fentanyl all light and shit.

You don't know what you. What is it? Oh, my God. What is fentanyl of light? Oh, that's what? That's what they give me. They give you a fentanyl all fucking full. You know what I'm saying?

They got fentanyl on light, fentanyl on medium, and fentanyl on nappy nu, no, no. Yeah. Jesus Christ. So be careful. I'm doing my best. Right, right. What performances do you have this week? This week I have Wednesday night at, um, off the rails in Worcester.

And then Thursday through Saturday, I'm at the Kansas City Improv with George Wolf. Oh, shit. I'm so excited. It's going to be great. That's a great club. I think the lady's still there that runs it. Oh, that'd be great. And then my love.

She's good people. There was a dude there named Kevin. That's good people. It's crazy that you remember. What's that? That's crazy that you remember all these names. You have to, man. You know, after a while you,

it's so weird when you start to travel, and then you think of these people. once you're to a club like the second or third time, you saw it with me. When we go to Irvine, we became friends with the waitstaff. And then you go and the waitstaff would be gone and be somebody else there. And then one day you go to Tempe and that waitstaff that you don't see anymore,

is it the Tempe improv and you don't even know where you are, whether you're in Irvine, TEPA, or Brea. It's crazy. You become friends with them and then you picture them as you're flying in. By the plane is landing, you're like, oh, I remember her. I remember him now. Oh, shit. All right.

They text you before you land will be at the airport. And you go, oh, now I remember her. Oh, shit. This place has the pork chops. Oh, shit. The waitress sells weed. And now it all becomes, uh, it comes in full fucking focus. That's pretty awesome.

And it's, um, I'm, I'm excited about God. This is one, like I've heard really cool things about it. I've never been to Kansas City. I'm just happy to go. I'm really just happy to go and do real shows at, like, awesome clothes. He's got, he's got mushroom that look like my fungi toenail on the right. You saw those two? I saw them.

They're like government issue. Oh, my God. That late night Friday. Yeah, that's for people who come back from the war when they're a little wobbly. They give them those high-level ones. They look like baseball bats. Yeah, you're not going to hear stuff. I read up on those things.

You're not going to hear. Your hearing is going to leave because that's what it does. It stops you from hearing bombs. Oh, wait. I'm not going to hear noises, but I'm just going to be deaf. For a little while. You know, you're just going to hear like a little beep, and you're like somebody shot a gun next to you.

Oh. You're going to be armed. That's good. Oh, I'm really excited. You're tough. It tells, kid. I can't believe you're still out there pounding the fucking pavement like an animal. I'm proud of you.

And that's what that matters. And all you young comics that are watching this, this is just a lesson, man. We're just two fucking comedians talking about fucking the road and menus and what's next. And I'm proud of Lee for getting into this club. Hopefully they'll give them some love. Or as much as they can give them, it's a small club.

And, you know, it's a big area. A lot of comics everywhere, you know. Any area you move into now, You're going to be around a lot of comics And everybody has the same story Everybody brings their own feature act So that's where you have to decide what you want to do Take a week as an MC and get better as an MC

And meet another headliner and a feature act That you'll be friends with down the road Or where your ego takes you I'm a headliner, I'm another MC And then you decide from there I will emcee for anybody me too I'll still emcee for anybody

if I emceed you know what I'm saying maybe I could emcee virtually you could no knock it the fuck off I know you're not going to but oh no no no if I am but when I was working

I always emceed even when I was trying to be a really good feature act if Josh Wolf got a week feature I would go with him and fucking do guess that for free as long as I could sleep on the floor with a fucking blanket, I'm good.

You know what I'm saying? I was that type of dude. I always knew that a set would make me that much stronger. Some people would go, I'm not doing a guest set there. Fuck that guy. You don't have to like him.

But if you'd get a guest set out of the guy and work a joke, that's more than whatever personal feelings you have for the guy. At one point in comedy, for you to move forward, you got to drop your fucking personal feelings, you know,

and just attack that motherfucker like a set. You have a goal every year. You got to hit 300-something fucking sets, and you're here telling me you don't get along with the guy. You don't like him because he busted your balls once. You know how you bust his balls? Go in there and rock that fucking room. Go in there and unhinged the fucking doors.

And then walk past them and go, follow that bitch. Sorry about that. I got emotional when I talk about that type of shit. Do you... And then, like, that's your advice? That's crazy. That's my advice.

I told you, man, one of the biggest lessons I learned. There was a booker in Seattle, God rest of soul, a point somewhere where she just didn't like me. And she told a friend of mine, I'm not going to book him anymore. Okay, I took that. But she had 20,000 rooms. And I couldn't take that answer.

So I knew she didn't like me for a reason that had nothing to do with stand-up. And I called her every Wednesday. They said, do you mind if I go to this room and do a guest set? What are you going to say? She would go, yep, and she would be angry, and I knew it burned her up. And I would go every once a week, I did one of our rooms for free. Even the club owners would go, how come we haven't seen you? And I would never bad mouth her.

I don't know, she's just starting to book me now. Hopefully you'll give them a good report. I knew I would never be back at that club. But it didn't matter. I was getting better I got there was a there was a it was like a four month run where I just did one of her rooms

once a week to burn her because because she didn't like me for something specific that had nothing to do with our comedy and I had to be it she didn't want to pay me fine don't pay me but I'm still going in there do a motherfucking gas set and then that's

it's just interesting how to deal with like with people who might not like you. Because, yeah, I get not nervous about it, but I guess kind of nervous about, like, that's why I think I was so stuck on a specific set that I just wanted to do well. I just, I get so on your head with this stuff.

Dog, I don't care who I was showcasing for or what I'm doing. I'm getting a set out of this motherfucker. So even if I got a set that I'm afraid to get away from, that's cool. I understand that. I want you to try something new in the middle. Because if you have that much confidence in your set,

you're going to have, if it's an eight-minute set, I want you to slip in at the four-minute mark after you're already likable. Feel how the joke feels, because you probably try it at an open mic, and there's eight people. But now you're going to try it in front of an audience that likes you. There's more than 30 people in there.

and then if the joke goes forward there you go mental note if it doesn't you got your four minutes to close up with that you have so much confidence in right I always want you to get something out of the fucking set always take something from that set you're bombing

that's why you turn on the improv for a second make sure that improv works and don't get angry interesting if you open up that field don't get angry if the guy clobbers you. But if you're there for 20 minutes and you're up at 10, you're in a bar and you're doing 20 minutes and you have 10 mark,

they're giggling, they're starting to say shit, and you get into a heckling mark with him. No, not that he's funny. I don't want you to let the comedy turn into a temper and for you to say something wrong and now you turn the audience on you for sure. And that's a mistake, a lot of young comics, well fuck you man I'm never coming to this dump again

wrong answer you didn't have them from the beginning don't let your ego get in front of you you didn't have them from the beginning you're trying to bail yourself out and now at the end you dump on the place or you dump on the host or you dump on any other comedian

or fuck you you laughed at the guy with the organ you just blew your fucking whole night I want you to go out there and leave there on your feet, it's okay to have a bad set. That's what's great about tomorrow. Or what's great about that fucking bone out that does comedy at midnight

that you don't like to go to because everybody's drunk. Well, you ain't such a bag of dicks here, you might as well go down there and earn your fucking stripe tonight. There's always an answer to a bomb. Do not be scared to bomb. Please, once you take, that safety net off, your comedy career goes 80% high. Don't be scared to bomb. The common mistake

of young comedians, and I did it for years, once you were losing him, was to panic. Never panic. Take a step back and go back to basics. Goof on yourself. While this ain't working, I guess I got to stop fucking doing heroin now. And just take them until something else comes to your mind. don't let them see you sweat, correct? I've never thought about it like that, but it makes sense. It explains why some sets have gone bad for me. Absolutely. You got at one point in your career, the five, six year level,

it's time to take your safety at all. It's time to work differently. It's time to go up there to bomb. You went up there to bomb? Yeah, go up there to bomb. I want you to go up there and see how it is to really bomb. you already established yourself. Now go up there and see what it's really like the bomb.

How are you guys doing tonight? Look at you. Where's you coming from? Buffalo. Oh, your wings are tired. Just go up there and see the real feeling of a bomb. And get off and giggle about it. And you'll go, wow, that's what it feels like the bomb.

That ain't that bad. I'd rather do that than go up and rely on my material for 10 years because I'm scared to take a fucking chance. Holy shit. That freaks me out so much. Like, have you heard of people say an intrusive thought? Have you heard people talk about it? It's like when you're driving over a bridge and some people like, oh, maybe I should drive off a bridge.

I've thought before going on stage sometimes and I'm like, I'm freaking out that maybe I should just say, like, just really eat shit on purpose just because it's going to go bad anyways. But like, I don't want you to eat shit on purpose. But I also, when you go to be. these open mics, I want you to go up there to bomb every once in a lot. Oh my God. It's like, it's like, you know what it's like you being a fighter in training. And before the fight, I take your side and go, Lee, we got a problem tonight. We got a problem.

You got to go down the third round. Not in the fourth round and the third. You got to take one for the team. You know, we got your back. We got ourselves into a situation. Yeah, but at least hopefully in that. that case, like maybe you only take one punch to the face. You're not bombing on purpose for 10

minutes. No, I'm going to go to the other guy and tell him to punch in the stomach until you bleed out your ears just to have fun. You know what I'm saying? Oh, Jesus. No, you know what I'm saying? I mean... No, but I can't imagine going up there a bomb on purpose. Lee, that's

why it's so interesting how I turned the bomb away from you guys, young comics, medium comics. This is how I didn't give a fuck. when I lived in Seattle at the six and seven year mark, there were nights I went up there to bomb, and I bail myself out.

I'd put myself in a hole, and then I'd take myself out of the hole. That takes a couple of weeks. Let's have some fun in your career. That takes a couple weeks. And then you learn how to maintain it. Like, you know, before they say boo, how to, before tomato comes up

and you got to use your dodging skills, now you got to learn how to work them back here. Look at you motherfuckers. You don't know who you're dealing with, blah, blah, blah, wow. Just start talking, get them excited. And then you hit them and boom, you win them over. And then now you're like, see,

you motherfuckers thought I was some fucking bum from across the street. I was just trying shit on you. And you explain your point and you goof again on them. And then you get the fuck out of there. Joey Banana Do you think you got some fucking novice here? I never even thought about that. You would build bad jokes into your set

so that the good jokes would be better like hit harder. That's a fucking like evil genius. Like you like this. Come on, I love all these. I have bad jokes in here on purpose. Yeah, you want to talk chicken?

I'll talk chicken with you motherfuckers. You, you know, dog, I took a lot of. When I go to these rooms that didn't matter, I'd still respect the comedy, but I'd go off the deep end a little bit. How do you think I got that confidence to do that in the comedy store? Because I never did it before? Because no, that's what you need. That's what's going to sell you, your character.

We're going back to just be yourself. So tonight, you look on the paper and write. out the best version of yourself. Would you, how would you tell me to suck your cock? I want you to write it 20 different ways. I want you to write it angry and I want you to write it funny. That we're going to laugh at it. This is the music of words and this is where you start to learn tone.

And what do you mean by tone? How to use your voice. Like volume? Volumes. Heavy. Went to steamroll them. went to pull back a little bit, just throw some jabs at them.

And like how many, like, let's say for example, because I got, now I'm just building it, let's say you had this joke and you could either pull back or steamroll them and like how would you do each, would you do it three times each, four times? Like, how would you decide which one was the best? To see where they go.

Listen, once you cemented the joke for a weekend, once you took the joke to Kansas City, for a weekend and you fucking cemented the joke now it's got to go somewhere now you got to start adding things for that and now that's where the beauty really starts

and even if you could write the joke like me I could always write the joke but I really couldn't add that much beauty to it so I had to turn it into storytelling we'll get to that some other fucking podcast right now just learn how to bomb gracefully

That's the most important fucking thing. You've already felt what a good set feels like. Right. Now you've got to feel what a fucking bad set looks like. What a bad set feels like. And know this, that you'll learn how to never feel that way by learning how to control your sets. I don't give a fuck where you start.

It's where you finish. And it's not a fucking race. It's a marathon. Some of the best comics I've ever seen, a comics that could hold your attention and talk and just gracefully go into a joke. Anybody could machine gun on you like me. Anybody could tell a story.

There's guys with a real crassman. We'll get to those later. Good luck this week with your sets, cock suckers. I love you guys. Stick around. I got to talk to you about Manscape. It's time to shave your ball sack. The checking is brought to you by Manscape.

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