The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Episode #14 - Joey Diaz is a closet pyro

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

This week on The Check In Joey Diaz talks with Lee Syatt about the first album he tripped to, comradarie among comedians, his thoughts on Matt Riffe and more! This show is supported by: Support the show and get 10% off your entire Freeze Pipe order at https://www.thefreezepipe.com with code DIAZ   Support the show and download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code JOEY. New customers can bet just 5 bucks on the NBA action & score $150 instantly in bonus bets.   This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://betterhelp.com/DIAZ  and get 10% off your 1st month.    

You know me, trying to put the pieces together, always. What's up, gentlemen? How are you doing, Uncle Joey? What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? Thanks, buddy. I appreciate that. I wasn't talking to Lee. I'm talking to you two other people. No, I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I didn't say that.

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They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. I thought what Joey could do it. I can fucking rule the world. Actually, you got to be thinking. Welcome back to shit! How you doing? Doug, you have no idea what happened to me tonight, guys.

I had a great day. I had lunch with my brother. Went to give blood. Went to the gym. I had to make calls today. And I get home about three, and it's the same old song and dance. I'm fucking dying at three.

I wait for mercy to come in. I talked to it for a little while. Tells me about a homework a day. and then as soon as she goes to do homework, I slip into the bedroom and it's nappy noonu time. Every day three? Every day at three. But today I was real,

lately I think I took one nap last week. But I took this little fucking nappy noonoo. I get up about 4.30. I'm like, whoa, I got to get up and get ready for these edibles. But when I got up, I was out of it. And I slept good last night. I got seven and a half last night. I went to bed at the night.

11 and I woke up at 5 the first fucking time to pee. That's like a record for Uncle Joey, right? So I get up at 4.30, I brush my teeth, I listerina, I wash my face, you know, the whole

thing, and I come downstairs, I drink some water, and all of a suddenly, I'm starting to fucking, you know, like when you're about to puke. Really? Yeah. Are you eating the edibles?

Are you just sitting there? No, no, no. I hadn't eaten the edibles yet. Oh, shit. And then the next thing you fucking know, I'm over there with my shirt off, sweating profusiously. And, dog, I was going to call you at like 615

and go, I don't know about the night, guys. And I got up, I took a tremendous fucking dump. The whole time I was going to puke. And I drank a, IV, liquid IV dog within 10 minutes. The phone started ringing and I'm talking to people.

You know, so it's a beautiful thing. That's how quick I got. I got a little buzz to me. I got my little... What did you do you do with your lunch today? I had a steak and chicken and rice. Jesus Christ.

I got a new toy now. You know what I went to light. I took such a disgusting shit. I had to put a candle up and I couldn't find a light. I don't feel like walking to the garage. So I blasted it with this. The candle almost melted. I don't even know why.

I don't even know how I got. I don't even know what this is. Hold on. Let's be honest. Let's all go. You love that lighter and you're lighting. You've never had a candle. I guess you didn't have a candle in the office.

I think you love, you just love lighting shit with that lighter. You know, me, I'm a closet. Whatever the fuck you call those people. not a klepto, whatever a pyro. Piro, yeah. I just love to say, my first career

at the age of five, I was a pyro. I was a pyro from five to like fucking seven until the fire department came and that was it. That was the end of my pyro career. Five to seven.

Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. And now like when I'm saying, like it's it is crazy to me that you don't do dabs. I would think dabs will be right up your alley. Listen, man, if I need a blowtorch to get high,

it's time for a different fucking party. You might as well shoot the heroin in it. Go to Saudi Arabia, pick up a pound, and take your chances like midnight express. Holy shit. I need a bloat's in my fucking house to get high and stuff. And yeah, people say it's cleaner. I get it.

But I'm old school. Listen to that lung, cuck, sucker. If I do 10 dabs now, the lung will be gone. This motherfucker's holding on. Pretty soon I'll be on a list. Pretty soon I'll be on a list. I'm fucking along. I have to wait for a trombone player to die or something like that.

Are you really going to be on a list? I don't know, but you never know. You know, anything could happen. Those dams are crazy. They're fucking nuts. And they make them stronger and stronger. And, you know, I just, I like to get high to enjoy it. I like the taste of the marijuana.

I'm a fucking old school type of dude You do it for a reason Listen, I've quit every fucking thing I've done And I'll tell you what I don't even think about quitting marijuana I take some days off I call you know Some nights I don't feel like smoking

And that's fine Some mornings I leave here at 8 And you know I don't get high until 2, 2.30 So bam, it's life, you know but you don't have it you've never once considered quitting weed why it's the last piece of what and who the fuck I am

I'm a fucking old fag now I don't do nothing I don't mug bear I don't do nothing I don't call bookies no more than harassing I don't do nothing when were you calling bookies I don't know I'm just telling you that you know wheels so in my world right now

And it's been like that for years. It's like when I call my daughter at night, she comes down here with a fucking teddy bed. It's a purple one, a big one, you know. And I'm like, and I don't even say nothing. I can't say nothing to you about that. But it's like my teddy bear. It's the last piece of, I went to the gym the other day,

and I was working out and I put on Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon. Why, I don't know. It was there. I haven't listened. to it. And there were parts of that where that's the first time I ever fucking tripped it. What did you do for

that one? I had an acid. And I, on a six pack of Miculope. I was about 13, you know. 13. Yeah. And I fucking went home. I was so high about 40. I did the acid like at one on a Sunday.

And I was so fucking high. I went home like about six. At night. At night. And I got home, I tried to get home before dinner. And I fucking went into that room and I had these posters like basketball. I was a geek, you know.

I had like Led Zeppelin and like Michael Corrin and the McDonald's all-star, you know. And I'll never forget at one point. I said, fuck it. This ass is too strong. And I had an eight-track player. And I had Dark Side of the Moon on eight-track. And I popped that motherfucker in.

And all of a sudden, I started seeing things. and I was like, wow, because Pink Floyd had mixed in with my thoughts and what I was seeing on the poster. And the next thing you know, man, I got up the next morning. Like, I slept the whole night. And when I woke up, I puked in the middle of night, but I didn't go to the bathroom. I just twisted my head and puked on my shoulder. When I woke up the next morning, I had a dead piece of fucking gum. And my shirt smelled like a fucking brewery.

but anyway who cares to talk about that let's talk about you Lee Syed how was the weekend in Kansas City thank you very much it was fantastic it was one of the best weekends I've had in a while

it was really it was really really fun talk to me what happened Thursday night break it down so it was just a really I've had like pretty good weekends recently

but like you know like there's always a show or two like It doesn't go the way you want it to go. No, you got five shows. You're going to die two out of five. Well, this one, and that's what usually happens. And this one, pretty much every show,

there was one show that I didn't do as well as I would have liked, but it was still, like, it was just a very good weekend. The staff was really amazing. Like, the coolest part, or one of the coolest parts was, like, the manager sat me down and, like, took me through her plan for features. And, like, what it would be like to work. there, what she looks for in a feature, like putting shows together. And it was like just cool to see

like someone's actually putting like thought into it and like what it would look like if I went back. And it was just very cool. Listen, when I got into comedy, there were a lot of comedy clubs at the time that had people who talk to you. You know, in the mid-90s, comedy club owners talked to you. Today I

Or yesterday A couple days ago One of the guys I used to talk to a lot about the essence of comedy Was a guy who did comedy Did sketch Got married and he moved on to Be the comedy club manager in Seattle His name was Carl Wormonohler

He was there Mondays and Tuesdays for the open mics Oh, that's cool He cared And then there were comedy club owners or general managers that they cared and a lot of them knew me spoke to me but they didn't care for my type of comedy at the time and that was cool

at least they told you that right absolutely but one of the clubs that had it when I came back in 94 was the comedy works in Denver they had a writing class on Tuesdays and then from the writing class you went down to the open mic Okay And it was

And then after the writing After the open mic You talk to the comic again And he was a good good dude His name was Matt Something We'll remember by the end of the show So I understand what you're saying

By a manager took the time It's a lot of fucking fun Man There are some good people Still fucking left in the business Yeah And her name is Amanda And she was laughing

Because she said you called her during the pen. She said, you're like one of the only ones and you would call her and just make sure she was okay. And it was just,

yeah, it was, uh, it was cool to see. It was just nice. I have like, because I, on Wednesday before I left on Thursday,

I had like a terrible set. It was, like I was just one where like, people were just staring at me. And I fought them a little bit and got them a little bit, but it was just to go. And then just Josh's crowds are amazing. So it's,

I've been very lucky. It was also cool because I wrote a joke with Josh on Thursday, and I just did, I rewrote it, and I did it every show Friday and Saturday. And, like, just working on it, like, because I normally would never have the balls to do that. I always almost always do new stuff only at open mics. And to test something out. brand new was pretty cool. It's always very cool when a joke works.

But what's cooler is when you work with somebody that you kind of have a camaraderie with that actually Josh and I did that 30 years ago. From 95, from the time I met John, like in 97 and 98, we worked together, 96 and 97, We knew each other's act. And he would tell me things.

I would tell him things. And I'll never forget, by moving to Los Angeles, we lost half that act. Because it was Seattle-attitude, Seattle-based, you know. So it's really weird how even in the beginning in L.A., we're very helpful to one another. And that's something that you remember forever.

That's why we're still so very tight. After all the years and all the LA drama, he got it and I got it how important we were to each other at one time of our lives. But it's very nice to see that he's doing it with you and his son now. Oh, it's been so much fun. And it's just like the level that he's at is just like the way he looks at writing and performing

has been very cool. And seeing him and Jake have a great time together. Jake, for people who don't know, he's a 26-year-old son, and they do a ton of stuff online. They have a podcast, but they, he's been doing stand-up for seven months, and he's doing like 10 to 15

up front and doing, like, a great job. Okay. Listen, he grew up around it. When you grow up around it, it's like you. You sat there like fucking Johnny Mummy, eating edibles. But the whole time, you were listening.

You were listening. listening and that's very important to see people don't have one of the guys I always talk about is Jason Lucas one of my dearest friends in L.A. I see Jason Lucas I stop what I'm doing I give him a big hug he gives me a big hug because we go back to the comedy cabana in Myrtle Beach South Carolina 1997 maybe no yeah 97 98 and he came up to me he came up to me he

was like an MC or an open micer. And he goes, how's L.A? And I'm like, here, another guy is going to tell me he's moving out there. He's like, I'll be out there in two months. And I'm like, okay, I'll see you out there. Say hello at the store. And one night, he's in the back watching. And he did that every night.

He paid the 15 bucks to go in there. And he just watched all those comics. And it was a whole different set of comics back there. It wasn't Bill Burr or, you know, nothing like that. It was Rogan, Paul Mooney, you know. And then six months later, it became a doorman. And then two years later, him, Steve Simone, Rick Ramos, they became regulars. And I was there that night.

And Doug, it was one of the best nights of my life just seeing Steve Simone got drunk. Really? Oh, he was crying. You know, he gets emotional. That was the biggest night of his life. Rick Ramoz was on the phone in the hallway with his mother crying. And just to see that, I was like, damn, I wish I had a mother to share my experiences. But just to see that was so cool.

The camaraderie in comedy is one of the best fucking camaraderies you'll ever, for me. For me, there's something about you have friends, and then there's certain comics that, We just have a camaraderie, you know, and he may live in L.A. And I live in New York, but when we see each other, we give each other the load down, and we know what's going up. If I hear about something, I call him. If he hears about something, he calls me. But then to take it back that early, when you were typically broke,

because me and Josh were doing comedy for, we'd split $140 three ways. For a show? Yeah. We did, like, if he had a feature spot in Portland, Oregon, and he was making $300, he'd take me with him. I'd sleep in the room next to him and fucking go do spots because I wasn't doing anything else. That's awesome.

And he'd throw me $50, whatever. I wasn't going down there looking for the money. We did that all the time when I lived in Seattle. We did that for two years. After like six months, and he gave me. I had, he got. And any gig he got, I got. And it was a constant. And when

you're an open mic or going into that feature, you'll never forget that. Like, you look at me a fat fuck now. There was a time when I would, like at lunch, I'd eat ramen. And all I'd wait for is for that show. So I could go to the comedy club

and eat something. Plus, get money after the show. And we go to McCormick and Schmitz and chop up 50 bucks. It was a $2 menu back then. You know, that's why I'm so loyal to McCormick and Schmitz. Whenever we go to San Jose, that's

the first place we went to after motherfucking, that place, the Italian place. It's great, because, like, a lot of comics talk about like being competitive. Or, like, even on podcast, I hear comics talking about, like, how competitive

it is. But it is also, like, I don't, at least at my level, I haven't really experienced. that. Like, it's all been, like, everyone's super nice. You go out to eat after, you have a drink after a show. It's not like you're taking it from anybody. You go to an open mic. You go to a couple open mics. Your friends with a good comedian in your area, whether it's Denver, Chicago, Boston. And you go to open mics. And, you know, there's some open mics that are better than others. Yeah. You know As you know, there's some open mics that

You know, or whatever And then there's some open mics that What audience goes, they pay attention The whole people Do you get a couple bucks to drive home You know, it's a nice open mic He puts up by nine people Now about nine people he puts out including yourself

There's going to be one person in there That it's you and him he's a good host, starting to feature strong, and you're in the same position. You got two options. You open up your heart to the guy. If he's a scumbag, then fuck him.

But if you open up your heart to him and he opens up your heart to you, remember, two heads are better than one. And that's where you learn. Like, when I started doing that with Josh, it taught me to learn how to work together. It was like my daycare for comedy. I was at this fifth year, six year,

and now I was allowed to play in the sandbox with the other savages. And it just wasn't myself and him. There was a couple other people in our crew that we run, Rod Long, we breathe for one another. He was a headliner. So if he got a gig, I was part of it. And if Josh Wolf didn't mind featuring, he'd fucking take the gig and guess what?

The second show, I'd switch with him, and I'd host him and let Josh feature it. That's no ego comedy. But then you move to a competitive place, like Los Angeles. Right. Los Angeles, you start looking at people that you met five, six years ago that couldn't follow you. And now you get to L.A., and they're getting spots every night. Right.

Now you have to look at it from a perspective of, like, I hate this guy. And there's not going to be one of those guys. There's going to be three of those guys. You've been doing comedy for eight, nine years, ten years. You know when you get to LA, you're going to not know to build birds and shit like that because they bring their own feature. But you're going to know a majority of comics. And a lot of guys you thought you were funnier than they're going to be kicking ass in that way. And that, because I can see it would be annoying because I definitely get jealous of people when I see some of their shows.

But it's also sometimes when I look at a comic and I, And I think I'm better than them. And I see that they're doing stuff. I'm like, oh, then I can definitely do it. Well, that takes time. Like I said, going over that home takes time. And once you get over that hump and you're in L.A., again, you open your heart to your friends.

If they're scumbags, that's it. You don't throw, you know, you don't throw them shit no more. I was thinking about a gig. I got this audition. I wanted to be on the show. so bad called like Kingpin or something on NBC

it was the guy that we did the podcast with from Scarface got it okay it was Emilio Rivera it was Danny Trejo this is I'm talking

if it's 2024 this has to be 2002 2003 I'll never forget getting this auditioning going, Doug, I'd be fucking, I'd be, I would love to get this. It's a guest star.

I would love to get this. But the more and more I read it, I saw two people. I saw Louis Guzman. And I think he was on the show already. I don't know, because this was like one of the early episodes, like episode three. I had one of the biggest chances.

of my life. You know, like going in there for episode three. But the whole time, Lee, I didn't feel comfortable because the guy for this role was Rudy Moreno. Okay. I just felt Rudy. I just felt fucking Rudy for this episode. And I got in there and I learned the audition.

I went to a coach. At that time, my coach was 20 bucks. He was a black guy that was brilliant, gay guy, but he had HIV. I don't know what happened to him. I lost fucking touch with him. He taught an acting class and he taught. Then if he liked you, he, you know, he worked with you individually.

God bless his soul, wherever he is. I remember I had an audition. I got late and he met me at one in the morning. Oh, no shit. Yeah. I lived on like, I don't know, Hollywood and Schrader or Hollywood somewhere. And he lived like maybe eight blocks away on Gower. Okay.

And he'd go to the Denny's by God. hour and I'll work with you. And I remember that. We went over it inside, but then we went to the parking lot. It's two in the morning. I'm in him rehearsing at a parking lot. People walking past us. It was fucking tremendous. That's a really cool story.

I don't know if I ever got the roll or not. I don't remember, but I just remembered it now as I was telling it to you. Because I called them a couple of times late. 8 o'clock. You know, in those days, you were getting an audition at 7. 715 they call you and go joy we have an audition for you at 11 o'clock tomorrow you already got a spot at the store at 1130 right and you got to go down there to pick up your 15 bucks god forbid and i i know obviously know what a coach does but like what why do you like getting a coach for an audition at that point i needed i needed

to bookshed and acting class was great I was taking cold reading and scene study class and that was great. But you, with a coach, he shows you things that he opens up things for you, that you're not seeing. Like little things, like, I want you to think about the moment before you go in that room and call that woman a fucking bitch. What are you feeling? You know, like stupid shit. He'll highlight things for you. on that paper

that only an experienced actor would see that you don't see still because you're green. It's very helpful. It's very helpful. And did you ever, was there a role that you did that you had a coach that really helped?

I had a couple coaches. One was later on and she was pretty expensive. But I remember, like, it was like an investment. It was like, you're getting this role for skills, plus 10%.

Let's throw a round figure up there. It's $700, right? And what the fuck? I can never adjust this. It's a nightmare right there. Let's say you're getting $700 for the day. Now out of that, you've got to pay a commission.

That's $70. You've got to pay taxes. All right. I don't know. Maybe you clear $480, right? let's just she wanted like a hundred dollars for a half hour

Jesus So Think about it It was Very Like I went out Like I remember going out two times in a row I'm booking two co-stars

And I was pretty impressed Because the investment was worth it But by that time That was a lot of money This lady coached like fucking real people, you know? I mean, how come you don't think there's that in stand-up? Or is there that? I haven't heard of that.

What's that? Hold on one second. Before we get the stand-up and the craziness that comes in stand-up, one of the best things about doing stand-up where I fucked up was, the laugh factory in L.A. offers counseling on Monday nights to comics for the low end of the sag, whatever, like $29. And I guess she had worked with people before, and a lot of people were going to see her,

and I made an appointment, I chickened out. And I wish I would have gone to see her at that point. I wouldn't have ended up burnt out or whatever. Sometimes the same happens in life. Check out my thing for BetterHelp.com. You're going to love it. Better help is who I joined when I got here. And now, boom, I'm fucking tip-top Magoo.

Check this out. What's up, dog? I'm doing great, buddy. All right. Let's do it. Are you feeling okay? Yeah, I feel great. All right.

All right, let's go. So we were talking about why doesn't it work for stand-up? When you ask that question, I have to answer it from two ways. You know, I don't fucking know. For me, it wasn't going to work for me. Unless, listen, something that I learned from Phil Jackson was, when he was a player, I wanted to stab him in the heart. He was the worst Nick in the world.

But you know, guy, that guy went on to win, I don't know, six championships with two teams or something like that. He saw the game from a different perspective. And I like that. And so I'm coming to you from two. I can't really agree with you. I can't take somebody's money to coach them, Lee. Unless I really, really like what they're doing on stage. And after a point of coaching, I have to manage them.

because if I think they're that good and they stayed with me for six months and I'm not raping nobody, you know. I mean, just speaking, and it doesn't even have to be you, but if it was someone like a comic that I trusted or someone who I trusted, I would love that.

Like, I'm so jealous in a very good way of Eric and everyone who gets to be like a door guy at the store because, like, there's an actual path to, like, being a halfway decent standup, you would think. And there's nowhere else. That's like the only place.

So there was a place where I could go and get like advice that I trusted. And I'm like not even just stand up, but like career stuff. How about a game? I've been there. Eric took me there. Going there and let's some tight tight type of time and tell them you need some advice. That's not the advice I'm looking for. Bust out the lollipops.

And there'll be yum yums before Christmas concept. That's bad advice. The best, closest thing for that is. The closest thing to that is is hoping that when you move wherever the fuck you live, New York, Miami,

Los Angeles, wherever the fuck you live, that you have two other guys, maybe three, that you really trust. For me, it would be Felipe. you know, Willie Barsena and like Adam Bernhardt from the store.

He's a really, he teaches stand up at the store and he used to dear friend of mine and I remember him dissecting stuff for me. For some people, for them to come up to me and dissect my shit, I just saw you bomb three times in a row. Right.

And you're going to come up to me because of death on me. Jokes. So I don't know I gotta see where you're coming from The guy Matt Woods Who taught the writing class Remember I told you I remember his name

Yeah He ended up becoming a coach for a couple comics You know I don't remember their names right now One I do And I don't know I'd rather manage you If you want

the way I would and make the choices for you or help you make the choices, then pay you make you pay me out of pocket. You follow them saying to you? So if we start for 90 days, six months, and I see what I like as far as where you're going, you know, at that level, how you're acting around that, how you're acting around that. I'm going to sneak up on you a bar,

I'm going to sneak up on you on comedy clubs. I have to sit in the back and watch. I'm not going to tell you I'm going to see you. I'm not there to break your balls. I'm going to know what time of your schedule is, and I'm going to slip in the back, tell you a couple things, and we'll talk on Monday.

I'll get out of your hand, let you go get your dick sucked or whatever it is you're going to do. I'm not going to go in the green room and hi, how are you doing? Back in the day, I knew Kennison. That doesn't do nothing for me. But I can help, you know, like, yeah, if I had the time and,

stuff and you were somewhere local or something. I can't I can't judge myself on a tape. So I'm not going to try to judge anybody on a tape. Right. I can see when you walk in, I got to fucking see your demeanor before you get on

stage. But again, most importantly what happens? Because I'm putting a big investment into you. So if I see you fucking stumbling out of there a couple of times, I can't work. Then I have to take you money because you're a fucking retard. You're not looking at it for what it is. I'm not looking for John

Lennon. I'm looking for it because right now listen I really noticed something the last 10 years I was doing comedy. There was nobody on the road with drug problems. Oh wow. Like no comedians. Look at all those clubs and all the comics that went out every weekend. They're all connected. And you heard little mumblings. There's one comedian that I love him like a brother

that's never going to happen and I wish he someday but besides that it's not accepted anymore to do drugs and be like out of it on the road I don't need you coming to my bar I don't need you coming to my comedy club

with your fucking feature act and your fucking emcee and five of your buddies I don't appreciate you guys drinking seven bottles of tequila I don't need that and for your fucking door guy to get into a fight with My door guy. I don't need your wife to go out there and act like the first lady of fucking comedy.

I don't need that. I got 20 other comics. I could come in here and destroy it. They don't even say a fucking peep. They're just lucky to be paying them the money I'm giving them. You're coming in there acting like Led Zeppelin in 73. They're going to pay it out for you. It's crazy how some people take advantage like that.

You don't hear about comp. Listen, when I have. When I was in comedy, when I got into comedy, there was a lot of comics with problems. I was one of them, but I didn't matter. I didn't matter. There was the features and headliners. And then when I became a feature, there was little resurgence again. I still remember being a fucking, you know, at my club in Denver, people snorting fucking tons of coke in the green room.

You know, the headline of bring a bag with them. And everybody was back there doing yum-yums. I was not part of the group that people say they got paid in cocaine. No, I remember one time I got money and they gave us a bonus in cocaine in Texas. But that's what you were doing comedy for the cartel. You didn't even know it. Jesus Christ. What do you think?

Why do you think it's where it is now where people aren't getting fucked up? Is it just because you won't get work? I don't know. It's a different generation. You know, I don't know if Tim Dillon drinks. I don't think, you know, the only guy I know that's a fucking nut is Bert. Right. Do whatever the fuck he wants in the club.

He can let himself on fire. Oh, yeah. He's going to break the record for booze anyway. And he doesn't, I haven't heard anything of him being like out of it in any show. He don't miss shows. He don't cancel shows because he's hung over. Bert is the ultimate fucking professional when it comes for that shit.

That was the only show that I didn't love myself this weekend was the show I was a little hungover for. And it was, I was fine, but in my brain, my brain just felt like a little bit like not connected. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm going to get to that in a second.

To finish that story, I went to this audition, my dick was hard, I walked in there at a Monday, at 10 a.m. It was in the valley. In fact, that building where I went into, it was close to where we lived.

It was like up Laurel Canyon, make it right, like two blocks down on the corner. It was on top of a flower shop or something like that. Okay, yeah. Anyway, I walked in there, fucking, everybody was in the room, and there were three people in the room. I read, they liked the reading,

but the one lady said to me, I got to be honest with you, you did a phenomenal. no job. You're just not right for this. And I go, thank you. I didn't think so either, but I didn't want to cancel. But I just want to grab a piece of paper. I wanted to tell you who is right for the job. And they looked at me and I go, Rudy Moreno. And she goes, who? And then the one girl went on IMDB and she goes, yeah, maybe. I go, trust me, it's him. Three days later, Rudy called me. He got the job. That's awesome. They called him right at the house. I would say, I still remember his number.

That's how many times I talked to Rudy on the phone. I didn't get Rudy a gig. I got Rudy a fucking guest star. That's when it was like $2,600 for a guest star. And that's how I knew I was opening up my door. My thing, something was going to come my way now. I just, I didn't fight for this because I knew it didn't matter. Even if they took me to producers because, whatever.

But anyway, who gives a fuck about me? Talk to me about your adventure with the mushrooms. Oh, shit. So sometimes late show Friday, there's a magical show. So we do mushrooms after I go on. And we have a great time. And the first half of the night was, we were just laughing. The drive back to the hotel, the manager drove us home.

It was awesome. It was dying, laughing. but I got up to my hotel room and for like the first time ever it went dark like it was like the only way I could think of describing it would be like ultra depression

and I've never like it was I ended up just listening to my set from that night and it took me out of it it took my focus out of it so I was fine but it was like I've never experienced like just like it was like

and if I'd let it my thoughts go for a second, it would just go right back into it. It was really crazy. I've never had that happen. Has that happened to you? Has it gotten dark? When I was younger, 1980, 82, I was doing acid late night, and I would go home and then fuel it with cocaine, and that would light the acid on fire.

And I'd play like Pink Floyd the Wall or, and when you listen to that shit, You know, back then, it took you through a magnitude of emotions. Like, you cried, you giggled, you laughed. You cried, and then you wiped your tears giggling, like, how far now, you know. You're going through a fucking trip. Yeah, then I was going through the TV, and I hit that scene with Denzel and Man on Fire.

Which one? Excuse me. When he's in his room, I didn't say excuse you to you. I didn't excuse me for burping. he was in his room and he's hammered and he's doing all this shit I still remember doing that on acid really

yeah acting like just having a conversation with yourself you're in there deep you're deep in the murky waters you're going through shit I'm not going to tell you I had a gun in my hand with a no no that's not what I'm saying but I still remember

he was doing it with a bottle yeah you know when I saw that scene I really enjoy I go he's hitting home right now because that's what happens when you get high by yourself and at one point of the night

the acid the cocaine to speak it becomes a psychosis the alcohol you go into like a fucking weird psychosis it's enjoyable for some it's not enjoyable for others it's scary you wake up a little depressed in the morning

because how you acted in the mirror of the night before I've never looked in the mirror but yeah it was definitely strange and like my brain I was up until like six I thought about calling you for a second at like five I was like should I call Joan

I don't hear that fucking phone it's crazy you wake up in the morning and there's fucking three missed calls you know people get hammered friends of mine and dog I don't hear that fucking thing ring like right now

like right now When I finish with this, there's a football game. I've got to eat dinner. I'll plug this phone in. I'll come back here at 10. It's not like anybody's calling me at 8 for auditions anymore. You know, like I said to you, 20 years ago, 20, 15 years ago from fucking 6 o'clock to 7.

You better be home with a pen and a piece of paper. Because everyone will call you after the, like, at the end of the day. Yeah, I go at the supermarket with Terry, and all of a sudden I get a fucking call. Hey, I got to talk to you. Jeff, call me back in 15 minutes. I have to pay the fucking Ralph thing, and we shoot home. And I get in, what's going on? Listen, you got a call back for producers,

but I got you an audition for something else. It's your callback is at 3.30, but this is at 3. You know, it was fucking, but I told them you'd be there by 4. So you're going to go into the room first. I already set that up, and then you're going to shoot to Marina Del Rey. I mean, it was shit like that. And Thursday, you got to showcase the CBS at the improv. Like, it used to be heavier then.

I was younger. I was involved in more. The older you get, the, you know, the opportunity is diminished. Nobody wants to see you on Dave Letterman unless you've been on David Letterman since you were 22. Wow. Okay. You know, unless, you know, whatever, they're looking for young, up-and-coming talent. Unless a guy like me, like Ron White, puts out of trouble.

tremendous HBO special. And now everybody wants to see him, which I think he'll do now. Ron White's back on the road. I'm fucking excited to see. Oh, I know. He's bummed but I never got to see him. Yeah, he's back on the road now. I know he's doing San Antonio

and something else. But I got to tell you what happened to me, what I've got myself involved in. Did you know? I don't think so. Me and a bunch of moms, I've taken fucking six kids

Friday night to the garden to see jelly roll and a bunch of bad music that the kids like. You're going to the garden? Yeah. So wait, are you going, I'm in shock because I would have never guessed

you would go to the garden. I'm assuming you got pretty good seats. Jelly roll, so I don't know where he's going to put me, but wherever he puts is beggars can't be choosy. Okay. Oh, that's cool that he's giving you tickets. Yeah, I mean, I'll see. I'll knock it down Friday and see what the money's at on Friday, you know.

Let's crack a lacquette with these bitches. And then, but yeah, and then we're trying to get three other mothers, two other mothers and three other kids' tickets. So they've been online. We've been talking, chit-chat, and so I'm just going to wait, talk to my man, Jelly. And, you know what? You ever been excited about something? Yeah.

When my daughter found out, she, put on a costume from Olivia Rodrigo, one of her videos. I was down here and she was up there jumping down, talking to my wife about it. She was so excited. She banged the head on the kitchen cabinet. Is she okay?

Yes, she's got a shine at today. She was bleeding a little bit. So, that's the deal Friday. I was just thinking, like, is this the first concert you guys have been in together? Yes. We went to like that show, Ching Chang with the Chinese people.

They do the acrobatts and you know, we've been to a couple things. I don't think it's called Ching Chang. I forget what the name but is. Oh, but that's pretty cool. I mean, we talked for hours on the church about like all the concerts you went to as a kid. Oh, yeah.

That's pretty cool that you got, because you think, I don't think, did you ever go to one with your mom? Are you fucking retarded? I wouldn't take my mom to a concert. I'm going to take my mom to see fucking Black Sabbath at the garden. Are you fucking crazy? I don't know.

My mom and I used to go like the Harlem Globetrotters and the circus. That was the extent of it. And a lot of fucking mech games. Right. Oh, yeah, definitely. So that was the extent of it. You know, I see little girls with the head do, you know, what's the girl that's popular now?

Taylor Swift? Yeah, Taylor Swift with the Taylor Swift had dues and their fathers have to take them, you know, the tickets are two grand, but, you know, when you come to think of it, they got you on a string, it's your kid. Yeah.

You know, what I wouldn't do for me, I'd have, like, I wouldn't pay 10 years ago. I would want to go see Roger Waters with Ari. We got the acid, the whole thing. I told Ari, I got a preconceived number. It's 200. 200 is the highest

I'll fucking pay. And I got down there and nobody had them less than that. We went to eat at for leaps and we came home and watched the movie. We tripped for a little while and the train back and that was the end of it. Nobody got their feelings hurt, you know?

But if somebody came to me for an experience with my child, that's just not like a Led Zeppelin content. That's an experience. They're going to see a bunch of YouTube and listen it's the holiday season

what wouldn't you do for your kids exactly and it's amazing how much how expensive stuff for kids is listen but here's

to where I win I win because I don't have to take her the fucking American doll fucking ball she don't like that shit and she don't even

talk about Mickey Mouse and Disneyland no I walk to and go you want to go to Disneyland Orlando she'll go not really. Thank you.

She's done with that shit. So I'm very fucking lucky. Hold on. I'll tell you what I'm not done with. Putting in a good bet tonight. It's Monday night, cock suckers. The Jaguars are giving 10 to fucking Cleveland, Cincinnati, who have no quarterback. I know the point spread started at 9.5. It went up to 10, but it's Monday.

This is the holiday season. They're looking to stick a fucking nail into your head. like Jesus on Monday. You know what? Who gives a fuck? The under is low to that. It's under 40. But anyway, talk is cheap.

Let's talk to Draft Kings about what's cracker-laken. Hey, guys, this episode is brought to you by better help. Listen, what's up, you crazy animals? Uncle Joey here that talk to you about mental health, especially during the holiday season. It's a good time to give yourself a little gift and get your head check. What do I mean? I mean, listen, there's a lot of precious stress.

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I was with them for about six months. They helped me get the party started, and here I am, coping with the little anxiety I have in my life now. Just taking a step of breath of fresh air. What do you think I got that from? Confucius, better help. If they get started, just fill out the quick question there and get matched with a licensed therapist.

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That's BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. Take care of yourself. Nobody's going to do it for you. Hey, Uncle Joey here. I partner up with Draft King. Let me talk to you about something. An NBA game could change in an instant. No matter what happens.

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That's $5 on basketball. Like I said, with Draft Kings, you're the king as long as you use code Joey. But do me a favor. You got a gambling, palms? Call 1-800 gambler. out of OTB. If you're in New York, call one. No, forget the one. 8778, Hope, New York. Grab that pen. 8778, Hope, New York, or text, Hope, New York, 467, 369. Something you'll get back to you.

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I had the Patriots and the Chargers under 38 and a half. And at halftime, they let me cash out and I only gave up seven bucks. And I was like, oh, I'll just take it just in case. Some weird shit happens. But anything happened? No. was the Patriots lost 6 to nothing. Don't have cash out.

For seven bucks, I think. Nah. What if they came back? What if they came back? New England couldn't come back against fucking a pee-wee team yesterday. Who you kid? That's true. Dog, I died a slow death yesterday, but I deserved it.

Why? I deserve, listen, I'm the type of guy. I tell you how it is. If I deserve it, I deserve it. Why? because when I woke up in the morning, before I left it like 10, I didn't even know who was playing.

You know, there's a thousand games on Thursday. You lose count anymore. I opened up the thing, and the first game was Miami giving nine-a-half points to the Washington commanders, and the second game was, that was on that, was a game that,

Oh Detroit Giving four and a half To New Orleans And in New Orleans Jesus Well guess what I did What did you do?

I know one of them As much as I loved Fucking Detroit And I bet them every time they play I fucking bet New Orleans Maybe they lose by three And I cover by one Instead

Fucking Detroit One by and I got fucked in the fucking muffler. So. But then I came to... I mean, listen, I lose 25 bucks. You know what I'm saying? And then I bet 25 on the over late night.

And that came back and everybody was fucking happy. I did not touch that, Kansas City, whatever game. I was watching something with my wife. My wife on upstairs. I wanted to see what the score was. It was 2119. right away I go let me just check draft kings if you bet 25 bucks on Kansas City on the money line

it paid 110 don't think I wasn't tempted yeah I thought they were going to come back thank God I wasn't logged in it was arithmetic four minutes left this is a no-brainer this guy's going to throw two touchdown you fucking four minutes dog I turned it off because I wasn't logged in anyway and as I went to log in and just take the chance Columbus did, fucking Minnesota or whoever, Green Bay scored, and I said, fucking thank God I didn't. It was thank God that they make you log in.

See, that's why I like draft kings. That's saved me a million fucking times. But no, my friend's going to drive us. He's got a company. Oh, nice. Pick us up here with all the moms. We're not stopping in New York City. We're going to stop up north, get something to eat

after we go through the traffic Friday afternoon. It's going to be a busy fucking day. The door's open at 5, we're going to be that 6. And instead of having to park and all that shit, we just get out of the car and walk in with the girls. Go in, sit on our tickets. I'm not going to take edibles or nothing because I got to watch these kids. This is going to be your torture. I'm going to have to put 3D glasses on or something just to enjoy the fucking thing.

Then hopefully wait for jelly and then hopefully take the girls backstage and the moms and say hello and get the fuck out of you. Hopefully, maybe I'll be back by like midnight. We got a 9-30 basketball game. Holy shit. You believe what I'm talking about now compared to what I used to talk about? No. Today you said you were kind of tired. I said to you, that was the flight, the spot the night before.

It's rough eating mushrooms and being on the road, the hotel. I go, think about it. I go, how old are you? You said 35. I was doing that when I was 55 and doing it three times a month and doing eight podcasts a month. God knows we're putting in our veins

in those fucking nights. You know, so you people have to understand. Like, I was on such a fucking go that, you know, this is like paradise now. I'm like, are you fucking crazy? Yeah, when we started, we were doing the podcast at 6 a.m., so there were two other days you were up early. 6 a.m.

So it was, those weeks, I remember, putting in like 30 fucking pounds. I went up to 346 pounds when I baptized Mercy. Wow. Well, I was eating a lot with my wife and fucking whatever, but

the sleep was not there. I was waking up Monday and Wednesday morning with you at 445. Then I would take the early flight on on Thursday. I would do radio on Friday. Saturday sleep

and then Sunday I was going to bed for three hours I was getting back to my hotel room at one getting picked up at 4.45 6 a.m. You know, that's not sleep. You watch too long orders, you eat a slice of fucking dominoes, poison

and then you burping fart all night and all of a sudden the alarm's going on. It's time to wake up. It ain't nothing there. Oh yeah. It was, I've done it a few times, but it's definitely like that early, I hate that early flight. Every time I do it, I get mad

at you. Because I just know, but I know you're right, but it's getting up at, that 7 a.m. flight is rough. Listen, in the words of Red Fox, if you got to do something, do it and get it to fuck over with. Right.

It's over with. So even, whatever, you're in your bed that night and you're relaxed. Your clothes are in the laundry already. They're percolating. They're taking the smell of stamency and bars and fast food joints. You know, it's really hard

for people to not know the damage you put on as a comedian when you start traveling and you're flying commercial. These guys are flying fucking private. That's tremendous. You go on there, you bring somebody to give you a fucking toe rub.

But I'm talking about commercial. You know, when you're roughen it, it's a tough fucking world. And it's a world that, like I said to you, I burnt out so much on flight. I don't want to see a fucking plane. I don't need to go anywhere right now. I don't blame you at all.

I actually was wondering that, though. Have you, because it seems like there's like crazy shit happening on planes, people going crazy, people shitting themselves. Did you ever see like weird, like a crazy thing happen on a plane? When the guy tried to steal my seat, he wanted me to sit where he was sitting at 5 in the morning.

And I was like, God, that's my seat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But my friend. sitting there. So if you don't mind sitting my street behind the window, I'm like, get up. It was fucking early in the morning. It's a five-hour flight.

The edible didn't kick in yet, and you're sitting in my chair with fucking shoes on with no socks on. I will fucking stab you in the fucking lung. Get the fuck up, you miserable cock-sucker. And then the fucking lady came, and I'm like, he's in my chair,

and he left. That's a lot of shit like that, but what's going on today is unacceptable. People jumping out of planes and shit, New Mexico. Come on. That guy... Yeah. That guy did a fucking edible. Because I'll tell you what, I almost did that a few times. If you want me to lie to you and sit in here and say, no, I'm Uncle Joey.

I could do this. I could do that. You go fuck yourself, Jack. There was a couple times I was on that plane thinking, this is my time. And then I didn't say nothing to anybody. I didn't complain. I never told anybody. And then when dad was talking to Ari, and he goes, oh, my God,

did I tell you what happened on the flight the other day with Rogan? No, what happened? He goes, we're sitting in first class and the edible hit me. And he goes, I really considered getting off the plane. And I'm like, does that happen to you a lot?

He goes, who sometimes. And I go, it's been happening to me a lot lately. Like, I would sit on a plane, go I'm excited, and then all of a sudden you're sitting there you hear the engines going and you're like

this edible this might be the time that the flight goes down you start getting a lot of fucking you're due you've been on 90 flights in two years you know there's got to be a terrorist on this flight if that kept happening

why would you do it it's fun it's psychological warfare You got to be prepared in case the hammers coming at you. And they're playing heavy metal music and giving you edibles. I am worried about that. Jesus Christ. You wouldn't freak out that much?

You know, I had my moments, man. God forbid what I put myself through when I was 17, 16, emotionally unstable, and eating that window pain. And that's eight hours of beating and thinking in your heart. making noises and, you know, this is, somebody's chasing you, somebody's outside, somebody's in the closet. That's cocaine. That came later.

But anyway, it's all the same thing. There's something I wanted to talk to you about because we don't really, this is just our own little thing. People don't even understand what the fuck we're doing. This is about us. I don't, you know, everything else is background music. You say something wrong, but I don't care about that. Listen, it's all over. I'm too old.

if you didn't cancel me with the one-legged woman, you ain't got to cancel me now, cock-suckers. But I want to talk to you about what's going on with Matt Rife. Okay. And it is so crazy how people... I don't... Listen, I was shooting a movie in June, and one of the young assistants,

we were driving to the set with another girl, another guy. And she goes, Joey, have you ever worked with Matt Rife? And I'm like, I don't even know what Matt Rife. is. Then the girl came up with his picture and I go, I'll tell you what. I remember meeting him and seeing him somewhere,

but I'm not going to tell you that I'm his best friend, if that's what, you know, maybe seeing him at the store. And I remember that he was a nice kid, very respectful, or he was just a nice kid. I don't know if I watched him. I'm not going to tell you I watched him. He was, you know,

I don't even remember. And then I started hearing his name. more and more and more and more and then you know it's not like I'm going to look up fucking stand up right now at that place

in my life you know and then more people were asking me and then I started seeing clips of him and you know he's just a younger looking guy he has he's good as a comic

but he's got years to develop he's young you know when he's 35 he's going to be a killer Oh, yeah. I think he's like 26, if I'm not. Yeah. So nine years. He just needs some heavy-duty shows.

Chappelle, this, that. He needs to do a couple of Puerto Rican shows. You know, he needs to just... So supposedly, I watched that. And I watched that joke when he said that. And I remember silently saying to myself, at least he's got balls. you know

I liked his response Did he see what he tweeted Tremendous And right now I see all this fucking hate for this kid He's canceled Listen If he's canceled guys He's canceling out with 15 mil

That's fucking You know That's uh 14 million 999 more dollars than you Okay You know He ain't going nowhere If he's smart, and I know they got a business manager for him,

that dude is buying something, you know, a fucking apex fucking missile or something. And he's good, guys. Don't worry about him he's canceled. He's not canceled. He threw a jab at people because some stand-ups still exist from time to time. And there's some stand-ups that people forget that when you become a stand-up, you're not a tool for society.

You're a tool against society. You're telling your take on it. I don't want you to go out there and, you know, be a fucking revolutionary. You know, nobody, and that's what happens to comics. They become revolutionaries. That's, you know, so he's got a lot to develop. He's got the world by the balls. And for you people who say he's canceled, go back to your fucking soup, whatever kind of soup you're eating, tomato soup.

Go look into the word testosterone in your life. You know, it's, you can't, you got to stop canceling people. this movement has to fucking stop for dumb reasons you know it's a joke it didn't affect your life but anyway that was my main thing I'm not gonna talk against being

walk or any of that shit that that has nothing to do with that I just think people are fucking confused and it shows the amount of Lee I've cut my internet use

smart I had it and when I every once in a while I look and I remember why there's a girl I follow on Instagram I don't have a crush on her I'm not stalking her I've never said a

thing to her she's an Italian girl it's called the Italian princess Lee the food this girl eats you got to follow her and she's hysterical I don't know how much this girl eats I don't know how she puts it away

I'm eating a pizza right now. I'm eating a moutzeril. And a rich soup sandwich at 10 in the morning. My fucking morning sandwich. You know, it goes all day. It ends at a restaurant with fucking 20 things, Lee. It is one of the most interesting things I've seen. The girl's got to be 24 fucking years old, 25 years old.

I don't know if she's an influencer. I don't know how many followers she has. In my world, it's not like she's on there in a bikini. she's very respectful. The reason why I started following her was because she's a young girl and she still speaks Italian to a grandmother. That did something to me.

Like I moved back here. Nobody's on the street yelling at Italian no more. Nobody even knows fucking Italian. It's like they should all be ashamed of themselves. But that's why I liked it because she was talking to Italian, to a grandmother while they were disgusting, making fucking soup or something like that.

Go away, talk about. sucker anyway no there's a lot there's a lot of bad stuff but there's also like a lot of good stuff online if you can find it's very interesting she's tremendous so do you wonder i just looked at her thing you know and i'm scrolling down the last two videos she put up and right there in the front right there some fucking guys like i can see if you're telling us you got nice tits or whatever you put a picture up of a female you're going to get that, whether they're

in a dress or whether in a bikini. No, this was like this girl should be taken down. All she does is eat and she's eating the wrong feet. She should do this. And everybody was discussing her diet. And I'm like, what the fuck are people seeing that I'm not

fucking watching? People have lost their mind online. On both sides of it, on content and the comments. That's why I had to slow it down. That's it. I do my Monday. I post on my Patreon and I keep it light because it is it is

fucking hell on wheels out there there was something else I saw about a week ago and I'm like this person has not done anything wrong at all you know and you just whatever you post now I don't even look Lee I'm too old to even look anymore

you just what do you think about like your daughter watching YouTube they have a restricted upstairs. My wife did something. Listen, eventually they're all going to watch fucking YouTube. But eventually, there's a kid in the group that's a little older. She's 13.

There's two of them. There's one of them that just says hello. But there's one of them that always looks at me and smiles. Like she knows something. Okay. I thought about it for a while. She knows something. And she always goes like,

I, you know, listen, they're going to see. If she got a problem, come to me and talk to me, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm excited? Go ahead, I'm sorry. All I was going to say was not even like a problem with like you and seeing your stuff. I'm just saying like all the, all the shitty stuff on YouTube. Wait a little. You set this computer on fire. I'm going to set you on fire.

When I see you in the car seat, everybody used to burn you with the light it. And when you'd hold the joy and I'd slip and make believe I'd slip and I'd bird his fingers. How? You did it every time. You won't always light my finger. You were nice and I so you didn't know what was happening. You'd freak me out and just do the lighter and I'd jump

because I was half asleep. But yeah, that's what the fuck I'm at, guy. What was the last question, brother? Just about kids with YouTube, we were talking about that? Listen, kids are going to see what they're going to Right.

Gold Mercy a long time ago. She goes hunting and she sees something she don't like. That's what happens for going hunting. You got a question, you come talk to me. If some kid at school says something to you, come talk to me. We'll watch her video. Some kid at school went there one day and showed her the TikTok to Tom Segura saying I dose him and I did acid and coke for 20 years. You know, when she saw that, what do you want me to tell her?

So that's why it all led to me Opening up my trap about the weed I don't want her upstairs thinking he did heroin And coke for 20 years So I gotta give her something I'm like fucking poison Give him something to believe in You gotta give them the fucking

The whammy You gotta give them the fucking weed She knows I drink She sees my behavior She knows I'm up with her She doesn't know about heroin And cocaine at all she knows a little bit about narcos

that's it I never watched godfather Arlham with him she watched Garface but she didn't watch the cocaine thing oh just the beginning yeah like the beginning or something else and she doesn't really like it she doesn't know that it would make her mind blow up

I wouldn't even take it that it's not even in our world it's not around here it's got nothing to do with her or me or you you know I'm so happy the relationship you guys have it's so cool like you were saying earlier Can you imagine this is what I'm talking about with the basketball game? Like she's getting old.

She's getting old and like it's a different, it's just cool to see you so happy. It's not that I'm happy. It's that it was time, brother. It was time to, this makes me happy. This makes me happy. Seeing you once a week and talking to you every night about comedy and shit, I'm good after that. I'm living vicariously through you.

That's all I need. I smoke my weed at night and I'm like, how would it be if I drove with the open mic today? That'd be fucking crazy. So yeah, that's where I'm at, my friend. I love you, buddy. I love you too. So thank you.

And what do you got this week? This week, I have one. I have open mics every night. And then on Sunday, I'm in Rain of Massachusetts at the Asian Palace at 1 o'clock. I'm doing my first Chinese food restaurant. All right. Well, that's good. That's all you got next week.

That's all I got next week. A bunch of stuff coming up But next, that's all that I have for this week. I was thinking about that New Year's Eve gig. I love you too much. Stay home, mind your business. I was going to try to get your New Year's gig in the city like a 10-minute guest spot.

Ten minutes ain't enough to risk your fucking life. God knows what they're going to do in New York City. And maybe you wake up New Year's Day and nothing happened. But why come all the way to New York and go back, you know, for the small 10 minutes. Do 10 minutes in part. in the mirror with a fucking fire Happy New Year

hat on and one of those noise makers by yourself. After you're in fucking training, I need you in training, cuck, I'm of course. Three nights a week. Like Uncle Joey, don't forget one of the most important fucking things. The holiday season is coming.

I haven't eaten them in about two weeks because I'm getting ready for the holiday season. But at at Fung Factory Farms, either on on Instagram or on telegraph Telegram, right?

Go on telegram. Go to Fung Factory Farms and get yourself a couple cookies and you chill with grandma over the holidays. Nobody knows nothing. You can watch the fucking bowl games, eat a few mushrooms, and put

Uncle Joey Savage and get 10% off. That's how we're rolling. Like I said, a couple weeks ago I went off this reservation with him. Like Thursday, Friday, Saturday. By Sunday, it was too deep. I was deep, deep, deep in the murky waters. And I took a break.

That's it. Tonight was the first time I ate edibles since last Monday, probably. Wow, he took almost a week off. Yeah. Every time I eat these things, like, I got to clean out the fucking cabinet. I find myself eating candy canes. Like the one that I must eat 10 bubble gum candy. cans. I don't even like

that shit. And then the next night I attacked the regular candy cans. On Friday when I was having that trip, the only thing I had in my room was rice cakes. I ate 21 rice cakes in about 15 minutes. What flavor were they? Caramel and chocolate.

It's all I had and I couldn't go downstairs. And then I just didn't, I'm still cheap. I didn't want to pay $50. I had cold McDonald's delivered. So I just had the rice cakes. McDonald's, when you're on mushrooms, would mentally destroy you in the middle of that meal. You think so?

I know so. I was just trying to get out of the... You're not supposed to eat McDonald's. So, when you're going to think about that. And then actually that night, you're going to actually taste a leg. Like, it's going to taste like somebody's leg, and the mushroom's going to take it to a different level, and that's the end of that.

Well, I'm glad it didn't get it, then. Me too. So get your life together. No more mushrooms, no more fast, food. I don't have fast food. I'd rather you eat fucking the corn chips with the chili flavor on them. Oh, they're fucking good. That's my idea.

But anything tastes bad on mushrooms. Yeah, I don't eat. I don't do anything really. I sneak out of the room and smoke some herb. And fucking to calm that tiger down and then that'll bring up some appetite. Then you eat and you go right to bed. Maybe I'm going to have to bang one out with a little pinky in your asshole. You never know. It's a different world out there.

I love you, Lee. Let's talk about this week. And now for a word from our sponsors. Hey, and that's it. I want to thank you guys for listening. But let me talk to you about something. Listen, it's time for you to fucking see the devil. There's the time of the year where it's all over to shouting.

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I want to thank better help, but I want to thank you, savages. Have a great week, and we'll see you fucking next week.