The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Episode #15 - Mental Savages

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt about taking his daughter to her first concert at Madison Square Garden, the kid in the crowd who drove him nuts there, and being inspired by Jelly Roll. Joey and Lee also talk about Lee going to see Anthony Jeselnik, what Joey would do right now if he was 30 years old, and what Joey hopes people take from the podcast. Support the show & get 55% off your Babbel subscription at https://www.babbel.com/JOEY Support the show & get 10% off your entire Freeze Pipe order at https://www.thefreezepipe.com with code DIAZ Support the show & get 20% off & free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com when you use the code JOEY This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self. The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

I was wondering if you have like a pre-show routine. Like if you did like sometimes I'll dance around. Like I stretch a little bit before I go on. I don't, it's not something I like planned on doing. But I just noticed that it's something that I tend to do a lot. All right. I don't know if you had anything like that you do. Because you should warm it up.

You were around me for years. You know, I do. All right. What's with the fucking questions? What's happened, you savages? It's Tuesday. The 12th of December, the check-in is brought to you by, my favorite, the freeze pipe. You need a little something to get you through the holiday family reunions, we all do.

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They didn't put you on this planet just to give up If Uncle Joey could do it I could fucking rule the world I feel you gotta be thinking Welcome back to shit It's Monday, Cocksuckers Tuesday

The 12th is shit What's up? It's good to see you dude How are you? You know, tip top Magoo Happy Hanukkah and all this shit I hope you'll let another joint tonight I put the manure up

I got joints in that motherfucker this year Like I told you that's that's the play right there. Anybody can light a fucking candle. Get a menorah, put Roman candles in that motherfucker and get the whole neighborhood jumping up and down,

you know what I'm saying? Do you have a menorah? I have a little baby menorah to put joints in there. I don't want to offend nobody this time of the year. You know what I'm saying? It's a rough time of the year. You want to be happy, so.

No one's going to get offended by a menorah. Fuck them. That's great. I got to pick it up. I don't know. know what the fuck I did with it. I had that. I got the Jewish hand. I got a bunch of stuff, you know.

Jewish hand. How was the concert, buddy? The concert was out of this world. First of all, like by Friday morning if you know anything about me, I was not looking forward to it. I was hoping that

fucking somebody bombed New York or something like that. I was like, something's to go down because I'm not in the fucking mood to go over there with 20 kids and shit. Sorry about the lights in the back. My wife ain't here tonight. Yeah, what do you want me to do? I barely fucking whatever. But here's the thing that was very unique. Like I went online, I looked at some of the bands and I didn't know any of them, you know, except for jelly roll.

For me, it wasn't even about the concert. It was to just take the kids. They wanted to go. and they had been excited and the whole fucking thing. And the girls were excited. My wife and my neighbor crazy Chris. And, you know, we took two other moms. And we just shot over there on a bus, man. And I was telling somebody today, I got to the garden and I sat down with my daughter and the rest of the kids. And then the girls left to get T-shirts and stuff.

But Mercy goes for a second. She goes, no, I'm going to stay with Dad and make sure he's okay. I was fine. She just thought, you know, she didn't want to go. And we were just talking. And she goes, how old were you the first time you came here? And I'm like, five, you know? And then I was remembering the fucking circus.

The first time I went to the circus, you know, they give you these whistles, these lights. And I'm a string and you spin them around. I told you. And then the next year I went, when they turned the lights off, you hear the fucking thing. You hear kids getting hit in the head with the fucking lights. The next year I went back and they had those little half-retarded helmets.

at that time they were like little ones and shit but the circus was real at New York City they didn't even have a net and shit at that time if a fucking lion if one of the guys fell off the top you'd see the lion drag him off and shit oh my God

it would help sweep them off you know I started going to that place when I was young I didn't know what that place was and then as I got older I got older and I was like Like, wow. And then when Michael Jackson came to town in 1984, it was my equivalent of like Led Zeppelin coming to town to shoot the movie in 75. They just locked up in New York City. It was just locked up, Lee. I can't even describe what New York City was like that day. It was just locked up.

Like 10 blocks around the garden, you couldn't move your fucking car. People were just jumping out of cabs and walking. That's how much intensity Michael Jackson brought. to that fucking garden. Not in 81, but in 84. I went to see them both times. And it's crazy, not to derail you, but I just want to think about this first. Like, without the internet that people went that crazy. Like, was it just in, like, the papers

and, like, on the rate? Like, you knew. You know, New York City is a big city. It's a very small city. You know, like, I remember having friends that had friends, you know, when I was, like in the eighth grade, that used to go to Keith Richards

and Mick Jagger's building in the city. So people start to find out your hangouts. Oh, okay. You know, New York City's big, but it's very small. And we're all creatures of fucking habit, you know? So I don't even know what I was talking about. You were talking about the concert?

You said it was like Michael Jackson, 84. Michael Jackson, but it's like, you didn't know, but you knew. So you had, you know, you looked at where the best hotel was in New York. And that's where you went looking for Michael Jackson. Some were they allowed kids and giraff. You know what I'm saying? So it was like everybody was in New York looking for Michael.

I still remember Madonna, like Madonna crazy in New York City, like an 84. Like I remember these things. And it was like so hard to describe to people. That's when you get to see. the real heartbeat that is New York City. Like when John Lennon got shot, that Monday night football, that following Sunday,

the city was locked up. The city was so locked up, I couldn't even get to the park. So instead I went to the village. It's that type of fucking atmosphere, that type of energy. Let me tell you something. Now, we got there for the doors opening,

and there were 30 people online. We cut the lines because we had clear. They got clear at the garden. And so we whipped up that old app out of the phone and we just showed it. We didn't even pay for it. We haven't had clear. We canceled it. Like the airplane here?

That's why. What's that? Like the air, the clear from the airport? They're having it at, uh, Oh yeah, they're at a Yankee Stadium.

They got it a bunch of places down. Oh, that's smart. Yeah. That's really cool. You go to certain games, cut the line, not get searched,

you know, the whole fucking deal. So you got right in. got right in, and we were like the first ones in our area. Like, I was like, what happened to this city? And it was a lot of young people, but the share was there. And that was interesting, because the first three bands were like kid bands, you know, and the kids were dancing.

I went downstairs and met with jelly roll then. I took my wife for the first band, the second band, and went downstairs and saw jelly roll and sat with them. We talked about the music, the dog. I congratulated them. And then we went back and the girls are going crazy, all of them. And there were these two old gay guys. All right.

New York City gay. See, again, I'm not putting nobody down. I'm just talking about there's like four generations of gayisms. He's like the third generation. The guys my age, maybe 67. Okay. That's a different type of gay dude. Okay.

You don't even want to look at them. Because they'll suck. Don't just look at you and you're sucking their dick subconsciously. Like they're savages, their mental savages. They've been gay for 50, 67 fucking years. They know how it's done. They can crack, you know, it's like nothing for them. It's like me showing up to an open mic for 10 minutes.

I can do with my eyes closed. After 10 minutes, I'm going to have a problem. But these two dudes wouldn't fucking smile for the first three fucking bands, okay? I would sit there and just watch them, right? I would just sit there. And I got to tell you more, I would just sit just to let you know, things have not changed in the Joey Dia's world.

I'm looking at these two gay dudes, right? They're not even really good looking. They're just old. One of them is balding. The guy that was balding was the broad because he had the purse, right? He had like a little macho purse. So I'm watching this whole thing go down because I got to report back to Eric, right? Right.

So finally, Cher came on. these guys were furious the whole night. They kept looking at the kids. They couldn't believe they were kids. You know, they were just fucking miserable. Two gay dudes that all are interested in was assholes and fucking share. Like you could tell. Hey, man.

They got up out of their seats. They were jumping up and down. They were going fucking nuts. They had their phones out. They were hugging each other. They were kissing each other. They sang one fucking song, 10 minutes, right? Now, these tickets, I don't know what they called.

horse. Share got off. These two guys got up and fucking abandoned shit. That was it. That's crazy. Not even a smile on their faces after that. They went back to be miserable gay guys from the 60s. They got flashbacks. They got support groups of these fucking old fags because nobody liked them in the 60s and 70s. They didn't get to talk to people to Madonna came out in 85. They saw some daylight. So, but then there was one kid that was driving me fucking crazy. Why? Three little chubby girls. I like, just so people know, you know, they were probably of the Jewish descent, happy Hanukkah.

Right away, I don't like them because they're out on fucking Hanukkah night, right? Jumping up and down. But the thing that bothered me the most was the kid. The kid had to be 16, 17. He was crying and yelling more than the girls when people would perform to the point where he was taking his phone out and singing the lyrics to the phone. and he was Jewish skinny.

He had the hook nose, and he had the curly. He had the curly fucking Aria. I couldn't take it no more. So the one girl sang a song called Fruitcake. And I'm like, Fruitcake, I'm calling him fruit. He ain't answered me. So finally I take a piece of nicotine gum. He's sitting there looking at himself in between acts,

and I just fling the nicotine gum. No, you didn't. Come on now. And it lands on his shoulder. the roll. He just looks at it. He knows he's getting hate mail. And there's just the beginning, right? So after once fucking, uh, jelly row came on, he didn't, he wasn't into jelly roll, him and the, the chubby girls. But when Reza came on, the sexy black girl, which Cassius Morris said to me to slip her, his number, because he wanted to bust into that monkey, right? Cassius Morr said me a

fucking thing. And she is very attractive, that girl, Reza. When Reza was on, Rizzer, whatever a fucking name is. I have no idea. He was dancing and yelling again. Ah! Like, you know, I'm surprised those two fags didn't take them home, like, they should just tapped

them on the shoulder. You want to come to the other side? Follow us out of here. Leave the three little girls. Leave the candle. Take the condom. You know what I'm saying? Leave the condom. Why can't Jews go out on Hanukkah? You're not supposed to stay in on Hanukkah? You could go out on Hanukkah, but you can't be jumping up and down like that,

like a fucking, you know, you know. And finally I took a piece of gum and I just flung it, and it bounced open for shoulder, went into his hair. And he flung it out, and that was the end of that. After the show, I just walked out,

and I'm like, I felt like grabbing him alone. Your cousins are fighting over there. I'm in a fucking hole against a bunch of stink and death and missiles, and you're over here jumping up and down singing like a fucking mouk du lua it just burns me up lee you I'm saying I'm sorry I get emotional and that's what if I saw anybody do acting like that as a young kid I'd be like what the fuck guy you're with three fucking girls you're not even boys you're with three girls ah yelling like that come on it's got to stop this cannot continue

but I think the whole 18,000 people the only people with testosterone was a security guys. Everybody else had no testosterone. They had slippers on, whether they were six or 60. There was a man in there. I just took my test a couple of weeks ago, and I got a little high above average, because I worked my legs on a, you know, I massaged the nuttack and keep it wall. And these guys could not deal with my testosterone. I knocked my wife up at 50. I'm slinging fucking, I'll whack off and throw the cum against the wall, and it'll stick. I'm still slinging to eat. I'm fucking Cuban. We're primitive. We, we, we, we, we're I could knock somebody up at 80 just by fling the eyeball.

Well, you talked about like at going to concerts and like going with like with Satan or the devil, whatever his name was, what would you have done at like 16 if you saw that kid dancing and doing all? It would have been. There was no police. There was no videos in those days. That's when you let a firecracker first. You sent him like a little message, bah, you always brought firecrackers for those concerts. You bought dry crackers?

Always, but I never lit one until like maybe. I forget what I'm done so I finally lit one. Oh, Ozzy at the Garden. My friend was getting dry humped, right? A friend of mine, he sat next to a guy away from us. And the guy started dry hump. And he punched him. Security's coming.

So, bah, that's the first time. But I did it after I saw a bunch of people blowing off smoke bombs at concerts in the New York, New Jersey area. And I forgot about it. And 30 years later, I would listen to fucking Jimmy Florentine on the radio, and he spoke about it. But that was him. I fucking almost died when I heard the story about it. He put a smoke bomb, and the security guard caught him, and he had to call his mom, and he was stoned.

And his mother came home, why your eyes so red, you know. I love that you brought firecrackers to a concert as a kid. Like the small, like, I saw that day a day of a fucking firecracker screwdriver. A bottle opener. You brought what you could. All my friends would bring those little wine pouches that they'd hide. I fucking hated that shit. Acting like Moses with a little pouches.

Fucking Jesus. Drinking wine out of a fucking pouch out of a continent. It's 90 fucking degrees out. You got your armpit on the fucking bottle. I don't want to sip of that shit. And they would pass it around like they were in the Old West. Get the fuck out of here. It's 1980.

I just saw you eating some chick's ass the other night on 42nd Street. And you want a fucking shit. share a glass with me. Did you, because I saw the Instagram you did with Mercy, which was great. But you, you didn't look like super fucked up to go to this one. Or did you? Did you get?

I had kids with me. Right. So I couldn't go and fucking, I couldn't do edible. Like, I think I ate like maybe 200, three balance out. I ate one of those funk, Funk Factory Farm cookies, which is three grams of mushroom. And I didn't want to bring a chocolate bar on nothing because it would melt.

So I just brought fucking, I brought the gummies to cherry-flavored gummies, which is four grams. I gave two of those things away, but I ate the other eight. So hold on. So just to clarify, a light night for you is 300 milligrams and about six grams of mushrooms? Yeah. That seems about. Listen, I'm too old to go back to the old church. It just wouldn't even fit into the fucking agenda I'm living now.

But if I know I don't have, like tomorrow, I got something at 9 and I got something at 10. And I got something at 1 and something at 2. My day is tremendous tomorrow. I ate a little mushroom tonight. I'm not going to lie. And I didn't eat no cookie or no gummy. I ate a mushroom cap. Oh, that's all.

You know what? I don't, that's the one thing I really like about them. You don't really get hung up. over. No. Like not even a little bit. Tonight I'll eat a cap. I'll eat, you know, I put down a thousand milligrams. I think I opened up with eight and then I dropped another two out of respect for fucking Christmas. And, uh, you know, that's where I am tonight. I did a couple of funners with some new weed I got. And that's where I am now at this point in my life. You know, I'm okay with that. Oh, yeah. I just love it. Like, because I knew when you said you didn't take edibles,

I was like, I think. Saturday night, I had a shit. Saturday night. I had a shot of something. Well, I'm lying to you. Friday night, I had a shot of tequila after the jelly roll set. You did? Yeah, why not? You only walk on one leg. I don't know if you got, oh, this was a good shot too. And let me tell you something. Like, I made it back to the car. I didn't feel it that night. I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't feel it. And from the adrenaline and walking and stuff, it probably just burnt off. I got to be honestly, like two o'clock Saturday, I was like, I feel a little hungover. And I'm like, that's weird because

I didn't drink. I'm like, oh, shit. That shot of tequila was real. That's crazy. It didn't affect me at all. No, it didn't affect me at all. No headache. You felt a little bit like, you know. I drank the night before. And then Saturday night, I went out with my buddies and for dessert, they passed out like fucking these drinks that would just, it would look like peppermin shnapp, but it was very almond.

and I did one of those and I also did a glass of sangria to open up the dinner to get my appetite going because I wasn't that hungry. I like Sangria. Red sangria? Red and the white and this place,

Segovia and Munaki. Nice. It was a real, I don't know what the problem was this weekend. It was very, like I didn't go to the garden thinking that I was going to go through that minute when I just sat there and I realized

how many times I had been in there. How lucky I was to, I saw Michael Jordan play there as a rookie against Bernard King. You know, I just remember so many things. Michael Corrin from Jersey City, I went to see him play at the Garden when he played for North Carolina. You know, the Sixers against the Knicks on Christmas Day when my teacher got thrown out of there. You know, there's so many memories I had to that place. You know, I probably went to the Meadowlands five times to watch a concert. and I'm probably exaggerating.

I saw Ted. I saw Michael Jackson out there in 84. Maybe somebody else. I never was out there as much as I was at the garden, you know. And then Saturday I went out with these dudes that, you know, since, you know, I've known these guys since 1974. 75, I've known these guys. So that's 48 years.

you know, just knowing these guys and you look at them and you see, you know these guys, so you look at them and you see them young while you're talking to them and you see what they've become, you know, and we got there at six and we didn't leave till 10.

Holy shit, that's a long time, especially for you. Doug, it was that entertaining. It was that entertaining. Everybody was talking shit, telling stories about, because remember, of the six guys that were there, four of us were in the same seventh and eighth grade,

except one of the guys transferred to downtown his eighth grade year. And what made you have this dinner? I mean, it sounds great, but like, this is not something you do. We always, we've been getting together since I got back here. Really? Yes. I thought this was like a holiday thing.

This was maybe the fourth time in three years. Nice. We've gotten together. we've been to Steakhouse 85 twice. We've been to the other place once. We went somewhere else in Red Bank and then this place. We go to the steakhouse 85 across street from the Strath Factory. That's a place with a good burgers, right?

It's a crazy thing to say, but you said it was like a great burger. Great. But then around the corner is called the stage. And that motherfucker's got the burger and they have Italian upstairs and it's a steakhouse downstairs. And upstairs. And the last time we were there, Lee, they split a bird. It was like, or six.

And we were sitting there talking, maybe seven of us. And we told the guy, we go, listen, we all want steak, but we got to do the burger. He goes, that happens all the time. I'll bring you four, two burgers chopped in eights. So it was four pieces for a burger. You got a little burger. You got a steak. You got spaghetti.

I mean, these dinners are heavy. That's why I had to drive. 55 minutes, so I couldn't take a thousand milligrams. That never stopped you before. Yeah, but this is a new world. So I smoked a little bit. And once I got that, I couldn't smoke. I couldn't go into that restaurant smelling like Riefer.

I've been going there for 40 years, you know. You don't think they know? You don't think you ever went in there smelling like weed? Well, they did a very nice place. They were out 30 years ago. They threw you out. They didn't throw us out. They asked us to leave.

We were too loud. And they knew we were doing blood. in the bathroom and yelling and screaming. So we brought it up to y' night. We brought it up to them. We were like, amen, member 30. He was like, nah. The son goes, I'm 31.

I go, yeah, when you were a year old, your dad threw us out of here one night. He didn't throw us out. He just came home and he goes, guys, what the fuck? That night it must have been 12 of us. Holy shit. And he's like, guys, come on. You got to go.

Come on. And you were what? You were what? And you're like late 20s, early 30s? I was 31. I'd come back here to do comedy after I got divorced. I came back in. But enough about me. What happened with you this weekend?

You were all excited by the show on Sunday, fucking and some Chinese restaurant. Oh, yeah, I had a great comedy weekend. Like, I, I have gotten better about reaching out to people. I just reached out to a booker who's been great. and I got, I just randomly got a show on Friday, which was awesome. Okay. At a club that I hadn't done.

And I, I called you before because, like, I'm just really, I think I'm a pretty good, I really do think I'm doing pretty well as a feature. But as a host, I'm struggling and I'm not used to it. So I called you for some advice. You got all these open mics you go to you got a volunteer host. Okay. That's it. Just say I want to host.

I'll be here all three hours. 80 people. You got exercise that. night up and down up and down gives you 80 shots and try 80 lines or you know just kept just volunteer hosting yeah people always go away from what they're not good at yeah is what you want to do for a living you got to be good at because somewhere along the line it may not be today but nine years from now you'll be in l.A and they're going to call you to do a fucking hosting gig and you're going to be kind of

You're going to be you, you know, it's going to take you a while. I'd rather you fucking work that. The thing I had that was lucky was my first two years, I had a hosting job once a week. Right. And I still didn't know what I was doing, but then I started watching Deaf Comedy Jam. Okay. I started watching Joe Torrey. He's really good?

He was good, but the best host I ever saw, the guy who made me want to host was D.L. Hughley. Wow, okay. Leo Hughley hosted B-E-T, whatever it was called on HBO one night. And he got a standing ovation from the hosting. Holy shit. That's powerful, man. And that made me go, whoa, I get it now. Because while you're hosting, all you're thinking about is getting to fucking the headliner spot.

I want you to think about hosting. And it's hosting as a living, you're a quarterback of a team. okay you're the one that controls the tempo you control the clock if the fucking guy goes up and does 30 and he's a magician and people fall in the sleep I hope you didn't do your good material

the first five minutes because now you got to have to bring them fucking back and so on and so forth that was actually a question that I like I ran into it a couple of shows ago if I'm the host I'm always worried about like they don't want me to do time in between the feature in the headliner, just get the headliner up there.

I had a show a couple of... They won't. We ain't listening. You're not going to go up there and read the Bible for fucking 15 minutes. You're going to go up there and hit them with a quick 28 second joke to get them back. But again, you got 28 seconds. Who knows how to

do this? You're looking at me, you, and a bunch of comics that listen to this are going, what the fuck are you talking about, Joey? Exactly. If I say to you, go up there and bring up the feature, Let's keep it going for fucking Joey Dias. You did great tonight.

Even though I ate a bag of dicks. Right. And you saw he did great tonight. Look at the audience and go, make it. We did great tonight, right? Whatever the fuck you usually do. And then you just say something.

Listen, I'm going to bring up the headliner real quick. Let's give him a round of applause. You're the way back there getting ready or whatever. Don't even say round of applause. And then hit him with something. Hit them with something. on the news. Anybody watch eyewitness news tonight? Anybody see the Mexican kid that got stuck in the sewer?

Boom. That's it. That was it. You condensed the whole bit into one fucking line. You don't have time to go in your little green room or your little computer and hit the click for Jokey Booze. This has to be constantly working. And that's what hosting does to you. It involves you in the fucking game. When you're a feature, you're like, my job is to go up,

there blow out the headline, then go drink and meet broads. Not you. This makes you pay attention to what's going on in the fucking game. And then when you evolve into movies and TV shows, when you become something and you get to a trailer and they go to you, Mr. Syatt will bring you what you want. You go, no, no, no, no. The first thing I want to do is go on the set for an hour and see what's going on. I want to fucking feel the tempo or the game. Same thing as hosting. you just took comedy and took it into the next level. And that's what every step of comedy is

if you're thinking about the next level. It's the prerequisite that you don't know about. You know, like when you take college algebra and they're like pre-requisite, two and two is four, breathing a glass. They're prerequisites for everything, guys, especially when you want to do this as a fucking living. Now, am I going to tell you,

I knew I wanted to do that. Listen, when I was hosting, I could have been in jail any day. Do you know what I'm saying? Right. Up to 2000, my comedy career was, every time I did a set,

you better do well because you don't know if you're going to be in jail now. Something stupid. Drugs, a fist fight, you stole something. You know, I never trusted myself. And then when I made it to 2000, I don't know why,

I still stole, lighters from 7-11, but I had more lighters than 7-11 from the one on Carson. The football ones? The football ones. I had every team, except like three of them. They tried to rip me off fucking bit.

But, you know, you you just, you know, when I was at the store and I had the opportunity to host, I knew the previous host and what they did with their careers. Freddie Soto was

about to hit, you know. And the big host that hosted at the store was the guy who died, that he was the host of America's Most Wanted. Another host that the comedy store had on Monday nights, Dave Letterman. Really? Yeah, he hosted the fucking open mic. So I want the young comics to think about this shit. This is something that takes you, if you want to do this as a career and you want to do

to hit every single aspect that you could reach as your career. You gotta learn every fucking position. You know what made Prince good? What? That he can play every instrument of that fucking out.

That's true. And it's great. I'm not, I'm not, I'm a little ashamed, but it's honest, I did think about, like this week, I was like,

if they asked me to host, maybe I'll ask them if I could just not host. Is it like, I hate when I don't do well. It fucking burns me up. Yeah, what do you think? I enjoyed it?

You think anybody likes to bomb? You think people are like, yeah, Ma, I'll eat the spaghetti and then an hour after I bomb, I'll come back and we'll play for Monopoly. I don't want to play Monopoly. I want to fucking shoot myself. Right. But what you're not thinking about right now after you bomb is that it's just a number, getting closer to what you want to do as a living.

it's like going up to somebody trying to sell a fucking cell phone and they say no and then the guy next to you sells three of them and then this guy sells them and you have an eight-day streak if you keep putting your heart into it it's going to turn

and that's the same thing with comedy you're going to go through dog you still haven't gone through that spell oh no what's about you know there's a spell comics go through where they're driving to a gig in Rhode Island and they hit a deer you haven't even

got into that venue yet. Oh, I've worried about that too. I have a word about it. What happens if I get into an accident? I'm late for the show. Then fuck it. Then you're late for the show. You got into an accident.

You hit a deal. You'll see them next time. The gas you paid, that comes out of your pocket. You learn the lesson. Next time, get a tank. You know what I'm saying? I fucking worry about everything. But the rest of the weekend was great.

Sunday was honestly one of my better days of comedy being back in Massachusetts. Because I had a 1 p.m. show at a Chinese restaurant, like an hour outside of Boston. And I was going, expecting no one to be there and to be terrible. And it was one of the better shows I've done since I've been back. It was packed. The woman who put it together got a ton of people there. They were layer to see comedy. Like the people were fun. The crowd was cool. And like then I got Chinese food after. It was fucking awesome. And it was just, and it's weird because I went from hosting and not doing great to literally

at a Chinese restaurant with Christmas decorations up. And I'm like, they, they loved, I did great. I had a great show. And then you went to see Jazzelnick and that was no vacation. Yeah, that was, I've only seen him. It's crazy that I never saw him at the store. And I've seen his specials. but I didn't really know much about him.

And my cousins hit me up and just asked if I wanted to go. And A, and I'm sorry, I think her name was Kelly Ryan. I think the future she did great. But the only way I could describe Jeslin that because I've been thinking about it today was every joke. He had a balloon and was blowing it up. And because I could feel like the audience, like they were just waiting for him to say something fucked. Like they're just waiting for it. And then, and like he sometimes takes a little longer.

and then when he did it, it would pop and the place would go nuts. Like, it was just so, like, there was, I don't want to say it's scripted, because I don't think it's necessarily scripted, but every joke is so greatly written. Like, there's not an ounce of, like, an extra word anywhere. Grip. Is it? Okay. Whatever he is, it's great.

He's a perfectionist, brother. You know, he's very funny, very dry, very dark. And what I respect about Jesonek, the truth is, anything he puts on video is going to hit because he puts two or three years into that special. Yeah. He doesn't pull what these other guys are doing eight months and there's another special. And they're talking about the same shit the same way. A lot of comics do. Listen, after 15 years, you've got to run out of fucking material.

So you got to keep it fresh. You know, after you change. So your point of view changes. you know, everything changes. So you cannot beat yourself up. And even with writing, you're going to have a period leave where you're going to write some bad, fucking jokes. Yep.

And then there's going to be a period where you're going to write some great jokes. And there's times, I'll tell you when it gets worse, when you don't know what's good or what's bad, and you put out like an album, like eating pussy with asthma, that album. But again, it was rushed. We didn't know. in those days.

We thought the material was good. You know, this is the shit you learned at the 20 year mark. So right now, the best thing you could do, my friend, is just keep getting on stage. If you bomb, you get in the car, and you go to another comedy club. Yeah, it was, Jezel Neck was so good that I went to the, there's an open mic on Sundays in Worcester. And I went at like 10 o'clock because he was just, he was so good. and it was crazy because he's not super high energy and like I'm not and then he also

he did something that I've seen that I've never seen anyone do he shit on Boston like he basically said fuck you and people like yeah like it was like no other comment could do that like he was basically it was just it's amazing what he's able to do he's a gifted dude you know and he takes his time

it's a really good fucking comedy show. He's a complete, you know, now you see the differences between him and Bill Burr. Two great comics, just two different fucking him and Chappelle. You know,

there's a lot of great work out there. But you see who's putting in the work and you see who's just shuffling out material. It becomes a cash register. I would do the same. If Netflix kept calling me every eight months,

I'd be going on there singing songs. I'd have a band by now and a fucking harmonica. But real quick, here's to an ad from BetterHelp. Hey, this episode of the checking is brought to you by BetterHelp. I love Better Help. Why? Because I used them. Listen, the holidays are here. We all get stressed out sometimes.

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somebody to talk to a shoulder to lean on something, contact BetterHelp. Go to BetterHelp.com. They're going to help you out. Today I was talking on a Patreon podcast about I know this time of the year. This time of the year, you're jumping up and down or you fucking got your dick

in the dirt. There's no in between. Either you broke and people have to learn one thing that some of the best Christmases I had when I was fucking dirt broke. That's when you saw what Christmas was about, the humanity. You know, people saying, hey, Joey, I know you smell. You've been sleeping on a rocket ship with piss,

but come over, wash your neck, and you can eat some turkey. You know what I'm saying? I mean, so I was talking about that. So, yeah, the holidays are fucking, you know, I mean, my agent called me today. They close on Friday. Oh yeah. It's dead right now. I was thinking about that today because I have a friend who's looking for a job and I told them I'm like, listen, don't even bother right now. Like, people are checked out. If you go to any of these department stores right now, they'll hire you for 10 days. Oh, yeah, like that kind of a job. Yeah. You don't have to be fucking broke right now. Everybody's looking for something. You got a shovel, take down the Christmas decorations. There's going to be a parade in New York City. You can get two thousand. I don't know what my friend was picking up. there for cleaning up the fucking sidewalk and garbage and sticks. You know, there's a bunch of hustles now.

This is the time of year that if you want work, if you really won't work, if you want somebody to give you 15, 60 an hour, go to a cold, go to any of those places. You know, they're stocking. Dude, I did it, but when I got back from L.A. before I had

my day job, I did, I only did it once, but I stole the app. You can deliver Amazon packages. And they pay you like 25, 30, and hour. It's pretty, I mean, it's not like consistent, but you could, if you have an SUV, you can deliver Amazon packages. In your area? Yeah. And I only did it once. And it was, it couldn't be, it took, it took me like two hours

instead of the four hours they said it should take because it was, I got lucky and they were all right next to each other. There's a lot of, like, it's pretty crazy what you can do on your own schedule. Like, you're not going to get rich, but between like, ooh, delivering shit. Like you can do a lot of shit by yourself with your phone. I had a friend. He's two years younger than me. We grew up together.

I would just talk to him about a week ago. And he told me that he got rid of his job. He didn't want to do it anymore. He couldn't take seven more years there. He said he got an early retirement that I'm going to start paying him to he's 62. And he's okay with that. And he got a job driving an Uber in an area where he's putting, down $250 a day the last

couple fucking weeks, two weeks. He's making better money than if he had a job. He's a fucking stalker like me. He wakes up some nights at 4 in the morning to pee and he says he gets he smokes a cigarette. He goes, fuck it. I get my car

at 4th to 30 and in five minutes I got a hit to go to Newark Airport. Yeah. Oh yeah. Especially the airport ones around there. So he goes from all in there. No, he don't let. He lives an hour from me. but even like anywhere like around like Newark or New York I had an Uber driver in Kansas City

and I thought about you because he broke it down for me he's like what I do is when I take someone from the airport I ask them if they're in town for a conference and then I look up that conference and I see what time the things get out and if you like you can definitely make money doing that that's pretty cool and it's nice because you have complete freedom

you can turn it off whenever you want right now like for people I'm a comic. I can't find any work. I'm a musician. I can't. Right now is the best time to be a comedian starting

or a fucking musician. Listen, when I fucking started comedy, I had to fucking go into an office and sell insurance from five to nine. You found part-time jobs, but you had it, you know, for you to have your own car today

as a comedian. Like me, if I was 30, if this was 19, 93 and I really wanted to develop as a comedian do as many sets as I could I'd either go to two places Austin Texas or New York if you're spotless clean come to New York they'll love you you'll be a genius in a year because half the clubs are very woke right I never thought about that yeah it's not woke in Jersey in Texas oh yeah in Austin it's not woke they won't allow it you know Rogan those guys like we're

pushing the fucking envelope we don't give a fuck who's and And right now, you go to Austin right now and as a five-year comic, you could borrow the money from Grandma, ask her, Grant, what are you going to leave me in the inheritance? I'll get an apartment. You know, let me tell you some, apartments are not cheap in Austin. So you have to live outside of Austin now. But still, driving an Uber to the airport,

that airport's packed off fucking day. People going down there daily to look at houses, homes, to see what the fucking musk is about. They already went to Nashville. They've already been to L.A. and got mugged by a homeless guy. It's time to go see what Austin's about, you know? Right. And, dog, I mean, I was thinking about, the other day, I was in that limo,

and I was talking to the guy, and I go, I drove a limo, and he goes, how was it back then? And I go, I started at 4.30, and I picked a box up and angle with clips, and I would take it to New York City, the eyewitness news. It was like the news clips or something. I never looked in there. And I would drop it off and they paid me like $45 for that run.

It was a quick $45. It was every day. And then from there, I had their car and I'm in New York City. Oh, shit. The only thing that sucked was parking. Right. That would have eaten up that $45 bucks real quick. Real quick.

So you had to drive around, find a spot, and then I would run in and sign up for an open mic. That's how I learned all the open mics by that fucking car. I would get myself two open mics. It would be 9.30, and I'd get a call to go to Kennedy Airport. Twice. Go pick up this guy and then go back in an hour and pick up another guy. Perfect.

I just made a buck 50 for the night plus he's going to tip me. So I would go up, pick him up, come back. What I'm trying to say is I had options driving. Today you have more options driving. You got DoorDash, you got Uber Eats, you got Uber, you got, you know, you have all these ways as a young comic

to make a living and practice your shit in the car. You would test it out on people? Why not? You're fighting for a tip, right? Right, I guess. And you're not going to, you ever get in a car with an Uber driver

that don't speak your language? And the whole time he's got, got an earphone on like fucking, like he's Janet Jackson's assistant manager. And three times while you're driving with him in the fucking Uber. You actually look at him and go, what? He ain't talking.

He's talking. He's talking to fucking Hamas over there. Whatever the fuck he's saying. Think about that guy. Now, think about, I got an Uber driver maybe two years ago after the pandemic. I was going somewhere. He offered me water.

He spoke to me. He offered me candy. There's candy in the back. There's hand sanitizer. You know, what kind of music do you want? This is a fucking Uber X. I'm a fucking fat fuck. He didn't know that.

He didn't know I was a comedian, nothing. Right. At the end, he asked me. He goes, you look familiar by the man. I go, yeah, and he goes, oh, I thought you were one of the guys, Mr. Pryton. But still, the guy offered you water. There was candy.

There was sanitizer. If you're just nice in this fucking Uber business and you crack a joke, God forbid, they smoke dope. They can pick somebody up at the airport and, you know,

they got no weed. And all of a sudden, you hit them with a fucking number and you tell them to take one to go. What's that guy not going to do for you? Jesus Christ. Yeah, you get a lot of tips. If you were killing away joints as a tip,

as a bonus. You're giving away your entertainment in comparison to what you're going up against in New York, people not talking to you. Right. You got three heads of the fucking cab. I need that. oh, I can't.

It's a whole different system in New York City. Like, you have to get, like, a taxi license. You can make money, money there. But that's where, like, it's, it is pretty cool. You got competition. Right. The probable odds are you getting hit, like, every three weeks, you got to argue with some guy who don't have insurance

and you don't know English and shit. Most likely. Fuck. Yeah, that's great. So that's what you would do now. If you were 30s, you'd do that. I just, it is pretty cool. It's, um, do you remember when you made the like the full leap to not having like any sort of day job?

I'd be about 2002 when I said, you know, I'm not making it as a comic. I'm not making enough money as a comic. But I'm also not making them enough money doing whatever the fuck I'm doing. And I'm doing it together. So after a while, if you're giving something else 50% of your energy, I always sold stuff. I'm thinking. And you're doing comedy. And look, once I added the sales to the comedy, that's when everything happened.

So you have to look at your account, your situation, you have to plan. You know, one thing I did as a comic in the beginning was I didn't have much money in 1990. When Tribble called me, I didn't have much money. And I remember that I looked at what I brought in, and I was honest with myself. My rent was $400, Lee. 28 years ago in Boulder, you know. I didn't have a car payment. I don't know if I paid for insurance.

I doubt it. I put gas in the car. I had a pager. I didn't go into this with a $3,000 or $4,000 nut. I knew this is bad bones. Grandma gave you $1,000. Mom gave you $500. This is bad bones.

Your uncle gave you a Nissan. from 2008 with 150,000 miles. You take care of that car. You got another 150,000 miles. So all you got to do is pay for insurance. You put a blanket in there. You put everything you think of in that fucking car.

Blankets, can openers, a basketball, a frisbee, another blanket, anything that you think, Band-Aids, and you start doing comedy. If this is what you really want to do, you know, think of the great comment. what they did. You think I wrote this book on comedy? I remember hearing stories about Mitch Hedberg and Chard Hogan getting in a car and going from New York to L.A., doing

sets and clubs, doing 30 guest sets in a week and getting eight weeks of work. Wow. You know, not everybody had the same path. Fucking Doug Stano went San Francisco. He was living in his car. And the day of the contest, somebody broke into his car and stole its closed. Holy shit. He went to a thrift store. He bought a suit and he went in there and won.

With comedy, you have to learn the other thing that's in your way. There's two things in your way with comedy. You, an adversary, an adversity. Because shit's going to fucking happen. Shit's going to happen to throw you off your game. The universe takes care of you

in more ways than you'll ever fucking know. And when they throw a little... How about I got arrested in Idaho? And I had a show at 9 o'clock. And I got to the show at 10 at the night, like, nothing happened. I don't, I'm not trying to, did you hit someone with a tray of food?

Yeah, you know. There's that adversity? I shoplifted a tent and I tried to bring it back. Oh, that was where the tent was. Okay, I was trying to think of what Idaho was. It's, that is fucked up, though, that you'll get. So after that, I'm like, I can't trust myself to fuck not be in jail one of these days in one of these towns.

What happens if you're pulling out, you got a gram of Coke, and the person who's driving is drinking? I'm going to jail. So you have all this adversity in front of you, and then you have your own demons. But with comedy, the demons got nothing to do with you if you still right and push forward. If you let the demons get you, I mean, listen,

the demons will get you after a while. The demons will always get you if you let them. But for me, the demons went away, the more I progressed in comedy. You know what I'm saying? Like, they started going away, started going away. And you're always going to have two or three of them in there, but you learn to cope with them. You open up the closet once a month.

You go, hello. It's to get humbled, like, it's kind of scary for me right now in a way. In a good way, like, it's exciting. But, like, I look. at all the comics that I got to meet and then I like, and then I look at like some that I meet either featuring or at other shows, and they're very funny,

but they're not touring, they're not at that level or the level that I want to be at. And it's just like, what did they do wrong? Or what did these other people do right? Like it's just, it's a big toss up if I'm ever going to quote unquote make it. I know that can change for anyone, but that's like to even be a word.

working comedian is a big toss-up. What people don't understand is that when you're getting to that feature act, when you're getting to that beginning to get in there, you're feeling good about yourself, but you're getting a lot of negative feedback from younger comics that they blame the world for everything. There's people who just blame the world for everything.

They did this to me, he didn't like me. So you're going to go in there one day and go, this weekend I'm working for Joey Dears. He's got a club in Boston. Some guy's going to go, fuck that dude. I went in there and killed. He never brought me back. Now, you've known this guy for three months.

He's never got a laugh. Right. You follow me? Yeah. So you're going to have a lot of negativity. I mean, for me, in the beginning, it's just different clubs and what people will tell you. But while they're telling you all the negativity,

all you're thinking about is the sets. I'm going to do five sets. In three nights, I'm going to make $400, and I'll live with that. No matter what this guy is telling you, I've been through way worse. Right. And then after I became a feature, and I started outlining and touring the West Coast, oh, my God, Lee. I mean, 60% of the comics I work with destroyed L.A.

You're never going to make it. Don't even try. I've been there for eight years. I never got a spot at the improv yet. I go every Sunday, I put my name in the hat. but then you see these guys and you see how they you know, they're tearing out

Oh, you got to be gay to be in Hollywood and you want to smack them in the mouth. What are you talking about? I'm the opposite of fucking gay and I love it. I'm trying to get ahead. So I got to love it there. It's a land the opportunity for me.

But if somebody came on to you and you suck their dick and didn't get the pay off, that ain't my problem. You bumped into the wrong Harvey Weinstein. You know, so then you get into all that, negativity. There's always going to be so much negativity

and that's tied with mental health. So as they're telling you all this bad shit, you're looking at him going, I'm sleeping in my car, buddy. I live in my car. I ate a subway for lunch and dinner and you're trying to tell me that this guy,

fuck you, I'm going to do it better than you did. You went in there unprepared, you started drinking at the bar, you thought you were fucking Johnny Gambino. I'm not doing that. I'm going in there as a professional. And that's the problems that you have. You're going to run into it.

Every time you say something. I'm going to Austin to do Rogan's room. Well, fuck him, man. I did kill Tony and I didn't get my deal from CBS. Oh, okay. Right. Okay. It's just crazy. It's a cool week.

I feel like I learned a lot this week. It's funny. I think I told you the data Jelly Row, I mean, when Cher went up, two of the moms are crying, and the gay dudes are crying. I didn't say nothing. You know, sometimes people move you to tears. Sometimes I know I get moved to tears a lot. And when Jelly Row came up and he was singing,

Need a favor, you know, I tell you, man, I got emotional. And also, I'm like, you know what? You know what's crazy about me? I got unfinished business. You know, I go, if I start getting on stage this month, maybe I could start touring again, and maybe next year I could sell this fucking garden out. I really thought about that.

And when I went down to see Jelly, I told him, I go, you inspired me a little bit, brother. That was fucking great. Because I know where you came from. You know, you really get to know people. I got home, put ice on my knee, put ice on my knee, put ice on my ankle, went to bed, went to a kid's basketball game.

I came in and I go, all right, let's write some jokes. Fuck that shit. You know, I got, he inspired me for a couple minutes. And I think it's because I know how much work it is involved. And I just don't have 10 hours a day to become a great comic again. I wish I did. I take naps in the afternoon now.

I'm up at 6 a.m., 5 a.m., you know, because I know how much work goes into this process. And you and I, I'm the type of guy that I like to check on people from time to time. Right. And what they're doing. And I check on the people that were the complainers. Really?

Yeah. I check on the people who said negative things. Like at the comedy store, at the improv. And these guys just kept their mouth shut. If they would have kept that, even a guy like me, I'm a fucking, criminal and I kept it together at the store and I kept it together at the improv and I kept it together at the laugh factory

and then for many years I went to theaters and clubs not a fucking complaint you know but it's uh it's just crazy that these guys go into these places and they think they're fucking balushi and then they want to come back like listen there's people a lot of people from the old days

didn't re-ire at me no matter how many tickets I was selling but it was very interesting to see and These guys were always complaining in LA about something. And you check them what they're doing now, and they're still doing backyard comedy shows. They're still, they're living in Podong towns doing like these shows that you're like,

so you complained about all that to go back to this? Right. Yeah, there's a lot of that. And I feel really bad because they just didn't wait for the miracle to happen. And listen, you can't go from being. a waiter and doing spots at Vinnie's Landing in LA, you know, it's not going to happen that way. I never saw it.

I never saw it. I mean, we have a new process now. You know, for years, people became YouTube stars. Now we got TikTok stars. You know, and I'm always happy when somebody makes it, especially when somebody tricks their way in. I tricked my way in. Kim Kardashian tricked their way in. When you really look at successful people, They tricked their way in, you know.

But then at some point, you have to cover the spread. So you trick their way in. Now what are you going to do? It's like I tell people, so you got Johnny Carson. You got a fucking spot on Johnny Carson. You're only thinking about the spot. I'm thinking about, I know I'm going to destroy the fucking show. What's your next move?

You always have, as a comic, you got to be looking at that little move, not the garden. don't come to me when you're still sending out tapes, you know, and you can't get it and say, you know, I see the garden in my future. Shut the fuck up. I want you to worry about the thing in front of you. You know, for me, it was always like the improvs. The comedy store was always seen so far away

when I first started comedy. But the improvs had 22 clubs. At the time, maybe eight of them. I knew that one of them would take me. Do you know what I'm saying? Is this all from sales? Like looking ahead, like your next focus on your next goal. Like that was, what you just said was pretty big to me.

Like, folk, like, what you're going to. It's about fucking life. Comedy is down and fucking dirty. It's about life like anything else. And you're always trying to break in, but you're breaking in, but always thinking about after you break in, what are you going to do when you get there? What good is it if I can break into a bank if I can't open up a safe?

What am I going to do? Wait outside the door. God to open up the safe. Right. My brain doesn't think like that, I guess. And it makes total sense, and I need to start thinking like that. And you do it a little bit. It's not your fault that you don't think that way.

It's not your fault. You're not, you're still putting the pieces together. I don't expect you to think that way. I should expect you. I expect you to know that I think that way. because I saw it happen in front of my eyes. I saw Chelsea happen. Chelsea handler, she was opening for a town,

got on the show, you know, playing pranks. There it is. I saw Josh Wolf take off in front of my eyes. I saw Ralphie Mae blow up on Last Comic Standing. You know, you heard all the stories. I saw Joe Rogan go from news radio, to fear factor to so I

I want people know there's always possibilities if you do to work but most important I saw myself do it I would think about things and go yeah maybe and then we're halfway there

well I always knew I was going to get here because I kept doing my job but silently I was actually going for that thing I just didn't tell you it's none of your business what I'm going for it's my thing I don't need legal. And whatever happened with the longest yard, asshole,

you lost it to that fat fuck. This is my thing. And I'm going to work on it as hard as I can to get that. I think the comics take a lot of bad chances in L.A. You saw it. What about the guy who shot the special? It was going to go on Showtime, his friend, and then he went to put it up,

and there was an air conditioner behind them that kept making noise, and nobody could hear the audience laugh. everybody thought they were going to beat the system shoot my own specials and doing this and it's time to shoot your own special somebody will let you fucking know and then you can put it on YouTube and not worry about it, you know,

but that's what I saw. I saw a lot of people working hard but not working smart. I saw Rafi go from a fucking one-bedroom apartment to a mansion up on the hill. I saw these things. I saw myself going from a one-bedroom apartment with nine cats to a house in New Jersey and the ability to pay for it and years of doing stand-up.

And, you know, you thought when I first started doing comedy, theaters or in my, I was thinking about theaters? Let me ask you this. At my level, at five years, what was your dream? Did you have a comedy dream? My dream was to go on tour. My dream was to do a tour just to get in a car and drive and get the fuck away from who I was and everything involved with it. And just drive from city to city, smoke different pot, eat different people, and try to make people laugh. At the five-year mark, there was never a thought of anything else, guys.

I still remember going to Michigan and meeting a girl, and we end up going to Seattle. Do you think that was in my plan? And then I'm going to see out on the first kid I met is Josh Wolf. You think that was in my plan? You know? And I met Josh Wolf in a pool of 48 comics, 50 comics. Those 50 comics, three of them came down. And could you see that in Josh?

Like, is that what attracted you to him or was just him personally? And it happened to be you too. I just knew he was a hustler and a winner. You know, I knew Josh. and he was really good looking and I knew that what he was going for. I watched him on stage. We both ate the same nachos

on a Tuesday night when we were broke. You know, when you see that, it tastes a lot better. So what I want to tell comics is what I tell, the thing that pissed me off the most about my high school was my guidance counselor.

Because he didn't tell me about New York City and all the opportunities I had there. Nobody ever told me about an acting class in New York City. My freshman year, I won the fucking improv thing. You know, I took intro to performing arts, and one of them was improv.

And I went up there, and I sang like Shattered, and I won first place. Nobody pulled me aside and said, have you considered going into the city? Wow. Yeah. That wasn't really considered back then. And nobody showed me the opportunities. So my mind was always closed

to do. dog, you could, you know, for years, I thought, oh, I'll be in the city bartending, and Bruce Willis will come in and hire me for a movie. That's like a stupid kid dream. That's like a pipe dream. Right. Does it happen from time to time? I'm a producer.

I come into a movie theater, into a bar. We get hammered. You get me a gram of Coke. I need a waiter for this movie. I'll give you the part for scale for two days. Well, like now that was. would be luck, but back then, it sounds like you didn't even, like, know that there were other ways to do it. No, and it wasn't until I was ready. Listen, I never thought I would go to L.A.

Knock on wood, and God bless Doug Stahoe for talking me into L.A. I remember going, this is it. Doug Stahope was walking me into the lines that I'm going to die. I'm going to get eaten alive up in L.A. I ain't a fucking comic for L.A. But, Doug, I hit the floor running because I knew I was. the comic for LA. So now I had to work myself up to being that comic. You know, a year ago, I got a blue belt. Was I a blue belt at the time?

Fuck, no. But he gave me a blue belt after I was there for a year and a half. And over this year, beside the injuries, I've grown into being a okay blue belt. I could sweep, I could mount, I could do different things. And my blue belt with eight stripes and my purple belt. Fuck no. My point is, when I got into the store, I wasn't ready. But just walking in that door and doing those sets got me ready.

You know, there's a thousand stories about like baseball, where a kid gets called up for the World Series and he ends up hitting three home runs. People are like, he's not ready. But after a game, he'll be fucking ready. You know? I never thought you were ready for this shit. And you were.

You sat there listening and you sat to, and like I've told you a thousand times before, the common denominator was always the guys who kept pushing in hard work. They didn't give a fuck what you had to say. And they had, listen, having good people around you helps. Absolutely. If, you know, when those kids bother you and go, hey man, how about me, you Lee, and fucking, we go to Boston, we get all the big comics and we make a movie. that movie will do a million dollars.

What are you talking about, stupid? I'm definitely, oh. Meanwhile, you're mind-fucking yourself with a stupid movie. Right. You can be writing a joke. This is just about writing jokes and getting on stage.

That's it. I don't want to hear your nonsense. When it's time to hear your nonsense, I'll fucking call you. Until then, the only thing I want to hear from you is monthly, 32 sets, 48 sets, 52 sets, and I bombed 55 of those sets. You know, I don't care

because I know the more you get on stage, you're going to twist the fucking odds. We've had these conversations late. Oh, yeah. And it's with anything. You know, right now I'm outlining a book. Did you know what I didn't know? When I met you, I didn't know how to outline a book.

No. You were doing the blog. I couldn't even, yeah, and that was a fucking nightmare of a blog. The spelling was wrong. Oh, but now I'm. could write a blog, I'm just lazy, I won't. I thought about it. I just don't know what I'd write a blog, a fucking

Bob, you know, so am I going to force the hand, like a fucking moot de law? Hell no, but it was I love these talks, man, they mean a lot to me. No, I love them too, because I want to get this shit out there for people, because the one thing that bothered me, the most the last five years living in L.A.

Was the hit and runners. And you and I were not going to drop names, we had 100 hitting runners. We had people who thought we were going to save them. It got me mad because I couldn't save you. If you saved yourself

a little bit, then I could help you. You just wanted to fucking bust and walk in. And Doug, I saw that my last 10 years more than any time I was there before. How many people were really just trying to piggyback and

you know, dog how many people laughed at me when I started doing podcasting with Felicia Michaels I still remember being at a fucking barbecue I'm not going to tell you who is like dog you're wasting your time meanwhile this poor guy right now

is an old folks home somewhere yeah yeah that's awesome that you get to do that it's really weird but people really don't know what they have inside them and I hope from this podcast

especially tonight, they learned that there's more in them than they fucking really know. Because if you thought when I was in that jail cell, I saw myself on the set with David Chase, whether it was a good movie or a bad movie, you're out of your fucking mind. You know, when I walked on certain movies, when I walked on the De Niro movie,

I knew exactly what I was doing as an actor. Forget the stand-up. I knew exactly what I was doing. 2013. I had been acting for fucking 15 years at that time. I knew exactly what is shit, where to stand. That means I saved time.

You know, I say I would go prepared, but I learned all that from stand-up. It's amazing how much I have left to learn. It's intimidating. But the learning, nobody can teach you. That's a problem with stand-up. Nobody can teach you.

What you learn is by going out there, by putting yourself out there. Right now, your next move is to contact, and I told you this, as many one-nighters as you can in the five-state area. Somebody's got to have a name of a fucking Booker who's got three rooms in Vermont, a Wednesday, Thursday, and a Friday. That, you know, he gives you a ski pass, he buys your two mugs of beer, and he puts you up.

But if you really want to do comedy, you're thinking about 10 years from now. And even then, you think in 95, I was thinking about 10 years from now, just put me in jail now for felony lying. I never thought about that. Because in 95, I was 10 years away from the longest yard coming out. Do you really think I saw that coming? Oh, fuck out of my face. I mean, you didn't have the resources that I have, so hopefully I can use it.

I'm trying. I just knew I had to get stand-up. And I would get funnier. I couldn't afford acting class in 1995. But I knew that Robin Williams had impeccable timing from stand-up. And I knew there was a lot of other comics that had become great actors and rappers. So we always had a chance. But that's in the back burner.

Let's get to be the thing that matters the most. The funniest motherfucker that we could be. I'm watching Starvost is special tonight. Oh, it was good. Yeah, I heard it's really good. So I'm going to give him a shot. And that's it. Leek, two weeks away from Christmas.

Next Monday we'll be on and then we'll figure one podcast in before New Year's because New Year's Day is a Monday. Or maybe New Year's Day. I don't know. Let's see what the fuck's cracking in the world of podcasting. We'll figure it out. I can't wait. Well, I'm happy about tonight.

I'm happy about your Sunday. It seemed like you had a great Sunday last. week. It was great. And it's time to go watch fucking Starbos is special. Eat a fucking cheeseburger with no bread and fucking smoke a few numbers and see what happens with these edibles tonight, this mushroom.

I love you, but I'll be at Mohegan Sun this Thursday through Saturday with Josh Wolf if you're in the house. Oh, shit. Congratulations, my brother. That'll be a good time. Call me when you're on the mushroom. Well, I'll talk to you after this in an hour, probably. But I'll definitely call you on Friday night.

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