The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Episode #16 - When I was 20 I met a girl that was a pilgrim

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

This week on The Check In Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about something Joey never did during his stand up career that he regrets now, why he is much more excited for Christmas than ever before, and Joey's plan for Cuban Lives Matter. Support the show & get 20% off your order at https://www.liquidiv.com with code JOEY   Support the show & get Factor for 50% off at https://www.factormeals.com/DIAZ50 & use code DIAZ50   New customers can score $150 instantly in bonus bets for throwing down just $5 on the NBA. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & use code JOEY   This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ & get on your way to being your best self.  

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I can rule the world. I see you've got to be thinking. Welcome back to show. The lighting looks different. It looks like a greenish and a blue today. You know how we do it, Doug? We're trying to diversify over here, you know what I'm saying? How was your day, Tarzan?

It was fine. You know, I'm fucking, it's a big difference. Like, you talked about, you would talk about going from, you know, being on the road to being at the store and the stuff dying. For me, it's, I'm having the most fun. The weekend, like it said, it couldn't be more fun doing two shows a night. and then I go back to like day job on Monday. Like, ooh, it's, it's very different. Very fucking different.

Yeah. Doing comedy the whole time. You're thinking about quitting your fuck. Like, why am I going to go back on Monday? It's the, it's like a surreal world that you live in when you're like, in between because you can't really quit your day job to MC. Right. So, but once you start featuring, you got to shit or get off the fucking pot.

You have to decide about the job, and that's when you look at your budget. You look at what's coming in, what you're expected to come in, what's in your bank account. Do I need a fucking Corvette? Not really. I just need a Nissan. I could sell down. You know, when I started, like, when I got serious about comedy, I had nothing. I was coming off a divorce.

I was basically fucking living from day to day. but I knew that like I had to have my apartment went from like $980 to $400. Like everything got cut. You know, the phone, you don't need it. A cable TV, you don't need it.

When you're doing comedy, you just don't need these things. And that's what forces you. It's like to get good at comedy for like two or three years to get into the rhythm, you have to force yourself. It's like a prison. You go to work, you go home, you eat, you're right, you go to the gym,

then you go do two open mics, and then you go home. And then on the weekends, you know, you fucking work till Friday, and then you, and it's hard. It's fucking hard, man. It's hard to balance both. And at one point, you're going to bust.

And one day you just walk out of the office. I wouldn't be surprised. It's just, and it's not like, I actually, my day job is not bad, but it's, especially weekends that were stuff, goes well and like the shows are fun and then like you know being i always the the road has is always like so romantic to me like just the idea of like being in a hotel in a city like i've

never been to it's just like i don't it just sounds awesome so just like the entire thing is fun like i to me that was the allure of it i like to travel i like the but it was It was weird going back into, like, for me, I have to remember, I took a job and I was selling cars, and he, he took the, he made the job flexible enough, you know, and it was working. I wasn't, I wasn't becoming rich, but as I was at least, you know, keeping the lights on. But then things would happen to tell me this isn't what I'm going to do anymore. Like, I get a sign from God or whoever the fuck it was, the comedy gods. It's like, you know, I would always have, like, the last two salesman jobs I had, the cars blew up, you know?

Like when you were driving them? Yeah, like, I went to do comedy and I kept the job and they would give me a car to drive. And one time I just left the car. One time I got stuck in a brand spanking new, and it was for Bert's manager. Judy Brown, Bert, Sebastian's manager. Right. She had a gig like at a ski resort. and it didn't have a hotel.

The feature and the headline, I had a hotel, but I didn't get a hotel. So I basically drove up there for the small 30, whatever the fuck it is. And my fucking, at the end of the show, I was having a good time. And I got my car. It was one of those brand new jeeps.

Like it was, I mean, brand spanking knew. It had to be 94 Jeep. and the fucking timing belt or something blew out on it. Jesus. I asked, I was talking to Josh about that this weekend, about like if your car breaks down on the way to, like it just, I get anxiety about stuff like that now.

I'm getting into an accident. It's going to happen. It's going to happen, you know? And then one night was the time I told you, I went up to, like, Wyoming, and the guy had to leave because his wife was cheating on him. And on the way back, the car started going on fire. The car just lit itself on fire, dog, on the road.

It was fucking snowing. We had to walk like a mile in the snow with our little bags, overnight bags. I never heard of those people again. Like, that car just blew up on I-70 somewhere. And I never heard from those people again. It was just, it was, and I would go home and go, I wouldn't even be upset. I just knew it was a sign telling me to go for it. And I wouldn't go for it.

I was such a fucking pussy. Like I always wanted that. Well, I had child support. I had a, you know, I had a bunch of fucking things. I had an addiction. I had child support. It wasn't like I was putting it into my house, like painting the room or nothing. I had an apartment.

I never turned the stove on. I ate all my three meals out. And I snorted Coke and I fucking paid child support. That's what I was going to ask. Because you're a very organized person. I can imagine you writing a budget with Coke. Do you have like budget coke into your like expenses? In those days, hell yeah.

I had a monthly stipend for it. Because why lie to yourself? Right. I wasn't going to lie to myself. I was putting away like anywhere from 150 to 300 a week in those days. And I was broke. And I was fucking broke. Just, you know, selling Coke, selling an ounce of weed.

I'm just putting it all together while I'm doing comedy. Well, in the beginning of LA, I think until 2002 in LA, I was doing creepy shit, you know. And I, yeah, I wasn't the comedy store. I was selling pounds of weed to agents and, you know. So you got to do what you got to do, especially, like, even back then it probably wasn't a lot of money, but features make at most, usually, unless the headline is very nice, like $100 a show. Yeah. So if you got five shows and no hotel is a feature, which is the status quo now. Right, yeah.

They don't go to a fucking hotel now, you know? You break even, so you need another job. It's very scary to think about doing it. So, but like that's, because I've been thinking about you, I think about, like, the stuff we talked about on the church a lot and something, I forget who it was. I also, I was listening to another podcast, and the podcaster was talking, a comic was talking about, like, doing a vision board on, like, New Year's Eve.

So, like, I've been trying, I've been working. on someone like a plan and like do you believe in any of that stuff or not really like is you take a plan very seriously i know that of what like uh i'm sorry i like there's my oh no that's okay and i couldn't the message wouldn't come up on my fucking phone and i knew he was going to hit me back so but anyway i'm very sorry a vision board no just just like a plan for like the next year year. So I have a plan. You have to have a yearly plan, a six-month plan,

and a three-month plan, and a 30-day plan. And that was me. You know, that was what I did. People, I just saw Sebastian the other than a podcast talking about how he never wrote his goals down. And he's one of the biggest stars in comedy. So who the fuck gives the fuck what I think?

What I'm saying is everybody's different. everybody reacts to different things. I wanted to see my efforts. I wanted to make sure that 15 sets were done. Like, you could do whatever you want, Joey. You can do whatever you want. You could snort Coke. You could stay out.

But you got to give me 15 sets a month. And then the numbers became higher and higher. And then it got to 30, 35 sets a month, you know. Yeah, and I think I'm sure I don't do it I'm sure there's a lot of comics who don't do it

but it obviously worked for you so that's why I'm trying that's why I like listening to comedians' podcasts because I try to get little things of what they do and especially the ones

who have successful podcasts are doing something right you sat there with me for years listening to other comics fears their goals, how they did certain things, whether it was writing,

every comic brought something different to the table. Every musician that we had brought something different to the table. I got to be honest with you. The guy I learned the most from and all the years of podcasting was Rudy Sarzo. And I still confer with Rudy for big decisions. How was really good?

Rudy's fucking great. I talked to me once a week, though. That's my problem That's great And he still I see him on Instagram and Twitter all the time So what is I'm sorry for interrupting

What was he Why do you take so much from him Rudy gave us Something on every episode And whether people took it or not I loved when people would hit me up And go why do you put Rudy on there for And I didn't give a fuck

Rudy always has a place To speak with me Because he's not just a bass player He's an artist And he's got 50 years So whatever stupid story you got, don't match up to him. You know, he woke up on the bus one day. A plane went down.

There was his fucking best friend, you know, on a fucking tour. What are you doing on a Saturday? I don't know if it was a Saturday when he died, Randy Rhodes. But not to, he taught me the most important thing I ever learned from anybody in comedy. He taught me the words labor of love. And that changed my whole career. That changed everything for me when I heard those words. And days later, when it sank in,

what we do is a labor of love. They pay us for traveling. They pay us to have to deal with fucking people talking to you in your ear. I want to go to Monaco with you. Whatever the fuck they're saying, that's what you're getting paid for. When you're performing, whether it's a violin, whether it's a harmonica, whether it's comedy, whether it's spoken word. It's a labor of love.

You're giving yourself away, a piece of yourself away. If you're not doing it for the labor of love, go fucking do something different. Go do something different. And that's how my life was when I first got into comedy. It was all a labor of love. I didn't give a fuck about what you were paying me. Oh, you're going to pay me $50? Perfect.

I can eat it. You know? And then it became something else. And then it became a financial. And then I didn't like it anymore. Because that's why I enjoyed the book signing so much. There was no money. They had to buy a book for 20 bucks.

You know, they're going to get it anyway on Audible or whatever. I didn't want to charge you to take a picture or to fucking shape my hand. You know, I didn't want to charge you $20 to the book signing. I wanted to be there. And if you noticed, I was on time to all of them. I brought joints for everybody on all of them. I wanted, that was a laborer love for me. There was no money involved.

Listen, I'm not in the mood to take on a microphone today. And I'm not in the mood to answer questions, but I got two or three minutes for you. I wanted to talk to them because when I did stand up, it was just a stupid fucking picture. That's not really a contact point. I learned a lot from those fucking book signings. I learned a lot about myself.

Now I got to see if it was over to other things. What did you learn about yourself with the book signing? That I really love people again. And that doing stand up and that higher level pushed me away from these people. That's not what I ever wanted to do. That's why I never saw myself in an arena or a stadium. I never saw those things. One of the greatest memories. I remember hearing is that Gabriel did like three shows on Christmas night, Christmas Eve, at the John Lovitz Comedy Club. And I heard that the last show, he took them all the fucking pancakes.

He took all the fucking Denny's. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you heard the story. Yeah. You know, that's something that fucking lasts forever. That's something that I wish, you know. and every time I had an opportunity to do it like during the pandemic it fell apart on me whether it was getting a movie theater to show the fucking many saints in Newark the Patreon people which I'm happy you know now looking back

but it taught me that again that's why just I didn't want like when I did that last show in New York in January with you right I knew I didn't want to get on stage a long time. I knew it that night. Like, I'm fucking getting out of here. And it wasn't a Sony Hall. I love Sony Hall. I love it.

It was, I just did not want to do it anymore. And until I fall in love with it again, I love doing this thing with you on Monday nights. It's no pressure. I don't give a fuck if we're on the Apple top 100. I don't care if iTunes don't like it. I don't give a fuck of YouTube don't like it. Guess what?

The only one that's got to like it is us. So in my world, that's called a labor of fucking love. If I'm out here taking pictures all day and making video to watch the podcast, that's one thing. I enjoy doing the draft king's things. I really do doing the videos. You know, I like doing stupid fucking video, whatever. I'm limited with those. And that doesn't make me happy.

But back to what we were talking about, Rudy taught. me, you know, I learned from Ralphie on there. I learned from Theo Vaughn on there. I got a bunch of lessons from those things. When you looked at people and you're like, really, you did that? That was very interesting to me. Back then, you know, when we were doing a podcast, 2015, 16, it was really great. You know, it was a fucking bad for me and you because we were destroying our bodies.

We had fun. I mean, we had a blast, but it's, yeah, it's just the knowledge. That's one of the reasons I love podcasts. It was a labor of love. We were doing it with no rulebook. That's why for you to look at a podcast now that somebody did take, for you to look at a podcast of somebody who had the balls to do a podcast 13, 12, 10 years ago and say, well, on that podcast, you said something wrong.

I want you to remember one thing. There was no rule book. There was no rule book on YouTube. There was no fucking rule book. And it's something that I think gets talked about a lot And it's it's The people who came to watch Didn't have a

Like it's people might look back at it Who weren't church fans or that it wasn't for them And they might get upset But it's not like we got a bunch of hate back then No there was no rules Right To see church nobody Nobody takes hair to acid

And does a fucking podcast for four hours All right on a Sunday night with fucking people calling in and Duncan sending pictures of dirty people and you know, there was no rules. And it was a laborer love. I think for like a year, I was getting robbed

on the ads because I didn't know how to read the ads. So I would just read them every show and they were only paying me for one read. And they're like, your sponsors love you. Yeah, because I read them every fucking show for free. It was like a year. I didn't know what I was doing. I was a fucking idiot.

But that's crazy. It was a labor of love. It gave us a window like now. They just connect, fuck around. And if you're in, you're in, if you're not,

take a chance. Columbus did. Take a fucking shuttle. I was thinking about that time today. Because I don't remember the exact day. I don't know if you, I wonder if you do. But it's around now that you recorded it to either you or the priest.

It was right before Christ. Yeah, right? We released it in January. Yeah, because I remember the- 10 years ago, 11. Yeah, might even be more than that. Yeah. In 2012.

It's about, yeah. You know what I was thinking about before. I was watching the fucking news before. This afternoon it was raining terribly. I made a video of me and Gray and a piece of cat, or pizza. I saw that.

Dog, she tears pizza fucking up. First off, Gray tears anything up. the only thing Gray really don't like is shrimp and she's a fucking cat and she doesn't make sense she doesn't like all the fishes but Gray will eat pork fried rice

gray will eat fucking seshwan beef Gray will eat fucking cheeseburgers if you leave Gray alone for two minutes and walk away from your dish she will jump on that table and at least try your shit I get mad at it, but I don't.

Do you put it on a separate plate for her, or you just know that she's going to go after your... First of all, I know she likes salami. Right. She loves prosciutto. She loves wet muts. Like, you know, she loves fucking ham. Won't eat cheese.

But Boar's Head, deluxe ham, she will tear that up. to shreds, okay? And I love with a death, but that cat eats everything. Remember, I picked that cat up on the streets. And she wasn't feral. She was half feral. And fucking, you know, she was living in somebody's house,

but they got dogs, and she couldn't go back into the house. So she had to live outside. When I met that cat, that cat was about three. And I was amazed that that's the longevity of a cat who lives outside. It's three years. I befriended her outside on the street. She walked me home. And I played with her outside.

And I had treats from my cats. So I brought them down for her. And one day she just scratched the fucking door. And my cats went crazy. And, you know, the neighbor, the owner of the cat told me, she goes, I got to be honest with you. You should just take her because she's your fucking cat. You're her dad.

I could see it. She fucking follows you. And we brought it even back here. I mean, she's been with us now for, yeah, 11 years. But the last two years, she's really come out of her fucking shell. That's great. When I wake up, she follows me down here, and she jumps on my lap when I'm on the computer.

Well, you have to keep her separated, right? Like, you have to keep her, like in your room or something? No. She didn't like anybody else. When we first got her, she was like, fuck you bitches. I don't like you motherfuckers at all, okay? and she lived in a house with like seven cats that fucking hated her and she would walk to the kitchen in front of them and they would go like

what the fuck is that look at it she would walk real timid and eat her food and then walk right back to a little hiding spot always facing them so they couldn't attack her from the back she always laid the wall she was very smart and she got into a couple beefs with like two of the cats, the girls fucking hated her. There was one girl I had that, I gotta tell you, broke her heart. She didn't last long after that. She did not like her in the house. Just the fact that she was there, she didn't like it.

Nope. He did not fucking like it. But ever since we moved to Jersey, when we first moved, me and her got into a beef one day, and we didn't fucking hang out for like three months. Over what? How did you get into me for the cat? I don't know.

I went upstairs when I laid on the bed and she didn't like it or something and she scratched me so I pushed her away and then she bit my finger something. It was something like, what the fuck, Brett? But we had just moved here. She was in shell shark. She was like a Vietnam vet.

So she's sleeping on my bed. I can't see it at night. I got no fucking carrots. I walked back to the bed and I think it's my sleep apnea machine. So when I put my hand out, I pushed her and she fucking swatted at me. And I'm like, great, what the fuck? And then so we didn't talk for like three or four months. It took me a year to get back on the good graces.

But I got farther with her in that year than I didn't like eight or nine years. Wow. She sleeps with me. She sleeps in between me and my wife. you know, she fucking, once we go to breakfast, once I get coffee in the morning, she sleeps on top of the heater for a few hours. And once I come to the office, she comes right down here. And she's by my feet, meow, and parent.

And then I'll leave for the day. And now she actually waits for me by the garage. And if I smoke dope in the garage, she follows me outside to the garage. It's a trip. That's awesome. That's crazy. It's a trip, man. Especially so many years. So you guys were eating pizza and watching.

in the news you were saying. So I came home today. I had to go to the doctor at 10. I went to the gym for a little while. And I had like a half-hour break. And I was sitting down here. My wife came down with two slices of pizza. And she goes, did you eat lunch when you were out?

And I go, no, I'll take a slice. I mean, I'm like, I don't feel like going to a restaurant or anything. But I did see something. When I went upstairs to go to the bathroom, the pizza case was upside down by the door. We were going to take it out. Whatever goes out next, take the garbage out. and she was already sniffing at the pizza box. So she knew she's fucking smart, man.

So as soon as my wife came down, she came down after my wife, my wife goes, go to the back. I have to go upstairs and get something to drink. In that time, she jumped on the fucking chair with me and just started chomping. There was a pizza cheese sticking out of the side, and you know, crispy pizza and fucking Old Bridge is back.

They opened up after the fire. I didn't know. I went up to Jiu-Jitsu last week, and I saw the sign. So when I went Sunday on the way back, I called my wife and there was some kids here. And I go, you know what? I'll bring a pie for them. I didn't even eat the pizza. But when I opened it up, it was cheesy. Nice. Like it was just an extra cheese pie, crispy to the max. Like, only they could do. And fucking, I didn't eat that day.

So my wife brought down a slice. I go, give me a slice. I didn't eat that whole slice. That fucking gray ate the whole slice. I got to give a half the fucking cheese. I got like the crust and a little bit of the middle. That's fucked up. She eats that much. Then she eats a can of cat food.

She eats a can of cat food at night, and she'll follow me around throughout the goddamn day. The cats are interesting. Listen, animals are interesting. I'm thinking of getting a dog next. If you look at what you do when you turn 60, what to do when you turn 60, they'll pay to get a dog.

That's awesome. Another German Shepherd? Yeah, but then I got to walk it. I got to figure out my leg situation and my knee situation. I don't want to walk a German ship and I'm fucking roller skates or a skateboard. I got to tie him to my fucking stroll or like a fat fucking old fuck.

And he pushes me like mush. You know, I don't need that either. What are you going to do? You know what I'm saying? I want to know the people who donate it to Black Lives Matter. Why? Because I need a big envelope. I don't want to work no more.

We can start you a GoFund me. I don't want to go fund me. Why? Like Cuban Lives Matter. Yeah, but how are you going to get the word out? No. If I can't get the word out, you ain't going to get it out. You know what I'm saying?

I got connections. I can spread the word. We'll buy raps and a little boat for Cuban people and bring them here and give them more dignity. But I'm not looking to bring buy raps. I'm looking to score 10 million first. then I'll buy a rap. They got a rap I knocked down my 10 million.

Because I was thinking about me and my wife were talking about. Look at all those people who donate the Black Lives Matters. Those people just broke off bought houses and really didn't do anything with the money. In my world, it seemed like it was a total scam. I did say that there were some people who fucked off with the money.

Oh, please. They always do. Even when the Hurricane Katrina, that man is doing 10 to 20 in Arkansas right now. He's doing fucking He's helping the Girl Scout make cookies. Oh, 10 to 20. So that's your new plan? Cuban Lives Matter?

What's that? Human Lives Matter? Sure, why not? Everybody should do it. I'm going to get like a Chinese guy. I'm going to find a guy from Portugal. I'm going to find a couple of them. Zambia.

Everybody matters. Now send the check, cock suckers. Guilt on their face. It was a perfect scam. They bounced off for guilt. I guarantee 90. percent of the people who donated to that were white Americans and like

50 had money and they felt guilty. My grandfather owned a slave. Cut a check. Now the guilt is over. Instead of going out and shaking one's hand and inviting them over to the house, you know what I'm saying? Cutting the check is the easiest thing. So they made millions of dollars, billions of dollars. We're not billions. Maybe 500 million, maybe.

And you only want 10. What? And you only want 10. That's really not that much. I'm not greedy. You know me. I just want to fucking go to Jiu-Jitsu and eat Chinese food until they put me in the casket.

That sounds like a good fucking life. Who I give a fuck? I fucking rain like a motherfucker here yesterday. I know it's raining up there. Yeah, it's not sound. Fucking people lost that power. Not me. I got a generator.

I didn't fuck around when I moved here. That's the first thing they told me when I moved here. Get a generator, dog. Power goes out. When I moved in this house, the power had just been back for three. days. And what like gas? Do you have to about go to the gas station

and fill it up? How does it work? You see my wife around here somewhere? I don't know what the, no, it's not gasoline, it's electric because it's in the fucking in the board. Wait, it can't be an electric one unless it charges. Because if the power goes out, how is it going to work? It recharges

every Wednesday by itself. It turns off the power of the house turns off and the charge it takes it over. It's fucking tremendous. That's badass. Yeah, the real to told us. Jimmy Florentine told me, they're like, before you buy that house, make sure you got enough money left over

for a fucking generator. I'm happy I did. But that's it. You know what's fucking crazy? Right now, we'll watch this podcast next Tuesday. That's it. Christmas will be over. You motherfuckers will be out with your little cash card spending money, going to comedy shows,

walking around New York City, dying to get mugged. You know, because next week is big in New York. city from Tuesday on straight to fucking Monday. People will be banging in the city for New Year's going to look at shit. Wait, like it's a good time to rob someone. Is that what you're saying? I don't know.

What am I criminal fucking well back then? A forecaster of criminal activities. I'm just saying. Like Black Friday. I don't know. No, it's not Black Friday. It's fucking right. Black Friday was in November. You know what I'm saying four criminals. It's not. It's not.

Oh, Black Friday for criminals. Very, very good. I like that little jockey. You should write that down and then don't repeat it. Anyway, what else happened this week? I didn't do shit. No. You know what?

People got mad at me. Why? I tweeted some. There was a in-and-out opened in Idaho, and people waited eight hours for in-and-out. So I tweeted that that was-do, and I, like, all I could think of is, like, would you wait eight hours for in and out in your car? Not for that shit. That's what I said.

I went away eight hours in the car. I'd better be a good cut of meat. There better be pussy hair on there or something, something different. That flavor is it. Eyebrow hair, something. Listen, Lee, I want you to, how old are you now? 35. I want you to, because you came up at a different time when I came up.

When I was 35, it was a different fucking world. And right now you're coming up in a world. It's so weird how. everything is a fucking gimmick and you don't see it. Like Lee, we had our office, what, 100 yards from in and out? Not even, yeah. You know, we went to the comedy store.

There was one on Sunset Bowl. I remember during the pandemic, the line I saw in and out was something you'd see for Woodstock or fucking Led Zeppelin at the garden. I'm not kidding you. It went from sunset, and it went all over. way to that street, the big street, and then it went

all the way up to Hollywood Boulevard. For a fucking cheeseburger, that's small. The fries got HIV, and I'm not going to tell you that, listen, it's one of the better burgers out there. Yeah, the burger's great. It's one of the better burgers out there, but before

I left, that burger was getting small. It was looking like a White Castle burger. And by now, with fucking Bynomics, that that's non-existent. I know the prices went up like a motherfucker. You know? I just always thought that it was just a tad

overrated. It was always a tad overrated. And that was my personal opinion. You know, I'm not a hamburger guy. It's not like I'm going to sit here with you and talk to you about my favorite cheeseburger. You know, there's so many good cheeseburgers. It really is.

Fucking, I'll take you to places around here that the cheeseburgers are brilliant. Brilliant. Like three or four places that the cheeseburgers are great. Do I go there every day or once a week? Not at all. Tonight's the big one, Osteria, 1695 for a cheeseburger and they give you a beer with French fries. Are you fucking kidding me? And it's not like a fucking McDonald burger.

It's a goddamn sirloin with fucking short rib, you know? These people ain't just making some walk in there on a Monday. There's 10 fucking savages. That's it. there should be 300 fucking savages in there. Yeah, you've been telling me about that since you moved there. So people, it's like a big gimmick, man. Like when you look at things, you're like, I lived there.

I was down the block from there. I never got it. It's like when I think the biggest disappointment is that hot dog place. Oh, yeah. Yeah, pinks. It's total garbage. But for people to get off a plane to go there, it breaks my heart. Did you ever go to Sonic?

I went to Sonic in Tennessee. And maybe I'm getting the wrong stuff, but I remember when it opened here in Massachusetts, I was in high school, and they had to shut it down because the line was going to the highway. And I was so excited to go when I was driving cross-country, and I've been, I think, two times,

and each time it was gross. Like the desserts and the drinks, I'm sure are great, but the food. Oh, it's... I was so excited. It's garbage. It's hot garbage. But people...

You know, I still remember when Boston Market had lines. The one in Fort Lee, New Jersey, I drove by it one day. I thought they were giving away free fucking cars. It was superb.

The line. And now, look, you go to Boston Market. They're trying to give it away. They got to fuck. fucking pale tea club, you know, life comes and goes, you know. It's too fucking confusing sometimes.

That's why you go, what the fuck happened? You know what burger I do miss from L.A.? The habit was pretty good. I like the habit. It wasn't amazing, but for like a fast food sort of, it was like in between because they made it for you. I just take my daughter to the habit because she liked it.

And they always had a specialty sandwich. And those were good. Their steak sandwich was good. And they had chicken. Mexican- grilled chicken was good, too. Grilled chicken with the fucking avocado and all that shit, you know. But yeah, you know, it's just, I don't know. I saw that.

I saw that eight-hour wait in Idaho. There ain't nothing going on in Idaho. So, go wait for you fucking out. You know what I'm saying? I got nothing against Idaho. They canceled my warrant years ago, so we're cool. I go. Real quick.

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Anyway, BetterHelp is going to help you out. These next couple weeks are always taxing. So, you know, there's no shame in calling Better Health. So do what you do. I'll help you out a little bit, you know, whatever. You'll save on tissues. That's it. Anyway, what's up with you, Tarzan?

What are your plans for the holidays? fucking, you know. Oh, it's going to be a, it's going to be a fun week. I, because my mom was gone visiting my brother and he just had a daughter a year ago. So she was gone for Hana. We haven't done Hanukkah yet. So we're going to do that with Athena and her kids. Then we got new Christmas Eve, which I, Christmas Eve as a kid was everything for me as a Jewish guy.

Because I, we got invited to a family friend, like an Italian house. And like, they had someone dressed up at Sam. every year. We got gifts. So Christmas Eve is going to be fun with my family. And then Christmas Day will be, you know, six in the morning. I love Christmas. It's so much for, especially for a Jewish guy,

Christmas is a, it's so much better than Hanukkah. And it's, and I love Hanukkah, but especially as a Jewish kid growing up and you see all the Christmas shit, that's all I wanted. So, like, I wake up before the kids do.

I got to be honest with you. This Christmas, I'm very fucking excited. That's awesome. I've been this excited in Christmas for the long goddamn time. And for tons of reasons, like,

it's just, the last two Christmases that haven't been settled. I didn't know the scoop. But in my mind, like, I would spend those fucking misery Christmases in L.A.

And I couldn't wait to get back here to go, like, to your house at 6. I go by fucking Florentines at 8 o'clock. And then, you know, Florentines are going to go to church.

at nine so from there your parents invited us all for a cocktail at 10 there's gonna have be some food you know i i fucking sat there in l a and dreamt of those and then i moved here and it's like it's not like that anymore people i think the uh my my my brother dan florentine he always has a little something you know and you go over it's understood you go over there from eight to nine maybe he's got fucking cavitelli maybe you know who knows who knows, but it just, they felt emptier like the ones I had in LA. And this summer when I went to Nashville, you know, I really got to meet my nephew and my niece and, you know, my other niece. Like, I knew my older niece, but I didn't know the two younger ones. And I'm like, man,

this will be great to come here for Christmas, mercy, you know. So I'm going. And I'm going to have a fucking great time. My brother Mike's coming up for the week to take care of the cat. He's going to stay here. I'm going to leave an ounce of weed, you know, leave my cookies, and then I'll be back five days. I'm only going for five days. I'm going to try to train

Jiu-Jitsu in Nashville. I'm going to try to see my man at Zanis. I'm going to try to see Jelly Row. And the rest of the time, just hang out with the girls, man. And then come back here and just prepare

for 2024. We got to drop it like it's hot. We got plans for these people. We got shit, crack a larkin for these motherfuckers, you know? So that's my plan. I'm sticking to it because I got no reason to lie, you know? A lot of action coming up over the holidays.

I mean, I didn't know this. There's three fucking football games on Christmas Eve. Is there really? Yeah. I think there's a game Christmas Day. I haven't even looked. They're on Saturdays now, too. I just saw that this weekend

That's a couple weeks, man You got the end of college football You got pro basketball You know There's just a lot of shit going on So you won't be bored You know listen When you go to those family reunions

You end up watching sports anyway Oh yeah Some of the men go in one room The kids come in You're either watching football Or golf or tennis Whatever the fuck you like And

That's it It's very none There's not much going on for 24 I got a couple fucking things I'm going to do in 2024 And part of that It's just to get

To get some action going Brother I've been in Central Jersey For three years Just You know Trying to put the pieces Together now I'm ready

To percolate I love it I got a plan like Stan I'm excited to see what happens dude How does How is like Mercy feel about Christmas? Is it still big for her?

No, she don't believe in Santa Claus. Oh, well, she knows. Okay. Her friends don't. Say nothing. Right. She figured it out. She went to the mom and said, knock it off.

I ain't writing no letter to fucking Santa. It was very interesting what happened yesterday with her. Okay. I'm an interesting day with my daughter yesterday. You know, we got up like at, on Sundays we got up at 7.30, blah, blah, blah. Something happened yesterday. She got sick at church last week. So she didn't want to go to church this week.

So there was really nobody around on Sunday. It was really weird. And I was here till 10, 10.30. I had breakfast with them. We were talking bullshit. And then I went to Jiu-Jitsu. And then I came back. And I go, what's going on?

They were setting up rooms upstairs because my daughter switched rooms. And they were finishing up that. And then my wife came down. It was 2.30. And I'm sitting here watching football. I went over to jimmies. Oh, no, I went over to jimmies. And I watched the dolphins for a little while.

It wasn't even a fucking game. You know. Right. Playing the fucking jets. And then I came back. And I'm like, girls, what do you guys want to do? And my wife's like, I don't know. There's not much going on.

I mean, it was raining already. You know, we're starting to rain. And one of the moms had contacted me and said, do you guys want to go out to dinner? And I go, yeah, but as we're leaving, we go, yeah, she goes, oh, by the way, my daughter's not coming. I don't want to take mercy to sit with four adults. You know what I'm saying?

So I go, right. Leave it back here with me. When Mercy came down, she goes, dad, no, she goes, and my wife told her, she had been in the house so fucking long. And I've been telling my way since we moved here. My daughter's not that kid, you think. She's a fucking thoroughbred.

She needs a little action. TV and the computer for her doesn't cut it. And she doesn't need to do much. She don't need to do much. She just needs to... Get out of the house. She came down. My wife told what was going on?

And Mercy goes, so what am I going to do? And just broke down. She just had tears in her. and she just came over and gave me a hug. And I go, you want to get the hell out of here, don't you? She goes, yeah, I have to get out of here. And I go, go, go get your jacket on, you know. And I didn't care about the Dallas game.

I wasn't even watching that piece of shit game. I got in the call, as I was getting the car, I put her favorite music on, that little girl that performed at the garden, Olivia Rodrigo. Right, okay. I typed it into my phone when she wasn't watching in my Apple. And then I got in the car started and plugged it in. and that song came on that she liked

and she fucking, you know, she smiled. And then I took her on a ride for like 25 minutes. And all those songs came on like the whole album she likes. It was on loud. I didn't say a fucking word time. I just let her process because that's what she needed to do. It's like her dad. I got to get the fuck out of here in the morning.

I'm the type of guy who gets up and write shit and prepare for the day and what am I going to do this week. but you know what Tucker's cheap cock sucker It's time to try out what you believe in You gotta get out of here Even if it's to go around the corner And make a phone call When I call you, I'm not home

I'm gone already I'm going to do something But I got to get out of the house Even though I don't have to go up until 10 It's 915 I'm calling you I got to get out of house I'm out of the house I got the fruit in me I got two eggs sunny side up

And avocado toast Bing boom and get that Cuban out of the room, you know what I'm saying? And you could just tell that's what she needed? Like, you guys didn't even go anywhere? You just were driving? Went for a ride. We went to an ice cream.

She did it want her. We just kept listening to music. And what did we go do? Oh, we ended up going to Barnes & Noble. And I don't like that Barnes & Noble, Freehold, because they're the ones that told me I couldn't do the book signing that. So I was making a right turn. If you know anything about me, I'm like, I don't even know why I'm fucking coming in here.

I even thought about just giving my daughter 20 bucks and go get where you need to get, whatever the fuck it is, and come back. Because I don't want to step foot in there, but I didn't want to make no problems. So I walked in there with her. And I went in there, and I even got more fucking annoyed. Because one guy was watching me like I was a shoplifter.

You know, because I didn't look the best. I had a hooded sweatshirt on, sweatpants. I don't give a fuck. It's coming down out here. I'm going to dress up to go to Barnes and Noble. And then it's... Look at me like that. That's crazy.

He did this little fucking dude. I'm not going to, I'm not going to say his racial perpetuation. He was looking at me. He was eyeballing me like I was a shoplift that came up to me. Do I need any help? Do I look like I need any fucking help, cock, sucker? I'm standing three feet from my daughter in the kid's section of fucking Harry Potter, or whatever the fuck.

She got some book by Tim Burton or something. I don't know. Tim Burton wrote a movie. He's going to direct the movie. You know me. I just asked him that. And next thing, you know, I'm dropping the small 20. And my daughter's smart because she actually walks up to the counter,

like she's faking the money, like she's got it in, like she's going to take it out. And then we get to the counter and I'm like, you know, I'm not going to fucking out duel her here. What am I going to do? I just take the money out and pay for it. She always, like, goes like she makes, she has that little limp hand, you know, a little go, go, go, go, go. The limp hand. Did you teach you this or did it's just something that was natural? But then as I'm paying for the fucking book, I turn around.

And there's a book of fucking biographies and comedy and shit. My book was not on the fucking table. Motherfuckers. And I'm like, these motherfuckers. And I wasn't even going to ask them where it was. It didn't even matter to me. Didn't even matter to me. I don't even want to do business with those cuckers anymore.

Anyway, I got to break, Will Craig, and drop some knowledge on you from Draft Kings. Give me a minute. Hey, where you guys been? Uncle Joey here to talk to you about draft kings. Let me tell you something. This is the week. The next two weeks is one to throw down.

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Merry Christmas. Jingle, jingle. Back to the show. We're back, Jack. Anyway. So that's it, brother. That's my fucking story. And I'm sticking to it.

I had some good weeks. I got some plans for 2024. I don't even want to tell you, Lee. I'm excited. You always have good plans. I'm excited because I got to do something. I got to do something. Even something small.

I got to do something. I'm starting to book in January. And I really thought about the conversation we had the other night. It really helped me. My conversations with you on this podcast and off the podcast are really helping me write this book because I'm looking at some efficiencies that you had.

I have another young comics have. I have a lot of young comics on Patreon and they ask me questions and it's frustration. Everybody wants to know how to get to the next level. And you and I had a conversation the other day. I don't even know if you remember it. I was telling you that I'm going to write a chapter about the things I did wrong.

Right. The things I did wrong. And I fucking wrote one that was tremendous. And it was very hard for me. And it was people always asked me like on the side. Like I was talking to a young comic the other day, like in a French fry place. I was there with my daughter. I don't even know it was a French fried place.

It wasn't a French fried place. This was when we went to the city for the country. And the kid goes, you know, do you have any advice for a young comic? And I go, listen, I've been thinking about this. a long time. Not taping myself. Not listening to myself. Not watching my videos.

I'm going to make confession to you, Lee. Out of all the churches we did, I saw bits and pieces on YouTube. If you thought I sat there through a podcast and watched it, never watched it. The last person I want to see is me. You know what I'm saying?

Couldn't agree more. So, what do you say? about myself. I'm just teasing. But I think one of the biggest mistakes I made and not being serious about it is I know everybody's broke.

I'm not expecting you to buy a fucking high-end camera. And these fucking phones are 600 bucks and you drop it with a fuck, whatever. You know, they, now you got to deliver pizza for another year to get another phone

or you got to borrow a small nickel from dad. You got to hear that of your beat. You know, all you got to do is tape your sets. just make it a habit to tape your sets, whether they're five minutes, 15 minutes, tape your fucking sets. It's something I didn't do,

and if I could do it all over again from 1991, I would have done them all. Joey, why didn't you do it? Because I was so insecure about myself, I didn't want to see myself on tape. I've never watched a full special of mine on tape. I'll tell you what I have watched, because as I was doing it,

I could feel it. And that was the Comedy Central things I did for Ari. Besides that, I don't watch any of that shit at all, at all. But it was such a mistake for me. And it's such a mistake for a young comic. And you're going to go, Joy, but I'm just getting started because I want you to build healthy habits. Now, I want you to know that at home, I don't want,

listen, I don't give a fuck about your sexual preferences. I don't give a fuck about your drug addictions. I don't give a fuck of you stay out those things doing money. and jumping up and down. I will tell you what I want from you as a young comic. And it's the first thing you do when you go home is wash your hands, jump in the shower, eat a pie, mom's apple pie, whatever the fuck your ritual is.

But before you hit that sack, I want you to listen to that fucking tape. Make two notes, just two notes. Not negative, positive. For right now, I don't want you to go to bed, upset. And then listen to it again in the morning and make your notes. and right there in the morning when you're eating your cereal, make your plans for that next night. What am I going to do different?

Not even a plan. I just want you to make a note and then come back at five from work or whatever the fuck you're doing and then execute that plan for tonight. Or the next show, whatever the fuck that may be. That was my mistake. Because you never recorded, right? Even later on when you had the phone, no?

When we met, you said to me one night, you want me to record your fucking set. on the way down to Irvine and next thing you know was the number one fucking download you know what I'm saying I know that's fucking crazy that you never did I recorded

I never because of my appearance and I was so insecure that's why I don't like fucking specials too much I want to listen to you for me stand up if I listen to myself more I would have been so much betterly

to me You were as good as you were and never listening to it. You just had that, like, you just have a great memory, I think. Because I hated my voice and I hated what I looked like. Like, I didn't want to see me on stage. But there was one thing I did believe in and what I felt like on that stage. And I'll tell you, I walked off that stage many a night going, I wish I would have taped that.

Because I wanted to hear what my heart sounds like. when I was on stage. I wanted to hear. I love hearing a glass get set. I loved those. I came up on the Richard Pryor albums and the Red Fox albums, and I could feel the heart coming to the speakers,

whether I had earphones on, or we were at one of my friend's house, the special house or Sabatino, one of them, and we were listening to, I love listening to, the laughter and it was real. It was a small club. It wasn't an arena. Nobody was doing arenas. Nobody was doing comedy clubs.

There was maybe a buck 20 in there, buck 50. And you heard it differently. And I always wanted to sound that way. But I knew no matter what I did, it would never sound that way. But I learned listening to the beats. I'm listening to beats. I'm listening to, you know, a beat is when somebody stops. and I'm listening to all these little things,

but what I'm really listening to is his heart. That's what I could hear. I can't see it. He's a fake. He's got a bunch of tattoos. He's got a weird head dude. He's got a scarf on. I don't want to see that.

I want to hear it. Somewhere along the line, people wanted to see tape, you know? And that's where I think it's, I'm an old man. I want to hear it, even though I can't hear it. But I want to hear it. I mean, we've talked forever about how much I love albums, but it's how do you think, like, how did you, how did you write if you weren't listening to it?

You just remembered, like, the little changes you would make? Yes. Yes. A lot of times I would, oh, bro, one of the running jokes with these fucking guys, you know, and they'll bring it up to them. The Rogans, the R-Eases, Joey, did you write that down?

Joey, write that down. That was like, re-write that down. You know, what's he doing? That's a, you know, because I knew I could come up with those once a night. I could pop those out of my ass. You know, I always knew. I didn't know if I was going to kill,

but I knew I had one line in me that wasn't on the dialogue that I could pop. So, and now I regret. all that. I threw away hours of material because I didn't bring it home at night, listen to it and write it down. If me and you could be driving and it happened, I'm not making this up. You and I could be driving the car, driving Irvine, Breyer, Oxnard,

wherever the fuck it was. We go over something, we talk about this, and you go, ooh, say that joke from the ice house. And I would get in there, practice the joke in my head, not in front of a mirror. Like, I'll practice it in my fucking head. And then you get there, you have a great set, and you come off. And you're like, Joey, that was a really good set.

I'm like, fuck you. I didn't say that fucking joke. Oh, yeah. That one joke was what I worked on all fucking week. That's the only thing I wanted to work. I just did a complete different set. And the thing that got me the most was that I didn't do that one fucking joke.

You were there a thousand times when I got off the stage and I go like, fuck! And you go like, what happened? And I'm like, I didn't try the joke. Meanwhile, they're howling. Right, they had a great fucking time. I didn't give a fuck.

I didn't try that fucking joke. That would go on for six nights. Was it just, you were just in the moment? Yeah. And then I would go home. Then I would try it. And now I got a reaction. Now, where am I going with this fucking beginning?

Right? We had this discussion last week. I don't like, I like, remember, the joke we were talking about. Right. I tried it. Huh? You tried it. Now you called me that night.

You went crazy. You tried it twice. It worked. You called me going crazy about what? That it worked? Or what was the main concern? about where to go from there the same thing i forgot that joke

we look at things so fucking differently like we people have no idea how pissed you get as a comic when they're telling you that was a great set and you're like motherfuckers i had something at my sleeve that was gonna make your eyeballs pop out I wish i'd go back up there and do it but i can't

you know it's just that anyway to get back to the story i wish I would have written my, got home at night, listened to my tape. I really used to get home at night. I got to be honest with you. No matter how fucked up I was, I always remembered to go to my notebook, write down how I did.

Honestly, what joke I wanted to try. If I had somebody with me, I only put the parameters and I go back the next morning. But if I was alone, that's when I go through my process. I get pissed off. I get a fucking line of Coke and a drink of beer.

And, you know, let me write this over again. Then I'd write it over again. And that went on until 6th in the morning. It was an excuse to snort the coat. Right. But it just, I, like, there are sometimes, I do remember things, but there's a lot of times I'll go back to listen. I don't listen to every set by any stretch of the imagination.

But when I do listen, I'm like, oh, shit, I forgot. I said that. So I was thinking about that when you said, like, you threw away so much. So you definitely threw away hours. But I knew I could write more. It's like a Coke dealer. I knew I could sell more Coke.

It didn't matter what I was spending. I always knew that I could pop up something, especially when you get outstage every night. Once you get into that rhythm, you start popping shit every two nights. Then it's every night that you get offstage. You go, I can't believe I fucking said that. You know, and the joke that I think about the most

Just to let people know is when I do Ari's Storyteller show, when we beat up the nun Four jokes in that thing That were nowhere on the agenda When I said I don't like milk, but I like milkshakes, That was not on the agenda When I talked about the Puerto Rican kids, The whatever brothers hitting them

And I go, they look like Roberto Clemente, motherfuckers. Came out right there. These are the things that will come out of you once you get on stage a lot and fucking, you know, that's it. That's all I got to say on that. I love talking to shit. And I could talk it for hours about different. And then you see it in other comics. I've been on, you know, I've been on stage with everybody.

And they've gotten off stage and, hey, how'd you do? Man, I had this joke I wanted to say, mother. motherfucker, I forgot the wording on it. And these are like top guys. You know, like they're in the game a few years. So, hey, if the video is lagging, it's because the Chinese balloon is in the neighborhood. So, you know, don't worry about nothing.

The fucking internet is still tip-top, Magoo. But shit's happened. We've had bad weather here. Trees got knocked down. But the heart and soul is still there. You still get the voice, like the man on fire. You get the guy's voice. I caught the last 20 minutes of that the other night.

Jesus Christ, I hadn't seen it about a year. It's from the part where he makes the dude shoot himself, the Puerto Rican dude that was married to Jennifer Lopez. From there on, he was on a fucking rampage. And I hadn't seen that in a while. God damn. I've been catching some fucking killer movies lately by mistake, the way I like to catch him, not planned.

You just turn the TV on. They're coming in a little 10 minutes. Fucking tremendous movies. lately. And I've still been going to bed early. But I love watching, like, I saw a man on fire. I saw The Getaway was on the other night. I caught the last hour of that. You know, a good week with Steve

McQueen, maybe the end of a Charles Bronson movie. They've been playing a movie from 84 from Charles Bronson. It's a good movie, not really. It's not one of my favorites. A little bit too violent for me. But I caught the fucking beginning of that the other day, He took the guy off the balcony with a fucking fire hydrant. Tremendous. You can't write that shit in the script.

You know what I'm saying? And it doesn't bother you to go in with like an hour. I can't watch a movie. At this point, I can rewrite the fucking movie. I've seen it so many times. My point is that I haven't seen it a long time. Right. So like when I told you I watched Scarface.

Everybody saw Scarface. I saw it 50 times when it came out. but I didn't have it on for 20 fucking years. You know, the other night it was coming on. Oh, Netflix had it. I go, let me turn this on and see what it looks like. It was fucking raw. It's still raw.

So I like doing that from time to time. Nothing news coming out. It's like you're planning to go see no fuck the movie the next two weeks. There's really nothing. There's no Christmas movie. I think she's going to see Willie Wonka. How many times are going to make a Willie Wonka? Fuck the movie.

If you're not watching your reality, original only want. What are you doing? I talked to her about. I said, listen, the original will he want is the fucking macdadi of magdadi's, but she likes the curtain and this guy and that guy's, what do you want from me? I'm trying my best to be a dad, smoke dope and keep the lights on, you know what I'm saying? That's all you. It's sad that there are no movies coming out on Christmas, because that's what I was thinking I'm doing too. And I just looked and there's nothing. Nothing.

You know, I always thought maybe making an investment in like a fucking movie theater, an old one and get movies. Ten people told me you're going to lose your shirt because what you got to pay to bring those movies in is fucking hella high water. So what are you going to charge $22? You got to charge more in the movie theater because you have a smaller movie theater.

AMC got a parking lot. I'm talking about getting like a 98 C. and showing Charles Bronson weekend, Bruce Lee weekend, Lee Syatt weekend, bringing comics during the week. And you think, and that would be expensive. I thought that's the whole reason they should have old movies and movie theaters because it was cheaper. Q&A about the movies, read some shit up, everybody join in. That's a Tuesday nightclub, you know what I'm saying?

Maybe Wednesday play poker and have sucky-fucky in the basement for some people in the community. you know what I'm saying? Get the priest in there getting the party started and shit. Sucking fucking for the community? I went to the hard doctor in Eaton Town. Okay. And I mean, I know there's a hard doctor. Like, it's a beautiful building.

The neighborhood is great. But there's a little alleyway. And at the end of the alleyway, there's a little light that just blinks and says massage. I've been to this doctor six times in three years for checkups, blood work. and every time I go I parked the car close to it

just to see if anybody comes out of there or whatever. It's open all the time. So finally this week I went to the mall. I went that last time last week. I walked in and I said the doctor walked in. I looked at him and I go Dr. I, let me ask you a question. You ever go to that massage

and let somebody tick your asshole with a feather dog? He just froze up this dude. Nobody's ever talked to him like that. He closed it and when he goes, no. And he goes, but I have thought about it. So. Holy shit.

You asked your doctor then. You got to ask him. You got to blow him out of this fucking whistle. You don't let them know where you stand. If not, he thinks you're an okey dokeedoke like everybody else. Oh, my God. I think he might like okey dokes. I don't think he wants people to ask.

Oh, my God. What do you have done if he had said yes? What? What do you have done if he says, oh, yeah, I go there every front. Give me the code. Give me the 10% off card. Give me the referral. I don't want to touch

nobody. I don't want to kiss nobody. But if somebody wants to blow how to end my ass with a straw, I'm at that age. I enjoy things like that. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to see you naked. I don't want to touch you. I don't want to talk to you. But if you want to tickle my asshole with a feather for 25 minutes,

because of a small 50, I'm in. How did you find out you like that? What happened? How did you find out you liked getting your asshole tickle with a feather? Who? You? When I was like 20, I bumped into a chick that was a pilgrim, and the party started. Holy shit.

Are you going to, do you talk out like this in front of your in-laws? Do you have, like, with your nieces and nephews, do you fuck with them a little bit? The ones in Tennessee, you know, they're Bible beaters. I love them. but I can't talk like this. And that's my nieces. I can't talk a little crazy now. She gets it. Listen,

urban, this neighborhood talks crazy. So I don't want to think I'm a fucking quiet boy. That's the farthest thing I am. So, yeah, it fits around her friends. I go off from time of time. I love it. They must love you. And I've seen them with you.

I went off last night in my favorite restaurant because just fucking, every time I go in there, There's like three waiters that are sweethears, but they always want to talk. And if there's music on and the TV on and the dining room is back, I can't fucking hear you. You can talk all you want.

And last night, this guy wanted to talk about Memphis. You know, I'm smoking doubles since after Jiu-Jitsu. I think I ate a mushroom cap that looked like my toenail. I swear to God, this mushroom cap looked just like fungi toenail on the right foot. So I was on fire. I wasn't planning on going to a restaurant by no means.

But my wife, my daughter finally goes, Dad, I want to go eat something after we went for a long ride. So we went to meet the girls, right? So he came over, you know, what are you doing for the holidays? We're going to Nashville. Oh, very night. You know, I'm going to Memphis. Have you ever been to Memphis? What are the people like?

And I go, listen, what are you talking to me for? That's my wife. She's from Tennessee. I don't know nothing. And then, you know, I was having like three conversations. stations at once. I'm in this fucking corner. I got Christmas music over my head. Fucking, I'm trying to watch the

fucking game. I got the over in the Dallas game. It don't look like it's coming in. I don't know what game. And this guy wants to talk to me about fucking Memphis. And the whole time, I can't hear it. So finally at the end, I go, can I talk to you for a second? I've been coming here for a...

You want to give me a fucking earbeat. And I don't mind. I like everybody talking. But I want you to listen to the music and all. I'm deaf. when you come over to me sometimes I go, don't I have a retarded look on my face? I have a face when I don't know what's going on and you come over

and I'm thinking about something I'm thinking about what I'm going to eat dinner and this guy's asked me about Memphis and finally I was like that guy when I come in here talk to me but if there's music and shit it's how long to buy I can't hear you you want to come and hear you want directions to Memphis

we would die and laugh I don't know how to get to Memphis I'm fucking deaf, especially when there's a lot of shit going on. I'm not going to fucking hear you. I'm not going to hear you. What you like, kind of. What's that? I said, would you like kind of?

In certain situations. Right. Like I went to therapy a day. I almost broke my ankle just to get out of that. There was a lady 400 pounds. All she talked about was a bad knee. And how she can't, you know, stop. You're killing me here.

Get on the bike and knock it the fuck off. And this went on for hours. Like two people over there. Well, let me tell you what happened. I'm like, come on, lady, get up. Enough with this. Your knee hurts because you sit on the couch, eat entomans all day watching fucking game shows.

Get up, get on the fucking bike. Come on, knock it off. She gave him a 20-minute speech, you know, what she's going to do. Oh, they were talking about how to fucking break into somebody's internet. I need this. I need this. I'm a convicted fellow. No, they weren't fucking, you know, internet that was saying how people are breaking into the internet.

But this went on for 30 minutes. We didn't come here to talk about the internet. Let's go. Get on the fucking bike. Give her a roller skate. Something, you know what I'm saying? I love when that happened. I love watching you. I'm surprised you lasted 30 minutes. What's that? I'm surprised you lasted 30 minutes. 30 minutes before you said something about it.

You know, I'll becoming a fucking Christian as of short. You know what I'm saying? Can I ask you something? No, not really. Is Catholicism part of Christianity? I have people who talk, I have no idea.

Listen, I don't know nothing. I know Jesus went out on Thursday. They stabbed He came back on Sunday. He died for a sentence. I know Adam Eve ate the fucking apple So we don't have to We don't have to fuck it You know if Adam wouldn't have bit the apple or Eve

Everybody we were lived in paradise I know things like that All right This other shit I don't know much about I know about old school Catholicism Without getting a finger in my ass I was there I lived it

I went to a Catholic grammar school The whole fucking deal And you know I don't know how I don't know I pray to one God. I don't know what color he is. You know, we're all in for a fucking surprise. So just shut the fuck up.

Go to work and say your prayers and put a dollar in the basket on Sunday. You'll be fine. That's what I'll do. I love it. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you and your family, brother. We'll talk the next couple days. And we'll keep you guys posted on Christmas or what the fuck we're going to do.

But for right now, we love you. Thank you for letting us. coming to your home every Tuesday or your car or your fucking whatever, your ear pods and thank you for being there for us the last, what? Lee, wake up out of your coma.

I was living for the last four months. All right. No, we've been on the air together. Oh, we have to get for us for about 12 years. That's crazy, yeah. And we got surprises for you next year. So get ready, Coxed up to stay black. And now for a world. word for my sponsors.

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