The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Episode #2

Episode Date: September 12, 2023

Football is finally back and Week #1 did not dissapoint! Joey and Lee break Week #1 and their bets. Joey and Lee also talk about UFC #293 and Israel Adesanya's surprise loss, Deion Sanders in Colorado, and The Longest Yard are a few of the other things we talk about this week.  We end the show with our bets for Week #2 and Week #1 MNF. Thank you so much for taking the ride with us....we're so happy to be back! This podcast is brought to you by: Freeze Pipe - Support the show and get 10% Off with the code DIAZ at TheFreezepipe dot com. Support the show & get 55% off at https://www.babbel.com/JOEY DraftKings - New customers bet $5 on any NFL team and score $200 in bonus bets. Download the DraftKings sportsbook app and use code JOEY Uncle Joey's Joint is sponsored by BetterHelp. Support the show & get 10% off your 1st month of therapy at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ

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They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. I feel you got to be thinking. Welcome back to show! Uh-oh. Uh-oh. There he is. Uh-oh.

Come on, make hot smokers. It's September 11th. My heart goes out to everybody. 22 years later, it's still a disaster, but we're still back. saying we're still kicking ass America. What's up, Lee Syatt? I'm ready to go. I'm ready for the check-in. I'm ready to go. You didn't take an edible yet.

It's right here. See, this is... Everyone says I don't take shit. You're making those fake ones. Listen. Think-th-de-ding-ting, thing. What's up, buddy? How is your weekend? My weekend was great. You didn't do no stand-up, right?

Unfortunately not. Unfortunately not. When is your next little fucking hoop-de-oop? This weekend, Friday and Saturday, I'm at the Saratoga Comedy Works. That's how we do it, brother. Oh, yeah. And then next week, huh? Yeah, I'm sorry.

Sorry, next week I'm at the Chick-a-Pee Comedy Loft on Thursday. Look at you, you bad motherfucker. That's right. From Chippee to New York to L.A., to Reno, back to the ghetto. Someday. I love it, brother. Look at you. international

Lisa, yeah, starting this tour in fucking battlefield Israel. Oh, they would hate me in Israel. They'd like you more than they liked me. I'm like a Jew that went bad.

But the Cubans like you more than they like me, so it all works out for the better. How's the girlfriend? How's the kids? Everybody jumping up and down. Everyone's doing great. It's been fun

like her with the kids. I love, I was thinking about this. Do you love pissing mercy off? Not really. No, I love pissing her. I get her. I hear a fucking talk. You know, I torture a little bit.

You know, I do things that bother her a little bit, but I don't push the issue too much. Every once in a while, I scare her, you know. How do you scare her? Just fucking stand outside the door when she comes out of noise. I got different masks and shit. Oh, you have masks? Like a voodoo mask?

He brought back from Colombia. He always brings me a mask from these places to fight the demons. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. I love, I like, I like to tell them, like, I'm Taylor Swift's best friend, and they freak out. And then you call me up, and I go, I'm Taylor Swift. That's not Taylor Swift, you fucking liar. Oh, I love doing it. So football season has fucking arrived, man.

Thank God. And it was a hell of a fucking week so far. I mean, I turned it around. I started the week off with Detroit, just took a chance with it, because. what the fuck and then before you get to Sunday you gave me shit for Saturday

and I wanted to defend myself what shit for Saturday? Because I don't know anything about college football but I'm trying to, you know, I'm trying to have some fun betting, I'm trying to have something to talk about and I had a random had an odd number in my account

I had 143. I don't, I hate, I don't like odd numbers so I placed a $13 bet and you gave me shit. shit for like 30 minutes. What's wrong? I don't know anything about the game. You don't ever place like a $10 bet. What's wrong with the $13? It was $13.15. First off, you're Jewish. No Jewish man gets annoyed by those three pennies, okay? I don't know what kind of Jew you are. 43 cents is 43 fucking cents, okay? And you hold on to it. 13 dollars, how do you end up with it? Listen, you bet Colorado. Do you think I know about college football? I know dick about college football.

I know that the excitement is great up in Colorado. Yeah. So I had nothing to lose. They were playing in Boulder on a fucking beautiful goddamn day. That's the Lord's country right now. Did Denver win on Sunday? No, they lost. Where, at home or away?

I don't know. I think they were home. You know, it's weird. When Denver plays at home and they got a good team, one o'clock game, the Lord's Day, I don't give a fuck if you show up with Jesus and the disciples and Pontchus pilot. You're not beating the fucking...

I lived there for fucking 20 years. You know what this reminded me of? You remember the U where you said the Miami players were more and more popular than the Dolphins players? I think that's what's going on in two weeks with Colorado over the Broncos. I don't think...

I know they like the Broncos, but people hate Russell Wilson. And I think they love Dan Sanders. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, listen, Boulder, I worked to the car wash and they were huge donors. They went to every game. They went to the Orange Bowl.

They went to practices. You know, the more money you give, the more you hang out. I mean, if you pay $2,000, you cut the football players' toenails if you want. They don't get money for anything, those fucking boosters. And I had never seen that before. Like when I lived in Boulder,

I had never seen people that didn't have kids on the team who traveled with the team. and went to all their functions. And it was pretty good to see. The old me would have said it was kind of geeky. Right. No, it's nice. That's what they're into.

Some people smoke dope. Some people want to go watch college football games. So I don't know much about college, but I know Colorado's a beautiful fucking college. Boulder is phenomenal. I want to take my daughter now just to open her eyes, just so she could see what, I'm going to take her there into Vanderbilt

when I go to Nashville next time for the holidays. Just so, you know, because nobody ever took us when we were in high school or the eighth grade or the fifth grade and showed us what life could be like. This is a fucking university. You know, and then they'll take you to fucking, like,

Boston City College. And it's like in Southie, you know, the admissions officer has no teeth. And you get to the kids, you know, you go in there in Southie, the guy's drinking, with a cigarette in his hat with a no smoking sign right behind him he don't give a fuck

and he's talking to you with the cigarette in his hand and shit. So that's the reason I went with Colorado. Because of Boulder being a pretty place? No, because Boulder just has a weird energy and Dion brought even a weirder energy.

Yeah. Leon brought a winning energy and he's fired up and he got the town fired up. Like there was the most expensive ticket this week, Nebraska, Colorado. How did he do that in two fucking weeks? That's crazy. John Sanders is a fucking motivator.

He used to motivate himself to be the best every Sunday and then he'd take a helicopter and go play baseball. I mean, whether he was an all-star or not or whatever. He still did that. And he's one of those guys. He's just a winner, Doug. his energy beats everything his energy and his likeness

he wants to play us to have fun I finally realize that the age of 55 or 56 something that I could save everybody's energy with as you get older if you're not having fun get the fuck out of there that's hard though like a lot of people don't have fun at their jobs or in life no they don't and they don't want to have

fun at work and you have to kind of create that environment if they fire you go to the next job. But it's so weird how people just don't have that energy anymore. I see it on my daughter's softball teams and the other teams are they coach it. When my daughter's team is happy

and they're giggling, they're doing their little cheers and they're hitting the back of their legs and shit, they're winning. They're hitting home runs, they're hitting doubles. But when they're like doomed about something, it's all over the shout. When you go on stage, Your enthusiasm is what makes them laugh.

Everybody got jokes. Everybody got jokes. Your enthusiasm is what makes them laugh. How long did it take you to be able to turn off what's going on in your life before you went on stage? Like if you were having a shitty day or you got a flat tire on the way there? Five years. Really? Four years.

Four years of, well, the toughest thing was, like I said, a thousand times that I trained myself to drop my daughter off and I'd cry in the car I'd pick myself up I'd smoke a joint and I forced myself not to go home

I would shoot out to do comedy at a fucking any shithole any shithole I would go to that place with the fat pizza guy the Elvis impersonator I was feeling bad about myself when I walked in there I felt even worse about myself

but in the Through the night, I catch myself and go, Joey, you're doing stand-up. Yeah. That's the most important thing. You know, I still remember landing in Vegas and getting to call that Brody died. You got to go do a show for 2,000 people. You know, I can't, what am I? I cancel because Brody?

No, I love Brody, but I got to go do a performance for Brody now. I got to perform for Brody one last time, mention them in the set, tell a Brody story. and I make my peace, you know? How do you? I'm so, and like, people come up to me like, oh, I like your style. You're so monotone and quiet. You make them listen.

I don't, it's just who I'm so jealous of people who have, like, energy like that. Did you have to, like, train yourself to have energy? Yeah, because if you're a dud, they're going to be a fucking dud. I don't think I'm a dud. I try to, like, I know how to, like, I know how to self up, but energy is, uh, there's kinetic and potential energy. There's two types of energy. Energy in motion and energy that's stored.

I could be standing like a fucking mummy, you know, like you hit me with a fucking gun or something, right? You're standing there. But for some reason, the way I move my hips, without moving, my hips, my shoulders, your hands. When you're driving on the highway, what do you see? Windmills.

Okay. Windmills, windmills, windmills. They create energy. That's why I never touched the microphone. I shake the weather's hand, and I go up there, and I make sure I'm talking to them, the way I'd be talking to a fucking cop. Oh, I didn't know nothing. That's why I don't touch the microphone, because that's energy from your hands.

You're creating energy. Those two minutes before you go on stage, your potential energy, you're just standing behind there fucking burning. What if I bar? What if I'm on a banana peel? What if my mother? What? You know, it's like, what if I forget that joke? You know, and then you go up there,

you touch the mic and the energy connects. Now you have to go into kinetic energy. So, like I said, even if I stand there, like when I started, listen, I experimented with everything, right? So I used to do the Eddie Murphy thing, walk

back and forth. Like, you know, somewhere in my first four years. I made it a habit to walk back and forth. And that didn't work for me. It kind of did, but it didn't. You know, I started making eye contact, started connecting with individual people.

And then from there, you grow and you grow, you know. It's getting on stage. That's it. There's no fucking book. I wish I could sell you a book, that would make you better. Me too. Getting on stage every fucking day

when you have an opportunity is it. I'm talking if there's no stage time going to a movie theater and going up there and doing four minutes and getting thrown out, but laughing your ass off and even having your friend go and see security chase you out and shit,

you know, that's, you put that on YouTube. That's two million views, you know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah, absolutely. You train yourself to do. all these weird things. I used to do karaoke and the guy didn't want us to do comedy.

So we would have to write the song, give it to him, and then go up there. In factuation, let me talk to the people about something. I can't. And it's just like, you know what, when you're talking about energy and I know it's, I think it's energy,

the thing that like you do probably as well or better than anybody is laughing on stage. there's something about laughing on stage and I don't know if I'm too focused on my stuff and I do it occasionally like after we recorded last week I went to an open mic high as fuck

and I giggled the entire time I was on stage but how do you like that what do you think about that like how hard is it to laugh at your stuff? I can't fake laugh right all right the time I laugh is when I improvise a joke when I improvise a joke

but I haven't even thought of, and it comes out right there, and I giggle about it, like, that's when I, that's when I laugh. But you laugh your entire, you must improvise every goddamn thing.

No, because I'm looking at people, looking at their faces when I say shit. You know, it's just, I don't know. It's something about, I can't fake laugh.

I'm not a fake laugh. I don't sit in the back. That's not me that you hear on the fucking, what's his name? The guy on HBO, that guy that has the show. Bill Maher? Yeah, Bill Maher. I love Bill Maher, but he's got a guy

in the show that just sits in the back and laughs loud. I wonder if they give him like a small 15K a year. Just come to six episodes and laugh the loudest. And he always goes, ha ha! You go to a comedy club and somebody cracks a joke and two idiots in the back are like, ha ha! And you're like, what are you doing? They're like, we're trying to support.

You're not, if I'm on stage and you make that noise, all I can pray for is a Chinese fucking dark gun. Like a blow in you like a fucking, you know. On the other side of that, though, and I don't know about you, but like I, we connected early on because I love albums, like I love comedy CDs for some reason. And even when I'm at a show, if there, and I don't know why it is, if there's a woman that I can hear her laugh specifically,

It doesn't have to be any, just a female laugh that is like consistent throughout the show. It's like some of the best, I don't know what it is. A female, like a women laughing make my entire, I don't know why I can just hear it. Do you ever like honing in on a specific laugh when you're on stage?

There's certain ladies that laugh, there's certain people that don't get out much. And when they go out, they fucking love to laugh. And that's, it's a tennis match. Comedy is a tennis match. My joke, that you'll laugh. My joke to your laugh. My joke to you.

It don't work like that all the time. Right. One way street. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes you just hitting the fucking tennis balls and nobody's doing shit. Like, where do my tennis balls go? Oh, you suck, Joey. But the other day I did something pretty fucking insane since you're talking about one of my favorite bits in comedy.

I mean, I could see why he blew up from that bit. Which one? Like, there's people who blow up from specials. There's people who blow up for many reasons. A movie, a TV show. I like when people blow up because of the gift of comedy. Like, they're that good, you know? They don't have to use MySpace or nothing like that, or Twitter or Instagram.

And I think Kat Williams' Michael Jackson joke is one of the greatest jokes of all time because it's a black man bashing a black man in front of a black audience. And the response is just ooze and eyes. You know, I don't know what my point was here. But you were just saying like a bit that you like one of your favorite bits of all time and like a laugh. So I had it in the car the other day. Okay. I was listening to Richard Pryor in the car.

And Mercy was with me. Oh, shit. But on my apple. So for some reason, Richard Pryor, went into fuck nut. It went into Cat Williams

doing the Michael Jackson bit. And he, you know, he transitions it perfectly. He talks about Martha Stewart going to prison for transferring money. Right.

He talks about Little Kim going to prison for not ratting. And then he goes, meanwhile, Michael Jackson's running loose a little kid's booty old. When Mercy heard that.

because one of her best friends is a big Michael Jackson. A fucking face. She was like, Dad, I go, yeah, listen to it. He comes back because it like connects tracks. Uh-huh. Track bit, you know, you hear it go down, and he just goes off on Michael Jackson. Poor little mercy was petrified.

You thought I was doing 150 miles an hour in the car. She was just pressed against the thing, listening and just shaking her head. Little boy's booty holes I fucking lost it I had explained to later on that he got accused and he had to pay the small 20 million

The small 20 million I didn't bash him because I know she likes Michael Jackson So I didn't break up balls that way Do you introduce her comedy a lot? What's that? Oh, I'm sorry, you want to talk about football? No, no, no, what were you saying?

I was just going to say, do you show her a lot of comedy? No, but one of her friends told her about the Tom Segura bit. Oh, shit. Yeah. And what did she think of that? I don't know. I don't know. She saw it, you know, it says that I did heroin for 20 years.

That's the last thing I wanted to see. I didn't do heroin for 20 years, Cogsecker. Right. I didn't know why I'm the fucking Tom Segura killer, the ABX 200 milligram. Oh, yeah. These are the fucking best. They really are. They really are. They really

I love it. I love it. All right. There you go. All right. So what were your, did you look at next weeks? I did.

And there's a few different games. So, and I don't know why, but right now, Kansas City, Jacksonville is, like, very close. Like, Kansas City's favor, but I just,

like I just saw right before we started that the guy, like the defensive player, Chris Jones, who was holding out just signed so he should be back. And I don't know if Travis Kelsey's coming back. But if Travis Kelsey comes back and Chris Jones is back, I think Kansas City is going to destroy Jacksonville,

especially after losing, like, embarrassingly, the week before. I think they'll do pretty well. Right now it's minus 155. So it's not like crazy. It's not like minus 600 or something. So I like that one a lot. I think Detroit's going to beat Seattle. and that they're favored by five and a half.

I never bet. I hate points. I always just bet if they're going to win or they're going to lose. But then also, Baltimore versus Cincinnati, Baltimore is the underdog. They won last week, and Cincinnati got destroyed. And I know Cincinnati probably doesn't want to get embarrassed again. But Baltimore is giving three and a half points. So that's something that I don't, like if I think someone might lose,

but it's going to be a close game. that's when I'm like, okay, I'll give the plus points. Okay, some of these lines are created to make you jump on it. Okay. So right now, you're a regular American mama luke, right? I'm going to put a better next week on fucking whatever the fuck, right? I have no idea who you're talking about. I'm not talking about you.

I'm just talking about a movement. And not you, no, seriously. Oh, I know. I know you're not. General public. all right because this is who you're learning from the general public and what they like so next week let's look at a game like Cincinnati Bengals Baltimore Ravens you're absolutely right they got embarrassed last week Cincinnati I could not fucking believe how great Cleveland

look that's forget about that Cleveland's got their number Cincinnati did not look good I like them I really like to see that dude Joe Burroughs he's great they're playing a Baltimore team that covered the 12th. I went down a nine and a half. They covered the fucking spread. So right now, everybody in America is going, I'm taking Baltimore,

getting three and a half. Right. That's what I would do. And the smart move there, I think, Cincinnati will beat them by three, and you've got the hook. Right, that's what I'm. Or, I would watch this,

line during the week. Okay. I would watch this line during the week. There's a couple great games. But if you sell, you know, tell them what we saw last week. Tell them what we learned last week. Saturday night, Adasano was fighting fucking Strickland.

Okay? I did not watch the fight. I didn't like the card that much. I didn't feel like going to 80 bucks for the fucking car. I know. And I don't even stay up that late. She comes down at midnight to watch the honeymoon is on Saturday night. that means the fucking thing is not good for me. Yeah, the main event.

She wants to watch the honeymoon. So we got a couple TVs, but that don't matter. She wants to watch the honeymooners down here. So I wasn't even thinking about the fight. To be honest with you, I didn't even know there was a fight on Saturday night. Yeah, they didn't really promote it, but I thought for sure Israel was going to win.

Well, let's go back to the fucking basics here. what ended up happening the line opened up at like Israel you made three bucks if you bet Israel right right and all of a sudden Saturday at 3 o'clock what happened on draft kicks they had that promo

what was the promo plus I think it was plus 100 to Izzy to win profit boost so you need to tell me that you went from me betting $50 and winning $750 if I bet $50

I get $50 now We're going dollar for dollar. This is better than a fucking bookmaker from the diner. You know what I'm saying? This is better than anything. Everybody jumped on that bet. Yeah. Okay?

Me too. And then I saw people like Chale Sondin. A couple people, fighters were saying, who's not going to bet Israel this on you? Like that was the main thing. Like, you know, this is going to be a fucking punch in the head. Now, did I send you to the text with, the bet? No. I bet

25 bucks on Strickland. No, of course you didn't because I put the bet on it. I put it for Israel and I lost. You never said me the bets when they win. I was going to bet Israel, but I said there's got to be something going on here. Something ain't right. You never seen a bookie with a part-time job. Plus, you have

so much action this week. You had college. You had Thursday night. You got baseball. And right now it's like everybody's getting ready for fucking playoffs. So these motherfuckers are playing. All right. And you ever bet tennis? You had a full fucking card on Sunday and then another card on Monday night,

which is going to be a heavy-duty bet game next, tonight's game. Right. It's going to be one of the biggest bet games ever. It's at 50-50 right now. Nobody can make a pick, you know what I'm saying? I mean, tonight you pick this to watch the game and enjoy it. It's raining like hell in Jersey.

And so the under could be it. the over, everybody will be betting the under because of the weather. You know, shit like this. You know, like, this is what you have to look at. Plus, it's a Monday night game. Monday nights, people put in parlays. They love it Monday nights. That's what you call it.

The Monday night parlay. Nobody sells a Monday night side. Everybody sells a Monday night parley. So one of those sides is going to be fucked up. It's like the other night with Detroit. Right. What happened with that one? Well, I think the line was four and a half.

Okay, probably. Was it Detroit? It was somebody else. I forget who the fuck it was that did a move like that. Anyway, I'm Stone and the fucking A.B.X is a kick it in, Jack. Oh, yeah. Do you ever bet, like, crazy shit? Like, I know you don't like tennis, but, like, the U.S. Open.

Do you ever put anything on to me? You just have no idea. I'd just be donating money. I'm not just a homeless guy and give him the small 20. Because I don't know. I don't bet like most people because I don't know a lot about who's the new quarterback. You know, I don't pay attention to that shit.

I'm looking at the line. I'm looking at the goddamn line. So, you know, this week I had, like I said, I had Jacksonville. I had Miami because I went to Jimmy's. I didn't have them big, 25 bucks. I think he went 47. And I had New England.

And it wasn't. It was three. and a half, so I was hoping I'd win with the hook. Right, yeah. And do you what do you do more of, before the game or in-game betting? I'm going to tell you something.

I love this new sports betting, this new, everybody's doing it. The Draft Kings, live betting for me, yesterday. Who could tolerate that fucking giant game? No one. After three minutes, they were down 16

nothing. I knew what time it was. I ran, I did something, I went to like CVS or something. And then I came back and it was still like they looked like fucking debt. I know a fucking high school team that could beat the Giants. So I just took a chance and I bet the under. And I started watching winning time with the Lakers with my wife. And then Mercy came down. We're talking.

When they went upstairs, I went to check and it was 40 or nothing. And the fucking second string quarterback got put in. I'm like, fuck, that's a level. points. This guys could throw two. I was two touchdowns away from losing, but I ended up winning. I woke up this morning, and the game had gone under. So, listen, it's a 50-50

toss-up. It's just fun. It's entertaining. You throw a little something small on the game just to enjoy it. I got some rice pudding from fucking the Manalapan diner for late night, like the fourth quarter. You know, the edible will kick in. That's all this is, is entertainment. I go to bed, I get up, and tomorrow you hustle again.

That's basically it, my friend. I would love, I was thinking about this because I'm a fat guy, how much money do you think, like, pizza places make on a Sunday? Like, now in football season. They must fucking love it. I would like, it was packed. To my surprise, crispy pizza, the official new sponsor to the checkout. God damn.

The one at O'Bridge had a fire, but the one that fucking freehold is good. Yeah. You know what time they're open time Saturday night? What time? Midnight. Oh, that's the best. That means you can run down there and be back at my house by 11.30 by the cold headline fight. I love.

Can you imagine getting a pizza at 1115 at night when you're fucking stone on these A-B-Xs and all of a sudden you got something to watch for two hours and you just devour that piece? I haven't done in years. I can't eat a whole pizza. I eat two slices and it's busting out of me, man. Love it, though. Fucking, I got, you know, for a while I came here and I wasn't eating pizza and I was depressed.

I was like, how the fuck don't I eat pizza? I used to eat one slice a day. What, it all tasted the same to me. And then I walked into Krispy and it changed my fucking life. I still, I like my regulars. I like, you know, the one I took you to the Staten Island people. Right. I like those in there all the time.

We get pies. I haven't been in there in a while. I got to go in there and say hello. Carlos is my boy, you know, John, the owner. And I go to a couple, you know, it's not like I'm going to drive like fucking the dude from Barstool. I'm not driving two hours to go get a slice of pizza. I got good food right around here.

But it was crazy tonight with that beef stew. I've been craving fucking beef stew. Yeah. Isn't it hot, though? Isn't it too hot for beef stew? Not tonight. Not in Joey Diaz's world. Jesus.

I can always I'm my trash. I could always eat beef stew. I could eat a can of dinty more like a motherfucker. I love dinty more can stew with wonderbread with butter on that motherfucker.

Come on. You know the fart you'll be blowing at midnight? You eat one of those artificial Russian carrots? Fuck. You might lose your eyesight or you might have 40-40 vision instead. Well, is it a Russian carrot? Yeah, those little, they buy those carrots from Russia, Ukraine, you know. Those are your fucking carrots then.

I went on a... I'm definitely going to get thrown in jail for this one. Real quick, what the Danny Masterson thing. Jesus Christ. I'm just... How many years did he get? 30. That's crazy.

It's crazy that someone can get away with it for that long. Hold on one second. With that in mind, now for a word from my sponsors. All right, football's in full swing with another week of epic game and to the excitement with Draft Kings an official sports betting partner

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which therapist at any time had no additional charge. Listen, I was a better help for about a year. I was going through a bunch of stuff and they really bailed me out. And now I got a clear head. So you too get headed to the fall season with a clear coconut. Get a break from your thoughts with better help. Again, visit betterhelp.com slash Diaz today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. All right. We're talking about Danny Masterson. Yeah, I was just saying, like, it's, I, I,

dude, that stuff is depressing, so I didn't, I didn't look too heavily into, but I have seen what's going on with his friends who wrote letters, and he's got, like, so many years. It's crazy. Like how, God, I'm sorry. Just how long he, like, you get away with it for. That whole thing is just,

you have this image of people, because that 70 show when I was growing up, was big. That was a big show. Very big. The problem here, it wasn't, I don't think the conviction was against Danny Masterson as much as a conviction about Scientology. The reason why it took 20 years to prosecute because Scientology was hiding and hawing and, you know, whatever the fuck they do, torment people and whatever. So it took a while to get some traction to it. You know, the DA must have heard some stories or something. and they just went in there.

And listen, man, like you said, I got to L.A. in 97. I booked a couple jobs, 98. Then I went on the road. I didn't book for a couple years. And then, like, in 2001, I started booking. And I'll never forget being on a pilot. I was on a show that got canceled on NBC.

And it had all these young little hipster stars. And I had a two-day guest star on it, some shit. I did two episodes. Put the young kids on that, the people who were on that show, between you and I, you know, I'm as tough as nails, they made you feel insecure.

About what? Because they were always like telling secrets amongst themselves. They were very cutesy, like it was all a joke. And then years later, I did how I met your mother. Mm-hmm. And I'll never forget how those little faggots

acted. I mean, they were like little fags. They were like little fucking girl. And the guy that's on the Lakers show, who I like on the Lakers show, he's a great actor, Jason Siegel. He was the ringleader. And then the scene when I was shooting that,

they threw a balloon at somebody. It was supposed to be like a balloon I'm throwing to you. They threw it at the assistant, just for a joke. And there she is covered with water. She had tears in her eyes, and he turned around to the other little nerdy fucks, and they were like giggling like, we did it, you know.

So I want you to understand the mentality of these fucking little scumbags, okay, what they were doing. And now it's starting to come out, that they were going to kiss a 14-year-old girl. Whatever. You know, it's Hollywood. What the fuck do you expect? But these guys, they did what they wanted to. You know, Toby McGuire and those. animals were fucking taking people playing poker.

That young crew was debt. You know, Leonardo DiCaprio with the poker games and the bitches and the fucking and the 70s show was part of that. Those guys, you know, the little Mexican guy that slings dick like three hands, the Honduran kid. Great-down. You know, but those other guys, I could see them as like being

kind of cutesy. In fact, I thought about a show I did. called Happy Hour. A pilot. I don't know about that show. I did a pilot for Fox about 10 years ago, even longer, 15 years ago. It was out of all those people in that pilot,

one person shined. Two of them, really. John and this other guy that was on Narcos. He had tons of movie roles. The other guys were stiffs. They were done by the, it was a show done by the same people as the 70s show.

Okay. When they wrapped the 70s show, this is the show they developed, called Happy Hour. They had fired. When I went in for that job, they had fired the previous four people before me. For your role? Not two, not three, four, because it was a funny role. These guys were improv motherfuckers. They know nothing about being funny.

All they know about is how to be funny with eight people on stage. Right. Right, for a bunch of fucking how many guns. You know, oh, my God, get the fuck out of here. I want to see you go down to a brick wall with a microphone and fight it out. Okay? What was I talking about? About the show Happy Hour.

You were the fourth one for your role. I was the fifth guy that got hired. Fifth one. And after that, Fox was like, no, no more. And I went in there and tore them up. I tore them up, dog. You know, I had a couple lines, but I improvised, and I used my body or whatever, and I tore them up. And after two days, they were ganging up on me.

Because you were too funny? And telling little secrets and shit. Oh, fuck them. We shot the pilot. Everything was successful. They didn't like me. I was in a different realm. I'm a comedy store soldier. I'm a Marine. These guys are fucking that, you know, they're paying 800 a month for somebody to tell them they're funny. You know, two different fucking worlds, my friend. How is, go ahead. I'm sorry. I was just saying, how was acting? Because I know you said, Like you have like the stand-up chops, but how is it different?

Does it feel similar to be funny acting as it does, like when you're on stage? It takes some time. It takes time to learn because you're so stiff at first. And listen, I've seen people who have done it. There's some actors who were great. First time movies and shit. It took me a while to get a little warmed up.

You know, I didn't know what I was doing. I got picked right out of the choir for basketball. I was just walking by with a red shirt. on that people thought it was like a whistle. But, you know, you just, I didn't get my full stride till Mark Maron's show. Really? Yeah. I started the longest year I developed it.

Right. In 17 fucking weeks. So that's like every week doing fucking 10 sets. Boom, boom, doing two scenes a day. You know, fucking four days a week and then 17, you know, that's a lot. lot of scenes. So you learn. That was a great movie for me because I practiced every day. Do you think, because my least favorite part, and I love doing weekends, but I hate late show Saturday because I'm like, I'm not at the point you where I'm doing it every week.

And I know with the longest yard, you thought like it might have like catapulted to do like a lot of acting. If you had gone from like the longest yard and did movie and movie, like, do you think there could have been a point where you would have stopped doing stand up and just been an actor? I don't know, Lee. I don't know. When I got the longest yard, I loved doing stand-up. I was just breaking into who I was. So it was very interesting for me.

I remember not doing stand-up the first six weeks in Santa Fe and, like, looking for open mics. And then I just used the set. I would just go off on the set. But those are the roughest six weeks for me ever. And I didn't also do blow those six weeks. so there was no blow and no fucking stand-up. I would smoke dope and hang out with the guys and crack jokes.

But it was very unique for me. You know, 2004, I still love stand-up, like a motherfucker. I was doing coke, you know, I appreciated going out because you were going to do Coke after your stand-up set. You know, I really enjoyed it. In fact, I was thinking about today somebody put a flyer for an open mic on my Twitter timeline. Oh, yeah. It's in Clifton. It's a fucking hour away and an hour back.

The skies are coming down here tonight. Plus, we had this and other things. But what are we talking about? About acting when you were on the longest yard. No comedy. You still loved it. It sucked. You know, I love stand-up at that time.

I still do. I still do. I just, I don't want to really go out right now. I'm having a good time hanging out, doing the podcast with you. I'm good. Oh yeah, no, it's completely different. But I don't think so. In fact, I didn't like those people.

I'd be as honest as I can with you. I didn't like people who, except for like Eddie Murphy, I saw that. But I also saw a lot of standups I worked with that moved to LA and became something else. At first, I didn't appreciate it. I thought they gave up. But then I realized that stand-up is just a starting point. Does it have to be? could you make a career as just a stand-up?

Yeah. But I'm talking about a starting point. Like, listen, if you come to me tomorrow and go, Joey, I got to be honest with you. I really want to get into the business. What should I do? I really like directing. I would say, do you sign up for a course somewhere?

You know, there's got to be something available. And I want you to do me a favor before you do anything. Get on stage one time. You think everyone should get on stage? If they're going to get into the entertainment business. Okay. Because it gives you a little different look of the field. Now you know how the peasants feel down below.

Because we're the worker bees, you know what I'm saying? We're the worker bees. We're down there fucking making honey all fucking day. Then as you have, you know, you get older to a producer, you become, but I want every, listen, one of the best directors I work with. was great because he had done stand-up 15 years. And he told me, because that wasn't a good stand-up. But now I get hired constantly as a director from the depth, the depth, the levels that it gave me, you know?

So it's interesting shit. It is interesting because stand-up, even from my level, really, I guess, has a little bit of everything. Because when you look at a special, it even says written by, produced by, directed by. A lot of times it's just a comic because you're writing your whole thing. You have to like, I mean, the choreograph, it sounds stupid, but a lot of comics have, like, they walk around, they have physical jokes. It is a little bit of everything. That's the gift of being a comic that not a lot of people understand.

We do it all. We run the fucking show. And I'm very proud of that quality. I am the Cacton, Kirk. I am the CEO of Joey Diaz, Inc. You are the Captain Kirk, the CEO of Lee Cyanic. What's that, what's that mean, Joey? What's that mean that this is your world?

It has no boundaries. It has no limits. And nobody could tell you how you do it. So when you fail, you fail on your own and you get stronger. Right. But then that's also like a frustrating part because there's no path, like there's a path, but not really. Everyone's different. There's no way.

Like, if you do this and do well here, you'll get the spot here. It's just all, maybe like the Booker's not even there. They're not paying attention or what, like, it just... That's fine. You got on stage. It doesn't feel fine. You got on stage. Fuck the Booker.

He didn't see you. He'll see you next time. And next time you'll be a lot funnier. Do you follow me? Right now, you're using them and they're pretty much using you. Okay. I want you to think that they were, you know, when you walk in, we're so happy to see you.

Welcome. They don't give a Frenchman's fuck. You could have a guy with a missing eye on an eye patch. And they would have said, you know, it's, I don't ever want you to lose sight of what you're doing. Right now, at the fourth, fifth year, you're just trying to get on stage. Right. Never mind what this guy thinks.

If the owner's not watching, fuck him. There's a comic that's watching. And he's going, that guy's pretty fucking funny. I'm going to ask me if he wants to do next Tuesday night at the fucking Chowlin Monk, you know? First time I got on stage. Some guy came up to me. He's like, hey, man, do you want to do Denver Broncos training camp tomorrow night?

Thursday night. First time I got on stage was Tuesday. And this motherfucker has given me a gig for five bucks on Thursday. That's crazy. I'm sure he made $10,000. It was the Denver Broncos training camp. I was just happy to do it for $5 of gas money. That guy ended up giving me thousands of dollars over the years.

So that $5 gig My second night getting on stage Led to this guy In fact we've been talking on Facebook lately Oh really? Yeah He's still doing comedy shows No

No he's like a teacher Now he got out of it He was all he owned like a motorcycle shop And he booked fucking these great rooms In places where There was no other entertainment Yeah I love those places those are my favorite places to do stand up right now.

The whole town was out. Oh, I love it. The whole town comes out, and they think you're a movie star. That's where they come up to you, and they go, can I touch you? I never touched you before. That happened to me. It happened to me in Portland. In Portland?

This is 100% a true story. I was with my new boss, and not everyone, not all the time, but every couple of weeks someone will know me from the podcast. So I was sitting there having dinner with my new boss It was like my first time meeting And I see this like mom and kid looking at me I mean it just looks You can tell us they look happy

So they come up and in my head I'm like all I'm going to look like a I'm looking at a little cool in front of my new boss And the mom goes You know we love your stuff You're so funny Thank you thank you that means a lot And the kid like yeah yeah you're great

And they go right before they can we take a picture? I said sure And they go you know Maulkop is our favorite movie. Paul Blard Malk and I felt like I wanted to like melt into the ground. And I said, what? Kevin James?

They thought I was Kevin James. I told, I'm like, I'm not, I'm sorry, I'm not Kevin James. And they go, we don't care. Can we still take the picture? It's Mother and Sun Night. And I didn't know, I took a picture with someone, because I looked like Kevin James. It's one of the most of the most of the present one

because I thought I was getting recognized in front of my boss. And they didn't even call me Kevin James. It just said Malkop. That is one of the worst. Oh my God. I'm sweating. Just thinking about it.

Jerry's Deli and Beverly Hills. That would be 15 years ago. He was on top of the world, Ralphie Mae. And we get out of the car and the guy runs up and we go, Fluffy. It's good to see you. Oh, my God. That poor Ralphie, I thought he was going to melt into the

fucking floor that night. When people mistake you and shit like that, look at me. For years, everybody came up to me as big pussy. When I take it, sometimes I said no, but sometimes they're like, hey, you want a gram blow? We love you on HBO. Fuck yeah. And I thought to be

on the Sopranos and shit. If you want to rock, I'll rock with you, you know. It was one of my favorite moments with you. Remember when we went to Austin once and they put you in the wrong hotel. They put you in the nice hotel instead of the one by the restaurant and we went to eat and we went to a convenience store to get like a soda or something in

this little mall and it's called the domain in Austin and there's the two guys who ran the convenience store like oh shit man we love the soprano you're like that's not that's not me guys and they're like oh they're like oh come on we know it's you don't you don't got to be like that and you're like guys it's not me and after like the fourth or fifth time got it finally went okay and they like they like you think you think you think you They would not take no for an answer. They were convinced it was big pussy. Brother, what are you going to do?

Let's look at some games for next week, Cuck Sucker. Let's do it, buddy. Let's see what you got on top here. I'm going with Kansas City, I think. Because I don't, and I know this isn't a thing. Hold on. Hold on. Let's go with Minnesota against Philadelphia. I know you have Minnesota last week.

I did have Minnesota. or part of your 18 team parley seven yeah I think I think Philly's gonna kill is gonna beat him by seven

no no that see that I don't like that I don't know I think I think I think Philly because they they know I think that they could have

very easily lost that game with the Patriots last night they could have so who do you like that I like Philly me I don't like this game by Thursday hopefully I'll feel the over and under but right now I'm not feeling it Sunday September 17th the month is fucking moving it is it's crazy

the Jaguars given getting three points from Kansas City yeah I don't like that I like Kansas City in that me I like Jacksonville Jaguars you think so I'll tell you why After the Giants won one year, the next year they opened up their season opening and they lost. The following week, a bunch of guys where I worked, bet a bunch of money on the Giants because they say there's no way the Super Bowl champions are going to lose two in a row, and they lost two in a row. So I'm going with Jacksonville for this one.

I like that game a lot. The next game is Detroit, Seattle Seahawks. Yeah. I think Detroit will be. win but they won't cover. I would get the game right now. I like Detroit. Like I said last week, listen, Detroit, they're relentless.

They play till the last whistle is blown and even then you better fucking get ready to rock. So that's a good game. You got Tennessee against the charges. The charges coming off a loss against Miami and Tennessee coming

off a loss with the new quarterback, Tennessee. you know, they went to like 19 quarterbacks for seven years or something like that. Do you mean Indiana? Indianapolis? No, Tennessee. Or maybe it was Indianapolis.

Yeah, because Tennessee has Tannenhill. But, yeah, that new quarterback for the Colts looks pretty good. He looked pretty good. Next game you got, you got Baltimore Ravens, plus three and a half. Yeah, that's... Against Cincinnati Bengals. I'm going to wait on that game

to see where the line goes. By the end of the week, might drop the three and a half, might drop the three or go up to four. Do you ever play with that? Because on draft kings, you can do that. You can make your own odds and like fuck with the line a little bit. On draft kings? Yeah, you can go in and be like, I think the overrunner is going to be this.

And it'll affect the payout. The payout. Yeah, yeah, I saw that. But you can make your own odds. Green Bay came out throwing some heat yesterday. Yeah, Jordan Love. I think that's the way to do it. It's having quarterback, like, underserved.

study, like the last three Green Bay Packers' quarterbacks. And I know it's only been one game, but he looked fucking really good. How'd Atlanta do yesterday? I think they lost, but let me check. Let's see here. Oh. Yeah, no, no, they beat Carolina. Okay.

But Carolina's right there. Both of them won yesterday. Green Bay had a good day. I don't know what to do that. I don't know much about these teams. Tampa Bay, Chicago Bears. Tampa Bay won yesterday, right? Yeah.

Brady? No, yeah, Baker Mayfield look good. I think, and I like the Bears. I like the Bears a lot, but based on yesterday, I think Tampa Bay would win that one. Yeah, they still. You think Tampa Bay? Yeah, I think Tampa Bay. Buffalo and the Raiders in Buffalo.

First Sunday game at home. You know, it's nice weather up there. The Paraguas are cooking. Motherfuckers eat. Wings. the blue cheese like it's going out of business here. So it's hard because we don't, obviously, the game tonight,

but I would normally pick the bills. As much as I hate picking the bills because I'm a Patriots fan. Right now they're giving nine and a half. So they know something that we don't know. Next game, Indianapolis, away, playing in Houston, giving the Texans one and a half points. I think India, based on yesterday, I know that the new Texans quarterback is supposed to be good.

They're both rookies. But I like, I like everything. Do you ever read the articles? Like, I love reading articles, like about football. And they've been saying like the new Indianapolis quarterback is like first in, first out. Like they just, I don't know. Something about quarterbacks. Like I like reading articles to like get into like their psyche.

I feel like they need like that kind of their personality plays a role in it to me. Let me tell you some. not to interrupt you. We're on whatever game here. Last Saturday, I didn't know the UFC was on, whatever. I think by that time I had found out, I came home and I was going to show Mercy a clip of a movie. I was looking for a clip from Peewee's big adventure

when he rose off on the motorcycle and shit to Keela. But when I clicked on YouTube, it was Joe Rogan in those guys. Okay. And I didn't get it, so Mercy ran upstairs, and I was watching Joe and those guys. And it came up to the...

This is what I didn't tell you. It came up to the fucking Alessano fight, and everybody in the room was like, oh, my God, Ola Sanyo is the goat. I was getting pissed off at that because Anderson Silver's the fucking goat. Okay? You know, I saw Anderson Silver come in,

to a fucking UFC and just kicked a shit out of like nine people in a row. So in my world, it's Anderson. So I'm steaming already. And they're like, all making that fix are the sanyos, the goat. And I'm like, you know what? I'm going to throw an extra $20 on this motherfucker

because even these guys are talking about how this sanyo. And sure enough, sometimes I like reading articles, but sometimes I don't. And whatever I feel on Tuesday, like when I woke up yesterday, Jacksonville, the line dropped to four

from four and a half on Tuesday when we did the podcast the week before. Uh-huh. At first I didn't like it and I go, I liked them on Tuesday, I like them today. And sure enough, they came back and won or whatever the fuck it was, you know?

So sometimes I look a lot at lines, guys. I don't know about the stats. I don't know nothing. So you didn't give me the Indianapolis, Houston, Texas. I think it's going to be indie. I think Indy's going to win. Okay, look at this game here. The Rams lose yesterday?

Yeah. I'm almost positive. No, no, no, no. They won. I'm sorry. Okay. They're getting eight points from San Francisco in Los Angeles.

Oh, yeah. I think San Francisco is going to destroy L.A. I mean, look at you. The Giants lost 40 to nothing, and they're given four points to Arizona in Arizona. By the time... Arizona's supposed to be awful. Oh, look at this.

Yeah. the Jets play the Cowboys. Let's see if the Cowboys kick the fuck out of two New York teams in one, two weeks. See, that'll be interesting. Right now they give it three and a half to the Jets. It'll be interesting to see how they go tonight. How they do tonight. Did you watch the HBO show Hard Knocks with the Jets at all this year?

No. You know, I only watch like an episode and a half. I can't watch the whole thing. But I like to, you don't like watching that stuff? It depends who it is. Is there a player who you'd watch right now if there was a certain team right now that you'd like to watch?

I like Jacksonville. Okay. I like to see more Baltimore. Baltimore would be really fun. Detroit is a good team to watch. Like, you know, these are all teams that you catch them now. I'm not saying Detroit's when I win the Super Bowl, but if they keep playing how they were playing,

they had to fucking comeback kids. So I would have loved to have seen Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Baltimore Ravens, like that, like that. Oh, my God. Good defense. It's like watching the Lawrence Taylor days. It's like watching the

Jack Lambert, Jack Ham days. Just fucking great. It was like watching an opera. It's like watching ballet the fucking way they move and shit. You got Denver at home against the Washington commanders and Denver is given two and a half.

three and a half i'm sorry the commanders aren't supposed to be that good i think they won yesterday i just think and i don't know it's amazing i don't know how it happened so quickly it seems like rossil wilson and granted i can't even pick up a football with one hand but it seems like he is shitty now for whatever reason russlewilson Miami given two and a half to new england at home i don't i like you know what last year and i know it's hard to listen to a Patriots fan complain.

But I feel like a hot girl that, like, isn't hot anymore. Because it was awesome being a Patriots fan for 20 years. And it sucked. And I still think we're going to be in every game. I thought our defense was pretty fucking good yesterday. And it's just the penalties, which I, Bill Belichick's been great. I think he sucks as a general manager.

He's good on defense. But Nikiel Harry, speaking of which, that he just is not. has not been great on offense. But I think I want everything in me wants to pick the Patriots to win, but seeing what they did to San Diego yesterday, I think they're going to, yeah, I think Miami's going to run all over the, and I don't want them to,

but Tyree kills 1,000 miles an hour. I don't know how you, I don't know how you cover Tyree kill. I'd mean either. Didn't he have two touchdowns yesterday? Yeah. At least. Two touchdowns, 11 receptions.

Eight million yards. No game that guy. They got great receivers. And if they could protect. tour, you know. I live around the corner from the biggest Miami Dolphin family. They're not even a fucking guy.

It's a family. And they show up and they bring food and booze. And it's very, and you learn a lot because I remember in L.A.? I never watched football. Now I go over there. It's my favorite thing. They talk. They fucking say shit. It's tremendous.

It's one of my biggest enjoyment. And guess what, Lee? I don't have to say shit. I just sit there. I'm stoned, and I just giggle. Oh, there's so much fun. I only went, it was great. And I know it's only a joke, but it was all of them.

But then they had, like, one or two sons who are Jets fans, and they had, like, them sitting upstairs by themselves. I mean, while there's a party going on downstairs. They don't want to be down there listening to that. They just want to focus. He's got, like, three TVs going. You want to be by yourself? They got a room by yourself.

They got a living room where you can watch, like, the Dallas game. Let's say you don't want to watch Miami. and then they have the main room downstairs, and it is, I think I speak for everybody who comes on Sundays. They're all happy. It's back. I didn't eat yesterday, but they had pizza, shrimp, chicken wings,

chips, every type of beer. You know, he redid the bar. I mean, I bring the reefer. You know, I'm not surprised. There's like two guys who get high there. We go outside and smoke a little bit. You know, I'm starting to do what I did as a kid again. And that's been fucking great.

You know, I like sports, Lee. But when you're married to something, like you are about to be, and I was, to really get into the nuts and balls. I've been talking out on the Patreon, on the Patreon podcast, about how much shit goes into our minds that we think about,

and all that energy takes away from your goals. You know, Rogan always talks about, oh, you got really funny. I tell you what happened. I stopped dating a girl. The girl was a lot of work, a lot of thought. She came with me to the shows. I don't like women coming with me to a show and sitting in the back like Onassis. I don't like that shit.

I'm a lone fucking soldier. You know, I'm a lone wolf dog. Who's Onassis? Whatever the fuck. Jackie Onassis. She was married to Kennedy and she married Onassis. you know once she once her and I stopped dating

she took so much of my fucking energy with bullshit that I had time to focus and I'm telling you that I see so many people who fucking focus on the little as shit but they're not focusing on the most important thing and at the end of the day what they're focusing on doesn't fucking matter

and I did it for years until one day I said fuck these bitches it's got nothing to do with me None of those stories on the front page of the Daily News have anything to do with me unless I want them to, unless I want to read that shit and carry it all days. You know, I see people who are obsessed

or hate Trump. You know, just all they do. I take a lot of energy out of you. Yeah. At the end of the day, Trump being present or not being present doesn't fucking even affect you. You're a bummer. You're on disability.

You know, you slip 20 years. years ago, you don't want to go to work. But, you know, it's just, it's just insanity. So every time you waste your energies on, like, it takes away from your main focus, which is the prize. What am I, Samoa from Salami? No, I'm just, it's like a low cause, like, you know, I think that, and it's not even limited to comedy. There's tons of people chasing their dreams out there. But to, like, get out of, like, you know, relationship or quit a day job or to move away from, like, family. Like,

it's, like, it's hard to do some of the things you're talking. Like, to really, like, just throw yourself into something. It's a big fucking decision. But I see,

you know, I see people who are really good at real estate. Like right now, if you sell real estate, it's a little rough right now with the interest rates and the fucking this and that and the low house inventory.

Guess what happens now? This is when the real salesman come out. This is when the real salesman come out. This is when the real salesman come out when there's fucking nothing. These guys are still selling shacks or fucking and other people like, what's going on? I can't wait the Saturday to go to my husband's party. That's what's going on. You're not, and this is life, you know, cars right now. You know, you go on to buy a car, you're paying all the dough for it. They don't give a fuck. There's other people. You won't

pay. They'll pay, you know. What about I talk? I don't even fucking about making that decision to like just joke go for it. Just go if if you and I sit here about a club owner and talk about how much of a douchebag is with 30 minutes we're not accomplishing nothing. Right. That's 30 minutes you and I could be talking about a joke. One particular joke. Let's belt this motherfucker out till whatever and you call me about one of your jokes.

I call you when I'm stuck with one of your jokes. You know, it's so weird. now, even to see my daughter and my wife the other day, they went to kickboxing. And I asked her, how was class? And my daughter's like, it was great. There was only eight people there, but Joey was there. Joey's one of her friends, a girl. And I'm like, really?

How was the brother? That fucking a trip, the both of them. And she's like, he was great. And my wife's like, well, he wasn't there. And Mercy's like, yes, he was. You didn't see him. He didn't have glasses on. My wife was like, yeah, but I sat with the grandmother.

I still didn't see him, Mercy. And I'm like, knock it off. Six minutes. Does it matter if he was there or he fucking wasn't? And this is America.

This is life. People focus on that little fucking thing. Right. Chop on it. And the whole time the world is fucking moving. The world is moving. But like that, that's a whole not because I love that.

I love when we'll be out. And a conversation will start to happen that has like really nothing. Like, you know, it's like it's a small talk conversation. But it's like they drive you nuts. Oh, there's a restaurant I go to that every time this waitress is there, I just want to take the knife and stick it in my eye.

And I love the place. And I like her. She's very sweet and cute. But she doesn't understand that. When I walk into a place, give me five minutes. Give me five minutes to sit down, get my water, look around, see how the wind is blowing. and then I'll talk to you for 10 hours, but give me five minutes.

I'm not even at my table, and she's already asking me how my week was, and I know she means well, but knock it off. I come here every week. Just talk to me about you. What's going on? You get some dick last week. What did you do?

Have you said this to her? No, because she drives me crazy, but eventually I'm going to say something to her. Because it's like eight minutes of fucking chit-chat. I'm starvingly. When I walk in a good place, listen, I really know what I want to order. When that way, you know, tell him, when the waiter comes, is like, would you guys like something to drink?

Yeah, but we're ready to put an order in. Oh, yeah. And people that are with me, look at me like, are you crazy? We just got, dog, I really looked on the menu on the way over here. You really should have. I'm prepared. Yeah. I'm prepared when I walk in there.

Because you don't know when he's coming back. Like tonight I went to the diner just to get maybe like a steak. On Monday night, she has a good grilled steak with onions and shit. okay it's pretty fucking good and she had the beef stew and that's easy and that's what I've been craving okay

so what we don't know about we were talking we were talking about hold on oh god about um fuck those ABX are good those ABXs are real fucking good no more of Tom Sagar

a fucking and the whole bit on them and shit. We were talking about a couple different things, about making the choice to go for it, and then you were talking about, I don't know how we got to diners. Diners drives in automobiles, bitches. You'll be your picks for next week, Cucksucker.

If you were going to bid one pick, if you were going to bet $100, a yardstick, who would it be? And it's hard a week out, but I'm going to go Kansas City plus three. I don't think they're going to lose two weeks in a row, but if they do, it's going to be a close. I'm going with Jacksonville plus the three.

I think, I don't think that's possible. You can add three points to it. Jacksonville isn't the one I saw was minus three for Jacksonville. No, Sunday, September 17th. Kansas City minus three. Oh, Kansas City minus three right now? Yeah. Oh, I saw plus three.

Okay. What I'm talking about. And they're home Jacksonville. I'm going to go with Jacksonville for the upset. Okay, I'm going to stick with Kansas City, though. Where are you at this week? What are you got? Saratoga Comedy Works.

These people want to go see it open mics, dog. I want them to go see it open mics to see you from the beginning. So they could all say I know Lysayat when. All right. The open mics, Tuesday nights, I'm usually at Ralph's in Worcester. Wednesday nights, there's a great one. There's a couple good ones. One at Blackstone in Worcester and one at Rick's in Woonsock.

Thursday nights is at the Hotel Vernon. Was it a great open mic? There's a great night, open mic Monday nights. At best, where someone gets stabbed. There's a fun little scene out here in Worcester. I love clubs or somebody got stabbed or somebody got killed the week before and there's candles in front of the club. Just to protect by the stand up.

It adds a different fucking flogers. There are candles at this club. And it wasn't, it since changed. The owners now were very nice. It was before it was Beth. There was stabbing, but the candles are still. there. So yeah, that's pretty much my week. We didn't fucking, uh, we didn't, uh, really discuss, finish the Danny Masterson thing.

Okay. The point was, my point was that those guys were really cute and, uh, they thought they were invincible. And I think this is a personal assault on Scientology. You know, I think that the word got out. These guys are intimidating people and blah, blah, blah. he's not in jail yet no I don't think so I think he's out on bond

until he surrenders himself that's what happens when you have money they let they took me right there in the fucking they didn't even let me go back for a fucking to smoke or join us doing anything so I can't believe that's one with 30 years out of that court that's crazy yeah I mean listen man

it's so funny when like right now I'm seeing like remember during the pandemic during the pandemic the world's shock. People don't know what's going on. And all of a sudden, people started talking about charges. Like, this guy did this to me. This woman did this. This guy did this. And then some people started getting canceled. You know what's so fucking weird. Right now, it's one of the worst times ever for the entertainment business. One of the worst times ever. We're going on a four month strike. You lived in L.A. I lived in L.A. You know where we lived. Nothing moves without

entertainment in our area. Not even Yum Yum Donuts is doing good. Even Yum Yum Donuts got affected. That chick has taken us now. She had a pawn a bicycle. The little Mexican chick, Vivian, from fucking El Rancho, wherever she comes up from.

You know, everybody, I feel bad for them. I really do. We spoke about this last week. Yeah. Now, in the middle of all this, have you noticed what's happening? No. And they're attacking the guy on NBC, the drunk, you know, the Cork shows. He's a drunk. People know he's got to, he's an alcoholic. He's a great guy,

Jimmy Fallon. Oh, I was not going to say his name. Oh, boy. He's one of those guys that drinks all day. He has to sleep in the afternoon. He has to take a nap like Bert. You know, what you would do? I ain't mad at you. I smoked dope all day. I was fucking eating edibles all day. I can't. But it's just insane, man. It is insane. What happens to people? I mean, it's. Now they're just pulling people down. Like, again, that are in the entertainment business. Right now is not the time the strike is killing motherfuckers.

And now is when the fuck... And those motherfuckers that open their mouth, they ain't got a job once the strike is over. They better start getting a job right now, all the people on Jimmy Fallon, because I wouldn't bring them back. We're a fucking family. I pay you.

We work together. We work 12-hour fucking days. You know what happens when you work 12-hour days with people, you see the worst part of them at the eight hours. I've been there. I've thrown fits. One time I was in a room for 10 hours. They didn't know I was there. I shot at

11 o'clock and they came back and got me at 11. I shot at 1 in the afternoon. They told me, go to your room for half hour. We'll come and get you. They didn't even check on me until 10 o'clock at night. I'm back there high as fuck. Watching TV. Fucking eating edibles, you know,

attacking the crab service. You know, while it was happening, I wasn't mad, but I was going to say. When they came in at 10.30, I was fucking angry. You know, I'm like, what the fuck, guys? So what do you expect? When you work 12, 14 hour days, man, there's going to be fucking, there's going to be some shit.

There's going to be problems. You and I are not going to agree on everything. We're trying to make the best show they can't possible. Do you remember, like, within the last 10 years, there was an article because a bunch of SNL interns sued the company Yeah Like they were like

They were interns And like they made them like pee in bottles And like they couldn't take breaks And like everyone in the hours It was before I even at you I think Everyone in the office was like Oh well they're not gonna like Just regular post production people

Like well they're not gonna get high You can't You can't do stuff like that Even if you're real Because there are a bunch of creepy people Doing shitty things In the entertainment industry And I'm not like

Obviously if you get assaulted You should tell people but if someone's just like kind of a dick and it doesn't make it right at all because I met some shitty people in L.A. No, that's the problem that they give a green light to those assholes and they could act that way all the time. But there is something like there's people being too sensitive, I think.

Well, people are sensitive and then there's some actors that are unbearable, that are unbearable. Some don't wear deodorant. Some come in and they're in. character and they think it's fine, you know, to be... What's the other guy? The black guy that was in trouble from all the

horror movies, he got in trouble for domestic violence. Everybody attacked him while he was going through that, saying that he was a problem on the set. I don't watch horror movies, I'm sorry. I've been on movie sets with the stars are just nightmares

and I've been on movie sets where the stars are fucking dynamite. I've been told before, like, don't look at it. Like, this actress coming in. Don't look them in the eye. Like, I've been told that on a couple places. They told me not to shake or make eye contact with Bill Ma.

They told me and Sebastian. And I looked at Sebastian. And about an hour later, Bill Maher came in. And I go, Sebastian, watch this. And I walked right up to Bill Ma, shook his hand and gave him a hug. He fucking just, I was like 400 pounds. He wasn't going to say, hey, man, get off me. I just hugged them, and you can feel them.

Just freeze the germapho. It happens. You got to bust their balls, too. What's the worst thing they can do? Faii. That's true. I love doing this to you again. This is great.

I got to go. This game is starting at five minutes. Oh, shit. Let's do it. Let's do it. Thank you. Who do you think? Who do you think real quick?

Jets or bills? You know, I think I'm going to go with the bills today. Well, good. I'm going with the Jets. Let's see what happens. All right, cocksucker. See you next week. We'll talk during the week, all right?

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