The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Episode #3 - Developing as a stand up, the truth's place in joke writing, and The NFL Weeks 2-3

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

Welcome back to The Check In! Joey and Lee talk about a lot this week including Aaron Rodgers' injury, the danger of crowdwork, and Joey's thoughts on truth and its place in stand up comedy. Joey and Lee also discuss Week 2 in The NFL and what they think will happen in Week 3.  The Check In is brought to you by: Support the show & get hydrated with Liquid I.V. Take 20% off of anything you order at https://www.liquidIV.com & use promo code JOEY Get 20% off & free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com & use code JOEY New customers can bet $5 & get $200 instantly in bonus bets on DraftKings Sportsbook. Download the app & sign up with code JOEY The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

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Pick that phone up, bitches. It's Monday, Cucks. What's happening? Tuesday. Who are you kidding? Tuesday, the 19th. I'm officially 60 and fucking 7 months now, so I'm past the 60 and a half.

I didn't know you counted half birthdays now. What are you going to do? Things are bad all over. How's your week going? My week's gone great. I had a lot of fun this weekend in Saratoga. That was a blast. Thank you to everyone who came out and said, hi.

I had a great week. And then I just, it's fun. I was driving back and I was just listening to my bets lose, which is fun the entire way back. And it was just, the Green Bay Packers, they just fucking broke my heart yesterday.

You know, why are you messing with those people? They're still in the state of confusion up there. Pop is gone. They don't know what's going on. The other fucking. Let's start back to last Monday night. Oh God, I feel so bad for them

I felt bad for them But I got to be honest with you guys I don't know I'm a fucking old idiot Corporations have risk assessment people You know I think that People have risk

I'm just a fucking You know I don't know About football I don't know the games But I know the money they were paying them And what they were expecting from them Like I live here in New Jersey and I go to the gym in the mornings

and they always have, when I ride the bike, they have like sports center on. And every morning, it was like, are they going to win the Super Bowl? You know, it was like, guys, the guy's 39. He's got a great defense. He's got a great offense. He's got not a good offensive line.

And he's a different fucking Aaron Rogers. He wears a ponytail now. You know, he doesn't eat cheese. He's a vegan. that's a different world. That's like, you know, me with stand-up. Like, if you hire me now for a headlining gig, you don't know what you're going to get.

I'm involved in and improvised. That's why I don't take the gigs. He took the gig, he took the challenge, and he goes down four plays into it. The Jets, first of all, they're the fucking kiss of that. I was a Jet fan last night, my man, Steve. I said they got to You know how the Scientologists give those fucking IQ test?

Yeah. They got to go to a jet game with those fucking people and take IQ test and go, why do you keep coming here? You're in no danger. You dress up with the fucking silver chain on, like a momo, with the green shirt on. I mean, they make more on the shirts

and what they do from selling tickets. And people in every goddamn, I don't understand. And I was telling my friends, like, I grew up here in the fucking 70s. and the expectations of your teams were so much bigger. Like, you know, it's even Belichick.

And the 70, well, the New England Patriots didn't have that dynasty like, you know, fucking the Jets had like in the late 60s. They won in 69, you know. But all these teams now, we just accept, we go to this fucking stadium. We pay three bills a ticket. And we got to go home.

like, you know, you got to get back on the train with that jersey. They just got killed. Can you imagine the giant fans last Sunday night, how to get back on that train with that giant shirt 40 or nothing? I liked that thing on fire when I got home. I tried to go home shirtless. You know what I'm saying? Before we forget.

What happened? Oh, yeah. Hamasata, happy Rachashana to all the Jews were struggled. I've been saying this is day one. Don't sleep on the Jews. They're making a strong comeback. But in reality, they never left. I saw a clip today of Ian and Ian Edwards joke where he's saying he likes Jews

because they named their holidays after black women and it, oh, fuck, he said there's like, he knows five Russia Shandas. It killed me. But listen, I hate every New York sports team and maybe except the Mets, but I respect Jets fans. Like they've been shitty. I respect them too because they keep showing up. Yeah. Good's going to happen.

They keep showing up. Now we're living in a fucking New York City area where all four teams are fucking god awful. I mean, the Giants played a great game yesterday against Arizona. But they're supposed to kill Arizona. Huh? Arizona is trying to lose. They got two. They fired their backup quarterback, and they hired two back.

Oh, they signed two backups who had never played it. And they're doing great. Do you see that? There was that one where the Arizona quarterback, ran it in and like this like the guy looks like he has like a health condition like he has no hair he and he just pulled over the guy like he just killed him but they they ended up coming back the giants came back but never have i i was hearing i don't know i was here in uh you know the 80s and the giants i think ended up winning an 87 or something they beat denver or somebody or

I forget the bills. And New England, I have no idea. But I know that 86 when the Mets won. You know, so you have four teams. All of them, like, okay, I don't expect all of them to be fucking championship teams. But there was something. It was always a ray of hope in New York, New Jersey area. You know, and now you got four fucking bombs.

The Yankees are what they are. I've judged it to home run. They win. You don't, we go home with nothing. We're fucking lint in our pocket. You know, the Mets are fucking atrocious. I try watching them. You know, I'm an honorary MET fan from my mother.

But it's so crazy with sports, what we accept now. You look at these teams and if they don't have a fucking quarterback, I mean, we just, we're just dead. You just have no fucking team. You're just playing out there. And quarterback is the biggest shortage in the NFL. But who gives the fuck about the NFL, my friend? And Rodgers got $70 million.

I got $2 in my pocket. At least I got my tendons. Knock on wood. How was your weekend? Beautiful. Everything was great. I was actually kind of proud of myself. So I'm so new at this stand-up thing.

But when I first came back last April, if I was doing a show at like a club, I would pay. Like, I hate walking, but I would pace. I'd be so nervous about remembering, like, I'd just go over in my head, like, from, like, each joke I wanted to hit in one order. And then I got a little bit less nervous about that. But if someone, like, yelled something out, even if I had a joke about it, I wouldn't follow it. I would just kind of, like, steamroll it.

And I would always be disappointed because I felt like it could have been something, like, cool and seem a little bit more off the cuff and seem a little bit more, like, in the moment. And it happened on a late show Saturday. I have, I don't know if you can relate to this. If you, if you asked me to do 15 minutes, I have a pretty solid 15 now and I have 20 and 25, but it's usually the same order. And late show Saturday was the first time that I, like, followed where the audience, like, wanted to go, I guess, like what I be. And it was, like, it went great.

It was like one of the cool, it was like one of the most fun. I've had on stage. It was a small show, but it was, I don't know. I was just really happy that I went with it and followed where it was trying to take me. Very interesting. When you called me Saturday night, I was watching the Colorado-Colars state game.

When you called me, and when you told me that, it made me very excited because that's a big thing that a lot of comics don't know what to do. Do you address it or do you not address it? If you're in a room, work in a room, and a waitress comes in, and she's having a rough night, and somebody bangs into it, and she drops three glasses, and the whole audience notices, you have to react to that in some way or form.

I don't want you to go for it if it's a fucking, if there's nothing really there. You know, don't put the waitress down. Oh, yeah. There's so many fucking different things. don't put the weights just down. You know, I believe in one thing. Sometimes somebody says something that's so fucking stupid that if you join in, it's going to ruin the fucking show.

But sometimes somebody gives you something, and it's a, what do people call it, a hanging vine? I've never heard that, but that makes sense. It's just something that's there. It's like when you're going for a triangle in Jiu-Jitsu, and all of a sudden you switch it to an arm, bar you saw something there was a hanging limb somewhere you know and that's comedy there's always a hanging limb i always played it off if i could take it somewhere i address it sometimes they just

throw something right on your fucking lap and if you don't address it you feel bad like you have been but if you address it and they got somewhere to go with it there's an old tape of mine that I was at the flappers with you one night I got on stage within the two fucking minutes I got on say some lady goes Talk about the Jews Okay, in my world Let's just use that for an example

If I go Shut up lady I don't talk about the Jews You know, they've suffered through You know, that's the typical Hollywood comic That would say it Let's talk about the Jews Let's talk about the fucking Jews

Obviously, she said that because he's Jewish. I had to look real close because I can't see him. You know, Rosh Hashanah says it to me and fuck, and she's black. So I played with the Jew joke. And it won. It was good that night. Now, some nights is going to be bad and some nights is going to be good. And some nights, Lee, you're going to have a 45-minute spot.

And at the third minute of your show, somebody's going to say something, and you're going to run with it all the way to the end of the show. You're going to get off the stage going, I can't believe I didn't say a joke. See, that gives me anxiety. I haven't done that. I haven't, like, I've had lived for maybe three minutes. Like, I, I, I, I don't feel like I'm funny enough yet to just go off, off the cuff and not do material.

When did you start doing that, like not doing material? When I first started comedy, I was very anal like you, and I would not go up there without a prepared set. And sometimes I would just do like, once I had three minutes, I'd put like three jokes, equate them to be one minute apiece, but they'd be 10 seconds apiece.

Right. And he'd be there with two fucking minutes of dead air. And I started reaching. That's what I call it, reaching, you know? and then I got comfortable with comedy, but I came to New York, and I made one of the biggest mistakes that a lot of New York comics make

is they speak to the audience. They call it ballbusting. And for a while, I got involved in that. When you're ballbushed, you're telling me you don't have material. So when I come right up on stage and I'm like, how you doing? I'm Lee Syatt. What do you do for a living?

You know, and yes, it's entertaining for a while. but eventually a club owner is going to go, hey, you have any material? You can't keep improvising in my club. And some guys get really good at it. Some guys get really good at it, and I appreciate that. But again, it's like going to Vegas

and throwing a 50-50 dice. I don't know where my set's going to go. And that's great when you're an MC and a feature act. But when you're a headline, unless you're really good at it, you know, they're paying $25, $35, $45, $45, $45,000, to see you. That, you know, that's great that you can talk to the audience for 20 minutes, but they're there to hear

about you and your world. Your world is different from their fucking world. Do you do you ever use it as a way to, like, mine new material? Like, if you weren't headlining, like, if you were doing a set

at, like, the Ice House or the store, but you never really, I don't even really remember you doing it that much. You would add lib yourself, but I don't really remember you talking to the crowd that much? No, because it took me a long. It's like playing basketball and getting a rebound and dribbling

and going right back up. That's the worst thing you can do in basketball as a forward, is bring the ball to the ground and dribble it. And once you start to doing it, it's a hard fucking habit to break. And once you start talking to the audience, it's a very hard habit to break.

It's a habit that I started in 92, two and a half when I started at the broker as a house MC. And then I came to New York in 93 and I fueled it with the clubs in New York. I saw it working and I would try to do it. And then when I moved back to Colorado, the tail end up 93, again, I was back into there. And then something happened in 94. And I got to start writing material.

And I did. But when I got to Seattle, I started doing it again. Thank God. Seattle was a little bit more structured of a city for me and the club managers spoke to you after you set. With my situation, there was a gentleman named Carl Warman Oven. I just spoke to him on Facebook the other day.

He was the club manager on Mondays. And he would always talk to you a little bit. And he said to me, you don't want to take that habit down to LA. And what about him that, like, you took his advice? Because I would imagine there'd be some club managers. You'd be like, fuck you. he was very knowledgeable about stand-up

and just the way he spoke to you. It was never of disrespectful in any way or sense. And then I gained respect from him and I would talk to him after all my set. Yeah, I would talk to him after all my sets. Just why not? On a Monday and Tuesday, why not? What?

Are there any other, because I have one, like bad habits that you got into as a stand-up on stage? Speaking to the audience, going on stage with a bottle of alcohol. Really? Okay. As a young comic, you're trying to be cool. You're trying to, those guys that go up on stage with the drink with the fucking straw and they suck on it or they jiggle the ice cube.

It's been done already. Be original. You know, be original. You're going to go up there with a drink to get comedy. Who's got their drink on? First time I go see a comedy. Who's got their drink on? I abandoned the fucking ship.

What's it got to do? What joke is there about my drink on? Right. You know? I had like a terrible, and I told you about it, like three to six months. I was jumping off early. Like, sometimes, like, right at the,

the light hit. I don't know what it was. And I didn't want to. And I tried to fight it. But I was so nervous about running the light that I just, like for like months couldn't help but get off like two, three minutes early. And thankfully it stopped. But when I first became a comic for the first five or six years, I was speaking in English, but I was talking in Spanish. What does that mean? That was I was talking in English, but I was using my Cuban speed talking techniques to get through the jokes because I was very petrified. We all do that. If you told me I had five minutes, I swear to God, I would do two, and I'm like, I'm good with that. No, you're not good with that. You've got to go up there and do your material. You give me 15 minutes. I'd show up and do eight and go, I'm good. For a long time,

that was my bad habit. I'm good. No, bitch. Go up there. You owe me seven fucking minutes. That was a hurdle. Learning how to slow it down, get the confidence to slow it down, assert yourself. And it's something with your body language where you're holding your ground, but you're not in a fight. It's the Florida rule. Hold your ground, whatever. And some guy with dirty feet hits you in the head with a fucking bottle. But no, the whole thing.

is fucking once and it takes years guys to hold your your ground technique is just my confidence you're not getting around me you know what I'm saying like you're not getting around me that's what you're thinking about

but that body language lets them know that you're running things you know a person gets heckled because he gave three or four people the idea that he was self-conscious or insecure, what gives you that idea?

So that's when the heckling starts. Everybody gets heckled. I got heckled, except I didn't, a lot of times, I let them throw the heckle up, and you don't assert, you don't, you know it's a stupid heckle. And if you do heckle back, you're going to get into an argument, and that's not what your crowd came to see. You winning an argument on stage is not what your crowd came to see.

So what's that? It's one of my least favorite things as like a stand-up fan is when I go and like the comic is right away like talking shit on the audience. Like they yell at them. That's a young comic. That's a young comic that thinks that like myself, audiences are different. I used to pre-qualify audiences. Like, you know, look at these guys are old.

They're not going to get that joke. You know, no. All audiences are the same. You're the one that fucked up this episode. You're the one that fucked up this set. You know, and it's like anything else. You've got 10 sets. You're going to bomb all 10 of them in the first couple weeks.

Then after that, you pick up momentum. You do well two of the 10 sets, and then three of the 10 sets. Then you bomb for 25 sets, and then you destroy for six sets. The whole goal is of getting on stage so much that you flip the percentages on them. And now I'm not going on. Now I'm trying to hold my fuck. I would love to bomb before I got off comedy.

Hold on. There you go. The cholesterol is working, Jack. What the fuck is cholesterol? It's breast milk. Okay. Yeah. Do you drink breast milk now?

Yeah, I got a little chick in the garage. I hang her upside down. It's like a little chick in the garage. I fucking got a... It's a powder you order. And you mix it in with the liquid IV. Oh, I'm sweating. Oh, I don't miss those sports.

No, it's a good one. It smells pretty healthy. It's got some cater to baritine, whatever the fuck. Kater bait. I don't know. Listen, what do you bother me for? I got 600 in me and two from the afternoon. Two pieces of fucking psilocybin mushrooms, you know.

Jesus Christ. We got New Orleans right now. We got, they're playing. I forget who Carolina. Carolina. And then at 815, tonight we got ourselves a fucking old school rivalry. The Cleveland Browns

with the Sean Watson and a bunch of masseuses showing up the Pittsburgh. Showing up to Pittsburgh up there. Who the fuck knows, man? I'm just happy to see you. I had a great weekend. my brother Mike came up from Delaware. Oh, he did?

My brother Mike, Ronnie. Yeah, I remember, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we came up from Delaware. We hung out Saturday night. We went and got a great fucking steak. And then we went up to the Meadowlands, to the racetrack. Do they have races? No, I go up there to see a fucking play by the Liz, Liza Minnelli.

Yeah, they got races, cock sucker. I don't know. They can't. They closed a lot of those things. I'm going to be as honest I can with you. I didn't even know the racetrack was behind me until I was getting ready to leave. Because we were at,

we went to the Fandul Center because my friend was playing on the third floor, his band, The Past Masters, Stephen Bullock. Can I grow up since day one? Great band. The guy from the Good Rats was there. They did take it to Detroit.

Fucking great. It was just, it was on a rooftop. I didn't drink any alcohol. I smoked like 15 joints and I went up there. I ate a couple of mushrooms and I listened to them. I saw a bunch of kids from high school, a bunch of girls from high school. It was great to see him.

I'm surprised you even went down there. What's that? I'm surprised you even went down there. Trust me. Me too. But I had to get out of the house. I had to go see my man Ovillow. It's been too long, you know.

And it was a perfect night. You know, it was perfect. It was, it's September in New York. York City, brother. San Giro Fee started last Thursday and I still haven't gone over there because I want to go on the daytime. But the nights this week are going to be so fucking

beautiful. Like it rained here all day, but tonight's fucking beautiful. Is it your favorite time in New York in the fall? Yes, it is. Yes. What about it? Because I love everything about New York, but why is the fall your favorite? Because it's just something in the air.

The Yankees are in the playoffs. No, not this year. That's why when 9-11 happened, they hit me so hard because I knew that's the time of the year it'll be in New York City. Now their little fucking fiesta was torn down by,

so I always think of that. Like, I love this time of the year in New York City. It's fucking beautiful. It really is beautiful. It's a nice... It's not too high. You know what I'm saying?

When you get mugged now, you don't feel so bad. You get on the street by some guy who hates Asians, you don't feel so bad. I got hit on 52nd Street. It was a beautiful day. The sun was out. I landed in a puddle full of piss instead of fucking acid. You know, whatever.

Oh, thank God. Have you gotten mugged in New York? When I was a kid, they tried a mug in the Bronx. Yeah. I got chaired. I went to a fucking toy store in the Bronx. My mother's dry cleaner was around the corner. And you knew in those days you had to be careful up in the Bronx.

So I had the $20 bill in my house. my sneaker. It smelled like fucking gorilla glue and fucking God knows what else. And when I went to get at the toy store, when he gave me the change, the kids saw me. And sure enough, I walk out of there and fucking

I got three little fucking kids walking behind me. And then I just started running on Tremont Avenue. And I made it to the dry cleaner before they could get their filthy little hands on me. And then maybe a year later, they tried to mug me in Central Park for my lunchbox. around that one.

Yeah. And then pretty much when you're walking around, like I was training, I was trained to walk up there in the 70s and 80s. It was listen, I can tell you a bunch of lies. It was

what it was. How you present yourself on stage, how you stand up, that confidence. It's the same thing when you're walking those streets. So it's just something that you learned You know We were talking about last week

About how I don't touch the microphone And people lose their mind You know, once I found that But it took years for me to get there I just didn't pop up on stage and go I'm not going to touch the microphone It took years of trial and error And that trial and error

How to touch the mic, how to hold you You ever see an open mic when he pops his elbow up and you know he's green. On the mic stand? I could tell what you're doing by the way you hold the mic. And you've always told me that, and I've always followed your thing. I know you're going to give me shit for this. Have you watched any of Mrs. Maisel on Amazon?

No. And I'm sure you hate it. The one thing that, because I actually like the show, the one thing that upset, she always leaves the mic stand in front of her, which is like, I don't take the mic out. but that's the one thing like everyone taught me is like if you're going to take the mic out you got to move the mic stand and she always leaves it in front of her it bucks a shit

out of me you don't like that show everybody has their own thing and when you pull her aside and you ask her one night like when you're having coffee miss mazel why do you leave the fucking microphone there she'll tell you she'll tell you something that in her mind she thinks she's fat and she fucking wants to hot behind the mic. I mean, we all have the craziest fucking reasons, Lee. Everybody has a fucking different reason on why they do things. Lee, what works for me

and might not work for you. And what works for you might not work for me. I was talking to Lenny Clark the other day. Great Boston comic. He was in one of Rodney specials with Bill Hicks and Dice. He was there. He was fucking there. And we were

talking about something. And I go, I don't know how you're feeling today, but I want you to know something that for a year, I tried to be you. I went out and I bought so many suits on a credit card. Like I had a credit card from my divorce. Right. And I would put it up whatever it was called. I forget the store. The guy's name was Bob Schultz.

And I would get a suit from him every week. And I would always have to have a label inside. Even if I would get like a label to put in there. Because Lenny Clark, when he did the set that night, his jacket all. and he had a label in that. I loved that look on stage. I tried it for a year. And then I had to finally fucking give back the suits

because it wasn't working for me. But I didn't know until I tried. Was it that you didn't feel comfortable? Do you think the audience didn't like, not that they didn't believe that you wear a suit? Audience wasn't buying it. You can't put a silk hat on a pig. The audience was not fucking buying it.

And I'm okay with that. They want me to be a hooded sweatshirt, sneakers, Adidas, jeans. That all came to play later on. I used to wear work boots on stage. That don't work. I'm not a construction fucking worker. How do I find this out by trying?

Trying. I love, I'm very lucky to get to go and do some shows with Josh Wolf every once in a while. He told me that he would do like experiments for a year. Like for a year he sat down on stage. for a year he walked around for a year he left it in the stand and like it like so it's

to me it's so scary to test things out like that because I feel like every time I do a set anywhere I'm auditioned like trying to prove that I belong there well that's the other thing I was thinking about that

and I'm sorry to interrupt you but let's say you're a feature act let's say you're an MC and you go to let's just make up a club Joey's Steakhouse and then you go to first year as an MC. Then the second year, he really likes you and he puts you as a feature.

And then he puts you in there again as a feature. Now you're in there one MC and two feature times. He pretty much likes you. You know what? On a Thursday night, on a Wednesday night, I don't know why you're not experimenting. On a Sunday night, I don't know why you're not experimenting. They already like you.

You're not going to lose your... I get the first two times you perform there. You want to be like, listen, nobody wants to eat a bag of shit. But you got to try your new stuff. And you have to, I really like, like, listen, man, I love stand-up. And I love being impressed by stand-up. I love watching a stand-up and going, fuck, fuck. And saying, I can never do that today.

I can't do that today. Tomorrow maybe in a year. So I always like to keep it fresh. You know me. You've worked with me for years. You know that I like to even move my material from set to set. Even if it's just a material change, because that was throwing off.

How many fucking people come to the early show and the late show? How many fucking times right show in Chicago and then the dumb agent would book me like in Toledo, Ohio, the same fucking audience four hours away. Now they're telling me, I went to see you in Chicago, and I'm like, God damn it! I got to come up with material out of my ass because I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck if it's one day or six months ago. If you see me within a year, I should have new material. When I come to your town once a year every 18 months, I should have a new 45 minutes. There should not be a joke, heard. There should not be something. many fucking things.

But the crazy thing with you God, bro. Was even way before I started Sandip, when like back with either you were the priest, the first thing that we did, the first CD that we did, everyone else when they're recording a CD or a special

does, they might move around the order a little bit, they might change a word here or there. You never did the same joke the same way. It blew my mind, and it would annoying me because I was trying to edit it between it. But like you, I don't even know.

To this day, I don't know how you did that. Well, it was 20 years, Lee. It's 20 years. At the end of 20 years, if you don't have a complete grasp on this art, you didn't work this fucking art. Okay? If you don't have a complete grasp of it. Somebody told me that's great that you're doing comedy 10 years.

Come see me when you're doing comedy 20 years. And I got to be honest with you, they were right. I saw a lot of improvement, a lot of confidence, a lot of, remember I told you that towards the before the pandemic, that last year before the pandemic, I was learning things. I was going on stage and doing something and going, where the fuck did I get that from? Not to you or anybody else, to myself. And for some reason, my mind would take me to a specific night where I was in Montana or or Salt Lake City doing a triple run

or doing some club. Who the fuck knows? But I would say, wow, thank God I did that that night because I would have never done it to... Like, it's just crazy. You just improve. But you've got to give it a fucking chance. And now with Instagram and Twitter and all this shit,

it makes the comedian take 50% of this time to work on that. when he should just be focused on the stand-up part of it for the first five of four years. I would. I would because I know I'm just pissing somebody off on Instagram with my stupid fucking jokes. Right. And you know what?

That's, there's been a lot of talk. And it doesn't even matter about the specific comic, but there's been a lot of talk about how much of your act is coming from truth and how much of it is made up. Do you have any opinion on being able to, you know, not fabricate, but make things funny and change what happened? Let me give you a word story here that I always thought about,

I was very scared of always doing this joke. I was petrified of doing this joke, and when I would do it, I would go, fuck, I'm done after tonight. I'm going to wake up on Monday and there's going to be a notice that my daughter is going to be three police officers with an animal control animal, you know, because people will just believe anything. I had a joke that I did coke with my cat. Okay, yeah. The story of the matter was, let's get down to basics. One night I came home, fucked up on Coke or I was getting coked up there.

and the cat came over to me and anybody who's done cocaine, you're lonely. So I kind of started talking to the cat, you know, like, what do you think? And I caught myself and I'm going, am I fucking retarded? He had a whole conversation. Like, I thought that he was talking back to me.

Like, not like with his words, like, hey, you're a fucking idiot, but helipathically. Just, again, in my cocaine-derived mind in 2001 or 2002. And one night, I was really fucked up. And he came out to sit with me. He wouldn't sit with me.

He'd sit right here by the computer. And I'd be on the computer, make him believe I wasn't coked out. But I really was. Just so the fucking guy in the circle there that's watching me, wouldn't see me doing coke. I would hide from the little circle. Remember the camera? Yeah.

Yeah. And I gave him one another, I took a Coke Rock and he sniffed it. Like his nose, the Coke Rock wouldn't have fit in his fucking nose. So I put it in the middle and he just like sniffed it and he went away. That was it. That's the true story. What did I turn it into? Yeah, I love that.

For two weeks. I gave him a line. So I turned a three-minute story into a 20-furt. five minute story. It was 80% fabricated. But that's what made it funny. Everybody knew I wasn't doing Coke with my cat. But I knew

eventually there'd be some motherfucker that would go, dog. That was the most uncomfortable position I've ever been in. And I would talk about getting paranoid with him, that we look out windows together. It's something that happened and I took it to the next level of

fabrication. But everybody, You know what I'm saying? When I told the hooker story, when I told the hooker story, that was a real story. The fabrications were exaggerations of what we were doing. Like when we had a fist fight in the car and we threw punches at each other for 10 minutes.

That's a lie. That's a plain out lie. We probably threw two smacks at each other and everybody was yelling and screaming because everybody was nervous. A black chick in a car with a wigs swinging a fucking straight razor That's never a good fucking look right there

You know what I'm saying? But do you view it as a lie? Huh? Like that word, I don't view it as a lie It's not a speech It's a, we're trying to make people laugh A lie to me seems Like

Very negative Like we're doing something to I don't know, I don't view it as a lie I never told a joke that was completely fabricated. Like, I was in the city one day trying to get some weed. And I, you know, I was here.

I was in New York City. I wasn't living here. I was passing through. And I landed in Port Authority. And I checked my bags at, like, one of those lockers. And I put the A-Train up to Harlem, and I went looking for weed, and I couldn't find it. And the next thing, you know, I went to get the A-Train back.

And when I went downstairs, I saw a crack hole. I was on the phone with Josh Wolf and he'll tell you that the girl came up to me and she's like, for $3 in the lighter, I'll suck your dick. And I'm like, Josh, did you hear that? I did a whole bit on that years later that, you know,

and it was basically for $3 in the lighter, I'll suck your dick. And I go, hold on. And this is the true story. I go, how about a dollar in the book of matches? Go fuck yourself, you. fat, stinky, motherfucker. I'm like, fuck you, bitch. And she walked away, and she came back, and she goes,

okay, $2. I mean, it was, it was just something that, it was, and at the end, that, what do you think? I'm going to go into a fucking cave with it, or something like dick. You're crazy for $2. Listen, it's like getting the fucking

auto house steak for $2. You're eating somebody's fucking bops them. You know, what's a $2 blow job at a train station? going to be like purple until next fucking whatever, Rosh Hashanah.

You can't even go to grandmas to eat the fucking because your dick is purple. You know, it's a $2 blowjob. I was never going to go into that. I don't think the joke took me to that she sucked my dick. It was like we got into an argument. She had a black eye which she did.

And that was the truth. I said, well, you smoke crack. And she goes, no, I fell down or something. I forget what the whole thing was. But that was something that happened, that I turned into something else. And you don't, because I don't feel like, I don't know, I don't feel like the most, they had a whole article about someone and I just don't, I don't know, I don't feel like it's a negative thing.

I don't feel like we're going out there telling our life story. Like it's, it would be crazy. Like that's, I don't know, I don't, do you feel like your life is, maybe your life is funnier the most, I just feel like, you know, you take, that's what like learning how to make things funny is. So that's why I think storytelling is so hard. I'm not good at it right now. Right now. It's so hard. It's so much different.

Yeah. Because yeah, you're looking at it different. I did too. I didn't discover storytelling until 1999. I was nine years into comedy. And I moved to L.A. the vagina monologues was big so I wanted to do something to compete with it

and I called it the testicle testaments and years later you and I revisit them with stories the testicle testament was a story where you found out you had balls. Not that you fucked the neighbor, not that you beat up Nikki from the corner, a different situation. Hold on, we'll leave it in that. I got to

give a word out to my sponsors this week before the fucking game starts. They get their action in. All right. Give me two minutes. I'll be right back. And now for a word from our sponsors. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here to keep you posted up on Draft King Sportsbook. The NFL action is in full effect. College football is in full effect.

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Anyway, we were talking about fucking telling the story and that's all stand-up is. Stand-up is whatever you want it to be. It's an art. It could be storytelling. It could be one-liners. Basically, it's how your world collides with the rest of the world.

When I told the story about punching a fucking nun in the head, who would ever think of attacking a fucking nun? That collides with people's inner. That's what you're doing. You're colliding with their inner structure. This motherfucker went out of none when he was 10 years old. What the fuck? That's what it is.

Was the nun story of lie? Not at all. Was it exaggerated in parts? Absolutely. Absolutely. That's what makes it funny. And if people don't understand that, who gives a fuck? That's what the problem is with stand-up today.

You got too many chiefs and not enough Indians. There's too many people laying claims on people's sets and they're looking and who the fuck are you? Right. It's not even lasted as a fucking stand-up for a year. Let me see your fucking tapes on stand-up. You know, that's why I joined Jiu-Jitsu because I was really pissed off

when I would watch UFC or listen to MMA fighting coverage. These people putting these fighters down, but they've never done the training. I'm horrible at Jiu-Jitsu, horrible. But I go because, so I understand. understand what these guys go through. It's always people who want to put this shit down that don't go through that

at some level. I don't know what it is to fucking sleep in a bus. Or, you know, they can't understand. You got on the trailways bus to do a free set two hours away. There's some people that'll never understand that. But they'll dress up a fucking pygmy and go to a Raider game and then jump up and down, like a fucking go-gooots. So we all have our different fucking false league. Oh, absolutely.

But that, that's been, because you've always, for years, have equated stand-up to, like, fighting. Like, you can see parallels. I was trying to think, because we're, I've been watching a lot of football. We've been talking about football. To me, like, I always hear, like, you know, defense wins championships. You can't do, we can't be a good team without defense. Is there something like that relates to that to stand-up? Is there one part of stand-up that you think is, like, if you don't have this, you're not going to be a good stand-up?

up. Well, the number one thing about a stand-up is insight and how he looks at things. The difference on how he could thwart the thought, like George Carlin was fucking the king of that. He could look at something, Anthony Jesulnick. You know, there's so many guys that have an eye. I was watching some Mitch Hedberg about a week ago. Oh, my God. He was talking about something fucking simple. And he broke it down to the common denominator. And when I watch Mitch Hedberg, I realize how

lazy we've become a stand-up comics. Because Mitch Hedberg, wrote a fucking hell of a joke, bitch. Mitch Hedberg wrote a hell of a fucking joke. And a hell of a bit, and there was just something about it. I just saw one of his sets on Instagram.

Maybe a couple days ago. I don't know. And it was fucking brilliant, you know, and listen, storytelling, and I'm the first one to tell you, this storytelling, speaking to the audience, and I know some people are going to disagree with me, but it's, you're going away from the stand-up routine. I was raised at the stand-up routine

as a set-up punchline, and you can have that in storytelling. How do I know? Because I did it in storytelling. But at first, I just want you to grasp set-up punchlines. that's the most important thing to grasp and you know let your mind go wherever the fuck it goes

you saw dunk it on stage with a fucking dumb with a dummy singing fucking wish you were here you know let it go who gives the fuck what they think it's what you fucking think that's what stand up is is how your world collides with everybody else's

fucking world that's why people say to you, I can't believe you're driving four fucking hours to pick up $50 they don't see it that way. You do. You see something to it. But then again, you don't see

the profit in the selling Lamb Way and knocking on doors and telling people how I have an iron for sale. That guy probably does that for a living. So never, just would stand up, listen, man. I wasn't the best writer in the world. I told you last week, it was

all energy with me. I knew how to throw my voice. I knew how to command you with my voice. I know how the word is in command. It's controlled by different levels of your voice and different pitches. You know, these are things that I had to use. You know, some people use steroids. You know, some people use this. The more sets you do, you found out how you could take advantage of every situation. from the marijuana use you know I want you to not smoke dope and go on stage right now

not you you could do whatever the fuck you want but these guys one to three focus on the stand-up focus on the stand-up and just write I want you to you know well Joey people say that if I do current affairs current events

the joke only lasts for a week yeah but you don't understand you're writing it's an exercise. It's a fucking great exercise. You know, it's funny. The other night when you called me and we're talking about me about your set on Saturday night,

I thought about one night when I was at the improv and I was showcasing for APA. Okay. And I was at home all afternoon, just writing notes with no shirt on, smoking cigarettes. I was fucking just trying to write jokes.

I'm trying to write all these fucking Mitch Headberg type jokes, which I would never was. But also, it's eyewitness news. And you know in L.A., they give you eyewitness news, and they go to, in Lohambra, and I swear to God,

these are the first two stories. In Lohambra, a kid gets stuck in a sewer, and they go to Lohmra, and the little fat Mexican kid is stuck in the sewer. You know, and his parents are begging to come out. He's stuck. All you can see is his little head, and the fire department's rubbing butter on him

and pulling him out of that. And he's like, ah, ah, ah, ah. And I don't know what happened. And they go, we're going to another story in Hawaiianville. You know, down there, we're all the, not the Hawaiians are. You know, Tuatapu, the quarterback from the fucking Miami Dolphins. Where is he from? Hawaii, isn't he from Hawaii?

Right. They have a, it's where my man, God rest of the soul, the quarterback from Colorado. Samoa. Oceanside. I'm sorry. No, the guy that died in the 90s that he got the coach's daughter pregnant. Anyway, I don't know that one.

Yeah, you guys don't know, Dick, relax. Fucking, he's a motion. So, what are we fucking talking about? Now the edible is starting to kick in. It was the second news story. Right, so the second news story would be going live to Oceanside and they show a Samoan guy and a Samoan girl arguing on the street. and she's holding on to a truck, right?

Okay. All of a sudden, you see the little someone, because the Samoan chick was bigger than the Samoan guy. This is one of those fucking rare situations. They were dating. And all of some, they show the Samoan guy haul off and punch the Samoan chick in the face. And she basically goes down like a weeble's wobble,

bangs her head, and pops back up to her feet. And that instant, the guy got in her truck and started taking off. And you see her chasing in. him down the street. A sandal had broken off and she had one sandal on. Her feet were like mine big, dry and ugly with

missing toenails and shit and she's running and chasing the truck. And also you see a dive into the truck and he speeds up and she misses. Oh no. And you see her get like torn up. He's like taking off peepie talking about Hawaiian music and

Don Ho and shit. So I go to this fucking APA thing an hour later, two hours later, and I get up on stage, and I thought I had two great jokes, and I threw out my first two jokes, and guess what happened? Dick, that's what happened. I didn't get even a peep. And something made me stomp, and I said,

anybody wants the news tonight? Anybody see that fat little kid get stuck in the sewer? And I just went with it. What the fuck was he doing the sewer? Looking for a fucking burrito, you fat fuck. Get home. do your homework. I just ran with it. And then I went into the Oceanside thing.

I didn't even know what I was talking to. But it was a seven-minute showcase. So I killed five minutes with those two jokes. And then I threw my closer in. Walla. But the bad news was APA never signed me. You know what I'm saying? Did they like that stuff right off the cuff, though?

The audience liked it. The audience, I really did. I'll never forget those two because, and after that I start watching the news, but the jokes weren't any good after that. It was just that particular two stories, you know? That's great. That's really, it's, you know what I mean?

I really appreciate, I love being your friend, but like it's one of the most frustrating parts about comedies. I feel like most comics at my level don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. They do. So I love just being able to throw this stuff out there. They do. And I like that you call me after your shows

while it's still fresh on your mind because it gives me a couple days to think about an answer for you. But I swear to God, when you were telling me that story, that's all I thought about was fucking the fat Mexican. A little Mexican kid

that got stuck in the sewer pool bastard. I wonder what they are today. He's probably got a bunch of tattoos in place of where he fucking sewer boy. Oh, he probably does cameos. I was a sewer boy in So let's talk about football

For this week coming up my friend So listen I got the only bet I've ever won I beat you in Kansas City Jaguars I'm fucking I'm happy about that one I saw this Congratulations Cogsuckett

Only one I'm going to have all seasons Don't get too crazy Remember when you go to draft kings You got a motherfucking profit boost Right now you got the Saints And Carolina at three a piece The line is still Cleveland Two and a half

over the Steelers. Who do you like there in the second game? Fuck nut. I'm going to go with Cleveland because I feel like Pittsburgh. And I actually have... Do I Pittsburgh? No, but I think Cleveland's going to be Pittsburgh.

I think Cleveland's pretty good. They got that good. They got Mitch Chubb on defense. Okay. Now, Thursday night, you got the Giants against the 49ers in San Francisco. San Francisco is given

10-5 points to the poor Giants. they had a great game in Arizona what do you like that Tarzan I think that one to me is going to be San I think San Francisco I mean is going to just destroy him I don't think it's going to be close

but that's see that the stuff with the points there freaks me out like I looked at that one I'm like 10 plus a lot of fucking points I think San Francisco's going to kill him but you don't make any money betting just San Francisco will win

because San Francisco win was like minus you know, 1,200 or something last time. I don't even know what. If you bet the Giants getting $25, you only win 47. So if you bet fucking San Francisco and you bet 25 on them, you win 47. With this, you win either or. If I take the money line on San Francisco, I win $4.54 if they win. Right. That's nothing.

With football, the thing I like about draftings is the more legs you had, the more money you win. So for a guy like me, like last night, I didn't do it yesterday because I was, I did something else yesterday afternoon. I would always bet Chiquan to score. He scored two yesterday, but I didn't bet anything. So when I bet the Giants, I would usually bet Chiquan get a profit boost. That's what I like the most. Tonight you get a 50% profit boost for any Monday night game. so that means if I opt in

to the profit boost at draft kings tonight and they don't have these all the time and that's why I tell people you got to get jump on top of these cock suckers so before was now if I what the fuck where's my draft boost did but those things they got me last night with that I had Tyree kill 75 yards or more and they gave me like a 100% profit boost

and he had 40 yards The only good thing the Patriots did last night. Okay, so with the profit boost, I make $48 if I bet Pittsburgh. And with the profit boost, ooh, hold on. This is a good profit boost. I get $5760. So it just went up on a $25 bet. So if I take Cleveland Browns minus two and a half,

I get a 50% profit boost, maximum 100% wager. How are you going to act if your fucking rims don't are clean? Anyway, you got the Giants in San Francisco. You also got Buffalo at Washington. Buffalo is destroying him again. Plus six and a half. You got Jacksonville playing the Houston Texans in Jacksonville. Yeah, that one.

There's a lot of like one-sided ones next week, I think. Yeah, you got Miami. playing the Broncos in Miami, their first home game of the season, given six and a half, that'll probably go up to seven. This is a phenomenal game next week. Indianapolis Colts against the Baltimore Ravens

in Baltimore. Baltimore, given seven and a half. Detroit's playing Atlanta in Detroit, given three and a half. I'm going to go with Detroit on that game. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I'll pause you for one second.

Oh, go ahead. That. For the Colts, in the Baltimore. See, that one I think Baltimore should win, but when I checked before, the over under was 44. Yeah.

And I think it's going to go, oh, because I look, so this is when I, and I don't know if I'm overthinking it. The Colts have allowed 31 and 20 points. Yeah,

you're overthinking it. You don't think it's going to be over 44? Don't work for it. Yeah, but let the line, it's only Monday. Let the line breathe for a couple days, and let's see where it goes.

before you start making selections on an open-up because that could shift three points. Something could happen there in the three points. So, yeah, listen, man, Ravens could throw up some points. And Indianapolis Colts got a new quarterback. This is pointing at it over and under. You're like, well, we have, shouldn't it go over?

You never see a bookie with a part-time job. Next. New England Patriots in Horrorland. And the Jets are, look at this. New England's given three points. We had, because, and I feel so bad for whatever his name is, the new the Jets quarterback, but we, we just destroy him. I think we're going to win this game, but if we lose to the Jets,

if the Patriots lose to the Jets, Bill Belichick should have to retire. That would be embarrassing. I was watching him last night, and I'm like, with all the great things he's done, it's time for somebody to tap him on the shoulder and say it's time to go. I don't know how many rings. You've done so many great things.

You've got a team that it's going to... You don't have enough time to turn them around. No. He's got to start all fucking new again with these guys. He's too old. He's done what he had to do. He has nothing to prove for the people of Boston or New England or anybody.

So who gives a fuck? Anyway, you got the charges playing the Minnesota Vikings. I don't know. I don't like these two teams. Cleveland Browns are playing the Titans minus four. Let's see what happens tonight. Arizona is playing the Cowboys in Arizona. Arizona's plus 12 points.

Kansas City is playing Chicago at home. Kansas City is minus the 13. I like that bet. Pittsburgh is giving one to the Raiders. And next Monday night You got What is this shit? Two fucking games again

These people getting fucking creepy Philadelphia is Tampa Bay And the Rams against Cincinnati That's a great game in Cincinnati I think my boy is hurt What's the matter? Joe Burrow, yeah Huh?

Joe Burrow is hurt, yeah And Major League I've been doing okay This is what I like about here, man. Let me see, the Mets and Marlins are tied up Cincinnati's winning. You know I got them tonight with the profit boost and I also got Philadelphia

over Atlanta and Atlanta. It's the third inning. If you know anything about Atlanta, they come back fucking every game. You bet that money line. Right now Atlanta's losing by two. If you put a $25 dollar ball, now that they're not taking fucking money line, because I decided

to hit the fucking board. I think I'm Lisa. Yeah. There you go. Boom. So if I take the money line right now for Atlanta, if I bet 25 hours on the Atlanta Braves right now in the third inning. You get back 77.50. Are they losing?

Yeah. But in the third inning, they're losing to Philadelphia. They got Phillies pitching a great guy tonight. I forget what his fucking name is. It don't matter. And, uh, but that's Monday night. I like looking at baseball because everybody's betting football.

Listen, it doesn't, it doesn't mean you're a big shot. If you know who's going to win New Orleans or Carolina, it doesn't make you a big shot if you know who's going to win Cleveland, Pittsburgh. You know what makes you wish a big shot that you win money, whether it's $25 or $10. So tonight, all the focus in sports is on Monday night football. A guy like you, a slick little hustler, boom, you know what I'm saying? Fucking get a 50% boost on any live MLB bet tonight. what I'm going to do is this.

Right now, right in front of you, Cox Suckers. I'm going to opt into that. And I'm actually... And I'm actually going to put... Come on, Cocksucker. I'm actually going to put $25 on Atlanta. Bonus available. The bonus is...

MLB, 50% live bonus, maximum $100 wager, 50% profit boost. So now, if... If I take the small, if I take Atlanta, the money line, they win, I put $25 in to win $1.11.15. Jesus. You know, guys, this is not to be popular at the bar and tell your friends who won.

If you're going to bet, you're doing it to win fucking money, whether it's, and you're trying to double your investment. So if I put $25 down, 47 is not acceptable. It's not acceptable. I got Chinese lunch. I got bitches. I got bills to pay. I got gas.

from my fucking car. You know. So what's your favorite pick of the week there, Tarzania? If you had a bet. I think the Chargers are going to beat Minnesota. I think the Chargers are going to beat Minnesota. I think that I have a couple unders. I think the New England versus the Jets is going to go under 37.

That's what I saw it at. Right now, I understand you want to wait on it. I think that both offenses suck and we both have good defenses. and the other one I had was the Colts in Baltimore over 44. Yeah, I like that too. I like the Ravens too, kid. Yeah, the Ravens, Lamar Jackson's great, and I like the Colts and I like their new quarterback,

but they pulled him out of the game last week because he had a concussion, so they might have like their backup in. So I don't know. Those are my, those are the, because I, the other one, and you said it today, with Sequin, the anytime touchdown

Remandre Stevenson. I don't think he has a touchdown yet this year. If he does, it's not for the Patriots because I think we're going to, I think the Patriots are going to beat the Jets. If we don't, it's an embarrassment. What's with the Wii? You getting out there this week

and doing fucking practices with them? Yeah, you know, I have to. Listen, I would help them out at this point. That's how bad we've been. What do you got this week? What kind of shows you got? This Thursday, I'll be at the loft in Chickapie. It's a good, it's a good Jewish deal.

We have for 20 bucks, you get a buffet and a comedian. So I'm there on the, it changes every week. Sometimes it's chicken, sometimes it's steak, they got veggies. It's not, it's a, it's a fun deal. Mystery meat. No, no, I, I, I've never, knock on word, because I always, I always eat it. I have never gotten sick. I love going to places where there's not much else to do,

which is exactly what Chickapie is. And they're so much fun. And then next week, Friday and Saturday this week, I don't have anything right now. Friday, Thursday through Saturday, next week, I'm in Omaha with Josh Wolf. You know, right now you're doing the best thing you can with stand-up comedy. You're living on your rules, on your terms.

You've got a day job. You're not worried about fucking headshots like they, were in LA already. You're not worried about your resume. All you're worried about is getting on stage every night. And this is the best time of your life. I think for me, if I have to look back, that was the best time my life. 91 to 95 fucking getting in a car with four your friends.

And even in Seattle, Seattle was where I really learned the, I was a true open mic up there that became a feature act up there. Not in whatever. When I went up there, I was already kind of featuring 25 minutes. But going up there, that camaraderie I had with Brody and Josh and Tain and Manu and Mitch Headberg and Stanhope, it was, I'll never have that. I never had that again. So when you're driving to these gigs and you're thinking, fuck, I can't wait, take your time. Take your time.

I, and I, I, I, I, I've heard other people say, you've said it before, I have a really, and it's not even just stand up in life, I have a hard time being patient. And it's, I'm, I'm really trying, I'm really trying to enjoy it. But you know, you think I was patient, my friend. No, probably not. I'm telling you, you have, uh, no disrespect. You have Jewish neurasisms, whatever those fucking things on the, Rosis, whatever it is, where you go crazy like Felix Unger. So you don't need it.

I mean, with you, I get it. With me, I'm not going to lie to you. It was we wanted everything to be perfect. You know, you want everything to be perfect, but that's why it's stand-up comedy. It's not going to be perfect. A waitress is going to drop a glass. Audience member is going to puke. audience member is going to pass out on edibles.

We've seen that a couple of times the last 10 years you and I. You know, you experience a lot of different audiences. Don't ever blame it on the audience. Blame it on yourself. You tried to be, how many nights have you gone out there with too much ego? And you know how many nights I would kill on Tampa?

I would kill it to Miami Improv for a whole weekend. I was a feature act. People come up to me light cigarettes from me, give me cocaine. And that Sunday, when I landed in Miami, when I landed in L.A., I couldn't wait to go down to the comedy store to talk shit on how I slayed Miami. And then I'm going to go up there and do a spot and leave. You know that nine out of ten times I would die the slowest death of all fucking time.

Did you know that? And that's the God, honest fucking truth. I would just die on stage. And would it just deflate you? Or what do you think, like, fuck them? Or like, what would you think? would go, what the fuck? I just did the same set. I did the last five fucking nights. And it killed every night. Now at the comedy store, I died. You know what the answer was? I walked in there with too many big balls. I had to humble myself. So since I didn't humble myself, the comedy humbled me for me. And you get that from time to time. You know what that does to you? But all these little things are just all a part of the fucking journey. And you turn into one big scab. I'm just one big scab. Look at my

face. I got scabs. I got scabs on my elbows, scabs on my knees. I got scabs on my ball sack, but most importantly, I got all the scabs from fucking getting beat up and stand out. And one day, your body just becomes a fucking scab, and now they can't do nothing to you. The infection's gone. You're done. Now I got to go move forward. Right or wrong, the infection's gone. I got a thick scab over the cut. You know, that's what we are. As a comic, you're just going to become one large fucking scabb. of pain, of you're not funny enough, you're not tall enough, you're too old, you're too young,

you're not, for reasons, it's got nothing to do with your talent. Think about that. You saw it. Got nothing to do with your talent. They'll come to you and go, well, you're not funny because you're fat. We don't think fat people are funny. Okay. And now you've got to go home eat the sandwich and come back even fucking stronger

and light their little mom and pop shop on fire. Yeah, it's, and I appreciate it. it and I know you're right but you're right I want everything not only do I want to be perfect but I want I just sit

sometimes on like the drive home from shows and I just imagine what it's going to be like I know this doesn't mean anything but to have someone booking shows for me to have like just someone who can call me and have like a full calendar like next we're

10 years away I know I am and that kills me. And I'm not even talking about headlining. And guess what? When you have that person, you're still going to have to book your own gigs. How's that for you? Because they're going to call you with some crazy office

and then you've got to tame them off the roof and go, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is what fucking Lee Syed is doing. So don't worry about that. Right now, just worry about fucking writing, having a great time and do something I never did when I walked into a comedy club. What's that?

What's that? What's something I never did? Walk in, stop at the door. I don't give a fuck if they look at you or not. Look around the room. And this is for you and every other young comic that's getting into comedy, or you're in the three-year mark or the four-year mark,

or even the five- or six-year mark. I'm going to give you the best advice that nobody ever gave me. I just did it myself. And when I found out about this, it changed everything. You're going to walk into a comedy club, close the door like a gentleman,

look, some people are going to look at it, you're going to wave, but before you bust that next move, you know how you stand there and you look and you go, hey, Timmy, hey, Marty, hey, Johnny, hey, Joey, when you see that person before you move, I want you to breathe, take a pause, and go, no matter what happens tonight, no matter what happens tonight,

it doesn't matter because at the end, they're all going to suck my dick. And that's the attitude. Whether you have a great set, whether you got a standing ovation, whether you bomb, all you know is whatever happens tonight. You'll be here tomorrow night too, and the night after that.

And no matter what happens, all these motherfuckers, they're looking to put you down. Oh, he did a stolen joke. You know, there's all. I heard Ryan Philippe do that joke and fucking whatever. After all that bullshit and all the years, you're not an amateur, somebody gave you $5, you can't enter the contest.

It's that you're scaring people. But all that shit happens is that you're starting to scare people. You're going outside the normal circle. And that's a complete education that we'll get to another time. But from now on, do what I didn't do. Do what I did years later, and I wish I would have done it from day one. Walk in, breathe, Jim Morrison, take a look around, say which way the wind blow.

with a little girl with a... Not forget it. Just take a look around and which way the wind blow. Notice whoever you have to meet. Hey, how are? And right there.

And the mind before your body's stepping forward. That motion that we do, right there. No matter what happens tonight, doesn't matter. Because eventually all these motherfuckers are going to be sucking my dick. I see you next week, cock-sucker,

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