The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Episode #4 - Old school laughs and untold stories

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

This week, on The Check In Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt bring the podcast back to its roots. We laugh, Joey tells us about a new way he has to mess with people, tells us a story he has never told before and much more. Thank you for Checking in with us. This podcast is brought to you by: Try Blue Chew for free, just pay $5 shipping. Visit https://www.bluechew.com and use promo code JOEY Support the show and get 55% off your Babbel subscription at https://www.babbel.com/JOEY New customers can bet $5 and get $200 instantly in bonus bets on DraftKings Sportsbook. Download the app and sign up with code JOEY This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self.

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Welcome back to Chicago. What's the story? Stop wagling, all right? You can never tell. I'll never stop. The Jews don't get me to stop. You know what I'm saying? Yom Kippur to all the brothers in the struggle.

Like I've said for years. is don't sleep on the Jews. I'll leave it at that. What's happening? Jews also aren't supposed to eat edibles on Yom Kippur. You don't eat shit. What do you mean it's a lie? In the Bible for the fucking Gentiles

and for the Corinthians and for the fucking But the Jews do what the fuck they want on Yom Kippur. There's only one night you don't want to do anything and that's the night the fucking ghost comes into the door because if you eat mushrooms or edibles you might fucking see them.

Oh, no, you mean Elijah? Yeah. We want him to come, but no, you can't. That's the one day you're Jews don't eat. We don't eat, you can't eat. You're not supposed to have edibles. Leave me alone. Let me shoot him in for being like I'm about to do to you,

Cocksucker. Do you do that? Because I go up there with a girl named Nancy with one eye and a needle. You'll be fucking done. You understand me, done. Capuch. Why does she have one eye?

Because she lost it in Vietnam. I don't know. I never asked her. You ever see somebody with a missing eye? You don't ask them. I do lose your eye. That's an interesting eye patch. No.

How often do you see people with one eye? I don't think I've ever seen someone with one. A lot. I live in Georgia. Remember the time we saw one in the guy in San Diego? Oh, yeah. When the pirate and Dean Dowell has that tape. I still have it.

Hold on. I just dropped it. Let me find it. Or Joe, if you can go to my Instagram. You can go. I'll find it. I still have the clips. You farted on you.

Knock it off. How was your weekend? My weekend was pretty good, man. I didn't do shit. I didn't do shit, to be honest. I had a show on Thursday that I didn't do great at. But thank you to everyone who came out. A couple of people from the checking came out.

Listen, you can't be inviting people from the check-in. And then you- You told me to. I didn't bomb on them and shit. I didn't. I didn't. And you got a double-check that you can't fucking drop a bomb on these motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying?

You got to say time out. I got some people here from the check-in. I got to start this all over again. I don't think they'd like that. Yes, they would. Two hours into a show, but I've got to start over. Yeah. You can't start over?

Yes, you can. Who says? It's an art. Who says, it's an art. You can do whatever the fuck you want. You get on stage, you're having a rough time for two minutes. Call a time out. Listen, I got to go get my head together.

I'll be right back. Sorry about that. I didn't know what I was thinking. I don't know if I ever told this story. You remember the time that you convinced me that Chappelle was going to go before me? Like the first time I did the belly room with Eric? Oh, we fucking... You were sweating for all goddamn day.

Well, you didn't because you didn't tell me. You told me to get to the comedy store. Eric Rocha, who was on the church a bunch and very funny comic. We went and we didn't even feel comfortable going with there's a comics-only bar at the store. And I felt like an asshole. Like, I didn't want to go. I wasn't going to just walk in there. So we asked somebody and they got us in.

And immediately you were with Agostino. And the first thing you did, you didn't say hi, you threw you. Remember you had those edible mints for a minute? You had edible mints. I had some edible gasoline too. What are we getting at that? You threw them in my mouth and he said, hey, you're not hosting anymore. Chappelle's going up.

He wants to do half an hour in front of you. And you, everyone in the bar was like, oh, shit. Like everyone, so you let me. burn in fucking sweat. I mean, half an hour late, we got up to the fucking bailroom and you're like, ah, he's not here. And I was so high and so nervous. I forgot Eric's name.

When I was bringing him up, I'd been doing comedy with him for two years. You convinced me that Chappelle wanted to do 30 in front of me. You got to, that's part. Bro, when you realize that comedy is all mental, you'll do a lot better. You know, for years, I put this fear in my head. I had a thousand different fears from they have white, hair, they're drinking

too much, you know. Half of them are Spanish. You know, it's half of them I grew up with. I can't do this material in front of them. And then one day I said, fuck them all. So, but let's talk about Thursday night and why you thought you didn't do well.

Because that's another part of the show that I want to talk to you about when you have a spot during the week and it doesn't go your way. Let's review it. I don't need to watch the fucking tape. Okay. By the sound of your voice and your honesty, I know where you're taking this. You know, we can't always kill every night.

Right now, you're a five-year comic. You're working on percentages. You know? I don't kill. People say I'm, I always remember you are very, and I don't want to say harden yourself. I use the word realistic when I'm talking about it. Because you've had nights that I saw you that I thought you killed and you're like,

And I haven't been doing, like, I'm not killing every night, but I went on a run there of having pretty good, like, sets I was happy with, bees, like, at least. And then on Thursday night, I just, I can blame some things about the show, like, where I went up, but the comedy club's great. I just, I didn't feel like I was in the moment. and I just felt like I was, I've been trying to do different orders. And you know what?

You ever go to a comedy movie in the theater? And if you laugh the whole time, and then you go and you try to watch it at home and it sucks. Two years later? Even whenever, it just sucks. The audience plays a big part. And for me, when I start off not great, it tends, like I can sometimes dig myself.

out of it, but if, like, the audience isn't into it, I just feel like I'm not really present or flowing. I've been there. I loved, you know, for a long time like you, I struggled, you know, once you, the first three jokes bomb, they ain't no

coming back. You know what I'm saying? Once you're, once you're 0, and 2, we're done at that level, you know? It's just the way to ball bounces, you know? You're 0.2. He's through two fucking perfect. strikes down your throat. One of the chances of you coming up with anything else,

you know, and maybe you didn't see the pitch, maybe you weren't focused, you know. I was the king of bombing. It got to a point where I embraced it because I knew this would pass. What do you mean you embraced it? Listen, man, when you're shit, you're shit.

I'm not going to become something overnight after one set that I'm not. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just not going to, So I kind of embraced it being there for a while. And when I would have a good set, it would feel that much better. Oh, it feels great. And I still, guys, you know, like I told you a thousand times,

I bombed in bars, I bombed on one-nighters in different states. And I bombed at the place where it really mattered. I bombed horribly at the improv, horribly on a Monday night and front of everybody and I bombed miserably at the store and once you come back from that bombing ain't that bad it's like going to jiu-jitsu and getting tapped but they also I want you to attack you know I don't ever want you to live in that bomb that's the most important thing is living in that bomb three years from now when you're at a theater nobody's going to remember that bomb by bomb fucking bong you know what's

on my mind, bomb, you know. So don't always remember. Don't fucking matter. I'm telling you this 30 years in, those bombings, the first 10 years, you know, it's like a football team when they first get together. And for four years, they just suck.

They're 0 and 11, 2 and 1, 2 and 9, you know, 5 and whatever the fuck mathematical equation is. And then one year they just come out. and they come out fucking throwing heat. That's comedy. But sometimes they'll lose. When San Francisco 49 is in the heyday,

they could win 18 fucking touchdowns, 18 Super Bowls, but they couldn't beat the New Orleans Saints. What does it feel like? Do you feel any different to like, imagine you were headlining a theater. If you bomb one of those shows. Horrible.

Is it worse? Or is it just One of the worst things I did the last five years Was that night I bombed in New Orleans That and that fucking picture hangs in my bathroom So every time I pee Well, I got a poop I look up on the wall and I go yeah

New Orleans fucking tremendous It's a great picture the House of Blues gave me But till this day I just didn't like how I performed I remember I got better after that Like you know you learn from every bombing At every level He got an email from a comic And he said that

We spoke a lot about bombing And he said he went to the comedy Mothership last night That last weekend he's seen the bomb of bombs It was like somebody big You know And he didn't mean it in a jockey way He wasn't putting the guy down

He was just asking me Like how do you recover from that You know, it's a hot club It's sold out And everybody just watched you fucking bomb at Joe Rogan's club you know and I told him the comic is a fucking professional

you know fucking Aaron Judge won't hit a home run for two weeks then he pulls three of him out of his ass and you forget about those two weeks right that's I don't know if you can relate to this where I am right now and like I'll have a weekend

sometimes and then what would be like eight weeks until weekend if I bombed the last show or really anytime I bomb like I'll run to an open mind I'll run, I have to get to another spot. And like it kills me if I have like a few weeks until another real show. No, that's the right attitude. You're not going to not get on stage because you bomb one night.

If you got, if you bomb on a fucking Tuesday night, I hope you wake up looking for an open mic. I hope you find an Irish ball that'll fucking, you know, I hope you find an Irish bar that doesn't open. at 8 a.m. or you're something wonderful. In 8 a.m. open, yeah, no, it...

I don't know how I was to compare it. Like, it's just... I feel like I have, like, shit on me. Like, literal shit. Well, if I don't get a decent set in after a bomb. At least something. Yeah, I have to...

You know, even early on, I would go home, and depending on what level or what year I was in, you know, there were some nights that I cried after bombing. You know, there was some nights that I went home and wrote the set out. There were some nights, I'm not going to lie to you, I went home and blamed it on the audience. Like, that's what a chump comic does.

A chump comic, well, he had a fucking Mickey Mouse sound system. Well, after the first minute, you fucking drop the mic and yell over him. You know, I'm deaf. Nothing sucks than going to a show. and I can't hear the comic or something else. So, you know, if you know the whole room has that problem, drop the mic and get on a fucking table. I don't give a fuck what it takes.

But you have to look at it that way. You know, if you bomb on a Tuesday night and you're not at an 1130 matinee of the expendables for fucking doing 10 minutes in front of those jimokes, you got a problem. That's where the problem lies. you're not going to be a good comic because you're scared of getting back on the horse. That's it.

You just go back there that day and you're going to bomb again at that movie theater. And that's what we could get better because you had the balls to go down there and bomb. Do you think they'd arrest you? I never told nobody this. I did comedy for about a year, you know.

And I thought I was Joey Bananas. You know, I didn't know what it took to be a comic. I thought you got on stage four or five times and people liked you. cigarettes and whatnot. And that was like a, you know, when I started comedy, the first three years, there were still a lot of national contest,

Lee. Oh, yeah. Very good. Johnny Walker Black had one. HBO had one in Las Vegas. That you got invited to by sending a tape. And then you did the top five comics, did spots in front of fucking agencies. You know, I actually won the Beck's

Broca joker fucking competition in Boulder in 91. There were a lot of fucking contest. And I'll never forget that there was one like on a Thursday morning at Comedy Works in Denver. I had been on stage maybe

seven times. You know? And I already, you know, I was already on the phone with fucking Seinfeld, you know. What are you things? And I go down to this thing bright and early. I stand online. There's about 30 comics.

I know like maybe four of them, five of them at that time. That's how much of an open mic where I was. I didn't say a word. But I never forget that I saw a bunch of guys with NBC shirts and HBO shirts and Zanis Comedy Club and, you know, like big comedy clubs in New York.

I forget. It was a, it was 30. fucking years ago. And I remember how I got intimidated. How I got intimidated. And I went down, I signed my name, I sat there, I watched like the first 10 comics.

I was like number 82. You know. And I think you only had three minutes. Right, of course. And I never forget at one point I just walked out of there. Really? I ran to the bus and I was so ashamed of myself. I never said that story before.

I just thought about it about a month ago. How ashamed that was of myself. I had to walk back to the bus station and get on the bus. And that was the longest bus ride in my fucking life, gee. Let's back up, though, for a second. So you, before you saw, like, when you were on your way down there, before you saw the line, were you confident? Yeah.

I was probably high from the night before. You know, and I thought I was going to go down there and spank them all, you know. And you think Just seeing the other comics Like you The fact that they had done other rooms Like I said I only knew like five or six of the other comics

You know I was at the time I was a Boulder comic And I did the broker on Tuesday night So I never went into the comedy works on Tuesday So I only did one nighters When Jimmy a beta Would call me or somebody I'd go to fucking

South Denver some taco place or something like that. So I didn't really know a lot of people. So nobody ever said a word to me about it, guy. But I always remembered. And I remember how shitty I felt.

Not that I was going to win, that I left. Yeah. That was a horrible feeling for a savage like myself. So after that, I looked at it a little differently, you know? And I think a lot of young comics should look at it that way. Get on stage.

as much as you can. It was very frustrating to me when I heard stories about guys like you that were doing 30, 35 sets a month living in Boston. And you know me, Lee, I'm a hustler, and here I am doing 16 sets in Denver.

Right. That's to the max, you know? So... I mean, you always had a good work. I'm surprised. Was that the only time you bailed on a set? Yeah, probably. That wasn't a set, though.

That was a contest. Okay. What's the difference? I don't know. You're doing a set in front of a bunch of people. Right. That are looking at you from a subjective type of manner. Okay.

And that's a weird thing for a comic. Either a comic could do that or they can't do that. I ended up doing well on the Seattle competition in 95, that I did better than what I anticipated. And then I went to San Francisco in 98, and I quit after the third night. That was brutal. What was brutal about it?

Everything came out of your pocket, the gas, the driving, the hotels, and then you got there some night and the judges were San Francisco comics. You know, no. You know, it was just a party, and they were just milking you. And Celia Cruz was playing at the House of Blues

on a Saturday night, and I had a main room spot. Because I thought I wouldn't do well. I thought I'd get disqualified or something, and I was right. I didn't want to be there, and I just drove back to L.A. I caught Selyer Cruz,

and I caught my midnight spot at the motherfucking main room. Oh, shit. Yeah, I fucking, I don't like, I don't like contests. I've done two. I never do well. I don't want to talk about, we don't have to talk about comedy the whole time. I'm happy you brought this up with the bombing,

but we were talking about something earlier because we're both fans of cinema. Oh, yeah, uh-huh. I think that a real big connection to cinema. I remember going to your house one day and seeing all your CDs and all your movies. I mean, half of them were shitty movies. No, some of them were.

Terrible movies, but fucking, you know. I love it. I went over there, and I noticed that you were a movie buff, and you'd go to the movies a lot. And one of our similarities is we really enjoy going to the movies alone. I got no beef with that. Oh, I love it. I love it.

I got to talk to people. The least people bother me that they're cold. They're thirsty. Their fucking knees hurt. You know, all that shit. Like, it just, and now for the first time my life, I've actually achieved the, go of turning my fucking phone off.

You turn your phone the way off. When I lived in LA, I always had it on. Right. And two minutes into the movie, some fuck called you from an agency. You get up to call them. There goes 10 minutes of the movie, and then you sit down and you can't stop thinking about what they called you

about. Right. But we were talking about the fucking Stallone movie, how it made, who got this week, it made $2. Because it was $100 million to make, or something like that. So if you make a, if you got a $100 million movie, I'm just throwing a number out there.

And it makes $8 million opening weekend. That's a bomb. That's a bomb. I guess this weekend, it was the worst box office in ever. And you said something interesting because you were right. All up and down the East Coast, it was raining. This weekend was the perfect, like, it's like everyone else all, like,

everyone else who goes out and hikes and they love doing outdoor this weekend was like I would have killed it I would have killed it we discussed going to the movies you and I discussed on yeah Friday and I go I don't know what's out there and you said to equalize I said I caught it the first night right because moving back here I have three theaters close to me 15 minutes and tickets they always have two sets of shows going on at one two on the other so I always got an option, you know? And I'm just trying to take it back to see what, and I've been to the theaters, I've had a great time because all the movies I've gone to see are basically fucking empty. Even though they're wild buses, they've been fucking empty when I go there.

Yeah. And I know that when I take my daughter, it's a $50 fucking show for the popcorn. We're part of like the AMC fucking network. We get coupons and discounts. I mean, they've different lines to sign. They've eight different groups you could sign up for now. I loved AMC. I worked at AMC free. It was my favorite job.

I got free movie tickets. And they, let me ask you, why did you decide not to go? This weekend? Mm-hmm. Because there was nothing out there. Even if...

I didn't want to watch the expendable. I've never watched an expendable movie in my life. Not even close. I love every time. type of genre movie, but that didn't look appealing to me. I couldn't go for, listen, I've seen one of the greatest combo movies of all time. The Dirty Dozen, the Magnificent Seven, the original one, not the one with what's her name's fucking half a fag husband who's also only Avengers and shit.

I don't like none of that stuff. Chris Pratt? Yeah, Chris Pratt. I don't believe he's a fucking superhero. So those were good, but you didn't, what was it? of the age and the expendables, why don't you buy the expendables? And I look like

an expendable type of guy. If you see me, you're like, oh, that motherfucking moron is going to be down there with popcorn and a hot dog and his shirt off with a cat who on his chest, you know, because I know the expendable people, the guys that go have to be

like jet fans that don't get tickets like they go, fuck it. Let's go see the expendables. And instead of wearing the green shirt. They wear like no shirt with a tattoo and they yell every time Stallone's beating people up. I can't deal with that. Not right now, Doug. There's a lot of things I can't deal with right now anymore. Oh yeah. Like, anything else? I was telling Jimmy Florentine yesterday, they went to see Brett Michaels from Poison. I can't do that no more. I can't go see a guy with mascara on. He's 58 years old. Knock it off. And he's singing Sweet Home Alabama, which

burns me up even more than anything. He's like, it's a small party. Get the fuck out of here. What? What's wrong with him, Alabama? It's a Leonard Skinner song. Why is there a guy up there with mascara on singing that fucking song?

That's what I'm getting at, Lee. What about a kid? I'll tell you what else. I got, all of a sudden, about three months ago, I discovered this is between us. We're family. Of course. Only do I have a fungi toenail.

Not only do I have a fucking Burster in my ear Not only can I breathe You know the 60s had Uncle Joey hard I've been stealing father time for years Once I got 60 The warranty went to put You know, that was it

It went to puts I don't have a Volkswagen I don't have the Nazi 10 year $100,000 fucking whatever So What was I talking about? Oh I don't know

You said you have something new to tell Like that's happening to you All right, so now I discovered, because I'm a clean ear fanatic. Motherfucking, don't bother, please. Go fuck yourself, will you? I discovered, what happened here? Hold on. There you go.

There you go. These fucking miserable fucks. God damn it. I discovered one morning, first of all, this is one of my things that bother. You ever talk to somebody, and you can see a piece of wax sticking out of your ear? Uh-huh. You ever go to breakfast? and they got ax and whack.

I don't give a fuck if you got food in your teeth. I don't give a fuck if you got the sandman in your eyes. I really don't. As long as you don't hit me with a shot of bad breath and I don't see him on earwax. I used to go to breakfast at this dude and he always had like earwax sticking out. Always.

This is 1998 when I first got to L.A. He was supposed to be a big night manager, but he never cleaned his fucking ears out. That always bothered me about the guy. That's why I didn't sign with him, because he had dirty fucking ears. I don't like people who got dirty fucking ears, right? So now I'm fucking 60

and a couple months who I discovered that I have wax in the mornings in my ear. When I scratch it sometimes, I'm like, what the fuck is this? Now, I'm bad enough with that. I'm ashamed of that. So I get up in the morning now, and as I'm peeing, I'm cleaning the fucking earwax out of my ear, right? Uh-huh.

And then I discovered after about a month of that, not only going to have excessive wax in my left ear only, not my right ear, that these edibles are coming in because I can see you like an AI character. Lacks in my left ear stinks like fucking my belly button

like you used to. You ever smell a bad belly button? Oh, I smell my belly button all the time. That's how I check to see if I have COVID. See, that's a problem right there. What? That's a problem and hold on one second. Anyway, but I was trying to to get at. Is that my ear wax

on the fuck? Smells. Smells so bad. Only on the left side. The right side smell. And only that, it's even thicker. Like, it's a fucking... Like, I got to clean it out with a cute tip. And then I got to get, like, a fucking pen. I got, like, a certain pen. I got from a funeral parlor.

And it's got a certain edge. Anyway... What do you mean? Like a writing pen? Yeah. Listen, nothing cleans your ears, but in a big pen. The cap of the big pen. You can double. You can do a blast of Coke

and then clean your ears with the thing and the Coke sticks to the wax. At least you got something in the morning when you wake up. And now, we're a word from our sponsor. Hey, this episode is brought to you by better help. Listen, if anxiety has you paralyzed like it had me, it's really hard to live the life you want.

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That's BetterHelp. slash Diaz. I never talked to you about my earwax issues. I don't feel, I shouldn't put them on front street, but fuck it. You know, maybe somebody's uncle has stinky ears. I don't know. Give me some advice. You know, they have a pen, like a thing,

a cleaner with a camera in it that you can attach to your phone and you can, like, see inside your ear and clean the wax out so you don't have to, like, do it with a big pen? Let's pretend I eat a mushroom and I forget about it. And all of a sudden I get a sudden whack each of my ear and I stick that pen in there.

You don't want to be around. Let me tell you something. Those mushrooms are starting to become dangerous, by the way. They finally backfired this weekend. I had a rough fucking Sunday, but it was a good Sunday. I got up, did what I had to do around the house,

the family. And at 1 o'clock, I got to Jimmy Florentines, part of the Florentine Prime family. I got to his house a little earlier to get a good seat. And I don't know. Somewhere along the line, I ate like six pieces of a tremendous bar.

I hate when that happens. Yeah. And it got a little something on the wing, but then ABX, the makers of the Tom Segura killers. In fact, you could put this picture up that I sent you at the bag. The maker of the Tom Segura set. They gave me like a little bag of like these organic mushrooms, you know. Well, let's start from Saturday. Saturday I had

taffies, mushroom taffees. And I can't see without my glasses, right? So I look at the bag and I see 2,000 milligrams. Okay, so each piece of taffy is 2,000 milligrams. So I take a half a bite out of it. I wait a now when nothing's happening. I'm watching Colorado getting beat up by Oregon State. If you had Colorado into 30, it's still a loser.

You know what I'm saying? The worst weekend of that fucking life. I wouldn't want to be in Colorado today because there's got to be an earthquake or something coming there. They got beat up in college and forget about what happened. That dude, Sean Payton, should get fired today. Oh, my

God, I'm surprised you. That's what? That's a bomb of, like, I would quit, 70 to 20. That's crazy. That's not good. That's good. That's not good. Something's got to come from this. They got to put the hammer down. When the whip comes down, it's time, cock suckers. You can't be losing 70 to 20

on week three of the NFL. This can't be happening. Now, on the other side of that, I ate those mushrooms. First quarter, those things started backfiring. I started seeing things. So for a minute there, I saw all those touchdowns. I'm like, oh, this is part of the mushroom trip. Miami ain't scoring all those points.

And then I got out, I had to take a mushroom shit. Oh, my God. It stunk so bad. And I went into like a mushroom trance when I was in there. And I almost fell off the toilet. It was hilarious. Even Jim goes, what happened to eat in the bathroom? But the killer one, I brought it.

a whistle. What? I brought a whistle like a regular whistle that you give like, you know, when people get hit on the handle, or they see somebody getting robbed, they blow a whistle. Like, that's going to really fucking save you, right? I know what a whistle. Oh, my God. Why do you have a whistle? Oh, yeah, when you were refereeing, you're calling your daughter thing. I was refereeing it, right? So I took the whistle with me, and every time they scored, I would blow a fucking whistle, and those people were going crazy. But my friend's son was there, great kid, and every time

I blew the whistle, he wasn't used to Uncle Joey. He would elevate two inches from the fucking couch. Because I would just go, beep, beep, beep, beep. And then I'd go, beep, pee, pee, pee. It was like the Cubans at the Miami Stadium. They don't just show up with water and cheese like these fucking Gentiles.

They show up with a chicken, a conga drum, some tambourines. That's how you win a game, Jack. You must have been blowing that whistle all a goddamn day. I blew the whistle all fucking And then I don't have to blow it. It just, it comes with a, come on, though. You have a motorized whistle?

Yeah, like one that you just press. You shouldn't be allowed to have that. You know, I'm dangerous. Now I stop at lights. I see people. I blow the whistle and be gone. They got a double fucking. You know how they have those apps where, like,

it's like, whole, like, neighborhood and people in your neighborhood can write shit? I guarantee. Like someone's blowing a whistle in New Jersey. You're blowing a whistle with that people? Oh, you're what? You're blowing. What do you mean what? You're blowing whistles at people now?

I see people like waiting for the bus. I hit them with a whistle and a beep. I hit them with a double. They don't see the whistle. They don't think it's me because my hands out the window hitting the buzzer. Oh. So I'm at the window like it's a beautiful day to be alive. There's a bus over here over there.

I bang them with a whistle. up, then I hit him with a horn and I keep going. They don't know nothing. I saw a guy with a flat today in the rain. I hit him with a double whistle. I'm just trying to have a fun time. I'm an old man. I ain't got time for money.

You don't tell anybody. You don't, I think you would do this whether or not you were a comic. Like you would just, I think that's part of who you are. It's just torturing. You love it. Like that guy, I bet you're going to giggle tonight as you're going to bed thinking about the guy with the changing the tire. Oh my God, that was

tremendous. Because he was Monday morning. He was having a bad day as it was. He didn't need somebody beeping the heart of him, giving him a disco whistle. Lee, you got to find comedy wherever it comes. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes comedy is right fucking in front of you.

It's so silly how in front of you it is sometimes. But hey, Let's talk about Jack Kings and what they got to offer you this week. And I had a good weekend. Absolutely. How'd you do? Two out of three. I did well.

I picked San Diego and then over Minnesota. And I had the Patriots and the under, I think. But though I lost, we lost the over with Baltimore Indy. It went under 44, which is crazy. Saturday, I took a beat, an elite type beating. Not a beating. Because you know me, I bet it light. I don't believe the height.

I took a 50% boost from draftings on college football and then Sunday I opened up with Miami small because the line dropped from 6 and a half to 6. I also went with my team Detroit Lions. They always cover

they're like a thief in the night. They always deliver the goods. But they lost, right? Did they lose? They won. They won. They won. Oh, they won? Okay. I had Cincinnati, given Pittsburgh a run and a half. On the Lord's day after they dropped two, you got to go with them. And they came through like a fat cat. And there was something else.

And that was all. I took a beating with this one. Not a beating. Again, 25 bucks. The Jets plus the fucking three and a half. I thought New England would beat them by three and I'd win with the hook. But not this week. The Jets are just that fucking bad.

And now for a word from Drap Kings, Jack. Hey, we're back here another week of football, and Draft Kings has us covered for great offers every game. Again, new customers bet the small $5 and get $200 instantly in bonus bets for a price of a cup of coffee. That's right. You'll walk away with an instant winner.

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especially if you had Colorado last week. I sent that dude, that text I sent you with a naked woman with the big ditch. Jumping up and down. What was she saying in Israeli? San Antonio and Hebrew. She was saying, Happy New Year. Who's better than me? I sent it to every Jewish American I knew

and everybody got back to me. Thank you. One guy even wrote me what you told me, which was fucking creepy. Which is what? He wrote on there that that was a good distraction to his fasting.

Oh yeah, because you don't eat. You're not supposed to eat today. So what time? It's sundown. I think I'm almost positive the night before until sunup. Yes, it's sundown to sundown. I think.

So they're eating right now. Oh, yeah. Right now, they're throwing down like fucking savages. You've never seen so much locks. I used to go to it. There was a family that we were friends with that was Italian, but one of them converted to marry a Jewish lady. Very, very nice.

More food than I've seen in my entire life. You got shit that haven't eaten for a whole day. Oh, shit. Dude, no package. They ain't leaving nothing but silverware. Have you had, have you? Have you had Hala before? Hala?

What the bread? Mm-hmm. Yeah, not bad. I mean, I wouldn't put a meatball on it, but. People, it's like Black Friday at the end of the services. They're very, they're polite, but it's, they're moving fast. Because at the end of the last one when you can eat, they have Hala and like grape juice for kids or wine for adults. With apples and honey.

I don't eat, that's the only time of the year I eat apples. I don't eat apples. That's your problem. I know. You got to eat more apples. I've been dropping apples in the morning and at night. Tip-top, Magoo, everything comes out nice and smooth in the morning. The only thing is I can't do a bong hit and shit at the same time,

I had that superb bathroom in California where I just opened up the back door, sat down, blew a bong hit, and that missile would come out of the launch like a fucking... Bloop. Nothing. You can't cut a window into your bathroom? No. What am I got to cut a fucking special window and then fucking raccoon? moves in.

Forget about it. I got a lot of animals down there, a lot of animals, dog. What do you think about them? What's your favorite? You know, when I pet the raccoons, it's great. When I feed them, you fucking retarded. I don't know.

They're all my favorite. You don't like looking at them? I don't know. Maybe, maybe, like, I don't know, I think deer will look at. Sometimes do you see a wolf? I grew up around like wolves and shit. Like, what is?

No, coyotes. I see a fox from time to time there's a fox that lives by the little league field off the corner there. I swear to God, I used to walk there,

and I got attacked by a deer there one time, so I stopped walking up there. And then I realized why, because it was a mom and a little fucking cub, whatever they called. I'm not a hunter.

Because it was a baby deer and a big deer. I think it's a fawn, isn't it? Yeah, fawn. And that motherfucker was coming at me. And then I've seen a fox up there. Because when they I decided to walk up there to the back, instead of drive,

fuck that, I'll never do that again. That's when I saw the fox. I was like, I'm a dead man. But I see a lot of deer, a lot of beautiful looking deer. Believe it or not, there was two turkeys on my corner of the other day. If I would have had a bow and arrow, everybody would have had Thanksgiving on my block. You know what I'm saying? But there's these turkeys that come around like once a month.

Those are scary. Like those, I didn't know deer attacks, but like I've been, like, they're always. the news here. Like there's like this this year like an old lady got attacked by a turkey. Like those things are vicious. Dog, the best was about three weeks ago on Route 9 somebody, a truck

like a ton of potato chips fell off there. Like I mean, I saw them on the thing. Like it must have happened 10 minutes before I got there. It's not a bit, it's the nine, but to the side. It was one of those side streets. The guy made the left turn and he dropped the point. I went by there and

next day, it was all raccoons, not raccoons, I'm sorry, squirrels eating them. Oh, shit. They had the fucking, uh, those porkloins. You know, that's what they were eating. They were eating those. They were in pork rinds? Oh, shit. Yeah, pork rinds.

The low sugar, whatever the fuck they are. Those red ones from Wawa. I'm thinking about Wawa tonight and shit. I haven't eaten dinner yet. Oh, what's going to be your order? My order at Wawa. Yeah. Short sub.

Okay. Little one. Tuna, American cheese, red wine vinegar, oil, extra snow, salt and pepper, lettuce, tomato onions, hot peppers. I'm surprised you go with, I know, you told me this, but I'm, tuna out is, like, scary. Like, that's, I don't like it. It's scary because you're eating some dolphin. You got little meow meow soup in there. You got some eye balls in there. but this is Jersey. You serve a back tuna. It's not going to work out

for your Wawa. I mean, I told Ari the day when Ari first came to my house, he ran in here like a fucking child with 10 bags. And I go, what's going on with you? He goes, you have a Wawa. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking? I love

Wawa. The sandwiches are great. I'm like, this guy's fucking retarded. I actually had to eat my words and call him a week ago and go, you were right. I love Wawa so much, I downloaded the motherfucking app. Do you put your order in before you get there? Yep.

I would never have guessed you would do that. Do you make your wife do it or do you do it? We both do it. That's awesome. How often you go to Wawa? Once a week. Like at night, once a week for like a dinner. Like we get caught up here

with fucking a softball game or some activity. I got no beef with going to Wawa and getting a turkey sandwich. If you're not in the mood to eat, they got smoothies. I'm going to tell you one thing. The person who turned me on to Wawa was somebody I grew up with. We went to the beach two summers ago, and I said something that I was hungry.

I was going to walk, and she goes, no, I stopped at Wawa and got sandwiches. Now, I grew up with this girl. You know, she ain't going to walk on the subway or nothing. She's from the same mindset. She's my age. She goes, try this Wawa tuna center. sandwich with hot peppers and sweet peppers. I almost died, Lee, how good it was.

I was in shock. I really, really was. So if I'm going to pinch, look, I'm not going to eat the pizza from Wawa when you have what we have over here. That's a waste of fucking energy. But I've heard from people that, again, I trust. I like these people that they've gone in there to tell me how good the burritos are in Wawa. and I had another brother of mine

Tell me he loved the enchiladas But he lives in Delaware So I got to give him a pass You know they don't I remember like Steve Simone Turned me on to Wawa And it For a stoner

It's heaven It's just everything that you can do And that you can do it on the computer And you don't have to talk To talk to anybody that's like the worst part of going out when you're high sometimes but it kills me when it's sometimes the one one of the ones by your house

I don't like it's like there's a there's bad ones and I think I think they're higher it's always bad but there's the ones that have a guess smart okay so I get a little bit higher level where this one is it's a little higher level to be honest of you store is fucking spotless you know, I don't get anything. I've heard through the Gravine.

Now, I've had there in a pinch. I had a smoothie one day, and it was fucking delicious. Okay? I didn't get the whipped cream or nothing. You know, I'm trying to keep my fucking Bella Figura. But I had the, my neighbors, and their jerseys, Staten Island people,

they say they have tremendous milkshakes. Tremend. I love the milkshakes. The kids love them. The parents love them. See, I don't think you have the same rule. I love a milkshake, but I don't like doing it during the meal. So I never get them out because I don't want it to melt. I can't, I have to do it in order.

I don't know what it is. Like, as fat as I am and as many times as I went to McDonald's, I never eat fries on the way home. there's rule I can't you're a chubby guy with rules I can't do it but like me

this is why after this fucking podcast you're gonna call better help and get some help because you need help cocksucker you don't need fries when fucking McDonald's you eat everything

you get as quick as you can before you die and you can't walk away with fries or I don't think I don't know what you're talking about it's gonna melt what's gonna fuck

fucking milk. You have to, you eat it like a gentleman. You eat your burger and your fries at home and then that's why I can't get dessert. It pisses me. I can't do it. I can't have the milkshake before the burger. I don't know why. Let's get to the bottom of this shit.

I'm not going to teach fat man etiquette. Okay? First off, in your case, because you're addicted to that Diet Coke shit, which is worse than smoke and crack every night. Well, if you got a cheese, burger, let's get a quarter pounder.

Right. With cheese and a fucking order of fries, right? Absolutely. You're going to drop a motherfucking a Coke zero in there with extra ice. Of course. You might drive two ice. Okay? But like for the regular

consumer that lives in Iowa, yeah, he's going to get one of those Staminia shakes and whatever. Like me, I like my shake for dessert. Like when I was throwing shakes in the equation, I would go to a diner. Like I just started going back to a diner and I'm very happy.

I'm going back to my roots. My favorite one is a diner called a Manalapan diner. They have stolen my heart. The women who's one of the owners is from North Bergen originally. She started a diner on 6th Street in North Bergen

which I know the diner I can't remember the name of it right now. It's 815 at night. But I I go there once a week. She's got a fantastic split pea soup. A tremendous motherfucking Navy bean soup.

I love my meatloaf. It's fucking to kill for. And they just put stew on the menu. Because my wife ain't going to make a stew. You know, my daughter don't eat that shit. My wife makes a good stew, but it's going to be, we're going to eat two servings. a piece. I'd rather go over there spend a small 15

and get a nice bowl of fucking stew with six pieces of white bread and butter. You just go off. You make sure you go to the gym that day. You do your jumping jacks. You do your kettlebells and you go there and it's a treat for me. Does anyone else order stew?

What brother? Does anyone else order stew? Yeah, she does great with the stew there. It's wintertime. We've had rain for four days. I don't have to tell you that. It's been like Johnny Mook down here. I feel like people in the perfect storm. Marky Warburg and George Clooney

when they got killed up there fishing with the fucking other dude from New Jack City. It has been raining a lot. You've been loving... That's how I've been surprised you. I've been down to see you 10 times maybe. All right. Somewhere out.

We've never been to a diner. So you just started going back. I went back about three months ago. Before North Carolina, I went back. I started with a cheese omelette with home fries, wheat toast, and a nice tea with extra lemon, like a doctor. That's your test meal? No sugar.

Yeah, if you fail there, we can't hang. But I had been in there a couple times before. That's what Vic D goes for breakfast. Okay. Victor Petitetto goes there for breakfast, and I've joined them for breakfast there. You know, two eggs, sunny side, a bacon, a bowl of oatmeal. Who's better than you?

They open up at seven. but I have a good breakfast at the house so I don't go out to eat breakfast anymore I maintain a steady breakfast at the house half a piece of toast half a piece of wheat toast two eggs sunny side up and a bowl of raspberries bananas apples, apples, cantalokes, whatever

I can find I'm trying to dog you got to try that's like a breakfast one of the commercials that's like a real I'm going to finish up here with you tonight Okay. Fucking eat like two more these edibles. I'm not nothing tomorrow morning, you know.

Not that I'll sleep till fucking 10, you know. But as long as I know in my mind, I got none to tomorrow morning. Maybe I'll stay up a little late tonight. Watch something a little later. We got two games on Monday night football, Philadelphia, Tampa Bay, 715. I think 815. You got the Rams at Cincinnati. You know what, man?

last time I checked. Yom to poor, and they don't give a fuck. They got two games going on. And that's good because right now Jewish people could sit there, eat fucking hollabred, jump up and down, stew, pastrami. They can eat anything they want tonight, though, right?

No, they can't eat. I don't know if you can eat. Stu, you probably have caused your beef, you could. But, like, yeah, but you could eat. It's usually breakfast. Brisket tonight? Oh, I love brisket. With right bread, little fucking mayo. You really are Jewish. I can't do the rye bread. Come on now.

Not like fucking regular stamenca bread. There's rye bread and then there's fucking rye bread that those people make it their own delis. Yeah, that's good. Nobody would ever understand if I, when I say to them, go eat pastrami at Langers. They'll look at me and go, why would I leave

New York to eat pastrami at Lange's, Joey? Let me tell you something. The piece of bread you're going to eat the pastrami and at Langer's, never going to eat a piece of bread like that in your life. It's like a a rye Italian bread. I can't explain it to you. You know, I

cannot explain it to you. Nobody would go there to eat pastrami, but I would. I saw your boy Tom Hanks there one time getting 10 sandwiches with a bunch of foster kids. I don't even know if they were foster kids or he was taking them to Bolivia on a family trip. Why is he my boy? I don't know. I thought you liked the movie big.

I do like the movie big. All right, then. Then he's your boy, cocksucker. What do you got planned this week? Where are the open mics at, Lisa at? This week's the big week, man. This week, Thursday through Saturday, I'm in Omaha at the Funny Bone opening for Josh Wolf. That's fucking Primo number one club.

The owner there is, uh, it's not an investor. When you work comedy clubs, you're going to go to clubs with the owner as an investor. He came from a chain of restaurant. and there was a new mall opening and he figured he'd buy a funny bone or an improv or something like that. Anybody could do that. But like it kills you that you go into these clubs sometimes and this person that's judging you doesn't know anything about comedy. They've been doing comedy

they've been watching comedy for three years. They bought into comedy. You know, like I remember doing the club where the guy came from a chain of restaurants. Every time I'd go up to do 30 minutes, he would sit by the stage, stand and just look at me because he was petrified. And I had to pull him aside with him and I'd go, dog,

you got to knock it off. You know, you make it. Well, I just heard of your behavior on stage. That's what they came to see. They didn't come to see you stand there on the side like a fucking mummy. Where would he stay?

I'm telling you, Lee. he would stand on the right side. I'm sorry, I thought it was left. On the right side there. Right on the stage? Yeah, right there with his arms crossed. Like a fucking sleeping pill. I can't have that.

No. I can't have that. So we had words after the first show. Thursday, we had words again Friday. And then Saturday it was too busy. You couldn't stand there. It was too busy. I was a feature then.

But I remember like he called me back years later, you know, to go, I never stepped foot and that fucking club again. But my point is that when you do comedy and you're getting beat up at every fucking level, you know,

it's nice to work a club every once in a while that the person has been involved in comedy in some way or the other for 30 years. Their whole life has been comedy. You know, they were married,

have kids, and now this is their focus of their life. They take care of you. Like a great comedy club owner, they welcome you. When you get to your room, there's always something

for you there in Nebraska. you know, Colleen is a four-show, five-show weekend. You know, it's a great fucking club. And here's the crazy thing. When you're a young comic, like a guy from Boston, you think of Omaha, Nebraska. And you're like, what am I going to talk to there?

A piece of beef? What am I going to do there? What's going to come to my show? A butcher? Let me tell you something. People laugh harder than anywhere you go. They take the ride with you. They're dirty.

And there's nothing, no better feeling in that where the comedy club owner only comes there to watch you to see and give you confidence. And she's one of those club owners. So I'm so happy we're going there at this level of your comedy career because it's a breather. You know what, man? An idiot that played the piano in high school. And now he wants to tell you not to say the word Jew on stay. And you're like, knock it the fuck off. Take a hike around the building.

I'm a comedy podcast fan You know, we did the church for all that time I love, I listened to all of them And there's a few clubs that, like you, all of you guys talk about You talk about the store, you talked about Like Cap City, Comedy Works in Denver, Zanis, like there's a few clubs that seem to be like, clubs that like comics get excited about

And for some reason, and it just sticks in your head because you're right, it's Omaha, Nebraska, which I don't think I think I drove through once. Like, everyone talks about how cool it is. And I'm just, yeah, I'm just so excited. You know, when as a comic, you get so excited about big moves. You know, like this week I'm going to go to Vegas. I'm at the first time I went to Vegas.

I'm not going to tell you the club or the, it was a week-long club, and it was one of the biggest disappointments of my life. I can't tell you how sad I was by Thursday. And I still had fucking, you know, eight more shows left or something. All you want to do is go home.

You set up to do comedy, and next scene, I'm on an elevator getting hit by swords with little fucking kids, you know. It was, then I got to do two shows a night. They come up to you before the show and tell you got to be spotless. I got to wait for the guy to walk out of the room for me to do a fucking pussy joke or a fart joke

court. And I was like, this ain't worth it. This isn't Las Vegas to me. I thought I was going to walk out of here like fucking Dean Martin and have a great time. But I also worked there with Dice in the beginning. And I saw how it was for a guy like in his stature. When we opened for him, I go up there and like my ball sack on fire. Nobody would say two fucking words to me. You know what I'm saying? But anyway, where are you at this week, brother, man? I'm there. I'm in Omaha, a ton of the rest of the week. I'll be at open mics in Worcester. People came out to that. Other comments at the open marks were very excited to hear about it. So that's that. And then I have something October 5th in Connecticut. Okay. Well, let's not worry about it.

So next week. We're about this weekend, see how you're going to tackle it. I mean, we're going to want notes from here. Okay. On what? Monday's podcast, how you think you did. What could have been better? I mean, because this is a two-man show. Right. This is something that you only did with me years ago where you got to go up there and do 20 minutes. And I used to break your balls and go, you got to do 40 minutes tonight, very nonchalantly.

You know, Lee, you earned your strengths, brother. These motherfuckers don't know how I used to give you edibles and tell you all day you were doing 10 minutes. You and ate other comics. And then we get to the ice house and I go, everybody canceled. You got a fucking 60 minutes.

And guys, you could just see the color, leave his little Jewish cheeks. And you can see fucking steam coming out of his ears. And I would hold him to it for about 20 minutes. Nobody else is coming. Go on the back and get your material ready.

He'd be making Jewish noises, you know, the whole fucking thing. And then he'd go up there and do great. You know, 10 minutes, 12 minutes. And then I'd get off stage and I will let him go. I can't fucking believe you did that to me. I was back to the same. I wanted to get my car and go home.

that's the mark of a fucking true comic brother. And that's what I'm getting. Hey, listen, if we call each other, this is the same conversation you hear people. It's not being edited here, except, you know, I tell them about draft kings and what I bet, but besides that, you know, this is what we talk.

But you do tell me that stuff. What stuff? You call, we'll talk about sports all the time. Oh, yeah, but we talk about a lot of other things than that. Yeah. One time is really get on the phone and go deep with our topics. Like when we talk about gay people

and Eric the Fag and all that shit, you know, how he jerks off our people's feet and stuff. You know, that's the phone call they want to hear. We're both hired and fuck, and we're just dying on the phone. You know, before I said to you, he called me up and he goes,

I already took the edibles. I go, I don't know. You don't sound retarded. And we start dying of laughter. That's what the checking is all about. What do you think? Absolutely. I love it, man. Where are you tomorrow night? Tomorrow night is, I will be in two places.

I'll be at the Blackstone in Worcester, and I'll be at the Ricks in Woonsocket. You're fucking beautiful, brother. If you go to see any of Lee's shows, please say hello to him and report back to me how he did, you know, My Twitter is that mad flavor. Let me know if this motherfucker should have called an bomb alert or no, I have all the confidence in the world. You're going to do great this week, brother. That's a great place. She makes you feel at home, so it takes the fucking steam off.

You know, again, you're half neurotic, but it could be worse. I could be there torturing you. I'm way more than half neurotic, but thank you. My brother, have a great week. And let's close out the show with some sponsors. guys, love you. Thank you for checking out to check it. Checking out to check in, what am I a fucking idiot? Stay black and I'll see you in October. Bye guys. Blue Chew, listen, I love Blue Chew. Everybody loves a guy who self-assured in the bedroom

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