The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Episode #8 - Joey Diaz dosed a lifelong friend after a wake

Episode Date: October 24, 2023

You read that right. This week on The Check In Joey and Lee talk about Joey's rules for phone calls driving and more. Joey also tells Lee about doing sets at a strip club, they talk about Lee seeing Dave Chappelle's shows in Boston, Joey dosing his childhood friend after a wake and much more! This show is supported by: Support the show & get 55% off your Babbel subscription at https://www.babbel.com/JOEY   New customers can score $200 instantly in bonus bets for throwing down just $5 on the NBA. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & use code JOEY   The Check In is sponsored by BetterHelp. Support the show & get 10% off your 1st month of therapy at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ

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That's 55% off at babble. At babel. dot slash Joey. I've been telling people for years, you've got to learn two or three languages. I know like any languages, all right? I used to be a Cuban-James Bond. Anyway, babel.com slash joey. Let's get this party started, Jack. I'm out of candles.

Just to give up I thought for Joey to do it I could fucking rule the world I feel you gotta be thinking there you go you should have planned ahead there you go now you know how I feel

I called them two times the game was on fire the Philly game two times you're watching the game nothing now this is my life this is my fucking life

that's why sometimes I got to be careful when I call people because I already know They're not going to call back until I'm about to take a shit, sit and watch a game. I just went and got an Italian ice. I just sat down with the spoon. You ever get the Italian ice?

You sit down and you forget, fuck, I don't have a spoon. Now you're going to go back again and get the spoon. Come down. I put the fucking Italian ice in my pocket. I have a hood of sweatshirt you're not in my basement. I put an Italian ice in my pocket and let it melt for like eight or nine minutes. Then I take that motherfucker out, one of those old-school genomes. from ShopRite, and I scrape, I'm about to put the spoon in.

Those eight minutes, it's like waiting for a fucking judge. You're like, what the fuck am I doing with my life, those eight minutes? I got an Italian ice in my pocket. I've been supposed to open since 8 in the morning. It's 901 at night. It's miller time. Now, as soon as I sit down to watch whatever the fuck is when they want to call me back, and my phone will ring four times in a row from four different people.

Three of them I called last Tuesday, So I want to hear from them. I want to get fucking raped. You understand me? I don't want to hear them. I forgot what I even fucking called you for. That was last week. Forget about it.

You're done. It's a whole new fucking patas. Start from scratch. I legit. I legit have this written down. I have this written down, and I don't know if we're started or not. But I want to talk to you, and it doesn't be all but all of them. But about Joey Diaz's, like, like, Joey Diaz's, like,

rules or laws because you have rules that no one else has and I have telephone written down. Listen, let me talk to you this way. All right. It's not even rules. It's basic salesmanship sometimes. Like, it's just basic one or one. If I call you and I tell you my story

and I go, as soon as I hear from them, I'll call you and I don't hear from them for two weeks because I'm dealing with corporate and it's two fucking weeks. And every day you're like, I'm available today actual while either I'm going to stab myself I'm going to go down and stab you

you know what I'm saying especially when my head somewhere completely different like I'm talking I got a book thing on Wednesday night I got 20,000 things my daughter's coming home at 308 and you want to call me at 301 and

talk me you just cracked me I had another guy today as I'm getting ready to go to Jiu-Tit- Hey you want to go to a lunch on Friday at nah it's got to be after one right I go it's got to be after one I want to go to jihitsu on Friday

from 12 to 1245 and then sometimes I stay the younger guys beat me up I sit there I talk with those guys that's my fucking social that's my life I'm 60 I'm old you know what I'm saying I come home and sometimes I get home at Tully sometimes I get home at 1.30

sometimes I get home at a quarter of three I hang with those guys they're great guys So now he's like, I said to him, we'll have to do a Friday. Now it's fucking Monday. All right. My head's somewhere completely different. Friday is not even in my scheme.

The only thing I know about Friday is I got Friday night off. My daughter's going to a movie and my wife's got the draft. She's coaching basketball this year. That's all I know. So Friday night, I got off. Right. That's all I know right now. Thursday, I got something Sunday night.

No, yeah, Sunday night. I got something I'm supposed to go to. But now, the more I think about it, it doesn't look like I got to go. It's one of those things where I got to park and walk. You lost me already. Isn't that most things? Not? Isn't that most things in places?

That's the level I'm at already. I love to park and walk. And if I got a valet park, and this place is huge. That means I'm there for fucking an hour. I'm protected outside with Momo. Some of that have to be going on you, the guy from the scrum. I need this right now, Lee. I can be at home watching Sunday night football

about to watch an episode or some fucking repeat on Netflix or some shit. But the funny thing is, is like you have all these schedules and rules, but you don't tell me, like these guys are just calling you and it's just a rule that you can't break. Like, how do you teach people your rules?

Like, do you train people? I got my own personal problems. Everybody got their own personal demons. You know what I'm saying? I like to do shit a certain way. You know, everything is slowed down in my life right now. Like, people hit me up.

Do you want to do a podcast? What time? 12 o'clock in this city. You lost me. Got to be 11 o'clock, you know. Because I want to be done at fucking by 1230. So I could be on the ferry to Rudy's, get a bowl of clam chatt or a soup,

maybe some calamari. with medium sauce. And then getting that fucking I-95, whatever it is, hit the fucking parkway south. And next thing, you know, I'm passing that strip club on the right next to a Derry Queen. Only in Jersey is there a strip club next to a fucking Dairy Queen. And let me tell you something.

The girls must be spending their whole fucking day there because all of them are chubby like me. They're outside all day drinking milkshake and cigarettes. Every time I drive by, there's traffic. So I look over just to see what the girls are doing. What's the flavor of the day? One day it's a slushy. One day it's a fucking, you know,

hey, strip is like ice cream too. You know what I'm saying? Is it really like a chubby strip club or the... I don't even know. But they don't, I don't know. It's a weird strip club. I've never gone in there. I went to the one about three miles away.

It's one of my buddies that I grew up with when I first moved here, but they shut it down. Now they just reopened. Why don't they shut it down? Illegal charges. You know, these people are. You know, they're victims. And it's in a town that's very conservative.

And the strip club that my buddies had, think about if I own the strip club. And I was 60 years old, and I wasn't married, and I was still doing blow. Are you fucking kidding me? I'd be, you'd find me dead at the strip club, sweaty. I'd have, like, blood coming out of my nose, the sweat dripping all over me.

My shirt opened, some chick took my chain. That was my end. But, you know, a Jersey strip club to us, it's still 1980. Are there still partying in there? It's not the party. I think it's B-Y-O-B. That's the only way they could have stayed open or they could have been nude. Okay.

But, you know, where we grew up in the early 80s, I told you about that bar that we saw. So in our minds, if we open up a strip club, we kind of wanted to be like that. And he had a fucking, listen, in our day, It would have been a tremendous strip club. I went there. I would come back from North Bergen,

and I'd stop in there to say hello to him and his son. Fucking great family. Met some Cuban girls in there that were fucking great ladies. They were telling me about Cuba. They were going back and forth. You didn't, you know, I'd just give them a couple dollars, and they'd talk to me for 10 minutes. So what?

You know what I'm saying? People pay me to talk for me to talk shit for an hour, and they sit there, and they want to take a fucking picture. I can't give a stripper a couple, fucking old wrinkled singles with crack on them from 1982 and shit. As soon as they touch it, their fingernails disintegrate from the

fucking real ether in that shit. Anyway, what are we talking about? Jesus? About strip? Have you ever done because I was saying, I've done burlesque shows, but I've never done at a strip club. Have you ever performed at a strip club? Yes.

What is that like? Brutal. I can imagine. I think I did it twice. In Denver, there was, when I was first starting, like four years in, a new strip club had opened. It wasn't shotgun willies or any of the well-known ones. This one was like a cabaret in Denver. And when it opened, they would pay headliners 175 and features a buck and a quarter for 30 minutes in the strip club.

And they would give you a fucking steak. It was one of those type of strip clubs. It was real. I forget the name of it. I don't even know if it's stares still. This is 1995. And it was tremendous. It was a high-end dog.

I was getting 125. I was running out of there with the full 125 in those days. I was not going to sit around for a lap dance. No. Broke in those days. I was delivering fucking Chinese food to make ends meet. You know, there was no way. I would take that fucking check and run the fuck out of that.

I would take the stake to go. I think I only worked it twice. And then years later, when I got to the comedy store, some guy came up to me at the store and he goes, I'd like you to work some functions for me. Fairfax and Santa Monica. You headed down from Sunset's trip. You headed down to Santa Monica. On Fairfax, you hook a fucking right. And you go down about three blocks.

And on the left is a Mexican joint. I took you one time. They have burritos. We used to always go for chicken burritos when I first got to the store in 97. There's a 7-11. next to it and across the street there's an acting studio. Okay. Across the street from that

is still there. I think they jump up and down with fucking motorcycle suits in there now. But at this time, it was a cabaret where you gambled. You fucking gambled and you

uh... Ireland to bombardier. You gambled and you you gambled and you you gambled And you also, there was a belat show. You know, it wasn't nudity. It was a very high end.

It was like an after hours type thing. The show started like at midnight. I did it once. It wasn't for me. Listen, if you're not going to take off your clothes, why am I here? You know what I'm saying? At that time, I was single.

It was 98. I'm at the store doing powder. The gig paid $40. But we didn't go on through two in the morning, Lee. what you had to wait after the burlesque show now if you're doing cocaine playing poker do you want to see me

up there doing stupid fucking jokes of two 30 in the morning me it was like me Josh Wolf maybe Sam Tripoli and every week was somebody else and I did it like maybe once twice the reason I remember is because Sean Penn was there one night

playing poker that's the highlight of my fucking strip club career It's a tough fucking job It's like living in New York State And doing casinos on a Tuesday night You know comedy is more popular now But when in 19 and 2000

I would do casinos on Tuesday That fucking paid you cash But Lee Oh my God You felt like Jesus in front of you Before they fucking ice them You felt like you were bleeding You for your fucking life

first off there was people there and there was a guy with a stopwatch and listen I got off one time at 28 minutes this guy sat me down

for an hour and you're brutal fucking your feet all right so I look because I'm like nobody can stand there you're just talking to yourself

like a crazy man I'm dead fucking serious you know when you're an open mic micro and a beginner you're like yay I can't work to work

casino and then you go to fucking there's a casino outside of Vegas not Laughlin and not anything else this is close to the Idaho border triple buck books the two-week run in there it's the biggest moneymaker he's got they pay you like a hundred a night six nights but you have to stay for two weeks I tapped out after four nights like I got I did like Monday Tuesday Wednesday and by Thursday, I was back at the fucking underground. My dad died. I told him some story. Oh, my God.

That's when the leadership started to bail. And then about three months later, he gave me another chance. And I just bailed. And after that, we talked every once in a while, but there was no getting to it. I bailed on a Thursday morning. So I bailed a couple times. Sometimes. You just got to abandon ship.

This is not a good ship to be on. Wait. What? Like during mid-week, you were just like, no thanks. No, thanks. No, listen. I'm going to do with this. You got a fucking more kids band coming in here at 11.

I'm up there talking about putting dynamite in the chick's asshole. It's just ain't right. Somebody's losing out here. They're just sitting there staring at you. You know, they're fucking like, you know, Winochi, Washington, or something. You know, when you're doing comedy out there,

sometimes you're like, what am I doing this? You know, 10 minutes before the show, you got to be clean because they're Mormons. I got to switch up my mom. I can't even do a baking joke. I got to do a joke about having 18 mistresses and, you know, going to church. Are you fucking nuts?

So in your mind, as a young comic, you have all these. I can't wait to work in casino until they give you a full week and you see what life is all about. When you're performing for people with fucking two hoses in their nose and they got like an alert in their hand ready to go.

They're ready to go in a wheelchair. And there's some fucking nephew like, come on, grandpa, hold on. Ten more minutes and I get 20 more percent of the will. I mean, it's fucking, it's just so fucked up. Listen, one of my biggest fucking things I ever wanted to do

when I came back here in 93 was to do something at Atlantic City. Okay, it was my fucking dream, Lee. Like the hometown, yeah. Not my fucking hometown. Well, hometown in like Vegas. It's like, it's a cool venue

or a cool area. So, yeah, yeah, until you get mugged. Was it a lot of the time you went to AC. You got to leave that thing. You got to leave that building with fucking 22 armed guards. you win. Jesus.

After 9 o'clock, you see people you've never seen before. You've seen people you've never seen before. I was down there twice since I've been back here in two years. Woo! You better stay in that hotel and you better bring your own lock for the door.

You know what I'm saying? You don't trust nobody down there. And they got night hotels. They got fucking kick-ass restaurants. But I don't know. I just haven't felt safe down there. Like all day Saturday, I didn't leave my me. That's crazy. I would have thought it would have been okay.

The beach is okay. It's colder than fuck. You could smell bodies there from fucking borderwalk empire in 1942 and shit. So, I don't know. But the feeling when I stepped on stage there was superb. I opened up for Rogan.

Oh, recently, right? No, this is two years ago. Okay, yeah. Well, that's what I meant. I did seven minutes and I ran the fuck out of it, two nights in a row. Rogan just wanted to see me and I wanted to see him. So he's like, come on down. If you want to get on stage, if not I'll pay you.

I'm like, he just got the fucking Spotify. You know, he was like always great to me. And we just hung out for two days and cracked jokes. Right after Saturday night, I abandoned shit. And I talked him into leaving too. Because I asked him, what are you leaving? And he's like, I'm leaving Sunday morning. I go, time out.

what are you doing with the Spotify Guitous? People tell him you want to get out of here? 11 o'clock. He's like, that's a good idea. Boom, he was out of there at 11 o'clock. You give me 100 mil to do a gig in Atlantic City. I got a helicopter. As soon as I get on stage, you know how we do it.

Either you come, or you're going to get stuck there. So once I go like this and I look that way and I'm headed to that curtain, you're done. It's curtain's kaput. And they're trying to talk to me. Thank you. Sign the frame. Yeah, good.

B'bill! And you're down to that fucking. They take you away like, get smart. That's what I used to be not afraid. But like, I knew if I, like, we went to a club or somewhere. And I wasn't there when you were ready, like, we're ready to go. I'd be finding a new way home. Like, like, you used to aim the car out.

You used to just hit people and leave cars and, like, places where, like, definitely not supposed to leave a car. Leave the car right there. Don't worry about nothing. If they give you a ticket, tell them I'll be out of here. Go inside and get me. I got a next brace in the trunk. And like, have you left anyone before? Left what?

Left someone at a place, like if they weren't ready. Oh. Oh, you have no idea. There's a friend of mine I grew up with. And on the Judas Priest's Solar or whatever tour, we went to some theater in New York. York. We went until maybe, I forget the name of the theater. It doesn't really matter. It's not there anymore.

And one of them, my friend went, like, it was a buddy of mine came to me. He goes, she's going to the concert with another friend of mine. If you're there, can you keep the eye on them? And I said, absolutely. I reached out to them. I go, if you guys feel safer, this guy's coming, this guy's coming, we all grew up together. They got cocktails. They got fucking quailudes. We know, whatever, right? We get over to the junior. this priest, we all walk in from the orchestra together, and they're sitting close to us. They got tickets, like,

they're like in eighth row, we're like in seventh row. And I don't know what the fuck happened. Like, it was like, I don't even know who went up first. It was like Iron Maiden. And I look over there, and they're both over there rocking, but one of their friends came, like from fucking some of the high school or somebody's cousin. You know how it goes. Right. Well, guess who got sick? The fucking

cousin. She started puking in the aisle, so right away, I don't know nobody, right? I don't know nobody I never seen these crazy fucking animals before and something happens they took the girl in the bathroom now you know listen

I got to the point I was going to so many fucking concerts at that time it was like it was the summertime we were always going somewhere I was a little burnt out and I'm like you know what I heard what I came to here it's time to a bad

so I did the opening act No, I watched Iron Maiden Okay Now one thing I hate is since I'm a kid Is leaving when everybody else is leaving Okay Now I gotta leave here with 3,000 people I was worried about COVID before COVID

Like I got to leave here with 3,000 people This is New York City breathing on my neck I'd rather walk out of here than have to crawl out Right? So I walk up to them They come back with pukees she's fucking like you know And I go guys this is no, I go, let's get her out of here. Right?

And all of a sudden, like, they're carrying her out. I'm trying to help her. And she just pukes again, like The Exorcist. And that was my state called Abandon Ship. I just put my roller skates on and buggyed out of there. I walked to the train. And I went home. I had other friends there from my hometown.

It's not like I left them there. And like two days. But you were actually carrying her and dropping her. Listen, my mother had just died. You think I'm worried about fucking leaving you? I got bigger things on my mind. I got to go check the grave to see she's still alive. I don't fucking know.

I'm going to go fucking wait for you all night when you bring Puky. It was supposed to be us. That's why you're not supposed to show up with somebody unless, you know, their fucking family. Now I got to worry about Puky. Until this day, one of the girls, when I see you now,

he says, you cock sucker. You left me at that Judas Priest concert. I fucking love it. It's funny that you said, like, you don't want to leave with everyone else. I got invited to a UFC one time with you. And it was like, the only time I went, it was great seats. And, like, I think it was, like, at the beginning of the, like, the main event, you're like, it's time to get the time ago.

We watched it on the TVs by, like, the concession stand. Yeah, we went up to the TV by the concession stand. There's not a soul up there. You could fucking light yourself on fire and die. and nobody would even notice. It's the main card. Nobody gives a fuck. You know, like that movie with the guys

when they robbed Boston fucking stadium? Oh, yeah, with Appleg, yeah. Yeah, what's the name of that movie? Oh, damn it. The town? No, the town. Yes, the town. I'm sorry.

Let me tell you something. For your aspiring screenwriters, that's the next fucking flick. They've already done 22 fucking oceans, 28, Oceans. These guys are 100 years old, and they're still robbing. I'm 60. I couldn't crawl out of window. All these guys are fucking going into states. I love burglarizing houses. If I can still do it, I'd still be out there banging it out. But you got cameras, and I ain't going to fit no closet no more. You know, you can hide under a bed when you're 140, 180. Once you're

Busting 250, 290, that's going to be a wobble. That looks like a see-saw. You know what I'm saying? That's it. Those days are over with, so I don't get it. So right now, if you're an aspiring writer, you put together a nice fucking script, an indie script about Robin fucking a UFC event in a different type of town, not Las Vegas, like in a town like that where they have, it's a huge gate. You know, you do a fucking show in Idaho or somewhere like that that's more, you bring some good fucking fighters.

You're going to get people all from Canada, blah, blah, blah. And they're coming over with real cash. They don't give them fuck if they go to ticket vendors and buy $2,000. I've seen it. There's a big difference of a UFC event in Vegas than a UFC event anywhere else. And in LA, they show up late. You go to a UFC in Minneapolis. They're there at 401.

Fucking banging on the door, punching each other, letting people's head doing double takedowns. and shit. It's real. This is what they have on a Saturday. They work fucking three months to stay in a hotel, have tequila, do mushrooms, bring the wife. You know, this is a big

thing. So it's a big difference. But a guy robbing like a UFC when the main fight is going on. That's the time to do it? How many times I set up there by myself? And I'm like, they're in a soul up here. And all the vendors,

They all got their little brooms. What do you think they're doing? They're in the hallways, watching the fucking fight. Listen, I'm not here fucking telling you about a scam. You know what I'm saying? If you rob Vegas and you get caught, don't put my name into it, cock, suckers. That's so funny.

Before you wreck yourself. Holy shit. Do you do that when you're walking around? You're like, this would be a good place to, or no? Sometimes. Sometimes I'm walking around. Look at here, a purse. You know, and she's with the skin, 40 yards away on the seafall.

Rob it out of principle. You know what I'm saying? How do you have a purse and you put it by the rock there and you're a powerful wife? Any fucking buddy will take it. You deserve to get robbed. But me, I'm a good Samaritan. I stay in the area until she comes over. I make sure nobody robs the purse.

That's very nice of you. You got to do it. It's good. Jesus is watching. You know what I'm always watching? to let me. Holy shit. That was fucking fun. It's, uh, you were talking

you were talking about like the difference of like the UFC audiences and I went to two, I went to both nights of Chappelle. And it was it was great like the it was fun to see, but the audiences were very like the shows were almost completely different.

Both night. Like, mm-hmm, the Thursday versus the Friday. I was a material thing about. Well, no, no. He's, I'm sorry. His material was fairly similar, but I'm saying, like, the audience and, like, the reaction to the material was different Thursday and Friday. Like, it was, like, and it was very similar material. And it was just, like, the audiences were very different.

It was, like, it was just strange to see. And it's the same guy, the same comic, but he's, like, almost two different audiences. Now, you went Thursday and Friday. Thursday night was the alleged incident. He said, and the article I read it said he said he denied being in Boston on Thursday, which I thought was hysterical. I'm telling you, everybody's no since 11. They don't know nothing. But, you know, it was an strange thing.

I didn't, the articles made it seem worse than I thought it was. I mean, I'm with 20,000 people there, yeah, you're going to get people who are going to get upset. I didn't see anyone leave and I I'm we're never going to get it into political stuff but to me it was pretty down the middle

it was like if you're either way on one side you're going to either love it or hate it. What are you Bruce Buffer now? I don't know what do you mean? I understand. I'm just goof-oh. No, no, okay. It was just I didn't view it as hateful either way but it was not as

pro is real as I think a lot of people either would like or expect but it wasn't that much of the show and it was cool I was just more impressed with with like him

and I thought the show like it just you're talking about like the energy like the with the DJ you were very impressed with the DJ I was very impressed with the show in an arena Dave is a fucking genius to that Such a sounds, yeah.

You pay 300 bucks to see Dave, it's worth every dollar. I'm going to tell you why. It's not just three fucking jerkoffs coming out telling you stupid Joe's. It's a fucking experience. You don't know what you're going to get, which is a concept that I love. That's the old Rolling Stones. You didn't know who the fuck was going to show up. For a fan, that's a great experience.

If I go to a show and it's him, Donnell, Ali Wong, You saw Dean Dane Cook, you know, Ahmed or Mohammed. And then he puts on like the DJ that night could be fucking DJ Khalid. You don't know till you get there. And they'll have a rap group that are dropping and he'll come out with them and fuck around. And you know what? At the end of the day, it's not just a fucking comedy show. It's an experience.

And I think people enjoy that. If I'm a consumer, yeah, they're a $400 ticket. Guess what? You're going to be stoned as fuck. Nobody's going to say shit to you. You can eat mushrooms. You can jump up and down. And you're going to laugh with Dave and his fucking cohorts. And you know what, man?

It's a great show. The energy, listen, when you go into a UFC, the first thing you feel is the energy. Yeah, but Joey, I can watch it at home. I understand. You don't see me jumping up and down at UFC. You know why? Because you've got to park and you got to walk.

That's it. All right. When I'm home, all I have to do is walk to the refrigerator or the fucking toilet, right? That's it. But I can't deny that to you. When you walk in to a fucking UFC, I go to basketball games, I go to baseball games, I love every minute of it. But again, the UFC took it up a notch. You don't know who's going to show up in any UFC.

So as a fan, you're at a UFC in fucking Tokyo and Jared Lido sitting there dressed up like James Bond, you have an experience. I went home, Jared Lito is there. Usma knocked out the rush, and I know he didn't. But whatever the story is, and that's something that's a, you know, Burke Chrysha is building, is an experience what he's doing. I fucking love what he's doing. Whatever you fucking have to say about Burke Chrysha,

he just, he's the new fucking walking dead, except with acid and whatever. It's a bunch of fucking dude drinking titos. Okay, that's it. And he puts on the best acts and he goes to little stadiums to give love to fucking everybody. Who's better than that?

I got to give love to Skankfest. Look what they have fucking done. That's an experience. You get to throw fucking Kim Condum around as a wrestling match. People are fighting. Ari's fucking naked. You know, that's a fucking experience

if you've got that stamina. Yeah, and people do that's deep. So I give those motherfuckers all the credit in the world, all the credit in the world. Everybody freaks out. I went to a club last night. These motherfuckers have been partying for three days. They're 22 in a room. They're young kids.

They're saving money. There's 22 of them in the room. They drove there with a full tank of gas. One of them's got a warrant. That's what life is all about, my friend. think about and I was thinking about that too because I always appreciated

when people come to shows but like I saw Chappelle like 10 something 15 years ago and it was like it's an event like those kind of shows are like things people will remember their whole life if they remember one thing from it like there's like a good chance

be going to see Chappelle at the guard like there's something people will remember And it's just to put in the perspective for like someone like me was like crazy to put more emphasis on it almost. You know what I remember when I walked in the Boston Garden 20 fucking years ago. What's that? In 20, 98. One of those comics brought me.

We were doing that club downtown in the football-shaped stadium. I was a feature act. It was a Monday night or some shit. And he said if I didn't mind stopping and doing a room, he had an extra ticket for Boston on Tuesday night. Right there, just if you know anything about me, my heart. Stop. I'm like, here I got $8 in my pocket.

I hope I don't have to buy drinks. And this guy's like, nah, I got tickets that everything is included. Woo! You know, and then I just brought Reefo with me. But you know what I first remember when I walk into the Boston Garden, whether it's new, old, go back to 98 and 99 or something. I remember when I saw all those flags. all the championship things.

You know, you look at that and you're like, that's fucking America, Jack. Whatever you want to call them. That's old school. That's when I was growing up. All that shit was happening as I got into basketball. And then in my hometown,

there was a disciple, there was a cousin to Hablichick. And he played on the street. Glenn Hablichick, yeah. In fact, there were two cousins. And one of them played on the state championship. North Bergen team in 1978, when they won the States.

And then there was a younger brother, and he was a year older than me. And I remember I was in awe that he was a fucking Hablachachuk. Like, I never tried to foul him, like shit like that. If he called the foul, I just didn't argue with him.

He was a fucking Ablachek, Lee. You know, you want me to fucking blow a smoker? And we had, I forget their names, but we had two, the O'Neill brothers. Remember I used to talk about the O'Neill brothers. the two Irish twins

that you hit one and the other one would cry. Oh, yeah. We played basketball, I was karate chop from the death. They lived next to somebody who was a cousin to the Celtic and the guy would come over there and we would beg him

whenever he comes fucking. The guy was like a third string center. He was a skinny white dude from like Jersey. I forget what the fuck his name was. And we would always tell cousin, bring him over. We want to meet him. He was a nobody, but we didn't give a fuck. He was a something.

So it was like, you know, I never got to meet him or anything. But anyway, who gives this shit? But that's what I got. So half of those places when you walk in, you get sucked in by the energy. If you're, I don't give a fuck if you're a Yankee fan and somebody invites

you in to see a fucking Red Sock game. And you walk in there, if you're a Yankee fan, two fan of baseball. you'll look around and go, wow. Why did I pay $800 for these seats? My ass don't even fit this motherfucker. I can smell it out everywhere.

My wife's got to sit on my lap. She's tipping the scale at two tens since she had the kid. We're just having fun, suckers. It's Tuesday, the 24th. Don't forget, Wednesday to 25th, tomorrow,

I'm in Brick, New Jersey, at Barnes & Noble, Brick, 6 to 8. I'll be there giving out some books. And I'm thinking of a raffling something. So I'm going to go to Hobby Lobby tomorrow and get some raffle tickets. Hopefully they got out there. I'll be printing some fucking counterfeit ones or something. I can't tell you what color they are because I don't want it. It is Jersey, dog.

If you have a raffle on a Tuesday and a Wednesday and you put out pink fucking things, But the time you get there, Wednesday, everybody's got a pink ticket. You get there, you're like, how do all these people win? Because you put the same color. It's like when you're on probation, you got to call to see what color it is. When I was on probation years ago for the fucking, I was like color purple.

So Monday, Wednesdays, and Friday, you had to call in. Like, 1,800, fucking I'm on probation. You put your code in and they go, it's Monday. The 23rd of October. Today, the colors are red, and by the time there was dropping knowledge on, you'd be holding your bread. Red, green, and aqua. Talk to you on Wednesday, and you hang up and go, oh, I don't have to drink any more fucking apple cider, vinegar, fucking everything else I drank the last 24 hours to beat this piss test. I did it again.

But they have something. They catch you eventually. They always catch you. But who gives a fuck? Who's a criminal that watches this show? Nobody. We're all on the up and up. We're trying to make our lives better.

We're just two fat fucks. I get high on a Monday, Tuesday, get together. You know, there's a great game on, Philadelphia against Arizona. There's another one in an hour for fucking AC. It's Houston against fucking Texas in Houston. Forget about it. You understand me? 20 a life, no parole.

Now, haven't been watching baseball? Is this, if Philly wins tonight, they win the World Series? No, no, no. I think they have to play tomorrow and then they have to play the winner of the Texas Houston game. Oh, because all I saw it was they were oiling up the light posts today in Philly. See, they shouldn't be doing that. You know what happened before? You know what I put?

This is my just, this is the way Uncle Joey thinks. You want to know how I think you? One of the rules I got. I got the best playing basketball last year when you went to, to see him was the center from Philly. And guys, I went three times. I went to three games last season. My heart's always in Philly.

I always go to Philly. You know why? Because I could be myself. If I want to scratch my balls, I scratch my balls. If I want to jump up and down, I jump up and down and yell. Mercy, my daughter, fucking adores it. Because people go off and she giggles. Her and Florentine's young man.

We fuck, we take kids with us. They fucking go crazy because you hear all these curse words. and you hear shit that's out of this world. So I feel comfortable in Philly. Everybody else in the stadium, everybody's quiet. If you say something, they all look at you like, you know, I can't. I just pay three bills for this fucking ticket. I got to sit here like, I ain't got a tongue.

I'm fucking, you know. Do you have fun in Philly? I got to be fucking free. Yeah, they got a $20 tequila. When do I drink? Never. The frozen margarita in Philly. For 20 bucks, it's got to be like 32 now.

But just pay for it and look the other way. Does it get you drunk? I'm not going to lie to you. You know my tolerance. I don't even drink. It's just a refreshing drink when it's 900 fucking degrees in Philly. And they got the best wet ice, whatever they fuck they call it, water ice. Oh, really?

He sat 30 fucking feet from the stand. So I was like a yo-yo. When I left there, I was all sugared up on the fucking ice. You know what I'm saying? But right now I'm starting to feel good. I had my fucking little Sillies mushroom here. Oh,

who flavor you got. Tonight I got milk fucking chocolate. You know what I'm saying? Nice. Tremendous. I love it. And I got to give them a free plug because they always take good care.

Uncle Joey. If you're in the move for some Sillies here, the Sillacibin chocolate, four grand bars, the milk chocolate. Go to Fungi Factory on Instagram. Put in Uncle Joey Savage, all one word. I don't know where it's lower case or higher case. You know what I'm saying?

You want cases. Watch law and order. I'm sorry about the lighting tonight. I'm experimenting. I'm not doing a remake of the months. I just got to figure this out. There you go. That's a little bit more straighter.

Now I look more at home. I changed it up a little bit. I moved the room this way, Lee. I got the picture you gave me out of respect. Thank you. Morris Taylor to my right. Glad you like it. I got the book to my on top of me,

which don't forget the book signing tomorrow Wednesday. Yeah, tomorrow night, six to eight and purchase it. You're not going to walk down like some Johnny GVD. Let me shake your hand with fucking, you know. And then over here you got Led Zeppelin from my left. Who's better than me? I got Lawrence Taylor on my right, Led Zeppelin to my left.

They got Charles Brunson under him. I got my record player right here. Fuego! Cuck, suck. You know what I'm saying? I love it. All right. Let's for a commercial break here.

Let's take a breather from fucking Yak-Jack. Listen, it's getting cold out there, but the games are heating up. Basketball is back, Jack, and draft kings, an official sports betting partner of the NBA as an unbeatable offer for check-in listeners only. You ready for this? You could score 200 instantly in bonus bets by throwing down just $5 on the NBA. Joy, what are you talking about? That's $200.

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New customers can get 200 bonus bets instantly for betting $5. That's right, Uncle Joey on a Tuesday. Only at Draft King Sportsbook with Code Joey. The crown is yours. Listen, you got a gambling problem? Call 1-800 gambler or visit www.1-800 gambler.net and New York. Call 1-8778-8-H-York or text.

Hope, H-O-P-E-N-Y-4-67-369. I love you. Download the Draft King's app. We're back, bitches. Anyway, we were talking about the man in the studio, about when you work in an office and you do dirty things there at that day. Listen, I never worked

on an office. Yes, I did. I think I did something for a while in an office. I didn't even know how to go on computer porn then or anything. But something about a desk, it makes you want to bang one out. You know what I'm saying? Why is that a clip of you talking about you didn't live in an office?

Yeah, but it didn't have a desk. Like, I wasn't sitting in a fucking chair like I got now. It was an office that was empty with a fucking carpet on the floor. Not even. It was a towel rolled up I lived like an Indian guy and fuck the Angladesh or something like that. Okay, Jesus Christ. You didn't put a desk in?

Yeah. You didn't have to put a desk in to like pretend? I had something in there. I had like a $1,800 number and something else. That's good enough. Where's your desk? I sit on the floor. Better for my back.

And do you ever bring a girl back there? That's not I'm 60 years old. I'm just saying when I was young and you were doing powder and shit, you'd wake up from powder, you'd have different sexual urges. Sometimes you have bang went out somewhere, you know what I'm saying? Like you had like the twit from last night. Like I went home and I got to fucking, you ever wake up and you have like a nut that's swollen on the right side, the left side.

You're like, ooh, that hurts? Yeah, it hurts because you were thinking about giving somebody a stabbing. And you're fucking bangling out, but you fell asleep. Oh, yeah. Oxygen went in, but it didn't shoot. shoot out. Now you're walking around with a limp. You don't know what it is until you bang went out and off when you're like, ah,

fucking eureka. Eureka. Look at you with that beard. You're like Alibaba that's like. No, not. Uh-huh. You always used to say I had ISIS beard. I'm not Ali, what are you talking about? They're making a comeback, but, you know, they're still

not going deep. I think they took that Starbucks money and they were like, you know what? We're going to chill right here. We'll shoot arrows at each other. We'll bomb me other that's even better. At the price they're paying us, who gives a fuck? Fuego! And they just go. Is that your new catchphrase?

What? Puego. Just for tonight, you know what? If you said that after every joke. After what? After every joke, you just said, Fuego! Oh my God. Something just hit me. Hold on. Give me a minute to catch my

house. Where's the water and where's the ice bag? I know I got water. I think the water's in your hand. I got to tell you about the best time I had last week. Okay. For you guys there at home, I don't do much. I go to my daughter's softball games. I play Bachi, which we got beat up last Tuesday.

We went deep into the night with them. We took them into the murky waters, but fucking, they were talented as fuck. And we got beat 11 to 6, so we're done on Tuesday nights. We ended up 2 and 13 or 2 and 16 or something like that. But it got me out. out of the house on Tuesday nights. You had fun. And it was, in my mind, it wasn't about taking pictures or jumping up and down.

I'm just one of you, motherfuckers, getting away from my wife for an hour. That's it. This is what it is. If you think I'm going to come here and practice and talk about strategies, I got shit to do. I got a fucking 10-year-old. So that ended Tuesday night. And I was sad, Tuesday night. I really was.

I came home and I was like, fuck, what am I going to do on Tuesday now? So I called the guys. I go, let's just go Bowling on Tuesdays. Let's eat some fucking shrooms. And let's go bowling on a fucking Tuesday, right? These guys are all in. They're my fucking dogs, right?

So we planned on it. I don't know where we're going to go tonight. So Friday, my wife had something with Mercy. And I was like kind of fucking coming back from somewhere. And I got home. And she's like, you're on your own until about fucking 8.30 or something like that. And then I have something in the room. refrigerated, not eat on your own.

I wasn't really that hungry. I had been fucking, I got into Jitsu. I had to meet somebody. I was in the car for like two hours. It was one of those days. We were stopping at yellow lights. You know those people? You stop at yellow to irritate you? Like, stop at the yellow? Really, cuckeducker, with a BMW?

You stopped with a yellow. Why are you doing this to me? Why did you buy this fucking car? Why? Today, again, I'm trying to fucking do things, and I get behind a fucking, you know, a fucking, you know, $200,000, $300,000 car, and they're doing the speed limit.

About a week ago, I got behind one of those testarosas fucking 9-0. This motherfucker was doing below the speed limit. Oh, no. You wouldn't let me around them, man. And a brand-new testerer, and I'm like, why are you being such a fucking douchebag?

And I finally got around them. You know me, dog. You either let me go. I'm going to smash into that fucking testarosa. And I got guy goes. I heard my fucking feeling. I got back. What are you going to hit me about now, Copsucker?

I don't want to hear from you right now. I'm busy. I'm busy. I'm doing a fucking podcast. Anyway, what's up, Moot? Oh,

I'm sorry. Yeah, what was the, he said he had a really good time? So Friday night, I'm fucking, my wife, she calls me,

but bah, I just got back, I said, you know what, let me wash my monkey. Let me take a shower, change clothes, my fucking,

I've been driving for two, I took a shower after Jiu-Jitsu. Now I'm fresh again. And again, I've got to take him to watch my mother. Oh, it's raining. That's what it was. And I was like, fuck. I took a shower. I was sitting here and awesome. My brother called me the crazy guy. The fish guy, right?

I love him to death. I've been here for three years, but our schedules just don't fucking match up. He has to go to work. He gets up at fucking three and the morning. He's in this truck at 4 to head to fucking Brooklyn to get fish

at the fish market. I would fucking shoot myself. And trust me, there's a lot of nights where I've got up to piss at 3 in the morning. And I go, fuck, I go meet my brother Chris and take a ride, get some fucking clams that cost and shit like this, right? So

something. I don't know if he called me or I called him. He was at this bar where a girl that we went to high school works. She runs the bar. So he's like, come over. They have what you like. They have this escarole and beans.

Like, all right, beautiful. So I fucking drive. It's like a 30 fucking minute drive. I thought it was 10 minutes away. It was raining. It was dark. There's fucking curbs. There's deer.

You know, it's fucking deer season. There's little dears everywhere. They're everywhere. You think, I mean, tiny ones. They have babies. And if you know, they're around, the parents are around. So you might hit one of them, or they might run into you. So you've got to fucking drive with caution, you know.

So I had already popped a couple of mushroom chocolates. So I was out there fucking in the car, listen to fucking the summer remains the same. I was rocking in that motherfucker listening to a no quarter, a whole lot of love. It was tremendous. I was seeing lights and shit. I'm like, wow, this is tremendous.

And I went to where he was at. He had been there since one in the afternoon, pounding doubles, like a savage that he is. 65 years old. God bless him and his nose was leaking. That's why I love him. He never gave up. I'm a pussy. He never gave up. He went straight for the jackpot.

60 fucking 5. And he still fucking does it all weekend till Sunday morning and Monday. He's delivering fish running his own business like a soldier. He only works three days a week. He works Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Friday, he gets off at 11 in the morning. he's done by 11

it's his own business he does what the fuck he wants he already has his customers he's had him for 40 fucking years this is 1980 he knows a lot about fish so he invites me over there I go over he's fucking shit-faced right and he is hysterical

last time I saw him I drove into a funeral my friend's mother died and we both grew up with her and I said the only way I'll go is if I drive with somebody because I was getting the dizzy spouse. Okay. I'm from my ears.

And fucking, I drove him to the funeral. Before the funeral, we went to eat at Rudy's. All right. Now, I got a bowl of soup. I got a salad, you know,

maybe a dozen clams, a half-order, connemar, whatever, with the medium sauce. He started drinking doubles. Before this fucking wake. So by the time we fucking get up to leave, I don't have to tell you. And he's hilarious.

He just says shit. And if there's powder, he goes off the fucking rail, 64 years old at the time. So what we're already leaving Rudy's, it's two in the afternoon. I want to get there. The wake opened up at like one or two. And I'm like at 210, 215, and be out of there by 315 to beat the traffic going south. He lives two blocks from me, right? So by the time we get to the way, he's fucked up.

Right. So I brought like edibles with me. And when I went to the bar with him, some guy recognized me. And he came up to him. We started talking. And this guy had some great edibles. And we started trading. He was at Rudy's.

And we started trading little fucking edibles. And he gave me a 50 and like a 10 and like a 15. Right. So you know what's coming. I just love that. It's in a wake, too. I had already fucking bombarded myself with all the edibles I brought.

The guy gave me, except for those last three. But he was there when the guy gave him to me, right? So, boom, you know, he's at the wake. He's already going off on the communist, you know, who's still John F. Kennedy. He asked one of,

I have a friend that doesn't have a stomach, right? Right? He's a stomach, and he owns a restaurant. hysterical. He's on the restaurant. for fucking 80 years. He doesn't have a stomach. He's got a funny name. I don't want to fucking out.

I'm on here. A bunch of us know him. And my friend's ex-husband, we went up and he goes, you're starting to look like that guy. I'm out of the stomach. And he goes, I'll fucking kick in the ass right in the wake. It was just classic. And all of a sudden, my friend looked at me

and she's like, it's time to take him home. So he got in the car and he's lit. He's got white in him. He's got fucking 12 drinks. because he's talking nonsense. We get on the turnpike, he goes, hey, I know that guy gave me those edibles. Give me the 10.

So I dropped the 50 on him, right? I dropped the 50 on him as we asked. It's Tuesday night, God, second. I hit the, oh, that's tremendous. Oh, the 50. I hit the, I hit him with a 50. By the time we were on Route 3, right? By the time we hit the park west.

He's fucking in the car. He's got two beers, and he's got two waters. I took two waters from the wake to him on the table, and I kept one, and I put one in the middle case he wanted it. You know, I'm taking little sips. The edibles are hitting me. I'm trying to ignore that he ate the 50. I can already see that it's fucking rocking his world.

He's thinking about his family and where he went wrong, and what color the fish should be. I mean, this guy is a riot. I can't take him out in public. You cannot take him out in public. Because you just said, and you're saying that. I take him out because I got to be honest with entertainment. I love this family growing up.

I grew up in this fucking house. You know, how can I fucking kick him in the stomach? Everybody died. I'm all he's got left from the old days. So I thought it would be nice. I go into this place. He's hammered. He comes over.

He kisses me 10 times. I'm so happy you came, motherfucker. I love you, Spick, you know, over and over. But again, I've heard it for 50 fucking years, you know. I knew him since 51street, him and his family. We went up to 85th Street. I was always in their house. In fact, I lived with them before I was homeless in 80-fucking three.

I mean, you know, I know these motherfuckers. So I sat there with him for two hours and just, I drank water with lemon and watched Houston, make a comeback. And I didn't eat. anything, but he asked me to take something home that he wanted me to eat. I had already eaten here. I had something that was my wife had made. But those fucking two, three hours, like, I got

there at 7.30, and by 9 I was taking him home. And he was fucked up. But hold on. The day he ate the edible, we're driving. He's stuck. I can see. He's already looking around. Spick, what's going on? And he's asking me all these questions about, like, and I just ignore him. And he'll keep talking. He'll just keep talking. He'll just keep

talking. She's suck my deck. And then he'll say something else to me. His wife don't even want him around. He goes, here. Answer the phone. It's Jody, his girlfriend. I looked at the messages that were all from her.

You're not coming home tonight. You're going to sleep in the truck. Fuck you. You were supposed to get me cigarettes and come back. It's 9 o'clock at night. You were coming back at 1.30. He's a riot. Listen, when people say to you,

Oh, I did this, I partied out. Listen, if you met this guy at his age, I don't care how old you are. This guy shamed you. He doesn't do it coast to coast. Okay? Does that mean? Got the control of a fucking Catholic, okay?

That means Sunday at lunchtime, he cuts it off, whether he's snort and coke, whether he's smoking it. Whatever the fuck he's doing, he cuts it off and he sleeps. He's got Monday off. So Monday about 6, he comes back to life. He cooks, takes a shower, and he's normal.

And he'll ask me questions. When I say to Indiana, I spend, like, he's fucking. But again, you know, when you don't walk away from somebody, I get him. And I know I'm the last person that he's got. So, you know, we said goodbye. He was torturing some woman. He was tortured some fucking guy, you know. But again, they know.

know him and he's been going in there for 10 years buying everybody drinks they threw him out of whether we got the pot roast sandwiches it threw him out it threw him out of that he's 86 i even asked there's anything we could do to bring him back and they're like listen he comes in here a friday he fucking spends a lot of money but next thing you know you sit on some woman's lap breathing out of that i can't have that i was going to say what do you do to get kicked out of a pot roast place Oh my God, it's like that. Remember I took you that? Did we not go there for a pot roll sandwich? You put horse radish on it with a paper?

I think so. Smoking, Jack. Next time you come down, that's all go. No names. The brass rail. It's great. I love the fucking fuck. Best fucking prime rib I've ever had it. I was there about two Saturdays ago. I hadn't been there for like a year. You know, how much do I eat prime rib? Not never.

Right. Never. It's not like, but every once in a while, you're like, you know what, Papa? The weather's starting to talk. toughing up a little bit. It's time to eat a little fucking prime rib. You get a little, once a year, guys. Don't worry about me. I know people eating fucking meat every fucking hour. And they're like, I'm healthy. Okay. Check back with me in 10 years when your fucking veins are coming out of the eyeballs and shit. You look like a fuck. All the cow things you did. You don't know what you're putting in your mouth today.

No. Oh, it's, I saw a video. I don't care what supermarket you're going. Unless you buy it on the farm and you know the fucking dude, you don't know what you're putting in your mouth you come to terms with that and every time you eat a piece of meat you pray for the best. Have you ever gone to it, like gotten it delivered from a farm?

Do they have that in Jersey? They have it up here. It's great. You know, I'd like to just, I like to get like a brochure, like a fuck, you know, I'm an old man. I'd like to get like a website and maybe visit it.

You know, they want to sell me the cow and cut it up and funnel it to me throughout the year. I know, I know my brother-in-law is part of his, service that you pay them in January, and they give you the whole fucking thing. But they give you like 17 pounds of hamburger meat in hamburger patties. Ten more loose, if you want to make spaghetti sauce.

Ribs, whatever the cow has. Whatever the cow has or the pig, that's what you fucking get. But they cut it up nice for you. If you want it, they'll send it out quarterly to you. And if you don't, you can pick it up in one shot, whatever the fuck. It's like that thing that they used to sponsor us. Blue Apron. No, not that fucking thing.

The other one. The meat company, when they first came out. Oh, Butcher Box. Butcher Box. Bro, Butcher Box is not a bad service at all. No. They're responsible me. I'm just telling you people.

I have a friend around the corner. Steve. My brother Steve always has primo meat. I don't know what he's subscribed to this, that. They send them wings. They send them. Usually the wings they send them. in you, they know HIV, California wings.

Those are real fucking chicken wings. 100% DA steroid chickens. You eat a pound of those things. Within 10 years, you'll be growing something. Something. A lump out of your neck, out of your eye. Those wings ain't just good. They're fucking coming back somewhere.

Trust me. I eat those motherfuckers, too, if I'm up in Buffalo. You know that. I can't stare at you're that good. They're fucking really good. But yeah You made me hungry, motherfucker. Oh, yeah.

Most of course. You know me, I'm dehydrated. I only pop three, but it's time to maybe pop six. What do you think, though? It's Monday at night. I only got a couple errands tomorrow. Tomorrow's a light day. Wednesday, I got the book signing.

That's going to be fun. Those are really fun. Listen, I want people to know this opinion I got. I just got a fucking whatever. I'm not dumb. It's October 20 fucking four. Today, the actors union is supposed to, or the actors union, whoever the fuck is following it.

You know, for some reason, honest to godly, I get 10 of these emails every week. And some of them are actors, some of them are fucking people who just want to know the truth. I don't know what they're fucking fighting for. I don't want artificial intelligence. Listen, here's where I'm not trying to be selfish. I look at artificial intelligence. I ain't nobody make no AI of me.

You can't turn me into Elvis on a good day, no matter what you do. AI, E. I fuck you, whatever the fuck you want to do. I'm still Uncle Joey. You want to fucking use my, you know, I guess it's going to ruin the future. You know, I guess it's supposed to fuck with the actor's salary. Guys, you chose a business that everybody wants to do. It takes a lot to do that business.

and at one point you have to see where you really are and maybe if you want to act there's always theater in New York City there's always a local theater in Pittsburgh I know there's got to be something going on in Worcester that's a big theater town huge so it doesn't bother you to think about like them like putting in movies

or stuff like that like you don't like that you cannot be stupid that's where it's going anyway I understand that you're battling that but these people are holding on to that is what I'm saying they're not just they're going to leave a clause in there and experiment and in the meantime

you're going to get fucked from a different direction they already got attorneys trying to figure out the next move right that's what they do you know they won't give up that move until they have something down the pipe that the fucking Martians brought them

and now they don't have it so they have it's crazy it's crazy where you're at my heart goes out to people that are just actors this is fucking 100-something days this couple fucking months right now we're a month away from eating turkey

and thanking God for the year we had what about these fucking people I did my best they wrote me a little fucking thing an amp thing and I donated it to the amp thing usually I throw those envelopes away but this year dog I know what's going on right now I don't know how much of that money they'll get

you know but at least you feel good about yourself you know right no but you have that i mean it must be crazy like to like because then is it serious like let's say like you were a union actor and like someone was trying to bypass the strike and you did it when you like get barred from ever act like would that be like a big deal i'm imagining it'd be if i'm here's how i look at i saw people during the strike

early on that already had the sag thing on the fist they were you know But to be honest, meanwhile, they're cooking on a fucking plan to go back to work with one of those vouchers or whatever they're talking about. And two people

didn't reach out to me, and I was shocked at one person. I don't know them personally. They just said, if I'd be interested to shoot this thing, it's non-union, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like,

I'm a felon, okay? I'm a fucking, I try to be the best American I can. I don't hit a squirrel on the street. You know, I don't litter. I piss on the street from time to time. 60. Sometimes I got to go when I got to go. I even have a bottle in my car. I try real hard.

If I don't dump the piss out in the street, I try to piss the bottle. And me, I'll take it to listen. I'll take my own piss to 7-Eleven and dump it in the garbage. But I won't take it. I won't pick up dog poo and walk at home like those fucking dudes and talk to you. I don't want to talk to you. You got to get pissed. You know what I'm saying? You're the kiss of death right now.

I'm trying to bet fucking. something in the World Series. You're walking up to me a little bag of shit with a smile in your face. If I had to walk around with a bag of shit, I wouldn't have no smile on my face. I'd be looking at that dog like,

wait, this is life? This is life. I got to walk out here at 6.30 in the morning for you to take a shit that looks bigger than mine. And then if you have a chihuahua, one of those little lap dogs, you ever smell their little dynamites?

It's a little fuckman who got's piece of shit. This big inch, it looks like one of those milky duds, whatever they call them. does I can every one of those again oh my god milky does

where the fuck they are you say some those little dogs smell like fucking debt they smell like debt I love my cats but every once in a while that little devil

misses the fucking litter box you walk out a fog of debt you understand me you got to take the litter box out hit it with gasoline lighted on fire you know it's a fucking stink

that Henry hell couldn't even take out of his truck. It was that bad. Henry, ooh, what's that smell? I hit a skunk. Oh, you hit. You had a fucking got that took a shit in the truck. This is why he fucking little... I don't even eat edibles during

the week no more. Yes, you do? Listen, if I eat like Friday night and 400 milligrams, that's a plate date. That's me showing up and going, hey, how you doing? Peele. And next, you know, where he goes? Wop in the bathroom. No, he didn't. He's on his bicycle, headed down to

Fairfax to that fucking burles show. He's fucking gone. Who shot that dug? You know what I'm saying? Fua! Fuego! Look at you with that beard. What are you talking about?

You got to share it. Every time you go back, I think Ali Bob is coming. Hey, I want to remind you guys, this episode of the checking is brought to you by Better Help. Listen, things are stressful this time of the year. We've been living through a glorious. global pandemic. People are losing jobs left and right. I know how I feel sometimes. Sometimes

it's too much and you just want to talk to somebody. Boom, there you go. Better help is there. What's better help, Joey? It's designed to work with your busy schedule. Just fill out the quick survey, get matched with a licensed therapist, and be on your way to better mental health. Hoop, dupe, listen, when I moved, I had some issues. I didn't know what I wanted to do or what direction I want to do. It better help put me on the right path. It lets you get in touch with a therapist through Zoom calls on the phone by message, FaceTime.

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one word. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Diaz, D-I-A-Z. And visit them today. Listen to what Uncle Joey's throwing in. I'm going to get your 10% off your first month. And guess what? You're going to love BetterHelp. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P-com

slash Diaz. Thank you for listening. Oh my God. Oh, Jesus Christ, Joey. Mushroom, shrimp fart. You had shrimp? Yeah, because anyway, I was telling you about my brother Chris. So I was driving him home, and on the way home, you know, he was like, hey, I don't care.

Everybody hears me talking about him. Everybody knows how much I love this shit. But on the way home, I realized why I picked him up. Because he was like half drunk, walking about, you know, yeah, I went to this fucking, gang bang and 82. Everybody was doing I don't know

what he's talking about. He talks about the 10th Mafia families. Like I said, I just put the music on higher. But to get back to the story on the way home that time with the edibles,

by the time we hit the parkway, he was acting weird, and he started looking around the car, right? I didn't know what he was looking for. He was looking for the bottled water that he stole from Rudy's an hour before or awake. When we left awake, I'm sorry.

Lee, right in front of me, I'm already kicking him with the edibles. I just want to get him out of the car, but I love him. Okay, I'm not going to kick him out. If this is anybody else, I'd pull over and just talk to leave me at the side of the road. But I know this guy a long time. So he's looking at me all creepy, and all of a sudden, he sees where the water is hidden. He gets to water, Lee, he opens up the bottle, and he just pours it all. And his shirt is wet, and I'm fluking.

dying, right? So I drop him off. I gave him like a 50 and then I gave him a... He goes, what's that in there? I go, just 10. He goes, give me the 10. So I gave him 60. I gave him 60 milligrams. I drop him off. I forget all about it. Right? He already put the water on himself.

I gave him... I wanted to do that before. I gave him a paper towel. I took a home. Now, this guy goes to bed at 9. o'clock at night, right? Not even. Not even. He cooks, eats dinner, and

he's fucking nappy nulu time by fucking 8.30. Like right now, if I call him, he's out. I get a call from him like at 10 o'clock. And he's like, Jesus fucking Christ, what was in those things? I just ate at apple pie and a fucking turkey.

I can't stop eating. And I go, it's going to be already. He goes, I don't know. And he hangs up. And next morning he calls me again. He's like, I can't. going to work because of you. I'm still fucked up. What was in that? I want to buy more. He's telling me all this shit.

Well, anyway. Friday, I took him home. I go back a long time. And how are we all met? Because he had a family. He had two other brothers. One of them being the notorious bonehead, rest and peace. I didn't know that. I know what he went through with Bonehead.

I know what he went through with me and Bonehead. I know what he went through with me. bonehead and Kurt. So both of them have gone now. Rest in peace. The mom is gone now. Who was like, my mom. She's gone now. So on the way home, at one point, he's like, I missed my brothers. Thank you for showing up. You're my fucking brother. I gave him a kiss. We pulled in front of the house. He was talking about some Japanese

restaurant. And he goes, hold on. I got something for you. He gave me a five-pound bag of fucking clams that are beautiful. Oh, nice. He gave me a bag of these fucking shrimp. Remember the time I almost choked at that hotel? Yeah. Vegas with the big shrimp. Yeah, I fucking had to do the hymlich.

John Salami was there. Yeah. The shrimp are fucking bigger. Wow. A short shrimp cocktails. She made three shrimp. We had to split them. I love fucking shrimp.

Oh, yeah. Me too. With some fucking horseradish in that motherfucker and that cocktail sauce. You know. And he gave me something else. Crab. So that's why my wife. Cakes today.

Yeah. And then I called him, are you okay? He don't remember nothing. What time did you pick me up? What time did you get there? How much did I spend? You know, he's the best.

He's the fucking best, guys. He's, like, still at it. I'm not talking about concerts or jumping up and down or being on a yacht. This guy owns a fucking successful fucking fish company. He works his own hours. And he fucking, You know, he's a guy from the neighborhood.

Got a house, fucking gorgeous, a pool in the backyard. This is the reason I moved down here. Because when I used to come visit him in 99, 98, I used to come to this area and go, holy shit. You're fucking 45 minutes away from the city. That changed. It's 55 from fucking where we grew up now. And then another, you got to add another 15,

another hour fucking 20 to the, drive over the fucking bridge. Yeah. And so, um, it's, we talked about two things. We got comedy.

Okay. But the first thing I thought we'd talk about that was great. If you go to my old podcast, which I fucking hated the joint, I did do an episode about comics. Not, uh, this is the year of fucking,

this is before any of the movies were released. I was really upset because, comics don't do TV like they used to. You know, when I was a kid, I grew up watching comics, which was a rare hope for a guy like me going, wow, someday, not me, but maybe I'll do four episodes of a show. Right.

And I just tap out. I'm good to go. I was on a show. Everybody wants me to jump up and down and hang out with kiss. It's not what I want to do. What are we talking about? I don't know. He said something you wanted to talk about comedy.

They used to be the comedian on TV. I saw the new Bill Burr movie. Oh, yeah, I want to see that. He got destroyed, but I didn't give a fuck. I'm going to give Bill Burr a chance. I fucking enjoyed it. The same way I enjoy Bill Burr's comedy. Listen, there's a gift to do comedy.

Then there's a gift to bring your comedy to the stage. I'll always love the king. That's Tim Allen. Tim Allen always brought his comedy to the stage. I don't know how much you. of fucking Red Fox comedy went into you know, Sanford and son.

But Tim Allen took his fucking career and did fucking seasons off two fucking hours specials for showtime and maybe another 20 minute. He did it perfectly. When you watch this Bill Burr movie, I enjoyed it.

I watched one time by myself the first time. Right when it came out, the afternoon, it was raining. And then the next night, me and my wife watched it again. I do, I watch anything Bill's in, except the Mandalorian. I don't like Star Trek. Bill is in, I'm fucking in, you know.

Anything he's in. The one with whatever from Draft Day, I don't know the name of the movie. The guy from fucking Montana, the show of Montana. Oh, Yellowstone? He did a movie with him. I love Bill. I love Bill and anything. I'm a bill guy. When Bill comes to town, my wife and me go.

And I'd rather sit in the fucking audience and watch it. So I see him I could sit through for some reason. Yeah. Compel with 20 comics, that's too much for Uncle Joey. It's loud in there. People are dancing. You know, looks like fun for me if I was 20 years ago. But 20 years ago, I would walk on that stage.

I'd be all fucking have gizzed up the night before. I would fall apart. Like fucking... Velvet revolving, fall to pieces. Anyway, who gives a fuck about that? How's the kind of going, cocksucker? It's going pretty well. Some people went out to see you.

I want to thank them for going out and supporting Lee Syatt. Oh, thank you. This is not Madison Square Garden. These are in Studio 54. These are open mics in Boston. And you guys go out there, and it means the world of me. When he calls me at night, I wish I could, I knew the technology to tape him.

You have to hear his voice. The only thing you could do better for him is licking his balls or maybe cooking him dumplings, Chinese style. I mean, he sounds so happy when he says to me, dog, and people came out from the check-in. And I'm like, wow. I've been gauging this just to see. And I've been right. Listen, you don't want 200 people there.

Right. But, you know, your mom's busy. Your brother's doing jumping jacks. I'm over here. Ain't nobody going to these open mics for you. And one of the best thing about open mics is taking a friend to watch you bomb. Ooh. You have to drive you home in the car.

You have to start doing that. Somebody likes you. Come on. Come on watch me doing open mic. Yeah, I'm funny. I'm thinking of doing a tour with fucking Jackie Gleason. Tell them something just to get them to your show and take a car with him. That's a complete different type of confidence.

that you gain that. When a loved one goes with you and you eat a bag of dicks, not your girlfriend, somebody you work with, an uncle that you like, you take them for a steak and then make them sit through 10 minutes of your shit, and an open mic, surrounded with people with lice and people with mental problems and shit.

Those are people who love your dog. And when you bomb, it's a really weird talk. You know, it's a weird talk for them. And you want to be honest with them so you don't tell them. What do you think? I'm better than Dave Chappelle.

You know who the fuck you are. That's great. I've had people come out and I bomb and then they don't want to talk to me after. They talk to me before, but not after. But I can't imagine being stuck in the car with them on the way home. Can you imagine? Like, your neighbor, let me go down with you. Yeah, I went there years ago.

Now it's fucking completely different to Joy. You know, he walks in there with you. And the next thing you know, you're on stage and it's an open mic. in their mind, I don't know where they're going and what they expect to see. But by you going there, your percentages are bombing. If they have music, who goes in front of you?

A guy with a ukulele? Hold on with a second. Anybody got a gun? Let me shoot myself. Let me just stick. That's the open mic headliner. Put a hat out and put a dollar in there, send it to my wife and my kids.

I'd rather not follow a guy with a ukulele. I've never had to do it. Oh, my God. I can't imagine. It is crazy. There have been a couple people who come out to shows, but they'll have been like a couple people who came to the open mics, which we really appreciate, but it's probably I wouldn't,

I don't, I thought ever, like my, my mom used to throw it up and letting them know, bro, there's not, like, Rogan has an old joke.

There's nothing like your mom watching your bomb. You know what I'm saying? Oh, and that's worse. I'm catching you sucking a dick in the closet of, When Joe used to do that joke, people would just die like a, wait a second, my mother caught me, he's not going to dick one time or Christ,

why you got to put your mother into this? People get offended. I bet the comics, dad, that's a funny joke. Beside, how is the comedy you feel going for you? You know what? I feel like I got, um... We want to feel what you're going through. Yeah, to be honest,

I went through like a really good period and I haven't bombed like I bombed like hard before I haven't like bombed but the last couple haven't been like I haven't felt like I've done the best and like the last one was really fun but I didn't I didn't know if I was hosting or not and then I hosted and I just it's a completely different

like the guy who hosts at the club in Foxborough is like a great like a ton of energy get the crowd into it. And I didn't do, I didn't really do that. And I had an okay set, but they just, I felt like I didn't do my, like, do the right thing as a host. So I was kind of bummed out about it for a couple days. But overall, it's been pretty good. It's just like the last couple of shows have not been my favorite.

I always, I don't know where and where, Lee, you know. I don't know when and where. Somewhere I got asked to host one night. It started somewhere in the Seattle area, and I ate a bag of dick. And I went home. I was cracking because other people were there. Maybe the club owner auditioned me. Maybe it was a booker.

It was something like that. It wasn't a liver die situation. It was a job I wanted, and I ate a bag of dick, and they called me back, and I hosted, and I fucking died. You know, and I didn't blame it on the audience. I didn't blame it on her. She called me years later. I just wasn't ready to host. I was a midlife feature.

I was starting to blossom from 20 minutes, and she asked me to host for 10 minutes. It was the most awkward thing I ever did. Yeah. And then, you know, that's why working at a commercial club, it pains my heart what they make the MC go up there and do. He does three minutes, and then this guy's coming, this guy, and they make you do the whole lineup for the whole fucking year.

Listen, let the guy do His flow. This is a comedy club. They didn't come here to hear. They got three drinks of them. It's October. They're like, no forget, December 8, it's the funny. You know what? Come on. It's Friday. We got this much attention.

This poor MC's going up that it basically will be a fucking billboard. Right. So he doesn't really know. But he's learning that. If he does it and he does 50%, They don't give a fuck because they know that's torture and they want somebody in that I'll go, I'll do it.

You know, and then all of a sudden you show up to that. Now you're doing eight weeks as an MC. And at the end of those eight weeks, you'll go, wait a second, I learned a different muscle. Yeah. And you learn the muscle of control. You learn how to go, hey, how about a round of applause?

Lisa that's waiting in the back, but hold on. Did I talk to you, motherfuckers, about the time I got nasal? spray and it was and boom, now you have a closer. You have a three minute closer. You end strong and you don't go up there and go, all right, real quick.

How about a shout out to the waitstaff, give them two drinks? Listen, you want to come back to the club. You got to give the waystaff a lot of love. If you sound like a fucking robot as an MC, they ain't making no money either. Right. Just beg for them.

And you don't forget to tip the host. How about giving them around them? applause and that said, no, how about a round of applause for the MCs, for the waitresses, the waitstaff, the people in the kitchen, and don't forget the tip them. It's Tuesday night. Everybody wants a little nooky cookie on a Tuesday night. You know, and then there's two waitresses up front. Put a name to them. Right. You want now, instead of having two people go, they don't like you, you're going to have one person

go, I didn't like his act, you're going to have six waitress go, I don't know about you, but I made $100 because of him. Because he said, look at this girl with the earrings. She needs money for her kid. Look, it's a fucking, if you go up there and go, give her money, I want to take her home later. You're just being a fucking idiot. Right.

You know her name. Before you go up there and don't go for the hottest chick and try to fucking beat Johnny Swabing. Go for the fucking single mom. That's got four kids at home. The grandma's watching the kids. And she's doing this. You could tell she's been.

there she's a little weathered. Get her name first and then work downhill and pick two other ones or pick the guy. He's got purple hair. Boom. Don't go up there and go look at the titties. I want to fucking pit fuck a dog. I saw that.

Oh my God. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. I saw that. Does it ever work? Tell a chick that on a Thursday night when you just got to the club. I want you to think of that. perspective unless you're fucking doing blow or doing something crazy why are you

telling the fucking waitress she got big tits for right in front of 200 people is that what you want how about leo siat he's got a little dick flicked i tried to suck his dick i had a fucking you know get a toothpick whatever the fun no that's awful okay i saw all those little things. As a host, you're a positive source. You're the first motherfucker that's saying. Number one, this is rough for you. Have a little life to you.

I know it's rough to just go up there. I know you got the suit with the sneakers on. That's not a host, motherfucker. A host is somebody that welcomes me. Welcome to the fucking hell-ho. I don't give a fuck if they shot the place up and there's still blood behind you. I don't care. Even if

there's still fucking blood behind you, and there's fly you ever get to a comedy club and there's blood outside with candles you ain't a comic unless you did that shit the dog guy's checking for IDs there's a fucking candle spot you talk to george Perez we all had a club in fact

I told you a couple weeks so I bumped into my friend's wife she just got in jail after doing 90 days and she still had the bracelet on she was in there for a comedy night this was a buck wild fucking comedy club cucklers Jesus Christ I also went to see

the De Niro movie with whatever With He said that was good It was 30 minutes 45 minutes long for a lot of people Don't like that Anytime you talk to me about Indians

I fucking love it okay Whether they killed your uncle Or you killed them I want to hear the saga I don't want to just see a fucking bunch of savages shoot at each other That's why I really enjoy the outlawed Josie Wells.

I love Clint Eastwood, but I love those fucking Indians and how they portrayed themselves as savages. No, I haven't seen that in a long time. I have to go watch that again. I was saying that was something I was thinking about. It's also more than that. It's time for you to tick-top cocks up and get the training. I don't see you.

You know, and every week I check on you. Well, I had to go to church. I had to drive home. You know, that's it. Enough. You're 32 years old. whatever fuck you are. How old are you now? Me, 35. Oh, right, then get it together. You should, you know. But yeah, I had to drive home from the show.

I still took 60 million ago. Listen, you know, they don't know nothing. Your numbers are getting low. Your numbers are getting low. Anyway, I got a book signing tomorrow night. It's going to be great. I got a lot of fucking family people. I got a lot of North Bergen people coming down.

So thank you for coming now. Don't forget purchase is required. We're going to have a lot of savages there with stories. Remember, you stole my crabs one time. I don't want to hear this shit, guys. What do you got going on this week, Tarzano? Same night, Wednesday night, off the rails in Worcester, 8 o'clock. I have a fun show, a bunch of great comics from the Worcester and Massachusetts area.

I'm doing like 30 minutes. I'm really excited. All right. Well, I want to thank you guys. I want to thank Draft Kings and Better Help. And now for a word for my sponsor. God. Babel! Listen, it's a new year. I know, who cares? But you can make a resolution whenever you want. This fall, instead of jumping up and down with your friends on Sundays,

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dot slash Joey. I've been telling people for years. You've got to learn two or three languages. I know like any languages. All right. I used to be a Cuban James Bond. Anyway.