The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Epstein before the hanging

Episode Date: August 19, 2025

You never know what someone is going through is the motto of this episode of The Church of What's Happening Now. Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about putting yourself in other people's shoes, Joey discovering the term, "anti-woke comedian," and visiting his Mother's grave for the first time in nearly five years. SHOW NOTES: Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew for free. Just pay $5 for shipping. Press in promo code JOEY at ⁠https://www.bluechew.com⁠ Support the show and get 15% off your Bioma order with code CHURCH at ⁠https://gobioma.com/church

What's happened, beautiful people? Uncle Joey and Lee Syatt here for the Church New Testament. It's Tuesday, the 19th of August, Chip, Chip. Labor days around the corner. You can't dress them white no more and all that stuff. But anyway, we're here for another fun-filled episode. Also, today's five years ago today. I moved to New Jersey.

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Enjoy. This is going to change your life and your stomach and your toilet and everything around you. Ha! Kick this motherfucker at Neil Lee. What's happening?

You savages? Uncle Joey here. What's happening, Tarzan? I'm doing good. Are you taking Labor Day off? I don't know what I'm doing. What's wrong with you? He came here.

Are you excited for Florida? We got to do Philly first. Let's do Philly first. Then you got Labor Day, and then we'll burn that bridge when we get to it. I'm not even thinking of Florida. No? No.

I don't know how you do it. I could care the fuck less about Florida. I got a show Wednesday. I got a show Friday. I got a show Saturday. And then I got two more weeks of training. Then we got fucking Labor Day. And then we got Florida.

So Florida is not even on my horizon. Not even thinking. Don't even care. People call me now. Hey, can you go on the list? There ain't no list yet. Call me two days before. Bye.

I've been getting Facebook from all my friends in Miami that I went to McKinley with. And I'm like, I ain't taking no request right now. And then two days before, your phone's going to die. No, I'll die. I'll call them on. Half of them hit me up on Facebook. Right. I just can't.

Guys, I've never been able to do that. That is my weakness in life. I like to focus on what. in front of me. Because if you stuff, you ever see, and you know, all of us like sports.

How many times? How many times you got to play the Bulls, but you're talking about Golden State in the finals? And you're like, I'm betting against these motherfuckers because they're not focused. I don't,

it's so weird how people do not focus on what's in front of them. That's it. Today is Tuesday. Today's Tuesday. All I care about today is Tuesday. I got Jiu-Jitsu and I got Batchi.

tonight and anything else that comes in. But that's all I'm worried about. If you call me about Thursday, you know what I'm going to tell you. To go fuck yourself. And I do it to everybody now. It's over. Like I used to be kind of nice.

Like, yeah. No, listen. Because I don't have that time. I got a daughter. I got a life now. It's not like comedy's all I do. Right. But even when I knew,

I see these people on their schedules at comedy clubs. And then you talk to them and they'll tell you, oh, we had a bad weekend with George. No, because you're already advertising fucking Nick in September. Right. Keep Nick away from that fucking computer.

You should be just pushing George, George, George, George, if you want a busy weekend. But no, you're pushing the Smothers Brothers in December and a New Year's show. Nobody's even thinking about that. You know the economy sucks. Nobody's thinking that, well, let's go, nobody. All this pre-sale shit, unless you're the Beatles, that shit's, going to end. Because people are not going to decide what they have to do to the week of. Not even then sometimes. Usually it's like day of for people.

It's a day of. It's the week of. We live in New Jersey. Nothing gets called till Friday night in this town. Am I lying, George? And my lion neck? The week is the week. If you talk to people in Jersey, the week is the week. We just came back from the shore. Holy shit, there was a party. Okay. But the week is the week. But they'll tell you like, They'll start checking the weather Tuesday, Jersey people. And they don't know anything until Friday. So you got a show on Saturday. They're holding on.

And then it's going to rain. So now let's, okay, Georgia's at Atlantic City. How much is a hotel for the night? $500. We ain't doing that. You know, we ain't doing that. We don't even buy the ticket. We're dropping $500.

Right. And that's the thing, that people are going to call up and go, how much we're to hold up? Five, his ticket is one, one. That's eight. That's seven. That's without parking. You got to eat.

You got to throw some. dice and then you think about your vacation with the kids to Disneyland August and you're like fuck George we'll stay home and play Monopoly yeah so every week is very you know and this is the life we live in now but you like you've been like that pretty much the whole time I've known you is like you don't like I think we were planning on shooting the documentary and I was asking you questions about like where we were going to shoot and who we're going to and like I think eventually your wife are like, why do you keep asking these questions? Don't ask me any questions.

You do a lot, anybody does it a lot better when they don't have to ask me a question. But you do a lot better in life. With no questions. Yeah, like, what time is the show Saturday? I don't even answer that. It's two in the afternoon. Tell people that.

Two in the afternoon. Really? No. Then why the fuck did you ask? Right. You just fucking want to aggravate me. Right. Or give me conversation.

There's no conversation. Look straight ahead. Look straight ahead. I know. It's tennis. Make believe you're watching it. Just make believe. Give it a hard fucking try.

Do you do that now that like you're hearing? Do you just pretend like you can't hear people all the time? No. I'm to the point in my life that I can't hear at all. So you could talk to your green in the fucking face. And it's so funny because people say things to me and they look at me because maybe I replied differently to them. But that's what you get.

You hear music. You look at my face. Look at somebody's face. So whatever your fucking stupid story is, you're focused on it without looking on my face and the pain that this conversation is bringing me. Do you show it in your face when you're like just dying on the inside? Think of your face when somebody's talking to you and you don't know what the fuck they're talking about. If I secretly taped you talking to an Arab that just pulled in front of you and a guitar, what's the brothers? Howlao?

You don't know what he's saying. And same thing, if you sent somebody from Israel here and stood in my face and just started going off. That's the same thing when you're deaf. Right. So it's not that I'm deaf. It's, there's music on. It's over. That's it.

We didn't come here to chit-chat. I came to buy your drink and hopefully you suck my dick. That's it. That's, that's the bottom line. Am I lying? But no, like, it's just I can't hear if there's music. Right. No, I know that.

And if you're three people away from me, I just stare at you. Yeah. Good. No shit. Come on. I got the same thing I'm recording. It's like a button. I press.

Come on. You're like Woody from Toy Story and they just keep pulling a string? Yeah, I pull a string and it's the same conversation. Really? Well, nice to hear. Come on. So I think they're asking me something else. I'm like, come on.

And they're like, okay, you can't even talk to this guy. He's an idiot. No, I don't know what you're saying. I got to be honest. And even if I tell somebody, this is the funny thing. If I embarrass you and go, can I talk to you for a second?

I can't hear a word you're saying. Nine or ten times, what do you think they'll do? Say it again? No, they double up. Now they give me a bigger ear-beaten than the one before. Now my blood pressure starts boiling.

Because I already told you, I can't hear a word you're saying. Now you want to tell me more. You want to double up. I just don't even look at you anymore. I stop looking at you. I just look straight at at the bar like I was doing until you go away

or something happens because I'm fucking deaf I just told you I can't hear a word you're fucking saying it and they just want to say it they don't really care. New Year's I went out some guy kept talking until I just got up and walked away

and his brother-in-law came up to me he's like dog I'm sorry he's on shit and then he gave me a gram of coat and I gave it to my friend that's why he was talking to me like that and he didn't care it was the same story over and on. I saw episode number 300. You and Lee were fine. And then he had a drink and I saw episode three after eight times. I got to go to the bathroom and take a shit and stick it in my mouth. I do smell so you don't talk to me no more. Oh, I I'm very envious of like how you will just like yell at people or

just like I just let people I just let it happen to me. I feel I let it happen. You've all judge me. I've let it happen. You've witnessed me let it happen and then it just doesn't end. It's like a bad rape. It just doesn't fucking end. Like this guy hasn't come yet. 22,000 people come in a minute. This guy's been fucking me for 18 hours straight. You know what I'm saying? It's a it's the same fucking thing. Right. Like it's just, you know, after a while, the thing is, guys, even in my fucking cocaine days I don't remember lighten people up like that like I shut the fuck up

when I did Coke really I didn't say it yeah because at that point I didn't say much it was like the first 10 years then I burned that dopamine whatever the fuck that is and then I just got after a while you just shut the fuck out and let people talk I just let if I was with a girl and I was trying to get in the pants I knew she would it was like

I want a jih Tzu with a fat guy just run around them He's gonna gas out eventually. Just give him more Coke. They keep talking. But then you gotta watch because their jaws might be tired. So you gotta control the fucking... I don't know how...

It sounds like you did Coke like every time you described you on cocaine, sounds like no one else on cocaine. You gained weight. You didn't really like... You didn't really do much. You did it by yourself. Like yeah, like maybe it's like some women sometimes.

But like... No, but you gotta remember. I was up to 99 And that road stuff was great. But after I started dating Terry, it was like I had to do it by myself. Right. I had to do by myself unless I had a guy friend and who wants to snort coke with a guy. Really?

Look at your tities are four in the morning. Lee, you lost some weight around your ass. Oh, dude, do guys do coke together really or not really? Yeah, we're all hanging out. Me and George did pounds of coke together. Just sitting around watching MTV, Prince. What was that movie? Purple Rain, you know.

Some nights I'd come home. Like, I used to do, I love when a friend of mine comes home or we get together at two after a long night. Right. Like if I was at a bar, snorting, and I come home at three, and George comes home at three from the city. I love that conversation. That was always a great con.

And what do you got left, George? I got this, what I got left? And then at the end of the night, George, what do you got? I got another package in my pocket. And you got to work them to get that other. Come on, dog. Why are you holding out of me?

No, I didn't even know. I had it. I went to the bathroom to pee and it fell out of my pocket. Jesus. Are there any drugs like that are better alone or no? Did you like to do it with people? I like them all alone. Yeah. I like that some of them that, you know,

mushrooms are a lot fucking, they're a lot better with people. Yeah. You're doing something and all of a sudden you spin into the high and you're fucking, and now you say to yourself, I'm high. Right? You ever get like, you're like, I'm fucking high. but I'm around 20 people and we're giggling and nobody's gonna, you know, there's, even if an outsider comes over, you just laugh in their face.

You should start laughing. I love laughing people's faces. Oh, my God. You just, when they come over and they're like, excuse me, you know, and you're like, you have no idea. And that's why the most important thing for an actor, like I learned, is the scene before. And this is really weird because people don't understand this in life. When you get an audition side, our first scene is me and Lee arguing about the business. Lee, what'd you do with that truck last week?

I fucking washed it. What do you mean you washed it? It was supposed to be a transmission job. And then when you look at that scene, you go, okay, what's happening in that scene? He's arguing with Lee. He just said hello to George. George gave an egg sandwich, whatever. The theme before.

What happened the scene before? And you'll look for the pages, they're not there during an audition. Because you want to know that guy's state of mind before he walked into that room. I don't know if his cat died. I don't know if he found his wife with the mailman. I don't know if he found... You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. And this is the same way you have to think about lives and times, guys. I don't know where George walked off of. I might go up to George like I always do and go, what's up, cock's up, I hit him, and he'll go, fuck you, blah, blah, blah. I didn't know George got hit by a car. Right. And he's walking around with a wooden foot.

I don't know this shit. And when you're driving and that guy cuts you off. and you follow him and throw a pencil out of him and go, fuck you. And the guy pulls over and then he shoots you. Maybe his wife just got into a car accident and she was pregnant with a kid. Yeah. So when you're acting, you like make all that stuff up for the guy? You make it up, but you also want to see what he just walked in from.

I don't know what he walked in from. I don't know if on the way to work he stepped on a fucking piece of glass and got five stitches. I don't know. When he dropped his daughter off, she told him she forgot her lunch and they had to go all the way back home and now he's 55 minutes late for his meeting. All those little things,

and that's the same thing people should be considering of other people in life. Right. I don't know where George walked into. I don't know where Nick just walked into. And I don't know where you just walked into. So before I start fucking railing my hands up,

I want to observe you for five minutes. Before you come up to me, go, hey, can you have a picture? I just got here. Yeah. I don't know. You don't know where I came from. You come up to me, your six little goofy friend. Hey, can I get in a picture?

You don't know. You have to take a shit. I want people to understand what life is really about. I don't know. Joyce, pick me up at fucking Segovia. You know, hey, Joy, fuck you. I'm trying to make a fucking living here But I could always call George to pick me up

But on that particular day Something happened to George You had to get up early and go fucking Meet the fire department Or some stupid shit Right I don't know that Right

I don't know that I snap at people And I'm very wrong for doing it Because you don't understand What happens when I open up the computer in the morning That's why I don't open up the computer in the morning What happens when you do that? That's why I drink my coffee

and I relax and I enjoy my life and I think about my life and what I want to do and what I'm grateful for and then after all and then I write and then I smoke pot and then I fucking go on draft kings

and do the daily thing to see if I can win 300 fucking thing. Yeah, they have that new thing now game that you hit it every morning at the end of the week you win like 2000 whatever,

crowns, you know, I do that and then at the end of all that I'll go on social media and that's when the fun starts. Hey, fat man. You said less You know And you're like

Then I start thinking about him What did this guy What has he just walked out of Did his wife tell him He was a A little dick motherfucker That he got fired from his job That his wife commits suicide

So you always got to think that way It's not what they're doing It's why are they acting that way You know I tell George all the time Don't look at the comments Yeah that you told me that instantly You know what You can probably

Don't ever look at you know 90% of it might be good But there's always 10% of people that you don't know what happened with them They didn't get a job that day They wanted to be a stand-up comic and now you are and they don't like it Fuck you you fuck you know I've seen better fit Okay okay right I just did the garden three weeks ago but I suck Right I've done this but I suck if that's what you feel So you have to think about where

That guy was walking in from. What happened in his day? Did his mother break his fucking Lego? You know, his mother must have stepped on his Legos. He's 38, he lives at home. And that's the assumption you make. Right. You're like, this guy lives in his mother's basement.

No, it's grown guys like you and I that got divorced or somebody said something bad to them. And now you have success in that area or no success in that area. but they feel, look at, Doug, I don't even have to tell you. I just know from 10 years ago, the podcast comments, I could tell you what they are. Oh, yeah. Put this guy on, put that guy on, do this, do that, who's this guy giggling,

who's this, it doesn't matter. When you do a podcast and you do 10 years and you last, then you come seeing me. Until that time, oh, you should put more light. Oh, you should put a carpet. Oh, you should shut your fucking mouth. But you can't say that because I don't know where that coming from. Right.

You were saying, you were talking before the podcast, and the more I think about it, I think you're a thousand percent right, is that something shifted. It wasn't COVID. It was when Kobe died. That's when the world changed. And a month later, we got hit by COVID. Yep. Look at the date of Kobe's death, January 29th, one of those, February 1st, one of those.

The world, when I got home on the 405 that day, I lived in California for 23 years, and I never saw the 405 like that. Number one, it was empty. And there was a breeze. It was a wind, and the leaves were blown in a way I had never saw it. And as I was getting on the 405 headed home, I saw a little bit of smoke, and I heard all the ambulances and fire. And I didn't know what it was.

I got off by your old house, the 405 in that street there. Yeah, lowell canyon or something? No, before that. Oh, okay. And you shoot down, and I remember getting home. my daughter and my wife were at church I walked into the back I hit Yahoo I turned the computer on

and the Yahoo page just said Kobe Bryant Don helicopter and you could still hear it yeah you could still hear something was going on and I just remember the way the sky looked it was a cloud I landed at LAX that day was cloudy and that weekend

was very weird that was a very scary weekend for me because I my gig got canceled in November with Steve Simone. Okay. We were going to Atlanta. Right, right, right.

And we got canceled, and we had to remake the date. So I said, you know what? I don't want to fuck around and not make the date. Just give me Atlanta. I'm just doing that. No, well, you can't do that. You got, listen, I'm just doing fucking Atlanta. So I'm leaving Friday, and I come back fucking Sunday.

And that's it. We're going to focus on Atlanta. I own that date. As a man, I own the date. I got to fucking do it. Me and Steve left Friday night. Airport was fucking weird. And that's the night that I think I got on the elevator first.

That was my favorite story. And a lady came on on the elevator, fucking mangled, Asian woman. Mangled. Her hair was pulled, a dress, and that's when the beginning of COVID. No. There was something, because I didn't know about COVID until Vegas weekend, which was after. to Valentine's Day weekend.

That was the first time I heard about COVID because chemo was there, a dear friend of mine, and he's security for guns and roses. And he said guns and roses are canceled all their dates except one date in Mexico. That will not get canceled. The Mexicans do not care about COVID because they had like an Asian run.

Right. Oh, that can't happen. And that can't happen. So when I came back from there is when I was like, fuck, COVID is real. Like, this is real, you know. I love that you told her that you're not, take the next elevator. Take the next fucking when she came in the elevator. I'm going to get the fuck out of it.

But that was on the way out. But on the way back, we got to Atlanta. And there was tons of Chinese people. I kept thinking to myself, am I tripping on acid? Because first of all, this is a chocolate city. Why all these Asians landing here? And then when I got home was when, and then we got on the 405, and that's when we found out Colby was done.

but they took a shift and like remember everybody all of a sudden the lady the judge covered her mouth at a fraternity party 32 years earlier all the fucking we too started coming out women started remembering that in 1955 Joe Diaz bumped into them in elevator and that dog it was insane it was insane and I'm sitting there going I don't know what the fuck is going on like the world was just changing. And I'll never forget that this dumb girl that was a fucking cold core comic. I don't even know where she is.

They took a kid away from her. She snorted so much coke. That bitch was selling her eggs. We did a show one time. I don't think I stayed with you that night. I did a show in Seac Caucus. I had to go to Harmon Cove in the morning to do the Disney bus.

Disney wanted to try something. So they wanted you, if you did something in the city for Disney and you did the parking ride, they wanted entertainment for the buses. So I got a call for 75 bucks to do a bus, 75 each way. So you got two of them.

You went over and back. They were just going to do one thing, but you had to be there at 8 in the fucking morning. Well, guess what? I didn't sleep the night before. I was out all night with a package. And when I showed up to the job, I had a package. So I'm sitting down on the back of the bus

because they said the comics sit in the back, we'll put the microphone in the front. And as the bus is moving, you got to do comedy. This is a horrible idea. This is fucking... And you were standing up all the bus is moving? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no. Let's get to the fucking story of your hand in here. So I'm sitting on the bus and I meet this girl and I'm talking to this girl and she's looking at me because she knew what time it was. She knew what time it was. She's like, were you partying last night? And I'm like, yeah, can't you smell it? And she's like, oh, my God, what were you doing?

And I go, you know what I was doing? And she goes, do you have any left? And I go, yeah. There was no booze on the bus. I couldn't drink. I wasn't even thinking of doing it on the bus until I met this brought. So I go, hold on one second. I'm going to go in the bathroom and do a line,

and then you meet me and go in there. What was the other way around? They would take the package, go in there, and when you come out, give me the package, and I'll follow you in there, and you get out of the bathroom. It's a fucking bus. Two people didn't even spit in the fucking bathroom at once.

So I go over the package, and me and George know, Five minutes go by. Oh, no. 10 minutes goes by. 15, we're getting to the city. I'm about to get on fucking, well, I don't know if it's on stage. I'm about to stand next to the bus driver. And do a little fucking musical there.

And dog, I'm waiting out there. And I'm like, and when you're coked up, you're like, this bitch is doing all my coat. So I start pounding on the fucking door. I was going to say, I'm surprised it would last at 15 minutes. No, I'm a boom, boom, boom, boom. Are you right now? Maybe she OD, like the chicken boogie.

Like, remember the chicken booge in that? She had blood all over her face, and they just picked her up. And the guy's like, I don't know what happened. The guy smacks them in their face. Shut out. Shut out. This is the second girl that OD this week. Maybe you should get different stuff.

That was the best line of moving. Not stop doing it. Just get different stuff. So she finally opens the door, and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? And I go, where's the Coke? And she goes, right here. I was taking care of myself. So I took the Coke and she went out.

Never thought about it again. I think I gave her the rest of the package on the way back from New York. Never saw her again. Bumped into it to Ha Ha Ha ha. Where losers go to die. And there she was one night. Telling me about her kid,

the husband, the drinking, the drugs. Do you know this bitch? In the middle of all that stuck up and tweeted me. She goes, why don't you tell him about the time you busted into my bathroom door and fucking said?

And I looked at her on Twitter and I go, how about I tell them that you were doing coconut fucking back to my last fucking couple fucking grams and that's the story no response no she was fucking a skinny little ratty chick from long island that had done porn or something she was ratty and she had a kid she was like already like and i'm like you got a fucking three-month-old kid and she's coked up to the gills that kid is at home fucking drinking the bottle his jaws going from side to side it was just very weird

Yeah, I can't imagine But that's drugs Like this is everybody now Like you were The other thing you was talking about before the podcast Is you just Figured you just heard like heard the term Woke comedy for the first time

Well the last couple weeks People are going after all these anti-woke comments And I'm like Anti-Woke selfie days I was like I don't even know what these small mo's are talking about So this morning I woke up Since I got up early for that blood test

and I fucking just saw another YouTube video about anti-woke comics and the, you know, the Rogan's Fear. And I looked it up and I'm like, they're like three more comics making it to the anti-woke that have big specials on Netflix, Tom Seguera, Shane Gillis, and Matt Rife. And I'm reading this and I'm like, so these guys are considered anti-woke comics.

Wow. What do they consider you? A fucking old dickhead. You know, and now you have to give them a label now. Right. It's not blue comedy. It's not edgy comedy. You know, at the end of the day, it's just fucking comedy.

Just fucking say it. But they want to turn everything into a Republican, Democratic, independent thing now. They can't wait. They can't wait. And they're probably calling anti-Walks Republicans. And that's why I saw. Anti-Wolker for the Republicans and for the liberals.

No, something, yeah, like conservative. Yep. And I'm like, oh my God, comedy is for fucking everyone. Comedy is for it. Why do they, why do fucking white people have to make everything so much more difficult and just add intelligent words? And they're just, it's like this hurricane ever, ever. I got CNN.

What is it stand for? Scaring poor white people. It's going to be the worst storm in history. They got knocked down to a category fucking, fucking, How can one day, you see it in the morning, this morning when you woke up, what did you guys see on the news? On the computer page, three dead, ten shot in the Bronx. Three shot, ten dead in the Bronx. By one o'clock, it was mass massacre in the Bronx.

What do they call it? They called it something, that it really wasn't. It wasn't. Like that attack? No, you're in a bar in the Bronx. People get shot all the time in the Bronx. Nobody goes up there to do a terroristic attack or to shoot gay guys like in Florida.

It's the fucking Bronx. Somebody gets shot in the fucking Bronx every night or stabbed or hit by a car. That's what it means. The Bronx in Puerto Rican, you're going to get stabbed every fucking night. That's what that means, the Bronx.

But last night, I don't know if you got, you know, 10 people got shot in the Bronx. Three people were dead. And they're like mass massacre. They called it something else. A mass shooting. It wasn't a mass shooting. It was three spicks with the guns.

What mass shooting? You think they got together and talked to fucking, you know, the CIA, let's go up there and shoot. There are three spicks who drank too much fucking white rum. I don't even know. I didn't look into the article. It was a gang related? Yeah, that's what it is.

It wasn't no mass shooter. Nobody came in and they went to his house and he had a foot locker with a picture of 10 Puerto Ricans that he wanted. You know what I'm saying? Like jihad for Puerto Ricans. But this is the world we live in. This is the world we fucking live in there.

Everything's got to have a fucking name to it, to scare people. Right. To petrify people. Hurricane Evan. Didn't everybody not see that? The biggest storm will see in this century. Jesus! And I understand.

It might turn into something and the fucking riptides or something else. And then you got these fucking, You know, New Jersey is definitely the, what's the cute word for retard? Autistic. Autistic. That's like the pretty word in Jersey. They can't even say fucking autistic.

You know, you know. The cute word for retarded. You know, you could tell Jersey people is, and this is a rip-tie, and there's sharks down there. How many people have drowned since last week in Jersey? You said those are like five or six, yeah, Jesus.

Even after they tie, it's like anything else. But guess what? I think it's just like, it's like you have good heroin. And people want to die. Like they, you hear, right? Nobody wants to buy heroin that nobody dies on. You tell somebody you buy fucking Joey's toe, heroin, a five dollar bag, and your aunt died,

that shit's just going to sell like hotcakes. Everybody's going to go over there to see if they could die or they get high. And I think it's the same thing with the water. If you tell me that they, if you ever got caught in a rip die, if you ever got caught in a rip die, you'll know that it's not a game. One minute, it's me and you in there.

We just smoked a dude. We're looking at the girls. Hey, look at us. Espresso martini like a motherfucker. And we're out there. And we jump in. And all of some, we get up, and you look. And you're not even in line with the girls no more.

You're fucking 30 yards that way. And all of a sudden, you're trying to swim. But something's pulling you. And every time you move two, you go back five. You go three, you go back six. And next thing you know, your feet are off. And you're like me at the YMCA when I drowned. A little fat legs going back and forth.

Listen, at R.A. Those legs don't go back and forth for long. No. Okay? So you tap the fuck out. And kids were drowning. Like a kid's 16-year-old kid went down there last week. No lifeguard.

Look at me on Jack Daniels. What? That shit will take you like jaws. Isn't that how the Cosby Show guy just passed away? You know, I don't know the details for that. But it was, dude, it's, I've had it happen. I didn't get pulled away, but I was in the beach once

and it just kept knocking me over. Like that's when you can't get up. Like I've been moved but like when you kept getting knocked down. I got hit you with some medibles that you can't get up. You know what I'm saying? Two weeks ago. I don't know.

What I mean? Every fucking every week for 15 years waiting two weeks ago. Every fucking time I see you. I know you were upset after the last fucking massac. You were walking around all confused. I don't know how you do this. I don't know how you do it.

Every fucking every time I'm on the perfect match right now. I was on the road on Friday. I called you at 7.15 at night. I was like, what are you doing? And I'm waiting for the mushrooms to kick in. Which means at 7.15, they'd been in there for like an hour. I don't know how you'd do that.

Like waiting, I was dying having. I have nothing going on the whole fucking night. I thought I had something at 5.30. That went through because I did two workouts on Friday. I was in the fucking animal mood. So I went to the gym first and trained with Tom. Right. And then I got home at 11 o'clock, and I'm on, what am I going to do the rest of the day?

Well, I'm going to go to lunchtime jiu-jitsu like an idiot. And I stayed and I rolled against some guy, and he fucking tapped me three times. He's trapped me six times in ten minutes. Jesus. I was like, Jesus Christ. My jaw was hurt in the next day from choking me and shit. And I'm like, Saturday and Sunday, I couldn't move. So I said, fuck it, part of my recovery Friday night is to eat the rest of that bag of mushroom with Joshua came.

That's not recovery. That's fucking insane. saying, who gets fucking choked down? Like, what am I going to do? I'm going to get fucked up. Oh, my God. I worked out. I did everything I had to do all week.

I think I earned the right to fucking eat some mushrooms. And then I found the last 500 milligram of... I forgot about that. You just found them in your car. And I threw that down too. And I had two more or three more of those Chebichu's 50 milligram. And I threw those down too. I think that's why you don't need vacations.

You just fucking go fucking nuts. Two, three nights. What is it, two nights a week? No, but last Monday we didn't do edibles. No, I did eat a mushroom. I couldn't eat a mushroom because I thought I had the blood test Tuesday morning. I just didn't want no problems. At least I'm going to sleep, you know?

Right. I don't want them to stick a needle in my, and a mushroom comes out, and it's clogged. So I was like, I ain't eating no mushrooms. I didn't do anything all the week last week. I didn't even have edibles. I found a 500 in my car that had not melted, a little baggy in the centerpiece. But if I found it, I might have. eat a corner of it. Because you're a fag. That's why. Because you don't know that you don't believe in the

fucking, in the fucking mental thing of take a chance. Columbus did. I'm going to take this 500 milligram edible and I'm going to go find some way to do comedy. No matter how fucked up I am, even if it's a coffee shop, I'm going to go for a fucking adventure tonight in New York City. I go for adventures all the time. But it's just not 2,000 milligrams. I get fucking, oh, dude, don't say that. I go on, I tell people, because, and it's my, it's like a very minuscule version of you. I'll take a good joint or an edible and I'll smoke with people before shows and then they'll be like, I can't, or I'll take a puff. And like, I don't know how you, and I'm like, I have to, that's the training that I put myself through is I will go out and do mics or some shows high

because I know that when I do shows with you, it's not a choice. So I do it. It's just I don't do it to fucking, like, I just don't, you've never once, I'm surprised you honestly found edibles in your car because you usually don't keep them. But I always don't when I lose an edible and I know there's somewhere around. Like, you know what I'm saying? I'm one of those guys. I'm like, wait a second. I brought four edibles up there the other day, but I ate two.

So there's got to be somewhere. There's got to be an edible. And I just have it in my mind. And one day I'm driving, I look at the glove compartment, looking for something else. And I go, that's where it went. What do we have here? Do they affect your memory at all or no? I don't fucking know anymore, Lee.

Because people keep telling me that they've told me things, and I don't remember it at all. Yeah, because you're a dunce. You're not in training. That's why. No one has ever once said you need to take more edibles to remember things. Because the more edibles you eat, then you remember. See, let's say you write something when you hide.

Okay. No, let's say you hide something when you hide. Right. You're not going to find that thing until you're high again. So you've got to get high and then you'll find it again. If I write a joke when I'm high and I don't write it down and I forget it, boop, I throw some edibles down. And within minutes, boom, it comes back to me because I'm back in that state of consciousness, man.

I guess, Jesus Christ. I wanted to show you something. I just, I've told people. If you're going to show me, listen, my favorite is the black guy crackhead competition. Right. Yeah, that was a good one. And the black head with a fire. cracker and this guy. Right.

If they're not into that, then I don't want to see this. It's just a picture. It's not a video. We'll see him later. We'll see him later. All right. You know, you talked about something. Okay. I spoke to you that the most hate I've gotten in 13 years was the vacation. Right. I mean, people were emailing me.

Fucking, I went on my junk email. I must have found 10 emails. Fuck you. You fat fuck. You've never worked hard enough in your life. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, when you're a comedian, when you do what I do, what I do, or what Lee does, or even what George does, he's an artist in many facets of his life when he remembers. You, uh, listen, man, it's not about, a lot of people said that. You don't work hard. And I was like, obviously, I haven't heard my story. Obviously, they never wanted to care. They just, again, they just assume that you walk up on a stage or you call Joe Rogan and he gets your

spot on Netflix. People really think that, guys. People really think that, you know, oh, I do sale is your friend. Okay. You know, and it's not that. But the toughest thing about stand-up comedy is your mental. Stand-up comedy isn't about your feet or your arms or your hands or your material.

It's about mental. It's all mental. Because the number one mental aspect you have to deal with is how many fucking nose can I take before I just become a... Serial killer? Fucking McDonald's. How many nose can I take before I become a line cook

at a restaurant? That's it. Like, how many fucking knows can it take? So, part of stand-up is you've got to be a little retarded because people tell you know so many times. It's like that girl that tells you know, and you're like, I'm telling you'll be different this time. No, you're retarded. You're retarded.

not going to be different. You still don't have a job. You still live in your mother's basement. You still don't fuck. You know, it's the same thing. People have no idea the mental aspect of going for a movie and thinking this is going to change your life, going to do a spot at the Broadway Comedy Club, because this showcase means so much to you that you obviously might become something. People have no idea of the pressure that we put on ourselves or maybe no pressure. Like, that's why it worked for me because I didn't beat myself up about it. But when you get there, you know what you have to do. And you know the other side of that fence. It's like politics. You're either going to win or you're going to lose. There's no second fucking place.

So when you start campaigning, I want you to know that there's two sides of this. And the same thing would stand up and construction. Construction, yes, I have to measure and mix mud and deal with people and carry stuff and wheelbarrows, and I get it. But you know what? A mule could fucking put a board up. You know what I'm saying? Like, I've done construction work. Right.

And I know that when I got high, I could do anything. And I'm not putting anybody down here. But I want people that didn't like the vacation stuff. Comedy is very mental. You get headaches. You fold up some days. You know, he just fold up some days, you know, where you don't want to do anything. Right? You just go like, today I'm not doing anything.

Fuck Joey Dears. Fuck Mitchie Shaw. Fuck everybody. I'm just smoking pot. It's like when you get home on a Sunday. The reason why I don't want to fly anymore to do comedy is because Sunday. I don't care about Friday. I don't care about taking pictures or smoking dope or eating food or a show running late.

Sundays is for me. I've done my fucking job. I've done five jobs, all them, all five shows. They've all been sold out, and I took pictures of everybody, the audience member. It may not look like work to you, but you smell 250 fucking people after a show and let them put their armpit on your arm. It wears on you, guys. All this stuff wears on you.

So your mental has to be in shape constantly. You have to, you know, and that's part of lifting weights. That's part of reading. You know, that's part of writing. There's so many things that have to go into this job. for it to be work. It's not just, I'm going on stage

and cracking jokes and I'm going to fuck some chick after the show. That works for three years. That works for three years. It's patience. It's looking at different things and going,

well, I'm doing a show there in February. I don't want to go there in March because then I won't sell tickets. Plus, I'll have the same material. No matter what that guy pays me. This is a business. It's just so much thought. Everything else is 10 minutes of your day.

It's like people say to you, you don't pay me to do stand-up. You pay me to fly. Right. You pay me for the bullshit I got to put up it at the airport and, oh, you don't have a first-class ticket. Go all the way and stand back there. I remember those days. I remember all that shit. And that's what stand-up comedy is. It's your mental. So you got to take care of your mental. If it means taking a few mushrooms every once in a while, just to see who the fuck you are. Just to keep you straight. For three weeks, you've been hearing how great you are. Right.

I don't know who told you. You ain't that fucking great. None of us are. Only one man is great. Jesus and the Jew who killed him. That's it. All right? Jesus and the Jew who killed him.

Those are the two greatest men that ever lived to me. Okay? They're both equal? Well, you know, they both had balls of steel. So when you start believing you're a Messiah and shit, you need to take some mushrooms and look at yourself in the mirror and go, I ain't shit. I'm just a lucky motherfucker that wrote some jokes, knew how to say them,

and idiots pay for me to do crack jokes, which is fantastic. It's a dream come true. But I don't ever want people to think that it's a mental struggle. Is that why the comments don't bother you because you heckle yourself? Like, it seems like you yell at yourself worse than they do. You do. You just said, oh, I'm just a lucky motherfucker. And which is true, but it's also not true.

Let's look at the fucking thing, okay? Let's look at what goes into everything. Whether you're Aaron fucking judge, there is some talent. There's a ton of talent. You can have all the talent in the world. We're in the World Series. Or make it to a playoff. You can have all the talent as a fucking,

for years I had a ton of raw talent. But I was making the back of the room laugh. The rack of the room don't pay your bills. No, that's bad. It's the front of the room that pays your bills. So I had to learn how to stop making the back of the room laugh and go for the front of the room. And these are all business decisions, but they're all mental thoughts.

When your fucking girlfriend tells you that the baby, she's had a stomach for six months, fell out in the kitchen while she was making breakfast. And you're on your way to Chicago to do two shows. You think Chicago gives a fuck about your dead fucking baby? And I'm sorry to put it that way. But this is the reality of what we fucking do. Yeah? Yeah.

Some people go, I lost this. I can't make it. My father died. I don't know about you, motherfuckers. This is a white dude. His name is Brett Faw. Best game of his life is the day his father died.

Look at the stats he put up. Look at the stats that Brett Farr put up the day his father died. Was he a sick two or no? Huh? Did he have a cold too? Or am I mixing Michael Jordan flu game with Brett Farr?

Shut the fuck. All right. You and George love to throw a fucking question in there. It's got another dude what we're talking about. Do they have the flow? 400 yards, four touchdown. Yeah, it's

father died. He found out like an apt-time. So that's a tough white man, whether he sent pictures of his dick to cheerleaders or whatever fuck. That's a tough not here nor there. Because that's an American person. That's what we're trained to be as American. Not all this other shit. I'll put a flag up and I'm Republican now. That that's not the plan of this. That's American. Right. It's looking at yourself and going, fuck your fucking funeral and I'm going to go and sing with people around them. No, I'm going to go do my fucking job. So whatever

Brett Farr did with the cheerleaders or the girl he showed his dicta went all out the window when he did that with me. Because that's what we're trained to do in whatever position we fucking tackle in our lives. Whether you're a fucking art framer, a

fucking politician, a comedian, or construction worker. Look at what he did. Yeah, he destroyed it. Okay? So you can tell me whatever fucking excuse you want. That's what killers do. Let's take a breather. I got to fix this fucking microphone.

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We're back, Savages. We switched seats. The studio's still the same. The place has changed a little bit. We were talking about a couple things that were interesting, but it's like, I don't know, I did a couple creepy things in 95. Not, nothing like that. I, from 94, honest, from like 93, to like 95, the last one being an altercation in a trailer. With a guy I knew for a long time, I was, for some reason, there's parts of your life when you just attract trouble. Okay.

It just follows you. There's something about it. It was just rough, you know? I had gotten into two altercations with a friend of mine, and then when I went to Colorado, I got into a couple altercations and I was on fucking like you know

if I got in trouble in Colorado I would go to jail for fucking 100 years I was thinking about it yesterday I poked the guy in the eye in Colorado at a fucking at a fucking Toyota store were you working there?

Yeah I was working there and we were talking about lunch and the guy kept aggravating me me and Vinnie Kaffee and he was all these Italian guys and we're talking about lunch and this is a guy that's a ballbuster and he kept saying, I'm not going to go there.

And it's like, guys, six people are going to go to that pick up lunch. Just get a sandwich. And the guy just was a fucking snob. Like, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I don't like those people. I don't even like New Yorkers. And I turned around, George, and I just fucking poked him in the eye.

And he was like, I'm calling the police. And all the guys, the manager told him, no, no, no, I'll give you a Saturday off. What are you, like a three stooges style? No, like, two fingers right in this fucking eye. Like, shut the fuck up. I just went deep in there. And that motherfucker, and then the one that hurt me the most was March of 95

when I smacked my ex's boyfriend. And my daughter was in the car. Well, my ex-daughter at this point. And that was what dawned it. That was what let me know who I was. It was when I smacked him and I turned around and she was really upset. And I couldn't understand why.

Like, your dad just smacked somebody who's been busting his balls. Right. But she didn't look at it that way and in her world, she couldn't comprehend it. And it really broke my heart. And I remember at the time I was going to Europa Institute because I was so confused with this divorce and stand-up

that I was like, I'll try anything. I'll try anything. Buddhism, I fucking became, I got my confirmation at 32. It was just rough, guys. I had forgotten who the fuck I was. with the divorce and stand up and fucking being broke and, you know, and I was just foaming at the fucking mouth of people. But after that, I remember a guy, I learned something there,

and the guy said that sometimes you have to think about not what you did, why you did it. So for years, I broke those incidents down. I mean, guys, for years, I would write in a notebook about why I acted that way. Like what made me... And for years, I was always a decent guy, but when I kidnapped Vela,

after the kidnapping and imprisoning shit, a different side of me came out. And then the shit went down my ex-wife and a real different side of me came out. I was just a walking fucking animal, you know? But that was like a four or five-year period that I really thought about, not that I hit the guy,

but why? What was going on inside of me? It became like a fucking mission in my life. And then I extended it to everything. Why I robbed, why I robbed certain people, the things I did, I broke them down for every situation. It was not an excuse. It was not an excuse for them. Half of those things, the first thing I wrote was, you're a piece of shit and you're a thief.

But why? What made me do those things? And that's what I think about now with people. Like, that's why I just don't understand sometimes. It's like when I tell you guys, guys, don't bother me with stuff because you guys have no idea what I get in the house. You know, you guys told me a couple weeks ago, some kid was doing a show by my house.

And he texts George, he typed Nick, and he texts you. That's all, that's insanity. That's insanity. This guy wanted me to go do a show and get people in so he could do a show with comics I never met before. Like, it's just insanity that people would do that, like reach out and stuff like that. And you ask yourself,

before I call them, like 15 years ago, I would have called them and said, you ever text George, I'll break your fucking finger. Okay? You ever break George, I'll break your fucking finger. Okay? But no, I go, what makes you do that? I remember when I was that comic.

I remember when I thought somebody was going to save my world. So I'm not mad at the kid. Do you understand how I apply things? But, guys, you don't understand. what comes into my world on a daily basis. And sometimes they go away and then they come back. It's like they all call together. This week, I'm going to take the week off from Joey Diaz.

It's your week. You know, and you can't, you think people are putting you on. And that's what I ask. Like when one of you guys does it to me, that's why I say to you, come here, are you fucking putting me on right now? A little bit. You cannot be saying this to me right now with what I've been through. So, you know, and that's a question.

That's very important sometimes. Don't dwell on what you did. Who gives a fuck? It's done already. It's done. You cross the street and you ran over the kitten. It's done. You can't bring the cat back.

Let's just think about why we did it. What was going on in our world? What happened the moment before? Well, do you think, like in hearing you talk about it, like, how much of it boiled down to anger? Because like I this past year I'm not and I don't need to go into it but I had like an issue where I was like the angriest I've ever been And it like physically changed like it was not good Anger is it's something backwards

Okay so something like anxiety is anger backwards something like that But anger is caught listen man when you have no money you just want to do stand up You just want to do good listen I didn't want to do anything bad I didn't want to snook coke I didn't want to rob nobody I just wanted to stand up, and I just really wanted to be a dad. Did I want to be Martin Lawrence or be a rich kid? No, I wanted what Lee wants. $1,500 a week, give me 40 weeks.

Get me to fuck out of here. I got no family. I got no mom, no wife, no kid. What am I doing here? I might as well learn how to be a comic and do the road. Fuck hookers, get HIV, get fucking herpes, get mouth sores, throw polyps from eating pussy. If you're going to be a comic, do it.

If you're going to walk on ice, you might as well dance. So it wasn't, I wasn't thinking about anything. I just wanted to be a dad. I knew I didn't have money. I knew I didn't have half the things dad's at. But I just needed a little break. And now, on top of it out, I've got to pay child support, and I got a fucking woman who knows me,

who's attacking me every time I see her. How long? How long? How long? Until what? You snap? Until anybody snaps. Yeah.

How long when all those things meet, you got no money, all you want to do is frame the fucking three pictures a week. You know, that's frustrating, but frustration is the cousin to anger. Dude, it affected me. I know, it affects everybody. My chest was tight, my stomach was in a knot, and it was like, and you had no patience. You didn't have, I think that's what it is.

I had zero patience for anything. You cannot be saying this to me. I'm to that point in my life that I hope you're not putting me on. Are you putting me fucking on? You got to be putting me on. This has to be a candid camera moment. Tell the people with the cameras to come out. Come on.

This can not be happening in my world right now. And it happens. And it happens. But I made my bed and I accept it. So before I go at people now, it's always what was their moment before? You do seem like in the five years, like you are like a little bit more zen about a few things.

Talk, LA, those last 10 years in LA were real. The first 13 were nothing compared to the last 10. That's why I saw this shift. I saw people who wouldn't look at me, start talking to me now. You know what I'm saying? Like after the longest yard, like I told Lee, Lee, right now you've got to go to commercial agent.

Forget about improv class. Just got a commercial agent. And go for everything. They send you on a fat guy who jumps into Hudson. I know you don't want to do it. Do it. Because once those bookers and those comedians and those comedians see you doing a commercial,

they know you might have a chance now. Right. Now is the time that let me jump on him because he got a commercial. God forbid he gets a movie after that commercial. That's a different door. Listen, when I was doing stand-up, sorry, Charlie.

I knew I wasn't going to make it to the stand-up door. I just knew. I just knew. I was a zero when material wasn't. I didn't have the stories down. I wasn't even thinking of storytelling. I'm not going to want an idea, and that's why I started getting into movies

because I was going to go into the back door. Maybe as an actor, I'll get more stand-up, and then my stand-up skills will come out. I'll take a shot. I'll take a fucking knock. I'll let people think I'm an actor, but once they come see me, do stand-up, they're going to know I'm a mystery show.

product. You know, that was the way I looked at it because I already knew as a stand-up, I was not going to get through the door. Did someone tell you that or you figured that out? I fucking knew it. You know it. After, when nobody wants to sign you as a comedian, when a comedy agency doesn't want to sign you, whether it's, in those days, there was, yeah, there was a big three, but you had five medium ones that they booked you, they got your movies, you know, Eisenstadt, those type of people. They were great. When everybody passes on you, at what point do you not start being realistic and go, okay, I got to set up a plan B. I'm not going to quit doing stand-up. I'm not going to quit framing. I'm not going to quit politician. I just got to think

of a different way. I'm going to stick on my course, but I got to think of a different way. This ain't working. I like for it to work. Everybody wants to be the big comment. Hey, he's like Pride. Hey, he's like George Kopp, but that though wasn't the case. So you got to take plan B. There's traffic on the turnpite. You got to go through the parkway. Right? There's traffic on the fucking parkway. You got to take. Which way did you take together here, Joey? I don't know. The 78.

There's no traffic somewhere, and that's where you're going. But that's like the frustrating parts. At least with traffic, there's a GPS. With this, it's just like... It's based on honesty. Utterly and truthful honesty of everything that you do. You cannot sit there and bang your tape recorder.

What's going on, Lee? This ain't getting the calafter. Lee, there was no laughter. You didn't get one laugh. What laughter are you looking for? I had that. I had a guy tell me once. Dog, it's not picking up the laughter.

You're delusional. There was no laughter. I knew when I... Listen, right now you were... You guys all know baseball. You're a baseball player. You're 0 and 11. What do you do?

I don't know. Do you quit? Do you go in your head and go to the batting cage? and restruct, you're going through a slum. Nothing you can do. All the great ones go through them. From Pete Rose to Clemente,

everybody's been through a slum. It's the people who go home and start swinging at three in the morning, you're done, you got in your head, you lost already. What's the problem? Why aren't you hitting? Look at your stance.

What's going on in your life? Again, the moment before. Is this bitch threatening you to leave? Is this bitch telling you that she might be pregnant and she's missed the period. What's going on? There's a fucking square root to this. And it could just be you're not sleeping right.

But in the meantime, you've got to keep swinging. I don't want you to get in your head. I just want you to be honest with yourself. You know what? I went up against three lefties and they intimidated me. Nobody ever wants to come clean when they get intimidated. Nobody wants to be a pussy in their own eyes. But guess what, guys?

It happens. when I bombed seven times in a row, you know, there was weeks where I bombed on a tour. A whole week. Oh, the one you saw me with, with Ari, in San Francisco. Oh, yeah. I was 0 for four. Bro, four bombs in a row. Headliner, podcast, comedy store, dog, four bombs in a row.

Leads my witness. And Saturday night late, I go, I ain't going to bomb. Either. I'm going to bomb, or they're going to walk. I'm gonna push their buttons. There's no looking at your set. There's no rearranging your set. Go out there and lay your soul on the line.

And watch what happens. What happened? That's a great show. That's it. I was coming off of four fucking bombs. Not bombs at the comedy store. Not bombs at Tina's coffee shop. Bombs at Cobbs Comedy Club,

the A Club in San Francisco. Four fucking bombs. Thursday, two Friday, and the early show Saturday. What do you feel like? What do you feel like? Like jumping off the bridge. Okay, then.

Everybody feels that way. But once you get in your fucking head, and again, the moment before, why did I bomb? Right. Bro, remember that show I did at that place, tonight after Christmas? But I hated the show, I told you I bombed? Yeah, yeah. The other day, my buddy said he went to get tickets. for something, and there was no tickets left.

So I go, wait a second, I haven't even post that gig up. So when I went to the ticket, the tickets haven't been posted yet. I go, don't, what are you looking at? I called him back, he's in Colorado. I called him back, and he goes, go to this page. Look, you're there, and I'm doing a theater in Colorado. I'm like, no, that's not me.

And he's like, yeah. Oh, just fake all around. Oh, my God. I was looking at the Tickertron, I saw comments. They were all good except the first one. Went to see him December after Christmas. At Red Bank, it was the worst show I ever seen. I go, thank God I had one honest person.

I was happy as fuck when I saw that. I'm like, you see, I don't lie to nobody. I know when I bombed. I know, and even if they were laughing, I know when I bombed. And I'm not, that's the number one thing. You know, listen, things aren't happening for you. Are you working too much? Are you not working enough?

Are you really putting yourself into that? I mean, and that's it. That's with everything. This is not just some fat fucking felon that figured it out. This is everything, guys. I always refer back to Boston against Cincinnati Reds.

One of the best players on the Reds was, I think, oh, and fucking 16. going into game six. Oh, and 16. And the World Series, you've played baseball all your life from fucking Cuba. And here you are in the World Series,

oh, and 16. And in game six, he got like a single that three men scored. So secretly, he won that fucking game. And that's what it takes. It's how much can you take and show up the next day?

That's got to be a tough mind. Oh, yeah. That's fucking tough, bro. Like when you do comedy or you write papers, for a living, you know, you don't know what's going to happen. Or even, like, right, everyone else now. All I keep hearing on the news is it's the worst job market in history.

Like, you know, how many times can you apply to a job? You don't hear back. They don't say shit until you go rob some. Or, like, you know, I don't blame people. Like, it's... Until you rob. Or do something. Or, you know, you're going on only fans and sell pictures of your tits or something.

Listen, I would... And the thing about the job market is that... The game has changed, and people have let the game change. I'm old school. You want a job? You fucking show up. They'll fucking call the cops in you now. Okay?

No, no, no, no, no. It won't. Charlie Sheen got through the gecko. Okay? Charlie Sheen got through the get-go. Okay? Don't tell you. That's the problem.

That's the fucking problem. Listen, I know as an actor, if I go to Sony, I'm not getting in there. If I go to 20th Century 5th, or whatever, Fox International, CBS, I'm not getting in there. But there's individual casting directors that have offices. And there ain't no security in those buildings. And they got a mailbox. And you know what?

They love canoles. That's true. You bring three canoles where you buy it on your resume and you go, I know you have this role, or I know you have a position in fucking plumbing or whatever the fuck it is. You know, when I was a kid, you could walk up to a construction site. every day. You got a job today?

No, kid, get out of here. Hey, you got a job today? No kid, I told you yesterday. I'm going every day. Kid, come here. You still want that fucking job? Yeah. I still want the job. Now, I got to call HR and fill out of paperwork and go piss in the bottle. You know, they really want you, but it's like, how long does it take to put me to work? I was talking about yesterday. When I came for this job on a Monday morning, I'm open to start today.

Let's worry about the piss test later. Who knows what's in there? You know what I'm saying? Who knows what's in there? But now it's every distraction for you not to get a job. A couple years ago, I'm not going to lie, nobody. I was under the impression that I was going to walk away from this luxurious life and get a job selling appointments on the phone.

And when I would get the ads from different companies, I made up a fake bio, basically all sales. And I would send the, you know, and I started clicking like everybody else in America, and you don't hear nothing. You're not going to hear nothing. That click goes into a bunch of envelopes, the same envelope that you send your pictures

to that cast and director for the movie. They're not going to open that. They'll open it if you walk it in, and you have a smile on your face, and you're shaved and you're articulate. Don't open it. All these people that send things and expect things to happen,

good luck. Your percentages go down and when you click, that goes into a junk box. They already know who they want to hire. They just got to post a fucking job. Yeah, you're 100% right. 100% right, not another 10 times. But you convince him.

You could show up with your fat, fucking lazy ass. I got to talk to HR. My wife worked here in 78. Okay. That's part of the hustle. Yeah. You know, and people refuse to do that. It's called laziness.

Call laziness. But you want to do. go on a vacation. Right? That's what you're telling me. You want to go on a vacation, but that's laziness. How many people are walking around? I got out of college, I can't find a job.

Why are you embarrassing your family? Why are you embarrassing the people who put you through school and the loans you took? So you're just settling and going to get a job as a waiter and wait? That's what you're telling me. You're going to be a waiter all your fucking life. People do get stuff. for sure.

No, you're going to get stock. That's crazy. You're going to get stuck. These are all the things that we have forgotten. The stock market is, I mean, not the stock market, the job market. You can tell where you're going to a, I've just read an article about Miami restaurants. Not good this summer. One of the toughest restaurant seasons they've had in Miami ever, ever, ever, you know.

Well, look, I don't know if you've even seen this. At like some drive-thrus now, they have, like, AI will take your order. They have that. They have AI. They'll do everything for you now. So all those jobs are gone. You know, man, I went to McDonald's

the other day. Every once in a while I crave one of their coques. Just every once in a while it's hot. The other day, I was doing something on Saturday or Sunday. And I go, let me go to the drive-thru and get a soda. $2.10 for a nice ice-cold Coke. the guy who handed me the soda, he had no idea where he was.

He was fucked up? No, no, no, no. He was just, if they gave him that job, the next thing would be maybe, I don't know. Like, he couldn't get a job doing anything else except that. Like, he had a hard time with the Coke.

It was, it was, yeah, it was 202, and I gave him two pennies. Uh-oh. And you should have seen him. A grown fucking man. And he wasn't in his 20. guys. Wasn't a college guy. No, he was a little older. And have you noticed since COVID, the value of the people that you deal with has gone down. They're missing teeth now at Shop

right when you walk out or they're not the people that used to be there. They've gotten like the bottom of the barrel, half of these service industry people. There's a lady at my Italian ice place. I didn't even go back there. She's so ugly. Fat. Even my daughter was like, I don't want to go back in there. That lady scares me. Oh, no. Yeah. Because I would never hire her for a food service industry. Not in the front. Right in the front. She's got to be 400 pounds.

Fat jelly rolls everywhere. You know. I did have, in Memphis, I went to a barbecue place with my buddy, and I wanted to get some sauce to bring home. It took probably 15 minutes for them to get me a bottle of sauce. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You threw them off.

Memphis, they're not passing GEDs out there. So Sunday, Saturday this week, I was, I had a rough time last week. My wife went to Tennessee and she came back with attitude and I don't know what's going on. And I woke up a little lost Saturday morning. So when I'm lost, I always say,

let me take a ride to the old neighborhood. So I went up to my old neighborhood. I drove around Charles Court. I drove around, I parked in front of my old house. And I sat there for a little while. and then I did something I haven't done in four and a half fucking years. I went actually drove into my mom's cemetery. And it's so weird.

North Bergen has Weehawken Cemetery. And then on Tunnelia Avenue, they have Hoboken Cemetery. But there's no North Bergen Cemetery. Hoboken Cemetery is on Tunnelia Avenue. And Wehawken Cemetery is on 38th Street. Anyway, so I drove over to my mother's grave, and I was upset because I hadn't been there four and a half years. I went in there during COVID.

and I think the fucking lawnmour guy took the fucking year off and I swear to God, I stepped on my mother's grave and it was like deep grass and I could see like a snake in there and I'm like, what the fuck did my mother do? Why is the devil? Why is there a snake?

And I don't know if it was a snake or that. I just felt something in there. Somebody had stole her candle churn like a churn that I paid for. Somebody ripped it and broke it, you know. And I'm like, you know what? I'm not coming back up here. and I didn't until this Saturday

and I went back there and I couldn't find her a bunch of trees grew like trees right out of the fucking plot but you can't fight it's right over the fucking and I'm like I'm never gonna see my mother again

they got the trees blocking her now for sure I'm never going to see her again and I saw Pedro Diaz he's a kid from Union City that played for St. Michael's and they fucking he was fucking some woman that was dating a drug dealer

from Miami. This was what the fucking Mario Lito started coming. He was fucking a Monte delito's girlfriend and they shot him in half right in Union City. He died maybe two weeks before my mother.

So he was always like, I thought he was on this line and then I had to go to this line and she was in here somewhere. That's where the fucking tree was. So I'm like, fuck it, I lost my mother. So I fucking went by Pedro Diaz

and also, there's my mother right there. She was four down from Pedro Diaz. I'm telling you. He only died. There's two kids that died. There's another kid at the end. Julio Rodriguez.

There's another kid at the end. His family was involved with the steak place you like in Union City, 54th Street. The fucking steak sandwich with the onions where you park. Dos Amigos. His family, the original family. That was with his uncles. He jumped off to George Washington Bridge. So it was him, Pedro Diaz, and my mother.

I still remember the chick that used to fuck Hulio. And she came to my house with Poppo. She was dating a friend of my family friend of mine, Jose Torres. And I asked her, I go, I see in Julio down in seaside. She goes, you didn't hear what happened. It was August. He goes, he jumped off. He had gotten a scholarship.

It's like Nebraska from Union City. And now they're uncovering it. They said that the mob threw them all because he owed money for gambling. That reopened a couple of years ago. Because somebody reached out to me, they're like, you see what's going on with him? Because they were like, why would a kid jump off to church? George Washington Bridge. But anyway, I found my mother.

It was beautiful out there. It was 90 degrees. I went to the back and ripped out one of those baseball chairs, and I just sat there and got some vitamin D. I didn't have a number, so I couldn't smoke it with it. I wasn't thinking I was going to be there. But it was just great. But the thing that amazed me about sitting at my mother's grave

was that I made it. Because I remember going there going, they're going to bury me right next time. And I thought about all the times I went, and my aunt doing coke at the fucking cemetery on Sundays or praying for my mother and doing coke rocks and sprinkle them on the grave. And I'm like, and then she would open up like a bottle

of fucking Chivas, Regal, and split that on the fucking grade. It was tremendous. And then from there, I said, fuck it, I'm going to go and see you idiots, but I stopped at the Mexican place. And I got lunch by myself in there, not bad. Yeah, not bad at all. I got the chicken enchiladas. with corkeys

where a place I've been telling you I want to go to and then I was going to go to cliffside to see George but they closed the street the street was closed so I was like fuck but I can't even go by a shop and surprise them so I just went home why do you think it took you so long between going to see your mom

because I thought the devil had moved in snakes and bushes and shit I was like what the fuck is going on with that grave And I had a friend who was involved with funeral parlors and shit at the time. And I went to see him and I complained. And he called the place. And I said, tell him. I'm the one that gives him $100 every time I go there.

Every time I go see my mother. I see that Mexican guy and I give him $100. Clean around my mother. Make sure she's warm. You know what I'm saying? Little things. I'm not looking for much. Right.

It's not like I'm telling you to put her in the bathtub. Just put some rocks over there from time to time. You know what I'm saying? I'm not looking for much. The fucking guy takes my money. He's like $12 and $1 one year. Didn't do a fucking thing And then they broke a fucking lantern

So I'm sorry Me bringing this on you What I'm trying to tell you is Don't bury your parents Burn those motherfuckers Jesus Pre-made them Don't fucking keep them around

That's no Bueno That's cost money You burn them You get it over with You dump the ashes at the bar Whatever the fuck your mother suck dick at And you move on with your goddamn lives Have you

You're 60 now I'll never forget it When both my parents turned 50, they started, like, explaining, like, they had their, they have their deaths planned. At, like, they showed me where the will was. They have the plots bought. Like, I don't know. Something about 50, they were all.

I'm not telling them, I'm not right in the will. I just tell them mercy. If I'm still, if you're still alive, take care of George. He's retarded. Give lease of money. That's the whiff? He's retarded. If my cousin calls you don't give her a fucking dime.

If you got a mystery half uncle, fuck him too. I already told him. She's like, really, Dad? Yeah, don't give him shit. He's not good. He's not good. Not Bueno. Mercy's in charge of the will.

George always take care of. Do not deny my fucking nephew. Do not deny my cousin and do not deny Mike Roney. And you're going to throw a lube something, too. Who's loop? Don't worry about. I'll leave you his number of a piece of paper. What does she say when you say stuff like that?

Does she like... She says I'm weird. fucking pissed me off. Listen, man. Again, I love when people send me things, Joey, you got no teeth. I'm 62. I don't need no fucking teeth. They're overrated by this age. I got pudding. I got rice pudding. And I got carved out. I don't need no fucking teeth. I'm getting my teeth fixed, guys. You know, you don't know that I'm old. People think, like, I don't know that I got white hair, and my hair's falling off at the speed of light. I know all these things. It's not like I got fucking fancy pants on with a neck tattoo,

trying to pick up young chicks. It's not what I'm looking for. I'm old, and I know that. Have you thought about, like, trying to chant, maybe get the hat, everything you've made fun of for a while? I wouldn't fucking go against my word

if you fucking bade me. As a matter of fact, I like this beard. It looks like Epstein before he hung himself. There's the same beard he had. Remember he took that picture Epstein? Like, he's like,

you know, the mug shot? Yeah, it's the same fucking beard before he hung himself. I like this look. Epstein before the hang it. That's what this beard is called right now. That's the name of the episode. Epstein before the hanging, you know what I'm saying?

A little something for the Jews and the pedophiles out there. So what do I got this week? Wednesday, I'm thinking of doing the open mic up at fucking dojo. Thursday, I have nothing. And then Friday I got a secret show. I'm going to pop in on. But I can't tell you until Friday. And I just got another fucking show.

show a birthday party on Friday night, down by an owl, and they're getting the band. And I forgot, I thought it was next fucking Friday. So on the Saturday night, we got Philadelphia and sold out, but fuck, it show up and just cheer, just gamble. You know what I'm saying? We might pop through this weekend. We might pop through.

It's time to play some fucking dice and some other activities. What do you got going on in Lord of the World? I have to be. I'm going to be, if you see me at the podcast conference, I'll be there Tuesday on Thursday. I'll be at room 52 on the Upper East Side. And then... This week?

Yeah. I thought you're going to Dallas. I come back Thursday. Oh, shit, all right. Stay black. Have a great week. And we'll see you next week. Tip, Top Magoo.

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