The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Eric D'Alessandro is relentless

Episode Date: June 10, 2025

Welcome Eric D'Alessandro to the Church everyone! This week, we learn about Eric's stand up journey from LA, to Austin, and now back to hjis home of New York, talk bombing with a man bun, the freedom of the early internet and much more! Eric's special, I Don't Undeerstand is available on Hulu. Download Cash App Today https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/kbq322rz As a Cash App partner, I may earn a commission when you sign up for a Cash App account. Get Huel today with this exclusive offer for New Customers of 15% OFF (Minimum $75 purchase) with code CHURCH at https://huel.com/CHURCH

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Tuesday morning, June the 10th. It's Frank Scolari Day in Hudson County. Anyway, we're here with the Church New Testament coming at you on a beautiful day to be alive. Kick it, Lee. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, making money moves should be easy. That's why there's cash app.

Cash app is fast and safe. No extra hoops to jump through, no extra stress. All the tools are right there in front of you. to help you cash in. It's very easy to get started. You don't even need a bank account. All you need is your phone number or an email address. I love cash app. My wife uses it for everything. It's secure and they're about to send money to a sketchy account. Daryl let you. The other big guys don't do that. Listen, for a limited time only, new cash app users can use my exclusive code to earn some additional cash. For real, there's no catch. Just download.

Cash app and sign up. Use my exclusive referral code. Church, C-H-U-R-C-H in your profile. Send $5 to a friend and within two weeks, 14 days, you'll get $10 dropped right into your account. Terms apply. That's money. That's cash app. We're back like herpes. What's happened? It's a beautiful Tuesday morning. What's up, Lee? How was your weekend? Oh, one of the best weeks ever. That's, dude, I got to be honest, side splitters, I think is my number one club for me. You love it now. It's, it's, and I'm sure you remember, but like, it's the first club that really took a chance on me. So, like, to me, I would, I would do anything for them.

It was, like, a seven show week. It was the best, it was like one of the best weeks I've ever had. So cool. Seven shows. Not all of them went well. Not all, I'm not saying all of them were great. They're not supposed to. But it was, it was.

I learned a lot I got to see Greg Fitzsimmons which was awesome I got to do the radio two days in a row which was really cool it was like a little mini like training camp it was awesome

it was and like people came out some people came to two shows which was really cool it was just I got heckled by a little person which was really fun it was it was a fell

oh I did I got the report and fell on the stage oh they had they had these edible drinks and I was running up It was the first The headlining show on Saturday, the early show

And I just, for the first time ever Just like kind of, I didn't, I just I put my foot down and it just didn't really And I ate it And you know what's funny? I just saw Last week, there's a clip of Ralphie Doing some sort of late night set And he eats it

And he goes, and he, as soon as he stands up He goes, that was the funniest thing To tap on another show in a long goddamn time And then immediately I do it So yeah, it was Anything that could have happened, it happened. It was awesome. Well, for me, I got to be honest with you.

This podcast is called the church of what's happened now or next generation or the next chapter, whatever the fuck we call it. But this podcast is basically, should be called the education of league. And as a fucking guy that watches everything, I think last week, your behavior, the way you looked at it, everything,

I'm very proud of you. Thank you. Thank you. You went A to fucking Z across the board. You made the video coming out of the ocean with those fucking hairy shoulders. You're like a Jewish fucking wolfman. Oh, I know. I turned down like 200,000 in ads last week.

They want to send a chick to come in here and sandblash your shoulders. Another company wants to shave your shoulders and make you a wig. It's, it's, we got so many fucking offers for your shoulders, but you got to knock it off. You got to have the chick double time. shave your shoulders. Dude, it doesn't work. It doesn't work. It doesn't work.

It's everywhere. My friend bumped into you in the ocean. He thought he was getting fucking grabbed by a sea reef. Like one of those, you know, when I go down to the, I love the beach, right? Any beach, California, New Jersey. But the first time one of those vines wraps around my leg, I'm done. I'm done. I just turn around and run out of it.

That's it. That's my day at the fucking beach. But they said you had like tentacles coming out of your shoulders and shit, grabbing people by the neck. Dude, I have hair everywhere but my head. and it's fucking I don't you probably never saw that Tim Allen movie

when he was Santa Claus like he turned into Santa and he tried to shave and immediately grew back if I shave my back today by Thursday it's worse well keep shaving until you

turn into the Jew Wolfman I'm telling you right now I'm already the Jew Wolfman that's the name of this that Eric that's the script to write the Jew Wolfman he only comes out between 11 30 and a quarter of 12

that's it he comes out of they got a coupon. That's it. And he fucking goes back home. Tremendous. That would be amazing. But all honesty,

you sat in those rooms with all those comics. I think two weeks ago I sat on the podcast that you learned some good things from some bad people once in a one. It's very tough to digest, but you're like, the guy had three good qualities

and I took one of them. Like I learned from one of his qualities. Right. You had a lot of good comedians and a lot of bad comedians, but everybody laid an opinion down and you grasped it and I'm just really proud of you it took 10 years whatever let's say 10 years eight years whatever the fuck it's been but it's been great to see you grow as a human being

I mean these people don't know you were like a fucking deaf meat when I met you wouldn't even talk I gave you that can with the hash and that was it oh yeah you know people always blaming on the drugs sometimes drug open a motherfucker up And Lee needed to fucking, he hit that hash on that Coca-Cola can. And I just turned around. I go, there goes, that goes the old Lee, up in smoke. I heard coughing, his face was red. He was holding on like fucking, my lungs have never recovered from that one hit.

Like the kid from Cleveland last week, he was holding on to his throat. That was Lee. My wife was patting him in the back. The cat was holding him. But it's been a real pleasure to watch you grow. I always like watching people grow, man. I love catching somebody early and going, that motherfucker watches smoke.

And it's not the people that the industry pick. It's never the people that, oh, the 20 up and coming, those guys lose it. They're weak and white. They just fall apart. I'm in an article. I'm headed to Saturday Live. And then when they don't make Saturday Live, they crinkle.

That's it, you know. And you just did great, man. And, you know, I'm sure you're up for great things if you keep this pace up. It's been a little slow for you. But this shit doesn't happen overnight. because if it did, everybody would do it. Right. It's about the time when your wife tells you you're a loser.

You're about 48, and your wife's like, you know what? If you would have played the harmonica, you would have been in an orchestra right now. You still want to fucking crack stupid jokes with a bunch of drunk people and go to the corner. And it's just about when you're looking for a job. When you got that, you know, fuck it, I'm going full time, and you start looking that you get that call. And you never know when that call or what that's going to be, so you better be prepared.

Right. And I'm just... You better be prepared. That's it. It just means the world to me. I was talking to the owner of side splitters. And it's just for comics at my level, features and like, it's almost impossible unless someone takes a chance on you.

And like, you took a chance to me. Josh takes me out, takes a chance on me. But it's such a struggle right now to like get that opportunity. And I'm a lot luckier than most. So this is my second time at this club. and it's just you know and I've heard you talk about it

like when people aren't giving you the chance when someone finally does like I would if the owner of Sidesplitters asked me to kill a guy I probably would like it just it means a lot

you know Lee listen this is what people don't know I'm not taking a chance with you when I take you out at all comedy is not a funny business comedy is not a movie business comedy is none of the above for people who don't know

comedy is a karma business and how many people said to me hey I remember people calling me that were fucking stars and going you got 30 minutes and I'm like really I got about 16 and a half but I'll fucking give it my best and then didn't take a chance on me they just said come on I work the worst people come on down there and that's what comedy's about it's not about the funniest guy that's great it's the guy it's a karma business it's a universal business the universe watches so just when you're ready to hang yourself. That's when that club calls you. Hey, we got to, and they call you in a bad situation,

but you don't give a fuck. Because if they were to call you, and then the other time in your life, you tell them to go suck your dick, but they'll call you like Friday or two. You already got plans with mama, but this is your chance. Right.

You've got a headlining, whatever, you know, Gotham, whatever. And this is what I tell people. Answer that fucking phone. Answer that fucking phone, because that could be paramount. You don't even know. That could be anybody.

answer that phone. But I'm really proud of you. I'm really proud that you stuck with it, you know, and you have a direction. A lot of people just to run around like a fucking crazy Indian, not you. You have a direction, you ask questions, you ask a lot of questions, and, hey, man.

Yeah, you ask a lot of questions. Listen, you've got to ask questions. You know, it's like when you're a feature acting, they say, hey, you're going to work with a tell this weekend. And like you remember a joke That Othel had it one of his specials And like the second night You get comfortable to the night

You can ask him creepy questions How'd you write that joke? What, pa-p-p-pah-pah-pah. I heard he's got a fucking new joke Oh, really? That he says, listen, I know you're not going to like me After I say this But he goes, there's times

You've got to use the N-word. He goes, I know that people are going to get mad at me For using the N-word, but I'm going to have to say it. Newark Airport And he goes people lose his fucking mind. Oh, he's the best. Yeah, but it's like nobody takes a chance on you.

It's a karma business. We've all been there. Unless you're an insensitive fuck and you don't remember that you bombed for eight years. George, how many times you see me bomb? You know, that's what it is. Yeah. And nobody remembers the bombs. It's 20 years ago.

Nobody's going to remember them. Who gives a fuck? Keep going. Keep going. And some people can't handle that. Some people got to get therapy. Some people have to fucking, you know, they can't handle a rejection. And that's fine.

That's when you put your fireman helmet on and you fucking go to battle. And you did it and I'm proud of you. How long is it nine years you've been? I'm in my eighth year right now. Eight years. So yeah, I'm trying. Which is really six years.

Right. Because for two years you walk around like a fucking idiot anyway. I did. The first two years I walked around like an idiot. Then I made a plan and then I attacked and here we are fucking 90 years later. But it doesn't matter how long the journey took. Because the journey is all I'm in that casket.

That's all I'm going to remember Is that fucking journey and how great it was My car breaking down Having to sleep with some chick with one eye Gas money You know you gotta do all this crazy shit But that's part of the fucking journey And that's why I signed up for this

After I read the The one fucking crazy guy's book That he lived in the hotel and the city Lenny Bruce And he fucking hung out with strippers at night And shit and he shot heroin I'm in I'm in

What's the alternative? I'm going to carry a suitcase to New York every day with a little bag and an apple in it. I'm going to fucking shoot myself. I'll jump off that fucking bridge. I don't blame you. This is how we did it. This is how we do it, cock suckers.

You got to go for broke every goddamn day. Give me a minute. We'll be right back with my main man, Mr. Eric Alessandro. Hey, Uncle Joey here. If you're looking for a complete meal without a sink full of dishes, Yule is your answer. It's perfectly balanced meal

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What's happening, buddy? There's a D.D. In the beginning of that. Which one? Delessandro. Okay, what did I say? Delessandro? I don't fuck it. I got to bust balls.

Everybody does it. Eric, sir. Staten Island. You know he likes you when he gets your name wrong. People still come up to me and tell me I'm the director from Israel. I'm not a director. I'm not from Israel. We have a friend of Agostino.

He calls him Di Agostino. Yeah. That's how you know he likes you. It's when the name is wrong. I don't know. I'm sorry if that was a bad start. I have a friend Alessandro. That's why.

It's fine. No one cares. What's happening, brother? What's up, man? Thank you so much for having me. I have to tell you last year you said something really nice about me on your podcast. And I just was, it was, I was blown away, man. That was really sweet of you.

Thank you so much. Well, I never heard of you until I moved to Jersey. Mm-hmm. Sounds about right. And then when I moved here, my neighbors who are from, Staten Island? What part? Staten Island?

No, the part where you're from. Not where... Oh, the North Shore. North Shore. North Shore. Where's the bakery at? That's in the North Shore. Malone.

Yeah, Port Richmond. Malone. All right, so they're from that area. And they asked me if I had seen you. And I go, no. And at that time, I was going, I just moved here. I just left Comedyville. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I just left L.A. Where you're surrounded in your neighborhood. And I'm like, no, I don't know what that is. And then one day you popped up, and it was an interesting. video and you were selling you were like listen come to my show but it just wasn't you in front of a fucking brick wall like I told Lydia that these guys are all doing these videos and I'm in whatever or they try to come at you like yeah I'm sitting here at the park don't forget to come ticket dog nobody wants to see that shit yeah you got to grab me you got to fucking grab me you got

sit on a toilet with a newspaper smoking a joint hey what are you doing this weekend I'm at that that and that's what people remember and you were actually doing that you were doing all these videos You did one where you called somebody and it was Tony Soprano on the other line. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm fucking dying. I'm like, holy shit. And I said it.

This is what I said on this podcast. I go, I'm happy that you're doing comedy and I hope you like it and everything. But I don't think this is where you're going to end up. Oh, man. Thank you. I just don't think. You're going to end up a comedy.

You might do comedy for eight or nine years and then something big is going to come your way. You're a director. Oh, thank you, man. You're a big time director. I know these videos, you know, and I know what I do you. see, and I can't shoot videos like that, not even that thought.

Like, you just have something that's very creative. I can tell that you take your time. Oh, yeah. You take your time with stuff, and you're always prepared because you're always shooting a video for that next week. Or something. That day you put one up with the baby. You know, it's always something different.

And comedy, listen, I love comedy because you could do whatever the fuck you want for me. Yeah. You could act. You could direct. You could produce. You do it all. Yeah. Like, I always look to the comic and like people, you're a comedian,

you're a comedian, drawing up. I learned on a corner, cracking jokes, and people walk by. You say stupid thunk. I wonder what her ass smells like. You say stupid shit, and your friends fucking laugh. And, you know, that's it. Now you're doing it in a big fucking spectrum, and you're like, if he's fucking idiot, snoo.

Yeah. Like, I didn't go to, there's no training for stand-up. It's just a bunch of jerk off, fucking shit in the corner. and all of a sudden, like, I know what I can't do and what I could do. But when I was watching Roseanne Barr on Larry King, and she had thrown out the writers from her show the Christmas party when she hit number one.

And he asked her, he goes, why did you throw those... No, he didn't throw out the writer. She threw out the staff of ABC would not allow them into a party. Like most people get fired for that. She was like, fuck him out. Because you guys are just a bunch of bad idea motherfuckers and all this shit. And she goes, what the networks forget is that we've been doing what they've been doing better. Oh, yeah.

We produce direct, we write, we choreograph, every move is planned. It looks untrained to the consumer. They're like, oh my God, no, we plan that move. From touching my nose to fucking grabbing my knee, everything is fucking you already have a plan. And you're on your way. Like I was, listen, when I started doing comedy, I knew I was gonna end up a comedian. Nowhere in my life did I ever go,

well, I'm gonna direct now. I put a little hat with a fucking thing and try to get financing. Come on, give me a break. But you, my friend, you're young, you got the world by the balls, you're doing it perfectly, your nose ain't wide open.

You know, you're not living in L.A. You're right here. Taking your thine, brewing, and waiting for fucking to throw that Italian bomb. You know what I'm saying? Just pull that grenade fucking whip it.

So, yeah, I mean, I tried the LA thing. I, uh, it was all right. But I think that like, I just really saw the, um, you know, the wide open road that was, uh, the internet, you know, like it's one of those things. I tried to get up at the comedy store, try to do the laugh factory when I was living out there. And I noticed that you, it was all politics. It was all like this, this thing where you had to play their specific game.

And I was just like, I don't, I've never done that. that so like I just figured a different way to do it you know and I think I'm like an editor at heart I love editing and so I guess I just went with like what what I was good at you know and then stand-up actually came after that but yeah man I definitely want to do a lot of shit I think that might have helped me back though because I've always wanted to do too many things like I like making music I like doing serious stuff I like doing silly stuff and it was kind of I'd have a lot of generals back in the day with like agents or people cast and directors like, what do you, what do you want to do?

What's the one thing? And I'd be like, I have no fucking idea. I can't pick one thing. I'm all over the place, kind of. And so, yeah, I'm a little older than people might think I am, but I'm not, no, not that old. You look like you're 28 to me. I can still play it all. So that fucking works for me, you know?

Yeah, man. Listen, man, this is a journey. Oh, yeah. I've been enjoying it. Anything can happen along the way. You pick up a little dough. mom is happy the baby's happy but then you you're allowed because of your freedom we have so much fucking freedom in the daytime you come up with whatever the fuck dude i was thinking

about that today i was like man because i'm always i'm always stressed about my career because like you know it's not where i come from everybody's a cop garbage man something secure right with the pension benefits and i got none of that shit you know i i fucking pay two grand a month for health insurance and it's dog shit i don't even have dental so it's scary but like i was playing on my son with my wife in my living room and I was like man this is it's fucking nine in the morning we're just playing around like even if it wasn't uh like that financially rewarding which which it is if even if it wasn't I'm like I would trade this Dave Chappelle once said when his dad asked him like when he wanted to be a comedian and he was like well dad if I can

make as much money as a teacher doing comedy that sounds pretty good so I was like that's a great way to look at that if I could do what my friend if I can make what my friends make working fucking not even a quarter i don't even know what the hell compared i don't know how many hours a year do i work i have no idea it's it's low so like it's just it's such a blessing and yeah like you said man it's it's a journey and even even in the dark times you look back and it's like fuck it that was worth it because of x y z or you got an idea from it you know and like living living a regular life is so important when i lived in l.a man it was so many like my wife uh she worked at this place in in West Hollywood.

And all of her friends wanted to be actors, directors and stuff. And I never did shit. I never went out, I never got drunk. I only wrote. It's all I did morning tonight, I wrote constantly. And I would see them out, I wanna direct. And I'd like, then why the fuck are you here? Why are you here?

Why are you hanging out here? You should be working on it. And I think in LA, it's easy to get like lost in everybody just up each other's ass and trying to like pretend they're doing something rather than like, I like going to TJ Max with my wife. I'll hear some moment on Staten Island say something crazy. I'm like, oh, that's fucking hysterical.

And it's real life that we all live, you know? Like, we went target one time. And this lady was arguing with her wife. And the dad just goes, can you fucking shut the fuck up for two seconds? This is incredible. This is a real person. It was amazing. So like, yeah, man, it's, yeah, it's hard, but it's the fucking greatest.

You know, it's so weird how. You can't get into any of the things. three clubs in Hollywood without your manager call. Oh, really? Yeah, like that's the main thing. Like, your manager has to call, hi, you know, what if it's and such for Smith and Wendor. Mm-hmm. You want to see if we get Lisa Ayala showcase or how it works, you know, and that's what they want now. When I got to L.A., you could just call the talent correct and go, I want them to put me on the list. You have two references? Yeah, this guy and that guy. Yeah. Okay, you're on the list. I'll see you're fucking two years. You know, at least it works. You know, at least it works.

Oh, wow, really? It was like a waiting list? Oh, yeah. When I got to the Laugh Factory, I got to, I did the store the first night. I got in town, like at 6, took a shower, went to Alcapulco all you could eat, and went right to the fucking store. And then the next morning I got up, it was Tuesday, and I went to the laugh factory and stood online outside. You have to wait out there until what's his name brings you waters and shit. And I remember going in there, and he's like, I'm not going to showcase you, but call the receptionist in the morning and show.

So it was January of 97. My showcase was an October. Wow. Holy shit. Not an October. Now it was dead. I don't even know what it would be like now. Now that just doesn't exist.

So now you have to go there, have like a recommendation. You know, maybe your agent calls if you're like one of the big three or the big four. And then you get put in. That's where it's very political, I think. That somebody that's just a hustler, that's a fucking funny motherfucker. fucker can't just call and go hey man give me a shot i saw i went i went for the two things two things pissed me of one being like i guess a new yorker who was just like impatient and the other thing was like i went there's a potluck they do that for the comedy store you put your name in a hat you put

your name in a hat but then like the same seven names are always on the list so it's like well that's not really random and they also make you leave oh i'm sorry you can't leave so it's like you got a up at five, they don't put out the list till 7.30. So if I'm like a bartender or a waitress or something, I have to now either leave twice or wait around for two and a half hours or whatever it is, an hour and a half and wait to see if I'm picked where they could have a text message list. It could be like, I could run in, put my name in that, and then run back to work, continue my shift. And if I get a text, like, you were selected, then it's like, all right, I can leave. But like, it was just like a weird, like, unnecessary thing. And I remember being

And like, I have all these jokes I want to do, but like, I could either do them maybe, I don't know, once every six months if they pick me or I could just fucking say them to my phone. And 20,000 people will see it. And that's kind of how I just like hustled that way, you know? Like I was constantly writing, but I was really writing bits that I would do like open mics and shit. And then I would try to figure out a way. Because other than that, I don't know how people would do it. Like you said, I don't know if you can have your manager call. I don't know if you can have your agent.

I don't know how the hell it works. Yeah, that's how, the best way is to have somebody with something, and then it's a comic from there, like Bill Burr or somebody like that. But it's funny. And I'm going to tell you something. Those two hours, they make you wait are the fucking worst two hours of your life

because you're sitting around with mental health patients. Exactly. They're all mental health people, dog. Boom, Chocalaka, come up with a shopping cart, and he'd give you an old hour, and he took out of the garbage. Dog, Sunday nights at the store, that's mental health.

That's right there. Listen, I need mental health issues. Like my man said, if you're a comedian or musician, you're always teetering on the mental health thing. The people who go to those open mics on Sunday, woo, they used to be a girl that used to go. That every week changed her wig. And sometimes while she was there, she would change wigs. And I asked her, why didn't you change wigs? She's like, that's whatever I feel. I was like, enough. Because L.A. has the combination of crazy and also American. an idol. So like here it's just some guy outside of 7 level like, oh, we get a dollar. There it's, I'm going to be a star and I'm fucking crazy. So you'll see somebody like, I saw a guy riding a bicycle playing a tuba in

LA. A homeless guy. I've seen, one of the funniest things outside of Trader Joe is on Vine, I think. He was just playing a guitar with like a box asking for change and there was one string on the guitar. He wasn't even playing it. He was just strumming it. Just a crazy fucking guy.

So like, but now though, man, like at the comedy store too like it's so like I don't want to say corporate because that's a bad word that actually it is corporate but like it's all become so many people are there that it's like Disney world versus when you went it was just like a comedy club it was a comedy now it's like dirty comedy yes run by the inmates yes now now it has like a clean from 97 to 2006 when I left it was us you went behind the ball you fucking made a drink you could I'd be on the outside line making long distance calls. You know, it was fucking, you know, yeah,

it was like, fuck it. There was a guy who sold Coke there. Everything was there for you, one-stop shopping. And then it got cleaned up. Even before I left, there was a great club, but there was still a little, because of so many lunatics were there at that time, there was still a little now.

It was still a little dirty. There was still a little dirty. Yeah. You know, it's a very, You have to appease to a lot of different people. Oh, yeah. You have to, because if not, they feel like they're not part of it, and then they'll fucking call like somebody on you.

Yeah, yeah. We live in a world that if anybody doesn't get a chance or they don't, and listen, when you're in that business, chances come pure and far between. So, but these people put themselves in a bad position, then they go and they expect something. And now, you know, it's like you ask me. a question if I had gone to the comedy seller. And I said, no, nothing against the comedy seller.

It's a great club. But A, I don't want to start over again. And B, it's a different type of club. Oh, yeah, for sure. They have to make people happy, especially down there. I'm not here to make people happy. I'm here to make people laugh. Oh, yeah.

So when you want to get a brick wall and some pot smoke and maybe your mouse to go by, you call me. Yeah. Call me. Yeah, hell yeah. And put funny on it. stage whether they're midgets white black green purple I don't care what color they are but they better be funny don't put them on because you feel I have to put

these people on to make everybody it's it's I don't know what what do they call that shit they called it they gave it to the African Americans years ago what is it affirmative action affirmative action for comedy now now we will wait a second I can't put four funny guys now I got to put a lesbian up front mm-hmm I I could put a lesbian up front. I got to put a Chinese guy that's missing an eye, number two. It's got to look like a college textbook. Right, the disabilities act.

They're not there. I got to put a black guy. God forbid I don't put a Latino guy, John Leguizamo, will be going off on the Instagram, right? You know, and that's what you have. I just want the 15 funniest people who call for tonight. When you go back to that format, call me. Call me.

It's also guys who are just constantly there. people who don't go home and live at the club, they also get good spots because they don't do anything else. Yeah, that was me. That was us. We all hung out of the fucking comedy club at one point. That was your life. What are you going to go home for?

To watch a black and white TV, so a neighbor, so the landlord knocks on your door and tell you the renters do from three weeks ago. I'm not going home. Yeah. I'm going to go home when he goes to bed at 10 o'clock. Then I go home.

But no, it's just, listen, you're always going to have your favorites. You're always going to have these things. And I could take that, but I'm not going to take that. I'm losing a spot because you've got to put somebody in there to appease the audience. I'm not doing that. I don't want to be a part of that. I came up, if you're funny, you belong there.

If you're not funny, go somewhere else. Go to Seacrocks. Go to the mental institution. They'll fucking love you there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, I think that the cities have gotten very, the cities have gotten very, what is that word? Politically correct. Politically correct.

Yeah. You know, if you go anywhere under 20th Street, you're gonna get, I'm gonna get booed. First of all, I'm a fucking dinosaur. I don't belong at those clubs, those college clubs anyway. Nah, they fucking love you, Joe. Come on. But no, you don't, it's a young man's game. I'm gonna go out there with white hair and missing tooth.

And try to be funny. But they love you. You know they love you. Talk, these new kids don't love anybody. They love knock-knog jokes. You know, you say fag, you know, I can't. I can't. Why did they talk in your house? What, did they all fucking just wear fucking slippers?

and, you know, that's what you have now. These kids, listen, look, I have nieces. And they tell me, like, when I say fucking off-color shit, they make believe they don't hear because they love me. But that shit isn't even in their world before. It's not even in their fucking realm the way we spoke. You can't speak like this now anymore. These kids have a heart attack.

Oh, they'll go, oh, you remember my Uncle Louis. Then I'm in. Then I'm in. My Uncle Louis spoke like that. He went to jail for 80 years. Then I'm in. But besides that, it's just... I think I will push back a little bit.

I think it's, it depends. Like, I go to New York Comedy Club all the time. I'm really, I've been really happy with the audiences. Like, I think people want comedy. I think that shit is, I think it's dying a little bit. Yes, it is. For sure. And I think that you would fucking crush, man.

They do, they, like, because you're joking. I think that's been, people are aware of that again. For some weird time between like 2015, obviously during like the crazy shit of like COVID, people started to believe the shit people were saying as if like it wasn't a joke. Like I'm good friends with Brian Holtzman and like how could you not,

this guy's just screaming just the craziest shit. How could you not realize he's the sweetest guy in the world? Like how do you not know he's joking? And I think that people are like, I don't know, at least comedy fans for sure, man. If you look at all the top comedians, it's real comics. It's again, it's not many,

like corporate people who are like really appeasing the shit that you were talking about. Like, you know, kill Tony's bigger than ever. And you know, just, I don't know. Shane Gillis like is a great example of like people not giving a fuck anymore. And even SNL was like we we fucked up, you know? Like maybe we were a little too hard on this kid

and he like has like an open door policy there. Everybody fucked up when they got on that board. Because you let me know you're fucking fucking scared and listen that's true of course trying to run a business and I appreciate that yeah I understand that but you have to make a decision you know I still remember 20 when I start going to Utah oh love Utah okay that club is great if that the way you're talking about you're talking about you're talking about wise guys wise guys oh yeah I love that club okay let me

tell you what happened at wise guys in 1997 Doug Stanhope went to wise guys when they just had one club and the owner was struggling and he needed help, Doug Stanhope went to that town and that's when he was on fire. And he went to that town and fucking buried him. He buried him so hard that they wrote letters to the Department of the Better Business Bureau and fucking Utah's commerce. Doug Stanhope had all the letters on his wall. Oh, I thought you meant like he killed.

No, he just went after them? No, he destroyed the room. At that time, he was a killer. Oh, yeah, yeah. And when they robbed his car and he still went on stage and won the San Francisco comedy competition and beat Dave Cook. Doug Stanhope was a fucking killer.

Wow. When Doug Stanhope went on stage in 96, 7, 8, he wouldn't. One person would have a hard time following him. Three people. He would destroy the improv. Oh, my God. I would just go to watch his sets. Me and like four guys,

because he would destroy those comics. They would leave there. The one night where there was a benefit for a burn victim, and he didn't know the burn victim was in the front row with a fucking sailor hat on. Oh, my God. Doug went into him. They banned them for a month.

This is fucking classic shit. I was in Boston with him, and there was a priest walking by, and he goes, father, where are you going? He goes, I got to go to back. He goes, no, no, no, no. I got a tit-fuck joke that's going to knock your socks off. Dog, he was on fire back then. He went to fucking Utah and did what you.

one of those hours and they wrote a bunch of fucking letters and the guy was what's his name nelson what's the owner is it keith keith keith keith nelson kept sending them the letters and he's like never again well i have a r-rated comic out of you from 1997 finally in like 2012 i just fucking sent him a note and i go keith how long we know each other he goes pick up the phone i call him up but go, Keith, when are you going to start putting fucking crazy people out there again? He goes, well, you remember what happened? I go, that shit's done with. People want this, and you're running with these fucking ukulele plays.

That's when he used to have guitar acts and got the one-man band for New Year's. Come on, you're killing me. Just watching your schedule, I'm falling apart here. I'm falling apart. Let's take a chance. They goes, I'll tell you what, you want to come? I'll give you a fucking door deal in the app, but you're not going to sell no tickets. I fucking sold that motherfucker around.

Then he got greedy, and he put the other kid in there, and he bumped me to the little room, and the other kid sold four tickets. Then he was trying to get me back in the big room. I'm like, fuck you now. And he's like, stay sad of there. I'm like, fuck you. They showed up with pounds of weed.

Utah! Utah! They showed up with pounds a week. Some kids showed up with a bag of edibles to give everybody in the yard. It was insane. I was like, I'm coming back here. And then he brought a towel.

Oh, wow. He took a couple of chains. Like, I don't know. I go bring a towel down there. And then he brought a towel. Then he brought the crazy lady. And now look at his schedule. He ain't got a fucking clean act in that bitch.

He's got all the crazy people on that. He opened up three other clubs. Yeah. He's got Vegas or something else. So who was right and who was fucking wrong? You know, you go to Grand Rapids? No, not yet. Oh, wait till you get there.

I'm talking to, yeah. Oh. Oh, really? We have the most churches per capita. What are you talking about? I saw a bunch of black people so I only cracked on the corner. What church?

They tell you. They're like, yeah, we've got to be careful here. We got the most churches per capita. This is a church growing. We're not going to book you. And they booked Jay Leno for the Grand Rapids Comedy Festival. They sold 13 tickets.

Wow. Bro, they paid him like a million dollars. Oh, yeah. The motherfucker came back with three tickets or something. No Christians. So they used to be booked by this guy that's been, he's booking Michigan. Ohio since I started.

He had great clubs when I started. He wouldn't book me in him, but he had great clubs. Now his sons are running it, and they're like two fucking Mormons. So I walk in and they're like, giggling at me. And I'm like, what's up, you're not going to sell those tickets this weekend? Okay.

And there was a 90% door deal. One of those things. And the door, the tickets just kept, when they paid me on Saturday, they had tears in their eyes. They wouldn't even call my agent back. They were like, God damn it. I told you there's a market for this. Yeah.

But if you're scared, you know, Portland, Oregon, they won't put a dirty act on there. His mother goes to the shows. So she watches the first show on, so you've got to perform for his mother in the first row. And she hasn't lapsed in 1922. She just stares at you.

You're like, I'm done. I need this shit. What if I want to do a cop joke in front of him? Oh, how fire you. Which ways? Are we helium? No. Because helium's good.

Helium's great. Yeah, yeah. That's the only place I eat ranch dressing. They have spicy ranch on the tailor-tots. Yeah, they're fucking good food. You're right. They do have fucking good food. Really good food.

I forgot about that. That was hilarious. This club was called Harvey's. It's still there. They pay for the room. It's a nightmare. He's still living on fucking, he's probably got the guy with the tube on the bike there.

He's another guy for New Year's got like a nine-string band. This is comedy. Oh, Jesus. Fucking comedy. Why do you have a one-man band? The guy with the. Yeah, yeah. That's what they want to see, I guess.

They like that hippie stuff. Where's the first place you got on stage? First place was in the laughing Buddha in the city. So open mic. Really? Yeah, there was probably, I don't know. It was in 2014. There was probably seven other comics in there.

You know, the open mics are just. Was grandpa still around when you started? Nah, man, that's been closed for a while. That was a comedy club on Staten Island. That was, I don't even know when that close. I was like I was a kid when that closed I wished my first like 10 15 minutes was in this place that's not there anymore either What the fuck was it called? Oh the Dillooley bin it was on Staten Island for a small time That was a comedy club chain that was chain no it was it was next to a bowling alley

Pete Davidson also started there like it was it was a disaster Then I don't think it's there anymore Staten Island's not really a place you want to start doing comedy So like, yeah, anywhere I would do really anywhere in Manhattan I did Broadway, random-ass places, bars, anywhere that I could go really.

But my first was in Laughing Buddha, which isn't there anymore. Yeah, well, it's a group now. Oh, I do their shows,

I'm doing. Where's, it was the one by the seller? What was the? Oh, well, it's, I mean,

if it's the same group, they do open mics at every club. I'm doing a show at the stand on the 28th that they're running. Oh, you know, they had like their own location.

Oh, they had their own location. I don't think they have that little anymore, but they have like a group of shows that they weren't all the time. It was great, man. It was really awesome. It was very helpful.

Like, you know, I mean, I don't know where else. I mean, open mics are tough because it's just in a bunch of comics who are just not paying attention to because they're nervous about going on.

So like I was always thinking, like, I wonder how I'll even know if these are funny. If no one's even better. You got like a random. Ha! Well, that's it.

Oh, that's your killing it at open mic. Yeah, yeah. And I got like the best advice. I got from open mics was we have a friend named Johnny Rock and he said like you can't go expecting

like any sort of feedback because sometimes if you kill it in open mic it's bad sometimes if you go at an open mic and everyone thinks they're Doug Stanhope and they're like all the comics are laughing that's never going to work at the improv or whatever. True very true. So like the open mics it's a like you were talking about open mics. There was an open mic

mic last night at a side spliers after my show. This dude this like 80 year old dude it looked like someone took a bite out of his nose. He had a bloody bandit on his nose and had like two teeth in his mouth and was just talking to me about all the four-sum and five-sims he had when he was in his 30s. There are people are, it doesn't matter what city you're in. Open mics.

I did an open mic here where you know they're the naked cowboy in Times Square. There's the naked cowgirl, but she's about 70 years old and took her tits out in an open mic. And it was one of the, it's insanity. Can't really do that on this night show. No, you can't. Like I said, mental one. Yeah. There's a thin line.

Yeah, and listen, I enjoy open mics. But in today's world, you have to do a background check. Like, you have to have like a fucking thing at the door. Hold on, put your fingerprint in here. Did, did, did, did. Let me check your wrist for bracelets or slashes. So they're fucking crazy, man. And listen, that's what makes you funny.

Oh, yeah. You know, being a little off your looper, I mean, I don't do what I do because I'm fucking normal. I do it because there's a problem. Something was wrong with the wiring. So a little bit of crazy is good, but there's one level that's past that you're like... 100%. This is not.

And that's why open mics are brutal. Listen, man, I went to an open mic last week in Freehold at a hotel. It's like a glamour fly at open mic. They have an adliner. And the first eight guys, you know, they were funny. They all have a chance. You know, I'm not there. I'm not killed Tony.

But I was like, I don't miss these days. at all. Like this shit, doing three of these a night and getting tortured, I don't miss these at all. I would go back, I'd get so, listen, I was a Coke fiend when I was starting doing comedy,

but it didn't matter, because I get so depressed, I needed to start Coke. I needed it. I was like, how long is this going to last? How am I going to ever move forward? It's kind of amazing thinking that people keep going, right?

For how long it's like that for? Isn't that fucking, like, crazy that? Well, here's the deal, Eric. it's that long for as long as you let it be that long. Okay? It's that long for as you let it. One day you have to make the decision go, you know what, I'm not doing these no more.

But I also came up at a different time. I came up at a time where George, me, you and Lee, we did comedy. We were all about the same range, five, six, seven years. But guess what? You got a room on Tuesdays. And he gives you a $400 budget. He's got a room on Mondays It gives him a 250 budget

I got a room that gives me 500 every other Thursday and he's got a room on Wednesdays And it was more of that When I went back I started comedy I won a contest And I got the house on C job And that helped So I didn't have to go to the open mic in Denver

At the Comedy Works I would just do that on Tuesdays Then I left and I came here Holy shit Holy shit That was brutal I had to sell tickets For the comic strip

I had to fucking There was no barking in those days They would give you 40 tickets You sold 20 and you kept the money Whatever I sold all them And didn't give nothing to the comic strip I blew off my fucking audition

Fuck you You got me out of here selling tickets Like a pimp And everybody had You had to bring four people Yeah Eight people people. I would do it every once in a while, but I don't have no people. You can't keep bothering

your people to come to. I know. Seriously, how many are they going to come to? And they put you on 1140. These people got to stay out to 1140. They got kids and shit. Just 10 more minutes and I'll be up. If you leave, they won't put me out. Come on, man. So when I went back to Denver, I was very lucky because the people I hung out with each had a room. So you never, ever ended up. And even the open mics that they had, they always hired a headliner to give it, you know, so the guy does 40, two guys perform done 15 and everybody else does 10, then three open micers do five, you know? Give the show some balance. So I was very fortunate there. So I left those things in 93. I never did one of those things ever again. And then I had another scam. When I would do the contest to invite my friends, I would get drugs. And there were, and there were, They would call me for the drugs and they'd say, no, you gotta come to the comedy. Oh my God, that's brilliant.

Oh my God. That's fucking brilliant. And they would get pissed the fuck off. They would give me the $50 for a half gram and go, that's 20 for the ticket. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. That's completely different.

You just gotta come down here because there's no cops in here. And they would go, what are you talking about? The feds are watching me, dog, I'm telling these. And they would fucking buy into it. But if you come in here, there's a certified hotel. They won't come in here. That's fucking hilarious.

Yeah, that's how I won the content. Come on down. You want Xanax? Come on down. I saw you all the Xanax you got. What time? 6.30. No, no, no, no, no. 8.30 at the broker. Yeah. Why the broker? I got my reasons. The connection is there. Noriega's on the East floor. And if you don't laugh, you're not getting the drugs. Yeah, you don't get the drugs. I was going to say, are they a good audience? All, like, just beaming for it. Yeah. Give me a bunch of junkies that want to laugh. All I got to say is fucking Coke. I was killing it. That's how I won that contest. I just had my friends there. Fuck it.

That's American ingenuity, right? Yeah, bro, that's fucking amazing. I mean, barking is crazy. That's crazy. I never had to do that. You like it? And here's the, I haven't done it in the city. I did a, there's a club in Saratoga, New York that they don't do the show unless it was like nine people.

So I had to do it a bunch for that. And I, for like an hour, it's fun. I have a bunch of friends who do it like on a nightly basis for clubs. I actually kind of, but see, like, for someone at my level, it's like one of the few ways you can actually get into places. So I'm actually thinking about doing it. But I do like it because it's like, it's like kind of like crowdwork in real life.

True. You get to tease people. Yeah. Wait until you get beat up. You don't want to fucking bark. I don't want to do shit, but I got to do something. No, you don't want to be barking at people. Like, hey, come into the, that's like,

I mean, when I started, people go, go to them all, sell tickets. What? Like, you land, I go to Wyoming. And they go, yeah, it's, 10 tickets. Go to them all. Talk to girls and sell tickets. I'm not doing that. All right. That's not going to fucking happen. Yeah. I mean, there's a fine line between like, what you're going to do. And after why, you just lose your pride. And then that's... For sure. No, for sure. They take as a sucker. So you got to start saying no.

Yeah. And I think that like... There are some like purists out there, I think that believe like, well, that's just what you have to do for comedy. And I disagree with like a lot of them, especially because I think because I came up in a time where the impact of the internet was just too goddamn strong. You know? Like, I always saw that as just like, if I can get you to come because you like something,

if I suck as a stand-up, you'll find out immediately. Like, you're, I think it's almost kind of hard, not harder, but like, you know in the NBA now, a seven-footer shoots a fucking three-pointer? Like, that didn't happen when I was growing up. No.

It didn't happen. Pitchers didn't throw 103 miles an hour when I was growing up. Now you have to like, I feel like you almost have to be better quicker because, or if you do have a good following online, because they're not, they're gonna, they're gonna come like, oh, that guy sucks. He's just funny on Instagram, you know? But if you can capitalize off that, if you have the chops and if you have like the background, it can, it can speed the process up. What used to take 10 years, it could take a year. You know, as long as you're getting up as as much as you possibly can and like in writing the jokes. But I feel like there's a lot of people I think who get who get, who get. famous off of like shit like a skit or a TikTok or something and then they start doing stand-up it doesn't translate it doesn't trend no it's a completely different thing you have to already be doing that um but i think like like do you post stand-up clips a little bit it's something that i haven't i struggle a lot with if it's if it's not perfect i don't post it yeah that's a bad attitude to have

it's never it's never it's never gonna be perfect no clip i've ever posted i thought was good none yeah i've I've always like, ah, I wish I would have said this differently. Because I'm editing it in my house, of course, I can make it perfect. But like, you know, somebody fucking stood up in front of the camera in the wrong time. Oh, I know. Coughed or whatever, you know. But I think just throw shit out. I have two up there and I need to have more and I'm going to start.

I was talking, I need to do a lot more. It's my biggest weakness right now. Yeah. When you were talking about the internet, listen, the internet saved you from this. You ever go somewhere and you see somebody posted a sign? You know, party Friday night. at 8 o'clock, be there, it'll be square. You're like, we'll put some flyer on a car.

When I could buy an ad on... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hit one button. I love what the Internet did for comedy, because I'll tell you what, without the Internet, I wouldn't be in this chair right now. Oh, dude, yeah. Okay, I would not have been anywhere.

But I tell you what, it wasn't just the Internet. It was the 20 years experience. Oh, of course. So they all met at the same time. Mm-hmm. Okay, they all met at the same time. This was strong. This was strong.

You know, I don't know if anybody's watched it. I don't know if you even like Led Zeppelin. Yeah, I mean. They're on Netflix now. That documentary I was talking about was on Netflix. Watch it. It shows four fucking guys that just were lurking around and they just got together.

And the rest was fucking history. And that's what it is sometime. People don't understand. It's like I was really upset when I did the longest yard. Like two years. I'm like, I didn't get shit. everybody else got something fucking the guy got everybody loves Raymond

this guy got that fucking I didn't get anything and then the producer said to me goes all that shit grows and cultures okay nobody's watching that right now but someday you're gonna have an HBO special and then people gonna go what else has he been in

bam oh well you did mad TV in 2001 when nobody knew you weren't bam yeah and all of a sudden all that shit just so you don't know what you're doing Definitely, dude. You don't know what the fuck you're doing. You could do a fucking movie with De Niro and Pacino, count the money, call your cousin to Staten Island

and tell him I'm buying a house on Tot Hill. You know what I'm saying? I'm slinging dick, get some Asians. It's over. And that movie don't do dick. I just watch Alto Knights. Did you watch it yet? No.

De Niro, Alto Nights. Not bad, but they expected De Niro to win an Oscar. And the movie did $3. the movie thing. And that happens. That fucking happens. Where you put, you're like, oh, when this movie comes out, bitches, they'll be sticky, you know. And the movie does $3. And now what? You fucking have to sit in your house with the shades drawn for a year. No, totally. You know, you have to sit in the house. So it's not,

even if achievement is bad, it's going to come back later. And they'll come back in a positive way because somebody always go, you can. can't blame Eric. He was just early then. That was 20 year, Eric. You can't blame him for that bad movie. No, you got to blame me for a bad movie. But you know what I'm saying now? Everything has to meet. As far as the internet today, man, you're absolutely right, Eric, and you're very good at. You're very good at it. I know if you, you have good ticket sales. You've built that, though, also. Dude, I've been doing this a lot longer than people. You've got to build those videos. It's been a long time. Here's the difference between you and what's

going out in LA. Are you ready? These fucking idiots. They go to NYU, Phil. And then they go out, they're going to go work in their father's company for a year. But they tell Dad, Dad, that, no, just give me one year in L.A. I want to go out and join Groundlings, or whatever the fuck you join. Because their junior year, they started watching Sound Out Live. And this is what happened in 2008, 9, because I was a victim of that. So that's why. I know. You get lucky in life. Back in 2008 and 9,

if you shot a video and they got a, if they got a half a million fucking views, you got a call from YouTube. Like YouTube would send you an email. And then they used to have trending videos and all this shit. Oh, yeah. And those Joey Karate's used to rock and roll.

So people started calling me in for meetings and going, can you make more those videos? And I'm like, yeah. Can you make them for us? Yeah, we'll give me 10 grand. Give me the 10 grand. And then they forget, they never even contact you for the videos.

You have no idea. Holy shit. But what was happening with these kids were these Saturday Live kids were getting a video or do a million downloads. They get to L.A., they meet with everybody and they get money and make more. Don't.

When you step on a shit, you step on a shit. Oh, yeah. Just shut your fucking mouth. 100%. Because now you got everybody watching you for that next video and that next video is going to suck dick. It's going to be a fucking disaster. It's going to take another 100 shoots

for you to get another fucking video. And then he just quit. You go, I can't make a hit no more. I'm getting three under a video. And that's the fucking problem with videos. But you've done that. And even Vic. Like after a while,

you have to know when to place your videos because now that you just become annoying. Now I'm going to turn out, all right, what's he going to have for me? Like, when I wake up every morning, I look at Gabby for you. That's a girl from Miami that swims in a bikini

and she does bikini fucking modeling and shit in the morning. She's just a cute girl. She's not doing a rated X or nothing. But I like her because she's up early. She drinks orange juice. She's always positive and shit. That's a pretty low bar.

She's always out there doing something at 7.30 in the morning. Whether it's jogging, she's lifting weights. I'm like, look a fucking Gabby for you today. If Gabby for you could do it, I could do it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, fuck yeah. There's always somebody who motivates you. Yeah.

So maybe make exercise videos, whatever the fuck. I don't know. I don't know. But that's what I look at. I always look at Gabby for you. And then second, what the Siamese family's doing. The two little Siamese twins, they grew up in front of me. Now I play with them on the screen when I get high in the morning with my little, gato, gato.

He's looking around. You guys know what I'm talking about, right? I don't know what I'm talking about. Nobody knows what I'm talking about. There's two Siamese lovers. They're Siamese lovers. It's a page. Well, they're connected?

No, they're just Siamese. He's cats, you fuck. Oh, cats. Two little evil fucks. And then there's another one. Then there's another lady that does Bruno. When she adopted Bruno, the cat, Bruno was scratching her and killing her and shit. They had to come get him and put him like in a stray jacket, Bruno.

But over the years, Bruno has matured into a beautiful little cat. How much of your Instagram is just cats? Huh? Do you just see a lot of cats? I don't, I don't know any of these. I just go for-guil. I don't want to see none of your shit on it. I don't want to see one more stand-up sketch.

I don't want to see nothing. I just want to see cats. Anybody who went spot with Bruce Lee, I follow Bruce Lee on there. Every day he drops something on you, even though he's been dead for 50s. Every day Bruce Lee drops up on you. Life is breath, whatever the fuck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. It's crazy how like there's literally everything at all time. Everything. Talking my wife about that with something I'm like, is how did we trade? Because they always said like movies are like not as popular as they were.

And it's like, how did we trade, you know, movies like super bad for power washing a driveway. Like that's literally what people will watch sometimes. Like, and I guess, I don't know. I guess we are just monkeys at the end of the day. I'm not going to watch fucking political shit. Oh, no. I'm sorry.

I don't want to hear about racism and how Julio wasn't allowed in the fucking banjo store. You know, that's not for me, man. I just want to see cats. That's it. I just want to see cats. If you got a dog, you got a dog, too, I got nothing against dogs. I follow a friend of Mike. He's got a German chef.

I got to see his ugly face. And I don't want to put up with him, you know, his ugly family. But the German Shepherd's beautiful. Well, yeah, that's why it's why I think it's, thank God that like at the end of the day, like, if I'm feeling like shit sometimes or if I like, because posting is also like, it's incredibly relentless. But like, that's when I feel good about going to do a spot. And I'm like, fuck, yeah, there's a new bit working.

I was this. I didn't really know have it together. This like a week ago. now I like I found a way to unlock it and like it is it is it feels good to have like a viable real skill because because it does feel like anybody can do internet videos now like you said a fucking cat right anybody could do it's like how the hell am i supposed to yeah sometimes like you put in all this work a good friend of mine will we'll do an incredible skit and like they wrote it they shot it and nobody gives a fuck and then this and then something filmed with a fucking baked potato gets

50 million views because it was something silly that happened at the gym or whatever so it's like it's kind of hard, that feels so good to be able to like actually go. And because stand up is still difficult to do. There's never gonna be a way that's gonna make it like, oh, anybody can do this. That's never gonna happen. We're like AI is gonna, it's coming for all entertainment. It's coming for fucking everything,

but it can't replace in person real connections, which stand up, but I mean, you know, other night there was a packed show. I just, I showed up, I was hoping that like, I did like 15 minutes and it was a pack show. It was so much fucking fun. You know, and it makes up for all the shitty ones you had during that week, right? And it was just like, man, this is what I'm talking about.

People are just, there's an energy to that. And it's just the fucking greatest, man. So I think that that's like, like you always say, everything always comes around. I've been doing this shit for a long time, man. And like the, you also like, Louis C.K. had something great about this. He said, like, when you shave enough of yourself down to fit the algorithm, you're not really making it for. for anybody anymore.

You're making it for an algorithm. You're making it for that. Yeah, you're not making it for people. And I think that's always like- Well, that's what happens in LA. You're a funny- Yeah, that's a good point. You're a funny motherfucker. You got to LA because I've seen this happen.

And all of a sudden your agent pulls your side, a guy who has no idea about anything and tells you that you're not gonna sell a TV show with that material. Yeah, yeah. That you gotta write material for your TV show. And you just killed yourself. Yeah.

You just killed yourself. Now you've got to write these Mickey Mouse jokes that are definitely against your fucking will. That's why to be really funny, you have to tap into yourself. You have to say something that's sometimes going to be rubbish, but it's your truth.

Stand-up is your truth. That's all it is. It's your truth, and it's not people going, well, you know, of you... Like, that's why I hate politics and stand-up. I hate it, because in today's market, there's nothing you could say. I'm not political. I'm a felon,

so I'm never going to drop no political. jargon on you but at the same time I see people no matter what way they go you're gonna be hated you know oh yeah it's no what it was so shut your fucking mouth even if you bring Trump positive as a joke somebody's gonna see I've seen people get fucking furious and leave shows yeah leave shows over political shit I can say if they said your mother has a wooden leg you know something stupid but no they just I don't want to hear it and that's that's what sucks that I never really, that's why I love the comedy store,

because I always said what was in my heart. I didn't give a fuck. And the laugh fact you didn't want to hear it, fine. You go there and you want some people jump up and down and be cute. That's good. The improv, I would go there and always light them up because it's not that type of club. So when you go off a little bit,

I would go off knowing that weren't going to like me. So if you're not going to like me, here, take this. Yeah, take this, motherfucker. And then they would end up liking you because it's your attitude. They don't, it's all your attitude. They don't like it. I know you're not going to like me. I know you guys like Zach Galfanakis.

Why I got nothing against? He's a great guy, but I'm not doing what he's doing. He's clean. He's crazy. And you go in there and drop your knowledge. However the fuck you got to drop it. And they'll go along if they know you're real. Yeah.

If you're up there with your cocktail, sipping and trying to be cool, they're like, fuck this punk. Oh, dude. Fuck this punk. Yeah. I learned a lesson like that in Austin. I moved to Austin after. LA and that's when I was really into stand-up. And that was before Rogan Open, the motherships.

We were doing a lot of shows. Did you go to the Vulcan at all? No. Yeah. But you know they were doing it there, right? Yeah, yeah. And it was a, it's a music venue. It's not really made for comedy.

And like, dude, I would do the, I would do the death squads with Red Band. And, dude, I would, they would fucking, they hated my guts. I had my man bun and my fucking tight jeans. They were like, they were ready to throw fucking chairs at me. They hated me so much. I'd go home and I'd be so depressed. I'm like, I gotta, how the fuck can I just get better at this? And like, I'm, I need to like change what I'm, what I'm doing or whatever.

And I think once I got on stage and I just tried to be who I was, they would get on board because I wasn't trying to like win them over from this superficial kind of way. It was more of just like, you got like, I would go like, I know you guys aren't going like me. Oh, you think I look gay and oh, yada, yada, yada. And like, they would like, all right, I fuck with that. Like Jim Brewer taught me that actually when I opened for him once. But yeah, as long as, as long as you, there is.

is this weird energy that took me a while to start shows that weren't mine where I'd be like the first 20 seconds how you got on stage is really fucking important very yeah like how you take the mic stand I take the mic out of this how you introduce yourself very important yeah it's the whole kit and kaboo it's crazy you could start off real shitty and then no matter how can your material is like fuck this guy the walk yeah pick up that mic right you know the way you talk to the emcee everything. It's so crucial and you've got to be real. These guys that come out giggling and with a drink and they hug the MC and they

I love you so much. Fuck you. Fuck you. Go out there, keep it going fully and just open ass. Just go. Because then they'll go, what the fuck is this? That's what I learned at the open mic last week. Because you always learned something on an open mic. And not that I learned something, but I remembered how you went up early on.

Your first line was so rehearsed. Something happened to me the other day on the way to the store. Now, Nick, if I walk into the house, I'm not going to walk in, slam the door, and go, something happened to me. On the way to Hudson County Parked the other day, no.

I'm going to walk in your house and go, what's up, motherfucker? What's for breakfast, right? What's for dinner? What's going on here? Get that fucking dog away from me. That's how people walk in the house. They don't walk in the house like, man, you know,

I went across the street and I got a piece of corn and I noticed that. And I never had that because I watched the young comedian special with Lenny Clark. And if you watch that special, he says one of the funniest things ever. He comes out in the jump and he goes, how are you guys doing? Something funny happened to me.

No, he goes, something funny happened to me today. But in reality, nothing fuck. No, most comments come out and say, something funny happened to me today, but nothing fucking funny happened with me. And he just grabbed you. I got home at 6th of the morning. My wife, he was yelling.

I had some girlfriend, and he's just going, and you're like, what the fuck is he talking about? And he's already fucking in it. Holy fuck, okay. Wow. That's the way to fuck. Hell yeah. Damn.

That's the way to do it. Lee, can you find that clip up there? Yeah, well, Nick has it. Of what, Lenny Clark on the Young Comedian Special? Young Comedian Special. Lenny L-E-N-N-Y Clark C-A-R-A-K Yep Yeah, C.

Young comedian special He just did the, he just did the mother shit Oh, nice. Yeah. Dude, he still does comedy like every weekend in Boston. Yeah, yeah. He's the real fucking deal. Yeah.

Yeah, man, I wish I was around for fucking the remote's next to you. I wasn't around for this either, but this is what I rented when I got into comedy. Before I got on stage, this is what I used to rent, these young comedian specials. Who's this ugly person?

I like Boston, you see it too. I give this great people, Boston, people like Paul Revere, John Hancock, the Boston Strangler. And I also wore a suit because I had them. But that didn't work. Thank you very, very much. I want to do you all have a good day?

Yeah, my day sucked too. It's okay. I'm not like a lot of these guys you see on TV. Hi, hello, how am I? With a nice looking crowd. Funny thing happened to me today. Nothing fucking funny after me to.

Like that. I get in around 6.55. So I want to play. Sleep. Yeah. I'm like, White comes bouncing in and bits. Come on, let me.

It's nice. Let's why we play. Because she likes that. She's young. She's 15. See, so you can say shit like that. You can't say this shit today. Kill it, kill it.

But that's an opening. Yeah, that's great, man. That's an opening. Yeah. He wasn't thinking, you know, I even put the suit on after him. I went out, I borrowed money, I bought a suit, and I bombed even a lot of it.

So I stopped wearing the suits. Because that's all it is, the first three or four years. It's experimentation. It's not going to work for you. And when you bomb a lot, then you start shaving your head. do then you get like a phony fucking mustache yeah this ain't gonna work yeah I get all the costumes yeah yeah I try changing the hair I'm still fucking crazy it's working and he's a stare I'm not saying

anything against him but like do you think any of it had to do with like Rodney was there and like rodney's crowd gets it Rodney's crowd would be okay with it no no you think that you think that would have got the same response anywhere anywhere okay he came out and he said most guys come out and say I had a great day blah blah blah blah nothing fucking funny happened to me today just that stupid line that also is you know i always if you could take the curse word out and the joke isn't as funny i i understand when comedians say that like when you need the curse but that was a perfectly placed fuck because you thought you thought he was like this you know white bread guy and you and he you could he that was

his way of telling you i have an edge he looks like danny tanner but he fucking talks like a real guy I like that wild. Yeah, I like that a lot because it was like, he came like, hey, you guys are a nice audience? And I was like, fuck you guys. It was like a nice term. I think that's why that worked for him too

because it was telling people that he was real. And just watching that, that stayed with me for 28 years. I was like, why am I going to come out? I had a ride here. Fuck no. Yeah. You take that Superman cape on

and you fucking go out there and jump on them. It's like anything else. Once the last time he saw a fight, that fucking black guy comes out and throws 55 punches out. a few minutes straight. That's tough to recover from it. Even if he connects or he doesn't.

You just got 55 punches thrown at you. Whether he got you in the face or got you in the stomach, doesn't matter. You just locked you. Oh, that's a pretty good analogy. But he's still got your attention. Yeah.

You got my fucking attention now. And even if the first 55 jokes don't work, you got three minutes left. You know what I'm saying? You fucking got three minutes to bail out. I love it. I love the mechanics of it. I love how you fucking, like,

now I'm trying to write. It is the worst, Eric, the worst. I'm going to the worst writer's block. Yeah, you hate it? Right, I get ideas, I break it down, and all that shit is going against my core. This is what I'm starting to think, and I'm thinking too much into it.

Oh, hell, yeah. Just do what you did for years. Put music on, smoke pot, and see what life brings you. That's it, and take a ride. But now I'm thinking too much. Like, I'm like, oh, I'm breaking it down, like fucking Jean Perrette. You ever get one of his books?

Gene Peret's comedy writing. He used to write for, like, Lucille Ball. So his ideas are 1965, you're on. You ever just do like a stream of consciousness? Just write. Yes.

I'm not even trying to be funny. When I get up in the morning. Yeah, that's good. That's what I do. I just let it go. And then you look at it after the shower and you're like, I got problems. Yeah.

What the fuck was this? Fuck. What the fuck is this? I spelled house wrong. Yeah. Because you're just writing. You just don't think. But then I do my,

I like to write in the afternoon. and then think about it on this ride up. And then tonight when I go home, everybody's asleep. So I go downstairs, I smoke my pot, I put my sandals on, and I could fucking tap out on that. And then the next morning, I look at it. If there's something I like, I keep it. If there's something I don't like, I get rid of it.

I get high in the morning and see if it makes me giggle. If it passes the giggle test, then it stays. I like to fucking break down, like, you know when you got that joke, when you start laughing like a fucking faddle. by yourself and your wife has to come and go, what the fuck are you laughing about? And you're like, you're not gonna believe it.

Yeah, my wife, I love coming out of my office. I like, and I'll say something, I'm like, I don't really get it. And I'm like, you don't fucking know anything. I always talk about it. That's the worst. And they shoot you. Of course, my wife, my wife's always.

You're shut your fucking mouth. My wife's always like, I don't get it. I'm like, I'm never fucking saying anything to you again. I don't get it. No, you're not gonna get it. You're a fucking housewife. Watching fucking, uh, you're over here entertain with this fucking limey shit.

I just, I didn't interrupt her from making fucking eggs. Of course I'm going to laugh. Do you write on stage ever? Oh, yeah, that's where most of your good shit comes, right? Yeah, 90%. What is that about? I don't get it. Like, there'll be a bit of... You know, it's about, you got a gun to your fucking head. You do your best work. You know, you go out there

there's 400 sets of highballs looking at you. And they're like this. Up in the front, you're like, uh, there's no time to freeze up. That's the best way to fucking write with a gun to you had. End the story. I was doing this bit. I was practicing it. Like rehearsing, seeing how I was going to say it perfectly.

Did it a couple of times. Then randomly, I did it over the weekend. And I had a tag that I was like, where the fuck did that come from? You know, like I sat there with the material and nothing, this didn't come to me. But in the moment, I always, that always happens to me. Like, I can try, but you have to, right? Yeah, it's one of those things that you had, I don't know, or they bring it out of you or you get into a flow state. You get to a flow state or whatever.

Like, yeah. It's fucking wild. Yeah. I did a. One of Ari's things, the one with the nun. I did a thing about a story that I beat up a nun in the fourth grade and stuff. A couple weeks ago, I was just stuck for material, and I put it on. And I kept it low.

I didn't watch, but I listened as I wrote, just to see if something came out. I listened to it, and I fucking go, I got to listen to this again. Five or six things, I came up with that night on stage. Wow. I didn't even have them. I wrote the blueprint to it before I left the house, but I didn't really tag it. I just wrote the story out and said,

let God put whatever he feels. He'll figure it out. And that's exactly what I did. And when I want one of the funniest things I said on that, came up that night. Like I would not think that out at all. But when you have 100 eyeballs looking at you, shit. Yeah, that's so funny.

I hate to be too weird or hippie-dippy, but there is an energy that like you tap into You make better love when she's not staring at you than when they're just looking at you in the bottom. Like, what are you doing? You're trying to like fucking look around because you're a wild man, right? You ever get looked at when you're making love

it ain't good? It ain't good, right? Derek posted. Derek posted has a great joke. He said he was having sex with his wife in the middle, she scratched her face. Just look at him, she's just like in the middle of it. The fuck you don't do it's scratching your face and shit.

But it's really weird. That's, I think that's, when you let that's what i think is going out with me i'm i'm just got a block and i'm trying to write differently like i'm trying to write like yeah i think it too much john malaney oh and that's not gonna fucking work for me i'm no john mollay you know i'm saying i was doing cocaine the other day oh my god when i found that that that motherfucker did coke and cheat on his wife i'm like oh that dude's crazy you're like maybe i am john molyly crazy motherfucker because he looks like the nicest Catholic kid in America.

Mm-hmm. I think he had plastic surgery, though. That's okay. He's good looking as fucking. No, I'm just saying. It's funny that, like, that kind of guy, he looks like he wouldn't be into that, right? I don't know.

Looks like an accountant. He used to Coke and cheating. Who knew? I thought he was like a nice kid that went to church on Sunday. Hung out with nice white people and they went to museums and looked at ducks. I think they do Coke too, though. I think people who like ducks do Coke too. I thought that they did Coke.

I was like, Jesus Christ, these stand-ups have no stuff. shame. Yeah, man. No shame in that fucking game. Where are you at this weekend, Eric? I have, uh, I'm June 28th. I'm at Westbury Music Fair in Westbury, New York in Long Island. It's a big place. And then, uh, AC after that. I have some time off. I have a new baby, so I'm trying to be home. How old is the baby? He's 10 months old yesterday. What's his name? I haven't told anybody his name. Um, I could tell you. What do you call? I call him Zosie. Okay. Because his name is in. Okay, but, yeah, but, um, yeah, I don't know.

I'm just weird about like, uh, I mean, I, I, I, I, nobody knows. I'm not fucking famous, but like, you know, a lot of people on Stanton. I'll know who I am and I don't want him like know his face or his name or anything. You missed that in Iowa? I'm, I live there now, yeah. Oh, you went back. I did, yeah. Okay.

I don't know if we're gonna end up there. We're renting, uh, a place, uh, but we'll see. My wife wants to go to Jersey, she wants land. She thinks she's gonna be a farmer or something. I don't know what the fuck she's doing with all this land. But, you know, so we'll see. So I got passed at the comedy seller. Okay.

Then I was like, I gotta move back to New York. And then I did it because I was like, we'll test out now. I don't know if we can go back to be that close to my family. I was like, because we lived in LA, then we lived in Austin and we loved our freedom. And then when I moved back, she just, We were married for a year, so she wasn't gonna wait any longer.

She's like, we have to have a child. So I, I'm glad we're there. Cause like when I, like you mentioned comedy works, I was in Denver like two months ago. And then I went to like Salt Lake and I did Vegas. And I was, so I was gone for like six days. And it was great. She got to go for walks with my sister and my nieces

and she could hang out her mom. Whereas if she was in Austin, she would just been alone. So like, almost person. Yeah. So yeah. I mean, you know, I love, I still love, I still love Staten Island.

I know that it has a bad reputation, but I'm from there, so I see it differently. It's like the uncle that molested you. It's like, but he's still my uncle at the end of the day. I'm from Jersey, and I still love it. Yeah, no, I mean. You know what I still love it. I had a choice to move anywhere when I left L.A.

I got to move to anywhere. And I was like, it's time to go back home. Oh, dude. Like, I want my daughter to experience this. I want her to see the shit. She's not going to do what I did, mugging people and fucking around North Bergen. But I wanted to see.

see what we saw growing up you know I'm real close to the city there you could throw a fucking rock yeah don't you feel too that like when you um I don't know people who I don't want to judge anyone but like when I you meet people who are from the middle

of fucking nowhere and they like their whole personality is how much they hate their hometown I can't I don't know I kind of I feel bad for them but like I feel like it's a privilege to not despise where you're from Now I understand if you're gay or if you're in an interracial relationship and you're from somewhere super like oppressive.

I understand that and never wanting to go back. But like it's become like a thing to like hate where you're from. And I think that it's more normal to like I loved my childhood. I loved growing up there. I loved how Staten Island made you had to be you had to be street smart. You had to be tough. You couldn't be a pussy. People would smell that out of you and you would fucking get, you know, I grew up fighting.

And it teaches you real lessons. and I don't hate it the way that like you're supposed to. I think people are, what the fuck you're still doing there? It's like, well, I grew up there. Everything I know is there. I love the food there. And,

you know, I don't know. I think that that's more normal. Like, I had friends in LA that never went home for Christmas or anything. It was like, I kind of felt bad for them. I didn't go. I didn't go where to go. I got no parents. So it's either my family or my wife's family in Tennessee.

No, that's not happening for Christmas. You in Tennessee would be pretty much. That's not happening for Christmas. Listen, man, I don't agree with a lot of views that people in North Bergen have. I don't. Of course. But it's who made me. The reason why I got on stage, the reason why I didn't take shit from people out there

was because what I learned out in those fucking streets. So I could never hate it. I love the East Coast. I mean, Manhattan's a little fucking weird now. You know, it's not my favorite place. It's never going to be the same as it was in the 80s and the 70s. Yeah. But it is what it is.

And this over here, like this side, this, North Jersey, this is my world. I love it. Yeah. Why I live now, it's not bad. But if it wasn't for Staten Island people, they'd still be eating macaroni and cheese down there. And fish sticks. Yeah, you live in Staten Island, the sequel, basically. I live in the sequel, okay?

And I'm very happy that they're there. Yeah. My best friend is Chris and Steve Murdo. I mean, they're like the mother. They went to Moore. You know, I hear all the stories. My neighbors on this side are from fucking Staten Island Yeah

Half the people I play volleyball with Not volleyball bachi I'm from volleyball I'm thinking about Gabby for you She plays volleyball in mourning too You know and I used to go down there In 1998 And that was a Chinese place

Crown Palace down there Not your Crown Palace in the bakery But it's a Chinese joint But when I went back All those fucking places Staten Island And Butchies Oh, yeah.

Fucking all those places. And those people made that area. That's Marlborough. That's all farms down there. That's all fucking farms. Yeah. So if it wasn't for these Staten Island people bringing their food and their flavor, these motherfuckers are still being fucking fish sticks.

It would just be Wawa. Yeah, just be Wawa. This Wawa's good. Let's go home and listen to Bruce Springsteen. Let's listen to Bruce Springsteen and I realize that he's a liberal. Yeah, but no. Now, now, Staten Island and the food and just the attitude, it keeps me together.

It keeps my powder dry. Yeah, dude, they're regular people. They're construction workers. And I love it. I'm doing Staten Island January 31st, the St. George Theater. I'll be there. Fuck yeah, I'm doing it. I'm excited.

I'm going to call World Crown. I'm going to call these fucking people. Everybody brings you. Oh, coming. I'll be there. 50 of the fattest people I know to fucking Staten Island. I'm bringing them up from Texas. I'm bringing them up on a barge.

Like those Puerto Ricans, the Mexicans that hit the bridge, that'll be me with a ship full of fat people from fucking Dallas and Houston, the two fattest cities in the country. 800 or more. Nobody left than 800. Even Lee won't be invited, you know what I'm saying? Everyone who got like denied by Dr. Now. Yeah, everybody got denied by the Armenian.

Yeah. What's his name? Dr. Now, yeah. Dr. Whatever's fucking name. Oh, dude, that's going to be great. That's a great theater. Have you been there for? It's fucking beautiful.

Oh, dude. I do it every year. It's incredible. Once a year you do? You should go. I didn't see that. Fuck it, once a month. I did, I did two.

I think we're gonna, I wanna push it a little into next year this time, because it's like, I don't know, I'm trying to keep it special, but I'm there every, just, I'm just teasing you. Fuck, Staten Island ain't that big. I did a book signing in Staten Island. Yeah? And it was great.

Yeah. It was great. I mean, you could be, I mean, you basically. Oh yeah, I'm a Staten, I'm a white trash fucking Italian myself, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, when I went to Staten Island, and the mothers that was showing up, mothers in Staten Island, Oh, they don't give a fuck.

They don't give a fuck. Tidies in your face. They don't give a fuck. They get divorced, they shoot their lips, and they're back. They put some size eight on a size eight and a half, where the fat hangs over the heel, and there you are. Lepard leggings and they're- Looking like Peggy Bundy.

And they bring food, which, you know, that's a class act. That's a, what a woman shows up with a cake she made or something. Yeah. Then, no, they were very good. We had a good time. Eric, it's been a fucking play. Yes, sir. pleasure. I wish you nothing but luck. I know in 10 years from now, if I'm still alive,

I'll see you directing fucking movies like one of these guys and hopefully you'll think of me and put an old man. So I get insurance for two years. Give me like 70 grand. Just insurance for two years. I love you, man. Thank you so much, man. What's the soonest date that we can tell? Soonest date, Westbury, New York. It's Westbury Music Fair June 28th. So come see me on the 27th and go see him on the 28th. Fuck yeah. Lee, what's up? Where are you at this week? The 12th. I'm on Gaff West in New York,

and then the 13th and 14th. I'm opening up for Josh Wolf at the Albany Funny Boom. Oh, so you were in New York this week? I am. Ain't that nice? How far have a drive? Two hours, nothing bad? No, that's nothing.

No, it's going to be great. It's going to be awesome. All right. It's a good club. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you for the bread.

He's like, what do you want? What should I bring? Just bring your person out. That's it. And your teeth. That's it. I love you, motherfuckersers. Have a great week.

We'll see you next Tuesday. Stay black. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, making money moves should be easy. That's why there's Cash App. Cash App is fast and safe. No extra hoops to jump through, no extra stress. All the tools are right there in front of you to help you cash in.

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