The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - From beyond the grave, Happy Birthday!
Episode Date: September 30, 2025Joey Diaz sends the worst birthday card ever and plans his own funeral. SHOW NOTES Support the show and get 15% off your Bioma order with the code JOEY at https://gobioma.com/church...
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Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee.
What's happened, beautiful people?
Uncle Joey and his trusted, savage, Mr. Lee, boom, boom, Syatt,
the director from Isbiel, Israel.
It's another new episode of the church of what's happening now.
New Testament coming at you.
It's September the 30th.
It's over.
Rent day tomorrow and you're still looking at yourself thinking,
what am I going to do?
You know what I'm saying?
I know what you're going to do?
Nothing.
What's up, dog?
Good to see you, dude.
Good to see you.
Very interesting weekend.
I know. Very interesting all the way around. People mad about comics going to Riyadh, wherever. They're going over to Saudi Arabia. Did they call you? Huh? Do they call you? Oh, every day they called me to go to Saudi. Are you fucking kidding me?
I would love to see you at that festival.
No, you wouldn't because they have a list of rules.
What are the rules?
I don't know.
You can't say much.
Listen, all I learned about this was online and comics hating, you know, people hate and why
they're going to go on a list, man.
They're going to pick up an envelope.
A big one.
A big one.
Okay?
Your butts hurt because you're not picking up an envelope.
I don't know what to tell you.
Is it against American policy?
Is it against?
I don't know.
Would I go?
me, I'm scared.
Because I get to Saudi Arabia and the steak don't taste like steak, I'm getting back on the plane.
That's why I don't travel because I'm scared.
I already went to Jamaica one time.
And on the car ride, I remember looking at the chickens and they were skinny as fuck.
And I'm like, I'm not eating that shit.
And I remember going to the hotel and everything looked bad.
It was, I was shooting a movie and everything was inclusive.
Right.
Everything was bad.
And I'm like, where else can I eat?
And I'm like, no, we got to go right now.
We're leaving.
And I left. They fired me.
They fired.
I got to be honest, they have oil money.
I think the steaks are going to taste great.
I think you're going to, the bacon's going to suck.
There's no bacon.
Like I saw a picture, Chappelle come in and somebody hands them something to drink.
If that's a hummus shot, I got to throw it right back in their face.
I can't eat that.
That's against policy.
Do you really think they walk around giving people hummish?
I don't, listen.
I don't know.
I just.
They might.
It's the problem with everything now is that.
Everybody's got a fucking opinion and everybody's got a complaint.
You know, you can't go on YouTube no more.
YouTube, my first page of YouTube is a fucking cry fest.
Of who's selling out, who's woke, who's anti-woke, this comedy scene in Austin.
It's, it's, and everybody's hating.
Nobody's popping anybody up.
Nobody's going, hey, man, this is what's going on.
It's just 15 videos of fucking, you know, how everybody's doing.
doing everything wrong.
Well, it's sad, but like, you put up a video that says a comic gives love to all of
his favorite comics and get six views, put up a video, so-and-so is a pedophile or whatever.
Like, that's going to get 8 million views.
That's just, it's the way it works.
But listen, man, people say shit on YouTube that they shouldn't.
Because there's a lot of people overstepping their, I don't know what people call them.
Young kids call it something.
Staying out of getting in your lane or something?
No, when you put a video up.
It really takes you somewhere else or something.
Oh, clickbait?
Something like that.
I don't even know what it means.
There's a couple of those expressions.
Right.
I just thought, it's like when you see an article and it goes,
UFC fighter, but they show a picture John Jones.
Gets in trouble.
And then you click it, and it's really some fucking white kid in Iowa that got a DUI.
Right, yeah.
I don't know, you know, that type of shit.
They do a lot of that.
But still, it's, my point is everybody's got a fucking opinion now.
So everybody's going to have, and it seems like late.
in the world we live in today,
people have more bad opinions
than good things to say.
Especially on the internet.
There's never, you know,
it's, and then if you do get good stuff,
there's always that one guy that throws a curb ball at you.
You're like, where does come from?
Like, where's this come from?
Mad about something from, like, years ago?
Where does it come from?
You're like, okay, they're mad at that.
But, like, you know, I just,
I just learned about the Riad,
festival. Right. It was funny because I saw a big agent Saturday night and I looked at him and I go,
how come into that reality? He goes, I'm not going over there. He goes, why do you want to go next
year? And I was like, I don't think so. I got no passport. That honestly, dude, that must have
saved you so. I mean, I know it sucks. You can't go to some places. But just to not even have
that on your radar must be great. Because people, they've done some crazy. It's like not a good
place to take money from.
But they're also giving people,
like they had that golf league
that was like hundreds of millions of dollars.
They gave the guy a hundred million dollars.
The soccer guy they gave a billion dollars to.
500 million they gave them.
Yeah, 500 million.
And that's nothing for them.
Oh, yeah.
That's a piggy bank in there.
Under the fucking table, they forgot about it.
There's no budget for anything.
And I'm going to be honest with you.
Is it our Abu Dhabi,
and I know you probably don't know,
but is Abu Dhabi and Dubai?
Are these all the same places?
Dog, I got an effing geography.
I don't know where you're asking me this shit.
Because who's the one that's sponsoring the NBA?
That's Saudi Arabia too, and that's Riyadh.
And like they're on every NBA floor.
Like, every NBA floor has Saudi Arabia.
And I don't...
I would love to have...
Everyone thinks they have morals.
But I have to be honest,
if I got offered a $200,000 check to do stand-up,
that's kind of hard.
It's hard to turn down.
I'd like to think I would.
Remember we discussed a couple months ago for weeks,
the moment before?
Listen, there's, look, what's the guy who's dating,
the blonde chick in Kansas City?
Oh.
Football player, Travis Kelsey.
Yeah.
He got paid $10 million for those epic.
I want you guys to think about that.
even at home, $10 million.
You're sitting there.
Some guy calls you $10 million to put your face on those end picket.
I don't know.
Listen, I'm not talking about COVID vaccines.
I don't want nobody to think I'm doing out misinformation.
We're just talking here.
We're just talking with all the good and bad in the world that's going on with COVID and the vaccine.
He took $10 million.
What would you do?
Now, if you were a guy that was making, you know, $100,000 a year,
that's one thing.
But this guy's been getting paid.
Okay, and at the middle of all that, he stopped.
And, you know, some people call it selling their soul.
I don't know what he's got going on.
Maybe he's got a mother that's sick.
You know, I know she's not.
Maybe because that's a mom that used to go to two games in one day.
Like she was driving and then fly.
You know, I don't know what's going on there.
Maybe he's got a niece with autism.
Maybe he's got a nephew in a wheelchair.
I don't fucking know.
And that's what we don't know before we are fucking assume
or what the fuck is going on.
I mean, half of the comics on that list
have more money than God.
You think so.
So I can't imagine what they're giving them,
what they're giving them.
But people have to,
this is what the world we live in.
People are pissed about the Hoc Tour girl.
We get pissed about anybody who,
it's like that thing that they talked about
in Godfather of Harlem
when they started their black thing,
their own black mafia.
and he goes, you know, it's like black people.
And they should have said black people, because this is everybody.
You know, once you're in a crew and the crab that's trying to get out of bucket, they pull them down.
And that's what it seems like to me on the internet these days.
Like, I saw something maybe two weeks ago about music.
This is fucking Led Zeppelin.
I just went to put Led Zeppelin on YouTube.
You know, sometimes you hit the bar and it rolls up by mistake.
And it rolled up.
And it rolled up.
And there was like, these guys suck.
They wouldn't make it around today.
And I'm like, why would you, that's Led Zeppelin.
Even Led Zeppelin gets hate mail.
Yeah.
So if Led Zeppelin gets fucking hate mail, what does that tell you?
Hey, you should feel lucky to get hate mail.
How the fuck do you say?
I mean, these guys put out nine albums, 10 albums.
I don't know how many albums they've sold.
They had a song that they stole.
It's controversial.
They got away with it.
You know, I don't know how many kids.
got buried to stairway to heaven.
From 1975
to 1990, every time
you went to a wake, at least
in Hudson County, they had stairway
to heaven on. No, they didn't. Yes, they did.
A million kids have died and
stairway to heaven. When my mom died,
I played it. It's just a natural
stupid fucking thing you do.
Is that? That was the number
one most requested song in the
country for probably 22
or 23 years.
I get on the radio, but at a wake,
seems a little inappropriate.
Doug, I had motherfuckers that put kiss on it away.
They don't give a fuck.
This is not some county, motherfucker.
Oh, Jews do it very differently.
Go to a Cuban way.
They got a salsa band, not on salsa album.
They got three Cubans with conga drums,
fucking on a Moroccan, people are dancing.
And you're like, it's a fucking deathbed.
But guess what?
Not a bad idea.
No, they're having fun.
Because how sad can you beat them sit there and cry
when half-dressed women are playing?
And, you know, people.
People are sweating and shit.
Jesus.
I hate that I'm asking you this, but I feel like you're going to have a yes.
Have you started planning?
Like, do you have a plan for your funeral?
Yeah, I want them to burn me.
Oh, Jesus.
Right, in the little box, and then we'll give out packages.
We'll have, I told my wife I want a little ceremony where you give out of the ash to everybody.
And they get to take home like a mask card, but it's a picture of my balls on the mass.
on the mask card.
Two fucking balls in my prime.
So you'll always remember who the fuck I was.
The documentary balls are like,
not the ugly face, not the no teeth,
not the Trump ear,
none of that shit,
not my pigeon toe,
not my fungi toe.
You're going to go home
and have to put that on your refrigerator.
Two fucking Cuban nuts
with that birth mark in the middle.
How you like me now?
Even from the grave,
I'm haunting you motherfuckers.
I'm getting a thousand of those.
So they're going to be,
uh,
I like these items also.
That is going to be nice.
Are you going to sign any?
No, I'm just going to give them out.
But there's only going to be like 500 of them.
It's like having a credit card from Dan, from, what's that restaurant?
We go to Brooklyn.
What's the joint, the steakhouse where you walk over the bridge?
Lugers, yeah.
Peter Lugers.
Peter Lugers.
You ever got a Peter Lugar credit card?
I haven't been there yet.
That's when you know you're a bad motherfucker when you throw that card down and go, what?
You know, have you heard, like, some celebrities, they've figured out so their wives get flowers every week.
I like the ball card idea, but knowing you, you should have, like, you should give like this company money, be like, just send them out to these lists of, like, these addresses.
Because can you imagine people getting in the mail a card and your balls, like 10 years?
Geniusly.
Just still.
Or like fucking Federal Express knock on your door.
Yeah.
When you're in the shower, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, ding.
Bing, bon, and you open.
It's a picture of my nuts.
From Beyond the Grave.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday.
That's genius.
Bro, we should start that company.
That was the company and things are doing them when you're dead.
You put tapes down and then when your grandkids grow old and they want advice from you,
you go down there, you put the tapes on.
Right.
And they showed the one guy, listen.
Treat women like shit like I treated your grandmother.
They're all things.
And you're fucking.
But this one is just pictures of your balls.
That's it.
To everybody.
Can you imagine it's your birthday?
And you get one of those Federal Express at your doors with my balls.
Happy birthday from beyond the grave.
That's the fucking card.
Oh.
Let me tell you something.
That'll send you into fucking hysteria.
He's still alive.
He's like that Cuban woman.
He's in Cuba.
She finally died.
The chick that shot the cop.
Two bucks there.
She was hiding in Cuba.
Damn, I had no idea.
She was hiding.
How long has she been hiding there?
And they couldn't even go down there and get her out.
what was that
that type?
That's fucked up
70 years in Cuba
but yeah
all those things
I don't
you know
I don't want to plan
my funeral
no
it's boring
it's fucking
but you want people
to be alive
like I went
somewhere
the other night
I went somewhere
that should have been
alive
I went to a comedy show
and I walked
in the back
and it was like
a Netflix shooting
and it was
like a fucking church
and I had
two joints
of moon rock
in my pocket
and I'm in the
And I took about 20 minutes of that disaster,
and I fucking asked one of the camera guys,
I go, you got a liar?
He goes, yeah, you can't smoke in the aga dog.
It's a fucking Morgan here.
We got to set the herb man free.
I just started smoking.
People were looking at me.
I had three heads.
I was clapping by myself.
Like an idiot.
I took two of those fucking 500 milligrams from in the cloud.
I had a thousand milligrams in me.
I went to the first show,
and then I shot over the fucking Smith,
the Wollenski, and I devour a split green pea soup with croutons in it.
Then I fucking dug into the fucking steak.
I had some tuna tartar.
It wasn't bad, but it's not my favorite, but it was good.
I wanted the protein, you know what I'm saying?
I'm not in the bat.
I'm an old man, I need protein.
And I got the fucking steak.
And I smoked another moon rock, and I went back up there.
And then things got deep, and I told the driver, let's go.
motherfucker.
And that was it.
I was home by 1115 Saturday night.
I had a way for Mercy.
Mercy went to Great Adventure.
And she got home at like midnight.
I'm like, fuck.
With 12-year-old to get home at midnight,
what did I do wrong?
You had to wait for her.
I'm going to check her eyes,
make sure she's not drinking and shit, you know.
Oh, she went with just her friends?
Yeah, like 10 of them,
10 little 8-year-old.
Do you check her eyes?
Oh, fuck, yeah.
I want to see when she walks in the door.
I want to see that she's not disheveled.
You know, I want to make sure
because I don't like that.
If somebody does say something to me,
She's right.
She walked in here like OJ after he killed his wife
or fucked up.
Eyes all over the goddamn place.
See, I can't have that.
Eyes like O.J.
You got to wait for your kid.
And I have to let her know now
that I'm going to be awake
every time she walks in that fucking door.
So I got to set a president today,
not tomorrow, not threatening with it.
I didn't mind that she was out until midnight.
Listen, what's the option?
She's going to sit in that fucking room
and watch Brooklyn.
9-99 until midnight,
then come down and watch the honeymooners
until one with me. I rather
her, she's only going to learn about life
if I kick her out of the fucking house.
Right. You know, to a degree.
Her mother wasn't with her. My mother had her own problems.
Was this the first time that? I got a fucking teeth
yanked out. She wasn't leaving the goddamn
house at all. I got to keep bringing her back
Carvel milkshakes.
Because that's all she could eat for two days.
Did you get one for yourself? The first day
I went. I got a 12-pound,
small, thin. And he...
It's the owner, the Chinese guy.
He knows how to make a shake.
Nice.
Velvet.
See, I finally found my first thick one in the city.
But I don't want to, I don't want to leave the mercy stuff.
Was this the first time that you had to wait up for her?
I was nervous about it all night because I knew, first of all, she was punished.
So when she came to me and she goes, dad, a bunch of girls are going to go on out.
I go, listen, you got a fucking deferred sentence.
Which means if you fuck up again, I'm going to bang you out with the,
two weeks. I'm going to add another two weeks. And I'm going to take your phone. I'm going to jump
up and down on top at 80 times. So note, that's the fucking punishment if you fuck with me again,
okay? So you could go, go have a good time. I offer the money. She goes, no, I got my own cash.
She's out of her mind. She went down there. But when she came home, she had like a ripped shirt,
like a, like she was a spooky Halloween character. I don't, listen, I don't ask. I just look for
scratches and shit.
I looked at the nails to see if there was blood in them,
whatever the fuck.
Because God knows.
So I just had, listen, I believe in that shit.
I know how I grew up,
and I wish there would have been somebody there most nights.
They would do surprise attacks.
So I would always, and in those days, you come home and you're like,
fuck, I just wasted that vizine for nothing.
And some CK.
Cone or something, because you got to put cologne on,
CK, you got to think out a little bit of,
and you couldn't get Listerine in small bottles then.
Bonaca or scope, scope.
Right.
And I wouldn't even spit it out.
I just drink it because you know it's in your fucking testicles, whatever the fuck it is.
Yeah, but then I also, like, doesn't that also just prove you're guilty?
Like, why else you come and come home smelling like mouthwash it to in the morning?
I did always.
Oh, no, every kid does it.
It's just.
But who the fuck knows?
But you have to be prepared if they're awake.
Yeah, my eyes is real bright right now.
Sometimes she knew I drank.
So I could always blame it on, but she also.
knew I wasn't a drinker.
She knew it from watching.
Your mom?
Yeah, she's watched the refrigerator.
There's no beer's missing in my house.
There's no alcohol missing.
Every once in a while somebody'd come over and I go,
you want to pour some out and pull water in it or something?
You know.
Right.
But no.
I wasn't a drinker, so she trusted me with that.
So if I had booze on my breath, she didn't give a fuck.
She knew I only had one beer.
And then she'd tell me, put the toilet next to your fucking bed because you're going to
puke.
Because she knew I was an alcohol puker.
Oh, damn.
That was the giveaway.
I always got sick.
And you were 15 when your mom passed?
Yeah, 16.
So it was like two years before that I drank.
One night I went to that kid who was here.
I told you to Villo and they were drinking out of the garbage can.
And I fucking woke up in a lawn a block and a half from his house.
And I got woken up by a cop that we used to play basketball with that was a great man.
But he wore college sucks.
In the 70s, that was a no-no in our neighborhood.
If you had sneakers on like these idiots today that you see,
with sandals on and colored socks,
that's a beating in North Bergen.
That was a beat.
How severe ever beaten?
Just a couple of smacks to the face
and go home and put the right socks off.
Even the high school threw you out
because in those days, they said
if you cut your foot, the ink from the sock
would leak into the cut and you die.
Right.
So the fucking school even had a rule.
No colored fucking socks.
So like Spanish kids, they didn't want to do gym
so they wear like the Puerto Rican socks,
like the guinea socks
with the fucking strings and shit.
No.
Jim, you get an app for the day.
Hey, you weren't allowed to wear that, wear those shit.
Now people wear black socks up to ear
with flip-lops. 20 years ago, they call you in an alley.
Come in a little. I want to give you something.
And just want to make sure I under it, it's white socks.
White socks, always.
So he used to, whenever he wore black socks, we would foul him.
That was our thing.
Whenever he wore the black socks.
I know.
Because they're young.
They don't fucking know the rules.
I've always worn black socks.
Yeah, I know.
It's not.
Well, the white ones get all stained.
Yeah, I know.
I've always worn a black.
I got a pus stain by my pink fungi toenail.
You got a pus stain on your toe?
It's a joke.
It's a joke.
I don't think it is a joke.
It's a joke.
But anyway, we play and he'd wear the black socks.
We'd foul him, heavy duty.
Under the basket, we'd all jump on him, a karate chop and shit.
So he got the hint.
He started wearing white socks.
But he picked me up.
He woke me up at 6 in the morning on Richie Sinsouloulo's lawn.
And said what?
you're fucking drunk, Coco
you have to go home
and you put me in the cop car
and you knocked on my door
and my mother answered the fucking door
and she would happen
and I picked her up,
picked them up on a lawn
and my mother smelled the alcohol
and the whole fucking deal.
Are you gonna be
because like my
I grew up in a very strict house
like none of that was cool
and then
like I mean you are who you are
like what if she came home
smelling like something
If I came home
No, what if she came home?
Like how strict are you going to be?
Are you going to like, is she allowed to drink?
I mean, what are you?
Now she's way too young, I would imagine, but.
Let me explain something to you.
The children that are out today,
at least in my neighborhood and when I talk to parents,
these kids don't do much.
They're not looking at it like we did.
It's not, kids today aren't growing up with drugs around.
Like kids and like my kids,
And like in my town, a lot of parents smoke pot.
Don't smoke.
They take gummies.
Right.
That's in the 70s, it was mother's little helper.
You know what I'm saying?
So that drinking shit ain't isn't like here.
Remember, I grew up in a place where right across that fucking bridge,
I get whatever I want at whatever fucking time I want.
That's a very ugly concept to have in your mind when you're right here
and you're 10 minutes away from the most outrageous city in the world at that time.
I know.
From peep shows to alcohol to drugs on the street to the village.
You had this Central Park, McSawley's Alehouse, to Washington Square Park.
You had this whole thing where it was drug kind of ridden in those days, you know?
I'm not saying there's no drugs in New York City.
There's tons of fucking drugs.
But it's not in your face no more.
Like the kids are not...
I've heard that drinking's down for sure.
Drinking's down.
Drinking's down.
I guarantee vaping and smoking pot's got to be up at that age.
I don't know.
I'm not a fucking whatever.
But there's always going to be, like people are going to find it.
But yeah, I think you're right that probably stuff is on the way down.
But she's going to, everyone, experiments.
Listen, she's getting exposed to it right now.
Yeah.
Okay.
The best thing I'm doing right now, she's never seen me smoke.
But she smells it.
when you're exposed to it and you see the effects,
like if she goes to school and they're like,
you know, marijuana causes narcolepsy,
and it causes this and it causes that and it'll make you,
she's sitting in the back going,
my fucking dad smokes every fucking day.
Right.
And he's tip-top magoo.
He's functioning.
He has a job.
He does this.
He goes to the gym.
He talks from my mom.
He goes to dates with my mom.
I mean, what the fuck?
So it was the same for me.
when I was growing up, and it was even worse in the 70s of propaganda.
Right.
The anti-smoke.
I had a godfather who picked me up every Saturday on his own merit
and take me to Times Square and take me to a movie,
and he'd take me to the Tad Steakhouse, and he'd take me to see like girls dance, you know,
like even at a young age.
You go, come on, he like girls, right?
And I go, I don't know.
Yeah, he like girls.
But he always smoked.
And all that happened to him was he giggled.
and his eyes would get red.
And then he'd go to work on Monday through Friday
and pick me up on Saturdays.
So for years, you hear this rhetoric
of what marijuana does to you.
And I'd look at him and I go,
I don't know what they're talking about.
This guy didn't have long hair.
He didn't play rock music.
You know, it's...
Yeah, I get that.
But, I mean, I think there has to be a limit somewhere.
Like, you wouldn't want her smoking now, I don't think.
Fuck, no.
I don't ever want to smoke.
I don't ever want her to do
the things are,
I did. That's what you want for your child. Listen, in six years, she might be somewhere,
she might start smoking when she's 16 or 17. But I doubt it. Because she's really into
athletic shit. Right. And she was telling me one time, she goes, maybe you don't breathe good
because all those years you're smoking that, you know, they listen to that shit. It's a different
child today. So you pray for the best. Right. You don't want them to get hurt and for the
to get pain medication and then shoot the gap for heroin or something like this these are things
you want to avoid but you see them you see them as a parent you see them as a human being so
all i want to do is listen i have to accept whatever happens but i also have to monitor what goes on
in my house i came from my house where alcohol was king i don't drink don't fucking tell me i came
from my house where there was a weapon in the house
at all the fucking time.
I knew how to clean a gun when I was a kid.
You don't see me carrying a weapon.
I never shot up to school.
I don't have a violent pass like that.
So do you understand?
Like, this is what's made me think
about when you put it in front of kids,
you know, if I have a fucking gun
and you have to climb up and get on stairs
and then open up a safe,
maybe that intrigues to mind.
I know it would intrigue me.
If I get home at three and my father don't get home until five,
I'm going to try to get that fucking safe.
Right, of course.
And I know George has done it.
We've all done it.
We get intrigued and we look through our parents' shit and all that stuff.
But when they know you have it, like it's a big difference.
I don't think I like alcohol because I was exposed to it at such an early age
at such a high fucking volume that I was like,
I don't ever want to end like that.
Right.
When I was 14, I would see my...
my mother yell up for me at 8.
And she would be making me breakfast or whatever.
And at the same time,
she'd be pouring a fucking Heineken in tomato juice.
If she ate, she would do tomato juice.
If she didn't eat, she'd do V8.
You're a fucking alcoholic.
I don't ever want to wake up at 8 in the morning
and have to pour a fucking Heineken in tomato juice.
And fine, she was a functioning addict.
She was out of the house 35 minutes later.
in the city fucking buying records for the album for the bar
ordering meat, whatever the fuck.
But that's not the point.
I grew up with that.
Not that she was sloppy either.
There was no slop.
But I grew up with that.
I don't want that in my house.
There's no parties in my house.
You come over to eat if you want.
You come over to eat.
I'm never going to say to you, let's got a keg of beer.
I got a kid in the fucking house.
Right.
I got a kid in the house.
I don't want my kid to wake up and see three people on the couch,
cigarettes, fucking beer bottles.
First of all, I don't like fucking beer bottles in my living room
because somebody's going to spill it,
and that shit smells like dick for two months.
You ever going to a bar, and you're like,
this bar smells like alcohol and mildew?
Yeah.
I don't ever want that smell.
I can't live with that.
I'll burn that fucking out of that.
So I don't want it.
Exposed to that party life where people, you know,
she's going to eventually do it,
but she knows it's there.
We have neighbors who drink and they act fucking responsibly.
So these are the things like.
Well, it's interesting because like I, and it's nothing against my parents.
I'm probably, if I'm ever, a parent will be stricter.
But I've seen, like when I went to Israel for the first time,
drinking was 18, not 21.
And having a beer was not as big of a deal.
And yeah, there were drunk kids, but it wasn't as,
I don't know, it felt like scary.
and, like, more intense here.
Because you have to lie, you have to somehow get it.
I think if I was going to do it, I would lean somewhere in the middle of, like,
exposing them to it, maybe not being as okay with it as like, I don't think I'd ever be
the parent who'd be like, oh, yeah, you can come here and drink here.
We got YouTube, Lee.
You're going to have a fucking kid.
And when they're seven, they're going to go on YouTube.
Oh, I know.
And they're going to accidentally find you.
So here's the deal.
You got everybody has to.
to react differently to the times, Lee.
We're not living in the 70s no more, where we were blind.
I wasn't because I had crazy fucking parents,
but everybody was blind.
We didn't have the internet, Lee.
Okay?
There's a song by the guy who beat up to fuck another guy
who was married to Carmen Elektra.
That idiot was married to Carmen Lecture.
He was in a band, Jane's Addiction.
James Addiction has an album.
Whatever. The second album is great.
But the first album, it says it before the song,
caught stealing. In Spanish, we have more influence with your children than you do.
Okay? We have more influence with your children than you do.
The musicians?
Yeah. We have more access to your kids than you do.
When I went to school, you went from nine to three.
And you probably got home at like four. You went to practice.
your parents saw you from five to ten.
That's five hours a day.
You were at school six, seven hours a day.
And now the internet, you're within 24 hours.
Now you got the internet.
So even if I turn the internet off in my house,
she's got a classmate that's going to tell her what was on that internet.
Look at my fucking Instagram.
So they're exposed to everything right now.
Oh,000%.
It's a different fucking world.
So every day when she gets up,
she's going to stroll and see it up.
Fucko, smoking,
A snoop dog.
Right.
Because he's allowed to smoke bottle on Instagram.
She's not going to have those questions like other kids.
I've, you know, when I take it to the dojo
and she sees you guys drinking and sees people drinking,
she's watching.
Right.
She's watching because on the way home, she'll tell me.
I introduced her to somebody five years ago when she was seven.
We were talking about him one night.
And she looked at him and she goes,
I know what you're talking about.
He's the brother who smoked.
and I almost lost my mind.
She likes that brother out of all of them.
She likes Joe Florentine the best because he's a dad.
He's got girls, so he knows how to speak to mercy.
They talk about the Rolling Stones and McJagga,
but she said it to me.
She goes, and you should ask him to stop smoking, dad.
Like, how am I going to tell a grown man to stop smoking?
And it's amazing what sticks with kids.
So she's watching, she's listening.
Because of her mother and me, she can't drink.
I'm allergic and the mother's Indian.
She goes off to fucking rails.
You know, when my wife has three drinks in her,
that's not good.
The eye starts lurking.
Fucking feathers start coming out of the head.
She gets argumentative with you.
That's why I don't drink with my wife.
Because it's only three drinks?
I don't drink with my wife.
Never will.
No way.
That's why I'll tell him.
When I take my wife on a date, I go,
I'm the designated driver, go.
and I'll fucking order her drinks until she gets lit
and she has to catch herself and shit
when she catches herself and she remembers she's a mom
then she'll stop
but I could still tell the rest of the night
that she's up to something
I could tell no no I could tell that she drank her eyes
she's Indian so her eyes get
they're up to something her eyes are blue
and they get dilated so fucking much
that it's like that's how I could tell she's drinking.
She don't have a drink.
But she can't because she's fucking Indian.
She gets sick.
She started boo-boing, rain dancing, the whole fucking deal.
Let's take an interruption here for five minutes.
Uncle Joey got a party.
And we got to talk to you about some special things.
All right.
We'll be back, Jack.
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We're back, beautiful people.
What's up, dog?
It was a great week, dude.
It was a...
Oh, that's right.
You headline last week?
It was your first headline night?
At the dojo, yeah.
And it was crazy.
Like, I was thinking about the first time I did it.
I featured for another comic named Andre Kim.
And it was like a couple years ago.
It was before you did any shows there.
And it was just cool to, like, be on the other side.
because, like, at certain points, like we talked about, I think last week, you know, I wish I was further along than I was.
But, you know, to do that and we had a great turnout, like, it was, honestly, it was, it was for me pretty full.
So I was very happy about that.
Everyone who did spots did great.
Like, the whole, it was a long show.
They were a great audience.
The club was happy.
So it was, you know, a very, like, just.
It's an amazing night.
I don't know.
I know.
I've been there, Doug.
Yeah.
I know those nights are special
and you go home all tangling and shit,
and then the next day you're at an open mic
following a guy with a tuba.
Oh, yeah.
It's fucking great.
Your life is fucking great, you know.
But I saw the pictures and I was very happy for you.
Like I said, I didn't want to go because it was your night.
And that's what a lot of people don't understand.
Like, people go, oh, you're going to come to my show?
Not really.
Because as soon as you, I walk into your show,
somebody's only come up to me and ask me for a fucking picture.
Whether you're on stage or not.
People have no coup.
That takes the attention.
People are sitting there on the heart.
Is he going to go up stage?
Is this guy going to go on stage?
You know, I learned something this weekend about comedy.
Well, I learned something all the time.
And it's funny, whenever I have a big gig now on the drive home,
whether it's a big gig or a small gig, I should say it.
I always think about what made me get on that stage the first fucking time.
Like what fucking possessed me to get the balls and the audacity to think that I was funny enough to get on a stage?
Like that's been the question in my head for the last seven or eight months.
Like at 62 years old, what the fuck did I do that I got to find?
Like I never did anything right.
Never did anything right, guys.
Never.
All my decisions were shit because they were drug.
drug-induced. This was from somewhere completely different. And I really practiced it when I was
in prison of all fucking places. Like, that's when I said, I wasn't even practicing guys. I was just
going up there and goofing. They call it goofing, whatever, when you just go up there. They would
just go go up there, go up there and talk to them. I would get on top of the table. There was no stage,
you know? And then in there, people are like, this is what you should be doing. I'm like, these guys
we're all losers. They're in a fucking federal penitentiary telling me my next career option.
And they fuck, you know, it's like, and I always think of that. And that's what you should
think about. What really possess me? And you're going to hit me. Everybody's like, well,
I saw Richard prior to him. No, no, no, no, no. What made you get in that fucking car
that night? Go in there against, because it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. The first time,
it's the hardest thing you'll ever do.
You know, it's, it's, what I was trying to say in the beginning of the podcast is that you have so many critics right now, but nobody really knows the journey.
You know, everybody's criticizing this person, this person, this comedy scene, this guy's anti-woke, this guy's art rated, this guy's plunging down, this guy's punching up.
But nobody really knows the journey, and that's what pisses me all.
I didn't want to talk about this, but I do have to add leverage to this
because he's getting beat up right now in the press, and I thought about it.
And that's my friend Theo Vaughn.
I was there Saturday Nightly, and I told him I was going to call you for the second show.
And he goes, yeah, yeah, I want to see Lee.
I already got gay.
So, you know, I spoke to him Thursday, and he said that if I wanted to come to the show on Saturday,
you know, my weekends are fucking tough guys.
I got no time for fucking comedy.
I don't have time for myself to do comedy a Friday.
So I have a family, and whatever their decision is first is what I have to do.
Because for seven years, my decisions were first.
I'm going here.
I'm going there.
And here's my wife and my daughter is stuck.
At least now I give everybody the opportunity.
If they want to hang, they can hang.
When my daughter said she was going a great adventure on Saturday, I go, that's one down.
What does my wife want to do this?
She want to go out to dinner, she's like, no, I'm not going to be able to eat.
I got no teeth and I can't drink because of the pain pills.
I'm going around the corner of my girlfriend's house, you know, one of the neighbors, and I'll come back later.
That's what made me go over there.
Now, I don't know if people understand the process of stand-up comedy.
Again, number one, you don't pull up through an open mic in the Maserati.
That's number one.
And number two, it's not the world of glamour.
And then for six or seven years, we bang it out in places that you wouldn't take your fucking mother to.
I mean, granted, the dojo is nice, but you've been in some holes late night to the fucking shitholes.
I saw one the other night when I was in the city.
I was just walking up the corner to meet the car.
And I'm like, this is a comedy club I hear about this is a fucking dump.
I wouldn't come here.
But that's where you perform at first.
And all of a sudden, somebody takes you on the road.
You end up somewhere and you're in front of 3,500 people in the theater.
You're like, what the fuck is this?
And then you get into a bigger theater.
and now you're back on your own doing comedy.
What I'm trying to say is there's no cameras around.
There's no cameras around.
When you add camera to stand up, it's a different animal.
And some people could rise to the occasion, and some people can't, like myself.
But I'm honest enough to say that.
I don't like a camera.
Because to me, I still see a brick wall, a microphone, and 200 people.
And smoke.
I don't see what everybody else sees.
Everybody, oh, my God.
this feeder.
I don't give a fuck.
It's four fucking walls
and a fucking exit
and you can get shot in here
like the people at Batman.
Okay?
So you know what I'm saying?
I'm not impressed.
You want to impress me, motherfucker?
Take the wheel, okay?
So that's where I'm coming from.
But people don't know the journey.
And now we have a different thing in comedy.
And that's called corporate world.
So before you read the stuff about Theo Vaughn
and what happened and he bombed,
I want you to think of corporate world
when you're an edgy comic
and how they'll tell you along the way
yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
until you get closer to the date
and then they change the game plan on you.
And now you feel a little weird
and I'm not saying this happened to feel.
Listen, people have bad nights and comedy.
All the fucking time.
I'm the king of them.
I'm not ashamed to say it,
but at least I'll tell you.
Don't blow smoke up my own.
That's the greatest sense.
Don't make me fucking poke you in the eye.
Because you need glasses.
I was on that stage.
I think the corporate
I know I couldn't handle it
I mean you were there with me for the degenerates
Was that normal to you
Was that fucking normal to you
Hold on
I've been waiting for I've been writing for eight months
Right for eight months
To get this material out of my head
And you're telling me that
Camera 1 isn't working
The fuck
Stand over here
So this camera could get you as you're going
Bitch
Bitch! Bitch!
I just want to get on stage and say, hold on one second.
Microphone three went down.
I want you to polish those emotions for a second.
What's something that you love to do?
Maybe have sex.
And all of a sudden somebody stops and says,
did I ever tell you the story about my brother got hit with a car?
Well, you know, you might as well,
I might as well put my dick away because this ain't going to even work
after this fucking story.
That's what that is.
You know, we're living in a world now.
You think these podcasts, I can come on here and say what I want to say anymore?
You guys ever wake up in the morning, and this podcast is 28 or over?
Oh, yeah.
We're living in a corporate world, and some people could work well in it,
and some people can't, and most people can't, especially comics.
They don't know what they're going to say.
They don't know what comes out of their mouths.
When we're up there and we're dying, and you got a gun to my head,
I can either do good or fucking do bad.
You know, when we went to Florida, that was a tough night.
for you. That's 8,000 eyes. And you fucking came through. But I want you to think about that.
You went up on stage in front of 8,000 eyes. If I would have told you that before you went
on stage, that's like calling your Lee Swat. You know what I'm saying? Like, some people do do that.
People go come up to you right before. You're like a lot of people, huh? People do that.
They want to shit in your leg. I don't want to have wrong with people who shit on your,
piss on your leg. There's a time to piss on people's legs. There's a time not to piss
on people's life.
Yeah.
First of all, I don't want to know what's out there either.
No.
I don't need to know.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't give a fuck if I sell out or not.
I'm there to do comedy.
That's what we all get it wrong.
You're there to fucking be funny for an hour.
So the more shit you eliminate,
you said something before that you eliminate stuff.
I said, we were talking about a subject.
You said, that was smart of you.
That you've eliminated that.
It's like when I got to comedy,
I knew I wasn't going to be on a letter.
them another tonight show. Out!
Out! I'm not going to work that clean. But show we!
Listen, by the time I get to go where I'm going, there'll be a different platform.
That's exactly what happened.
Right. Some people do good. I can't fucking do something. I know for the React Comedy Festival.
Bro, it's a country that fucking, if you don't wear a barker, they throw you in jail for 15
fucking years. Right? If you don't put that thing around your face, right? If they catch you
doing something. It's a fucking nightmare.
So you're going to let me go over there and talk about,
oh, we'll probably be happy if I do my gay
bits because they hate gapy.
Right. If you're gay, they kill you over there.
I mean, they don't even play.
Right. You can't show up with a pelican on your shirt.
They don't just stab you.
That shit is done.
They don't even tolerate. Oh, it's amazing.
Boom. Bam, they'll stab you.
You got to keep your language certain.
That was very beautiful.
Thank you. I enjoyed your meal dealy.
It's amazing.
Boom, they'll stab you right on site.
They don't even want that starting, that's spreading.
So what do you think they're going to say to me on stage?
What can I really talk about?
You can't talk about religion.
Can't talk about a lot of things.
You know what?
If I take the money, I'm going to do bad.
If I take that money, Lee might do a lot better.
But for me, I'm going to take that money and just go there knowing I'm going to bomb.
I'm marching county.
I didn't show up anywhere to lose.
even if I lost.
I didn't show up to lose.
You got to, when you get into situations,
you have to make your life easier.
Right now, I wouldn't have known what to do
if I was Theo on Saturday night.
There was four people talking to him at one time.
Tell them what, and with shit,
when you're shooting something,
you want to give somebody as much content as you want as I can
because you could always cut it out.
I can't add it.
I can't be in the green room going,
I wish I would have had a cut from the side.
Look how beautiful that stage is.
Look how lighting.
I should have fucking tape myself in the back
smoking a joint with Lee before I go up there.
Lee kicks me in the ass and going up.
But you learn.
I'd rather do it because I can always take it out.
Right.
Absolutely.
But I can't hunt it down.
What am I going to rent the theater?
Put extras and kick you on the...
No.
So let's shoot it.
So I understand that.
But we do that maybe later.
We do that in between shows.
Don't go early for...
Let's get that.
one in the tank.
Yeah.
When I'm shooting a special, the first one
is the one you're going for.
And if you bomb, fuck it.
I got Lay Show.
And you saw it, I bombed.
I bond them, both of them.
But the first show when I taped the special,
are you talking with Netflix?
No, the one I did in Chicago with you.
Oh, in Chicago.
First one I did bombed.
The first little thing I laid down,
there was a guy.
It was just, I was agitated.
Then they told me how to darken my hair.
That the camera, they put their spray painted, my fucking ball spot.
I need this shit.
I just want to crack a few fucking jokes.
Would you, I think you've talked about it.
Like, would you just like to just be filmed without, like, your knowledge?
And, like, and that'd be put up?
I'd rather that happen if I did stand up.
But again, if you're going to show up on an iPhone 14,
and the only reason I know it's 17,
because my phone fell out the other day and some guys like,
look, that's an old iPhone.
I go, I buy a new one when they fucking break.
But I'm going to go down there like the rest of the masses.
But I heard the camera's badass.
Yeah.
It jumps up and down.
Yeah.
So, you know, when I'm ready to drop 1,800 now.
Is it really?
Holy shit.
And they don't even let you pay it.
They make you finance it, right?
No, you can pay it.
Yeah, they want the monthly.
That's a lot of dough for, I don't even give a fuck anymore.
I don't have Facebook on there.
I'm on Twitter either.
I got Instagram.
That's it.
Text messages and people call.
There's nothing else I use on here.
Nothing.
Nothing.
All these apps.
I don't know nothing.
I got Uber once in a while.
I got Lexus.
I got fucking whoop.
They have old.
They have flip phones.
They have what?
They have flip phones with apps now.
You know, this is the shit.
You got to eliminate all this shit.
This is garbage.
But you do need it.
You know what are you going to do?
You do need it.
$1,800.
$18,000 to talk to people
before you even get the party started.
Dude, fuck that.
That's too much.
Talk, that's the world we live in.
And everybody goes down there and pays them.
It's like a superhero movie.
The more you go, the more these phones are going to keep making.
I paid $1,200 a year ago, and I thought that...
Bro, when they told me when I got this one and T-Mobile, because there's no Sprint mobile.
Right.
Because, you know, I show up to Sprint.
We don't even know what you're talking about.
We handle fucking...
bicycles now, you know.
You know.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
No, you have the T-Mobile.
I went to T-Mobile.
Very nice, but again, yeah, do this.
And this one's already starting to fuck up.
Like, the, it charges really fast.
Like, the other night, my phone died.
And I didn't give a fuck about nobody calling me.
It was in the city.
All I wanted was to find out what was going on.
My daughter, Great Adventure.
I had a bad feeling that night.
One of those horror buildings would fall down or something like that.
And I got to go down there and search through the rubble.
you know what I'm saying
I can't imagine
you searching through the rubles
my fucking and I got in the car
it was just me and this guy
one of the best limo drivers ever bad
in my fucking life
he was great because I kept
back he told me first he
he was from South
Brulefield
no the town I live close to
not Bloomfield
fucking uh...
Brunswick
I just kept calling
South Brunswick
On the way
I'm like listen
On the way back
We're gonna go to fucking
The strip club right there
Just me and you
He's like that's okay
He goes I'm 20 minutes from me
I'm like alright
He was cool as shit
He stopped at Starbucks for me
He stopped at the ATM
He goes let's stop at the ATM
You need cashed
No let's do it boom
Got cash
We shot into the fucking city
He was right there
And then my phone died
He's like I'll go get you a court
I'm like you're a bad motherfucker
If I didn't have teeth missing, I'd suck your dick.
You know what I'm saying?
How do you know, cocksucker?
You got some old hag one night, you're a little dirty bastard.
Two-third in the morning, you're looking around the bar.
There's a lady winking at you with a missing tooth.
You got to do what you got to do, you know what I'm saying?
You go over there, put a piece of cotton in it.
But it's just, I saw that special taping of, uh,
Yeah, this started as a message to Theo.
So what?
I said this started about a message about three, you.
About Theo.
Yeah, and it was sucking someone's dick.
You know, it was just, I was there, and it wasn't what you people are reading at all.
I mean, you know, I'm worried about them like everybody else is, but at the same time I know this motherfucker.
He's from the Bayo, Louisiana.
He ain't going nowhere.
It's just, uh, stand-up is tough, guys.
I've been telling you this shit for years.
People gave me shit for three years, and I told people,
the commitment level for stand-up is something like,
I've never seen anything like this.
I'm on my 34th year, and if I could go out three or four nights a week, I would.
It's just a driving that kills me.
My back wouldn't die.
It's not just going to the comedy store anymore, downhill.
You know what I'm saying?
There was 13 minutes for me to get to the comedy store.
Right.
It's an hour before I get the party started.
But it's calling me back now a little by little,
and I feel better about it.
Because I got all that corporate shit out of my world.
Not LA no more.
I don't have to appease anybody.
I do what the fuck I want to do.
Even the sponsors on here, YouTube, whatever,
I'm in an age where I already went to prison.
My family left the country that was fucking communist.
So you want me to obey your fucking stupid rules of no cursing or whatever?
Write me on.
I'll find the channel that lets us do whatever the fuck we want to.
But this new world order, you take a bigger paycheck
so people could tell me what to do.
The reason why we got into comedy is not to have a job.
Did you ever think about that?
Did you ever think about that?
We got into comedy so we didn't have to get up
like 15 billion other people in the world,
eight in the morning and go to a job
because somewhere in our demented fucking minds.
We thought we could do better.
So think about that shit.
This is rough, but it's rougher
when somebody's watching.
There's some comics that are born to work clean,
and I respect that.
Napar Gatsi is fucking great.
He's great at what he does.
Jerry Seinfeld was great at what he does.
But there's other guys, like myself and other comedians,
they go off the fucking rails.
And you know what?
That's fine, fucking too.
Because at the end of the day,
every single comedian you watch is a little fucking crazy.
You just don't see it because you're so,
oh my God, they're so great.
No, we're not great.
We're crazy, demented fucking people.
So, and that's me included.
I don't want you to think like, that's me included.
Somewhere along the line, we said, you know what?
I'm going to go to college for four years.
I come from a nice family.
Nobody ran away in my family.
I'm Jewish.
I went, now I'm an editor.
And now I'm a podcast.
But you know what?
I'm taking my college degree.
And I'm not picking on you.
I'm just telling you what I know.
I'm taking my college degree and wiping my balls with it.
I'm going to go right back in the college degree.
into the pit with a bunch of animals every night and people with mental illness and try to
get a fucking career.
So what does that tell you about the stand-up comics?
So before you start pointing at stand-up comics and saying that they give out misinformation,
you guys took the stand-up comic too seriously.
Everybody has taken everything too seriously.
And I will say, like, Theo was one of the, like, the few, like, of, like, your friends.
he called me like when I was like right after we left L.A.
He called me one day.
We just chat.
It was always super sweet to me.
Oh.
And like I haven't on everything, I have no idea how he did that night.
I've never asked you.
It doesn't matter.
If you have a bad night,
why,
why is that national news?
And like for anything.
Like imagine, like imagine.
You believe that it was on the,
front cover of Yahoo.
It's, it's,
that's, we need to know everything.
This is why again, today, you know,
again, I'm not putting anybody down.
I go on these sites some days,
and I read one thing and I close it.
People always give me shit.
You don't post anymore because there's some days.
I do go on there,
and I got something great to say that I was laughing in the shower.
Like, I have something, like I'm coming in there with balls on fire,
I'm in the shower, hold on to my stomach.
But I will go downstairs, open up a page, and see something that is so far out there.
I go, not today.
Because I can't solve this.
I can't save this.
This is what I can't save.
All I can say is something funny.
And hopefully you react to it.
It makes your day.
You wake up.
You're like, fucking that motherfucker is dirty, man.
You know, something to get a reaction of you instead of, I want the fucking Epstein list.
Anything but that.
This is what's going on.
We've become so uptight
that bombing at your Netflix special
in front of 3,000 people,
not even an arena,
not even matters the Square Garden,
in front of 3,000 people really matters.
And when I say shit,
you people think like I'm fucking crazy.
I'm not.
This is a rough world we live in today.
So I get it, motherfuckers.
We got to laugh more.
We got to fuck more.
We got to start drinking again
because this motherfucker could end
any goddamn day. Hug your loved ones every day. Look at it. Every day you hear something stupid.
Kim Jong-Hu, fire the missile into the ocean, the Russian dude, you know. They bombed.
What do you think? What do you think about when Israel bombed that country with the bunkers and all
that shit? You think they're sitting there rebuilding right now? They got pictures of Americans all over
those walls and Jews and Puerto Ricans and Arabs with beards. They got revenge. And you're walking around
I'm thinking it's fun.
That's why I was nervous about great adventure.
Because, dog, they're coming.
This is not ending good.
I don't mean to scare you,
motherfuckers, but it's a reality.
It's a fucking reality.
So next time you go to your Jason Aldeen,
country music concert,
and you're jumping up and down
thinking we're in good hands, uh-uh, uh-uh.
Remember what happened in Vegas?
They were jumping up and down, too.
And they got shot from the fucking window.
It's a weird fucking world out there.
I love you, motherfuckers.
have a great, I don't even know if the guy's Jason Aldeen.
I don't even know what that is.
I'm just, I thought he was a country singer.
I'm just saying, it's the truth.
It's the fucking truth.
This is why I hug everybody, every goddamn day.
Any day now we're getting hit with a missile.
Especially you motherfuckers that live in New York City walking around,
jumping up and down, Lee with the, with the Jew hat.
Lee's going to have to get the disguise after November.
If that Mundami wins, he's darnly.
Him and his girlfriend will be wailing on him.
New York City.
Because they're going to come to your apartment and beaches up.
And then kick you're going to be socialist.
Mondami.
It's going to be a little Cuba and shit.
And right now, even Eric, even Black Lives Matter, Eric Griffin, whatever's fucking
name.
Eric Adams dropped out.
Those are two very different people.
Who?
Eric Griffin.
Well, it's a mistake.
You know Eric Adams is?
He's your fucking mayor in New York City.
Yeah, but my life isn't in the fact.
Why do you think the mayor is going to make that much of a difference?
Well, somebody please tell this idiot.
what's going on in New York because this other guys are socialist.
I know that...
He wants to start bodegas.
He hates Jews, okay?
That's number one.
He hates Jews?
Well, you have to assume...
I mean, right now at this point, everybody hates the Jews, Lee.
If the mess...
Right now, everybody...
They blame everything on the fucking Jews.
Everything.
Somebody lit a little firecracker in New Jersey or that's a Jew.
You know, it's been bad for the Jews.
It's a bad couple years.
We get it, but...
Yeah, it's been a bad couple of years.
He's getting bad PR.
It really has.
Thank you for noticing.
What?
Thank you for noticing.
You know, I love you.
I got nothing against you.
No love against you.
But, I mean, you know, it's true.
So I don't know what's going to happen in the world.
But the most important thing is to crack a joke.
Who gives a fuck of the comedian bombs?
With what's really going on in the world,
you give a fuck about a comedian bombing on his Netflix special?
Like, it's going to change your goddamn life?
Not at all.
So.
where you're going to be this week, Tarzan.
I'm going to be at the Dojo on Wednesday night,
and I'm going to be at Sheepa's on Thursday night this week.
I'm not going to be nowhere until next, until I come back.
I'm October 8th, but that's already sold out.
That's chicken stuff.
We've got to give them the truth.
15th at the Dojo Comedy.
The 23rd is the Bucket of Love at the Dojo Comedy.
And then November 8th is a biggie.
DC, what's the name of it?
MGM Grand.
What is it?
MGM Grand and Oxen Hill.
20 minutes from the fucking White House.
I'll have my fucking bulletproof
John Wick outfit on down there
because a missile might come fucking flying through.
So 20 minutes we're going to be performing.
That also pisses me off.
Why?
When they told me, I thought I was doing comedy like,
you know, an hour from the nation's capital.
We need that much money
that we need to gamble in Washington, D.C.
And here, I'm not political, but I'm just asking you a question.
20 minutes from the White House, Washington needs, Maryland needs that much money,
that they got gambling?
20 minutes is nothing sacred?
And that means I get a hookah 20 minutes from the White House.
When does it fucking end?
No, forget about that.
November 8, that's all they need to know.
Focus one of the time, Cucksuckers.
We love you.
Have a great week.
Lee, send them some love.
Love you guys.
You stay black.
All right.
Have a great week.
And we'll be back next Tuesday, the eighth.
What's happened, beautiful people?
Uncle Joey here.
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