The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Give Me Everything with Pedro Garcia

Episode Date: July 21, 2026

Pedro Garcia, comedian and Twitch streamer joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt on The Church of What's Happening Now. They talk Joey's new understanding and love of video games, what he used to do at arcades as a kid (hint, not play video games), robbing gas stations, dining and dashing and much more.  SHOW NOTES DraftKings Casino is changing the game with FLEX SPINS! Download the app & sign up with code JOEYSLOTS to claim 1000 Flex Spins on your choice of slots at https://www.draftkings.com/mobileapps Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code JOEY at http://BlueChew.com/

Kick this motherfucker, Meal Lee. What's up, beautiful people? It's Tuesday, July to 21st. Welcome to another fun-filled edition of the Church of Wood Snapping and Now, New Testament. How you like me now? You know what I'm saying? That vitamin stuff is working.

Anyway, we got a great show for you tonight. We got my main man, Pedro Garcia. Hello. Hitler on his fucking birthday. Wish fucking that. Oh yeah. Happy birthday, we're. We got a card up cake.

We're doing dabs. We're doing everything tonight. Holy shit. Yeah. What's going on, gentlemen? Chillin, man. Everybody had a good weekend. Everybody got rained down on this motherfucker.

Oh, yeah. Though with the rain got in this. That was real. That was good, man. Oh, I saw the flooding in Queens. I forgot about that. Bro, it came down by me four times. Like, it came down for like 30 minutes, but it was pure destruction.

not a lot of wind, nobody's power went out. Then the fucking sun come out. Yeah. And you're like, oh, shit, okay. And you go do a couple things. You go out to the car to get your wallet. And you're like, what the fuck just happened? Darkness.

It's two in the afternoon. There's a black cloud right over my fucking head. And then it rained. But I mean, Lee, coming down. Did it flood? Because remember in L.A., the streets would flood. L.A. L.A. flooded maybe eight days ago.

Did it really? Yeah. No, no, no. Maybe like last Tuesday night. But then I didn't know that. But then I, like, at least in LA, I expected it. I saw some videos of Queens of it. Like the firefighters had to save people.

No, there's people swimming in the street. They're swimming, canoes. Oh, yeah, no. I saw some Argentineas. Those people across the highway. Those soccer people, they got canoes. They ain't playing soccer. They're canoeing somewhere.

Oh, I forget about it. Yeah, yeah. What would you do if you saw those like the Vikings on the other on the train doing the, they were pretending like they were rowing a boat? Imagine if you were on that train. What Vikings? The soccer fans. Yeah,

but the white people. That's what you were talking about. What are you talking about? They're a nice way, guys. Talking about fucking people from South America. Oh. Or whatever the fuck they're from. If they don't play soccer, they got a canoe.

Yeah, exactly. I didn't know anyone from South America had a canoe. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Late. You had a fun-filled weekend in Texas? I had a great week in Texas. You took the state by storm and shit.

Tuesday to Sunday. I was thinking about, because you used to do those length of weeks, do, especially two shows Friday, too, and did you, I had the craziest late shows I've ever had.

You're in Texas, I took, I took two shots of tequila on stage, six and all, and thank you to everyone who came out. Like the Friday and say, Saturday shows were pretty busy. The late show Friday was like 20 people. Six out of 20 got

permanently banned from the club because they were so fucked up. It was, I felt like I got beat up on stage. Like, because it wasn't like they didn't, they were having a great time. But like I didn't get to do material. They were just asking questions. One one one one woman got really mad because her fiance did too much coke and his dick didn't work. And I didn't ask any of these things. Like it was just stuff. Oh yeah. I just blew it up. That means she tried to make it work right there. It's a suburb room, correct? Kind of, no, right in the middle of Fort Worth. Really?

Right in downtown Fort Worth, it was great. That was a lot of fun. I did Waco, and that was a lot of fun. You smell like gunpowder stuff? There's nothing in Waco. Waco and Dallas just smell like gunpowder. In Dallas, yeah, but wait. Did you go to the grave or anything?

The grave? Yeah. Of who? Of who? Of who. Oh, the, the cult thing? Yeah. No.

You didn't go over and put a flower on the grave. No. You said, you know, I went to buy. Buckees and I left. That was all I did. I saw that. You love Buckees. Oh, I didn't, I can imagine they had the guy in the costume.

But, uh, no, it was just, it was, I haven't had a week. That's like the most headlining I've ever done the week. You know, we've been together for 15 years. Right. And I told you one of the craziest late night stories when I got up there for the second show. And the show was light. So the guy goes, anybody from the first one that wants to stay, it's for free. I get into another 16 people on that line.

I got out of state and this chick is all fucked up and she gave me the evil eye and I don't know where she just gets up and says I suck this dick and the guy's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, what are you talking about?

I kept doing jokes but I can hear her. I suck this dick and all this. The late shows on the road they're not controlled. No. Listen, when people tell you to go on the road it's not to do shows

because you can do shows anywhere. You can pull up at Sears and do a fucking show. What they tell you is to experience. You just said it. I didn't do a minute of material. I just stood up there and got beat up. Welcome to the road.

Yeah. If it's not an improv or like a civilized club, you're on your own. It's hand-to-hand combat. Talk, I remember all those clubs. Some of them you leave there and you know, like, some of the shows people pay attention. Right.

The first early shows were great. The early shows were like special tapings. It was the best shows I've ever had. And then it was so bad that Friday night that the manager took me out of the back because like they said people were just outside. Listen, Lee, I was wearing a cowgirl hat on stage. They take you out of the back of a different club

a couple weeks ago, too? Maybe. Not that I can remember that one. They don't like Jews in a lot of these places. Oh, I mean a bunch of Jewish jokes. They're never around Jews. So all they watch is TV about how bad Jews are. missiles and fucking kids with their arms blowed off

they don't know the real fucking dude when it's people who know the podcast I do I'd say what you told me that they're just going to ask me to can I touch you like it's the first you I've ever seen can I touch you and it's dude it was wake oh they got to do it a sign on the cross

before they touch you oh my god yeah I would just I would just say I made jokes about Israel which I've never done but it was uh my favorite and like I had a great time in Austin and Fort Worth but Waco like it was a Thursday night

in like a weird ballroom of a hotel it was a great show but there were 150 people like the middle of nowhere towns where they just come out because it's something to do it was so much fun and then there's no pressure to sell tickets it's just you're doing it because they would be there either though

you can let your ass hole on fire they don't care and then they'll come up to you the phone And we go, do you know Tommy Lee? And you're like, who's Tommy? He did the accordion. Well, I don't hang out with those types of dudes. You know what I'm saying? He had an accordion with an American flag.

He was so, and you know, like, come on, lady. You had me a fucking break. They put zombo in front of them and they clap. You know, zonbo with a harmonica. They go nuts. But that's, it's an education. Right there, you just learn something. You're like, wow.

Population is 700 and 300 of them. my show. Yeah. You know, when I was an open mic or Pedro, there was a guy, Bauer, great guy,

bro. I even looked them up and thanked them. Paid my rent for like a year. But he would get rooms in Wyoming in a fucking barn. You went to the hotel.

There was like a chicken in the lobby. And then you get to this place and it was a barn that was redone up inside. Yeah, those are nice. I've done those shows.

With, about 400 people. You got like two years in there's a comic. And you hear about all these things. Oh, wait till you do this. Wait till you do that. You go every time you're there. You just missed it, man.

Last week, we were turning people away. No. And they started telling excuses why the fucking weekend ain't working. It's a football game tonight. Yeah, yeah. It's homecoming. Yeah. Yeah, those are all my shows.

Dude, I did a show in Cape May and they were very nice people. When I got there, like, we've never had this much interest. Because they only sold tickets at the door. They had like 11. I had to bark people in. Oh, shit. To get to have something. It's, uh, and I can't imagine in Wyoming, at least like.

Wyoming, like the middle. He had another place, too, above Colorado. He had a couple rooms. He had, uh, with a Broncos practice. And what they do there is kill cows. So as soon as you drive in, you just. smell cow shit. When you're on stage, you smell cow shit.

But, bro, I cut my teeth in that room was the number one room in the longest lasting one-nighter in the country for a while. They even had a write-up about it on Yahoo. Same guy ran it the whole time? The same. He passed it down. Right. Okay.

He was, he ran it for like three years before I started till 95 when I left. And then he owned like a motorcycle shop. This dude, he was a fan a comedy. He didn't want to travel, but he just wanted an MC in front of an audience. So he put his own shows together. That's great. That's awesome. Bill Bauer.

Bill Bauer. There's two of them. Not Wild Bill Bauer, just Bill Bauer. Are they related? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But Greenlee, Colorado. That's the second gig I did, August. I don't even know. Is that the one that disqualified you from the competition? That was the room.

I did. It was his room and he gave you five bucks for gas. And they said I was a pro because I took the five bucks. Give me a break. I. So enough with this shit. Pedro, tell me something, cocksucker. I don't know, man. First of all, congratulations on your way. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Uh, you're a good man, you know, and you're a good comic. You're getting to that point now

where you got to spread your fucking wings. Right. And you're having a good time, but you're also an excellent game. How did you come about this? Shit. Smoking dope and gaming, go ahead and the game. Since I was like six years old, dude. Oh, you've been gaming that long? Since I was a little kid, brother.

I was always, I'm 35. What was your first system? My first system was a Nintendo 64. That's the one. Yeah, so I didn't have no system, right? When I was growing up, the girl upstairs, I lived upstairs from me. I had a system. I saw it one day.

And she introduced me to it, bro. Forget it. I didn't even care about pussy. I was focused on Mario. I was like, yeah, all right, thank you. And I just did, do it. She let me borrow it one day, and I begged my parents. And then one day out of nowhere, surprise.

to do it from there never gave up college college bro you brought it with you to the dorm i've went to the baseball house yeah yeah that's a dumb fucking question oh dude even when i got when i got on little trouble i had to stay home bro i fucking i've drilled a fucking hole in the ceiling put up that that wire for the internet Xbox 360 halo freaking every night i freaking uh drink uh four locals you ever heard of this shit it's like a it's like an alcoholic drink I drink like three of those and just play HAL all night drunk and talk shit to fucking beef. Oh, you'd play online and like talk to it.

Before streaming, you were just talking to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before no cameras. Just by myself having a good time. I don't think, guys, like I'm going to admit it here at this age. I don't think. I never saw you do it either growing up.

We played game. Well, there weren't games for you to play. Pinball, yeah, yeah. You did pinball, and my thing is Miss Pac-Man. Yeah. When you go do laundry? There's always. You can get that at your house now.

Yeah, that's what I want in my living room. Those fucking noises. Put it in the garage when you're smoking bonghits. There's certain things leave that are left like that for that. What if I buy it? I go crazy on it for a month. Now it's just in my garage and people hanging jackets on top. Do you understand?

I haven't, you know, picking up a hobby, like going on a laundromat. If you go every fucking day and you wake up in the morning, you bang your wife and you go right for the laundry mat and you play, If you do it for like two or three years, now we have a problem. We might as well buy one. Okay. And bring it to the house. But, you know, I only do it when I wash, you know.

That little hour and a half you got, I dropped 30 bucks. Now, beep, bo, bo, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop. The whole fucking deal. That's what I love. But I wouldn't want to do it. There's some things you leave out. And there's some things you bring home. But you never did really any video games other than that?

Did they have arcades when you were growing up? Probably for pinball. That's where you went to buy drugs. Yeah. There was one of North Bergen, right next to Hachways, where we grew up that deli in the corner. It was at Wizards. It was called Wizards.

And I didn't even know it was fucking there. And I would go, how many times I go to Hudson County Park as a kid, but I also wasn't getting high. But I still remember them going, if you want to buy acid tonight, meet us at Wizards and some creepy guy in the back with glasses, right on County Boulevard, with Sellersaw.

No, I never was a big mouth guy. Because there was those guys on that. side, but I was always a, no, no, no, Kennedy Boulevard. That right, but my other buddy's house, it was right on, but that was, there was a liquor store there, and there was a fucking thousand things there. So, no, I just settled on that, but that was it, Lee. And I never knew people played video games and people paid to watch them. That was, when I heard that, my mind almost fucking blew up.

And it wasn't until we were all sitting at a table one of the, night in Austin talking shit and I don't know where I fuck oh started talking about it red man he goes you should play that I go red man I never played that shit before when I play it now about a week later I go to the bedroom to do whatever as I'm walking down the stairs terry mercy's there with earphones this shit she had a she's still good friends with the girl's name is like a meal something like from Egypt. I don't know where she's from. Nice girls. Comes over her once in a long.

The Mercy was shooting something. And I actually tapped her on the shoulder. She took the earphones. I go, what are you doing trying to do, shooting the meal's father? And she fucking lost it. And I go, let me see you do it. And I just sat there in a way. This is pretty fucking cool. And again, you have to fit that mode. Well, I think because, like, I don't know, like, you were playing online.

I didn't play online. but when I was growing up, I didn't have a system either, so I'd go to my friend's house. And, like, you know, you all take turns. So you end up watching people play a lot. Right. So that was fun. And then I don't know how old Twitch is,

but it makes sense. Like, we all got used to watching each other play and, like, having fun if they're doing good. And, you know, people are so entertaining on there. It's like, that guy, what was that guy who did, Fortnite for a while with the pair, Ninja? Yeah. Making millions of dollars and, like, all day, like, 12 hours a day.

like 12 hours a day. I mean, it helps like a lot of people. Like sometimes you don't even have to be good of the video game. People just like you because of your personality and how you react to things. Like that, that's a lot. But sometimes you get people that are freaking absolutely beast at games and people watch it for that.

But overall, man, people get entertained because that's like it's like they're playing the game without playing. You know what I mean? They're watching you. That's why Twitch is so popular. It's very intimate and stuff like that. But video games have been a part of my life forever, bro.

It's like, it's the coolest thing. Dude, I used to try to do good, at sports to get a fucking video game. Like my dad would be like, hey, listen, if you get three tackles today, you're going to grant the throttle three. And I'd be like, fuck, I'm getting a grand the throttle three. There's nothing else motivated me for video games. That's how

fucking crazy I was about it. Did they take it away if you got in trouble? Oh, yeah. Oh, nah. Not really. I just got my eyes beat. But what you would have preferred here. No, I'd rather get my ass beat. Keep me playing. I'll go right back to the system. I would love to see not how they make the games,

but just the inside. You know, like something is, like I said, listen, I had a guitar. I tried like eight things, eight things since I've moved here. You know, I thought I would love the guitar. You know, you got to tuck your thumb and do this. Give me a break. You know, I watch Jimmy Pace. You don't hide this thumb.

It just, it was too much from me. I tried a couple fucking things, you know. I tried going out and drinking. That didn't work on it for me. You know, I did it like twice, and I'm like that. I want this shit. This sucks. You get water.

I'm sitting at your bar drinking water with lemon. Make them believe I'm watching a hockey game. Yeah. I'm like, what am I doing with my fucking life? And then they suggested this video shit. You were telling me you played. And I kept saying to you, bring it up to the dojo so I go watch it. Yeah.

I just wanted to watch, man. But then I just, mercy told me she got me the game with Christmas. It took me like three months to set up. I'm like, I'm going to do this shit. I don't know about this stuff. I can see if I had like a brother who was really into it and lived next door. Because I'd be over that eight in the morning. Right, yeah.

Yeah, I'd be over there early, Lee. But that's my problem. That I know I'm having an addictive personality. First time I played that shit with you guys, I went upstairs and I summed it up. This is going to be fun. I kind of like what I'm doing. Yeah, I can't drive.

I'm horrible at this. But like anything else, just get on it a couple times and you'll get better on it. And you'll understand more of the game. Yeah. And I said, let me give it a fucking shot. But, dog, I could see myself like ordering Chinese food delivered because I'm so into this game. And I can't imagine having like six or seven to use that play this shit. And we all get high and set up like a central nervous system.

with one camera on everybody. We go all the extra hundred bucks. And dog, I could see you doing this three hours a day. But after three hours, that's just the appetizer. I got to go. Do people are already taking the day off when the next Grand Theft Auto comes out? Yeah. They're already requesting that for when the next Grand Thefts are coming.

Oh, yeah, I believe it. We're going to be on that same fucking day. Yeah, exactly. On that same Bat Channel. That's right. That same Baton. When does it come on November? November.

17th? I don't know. November 17th, I think. The day before my anniversary, for arresting for kidnapping Vela. I always have something to motivate me, you know what I'm saying? Sometimes they have it in prison. Like, if you were in prison, could you see yourself doing this all day? No. No?

I would get, first one, I'm lying to you guys. I would get up and at least try to do something. Maybe go to a gym, ride a bike, go outside and get some sunlight. You know, it's like anything else. It's like anything fucking else. I love smoking cigarettes. Okay. I go out with you guys one night.

I'll just go to a guy who's smoking Marlboro lights. Let me bum a cigarette. You guys will look at me. I'll smoke one and that's it. I enjoy smoking them. But you know what I really like? Smoking a cigarette after my coffee bright and early in the morning. That may be a ball lick.

Yeah, I was going to say. Yeah. sticking a fucking cucumber my, I don't know. What I'm trying to say to you is, I'm fucking love getting a coffee, taking a couple hits off the coffee, smoking a cigarette, and then hitting a real fucking joint,

and then coming back with a fresh cup of coffee and another cigarette. That's my, that would be the breakfast of champions for pop. And what happens when you do that? Like, what do you feel like? You'll die. You'll die.

You'll die. except for George. You know what I'm saying? Like George, except for George. He ain't going to die. He's been doing this all his life. He'll smoke a cigarette

without even getting out of bed. He'll just take a... And he'll just sit there and think about what happened the night before. But he'll do like three of them, Acapello, laying on his back. I have a hard time breathing on my back.

You know what I'm saying? I got to put a sleep apnea machine to fucking breathe. Meanwhile, he's smoking a morning. Barrow fucking Reds. It's amazing. I just, I don't know what my point was. I'm asking me how you feel because you had that whole system.

I'm just saying that. I'll tell you what. I stopped smoking for years and maybe when I first moved to North Hollywood, one morning I got carried away with the reefer. And I don't know whose cigarette it was. I just picked it up like 8.30 in the morning. And that was when I realized I'll never smoke in the morning again. Because once you haven't done it for a couple years, then you do it.

You're like, oh, we like it. Oh, shit. I've never seen anyone smoke cigarettes. I've seen you smoke cigarettes. You do this to your body in the morning. You ruin your day. I love doing cocaine, but I knew one thing. I could not do cocaine in the daytime unless my day was ruined.

Like, I got nowhere to go and nobody to do it with. Fuck it. I'll snort coke at two in the afternoon. But not really. It wasn't my favorite thing. 11 o'clock at night or bets are all. Where are you going? You either go on a bed or you snort and coke, you know what I'm saying?

Looking through the window. When we met you were smoking. Yeah. And you would smoke like half of a cigarette and two puffs and throw it away. Yeah, throw it away. You eat Mike and Ix and then just do another cigarette. And then right before the CSO special, you picked up smoking for like three weeks. It was very, I don't know, you had in your head that was going to, like, pump you up or something?

There is nothing I love more than doing the CISO special. the same ritual before your spots. At this time, I wasn't back at the store yet. I got hooked up with Lee. I wasn't back at the comedy store. I was just doing gigs with Rogan. People would hire me to do these rooms for $200. But I'm like, I got to work on my act.

So I would go to the Ha Ha Ha, Ha, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. And I would tell people, just meet me there. Because I would park my car and go right to the candy store. There was a candy store that stayed open until midnight. And they had everything. Every size fucking light up. I think they had bungs in that too.

Oh yeah. Yeah, but all you ever got was Mike and Aikes. Huh? All you ever got was Mike and Aikes. Mike and Aikes and cigarettes. Yeah, why not? That's all I got.

It was delicious. It was late. It was 10 o'clock at 9.30. I was always the last act. And I would go down there. But you mentioned that. And I got like warmth. It became something.

Like I knew on Thursdays and Friday. and Saturdays, if I was home, I went to the hall and closed out the show. But I'd always dip into that candy store and get my mind. When I brought one in a couple times, they ran out. I would get insulted. Yo, what the fuck? No one else in the whole world bought Mike and Inks. I've never seen anybody eat Mike and Inks.

Me neither. Have you ever seen me eat at Micah Nikes since then? You actually brought, no. What happened? Just the way life is. It fit that part of my life. It fit me getting to there. Before I went in finagle with the comedians and the comedy.

Right. I had a little mic and I could take me back to my youth. You know what I'm saying? That's what I miss. I miss having a place to go back to remind me. Like 76th Street, that Exxon, that's my place. At the end of the night, four in the morning, five in the morning, two in the morning. That was my last stop before I had home.

So that's the one across my high school. Yes, sir. It's not right across. It's this one. Right, right. It's like one block, like one little block over and then right across the street. right there 76 street Matt brother

every night four in the morning every fucking candy freaking Arizona's if I need to stay up more I'll buy a jolt or some shit friggin the caffeine Red Bull or some shit I never robbed that gas station

it was there when I was growing up I used to rob the one across from high school yeah that was Georgie Amicoe's joint yeah it used to be a lot with people people used to rob that one too Oh, my God. Nobody fuck with the X-on because the guys were cool. The Valero, the guy was a dick.

Fuck him. When he pull out that one of cash, fuck, do you? Oh, my God. That was an Amico when we were growing up. It was an Amico because that was the Cuban guy's name. It was Bob Amico when you referred to him. That place was a haven fun. But yeah, we went to shop.

I went to shoplift the gun and got caught shoplifting the gun. And then the lady goes, just tell him. I told him it was from my dead brother. Yeah. You know, this is what he wanted in the grave with him. Is he thought like crying. You shop off at a gun? Huh?

What do you mean? Bathmark was untonelly then. And they had guns? No, they had water pistols. Oh. So I went to try to rob a water pistol, but I got arrested, chopped up in the water pistol. That's just to let you know the early retardations of Joey Diaz.

And then I fucking... She gave it to us. went home, I put black tape around it to make it look shiny. I busted that red thing from the inside. And me and my buddy got rest of the soul, went in there, ready to shoot a motherfucker. And the guy who looked at us, and he was washing his hand, and he left his money on top of the county. I didn't know whether even take the gun on at that point. We just grabbed that motherfucker, and we didn't go on Kennedy Boulevard. We ran down and that way on those streets.

The avenues. Towards Bergen-Lam, but we never really got there. It was like 200 bucks. We thought we were fucking gangsters. Yeah, no. He must have been 16. Yeah, 16. That was not, but that's not even a real one.

A real one is me going in there smack. And the guy, give me everything. Yeah. Freeze! I don't have the balls to do that yet, you know. Honestly. at that time, the guy I went was an animal. So he would call me a pussy and robbed the guy himself

and then not giving me a dime. So I was like, I got to do something. But when we pulled up, the fucking guy had the money on. We walked up to it. We didn't have cars. We walked up there. You walked to a robbery? Well, unless I had a roller skate or a fucking one of those e-bikes,

you know. How did you get away? He just changed you. We walked away. Now you know why my knees are fucked up, okay? Running on concrete. Yeah. Scaling a wall when you can't scale.

Yep. No cameras. You know. Yeah. It's funny how many of those, the first place ever was that Pedro was never there when you were a kid. The Wing Fang Chinese restaurant.

That was right before Chicken Delight, right on that block. You don't remember the Wing Funk? 80, Kennedy. I'm going to tell you something else. When we were growing up on the way back from varsity games, if you walked down Bergen line, I had a chicken delight and all that.

There was a record store when kids. Because I bought sabotage there. I remember I saw it in the window. I'm like, hey, dog, is that the last one? He goes, yeah, we'll give it to you. If it's warped from the sun, bring it back. I'm like, ah, fuck it. I'll never forget that.

I walked home with that house. All those corners were hot. We were growing up. But that wing fong was where you went in dining dash. That's where you worked, you're fucking, if you were good, you fucked into wing fong. Because they had been, everybody dying and dash. The rob of Fulton kids had been fucking killing them for years. Yeah.

That's how you heard. You couldn't wait to get to high school to rob the wing fong, to go in there eat and dine and dash. That's what you got respected in North Perkins. You dine and dashed the wing fong, come on, man. Yeah. You know, they go crazy. So, but I remember going in there and dining and dash. Scary as fuck.

And then fucking your uncle. He went to dining dash from Willie Hughes, Shanghai Palace. And the dude chased him from Willie Hughes Shanghai Palace to the Fairview Board by White Castle. Oh, shit. The guy would have caught him who wasn't of Hudson County Park. It was like three of them. That dude was on him. Him and two other Chinaman.

They were on them, Jack, with the knives and everything. One of them not doing those rickshaws? They didn't even have a rickshaws. They were serious. And I remember Mike, I didn't see him for a week. He got food poisoning from that whole, bro. You can't eat and run a mile to a half with your heart beating at the size of a drum because there's fear involved.

This Chinese dude's got a fucking knife in his hand. Holy shit, no, all right. And, bro, he got sick. He lost like 18 pounds over the weekend. I'll never forget that. That was popular at that age. People were always trying to... But the Wing-Fong was where you developed.

Me? I didn't take my skills through Wing-Fung. I took my into the Mikeai, okay? The Mike-I was where professionals dining dashed on Kennedy Boulevard in front of the cemetery. What about Chinese restaurants? Why is it all in Chinese places? Because...

I don't know. It's not that I'm a racist rob. No, I don't think you're against the racist rob. No, you love Chinese. I'll rob an Arabian place if you let me. You know what I'm saying? Like, whatever. If you let me.

When you're hungry, you don't give a fuck what you're going to rob. It's their problem. Yeah. You sell falafels. I'm in. If a dollar off a falafel I saw a 30 people walking it out of this motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? Lens Garden on 70th, freshman year. We all went in there.

There was kids throwing chicken wings on their baseball baseball. backs and running out. Yeah. 70th and Kennedy. It was called Lynn's Garden when I was a kid. A Chinese place. Chinese plays. Yeah, yeah, I remember.

Yeah, yeah. None of them survived. You guys kept robbing them. North Bergen kids, man. Then there was one on the corner, the same side as Veneery. Yeah. Right by the projects, and the mouth of the projects.

So there. You drive behind the windows were fucking fog. Yeah, man. You couldn't see a motherfucker in there. George and I got food from there one night. Fucking crazy, man. Yeah, man. Northburg is a trip, man.

I miss hanging out, like, driving up here, it was nice to drive around a little bit. I got around traffic, so I hit, like, some of the, like, avenue. There's nobody out. Yeah. Oh, it's dead. I mean, once in a person on the corner across the street.

Yeah. That's it. It's dead. It's fucking, I sit there some nights at that light, you know, by the hashways. I'm going to hit that street to get me to the fucking park. Yeah. To get here. And I sit there in all guys.

I sit there just like because you hear about things changing but when you see them change in front of your eyes it's two different things. It breaks my heart. That's Kennedy Boulevard at what? Five o'clock, that's what you're trying to tell me? That's Kennedy Boulevard.

Five o'clock everybody was coming home from practice. Yep. So there was 20 fucking kids. Remember, you practice at Horace Mann, you practice at Lincoln, wherever. We were running out of room for all these fucking teams they had and all this shit. People usually get hit in the street a lot. How many people were in all around.

I'm not going to lie to you and say, I saw it. But I was at Hashways at night when they came in and said the street is closed. Some guy got off the bus and he got hit on Kenny Ball and they dragged them to the 70. And there was blood in the gut like, you know, on the street. Like you could see the red going down the side of the fucking street there. that area, just think of fucking where Nix is, pizza. That was, that was a hang. Any night there was 40, and at midnight,

there was 140 people out there in a circle. In front of corkeys, Knicks, that was the hot spot. And you drive by, I leave here sometimes when I hit Kenny Boulevard, and I'm like, what the fuck happened? Well, but like you didn't have TV and video games And I think that's why people are home Like I don't know I wasn't alive

Well, Lord Perkin also has a curfew, right? At 10 o'clock And they got cameras on every fucking street Oh shit For like high schoolers, yeah You're on the corner for three minutes If I'm just talking to you about a book A cop will pull up after 10 minutes and go

What are you guys doing? Break it up here. They got cameras in that town They watch it. Oh yeah, we did it, yeah Underage, yeah. That's what they tell you for the safety of the kids, but it ain't for that. If somebody steals, they want in.

You know what I'm saying? Listen, I saw you stole a box from behind the factory. I don't know what was in it. I don't know what I was it. We don't care. We just want a little taste with tars. There used to be a guy that wasn't even a cop.

They used to drive around on curfew time. My boys are chilling on the bench. I mean, like, 15. He goes, hey, you speak to get out of. We said, fuck you. We threw snowballs out. Shut the fuck. He drove away.

I'm going to get the plane. I got him. We got to went home after. He wasn't even a guy. He just drive around looking for kids to fucking bother. Like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? Leave us alone, you creep. He was a baseball coach, too.

I remember I got, I ended up on a team with him. And I had my hat backwards. He fucking, you put your hat forward. It's like a fucking ballplay. Oh my God. I miss it, man. Because it was like hanging out with the rocks of 64 Street.

That was my spot, bro. It's not freaking roll. I learned how to roll a blunt there. Like 45. It's funny like when you first go to a program with your wife, she was your girlfriend. You're like, that's why I learned to roll a blunt. Oh, you see right there, my friend fucked the chick in the ass right in that alleyway.

During business out. And people are you fucking talking about? Like every time I drive. up here, I just look at corners. I'm like, what the fuck did we do on that corner one night? Holy shit. Bro, there's plenty of streets

I can look at and be like, ah, yeah, that was good. A good time there. Because all we do was walk. Nobody had a car when we were kids. And North Berger, you walk. Yeah, walk the hills. Everybody had good calves. I believe that my heart's still alive because of the hills. I believe that. Oh, my goodness. I'm telling you that right now.

I believe that those basic years going up that hill. as I look at it now, when I looked at it then, I was like, this sucks. And my mom didn't drive. He just refused to drive. So I hooked that fucking hill. And I came from McKinley.

So you got to hope the cemetery hill, and then you got to hook the Project Hill. And in the summer, you want to cheeky, you got to walk. You want to go, oh, you want to go to Carvel? You got to walk up there. So we would walk that hill. You know, now I look at that hill on the mic,

that's two days. Never. It would take me two days to walk that hill today. I would have to pitch a tent on the top where they burnt down. Right on the territory there. I would have to pitch a tent there. Somebody would have to bring me breakfast and I'd do the project thing. And I can't guarantee you.

I'm making up the project hill. There's no fucking way. I see those hills now, that 46th Street hill, all those Cantaro's corner there, when you shut up that hill. Go down there now, pull over. and just look at the fucking hill. Go like this, and you go, holy shit, you really want to talk about hills?

How about the motherfucker that would walk down to Tully Liquors and walk back up behind the high school with a 12-pack, with a six-pack of fucking nips? Those fucking cases like this. I look at that every fucking Monday. And I go, wow. Because that hill is a hill. then it like gives you a little like 10 feet

and then it really takes you to the top and now you're gonna pass that old school bodega and now you're all the way to the Kenny Boulevard and it's still like you think you're on Indiana Jones I know it because I see people walking it and I'm like dog beep beat beat bad motherfucker yeah

if you want to abandon ship and leave those kids get in the car I'll give you a right of door that's a long hill and all those kids I grew up with would walk down there I don't drink I would see those motherfuckers walking down to Tonya Avenue and then walking up that hill with a case of nips, not a case of beer,

a case of fucking nips with a bottle on top of it. And I would go, wow. The dedication it takes for that. Why not to stop at the bodega? You have to go to the liquor store? I remember in the summertime, we take stops walking those hills. If we had to carry those boxes, like boxes of beers out, take a break or a bodega, two, like five,

us. Everybody had a box. But even the Lee, when I lived on giving that, Taurus, the bodega, it was a killer. It was a Chinese bodega, dragging groceries. Somebody just wrote a big fucking thing about it. Cuban Chinese, the daughter was smoking. The father was strict, but on Sundays he made Chinese food. Fried rice, canasar, ganilmala. It's the pork that's red on the corner, slice,

clean, bro. The meat was clean, Bobby. My mother would send me up there get two containers of the pork and get a container of pork-fried rice. Dog, I remember one that I had a quailout. Fucking January of 1980. That's when North Bergen used to celebrate

the party on the island, the island of the sanity party. It was always the first three weeks of January. They would pick the coldest Friday night, and they would roll a keg in the middle of Hudson County Park, the island in the middle. In the lake? In the fucking lake.

Get the fuck out of here. How? Class of 78, those kids were fucking nuts. The high school, 78, all the way to like 81, those kids were out of it. But especially that little group there, the ones that won the state, with your grandfather, they did not. They invited me to a party one time. That's when they were drinking a punch.

And I'm like, why is there bees in there? They would put dead bees that were alive. This is a different crew of guys. And you go to these parties and go, what the fuck are these guys doing? But that was the coldest point. And that's one of the nights that I didn't run out of the Wing Fong. Because we started over there.

Talk, it was brutal. and I would drink the fucking, you know, water, and I would drink anything. So not to freeze on the island. You last on the island for an hour. Your ears were like fucking potato chips. Yeah. Now you got to walk across the ice on a quailute.

When that quailute started hit me, it was me, Joe Folk, and Loobes. And we fucking walked across, and it was so cold. We go, let's just go to the wing farm. And they were talking about dining and dash. And I'm like, I'm not dining dashing in that. And fucking folks. fell asleep in the pork fried rice.

And he had a big nose, so the rice was going in his dark. And I blacked out after that. And all I remember was waking up, like, twisted. And all I had was a t-shirt underneath and a blue-hitted sweatshirt. You know, in the 80s, they weren't like comfort and copper. So you resist? No, it was just a sweatshirt. Well, I broke up, all fucking tangled up.

And the dragon grocery had an apartment building next to it. You know, like it was just a bodega, and there was a three-story. Jill Gillab, Gnipkinah, lived upstairs. She was a Jewish girl that was hot. I knew a couple of people. We went to Jill Gutman, another girl that I still remember, lived in that building. So they got interesting stories about that Chinese restaurant. It was a bodega, but on the weekends he cooked.

Dang. All that to get to the fucking point. Damn, but I, that's another thing I miss, bro. It's like good Chinese food, like good Spanish food. Like that, I can't, like, it doesn't like compare it to my mom's cooking and I'm like eating out where we're from. Like, especially West New York in places like that with Union City, Cuban food, bro. I miss that shit. I was like, it's everything.

It's everything about it, bro. Not to get you off food. No. How ideal. Like when I was a young comic Well I was already 30 But You at one point of a comedian

You realize, listen Life's not gonna work for me anymore You know What was regular life The day job That's a good thought And you hold on to it close to your heart But if you're really going out to do comedy

And learn It's not that show It's the fucking hang Because you just want to pick up a little tidbits of guys that have been doing it longer than you. Maybe afterward they go to Taco Bell. Who the fuck knows? They stand on the corner.

Then I would go home and do Coke. Well, at night's I did comedy, I wasn't really focused on cocaine. But I would get back to my apartment in Boulder and I would write jokes late night. Push it 20 years ahead. So now I could get home and eat a snack, drink a Red Bull, and play video games and make money with a bunch of other schmucks. Not much, but get better at it. That's what Rogan used to do.

He would play that game till 6 or 7 in the morning, then sleep all day. It was fucking insane. When I first met him, I didn't know what he was talking about. He would say, I go home and play or something. I mean, you know like when you don't know what somebody's saying you go, yeah, okay.

And then somebody told me, no. And then one day he gave me the computer. And it was a fucking car engine. It was a fucking battery. You remember that one? Used to get Hotly? No, I don't think I was there for that. I came in and you had the laptop. But I remember Rogan, when he, at least on the podcast,

he talked about playing Doom on the PC. Oh, okay. Doom. All right. And those guys used to play. And again, I would sit there going, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to eat breakfast. These guys are going home to play fucking video games.

But now looking at a different perspective, I'm sorry, Lee. It's you go home at night and fucking you can do that. Yeah. And bright jokes at the story. same fucking time because there must be some creepy people up at night. Yeah. Oh, I'm playing online is, I'm sure you can have tons of material. No, it's so much fun.

The guys that are in my chat are fucking animals. They say the most craziest shit in there. So it's like, it's fun. I get to talk about it with them. Do you have a group that you've been doing it with forever? No, I have a couple of guys that have been watching my stream from the get. And like, nah, they pop in once in a while and stuff like that. I meant like the, do you play with like high school guys or like?

Oh, no. I only play with comedians. Like my buddies, like, like, a whole bunch of dudes. I play, like, this game. I want to introduce you to, it's called Arc Raiders. So it's basically, it's like post-apocalyptic. The world has ended, but you're going up to collect supplies to keep living, but other dudes can kill you.

But this is the fun part. You could toggle a thing to put the mic so everybody can hear you. So while you're about to kill somebody, you could talk shit to them. Or after they kill you or they're dead, they can talk shit back and forth. I think it would be a trip. be fucking going crazy. But besides the fact, yeah, man. No, I have a group of friends, like a bunch of comedians that play with the cool guys.

I enjoy it. Like, I'd like to play like two to three nights a week. Right. Maybe three hours, maybe two hours in the afternoon. And we come back when it gets dark out. I love all that shit. Right. I don't think I could sit there all day.

I just can't. No. My inner self would fucking kick me, especially at night when you're like, I could be doing comedy. What's that? Bell comes into your head. That's tough. Now it's 7.15, 7.30. You can still make the 9 o'clock spot in the city.

Yeah, but I'm going to hit traffic. Then you look at your ways. It's an hour 22 and you're like, fuck it. And that's what I don't, like, that's when I would start to trip. That's why I don't go upstairs. Like for that, if I know I have a gig or something like that, and I know I'll fucking, I'll stay home and I'll play video again. I just won't go upstairs.

I have to, once I get back from Washington and all, shit. We got to turn my office and I'll help you out. Because I can't keep doing a living room because they hear it upstairs. Yeah. And they hear me saying all that nonsense and they got to come downstairs and say good night. And I feel like I did something wrong. Like I feel like when they come and hug me, they're like, fucking dad's a loser. No. Like that type of shit. You know.

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I love you. Stay black. My wife's like, I can't believe he's such a loser. But I got to tell my wife, what would you rather me doing? Go to the strip club? That's the only place I got to go. I can't sit at a restaurant again at night and get fat drinking the fucking martinis. And I can't.

Well, what are we going to do? Barnes & Noble closes a seven. I saw they had Barnes and Noble little tables there. They took the Starbucks out and free. but they kept the tables there and now you could sit get a magazine look at it's nice i like that type of shit you know yeah i'll sit at marlbara manalapandina with a notebook that's my world at night Fridays and saturdays they're open till two after like 11 30 12 you got to leave because the banana crew comes in man yeah with alcohol in their system yeah yeah but i like all that shit but then again

that has just open because first of all i thought i play those fuck games with these guys and the crew is Pedro, Lee, and Carly. Lee's been busy lately, you know, but the crew is Carly, me, and you, and we're starting to know, like, that bitch is starting to bust out horns now. And fucking, when I heard that, what is that called? Like, she has one, she's got every gadget in the fucking world. She has a voice changer. She caught me off guard.

We were just playing with chocolate voice. Yeah, yeah. She was like, hey, Pedro. I was like, ah, I fucking jumped. I was like, who's that? That's what she does with it. Hilarious. She's got every fucking gadget imaginable.

Like. I see her stream. It's, it's got like three phones. Yeah. It's got like charges everywhere. She switches the phone, bah, bah. She's taping with one. I'm like, what the fuck?

Crazy. She's got, she's got a light that you put on the glass at the hotel and shit. That's professional. Yeah, like she's got lights in her house. She's got lights that you put on the fucking... It's amazing how many fucking gadgets. But that's why when you see her in Red Band, that's it. They're not going to talk to you the rest of that.

When her and Red Band get together, I end up leavings because they talk about gadgets. And Red Band's got the dates, the time, oh, August 8, or whatever. You're like, what the fuck? How does he know all these releases? That's his world. he lives for gadgets.

I ain't mad at him. I don't know dick about dick. You know what I know people always send me shit that they want to send me. Right. I'm like, what I'm going to do with a razor with eight heads that cleans your fucking, you know, because all I see is

the more shit that's on it, the more possibility of breaking. You follow me? If you keep it simple, we come from the old school. An eight track came with the eight track, the cassette, and the album. Everything was beautiful until the cassette deck broke.

Now you're like a schmuck. You got the 8 track and the album, but the cassette deck. And sometimes when the cassette deck broke, the whole system went down. So that's why whenever I bought stereos, I would buy pieces. Because it was just old shit from the 70s and 80s that we carried around. It's fucking crazy. Would you want a soundboard on your setup? Dog, if you gave me a soundboard, I get you one.

It would be. I bet. No, no, no, we'll set it all up and we'll see how everything is. But a little baby soundboard that I can make little noises and shit. Dog, that's the last thing you want me to have because I hire some Chinese kid.

I know Becky's got a cousin. These Chinese people that could tap into your dreams. And you imagine I tap into Lee's dreams and just hit it with the soundboard all night and shit. I'll live for that. That's my game. I'll put it on.

On Twitch, we'll sneak an FBI camera into Lee's apartment, and we'll just watch Lee at night when I start blaring horns. You told me we were going to do that. Like, when you get me a hotel room, you're going to put speakers in my room and start fucking with me. I'm just picturing Lee in Night Vision. Oh, my. It's too bright in the fucking Night Vision goggles.

Oh, my God. Man, I appreciate all the help you get me, because. Of course, man. schooled me on there. You know, it's difficult for me because I get lost and I just lose interest. Well, I'll tell you what, man. I want the screen blacks out and shit, I start getting pissed the fuck off. But lately I got good patience because I know the flip side is me giggling my ass off.

Because there's nothing I love more than running over people on that show. Forget the heist. Forget. Do you even do missions? Oh, we're doing missions now. We're doing missions. Oh, yeah, we're passing them. There's times.

I'm driving. and I'll see a guy walking. Ask him, last night I reversed it, Brand over. He missed him, and he had to reverse to go get him again. In the middle of a highway. He's like, hold on, I got to get this guy.

When you kill some of the GTA is so great, but also on the sidewalk when you missed them. Yeah. And they yell shit at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you doing, you're fucking jerk? And you're like, a fucking jerk. I'm going to back this fucking car up now.

For sure, you know what I'm saying? I feel like you're driving GTA, how you wish you could actually drive. I don't know if you've been in the car with me, which you have. Of course. It's pretty close to it. Minus the murder.

Like you get close to it. I mean, you're driving pretty good now, bro. You're killing it. Because that's how I drive in real life, guys. I love all that shit. You're going to give me, if you're going to give me a little gap,

I'm going to try to get in there with this car. That's why I love the eighth cylinder. Because that motherfucker cuts me right through like a hot knife on butter, you know what I'm saying? It just slices through the road. You fucking get out of the way, you motherfucker. I wish I could get, fuck, I wish I had great eyes. I try to get like an escalade, the big one,

the take over your city one. But I can't see. Is that why your car always has bumps? Like, your car's in the shop every fucking, you get it back and you have it for like a week. Have you done, have you done? the math on how... Huh?

Yeah. Yeah. But again, I didn't crack it. The force of God made the wind. The wind carried the softball and hit my glass. It's a bill from...

It's a big bill. That's it. The universe wants their little taste every once in a long. Yeah. Their taste was $2,500 for that fucking windshield. That's how much the windshield cost? Huh?

Yeah. How much a windshield cost? Yeah. Fuck that. I'm waiting to see what insurance gives me. And then your insurance will go up. And then they'll go up. So it's a lose-lose situation, but that's why you got to play games to make every dollar you can they leave on the table. Exactly. Because Jesus Christ, like we discussed last week, I was thinking about this fucking

FIFA fucking bullshit that came to Jersey. They'll never come back here again. Please. Don't think so? Look, there was, there was, listen, it was kind of like a disaster and it was like, these people that came got treated like shit having to run over the three through three like animals and fucking that's how much money it made everybody oh my god and they didn't they got treated

and then you have to go in there and buy a water I just came from fucking 10 bucks for a fucking water you know how many waters you're going to drink during the game hello so you know it's like again it's like doing something and then feeling bad when you look at your V

when those people get their bills, they're going to ship their pants. Yeah. They slept in fucking hotels and sea caucus. Howard Johnson's his shit. Yeah, dude. Bro, there was bedbugs there 20 years ago. I left them. Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. Oh, my God. Those are $200 rooms. Yeah, and there's 4,000 for that week. And the North Bergen and there's people in tents. Oh. Because they rented their house. They don't give a fuck those animals in Northburg.

I believe. But think about it. Knock on your day. door. I'll give you $25,000. That's more money you've seen since you bought the house. You'll take it. Do what you want. You want my wife? She'll stay and cook, whatever you need. Take her, please. He's a little big, but everybody's got to work with something. You know what I'm saying? So what about FIFA?

Excuse me? I'm high, but you were going to say something about FIFA, weren't you? Well, no, no, I'm not mad at FIFA. I don't even know who FIFA is. I'm just saying FIFA because half these people got treated like fucking animals. The train ride was really $100, though. Yeah. And guess what? Yeah, and nobody took the train. Where's that train?

Because then they tried to fucking talk about, oh, you were fucking charging $100 to go to the fucking metal ends. How much is that ticket usually? $10. $2.50? Yeah, oh, I'm sorry, dog. You're confusing me. Yeah, you know, I mean, it was just.

again, they make you feel shitty about something good. You tried to show your kids to represent Brazil or whatever third in the world nation they're from, you know, a bunch of corn eaters. You know. Corny. I think we're the corn eaters. Oh, my God.

Do they grow corn in a place? Insert joke here. You know what I'm saying? Corn eaters good for a lot of. of things. How much fun it would be to be like a seven, eight year comic, you know, like Lee, you can't doubt what the discussion we had before about Austin. You saw it. You saw the focus of the comedy down there. You went the night with some tacos. They didn't cost you much. They didn't set your back. You know, I mean, it's a really good comedian lifestyle. You're not going to try

that pizza on six years. You'll shit blood until you get back to fucking Brooklyn. you're not going to eat none of that shit. So it's a very, I like that. I like that. You go go to the Vulcan and then walk down. I've never been to the Vulcan. It was nice. Because my loyalty is with that club.

So I haven't really creeped. I'd rather stay there where I'm safe. If I talk to somebody, they're a comedian, I don't know these clubs. Well, yeah, every comic who's on that street would rather be, like, yeah, and I had a great time in the Vulcan, but that's like saying would you rather be at the comedy seller or the grizzly pear?

Like it's, you know, it's the top club and the city. I just feel at home there. Yeah. It kind of reminds me the comedy store. Of course. You know, I could sit in a green room or sit downstairs, talk to the people. I kind of like it, to be honest with you.

And you know me, when I got a cock, I don't want to talk to nobody. I kind of like it. Because, like I said, after this podcast, what do I do? I talk to you guys for 20 minutes. I get my car and I go right back to Batman. You know how Batman lives in that seated area with woods and shit? and he drives into a cave.

I'm very grateful that I have it. But now I'm not going to talk to anybody until tomorrow when I decide what I'm going to do. And your thing for everything is ease. Because when you said it, I was like, I didn't, I was like, why is he flying there instead of just driving to the city a couple times? But if you, if you're there within like three blocks and you don't, there's no trains, there's no Ubers, there's no, like it's three blocks of E, You just have to make it through the homeless people.

Because that is worse than New York. But it was, it's too, it's a lot. And I did a, across the street from the Mother'ship. I did they have a bar called Maggie Mays. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

or something. So I did that. Nice. And there's one, two doors down from the mothership. Mm-hmm. That's upstairs. You did it.

You know, Paige, how many spots are you doing seven days? Dude, I didn't even count. I know, like about 14. You know,

and that's what I was saying to you, it's basically a, comedy camp. Yeah. You know, and yeah, I can do, okay, let's talk about numbers here. The confusion I have with stand-up comedy is that I know, Lee. How many people you have last night for the late show on Sunday?

Sunday, and we had like 25. Okay. I know that you have to do sets consistently for a while, okay? Yeah. Me doing a set at the RBR lounge, which I love, and then going to the dojo the next day, does something that keeps me active, but it's not going to take me over that hump. I start every fucking other week.

And it kind of gets old. But now I've got to go up there and tell you, I don't remember my material. Because I don't look at the notebook and none of those jokes I said at the dojo were even on there. So it's a complete, if I got on stage a couple nights in a row, I build that muscle memory back guys. It's a lot easier. I'm talking here from the heart. Again, if I go to New York, I got to. to stop because I'll do it like a white dude.

I can't. I don't have the time to drive my car park and walk around. My knees fucked up. We might get chased. Israel. You know, who knows what's going to happen. Right. But in reality, I just take the ferry over. My spots

are not going to be late. I don't want to do late spots. I'm too old to be out there late. But I'll start at seven. If I could do three spots and go home, I'm good. But then again, You just damped me for three hours on the travel. Right.

There's always going to be an excuse not to do it. So now, I'd rather take a three-hour flight down there, do six or seven sets, and a three-hour flight. Because in my mind, I'm even saving on ass time. Yeah? I'm saving on ass time. So it's kind of like that's what I'm looking at. I'd rather do, listen, I'm not going to do the weekends anymore. It's really hard for me to do a Friday and a Saturday and justify it, especially in my household.

You know, for years, I was out on Fridays and Saturdays. They want to see me around. Some nights, Terry goes out and I got fucking mercy. But I'll tell you what, I could always do Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, with no fucking problems. Those are my nights. But when do I do three nights in a row in front of three quality audiences in New Jersey? Have you done three nights in a row since you've been back? Two nights.

Yeah. And then I'll do two shows the next week, two nights. But it's all, like, I got, like, that's the most headlining I've ever done the last week. From Wednesday to Sunday, I headlined at least one show Friday and Saturday to two. By the end of it, my 40, like, I was doing the same 45, but I probably added, like, 10 minutes. Like, it just, just from doing it over and over again. You're a fucking comedy camp, and it's condensed. And guess what?

If you don't drink, you don't really, you know, you go back to your room at 1130, 12, 1. Yeah. keep the pat out why go to sleep take that notebook out see if you could joint anything it's not going to be gold but maybe you said something at a club maybe you threw away a lot

now it becomes comedy camp you wake up in the morning you wash your pussy you go downstairs you get a coffee a baynette whatever the fuck you want to eat for breakfast a cup of Greek yogurt and you grab a notebook you call your agent whatever the fuck you got to call that day book a podcast guest or whatever

but you're more focused on stand-up. I don't have to take mercy to strength and conditioning and then go to the ear doctor and then go do this. It's just four days that I'm focused on fucking comedy, guys. Anywhere I wake up, I always get coffee, go outside. You gotta start your day with the sun. If it's raining, I'd under a fucking ledge, you smoke a fucking number, and you go back upstairs.

They got the fucking Greek yogurt thing right at the hotel my favorite one. So I'm good. I could go downstairs, get a coffee, and then on the way up, get a Greek yoga and the freshly squeezed orange juice. I'm good until I go out of lunch. I could sit there for two hours and just write.

I can't do that at all. And does the club record for you? They do what they want, but I'm never going to watch it anyway. You would never watch it? No. Even when you're writing? Okay.

No. I don't want to see myself. I don't want to see side angles of me. I don't want to see nothing. If I got to do stand-up in the dark, I would. You could. But it's the truth. This is the only way this is going to work for me.

Can I live in that environment for a month? I don't have it. I don't have it. But I got a week for you. I got a week. I got four or five days before I start missing my family. When I was doing stand-up, I leave three days. That's enough.

Now you're asking me to stay four or five. we got to work to that level because I get the itchies. I got to go. That's it. I did what I came to do. I was here for two nights. I did five spots. I got blood drawn and I went to us get a stake with my friends.

That's more than I'm going to do in three weeks where I live. Right. And I mean, and I know you don't do it for the money, but you can make enough money to cover your plane tickets. No, what I'm going to do is, but right now this has all been an investment. You got to invest in.

You got to go down there and look around. You know, I don't know what's going on. I don't know what the fuck is going on. In fact, it took me, how long have they been down there? A few years? It took them five years to finally, it took them about three and a half years. When we did the Paramount, that's when I started going. There's something here.

There's something here. I can't figure out how I could do it, but there is something here. You cannot deny that. Yeah, but I don't want to be part of Rogan. You've got 19 clubs besides Rogan. There's tons of comedy without Rogan. So if you want to fucking get down, down to the ground, cocaine. The point of this is you're doing spots at night and getting on stage.

That's the point of this. I'm far behind party and or hanging out in the blue room, whatever, the green room afterwards. We got to go. We're picking up a little envelope, 50 bucks, 10 bucks. And to warm up, I would love to go to two. open mics with no pressure. For how long was I not going to the fourth wall with you? How many spots that I have after that?

I've gone to the main room after the fourth wall. But it cost me five bucks to do five minutes just to warm it up. Just to warm it up. How much better you felt if you could do three minutes in front of like a warm-up room and then go on stage and do 20 or an hour? Yeah. You warmed up. I used to do that when I first started.

If I had a show, I had to do an open mic first. Yeah, me too. I feel better. Yep. I feel a lot fucking better. I'd do that when I first started too. And you'll, I mean, and you're doing, I'm not saying you're not doing good now, but if you, when you are in Austin for however long, if you do that a week a month for three months, you come back and do a show, you'll see the difference. I come back with five new minutes.

Yeah. Come back with more than five minutes. Okay, but let's just start with five. Five minutes. And then Thursdays I do Joey Diaz and friends at 8 o'clock at night once a month. and that's my rent and the plane ticket. And that's it. I break it out even, you know.

But I'll figure it out. By the time I get to the next time, there's something else going on, and there's something else going on. All I'm trying to kill is 18 months. That's my new goal. You've been killing 18 months for 10 years. I'm going on probation.

In 18 months, I go to parole, and I got an option. You know what I'm saying? Nobody's saying I'm going to quit. I just want you to understand. what I'm doing. I got an 18-month window and I'm trying to do something. You follow me?

What are you trying to do? Details are coming soon. Okay. No, I'm not. Listen, this shit is changing, guys. This game is not what it used to be 20 years ago or 10 years ago. It's fucking changing. So we've got to figure something else out.

We've got to figure what's the next move. speaking of that did you see what Shane Gillis did this weekend that was pretty fucking impressive dude a duck it's impressive as fuck

fuck yeah man and like he had the people he had opening he had music acts during it he brought another comic on stage

it was uh it was so like and I was really happy with people I've never had that many people

come out just for me but I was like I have 45 and I'm thrilled and he's he set the record 100 what is it 77000

7000 And it was just, I don't know, just. And then someone posted, I saw someone posted like a show he was doing seven years ago at like a VFW. And I was like, oh shit. Or a bowling alley, whatever it was. And I'm like, wow, he sold out where the Eagles play. And this is just things that keep you alive. Right.

They're not supposed to induce hate. Fuck, Jane Gillis. You know, Trump, fuck, Trump. What are you talking? The guy just did some. Pay attention, you fucking hump. That's the direction that might be going. You know how they do Lola Palooza?

What's that shit they do in the Coachella? Mm-hmm. Three days. So I could see them doing a comedy-rap two-day event. Two-day, finish out with like two great rappers at the end of the night. I could see that come. And they'll get those numbers every 90 days. Wow.

If you build it, they'll come. That's how we were raised in the United States of America. If you build it, they'll come. So watch what I just told you here. This is getting people thinking right now. This is a different level of, you mean to tell me, we can get 77,000 people out. But the summer's slow.

Yeah. Last week, we had the Daytona 500. But this is what I want people. see. I'm really proud of Shane Gillis, especially after he got canceled and then they had to eat shit and bring them back to show the American public that knock it off with your bullshit. Knock it off. This is going back again, I'm not one of those humps. But this is why all those white dudes wore wigs and signed papers, you know, 1776. You know what I'm saying? So you could say what the fuck are you to condemn me?

Oh, he's going to offend somebody. He's going to offend nobody. If they have a life, that's forgotten the next day. That's forgotten the next day. But, you know, cream always rises to the town. So we were talking about motivation, you know. Last week we were talking about money. Like when you find out what people are making,

you're like, what the fuck am I doing wrong? I'm making a living doing a YouTube super chat, playing a violin with a magician named Whoa, whoa. You know what I'm saying? whatever they fuck their name's off. The same thing, guys. This is going somewhere. The specials aren't working no more.

Okay, so how did this music thing change? Because they don't want to buy albums no more. These kids now they'll pay $800 to see three comics with a rapper and a DJ, sponsored by Red Bull or whoever the fuck it is. You get a hotel in the area and you sign up for two days, At the end of two days,

going to do something big. Who knows? This is where it's going. Yeah. So me, give me 200 seats. Do you know what I'm saying? And I'm pretty fucking happy. Dude, if I sold 200 seats,

I would come in my pants. At one not show. Yeah. For me, dude, like it's that, just that is like the Eagles stadium for me. To have a sold-out comedy club,

like an, like an actual. comedy, like a big improv comedy room, and that's not even 200. But that's... You know what you feel like when you're on the plane for the first, like the first six months you're building? After the first year, I was on the road with Justin. It was getting to the point where you get on a plane Sunday. You sit down and you put your luggage away.

And all of a sudden, they're like, you know, soda, water, no, no, no, or nothing. You put your earphones on and you're like, what the fuck just happened? and you think about every fucking room you did with eight people. And every room you did with 30 people. And all the empty promises, do this show, Howard Stern's coming. Oh, yeah. And then you get there. Well, we talked about it on Stern.

We told the assistant to mention it. And you're like, enough, enough. After all that shit. And here you are on a plane. It's Sunday morning at 6 a.m. And you just sold out. five comedy shows in anybody's club. Helium, the improv, Baltimore.

What's the name of the club? Magoobis, great club. Any of these clubs, you have to tap yourself on the back, especially if you came from that, especially if you weren't a YouTube sensation, or you weren't, like, you fucking put in the sweat. You went on the road with two guys for a year and a half, and then broke out and did your own thing, you know.

Once that, you know, what about when you go to a town and sell out Saturday late and you go back to the hell, turn, just jerk off all over yourself and wipe it on your face like a fucking gorilla. Oh my God. And you're like, oh my God. Like I, and dog, it was the first time I ever sold out of room, it was the weirdest fucking show ever. It was December 26th. It was 2006. 2007 at the Houston Impro. The Houston Laptop.

I built it up from a feature there. And then the guy liked me, so I just kept going back. I would take whatever he had. And then he goes, Joey, just start headlining on off weekends. And I started headlining in there. And just from that, from building.

And now, listen, everybody knows that on a Saturday late show at this club, they were going to get 200 people for a penguin. The club was that good and it had built such a reputation in that town. But just fucking when he told me, Joe, you sold out the second show Saturday. I'm like, I can't even sell out the OR. You're telling me I sold out. And I had like 200 people for the early show. Nice.

It's a build. Right. You know, it's a really interesting build. And then you see how your agents cut those deals for those. Last time you sold out two shows. All right, we're going to give you a $500. But both shows on Saturday and both shows on Friday if you're selling them out. And now you have to pick a show every night and go.

I'm going to focus on that. So hopefully that they'll go to the second one if the first one sold out. And then you figure out. You figure out. For some reason, you're not a Saturday early guy. I was never a Saturday early guy. Really? I couldn't sell a ticket at 7 o'clock at night.

Wow. But I also had a goose goose goose going. went on with me that I bombed the first show. You saw me bomb in San Francisco a couple times. The early show Saturday, it got into me years ago because they're more, you know, they have babysitters at home. They went to dinner. Mom is watching the children.

The second show, they were daily's mommy, you know, he's dancing at the club to 11. So your kids hanging out with grandma and they saw crack in the basement, you know. Those are the people you get for the second show. Right. People are just animals. They've been drinking since six. Yeah. The best.

It's so funny. I do the opposite. Early show loves me. And then when like the young and the crazy people come out, it's, uh, sometimes it's harder for me. I, dude, I took, I've never drank on stage. This Friday night late show. I did two shots of tequila.

Oh, wow. I don't know. I've never done that on stage. How'd you feel? We fucked up a little bit. Okay, Lee, right now you're trying to build a hook on stage. You're there. You just got to build a hook and build some credits.

And shit will start moving for you. But all this takes time. You know, I wish it was just, it happened. Sometimes it happens because you planned it. That feels good. But I gotta be honest with, sometimes it happens by accident. George went to drop off a thing. and the guys started talking to them.

Well, I got 200 fucking painting rooms that need a fucking picture. Jet just hit a millionaire. That happens too. So you've got to work both angles. You got to expect this is going to happen, but this ain't going to happen unless this happens. You follow me?

What are we talking about? Tickets or something shit. I'm selling tickets. Building it is what you're right. Right now, you're just going out on the road. So, I mean, I don't. I don't want you to go on stage with a cocktail. I don't want you to go on stage and ask questions no more.

Okay, now, how are you guys doing tonight? No, I want you to power into your material. But at the same time, at the eight and nine minute part mark, okay, you got to say to yourself, you're rocking right now. You're on a good little tear, you've gotten some laughs, and the waist is walking by. You pull her aside in the, only pull it aside, excuse me, miss. On your pocket on stage, you give me a shot of tequila and watch people go, put the money away, we'll send you one. Once you do two or three shots with them, that's it.

You own them. That's how you build that market. Okay. Okay. Because you can't go out there with a joint. No. Right. It's not talking to them, you know, whatever.

That's part of building a market. They want to go down there, but your set's going to change. Yeah. Okay. You're not going to be 45-minute league. you're going to be Q and A Lee go back to your material

they give you an idea and you're going to find shit out about yourself Oh yeah I didn't go back to your room and go I didn't even do no any counts I know you didn't need to The Knight dictated itself You know what I'm saying

Woo I don't have to do that material tonight You're like Jesus I couldn't do that joke About fucking fucking dick again This is what happens It's really interesting Like what you said Dionne I went up and I didn't even do material I was just turning out fires.

That's a complete other muscle. Yeah, that was new to me. That L.A. comics don't have. If I moved to L.A. or I moved to New York and I just become a comic, yeah, you do Sabatoga Springs and all those little hell holes around New York City. But think about it. That's the backbone. There's those Friday night late shows where you know.

I got my late night set. I'm preparing tonight. Fuck you. You're in Kentucky. You ain't for a little late-night show. Are you retarded? You're at Zanis in Chicago. You know, you're at these plate.

Not Zanis is a great club. You're at a club where they're going to disrupt your shit. Like I told you, I used to work in a club in Idaho, where they decided to send you prairie farts on stage. And you had the choice. You didn't have a choice. Okay? You either drank the cherry, the prairie,

the prairie fart. or they just chiseled you for 30 minutes. Like Bill Burr-style in Philadelphia. That's what I said on state. This was like the university where Drew Bledsoe went to school. Out there in Idaho, this was, I forget what the name of this club was. It was booked by John Fox. It was the first club he ever booked me.

I got there on a Saturday. He gave me the Friday night there. I was like, holy shit. I left there drunk as fuck. A prairie far is tequila with tobacco. Costco saucing. Get the fuck out of here. Oh, yeah.

Fuck you. And they would start sending you those things. That's just torture. One of the last times I did it, because they was Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. No Thursday? So he would either give you a Wednesday or Friday and Saturday.

Gotcha. So you can tell him, like, let me get this Wednesday and give me this one. Well, the last times I did it was a Wednesday. I think he paid $50 more. And for the hotel was nice and shit, but I drank so many of the, those shots. I got back to my hotel room.

The room was just fucking. I was doing Coke back then, but I didn't even think about it. Not in this place. And I know. It's a college town. The room was just fucking, and I sat down for a while. I fucking wobbled to the whole way and got ice and tried to put it on my neck.

Next thing, you know, I started pukeling that sink. When I got out the next morning, it was just Tabasco. It was just a leg of Tabasco on half-melted ice. Grandpa, wake up. I'm saying? He's in a trance. He sees himself fucking taking Hudson County.

I did it. Oh, fuck. What are we saying? We were talking about getting fucked up on stage. Yeah. That's, you know, that's, I'm sorry. Because when you go to any part of Texas, Beaumont, one of those motherfuckers in front of you is going to come

out with no material, but he's going to come out and go, oh, thank you for coming out tonight. How about, let's do a shot for the armed forces. Oh, my God. And right when they do that, when the crowd goes crazy, he just set the tone. So I don't want you to walk up there with a shot like a fucking idiot. No.

And try to fit in with the shot. In the middle of your set and what's going on, can I get two shots of tequila, please? And it's not for every set. Okay, because number two, you might be the funniest guy in the world. But if your customers they're spending money, I ain't bringing your fucking sorry ass back. Right.

They're doing their own AA meetings. Right. Yeah. And number two, those waitresses, there's going to be five of them. You're going to tip all five of them. Double of what you usually tip them. Because who's going to bring you back? Staff.

Is Lee coming back? He's so sweet. You know, who gives a fuck? All that shit matters. But remember, at the end of this game, Lee was very funny, but every time he performs, there's five people, and they don't drink. They're fucking Mormons. Right.

They ain't bringing you back. They got a guy that plays the clown. He's been on YouTube, and he's got 10 million followers. And that's the reality of the game today. Yeah. It's even more cold-blooded now. It's not that they don't care if you're funny, but it just really doesn't, all they want is you to sell tickets.

And I get it. It's how they make their money. It's a business. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I'd love to tell you, If I opened up a comedy club, I'm going to make my money, a lot of money at the door, and I'm going to fucking rape him with the bar drinks.

But you're not going to make no money at the door, because if you got a comic, the agencies take that. You get 20% off the top of that shit. You can finagle a couple tickets, but they're going to throw you under the prison like Mensia. You can't be doing that shit. You can't be doing that shit. You know what? Did you see his excuse?

Is what? Yeah, he put out a, he was like interviewed on TV. He's like, I just didn't pay my shit. my tax. Like you was like an excuse to like listen I didn't do anything bad. I just didn't pay my taxes for 10 million, up to 10 million dollars. That's a good like, oh, I don't know. Like yeah, like yeah. He'll be fine.

I just didn't pay. Because he keeps talking that nonsense, they're going to split him away like they did me. Because he's talking that nonsense. Everybody's watching that. The judges are watching that. The fucking DA is watching that. Everybody's watching that. And instead of him

saying, listen, I had a bad fucking year. I had personal stuff going in my life. I saw the bills, but I was negligent, and I'm willing to pay whatever fine or whatever the state wants to do with me. Boom. He's out there with a fucking, a stupid fucking shirt on of Che Guevaro, some fucking fake fucking cock sucker. And, you know, it's how you approach that right now. That's what they're watching, especially with all the media. When I had no media, they're still watching.

go out at night and get and I'm with Pedro and he starts to fight and the cops come and they take my ID within three days I got to call for my probation officer they got to violate me because I was there with Pedro right they know shit already so it's kind of fucking weird I don't know I don't know nothing how long you've been doing comedy before not Pedro seven years is going to start it right in North Perrigan I start yeah well no my first open mic was in Garfield in a place called the boiler room The stage was a pallet, a wooden pallet. There was a drunk Portuguese guy cursing people out in the front.

But he was good. Bro, I was so nervous. I've never been nervous like that in my life, like before that set. I've never been shaky or anything like that. Bro, I had a fucking computer paper ran down my jokes. I was shaking so much. People could hear the paper and the whole play. Everybody was like looking.

It was that noise. And it was me shaking there like that. But once I touched that, that? That's it, bro. So it's going to be eight years November now.

It's November. Yeah. Yeah. I've been a comedy fan since I was nine years old, though. I've been watching Comedy Central, premium blend.

Yeah. B.H1 stand-up since I was, yeah. So I was in front of the TV since I was a kid. That's what I did, bro. Friday nights,

Comedy Central presents. I think it was Thursday. It was Premium Blend. And the Spike TV had stand-up. But I didn't know I didn't know you could do that. I thought somebody, like,

Hey, you, you want to go to comedy school? I thought I was like that. So I was like, I can't do this shit until a chick I went to high school with. She hit me up. She was like, hey, people do comedy at this bar, which was the boiler room. I think you should try it on. I went out, man. It was fight fucking crazy.

And I would look back. The call from, what's the name, Natalie? The girl that called you? Her name was Angie. She hit me up. The time she called you to the time you got on stage, how long did it take? Three years. Hey, Joe, you beat my record by 18 months.

Took me a year and a half to get on stage finally. Plus, I told you. You know, that's why when you get, like, stories from Becky, I joined the contest. And I went down, you're like, what the fuck? You know what? It took me a year and a half of procrastinating, watching stand-up movies and shit. That's going to be me some day.

Yeah. Yep, that's right. That was me. Snort and Coke watching fucking the one with Tom Hanks and Angel Salazar and Sally Field. Yeah. Yeah, every week. And I would get agitated when the movie ended and the Coke ended. I would try to write these Godzilla jokes that would got awful.

Oh, my God. That was my only premise was Godzilla and Chinese people. I like Godzilla. He used to step on garbage. And I look at this shit and go, I'm going to. to make it to the top someday. You know, you're such a retard. But 18 months, and I fucking feel

terrible, who, I had a good day today. Because I just found that out. Somebody beat my record. Why did it take you three years? Because I was scared, man. Oh, yeah. I was scared as fuck. I was like, what are people going to think about me? Honestly, how many times did you get in the car

to go? I did it three times. I did it three times. And then I just said, fuck it. I'm not going to, I'll do it I do it. And then I had this fucking arguing with my boss at this time. I wanted a fucking ground by the fucking throat and I couldn't. And that drove me insane. So I was like,

I gotta figure this out. I don't, I gotta, like maybe, maybe. I fucking, three years later, I fucking went. I said, fuck, I saw my pride. I called Angie. I was like, they still doing that open mic? Yep. I fucking right to it. I lied to the bartender trying to act cool because she was hot. I was like, yeah, I'm just here to, you know, I do comedy in the city.

I never did a fucking minute of comedy. And I went on stage and I ate a bag. Well, I did okay. The second time was bad. But yeah. Oh, the second time was crickets because now they see that I'm trying. And they thought it was a one-time thing.

So I guess they laughed. But the second time, they're like, fuck this fucking guy. Yeah. It's so crazy how I think of that time. And I get sad. I really do get sad that a little low I took of pussyness.

And I would call every Tuesday. Hey, Joe Dia is next week. All right. That next Tuesday, they would call me, hey, Joey, you got three minutes on Tuesday night. See you tonight. I'm like, oh, my heart would just stop. And then I start thinking about excuses. I start sweating.

I purposely look for Coke. It would ruin my day. It was horrid. I got in my car a few times. And then, man, it was just calling. And they called me and my wife overheard at the time. And she made me go. She goes, I got a babysitter.

Yeah. But I remember driving with her going, how do I tell I want to turn this car around? Like, how bad do I? But I knew that, like, I feel like crying now. Because I always knew that if I could just get on stage, something was going to happen. I just knew it. I just felt it. I was sick of fucking working.

I was 32, and I was done with it. Like, I, you know, no, I was 28. And I was done with jobs and fucking. Like I hated that whole thing. Like I said last week, I loved to steal. And that was in sell coke. That's the only thing I was qualified for. I had already gone to prison.

Now I'm a double loser. No high school diploma. Enough is enough, Joe. We go down there. Bro, getting off that stage that night was just... And you go home and you can't sleep for two days. You're like, how am I going to fit this into my fucking world? I got a kid.

I got no money. I'm making payments on fucking everything I own. Yeah, you know, it's scary. And also it's just, and it's funny because I got on stage and then I got on stage like three or four times. And then I was having problems at home. It was August.

I was trying to feel the drama at all. We weren't getting along. But she encouraged the stand-up. And then I came to New York. And I hung out with this chute for 10 days. And I just got fucked up. Every night I was going to the city. Yeah, I'm going to go to the city tonight and kill him.

I never even did stand up. The whole thing I came was to walk around New York. I never parked the car and walk around. I was so fucked up. And I went back in September. And I think I did maybe a open mic at a fucking bar. two, three hours away one night and they put me up at one in the morning.

I was fucking furious, you know? You don't know. I'll do it. And the guys are like, yeah, we started nine. We go to about 1.30. You're number 31 or something. I'm like, I got to sit here to all this shit. And just watch the audience leave.

Yeah, one by one. Just one by one walking out the door, the audience, and you're just there, oh, my God. And you have a joke for one person like this, jokes and they can get them. Yeah. Oh, my God. And then one guy goes up and walks 22 people.

Yeah. I remember that night vividly. And then I remember maybe two weeks later, she dropped the hammer on me. She didn't want to be married no more. But it was like October 15th. I was looking through the Boulder Pichette already moved out. And I remember looking through the paper when I bought his fuck. I was thinking about going to getting Coke and all this shit.

But I looked and I said, comedy tonight, Boulder Broker. 8 o'clock show, $15 for a dinner and a ticket. And then it goes, if you come early, it's a comedy contest. Oh, you know what? I got no wife. I got a little kid. I got a TV with a VCR. I got a mattress upstairs.

She took everything. It ain't going to get no better in this house. Let me just go. And I went down there, paid the 15. bucks and I watched the amateur comedy and I knew like one of the guys like I had worked with him before on an open mic or whatever and I'll never forget the ball I've just went up to the manager like man how do I get on the contest he goes when do you want to do it I go you tell me and he goes next Tuesday and he goes just show up it's every week so the more you show up the

more brackets you went. I was like, okay. I go, you sure I can just show up next Tuesday? He's like, you got it. Again, I was bored and lonely, and I went up there. Never been looking back? Then I started doing it. And I think except for one week, he told me I couldn't do it that week, and then it was the same night as the Comedy Works open night. So I was taking like a big chance.

I should be at the Comedy Works. They liked me at the Comedy Works, but I'm coming. down here on Tuesday. I think I went to the comedy worst one time. I think I ate a bag of dicks. So I said, let me just go to the broker for right now. And they asked me to do the finals. And I won.

And it changed everything by just getting up off my ass and going to this steakhouse. It was like a steak, uh, shrimp place. Okay. It's a contest you won, though. That feeling is nice. What's that? winning a contest that early? Dog, it was lucky.

It was fucking luck. Like, everything was going bad in my life at that time. And here was comedy's coming out of woodwork. Like, the last thing I expected. I thought by that time I'd get promoted at the roofing company. No, here I am actually doing what I was scared of doing. Every Tuesday. I was too fucked up in the head after the separation to even focus on work.

I was a salesman. I couldn't even focus. I am. So I took time off and I just fucking wrote stupid fucking jokes. When you finally got off stage the first time, did you think to yourself, I found my thing? I found what I was put on here, like what I'm here to do. This is what I meant for. Yes and no.

I'm not going to lie to you. Okay. Because that doubt was always there. I'm from North Pergin. Yep. You know, I'm a Cuban kid. I got felonies. what are going to do when they find that

and I didn't even make it through. I thought all these comedians were perfect. You know, like there were perfect models in there. Yes. I didn't know. So I was like, who my fucking thing? I'm going to go do one of these comedy shows. I'm going to punch a magician in the face.

And they're going to throw me in jail for the rest of my fucking life, you know? That's how I always looked at it. But I always, that night I remember going home, and there was a level of being high without being high. like a euphoric fucking state and I saw I saw myself doing it so it was really interesting after that

and then three months later this woman doesn't want to be with me no more I hit the jackpot I hit the fucking jackpot I felt bad for my daughter and the whole thing I was still going to stay in Colorado but at least I can give this shit a shot 100 fucking percent

with no skeletons just go for it it. And that was it. That was exactly what I did. I just kept doing it. I'm always rich as gear in office and a gentleman. I'm going to throw them out. I ain't got no place to go. I got no place to go. At the end of the day, you don't. What am I going to go back and do? Become a waiter?

A bartender at 63? I got nowhere to go. I go to work for George, delivering frames and checking the air condition. I can't even climb on the fucking roof. What can I do at 63. So what can I do at 42? What can I do at 44? At that point, you're in, bro. And I was already in, you know, I don't know, 15 years. You're in. That's it. Fuck it. Sorry. And then I got a movie. And you're like, okay, we are into something. You know what I'm saying? We on to something. And you got another one. And you're like, holy shit. And I thought I would only be an extra,

but I ain't going to tell that to nobody. And that's all it is. Take an acting class once in a while just to make yourself feel fucking better about what you're doing. You know, having conversations with us like this. That helps you, you know, whatever.

Keep getting on stage. Yeah. Look at Lee. He keeps getting on stage. That's it. You know, he's got obsessed with numbers, but he's a Jew. And I respect that, but that's going to take them down eventually. You'll know it.

Because right now, just take these gigs. Who gives the fuck? You're not going to go, I mean, what are you going to do? Get a plane with ads? What are you going to do? How many more people are going to show up? Lee, Syatt's in town. A cloud rider might help.

You never know. You know? I mean, right now you're looking at, you got to think about what Shane Gillis did. Mm-hmm. And go, they're out there. Right now, any smart young comic is looking at that. I'm a Billy goat, and I'm still looking at it going, what the fuck just happened? That could have been Shane Gillis, or guess what, Lisa, that could have been you.

Yeah. That could have been Pedro. That could have been Eric Rocher. It would be anybody. We all started doing open mics. And we all started doing open. And when you see that, what did I say last week? every once in a while you get down on comedy

and it's something like this happens. You got two ways to look at it. Fuck Shane Gillis. You fuck that. He stole a joke from me in a coffee house. Come on, guy. You're co-M-Cing. But he stole a joke from you, you know.

Co-m-M-Zing. 25 people on the line up. And that's a complete different mental illness. But think about what this kid did. Think about the avenues you have in front of you. I mean, for me, listen, I wouldn't even dream that big like I've had. I'm good. No, that's not even, because I get jealous all the time.

I want you both to think that fucking big. And I want you to go, you know what, dog? Guess what? I'm going to show these white motherfuckers. I'm going to go to Israel and sell 90,000 seats. You know what I'm saying? Boom. And at the end, drop a bomb.

Forget a B50, too, I know. Just kill half the fucking state. You know, I mean, these are jokes, but I want you guys to think like this is, dog, if I, what am I going to do? George Burns come out there with a cigar on a wig, you know, hey, Rosie, hey, I don't leave, remember what I mean? Get the fuck out of here, Joey. The fuck out of here. But you guys got, like I always tell you, guys got the world by the balls. Just stick to it.

There's no fucking secret. I'd have hundreds of thousands of dollars If I put a book together with bullshit People would hate me But I'd hook everybody I'd just get an ad like Rolling Stone Comic and Have Shane Gillis

Give like a quote It's the best comedy book I've ever read You know that's it You could fucking swindle people There's no it's the same fucking It's the same fucking mathematical thing What is it? What's how you're?

algebra, x plus y equal x. Yeah, something like that, right? Yeah. And we got to figure out what the X is and the Y is. Or they give you the answer, you know. This is comedy algebra. Yes. And it's like I say, it's part of the comedy karma.

It's so many fucking things that have to align. But while that shit's aligning, go fuck your mother. You're on stage every night. While that shit's align. What are you going to do? If you sit at home and wait, look out the window every night. Yeah, it's going to lie to me. I can see the North Star.

No, it's not until you go out and go, I really don't want to go out tonight. My fucking foot hurts. My knee hurts and also on your leg. You look at the couches. There ain't no money in there. You've already swindled that. You're so fucking, you're such a douchebag.

There's an I owe you in there from me, yourself. You know what I'm saying? Like, you all. I owe you $0.75 and shit. And you go out, and those are the nights when something happens. I just go to the hounder. There'll be three people. You walk in, there's 100 people.

And you're like, what happened here tonight? Bro, a bunch of fucking gay tourists. Walked in to have the best time of that line. And I'm not, you know, I'm just saying anything. German tourists, fucking Israeli tourists. And you're there in front of 100 people. What were you going to do? And then when you get on the train that night,

when you get that slice of, a pizza on the way home, because you deserve it. You were going to sit at home. Yeah. You know what? I've got a slice of pizza. And I'll stop and give the misses a little flour. Yeah.

That's basically it, guys. There's no fucking... Chappelle has been doing this since he was, what, 13, 16? Yeah. It was, you know, Nick Cannon, when he was a fucking kid, I just saw the other days, 40-something years old. He's been doing this, God knows, 30 years. I was in L.A. 98, 97.

They would put him outside and then sneak him into the club. He only had like a little time because he was a minor. So they would have to put him up like between 8 and 815. And it's like he had his parents around them outside. The host would have to fly out and say, come on, Nick, we're ready for you. And they would run them in. He'd do his 10 minutes and they'd run them back out. So, guys, it's for all the time.

you can't worry about this because you don't know that's why you got to do everything that's offered to you because you don't know hey Lee I'm shooting this fucking short film about Jews taking over all of them you want to be one of the prisoners you know whatever one hour of your day you're going to be there for eight hours

you're going to meet two people okay then I'm going to pay you and be going to meet two people guess what it got fucking one first prize and the little Italy film festival. You and two other movies from Japan, so you won,

you know, shit like that, but it's a title. And now, and then no court you can go Lee. This guy wants to see you about a movie. This one's going to pay $50 a day. And you do that. And Lee, all this shit is just a circle and it comes right back to you at the end.

How do I know? Because I saw it. I saw it. I remember all the nights I would stay at the comedy store till 2 because I had to go shoot a student film at 4 a.m. You know, no money, no money. They get abused.

Then you go see the finished products and who shot this? Why am I in this? Oh, you learn this, you learn how to step on that, you learn how to look at the camera, you focus. Everything you do is not, and then you take an acting class. You learn how to put all fucking three of them together. and you start podcasting, you draw pictures,

I don't give a fuck. You know, I don't give a fuck. You got to, as long as your heart pure, something's going to hit. And your intentions are good, something's going to hit for you. It may not be what you want, and how the man's there, right?

You can't always get what you want, but you get what you need. Fuck yeah. I appreciate all your help on GTA, Pedro. Anytime, brother. Anytime. And that's why I use you with stand up. I see you guys growing.

you, Becky, Hector, Lee, it's amazing what, and I saw myself grow as a comic because now when I go to the dojo, one of those clubs, I'm not the funny guy in home. You know what I'm saying? I'm the old guy watching you guys, learning from a different perspective and being proud that I'm still allowed in that green room.

You know, I don't want to be that old guy. I'm in 62. You know, fucking legend. Nobody gives a fuck. Come on, you're a fucking legend, brother. Nobody gives a fuck. And you have to know that going in. But I've learned from you guys.

As a matter of fact, it made comedy fun for me again. How can I describe it? Before I left L.A., I was doing corporate comedy. It was businessy. You know, I wasn't worried about numbers. Everything was business-based, which means give me my check so I get the fuck out of here. I was still focused on the show.

Now I'm having fun at these shows. It's because you young guys come, you show up. We get the worst appetizers in the world. We eat. We smoke dope. You steal lighters. My fucker put them up on eBay. But I hope to see you more.

Absolutely, man. Yeah, man. Use you on some dates this year. You get into that place. I watched Becky grow. Like, motherfucker a couple weeks ago. Oh, yeah.

The other girl. Allie? Allie was fucking it on. Funny as funny. And you see this. You knew these people when they were really young. The same time when I see Kim Condom

and she's having a great time killing. I know I fuck him when she was a kid yelling at people. You know, fucking. It's just amazing. Watching Lee, be in fucking Texas for six nights. you know, five nights in a row, you know, you started in Austin fucking around with me a couple years ago, right?

Yeah, it was the first, that's the first time. This motherfucker, I call him, he goes, Lee, we go, I'm thinking I go off of Chinese food. I go, Lee, have you seen any Chinese people in Austin? Yeah, yeah, but that's all you could eat, all you could eat buffet. I saved his life. He doesn't know how fucking lucky is. It was before Uber. No.

Yeah. How were you getting that? A cab. I took a cab to barbecue. I thought it was Bobby Sharon was driving. No, Bobby Sharon did take me up, but that was before Uber. I went and I took a cab. They had a barbecue place and a gas station that I went.

It was like a little chain sort of thing. I remember that was. But that barbecue was good. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it was very good. I told you a long time. Well, listen, you want to go and be online and take Instagram. You want to go to a big place?

Yeah, it's great. But bad barbecue in Texas is better anything you're going to get on Route 3. Oh, yeah. I ain't shit in New York City. Where this shit. Get the fuck out of here. You got a mustache and a fucking six-pack. I did go.

We went to Terry Blacks, and then we went, and then I brought, I got a cooler at Buckees, and I took, I brought some of the sausages home, some of the jalapeno cheddar sausages. And you didn't bring those for George. All the soft is he brings you. And then, and then I did, we went to Franklin's, that place, but it was raining, so there was no line.

So we got a bunch of, Franklin was good, too. Yeah. I told you. It's like, you know, you go stand out line and be chic. And there was no line that day. Well, go look. Let's go.

Let me show you how you cook the meats. Listen, not this time. You know what I came here to eat? My knee hurts. I got time. They're going to replace my hip. I'm doing that. You got any dates coming up, gentlemen?

Yeah. Just follow my Instagram. I'm mostly Cuban. You'll see everything on there. The website, yeah. Yeah, follow me on Twitch and mostly Cuban as well. That's what everything there. No solidated website.

Pedro Garcia, not. Actor, musician, only on Sundays. Not model. Maybe, yeah, we'll see. But yeah, just follow me in mostly Cuban and everything on Twitch. What about you, my little brother? Where are you at this week? Pedro will be on my show at St. Marks on July 30th.

Yep, at a bucket show. And this week, I'm in New York City. I'm in New Rochelle, Upper East Side Comedy Club, And then Saturday, first time at Stand Up, New York. All right. I love you, brother. No way. Thank you for coming.

You got Atlantic City coming up. That's on the 7th and 8th, but August 5th in Brooklyn. That's my last hurrah. The next two weeks, it'll be crazy because next week, I don't know what I'm going to be able to do this week. You know, they do have a room in Dewey Beach. They do comedy, but on Tuesdays, maybe I'll call them up. Let's see. Let's see how these people are.

Pop-up's work. We've got DJ Khalid to come and bring his friends. I really want to try a pop-up. Okay. Like 5 in the afternoon in the city. Okay. Get somebody, we'll pay somebody 50 bucks to play a guitar and open for us. We'll go on another tent and whatever happens.

We'll get one of those portable fucking, we'll borrow from somebody. One of these has a nice. George has one. All right. George has that. We got the mic stand. We got the computer. We got the camera.

Come on. Who's better than us? Nobody. August 5th, motherfucking... Brooklyn Improv. Brooklyn Improv. And then I got the 7th and 8th in Atlantic City at Ocean's Casino.

Tickets are going. So jump on them, especially Saturday night. And that's it, guys. I'm excited. We're all good. Everybody's healthy. Right? Yeah.

You got comedy work. Yes, sir. You got comedy work. I got all you motherfuckers. So I love you. Stay black. And we'll see you next week. Tip.

Top Magoo.