The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Hanging around like a vampire

Episode Date: November 5, 2024

This week on The Check In we learn that Joey Diaz has a clean license and doesn't care anymore, is monitoring his stress and will walk away from people who stress him out, Joey talks about his disappointing trip to the 76ers game and much more! Support the show and download the DraftKings PickSix app. New customers play $5 & get $50 in Pick 6 credits with promo code JOEY.

What's going on there, Trump breath? I don't know which one is worse. I don't know whose breath is. It's not if we fuck politics. Which one's breath stinks worse? Hey, he stuck his muffler. He stuck his tongue up muffler, stormy's muffler. So it can't be that bad.

He ain't got no cavities. Maybe you'll got a brown tooth. You know what I'm saying? I was going to say, I was going to make it smell worse. When you're like 40 and you get a lot of ass, you get like a little brown tooth over here. and people know this motherfucker is dangerous. Forget about Blade. This guy's going to heat, Jack.

It's election. And I ain't voting. I ain't going near those fucking places today. I'm going to stay home by my business. I got a couple little things to do. And that's it. I don't blame. Like, what does it feel like watching all this stuff

and you can't, like, would you vote if you could? Like, what is it like knowing you can't vote? Honest to God, man. I don't want to be responsible. So I don't vote. People are you got to pick a side. You know, I'm lost here. So that doesn't matter.

The funniest guy, this election has been very funny, and it's going to be dirty tomorrow. And there's going to be consequences, you know. But there's two things that stick out. I went to a basketball thing the other. My daughter and the parents, and they were talking, you really can't tell people who you're voting for anymore. People will argue with you and fight with you,

especially in these political times. Like, everybody's a fucking politician. What the fuck is that about? Like, if I vote, I'm going to tell people, listen, bitch, this is why vote. And, you know, I thought about it. But in this election, you can't even pick a side, really. You know, people are losing shit.

shit if they mentioned Trump. It's insane. It really fucking insane. I did a midnight show on Saturday. And the comic after me, it was like 15 people in the crowd. But the comic after me did a

political joke. One group liked one side. And then someone else, like a heckler couldn't believe that they liked that person. So like there was like an argument going on in the audience because someone liked

a specific and it doesn't matter what's that it happens on but it happened in an audience and it's really sad I just that's why I stray from it because all my life I've strayed I knew my mother owning a bar there was no religion and no politics that shit gets people

riled the fuck up so you stay away from it I've stayed away from it on stage I'm not going to go up there right now in these times and mention a fucking voting box. No. Because that's what they're listening for. No, and I don't want to,

but it's just really funny. And then like, RFK, that motherfucker did more Coke than me. He did that Kennedy Coke. That motherfucker can't even talk anymore. He couldn't even part in his birthday and shit. You know what I'm saying? He's got to put a fan behind his head to blow out a fucking candle. I am in charge of vitamins. Listen, what kind of vitamins are you talking to me?

You know, enough. I mean, I'm just, it is, the other guy looks like a fucking pedophile, you know, walls. Oh. That dude definitely was in a fucking parked bathroom looking out to creep, whack it off one time. Or in a tree with fucking, you know,

with a leather jacket dressed up, you know, with fucking peanut butter in one pocket and peanut M&Ms in the other in case, well, peanut butter in one. and Eminem's in the other case they're allergic, you know. Those are professional profiles. They show up with a peanut treat and then a non-pean treat because they don't want you to get allergic and die or whatever the fuck it is that happens to you, which is nothing.

YouTube's going to love this one. Can you imagine? I think we've gone after every candidate. Listen, I didn't go up to anybody because I ain't voting. I'm just telling you what I see in a comedic sense. You know, like when I look at it, I'm like, what's going on? Yeah, you know, Kennedy's, the original guy

looked like a fucking stud. Nixon looked like a stud, you know, whatever his name is, he was fucking slinging dick when he was in the president playing the saxophone. He came on the chick's dress. That dude looked like a stud. And then you got these fucking guys that look like they can't blow out a birthday candle.

They fucking, you know. So that dude did. tons of fucking Coke. I forgive them for it. I don't even give a fuck. I'm just saying that. You know, don't show. It's like me showing up now with fucking, you know, a bag of apples.

Listen, it's too late for that. You had your chance. It's like that 40-year-old that shows up with the Pittsburgh Steeler shirt, you know, and you're like, listen, come here. Let me talk to you about something. You're in no danger. Put the shirt away. You ever see that? Like older guys with like jerseys, like, or they play softball. And they'll tell you.

Three for four today. Guy, come here. Give it up. Okay? Lighten up. You went three for four. You play against a bunch of fucking softball guys. You're drinking.

You take it seriously. This is for fun. What are you going to call the Mets? Dude, what do you think about the guys who, like, when they're going, who they're like, they aren't bicycles, but they have, like, the full, like, the skin-tight suit and the helmet. And they're just riding. around the suburbs.

One man under God, if nobody was watching, I'd hit one of those guys just for GP. Because they'll always drive you crazy. Right. There's 10 of them. They're tough. Ten bike rides, not supposed to be scared. They look at you when you pass by.

Fuck you, and they throw water at you. Listen, what's come in a year to turn and hit all the you set on? And let's see what type of party this is. What are you doing to them? Why are they throwing water at you? Because you speed by it. You can only do miles an hour for so long before you go, beep, beep, you know, move over to the fucking bike lane or riding the grass. I don't know what you need to do.

You know, you're going to fucking, listen, I have these back roads here. Okay? Okay. Like, I have Route 18, and I fucking do 80 on that. And the other nine is every man for himself. they just fucking a nine. But every once in a while,

you know what, let me take a side road. And dog, those are the worst ideas you could have because I swear to God, there's a road that I have to hit. And every time I hit that road, you're like eight minutes from the house.

You got to pee, you got a shit, you got to scratch your ass, you got a bong hit. But there's always that dude that, you know, sees you come and you're doing 90. but he wants to go to the speed limit and look out for fucking...

Yeah, and I'm like, guy, I'll blow right the full. Last night I blew past the guy, he chased me. Couldn't chase me. He couldn't fucking find me after that. I saw him spinning around the 18 and shit back and forth. I forget his license plate was like dick or something like that. Get the fuck, I ain't waiting. I'm 61. I'm not playing your fucking game.

I'm going to beep at you very politely, and if you don't pull over, I'm going to go around you. I don't care whether it's a double yellow, a double white. Those days ended. I got a clean license. What am I sitting here? Take a bunch of these fucking people. There's fucking abuse from these people doing the speed limit or under the speed limit.

Those people have always driven me crazy. And I thought they were only in California, but they're here too. And they're double here. They leave gaps in between them people cut them off. And you're like, what are you doing? why is there a gap between you and that car? We got to hit the green fucking light here. Why are you in such a world?

You want everyone to be right on top of everybody? Go, the light is green. The best is the light is green, and you're going to let this guy cut in from the fucking driveway. Oh, no, you can't let them. All the way to the left. Why? Your light is green.

Don't be a fucking priest. You don't need to be Johnny nice guy. Tell him wait when his turn. You ain't left to cut all the way over that because then he's going to hold me at the fucking light. Fuck him. Listen, when I'm the first car at a green light that makes a left, I shoot out of there like a bad out of hell.

You know what? Because I'm thinking about the guy behind me. I ain't got time to dilly dally. If that light goes off and you make a left, and then I decide, oh, green light, there's a gap. There's a huge fucking gap. I don't want no fucking gaps on those lights. It does piss you off.

It has. It pissing me off. when they're taking it left and then there's like a second or two between each car and they should, we could get so many more cars. Think about the guy behind you. There's like 60 year old that needs to piss like a fucking racehorse and you want to

dilly dally and look at your phone or try to figure out how to do the self-driving on the Tesla. You know, a couple days ago I passed by a Tesla. This chick was doing like 16. She had her feet up. She had the computer out. I'm like, no, she didn't. Did she really?

crazy. And she was on the fucking phone. Driving. And I'm like, wow. Wow. Like, these people need to get hit one time. Like, side swiped. And the computer cuts their fucking titty off or something so they'll never do that shit again.

Why would you, you know, I don't understand. You lost me a little bit on the getting when titty cut off. Who knows? The computer gets hit this way. You go this way. And the computer sticking up and it stabs you in the tit. Now you've got to walk around like Angelina Jolie with this car on your right tit.

And do you remember, like, when you made the decision that you were just going to start, like, that's the funniest thing ever. You have a clean license. So you're just what you have one to give. So it's like, when did you make that decision that you're just going to pass people? You're going to do whatever you want? Once I hit 60. It's all over.

I end the right. I hit 60. You know what the chances are hitting 60 in today's world? Once I hit 60, I said, listen, I ain't got time to fuck around with these people. I really don't. I got a stress monitor on my fucking whoop now. If I look at my stress monitor, it's like medium, I just walk away. There's no, you just, yeah, I ain't got time for this shit.

I'm 60. I want my conversation to be fucking no stress, like low stress. If I look at that stress meeting and I see medium or high, a river dirty, I ain't talking to you. That's part of my mental health program. You know what I'm saying? Have you started walking away from people? Oh, all the time now.

I don't have time for this shit. You're depressed. I just told you two minutes. I just told you to fucking where the fucking thing was two minutes ago. Now you want to come back and tell me a story. Uh-oh. Stress is on media. Gotta go.

He got time for the shit. And where do you go? Like, I... Back to me. fucking to run the light. I don't fucking know. Listen, if I'm on the phone and you're stressing me out, it's over. I got to go. I'll hang up while you're going, listen, wait, but they make... I just don't do it no more.

There's a guy that wants me to start a weed company with him. I don't ever want to start a weak company again. And I told him, he hits me up every month, and I fucking torture him. Meet me, give me a sample, this ain't enough. You know, I need to know, you know, he always tortures me. I need to know tomorrow. So I'll call him and when he hangs open, answers or hang up on him. And then he'll keep calling me back.

And I'm like, fuck it, I'm on to the next savage. I'm already on the phone with you. He's beeping, beep, beep, trying to call back. And I'm thinking I'm going to sign on. He won't hear from me for days. And then we start the process all over again, like two weeks later. Hey, I got a new edible. You want to try?

Yeah, sure. And then I torture him about the edible. And then I tell him, this is the time for me to sign on. And then two days later, I give him the same treatment. I call him. He don't answer. And then he calls me 18 times. Like, where are you?

Where are you? Pick up the phone. Listen, I ain't picking up this phone until next Tuesday. All right. So leave me to fuck alone. I'm in a different level leave. Forget it. After my little mental health breakdown when I moved here, I figured out it was fucking people and listening to their shit.

and I'm done. I'm too old. I'm going to sit here. My brother, he fucking fell off the... Listen, again, what's it got to do with me? You want 100 for the card, for the cast, or whatever? But if you're going to give me an ear-beaten, enough, I don't need it no more. I'm running out of time. My battery is my ear running out of time. Any day now I'll go deaf.

And I don't want to go deaf listening to these fucking baboons. Talk to me about shit that I don't even want to know about. I appreciate it. I wish you, God, like I said it before, so you turned 50, but we start saying crazy shit like that. Well, I start saying that someday I'm going to die, but at the same fucking, it's true. Your time is fucking limited now.

When you're 20, you can talk to everybody. Oh, you're Aunt Scott lymphobah. Let's talk. You may suck my dick, you may not, but taking the earbeat. But now, I don't want my dick sucked. why am I talking to you? Why are you giving me an ear beating?

I don't want to do these things. You know, why do you keep tormenting me? Hey, Saturday, me and my buddies are getting together. We love to have, yeah, sure. Great. I'm going to be there a fucking ape in a zoo. People are touching me? Are you really a comedian?

Do you really know Joe Rogan? How was Adam Sandler? Yeah, listen, leave me alone. Go bother somebody. Go fucking, no, I'm not doing it. I had to tell my buddy a 40 years a couple weeks because he called me once a month. Hey, we're getting together a bunch of guys.

They're going to have play poker. First of all, I'm really busy on Saturdays or something. But I'm not to stop my softball game with my daughter or end her fun because I got to go sit with a bunch of goons touching me and fucking, you know. And at the end of the day, can we take a picture? Can you call? My son's in a wheelchair. Why don't you call?

Listen, what am I going to do? Make them walk? You know What I do? What am I? Jesus? I'm going to hit him in the head He's going to be playing back

Four two minutes later. When you sit there, What the fuck? And so you just avoid it? I just, I look at the whoop. And if it tells me Keep walking,

keep walking. Even when I watch like a stupid game or something, I'll look at the hoop. I didn't even bet the game. Why am I get? Get the fuck out of here. I'll put something soft on

like fucking something on Netflix people, two girls falling in love or some shit. I've noticed, like, you seem less, I don't know, like, you seem more at peace than you have before I'll put it like that. Talk, I had to figure out what the fuck was going on with LA, I mean, your career's doing great,

you have a fun podcast, and, you know, it was just, and I couldn't figure it out. And it really fucked It me I really had to study it You know That's when I went with better help And the girl gave me little exercises

And she's like this is what you gotta avoid man Just avoid it You don't want to be involved in anyway So why are you talking about it? Why are they up to you? No No You know I just don't want to do that shit

And that's it I had to make up my mind When we were living in LA I didn't say no to nothing Right And before I met my wife I didn't say no to anything. And my wife told me one day, she's like, you got to knock this shit off.

Like in 2004, and like a year later, I got the longest shot. You're wasting time. You're spinning your fucking wheels. These people, you know, everybody's got a dream. You got to figure it out on your own. I can't help you figure out your fucking dream.

And then you put a guilt trip on me. Oh, you did a movie. How do I get into a movie? You got to be special. Stop fucking my balls. I'm a fucking felon. I got a fucking felon. fucking high school diploma.

Yeah, I'm a bum. I was telling my wife a couple weeks ago about how insane it is that I got them to put me in a movie. Why do you think that's insane? It really is insane. Every time I booked a big movie, I would sit there and just giggle. Because these bastards have no idea. Like, they just have no idea.

I know that there's people that take actors. seriously and they started when they were 12 and they were also a magician and they played the band and they worked their whole life and they audition and then a guy like me comes along basically stand up and a couple acting classes in the life

and I'm not in a film I'm in a major studio film whether it's Spider-Man 2 the longest yard taxi basketball the one I did with the soprano people the one I did with Rocky Balboa

they sucked, but they're still big time movies. But what about like, the reason why, like, I disagreed was like, I'm not trying to suck your dick, but like the $100 day movies you did before. You didn't just open up with, I know basketball was early on, but you didn't

open up with all great movies. No, I opened up with. That's the first thing I opened up with. Well, baseball, yeah, I was going to, that was. Oh, commercial. Okay, that's the first thing I opened up with. And I was like, what the fuck? And then I couldn't book.

And then I worked hard. I remember I went on the road for like a year and a half. I came back at Mad TV. And Mad TV really gave me a push. It didn't sell no tickets. But everybody in the industry watches Mad TV. Right. And at least they gave you some validity.

But it's really crazy that I talk somebody to get me in a fucking movie. And I think back of like, you know, being in a try. trouble, you know, fucking around at the high school. And then I think of the guys that were actually in performing arts that were nerds with their glasses on, and now they're going to go to college and join the theater group. I didn't do any of that. So do you understand where I'm coming from, especially with my background?

I'm like, I just watched movies. I love movies as a kid. I loved watching fucking movies. So that was my thing. If I learn And you know, I got to tell you something, man There's times I'm talking to people about acting or something And they'll say something

And I go, don't you watch fucking movies? I started watching movies just to watch movies To learn their language, to get entertained. But as I was watching them, I go, That would be interesting making a movie. From the time before I went to prison, I was trying to get into the movie business. Whether as a fucking...

In fact, I'm going to lunch dinner with somebody to 16th. And he, I told you, he was a cameraman for Good Morning America for 25 fucking years. The only job he ever had. And I used to bug him. He was my CYO coach. Oh, right. And I would call him and say, how do I get in there? And he would, you know, I mean, he would like say, go away. Like, basically, come on, man. You have no acting experience. Come on.

You know. Was acting out on your radar or was it like working on them? I didn't really know. I didn't really know. I just thought the process of making a film was very interesting. It was something that always, you know, just... Listen, I could sit and watch a movie 15 times if it's good. Yeah.

I'm one of those. I could sit and watch it and study it and go, wow, that was great. How did they do that? And then I'll go on Wikipedia and I'll see how they did that. I'm a geek club. I didn't know that. Yeah, cool. gig like that, you know, like that's the shit I really like.

But the fact that I talk somebody into letting me in a movie, Lee, is just fucking great. The fact that I'm in the union for 26 years now, how the fuck did I end up in a union for 26 fucking years? Can somebody please tell me this shit? You don't think you worked hard? I didn't work. I worked at being a stand-up. If you think I was in the mirror going, me, me, me, me. I don't know about that shit.

I didn't know anything about acting until I moved. Obviously, I moved to L.A. I booked basketball and something else. And it was like I embarrassed myself. So I went to a fucking acting class. I went to like two or three of them, one really good, big one. While I was there, I'm like, I don't need this no more. you know

this is and then I started learning different things about stand-up that your timing when you're a stand-up and it's just so acting in stand-up go together it's one of the many facets from stand-up producing podcasting writing writing on a TV show

writing movies you know stand-up is the sun and all this shit drift from it and it's really that's why Michael Keaton, Andy Garcia, all these people were all part of some stand-up thing early on. Because it really opens up your door.

You know, and it's like I told you, you want to meet people, go to an acting class. That'll tell you. They'll tell you where to go. They will tell you where to go. And, like, if you were going to start with an act, because I've taken one commercial acting class, and as you're talking, that's all I was thinking is that,

I'm in New York. I need to take some sort of acting class. Like, what would you start with improv? You're in the haven of acting classes. I know. I would take a basic acting class with emphasis on cold study work because cold reading. Cold reading. I'm sorry. Okay. That's me giving you a piece of paper, giving you two minutes and going to read what you feel in your heart.

Okay. If we get somewhere, then I'll move you on. But cold reading is very important because. it's stand-up. Cold reading is one sheet, 10 sheets, whatever the fuck they give you. And I don't know how to describe it, but you have to be good at cold reading.

Right, because you don't even, you don't get two minutes on stage, on stage something happens and you have to, like that's why I was thinking improv could be good. Nah, because you're going to be with a bunch of slumps in there doing improv, you know, you don't want to, with stand-ups. It's awesome.

A wall and a microphone. Right. Don't ever get that wrong. Improb people got to go up there with 28 people. I don't want to do that. Right. No, yeah. That's not what I want to do.

Me, the mic and the fucking brick wall against you, cuck, sucker. And we use all those elements. Right. The brick wall, the microphone, us, the hands. So that's what I dig. It's that simple. Okay. You know, and cold reading workshops are usually a weekend.

Okay. Everything on a Saturday cost you $65, $100. You know, look out for really good. If you like a movie, right? Really, I enjoy a movie. You go, oh, that guy was great. At the end, look who the casting director was. Okay.

And Google the cast director. A lot of times those people do, those workshops. All of the actual casting directors will do like workshops you can go to? It's a hundred bucks but it's a hundred bucks well spent because you're going to do everything by the number from the minute you walk in

to the minute you leave. You're going to act correctly. You're going to dress correctly. You're not going to have cocaine on your breath because these people are put your films. So I took an advantage of chubbick one but the best one I ever took was Christian Kaplan. He's in L.A. He was the head of Fox. And he

He taught a fucking cold reading class. So I paid the whatever on a Saturday. A little gay guy, cool as shit, moving the motherfucker. And I read from him, and he kept saying, Joey, come back and read something different. You know, and I could tell, all right. And a month later, this motherfucker calls me, calls my agent, and says he wants me to read for taxi. No way. Okay, now

The funny part of the story is on the way there I got a call from Bobby Slate Okay, it's a comic Yeah, and he would always like braggadocio My brother, I love Bobby But he would go, he goes What are you doing? And I go, I'm going to read for taxi

He goes, I just booked the role Last night, I had dinner with the director I'm going to do some role I don't know when he asked me who I was reading for And I didn't say nothing to I guess at dinner, the director told him he had it, but he never told nobody else. Oh, no. So Christian Kaplan read me and goes, this is the guy.

And the director agreed. And two days later, I got a call from Bobby Slayton going, Motherfucker, you took my role. Oh, Jesus Christ. How good does that feel? Huh? I said, how good did that feel? I know. I know you love Bobby, but...

But that's what I tell people all the time. Fuck you and your dinners. Fuck you in your dinners. Fuck you. That your friend, your sister's friend. Everybody's got a hookup. The best hookup you got is what comes out of your mouth in that stage and what comes out of your mouth

when you go to an audition. That's the hookup right there. You want to fucking be seen, do a good read. You want to fucking... And they're scams. I'm the king of scams. Like, I knew... If I read for Christian, eventually he put me in something.

I just knew. I did another acting thing with, I forget, the guy who cast Godfather, too. And that was great, but he never called me in for nothing. But I never really got to work with him like one-on-one like that, you know. I probably shouldn't start with those, though, right? Like, I should start with some introductions and, like, because I've never done anything. Entrater acting, brother. Okay.

Listen to what the teacher has to say. Take points from it. You know, like in your mind, in your mind, you go, I'm not ever going to act or I'm never going to need this. Yes, you are. Eventually, someday you're going to need it. And some of the shit in there pertains to stand up. Yeah, there has to be a lot. I wonder they, and they must have, like, I would love if they had a class on, like, act outs.

Actouts. Like, you know, like, facial expressions, like stuff like that. I don't really do any of that. Let's just go to acting class, all right? Huh? Just go to acting class. I am going to acting class. Listen, cold reading is also,

what I would get a cold reading sheet, two, three sheet, okay? It's a scene. Basically, it's a fucking scene. When you first get that scene, it's like a stand-up set, right? You just wrote it out,

and then you perform it that night, and you come home that night, you look at the stand-up set, and while you're on stage, you'll do different things. Like, you know, I love Chinese people. I go to acupuncture. I love Bruce Lee. The only thing I don't like is with Chinese people play poker

when they watch me when I'm playing blackjack and just do that face. You know, that's something you're going to get. The more you fucking read that. That's why when I get a cold reading sheet, I read it sober. Dead sold by really twice. And then it's time to go smoke a number.

And then you come back and you look at it again. And that's when you add the flavor. That's when you put the fucking the marks, the beats in. That's when you go, I'm going to change this word because I already say it here. I'm going to pay attention and do something completely different. And then you have that settled. That's your fucking masterpiece. But what happens if they call you back to producers?

You got to top that. You got to top that. with the same lines or whatever so you keep reading it reading it reading it by the time you get the producer session they're going to give you that and two other scenes but you're going to read this one first because you know it you're rocking with it and after a while it's the more you do the more you do a bit the more you add life to it right okay you write the story you color it in you do it and then go oh i got to write this in i remember still doing that The first storyteller show for Ari.

Me, Mark Marin, in the back of the improv, there was maybe 16 people there, and I decided to tell a story about Pink Floyd with Joe Foucaraccio. I told that story 20 times, but it had been like a year or two since I told it. I never told it on stage, is what I'm trying to say. Oh, wow. When I told it on stage that night,

two days later, somebody sent me the tape, I had added so many elements. You slow it down and you sell it. Interesting. I don't really even tell stories at all, but I've seen it with bits, but with a story, especially your stories.

Even with a bit, you're selling it. Right. You're still in a fucking bit. So you always be selling. ABC Cocksucker. I want to talk to you, Coxuckers, about Draft Kings real quick.

Let's take a breather. And we'll be right back. Tip-top, Magoo. What's happened, you savages? It's November the fourth election day. And as usual, Draft King's got something for you. You ready for this? Don't worry about the Thanksgiving Turkey.

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You got football. You got college football. You got basketball. You got pro basketball. By the way, Lee, I love basketball. You know? Oh, yeah. I love watching live basketball.

I love watching baseball, football. Football is just too cold. It's got to be on the Lord's Day. It's got to be fucking 90 degrees. You're sitting out there. I went to my, you know, a thousand basketball game with my family on Saturday night. Oh, yeah.

We got the tickets about two weeks ago. We were fired up, you know, good tickets. The drive down there was, Couldn't have been easier. Where we parked and walking into the building, couldn't have been easier. The cheese steaks, fucking delicious. The French fry, and you don't eat for a, bro,

fucking delicious. I had a great time. I did like ten bong hits. I did some edibles. I fucking sat there. I didn't say nothing to nobody. I took a mushroom breadstrip. I had like two of them with.

And I'm watching this game now. I'm having a great time with the people. behind me the people to the side of me there were two little fags in front of me that I think their girlfriends got them tickets and they were both like you know talking and whatever the fuck they were doing talking about how to solve the world's problems it was basically one of the worst fucking games I've ever watched in my life Memphis who I love I love John Moran they are so bad And it felt like John Morant didn't want to score.

Like he was scared to score. I'm like, what the fucking... He had like 18 points, maybe 14 points. And then on the Sixth side, they were so fucking bad. And me and my daughter love Maxi. We go, we went for the Maxi matchup against John. Maybe they cover each other, whatever.

I mean, the Sixth were so fucking bad. And here's the funny thing. And Bede said in the beginning, of the season, he's going to play every other game to save himself for the playoffs. And that kind of bummed me out. And I'm watching that night. He's there. And to watch your team get killed like this without saying, you know what, give me my

fucking shoes. Like, uh, what's his name in the longest yard? Give me my fucking shoes. I'm going back in. You know, we left with eight minutes left in the fourth court. Again, I love the whole. Wow. Was that bad?

Yeah, I love it. And that was eight minutes too long. Like we should have. People were walking out in the third quarter at the end of the third quarter of Exodus. I just wanted, I was with my daughter. I didn't want to live, I'm not waiting to the end to leave with all those savages. But let's go. And we got up at eight minutes and walked out of there like nothing happened.

Got in the car and came home. We all on the way home. My daughter and I go to a bunch of, we saw the Celtics, we saw the Knicks. We go to Phillyette twice a year to watch fucking games. and basically this was and I don't know what's going on with basketball because again I'm a big fan of basketball

I'm a big fan of Kyrie Irving I put Dallas on a few weeks ago and it was unwatchable basketball or football basketball I was watching we're talking about fucking basketball okay just you're making sure I watched the Knicks on Friday night

at my friend's house I didn't really want to watch the Knicks, but the mushrooms are starting to kick in. I didn't want to stay in the area, so I was in the back, just making believe I'm watching this Knick game. And I'm going, what the fuck is this? And I watch somebody out.

Oh, I watch Cleveland play. Is it Cleveland? Yeah. They're on fire lately. And they looked okay. But everybody else looks like, the Knicks look like dog shit. Dog shit.

It's, they traded that white dude. They traded Brandel. you know what man I'll stay to watching at home I ain't fucking pain and it broke my heart and what nobody's what did mercy think about it listen she was saying you suck so for her it was great I said mercy what are you saying she goes I'm in Philly dad you're right you got a point there and say you suck with Philly and people like all right yeah he does suck that's amazing she was having a great time everybody every time they the shot, a foul shot, she would get up and go boo and yell

and do a bunch of shit with the rest of the lunatics over there. Listen, that's great. For me, I had a good time. Right, but the game sucked. I don't know what happened in basketball. It's just the money, the fucking something. Nobody rebounds. That shit drives me crazy.

that a guy that's seven-footers shooting dirty footers and there's nobody underneath. Like they just, all right, he missed. That's a fucking offensive threat right there. I was born on the rebound. You know what I'm saying? How do you just look at it? Like, okay, we'll give the rebound up.

Fuck, no. Get in there. That's why I told Mercy when she plays. I go, there's 10 points a game under the basket. Just hanging around like a vampire. There's 10. There's 10 points. Yeah, you're hanging out like a vampire.

Yeah, you're hanging out like a vampire, looking around, breathing on people, you know. And what? And just grabbing rebounds? Yeah, you grab an offensive rebounds. At least challenged them. But you can't shoot a 35-footer. I'm going to kill somebody.

I'm going to kill somebody. you know, you can't put a 35 fuller in and fuck in that. Yeah, anything after, like, I don't know what the distance is, but everybody's shooting these bombs. Yeah, they say, it sucks. It's boring to watch. And this is coming from a Celtics fan who we won last year because of all threes. But it's boring to watch.

It's boring to watch. And I'm younger. So, like, when the Celtics had Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, and Kevin Garnett, those few years, like that was when it was fun. Like they had a, and I don't know anything about basketball, but they had the main guys who were like, you know, they do a bunch of like two-point shots and like going for like the for dunks and layups. But then Ray, we had Ray Allen who was the three-point.

We had one three-point shooter on each team. And now every person's shooting. Why are the center shooting threes? I know. I just want you to go in and bang it and you want to see some people get bit. All the sixes underneath were god awful. And all three players underneath were god awful. Even my daughter said,

Dad, they can't get a rebound. It was just, it was sad because I enjoy it, brother. I enjoy that. Listen, I don't go to the nick because it's too much parking and walking and fucking moving around, this goddamn thing here. Sorry, but I like my shit easy. That night had options. I could have gone to Brooklyn to see Iron Maiden in a box with the Florentine crime family.

But I already had tickets for Philly. But I would have gone up there just to see, you know, listen, I want to see Iron Maiden. Like, I want to see a fucking, you know, about fucking midgets or something. But go up there, drink a couple cocktails, maybe eat a sandwich in the box. Right, the box is fun. I want to go with the girls. I like going to Philly. That's my family thing with them.

and it's easy for me. It's not like going to great adventure. I got to walk 18 miles for nothing to get a shitty piece of ice cream and be surrounded with people smoking dope around kids. I hate all that shit. But this is safe for me. I can walk in.

Usually I buy a t-shirt or two. She bought the popcorn. Even the popcorn was good in Philly. They put salt on it. I forgot to put salt on popcorn. What is this? Put some salt on that motherfucker. It tastes like the Eucharist.

It's like going to a Jew's house for Passover. They give me those taste of it. this fucking crackers that you got to make believe you enjoy. Like, Mom, you got to put a piece of hand. Put a piece of it. Yeah, put some ham on this motherfucker. Only hamong, I'll say that. Mahamong.

Mahamong, like it's heart face. God damn it. So you're not going to Florida this week now. Oh, you are? No, I'm going to floor. I'm going to Florida. I'm going to Tampa, side splitters. I'm going to be there the seventh or through the ninth.

Are you headlining? No, I'm featuring. Who's headlighting? Ian Vydance. Very, very funny. Very funny guy. And what are you going to do on Wednesday? He was going to hang out with Steve.

I'm going to hang out with Simone. We're going to eat Italian food. Mickey Mouseville? And find something to do. I'll do comedy somewhere. Fucking Orlando. You know what, man? It was interesting.

Nice club. It hasn't been the same. You know what I'm saying? The Pulse. No. I don't know what club. A blood club? The Pulse snake? Is that what you said? Remember there was a shooting at a gay club three years ago?

The Pulse? Oh, yeah. Oh, good. No, and it's never been the same since. I mean, the whole town is haunted now. You hear, ooh, you're like a little gay ghost and shit. Nobody wants to deal with that stuff. You know what I'm saying? So even the people of Mickey Mouseville come back and go, I had a gay ghost in my room.

I don't know what happened. He's a joke, Lee. These are jokes. You're looking around. What is he talking about? I love, but you go, I'm kind of hard. No, I'm fine. I was excited.

It was just, you know, it wasn't the right. I was going to talk to you about that because, like, do you, making a decision on, like, an emotion. Like, do, like, and not and learning to like to maybe like trust your gut or I don't know like did you ever make a decision like you regretted like it just like when you're angry you're

really happier every goddamn day yeah again we're talking we're talking about mental house I had to change everything because I don't like waking up to pee at three in the morning and thinking about something. And in those days, I would get up to pee at two, three in the morning and know someone I'd go, why did I take that weekend? Why? And I would curse myself and I kept doing it. It was the ones and it was the ones when they caught you at a weird time.

Because I've got to keep asking. Do you want that week? Do you want? It was like when I did the last year of the pandemic before the pandemic. happened. I had dates in New York, Boston, do you remember that, and San Francisco. For some fucking reason,

I decided to do Miami in the middle of all this. And that's when that movie called me. And they were like, we want you in New York on the fort. And I'm like, that's not going to happen. That's not going to happen. I'm already tied up in a love triangle here. I got Boston. I got the Connecticut Club.

And we had town hall. And I'm like, I'm not going to fucking go. That Miami, that killed me. That killed me. Because I was already, I had a lot on my plate. Just that one weekend, well, in retrospect, it was the weekend I dosed Tom. That was the weekend I fucking killed Tom.

And we had to pull open in Waco, Texas. We got to give them a ton of water and fucking IVs and whatever the fuck it was. And we landed at 6 in the morning and at lunchtime here, or already called me. He's like, what was in that? I'm still high. Go to bed, Doug. About this shit. That's the only good positive

from that. And that's what I was doing a lot of. I was making a lot of mistakes that were keeping me up at night. Now I got rules. First of all, don't ever take a booking on a Friday. If they call you a booking, it's because you're on the road and you really don't know what's going on.

You're doing your favorite thing in the world. So they're going to catch you you had a good set and you're going to go, yeah. And they're going to get off the phone and go, what the fuck did I just do? That's a connecting flight to Michigan. That's a whole thing. You know, and that's the things you do.

That's why I told you how I wrote a thing about every weekend I went to, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, North Carolina. I wrote my own review. They write a review on what I did. I write a review on how they did, how I liked the room, don't eat the fucking breakfast. you know and when I get a call I go hold on one second let me look at where you put me that that that that nah pass and I did that a lot but there was a lot of times that you're

in the you look at your daughter and you think they need the money and da-da-da I'm old school I don't want to sit there broke and think that I turned down that gig you offered me for a thousand bucks right I would be in that position and go fuck I should have taken that grand deal now I got nothing. And that's why when that mentality was going on, I was just trying to put enough in the bank because you don't know when this is going to end. You don't know when

Matt Ripe is going to come on. Everybody buys Matt Rife tickets and there you are with tour shirts and shit, and you're like, now I'm dead. You know? You never know. So you have to take the work. You know, at 50, remember, I hit at 50. That's completely different than most people. So for me, it was going to be an end-all-b-all. And the original plan

was to quit comedy and acting the day the Sopranos came out. I didn't want to do another movie for anybody else. I just wanted to work with David Chase. When the movie sucks so bad, I'm like, I can't retire on that. I can't fucking. So. Is it while you're still acting? Well, if you want to call it that, I mean, I haven't acted all fucking year.

Even Law & Order hasn't called me in this year. They called me in early, like in January and gave me three sets of size. Never heard from them again. Never heard from them again. But am my feelings hurt? No. We still got the podcast. I got some dates.

You know, we got a next Tuesday. We're in New York. City winery. Gold out. We got five. Philly, that sold out on November 27th, December 4th. We're in Hoboken, that sold down. They're just going to add, they're going to sell tickets starting, I think, this week.

What are you cheering about? I can go to that one now. Which one? December 4th. What were you going to be in Charlotte? Yeah. Freezing your ass off. And then I just got December 26th in Motherfucking Red Bank at the Vogel Theater. Nice, dude.

That's the day after Christmas, small, intimate. And now I'm going to decide where I want to do my monthly show at it. Either the Vogel, Hoboken, Jersey City, or City Winery. And that's it, brother. It's that he's planned. I'm still trying to raise my daughter. I'm still trying to be involved here. We got to put this office together next week.

So please order the cameras before you leave. So once we get back, this week I'm going to try to get chairs. If you see three or four chairs you like, let me know. I'm trying to get some carpeting or throw on the fucking floor, and we get that done with. You know, this is, it means a lot to me, this office. I want to get this, I've been on a Zoom for fucking two years and doing a podcast by myself for a year and a half.

It's got to end. We've got to get a studio and go back. You saw the bags of goodies I sent you today. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. That's going to be the best of my best. I'm bringing honey to the fucking office, by the way.

I'm putting a sign up. I'm getting a sign made. You dare enter this house. On you. Yeah. Lounge. You know what I'm saying? I want you to sign NADs, everything.

If you're getting dick, okay? Just like a jitza school. What's that song? Play at your own risk, motherfuckers. Play at your own risk. I'm telling you, play at your own risk. I'm laughing because there's some people like, yeah. And I'm like, that doesn't make anybody, like, that's fucking crazy.

Or play at your own risk. That's life, Jackie. Right? Right? You're not playing at your own risk. This is the whole fucking thing. We're just taking it back to play at your own risk. I'm telling you.

Yeah. It's a great space. I'm excited to see what it looks like when I finish it. We have some ideas already working on. They took you to Calhans and fucking Ari and Rob Kelly on their way to Cuba. And there's going to be like a tropical fucking storm down there forming. No, really? Yeah.

They landed today. And today they announced, listen, the lights are going back off because fucking 13 month of Zoom is coming this story. Oh, that sucks. My ear is still fucked up. I don't have a doctor's appointment. Wow. To November 18th. Why do you get to wait that long?

Who the fuck knows? Oh, but is it a good thing? Is it getting better? It's getting a little better. Taking the time. I wake up some mornings. It's bloody. It looks like a virgin that went to a fucking orgy.

You know, wore mini skirt and didn't know. She was surrounded by animals. So specific. Oh, my God. I'm having a good time with the shrooms lately. I'm not seeing the devil. I just take the shrooms to giggle and to listen to music. I go for a ride at night on one of those roads

where people do the speed limit. And man, when you're fucking tripping and you see those lights coming at you and you listen to Led Zeppelin fucking hold out of love. You're like, play at your own risk, motherfucker. You signed up for this. You know what I'm saying?

There ain't no pulling over in the Coco Express, Jack. And do you think you're not feeling it anymore? Because, like, aren't you supposed to have, like, double your, if you take it every day, like, you start with one, the next day you have to do two. Day break, like, I did something on Halloween. And then I had to take a break because I got too fucked up on Halloween, right? And then I did them again Monday night. Last night I did a couple, just to get, you know, just to start to.

See, it took two days off? Yeah, you take a couple days off and you make it back. That's not so many days to take off between mushrooms. Yeah, but then I'll eat them again tonight A couple of them And then I won't do until Friday or Saturday You take three, two to three days off Usually people take months off

Four days, you know, I smoke On those days, I take edibles You know, you gotta bounce you You gotta get more bounce for the outs, Jack You can't be doing something every fucking day So every day I switch it up a little bit I had no idea Oh

Oh That's a tremendous mushroom I'm definitely bringing honey, by the way. What's that, brother? I'm definitely bringing honey. No, there's no. No, no, no, no. The honey's coming.

These things are good. They taste like jerky. No, I don't. No, I don't. Don't worry about me. How many other people do you come in? I mean, I eat 50, right? No, no, I ate 100, and then I have,

I had a bag of gummies that I left in my car and it melted. and congealed into one, so I took a bite out of that. You didn't eat the whole thing, though. No, the whole thing is like a thousand milligrams. That's what you want. It's melt together. I'm not eating a thousand milligrams at once. I play at your own risk, cock sucker.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, let's go a level under fucking death, please. What are you talking about? A thousand milligrams in one bite. Yeah, what else you got to do? You got nowhere to go to that. You're going to watch the game. You're not leaving.

You walk around tomorrow. You're going to be running up those stairs tomorrow when they chase you. when you have me a little, I just voted. Did you vote yet? I'm not trying to start shit. I don't, I don't vote either. Okay, and you're not a felon? No.

All right. I just, honestly, it's not for either. I think they're both terrible. I just, I don't like either of them. All right. At least you're honest. It's not even them personally. I've never done it because I don't, any politician.

I think all of them are liars. Okay. as long as we're back at the same. I like some. I don't like some. The only thing I just don't want... I don't want people breaking into the fucking border every day. That's the thing I lean about the economy.

They're just bullshin you. Eggs are still going to stay high. I did get gas today. It was 40 bucks. So I was in fucking shock for some reason or another. Some hindoo got. On one of those off roads, I couldn't believe it. I filled it up.

He said, $40. I was like, this thing was dry when I pulled in the air. I mean, it was dry. So for it to be $40, I was pretty fucking fortunate. But that's what concerns me. I just don't want to, I have no hatred for Latinos. I have no hatred for anybody who wants to be a fucking American. I just want you to do it the right way.

That's it. Right. I don't get it. So we don't know who these people are coming in. bringing gangs from here. This could all be bullshit also. We, you know, but obviously some of these fucking people

have killed a couple of young girls and raped them and threw them off bridge or something. Listen, I pray every day. I'm trying to get healthy like RFK. By the way, putting a fucking fan behind your head to blow out a candle is such a fucking great image. I'm telling you, he has to

fucking have some guy next to him. When he saw him in that speech two weeks, he's going to go, go, go, go. I'd be the same way if I didn't fucking do something now. But he's built. That dude is in shape. He fucking lifts weights. He does testosterone. That dude's in great shape. So I'm not

in great shape, but I'm trying. Fuck, yeah. I'm so excited for this to be over. You know, man, I'm not really going to be over because we're just going to open up another chapter of shit this week or next week or next week. So for me, man, I'm happy that you're healthy.

I'm happy that the people who watch this show are healthy and happy, at least as happy as they could be. And fucking, we keep getting stronger every fucking day because the world ain't getting no better as much as you wanted to. It's not getting no better. So that means we got to get better. Right or wrong, Tarzan.

Absolutely. I know, I like it. And that's it. Nothing's going to change. Another what, Cog sucker? I said nothing's really going to change no matter what happens. Yeah. So at the end, we all got to go to work. We all got to pay taxes. And I do that. That's good for an American.

I'm trying to be a fucking good member of society, especially my community. You know, I'm out. I do this. Wow. These mushrooms are kicking in because your eyes look like Charles Manson right now from here. No, I'm just teasing. Happy election day to everybody. Be safe. And, you know, whatever, guys.

It's up to you. The future, you control your fucking future. So don't worry about nothing. I love you. See you next week, hopefully from an office somewhere. If not, the week after that, I love you, cuck, suck. Stay black.