The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - I ain't going out like no punk

Episode Date: January 23, 2025

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt about what led to his five day hospital stay, the scariest moment, the thought he doesn't allow himself to have and much more! Support the show and get $5 off your next Magic Spoon order at https://www.magicspoon.com/CHURCH Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew free at https://www.bluechew.com Support the show and download the DraftKings Sportsbook app. New customers can bet $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly with the code JOEY. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ

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Good to see you, buddy. Good to be here, man. I'm not going to come out here and be like Jamie Fox, you know. You're not going to dance for the first 10 minutes? No, I'm not going to dance. It was nothing fucking serious. You know, I just had some issues, but a lot of other shit went on this week. Okay.

We got a new motherfucking president. Not that I'm political, but I feel I watched the inauguration for about eight minutes, then I got bored. And then I saw all the celebrities And I'm like, oh, they fuck this shit up to You know what I'm saying? Oh my God You see Theo Von, his chair broke?

I saw that afterward on Ryan. I didn't know Theo was there. I just thought, you know, I was sitting there going up I wonder all those suckers That were going for Kamala Harris If they invited them, if they would go. They wouldn't give a fuck. They'd walk over Kamala Harris

Just to be in the spotlight. That's how those people are. They don't give a fuck. They weren't serious. Their lives are still going. Their house is burnt down. happy. You know what I'm saying?

Their lives are still going. They don't give a fuck. But it's a new week. You know, it's a new president. I can't vote. I'm a felon. I have a felon mind. But sometimes, bro,

it's like a new start for you. You hope, like that's as much as upset as a lot of people are. You got to hope that it goes well. What upset! A lot of people are really upset. I know.

Somebody told me that they're a friend that his kids were like fucking traumatized. they had to go to a psychiatrist. When I was 18, all I worried about was crabs, you know, and eating somebody with an yeast infection or something. What am I going to worry about the press? You know what I'm saying? Right.

It's so weird how priorities and politics have really eaten up into our society, something that I never saw until about 15 years ago. It wasn't like, because I think you're right. It seems like that's all, like it's all people care about. Like, it's their whole identity is being, Like, on either side, Republican, a Democratic, like, it's all they care about now. You know, I have friends that blame their lives on the party they belong to. Right.

Or the other party. And when I started hearing that, when I moved back, I couldn't fucking tolerate it. No. That just wasn't for me. But, you know, it's funny because I, you know, man, I got a good memory and shit like that. But I can't forget one year for the inauguration, which was January 20th, I was going to court that day. Like tomorrow is probably, yeah, tomorrow is like 40-something years from my first pinch. I got pinched in Fort Lee and Cliffside for possession of stolen tools.

How are you celebrating? I'm not celebrating. I'm not proud of it, but, you know, I have a lot of anniversaries in January and February. So, but one of the anniversaries was me going to wait for reconsideration. And I can't figure it out, George. I can't figure out the date because I got married 9, 989. So that means I was out. Nobody got elected in 89.

No. They might have been, they might have been sworn in in January. But there would have still been 90. No, no, no, because the election would have been 88. So January of 89. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go. I remember I was going to reconsideration to get out of fucking the halfway house.

No, to get out of prison, to get into the halfway house to shorten my sentence. And it was like a 9 o'clock fucking sentence. But when I got there, the TV was on, everybody was saluting the judge and shit. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And they're like, your trial got pushed back to 3 o'clock. I was pissed like a motherfucker. I was like, for what? They're just going to vote them in.

It's over. Yeah, they don't get a shit. two, three, and then I went in there, and he gave me a break. But by that time, I was going home anyway, so who gave a fuck? But I knew something had happened on inauguration day one year and shit. And reconsideration is like it's almost like a parole hearing? No, reconsider. When I got sentenced, he told me four to six years,

but then as I was walking in, he told my attorney to file a reconsideration notice after 90 days. That means he gets it after 120. They review it, and they could either pardon your sentence. Right. But with me, I lucked out because House, Colorado House rule 1,200, 1240, something like that. If you were a violent felon, first time offenders, nonviolent, got their sentence cut in half. Nice. So I was looking at 48 months.

I was looking at 24 months. I did one in county, and one in county counts as two estate. So all I really had to do is 22 months. You're eligible for halfway. I was at 18. Me having a high school diploma, having a job at the time of my arrest, took off months.

That's like a word problem. How do you keep track of all that? I'll never forget it. I was going to say if it's you getting out. And I know now the rules are probably even more stringent. You know, you got to have Facebook. You got to have Snapchat. I mean, that's like, that's a whole thing with politics.

It's like, and I think that's like the perfect example. stuff is changing for a lot of people Some people it's good Some people not so good But like life doesn't really change that much And like you're still All that may Like you're still in prison or you're still going to court

It's not Only the seasons change You know what I'm saying Like only the fucking seasons change And if you want your life to change You have to make a fucking move But if you're waiting around For a present to come

And send you a fucking check You got problems And you know what? And you know what, Lee? From 30 fucking years of experience, I will tell you that there's people, and we each know one. We each know a person that is waiting for the blue bird of happiness to knock on that fucking door.

Yeah. Whether it's with a lottery ticket, whether it's with, you know, you just... And I was there. I know what it's like to go, look at my debt. There's only two ways I'm getting out of that. Killing somebody, taking everything. Or hitting the number. Let's be honest.

Right. At one point in your life, when you're about 30, you're partying, you're down the shore, you're jumping up and down, you're going to Mama Mia's restaurant in New York. Everything is beautiful. At some point, you're going to look at your life and go, wow, I want to get married.

I want to buy a fucking house. I owe 90 grand in credit cards. How am I going to get out of this? And that's any American today that went through the fucking pandemic. How are you going to get out of this? So you got two words? ways. Getting a gun, right?

That always works, but that don't guarantee any, you know. Works is a little bit. You got to get the right mule, you know what I'm saying? Or fucking hitting the lottery or selling your grandmother's fucking house or something, you know. Dude, because we talked about it,

but when we left L.A., I went back and I lived with my mom for off and on for about four years. And yeah, like 30, whatever I was, it's not exactly like where I thought I was going to be. But I can't imagine if you got

in March of 2020 you lost your job and maybe you didn't get one until end of 21 early 22 ton of people you're fucked and they gave out unemployment and they gave out those loans

$400 a week that's $1,600 a month that's not fucking bad which in New York it's just enough to be fucking homeless I know but if you're fucking collecting unemployment in New York you know I don't know what to tell you

That's why every woman went on OnlyFans. I don't blame them. The broads were the smartest ones in the world. They said, you know what? It's time to show this pussy. Not really. I could show it with a silhouette. I could just show Tettys.

You know, that's it. Look how freedom to win. But I heard that Onlyfans are starting to fuck up women now. Like, I don't know they're psychologically falling apart. Some chick fucked a thousand guys in 12 hours. Did you see that? I didn't see it. I saw her picture on fucking.

fucking Twitter, and you could tell, like, you know, everybody had a paid day with her in her family tree. You know, her first fuck was her uncle and his brother. You know. If you're taking a thousand dicks in a day. Something went wrong. Something went wrong, guys. A thousand dicks.

She went into a Burger King. And the black kid's scared. She's scared. That's me. Like, some chick comes up and goes, I want to, is there something we could go so I can suck your dick? Listen. If you're asking me, it's not.

never going to happen. I got to ask you, I got to pick you up and take you on my shoulder. You know what I'm saying? But for a woman to come into a Burger King and say to you, listen, I want to suck your dick and let you on fire, I'm going to take a pass on that for right now. I'm going to finish my chicken sandwich. Because when you say it now, I'm like, oh, I would

do it. But yeah, if you're working, or I don't know if he was working or a customer, but if someone just randomly come, I'm going to think it's like a scam or like a setup or she has AIDS. I don't know if I'd do it either Yeah, there's a lot of problems there There's a lot of thinking there

Dude, I was in She got AIDS Dude I get scared about everything You eat that little monkey with age soup AIDS soup? Yeah, you'll be perfect No, I'll be dead

What are you talking about AIDS? I don't have, what? You'll never get COVID again Look at it that way You know what I'm saying? Yeah, because I'll be dead in 30 weeks AIDS soup Dog, there's a lot of men living with AIDS

Right now Yeah, Magic Johnson has a billion dollars I don't have a billion dollars Listen, trust me a lot of men living with age right now. They've come up with vitamins and minerals that'll change your fucking life. I don't want to take vitamins and minerals.

I didn't say you did. I'm just saying if you don't want COVID, you get AIDS. Dude, when I was in Texas at the end of last year, you can't watch porn. So like, and I swear to, it was the first time of my life that I signed, I paid for porn.

I signed up for only, I did three only fans. It was one of the stupidest. First of all, two of them were $3 a month. $3. And then, but they fuck you because you can't see it. So when you pay the $3, then you got to go in and pay $80 for one picture. But I think I found like the probably the best, like I love our podcast.

It's probably the best podcast in the world. It's this dude. It's this porn star and his wife who's a porn star. And they have like half an hour where they talk and they're like, hey, how did you get into porn? And then they just take their clothes off and they fuck on the podcast. That's not a bad idea. It's a pretty good podcast. But it's on the porn on the side.

It's on OnlyFans. You have to pay. I paid, like, I think it was like $20. But they're married. The porn stars, yeah, but they fuck everybody. Oh, so other people come in. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Yeah, other porn stars come in and they just, they, I got to, I didn't watch one second of the podcast. I fast forwarded right until they were naked. And then, but I can't even imagine. Holy shit. That, can you imagine, like, when we started podcasting, do you ever think there'd be like a live? couple fucking un-upon.

Not really, you know, but dog, things are going. The world is in a different fucking place. And I hear, listen, I like my computer. I've been in trouble all my life. I just want peace. Right.

You know, I get people who put me aside and tell me to go here and VPN. I won't do it. Like, I don't want to see the dark side. I've already lived it. Right. So for me to go into the dark side now, you go on VPN,

and buy guns and fucking, you know, you could buy any. That was one of the guys that Trump. And all that shit. You know, I just, I don't need that in my life right now. I don't need some guy knocking on my door and fucking my wife's upstairs. Did you try to buy fucking shoes from Russia or some shit? You know, I just don't need it.

The worst thing I've ever done on that computer is order Chinese shirts from communist country. What? Yeah, I ordered those little Cuban Chinese shirts that the Cubans used to wear. Okay, I don't know. Yeah, it's just a three button, Louis, cut over here on the sleeve, white silk. Okay. Fucking tremendous. Does it have like a communist thing on it?

No. And then you cut the buttons and you get gold initials, like a real fucking spick and you get a cigar. I'm right on air. And you're like, suck my dick. You know what I'm saying? Mama will bea pika. Oh my God. That's what Cuban.

And meanwhile, the kids are at home crying. They got no food. But this motherfucker is on Bergenland Avenue with three fucking initials blasted with diamonds. Jesus. But I tried to get those shirts, but I ordered like the biggest Chinese size. Like the biggest, like six X. Because I just want to try it. I could always order more and I could shrink it.

The six X didn't even get it on my head. Oh, no. Yeah, I still got the shirts because I don't want to. I pay like fucking 80 bucks. 80, oh, Jesus Christ. They're badass. You iron them with fucking starch. Your shit looks fresh.

You bust what? The only time Bruce Lee wore one was in Fist of Fury. Okay, any more of those. Cuban shirts? He wore one. Fuck. What do you think, like,

and I don't know how old you were in Seattle when you were dating the stripper. But if she had, if OnlyFans was around and she's like,

listen, I'm going on OnlyFans, I want you to fuck me on Only fans. Would you've done it at 30? No? You can't get that back.

Yeah, but you were broke. It doesn't matter. You can't get that back. Oh, I agree. I'm not. You can't get that back. And someday, there's just some shit

that you have to look at realistically. Mm-hmm. I already had enough skeletons in my closet, right? I got the kidnapping. I got this, that, this. You know, I, uh, I didn't want to, no, I never had any fucking doubts about doing porn.

I always thought it was disgusting. Mm-hmm. You know, listen, I do a lot of crazy shit, but there's not one woman that can look at me and go, you sent me a dick pick, or you sent me a picture of your balls. There's not one woman that can say that. Right.

I'll tell you why, because I would never do that. It's scary. Because once your dick is out there, it's out there for good. The Martians got it. You got a drone over your house. You know, once you send that picture to that girl, dog, I had a friend in LA. She was half-retarded.

She wasn't the sharpest girl in the world, but she was a sweet girl. And I knew her for like two years. She'd always talk to me at comedy shows. She wasn't a comedian. She worked for an agency. And one day she told me that she went on a date with a guy, and she started dating him, you know.

And she goes, after a while, we started having sex, but he would never bring me home. He would never bring me to his house. It was like his roommate's apartment or something, something weird. She goes, he moved away. I never heard from him again. And also I got a call one day that I was on a sex site.

No. Having sex with this guy. And she contacted attorneys. They couldn't get the video off. They were suing people. Damn. You know, this is 20 years ago, guys. I don't...

But no, that did happen now, for sure. And that shit always happens. Yeah. You know, a girl sends you a picture. You save it. You're in love with her. Then one day she blows your brother. You're going to put it on fucking YouTube.

You know what I'm saying? You're going to put it on YouTube. You're going to do something stupid. Yeah. You know? So, it's like I always said. I stole a lot of things in my life, but I never stole a car. Why? Because they got you.

I can't get out of it. You're in the fucking car. You're not running with the, bag and you let it go. You know what I'm saying? That's my mind. You're in the car. Right. That's it. You got me. There's no way you can go. All that sex shit, it's, it's, you know, and listen, I've always wanted women to be independent. Okay. I mean, let's be honest with you. If I was 24 right now and I had a great body and I looked good, I would be on only fans. Hell yeah. I wouldn't show my dick and balls. It'd be me swinging kettlebells,

rubbing fucking orange juice of myself jumping up and down to YMCA that's what I'd be doing I would be, you know if you want that there's a $15,000 and that takes that whole thing away

people won't even look at you for that but there's a lot of chicks bro there's people who buy socks and sniff socks and whack off there's people who look at your picture and bang one up for example I'm in the hospital the other day and weird science is on

anybody remember weird science except for George. Weird science has one of the hottest women of all time, Kelly LeBrock and that motherfucker. She takes a shower with those two little boys. How many times would I bang my dick out, just to the silhouette? I didn't even know what to need, what a pussy

looked like. I just imagined it was dark with a lot of hair. It's 1983. Where are you going? And then she did the woman in red. And then the woman in red, she shows her pussy. When Gene Wilder knocks on the door, she goes like this. Dog, I had that motherfucker on freeze and snowmast.

Village, banging one out. Yeah. On freeze, dog. On freeze. It's like shaking a little bit. Yeah, yeah. When you were a kid,

when we were 18, Tunley Avenue had those portal hotels. And if you went to Channel 9, you could see like a dick crooked because they were sending, you had to call the Arab. Hello.

Hello. Hello, Channel 9. You want this sex package? Yes, I do. And he would put it on and then, you know, it was even more disgusting, you know. But I've never really been,

I look at my dick and I go, ugh. But always? No, when I was 21 and 24, I'd take it out and show it to you. That's the first thing. Hello? Bam!

There you go. The Cuban Negro front and center. I can't believe you did it on stage. At the comedy store. That is ball. I'll do almost anything on stage. He was telling me to take my dick out, and I told the chick,

you know me to take my dick out, take that little monkey out. And this bitch said, done. And I couldn't go backwards after that. That's how you fail. You gave the lady your word. But in those days not everybody had a camera, a phone with a camera on it. I did that shit

before the phone with the camera. Oh, well, yeah, that makes it. But even, like, there's something weird about, I'll say anything to anybody on stage. I really will. But I don't think I take my dick out. I don't. Even if every camera was locked up, that's a, that's a baller move.

That's a lot of confidence. That was the only time I took it out, like in a hole with cock, cock, balls. Bobby Lee was going nuts. Rogan was going nuts. Chewy was going nuts. I was a Friday night at the store. Place was fucking packed.

And it was on. And I remember one time I looked at the glass and everybody was looking through the fucking glass. I'm like, God damn! This is how to rock the fucking comedy store. That's the night I got off stage and some guy comes up to me. Hello, Mr. Diaz.

I'm like, how are you doing? You know, he's like, I like to book you. And I'm like, where? And he goes, I'll have you next friend. Friday in Rotterdam, Saturday in Amsterdam, and fucking Sunday in Birmingham. You know what I'm saying? And I'm like, are you serious? He goes, I should get your passport and everything.

And I'm like, get the fuck out of it. He goes, next week. He goes, Monday, call this number. It's on Wilshire. He gave me a fucking money order for $250 or cash. He gave me something. He goes, go down there, put everything in. I'll expedite you'll be in fucking.

By Thursday, I got the Kennedy Airport. And I went The dude was Spanish or something When I started talking to him and her About Puerto Rico or some shit And the chick looked at him And they looked at each other and she said Can I talk to you for a minute?

She goes, if I process you Somewhere along the line You're gonna get stopped And they're gonna bring you back Against their terms or hold you There was a loop with my visa At the time. I didn't have a visa This guy got me one of those quick

fucking, you know, at that time a visa was 10 bucks. So if you gave him 300 bucks, they give it to you that day. It's 300 times profit. The guy goes, if I put you through there, he goes, I don't know what's going on. They're going to flag you. He goes, you're going to get through me, but I don't want you to get flagged in fucking Austria. Right. And I was like, throw this away.

And I just walked back. Damn. I took that flight from all the way. Because there's another airline up in, there's another airport and law. Island, not just Kennedy, all the way at the tip that Southwest flies out of. Oh, yeah, yeah, Islip or something? Islip. I slip.

I slip. So I had to take fucking Southwest from there. That's a tip of the other side of the earth. That's like an extra hour to that flight. Six, and I had, I think if you take that flight from Islip to fucking California, three stops. Three? I think so.

And you didn't have a phone to call the guy who booked you, I would imagine. No, I had a page in those days. That's all you need. You don't need my number. Just page me. Holy shit. It was a fucking nightmare. But hey, listen, I got out of it.

I wouldn't want to, you know, who knows, I would have been in Austria fucking doing comedy like Arnold and shit like that. You know what I'm saying? I just saw a clip today. Gary Owen, he put up, he had a story that he filed for divorce in Ohio and his wife filed in California

and he was doing a show in Florida. And his lawyer called him, It's like you got to cancel your second show. You're about to get served. And if they serve you, your divorce is going to happen in California. And it's a 50-50 state. So it's great. Like to cancel a show because that process server is going to come.

Did you ever get, no one ever fucked with the other show? Like no... Early on, when I first got into comedy, I owed every credit card. I would get to a fucking club. Like, I get the comedy works for the open mic on Tuesday. Right. And they come to me and go, oh, you got a phone call. I'm like...

fucking HBO. And it was 1,800 number. I called back to like, I had Discover a card. I'm like, holy shit. Anywhere I would go, at one point, the phone would ring from a creditor when you got there. That's how scary my life got, dog. And you weren't even putting stuff up online then.

So there was no online back then. So how did they find you? Dog, I don't know. Holy shit. I don't know. It was fucking crazy. When I first went AWOL on the cards, after I got divorced for like a year,

they didn't stop. And I didn't stop either. You know, once they started playing hardball, I started playing hardball. How do you play hardball with Visa? All of them. Discover, Amex, Visa at the time. I just started doing, you know, like,

I had those Discover checks in my draw. In the 90s, Discover sent you a card for 500, but they also wrote you a three blank checks. Right. That you could use those motherfuckers, you know, towards that. 500. Okay. So one night, that account was closed. And I just took a check and went to the bank. For

a thousand bucks, I put it in there. And the lady gave them, oh, how do you want your money? 20s. I couldn't believe she gave it to me on a Saturday night at 11 o'clock at night. Boulder was open 24 fucking hours, that bank on 30th Street. Let me tell you what else happened at that fucking bank. I took the money, I got high, I did whatever, I lived like a doctor on Sunday. Monday morning, 901, they paid me.

And they said, bring your car in. We're going to repo it, and you better have that money by 3 o'clock when the bank closes or they're going to press charges. I couldn't get the $1,000, so the lady worked out a fucking deal where the Discover loan got tagged down to my bank loan for the car. I had an ACURA at the time, an Integra. that's the same bank like in 1995

some motherfucker took one of those things they put down those cones he put down cones in all the lanes in Boulder the smartest city in the world he put lanes down and he goes

the tellers are not working leave your deposit in the box you can't believe how many people left their deposit in the box. You kind of deserve it at that point. Yeah, it's felony stupid, you know. It's following me stupid.

And dude, like, I can't even imagine what the difference is. Do you feel like, is that why you don't get stressed about stuff a lot? Because I can't imagine the stress you had back then writing fake check or whatever. And then now, like... I never wrote a fake check. I'm not a fake. You just went up on that one a little bit. I had to think on that one.

I wasn't a fake checker, but I had written, you know, checks like when you have $22 on your account. Right. And you write one for $8,000. You know, shit like that. Right. You're not even close.

Like that, but then also like the credit card debt you had. Like to have, and we were talking about it at the beginning. Like, to have debt like that, I've been, I, there were times where I was broke, but I was very lucky. The most I ever got was a couple thousand

in credit card debt. I can't imagine having $50,000. Like, I can't imagine the stress it puts on you. Talk, how many people, I mean, we have a mutual friend. What were her

student loan payments a month? Oh, shit, was like $1,000 or so? No. The Mexican. Oh, Jesus. Remember, you had a number? You were concerned or something ever happened?

It was like $1,000. It was a lot. I forget now. $1,400 a month. Jesus. The Mexican chick. Yeah, I remember. You know what I'm talking about.

Why are you here? Yeah, no, I don't remember. You know, I mean, it's 1400 is your first payment every month, before rent, before car, insurance, $1,400, to a person who's 24 years old,

25, 26, that's fucking stress, guys. But, again, her first year salary is going to be 140. Okay. But still, it was 10 years. Remember, it was a long sentence. It wasn't one of these three-year, 24-month.

No, it's like, blonde of that. 9% APR, you know what I'm saying? Remember, we had, towards the end of the LA podcast, we had someone come on, and she was brand new to L.A., and she had, like, a Mercedes for, like, 900 a month. 900 a month. 900 a month. You know, and again, you look at somebody,

and I understand, you have to have some type of image. But you know what? I'd rather eat and snort and blow and show up on a fucking scooter. You know what I'm saying? I'd rather show up with a little Chinese guy. I'm whipping them than fucking show up with that and I'm living like a fucking pauper.

I'm hiding from the landlord. And that's a lot of people will do that. I've been, listen, I was in Los Angeles for a long time and I saw so many people that had six-figure cars. And I'm like, but those people disappeared in nine months. You never saw them again. Something always happened. The mother died.

They had to go back. You know, they just disappeared. Yeah. You know, there was a lot of people that were just trying to set up shop and be big shots. They'll take their whole credit card, go buy a couple of Armani suits,

some shoes, and that's how they'll play it. They'll rent the house and tell you they own it. Right. Up in Malibu or whatever. Well, there's nothing left. I mean, I'm sorry to say that.

Now you know they're lying for sure. Yeah. But you know what I'm saying? They're walking to Hollywood Hills. Don't rent the house. It's $29,000 a month. My buddy was renting a house three blocks in me for $10,000 a month. 10,000 a month.

Nice house, but they had no furniture. You walk in there. There was a table and that's it. And a TV and a couch. 10,000 a month. If you want to pay it, they'll take your money. You can live just like Tony Montana. You can have the exact same.

same house like fucking Tony. It's amazing. You know it. You saw it. You could just move to L.A. and play the road. That's it. Avana Productions. How you doing? Joey Diaz, Avana Productions. I'm thinking of doing an eight-part series on the Spanish-American influencing. The fuck out of here. The fuck do you know?

And those motherfuckers piss me off. And I'll tell you why. Because they always fuck with people when they're most vulnerable. And that's why I've always hated those people. I've done a lot of bad shit, okay? But I don't fuck with people's talent. I know what it feels like when you're fucking not eating for three days. And some of the fucker bumps in tea and says,

I can make you a star. And you're like, really? I just want a steak sandwich. You know what I'm saying? That's all I need is a steak sandwich and a little bag of fries. Give me a fucking gram of blow. And you won't hear from me for a week.

That's all I needed. Right. You know, but there's people come up there and they fuck. I'm like, I'm going to do this for you. and then you realize like this guy's a fucking bump and it continues in L.A and it continues in New York

you're always going to bump into those people that come in with a bullshit story I used to work for this guy I want to help you and you're sitting there and you're vulnerable and you go you know what let me do some work with this guy and he takes you into a deeper hole of depression and I love it because

of you and I don't I'd like to think I'm not the most retarded person but like I was at an open mic this week and this dude was there and he had like eight jackets on a bunch of scarves and it was like hey do you want to be my documentary and the people were saying yes

and I looked at his phone he was filming it A on his phone he wasn't even on their face he was just on their shoulder like there's people who are just crazy and I think it's like we want it so bad that we're willing anything that we can do

to go viral or to like because we're vulnerable We're hungry. We want what our friends want. You know, it looks nice on paper. You know, I get this once a month on Instagram. Like, how to become famous. Like, people actually go out of their way and say it.

And I just look at it. You know that you have like those things on Instagram or people that are your friends? And every once in a while you slide it over. And it's a bunch of people you don't know. The messages? You got to read those messages. They're not good.

Those things are not good. Dude, I had this guy, and I'm sure it happens to you all the time. There was this one dude who on like every money platform was sending me like requests like on a daily basis. Like I don't know what kind of money people think I have. I'm not doing bad, but I don't have give random people money kind of money. And this dude every, like, and I asked a couple comics like who I was opening for. And like, oh yeah, I get that same guy. Like, just every day a message, like a message on a different app.

It's a crazy world of the internet. We're going to take a breather real quick. Talk to you about BetterHelp, about Draft Kings, the Super Bowl, NBA. We got it all. We'll be right back. What's happening beautiful people? Uncle Joey for Better Help. As a matter of fact, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

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Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. Four additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.com slash audio. We're back! You savages! Another interesting thing that happened this week was, and again, I don't even know why I'm bringing this. us up. I was just hoping to get a fucking

reaction out of you cock suckers. The hostages got free. Only three, but it starts with three, right? That's all that got out is three. You're my Israeli news. They got the three and then we gave them 36 soldiers or something like that. I don't know. I was

too busy with my own dilemma. So New Year's came and went. I got to be honest with you guys. You guys know me. I was excited about the holidays. this year. Honest to God. You know, I was in L.A. all those

years for the holidays. I came back here. The first year was kind of quiet. Then the next year was just us. Then the following years when I came back from Nashville and I spent it by myself. My wife was mad at me for three weeks. And then I was looking forward to this year. My nieces

were coming. You know, I was going to try to fuck them and have a great holiday. So starting like October, I was like, fuck it. it's the holiday October Starting Halloween

Yeah And I started You know Talking to Fung Factory Farms And they started Sending me Those death mushrooms

And I'm like God damn I went from eating Two stems To three To four When did you eat two stems Ah

You know And And You know Listen guys I was just Having a good time Blown off steam

I was having A great time Doing stand up You know, I was still eating a bag of dicks from time to time, but at least I was out there. It's better than me. But I had a lot of my fucking coconut. Like, I just had a lot about dates

and what I wanted to do and this, and I'm like, you know. And I have, you know, Austereas by my house, which I love that place. I could always eat a handful of mushrooms and just sit at the bar and laugh my ass off there, which I was doing a lot of nights.

You know, that's what I would do. I would just fucking grab a handful sprinkle on a pizza fucking eat the pizza I go see my little Arab friend over at the fucking pizza place and Carlos the girl I love her

she'd give me a cheese slice I put like six grams of mushroom in it and eat the pizza right in front of it she'd just shake her head and then I drive around till the mushroom hit me you know what I'm saying it's a loud fucking music

that's my world and that's what I was doing then I'd go to Astaire and giggle and then by the time I got home the house was alive at least I'd be home alive So when I got home, I made Terry get up, come on, let's go. B, blah, blah, goof around with her, make mercy come down.

So I was just in a better fucking mood, guys, you know. But if you know anything about Uncle Joey, he just went deep into the milk. I just was going deep. And I went deep straight till fucking New Year's. Straight. Like, I would take three days off the shrooms and then go two days, and they'd take four days off. But those two days, I was eating 12 or 13 or 14 grams. wasn't no hoop-de-loop motherfucker here.

Let's be honest, you have no idea how much you were eating because you were just going by handful. We just eat by sound. Because I like that euphoria when it first hits you. You know, that's what everybody likes about getting high. The euphoria, whether it's a, you know. Whatever the fuck you're doing, you're going to get fucking high. So that euphoria, you know, later on with the mushrooms,

I would take them to keep up. And it's like refo. I need that first. So let me eat 14 grams up front So I don't go that deep You know what I'm saying For those of you asking One gram is like one

I would take two to two and a half Maybe three and I'd have a real I'd be fucked up 14 grame That's a Doesn't matter What do you mean it doesn't matter? It doesn't matter all right

You know and it was like All right It's just a number motherfucker So Just a number Okay So it's just weird. Like I started feeling shitty on the third.

The third, it was the first was Thursday. Friday was the second. That third, I remember going, everything caught up with me. I was done. I hadn't been smoking. I was like, something's wrong with my chest. And then Sunday, I didn't feel good.

Then Monday I woke up sick. Tuesday I was sick. And Wednesday was Mercy's birthday. And I finally went to the doctor. and he goes, I think you should fucking go to the hospital. But they gave me a couple treatments of the albuterol, and I felt better. But it was just a band-aid.

Right. Like when I got outside, when you go outside, and the air was cold, it would just lock me up, guys. It would just lock me up. I could with anybody, you know. So that Thursday I woke up, and I was like, hmm, I could do this. And then we had a villa one. that Monday

and then the Tuesday was the open mic right and you were okayish and I was the open no no no when I because I remember at the open mic

you said like you said you weren't feeling good but you went up what's that you went up and no I got there I was closing the show so I didn't want to cancel so I went down there

but I noticed it after five minutes that I started sweating profusiously yeah you did say that after you got off stage and I did not sweat like that since my cocaine days not that I would do

Coke before I went on stage, but I would sweat. Not do coke before I went on stage. If I did Coke the night before, that night, even if I went on stage 1145, it could be freezing out, and I'd break into a sweat. And that's how you knew I was doing Coke the night before.

I always sweat in that show. So when I got on that stage, and after four or five minutes, I could feel sweat dripping down my back. There's one thing to get a little sweat over here, but when you feel it and then my breeding started getting elevated when I was up there and I had the bag of mushrooms Yes you did

Because I did feel good when I left the house That god I didn't eat them Because once I got off stage I'm like this is done My back I could feel the wrist My shirt was wet in the back And the fucking sweatshirt Was drenched around him like no bueno

And you didn't even do an hour You did like what 20 30 minutes? I went home And the next morning there was no fucking good. I went to get coffee, and my daughter came around and goes, what's going on? I couldn't fucking breathe. I was just hanging by the sink, and I had

a pee, and I couldn't make it to the bathroom, so I just went on my back porch and took my dick out behind a barbecue like a savage. It's fucking squirting. I'm almost fainting, you know. At least you made it to the porch. I thought you were going to say you peed on the floor. No, and then Mercy went to school,

and I told my wife, let's go, and I was going to go to center state and Creehold. And then a friend of mine called me. She goes, if you think it's your heart, shoot to Neptune. Because you had to cancel a show Wednesday, Wednesday night, I got dressed.

Like at three, I knew I'm not feeling good. But if I rest a little bit, the drive up will be easy, the drive back will be easy. It'll be a fucking, I'll do 35 minutes, all these guerrillas are up there anyway. I could do it. I felt good. I ate a little something. I went in the shower. When I was in the shower, I'm like,

this is going to be a motherfucker. I went downstairs, started the car, and when I went outside in the cold, it was cold that night. Yeah, fuck it is. When I went outside, when I came in, my wife's like, why are you sitting down?

And she looked at me, she's like, oh, no, you're in no... I couldn't fucking breathe. I walked in the car inside. Something I do every goddamn day. Ten times a day. And there's no stairs and no nothing. No, there was no stairs.

I just couldn't breathe, guys. So I said, tomorrow, if I feel this way, I'm going in, I did. And when I went in there, dog, my blood pressure was 190 over 1.30. My pulse was fucking done. In fact, they took my vitals and rushed me to get an EKG.

My oxygen level was 88. I thought it was even lower than that's crazy. They took me, they said, you're admitted. They took me into the hallway. They put a fucking boop in my arm, or IV. They started blasting away, fucking shooting. And this and me, this and me, this and me, and they got me a room.

And then my wife was there with me for a little while. And then fucking Lee showed up with fucking goodies. Was Scarface on when you were there? No, what was on? No, Scarface wasn't on. And that was fucked up because you were, the TV,

no, it was Remember the Titans. Oh, that's a good football movie. That was a good movie. You see that? It's a good movie. It was fucked up because the sound was coming out of the remote. So you left me the speakers. I tried to, yeah.

From the airlines, and no speakers, it's like getting an iPhone. Listen, that iPhone, it's like when you're born, God knows when you're going to die. Only him. The iPhone, when you buy it, there's a date inside. When it's going to die, okay? Airline speakers, they have a date, too. They're just dead. Like in the middle of the movies, that's it.

I'm trying to put it back. I'm trying to fix this thing because I had them on. You put it out the edge of the thing. It was the Turner of the Titans. Then you left. And then I was down there for maybe two other hours, but people were coming in and talking to me. Yeah.

Like all the doctors, I was talking to them and shit. So next thing you know, like, we're trying to find you a room. When I went out, I would go in the hallway to walk around, I had to sit right back down. And there were people all out in the hallways. Yeah, that's scary. These old people were out there. There was a lady who kept saying, hello, hello.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Hello. Hello. Dog, she said hello for three hours straight. You understand me? Dude. I thought I was like in the fucking Criminal Hall of Fame. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Dude, ER's a scare. I was someone else that I know was in the ER last week. And then you were. It is, I'm very happy that I've been healthy.

Because it's, like, they literally will put a bed in front of another bed. in the hallway. We don't have anything. You don't have anywhere to plug in your phone. Like, just even look at anything. And, like, they're just walking around. The ER is a scary place. The room you had was a lot better.

Well, that was a room in the ER. Right. You know, so I was still downstairs among the animals. You know, I ate, Lee left. And then they brought me up around 10. And there was a two-man room. And that guy was crumpled up, making weird noises. They put me in the corner in the window side.

This had a window of view. I had my own TV. The room was cut in half, and I had my own bathroom. He had his own bathroom. About 2 o'clock. I'm like, I'm going to fall. I didn't bring my sleep at me a machine. So they brought me one of their machines,

which was basically a ventilator. It sounded like a fucking car engine. Oh, no. You know, and I could not. What fucking number are you? I don't know. No, I don't know. He's a fucking car engine.

So I'm about to fucking take off with that mask on. About three, dog, I started getting depressed. I woke Terry up, and I got to go home. I've been here for fucking 15 hours. Nobody knows dick. They already took blood out of me from everywhere. Right. Boom, boom, boom, boom.

And she's like, don't leave. And I got the nurse, and I go, listen, I'm thinking of fucking Uber. I contacted Uber. They said, we got an Uber there in seven minutes. You'll be home by 503. or something. And my wife called back and she was really upset. She goes, you got to stay, dog.

What the fuck? You know? Yeah. And I agreed. I sat there. At six, I was fucking starving. So they gave me some cereal and shit like that. And then at nine breakfast came.

Now, the guy next to me, as much as I wanted to leave, I'm like, I'm going to give these motherfuckers till about three. You know, the guy next to me was complaining. And some doctor came in first thing in the morning and told him if everything went right, he could go home. Once they tell you that, that fucks you up. Every time somebody came in to talk to that guy after that, he kept saying, yeah, but the first doctor said I could fucking leave. This went on for about two or three hours with this guy. I went down a test to do some type of test.

And when I came back, they let the guy out. he didn't make it to the elevator and ain't up once they they discharged you you gotta start in the basement again they put him right back so he forced his way out

and he fucking fell and he fucking didn't make it and now he was getting surgery you know what and I was like I'm done I'm gonna sit right here like I own this motherfucker I was gonna say

there's nowhere to go I had no weed but I had a backpack And I went to get a pen and what was in there? One single mushroom stem. I looked at it. It was one long one with a little cap. And I go, how do I do this?

I just put it right back in there. It's still in the bag. It's my lucky mushroom step. Thank God. And when my wife came, she goes, I brought your shaving kit. And when I opened the shaving kit, I had edibles in there. Oh, shit. And right away, I'm like, I'm going to do edibles.

But I was like, I'm going to do this right. Let me do this and do this right. and get this over with and then I had another roommate and I started talking to him and he turned out to be a fucking savage this guy from Vietnam

and the next morning like when he came in I go they gave me cereal if you want cereal yeah but I can't move I'll get it for you like I'm cereal cranberry juice and shit but then that afternoon they moved me to my own room

and I tell you the nurses were great thought I'm scared in my own shadow When it comes to hospitals and doctors, dog, it is a fucking nightmare for a guy like me. They gave me 10 shots just in this arm. If I show you my arm, it's just bruised up over here from the fucking, uh, the blood clot. Oh, no. So I wouldn't have got a blood clot. Thank God that's why I walked every hour in the hour, because you're fucking, you're sitting there all day.

I wouldn't even lay in the bed. I would sit in a chair and read. I was reading a fucking book, but I would walk every hour on the hour, and sometimes they make me walk with the oxygen on my finger and it would show them. My finger and my fingerprints are gone. If I was ever going to be a burglar, this is the fucking week because they came up

every fucking hour and took blood out of each finger. I swear to God, they took so much blood out of his finger. It was out of blood like the fucking Filipino nerd. They had to send the head nurse, Carmelita. I loved her death. And she's like, you have no blood, Mr. Diaz. I go, yeah.

Because they're taking every fucking venticle, whatever. So, they started on this hand, this, this. I still can't feel my fucking things. No wonder people get diabetes. Look at my fingers. How hard they are. They look like little sausages and shit.

Because I re-grew skin like a motherfucker. I swear to God. They shot me with fucking needles. And that was twice a day. That heparbred, he whatever the fuck. That was twice a day. Do we want me to tell you hurt?

No, it didn't hurt. The fucking worst pain I got was when I first checked in. She goes, I'm going to take some blood. I didn't expect them. to fucking, for it to hurt me, but she was putting an IV in. So it took me a little deeper, but I was okay, I didn't pass out.

But I had some fucking adventures in there with the needles. I really did because they have rolling veins, so they can't, I got good veins, but they roll. So when you stick a needle, they disappear. So the first night, they tried five different fucking IVs on me. How I didn't snap, I don't know. I was going to say, because people were checking in with me, And at first, like, I didn't know what you wanted me to say.

And then when I could tell people a few people what I said, like, because some people are like, how mad is he? I'm like, you know what? Though I will say the first, the Thursday when I was there the first time, you did say you had a couple 50s to try to bribe your way out of that. Oh, I showed up with 800. I had fucking money stashed and I fucking took it all. And I went down and I go, I had like $600, $100 bills.

Two of those hundreds will get me anywhere in this country. You understand me? So I always knew I had it out. I always knew if things got dange, somebody gave me a run, a ride home for the small 200. But you handled it pretty well. I had no choice. I had no...

Every once in a way I got to come to terms of what's going on. Right. Because what's worse? You ever try going to the doctor nowadays, guy? Okay. It's impossible. Your piss hurts. You got to go to your main doctor.

That's a small 50. You got to drive the morning. And then you got to go to your fucking. Now you got to set up an appointment with this douchebag. And now your emails are going on because checking in, are you checking in for your appointment next Thursday? It's next Thursday. You know what I'm saying?

They fucking torture the fuck out of you. But even that, like you, like if you were sick today, you couldn't probably get into your regular doctor for like a month. And they could, guess what? What? For three fucking months I couldn't get into my regular doctor. On the drive up here today, she called, oops, we have an appointment tomorrow, 1130.

Can you fucking believe that? I couldn't get in there for eight fucking months. Now all of a sudden, they're calling me to tell me I fucking got an appointment. 11.30 in the morning. So this is the weirdest thing about the medical fucking field. But the wack, the whole, the craziest event I had guys

was, okay, so they did a bunch of x-rays, they did a bunch of tests, they took a bunch of blood. They were taking three to four tubes a day of blood. First thing in the morning, needle in the vein with the fucking leg. I see, your mother.

What's the leg? I don't know. It's like an air pump and it fills up three tubes about you knowing. Oh, Jesus. I don't know. look. After the dude says this to me on Friday, he goes,

listen, Joey, we got one test we're going to give you. And what they do is they slit your wrist and they put this up your wrist and it goes into your heart and if you need a stint or a balloon it does it right on the spot. And then, and he goes, but it could cause a stroke. It could do this. They could do that.

I said, listen, let's just fucking do this shit, right? Okay. So Monday comes, and they're going to do this test on me. It's supposed to be at like 9, maybe 10 o'clock. They're like, you can't eat after midnight. And I'm like, that's not going to work. That's if I'm going to see you at 7 for blood.

But if you're going to take me somewhere at 7 and not feed me, so I got up at 5. And I had two boxes of Rice Krispies and an apple or something in a fruit bowl, right? just to fill me up a little bit, and then sure enough, they didn't come get me until 10 o'clock. So I was prepared. At least I wouldn't go insane.

Right. When I get down 10, they're like, oh, you're not even going in for another hour. The guy's still in front of you, and they got to clean the room. So I knew I was fucking prepared. But in the meanwhile, they came over to me, and they go, you know exactly what you're going to do?

And I'm like, not really. And they're like, all right, we'll break it down for you. We're going to take you in there. Hold on. All right, so we're going to take you in there. They're going to put the thing in your arm. It's going to go through your heart. They're going to fix it.

If it's non-fixable, if there's nothing going on, we won't do nothing. But if there is going on, and it's not the balloon in the stent, we're on the wire with a heart doctor, a whole team, and we decide what we're going to do with you that. If we're going to continue to surge, and I go, you guys didn't tell me about this third option. It was a balloon, and that's it. All of a sudden you're thrown.

what's behind door number three? You know what I'm saying? Open heart surgery? No, they was going to do something else. They have to do some... The guy's name was Dr. Gerges. He was great. He was fucking great.

His assistant was telling me this, right? So he goes, they go through your wrist. And if for some reason they can't, they go through your nut, whatever, through the groin. I go, okay, no problem. When this guy leaves, this little Salvadorian lady comes in. Hello, Mr. Diaz. And she's like, I'm going to get you ready for surgery.

She starts shaving my arm. And all of a sudden she goes, okay, put her. towel between your legs. I go, I go, no, no, no. They're doing the wrist. She goes, but just in case, we have to do that. I don't want to come back in and shave hair and go everywhere. And I'm like, ah. So she put a little towel on me, like the rock. I was just laying there and just shaved the side.

She put a little powder. She wiped it down with some Malukia juice. Ooh, you have rash. I was never so fucking embarrassed. 62 years old, this lady is shaving around my nutsack. Thank God I took a shower that morning. And she didn't get a dose of that morning nut. You know what I'm saying? The morning nut.

Oh, that morning nut. We all take a whiff of it in the morning. I love it. Before you serve it up, you know what I'm saying? You got to whip them up. So I fucking go in there, right? The room is freezing. Just how I like it.

They fucking, you know, wheel over onto a table. They're talking to you. A ton of shit's going on. I'm having a good time, guys. I'm like, at least he's going to get it over with. I get this shit over with, man. It might hurt. People said the arm's going to hurt for a few days.

Nothing. Motherfucker. When they did whatever to my wrist, because I already had an IV in here. So they put the drugs in there. They go, we're going to get you high. You're not going to be singing. You're not going to be sleeping,

but in case we tell you you've got to breathe and stuff. And I heard him say, we shot him 65 fentanyl. I go, no, no, no, no, no. I go, listen, because after five minutes, I didn't feel nothing. I'm like, guys, I got a high tolerance. You better hit me with another shot. So they gave me 25 more milligrams of fentanyl. And then I started feeling little butts.

Whatever they put into my wrist dog made my leg pop up. That was sharp. I was like, ah! And then it just went away. And then they did whatever. procedure they did. I heard, beep, and I saw lights and shit. I saw Lee dancing at Hudson County Park with a tuxedo on.

Oh, that's nice. And most of them they go, it's over. It was like 20 minutes. So he goes out. They're all talking in there. And this motherfucker comes back with that mask. Like when they went to give Carmella bad news, we don't know if he's Tony's going to make it.

I got the press. I was like, fuck, and he walked up me, and he goes, Mr. Diaz, I don't know what to tell you. We couldn't find anything. The first thing that came to my mind was 27 years of doing cocaine and you're trying to tell me it was for nothing. Like I didn't come out with a stench, nothing,

like a fucking Coke rock in the vein. He goes, everything is cleaned out. And I was thinking about the hills of North Bergen. Thinking about the hills of North Bergen. Every time you've got to walk those things, your heart would fucking, pump out. We're like boxers. You ever see a boxer? He's all fucked up.

He can barely talk. He's alive. Because everything else is dead, but his heart's still fucking going. So that's the only excuse. I mean, I was like, Doc, are you fucking serious? He goes, I can't. He goes, your calcium scores. Like fucking 100. And that's good. That's good.

He goes, your heart's strong for a 62-year-old guy. I didn't tell him about the blow and nothing like that. The Malugia juice and everything else. Were you, because I know you said you were nervous. I was depressed. I got fucking depressed for a minute. I was like, what the fuck? So all this time, you know, because I took the first vaccine,

but it was Johnson and Johnson. It was the Fanoic vaccine. Oh, yeah. They gave the boys and girls. I forgot you took that one. Yeah, I took the Johnson and Johnson and Union City. God knows what was in there. You know what I'm saying? So, I was always concerned about my heart. I always have palpitations. They put

a heart thing on me two years ago for a week, for 10 days. I had a heart monitor on me. And I went back expecting the worst news. They're like, sorry, nothing's wrong with you. So I'm cleared that way. Then the next morning they gave me the thing for my lungs. Okay.

And I'm still waiting on that, and I'm waiting on the last blood test they gave me. So I'll get the results tomorrow for that, and they'll follow me up next week. I feel good. The doctors don't want me to do shit until February, second week of February. So I still got Philly on the books. They're trying to move Jersey City on Wednesday, And that's it. I've been out of the hospital for two days,

and I feel a little sluggish, but I'm good. You know, I got to make it up here today, and I know this is going to be like a little process. Right. But I'll tell you, man, and I'm going to tell a lot of people, I'm going to tell my brother George, the doctor was telling me, not the doctor, this other guy that were coming and talk to you about contagious diseases.

It was an interesting chit-chat. I had with him the one man. He goes, you guys got to remember. And I go, he goes, and he goes, my father did it. He goes, after 55, the flu is completely different. He goes, after you turn 55, 56, the flu is completely different. He goes, when you were a kid, you can have the fever, and then still have the flu, and your fever goes away, and you can go out and throw snowballs and shit. do that shit when you're your age now he goes you end up in the fucking hospital and let me tell you some guys

even when I was in the ER I would walk around I was taking five steps of the shot and I have to hold on to the fucking thing I was listening to those people they were all there for shortness of breath all of them and they were all

you know they were older people man so you don't and I'm not the type of guy I'm going to sit here. I feel so young. Go fuck yourself. I know I'm 62. I don't feel it. But that's what kills you,

that you don't feel it. So you still do things that you think when you were 30. And I don't do a lot. Like, I know I can't go, like you don't see me going, let me fight Mike Tyson. And that's not happening. Even though he just bought a new house

in fucking Florida with 18 bedrooms. Did you see that? Yeah, I did see that. You know, whatever. It doesn't matter. I mean, there's things you can do and there's things you can't do. But I didn't know.

the flu was that serious for as you get older and I'm cool with it now like now I respect it so I'm doing this podcast tonight and I'm pretty much in the next three or four days just relaxing you know this morning I woke up and go I can't

wait to go box tomorrow shit when I woke up this morning I knew I wasn't doing much I was like I don't even think I'll make it to the fucking podcast but throughout the day I felt better you know I went and got a hairdo just to put some whatever in my life

and get out of the house and breathe. So I want to thank for people who left the notes and for you guys for having my back and shit. Of course, dude. It goes down, man, but, you know, you're not young anymore. And you guys know I'm not over here trying to put makeup on and fingers and try to be, you know... Fingers.

You know, those people that put rings on like Keith Richards. The older they get, the creepier they get to be young and you're like, knock it off. Just be fucking old and accept it. But, you know, you learn, and you have to accept that you're a certain age. You know, it's a big difference being 45 and 25. Okay. Because I know you said you were scared or depressed when the doctor came in after they checked your heart.

Were you, like, you didn't seem, you weren't feeling well, but you didn't seem, like, scared. Were you scared when you went into the hospital? Yes. When I walked in that day, I thought I had some, you know, it's not. I had some moments. I had some moments for about a week. I was just doing shit I would do. Think of doing shit every day.

You do the same thing. You grab a slice of pizza, the phone's over there, right? You come over here, you've got a slice, the phone rings. You're like, God damn it, you run to the fucking phone. You do that 20 times a day. I would do that and almost die. Like, beyond my one leg fucking drinking that, the albuter all. You know, that's no way to live.

No. I wouldn't make it upstairs. The one night I peed three times and I had to walk from my bedroom to the kitchen. Just to make coffee. While I was making coffee, every movement I would do would stress me out so much that I'd have to run outside in the balcony and piss

and run back in. Damn. So it was fucking like, I can't breathe. I went to the gym last Monday. I did about eight minutes on the bike. And then I put the lightest weight on. And I tried to just do poles and shit like that. Three minutes I lasted.

The next day, I went back to the gym, and I lasted about five minutes. And I had to sit down. That was it. I was done. The next day, I didn't ride the bike, but I went to see Tom at Fit for Life. And that day, we did about 30 minutes of lifting. I got into a pace. He slowed it down.

But I think that that night, going to do... And then Tom and then I think it just put me on a different planet. So, I mean, I know you don't fully know what it was, and I know you said like you're going to respect the flu and stuff. Are you making, like, any other changes? I got to do a lot of changes. I got to lose some more weight. Yeah? Yeah, I got to drop some more pounds.

And like, what is it? Just for me. The doctor didn't say nothing. I just want to do it. And you did a test in your lungs and you're waiting to see how that comes. I got to wait to see. They made an appointment with the whatever the guy, the lung doctor.

I'm going to do another sleep apnea test. You can do them at home now. Oh, nice. You don't have to go down there. It's a bunch of wires. Have you seen the one where they can implant it in you? Yeah, but that's if you have light sleep apnea. If that fucks like us, that little device ain't going to work.

That's the, by the way they get you it to call them up. Really? Yeah. And then you call down there and they're like, nah. That's what people are normal human beings. Not fucking gorillas like you two. Right. Dude, before I lost the weight,

but I for sure had it. I never got the test, but I'd wake up choking. You saw that night on the stitch when you were fucking blinking and shit. Well, yeah, it was 300 pounds. Yeah, no shit. But yeah, I was, I'm happy you're out, dude. That was... Dog, I'm happy that I had the fucking boss

to stay in there for five days and take care of it and just put it to bed. I mean, I'm not out of the fucking woods, but I feel great. I'm out of the fucking woods. I got you motherfuckers. I'm walking. I'm going to walk down here. It was straight.

But again, once you, that cold air, I got to, that shit fucks with you anyway, you put it. Never mind if you have whatever the fuck I'm going on. But you just try to be healthier and better.

I'm going to be 62 next month. I never thought, we never thought we'd make it to 62. Are you fucking serious? You really think I was thinking about, I can't wait to be retired? I never said that my wife.

What retired? I thought we were going to be. You know, so I'm fortunate about that. I still get to do the podcast with you guys. I still get to do a little comedy. I'm not looking or taking over the world. I just don't want to be fucking bored. I want to keep my mind cracking.

You sit at home, nothing's going to happen. Right. You know, nothing's going to happen in your life if you sit at home. I'm not looking for something to happen, but I'm not going to sit at home either. I ain't no punk bitch. You know what I'm saying? I ain't no punk bitch.

You can't go out there. way. Did it make you, like the fact that, I mean, I know you could have left the hospital, but like waiting for them to give you, like, is that, did that make you want to do stuff? Like what? Like being, like, being just being, because like, that I thought would have been the hardest part for you. Because you, you gave me shit in L.A. about watching football for eight hours. For to be in there from whatever it was Thursday to Tuesday, that's a long time to watch TV and do nothing for you.

I don't think you've ever done that. Listen, before I went into that hospital, I packed the computer. I downloaded TV apps, which I didn't really use. I watched The Wire, maybe two episodes. I brought a book that I wanted to read. I brought another backup book that I read about three chapters. I wrote a little bit in the hospital, just on how I was feeling every day. And that made it a lot easier to sit there.

Listen, guys, I knew I had to sit there. What really fucked me up was my wife brought my daughter on Friday. I had both IVs in my arm. So I put a hooded sweatshirt on while she was there so she wouldn't see the IVs. Well, the fucking nurse came in to get my blood pressure, and I had to take that fucking thing out. She didn't want to come see me Saturday, and she didn't want to come see me on Sunday. And I got it. I got home Tuesday.

I went to her game Tuesday, and usually after every game, me and her drive home together. because my wife's got to put the balls away and a bunch of shit. She got in the car on me yesterday. Within five minutes, she was crying. She was happy I was at the game. And within five minutes, she was crying. And she told me she had a shitty weekend

that she had to, you know, it was just, I put everybody in a bad position. I put you guys, my wife, my daughter, you know, I didn't go to her recital Thursday night. So I could see how much of the. affected her last night and this morning. Right. Last night she was really,

she, we got home, we spoke, and then I met her upstairs, like at nine, and I made a banana milk shake for her. The way my godfather used to make for me, and she was bullshit with me, and I could tell she was upset. Well, and like, obviously, thank God you're okay. But she didn't say nothing to my wife.

Right. My wife's like, she didn't say nothing. She played it off. Mm-hmm. she's one of those motherfuckers. Like she knew about my daughter. She knew about my older daughter. She told me, since she's five, I knew you, I had a sister.

She didn't tell me until last fucking year. Wow. Six years she held it in. So I got to talk to about that shit. But did it? And I don't know, it wasn't, thank God, that serious. But like, you lost your mom around the age she is now. Like, did, I would have.

No, no, no. She's 12. Right. You were 16. Oh, you were 16. I'm sorry. I thought you were 13. But even still, like, did that go into your head at all?

Like, no. No? No. I don't ever want that to go in my head. First off, that's the only deal I got. If anybody wants me, whatever it is Satan, the Lord Jesus, just let me see her graduate high school. Okay. She'll be fundamentally sound by 18.

You understand. You know, you understand what's going on. She's got other people around there. She's got uncles now. It's not how I was left in the woods. It's completely different. So it's a different age. She knew I was old.

My mom dropped dead at 48. Not that she was fucking married Tyler Moore. She was in good shape. It was a different time. Women smoked. Women drank. You know, whatever. They ate.

She was on Bergen-Line Avenue. What the fuck do you expect? But no, that didn't enter my mind. Good. Okay. Because I don't, you know, I'm not going out like no punk. bitch. You know what I'm going to tell you again.

I ain't got no time for these hos. And I'm not going out like one of these punk bitches. I love it. I'm happy you're good, dude. No, I'm good. And we'll, uh, listen, man, we, you know, we had some complications the month of January, but we're coming back stronger in November of February. We got a great guest next week. We got shit cracker lacking. Just give us time. You know, this set us all back.

You guys know I love you. I don't know about the Jersey City date. Philadelphia is still on for the 15th. It's sold out. May Labor Day is sold out. I got ticket information for March for the New Jersey Festival. I just got the email today. But I'll fill you guys in time. Enjoy your fucking January.

Enjoy the new president. Enjoy the new year. Enjoy yourselves. And we'll be back Tuesday morning the 28th. Tip Top Magoo. Love you. Say something, Lee. I love you guys.

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