The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - I got 600 mgs in me and I am ready to rock!

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

Joey Diaz talks with Lee Syatt about bombing at an Ice T show, taking Lee to hairclub for men, why Joey won't watch certain clips from the beginning of his career, and much more! Support Uncle Joey & get your nicotine fix for 20% off. Head to https://www.lucy.co/JOEY & use promo code JOEY for 20% off your 1st order.   Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Liquid IV order at https://www.liquidIV.com, promo code JOEY.   New customers can turn $5 into $150 instantly in bonus bets with any college basketball bet. Support the show and download the DraftKings Sportsbook app with code JOEY   The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

I got 600 milligrams in me and I'm ready to rock. You know what I'm saying? Enough is enough playing games. You'll leave your fucking jujuch. You know what am I going to? I got a got shit to do tomorrow. What am I going to? I tell you why.

I got like I get up in this fucking servants over here. Yeah, but there's no one who like you don't get on Zoom calls with like someone who. I always got some type of fucking whack off call, you know. Always some dumb fuck that wants to zoom. and waste my time and his time. You know, I got a new idea. I want you to play a fucking court dude. Fucking,

what it was, Judge Joey? Okay. Settled neighborhood disputes. That was the last one. Dude, I got hit up, and he was a guy. I remember him being a good guy. He messaged me on Facebook.

I was like, hey, I got the opportunity to, like, be the EP of this movie with some actor's names I recognized, whatever. but he's like, hey, we're looking to raise funding. Minimum of $25,000 investment. If you know anybody, I'll give you a finder's fee.

I'm like, yeah, okay. People are dying to put $25,000 into an unknown movie, an election year, 10 wars going on. You think it is in full effect, you know, and this guy's trying to fucking banknote a movie online. if we get it made, you get a poster and a premier ticket and, you know, leave me alone, all right? Because what are they going to get that dough back to you?

Never. Dog, I went to an audition one day that was fucking, the script was just insane. I got to go down and see what the fuck this is. It's a sadly audition, which right there is a signal. I did not know at the time. Oh, no. And I was naive, but it was like 2002, maybe. And it was right across the street from where me and Ralphie lived.

So I crossed the street, and I'm like, oh, shit, that must be the place. And there's a line down the corner. And I'm like, what the fuck is this, right? So it was one of those basements behind the Thai restaurant on the sunset downstairs. So finally they go, everybody get to the stairway. he wants to make an announcement. The guy's like, okay, when you come in, bring in who you're reading for,

plus take an investment form. All right. So, and then the guy goes, okay, if you don't have a family member or a friend that's willing to invest $5,000 to $25,000, you can't audition for this project. I just made a name up on the sheet.

and I stayed for the meeting. Oh, my God, Lee. Oh, my God. And that's the kind of shit that crushes you. Right. As anything, a comic, an actor, a painter, a fucking pedophile. Anything like that where you show up and now they want an investment. And you're like, what the fuck?

I thought I was auditioning for a fucking Chinese gang movie. And all of a sudden, now I got to chip in five grand to be in a fucking movie that nobody's ever going to see. Right. Nobody's ever going to listen This thing won't make it to the fucking This thing And you want shit to work Let's continue this on the thing

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Joey use promo code Joey let's get this show started I need some more nicotine myself turn up your TVs run for your lives it's over they didn't put you on this planet just to give up if Uncle Joey could do it I can rule the world that's what you gotta be thinking

there he is fresh from Connecticut I don't think they're gonna let me back in the state I'm telling you I heard the people down there were in that fucking building hiding like Hamas down there. And I told you the night before. Just pull over and call a bomb alert. Say, look, I'm coming down to the bomb.

I'm just letting you know and shit. Dude, I don't know how to explain how bad I did two nights in a row. Like, it was one of the worst weekends I've had in my entire, like, time doing stand-up. And the part that was frustrating was, like, and you know me dude I'm not a a bragger at all and I'm very early on but I've had some pretty good sets recently

like I was hitting them with jokes that like once a weekend I'll usually get like a little bit of an applause break on and then just silence and like I it was it was like I was doing it for people who didn't speak English but I knew

I know they spoke English it was one of the worst the only thing that I can like tip my hat on is I didn't run off the stage like 10 minutes too early. I sat through it. I took my fucking beating. But it was a,

it was, the first night was bad and the second night was worse. And I was so prepared to do good the second night or do well the second night. And it just, ah, it was a rough time. When the staff stops talking to you or they all walk by and tap you on the back. And somebody that finally puts a sign on your back.

RIP. You got to drive home with that sign on your back. You don't find it until you get to your house. You're like, RIP. You run right to the bank because you want to deposit a check before they cancel it. You know, when you bomb for a weekend like that, you're like, pray to God, there's an ATM that'll take this $100 to now. I don't even care if it gives me money right now before this fucking guy pulls the check money on me. And I wouldn't, I remember I bought, like, you were very nice, but I don't.

I remember I bombed on one of the, I didn't bomb, but I got too high on one of the Sony Hall shows. And like I forgot where I was. And I told you, I was like, I don't even want, when I bomb, I don't even want the money. Like it makes you feel worse when people pay you when you bomb. Bombing is a part of life. And it's a part of the job. And if you don't accept it now and put a reason on it, not that the sound system didn't work, not that they were Chinese, not that, you know, because that we do.

Okay, we start reaching, you know. And the other thing about bombing is you got to learn how to laugh at it. And that's tough for comics, especially when you're trying to get up on the move. I'd rather see a comic know he's dying at the 12-minute mark, change his routine around, than to see a guy being. so blind that he's still using material. So that was, because I knew I was, like, I even said, because there was a table at like the 10 minute mark who had not stopped talking.

And I said, like, hey, like, at least they're all, they don't like me, but at least they're being quiet and smiling. And I, it was like, the only way I can describe it is when I first started getting shows and they'd ask you to do seven minutes and I had seven minutes. So if I didn't do, like, there was nowhere. for me to go. So I didn't, I should have. I guess I'll try to do, like,

I'm not really a crowdwork guy. So I didn't even think about just going to crowdwork. No, but talk to them. Okay. With the material and get rid of that fucking hairy dog. I know it worked three weeks ago in Utah. Guess what? It's a different fucking day, my friend.

Yeah. And it's something that you just learn and then you learn how to laugh at yourself while you're up there. Just turn it. You do decrep-reate and humor anyway. I could have got more laughs from the fucking at the hotel with the ghost in Florida

where they shut up and fucking gaping. At the point, you're just struggling for straws, but it's like you being on the bottom of the jihitsu match and there's a minute left and you ain't going nowhere. Right. Let me just make some moves here to adjust myself if I can breathe.

He ain't going to finish this choke. And I'm not going to reverse them. It's over. don't care if I lost. You know what I'm saying? It's better than getting out of there. Listen, when I bombed at the Ice Cube show, okay? In 1995, I had a chance to open up Ice Cube, Ice T, one of those motherfuckers in Boulder at the Fox Theater downtown.

Okay. It was a little overzealous, and I typed up a phony resume. What? And I went down there and said I'm a feature act. I could do 30 minutes. If you have any fallouts for bands or anything, give me a call. And they called. It's terrible.

$100 to open up for Ice Cube or Ice Tea. I've told the story. I told you. And I went in there and died. There was smoking dope. I got all excited. And I went out there and it was a slow beating of a, in night. And I still had 10 more minutes left to go. And I had already died for 10 minutes.

And it was brutal. But at that level, I never forget that I did goof around a little bit. Like if I knew it was going to be this type of party, I would have smoked more dope. Better than I was going nowhere with that, your mind is thinking. And you're away from that fucking dirt bag material you got because that's how I would look at it. And in the middle of my dirtback material in the beginning, I would go, why am I doing material? I can just talk to these fucking savages and they'll have a better time. They're in a bar. I told you a thousand times that when people are predetermined going to a comedy club, they're going to a comedy club. That's why when you get to a comedy club, they give you everything to feel like you're in a comedy club, the lights.

You know, when you go to somebody's basement or the back room or something, that's all great and dandy, but it's a struggle. These are people that didn't want to pay the $50 to see Bert. So they're going down to Village Diner to pay the small 10 and get a cocktail, you know. And if you're not funny, they turn around. They have no investment in the show. Oh, yeah. It was.

So, you know, I tell people these are workouts. You needed this. I guess I didn't feel like I didn't. You needed this. Yeah, you needed this. Why? Now you look around and go, thank God, that didn't happen in an A room with Joshua. Yeah.

Oh, Jesus Christ. So now you live and you learn. And I did something that I didn't always do because I've tried to listen to myself recently. But like I had a bomb, I wouldn't delete it, but I wouldn't go. I listened to it on Saturday. And I was up until 4 in the morning. Yeah, that was all completely Jew neurotics. That's Jew neurotics.

It's a fucking basement bar in Connecticut. There's nothing to, that was four hours of your life, you'll never get back. That was an experience. Don't think of why you bombed. You know why you bombed. You fucking know, you don't have to listen to the fucking tapes. You don't have to listen. I told you Friday when you called me, I said to your dog,

when you go to these places, your energy has to be very, high. Yep. You went out there night too, dittling around, looking around like a Jew at a bagel store.

They fucking ate your lunch. That's it. That's it, bro. These are the places where you've got to be really on your A game

because you're going to bomb. The percentage of you bombing is higher than a comedy club. Fuck. It's fucking wild, man. It's wild. But after a while,

you start looking at these periods. I don't want you to examine them now. You're going to fuck. If you died at the improv in front of Bud Friedman, yeah, I'll come home with you, listen to that tape with you too. And then throw shit at you while we'll listen to it to make you feel even worse. But no, these are all, listen, I'd rather bomb. You see me, Bob. Yeah, but it's different. You've seen me bomb. I've seen you not do well for you.

But you've seen me. go out there a little overzealous. Yeah. And there's a couple more Gentiles than what I expected. Well, these are the uptight Jews. The ones that go see Barber Streisand. It's happened to fall into this place tonight. You know, it's very interesting.

It's a very, it's a lot more than people fucking think about. But at this level, I don't want you to think about it. At this level, let me think about it. it. And I'll tell you even, I told you Friday night on the phone as I was listening to you. And you were describing the type of place it was. I don't even need to be there. I just know. I just know. You're doing two things wrong. Okay. You're not taking your energy up on stage and you're not looking at what's in front of you. What do you mean by that? All I ever want you to look at is this Friday and Saturday. I don't want you to think about what you're going to do,

I don't want you to think what you're going to do in fucking Vegas. I don't want to hear about any of that shit. Okay. You focus on what's in front of you, how you're going to fucking catapult from this Friday and Saturday. That's it. Tonight's material. That's it.

Every week changes. By the time you get there, Michael Jackson might come back from the grave. You're worried about your stupid fucking bagel joke. You follow I'm saying to you? Right. I want you to bury the person. people, and I've been telling you this for how long now?

12, 13 years? Yeah. It's, and it's... It's just a waste of thought. Mm-hmm. It is, and this is the comedy world. It's a waste of thought. Think about what's on your plate now.

Today. How are you going to earn? This all goes back to this. Today. Yeah, but next Tuesday, my cousin Vinnie said that I'll help him move his cat. Listen, you might get hit by a truck. my next Tuesday. You're dumb, you walk around,

you're not looking behind you. I see you walking around, listening to your phone, looking at fucking people on your phone. You're going to get hit with a satellite. That eclipse is going to land on you, because I can tell. So what are you talking about next Tuesday? We ain't got next Tuesday.

We ain't got, you know, oh, well, when I'm in Vegas, I have a big showcase, that's in three weeks. Right now you've got Connecticut. basement, the dungeon of life in front of you. That's all you need to worry about. How are you going to get out of a dungeon? And if somebody shoots, how are you going

to get out of that? Because you're lucky you didn't get shot down there. You know, you can just take so many bombs in a row before I fuck and start going apeshit, one of those clubs. It's not a Chinese place. I can't goof on the waiter. You know. Wait, are you saying you're going to shoot it? Like, if I bomb, you're going to shoot me up? No, no, no, no, no. If you're in a basement,

you know, some guy goes down there and smells a one time and thinks he's back in Vietnam and throws a bomb up to the state, you know, and here you're on the basement. You got to grow up the stairs. You got to climb on top of 90 people. Grandmas are bleeding and get me out. Fuck you. I'm getting out first. I ain't falling

for this again. Dude, the way I was feeling, I might have just jumped in front of the gun at that. Like, I was I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, it's not as bad as I used to be, but I still take it personally. Listen, Lee, I was taking it personal to, like, 10th of 12th years. So I'm not going to tell you I wasn't doing anything different.

But you got to learn to grow. Fuck, the numbers are against you. You're not going to gamble every night and win. Right. You're not going to gamble every night and win. When I look at my schedule as a comic on a Monday morning, when your wife is asking you what you want to do, this fucking idiot wants to talk to you about a film project,

this idiot's got an idea for a podcast, You tape it on the ground and shoot it up the space and listen to it in two years. After all it's said and done, what do I got? And now you look at the week and you go, listen, I got five sets this week. I got three open mics with a bunch of hoon-ums. And then I get two-page shows. What matters? The two-page shows.

Okay. So let's save everything we got for those two-page shows. What's my strategy for Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday? to try all the new jokes. I don't want you going up there with a notebook or looking at your stupid fucking phone. No. This is all from the hip.

Boom, boom, boom. And anything, you don't give a fuck at this point. It's eight fucking maloose, just like you. Throw it out there. Get it off your lips. Sometimes just getting it out of your lips is fuck and now it gets you to think. You know, how many times I said you'd remind me to say that joke?

and when I got off the stage, I killed, but I still looked at you and I go, motherfucker, I forgot to say that fucking joke. God damn it. Because you go out there with a man. How mad would I get? And you'd kill. Like, people would be falling out of their chairs and you'd be pissed. The first thing you'd say offstage.

I didn't try that fucking joke. I forgot it. I fucked it up. That's it. That's it. That's when you're feeling it. I forgot the fucking. joke, but I just killed that room.

Right. That's all that mattered to me because I was going somewhere on Friday. And that joke on Thursday at the comedy store, I needed to fucking try it to go into something different because I was just there nine months ago. So let me, I know I got 30 minutes, but let me see what else I can dig up before I get down there. And then you get down there and there's an earthquake.

Remember when he had the earthquake on stage in Huntington Beach? Were you there? No, I don't think I was there, but I remember that happening. What to July? You know, you're up on stage. You got all this material, you know, my grandmother. Here you are. I love with yourself.

And there's a fucking earthquake going on. And people are like moving. I go, relax people. Somebody ate in edible. And I was scared. Listen, I was more scared than they were. But again, I'm not climbing over eight motherfuckers. I got no cardio.

I got a bum knee. If the beam goes down like carry here, what am I going to do? If the levy breaks, I got no place. You know what I'm saying? So I just helped my ground, took a chance, and kept running through the material. And afterward, I went back to the room and I remember going, I didn't do anything tonight. I did 10 talks. I went right into the earthquake.

And we just rode it out with the earthquake. And then every eight minutes, there was a rumble. But that's the game. That's the game. Monday through fucking Friday. Look at your schedule. It's like Weight Watchers. Monday, your friend wants you to go on all you can eat fucking burger place.

So you're going to eat meat on Thursday. What am I going to eat on Wednesday? I got to eat chicken, a few vegetables. And then Saturday, I got to eat some more vegetables because they got to ship the meat out. It's just like, wait, watch, is you're planning your week of attack? Yeah. And I definitely learned a lot during that weekend. Those two days.

Yeah. It felt like more than. two days. I could write a book on bombings and situations and fucking, I could write 15 bombs that I had and the situations and the shit that surrounded them because at the end of the day, it wasn't really a bomb. It was a fucking experience. Jesus. For example, let's say you, allegedly. Let's say you go to a room, you go to a room, you do your 20 minutes, your 30,

your high line set. There was 18 people there. Obviously, you know, it's a ride off. You're a little depressed. He's paying you. You had a mediocre set. The hotel is the dump. It smells like dumplings when you walk in

and God knows what else and fucking curry and shit. They give you those skinny towels. with like, you know what I'm saying? You need to dry off, especially if you're over 300 pounds. You know, like a fucking, you got to make like a cape of those towels. You got to use the one or the fucking bad tile, you know. But anything like you go and maybe that feature act and you hit it off.

And all of a sudden you fucking, you know, he tells you other things about Michigan. Like what happened to me? He told me all the things about Michigan and where I should go and who I should call. And we ended up smoking dope and getting a gram of blow. and then Saturday night was even better. One of the weeks she just came back with us and fucking she was showing us pick, whatever. It's always, when you look,

that's why I tell you don't dwell on it now. Because five years from night, you're going to look at it as an experience. How long does it take to not, like, because I'm done with it now. I'm not, like, pissed off about that pissed off about it now. But, like, how long does it to not, like, fucking kill you? Like, have you, do you get off stage now if you bomb me?

Like, oh, thank God. Or like, like, are you happy about it now or no? If I'm going into the Wednesday, if I'm going into the weekend. Okay. Right? On a Friday and Saturday, I got two shows in Milwaukee, two shows in Chicago. I got people fucking sending me shit. We're going to go off.

I'm going to kill myself that night. You know, just all the shit that I used to get before the show. Tuesday night, if I bombed, I was kind of happy, but not really. All right. Right. So let's say I did a good Tuesday night in the original room, but I bombed in the main room. Okay. That's okay. If I killed all three nights, that's what kept me awake on Thursday night.

Because you thought you were a bomb coming or something? I knew that coming. I just had three of the best sets of my life, really five of the best sets of my life. And I'm going into this weekend. It's sold out. They got babysitters already. I can't even cancel. Obama is doing.

So now that makes you tighten up your game. When you get to the hotel, you go for your fucking whatever was in Milwaukee that we eat, and then you tighten up your notebook. And then hopefully, at that point already, I was doing comedy 24 years. Right. But I'd still think like that because I knew it's a game of percentages. It's like sales. It's like if you talk to 100,

women, five of them are going to go take you out on dates. Hopefully. Hey, listen, even me with an eyepatch could go into getting a hot dog from fucking the hot dog place and old bridge fucking whatever, right? Nicky's dogs. Jesus Christ. Did you ever, because you were talking about like flying,

the only thing that saved me this weekend was like at least I was home. Like, at least I didn't, like, what is it like when you, like, fly somewhere to bomb? Like, it... Never mind fly. Nothing. Listen, when you're taking a flight and you're a feature act, many of times I bombed with Joe Rogan as a feature act because I was thinking about something else. I bombed the first show or do well the first show and bomb the second show.

That means the cocaine was in my pocket. This is Joe's show. They're not here to see me. Do you know what I'm saying? You start thinking negative. things. I'm just going to go up there and call it in. And then you start feeling bad.

Okay. I saw the type of caliber Joe was and how he held his game. And that helped me a lot. You know, but let's say you bomb on a Friday night. Listen, you were with me the week I bombed in San Francisco. Oh, yeah, it comes. I bombed Thursday shows, Friday boat shows, and Saturday, the first show. I was 0 for five.

you were the witness. Yeah. And what happened to late show? I got so furious. So I'm not even doing material. This material sucks dick. I'm going to let the ego. There's no ego would stand up.

There's no ego. I'm down zero to fucking five here. Not even one show Thursday. I bombed on both shows Thursday. And then two more to boot on Friday. And then I ate a bag of dicks the first show. I was even thinking of Switcher with Ari. There's no ego in stand-up.

It's about the people in the fucking show. Right. There's weeks you're not going to fucking have it. You cannot be Alex Rodriguez every night. You cannot be, well, I was going to use Rodriguez and Daryl Strawberry. You know, those are two bad examples. But you can't. It's not going to happen.

What do you think? When Motley Crew goes on the road, if they got 16 dates, they don't need a bag of dicks on three of them. you think musicians bomb like that? Yeah, you'll see about it. You'll hear about it three days later. You went to see this band and the sound and the guitarist was drunk and, you know,

it's dog, the odds are against you. If not, you live in heaven where you never lose. And I don't know the last time you checked, we ain't in heaven. No. Holy shit. Yeah. No, but I love talking you, but that was a lot of fun.

How was your St. Patrick's day? Are you a big St. Patrick's? Oh, yeah. You see me. I had the kilt on. I was at the bar jumping up and down. I learned how to blow a bagpipe, you know. Yeah, were you?

Were you ever, did you ever, like, go on and go to bars on, like, days like that? When I was young and stupid, I think I did it. Listen, let's be as honest as I can with you. I've always known. I was not a day drinker. Okay. I've always known that what people do on that day was never for me. Like, I can't stop drinking at 9 a.m. green fucking beer.

You know, I did my share or whatever, but the only new, St. Paddy's I do remember is one. I took the bus tour in New York City. You did that with on St. Patrick's Day? Yeah, but with my friends. Oh, okay. They would go a different bus ride. His name was quirky years ago. This is 30 fucking years ago, 40, 40 years ago.

My friends the year before had gone over to the city and they were in the village and somebody invited. What were you talking about, St. Paddies or the 4th of July? Either one. I'm so fucking high. It's March. This guy rented a bus and he stopped at most of the Irish places and had a beer. And that was what you did. You went out of the bus and you got a shot in a beer and you yelled a little bit.

And this guy was a fucking pisser. He was a one-man parade, you know. And I remember like, I think I got off the bus like by 70th Street and fucking said, fuck this. That's not for me, you know. You go to one parade, you're good. Right. You know, you get pickpocketed. That's New York City.

You know, you got to go with hands in pockets. and fucking, they don't even take you Yamika. They don't give a fuck at New York City on St. Patty. They just, you know, I always had something to do on St. Paddy's. I ended up at the bar. There's a lot of Coke at the bar, too.

You don't have to drink. You can snore Coke and St. Patty don't give a fuck, Jack. Coke, Riefer. You know, I was going to go with my brother somewhere yesterday with Crazy Chris, but the girls had nowhere to go until about 3.34. So I went with them and we went to my friends and they caught they had the fucking bread and the corn beef. And, you know, it was, it was fun.

You know, I just, if you think I'm going to go into the city or into one of those parades, you go to one of those parades, you go to one parade. You've seen them all. Has anyone ever asked you to be in a parade? No. I can't imagine you on like a truck or something, like a float waving at people. No. That's too embarrassing. I think about Kennedy too much.

much. You know me, dog. Last guy who waved the people was John F. He didn't end too good. You better have a hood on that car. I don't want my head out. Look at this target. Fucking one-eyed fucking Duke could hit this with a fucking slingshot. You know what I'm saying? Dude, people, I had multiple people this weekend

tell me that I had a normal, like a head of a normal size human being. That's very nice. No, no, it's not. That's very nice. They told you that. I love I think it's time to put a wig on what do you think

like a little we'll take you the head club for men though shave the back of your back oh that that's what

shave your back you don't even have to like grow a beard and nothing we'll shave your back your shoulders

your buttocks that's got to be like a fucking an afro right there and we'll just put it on your head fucking they got they do miracles today

what was that UFC fighter who has about the afro? Remember he was like a skinny black dude, like Bruce Leroy or something? Oh yeah, yeah, Bruce Leroy. I, like if they shaved my back, I would have

I could have so much. Let's call head club for men. I'll call them tomorrow. See if they can use the back follicles. They'll do some fucking acupuncture or shoot a little stem cell in there. Within a month, you'll be looking like Ringo Star and 66, you know what I was going to ask? What sort of style should I do? You should do more.

from the three students? Yeah, Moe. Moe what up? Joe, could you pull up Mo? Because I don't know which one Mo is. He says, I can't, I think my face is too. He's at the success right now for you. There's Mo.

If I fucking, you know, you can't be curly, you know, and you can't be fucking the other guy. He's going bald and he has a hat. But you would be a perfect fucking moe right there. Oh, that's the one. I don't want to have that one. I'm too bad to have that hairdo. Listen, you'd sell out arenas with that headdoll 24.

These kids pay for anything when you look weird. Give yourself a half of Hitler mustache. Forget about it. Go out there and tell them you the Jew of the year with the Hitler mustache or Mohandu. Forget about it. Who's better than you? You show up with a Mohandu and a cape on? What?

I think I might have to get you a cape. You love capes. I got a couple of them right now. How can you never wear them? because I get shot on site. No, you could pull off the cage. I'm going to do voodoo rituals or sexual experimentation.

Are you following any of this motherfucking you know, what's going to happen this month here on NCAA, final four and all that shit? I would love to. You don't any idea where you're leaning to? I don't, to be honest, dude, I haven't watched college basketball.

I would love to know what's going on. I just know that it's fucking huge and it was my least favorite time to watch SportsCenter. Greg Garcia sent me a thing today. It's a pool he does every year. Okay. When you win six Gs, you keep a G and you give five grand to my favorite charity.

You know, it's a good deal, but I couldn't even figure out how to log in. Like, I never enter pools, but I was at my friend's house yesterday and they were talking about who's good at basketball this year. Okay. I was listening.

You know me, one of you was listening. to the kids. The other year was listening for any inside information. Did you get any? Like, isn't there like 70 teams or something? There's like a lot of teams.

I think so. I forget. 64. Okay. 64, your mother's a whore. That's a good number. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, give me a moment here.

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We're back, bitches. So anyway, in the beginning of the podcast, we were talking about the bummed people fucking hit us with when you live in Hollywood. And I felt really, like, tell the people the truth, how many fucking times did you try to get me to do one of those levels and before the pandemic? I'm talking in the beginning. All you motherfuckers were saying, why don't you go on that site?

You take $2,000 from people and you send them a poster when the movie's done and all. And I was like, guys, just give me a gun. It's easier. I don't want to rob people. These people forget they gave you $2,000 10 years ago. And now you come up with them.

And that's what happens with those things. Right. You invest, they send you a picture, an autograph picture, playing the ukulele on the thing? You're supposed to be impressed? And then me and my buddy's got to shoot it. We got to save on the editor.

You're not going to get any promo on it. It's the people who are in the movie and their websites. It's a fucking nightmare. And let me tell you something. I was part of a hundred of them. Not the investment shit. But I was part of a hundred of those. Look at my fucking resume.

A hundred of those movies that this is a movie. It's a hundred a day. It's going to turn into a sitcom. We're going to have a big premiere. Dog, I never heard from those people again. Not even a fucking friendly, fuck you. So that's why when people hit me up with those things, I wish them a lot of luck.

Because you might as well take your money and give it to draft kings. Or just, at least with draft kings, you have a chance. With everything else, you could light it on fire. See, about 15 years ago, the girl from, Clint Eastwood did a movie where he was a boxing trainer

and he trained that girl how to box and then at the end somebody hit her in the head and ended up in the hospital and shit Million dollar baby I think Million dollar baby, okay the girl that became a star and that was I mean she was already a star when she got that movie

but how she got on the was she did a $100 a day movie when they were just making $50, 15 or 20 of them a year. She got like a little fucking package or a TV show out of it or something. So that was always their selling point.

Yeah, we'll give you 100 dollars a day. And then when this turns into a movie, you're rich. I got a movie right now on that fucking IMDB that I saw about a year ago. I forgot I even did it. You know how I remembered? I saw the trailer to another movie.

And I go, this sounds familiar. and I got up and I went to IMDB. I shot the short with fucking real actors. You know I shot that with fucking Bubba from Bubba, the black dude from fucking Far as Gum? That's how I met Ed Quinn. Jesus. Yeah, I was on this thing for a couple days.

And that's how I met Seifu, the karate teacher from fucking, my Santeria dude Yeah, that's how I met these dudes On that project This was like It was one of those You got 100 a day

They kept calling me To go to UCLA to rehearse I'm not going I'm there for a hundred a day of allers You know, it was easy mafia lines And guess what? They got the budget They redid the movie

They didn't use none of us Not Bubba Not me Not A Quinn I was there fucking 10 hours You know And they're This is why you start.

You don't get bitter. It's not that you get bitter towards it, but it's like, I got better things to do now. I wish I had four days to give you in a movie. I wish, you know, Joey, I got this thing. I got a great director and this guy. If you could just do it, it'd be really quick. I know it would be really quick. You know what really quick is?

Five hours. Because nobody's getting paid. Right. So this guy's running late. This guy's going to get here. The light heat brought. ain't going to work because he just brought it from a different job and he didn't charge it.

I've been there, Lee. And then at the end of all that, you don't hear from these people ever again. Fuck. Is it like, I'm so saying you don't. Okay. When they hit you up and they go,

hey, we got into the, you know, Mountain Fest Film Festival, would you mind making a video for it or something? And you're like, dog, I did that movie five fucking years ago. I haven't heard from you. Right. Like it was supposed to be a TV show on ABC.

How did we get to the Mountain View Cemetery film festival? Is it almost like you can smell it? It's not that you're like negative for them, but you're like, this is just not going to work. You know, I never believed in making you do my dream. Because what happens is yes. I might, listen, I might get this book. The deal is dead, by the way. We have no deal with nobody, which is good.

Listen, I did good enough on the book. I'm very proud of the book. I don't want it to end bad. They want to approach me. Somebody who's going to really like that story is going to approach me. And then we'll do it. Until then, I'd rather just leave it as it is. It was a good experience.

Okay? Okay. What are we talking about? About bad projects. Not bad, but just projects you know are going to fail. Okay. And he said you didn't want people to do stuff for your dream or like. All right.

So let's say that project went. It doesn't go. And right now somebody's watching the podcast and they're like Joey Diaz. I got $800,000 and my father's got a million to invest. What do you think? And I get kind of greedy and I go, let's do it. Now I'm not going to get nothing for fucking getting the film. I might get like 60 grand for the script.

Okay. They got a license to book or something and I'll live on that. But then we're going to find out that, you know, they want to get Sophia Vergara. They want to get this one. These people don't come for free. No. They ain't going to listen to do this one for 100, and the next one will take care of you. They don't play that shit.

They want their money. And that million or $2 million budget, you ain't going to work. Fuck. That one point, somebody's got to work for free. And then when we were about to shoot it, the kid calls. He lost $800,000 in the stock market. So he's got to pull his money. So now the father goes,

well, if my son can't do it. And there's a week before you already fucking hired people because that's that worldly. Yeah. Then what happens is I get a call. Here's what's happening. We'll get back to you. And a year later, I get a call.

Hey, come to the table read. We got the money. You get to the table read, great actors. And also, they're like, we didn't get the original financing. We got $400,000, which is $100 a debt. and if you guys don't mind signing over it, it would really help us. What is that mean?

You don't get paid? Yeah, I don't mind signing over a check. But at least finish the fucking project. Right. It's come to me 10 years from now and go, I just got a call from a movie I did 20 years ago. Did you really? 20 fucking years ago.

And what did they want? We're going to redo something? And I don't know. because like that gives me anxiety that you said like they they would cancel a week before did you ever cancel a comedy weekend for like an acting thing and then they they come up like the day before and cancel the whole thing in 2009 or 10 I was going to a real rough patch okay I was doing stand-up I wasn't at the store I was kind of doing it flying my buy

by the seat of my pants, you know. And a lot of people don't know this story, I'll drop it on you. Okay. And I get a call from Gabriel Laces, and he goes, listen, I need a favor. I'm working Sacramento Punchline. Can you headline, co-headline with another comic on Wednesday and Thursday? I'll come up Friday and headline the rest of the weekend and pay your headline money. Nice.

I'm like, this is fucking great. I flew up Thursday morning, Southwest. We stay at that hotel. We stayed many a time. Uh-huh. The Stairmaster and the two dumbbells in the fucking gazebo. That's their luxurious gym. A standmaster that clicks on the way up.

Anyway, I get there. Wednesday night, fucking great show. The comic and I get along. Thursday morning, we got radio. Okay. All of a sudden were cool until the radio station. During the winter, we're on air. He starts saying a couple things that I get it, but why would you say?

You know? On radio. On radio. Now, at the time, I'm clean about a year. I'm not walking around with a soda telling anybody because I know I'm a fucking junkie and I can be snorting again in two days. So why blow my cover? I'm clean and at this thing he's talking about this. I think it's a complete different Adam Sandler

fucking joke. Like he's trying to be cute. And in the radio station they go, let's break. Let's take a two minute break. And right there I turned and I go, do we have a fucking problem? And we got up right there in the radio station. We're going to fucking duke it out. Fuck. The one manager took me home. The other man, they're going to call Gabriel and figure out what they're going to do. Gabriel calls me back. He goes, can you work with him tonight? I go, yeah, you know, for you, I'll do anything.

I hang up with Gabriel. I go get lunch at the sushi place. I come back and I got a message. And it's like a complete different agent. He's not even my agent. Calls me. He goes, Joey, they're looking for you. You have to go in today to read.

It's for, my name is Earl. Wow. So you have to fly to L.A. and go back up there. When is the audition? We'll get it in for you as early as possible. And as Huluzi Land, call us from Burbank,

and we'll pick it. It was perfect. It was Maj Gibrani's manager. Good dude. So I'm like, why don't my agents call me? At that time, I had like 22 agents.

You know, none of them called. I'm furious. Like, I'm flabagast. And I go down there, I meet Greg. I read the lines. We laugh.

And I'm not even, home yet and I booked apart. It's four episodes. Okay, yeah. I get home now. It's Friday. It's probably 11 o'clock. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, what am I going to do? I try to call Gabriel to see if I can hop on the plane with them, whatever, you know.

And I worked Wednesday and Thursday. The audition was Friday. So you went home Friday morning? Yes. And that afternoon, as I'm figuring, figuring out how to get to Sacramento, I got a call from Joe Rogan. And he goes, hey, bro, I'm in a pinch. Ari can't do this weekend. He booked the commercial.

Can you do the shows? I'll pay you this amount to cover for him. Not a way. Fuck, yeah. So two nights I was in Sacramento. I went down, booked the roll, and then I went back to San Francisco with Joe. We did probably six shows. I didn't mind Sunday nights because fucking. And it was just a one-hour flight home.

I don't want to fall across country on a Sunday night. So that's why I would stay for Sundays. And like, I know you and Gabriel are cool now. Did he have an issue with you cancelling? No, because he was going to have eight comics on the schedule anyway. Okay. We were just going to do 10 minutes. It was like his regular openers, me and the other guy were both going to do.

I don't want to be around the other guy the rest of the fucking weekend. And later on, we made up. But he was always had some. type I had a monocity towards me. I tried. I tried to be, you know, I knew where he was coming from. I know what the situation was. But did I ever quit a comedy room? I think so. Wow. Early on and it caused a lot of havoc. You quit midweek? No, I remember I got into the beef with the Booker from Texas. I don't have to go fuck himself on the phone because he threatened me. He said, if you don't come down, he's never going to work again for anybody.

towards the last two years of my addiction, I would call you at 11 in the morning and tell you, I'm coming to pick you up. And, you know, I canceled. In fact, I got a call from an old friend that had a club. And one day I told him I even landed. And he was driving around the airport for three hours

looking for me. I was in my house. He kept calling me. I'm going to, I'm here. Where are you? The West Side. He finally figured out. Joey's not here.

And then I was supposed to play the other club. the following week in the same area. Okay. And the same thing happened. I had to get up and call him and go, I'm coming. I wasn't even getting in the car. There's no way I would make it through security. No way.

I was that fucked up. Fuck. And this is when I wasn't taking this shit seriously, you know. And that's why I had nothing. Because they know, you know, these guys are like, we don't know if he's going to show up or not. I was terrible like that. I can't imagine calling someone on the phone being like I'm here.

What was it like? And then it just not, it took him three hours to realize that maybe Joey is not on this airport. The guy in Houston, I told him I would call him when the plane landed. He called me after like two hours. I've been circling around. When are you landing?

I'm still up in the air. I love it. Another time I was in my, Miami for two fucking weeks. Okay. Going hard. Going hard. Yeah.

It was every night, stories, drinking 6 a.m. Fuck. The fucking shark bar, you know. And I had like four weeks in a row. I had, I had, I had fucking Miami for the improv. Okay. But by this time, they closed the funny bone in Buffalo. So I was going to the Yoder had a club in Buffalo.

And it was $450, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And then I had to get back to like fucking Cleveland by bus. I'm like, what the fuck? And one time I made a mistake. I was in Miami for two or three weeks getting fucked up. And I had to go to Cleveland. and here I am in fucking 78 degree weather, sleeping with the balcony open.

I got to Cleveland. I can't even leave my fucking condo for the first day. It was snowed in. I'm like, why don't they even fucking come here? I'm a stupid fucking feature act. I should have checked the weather. There was no show that night. I had like $10.

Everything was closed. I'm walking up a hill with a fucking half a winter jacket. I was, I can't imagine going crazy. like six in the morning and then doing shows that night? I can't. Anything. Dog, when I was, at that time, I was damaged goods. And even if I snorted until three and I slept and I made it to the airport,

then I get to the hotel and I sleep a few hours and I'd be okay. It was such a big difference than doing comedy shows sober, the respect I had for comedy. Listen, I never had a beef with comedy at all. I was always very good. and at the end I always delivered. But those first couple years, and this is what I was talking about on the Patreon podcast today,

that whether it's alcoholism, whether it's pills, whether it's drugs, whether it's sex, you could do comedy through all that stuff for a long time, but one day, it could be at the 12-year mark or at the 20-year mark

when you're really rocking that this shit's going to knock on your door. And that's why you've got to, I got to this, listen, I snorted Coke 10 years too much. I did Coke 16 years while I did comedy. And I wish I would have done 10. You don't wish you never did it? I can't do that.

I can't bring that back. Okay. What would have been the difference if you only did it 10? I would have gotten a little farther. I would have gained some ground early on, you know. I would have done a pre-year-old. premium blend. I would have done something, a little

couple more things. People are taking me seriously. That's crazy that Coke had that much of an effect, you think. Because once the club owners know, they're going to pass it on to their favorite comics. And once the comics start talking, one day somebody's going to call them and go, hey, we got this show on HBO. What do you think about Lee Syatt?

I'm starting to hear things about Lee Syatt, you know? And unless somebody really believes in you, Like Hardy in the last season of crashing. You know, all the stories that are coming out about Tony Soprano now, you know, God rest is so. I don't want to talk about bad about the guy. The guy's dead. Some dude wrote a book about every time they had to fucking lock up the set or whatever.

You know, I bet they all wish they had a chance to do it legitimately. And I had that chance. I had that chance from scratch. I stopped in 2007. I had two years to clear my mind. And I think this whole thing started again for me in like 2010, 2011. I didn't get back into the store until 2014.

Right. So that just goes to show you. You can get a lot farther without, and we all have vices. You didn't get into comedy because you don't have a vice. Okay? Somewhere along the line, we got short of the card.

you know, some of us like young girls, some of us like drugs, some of us like blowjobs, some of us like gambling. Some people like gambling and blow jobs and heroin. Some people, you know, it's a really, one of the things about comedy that I got to see was when I was featuring, I got to, like in 2000, I was still featuring, but I was ready to have a lot of material-wise. I wasn't ready I had a line.

I'm lying to you. But I was a very good feature. And I was getting a lot of work. And it was a tour where I was doing, not a tour. But for like four weeks in a row, I got to work with old stars from the comedy store. Okay. With Kennison, banging it out with.

And if I had to pick out what all four of them, why they weren't stars and why they were in a fucking D room now instead of an A room like the rest of them, you know, two of them were degenerate gamblers. I mean, from the minute they woke up, you had to give them wrong. I was a feature act with a car. I didn't.

They'd rent the car, but they didn't have a license. You know, it was fucking endless. I got a lot of work because I had a license at one point because they'll rent the car, but you got to drive the fucking, you have to put the car in your name, you know, or whatever, however they didn't. that just insanity

guys that would drop every line every listen I'm not going to say I wasn't doing coke but I went back to the fucking condo at two these guys stayed out to 8 in the morning and then I would hear that let's say they got 1,500 for the week

by the time they got that they only had 500 because they had been taking advances on the road if that's what I'm going to do, I'm not going to do this anymore. That's no way to do comedy. That's just not good. That's just not good.

There was a ton of them when I was a feature act that was still lurking. And there was one guy that just pissed me off someone. This guy was a legend. I grew up watching him on Showtime with Rodney and shit. And I got to L.A. I heard all the stories of him at the store. He was very funny. And one night he tried to bump me at the LA at the Laugh Factory.

And I was like, I'm not doing it. I just held my ground. I'm not doing it. And he always seemed a little fucking weird. Now they start with the text message. You just, who the fuck is this jerk off? All right. Yeah.

And what was I saying, Lee? You said one guy was trying to bump you and you weren't going to take it. You're talking about the bad at him. And then, you know, he did something else at the store one night. And this guy was one of my guys. one of my guys and then I went to Florida. I went, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was in Myrtle Beach.

Okay. At the comedy cabana. And the owner came up to me. And I was featuring and there was a headline. And the owner came up to me. We were sitting together. One of the best headliners I ever worked that thought of Chicago. I can't remember what his name is.

Clean. And he came over and he goes, listen, this comic is coming in. And we both looked at him like, no. And he goes, yeah, he's coming in. He wants to do a guest. and sell CDs. Now, at this time, it had to be 2003. I'm still snorting.

You know, I don't think I was snorting that night. And he came in with his ego. You know, you guys worked on me. And I, yeah, you know who I am. He started with that shit. Yeah, I saw him on the run. He brought a woman that had been fucked by every biker gang in fucking the country, okay?

she stunk she was nasty she had a removable fang like a tooth that she was spinning around in her mouth it was not good it was not good guys this is something that you're sitting there going if this is what i'm going to become let me shoot myself now so it gets better he goes up there with those jokes that he has not rewritten in 20 years since i saw him on showtime and he did these 10 20 minutes minutes and he died. Holy shit. Add insult to injury. At the end of the show, he's back there selling CDs. I thought he would have left. Did anyone buy the CD? Listen, people are still coming out and they're talking to the headliner.

I'm sitting at the bar and I'm watching all this. And he comes over to his girlfriend and he goes, babe, I've only got like four CDs. So let me sell four more and we'll go to that guy's house and get you a little. hooked up. They were getting the, that's all he was doing it for, was a package. He finally went back, he sold zero CDs. He went to the owner and he goes, dog, I did some time tonight. You at least got to give me a $100 bill. And the owner knew about him felt bad from the game 100 just to get, all right, see you next time, bye. And he left with that girl. If I had to do that now, after I saw my friends fucking do great things, think about it. Yeah. I saw 10 of my friends do great.

things from Ralphie made to fucking Ken Chung I remember him at at Ralphie's wedding goofing with us he was just doing comedy at the last factory look at him now he's on fucking mass singer you know I saw the

I saw the magic I saw the miracle well it's interesting that you because I was thinking about that is that like I try to learn from every headliner but it's also like I've learned like stuff I'll see I'm like oh if I was was if I'm ever the headliner, I'm never doing that.

You sit down and you go, but then you look at his career and you go, now I know why. Yep. Now I know why he's in a basement in Connecticut on a Friday night watching me bum. And a lot of play, yeah, just little things, it's crazy to see and it's crazy that. It's weird. Like, I just picture you as always killing. And I know, I know that's not possible, but it's hard for me to think of, like, imagine, you know,

It's hard for me to imagine Chris Rock bombing. People have been sending me a K-Loco tape. Uh-huh. That one of those people released, one of those greedy bastards released. Because the kid died. He died of cancer. The kid who was hosting those shows. Okay.

And, dog, I've been getting hit from everybody. I see it on, I saw it on YouTube, and I refused to click into it. What happened? going back there. I don't ever want to see that in my life. What, like, do you mind talking about what happened? I don't, because I don't...

Nothing happened. It was just... I don't know. I don't... I remember that set. I think I probably got $500 for that. Everybody thinks we shot at New York. We shot that show at the ice house. Really? Yeah. And it was either

my first or my second time doing it. I don't know. I don't know what happened. It was okay. But in my world, I don't want to see that guy. Is it about? I don't want to see that guy. Not even in fucking photographs,

do I want to see that guy. Is it about comedy or just about where you were at that time? It's about the whole patois, where I was. You know, you might see me smile up there during that set. There was nothing to smile about. That was nothing to smile about. I was living in a basement, probably crashing at Ralphies or fighting with my girlfriend or, you know, I was broke. That's why I did that fucking show.

You know, you always, when you start off, I'm not doing anything until I get to HBO. Wait, you got to pay rent, bitch, and snort code. You'll be doing the late night fucking local cable spots. You don't give a fuck because it's all towards your dream. So I did that. I don't remember what came out. of my mouth. I don't want to remember. I don't want to see that person.

That was a broken fucking person up there. But the only thing I want to see that tape, which one night I'll probably break down late and watch a minute of it, is to see I don't know. Like, what do I want to see

from that? I don't know. Well, you could look at it the other way. Like, you could look at the growth of, like, I don't know how many years ago that was, but a long time ago. That had to be 25, 26 years ago. I get a headache just thinking about that time in my life.

It was before Terry. Really? It was a contract we just signed. God knows where they had it. God knows how many times they had it. And all those early things, you get ripped off the debt. But it's like, I want to see what that person is, but I don't know. Because that was a fuck that.

You know, I was still recovering from my divorce. I was still recovering. from fucking not seeing my child. I was recovering from learning how to live in Hollywood. You know, I got, I'm at the comedy store. What are they going to find out? I'm a fucking fake. When are they going to find out?

What are they going to, you know, in 99, what people don't know is, I don't know. That was the time in 99. I couldn't even come to New York because one of my friends got arrested. One of my guns, something. One of my friends, I sold a gun to sold the gun from 1987, the guy had records, and somebody got shot with it,

and they came out to L.A. and they talked to me at the comedy store, and Duncan was the talent coordinator, and he remembers, and he's like, I don't know. Going into 99, I didn't know what was going to happen. And you were supposed to get on stage and be funny during that time? And I was.

I was getting on stage fucking every night. Jesus. Twice a night, three times a night. That was the only thing that was keep me alive. Would that anxiety fuel you, do you think? Like, is that why you're like getting annoyed before sets? I had no fucking idea.

I have no fucking idea, but it was just, did they talk to you at the comedy store before your set? No, I was down there and they called the comedy store. Okay, I thought like you were like talking to the FBI and then you had to go do 15 minutes.

Duncan was like, somebody called today, asking about your times. Here I'm thinking it's fucking Paramount. The NYPD. Yeah, I'm going down there at Paramount. I get down there. I do my set. I don't remember what

I can't. I'm lying to you. I don't remember. I really don't remember. I know I spoke to them off the property. I didn't want nobody talking to see me talking to cops. They didn't have a uniform done. They worked in L.A. They got a call from New York and L.A. to come see me.

They were FBI guys. And they just wanted to know what happened. I told them the truth. I bought the gun in 86. I go, offices, God knows when I sold it. But I signed the paperwork, whatever. Woo. That, you know.

I love it. And then they said, we'll get back to you. Then they sent me like a letter. And then I was really worried during the holidays of 98, 99. That's when the store reopened because they, they closed the liquor license. I'm up there doing comedy and there's no liquor. They're drinking $7.00.

How much do you have to work to get somebody a smile when they paid $7? I'm going to fucking Coke. You know, so I talk to people sometimes. I tell them that, yeah, yeah. I was hooked on all this shit and I was doing all this shit, but at the same time, all my other energy I had left off from drugs

and whatever else I was doing was all common. I didn't give a fuck about my health. Right. That's why I ended up 350 fucking pounds. I knew I wasn't sleeping, but it didn't bother me. I knew I was smoking three packs of cigarettes a day. I knew I was snorting anywhere from an eight ball to a quarter ounce a week. It was just not good.

So why do I want to see that fucking person? Right. I don't want to see that demon duster. I don't want to see that demon duster. dog. It's nice to see, like, people can change, though. Because, like, you always hear that. Like, people don't change.

And, like, it changed. But that doesn't matter. I don't want to see that motherfucker. There's no reason to look in your rearview mirror. When the longest yard comes on and it's on at night up, you know, that's one thing. I was still a Coke fiend then, but I was a decent Coke fiend at that thing. You know, there was a difference. I can limit that.

When I see Grudge match. It's a horrible movie, but I can live with that. I was very, we had the podcast going. We took everybody in the movies. Yeah. On Christmas Day when it came out, you know, there's some things I don't mind looking at. There's some shit I look at and it goes right back to who was that person then. Oh, oh boy.

Look at that lump in my sock. Everybody thought it was just my calf. That's a fucking a lot of money. I'm going to buy drugs or something stupid. I'm 16 fucking years old. You know, I don't want to see that shit. I don't want to see that shit. What do you got this week?

Beautiful. This week, the 21st of the 23rd, I'm opening for Josh Wolf at Zanis in Nashville for the first time. Very, very excited to go there. Very exciting club. Don't forget to get the chicken. From which place? They're going to drop it off. Although, perfect.

Don't drop it all. It'll be there Thursday night. If I know anything about Mr. Dorfman, he's the best. Let me tell you something. I did comedy on the road for a long time. And I met him in 98, you know? Okay. And I liked him, but when I left, I go,

this motherfucker is just too nice. Oh, cool. I see a knife somewhere. I see him, nobody's this fucking nice. At that time, no club owner would talk to you. You know, he would have a conversation with you and watch a show with you. As the feature? Yeah, and talk.

to you. Nice. I was there with Stanhope and Stephen Seagal was in town. He was going to come by and crack a few, I know, he's going to play the guitar. At the show? Yeah, I ate, I ate a bag of dick seven minutes in, dog. That's when it was the real Bible belt. Now, you could say anything in Nashville. Did you have to follow Steven Seagal with the guitar? No, no, no, no. He was coming for the 10.30 show. Got it. Okay. I had to go up there off an MC and then open up to Stanhope. Okay. And I died. And then I was watching Stanhope, and he was killing for about 18 minutes, and then it just went flat. And I'm like, what the fuck happened to both of our shows? Because I had him in the beginning about something.

I know I said pussy, and they were gone. And then when I went home, like, that week, I only had one night there with him. Okay. And like a week later, I thought about it. And I go, that's the same thing that happened to me in Atlanta. that's the same thing that happened to me somewhere else in the South. It's the Bible Belt. And I just made a mental note.

I ain't ever coming back. That would suck the bomb in one spot. I don't have to come back. That was the excuse I gave myself. As a comedy store regular, 12 to 13 years to the game. Now I'm lying to you. Maybe 11, 12 years in.

That's how I wasn't demented, but at least I was like, yeah, I'm not going to do the Bible Belt no more. Well, when things started picking up, I went to the Bible Belt, and now I killed. Right. And it was how I was looking at it. That's all it was. I wasn't experienced enough to look at it that way. And let's be honest, it changed.

It opened up more. The thinking opened up more. Same thing with wise guys in Utah, great club. For years, they wouldn't bring any R-rated acts in there. to call the guy and go, let's do a door deal. If I don't make a dime, you don't make a dime. Next thing you know, there was a fucking 200 people there. We got something to work with.

People want to see dirty comedy. People want to see edgy shit. People want to smoke dope. They want to scratch their balls and sniff their fingers. It's motherfucking Friday, Jack. Me, I'm going to go up Thursday. I got a spot. Nice.

I'm doing a guest set. And maybe Wednesday night, I'll go out. I'm not sure yet. and then go ahead I'm sorry no go ahead I was just going to ask

if you were bringing CDs to the guest set CDs yeah you just told that story about that comic who did a guest and brought CDs to I'm not going to even

demand the dying you know he's going over to see the headline he's my buddy it's 30 minutes away why not that's awesome so you're saying you have two sets this weekend there

I will never take I don't even have CDs left. I know. I think there's some shit around here, but I ain't selling that stuff. Fuck no. I'll donate it to the fucking box by the fire department.

Some fucking Mexican migrant will put it on and hear some words. He's never at the fucking shelter. Or they'll bring it to the other Jewish shelter where they had those hookers hidden downstairs. You never heard anything about those Jews again. They just disappeared.

They vanished. Thank God. I don't know what, I don't want to know what was going on down there. They were building the trench of death. They're taking it back, you know what I'm saying? I love you, cock suckers. Have a great week.

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