The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - I got fired for showing my b*lls and flying through the air

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

This week on The Check In, Joey Diaz tells Lee about the experiences, good and bad, he has had doing open mics, his thoughts on Katt Williams, Jo Koy, and what he used to dream about. Lee asks Joey about his first time working in Las Vegas and Joey get's in Lee's head. Try Blue Chew for free at https://www.bluechew.com, promo code JOEY The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz 

So I cleaned the bong out. I prepared for this reefer. It came. I put it in a little wooden jar. I let it cultivate for a little while because I had some other weed in the grinder. And then I fucking got that weed out last night about 6 o'clock. I recleaned the bong. And there was nothing really in the bun, but I wanted the fresh new fucking baboon.

I hit that bong hit three times. Guys, I had a whole, you get those popcorn things for Christmas. and it comes with Steve with three things, caramel, cheese and garlic. I ate the whole garlic last night. It was like creature feature. My hand was down to the fucking bottom. It was just pouring out.

Then I made this a half a salami sandwich because I'm watching my weight. You know what I'm saying? So a piece of bread. And as I was going to bed, I could go on, I better go out there and make another sandwich because I'm going to get up in the middle of night.

No, I pass the fuck out. I got it before thirsty as a motherfucker. I haven't had salami at night in years. What's happened, you savages? It's Uncle Joey here. It's Tuesday, the night of January. A beautiful day to be alive. Let's talk some business here.

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speaking of being the best that you can be this episode is also brought to you by Fuji.ghi, whatever, Fujigee.com. Listen, from day one, I've used the Fuji ghee. If you're thinking of joining jujitsu and you're a little bit of a big dude, go to Fuji. They got the ghee for you.

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Let's get this party started, Jack. Where's Lee Syed at? I put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can fucking rule the world. I see you got to be thinking. Welcome back to show. What up? Hey, buddy.

Happy Monday, my friends. I know. It's a good Monday, too. It's like stuff is coming back to normal now. Yeah, you got like 92 inches of snow. Fuck that. I got nothing but fucking rain, a little sleet. I was excited.

You didn't get you? No, we got Dick down here in central Jersey. Western Jersey got like fucking as much snow as you did. We got nothing. On Saturday, I had to go to a game with her on Saturday. Sorry, Lee. Okay. You're fine.

I got back. It was 8, 9.30, quarter to 10. And I told somebody at the game, I go, let me tell you something. It's going to start snowing before 3 o'clock. You know, it's already like, it's already like, like cold on your hands. And I laid down for now. When I got up, there was already snow on the grass in the backyard.

So I thought it was sticking. I started yelling. I was excited. I ran out. I said some rain. And then it's going to keep raining tomorrow. By Wednesday it's going to rain. Fucking Noah is going to pull up with the arch.

Who the fuck knows anymore? It's January and I'm getting fucking rain. See, I understand that. but to be like and I sound like such a dick when I'm like I hate snow as a kid it's fun as like sledding it's great but when you're like I just think back to living in Boston and walking through the snow and like now as an adult having to like shovel shit out it's very pretty and it's cool like it's fun now with her kids like you feel like it's fun to watch them have fun but I'd much rather be in 75 80 degree weather Oh, there's everybody.

Not everybody. Some people like it. Nutsacks. No, who the fuck wants to be in the cold weather when you could be in a room but getting your nuts licked by your calada? You fucking crazy. But if life was that easy, everybody would be there. See, that's what happened when Adam and Eve bit the apple.

We would have lived in fucking paradise. But if they wouldn't have taken the apple from the fucking snake, you know, once they bit the apple, we'll fuck. We've got to go to work. People fucking bleed once a month. You know, you got to go, shopping like regular people and stand online on shop, right? It's all over.

If things would have been different, can you imagine room service is free? You just ring a fucking bell, bring me a stake, and take this chick out and bring me another one or a fucking Chinese woman. You know what I'm saying. Do you have like a dream life? Is that your dream? Like if you snapped your fingers, no? I had one dream growing up.

Moving to Columbia, Snoke and Coke to my eyeball popped out. That was it. I wanted to send a postcard home next to the big. figure coach rock in the world. But like a number one, like I found it. That's my fucking dream. All right. After that, I mean, listen, man,

what would you do on a fucking island all day? Do an open mic for yourself? It don't pan out. Well, I'm that kind of, like, I'm the asshole who every time I buy a lottery ticket, I plan it out. I would still do comedy if I won the lottery. If I was like one of those $1 billion,

I would 100% still do comedy. I have a private jet, but I would do, sure you would like that like that would like that would yeah to the fucking Tuesday night folleys and Chinese restaurant

and Paris fucking plane did you imagine getting a helicopter to open I'm like fucking Dante in L.A.

used to come into Mazzarotti Dante he owns that cool store that he's that Asian dude he's great a great comic in L. that's right Dante the Korean kid

yeah crazy kid God but listen man you know the truth is what the fuck he going to do on an island. Right.

Listen, unless you got like, like my man, when he worked for the fucking Escobas, the Hitler guy that got it like Hitler, he had that island out there. And he was just fucking bitches and snort and coke

and having all geez and listen to John Lennon music. That's, but he also, plus he also had $250 million a bank. Big fucking difference, you know. You don't have a worry in the world. But that's what I'm talking about.

Like, imagine you had that in the bank. Do you ever daydream about that or that's not even, you don't daydream much? You know why, man, because it's so funny that you said that. Because I was thinking about being the kid, being 23, 27 and going, I can't wait to get money. I can't wait. I'm not going to lose these girls to these fucking old guys no more. I have a fucking car. I'm going to have a butler.

I'm not going to get married. You know, you have all these dreams and whatever. I'm going to have a test of Rosa. I'm going to pull into clubs and people are going to jump up and down. I'm the king of the VIP. Yeah. And then you get there. And you're like, this is fucking out of my mind.

I don't want to do this shit. And it's the same thing with money, man. I was thinking about, like, when I hit the jackpot in 98 with that Taco Bell commercial. Right. Well, that has a lot of money, Lee, I made. And, like, after the first $100,000, I was like, all right, so for three months, I've eaten well. I've snorted Coke. I bought some clothes.

But I'm still the same piece of shit. I'm still going to wake up with proms tomorrow. And then I met, listen, man, I opened up a couple of comics that are fucking filthy rich. Right. And, you know, I saw where they got after they had all. that money. And it's not paradise by the dashboard light. You know, it's a big money, big problems. I totally get that. And I, I can imagine it, but I can totally understand that it's not going to completely change my life. And I'm doing fine financially. I know there's people doing

a lot worse. But when you, like, just that sentence that you said after the first $100,000, that's a great sentence. Like, I still think of like, that's, fucking awesome. And I know, like, at that time, Lee, $100,000 was $2 billion. Right. For me, it's still fucking a lot of money. But yeah, I see what you're saying. I've been making $8,000 a year for two or three years. Right.

You know, and you love something so much that you're like, I'm going to dress down. I'm not going to wear underwear. I'm going to wear the same socks two days on a row, you know, you make a lot of fucking, you make a lot of fucking sacrifices when you get into comedy. Right. You earn it for these guys that have become millionaires, whatever.

They fucking earned it, man. It's not easy, leaving your family and working towards a special and having Netflix tell you this, Netflix tell you that. People tell you what's comedy that they went to Syracuse for four years. Meanwhile, you've been shooting it out with comics for the last. 25 years and you started in a fucking saloon. But this guy gets out of Syracuse and now he's going to tell you what you should put in your set,

what's not allowed. Get the fuck out of my face. That's when it gets tricky, but we don't talk about that right now. Right. I did get on stage last week. Congrats, dude. I got the last Wednesday. You know, man, it was as cool as can be because I have five minutes.

Right? I just had five minutes. And Rich Voss met me. My brother, Joyce, so at least you're not there by yourself in an open mic and, you know, people asking your creepy questions and shit. So I went up after Danny Braff, a good kid, won some rooms around here. Nice. And then, and Danny Braff is a fucking great kid because from the minute I got off the plane, Danny Braff has been offering me work since day one. Like little gigs, who's going to be there? If you don't want to, we won't put your name on the bill. I just wasn't doing stand-up.

I had to go there and Rich brought him and it was great to meet the kid. And then I did my five minutes and it was great just to see young comics. I told you there was a guy that went up the first time. There was a guy that was there the third time. And believe it or not, you learn. I learned. Okay. So I have, because this is what my life is, is open mic.

So I have a lot of questions. But I guess let's start with that. What did you learn? I saw how when you're very green, how you hold your elbows. Your elbows aren't tucked in. Where are they? They're out when you're very green. Got it.

Okay. And that's the first sign when that wing goes up. Okay. Okay. And then, you know, your elbows tucked in. Right. When you do this, you're looking like a fucking stop sign, you know. They get directing the traffic.

The people are going to laugh at you. Like, what's going to stop at us? Right. So it's right here tucked in, you know, like you're going to shoot or, you know, whatever. I turned this fucking thing off. Whatever this is, I'm going to fucking kill him. I turned my phone off tonight. today I was getting text messages from my wife on this phone

like they weren't coming to me they were going to my wife okay I was getting them I said you gotta figure this out Lee I've shut the phone off you know for these people I'll be there in February am all right I don't know what the fuck is going on oh I saw I saw the nervousness yeah that I still see that I still feel okay that wasn't what the question that fucking, that shit goes away. You just learn to control it like I did that night.

So from watching those guys, those three guys and a woman go up and seeing them nervous, it taught me how to control my nerves because getting on stage, you're always going to be nervous. The top job isn't being funny. The top job isn't how you hold the microphone. The top job is letting them know that you're not breaking down inside. that one more minute of this I'm just going to dial 911

and when the fucking paramedics come to the left on that fucking bed like they have no idea what you're going through inside they have no idea that you don't have rent money they have no idea that you haven't seen your kid in a week or you know your wife

they don't know what's going on in your personal life so you have it's that control right there is what you get from repetitions bullshit and people And I'm saying it for real because you're letting me know you're not nervous. I'm accusing you of robbing $2 million from my drug cartel operation. Right.

You just got to tap on the shoulder that the guy wants to see you in the other room. You know what this is about. You're going to walk in like, what's going on? Nothing. Can you sit down for a second? Listen, man, somebody stole $2 million in Coke. You're the only one who's got access to it. Right now, you got to break down.

break down. You got to sell me on this. It's the same thing when you're on stage. You're fighting for your fucking life. So when you walk in here and you're like, what's up, Lee? Nothing. I'm missing $2 million. Are you accusing me? 20 years, we've been fighting.

What do you break out tears? You know? I swear to you. Who the fuck did they take it? I blame somebody else. Somebody's been doing something. Yeah, you can't, you can't like, that's a good, the reaction. But my question is what's the difference

to, because when you were describing it, I thought of the word confidence. What's the difference between confidence and control? They're both the same. They're both very much the same. You have to have the control to control your confidence and you have the confidence to control you.

So it's such a fucking great art. And it's such a thing to start. Because if you do comedy for 20, listen, When I talk to people about doing comedy for 20 years, doesn't mean you got to travel. Doesn't mean you got to have a manager. Doesn't mean you got to fucking argue with people for fucking 50 bucks.

You get a list and every week you go somewhere different. And every great while a comic says to you want to open for me on Wednesday night, you're pretty funny and you go down there. But you're just doing it. You know, this is, you would grow so much as a human being. I've noticed like there's a good amount of, I'm not going to say older. I'd say like middle age, like late 40s level people who have,

I've noticed at open mics. And they, like I don't think they have any interest, not interest, but expectation of doing anything more than what you're talking about. They just get a beer. They do the open mic. They do some shows.

During the week they write their jokes. They watch other comedians who they like. And they know that with their grandmother alive, she's got 20 million a will why would they want to go to L.A.? I'm just sitting here waiting for the winter blow the wrong way and grandma to fucking

spit up to the feet and I'm sitting here on an island getting my balls licked drinking a daquery, you know what I'm saying? Right, you can do open mics later. I'd have an interpreter, I'd have a joint roller, I'd have a bond cleaner,

I'd have somebody working on my fungi toenails. What do you need an interpreter for? I don't want to talk to nobody. I don't know what island I'm going to be on. I don't know these savages, you know what I'm saying? I just bought an island for a small 20 mil. I don't know what type of people are here. Okay, I didn't know.

I thought you'd have like a place to yourself. They got cups in their mouths. I don't know these people. I got to find somebody who knows these people. You know what I'm saying? Can you imagine yourself on that island with them? What would they think of you? Well, after about a month, they go.

This guy's out of his mind. He just wakes up, smokes pot. eats, smokes more pot, he fucking lifts a couple weights, and then he sits down again, smokes more pot, and he cracks jokes. This is insane. That's so funny.

I don't know. To be honest, I don't know how we got there. Interesting, we can't, freaking comedy. Oh, yeah. What are you going to say? Go ahead. Oh, no, no. I just have a lot of questions about the open mic, but I want, let's talk about this. Nice. Keep those questions going, because this is... Okay. I just like,

you made a decision to not call in you're not bumping anybody you're only doing five minutes like what it was because you could go there and do 20 and they'd be happy to have you do 20 30 minutes

that's not what it's about guy I'm not here to flex muscles on young guy what if fucking you show up tonight with your mother Athena the kids your brother your grand brother and I walk in

you got there at 7 you signed up. You're supposed to be number seven, and I walk in at number five. You know what, man? I got it done to me. Yeah. One of the things I'm writing in this book is

the biggest thing about being a comic, the way to really get respect is to earn respect. And that's to not run the light. That's to not piss on a guy's leg that's going up before you, you know. there's so many things that you see and when I got to the store it was when I first got there

it was like a light-a-thon people were running the light and I remember I wouldn't have more heart to do that not only that I just wanted to get on stage and get the fuck off right so as soon as I saw the first light wrap it up Doc suck it went on, blah-bop-bop

and right there some people go and you got another five minutes after that And I would go, no. Once I hit the light, it's all over the shot, maybe another minute, maybe another two minutes, but I never want to see that light flashing. Right, that you're late. You know, I tell people on time, I think I told you, one of the biggest lessons I learned that I never knew I was doing,

because you never know what you're doing when people are telling you to do things. And then 12 years later, you go, that motherfucker, you know, when I got to Seattle, I knew how to do 25 minutes. spot. Let's be up. Yeah. When I moved to Seattle, I probably had 18 because I lost seven minutes in Colorado. Right?

Okay. From the food. Right. You know, when I got to Seattle, the open mic was six minutes. If you went over a light man, Carl would tell you don't come back for two or three weeks. Wow. We're family here.

Don't fucking be cute. End it. And every once in a while, Carl would have to tell people don't come back for three or four weeks, you know. And I never ran the light then. And I went from the number two spot to the number 15 spot in a year and a half. And it was always me, Josh Woolford, Tena or Brody. It was always one of us.

But when the contest came along, I never heard those rules, Lee. Like the first week was you got five minutes. that light comes on at five minutes. When that second light comes on, that means it's six minutes. Every 10 seconds you do over six minutes, you've got a point taken away from you. Oh, wow, yeah. First couple nights, I would see people, they worked on a six-minute set. They worked the last 60 days, they've been working on a six-minute set, and they would go over.

and it was just a I never went over any of the nights but I was always very proud because then when I got to LA there were three minutes sets yeah they're still hard they're hard okay and that's a complete different education

but I could do 28 I did 28 at Chico Steakhouse last week listen give me a freaking give me a fucking breather just do the three minutes and let's get started there for right now and you look at that

and people would go home disappointed I'm not going to showcase I can't get to my material funny is funny she wants three minutes fucking rock a world I don't give a fuck if you drink gasoline go up on stage and fart

and fucking light the stage on fire I'm just saying you got three minutes and they kill Tony people are doing it in a minute now people are becoming stars off of one minute one minute one fucking minute

and that's I love that kill Tony does that. I applaud them for doing that. Because that teaches you to get to the fucking point. No shit about, hey, how are you doing tonight? You know, how about a round of applause for the troops? You're just killing time.

Right. You're just killing time. This teaches you to get up there and go, what's going on? My name is Lee Syatt? I'm not Jewish. Boom. Run the light from there.

It's 50 seconds of fucking machine gun flurries. Right. That's what I would do, and I would go down swinging. You have to. I've never done a minute set. That's a completely different thing. And then to do it in front of like a million people, that's also crazy.

Let me tell you something. A minute set when you're not used to doing that is fucking brutal. It's fucking brutal. You have to practice it. I think I had to do it like two times for like showcases to get on like some NBC thing. I told you in the early beginnings. I thought I was just going to get on a conference. and I was going to cut through everybody.

Right. Oh, I just need to do a contest. They just need to see me. I just need to do five minutes, and they'll put me on the Tonight Show. And the first time I showed up, a bunch of people had NBC shirts and shit. I signed my name, and I ran the fuck out of there, like a little pussy leak. It must have been terrifying. I get it.

But that's funny. And then I went for a national contest in Denver. And it was like two minutes. And it was three people looking at you. Yeah. And then the University of Colorado was happening at comedy night, and they were auditioning an opener for Charlie Hill, who I got to meet later on and told them this story.

And that was brutal. I had to do three minutes for three Indians, American Indians. And you know, you just don't even know where you're going at the year and a year and a half mark with that. You don't know where you go. competitions are really tough especially at the beginning because the person who wins is usually the person who brings

more people. You get really upset. Like you want to win. Even when you know you're not going to I like it. I've done two of them and like I get you just, I get so pissed. I get really mad about

here you go, brother. You ever bring somebody with you were a comedy show, a friend? And on the way in the car, they're like, you were funny tonight. So is that black kid. Okay. That's who you have to appreciate comedy, because that means people appreciate different styles, right?

What are we talking about this? Comedy competitions. Comedy competitions. The best thing about comedy competitions, and I've won them and I've lost them, is that you go in there to make them a believer, no matter who they're cheering for. Because if you're funny, you're going to knock them off debt.

Right. You think they don't want to laugh. They might not vote for you. You know, when I lived in Seattle, towards the end, Tacoma on Wednesday nights, on Monday nights, Susan would have contest. I remember these dearly because you got to snort Coke on Monday nights to get set the tone for the rest of the week. You know what I'm saying? She had a contest. She had a contest on Monday nights.

If you won, you got $100 and you came back the following week as a host, and you got $100. I remember that. I could swear to my daughter, who's turning, who turned 11 today. Happy birthday. I could swear to you that I don't know how many times I went down there with enough gas to get me there. that was before I got to L.A., before I made the decision to go to L.A., Doug Stanhope helped a lot,

but one of the main things was going at Tacoma with no money in the fucking pocket. And knowing, I got to get back to the comedy underground by 9.30 with gas, $20 for tomorrow, and I got to buy a fucking half a gram of coat. I got to set the tone for the week.

You know how many times I went down there One dog? A lot. Now do you? A lot. And then Pablo Francisco used to tell me about a room up to around the corner from the Comedy Magic Club. Okay.

There was a room that Thursdays that did. First place was $60 or $50. Second place was a pizza. And third place. was a picture of beer. Listen, I ain't driving from the comedy store to Redondo Beach for a picture of beer. Right. I think I went like three out of four down there, and then I just stopped going because it was better to stay in Hollywood on Monday nights. You had the store, Laugh Factory Latino, and the improv, whatever was called at that time, which was one of the best rooms in the city.

it. And I also think you were about, you're talking about, like the judges have a type of comedy they like. I think that's what, when you, you were talking about it's tough around to deal with that. Well,

listen to what I don't like. Okay, this is where I don't like. I don't like when a two-year comic or three-year comic, they charge them 25 to 50 bucks to enter this contest, and they say, celebrity judges.

The next thing, you know, it's fucking Johnny Scott, publisher for Action Magazine. Action Magazine, they saw like four magazines a week. But this guy's going to judge me. Then they get like a film critic from the local newspaper. And then they get somebody else who has no idea about comedies.

So they're picking you on looks. they're picking you on looks at that situation. I'm not giving up here. I'm not saying that, guys, anything is possible, especially when you do comedy, you believe in yourself. So if you're a young comic, you're trying to get that next step,

and all of a sudden you need that confidence booster, and you walk in a room and they just stare at you, some people don't need that. That's two years on better help. Yeah. That was the last one I did. Some people don't need that. And I understand.

When I walked into the University of Colorado, and there were three American Indians sitting there uptight, they're still angry. And they were going to judge my comedy. There was no way. I mean, when I left and I didn't hear from them, yes, was I heartbroken. You know, but I was also heartbroken when I went to the Fox

four weeks later. and opened up for Ice Cube and died the death of dance. You know, why nobody stabbed me that night and ended it? I don't understand. I vaguely remember that ice cube. That's crazy. You go from those extremes, and that's what toughens your skin. That's what lets you know. You know what? I can get through this.

I think L.A. is my type of town. I'm going to go challenge those motherfuckers. Yeah. They taught me in fucking Catholic school works. But I want to talk. about you were just mentioning there was a crazy week in comedy this week. I want to forget that. Yes it was. A lot of people angry, you know, Cat William. What else was controversial last week? I woke up this morning and poor Joe Coy. Joe Coy. You know,

a dog, I was there. I saw Joe Coy go from People's Opener. to become a fucking headliner and sell out arenas. Say whatever you say about Joe Coy or whatever. Joe Coy is a fucking professional, and he always has been. And during the pandemic, Joe Coy made some moves that was solid with me. I never got to thank him.

But he called a lot of people and checked with him and said, write down what you owe every month, and I'll send it to you. That's nice. You know, yeah, that's what a millionaire does. And, you know, I'm, sure a lot of those people did it we helped out a few people with the podcast and patreon you know but I like what he did he called people and said don't sweat it if

you need this boom we'll figure it out after the pandemic you open for me or whatever now we were talking about audiences if you're you and I'm me both of us would have woke up this morning opened up the computer and want to fucking just put the news up and fucking put on sound guard and hang yourself, you know what I'm saying? Why? Because it was torture. I didn't even know he was on last night. I was watching the Miami fucking Buffalo game last night. I didn't know the golden

fucking globes was on top. I came in and I saw our girl Ali won. Oh, cool, shoot. I didn't know that. I found out this morning too. And then there was a replay of it. And I got up in the middle of night. There was a replay of like different things. And I saw Gap again. I saw Todd Glass. I saw a bunch of comics there. Sarah got nominated. She lost the Ricky Jervase. But I didn't watch the monologue and I still haven't watched it. I don't want to feel it. I just read a couple of things. Then he was trending and, you know, it wasn't good things that

people were saying. And I just felt terrible. But then again, I know exactly what happened. I know exactly what happened. What do you think happened? We were just talking about. First off, you're going into a fake fucking world of people that they don't even give a fuck about anything. They just want that camera to hit them at some point. Right, of course.

I mean, you got to remember what the whole show is about. It's about trying to get what you can. If you're going to suck dick, this is the night. You know what I'm saying? You want to be a... Yeah, if this is a dick-sucking, this is it. This is your lucky night. Get the fucking bonaca, get the lysaw, get new lipstick, and go for it.

This is the night where you earn your stripes. You know, but everybody's talking about this guy. And you wake up in the morning and as a comic, I couldn't imagine. But then, after I fucking read a couple headlines, I remember, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm Joe Coy. I'm selling our fucking arenas. I started a dinky room in Las Vegas and opened for people

and busted my ass for 20 years to get this. Fuck you motherfuckers. I'm a comic from now and I'm never fucking with you motherfuckers. In fact, I'm never giving you the opportunity again. You go up in front of a fake audience who their program not to fucking laugh.

That program not to fucking laugh. especially that stuff. Like if they, you were just talking about they want to get seen on camera, if they get seen laughing at the wrong joke,

that'll be a problem for them. You know, I heard he says something about Barbie and he insulted the fucking singer and he fucking, Joe Koy doesn't have a bad bone in his body. You know? He went up,

he didn't know how to work the room. This is the first time he's been in this situation. He's going from arenas where they love you to a room, a bunch of uptight fucking saxist shit that had no value, but they think, oh, look at me, I took a picture with Kelsey. Oh, this ups my value. No, it doesn't.

It doesn't do dick for you at the end of the day. It was like a short-nort-noticed fight. He took it 10 days ago. Yeah, I mean, listen, I got to tell you something. If they told me to take it and I was Joe Boy, I'd say, yep, yep, yep, yep. I'd have two sets for them. I'd have a set that I give the network and do the run through with it.

I'm joking. And then I'd have a set that's called the bailout. I'm not going to get you to laugh. So I'm doing this for me and my family. I'm going off like Marlon Brando at the 70 fucking three Oscars when he sent the Indian. I'm going to go. And guess what else I'm going to do?

I'm going to curse. I'm going to push the envelope. I think you'd be off camera the airwaves in 10 seconds But guess what? The next day I put a fucking world tour on And that's it I'll be in a fucking helicopter

By I get to some part of the country They'll be flying me around in a fucking missile Think about Did Dice gain popularity or lose popularity When he got thrown off MTV awards? Probably gained it I can imagine. That's crazy.

Americans don't want to be held down. Americans want to hear certain things, but Americans don't ever, when you get into a battle with your freedom of speech and what the fuck you want to say up there, people get involved in so low but the shouting. So if I'm dying up there after two minutes, I'm not going to talk about Barbie.

I'm going to talk about my day. led me to the fucking thing. I got up this morning. I took a tremendous show. I watched my balls. Bam. Technical difficulties. Did you see Jim? And what? Jim Gaffigan had a joke. Who? Jim Gaffigant had a joke when he accepted his award. What did he win? I don't know what he won. Probably maybe best comedy album, special. I had to check. No, no. It was Ricky Jervas that won. Okay, so I'll have to see what he was. He got torn up all week for his net, special and Dave

Chappelle got torn it all week for his Netflix special. I haven't seen that yet. I watched Ricky Jervas and I watch Chappelle, you know, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. Was I offended any of them? Not really. I think,

you know, I think the Netflix era might be coming to a fucking, I think a new avenue is going to have to open up soon because they always do. Do you I mean, do you think YouTube could be that? Or you're thinking about something completely new?

No, no. YouTube has gone. I loved them. I got a thousand pages of stuff on there. But there's people that, you know, I don't know, they wait for a change. I mean, I grew up on HBO special. Yeah. You got an HBO special. It was all over to shouting.

You did what you wanted. You got a one-night stand on HBO People lit your fucking cigarettes That's which You do a special on HBO now Nobody knows you did it That's true How fucking is that

And I see what you're saying about Netflix I see I mean I guess there definitely could be an amp Just for like comedy stuff Is that like what you're thinking about? No no no It still would be a streaming service But streaming services listen

Everything we do in this country is based off hot and cold. Correct. Things get hot for a while. Then you get cold. That's the law of the land. There's nothing you can do. You can do plastic surgery.

You can light firecrackers in your asshole. Then you're deemed fucking crazy. There's nothing you can do. Once whatever's done chomping on you, they're done. You can just keep pushing it. And you're going to, you know, you made some money. Take a breather. Take a breather.

So there's some people that take that breather. and there's some people who don't want to take that breather. I took a breather for personal reasons. But at the same time, Lee, I never retired from comedy. I never said anything like that. Now I'm talking to you, and I'm just talking to you about open mics. And we had a deal. Do 10 open mics, and then we'll have a chit-chat.

And we'll do the pros and the cons, and what I could do and what I can't do. And if I don't do the 10 sets, then we move the fuck on. It's time to play the tuba. hopefully not but do you because I was laughing when you told me I was happy that that George and Richard but went with you that's that's fun I'm sure you had a great time but like it reminded me I just did an open the last one I did was in Providence and there was this guy's first time and you see a lot of people going for their first time with like a group a small group and you did that like you really started for like did you did you bring them on purpose like would

you have gone without them or like no no I was going to this thing no matter what. Okay. And it just so happens. Rich called me to ask me a question. When I was, when I first moved here, I'm going to get confused and people are going to get mad at me. When I first moved here, we didn't move into our house on August 19.

Right. We didn't move into the house for September 2nd. So we stayed in Somerset, New Jersey. And the only person who I met with in Somerset was Rich Voss. because he lived 20 minutes from that. Oh, okay. I didn't have a car then either. I had a rental car, which cost me.

I got the bill. I'm still paying it and fucking. It was the month with COVID. It was the only car on the lot left when I got in. It was a little Nissan tin can. I thought I was paying like $9.95 for it. Forget about it for a month until, well, it was like three weeks. Then my car got here, but we couldn't drive it here.

Anyway, with Ross. So I was in, what's the name of the town I was in? Somerset. Yes. So me, I've smoked about a thousand joints since August 19. So the Addastian open mic at Somerville. Okay. So me going, oh, my God, that's what we stayed.

I call Rich. When Rich call me, I go, I'm thinking of going into your neck of woods tonight to do a spot. He goes, where at? And I go, Somerville. And he goes, ah. That's close to me. We're at. And I told him, he goes, oh, my God.

My friend, Danny has a room there. You think it's the same room? I go, no, no, no. Danny does the verve. So Rich goes, all right, I'll meet you. Then I'll get something to eat. Oh, nice. George called me.

And I go, I'm going to go over there. And it's only like 30 minutes from George. So George went. He ate. I ate. Rich ate. Danny ate. And I didn't do it.

I don't know. Because Tuesday night I went by myself. And I got to tell you something. Tuesday night was real because they told me where the place was. I looked it up online. I went on the website, like you said.

And they had comedy night. All right. So it says 8.30 sign up. I get that 815. I want to see who's going in there. I want to see what's going on there. Right. I get that fucking 815 by 830.

They ain't a fucking soul. the bartender, they come coming out to smoke cigarettes. And if you come out two times to smoke a cigarette in 15 minutes, that means it's the lonely fucking white guy night in there, right? Like, there ain't nothing happened. Right. Maybe Monday. I don't even think there was Monday night football last Monday.

Was that? No, I think. Oh, Tuesday. I'm sorry. Anyway. Oh, yeah, you're right. It was Tuesday. So I waited there.

I think I called you. Mm-hmm. I spoke to George, but just sitting out there. I was so fucking scared like I was so scared I was scared of getting out of the car I thought the bar was like a fucking it looked like

where Henry Hill killed that dude for the sopranos it looked like that place from the outside I even heard the music like always dreamed the one I love he'd be tough and hands and rich and strong I'm like I'm gonna get shot in them

were you more scared the second night No, no. And then I made a U-turn. Okay. The bartender was outside smoking yet again with a towel around this thing. And I pulled up next to him. I go, hey, man, how are you doing? You doing comedy night tonight? He just looked at me and goes, what are you doing here? And I go, I live in Jersey now. He's like, man, what a shame. The guy got COVID today. I couldn't believe when he told me that.

But come back. And it was my luck. Like, it was like, I was like, I was like, I was. wanted to do the open mic but I wasn't quite ready you know and thank God they sent me home I fucking did 90 the way home but when I got here I was just happy that I got in the car and I went yeah

you tried I was like I went and Wednesday I definitely got to get a spot tonight and that's when I went up there and then Thursday I was going to go a different spot and that spot scared me a little bit but I seemed to having a big show like in February, so I'll pop up there and see what's going on that night.

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Let's get down to the show. It's Tuesday, and I'm ready to rock here. Because you said earlier, you still get nervous. So are you just trying to get, like, is it not manageable yet? Oh, no, no, no. Listen, once my feet hit that, I feel like I was still, I can't believe I brought this up three times. I feel like I'm working in Seattle again. Like I almost threw my knee out getting up on the stage.

It was like a ping pong table that they shrunk down to be like off and stuff. Very cool. Listen, man, I was just happy to be there and watch. Remember I used to tell you all the time, there's a special thing about starting. Yeah. It was very special for me. It was a very special time.

I was just going to dive bars, talking to people. eating a bag of dicks not showing up it was a fucking experience what was it going to tell you about starting but start i don't i like when you start with peace okay felt high level at the fourth wall all those kids didn't dream of being a good comic they dreamt about about being stars. They were influenced by the store guys and the imprive guys. And that's what older guys are supposed to do.

But there's a structure to it. You know, I saw people who were doing comedy two years in L.A., doing specials. And it was just people getting headshots. The first five years, I just want to become, I had the gift to becoming friends. with people, four or five guys, and we drove ourselves to gigs,

and we split gas money, and afterward we went for fucking dinner, you know, a white cat. I never, there was no white gas on Denver. But when I moved to Seattle, you know, we used to go to fucking McCormick and Schmitz.

Our boy called us today. Bob Olingus wishes a happy new year. He knows I love him. He had COVID. And he said, they fucking closed me. McCormick and Schmitz in Chicago on January 1st. So things are looking bleak.

I wasn't lying to you, motherfuckers. You better fucking save your Guitus this year. You ain't going to Aruba. Get that little summer house with a tent and shit. You'll be fine. But I'm sorry. It was just great to see comics that just wanted to do comedy. There was even a guitar act that night that I laughed at.

Oh, yeah? Looking to be. stars. And that's what I didn't miss anymore. I didn't. I wanted to see comedy in his purest form. At a bar. These are guys that are scared to go into New York City.

I don't know. Maybe they only go to New York City on the weekends because everybody would be in New York City. Right? You would think so. But I mean, I think it's intimidating. So I think you're right. It's like a good story.

starter. And then also, especially for people who are either just starting or like are doing it for fun, like, that's a trap I've fallen into a little bit. It's easy. It's close. 15 minutes instead of an hour to get into the city. I get that. You know, I was thinking tomorrow and I got a place to go. Wednesday, I haven't heard nothing. Thursday, I got a place to go. You know, I'm not going to go out on Fridays and Saturday because not worth killing yourself. Like I said, if I could do two sets a week, baboon.

Like I told you today, I've written two little five-minute bits. Nothing, you know. Nobody's going to come watch me. I'm not calling HBO Max. This is just me getting out and trying to fall in love with something that I loved so much. And that was great that I went out with those guys. And hopefully when you come back,

we could do one in Jersey somewhere and just go to an open mic and talk to people and, you know, we were outside. We'll do that. George and I were outside smoking a joint after that, you know, because we were going opposite directions. And we were talking, and one of the kids walked out

and then he walked back. Okay. It was just telling me, this is my first time on stage. You and your little friends got us hooked when we were in college, and I came here tonight to be on stage the first time, and you're here.

And it was really, you know, like, what's your plan? Now I asked him. And he goes, I think I'm going to go out every night like you guys talk about. And that's fucking great to see. This guy wasn't talking about an agent or a manager or he might get an audition or he might open for Trini Lopez. This is just guys that want to do comedy. And I have a certain respect for that. Just want to do comedy.

they don't need to go into the city and be the flying Willenders they got a cock-eye they don't even want nobody to see it you know what I'm saying the darker the club the better it is for them what do you I just thought about what I would do

but like let's say there's a comic who sees you at an open mic and they're going up before you should they do their best stuff or should they do like open mic stuff do their best stuff okay when a fucking ping pong tape

on a bar. You know, you're not going to impress me. I want you to impress yourself. I can't do nothing for you. Right. You know, that's what I didn't know this 20 years ago, 30 years ago. And I want young people to know this young common. We can't do nothing for you.

You got to do the work. You want me to do something for you? Call me every weekend. Send me an email and tell me the dingy, take a picture of the hotel, take a picture of the crime scene in your hotel room where you're staying they still have chalk on the floor and shit maybe there's some blood on the wall take a picture every weekend for like 10 fucking years and then i don't know i can make a call who am i going to call right the people that i worked with in la are gone now the bookers adam as at jo rogan's club you know and even back then there's not so much you can do no everything has changed everything has changed as a young comic

we think we're going to meet somebody and he's gonna you know it's like a a girl coming out of high school everybody told us she's beautiful now she's looking for prince charming and they're going to come and take you out of this shit whole town and take you to some fucking place on london where people drink tea and, you know, I mean, we're all looking for that savior when we're young comics. But with comedy, you just got to fucking keep going up.

When I got home after the best thing I did that night, the reason why I took the ride, it was like an hour drive, was for the drive back. What is the drive back like for you? They're doing two lines of Coke. Like, I had the music on really loud, and then at one point I had to shut it down to think about what I had just done.

Think about how it felt just to fucking, and it felt fucking great, man. I'm so happy for you. But I had all these ideas in my head. Once I went on stage, Lee, the ideas have disappeared. And that's what I always saw. That's what deterred me

from doing comedy for a while. Because I didn't have it anymore. I didn't have it at Uncle Vinnie's, and I didn't have that in New York. York when I did those five shows. And I could really feel the difference. I still feel it. I only got on stage one time.

But I could feel like, I don't know. It's not the laugh. If it's not the fucking ice house on Saturday nights when we tape those sets and laugh our ass is off. Oh, well, yeah. But, like, how much of it is like, because when you say you don't have it,

as a comedian and just someone who knows you, you weren't going up that often. So, like, is it that or, like, now the way you're describing it, it makes it seem like it's more like, it's like not that you didn't love stand-up comedy, but, like, it seemed like you were a little sick of certain parts of it.

And, like, now you have, like, more hunger for it. Absolutely. I was, you know, I was burnt out on a lot of shit. It was time to take a breather. And I'm really happy I did it. I got to look at it from a different perspective. And I watch a lot of young guys now. And it's fucking great.

You know, it's great. It's their time anyway. I'm going to be at that Chase from what? To the proving that I'm still young, wearing like cool sneakers and cool pants. And I am what I am, dog. I'm like in those Sinatra years now. Pretty soon I have a little wig,

and I'll put my notes in my wig like that bookie. They used to hang on my mother's bar whenever I, I forget my jokes. I'd just pick up the wig and take the note like a little fortune cookie and read it. Do you think you're going to lose your hair? What are you talking about? I'm losing it. No, you're still got plenty of hair.

No, dog, are you fucking crazy? What are you talking about? Last time I went to the barbers, she didn't even use the scissors. She was spray-pain and shit, and there was some dog in the back yelling and screaming, and there were, some dude was yelling, ah, ha, ha. At least you go to the barber. well that's true to be I haven't gone to the barber

in fucking a decade at least it's nice but yeah it's a different once I hit 60 the fucking head do La Rue it's over with you know that's beautiful

I would kill for that but I'm still doing my thing you know I'm sticking to both things I wanted to do this year was to write a little more whatever listen you and I both

this is how I I'm learning about myself now. Right away, I'm not going to tell you this. Right away, Thursday, when I got up, when I got back Wednesday night, I was pretty tired, but I still came in here, wrote down my set, how I did, and what I felt, whatever, and I didn't get paid anything, so I just wrote zero.

And then I wrote, like, some stuff out. And then the next morning when I got up, I opened up that page again, and I tried to write again. And this went on for about fucking three days. And I can't lie to you. Like, by Sunday I was a little disappointed. No, Saturday.

I was a little disappointed. And then it hit me like a fucking fucking bullet to the head. It hit me like fucking Kennedy in Dallas, right? You got to be on stage to write. Right. You got to be on stage to write. You've got to be in the mix.

I just can't come home and write. I got to go bomb. But one good thing came out of that bomb. It's like when I told you, people say white bread is bad for you. Right. You follow me? I mean, you just get stronger.

So right away, I was disappointed for a few days. And then I remembered, I'm no fucking Alonzo Bowden. I'm no Steve McGrew, who listened to the podcast and thanked this last week. Oh, what's up? No Anthony Jezzlemente, you know, I'm no Bill Burr. And I guarantee you by looking at Burr, it makes you seem like he does 60% of his writing up there.

But what do you, because it's your same brain. Like, why do you think it's different? Like, why can't you just sit there and come up with stuff? There's no action. Well, listen, you ever watch a Law & All that episode? Of course. When he's getting fucking interrogated. That's almost every episode.

Yeah, you put fucking three cops in there. I do my best work when I got 200 sets of eyeballs looking at me. Yeah. You know, these motherfuckers that go for stress management. I go for counseling and I do yoga. Well, let me tell you something, cock, sucker. We sleep in bad fucking hotels. And we go out in front of fucking, you know, and wait, like I told you,

like, I don't even know what's left anymore. but I would love to get you a couple gigs like in Mormonville and some places like that when you know after the show they'll come up to your good set man I are you Jewish and when you go yes I am the whole room will fucking freeze it's like those poor people to the anti-Palestinians on the Lincoln Tunnel they block those

tunnels and bridges they got arrested at a rough morning I'm saying to you just to love that just to test your audiences you know I would love that that. I think I'm actually really excited that I got some good news that I'm doing like my in March I'm doing like a full

week in Vegas. I've never I've heard of comics talk about it on podcast, but I mean that's one of the reasons why I'm excited because there's going to be everybody there. Let me ask you a question just so you could explain something to the younger comics. Okay. How long have you been doing comedy for now?

Five years. How long have you been going to Vegas? I've gone to Vegas with you a bunch. I went to Vegas my first time as a consumer, 2012, I think. How many times did you go over there to be associated with comedy? Oh, with you? I would say three, maybe two, three, four times. I would say, and then I did some shows there myself once,

maybe five times. You were there for the Netflix shooting? Yes. You were there with me the first time I did the South Point? A couple. I don't know if it was the first time. I went a couple times at the South Point. It's funny because I asked you this because

ever since I've known you, I know we went to Vegas a couple times, and then you went on your own as a comic. You know, during those years, when you go with me, We met a great comic from Vegas, great fucking heart. Freddie Correa and his wife, and they were always, they'd always bring us food. They were just good people.

They were just good people. And I loved how they treated you from day one. So I was a fan of Freddie. So you've been talking to Freddy, and Freddie even had you out there a few times when we lived in L.A., just doing sets and shit. So just think about the respect you got since then to now, it took you five years to get to Vegas? Yeah, I started.

This is my going into my six year, I guess. By the time we get to Arizona. All right. So, yeah, that was a while ago. It was like three, four years ago. Right off the bat, you're doing a lot better than me. Because it took me nine years, eight years to get into Vegas. And thanks to the grace of Joe Rogan,

who took me to the Riviera the first time. yeah I'm well thank you I mean I obviously had a bigger step up than you did but I'm really I'm getting better what I'm saying it's being eight years it took you fucking five and a half well they I thank you I'm just trying to acknowledge that like you started from scratch and I didn't that's where you know like we I I definitely am doing open mics but like you know I I I definitely am doing better but I I try to when I look at other comics in the way they struggle, I feel like I have to at least acknowledge

that I'm getting shows that I wouldn't at this level. Talk you were at the right place at the right time and you came through. Nobody gives you nothing. You know, somebody opens up a fucking door for you and you take it and you do well and they keep opening up the door.

It's not because they gave you an opportunity. You came through. The other guy's wife is pregnant. She can't do it no more. You showed up at the right fucking place at the right fucking time. I will say this. I've gotten shows and not done well

and they're not gotten shows there again. So it definitely happens. What do you think? I got to show everywhere. I went the second time. Right. I want to. Give me a fucking card when I was going there

in the first three or four years of comedy on those triple runs. I got good reports and I got bad reports. The bad reports are always that I curse too much. Nothing. Yeah. No one's ever told me. Like a bad report.

They always say, oh, great job. We'll get back to you. Like, I would love to get a, report. And as much as it would hurt, I think it'd be fun, it'd be good to see. It's funny because if you watch the Cat William things, he dropped

a lot of fucking names in there. Me personally, I like Cat Williams. He did something in 98 when he was cat in the hat. And I was, I wasn't even fucking fat baby yet.

You know, and he had a gig up in the valley and nobody showed he left and paid us our money which in those days people just left and you were like what happened to my 50 bucks or what happened to my 25 bucks but he said something that was very interesting he said for a long time blue comics were ridiculed i still remember being at the store one night going up at like 1245 and there's a guy back there giggling and laughing And after the show, he comes up to me, he goes, I'm whatever, I'm the owner, the L.A. Cabaret. The L.A. Cabaret was a comedy club in the valley. It was like a C club, but you went up there to get spots and he paid, but sometimes he owed that closed him down one time, you know.

Right. So fine. He comes up to me, goes, here's my card, give me a call. I want to book you this weekend. Oh. You know. I have a pager on the way. there, I got a page, I pull over, and this guy's telling me 35 minutes before the show that I have to

work clean. I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, yeah, when I saw you, but I knew you could probably do it clean between, I'm not going up to the word clean. I can do a spot at the store and light my balls on fire. They don't tell me what the fuck to do on the Sunset strip. You're not going to tell me in Recita. Yeah, I got nothing against recita. You know, I got nothing against the seat of you follow me it was like so i still remember doing comedy in 1994 i was three years in i was just tapping into myself it was like you judy brown sebastian's manager uh you know burke christ's manager i've known her since my colorado days and she had a festival when you in 94 you sent the tape and they'd pick you i sent like four tapes nobody ever

fucking picked me. But I went to some of the shows. And one of the shows I went to, there was a brother, that was a good comic, but later on he got ousted for stealing a joke and nobody really knew. And he was at the festival one of the nights. And he said, come into the back

and just be a fly on the wall. And that's exactly what I did. But it was a tent. And the tent next to me was Bill Cosby. Oh, shit. All right. Now I'm looking on it. I don't know nothing about Bill Cosby.

I'm just saying it's cool. It's cool that he was at the same festival. He didn't say me. He didn't see me. I didn't talk to him. It was too down, but I could hear, you know,

when you walk into your tent, you're in there with two other guys, and he's got 20 people in his tent. He's doing a little, you know, it's got to be here in Colorado. And then he started going off, and I could hear him on Dirty Comics.

Oh, yeah. I hope this is in a festival with a vulgarity and all this stuff. And he goes, you know, I've been trying to get together with clubs to stop that. That's not what good comedy is. And right there is a three-year comic. I felt like a fucking moot de law. You know, I'm like, what am I doing this for?

And I remember struggling with it. I had already tried clean comedy. And I couldn't pull it off. I tried. I gave it like eight, nine months. And it just didn't fucking work. but that was I'm sorry

that was your like a festival you were saying yeah that was the Colorado festival that's what Doug Benson was there you know back then it was a young Doug I don't think he did

Riefer jokes there was a lot of good comics that went there I don't forget I just remember Doug and I remember Judy Brown and I remember that I actually made a tape

and thought I was gonna go up there and win and then when I called one day they're like listen take a fucking hike and we're keeping you the small 25 oh yeah

that it's I had applied to one and I've never gotten I've complied to a few of them and I haven't gotten in yet now that I can't go I'll probably get in but like

as far as like Vegas goes like do you remember your first week there. I know you said you were with Joe at the Riviera. The first time I was fighting to get into Vegas for years. There was a catcher rising star in Vegas. Okay. Kevin Sumpton.

My manager put me on to him because he booked some other acts of my manager had. That's when I was part of Batman villains. It was like Jimmy Schuber, Carl LeBoe, my great manager at the time had a lot. bunch of fucking R-rated off the bed. There were characters. And I started sending them a tape and

calling him. He's like, you know, we got a hard time with dirty comics here. Again, and at that time they had Vegas, Reno, Princeton, New Jersey, which is still there. I don't know if they own it still or just a... And they had another club somewhere at the time, like four clubs. Catch a Rising Star in the city. I don't even know that there were books.

When I first started comedy in 93, I used to go over there and I never got picked for that contest. So I stopped going after like four weeks. What are we talking about? Vegas, your first time there. Vegas. So I finally get into Vegas. And it's Monday through Sunday. 14 shows.

Woo! Loaded. That's awesome. I'm excited. Money? I don't even want to tell you because I'm embarrassed. how little they paid me at that time. And this was in 99, 95?

This is 99. 99, okay. Well, I met my wife. And I had like a whole week there. And it was in the hotel where it was swords and shit. Excalibur. The locksaw, the ex-car. Yeah, and then you're right.

All stuff in hotel. I don't know nothing about nothing. I check in. They give you the kids. key, they give you rules, blah, blah, blah, blah, I go up to my room. I fucking do the first night.

I get a phone call from a friend. He got a package. I do the second show. I hold off. And I get the package of my buddy. We disappeared to a different hotel. I come back about two, you know. I do the whole fucking Joey Diaz. I just got the Vegas routine.

I'm happy. I get up the next morning. I'm hung over the fucking pieces. I'm thirsty. All I want is coffee. I didn't even drink coffee then. All I wanted was cold orange juice. I had nothing in my room. And if I had $3 in my pocket, I'm lying there.

I had nothing. And I got on that elevator, and there was a bunch of kids with swords. I was still coming down to battery acid. I didn't know what the fuck to do. That elevator door closed. I sat there and these motherfuckers started stabbing each other. I thought my head was going to fucking blow up.

I didn't know what I was going to do. The parents are looking at me. I'm looking at them. They can tell I'm fucking still, the gasoline is still in me. My nose is dripping. My left eyebrows on fire. These poor kids are looking at me.

That's their fault, though. That's what you're supposed to do in Vegas. It's not the kids. And then I thought I was going to go sit with like normal people. No, no, no, no. They put me in this room. And it was like the employee room. But it wasn't like the regular employees.

put me like with janitors and people that were fucking you know not all there i'm back there i'm eating they're looking at me like who the fuck is this guy i'm trying to badge into the regular cafeteria with the fucking dealers and shit seriously right and it was i had no money lee i was eating tuna puffs how long do you know me you know those tuna with the cheese on a piece of bread it was two days old i didn't know if i was going to get sick And then you only save me at night I could order food at the club And the club paid for it if it was under

30 bucks including dessert And because that's what I've been trying to do The last couple months Is like Not in like a way of asking the club for more money But just like looking at what you actually make As a feature and like planning,

because there's no one who likes to gamble more than me. You know I love Vegas casinos. But I'll probably profit $200 for the whole week if I'm lucky. I can't, I could lose $200 and six minutes in blackjack. Easy.

You're not going to play blackjack. We know what happens. You play blackjack, right? So let's leave that alone for right now. Yeah. We have you in the casino gambling. You go in there as a comic. Yeah.

And you've got how many shows? Seven right now. I'll get more. Comedy every night in Las Vegas. Yeah, I'll get more. You know, this is, this is an experiment for you. I couldn't be more excited. This is an investment.

You take a G note out of the bank. How many days are you going to be there for? Seven. Take a G note out. Fuck it. Break the 401K. Go in there deep to the four. to that fucking Hamas fund

you got holding on in case you got to make a getaway. And go there, give me the ATM card when you check in. And this is Lee's week. This is your investment. You're not going to make money. Forget about the money. If you're doing this for money, now to be a gangster,

forget this is all write-offs. Right. This is a business expense. You're getting into comedy. You're doing this. I mean, I'm no accountant. So if anybody's watching, don't tell them Uncle Joey sent you.

You want information called fucking H&R Block. But when you're a young comic and this is what you're doing, from what I heard, like there's chains that actually pay you per show and there's no hotel. Yeah. That means you got to bring a car.

That means that or you have to pay for a hotel and then get a rental car. A whole club picks you up. You're going to be, you know, it's a fucking nice. nightmare for a comic at least i got a hotel at least i got a hotel when i was a feature act right for your hotel it's not 250 it's not 50% of your you're there for fucking three nights there ain't no hotel for 50 dollars that you don't have to sleep with one eye open there's no

there's no fucking way i don't care expedia jumping jack flash you know all that shit don't work with uncle joey so your safety's important. So you're dropping a hundred a night. I mean, like that, like, you're not going to get, you're going to get Motel 6 for 100. You want for 8. Once I

join AARP, I'll fucking rent out my number to you motherfuckers. But really, think about it. Yeah. This is Las Vegas. This is a good opportunity for you.

I couldn't be more excited. Yeah. Or a bad opportunity. Tony Fere you could get up there every night. They throw tomatoes at you, and then they escort you to the airport. That's when you come back. I already put that at my mind. I'm high. Why are you going to put that? Now it's going to be your fault. It's like when you walked away

from the blackjack table. You were winning and you walked away. Please. Don't put that on me. We know what happens when you play blackjack. What happened was we were winning? What night do you start there? The 25th. No, I didn't ask you what date.

Oh, Monday. Oh, that's a, see, because that means, you know, so if you take a tomato, the first three nights, you walk out of there. I'm taking a tomato. Don't say that. Why would you say that? That's not mean. Listen, maybe they're anti-Palestinians. I don't know.

They'd love me if they're anti-Palestinians. It takes you. You go out there doing knock-knock jokes. They start throwing rocks at you, you know. By the time you get off on Thursday, there's going to be two security guys. We need to talk to you in the front. You're going to feel like that guy in casino who was cheating. Remember the guy who was cheating with a company else?

We have a bottle of share paid. That happened to me in Vegas. Listen, why open up old wounds? You sit there and bring your luggage. You're going to feel like that guy. I've been that guy. Listen, we're going to walk into the door. And once you hit that door, you get the ground.

You hit the ground. You know what I'm saying? You don't come back here. Don't call. You don't know nothing. In fact, we disconnected the 8th on July. Oh, God damn it. I'm not going to, God damn it.

Now you got me thinking I'm going to bomb. You're going to call me now. You've been so supportive. Now you just, oh. I'm not. I never said you were going to bomb. Yeah, but you said, what? That's never even an option.

I didn't say you're going to bomb. I said that, you know, things happen. What are I getting so bad? I get escorted out. I've seen people bomb. I've never been escorted out of a club before. Oh, we'll tap you on the shoulder. So bad, you get a scored it out.

Oh, that would fucking suck. Oh, my God. I think I'd have to quit comedy. If you get a score, if you get a score it out, like, if I eventually get fired, I'm going to freak. Like, that's not going to be good. I got to fire from the show. Huh?

I got to squirt out of two things. What are you talking about? Not comedy, ever. Oh, okay. Yeah. show when I got fired for showing my balls and flying through the air. Right.

And the second time was that video game. Oh, yeah. Mafia 3 with the fucking black people and shen the lesbian. That doesn't sound good. Like chicken. Sounds kind of fun. But that's,

I can be honest, but if it's not comedy related, I'm kind of surprised you weren't kicked out of more. Like, do you mean like a bar or you just mean like fired from a job like a video TV job one was a video you're pretty professional I'm not okay I thought you were talking about just in life being thrown out of places oh I got fired from three jobs

but escorted out of two escorted out of two it must suck being escorted no you feel like fucking uh you know somebody who's yelling I didn't do it I didn't do it I'll be back to prove my innocence Did you have like the box and everything Or like what did you have? No, I just had what I had on my back.

I don't know. My outfit was nudity. I had a short time. The t-shirt was 90 degrees out in California. And the time in San Francisco, dog, they came up to me. They're like, Joey, can you wait inside? And I knew something wasn't right.

Right? Why do you want me to meet inside? for and then two guys came in with the lady and they're like listen you really insulted the woman we have to send a therapist in to talk to her we have on talk i was fucking i thought it was like jackass no no one of those jokes what are those tv punked when she said that they were sending on-site counselors and that the rest of the people were taking the day off and the two guys, and they're like, they're going to squirt you to the door, cars are going to pick you up.

You're free to spend the night in the hotel, but we change your flight from fucking next Thursday to tomorrow. Jesus. And then... You thought that Ashton Kutja was going to pop out. Yeah, I thought, you cannot be fucking serious. And then I was like, they paid me. Everything checked out.

And then about two months later, they called and said, can you come in and do the voiceover again or whatever the hat to the voice i did it never heard anything never got invited to anything and then fucking next to you know people are telling me i just killed you on twitter right off your three so i was like all right they're you that's crazy that people get so offended that's too bad so hopefully i'll get to go out two times this week what's on your agenda there spanky my agenda is pretty i have a day job thing i have to go to in maine but i'm gonna do open mics in maine i already looked it up there's three one night so i'm gonna try to hit at least two and uh then friday and saturday i'm at the richmond funny bone with josh wolf oh shit

tickets are selling quickly oh yeah i'm very excited josh and jacob friday necgap fred in borgas you're in new york city and again you could i always felt the little stigma for a long time that I was going, because before I started going on the road with Joe, I was doing tours with Mark Babbitt, and he was taking me to open up for various people, and then I would get a job from that, whether it was Paul Rodriguez or Dave Vettel or Bobby Slayton, you know,

and then somebody picks you up. I think I was working with somebody else for a while, and then I was too dirty or worked with them, and then I started working with Rogan, as an MC. I just was in Miami and they needed an MC and they were kind enough to ask me to stay. And for a long time, I didn't work at Rogan as a feature. I worked at Rogan as an MC. He wasn't making no money then. He wasn't bringing the whole three of us with him. That was not happening back then. So if I wanted to work with Joe, I had to put the money out of my own pocket for the whole total room.

Yeah. How did he see you the first time? It was at the store. Was it the store? And he And like Oh, I don't know for Eddie Griffin a few times. Oh, that's crazy. That's not- And I don't put up a few times

On the bad boy tour in Las Vegas With Jim Norton and fucking Bobby Lee This has to be 98, 99, 2000. Damn, Dice has a good eye. He picked those are three fucking heavy duty dudes. Jimmy was just starting to cook

on Opie and Anthony. Bobby Lee was being Bobby Lee like a motherfucker and out there, you know, trying to just But all those years I went, I made a contact And that's what you did. That's what you did with Vegas. So I'm really proud of you, Lee. Thank you, but I'm going to go to Richmond, Virginia.

And the MC is going to go, listen, next time you come, call me. I got a Monday, Tuesday, a Wednesday, two hours from here, they pay $2.50 a night. Fuck you. Yeah. It's a great thing about comedy. And that's what helped me.

I was thinking about it, this is the second week of January. I go into the last week of March right now. I don't have a week off. Well, fucking God bless you, my friend. I'm really excited. This is the first time it's ever happened, and I'm pumped.

And yeah, I just thank you, dude. Thank you and thank everyone who comes out to the shows because it's been a lot of you guys have been coming out and telling me. It means a lot. So thank all of you. Doug, we've been on the air together for a long time. You sat in those rooms and you listened.

I watch what Eleanor is doing, and I get blown away. I still remember Eleanor fucking, you know, hit me with a fucking paper towel to pick up my mat, you know. And all those years, she was paying attention. And look, it paid off. So I'm happy you did pay attention. I'm happy that you're blowing up like you thought out would. Call the Crip, same number, same hood.

It's all good. I'll see you next week. I'll see you next week. Stay black and I'm going to hit too often my street this week. Love you, but congrats. All right. Love me too. I want to talk to you about Fuji Gee.

Listen, you're thinking about changing your life. You saw the chick last night, the stallion on the show. You're like, I'm going to go join whatever. Listen, you want to have contact with people. You want to talk to people. You want to grow into a family. Who are your Wikipedia? I don't know Wikipedia, whatever.

Google. the local jihitsu school in your area, take the free class, see what it's like. If you like it, go to Fujigee.com right now, pick a nice guy out. The Ciparado, they got geese for under 100 bucks to rock your world. They even had a Gion special for 60 a couple of weeks ago.

It'll rock your world. It's Fuji, Jack. They got the mountain, the whole thing there. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Go to Fuji.com and get yourself a ghee. And like I told you, either use cocoa, Sorry, Uncle Joey, Joey, whatever. Take your pick.

Take a chance, Columbus did. Also, I want to talk to you about Honit. I've been with them for what? 12 years now, Lee? 12 years. And every January, I go on my little alpha brain fucking cycle. I blast off for four weeks. I drink water.

Tomorrow I got to go do a blood test. But what am I telling you all this for? Just go to honor.com. That's where the party starts. They got Shroom tech. They got Shroom Tech immune. They got electrolytes. They have so many great new products

for the rock your world. But it starts with you. Go to audit.com right now. And again, take a chance, Columbus did. Go with Coco, Uncle Joey. Joey, it's Joey for Audit. All right. Anyway, they don't have a website

that helps you recover like, you know, your missed podcast cues. Anyway, I love you guys. Thank you for giving us a chance again. We'll see you next Tuesday morning. Tip, Top, Magoo. Stay black. Thank you.