The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - I got nothin' but a fungi toenail

Episode Date: July 9, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about his boy D' Money, Lee getting scammed on the NJ Turnpike, why Joey believes this class of comedians did more for comedy than any previous and much more! Support the show and try Blue Chew for free. Just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and press in promo code JOEY This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self.  The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

You know, sometimes you go to Jiu-Jitsu and you roll with somebody who's got an old ghee. Yeah. Things stays in your nose the rest of the day. It's like smelling a dead fucking body sometimes. I got that smell of ghee. I went, talked to some guy. He smelled like it. I went to the fucking tire store.

He smelled like it. Did he choke you or something? Like, how did it get that deep into your nose? Because I was choking him. I was close to him, and I smelled it. Oh. Oh, now it's all over me. I took two showers and shit.

How often do you? you get new geese? I'm washed. Listen, I fucking wash my and I got anti stuff you put on it. So first off. Like fungal?

Yeah. Like when I sweat in those things, I take them off. I come home. They don't even go upstairs. I dump my pants, the knee pads, and the g-gee and the, everything downstairs. And then I take a shower and I come

down and then I wash the ghee and I put softener, a little bit of bleach fucking washing whatever you throw in there to wash it with the pellet and then I put another compartment for an anti like fucking deodorant

that you put on your ghee and it's fucking brand new Have you ever rolled with somebody who like clearly has like a stink like they didn't wash it or maybe they did a class before your class like what is that? That's why I stay away from all early classes like if you have a if you join any group class and they go well you got to be at eight

well, get ready to smell bad breath and fucking, you know, because people go in there right off the bed. They don't brush their teeth. So you're trying to choke them and they're breathing on you and shit. So any exercise program, you consider if it's a 7, 6, 8 a.m., bring fucking Listerine to put in your nose. Because some people fucking, like, just wake up in the mornings and go straight there. You know, when you sweat, let's say you go play basketball, right, at 7.30 at night.

You get home late. You take a shower. You ever notice sometimes when you wake up or a couple hours later, something's not right. Like your body smells because your body releases shit after you take that shower. It's like I'll take a shower sometimes at eight. I'll take a shower at one. And at four, I got to take a shower. Like I'm like, why am I greasy?

It's that after fucking sweat that comes on your system. And it never, it always, I always, I thought I was crazy. because you ever like, you know, like you're trying to like make, getting ready for a show or something, like, God, my ball stink. And then you take a shower and then they still smell. And I thought it was crazy.

Oh, I have like the uncleanable asshole. I can watch it, lemon it, fucking, and then I stick a finger and then it still smells like fucking nuke. It sounds like a comic book like villain, the uncleanable asshole. Oh, no, it's like the unwashed. Everybody's assholes unwash.

You can wash it, scrub it. You sniffing. It's still got that afterburner. smell to it like you're like what did i do i'm trying to that's why i had the lufa that clean the edges to you know all the like when you fart you have that residue that goes to the end and shit i forgot you had an ass lufa and didn't you have something else you're like you're like a lufa and then you also had something on a stick yeah but my fucking everything i do everything i do everything listen man i i hate that feeling of taking a shower at seven and then taking a shower at like

one and then having to go do something at six and going i'm going to jump in the shower and the water hits you. It slides off you. It's like I'm greasy as fuck. My face is greasy. My, whoa, whoa, I just took a shower five hours ago. So, yeah, I get greasy. I don't know why. I get, like, oily, my skin, the water

beads on it. Like, I fucking got carnuba wax on it or some shit. I was going to say, you sound like an animal. Like, don't ducks have, like, grease gland or something? I've never heard of being greasy like that. Listen, I'm not a greasy person. Like the cute. No, I never would have thought. You're always clean. Is that why you take three showers a day?

No, I take two showers. Listen, I like the shower. Like, you know what I like about going on the road? What's that? The best thing ever was going to the shower that has nothing to do with you. You go in there, turn that hot water on, and you don't get out to the fucking icicles are coming out, to that banging downstairs.

Like, there's no hot water. I love hotel, like Vegas, anything like that because they give you a big shower and you could sit in there. I'll get fucking stoned and go in there. And I'll tell you, the best joke writing I'll do is in a shower. I'll giggle in the shower because I'm rested. I wish. Remember we had this conversation where somebody sent me about six years ago.

Somebody from the church actually sent me papers and a pen that you could write within the shower. Do you remember that? I love the shower. That's where all the, you know, you wake up in the morning, you drink a cup of coffee, you fucking meditate, you write a little bit. You go on the computer, you know, fucking Biden's got the age of a 22-year-old. You know, you see all this bullshit up at 8 in the morning. And as you're going to the shower, you kind of like drag it with you, not stupid, but just like what's going on today. I got to go here.

I got to go there. Once you hit the shower, everything goes away in the morning. Once I close that door in the shower, dog, let me tell you something. Everything goes away. I start with God from giving me another day. I'm appreciative for this. You know, I'm appreciative for the shower. How many fucking people get to take a shower in the morning?

Over the whole world, not many when you think about it. They ain't taking no showers on our minds. They ain't got no hot showers there. Definitely not. They got no hot showers in a lot of fucking places. gotta be grateful for that fucking shower like i'm like jesus christ how great am i i'm washing my pussy you know the stink from the sleep apnea mask whatever the fuck i got on me in the morning you know and you slow your day down which is what you always want to do you want to slow you you control

the pace of your day you ever leave your house you're in a rush and you fucking don't have your keys because you didn't control your day right stop and take a minute i'm gonna be five minutes late who gives a fuck call them. Right. Call it. But, like, set up your day. But to walk out, like, discombobulated, that's the beginning of your day.

If the beginning of your day sucks, how's the rest of the day going to be? Yeah, I've never thought about that. You leave the house all discombobulated, right? You're on the Turnpike. You know, if you go on the Jersey Turnpike, I don't have to tell you of the park where you're going to hit a nail. Like you did, right? Like you did. An Amish nail.

God damn it. I was talking to my buddy today. He had a fucking nail. while we're on the phone. Dude, and on the turnpike? Yeah. The Jersey Turnpike, I think somebody sprinkles fucking nails on that. I was just going to say that because I don't know if you knew this, but like if you get a flat,

if you have anything happen to your car on the turnpike, you can't call anyone to help you. You have to call the state and the state send someone out. I have like a wheel and tire protection thing that I never would have got, but it covers it. Thank God. From both sides. From, I got a Hyundai. Hyundai covers it. They come, they change a tie.

They get them. They would have done everything. And they called me and they were like, we can't come out there. You need to call like the New Jersey State Dispatch. And the guy, I forgot about this. The driver tried to try to screw me on the price. Oh, yeah. Jersey, Jack.

You got to pay it. The dispatcher. me it was going to be like 85. And then when the, he's like, all right. So I called and he said, it'll be 85. In like 20 minutes, the driver called me. He was like, so it'll be like a hundred bucks. And I was like, hold on.

The guy said it's 85. And when the guy got there, like, well, I was factoring in tax. And I was like, you were just trying to get 15 bucks for yourself. This is New Jersey. It never ends. It never fucking ends. That's why I avoid. the turnpric.

I'm fucking, I've never. So weird how you, for years I started my day room and I used to fucking be mad. Like, why do I leave the house angry in the morning? You haven't even gone into the day yet. You leave the house angry.

You are going to stab somebody by 4.30. You know, at the train stop or. And then I, you know, I don't know. I just, for a while, like, I was in, not prison, what's that shit like when I worked in snowmatch well even in prison you see people in the morning how they rush oh yeah you know when you have a family like a family of six and you got one bathroom you know I seen those families go at it because you got to get in there you know by the time you leave

you're fucking wiped out you've been arguing with your family on morning you've been pushing motherfuckers and taking a shower cold water and your socks are missing So by the time you get out there, you're a fucking animal. Oh, yeah. And I think even more, like, for people who are, like, single or younger people, like, they set their alarm usually until, like, the very last second. Like, when I was working in L.A. And I had to drive down to West L.A. every morning, I would set it until, like, the last second I had of sleep, I wouldn't eat breakfast. I would jump in the shower and leave.

Oh, oh, I see what you're saying. That's when you're young and stupid. You set it to fucking, you got to be at work at nine. It takes 20 minutes. You get up at 8.30. You're like, you fucking own the place. Right. You put the monkey spit on your hair and you shoot the work.

I get it. I was there. And as you get older, like, it's so funny how you work for work first. Then you start working for a career. And you tighten up your shit. You try to get professional. You try to get on time. you know, it's such a fucking hard life, like how you evolve, you know, how you started.

Like, I don't give a fuck when I get there. Fuck that dude, you know. Right. I get to 11. I don't give a fuck. I already got my hours for the week. I'm going down the shore on Friday, you know. They're lucky I'm coming.

Yeah, they're lucky I'm coming. But then as you get older, you get more responsible and you start waking up a little earlier. Hey, listen, man, till I met you, not. A little before I met you, I left the house. I had an 8 o'clock flight in L.A.X. Eight o'clock flight. It takes off at 8. And I would leave the house at 7 with a straight face.

Do you ever even make it? No. Okay. I was going to say, did you make it once? You got to get on the phone and call the comedy club and tell them you're not coming in at 1 and you're coming in at 11.30. I would do that every fucking time. Every time. Then 9-11 came and they started getting tighter and tighter and tight.

I said, you know what? My flight's at three or something. I'm going to leave here at one. And it was greatly. It was one of the best things I ever did. I got the early. I didn't have to look at the clock. Security. You go over. There's a restaurant. You know, you go over. You bring a vapor pen with you, a computer. You got your phone. You got a book. You're prepared. Now you don't fly like an animal. In comparison to run. through the fucking airport, bumping into people, you know, getting on the plane, there's no overhead compartment because you were one of the last ones. Now you've got to take a middle seat next to a blind guy with a dog. You know, it never fucking ends.

It never fucking ends, man. So at one point you go, how do I do this right? Okay. I got to get, listen, I was watching the news here and I, you know, get to the airport three hours before. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, no. an hour before you're good. You check luggage, you stop, you get something to eat, you got a newspaper, your joint's still in you, you know, that THC is still burning, so you're good before you got on the plane and take the edible.

You didn't take no edibles when they did. Yes, I did. I don't see them. I did too take edibles, but the one thing I will say is you do need TSA pre-check, because some of those airports an hour isn't enough time. Oh, no, no, it's a fucking nightmare. Even clear. But you got to, what this is telling me now is that. something else is coming.

Like a bad, like an attack or something? No, attack. This is going to be now. Clear is always packed. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Pre-check is always packed. So now any day they're going to have luxury VIP. I think they already have that. Don't they have that where like you can go to like a special area? One of like the air ones will even send a guy to your house. I've seen videos on. Like the, one of the guys like a Dubai airlines or something. They'll send a dude to your house with like a laptop and a printer,

and they'll take your bags, they'll give you the boarding pass. So you don't even have to go. You just walk straight to TSA. And you probably don't have to do that. I flew a couple times this year, and I got to tell you, fuck you. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. It's okay. Like somebody told me they were delayed five hours the other day,

and it takes the fucking, it takes the energy out of my lungs when somebody is fucking delayed for five. When someone else gets delayed? Oh, it bothers me to know in. Like, what do you do? I've been there where you're fucking delayed six, seven hours, and you're like, you're making calls, you're trying to pull favors, get a helicopter.

I remember one time me and Steve Simone got delayed. There were thunderstorms in Atlanta, and the computer service went down. I remember that. And fucking Live Nation was like, listen, man, how about you take a helicopter from New Orleans to whatever? It's going to cost you like $2,200, but at least you'll make the gig. And I go, listen, I ain't taking a fucking helicopter.

It's over. I'm going home. I'm going home. I've been at an airport for fucking nine hours. You want me to take a helicopter to do a gig. I smell like a goat. The plane was at 8 in the morning. Now it was 6 o'clock at night.

And this guy's like, you're going to make it. You're going to be at 8 o'clock. I don't want to be at 8 o'clock. I've been at an airport. It's at 6 in the fucking morning, I'm telling you. walking around just knowing you is there ever a situation

where you'd get in a helicopter if it was the end of the world and I had somebody else's credit card you bet your ass I'm getting a credit card well yeah well if it's the end of the world you'll do a lot of things

but I can't imagine you renting a helicopter to go to a gig I mean if you're getting $22 million for the fucking gig you know like Dion Sanders in between games

you know, he runs a and goes to the Yankees and scores a home run. He's making a couple mill for the day. Fuck, I'll take a helicopter and put three of my friends behind me in helicopters, you know what I'm saying? And what was the helicopter 10 hours ago? Huh? Like, you might have done the helicopter

10 hours ago. When? That day, right? Like, if you had been, if they had... Let's get something straight. I ain't no soldier. I ain't no Marine. I don't ever want to be on a fucking helicopter. That's what I just said, and you said, you kept fighting me on it. I just said...

You said fucking, listen, we talk about helicopters. I don't want to be on a helicopter, but if I had to, you know, it was the end of the world, I'd have to take a helicopter. My first choice enters to get up in the morning and be like James fucking Bond and go, oh, I'm going to call my helicopter. Yeah, that's what I see. Let's get this fucking thing started, will you? What's happened, you savages?

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It's over. didn't put you on this planet just to give up if uncle joey could do it i can rule the world that's you got to be thinking oh shit it's a beautiful fucking week with more heat more heat and more heat you know i'm saying i'm happy to see you buddy how you doing you know me dog tip top m'gou always uh tip throwing through the tulips as they say oh yeah how is your fourth you know you've been to one fourth you've been to them all. Did you watch this? You just sit there and wait for George Washington to show up.

He never shows and that's it. I had a quiet fourth, Lee. Yeah. You know, I got to start considering my future because I had all these plans for fucking Fourth of July. I swear to God, I had

92 plans. And that night, I ended up getting up like a 4.30. I just got up in the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep. No anger, no anxiety. He just got up. Came down, watched some TV, smoked a few fucking bongats. I was forizzled.

I fucking had some oatmeal. I made that portable oatmeal, you know, that high protein tastes like ass. It tastes terrible oatmeal. This shit out of a package. I'll never do it again. I thought it was supposed to be healthy. I was twitching for like fucking two days after the oatmeal. So I went back to bed and I got up fucking 11.30.

And I was like, damn, that goes to the Yankee game. I took a shower and I went outside and I'm like you know what fuck that Yankee game it was hot on the fort and it was hot here I went to my neighbor's house who are great people had a great time with the Pumas and it got to the point where it was so hot it was uncomfortable to eat like you're outside constantly I had to go in and get a little play with the dog and get cold and I come out again and see them and I go in I finally just came home and fucking stadium. I don't blame you. It's too hot. I was talking to somebody who in New York,

who grew up in a house for 30 years with no AC. How do you live in a house? Can you imagine that? Like, that's what I, that's like a torture chamber for me. Well, man, you know, one of my vivid, vivid memories as a child. Like, I still think about this. And when I go to bed at night, I think about this, was when I used to stay at 148th at my godmother's house and at night I would call for the sedenos like they would go,

if you get out of the house, I was like six, seven, you know, and they lived across the street. It was right across the street. I didn't have to, and you just had it.

And they lived on the fourth floor of a five-story building on 148th and Broadway across the street from my godmother's. But I still remember going up, there and they had like nine kids and they were all sleeping on the floor with white sheets and there'd probably be four blankets, four fans

falling like, you know, medium fans, like jungle fans from Kmart. Those little box fans, you know, like that. Oh yeah, I love those box fans. A fan that'd be going back and forth. None of the fans matched, you know. For all that nine kids, you know, but I still remember

going back to my house, my apartment, my godmothers, and she had air condition. Then going to 205, West 88A Street, my mother didn't move without air conditioning. So I got to learn that. I got to see these people. But then there was a lot of times

when I lived in North Bergen, I didn't have air. You know, and you live underneath. Like you live like in a basement apartment. That's great. It stays a little cool. But you get a fan at night. At night, you're up.

There's a week in, when I was growing up, there was always a week in July, August that you just didn't sleep. It was too hot to sleep. Oh, I've had AC break. And I get it if you're broke because trust me, there's people, AC's expensive. I just got one. But this girl, the thing that got me about it, her family has a house with a pool. They just didn't want, their parents didn't want AC. Can you imagine actively not choosing? I've been to a lot of homes where people would say to you, we don't need AC. We just open up the windows in the summertime and it's cool. And you're there

at 8 o'clock and you're like, fuck you. This is not comfortable at all on July. You know, but there's people who enjoy that. I grew up with, you know, air conditioners in the window. Oh, yeah, me too. In L.A., you don't even have heat in your apartment.

There's those two months in November, December, you freeze. There's no fucking heat. Nobody ever talks about this. No heat in L.A. No, none of apartments have a heater. They got one of those little heaters from 1940 on the wall. Yeah. You're lighting that motherfucker?

Yeah. It goes on fire. There's dead rats in there and mice. For everyone who doesn't know, it blew my mind when I got to L.A. It blew your fucking mind. There's no heat in L.A. guys. So if you move to L.A. in the winter, like November, December, you freeze in a fucking old school apartment. Hollywood, Studio City.

You fucking freeze, man. They haven't updated anything since I think you're right, like the 40s or 50s. And it's just like this, it's like a basically like a metal toaster on the side of your wall with that in a house that probably has the fastest in it and there's a little flame it's like a wall furnace it's not even electric there's a little gas flame and I'm a kid from the suburbs of Boston and I had to light this thing and it wasn't like you could set it to a temperature

it's not like oh I would like it's 73 in here it's either off or a thousand and only in one spot like it was like that was crazy awesome my best friends still I just spoke to a Sunday. Saturday. I was at a barbecue. She called me to ask me a question. She still lives on Gardner. No, Gardner, Schrader. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

That fucking building hasn't had asses 1928. Oh. And she leaves the window. She lives upstairs. She leaves the windows open. You know, she puts the fan on. She finally broke down and bought something for the apartment. But she's got no fucking heat, and she's definitely on no air condition. All those places were built in the 40s guys.

That's a lot of people don't understand, like the 40s and 30s. Burbank, you got no... Do you remember when we started the podcast, the apartment I lived out, Comston? Yeah, of course. We had Mercy's office, okay. That one had a thing in the hallway. And at a window unit?

No, it had one on the wall. Oh, the heater. Okay, got it. I never forget going under there with a fucking lighter with the thing. I almost blew up the fucking house. I saw that gas go, I was like enough. It looks like you're putting on a robe, Terry Clark. Isn't that the scariest thing in your life?

And then when we lived in Hollywood, that building is even older. Wow. I still remember leaving Hollywood and going to that neighbor with my wife and looking at the building, and that building is about to tip over. Next to the gay and lesbian center

on fucking gardener there. Doesn't one of the guys from the con, I don't want to say his name, and sell you where we're living. Yeah, that's crazy. I paid $700. He's paying $2,100. Who's the smart one?

It's still run control, but yeah. So anyways, about that apartment. Yeah, you can't have the, when it was an earthquake, you can hear the bricks grinding. Like, it was fucking scary. So we're there and we're dying of, you know, it's November, we're fucking dying one night. And we actually went.

Like, we're like, what the fuck is this compartment there? Terry had lived there for four years, and the thing stuck out the floor. So we ripped the carpet, and I went in there and ripped it. Oh, my God, it was like a heater that you had to, like, fucking play the organ. You had to have, like, a little organ grinder. This is not, this building, who knows how old this fucking building was? It was ratted out when I took the thing that was a dead rat in there, like the skeleton came up with the fucking heater.

We had carry it downstairs, me and Terry. We had to fill in the fucking hole in the ground. it's it's it's really insane when you move to hollywood and you move into some of those apartments and go okay i'm in hollywood things are look for we bright i would have loved to a have known how old that rad skeleton was because that wasn't like a new rat that was no no there was no hair on it it was just a fucking skeleton i'll never forget

there was a comic i was friends with in seattle good dude i ain't gonna drop his name and shit because he might get feelings hurt. Okay. When I first got to LA, I was having problems with this girl. And I'm like, I got to get my own apartment. Well, you know, you put the word on the street and people reached out, like, I got a great apartment. And I went out to his apartment. His apartment was like fucking all the way out there in Hollywood, like, like with, uh, Western. He lived in those neighborhoods down there. Right? Okay. And he, yeah. You know, I'm desperate.

I got like, he's like, listen, you can move with $200. And I don't forget walking up the stairs and smelling fucking foods from other countries and shit. Like, you know, it's hot. And now you're walking the building and you smell like every level had like Russian, the Salvadorian, Hindu. And as I got to the fourth floor, like the Bruce Lee floor, I was like, this ain't going to fucking happen. Oh.

I'm taking my 200 bucks and going, my brother. I'll take, and I started living in the hotel. That's better. Dude, there's some of it. No, that hotel was not better at that time. Oh, maybe not. But I, this was 98.

And here's what's crazy. Okay. Four years later, I ended up moving there. To that building? From that hotel. Yeah, with Terry. That's what we got the apartment. Okay, but not the building with the floors and.

I think he moved back in the bill. That was the building. lived in. Oh, wow. Okay. Across the street from that was a, what happens when people come from other countries, like students, and they travel. It was a hostel, and they did comedy there. Remember? Yeah. I remember hearing about it. I don't think they do it. Wednesday nights and all that shit. But before that was a hostel, that was a weekly hotel. You were allowed to stay for 19 nights in a row. And then you had to move to their other hotel and then come back, 19 days. days later. I just went on the road and then we'll come back and stay there.

The other hotel was far. I didn't like it. It was dark and shit. A lot of creepy people was up by on the way to the 101 on Coenga. I don't want to stay up there by Coenga. This was in Hollywood, right off sunset strip. I don't know what it was a week. I just said, fuck it. I broke down, you know, the backrooms at the end of the hall. Everybody got fungus on their feet. You know, people are drinking, people are doing drugs, people are yelling. I used to just go home at night, close the door, and fucking write jokes and finish my Coke. I had to put like double locks on the door.

Like you have to lock the door and then put like a chair against it. And you would stay there for 19 nights. And I can't like the fact that you were scared because I don't know, you were a tough guy. Like me, yeah, I could see myself putting a- People yelling all night. It was like being in prison. You hear people yell, ah, yeah, it's fucking, you know,

When is somebody going to knock out my door with a knife? I wasn't scared like to cry. It was Hollywood. You know, you moved to Hollywood, what? 2011. All right. When I moved to Hollywood in 97, if you walked on Hollywood Boulevard, it was a fucking dump.

Oh, I'm sure. I never even lived in Hollywood. I lived in the valley only because, yeah. It was a fucking dump. I'll never forget, like, having a few dollars in my pocket and staying at that creepy hotel, waking up on a Monday morning, I'm over to the gills.

I always at the store the night before. I still got Coke in my nose. You know, I'm fucking walking on Hollywood Boulevard. And what I would see on Hollywood Boulevard would go, how do people come here? Right. I'm not fucking coming here.

These people need fucking help. Why would you pay to come to put flowers on? People are pissing on them and shit. at that time. I'm not kidding you. But the fucking the thing that took the cake was on the corner there.

When I first moved to L.A., it was like a diner type thing. But it was all people who was, again, it was real trannies, the ones that put the wig on and they fucking put heels on, but they're really men. This is 97.

Nobody was doing operations and shit like that. No. And we're not going to call it the other thing because it wasn't. You know, this was Crack Hole Central. Thursday nights they did comedy and singing and poetry. And one of my friends from acting class was doing a set. And she begged me, please, please, please.

It's like a seven o'clock set. Oh, my God, what I saw in there. It was nuts. Guys with wigs, people fucking naked. It was insane, but they served food there. It was like a cafe, fucking... I thought you were going to say you were following your dreams of comedy. What are you talking about food?

Crazy. So I wake up hung over and there's nowhere else to eat on Hollywood Bullock. And I walk into that fucking place, the 7th of the morning, 9 of morning to eat. How hungry were you? Why didn't you just go get a bag of chips? Listen, because I wanted some eggs. I needed some healthy food.

I had drugs in my system. What do you think? I had problems. When you have problems, you need grease. Chips ain't got out. So I walked into this place, and I got like two eggs, you know, the whole fucking smear, bacon. Dog, when they brought the bacon back, they brought on one dish, like, to be nice,

like they put three slices on one dish. Right. It was out of bed of grease. Remember when my cousin Vinnie, when they gave the grits? Oh, shit. They smelled terrible. league eggs. I remember paying like the 10 bucks, 12 bucks

getting up and telling that tranny chef to go fuck himself. Oh, even the chef was a trainee? Not a tranny like today, but you know, the wig and the fuck heels and the app, Adam's Apple and they'd sing songs and shit. I'm surprised they're even open.

What's that? I'm surprised. Why are they open at 7 in the morning for Brackfield? Like, what is the? Who's even in there? Like, were they surprised you came in? people now. What were they eating? Dick. I don't fucking...

They would just, you know... How do you have any balls to say anything about the food I ever ate? What do you do? Well, it's not like I sat there and ate and then went back two days later. You're filthy fucking animal. Maybe you did. I don't know. I didn't know.

I looked at that bacon. It smelled like fucking dog. It was like the Mike Vic Luck special of some shit. I was like, I ain't eating this. Anyway. I want to talk to you guys about Better Help. I'll be right back. Hey, I took a little break from the episode with cracking jokes and whatnot.

I want to talk to you about Better Help. It's easy to feel jealous of other people's lives, especially when they're showing off new houses, flashy cars, boats, going to trips. Listen, don't worry about that stuff. Therapy will help you focus on what you want out of your life instead of what everybody else is doing. Better Help is amazing. They're 100% online. therapy so you could schedule sessions whenever works for you.

It's easy to fit into your daily life also. You could talk to a therapist by phone, message, or video call. Whatever you feel most comfortable with. Listen, I had some issues. I spoke to Better Help. Six, seven months later, they gave me some exercises to learn how to cope. And here I am. Tip, Top, Magoo.

And it's easy. You fill out a quick questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist. and you'll be on your way through a happier life. You'll hear birds and pigeons and blue skies. Stop comparing yourself and start focusing on you with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. I want you to enter that code. D-I-A-Z, and I'm going to get you 10% off your first month.

That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Diaz. Hey, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Try them out. Try them out. If you're stuck, you know what? You never know what better help could do for you. They help me, and I know they can help you. So now, back to the show. We're back. We're back, Jack. Just remember. See, once I spoke, once I went to that diner, I always remembered that diner. And when I signed up with Better Help three years ago, I brought that diner up. So that's why, once I spoke about that diner in L.A., I had to bring up. I mean, I don't want to cross any boundaries, but why were you talking about a diner in therapy? Because it still drove me crazy. That piece slices of bacon on a dish of greasily. You know, if they would have put paper on it,

like it would have looked a little better. I mean, it was just, and I'm not kidding you. I'm not kidding you. I'm not trying to be funny. It was unedible. Hollywood Boulevard was not goodly. in 97 then they rebuilt they started

and by 2003 it was fucking I remember I had a club right down the block from my house walking that's what they did the longest yard party when I got the invite tonight I'm like no I don't have to be like we'll send the car for you what for 40 yards

that's crazy yeah I still were taking the car now it was up the corner and then the reason we moved is because we were surrounded with club Hollywood had become something completely fucking different, completely different than when we got there. It was a dump when I got there. By 2005, six, seven, at least it looked okay compared to the people used to see walking around there. There were groovy fucking goolies, man. It was not good. I'm telling you.

It was not fucking good, man. I think those were the people that got pushed up to the valley or something. Is that what they did? No, those people just got killed Those grubby goosy Somebody just bust them to fucking Vegas To a fucking Molly party where everybody dies I don't fucking know It was it was not good

And then but then all that got cleaned up And then the homeless came Oh so they weren't even homeless? No, not like where there were when we left No Oh, okay But what were the creepy goonies? Just people hung out on Hollywood Boulevard

man. Oh shit. I thought I was people. When I first moved to LA, I lived in me and Dave got an apartment. We lived in Hollywood by LaBreya. LeBreya and Hollywood. Those apartment buildings there's like three or four of them as you're

going up towards a comedy store. We lived there. So we would walk to Hollywood at night and there was at that time there was like an ice cream shop in the corner. It was still kind of nice, you know. But when you got into the middle, McDonald's, the fucking anti-wax museum. Who goes to a wax museum unless you're fucking creeped out? You ever go down there?

Like the Chinese people taking picture of a wax. You're taking a picture with Charles Manson. He's in wax. What is that, Madame Tussauds or something? Yeah, Madame Tussaud. All those creepy people. Who's going to hang out? They sit there next to the whack.

Then you had the superheroes down there, the Spider-Man's, and they were beating each other up. They were all on meth. You never seen a documentary about that shit? I have. Dude, I've seen that. And then my favorite is a picture of a, like a, he looked like, and he probably a very nice gentleman, but he was like 45, like, and I'm like a Mexican dude. And he was wearing like a mini mouse costume.

And he was just, this might have been in New York, but he was wearing a mini mouse had the head off smoking a cigarette. And it was fucking minibus, but he's like a 45 year old Mexican dude. And a bunch of kids were seeing him and they started crying. Oh. That's what happened. Some fucking kid in L.A. was smoking in like a Batman suit or some shit. Some guy was shooting heroin or playing the piano and some kids started crying.

And listen, that document, I had, I've seen it. It was called like the Superman of Hollywood or something. Yeah, yeah, it was something crazy. That's the crazy part about L.A. Is the dude dressing up to take pictures on a Hollywood Boulevard for tips in his mind is a star,

like a superstar. Well, let's get back to basics here, okay? Just to, I don't know if you remember this. I used to buy Coke from the Martel cartoon. Right? And I love it. Now, when I started hanging out with the Markel cartel.

It was a white dude and two black dudes. Okay. Then they got robbed at gunpoint. Right on Martel. And that's how I became friends with them. I go, what kind of drug dealers don't have a gun? And they're like, well, we never thought of it. You never thought of it.

Gun hidden over where Ralphie lived. And I brought it to them. I go, it's yours. I don't want no money for it. Just give me like a gram of Coke. They're like, is it clean? I mean, who cares? You know, just hide it.

I don't know if somebody got shot with it. Don't worry where I got it from. Just hide it. It sounds like they were like very nerdy. Were they nerds? No, no, no, no. These guys were from Oakland. Two of them were from Oakland,

but they didn't know that they were going to get robbed with guns. And I asked them, you don't have a gun. Fuck. Then they bought out the white dude or they beat him up. I don't know what happened to him, right? Yeah, bought him out. And then the big black dude left. He hooked up with a chicken left.

So my buddy, my dear friend, D Money, stayed and ran it. But at the same time, he lost a roommate. So he brought a chick in there that lived upstairs. He lived downstairs in the bedroom. And I told you about this. What do you put in the hands for? I have a question, but go ahead. Go ahead.

Hit me with the question. Why does a drug dealer need a roommate? How bad of a drug dealer? What are you talking about? How expensive is rent? They live in a martel. They had that expensive. side up the corner by the Jewish school. Remember the school with the security and shit?

They were up there. So it's a nice play. He needed a roommate. You know, just somebody to watch. Somebody he knew. So he moved like his aunt down. His aunt lived upstairs. But then his cousin moved to lived in Hollywood. The cousin would break his balls. But his cousin was either one of those dudes, Spider-Man on Hollywood Boulevard. And his name was, who that? That's what we call them. Who that? Little black dude. Not all there on the spectrum, you know. And on a black spectrum, that's something completely different, right? Because that's just different.

And I liked him. I got along with him. So I went there at night to blow Coke, to get Coke, and he would always be there. But they didn't have a room for him. So they rented him, the closet under the stairs. Remember I told you about this? He lived in that little closet. He had like a little light.

He had like a little refrigerator. By the way, the door opened it. bro, it was beautiful in there. I would have rented it for 200 at that time. And a shower, it was beautiful. They had a shower under the closet? No, he had a shower in the kitchen, like close to him. But he lived in the, he was the man in the closet.

You know what I'm saying? I never heard of that. You might have talked about it. I don't remember the man in the closet. Yeah, D Money is Don Sleazy. That's his other street name. Don Sleazy, D. Money. So D Money rented it to him.

And I would go there at night. Who that? Who that? What's up? And there were nights that him and who that would gamble. And they would play, you know, those fucking basketball games and NFL with whatever. And they would lose. And I'd get there.

And he'd go, who that? You owe me $10. And who that would go, I don't have it. We'll get in the closet until you get, like, mush from fucking Bronxdale. He used to send them for the closet. And who that would go? I don't give a fuck, man. That's my little condo in there.

And he had like this. He's like Harry Potter of the drug dealer world. I've never heard of this thing. And I don't want to put it out there. But did he retire or is it still going on? Well, I don't know who that is in the Spider-Man Hall of Fame. My buddy is still in L.A. He slings part-time.

He drives an Uber. He's mature now. He's got a little clientele. He's always made great money, you know. Good guy. I miss him a lot. You know, after I stopped doing blow, I was still great friends with him because I loved him and he loved me. That dude still calls me.

Checks in. I still call him and I'll prefer he asks about my wife. He asked about my daughter. Yeah, we just became friends after that. And I'm sure now he doesn't, but like he, did he ever try to get you to go back? Not one. That's really cool. Okay.

Because I'll never forget. Like, I quit and I stayed away from him for, for like, like two weeks. And I remember I did something with Rogan and I got paid cash. And I owed him like, I don't know, $250, something like that. And I remember I put,

he liked hats. At that time, somebody was sending me a lot of those, you know, hats that you, not the can gals, but the other ones, like the ones that people smoke with to look cool. Right. He liked those. And there was a company that was sending them to me. So I put three hats. I put the

cash in there and i'll never forget i just stung by his house after vegas and knocked on his door he goes where you been man what's going on and nobody's heard from me and i stopped snorting because i had to disappear from the store too the week i quit coat was the week maryland martinez died so i was clean like four days when i got back from jersey i didn't get high in jersey that's crazy i got the call when i was in jersey at maryland died i flew back to LA and then a couple days later it was awake. When I was headed to Maryland, I stopped

and bought a Grama Coke. Really? But I got into an argument at Maryland's with a producer. And when I left, I was so mad. I gave the Grama Coke away. That saved my life. And that was the last time I walked in the store after that night.

Right. I forgot about that. And that was right around that time. That was 2007. So I disappeared. when I quit, I just disappeared. Nobody knew that I had quit. And were you in the Valley at this point? No.

Okay. I was still in Hollywood. And I remember I did New Year's with Joe. Okay. And then the first week of January, we always did COBS. Okay. It was on Fear Factor. I think.

Like, when he was on Fear Factor, we'd always do COBS the first week of January. Right. And I remember this year And by that point I had been clean Three and a half weeks The whole month of December And two weeks in January

I was like When is this going to end Because I made it through Christmas I made it through New Year's I think I stayed in for New Year's that year Like I had to Yeah Just so you wouldn't be tempted

Yeah I just had to And the rest is history That was 17 fucking years this November. That's fucking crazy. That's awesome. That's fucking insane, man. Do you have anything planned for 20? Have you thought about that? Yeah, I'm going to go to Mexico and snort some Coke.

No. No, nothing. It's forgotten. It's something that happened and I moved on from it. That was it. Like the many other things, I've just looked at and said, you know what? I'm not doing it no more. And I just moved away and that's it. Sometimes it's better to quit when you're,

quitting when you're ahead and quitting there's two different things, right? Oh, well, yeah, no one's gonna look down on you for quitting Coke. Yeah. You're like I do. But like, you don't really like you talk about it, but it's not really,

like, do you ever think about like how crazy it is like you stayed sober? Not crazy, but it's impressive that you stayed sober this long or anything like that or just you couldn't even think about doing it now. Because of the promises I made, I can't go back. to it you know i can't i know that the first time it'd be in my possession you know like even when i

used to get a dropped off at the office for certain friends of ours i never touched it i make them put it behind the frame oh you wouldn't even physically touch the bag okay wouldn't touch it leave it I'll pay for it. I'll pay for it. It's not for me. Yeah. It's fucking crazy, man. That's really awesome.

Because I, like, I can imagine the, like, the, like, when did you stop having, like, urges? Like, how long did it take for that to leave? I don't know. I don't remember, but, you know, there's something about closing one door and opening up another sometimes. Like, there's just something about that. And while it's happening, you feel it.

It's like Cheryl Crow once said, don't quit or something until the magic happens or something like that. Everybody quits before the magic happens or something like that. And it was just when you're going through something like that, like we were talking about stand-up this morning, you and I. Yes. A situation in your life when all the stars align and there's a green light. And the universe says,

Joey, this looks like this must be it. you know right i can't imagine i mean i wanted to i wanted to have this feeling as an adult you know making a mistake a big mistake you know and then i did i did when i was 24 which is all however old i was which is a college age you know and i look at college students their father's an architect you know, something always points you to do what your father did or your family members. That's not the case anymore. You know, I've got two or three friends that they're about to close the business when they die because the kids don't want. Yeah, there's that too.

I didn't even think about that. That's going on right now. A lot of people don't want to take on the family business. But it's so weird when everything aligns for you and you know you have to take this opportunity. There's an opportunity. just drops it. They don't drop much. But when they do, you got to take this opportunity.

Because, one, you got nothing else going on. You're a fucking bum like me. These opportunities don't come out like this. You know, they just don't. And when I saw the opportunity to get away from that whole life, like just waking up, thinking about

Coke, I still remember, like, the first month feeling really good about focusing on stand-up. Okay. Because let's say you have a problem in your life. It could be anything. It could be drugs. It could be a woman.

It could be a man. It could be you're stuck somewhere. You know, what we talking about? You were talking about running with something. Running with something. And all of a sudden, you get away from that thing. Because at first, that thing becomes like a part of your normal life, right? Like, this is the way life should be.

I got to feel like this every day. And then one day you go, no, I don't. No, I don't need to feel like this every day. Like, you know, I don't like her or I don't like my, it could be a thousand things. But could you imagine me signing up, taking five years of college to become a major or something, going to college, getting a job. And you just don't feel it. Oh, yeah. I think that happens all the time.

All the time about college students. I think about it with adults. I mean, yeah, it happened. look at me. I'm not doing editing, but even then, imagine spending, like, I went to art school. It was kind of expensive, but imagine if we were like a lawyer or a doctor, and at the end of that, you're like, oh, shit, I don't like this, but my parents are $300,000 in the hole now. This is what I'm saying to you, you know, but when you're doing, like, right now, the position you're in with stand-up, you got a day job, you do some great places with Josh, you do some mediocre places on

your own and you're always opening mic and you're always hustling at night, right? That's the fucking plan. This is what you want to do. There's an opposite, like, you know, I can't imagine getting up at night to do like a fucking paper. Like, you know, you ever see those business meetings

on TV? So give us the report, Joey. The report is the annual sales report. When I watch those things, I could just imagine being in those things and like looking out the window. Just like look at, just, you know, and like everybody's like with their fucking glass waters, make them believe they enjoy this fucking dead water. You know, I would just jump right out of one of those windows with that fucking suit on,

you know, and those tight shoes and you got to be politically correct in those rooms. Think about it. When I started this journey, let's be honest. You know, my biggest mistakes in life have been when I try to be John Delaney. Malaney, you know, and that's happened in every facet of my life. You know, when I was young, I was going to be an international law. Are you fucking kidding me, you Fred Flintstone looking motherfucker? You walk into a bank in Columbia, they're going to just laugh at it.

You know, like that type of shit, like, you know, and I would go, what am I thinking? I'll just be a bum attorney. I represent DUIs and falls and shit, you know. You can see me on. You're so mean to yourself. Like, yeah, I mean, maybe after the Coke and, like, prison, you couldn't be an international attorney. But you could have, before then, no, you don't think so. You know what those guys look like.

They speak different. They smoke skinny, skinny cigarettes and shit. They got, like, blonde wives. I'm a bum. You know, I can't fucking do that shit. But I can't imagine. The moral of the story is going to school for five years and not like it. And I was talking to you this morning from the heart.

We were really going at it about comedy. Uh-huh. And I thought about my apartment in Boulder. I thought about how horrible my life was then to get up in an apartment. No air conditioner. Oh. No air conditioner. That was the Rocky apartment, too.

Yeah, no air conditioner, but there was no sunlight. The cocaine froze that apartment, like the coke in the walls and on the carpeting and shit, you know. But I still remember waking up there and, like, waking up with, like, Like I wake up here in the morning. I can make a protein shake. I could wait for my wife, and I can make that fucking portable oatmeal on the package. I don't even know why I bought this is just an high protein. And I remember when I went to college that if you eat oatmeal for breakfast, it goes along the way.

So what are we talking? Oh, you know, I got all these options in the morning. I got an apple. I got water. I got a fucking liquid IV if I want it. Right. When I woke up in that apartment, I had a fat tire. Oh, beer.

Jesus. Beer. If I wanted water, I drank it out of a fucking faucet. Like, I didn't even have glasses in that apartment. Damn. So, okay, and why were you thinking about this apartment? Because I was fucking cooking with gas in that apartment in more ways than one, comedy-wise.

Right. Never mind the drugs and the sex and all that stupidity. But what was going on there, comedy-wise? I can never recreate that. feeling again. When you have that enthusiasm, you're broke, you don't give a fuck. You know what I'm saying? You're going to do a spot tonight. That's all that matters. Nothing else matters. People are knocked on your door. You have the rent money? Yeah, tomorrow. Nothing else matters. You got a spot tonight. Something could happen. You're going to cry out that new joke. You know, I didn't know how to put jokes together in 95. I just learned how to put a joke together when I got to the comedy store. Before that, I was just like, you know, whatever. But you think you were still cooking with gas? What do you mean by that then if you weren't really?

I was living my dream. No matter what I was going through. I was living my dream and I was in full control of this bitch. Drugs included. I had made terms with myself. I made deals with myself that I'm going to keep doing this as long as I get up on stage. I could keep doing this. This is my playground.

But when I got home at night, I used to look at the clubs and right down the clubs I would fucking want to be at. I still remember coming home in that apartment crying, many a lightly, many, you know, bombing and then going home and going like what you were saying, I don't want to make a mistake and my career is over. Listen, my career was over every night the first 10 years, okay? You know, you get some bright spots here and there, but I would go home and cry. You know, once the Coke will wear off, I would always cry.

But, you know, you just ate a bag of dicks. You've been doing comedy for four years. You just want to get out. You just want to be seen, but you also want to get good, you know. And there's no, and I can imagine that, like, being a fighter and getting the call, you're going to fight in the UFC October 25th. It's fucking July right now. How do you act tomorrow morning?

you know how do you act now it's in your hands you know it's and that's what I'm trying to say cooking with gas even if I was broke at that time going through a divorce I was still cooking with gas I look at that I'm so fucking happy that whatever was going on externally

it was going to go I still had to do my shit and get out stage every night yeah and you like Did it help when you were going through shit that was hard? They're like going on stage. When you were doing to do well,

what would make like better than therapy, better than like how did that make you feel? Listen, man, there's something about going for something when you're not good at it. Like going, you know, there's just, I don't know. It's like becoming a carpenter the first week. You've been a helper for five years. Now this guy goes, you're a carpenter.

You're going to build that side of the house. So you're going to put that wall up. And you start studying shit. And you start paying attention. And, you know, just like what you're doing, going to watch comics until you've got to call the headline yourself. What a journey that was that night. You know. That's so great.

And these are the things you got to write down because they're not going to be that good every day. What do you mean, write them down? Like a journal about it? That's something I didn't do. those things down the night that you were going to go see michael yo and you got to call the headline two hours before fucking you got in the car to go see michael yo right because believe it or not you was still putting an effort in that night whether you were going to see michael yo or joey dyes or whoever tim mcgoo it didn't matter right you were still going to work on your craft that night

because you were going to be a part of it you went there to get inspired right right yeah absolutely Give the fuck. That is crazy. I need to write it. I don't, I don't, I'm like, comedy or whatever, life-wise,

my instinct is always to, like, focus on the, like, the negative and when I don't have. And yeah, you're right, like a lot of good stuff has happened. I'm watching all these consumers.

I'm watching all these consumers that have no idea what they're watching, whether it's Dave Chappelle, whether it's, for Kreischer, whether it's Joe Rogan, Tony Hinchcliffe, you know. That's why on this podcast I stressed a journey. Because these people are just seeing these guys.

They just pop up the way people would pop up in my life. They pop up. And it's just really weird that this is a journey. I don't want people to watch Dave Chappelle. Joe Rogan and go, you know what? I'm doing that. Or just know how long it's going to take. They don't know.

And this journey is fucking the best, one of the best journeys you'll ever take. This is like joining the fucking army as a, whatever, a grunt and staying in for 30 years and shooting 80 people and having a house here and, you know, having a house there. You put up with some shit, those people. 30 years, but what a fucking journey

it's been. And that's what I'm finding out there. The comedy is a fucking journey, and these people who watch it, they, you know, there's so many, listen, Hollywood is filled with little comedy rooms now, you know. Oh, yeah, yeah, I've heard a couple

about them, yeah. Stand-up comedy is booming like it never has before. People getting in it, people dropping out, people putting on shows. It's very impressive. it's very impressive that I listen but that the last 15 years of comics has really done more than the hundred years before that before George Carlin like George Carlin prior Lenny Bruce now you know there are so many comics well and that's all I was just thinking about because and tell me if I'm wrong but when I was younger I remember like like you saw like the people who had specials.

And now it seems like as a fan, like we've gotten to watch, because I'm including myself as a fan, we've gotten to watch like the openers because they come on the podcast or they put out their own podcast. And like now they're starting the headline. And it's like it's almost like the, you got to, like people actually watching the minor leagues.

And I'm so thankful for it. A couple weeks ago I went to play Bachi. Okay. And I played against a kid that was obviously a fan. Nice kid, really sweet, you know. When I played Batcha, I don't know what I'm doing. So I'm focused on this fucking game. He was talking to me.

And I answered what I could, you know, being focused on the game. We took a picture afterward. We had a nice time. But he asked me, I really thought, listen, I'm an anal motherfucker. I think about shit 10 weeks later. But he asked me, how long have I known Theo for? And when I told him about 24 years, he goes, no way. He goes, how long do you know Bill Burr for?

I go, 97. Come on. How long do you know Joe Rogan? 97? How? And he couldn't believe it. I go, what did you think happened? That these guys, we just popped up one day?

We just started walking up on. And listen, don't get me wrong. I thought when I saw a special on HBO, I thought it was a guy walking into a club and just doing 45 minutes. Yeah, I remember you saying about it. I got my own problems. I know, at least from my perspective, I knew it was work. But you hear the word industry planned. The only way I really, when I was growing up, was Comedy Central. It was Comedy Central.

And that was really, they didn't have evening at the improv. I don't think. At least I don't remember it. Yeah, no. I didn't have HBO, but they, I mean, some people at HBO. But what I don't understand is there's so much stand up on the streets right now. Mm-hmm. But no stand-up on TV.

And when I got into comedy in 91, guys, I know you guys like checking facts. We're going to wrap this up in a few minutes, but I still remember, I can name five comedy shows. MTV, Kamikaze Hour, evening at the improv, the one, the eight list with Rosie O'Donnell, and then she quit and they gave it to Bobby Collins as the host, and there was another one that was... And I'm not even counting those. They were all over TV.

When I got into comedy, I still remember before I got on stage, I still remember seeing Felicia Michaels live from San Francisco. On Star Search, right? No. On TV, half-hour comedy hour. Oh, wow. Okay. I called it.

In fact, Jimmy Florentine did it. And the guy who put him on, they're best friends now. That guy ended up becoming a comic. Oh, shit. Okay. On Jameson. Oh, yeah, yeah. So in 90, 91, 92, I sat at home and watched, and you had a living color, and you had

House of Bugging. You had Mad TV didn't come on until 97. Yeah, but that came on 97. You know who the first guest host was Roselle. You know, it was a stand-up comic?

Who? Doug Stanhope. Oh, snap. He was on TV? If you could find it. Yeah, yeah, you could find it. The first episode of Mad TV. What did he? what jokes did he do that he were TV safe? Like that's got to watch it. I don't even remember. I don't even remember.

I remember that it was coming on and I had a show that night. And I didn't have a VCR. I'm a broke comic. I live in the basement. Eight feet from dog shit, you know. So, but it's pretty interesting. And I keep forgetting to mention this on this podcast that it's a fucking journey, man. It was, you know.

for me it was all of the fucking 90s and all of the fucking 2000s, you know, it's crazily. It's fucking crazy. It's awesome. And yeah, but it's, I, I, it's amazing. It's just boggling my mind a little bit.

Like I'm like, I still have a lot of time. Like a lot of time. You have a lot of time. You got to remember, man. And before anything happened, I did close to a four-year stint with Ralphie. When I was broke, he was broke, and we went back, we drank vodka, bloody marries, you know, and looking back, those are great memories of, I still remember getting the fucking turkey and him deep frying it and us being in his backyard at first.

fucking six in the morning. At that time, they used to be a daycare, a Russian daycare. Next door, behind Elkhampadre and shit. They was like their own little private, the kids glow in the dark there. They had no lights and shit. Long fucking. And I still remember that we were still eating turkey.

Me, Ralphie, Jay Moore, 10 of us eating fucking turkey, deep fried turkey. And not one of us having a fucking bank account. Wow. Like Ralphie, Josh Wolf, you know, 10 people that now are great comics.

They work all the time. But, you know, Jay Moore, this is before they started more sports. Wow. A lot of people don't remember that shit. I couldn't imagine him without a big account. Ralphie was still living at Schrader.

Gardner, whatever the fuck it was. Gardner, Schrader. I'm not making cocktails. I didn't have a... My fucking thing wasn't cold enough to water, so I went upstairs. I got 20,000 mugs. Do you know that?

Right. Do you understand that? I got every company. Name a company. I got Chinese companies that send you these fucking mugs. I got mugs. I've thrown away 200 fucking mugs the last couple of years.

I got mugs to everybody. A car dealer, fucking... My geek company, any sponsors, everybody sends you a mug. And I've been sitting here drinking out of these fucking plastic bottles. God knows where they've been floating. You would drink those bottles. You're like, you know what?

I know a friend who used to pee in these things. Oh, yeah, I have seen that. And these things are fucking recyclable and whatnot. I didn't know you cared about the environment that much. What do you got this week, Tarzan? A bunch. Tonight, if you're listening to this, I'm at the Union Tavern in Somerville. Friday.

What is that? When is that? The ninth. That's Tuesday night. Yep, the day it comes out. And then Friday night, I'm at the city winery in Boston. Saturday night, I'm at the Syracuse Funny Bone. Oh, shit, my old stomping grounds.

Oh, yeah. I was there in New Year's Eve. I probably still got a warrant. You there New Year's Eve? I was there, New Year's Eve. It's not some A Paluso, correct? No, that was Sarah Colona. Sarah Colona.

All right, look at you, making fucking waves in the, comedy midnight underworld and shit oh yeah that's it i'm i'm really happy i um you're really happy really happy you're really happy about you got an umbrella something i wish i have a lot of i have some cool stuff coming up maybe next week i'll announce a show that i'm really excited about and um yeah it's it's it's i appreciate like when i get to talk to you about about stuff that like it's turning into a little bit more than just a hobby now. Like it was, I never treated it like a hobby, but like it's, it's cool to get to move up the ladder a little bit. Like I said, in that little apartment, it got real.

Mm-hmm. And I've always told you that, yeah, I got on stage, July of 91. Come on, man, I had no clue what was going on. I was too busy talking to girls and going through a divorce and I didn't know what was going on. When I came to New York, it all focused, like it all shut down. And I was put on a path. And that path lasted for about 18 months. And then I actually picked it up a little bit.

And then throughout the levels, you've got to pick it up. You got to sharpen your things across, you know. Yeah. I don't know how I fucking did it. I just still laughed my ass off. I just had fun. And I'm happy that you're having fun now, right? brother. I love you, buddy. I love you. Have a great week, and I'll see the rest of you

motherfuckers out there. I got no dates. I got no books. I got nothing but a fucking fungi tonal. Still, and I still got no passport. So if you can help me out, give me a call. If not, I'll see you next week. Stay black. The checking is brought to you by my favorite, Blue Chew. Listen, it's summertime. If you're trying to get rock hard, you need Blue Chew. You're like, Uncle Joey, what's Blue Chew? It's, It's an online service that sends ED Meds straight to your door. This is like sending Cupid to your house. You know what I'm saying?

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