The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - I still got it C*ck S*ckers!

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

Joey Diaz talks with Lee Syatt about his birthday, passing drug tests, why Lee Is going to get sued in Florida and much more! Support the show and get 20% off plus free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com with code JOEY Support the show and get 50% off at thttps://www.factormeals.com/DIAZ50 with code DIAZ50 The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

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Courtesy of Manscape. Support the show and get 20% off at Manscape. com with code Joey. And now it's time for the checking, cocksuckers. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. I thought for Joey to do it. I can fucking rule the world.

I see you got to be thinking. Welcome back to shit. What up there. Fuck it. Florida, Marlin. How's everything going? I'm doing great, buddy. I'm having fun. Happy birthday to you. Thank you, sir. It's always enjoyable to be 61.

Unfucking unbelievable. Are you going to get matter and matter on your birthday as the older you get? Well, because the three or four days leading up to your birthday, like even when you're 38, like I still remember waking up when I was like 38 and going. Like, what the fuck? I got out of high school fucking 16 years ago. I quit high school 17 years ago,

and I'm making less money now than when I was making. in high school. Wait, when I was 38, I was making $15 of sets and I'd go on the road by myself for the small 500 or Rogan would take me on the road. I wasn't making no fucking money. So I'm like, high school was 15 years ago. What am I going to do? Well, guess what, cuck sucker?

High school's been 42 years ago. I quit 43 years ago. And I'm still a fucking mess. So, you know, you just think of stupid shit three days before your birthday. I couldn't sleep like Friday, Saturday, Sunday. You know, Ralphie talked to me in a dream Friday night because it was his birthday, Saturday morning. I woke up in the middle of night.

I had to kill a fucking chicken and put a glass of water out. I'm out of chickens. Yeah, I'm out of chickens. I've killed like 14 chickens here already. I've got to stop. A lot of problems. People got problems. I got to cut the chickens, sacrificing for the garden.

So, and that's what it was. Like sitting here going, Jesus Christ, the day I took my friend out of the toilet, his head out of the toilet by his afro and pissed while I held his head and then I put his head back in and he finished pukin. Was that Louis? Yeah, that was 44 fucking years ago today. But in my mind, at times it seems like yesterday. And you'll see what I'm talking about.

As you get older, you go, wow, that was, you know, I look at things now and I'll think of something and I go wow that was about 12 years ago and I went Joey wait a second because in my mind it's like 2002 I think I don't know really so it's like how old if you in your mind if you had to guess like how old do you feel do you feel like you're in your 30s 20s teens you know listen from the time I was 17 to the time I was 44 I didn't wake up feeling too good every fucking morning, right? There was always blood clums of a lung, you know, a big snot

your nose, you can't breathe, you're fucking broke. You know, it wasn't like I was always capped in health. When you're drinking and doing drugs, you don't feel fucking healthy. You just feel like that I'm partying, you know what I'm saying? So I don't remember

what it all feels like, but I got to be honest here. I've worked really hard since I moved here. And it's been an experiment. Okay. I was thinking I went to piss in jih Tzu today. At the end of class, I was all sweaty and shit. And I did okay today. Like, it takes a couple of months to see your growth.

But this is the last six months is the most growth I've seen ever in jiu-jitsu. And it was kind of weird to me that as I had my dick in my hand and I was pissing. this thought came to my mind. I said, you know, I still remember like when I tell people I've been doing comedy since 91, it's true, but it's not true.

Because 91, 92, and 93, I was just getting on stage. Was I doing sets? Was I writing? I wasn't doing it right. It took those nine months for me to come

here to learn what hard work was, like what it means to be a comic. Like, it's not like part-time. Like, I was doing comedy part-time, and I was still growing as a comic, but it became a lot. The growth became more when it became full-time in my mind. When I started hitting a notebook every day, I started running to an open mic. Same thing happened here. For the last three, four years with Jiu-jitsu, it's like I'm scared some days. It's fear all over again. This is fear for anything. You could use this in any analogy. And I would go to the gym in the morning and go, you know what, I'm just going to go to the gym today instead of going to Jiu-Jitsu. And I did that for years. And I found a system that works for me, my body, and now my growth has been tremendous because I know how to train now for me.

I'm not 40, I'm not 30, I'm not 25. I can't look over at Lee and go, oh, I got to be doing what Lee's doing. I got to play a complete different game now. My game now is straight weight. I'm 61 years old. I don't feel like a bully no more. Now it's straight weight. I just put my fucking weight on you and pray for the best.

That's your move? So, yeah, but in reality, my point is that, it was a lot with comedy dog i hustled a lot in 92 and i hustled a not in 93 and i was a house mc for my first two years two and a half years so i had a lot going on but was i doing it right not at all it was a good system it had a lot of heart but you learn how to start conserving energy you learn what works for you and what doesn't work for you this is what these years are about

it's not as important as you know how funny am I getting is what am I doing in these time chunks that's why I always tell you guys to tape your sets every 90 days so you actually see you actually see it's not like when you bring your sets home

two nights in a row when you're working with Josh Wolf or when you're with me. I want you to see the growth. And you're going to go, I bombed in that set. But I didn't know I was doing that with my hand. I didn't know I was doing that with my face. I didn't know I was doing that with my ball sack.

And you work. So it's the same thing. I finally gotten into a system for my health that works better. Listen, I'm not going to live forever. Nobody wants to. You see these people who are 88 and the fucking. thing. You know,

you're like, let me take him for a little ride and push him. Trust me. As he's going down, he'll say, thank you.

He hasn't spoken for you. He hasn't spoken in years. Yeah, well, he told me thank you as I was growing him off the fucking bridge. How's that?

Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, but it's, I was thinking about when you were just talking, like, you've been talking about

what you've been looking for in comedy, like that feeling. again? Like, do you, are you feeling that? It sounds like it in jujitsu? I'm feeling it more in jiu-jitsu than I am in comedy, even though I didn't get on stage last week, but I wrote more than what I had been, and I'm writing differently now. Ooh, in what way? Like, I went upstairs the other day, and I saw that. My wife got two pillows, and I got two

pillows, but my wife's pillows are bouncier than hers. So I asked, why did you give me this COVID HIV pillow? Because one pillow got COVID and the other one's got HIV. And she's, I don't understand. I go, one pillow's skinny, but the other ones, like the ones they put when people are laying down dying on their stomach. It's all warped. Not that I sleep with it on my stomach.

I also wrote a joke that, you know, it's getting to the time now, about four or five years. Okay. People are starting to get shaky again. Because we haven't heard the N-word in four years. Now they're starting to get fucking paranoid. Like something must be going on. We haven't heard the N-word.

We're going to us like, we don't know what the fuck is going on here. You know what? So black people, all these people are about to say, you know what? Enough with this shit. We're dying to hear the N-word again. Because we can't live like this no more. For 200 years, you beat us, you called us this. Now one day you just stop.

You chase this with fire, you know. So I'm writing differently now. You can't see that. I still got it, cuck, sucker. You guys are right. Oh, fucking Christ. Any day now. Black lives don't matter.

Black people running down the street, hating white people with black face. That's it. Enough of this shit. Let's go back to North. you know. We're waiting for the fucking world to end. You're walking around going, I haven't been

called a racial slur in four years. When's this building going to fall on my fucking head? I better let my afro grow because I didn't grow on my head. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. It's the truth.

Let's just don't matter. Anything they're going to come out and say that. Is it going to be black people saying? Oh, yeah. Listen, fuck it. We're done with this shit. You're treating it's too nice. You know, it's like that when that, it's like when that criminal got shot in the Twilight Zone.

And, and what's his name? The butler from Sebastian Cabot. Took him, he was dressed in white and the guy got shot and he didn't know he got shot. He turned around and Sebastian Cabot was there. And Sebastian Cabot was there. with me, the cops won't get you. And he goes, yeah, but I've been shot.

He goes, no, no, no, just come with me. And they went for a ride. And he told him, you can hang out with me for a few days. And he took him up to this penthouse. And he hooked them up with broads and cards and booze. And the guy kept winning. This went on for a month. Two months, the guy kept winning every night, different girls, two of the time,

drinking. And one night, he comes to his room. And he goes, you know, whatever your fucking name is, Sebastian. What is going on here? I keep winning every night and I fucking pick up women every night. I can't take this no more. Life is too easy.

He goes, I think I died and went to heaven. And Sebastian Cabot looks on me. He goes, no. You died and what the hell? And that was, I don't know. I don't know. My point is after 60 days, the guy was getting his dick sucked.

He was smoking dope. He was jumping up. down and then all of a sudden now he's like you know i can't take this no more i'm a loser i got lose a hand the guy wasn't even losing the hand so okay and this is how what's happening with black people right now it's got to stop every one of these days it's gonna snap we've been very nice to everybody lately everybody focused on the trannies and nobody beat up on lesbians and gay people no more. Even they're walking around going like enough, come back to

us, you know, crack a tranny joke or crack a gay joke or a fucking lesbo joke. They're done. Nobody wants a crack a gay joke now. No, you get in trouble. Jesus Christ. These cock suckers want to page all day. All day.

They could have a happy person to me. Now, all of a sudden they get happy fingers and they want to start texting Uncle Joey now. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. I love it. I love that you're writing new jokes. Well, it's just my mind

had to switch a little bit. I was doing these knock-knock jokes. I was getting back into it and I could feel it on stage. I don't really like talking about my daughter on stage. I don't mind cracking a joke or two, but I don't like going up there and making her my act. There's no way.

I'm a fucking killer. I shouldn't be talking about some 11-year-old girl. If I want to make a little joke about it, yeah. But there should not be a bit about me being a dad, you know. And the sad thing is it's what's going on in my life. Right. But I'm watching life go by because you got to jump on this fucking news.

The world is giving you a gem every fucking day. Sometimes you need to write comedy. Sometimes you need to. The world gives you a gem and you spin it around. It's funny than anything. I can write a thousand fucking Jew-Palestine jokes right now. I could be banned off every Palestinian stage. And I could be banned off every Jewish stage with the, you know, because you're just sitting here getting too fucking edges of the story.

Right. You did say that I had a Palestinian dolphin this weekend. Yeah, he didn't like you. You said the guy was water at you. He told you to go fuck yourself. Maybe it was Palestinian. He came all the way from Palestine. They got dolphins in Palestine, you know.

I didn't know that. But I don't. And the Nile River? One of those. I didn't get an angelography. I don't know what the rivers are. All I know, that's a Jew dolphin or a Palestinian dolphin.

He don't want to be messed with. But why can't you talk about your, like it is about your life? Do you don't want to hurt her feelings? Or do you just not want to make jokes about... Listen, if you know what I do with me, fuck my daughter's feelings.

I'm more concerned. Not in my fucking mouth. I just fucking went up there and started, you know, what are you going to do? You know what I mean? Just to cop out of my daughter wouldn't be good.

I got to talk about what's going on right now. And there's a lot of fucking craziness going on right now. But I'm not going to be political. That's too fucking easy right now. You can pick that apart for hours. And I don't even know what I'm talking about. No.

You've never liked talking about politics. I had someone get mad at me in Jersey for not talking about politics. That's why you don't give them what they want. Fuck them. I give you what I want. This is my world. This is my stage, motherfucker.

I'm not going to, listen, when you move to L.A., they make you talk all this shit. There's a young comic. Don't say that material is good, but you have to let them know what your family sitcom is going to be about. You just shot yourself in the foot. Once you pander to those fucking people,

you shot yourself in the foot. It's your fucking hour. It's your 45 minutes. It's your 15 minutes. It's your TV show. This is not standing. And comedy, this is, everything is coming out. Smoke, the fucking mirrors.

Some Chinese guy throwing firecrackers up in the air, dancers. When you're doing comedy, that's what's going on, but it ain't really going on. Okay. You know, it's like Thomas Ward had a great joke years ago. He had a little dick when you got a little dick and you fuck, you got to make a lot of shit happen in the room. You know what I'm saying? So, when he's fucking. and he's breaking windows, he's pulling fire alarms at the same time,

because she don't know what's going on. He's getting excited by all this stuff that's going on. He'll break a mirror, you know. That is a funny joke. Anyway. Okay. That's cool. You're thinking about what you're writing.

Like, how long do you think you have? Like, how many jokes do you think you have going? I don't know if it's two minutes or 22 minutes. You know what I'm saying? It's like, it's like, uh, that news station, we'll give you the news, whatever, I don't know, KNS, whatever, wins, 10-10 wins. Who'll give you the news, whatever, we'll give you, who the fuck knows? What do you bother me at these questions?

I have no idea. But I had a great week in Florida. That was a lot of fun. I did an open mic. I had never done an open mic for like mostly elderly people. Ugly people? elderly. I know there's a lot of ugly people at open mics.

It was like in Florida. So it was like a bunch of like 70-year-old, 80-year-olds. Ooh. That was. Listen, man, it wasn't that good of a weekend. Because if I know you right now, at about a week, I got about a week. I got to, I wake up one morning to a call from Lay.

There's a warrant out of my arrest in Florida. That's coming. You know, something's coming. You always take something. the go, whether it's pink eye in the jacuzzi, a fucking rash on your neck. I've been good. I did get sunburned, but no, I've been good. I haven't had any, like, mush tendencies in a while.

Oh, but guess what? This is what I was thinking about. I did get sunburned. I did. It's like the seventh or eighth year anniversary of me getting banned from South Point. Where did you bring it up for? I got you a week there. Now you've got to bring it up.

I got you a weekend. Sure, I got you a weekday. I wish a. You got to get back in as a drum player and then they'll lay your music. Oh, I would love to play that. My arms are too short to play the drums. Now, look at that dude on

that show on fucking Netflix with that dude. There's a guy in his AA group that's got short fucking arms and they asked him to put his band back together. What's the name of that fucking show? Something Mount. loud amount or some milk or some I don't know

okay but they asked him put his band back together and do a hit and then when the people from the label came they forgot he had short little arms and they're like we can't put him on video and this motherfucker just did a tremendous solo with his short arms and then walked out it doesn't have a point to the story but I'd like to play the drums I'd like to play the drums I tried to play the guitar once

but they let my teacher literally said My fingers were too short. And they have like a baby guitar, basically like a ukulele or whatever that I could play. But that was it. Like I'm the worst. You know, when I got here, brother Mike got me a guitar. Like the second month or third month I got here, he got me a beautiful guitar. And I picked it up and I was taking lessons online because there wasn't any teachers because of COVID.

blah, blah, blah. And it was fun for a while, but I got to wear glasses. Okay. I got, you know, I got to wear glasses. I'm sitting there, it's tough to be cool when you got fucking glasses on, you know. So I did that for a while, and I just wasn't feeling it from Zoom. He was a very good teacher. And then I practiced for a few months on my own.

Then when I had just stopped. Okay. And now I feel fucking terrible. So the last couple weeks, I tuned the guitar. And then two nights ago I saw something. I wrote it down. It's a new fender. The people who made that guitar have a new teaching, like a way to teach online.

Oh, cool. It's a program, course. You get a free trial, you know. And it looks pretty interesting. And that's the way to go now, you know. And I might do that because now my life's a little bit more settled. Right. You know, I don't know if I've announced this yet, but I'm going to announce it now.

I'm not working with whatever anymore. The weed company. Oh, okay. Okay. So, fuck, that's how I am right now. I forgot the laughing. Do you say the name? Okay.

Yeah. Oh, no. They know. He knows. We parted on good ways. There's no animosity or nothing. It was just time to move on. You know, I did the best I could with them.

And, you know, the light. licensing in Jersey is a nightmare right now. You know, when the medical marijuana thing opened up in Jersey, a lot of people were confused. And you know who else was confused? Me. I forgot what New Jersey was about. I thought that you could make a few calls and stroll in here

and hopefully open up a medical marijuana store. But I think a lot of people have felt that it's been a fucking struggle in New Jersey. And I'm not saying nothing. I don't want the podcast to end or somebody to shoot me down. But Jersey's always been very corrupt. Right. When you live there previously? Always.

And now it's more corrupt than ever. The other day I'm watching the news and the Jersey news. And they're talking about the government just gave somebody in Jersey. The government was saying that, you know, he just got a grant. don't know how many millions of dollars to save people from street drugs, you know, pills and oxy cottons and all that shit and heroin and fentanyl. And I looked at the number, let's say the number was $5 million. I'm like, these guys are going to get like $800.

Right. Like by the time this guy buys a car, this guy buys a house down the shore, you know, it's just the way life is in Jersey. and I think a lot of people were very excited to come to New Jersey to sell some weed the laws were a little tougher at first I see that now they've started to bend you know people couldn't sell weed from other states they could only sell weed that was grown in New Jersey well New Jersey's never been grown people known to grow great fucking weed right you know weed here it smells like a truck stop I don't fuck it you know

but it was a slow process and talk I know people who've got a thousand connections and they still haven't opened their store they've been paying for rent for fucking 18 months they made you know because after they

they come in then they inspect it then you gotta wait another 30 days to after inspection it's really been rough for these people and I think all that stuff That all contributed to the laughing gas thing. They were trying to open up in Atlantic City, and they'd run into, you know, it just,

it wasn't moving, and I wasn't doing anything good for them anymore. If they were in Jersey now, I'd be the king. I'd be down there once a week hanging out, smoking dope in Atlantic City. At least I'd have somewhere to go once a week. You know, this is what I was hoping for, that once that opened, I'd get a residency in AC, And I'd be right there.

My after parties would be at the weed store. Right. That makes sense. But it just never, you know, I think they just got the license to grow. Damn. And, you know, you got to put money into that. And that takes time. So the process was so slow and stuff.

And I think that, listen, I was, I took these kids out at dinner, lunch, maybe two years ago. Mm-hmm. came down, I go, if you come down, I'll buy you lunch. They wanted me to come up. I'm like, well, I don't have the time this week, but, and we discussed, you know, me working with them, helping them out. They check in with me now, every six weeks. They're still not open.

Fuck. And these people know people. So it just hasn't moved. I got a great delivery service now. Oh, cool. I mean, fantastic. You know, it's really secret. You have to give me your license and you know you need a reference to get in there

Fucking fantastic weed they deliver within two hours right to my fucking house I can't complain they got edibles they got 200 milligram edibles 500 milligram edibles I mean nobody got the motherfucking abexes like I do No I eat some good ones to that I ate some old ab x's these motherfuckers is starting to turn purple had like four those And then George gave me one of those 2,500 milligram chocolate bars. Oh, yeah? I ate like three rows of them for the fight, and I ate the last row tonight. Jesus. And that's my story.

I'm sticking to it, cuck, sucker. It's another week of paradise. What did you think of the fights? I only watched the prelims. Okay. Oh, yeah. The funny thing was this is what happened. My wife went snowboarding with my daughter and her friends.

Right. morning, I was already thinking about the fight. If I don't have to watch the honeymooners, I could watch the last fight. Right. And I told my wife, I go, before you leave, can you hook up to fight for me tonight? And she said something that she doesn't know.

And I said, you know what? Don't worry about it. Worst case now, I'll go to my friend's house. Or I'll figure it out. I'll call you and walk me through it. Well, I'm down here. I was waiting for the fucking whatever fight. I watched that.

The last preland fight, the girls. McKenzie Dern. And then I said, let me go upstairs and turn the Roku on. Roku don't turn on. I call her in fucking Pennsylvania. The Roku, she don't know what to do. All right.

I go to the bedroom. I try to Roku in there. That motherfucker is not starting. I'm about ready to strangle myself. I just go, don't worry about I call you. Yeah. And I'm like, how to fuck? I didn't know if I could stream out on the computer.

I didn't know if I had to download ESPN Plus on the computer and then start from scratch. I ain't got that tight time. And it's 10 o'clock at night. The edibles are burning a hole in my fucking soul. I don't have time to download apps and call you up and ask you what happened. So I called you up and I said,

tell me who's winning. And then you hit me back with Sohudo. And that was it. I said, you know what, I'm not playing this fucking game. I'm going to go upstairs. I did bet for the fight to lose, go under three and a half rounds. Oh, so you want on that one, nice. That one, but I bet the girl, listen, I love fucking McKenzie Dern.

I'm the biggest fucking fan. A jih Tzu is off the chain, but I knew this girl was very good on their hands. The only thing I didn't, I did, motherfucker. Wait till I get off this podcast. I'm going to fucking strangle you. I love McKenzie Dern. I'm a big fan if I was a jih Tzu black belt. Because I know how hard it, you know, you take to get one.

But I know the other girl, and I was looking to get some money, right? I was like, I only had like 100 bucks left of my fucking giraffe kings. And I said, you know what? Let me bet against McKenzie with this girl. on her hand. And I like, this fight's going to be Vogue and this Spanish kid, I go, I think they're going to go right at it. I go, let me go under three and a half.

That's the best I had. And I went to bed. I didn't even know. I watched the whatever fight, so I didn't go back on, I didn't go back on draft kings. I won. Right, right. The other fight, I went to bed.

I wake up the next morning. He knocks him out. But I look at the other one to see how much I want on the other one. it was supposed to be like $25 to win $52 to fight lost. I'm like, how did I win and I lost? Because if then, you know, Draft King sends you to, by the way, if two, if it's unanimous all three cards, then you lose.

So, hey, you live in your life. But I'm not trying to, like, start any shit, but like I bought these fights and I've been buying them for a while. I've been buying them for years. I don't think I'm buying any more of the pay-per-views. I, to be honest, I always think, like, the last fight was really good.

I didn't get to watch the prelims. For the amount of money, the $80 that they cost now, I think the fight nights are way better. You know, you have to look at your budget and see where you stand. I mean, listen, guys, I used to watch every fight, and if I wasn't watching it,

I'd be at the fight. and that got old after a while there's too many fucking stairs at these arenas and I'm walking up the stairs and people are yelling meanwhile I'm having an anxiety attack just because I see stairs and not just three of them

it's like 42 and you just you know you realize you don't want to be in public time you know whatever I don't know what happened but now I get a card every three cards Right. Every three or four cards,

but it's got to be everything has to match. The honeymoon is can't be on. My daughter's sleeping out or she's sleeping in with a girlfriend or I got the TV off to myself till two. I got to like three of the fights on the card. I got a bet one fight. It's big for me. Like I'm looking forward to $2.99.

Who's that one? That's the one I think in Miami. that Gus Maria against that Savage, that Sugar State against somebody. I'm looking forward to that card. 300, 300, it's not. Even if they put Ronda Rousey or whatever, give us some new something. There's got to be a rivalry going in there. There's got to be something to that effect going in there to really,

and that's what they don't have. They have no kind of McGregor for 300. They really got to get something in there. they got to do what Wild World of Sports to get a guy to stand with a glass in front of him and somebody shoots him with a 22 and he takes the bullet right out of the fucking air.

Well, you got to figure out something at this point, the 300 for people to lay that money. McGregor's not going to be there. They're just announced the headliners. It was Jemal Hill versus the guy who is, Anasania fought. If I know Dana White,

Dana White's got something up his sleeve. it ain't over to the fat lady singers of people like Dana White. I believe in for that. You know, Dana's put some great cards together. Listen, like anything,

there's great cards and there's shitty cards. There's great comics and there's shitty comics, you know. Oh, yeah. And that was the thing is like this one, I was looking, like this one, the pay-per-view,

for the first time in a while, to me, look like a bunch of great fights. And I get it. Like, people have off nights. It's not a knock on the fighters at all. It's just with the amount of like there's less fights on the cards now.

And like it just when when you're looking forward to a card and I think that's probably why the fight nights are good because you like you don't really know what to expect or I don't because I'm not like a humongous fan. But on the pay per views I see these names. I'm like, oh, this is going to be a fucking awesome night. This is going to be a one that like is worth it. And then like when the fights are just okay, it's a bummer. But like I said, I had a trim back on them myself. First of all, let's be honest. I can't make it until one in the morning.

No? I mean, listen, when Joe came here for UFC, he begged me. And I was honest with him. I go, Joe, there's no way. He goes, get a room and get you a room. Joe, I'm walking out of that fucking New York City at 115. 120. I'm waiting for you till two.

You want to go eat. That's 3.3.30. Maybe you want to shoot pool, that's four or five. Forget it. That's too late for Uncle Joey. There's no way I could sit there from seven to ten. My hemorrhoid would blow. So I would have to get there at 10 to get excited.

And it's only, you did say that. It's five fights. You're paying $80 for five fights. You know, so I get what people's complain on. You move on. You become a Belator fan. What are you on from me? You know what I'm saying?

I haven't tried any of those out yet. Like that's how I, I just don't know. Is there one that you like? I know there's PFL that just, I think, bought Bellator. I haven't watched any of the bear. Have you watched the Bear Knuckles stuff yet? No, it's too brutal for Uncle Joey. That fucking kid's a killer, Diamond Mike Perry.

I love him. I love him. But I don't want to be around that dude. I don't even want to watch. Bus people's mouths and shit. I can't. He's a Florida guy. That guy's been doing.

that since he was four. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. He's, uh, dude. I like jihitu tournaments. Yeah? Not the all day ones. You know, again, you got me for an hour, 45 minutes before I go.

I'm too old to be watching his shit. You know what I'm saying? So I don't fucking know. Have you thought about competing? Oh, yeah. Every morning I wake up and I'm like, I'm going to drink a day shake and do some cameras. Steroids so I could go in the room. Are you fucking crazyly? In like the Masters Division.

I would fucking die. Why? Today I went. And he thought a simple throw. So the first time they want you to get the footing, it was a hip throw. The second time he wants you to get the, you know. So I do everything he tells me to the teeth. And I'm drilling it.

I'm drilling it to get a warm up, you know, to move around. And all of a sudden it was my turn, you know, or it was my turn to fly. So the guy picked me up the first time, second time he put me on his hip. The third time, you know, I told him this is part of what I signed up for. So laying on me, just don't fucking throw me up in the air like some Japanese guy, you know, control me. And, dog, it was a nothing, he just threw me maybe four feet in the air. Go, the oxygen got knocked out of me for 10 seconds. Like, I laid there, I hit the thing, I broke the fall like he told me.

But no, no, that would destroy my insides right now. Some guy that judo throw on me, I got a tap right after that, and then go in and come out with a knife. How are you going to throw a 60-year-old man like that? Do you think they're going to put someone on you that can judo throw you? Dog, they're 60-year-olds that are so fucking strong. these guys have been doing jujitsu since they were 40 or 35 they've developed that donkey strength and yeah they don't go to class every day like they used to but they're still strong and they've been

doing it for fucking 18 years and that strength and a competition especially if they're used to competing I'm not used to competing I would have an anxiety attack listen I'm the first guy to tell you I would have the fucking worst breathing that's times I go to class and I get little anxiety attacks like I'm like I'm breathing heavier because wow I'm losing it you know so I'm hit to all this I'm listen I'm very content with doing what I'm doing since it was 44 and I started hitting the bag again I've always known that I was never going to go into the ring I was never going to challenge nobody yeah those days are long gone I'm doing it just to work out and that's what's helped me so much with Jiu-Jitsu. I wish more old guys would join

Jiu-Jitsu because I mastered how to go in there, save yourself, rogue correctly, and I stretch, I bulletproof my body, you know, I fucking lift weights around it, I walk. I'm not fucking Ryan Gordon, but it's a different, it becomes something different. I drill more. I put more effort into drilling now because it's the best I got. If I drill during class and I do two or three rolls, I'm good.

Today I did two rolls. That was it. That was it. I was good. Now I can make it to come back another day. But in L.A., I wasn't doing that. I was doing 10 rolls and then trying to figure out why I can't walk.

Well, you're 55 and you're 2,000 pounds overweight, Joey. That's why you can't walk. And with that, now, for a word, for my sponsors, Jack. Hey, it's Uncle Joey here. I'm sorry to interrupt the show, but I'm bringing you something tremendous. You ready? You tired of cooking?

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The snacks are healthy. Listen, those wellness shots, forget about it. You'll be jumping up and down for days. That turmeric, forget about it. They got two other ones, but I know the turmeric, I think it's got pepper in it. Forget about it. I was jumping around speaking Spanish. It was tremendous.

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Like herpes and God knows what else. You know what I'm saying? I just saw something tonight that you can't fucking niacin is killing motherfuckers. You know, man, I'm sick and tired of this. fucking government because they give you shit and then 10 years later you see an ad. Did you use this? If you use this call your attorney now, you may have a lawsuit going. You know, I don't use talcum powder no more.

I love top of powder. Yeah, that sucks. I put it everywhere as a kid. My feet, my hair, my ears, I love the feeling of talcum powder. And then one day, everybody started hating talcum powder. I don't know what it was. It's okay to hate talcum powder. Taukampo is going to fucking kill you, but cocaine is okay.

You know what I'm saying? People are fucking dying from Talkan powder every fucking day. I think women can't put in their pussies. That's what it was. Sorry about it. They can't put it in their vaginal spread. That's what it was. It don't affect guys, but any smart person knows a chubby guy's best friend is fucking

powder. I happen on my fucking nightstand. Yeah, especially July-A-Lugust. Anyway, I don't even know how we got on fucking Niasin. You said something on the news? Yeah. When I got out of fucking the joint, I went to the halfway house. And one of the ways they had to fucking get, be the UA at first, was to eat niacin. Okay? I don't know what Niasin does to you. No. Like two pills and you start getting warm. Right? Like you start fucking, your skin gets with.

your neck, your eyeballs. Dog, I must be eating, I did like an eight ball and a half. I must, for a whole day, I was eating niacin. I just kept getting redder and redder by the fuck. I didn't know what was going on. I must have eaten niacin for a month. And then finally, I ate like a jar of it. And I still came back positive.

I never did niacin again, you know what I'm saying? Jesus. What is niacin? Huh? What is niacin? You go to whole food. You go up to a little Chinese lady. you go listen. I need some fucking

niacin, okay? And they give you a niacin. Niacin comes in a pill form out of form. I think I was doing capsules like the, no, I was doing like aspirin type motherfuckers. Okay.

One day I didn't take him no more and I in fact left them there. And one night I got some coke. I ran out on an anastol and I just ground those fucking niacin's niacin pills up the next day I went over

and the guy was like man my nose is on fire yeah yeah so what did the news say do you have cancer like what is the news say what is niusin

I was in here reading and fucking you know I got back into reading again thank God I witness news comes out whatever that fucking a debt. And I didn't want to go out there and turn it all.

But also he's like, Nyerson. I'm like, Nyerson. I haven't heard of like 30 years. I'm like, what in the fuck that I fuck around with myis? I'm like, that's right. I kept eating it to beat the fucking drug test. Jesus. What a fucking lie. That's fucked up. And people are still doing, like, people are still trying to get away from drug tests. Like, thank God I've never had a job that did that, but

you can buy piss at a fucking health food shop now. You can buy like something you put in your listen, you know what? I'm very happy I don't go through that shit anymore. That was one of the hardest times of my fucking life. Having a past drug test? Oh, that was like a

fucking three-year struggle. I took drug test from fucking 1989 to 1991 and then no 1990 no no no like 91 and then when I got divorced my wife threw a fucking hook on me like in 94 that she wanted a drug test me

fuck and I think because you've talked about a little bit before obviously with some stories you said coke is quick to get out but weed stays for a while is that what it is? 72 days 72 hours for cocaine okay if you're a chubby motherfucker like I wasn't chubby back then

So that shit dissolved in 70. But if you have chubbiness on you, any weight, fat, it stores in there that shit. So you're going to come back. You might be clean for that moment. Excuse me. Then two days later, you come back positive. You're like, what the fuck?

It's like this COVID. Some people are positive for like a month from COVID. Yeah. No, definitely. I didn't know that the drugs and could live in the fat. I don't trust. I learned the hard way. I mean.

fuck. When I think of those times when you walk into a halfway house and you go to sign into your folder and there's like a red dot, that means go see your counselor immediately. And you know what it's about. You know what it's for.

Now I got to put out my lying face. And I go in there. What is this going to end? Mr. Diaz, what are you talking about? You came up positive for cocaine. you know, go upstairs, you're on suspension, you can't leave the premises until we decide what happens.

Dog, I did that like three fucking times. That shit gets fucking old. And I sit back down and go, why didn't I just quit? It was just going to be for a year. I couldn't. I couldn't, you know. I was so in it that I just couldn't, you know.

So I'm sorry about that, but I had a good time trying to beat him. How many did you fail? On paper, let me think. Did you get away with it more? I definitely failed the one going into prison. Okay. All right.

And what happened was I was doing Coke all weekend, right, when I got sentenced on a Monday morning. But like Sunday night, I came out of the Coke hog, the Coke fog, and I started eating and drinking orange juice, and I went downstairs and I hit the bag. and shit. So I sweat a bunch. So I was feeling good. I went to better. No, I snorted coke that night, too. I stayed up. Court was at fucking nine, right? I put a suit on with a shirt, fucking pants, shoes, the whole thing. I eat something. Maybe I didn't. Maybe I drank a beer. And I go to court.

And I get sentenced to fucking four years, six years. And the next thing you know, Lee, I go, they lead me away in handcuffs. You know, everybody's crying in the courtroom. I'm not crying. I just lost my voice in front of the judge, aka I choked. And now I'm in myself, sitting there by myself with cameras on it.

And I'm feeling like shit. I'm like, fuck, my mother is watching this. My father is watching this. You know, my friends are going to find out. You know, I turned it up, ending up, just like they thought I would. and something made me go in my pocket. And I go on my pocket.

I'm like, no. And there's a bindle, but it's swollen. Jesus. I hope this ain't a Coke rock. And I take it out, and there's cameras watching me. So I don't like, make believe I was shitting. And I looked at it, I'm like, there's a Coke rock.

I just grinded that motherfucker up right there. And I turned around, like I was sneezing. And I put, like, a dund. dollar bill in their head. I fucking did it in one shot. And I got so high for like 15 minutes. I thought they were going to come and get me. And then I passed out.

I'd been so proud of. That's it. I was found guilty. It's over. Whatever it was stressing you out for the last 18 months is over. So I passed out for like three hours. They woke me out.

They gave me my uniform and shit. They put me in my cell. And then the next day I had to go for a county jail physical because HIV was big at the time. Damn. That's when they tested me. They took blood out. That's the first time. And I didn't faint.

And then that's when that, when that test came back, by the time I got up to Summit County Jail, that test came back. And the lady was looking at me like, ooh, lor-de. She's like, woo. just the fact that you walked in here. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And she goes, you had everything in your system. Jesus. At the time when I went to court,

by the time I got sentenced, I had like five heavy-duty drugs in my system. Jesus. Weed, Coke, fucking whatever they call quailudes and fucking Valium. And there was something else that they were like, how the fuck do you have this in your system? Do you think that's maybe why you couldn't talk to the judge?

I don't know. Fucking Christ. I don't know. And then I got out of there. No, then I went to the state jail to get tested. And at that I was like, whoo, your TAC levels are cooking, Jack. Fuck. When was the last?

So that proved to me that the Coke was out of my system. and that was maybe two weeks later, but my TAC levels was still fucking on fire. And then I went to prison. And now they're looking at all these levels. Because when you go into that halfway house or wherever you're going to go, if they test you,

they look at those levels to see if you got high on the walk to school. You know what I'm saying? Oh, damn. Okay, so if you were fat or something like it would still be in your system a little bit when you got to the halfway house? No, I'm 27 years old.

They're in an inch of fucking fat on me. You know, I'm 27. I'm hitting the gym. I'm walking in circles of the thing. I'm eating right. You know, they're in an ounce of fucking fat on me. So nothing was really sticking, you know. But I remember, like, December they gave me a booby trap one,

and I came back spotless. The THC had been out of my system. So it was a big difference. The last test I had taken was September 1st to December, like it was January 1st. Everything had disappeared. Everything was out of my system. And I had done acid in there, but the acid wouldn't come up as anything.

They couldn't test for that. No, they couldn't test for that. Did your halfway house care about weed or just coke? Halfway house cared about fucking everything. So then when you get to the halfway house, they test you again, and they compare it to your levels. and that's the level it better stay at. And they say the only reason why the fucking THC should raise is if you ate poppy seeds

or something like, you know, they always had some bullshit story for you to get out of it. But in reality, it's a tough case to make in court that you ate two bagels and you tested positive for THC. Right. Oh, I don't know you were talking shit at the beginning about like, like being sick of your birthdays. But like the birthday, today must have been

way better than like a halfway house birthday. I didn't spend, my birthday was one day. I didn't spend in any of those places. Really? Because at the time I got to the halfway house on my birthday in 89, or 90,

80, I was already moving. I was working. I had a job, you know, I was doing my thing. Okay. So,

I am surprised you didn't spend a birthday at the halfway house. No, I wasn't, I was at the halfway house, but I wasn't inside, is what I'm saying. I was never really inside on my birthday. Because I got a rest in November. I stayed in there until January, and then I got sentenced in August, and I stayed down there. Oh, no, no, no. Yes, you're right. I was locked up for my birthday one year.

I don't remember it, but if I knew me, it was at George West. and my wife came to see me with a miniskirt and no undies. Oh, that's not bad. No. Okay. Well, I'm happy you're still here. You know, listen, man, it's all an education. It was all part of the education of the guy I became.

I accepted it. As soon as I came out, I was happy. It didn't bother me anymore. You know, I had a little paranoia that people were watching me, but after a while, it just wore off. And it was like I was proud to go in because I had paid for my debt, you know, until today I'm very proud.

I'm very proud of, I'm just proud of that whole thing because I wouldn't be here today without that situation. No, absolutely. And I just, because you were talking about, you know, how you age and how quickly it goes.

Like, and yeah, I mean, that was, what was it, 30-something years ago? No, not 30. Yeah. Yeah, that's all that stuff. A lifetime ago. You know, it's like a lifetime ago. Like people, you know, in your mind, you think like people still remember it.

They don't, life went on for them. You know, life went on for them. I walked around with the shame for a long time because that's, you know, I was raised correctly. Right. I don't want to go to jail. Then somewhere along the line is where I got fucking crazy. but, you know, I look at it now and I'm fucking happy I went to jail. I'm happy that judge sent me.

I'm happy that when I came out, my wife, you know, life is a fucking struggle, man. And if you do it the right way, you still get fucking penalized somewhere along the line. Everybody's always going to have their own personal Vietnam, okay? Every hooker's got a hard luck story. All right. End the fucking story. And last time I checked, I'm a fucking. hooker. I don't have a degree.

And last time I checked, as of recently, you're a half a hooker. You know? Yeah. That's what we do is stand the comic. So, but it's all good. I accepted it. That's it. You accepted? I don't care if you're a half a hooker. And then my mom told me something that always stayed with me. She was like, listen, I don't care if you grow up to be a janitor. As long as you're the best one in the fucking building. is there a fucking medal for the best janitor to know

but I want you to know that you're doing the best job that you can and you know whether it's jih Tzu or stand-up you know right now you're in an area in your life where you're getting your routine now right and you have a hard routine that a lot of people listen the toughest part of my life was working five days a week and doing comedy seven nights a week that's when life gets fucking real. You're doing it without fucking glitter powder at night,

staying up until six in the morning. Think if I kept you out four nights a week until six in the morning. I wouldn't be able to. Dog, I did it. That's what I'm saying to you. This is, it's, it all just becomes a part of it,

whether it's right or wrong. And then you lose stupid shit along the way. And that's what, that's what it means to be 61. I mean, I know for a while you never thought you'd be 61. But like when you, I don't know, when you were like 40s or did you ever think about like what your life would look like? Not once. Okay.

Not once. But if it did, if I did think about it, it was going to be like this. No. No, I didn't see it like this at all. With a family and a house and a house and a. car and you know no I saw myself living in a room half the size of this

with a mattress and a cat bowl and a cat and a blanket and a fucking heater and maybe one of those what do you call those two stoves that you have in your house? Oh a hot plate? A hot plate maybe a coffee maker

tea I thought of myself with a TV a carpet would be a luxury you know what I'm saying I'm going to kill these motherfuckers. You know, I always saw myself living like Charles Brunson at the end of hard times. Alone and I was satisfied.

And now I look at my life and I go, what the fuck? I got somebody I talked in the morning. You know, for 10 minutes, she comes down here and talks to me in the morning about stupid shit or whatever. Right. I have a wife I talked to. It really was a fucking surprise, man. And I didn't come from a family-based home.

I had a family, but we ran like four Puerto Ricans, three Puerto Ricans in that house. You know, and I never wanted to do that again. I never wanted a house like that again. There was just three people going in their own directions every morning. That's not a family. That's a business. That's a, you know, I didn't want that. So I'm, you know, ever since I don't do confidence,

comedy as much, you know, you don't get a lot of people telling you did great. You know what I'm saying? So one of the things I had to start doing was telling myself that I was good, the little things that I was doing, whether it's working out, whether it's doing an open mic. So, you know, that's where I am right now. And I'm pretty fucking happy about it. I'm okay. I'm fucking fine, man.

I'm having a great time. It's my time right now. You know, I got four more years in the fucking workforce. You know, on paper. On paper, but... You're counting down? What's that? There's no countdown.

I'm just looking at my options. I'm thinking and doing a lot of things. Listen, I have come to the agreement that there's nothing that would make me happier. All these people, I'm going to sizzling. There's nothing that would make me happier than to do comedy once a week. I had a set place where I knew my limitations.

I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew what time I'm leaving the house and I know what time I'm getting back. I'm ready for something like that. Am I ready this week? No, but I'm ready. Like I feel good I know where I'm at now

I'm caught up a little better My daytime schedule I finally got it to run smooth It took me three and a half fucking years You know It's always shaky I didn't know now I got it down Like my mornings and shit I got a great morning

Some mornings like Wednesday Thursday and Friday I got a book at eight out of here or sometimes seven 45 tomorrow I got a late start I can leave here at 930 quarter to 10 Wednesday's acupuncture I'm there at 9 sharp you know so I got a pretty good schedule I got meetings I got a big meeting tomorrow at two for the book you know bring it on bitch whatever but that's what this so far at the six week mark seven

I got six sets and that's what I feel because last week when I didn't go down there and I got caught up doing something else I got to be honest with you I missed it yeah

I just don't want it to be big I want it to be you know kind of kept under control more of a family type room I'm looking at a restaurant nice

I'm looking at a casino and I'm looking at another casino right now. And that's where we're at, brother. That's awesome. It's crazy how disciplined you are with like having a schedule during the day? Always since you've known. Yeah, that's crazy.

I don't think most people do that. Because with comedy, you'll get lost. Remember, when you join comedy, you know, someday you're going to go pro. Okay. And that's like me letting you out of a fucking priest. isn't. Why is that? Because when you have six weeks in a row and three of the weeks are Milwaukee, Minneapolis and Chicago, you ain't coming back. Got it. So you come a nomad. So what does that do?

So that means four nights a week, you stay in your hotel room all day until showtime and then leave. That's what I did for three years. Yeah. You find, you know what? I'm, I'm going to get up at eight, go to the gym, walk, call my mother, pray to the Jewish God, do this, take an nap, lift weights, eat lunch. You start getting the schedule. For years, my schedule was snort Coke, wake up, eat lunch, go back to bed. Yeah. Get up, snort more Coke, do two lunch. And I was doing it correctly.

When my sets the best, ah. depend what night you caught me, how much cocaine battery acid I had in my system. But that was my system. When I cleaned up my road schedule, and then you came into my life and I had all these other things, that schedule was as tight as a fucking drum

on a daily basis. You could find all shit in me talking about, I could tell you where I'm going to be at a short of the day. I have to start doing that more. I had my schedule down to that type of system. And somebody would look at me and go, Joe, you're full of shit.

You don't have it like that. Asly, my notebook, if I go through my boxes, I'll find those notebooks from 2018, because I remember putting them in there when I moved and looking at them after I got here. When we took them out, they're somewhere around here. And I remember looking at those notebooks going, I couldn't believe I was 50 in doing that.

Yeah. The flights, the two podcasts with you, the two workouts, two jujitsu's, two karate's with mercy. You know, it was tight. Like my schedule used to be bang, bang, bang. I went home from six to maybe seven, and either I hooked up with you or I went to the store Tuesdays and Thursdays and Saturdays. Right. We're at the fourth wall or something. But when you start making progress,

as a comic is when your schedule, well, listen, why do we keep saying the word comic? When you make progress from your life, you know, is when you start getting your day down early in the morning. And never mind, listen, you're going to write shit down at first and you're going to get up and look it and go, Joey's crazy. That's the drugs talking. But if you keep writing it down, I'm going to do this at 9.30 when I'm on the road. Eventually, one day you're going to go, I'm going to do it. And now you're going to feel good. You're going to go, I can't believe I did it. And then you're going to do it in two days and three days.

Now you're going to do it every day. And that's what I had to do here. I had to refine the fucking, I had to redefine my schedule. I didn't have the weed store no more to go visit. That was in my store. Go to the weed store. Then I would go to crowd therapy because they were right next to each other. It was a perfect fucking scam.

You know, and then I would come back and I would go home. And from there, I would go to Alberta, Crane, in Burbank, come home, meet you at three. If we had an afternoon, that means I had the night with the girls, or I was going to the store. It was never ending, but everything was written on paper. Right. I remember. Everything. Everything. You know, this is the third week in a row. I've written three people's names down that I have to call ASAP yesterday. It's been three weeks. I still haven't called. Why? Because life gets in the way. don't look at it until Thursday.

Okay. You know, it's just, but eventually, I'm going to look at that on a Monday morning and go, I got to call these three motherfuckers because I keep writing it down. Just because you didn't do it, that's fine. At least you wrote it down. That's a start. I'd rather you write it down and not do it than put in your mind than not do it. Writing it down eventually or fucking hold you accountable.

And that's when you... really good at what you do when you become accountable for your days if I talk to fucking if I grab five people and I go describe Burke Price's day to you they think he's hula hooping all day right they think he's drinking by the pool

with 20 people they don't know that Bert writes Burke gets blood transfusions you know Bert's got to do a lot of things to be Bert you know you know, people have no idea. They think we just fucking run a yacht all day with a bunch of bitches.

It's a stupid video. And hey, we're writing, we're going to acting classes, we're meeting with writers to write, you're meeting with your friends to write jokes. You know, this is if you want to get anywhere. You're not living like Belushi and Blues Brothers fucking getting up at 12,

burping in people's faces. You're just doing comedy to fucking, you know, to fucking do substance abuse. That's completely different. Which, Joey, you were doing kind of the same. Yes and no. Yes. Your career took off?

I was paying attention. You were in your career took off when you stopped. Like, I was thinking if you ever, and I'm sure you just, it just doesn't happen at this point. But like, let's just say you didn't write out in your notebook one week or like you lost your notebook. Like, how would you feel? like you didn't have this.

I'd rather lose my fucking wallet than lose my notebook. Not because if you read the journals and shit, you're not going to go, well, you know, look, you admit they're shooting three people in 19. Now, I don't write that in there. I'm not that dumb. Because I want to see how I was feeling a month before. I want to see how I was feeling in October.

You know, every once in a while I smoke a joint, I think backwards. I go look at, what's this month? February. I go to a Cobra and see what I was going through, September. August. And I know what I was going through in August. I had the pneumonia. I couldn't fucking breathe. I couldn't go to Jiu-Jitsu. So I was ready to stabtery people.

I didn't know you roll like an actual journal, journal. I do everything. We're comics, man. We're comics and 60% of our genera. I don't know how to say the word. 60% of what we generate is what we write. So I'm not asking you to write a sitcom,

and I'm not asking you to write a script. I'm just asking you to become the best writer for you that you can. That's all these people, everybody wants to be a writer with a hat and a feather, and they go on stage and they eat a bag of dicks. You know what I'm saying? Right. Oh, yeah.

I'm a writer on fucking the Tonight Show. And he goes on stage And the guy's having you with knock knock jokes Because he's up the room all day We write for us Later on in life If somebody comes up to you And you're that fortune they go

We want you on staff to write Yeah, we get paid to write for them now But right now in the early stages You're learning how to write for you And what works for you You know what, Joey? Fuck you motherfuckers I don't like writing in a notebook

I like writing on stage whatever works for you. Are you writing the jokes down? Nah, I just remember them. Then this is not going to work out right. How do you know? You're looking at them. You've been to get that notebook cock suck.

I think I've had a notebook since 95 or 94, maybe 93. And then I incorporated different. There was a thing years ago in the 90s called the writer's way. Right, a notebook. 95. It was like a book. And one of the things they talked about, one of the things, I read the book. Did it work for me?

No, I'm not fucking no writer, but I took something from that book. I can't remember what it was. Oh, to write when you wake up to get that diarrhea off your mind for 10 or 15 minutes. I read that in 95 and 96 or 94, and it blew me to fuck away. because I would do it at night when I got back from doing comedy I would log in my set my weight

you know and how I did today or whatever when I read the writers away I dumped in the morning just about anything what's going on when you wake up there's something going on I don't care if you write down

and you got to be honest with it because if not it's not going to work right you wake up and you're thinking about elephants in Africa, don't wake up in the morning and tell me you're thinking about how much you love your daughter. You lied to the most important person in the world, that fucking notebook, which is your fucking mirror.

Talk about what you dreamt about. I drank about three monkeys, fucking a gorilla. And one of them was making them eat coconuts with his fucking dick. Okay, write it out. You know, if you want to take it to your therapist, take it to your therapist. It's not that I was going to a therapist at that time. The only thing I would go to a therapist at that time was to see if she walked away from her purse

so I could clip a fucking, the small 20 in the credit card. Damn. But that started really working for me, dumping in the morning. And then at the end of that dump going, you know what? It's not all a Black Sabbath song. Let me give it to you what's really happening. Now I'm going to wake up. I feel good.

I'm going to go out there. I'm going to tell my boss to suck my dick. You know, whatever your goal is for the day. But I would always dump first. That's why I got that from. I didn't invent that. I got that from the writers way. Is it hard to be that honest?

Like, we always, not like a straight-out line, but someone asks you how you're doing, and you say, oh, good. And look, even if you're like, it's hard. Like, I don't know if I'm anywhere, I'm like 100% honest like that. Comedy is not comedy until you're 100% honest. you're not going to become the best comic you can until you're 100% honest,

even when you're telling a lie. What does that mean? That means, hi guys, I would ever tell you I did coke with my cat. All right, okay. That's a bold lie. But people go to me, that's the best joke you have.

Oh, my God, I can't believe you did coke with your cat. That's the biggest lie I've ever told them my life. People leave the show going, I can't believe that guy snorted Coke with his back. That's a lot of you. But when I'm just saying it to you, I'm fucking telling you. What'd you do, Lee? I went to the movies with Athena. What'd you do?

I snorted coke with my cat. And before you could go, no, I'm already down your throat. It was tremendous. We got an eight ball. We waded up together. I just put it in his nose. And then as the night got older, I rolled up a little piece of paper and I put it in his nose and I would put the coke in it and blow it in his nose.

And you're sitting there going, what the fuck is this guy talking about? But that's telling the truth. Uncommon. Maybe it's a fantasy of yours. Tell the truth. What's your real fantasy? I want a lady to fucking cut my dick off like a Jew ceremony to cut the skin off and whip me with it.

Talk about it. Okay. That's why it's where can that? I feel like I am the most honest on stage. But it's... I'm sorry. The other day, I'm thinking about this. The joke I told you that, you know, one of my fantasies is to smell a turban.

I'll pay you talking about some small turbines. Yeah, that's one of my fantasies is a joke. What's my real fantasy to go up to a woman and say, let me sniff the inside of that Botox pussy, you know, or something like that? I don't fucking know. Right. What are you really wanting a day to happen? You really want to smell a turbine? No, what's your fantasy for some Chinese chick to rub my nuts with a little skinny Chinese toes?

And hopefully they smell like soy sauce to really get the party started. I would love to read this notebook now because I feel like that's all over the notebook. All right, I'll let you read it next week. I love you, cocksucker. Love you, buddy. Being a part of this. And thank you guys at home for being a part of this. where you're at this week, Lee.

Drop it on them. I met the Providence Comedy Connection. I just looked at the website. It looked like things might have changed Friday and Saturday with Zach Fox now, new headliner. We'll see if I'm even on the shows. I didn't know the headliner changed. I just found out right now, but I'm excited. Well, welcome to the world of comedy.

You're always the last one to not know. Oh, I know. I just went on right now, but I'm excited to be there. You're going to show up on Friday. There's going to be an Elvis impersonated that. a Chinese meant to really get under your skin. Like one of those Japanese Elvis impersonators and shit.

What are you doing here? I hear too. Too a bustle-liss. You're like, what the fuck? Where's my life going to, I lost a $200 spot to a fucking Japanese Elvis want to be here. How the fuck is happening in my life? I hear too.

Anyway, I hear too, yeah. Anyway, I got to take two steps to the rear and get out of. I'm in the wind. Later. Have a great week, everybody. Love you. And now for a word for a motherfucking sponsor, Jack.

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