The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - I'll be back, Jack!

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about the people that drive Joey Diaz crazy, the rat Joey saw in 1968 that he can't stop thinking about, how great it was watching The Cowboys in the 70's and 80's, and much more! Support the show and get your 1st month of BlueChew for free. Use promo code DIAZ at https://www.bluechew.com This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/diaz Support the show and download the DraftKings app with code JOEY. New customers can play $5 and win $50 instantly in Casino Credits. The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

Yeah, this is you, dog. What are you waiting on? What are you going to end up with a white chick with a schadoodle dog when those ugly fucking dogs? That's the ugliest dog ever fucking made. You know that? I hate those dogs with all my heart. Yesterday I'm in a kid's football game.

I got two dads there next to me trying to watch the game and two other dads and their wives trying to watch the cheerily the daughters. And this fucking lady, you know, with a scadoodle dog with mushy hair. I didn't even wash her ass before he left with a Starbucks coffee. Talking to eight other idiots with Starbucks coffee. And we can't watch the fucking game with a fucking schadoodle dog, you know?

What's a, can you think? What, you've said that like eight times? What's a schadoodle dog? Dogs that have little afros is like a big French poodle. Oh, okay. I've never seen in my life. I love dogs, but that dog bothers me because I know it's the official dog of the Gentile. You know, it's the official.

Dog of the Gentile. God forbid, you ain't got one of those in a fucking an Elon Musk car, whatever a fuck, Tesla. A Tesla? You wouldn't get a Tesla? Listen, not in a million fucking youth. Those people can't drive.

The battery's $30,000. Where's the bargain? It's a fucking, you know, it's a followers, it's a sheep fucking world. Baa! BAM! Let me get a Tesla so my friends accept me. I already got the tattoo

on my cap. I got the Tesla. I got the fucking lesbian head dude What the fuck? Yeah. When does it end? But it drives for you. Yeah, that's great. That's great.

That's what I'm going to trust. On the 101, headed to San Diego when I got a gig, the fucking Tesla. With my luck, the battery will run out and shit. You know, leave me alone. All right. Where's the arrow?

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Turn out your TVs, run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you've got to be thinking. Welcome back to show! What up, Mook? I'm doing great. I'm happy to see you.

Good to see you last Wednesday night after. Dojo was a great show. We had great sets. Great to be back on state. You know, I've been fired up since that night. Really? My blood pressure has been running a little high this week. I've had to curse a couple motherfuckers.

That explains it. Remind people. Yeah, stand-up gets me fired up. I love it. What was it about that one that was different than like the other sets? I hadn't been on stage in a month. And the time before that, I hadn't been on stage since June. So, you know, two minutes at the garden age.

shit. Right. And then I, why that set was special to me, first of all, I did 15 minutes. Mm-hmm. I was very relaxed.

And I talked about stuff. I didn't want to talk about. Like, I spoke about stuff I wanted to talk about, you know, stuff that suited me. It took me a couple years to, I didn't want to go up there

with the same shit, just rewriting my jokes. I didn't want to do that. The audience is too smart. to that. There's too much comedy and there's too much entertainment to go out there with a big game. Too much. And that's how I look at it. There's too much great comics right now that you're going to go out with a fucking B game. And then with the internet, you get ridiculed. Yeah. You know, so they go to your ticket sale. So if you're going out there, you've got to go

there were three guns. And, like, you felt, I mean... I felt like I got somewhere for the first time in four years. Wow. That's what I was to say. I felt, like, comically, comedically, I got on stage. I went through a tough time, and just like cocaine blocks your heart. Right.

From saying what you want. I think the drug use of L.A. Blocked my heart along with the fucking Xanax. It just blocked it for a while. I was not quick on stage. I was not, it took me a while, man. And this break from it just helped, you know. But you did great.

I mean, thank you, buddy. I watched your last six minutes, and I was blown the fuck away on the improvement and how I hate when people give up on shit. Because I did it for years, and I want to kill myself now. I'll kill myself because of the,

seriously. Like I'm telling you from the heart, I want to cry sometimes because, you know, we quit. Right. We quit. We make excuses. And I did it for years. And thank God, I stuck to this like a soldier. And I respected it. And here we are today. Well, it's so crazy. Like, you've talked about home clubs. And I've only been here a week, so I don't have a home club yet. But there's something when, like, when it's a show that people know that you're going to be at the dojo. I've had like two or three shows there where like I go up with like, I don't know, five. If I'm doing 10 minutes, I probably had four or five that was just new for that night.

Like I just sort of riff. I'm not really a riff person, but it was just like the energy in there is just so fun. And I feel like I think what you said earlier, like comfortable. Listen, the best productivity, the best material, the best material, the best performance we do as hard is when we're at so relaxed. Yeah. That's the best performance we're going to do.

That's why before you got on stage, I made you get hired at night. Yes, you didn't. You know, like, there's no way. You know, you want to do good on stage. You've got to go up there relaxed. I don't think alcohol and drugs is the answer. You know, I bust people's balls about it, like, you know.

But you kind of. to go up there relaxed. If it means walking around the corner, you know, and this is the way you got to go up, whether you're at the comedy dungeon or in front of Mitchie Shore, if she makes a comeback and comes up from the grave. That's how you have to look at it sometimes.

So it's very interesting. What do you think about New York after your first week? I'm sort of, A, I'll just start off with a positive. I couldn't love it anymore. I've always wanted to live here. I'm so happy to be here. I've had a mix of good and bad sets, but like I love doing a 9 o'clock open mic on a Saturday.

That was one of the best sets I had all week, and it was an opportunity that wasn't there anywhere else. And then I've done some great shows, and that was fun. Not a negative, but I feel a little bit the way it sounds like you felt when you first got to Jersey. I'm just like, the last couple months, it's been such a whirlwind of like getting ready, working, doing everything,

finding all the, and now I'm like here. And there's, A, a lot of pressure and B, like, I'm alone. I have people around me, but I'm also alone for the first time in four years. Which is fucking greatly. It's awesome. It's great.

That's something that is great. You know, I always talk about people judging us. By what we said 10 years ago or 20 years ago, well, I'm sure if you look up an old church prior 2017, before that,

I would have told you you were crazy and I was never going to go back that it was a fucking crazy city and I came back for two weeks and I was like, what the fuck am I doing in California? What the fuck am I wasting my goddamn time for? Yeah, I don't blame me.

And now you come here and I'm sure 14 years ago I, no 14, 14, you know, seven, eight years ago, I tortured you. You know, I know for a fact. Now I got to eat my words, but hey, at least I'm honest enough to fucking say that. And here we both are in the metropolitan area.

Both of us are loving it, you know. I mean, yesterday I had a fucking fantastic daily. Oh, yeah? It wasn't about me. I went to my friend's seminar, a weight loss seminar. He's fucking great, this guy. Nice. It was a different level of seminar.

This is about fat loss from how it starts from yourselves and how you have to get son to lose weight. I mean, this was heavy fucking duty. I had to leave because my aunt called from Cuba because Ari's going up there with Rob Kelly. Oh, shit. My aunt will come up when he gets off the fucking flight, like, you know, dancing girls, the whole fucking thing.

Santa Ria chickens. So she called me and I had to step outside. Then I had to go to a jituituituituituit. my friend's daughter, who's also my daughter, my friend, I like her family, invited us the night before. I thought it was next Sunday. So I went to that, and that was fucking great.

I saw all the kids from my class. I saw the professors. I saw Jason from Revel. I saw fucking, and he blew me away. I love that guy's videos. I saw Bernardo from our school. I saw Bagabundo from Long Branch. Gracie Long Branch.

I mean, it was just great to see those guys. I hadn't seen a handful of those guys in the wall. And then I went to see my buddy Joey's game. Okay. And little Joey. Came home. I did a few bong hits. You know, I left.

It got really hot. And I'm like, fuck, I got to go to this game now at 3 o'clock. And I get there. And I'm having a great time with, you know, the game starting. The cheerleaders are right in front of us. these like seven-year-old cheer that's doing some of this shit it's out of this world but fuck it

a lady with one of those fucking dogs skedoodle whatever the fuck they call they're standing there you know talking a little fucking Gentile friends about nothing about how stressful life is or whatever the fuck they talk about

and you know I'm sitting there watching the game I wasn't mad about me I don't give a fuck I'm high anyway I'm just there for the vitamin three. It's the two fucking parents with their moms, with their wives, they're like, we can't even see because these lady won't move.

I mean, and I just thought about LA, how people act like, I'm so special. I'm going to stand right here and just talk because they want to hear, nobody wanted to hear this old ratty, fucking dirty bitch with burking socks on

and God knows what else. I hate that. Like when they make a parking space, it's not a parking space. That drives me nuts. Remember we used to go to Marie E.T. It'd always be a discovery park sideways. She was too much in a rush to park the fucking car. There's four parkings.

Now the two people she's blocking have to leave, but she's in there because, you know, hold on one second. I have to get my yoga latte, double fucking breast milk, whatever the fuck they put in there. Look, I saw that one. a week at that place. And he used to drive me crazy because these women didn't even have a job. These women that had to leave, the people who had to leave, they had jobs. These women come in.

You haven't seen your husband in weeks. He's banging a 22-year-old receptionist at Weinstein Town. Now, you think he's out of business. He's just giving your paper to shut you up, you dirty witch. So you could go around, be, I'm going to have a fundraiser at my house. You haven't made a dollar in years. Oh, yeah, you may you spend more than you make. Yeah, get the fuck out of here, fundraiser, these dirty bitches.

Because I believe, you know, eyeball fibrosis, listen, give me a fucking breather. Give me a fucking breather. Enough. I can't take the face. She was blocking everybody. Yeah, like she owned the stadium, you know. And I told the guy, tell him this fucking hack to move that dog, that ugly fucking dog before I sell him to Freddy down there at fucking at King's Chinese Play.

and go down there next week and get those ribs. Those scoodoodles make some good ribs, though. And a good compound chicken. I was going to say, those ribs are so good, even if it was scoodle, I'd probably still get them. I'm telling you, even if I knew it was a dog, I'd still eat them. Those ribs are that good.

You know what I'm saying? Every time I eat Chinese food, I leave there, like, I just ate somebody's cat. And you feel bad for like 10 seconds. And you're like, but that egg roll was good. You look at those inside those egg rolls. It's not a good thing. And that dump food?

That dumpling, that's everything bad that the animal has. You break my heart every time you say that. And I went to like a fast Chinese place last night and I shit almost immediately. Because this is why you're retarded too. Where am I supposed to get Chinese? At a nice Chinese restaurant set. There's got to be a Seshwan joint somewhere in the Upper West Side or the East Side. What the fuck?

You're going to go into some place? The guy's missing an eye. He lost it in a fucking card game in Thailand. And here you are ordering fucking food from him. And what do you expect to get? What do you expect? Even if he eat vegetables there, they coat the vegetables and cat blood and God knows what else. It's a sweet stuff.

I do. But I love, like what I love about it, because like that fake stuff, like I walk into the Chinese place. It's my first time there. And there's a woman yelling at the cashier. Like on the. phone, you said it was going to be $10.50, and it's $12. And the cashier's going, I never see what the price is. I never say what. And they were

just going at it. And then, like, I love that about New York. Like, I haven't seen anything like this. Oh, yeah. You see drama with two days in New York, especially now, today's world. There's probably be drama on the streets at night, some homeless guy kicking a fucking, you know, got to be something. You're walking through that. I love it. Oh, yeah. I'm just telling you better get a little helmet. I think. you should get a little helmet. I was talking to... Yeah, but then I'm going to be the guy walking around

the city with a helmet on. That's okay. They'll leave you alone. I don't want to... Leave a little retarded boy alone. He's okay. He ain't got a bottle of no, but. I don't come up, do you have any money? Oh, ye, ye, yeah, all right.

I don't think I'm gonna... I don't need to add something to get canceled about. Can you imagine that? That might work, though, walking around with a helmet on. I'm telling you. Listen, I was in Harlem when I was like 13. I went to sell. Rucker Bassball.

I'll never forget this. Me, a high school beach, a Cuban kid, another white kid. We were the only whites there. Right. It was petrified. Petrified. I thought it was going to get killed. But Juan Rodriguez, God rest of his soul, had a karate jacket on, like a geek top.

Right. And the whole night I'm like, somebody's going to mess with us. Because this idiot's got a karate top on. Who would wear this out? He was just wearing a karate top as like a shirt? Yeah, like on the way out, he pulled the fucking karate top on it. Like I love him. life and all of a sudden

as we're walking out, I'm like, I don't even want to walk next to you with that jacket on. He goes, he looked at me and goes, you don't see nobody fucking with me, do you? So, you know, perfect. Sometimes they just leave you alone. But why can't I wear a karate?

That might be more effective than the helmet. You don't want to wear a karate jacket, New York, okay? Just walk around, walk on main streets. Don't walk down dark alleys. Don't go into shitty Chinese joints. That's going to be hard. I have to find somewhere to get Chinese.

I haven't had pizza yet. Well, you're surrounded by pizza, but if I know you, you'll walk into that one that's not even cheese. It's like, I had a leftover pizza from Dominoes, and they re-dop it up

and sell it to Moops like you at one in the morning. No. They wait for Domino's to close at midnight, and they go, give me everything you got. They dope it up, they put like a little couple pieces of real pepper, They buy some stuff out of the Chinese dumpling box. And those chicken sausage.

It's some fucking kids parakeet. Oh, no. But do you, like, I haven't gone to like one of those dollar slices. Do you ever do that? Oh, what? Because they have like dollar slices. And it's like supposed to be terrible. It's not fucking bad.

That I from a lot of people that they're happy with dollar slice. If you're going to get into that world of, I'm going to go up to the village and get, listen. Dollar. and you got to find Sophie's Cuban kitchen. Okay. That's when your world will fucking change. Fried bananas, Maduro's. There's two specials of the day, white rice.

They either have the black beans and rice already mixed, and then you get a fucking, oh, wait till you see that place. You're going to be eating Cuban food with salsa shoes on every goddamn dead. I can't. That's one I definitely want to do. What's that? In Sophie's Cuban kitchen, but I was actually on, and this girl ended up being like a scam,

but I was talking to a girl on a dating app and she lives over by Lakari Dodd. So I was talking about going there. Like that, that's why I want to go to again. Nah, just go to this place. Okay, I'll go to both. It's a good chicken breast. Okay.

Chicken breast with white rice and black beans or red beans. It's six points because the chicken breast is free. Right. It's all protein. So the rice and beans are going to be six. points. You eat two fried bananas, throw five more points on that. You know what I'm saying? Is that how much they are? Yeah. Tostone is on the Weight Watcher app. I think it's like three for seven.

But you don't know what you're eating because they could be a little midget tostonies. Yeah. You show up with midget tostonies. I'd rather have the longer ones that are flatter and crunchier. You put extra salt on that motherfucker. Forget about it. I haven't tried the crunchy ones yet. You can push the fucking rice and Chinese food onto your fork or the black beans and rice. Yeah. I do think I haven't weighed myself. I got to stay. I just got to stay.

You look good at night. You look good. Very sleek, very aerodynamic. Those four flights of stairs, 10 times a day, they're going to whip you into shape. Today he's like- I don't think I've ever been aerodynamic. 15,000 steps a day now. Good for you.

Yeah. It's a lot. You're back on it, dog. But it's- 75,000 steps a fucking week. That's why I like New York, though. Every two weeks, that's 300,000 a month.

That's 3.6 million fucking steps a year. What are you going to look? Now, all the work you're putting in, you still want to go get a dollar Chinese slice? No, Chinese slice. That's not. No, no, I'm not going to. I've actually been pretty good.

I had a couple of, like, oh, we didn't even talk about it. I got lost on the train. after I did the podcast last week. Sure you did. I know you did. Oh, because they don't, sometimes they don't put,

you were going to Brooklyn, and they had an open mic, and you got there. Queens, yeah. The open Mike was next week. Yeah, you're a fucking beauty, too. Now you're up in Queens, the Mets ain't playing,

and you're walking around like Johnny Zip. You got so mad at me because I got Swarma. Oh, yeah, then you get Schwama to add, fuck, because that's Swarmerville up in Queens, right? Yeah, well, yeah, it was great. Yeah, and I shot this in the bottom movie. we were up in fucking Queens

and every night that's all that was to eat either Swarma or you had to smoke a fucking hookah. Yeah, but Swarmas, although I do feel because they were from Syria, I noticed on the wall. Okay. So I don't think they like, I think they either thought I was like special needs because I was so high

or they could tell I was Jewish because like they were not thrilled that I was there. Listen, that's a bit. When I get high, people think I'm special needs. I did that. Yeah, I did not. at the dojo. Very good. See, you learn it.

You got to take material from your own fucking life, cock sucker. Oh, my God. But yeah, I fucking, the train,

that's one thing that, like, I'm trying to get better because it's, that thing is fucking crazy. I took the bus. I took the bus

for the first time. I heard it's great. It was great. It got me home. It was great. I got off a stop too early, and I was too,

like, because you have to press the button. So the guy knows when to stop. And I pressed, I was so proud. of myself. I was like, all right, because she said it, but I didn't realize this for the, like, the stop after the one that she was coming up on. So I had to walk

like two extra blocks because they didn't want to stay on after I press the button. But the bus is pretty good. Did you ever ride that when you're growing up? I'm not sure about the New York bus. You know, Lee, I love to tell you yes and note. I rode more to Jersey bus. And I took a bus from Jersey

to New York and vice versa. I'm not going to lie. I remember taking a bus like from 88 Street to 148 to my godmothers. I would just walk it. Yeah, that's fun too. And well, those days, I would just walk it without weed, straight. I was a kid, eight, nine. Buy some fruit and to walk up, you know.

Oh, yeah. This is the first time I've had cash in a while. Because, like, you always, yeah, like, I always just was credit card for everything. But then, like, I walked, I had to go return stuff to Amazon. So I had to go to a UPS store. But I just walked the 30 blocks back. And it was great.

I walked by a farmer's market. I found a farmer's market. It was just like, but you just end up stopping in places. Did you get an apple? I didn't. What did you get? I didn't get,

I was proud of myself because I didn't get the fucking brownies. You were going to get the apple pie, I know. Oh, they did have some good looking pies. What fuck you think you're talking to? Joy Bananas. That's the farmer's market's here king, a little Dutch apple pie. You stop grocery, get a little vanilla hog andaz.

you put your feet up, you watch the Sunday game. Listen, so I didn't finish my story. Oh, okay. I'm very sorry to interrupt you. No, that's okay. So I go to this football game. I get annoyed with the lady, but she moves. We're watching the game.

I'm having a good time, but it starts to get hot. Okay. But I'm fucking starving. So I go, let me get out of here. I wasn't in a mood to sit in a restaurant. I was too beautiful yesterday to sit inside. So I go, let me just go to the Fial. the market by my house, tremendous sandwiches late.

On Simulina bread with fucking mayonnaise. I got a nice tuna sandwich, nice healthy tomato. You know what I'm saying? No cheese. A little vinegar oil, a couple sweet peppers. Nice. I fucking come home and I made a big fucking mistake. Oh, no.

I go, let me chill for 10 minutes. I throw on, it said NFL on CBS or NFL on Fox. Okay. It was fucking Dallas. playing Baltimore. And they were losing. Like, I don't know what the score was, but it wasn't good. And I'm sitting there, and I don't know where I just started getting fucking angryly.

Like, just fucking beat angry. Like, at what? I'm like, what have we done to our country? Have we painted ourselves into a fucking corner that we can't get out? How are the Dallas Cowboys? losing at home for the second week in a row. On top of that, they just lose it.

They just paid this quarterback $160,000,000 gazillion dollars. Yeah. They're getting beat up. And I'm like, you know, again, for people that don't understand my logic and my thinking on that, let me tell you where my fucking thinking comes from.

My thinking, that thought almost blew me off That was a good one. Thank God for Zoom. Oh, thank God. No, I got the new ad on that you could smell through Zoom. That's a new, you got to qualify. You got to weigh 250 pounds or send them a pair of your underwear with fucking burn marks on it. Anyway, I'm watching this and talking about it.

I remember being a kid and coming home just to watch Dallas. No gambling. No nothing. I knew nothing about it. I did, but I wasn't. They were a fucking work of art. They were a work of art. Randy Grattershaw,

just the John Stor work, just the whole fucking offense, Billy White's Hugh Johnson. It was the quarterbacks. You know, I think the guy I fell in love was that white dude. And then came the guy with the fucking wig that's an announcer now.

And Troy Aitman was great. And the guy, Troy Aikman, and the guy before that. There were just great teams. And it felt like you were an American when you watched those things. Like, this is fucking the heart of Texas. They're cowboys. Every year they were in the something.

NFC finals, you know, NFC East Champion. And now you watch this and you're like, this sucks. And I'll tell you what the sad thing is. It's acceptable. By who? By the fans? By everybody. We are just, and then got to,

forbid they win next week. If they win next week, like 35 to like 18, wake up Monday morning. Are the Cowboys a Super Bowl team? They look like a Super Bowl team yesterday, Bill. They just won their minds again.

And this is everything. When I watched the UFC, the guy lost three fights. He wins one. He's back. He's in the title contention. He just won one fight. Right. He fought a fucking tomato can. I don't even know what this guy is. And, you know, it's so crazy how we've lowered our fucking standards on everything.

But the fucking football is killing me, especially Dallas. Like, listen, everybody has peaks and valleys. I was growing up, Dallas didn't have any peaks and valleys, chat. Yeah, they were great. Is that when they became like America's team? When did that start, do you know? When Tom Landry was there, Tom Landry had him, I don't know how many years he was the fucking head coach. He devised a four three defense

Which I don't use anymore He did so many fucking things And he had those teams He had them like a work of art It was like a well-oiled fucking machine If for anybody who doesn't believe me Look up the Cowboys is 78 And then let me tell you

What bothers me is the attitude of the players Really They're losing and they're smiling And he's having a good time, you know. I'm from an old school, motherfucker. If you lose, I'm from the school. I better not see you out that night. Right. I've been not see you at a club hitting on white chicks. You just fucking lost. Take it seriously. Take it fucking seriously. You know, Shaq. I remember Shaq at the comedy store after he would miss eight three throws. And my blood

pressure was boiling. Like, you're at the fucking comedy store giggling. You know? Right. No, I'm a little over fucking crazy. You know. I'm a little over fucking crazy. You know, but at the same time, you know, I came from such a perfectionist type of world like that football, the NFC East. They won every year. Right. It was either the Giants, Philadelphia, or fucking Dallas. Listen to that. Or the Washington Redskins, you know, they were fucking monsters.

And they were every year, they were getting bigger and bigger. The lines, I mean, it was beautiful a white. Now I watch the Cowboys. They're in a stadium. They're fucking raping, printing money. Right. And money in those stadiums. And this is what they give you.

And I feel the same way about the, listen, when I watch the Giants, there's a metropolitan area. How the fuck are you, you know, and the Giants won this week. And I saw it coming on draft games because drafting is offered a 50% boost. Oh, nice. And they were given six and a half. Everybody was going to bet Cleveland. Right. I knew the Giants were at least covered.

They'd lose by three. They'd end up winning out right. You know what I'm saying? But, you know, we're just so... I hate when I have a bad show and people come up to me and say, that was a great show. Right. Nothing gets me on.

I'd rather you come up to me and go, Joey, you owe me 2250. But, yeah, it's... I don't think people have, that's... I mean, the difference, I think, between the Cowboys and the Patriots people love the Cowboys. I think everyone hated the Patriots. But how do you think I feel? Like after the last 20 years,

the last four or five years, whatever it's been since Tom Brady left, has felt like a bad dream. Like even... When you... The games look darker. It looks like a fucking ghost town. Now, woo-woo.

It's awful. It's awful to watch. And then, like, even... I'll take Tom Brady out because the people hated the Patriots. Like, you always used to call me and be like, God, Tom Brady's the fucking bad.

like white man even it yeah I was just going to say the best real white men real white men real those are the greatest white men of all time they took it seriously there was no jumping up and down

you didn't see Tom Brady Tom Brady slung dick at home ate his fucking vitamins made his protein powder whatever fuck he does you know that's it no complaints no DUIs he dumped a woman that was pregnant

for a harder woman. That's a real Catholic. You know what I'm saying? Like when you do that as a Catholic, you're like, okay. You know, there's just some people that are fucking animals, and I love them all.

When I watch Tom Brady, I get inspired when I watch a fucking Tom Landry used to coach or in basketball, Dean Smith from North Carolina. Holy shit. Right. That guy ever talked to me,

I'd stand that attention. What about, did you ever, I don't know if you saw, but he, I think he just retired Mighty Mouse. Like he seems like one of those guys. Mighty Mouse? Yeah. The fighter? Yeah, yeah. He's the best in the world.

He's the best and he does it all. Did you see a jih Tuts? Because the guy bigger than me and he fucking tapped him. Did he really? I didn't see that. That's crazy. Yeah. No, those guys, listen, man, it's just some people take it seriously.

Some people think they get a tattoo in a gold chain and they shouldn't. and they shaved their head and then, I got a right hook. Right. You know, then you got GSP who retired like a fucking savage and every fight he showed up

with something different. Mm-hmm. He would go to Thailand. He would go to the Bronx and fight 10 Puerto Ricans with a fucking mask on his head. He would always be gymnastics, you know,

and that's what this is. It's like when we do stand-up, somebody was talking about improv the other day. Okay. Like an improv, true. Mm-hmm. Let me explain to you what I think about improv, okay?

It's either six college kids that want to be on Sinai Live. Right. I got inspired by Sinai Live and the lifestyle or just guys that get out of college, young kids that get out of college and just don't know. And they get involved with it. Maybe they want to be stand-ups, but they want to see how it works, you know. I used to be a member of Improb Olympics. I spoke to you about this. you look at me and go, Joey,

even though you don't like something, you don't believe in it, whatever, why would you hang out over there? Because I was learning. When I took two sketch course in class, each one was three months apiece. And then I realized the guy that was teaching the course hasn't had a job in 92 fucking years. Right.

He was talking about like, I was on the Beverly Hillbillies in 1962. Why are you teaching it? Because that was the last job he had. But did you, because I've thought about doing improv, you recommend it a little bit? I took more of a sketch writing, and I took something basic. Okay.

Basic, the guy told me, I'm giving you back the money. Don't come back. Wow. You're a fucking savage compared to these guys. But I had a scam in those days. This had to be way before I met you. I lived in Hollywood to 2009. I got clean in 2007.

This had to be about 2008. was going in there. And guess what I would do? Because I wasn't at the store. I would go in there on Friday night. The improv class? Listen there at a 10 o'clock comedy stand-up show. Oh, shit.

And guess what? Every fucking agent was there watching the improv, and then they would stay for the late show. And every week, I'd get a fucking card from one of them. I don't know if anything ever transpired. But it was a lot better than hanging out of the comedy. then. Yeah.

I would go there on Friday nights. And at least, that's crazy. And was that when you were not at the store? Yeah. Oh, wow. So I would go there and I learned a little bit. And then I think after we start the podcast, Improv Olympic closed down,

I think you've got the groundlings. Mm-hmm. And there might be something else left. Whatever's in Chicago. Like, Chicago is a big breeding ground for it. Oh, yeah. I've been to the one in Chicago. It's fucking great.

I think it's IU, whatever, because I shot a movie with some guys that have an office in that building where they were at in Chicago. There's a lot of grading, bro. And I'm not going to say I have zero interest, but like acting isn't really even on my radar. But I just feel like it would be good to learn how to like,

I feel like it would help with crowd interaction, just being quicker on your feet. No. No? Acting class will help you sell your material more. Okay. Acting class. Acting class will make you understand

your material and you're an actor already. If you could hold a conversation with a stand-up, you know, the timing of a stand-up is deadly. I've always respected that, and I'm very proud that I worked on that, especially when it comes to acting. It's too deadly for some people.

Right. I told you years ago on the podcast, Harrison Ford, there were a lot of actors that would not work opposite stand-up comics. Because it's too big. And then you go to Mitchie Shore's house, and she's training you to do three-minute sets, which an audition is three minutes. Damn.

I didn't know that. How long do you think you're in that room for? You think you're in there for a fucking hour? You're in there for a couple minutes? And you're going in there not to get the part. You're going into to be remembered. So these are all things we'll get to later, you know. Yeah.

This is all fun fucking shit that I enjoy the fuck out of. You know, all those years, it's like Paulie Toon put up a tune this week. Okay. There was the audition I had for American family, not the new one. This is one 20 years ago for ABC. Where I stripped down to my fucking thong and I was 400 pounds. I enjoyed that shit for a while more than Stan. manned up. It was like

saying an off-color joke and two women in the front row and they just stuck to stare into nowhere and you destroyed their central nervous system. That's my goal in comedy. Forget about laughing. Destroying their central nervous system when they walked into the wrong place

at the wrong fucking time and they realized it like those bikers in the Bronx tail, they walked to a wrong place at the wrong time. with the wrong fucking savages. That's what happens. Did you ever get in trouble at any audition for anything you did?

No. And I had some fucked up shit, pants ripped, fucking, Oh, yeah, I remember that. No underwear. But listen, before we get to the balls and the underwear, I got to take a minute and talk to these savages about better help and my people at Drafking's casino. So give me a minute, all right?

I'll be back, Jack. Hey, it's Uncle Joy. I want to talk to you about something. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Back to school time can inspire you or turn over a new leaf at any age. Therapy is an amazing tool to help you grow into the person you want to be. No matter what you need help with, BetterHelp is here for you. BetterHelp offers online therapy that is super flexible.

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One offer per new casino customer. Casino credits are non-withdrawable and expire in 168 hours. Terms at casino.draftkings.com slash get 50. Ends October 6th, 2024. We're back, bitches. Speaking about sports and being disappointed earlier before we took a break, I don't know if you, did you see the story about the catcher that just got released by the twins? No.

He was a single-A baseball player and he got released because, like in a game like two weeks ago, he was telling the batters what the pitch was going to be because he wanted to go home. He was sick of the season. And he was dipping pitches. They lost by six runs. they lost six to nothing, and then the coaches on the other team told the other coaches. So they took them out. That's something you would do if you wanted to make the buffet by 630.

I've always wondered that if they do that, because baseball season's so long, I can't believe they don't do it more. I'll tell you what, man. If my team is like 12 and 80, and we got one week left in the season, give me everything I got. Signals, bats, I'll give me the coach's home number. I'll give you a tax number. I don't want to see these motherfuckers ever again. We just went 12 and 80. It's like the Chicago White Sox this year.

When the seasons end, you won't hear from those months. They won like, I don't know how many games, but they came in for me like two or three times. Yeah, aren't they about to hit the record for most losses? Something crazy. Chicago's like fucking walking around with sunglasses on the south side. They can't believe the team is that bad. But listen, you've got to have peaks and valleys.

Absolutely. That's what this is all about, Cheech, you know what I'm saying? So tomorrow you go to Winnipeg. You got a new, they're going to raise up your fucking mushroom dosages to three and a half grams. Why are you colluding with Josh to raise two grams was enough? You've been dicking around. No one's been dicking around. I also haven't done it in a couple months.

Nobody's dicking around. Living at mom's house. I can't do this. I can't do that. I'm smoking on the balcony right now. You're smoking on the balcony. I'm good. Wow.

You're impressed. me wait until you get back from Winnipeg and those mushrooms will be... I'm going to freeze the mushrooms with fucking ditty lube. That's your shit. And then they'll really go up the ass. Jesus Christ.

I'm excited for Winnipeg. That's going to be great. That shit. No honey. Why can't I eat honey? What's wrong with honey? Pussy's for pussies. But why? It tastes bad. If it's in my belly, well, who cares? What tastes bad?

So does asshole. You don't see me fucking sprinkling. First of all, I would rather eat ass than eat fucking mushrooms. All right, then you're all right. But every once in a while you got to eat ass and mushroom at the same time. Oh. The full patois of the intestine. Anyway, what the fuck we're talking about?

Full patow on the intestine. Why are you going to eat her ass if you're not going to get the full pituit of the intestine? You know what I'm saying? Oh, so you stick. Oh, Jesus. I don't even want to know the answer of that question. The intestine. Now you're done.

It's like did he fucking the, the father from that show from the 80s and shit opening up that old ass and shit old fried chicken coming out of there fucking sweaty big ass bigger than mine at least I got no ass I got like two inches of ass between the asshole and the top of the cheek

there's not a lot that could cultivate you just farted and basically shit your pants you're saying your asshole doesn't smell I didn't shit my pan you did Joe play the tape I didn't shit my pants. It ricocheted off the leather chair.

And it made a weird noise. It was a tremendous fight. But the reason I got that effect was because I didn't have underwear on. When I wear commando shorts, I don't wear underwear because then I got to, when I got to pee in a rush, I got to take my dick out of the shorts and the jeans. And that's a complete failure for an old man like myself. I got pre-piss drip. So sometimes I got to hold it and just open it up and pull over and it just flies out of my dick.

But hey, you've been going Commando since I've known you. And you haven't been old. Like, you were like 45 when I met you, 47, 48. What are you saying? But then you've been going Commando the whole time. So you weren't an old man back then? No, no, no, no. When I wear shorts, I got to go, Commando.

If I wear warm-ups or jeans, or with jeans, anything with pants and a belt, I have a hard time with boxer shorts. Right. And when I sweat pants, I got to have the nice, because you don't want to sweat into the fucking sweat. pan with that old ball sweat. Oh, yeah.

You want to have a layer between the, why are we talking about this? I don't know. You were talking about. Just sprinkle your fucking eyeballs with a manscape, the wrinkle cleaner. You'll be fine. The stuff that take the wrinkles out of your nutsec. That stuff works. That stuff that takes the wrinkle out of your nutsack?

Yeah, it's called like the, when you get the box, the full kit with the trim. Yeah, they've gotten that. It's great. Yeah, they have a... I didn't know they had ball smoothing stuff. They have... When you come out of the shower, you spray it and it takes that elbow meat. It straightens it out.

It takes the wrinkles out. And if you're an old geez like me, you spray it in your eyeballs. And it takes a little fucking circle from under your eyes out. Oh, my God. I had no idea. Yeah. And listen, this is what this show is about, informative, funny at points, and to the point. You know what I'm sad?

I love it. But, Dad, have you? I was on the train and I was coming back. And I thank God, because I know I just last. week told everyone I shit myself. I didn't shit myself but having to go on the train like that's one thing I'm not used to in New York because there's no like there's no public

bathrooms. But they have those things in between the trains. Oh, I saw someone pissing off the train off the tracks. You take your ass way dead's flying. You know, listen you don't know what life is to you, shit on a rat. When you hear a rat eating and also

a piece of shit drops on, that fucks them up completely. That fucks up that nervous. They're like, Did you shit on a rat before? No, but I'm just, I read about it. I can't imagine. I've seen those two. Those are freaky.

I don't know. Hopefully zero. Who's going to shit on a rat? I don't think homeless people should on rats. I'm not saying that. What if somebody a bird shits and a rat's walking by and it lands on his fucking coat? He's going to go, I'm supposed to be the pig. Right.

Who's coming on my fucking jacket here? They must get pissed off. You see a lot of rats in the trains, brother? Yeah. Well, even more, I see them in the trash. That's where I see them a lot. I've seen a couple on the train. The trash ones have been bad because you can,

on the train, you're never really sure. It's kind of dark down there. I saw them coming out of like, you know, those like trash barrels that are in, like, the park sometime. They just came out and they like somehow opened the top and then climbed out. and there were two of them, and they were big. And then I saw one in Central Park by some water. I don't know if it could swim or what it was doing,

but it was by the water in Central Park. And that one was a lot. Well, when they're by the Cuban fucking rats, those Cuban swimmer's rat, they got like frog legs in the front. I don't know what happened there, but I'm no history teacher or science teacher. But I will tell you, I've seen those.

I, bro, I saw a rat in 1968. I still can't think. I can't imagine what these rats. That was what? 20, that's 32 years on the one end and 24 on the other end. That's 50 fucking six years ago I saw a fucking rat in my godmother's basement.

That to this day, I don't know what I saw. What was it? What happened? It was a fucking rat, and it was a foot long. The tail had to be as long as the rat. But when he looked at me, the look in his eyes, eyes and the lights, one in his eyes, like, you know, it fucked me up.

I'm like, this rat's got green eyes. And he didn't have green eyes, but it was the way the light was hitting them from the basement. Right. I never went in that fucking basement again. That thing, you could hear it run the way. Like, it was like a fucking tiger or something. I'm like, no fucking way.

I saw a roach one time in that basement. Oh, no. Roach was 80 years ahead of its time. It had a head. The thing was like a waterbug, but it was. had an extended head to it. I'm like, what? No.

Yeah, because once they come from another country and they start fucking in those basements in New York City, you don't know what's going to evolve out of there. That's how they say the fucking COVID was made. In one of those laboratories, a lot of shit happens in those basements in New York. You know what I'm saying? So I looked at some basement apartments.

Thank God I didn't get one of those. No, that's scary in New York. You'll be in your bed and you'll wake up and a rat would already eat your finger. What are you talking about? I think I'd wake up to a rat biting my finger. Oh, yeah. And they go out here.

What? You said he already ate it. Eight what? My finger. Let's say you sleep in a basement apartment. I don't know if you know this. Rats breathe out air on you so they can bite you. You'll wake up and you have a little skin missing and you'll go, what the fuck?

Blood and there's a rat in your room. No. Oh, fuck you. They'll bite you in your sleep. And in some of the little. buildings that's so fucking old in New York, they come in through the toilet system. So you got to be careful when you open the fucking toilets in New York.

If it's new construction, whatever, I don't even trust it because those pipes were there. The Indians put those pipes in. Right. I'm going to have to look it up because I'm leaving. I heard like you're supposed to put stuff over your sinks and your toilet when you leave in case shit comes up. And like your shower too.

Oh. You might jump in the shower. There's a bear when you come back of that. Yeah. And after you eat those seven grams of mushrooms. So what do you mean seven grams? I thought it was three. Two nights.

We're not doing two. He does a one night, Friday night late show. No, not this week. You're going into double training because it's three grams Thursday. Thursday. Friday, yeah. It was starting a week early. You're in training again.

No more this. I got to go home. I got to work tomorrow. You're in New York now. You're in fucking New York City now, Coxuckers. Drop a pair on. You're 36. You're single.

You got no reason to be anywhere in the morning except your apartment when you wake up for work. Right. So what are we talking about here? What do you mean why are I talking about? That's seven grand. It's a lot of mushrooms. You eat the mushrooms.

You stay up all night. You drink some milk and you get it right in front of the computer. How are you? And they're tripping, talking about Martians, whatever. And you just yes to them to death, whack them, bang and one out, whatever you do with your hands under that table. You creepy motherfucker you? I can't.

I still can't believe that people got fired for that. Like, who would jerk? Who can't wait until a Zoom meeting is over? It'd be like you jerking off right now. Like I said, we've painted ourselves in Port-quarter in this country. Can you imagine being on the line with three guys and having to bang one out? That's psychological problems. Yeah.

Oh, my God. I don't see a guy banging out or a guy watching me while his shoulders is dragging and he's breathing. You know, you're not going to fucking Lewis C. K. Me, do it to women, but don't do it to me. I don't get it. Or don't do it to anybody. That's fucking crazy. Everybody in that life needs for somebody

to fucking flash it with their dick and the hand one time just jerking off. It changes lives. I've seen it. I've seen all the guys in San Francisco jerk off in front of college girls. Really? That was the same again. I saw it one time on that fucking whatever.

There was like 20 of those little basketball girls and they were like doing some fucking thing in San Francisco in the daytime. This is 1985, G money. Okay. I saw some homeless guy

just petting his pubs. He's just out there like scrubber dub, just, he had like a men's brush. Right. Brushing his head. He's like,

you know what? It's sunny out. It's a nice day. I might as well brush my pubes. Lee, he was just out there brushing his pubas

looking at his dick. He was like an old guy, but he had like a six-inch dick. Oh, he was out and he was combing it? he was combing the hair around it like humming like whistler at the same time

holy shit how long did it take people to see him everybody saw him especially those girls I was insulting until the girls saw him and then I fucking had to laugh my ass off because he didn't give a fuck and they just kept playing I feel listen 1985

listen they didn't care of you jerked off on the street you know the poor girls they're probably at home right now watching fucking jeopardy and they still remember that dude petting his, like pubes came up like the four little word for pubic cat and they're like, oh my God.

How could you could never forget that? No. Oh my God. I can't believe you even told them. Dude, I didn't see it. He didn't have his dick out, but I was driving back once from Maine and I stopped at a rest area and I went to go pee and like the bathroom, not outside.

And I walk in this old dude is just like imagine this is your crotch, just like padding, just staring at the urinal. And like, he was there, the whole, just doing this. He probably, they got those people that put a straw in the urinal and drink a little bit out of it. Oh, no, they don't.

No, they don't. It's called the Piss Martini, and it drives them crazy. Oh, I'm gonna do you. Listen, when you're a comic at those rest areas, when you go to bat you money. Yeah, you better have a

stick in your hand or something. because you got to beat them off here, especially if you're a chubby dude, you stop for a bag of chips and one of those vending machines for those barbecue sticks or something, that's when they come out right from the vending machine.

Hi. Oh, my God, they come out from it. Terrified. I don't know what, you experienced that on the road? 20 years ago I did. That's how I knew when you go in those rest areas,

you mean business. And you're ready to kick a motherfucker because they're creepy. They're like old dudes. They're very creepy, yeah. Like geeky guys, and they laid it right there in the trunk as you're walking in and jerk off the old ladies, walking back and forth. It's not a nice world. We've painted ourselves into a cornerly.

I had no idea was that bad. So you're in Winnipeg this weekend. Yeah, Winnipeg this weekend at Rumors, the 26th through the 28th, and then the 4th and the 5th of October, I'm in Weatherfield, Connecticut. All right, we'll talk about Weatherfield next week. Okay. Let's just worry about Winterpeg this week. Okay. Seven grams of mushrooms.

I wish you a lot of luck. It's going to be a good weekend. Thank you, buddy. We up with the best fungi farm factory mushrooms money can buy. And listen, the worst case, now you've got a whole new 10 minutes. Why do I have to take seven grams to get 10 minutes? Because the two grams ain't doing shit for you. He doesn't have a great time and I'm alive.

Yeah, great time and I'm alive. But you don't go back to your room and get philosophical and write. I don't want to get philosophic. You got to take your shoes off and take a shower, walk on your carpet, and then look into the moonlight and see what the fuck's going on. I didn't know what I did with that serious. Me neither. Stay black, talk sucker.

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