The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - I'm going to die my way!

Episode Date: April 29, 2025

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt create the migrant workout, why Joey hates people who expect things from him, people who have birthday month's, and Joey finds out that he has been with his wife for twenty five years. Support the show and get 35% off your first 3 NYKD orders. Head to https://www.nykdpouches.com/CHURCH Support the show and get 15% off your Huel order, plus a free gift for new customers, with minimum $75 purchase. Use code CHURCH at https://www.huel.com/church Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app today and use code JOEY. New customers bet just $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly.

What's happening, beautiful people? It's Tuesday, the 29th of April. We're almost done with this month, baby. Bring on the dancing girls. It's the church, New Testament coming at you live on a Tuesday morning. Welcome back to church! What's happening, beautiful people, Uncle Joey, with his beautiful and Jewish co-host, Lisa Ayat.

You're alone. Looking beautiful on a Tuesday morning. What's happening? I've been good. I've been, dude, I've been missing the Netanyahu Minute. I've been, you've slowed down a little bit on that. Listen, man. Information's coming in very cloudy.

I don't want to say stuff. And then people saying, Joey's putting out misinformation. Can you imagine if you were like, what is that called where like you're a plant for Israel? I don't fucking. You're an industry plant for Israel? Yeah, no. I'm not an industry plant for nobody. I'm just a fucking guy trying to get it together.

You know what I'm saying? I'm old. I'm just trying to do some stand-up. I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. I was telling you on the way in here I had a situation last week with a fucking friend of mine

I like to say dear friend of mine but I feel bad because she called and I could see that it was a setup for something and then finally the clouds parted and showed me the true color of the sky she's like can you come over here for my birthday and buy dinner like that was the last fucking thing

and I just felt like I was telling these guys if I see you every day and you're like come over and buy me dinner for my birthday come off my birthday dinner, I'll go over there. You know what I'm saying? But I don't know. You know, I haven't seen this person in two or three months. Two months tops.

I can't, you know what I mean? I don't get angry at a lot of people. There's a big difference between come over for my birthday and come over and buy me dinner for my. I don't, I hate, I hate more than anything people assuming that you're going to do something for them. I don't, and I'm a generous. You're very generous. I'm not as generous as you, but I'll, I'll. I would buy a friend something just because I wanted to.

For someone, anyone who would ask me for that, I don't think would be my friend, to be very honest. No, it was just. That's a terrible thing to ask somebody. They're fucking wacky. They have certain expectations and stuff, but it was one of the wacky. And I didn't even get mad about it until like Tuesday. Because you didn't realize what you had said to you or something.

I didn't even think about it. Like, I have so much going on in my coconut that I just realized on the drive now a week later that fucking this is what went down on my. Like, that was the weirdest, because I never heard from her again. What a coincidence said you don't call the next day and go, hey, I'm sorry how that came off. Right. I was just goofing with you. No, never again.

That's why it proved to me that that's what they called for, for you just to go buy a dinner and make believe you're their friend for life and take pictures and balloons and shit. She didn't buy you dinner for your birthday. I didn't even see it for my birthday. Right. That's such a fucking bullshit thing that. I didn't even hear from her on my birthday, I don't think. I didn't... But I'm the type of guy I don't worry about that.

Right, of course you don't. Listen, people have lives. How many times have you sat there? That's 11.30 at night. And you're watching the news or you're about to watch, you know, after the news. And that guy that always comes on, huh, it's Wednesday, April 30th. And you're like, April 30th. That's a familiar fucking date.

And also when you're like, oh, shit! that's my best friend's birthday But you've been so busy all day Now what are you going to do? Pick up the phone at 1230 And call him No, you gotta call him the next day And go dog

How long have we been friends? You know, I'm sorry So if you don't think that happens in my world It happens Well people call me a week later And go dog I didn't even realize It was your birthday

You think I sit there and hang up on him? No Listen, life is so fast and quick Life is fast and fucking quick, man. And after a certain age, you're like, I don't even worry about birthdays. You got a kid, you know what I'm saying?

But your friends, you just call them up and say, happy birthday. You put it on the Facebook page, you know. Happy birthday with explosions or what the fuck they put on there, you know. Listen, that's my deed for the day. I go on Facebook in the morning, somebody's birthday, I fucking send them a happy birthday.

That's more than any going, what the fuck? The sky, how come he's saying? I grew up with you. You fed me once. Something happened that just propelled me to fucking happy birthday, you're the debt. And that should be more than a lot. Dude, I can't tell. I'm a weird person, I guess. But I'm busy.

And for my birthday, what I love more than anything is to not have to do anything. Is to just stay home and get like something I want to eat and not have to do shit. Like that, to have like a birthday month and they have like eight activities planned? Yeah. No, I'm not doing that shit. I have people who celebrate that birthday. Let's say their birthday is on Thursday. They start Wednesday night.

Then they go straight to Sunday. And Sunday is like the big day and you're like, you're not going to get me on that day. You got one day out of me. I'm not doing four days of you because it's your fucking goofy birthday. No. It's one fucking day. Unless you got a pound to blow.

Then we go till we go. You know what I'm saying? Then we go till we go. But I'm not going to sit there. And listen, man, people, some people are really weird about that birthday. Right. And everybody loves having those birthday dinners. And the problem with those birthday dinners is that 10 to 12 people show up.

And then it's a fucking challenge when the check comes. It's a challenge. The people who are like, well, I had two drinks at 1295. Well, bitch, there's a thing called tax and tip. Okay? So 1295, that's 26 bucks right there. I expect to see a 40 out of you. Without even hesitation.

You bring out the crack. That's the thing that kills me. That's why I don't get involved in those. That's why when I go to those, I make sure I pick up the tab. Because I don't want to sit there when jeopardy happens. And they pass it to each other. Yeah, well, and then they put the calculator. Listen, either take the card out or don't put the fucking calculator out.

You're fucking embarrassing me. Oh, it's the worst. Just put the fucking card out. So if you go to dinner with 12 people, at 100 a shot, three of them got to be outkeys. Right? Three or four of them out of 12 got to be, they're going to sneak and drinks. $16. $16 martini's trying to get one on you.

Now you got, you know, that's $1,200 plus that's $1,600. Right. I can't cover it. I'll tell you there's all to suck my dick, $1,600. No, fuck that. $600, $500, $500,000, I'll cover on the American Express, tell my wife a lie and fucking, you know. But that shit are 12 people. I don't go to those.

No. Once it's more than four people, I don't want to, because once the check comes, everybody, I don't know what happened. They start talking about the past, the future. I gave you a gift last year I gave you a pet elephant listen That was last year motherfucker The tab just came and right now

I saw you all were having a good time Drinking Zambos and fucking you know Eating everybody's food and shit Now the check comes Those people who show up to your birthday thing And they're like I'm not gonna eat I'm not gonna eat I'm not hungry I've been on dieting lately

I've been fasting Wait till that first fucking Chinese spare ripcom I'll just have one And they start Then they have one Then they have a piece of egg roll Then your fat sister can't finish the fucking The low main

Fat people always get low main We really do They love low main fat people The fucking bag of fucking spaghetti And then you know Then the check comes and nobody knows nothing Then she sits there I just drank water

No you didn't No you didn't You ain't half the fucking check here And cat little morsels And just come You came Throw at least 50 bucks in And it's always

Have you ever had this where like They act like they're a big baller and then comes time to tip. Like, I was just out to dinner with somebody and it was like a $200 tab and he was like, he wanted to leave $20 for the tip and it took me a minute and I was like, hold on. He's like, that's enough and he's like, it's in cash. They're going to love it. And I was like, wait a second.

That's like 10 per, you can't, and I don't know the server, but like I would feel so terrible doing that. Like I just saw, I was just in a hotel and that episode of the Sopranos was on where that server came out talking shit to Chris and Paulie I think and they hit him in the head with the brick and killed him Yeah yeah yeah and that like dude I can't imagine I as a server I used to I would want to yell at people and I never did and I can't

I'm like the people who under tip piss me off just as much as those people Listen I was never a server if you know anything about me people under tip Piss the shit out of me oh yeah It's like the worst thing. I always eat an extra tip. Like if I go out with two or three families and one of them decides, I go, you know what? I pulled the chick aside, especially if there's kids at the table. Oh, yeah.

If there's kids at my table, I'll always tip heavy and I'll pull her aside. Not the fucking bus boy, because that shit will go back to Ecuador, whoever the fuck. You know what's crazy about those migrants? They really like their little backpacks, don't they? They're like half-retarded. You always see him with their little fucking backpacks. I just saw like 10 of them. They all got that military hairdo.

Like, I don't know who cuts their... It's not even a floby. It's something else because there's a flow be unleashed or some shit. It's like, go straight up this way. But all of them are like half-momo's with these fucking backpacks. I don't get it. I can't... You put a backpack on.

I can't put a backpack on. What do you mean you can't put a backpack on? Fuck, you like such a retard. When I see somebody with a backpack, that kid, I would have mugged them in high school or even now I'd mug them, just for general purposes. What do you do with your shit? If you got to carry that much shit, then you need a new life. Where the fuck are you going with all that shit?

They're looking for new lives. They're all they fucking have. Where the fuck are you going? They got those bags. It's like they're in the Marines, and they're walking down, you know, 8th Avenue. Where are you going? What the fuck are you going? I'm just curious.

Where the fuck are you going? What's in that fucking thing? Supplies? What kind of supplies? A computer? Okay. A computer? Well, for me?

Because I do, I love a backpack. Yeah, I could tell. But you see me? I've had a backpack for years. I put something in it, and I carry it like a man. I'm not putting it on my back like fucking,

Agent Orange. But that's why you have it. Like, you flew to Texas, and all you had was, I think all you had was your sleep apnea machine as your carry on. Like, you didn't have,

and headphones. And headphones. What if you don't like carrying a sweater A charger It's in my sleep up in your bag Now what about because I've never had knock on wood But like What if they lost your bag

And you know you don't have shit You know you don't worry about that I always got weed on me I was worried about clothes or two brook clothes We can always buy clothes You can't get the weed we're flying You know what I'm saying You can't smoke that weed

So there's always weed There's always edible on that bag, and that goes right to security. They don't even stop me. No. I put the weed in my sneakers now. They don't give a fuck. Well, dude, we just had the DEA guy on.

He said they don't give a shit about anything, which is crazy. But they do. They do, but they don't. You're not going to go through the airport with a pound of weed on your shoulder. Right. But you've got to hide it a little bit, dope it up, you know, not let it stink. Oh, yeah. And then there's weed in my bag.

So if the weed gets there, the only thing I need from that bag is a whole thing. I could borrow one of those. I get one from Amazon delivered to the hotel in eight hours. Oh, what, for the sleep-abony machine? Yeah, so the only thing I don't put in there is my hose, but everything else is in there. Computer, glasses, wallet, nicotine gum, even for a day just in case. Dog, I'm hip. You know, sometimes you get to the airport, and they tell you, you got a nine-hour delay.

What are you going to sit there like a fucking momo? No, now you can go back to the hotel room. Right across the street. Go right back, listen. and on the way back he got no gel you buy a hat I got like three hats from places that I wouldn't even put a hat on I just went to the airport I doped it up before it pops back up the monkey spit wears off I put a fucking hat on there and that's it I'm looking good

I really don't have that problem but I can't I can't find a hat that fits my head no look at it look at the size of that fucking thing it never oh and I bought I bought a hat recently and I like it but I feel like such a douchebag oh that little Puerto Rican hat yeah Keep wearing it. That's like an old Jewish man's hat. What do I say? You have a fucking faggot on roller skates.

Oh, you do these roller skates? Dude, can you imagine me on roller skates in New York City? I would die immediately. Oh, you'd make $10,000 in the morning. Well, how? Renting that asshole on roller skates. Because there's nothing more than a fag like the fucking ass while you're on roller skates. You give him some roller skates and he's behind you.

He's fucking in the ass. It's sad night fever. Just on the way to word. It's tremendous staying alive up the ass. You could be doing that fucking thing. What are those people doing the Olympics? With the skates and shit? Oh, the synchronized skating or something?

Yeah, stay in the line. And he's just fucking with a, got a whistle, a Judas Priest's hat. Forget about it. Who's better than Lee with roller skates? I would pay to see two faggots fucking on roller skates. Yeah, I think so. If you think this episode ain't going to get 18 and under,

it's all over already. Over on. Oh, my God. Listen, guys, if you're sick of this 18 and under shit, just go to Spotify and Apple. You know, we're trying our best. But obviously, it's not working no more. They want to put us on 18 and under.

We don't even smoke pot on the fucking show. We don't even play music. We've taken away so many fucking things because, you know, it's a shame. It's crazy how far YouTube has fallen. So you could use music on Spotify if you subscribe to Spotify. You could use their music on a podcast or something. Yeah. There's something weird.

So, you know, can we stream on Spotify? Spotify or fucking do anything? We can put video on there. I don't think they do live streaming yet. You know, you can't say what's in your heart no more. You know, and I'm not going to sit here and amendments and, you know, the freedom of speed. That's bullshit. Okay?

That's bullshit in my fucking world. That's the comics that want to just make something up. We're Avengers. Yeah, okay, good. You haven't paid your taxes in three years, but you're trying to fucking normalize life by fucking saying some fucking amendment or something. I don't even know what the fucking thing is. But, dude, it's crazy.

Like, because think about it. When we started podcasting, whatever it was. We were making each other on fire, farting. Oh, my God. We were doing everything. And then something happened and listen, this is what it is now. This is, I'm not mad at YouTube. They went corporate rules tightened up and this is the way it's going to be.

It is, but it's also like, because I don't know if you knew this. YouTube right now is the number one podcast. It's the number one place in the world where people watch and listen to podcast. And people, the reason why people love podcasts, is because of the host. They have a relationship with them. And a podcast like ours started like that. We're the reason why podcast, like YouTube is up so high.

I mean, yeah, a lot of it. But, and then for them to like be so short-sighted. Like, yeah, I understand if you want them to be 18 plus. But don't hide us. Don't not tell people that we put up a video. We're not even doing anything that crazy. We're not like, it's, it's so wild. where things have gone.

And then, you know, what the consumer doesn't understand is they watch an old podcast and they watch one of these and they go, these guys change. We didn't change. We didn't change. Just the rules changed. Yeah. You know, if there was no foul, no harm, no foul, guys, I'd have a three-foot bong in here. I got them somewhere.

I got the power one. Don't we have the power one with the fucking hoses and shit? Oh, shit. You know, I mean, this is it. You know, don't you think I like the... Talk about music. We had D-None. We didn't even talk about music.

Couldn't even put it on. Yeah. That's not us. It's not that we're lame. It's the rules that they... Listen, I spoke to my friend who has the highest podcast in the world. And they 18 him all over when they see Potsmook.

Mm-hmm. So, you know, guys, this is the business. We have to find the platform. We could go nuts or maybe put one up like that once a week somewhere. We could just go nuts and, you know, naked women and whatever the fuck. You know, that's what I want to do. Yeah. I want to get some naked women in here.

I want to get a guy and a girl in roller skate dancing and fucking jumping around. You know me, dog. I'm a freedom fighter, but this is bullshit. And it is correct. You know what? Maybe we should put it up on Pornhub. Because Pornhub doesn't give a fuck about anything. Yeah, but nobody wants to see me and you on Pornhub.

You imagine how disappointed it be. You get home drunk, you're looking to jerk off. You pop up a sight and all of a fucking. Headless headstrong? My big heads right there. Forget about it. Take that hat and light on fire when it's in your head.

That's it. Next time you promote a date. Why don't it want it to be on my head when it's on fire? Because that's the best thing you could do. Like, you're sitting there and you have like a control in your hand and you just light it up a little bit

and watch the smoke come out. People will fucking love it. Yeah, but my head will turn on fire. Who gives the fuck? I have no hair. If you had hair, then you don't want your head on fire. Yeah, but if I had hair, then it would hide the burns. You get spots once a month from something.

This summer you'll get something. You got to go to a jacuzzi. The girl's going to take you somewhere. You're going to get the fucking dead eye again. I haven't gotten a spot. I haven't been in a jacuzzi probably since then. And yeah, the other spots. Dude, if I don't wash my face like three times a day, I'm fucked.

You should be washing your face three, four times a day. No, but was like, I bought like special shit. Yeah, me too. You have to. I never had to do that. And a fucking towel. It's not soap. And you scrub that dead skin off your face and let the new,

fucking face revitalized. God damn it. You don't, I don't even go with a lufa no one. That's a rip-off. You don't do a lupa? Fuck, no. I get the, I get fucking shit that's coarse. And that's how I make my asshole one.

I cut that in half and put it on a stick and you rub your little muffler to get that gunpowder out from around the side. You really need to start selling that the asshole cleaner that you have. I'm trying to patent it. So, relax. Don't give the fucking cat out of it. I apologize. I don't want the cat to get out of the bag here.

But I get that hard. I've always loved those hard towels. and you scrub and you see... Well, like SOS pads? What are you talking about? No, no, no, no. SOS pads where you scrub your fucking balls with after a long night in Vegas.

No, no, I'm talking about the hand towels. Okay. There's some that are very soft and there's some to the coarse, like a little coarser. You like hard ones? I like, because you want to get that dead skin off. That's what you're opting for.

You want to exfoliate your legs. All that skin comes off. All that dead skin comes off. So you want to, like, my ears. Some girl tells me that my ears are very shiny. I love that. when people tell your ears are shiny. That means you're fucking getting in there with that cloth

and you're scrubbing it and it gives you a nice little shine. Then you put some cream on there. I had no. Dude, do you ever have a girl or a woman like wash you in a shower? It was one of the weirdest. It was nice. It was nice,

but it was one of the weirdest things over the summer when I was in Indiana. This girl I was hooking up with just like decided that she was like and she loofed me hard. Like it was. Yeah, because she wanted to get the dead. you germs off you and shit. That bitch is smart. When a bitch washes you because she knows you're a filthy motherfucker

and she wants to make sure that asshole and those balls are clean before she puts her beautiful mouth on them. No, it was after sex. It was after sex. That's right. She doesn't want you to take her odor with it like a cat.

Oh my God. That was wild. I never had anybody do that before. It's tremendous. A woman bays and you just sit there. But by the time they go to bathe your knees, you get a hard on. It's all over.

I'm saying they never get to your feet, those women. They never get under your knees. Once they bend over, you see the head in the area, your dick just gradually stands up like a Ouija board like one of those fucking Indian sticks. You know, what are you going to do? Then it's all over. They never get to do your feet. Anyway, back to the migrants with the backpack.

Okay. What the fuck? Why do they have backpacks? Does somebody please fix this microphone? No, don't get up. It's just a joke. I don't want to talk about the migrants of backpacks either. I don't know.

I don't know. What they carry in those things? They brought those from Mexico. They must have some food in there, you would think. Like, they could probably set up a taco stand pretty quickly. Anyway, they could set up. They have no knives. They have no knives.

They definitely have knives. No, they, well, they're Spanish. They definitely have some type of knife. But I don't see a frying pan. Yeah, you're right. It's sort of like an Oregon Trail. You don't see that? Yeah, no.

They're not going camping these people. They're not campers. Well, they live in the mountains, these poor people. Fuck. They jump through rivers and mountains and shit. They should be the real crossfitters, those motherfuckers. You're going to start a whole new fitness trend of just send white people to cross over the Mexican board. What a great idea of them, the migrant worker.

Seven and nine every day. You climb hills. You jump out of a burning building. You run away from fucking coyotes. You run away from more Mexican people. They chase your Central Park. That's got to be good. You're fucking, they throw you in a mud bud, and you got to see a.

with the, every time you see a green truck, you got to dive on the floor and shit and do a burpee. Every time you see an immigrant truck, you got to do a burpee. That's fucking, that's a good idea, guys. Don't be stealing my idea, immigrant fitness.

That shit is on fire. That's it, work out. That's everything. Yeah, you can have George Perez be the trainer. That's right. You have to run the fucking hills with the backpack. Right.

Come on, dog. I'm always thinking. Thank God I smoke weed. I'm always on. You could have one for each country. You could have a different workout. If you think about it, the Cubans could have swimming. Migrant Olympics.

The Migrant Olympics. Oh, my God. That's even better. And those Honduras in that jail, they just go to live or die. It's like a Spanish squid game for those fucking, they just sit there all day with, fuck. They just sit there all day with underwear and tattoos and hugging each other. You see that? You see those poor little fucking people in that jail?

They just sit there. 50 fucking Mexicans sniffing each other's sparse with their legs open in between each other. That's demoralizing. Yeah. That system is meant to break you, motherfucker. Dude, have you seen that? That system is meant to break. It's like a Cuban jail.

No clothes on. You want to shit, shitting that hole on the floor. Paper, toilet paper. Good luck. That's why those two hands are for. Oh, my God. Are you serious? And morrow.

Fuck, yeah, dog. You've told me about the shitting in a hole. You know, it's like when these people come here, Russians, Yugoslabians, all these people, and they go to our prisons. They're like, are you fucking kidding me? This is Club Med. You got to fight for your food in those prisons. There's no food.

They throw out like a chicken leg and there's eight guys in there. Somebody's dying. Fuck that. Have you said, I think, I forget if it was Mexico or somewhere, but like they were just on it, like the gangsters, like the cartel or whatever still runs the prison. Yeah. Like they have, one of them had like their families were still there. That's wild.

I can't imagine. What about like going to like a country like that and going to prison there just by accident? If you were on vacation. Well, I wouldn't wish that on anybody. I wouldn't wish on anybody. That's when people say, I'm leaving the country. Listen, don't buy no Coke. Don't buy no weed from a Chinaman?

You know, because in Thailand, don't they kill you? One of those, yeah. One of those, they just kill you to death, and you don't know. I think it's in the Philippines. Yeah, I'm on the move for another that shit. I know what happens here. And nobody's going to throw me in jail for smoking dope here. Nobody's going to hit me in the knees.

And you think Joey, you're shallow. I am. Because I don't want to get in trouble. I'm the kiss of death. All you just go to a fucking hotel. The guy pushes me. I say something. Next thing you know, I'm getting beheaded.

And I'm doing 50 years, and the government's on TV begging for me. Nobody wants me. You know, the Cubans, the Pope will feed. Let Joe Diaz live. I don't need this. You don't think the government would come and try to exchange you?

Dog, the government don't give too fucks about it. That's why I was talking about Russ Perot the other day. Because when his fucking people got kidnapped, his employees, he got a guy that was retired to train his other employees to save the ones that were locked in. And he made a promise to their families to have him back by Christmas Day, and he did. Really? And that's why in my world, I like Americans like Ross Perra. Because everybody else will tell you a fucking story.

Kissinger was trying to block him. He went around Kissinger. He was like, fuck this. My people are not going to spend the holidays. in that fucking Iranian jail. Oh, that was the Iranian contra thing or whatever? Well, this was more like... That Ben Affleck movie?

No, I don't think it was... Maybe it was. Maybe it was. But there was something else, weren't they? I'm not really good at... Yeah, I forget what that was. I'll find... I gotta get that book again.

I read that book in prison. The Ross Perrault story on Wings of Eagles. That's the name of the book. They made a series on NBC. Three-part series on NBC. I was already locked in jail. I'm going to have to go look at it. Because I don't...

My jail didn't have NBC. You know what I'm saying? That's fucked up. So he was just a business owner? Ross Perrault. Yeah? He was, uh, he did something. Oil, I think, don't...

No, I'll have to look it up. He's a Texas guy. Oh, of course. And they went over there to do something. They held them. And he promised the family. He'd be home by Christmas. And he did it.

He had his own people break into the fucking jail over there. With that dude, with that. It was supposed to be like a Marlon Brando and Apocalypse Now type of good. Oh, okay. Jesus Christ. Like one of those commando type

motherfucker. It's very interesting. Did you, I forget if I think that. Yeah, he ran for president and he lost to Clinton. I thought I knew the name. So I didn't realize he was a business guy before that. He would come out and go, these guys are paying for this with your money.

I'm paying for this with my money because he was, we looked it up on the Rogan podcast. He was worth a couple billion. Dude, I like him a lot. Oh, he was tough. He had big ears and shit. Tough, tough little guy. He fucking meant what he said,

and he said what he meant. Old school American, old school fucking dude from Texas. Just old school. This is old school. When they say something to you, they fucking do it. I can't imagine getting, like, your employee out of fucking prison. That's bad ass. Well, I got two old guys that I would live like them.

If I had that money, him and that other dude that married the fucking playboy bunny when he was 90, That'd be me. If I had all that money, my wife was dead. The one who died like a week later or whatever was? Whatever. And Nicole Smith- She had a suckers dick one time. I don't think they had Viagra then. That's the problem.

Like, he couldn't put it to the test. But with that kind of money, I'll go to New York and make them give me an implant that squirts. And fucking things come out of the ceiling and fireworks, that type of shit. Oh, yeah. I'm having a good time. That's so those are the only two options for you? Either you're going to be like a guy. training his employees to save his other ones?

No, I don't have parole money. I'm just saying if I did have parole money, I would live like he lived. He just, but I also liked Marshall. That was his name. Edgar Marshall or something like that. Marshall, that's a guy. Yeah, I would go that way.

Fucking old. The guy had fucking blood spots on his head. He went into his strip club. He saw it and he just fell in love. He gave it like a fucking diamond ring. When you could give a woman something and not even miss it. Oh, my God. Like when I could take $2 million out to buy a woman,

and something and it doesn't even put a crack in my account. And even if it did, at his, he knew he was dying. He was like, I'm going to have a fun, whatever it was. I'm going to die my way, motherfucker. Yeah, why fuck your kids. I'm my rules. I'm not going to die sitting in a room with ukulelees and priests, taking my money. I'm going to get myself a big fat fucking looking blonde with a big ass and big thitties.

Yeah. Who hasn't had a conscience and wants to live comfortably for the rest of our life. Like, listen, man, I'll give you my $60 million fortune. But you're going to suck dick until I drop. When I drop, you're going to be licking my nutsack with fucking whipped cream on it. And good for her. How much, like, I think that's worth it. Fuck, yeah, to suck an old dick and to have $60 million.

And then at the end, she got nothing. She really got nothing? Nothing. I didn't follow the eye. The son. The son took everything, something. That son of it. They got pissed.

They're like, we don't think he was in the right mental street. Which he wasn't. He's 90, and she's putting that 23-year-old fucking monkey in his face that smells like barbecue chicken and God knows what else. Forget about it. He's like, ooh-you-you-you. I think he was in the exact right mental state. His kids probably weren't helping him, hanging around, visiting him like once a month or something. The dude did that.

What was that team when the guy told he couldn't, she couldn't date black people? The Clippers. The Clippers. He was old, too. He just fucking said, I'm getting myself a young chick. You know what? I don't get a heart on, but it's better than that. looking at my old fat wife.

I'm going to get a dance for me with bikinis on and shit. I think women are doing it too. Aren't they doing it now? Like you hear, I hear a lot of, like, maybe not as big of an age difference. But women are going for, like, 20-year-old guys when, like, 50 to 20. I would do it. I love an older woman. I always have.

There's a woman today I saw with a dentist this morning who had to be 58, 59, just stunning. Still had a little body, still had cute little feet. You know, usually when their feet start going, that's it. When they start getting those bunions and it goes crooked and shit. Right, but dude, if you're in your 60s. But you got to see my feet. They ain't no fucking, they ain't no portrait of Europe either. I was looking at my feet the other night.

That's not. I have to go like a foot specialist. And they got to start from scratch. They got to pull nails off. They have to pull nails off? It's that bad? I got a nail that points up. Like, it goes north.

What did you do to your feet? I don't know. I don't, listen, this fungus. thing, I've done everything. And every time I eat mushrooms, they grow. Like, I think the mushrooms from the fucking mushrooms go into my toenails. Because the other than that, I buffed them out, and I got high in the room.

I was seeing shit. I buff them out, and it lands on my finger. You got to smell that finger. It is God awful. So you get secondhand smoke from your toenail dust? Oh, yeah. That is fucked up. And I sprinkle them on the edibles, and I give them to you.

So a lot of people will know. I know you do. You keep saying, he keeps giving me this coconut ones that have this white powder on it. That's it. That looked like they were like, you package them. And they had a weird taste to it. Yeah, they used to like their sugar. They don't taste like sugar.

Yeah, that was like, you know, the neptotine, whatever they put. Oh, my God. The sugar substitute. Yeah. Oh, my God. Fucking crazy, dude. What are you going to do? We've gotten older, you know.

Yeah, but my feet are fucked up. I mean, I looked at them. They put cream on them. I got, like, blood spots. It's a nightmare Like if I ever turn 90 And get a 16 year old girlfriend Whatever I do is doing

23 year old girlfriend I'm not to get my dick With socks on You know embarrassing that is You don't like doing that With socks on the backpack No Look at Bill Belich

He's 73 She's 24 No That's abuse That's a beautiful Dude he She has a joke This is a joke here

Okay This is a joke I don't think I could show my balls To a year Listen if you're 55 Yeah You can look at my balls That's what you see every day

your life when you're 55, but when you're 26, you don't deserve that as a woman. She's running for, like, Miss America, but she's like, as Miss New Hampshire or Miss Maine, one of those two I just read. She has a job at the University of North Carolina. Right, he got her a job. And she was in the Dunkin' Donuts Super Bowl commercial. Right, because he put her in there, not because no, exactly. So I'm saying, these balls must not be that bad.

The what? His balls must not be that bad. No, they are bad. That's why he has to get all those jobs where to stick around. He's given a three different fucking incomes. Yeah. Okay? So that's, it just doesn't look good.

I know he's got a daughter or a son somewhere. And they have a hard time with that. Oh, yeah. They have a hard time with that. He has multiple kids. Yeah. So, I mean, when you have a 24-year-old girlfriend and your daughter is 38, you know, it's just some shit that just doesn't look good.

Obviously, I know you're married. Nothing's ever going to change. But did you, like, I had a rule when I was last single that I didn't want to go under 25. If in a different world at 62, what do you think the youngest you would go is? 45. Okay. I have something to discuss with her. Right.

I have something to discuss. What am I going to do with a third? Well, listen, 30-year-olds are great. They're great. They're cute. They're silly. But, come on, there's not a lot of 30-year-olds that are going to hold you every day, that you're going to hold the conversation with every day.

Now you're going, Joey, who the fuck are you kidding? You're in there for the blowjob? No, you don't. Because I come in a minute. What am I going to do for the other 23 fucking hours? Okay? I mean, that's why you have to look at it. I had a rule when I was younger.

And as much people want to know or not, when I was doing Coke in the 90s, before I met my wife, that whole nine-year run, I have a rule, man, and it's a simple rule. Look at her and talk to her. If you could wake up to her in the morning, bring her home with you. But if she's going to annoy you the shit out of you, you might as well go home and jerk her.

If she's already starting to get annoying late in the night and drunk, and now she's going to go back to your house, you're going to be even drunker. And then she's going to pass out, and you're not going to get, they've got to wake up to her with that drama in the morning, with that alcohol breath and God knows what else. Now you've got to give her a ride home.

And shit think about it. Oh, so after I was like 30 after I left bolder had more control in my mind like that I had more control of what am I getting myself involved in? Because when I left Boulder it was I was sleeping with women But there was nothing they call me it too hey do you have any blow? Yeah Can I come over? I have a you know some of them will call can I bring my girlfriend? No Because then I got to work two chubbies I'm saying no So did the rules change?

I enjoyed it. I enjoyed these girls calling you at two, or you going to a bar and seeing them and going, hey, man, I got a gram of Coke, and then like, let's go back to your place. But after a while, I got old, because there was nothing there. I'd see them a week later,

and it was like nothing was there. Listen, everybody likes to have sex when they're coked up and shit. But it wasn't working for me anymore. By the age of 32, when I left Bode, I'm like, when I get a girlfriend, I'm getting a girlfriend. And I met a girl, and I dated her for four years, and it was okay. And then after that, I went off for two years.

And again, I was bumping into comedian chicks, you know, on the road, whatever. And I'm like, what the fuck am I doing again? Then I met Derry. Oh, I hated just dating for exactly the reason why you said it. I like, listen. Do you want me to tell what I like? Yes. I like picking you up or you picking me up, smoking a joint, going and getting something.

to eat, going someplace else and getting a couple cocktails, talking a little bit. Listen, we all want to bang her the first night. Of course. But then again, I mean, now people are banging in two nights. Lesson, dude. People are banging in two or one night. They're banging in an hour. In an hour, you know, so it's kind of very, I always like working for it.

I don't mind working for it. When something's too easy, you're not going to do anything with her anyway. When a chick tells you, I love to suck dick, you're not going to get your dick sucked at all. That's your stupidity coming out of her fucking mouth. And then you, your little ears get clocked up. You're buying her drinks at the bar. And next thing you know, she leaves with a chubby dude with a missing foot. And fucking, you're drinking there.

You're like, you know. Dude, you know, I like the struggle. I like meeting a woman and talking to her and meeting her mom and talking to the mom and the dad. And that's another thing, you know, talking to them and seeing what you're going on. And then, yeah, you want to eat their ass and have fun. That's something else. But at least you've got something out of it. Even if it don't work tomorrow, when I see you next time, it's going to be cool.

I didn't do it for a month. I didn't do it for six months and get anybody going or starting. There were just little things, and it was just weird. After I got married and divorced, and then I went through that shit for two or three years. It was just Coke chicks. Very seldom that I ask a chick out for dinner. You just didn't want to? I didn't meet them in that capacity.

I would always meet chicks out at night when they were doing Coke. Nobody wanted to eat it when they're doing coke. I can't even take it for a cheeseburger. And so none of those Coke nights ever turned into like, hey, let's actually go and be in a relationship or all of those are like... Two or three times we'd hook up after that. Maybe I'd go to the house and smoke a joint one day. I was walking in the mountains and I would go by the house and smoke a joint or something and then, you know, a week later, she's out of show with some other dude. And then a week later, they're calling me up going, hey, can I come over at 330?

No, no, yeah, what the fuck? I'm sitting here with my dick in my hand. You might as well come over. Right, but then, like, do they even stay the night or are they just, as soon as the coach gone on their guns? Some of them buggy the four or five in the morning after the deed was done and the coke was gone. Fuck. Because what you said, I think, was exactly right.

If you're annoyed with them or if they're not, if there's not someone you want to hang out with, it's always going to be bad. It's like, like what you were saying, like, of course guys want to get late. I'm sure women do too. Yeah, they go out, they get dressed up, they did their tone, nails, their fingernails. They don't want to go out to talk to somebody about insurance. But that's different. That's different. Going to a club or a bar and hooking up, I think, is different than the dating apps. And I, so I'm, yeah, yeah. Because if you, if you hook up

and me, I've had a couple women just come right over on the dating apps and none of them were anybody that I should have been with. And it was, not like I was throwing a pounds, too. But then you called away at night and you invite them to you out. Yeah, no, it was 100% on, I'm not blaming them, but I'm just, you know, meeting my McDonald's. And see if they order what they order. They order the fish sandwich. They smell like shit. Just keep going.

You know what I'm saying? Dude, if I got him to McDonald's, just come home. Dude, remember there was a girl you called milkshake and she wants my other friend, same girl, her nickname was Tater Tots because she Uber eats Tater Tots and then got into an Uber to my house. Like people, like, and at that point, I wasn't a prize either. Uber eats Tater Tats. Oh, plenty of people. That's some fucked up shit.

Oh, yeah. The crazy one to me is Starbucks. Just getting coffee delivered? I see that. And listen, man, people live in that world. I don't like nobody's touching my shit. So I'm cool with it. It's really weird that I'm telling you these guys this because it's a true story.

Like, when I met Terry, I was ready for Terry. I was so ready for Terry. I didn't get serious with Terry at all. Like two months. It was sporadic. We did coffee I would go to her house for lunch I would see her at the comedy store at night

Some nights if she was working I wouldn't go down there Then I disappeared for two weeks I wasn't really with her in the beginning You were like building a friendship? Yes and no we were swapped and spit You know, the type of shit But I still remember one like

Two months in Like and this is when I knew I go I got to get my life together Two nights, two months in I finally started I started hooking up with her. And one night, we met at Ralphie's house. I told I wouldn't see her for a couple days.

I was coming to New York. I'm not going to see you for a few days, but I'll definitely see you when I get back. And she showed up at Ralphie's like 2.30 in the morning. She goes, you know what, I want to hang out with you a little more. And we hung out, we stayed up the whole night. I'll never forget. I had maybe four cigarettes.

That's the time I came through Denver and went behind the bar and just a pack of cigarettes from one of those coffee shops. airport that's that's how broke I was probably had four cigarettes maybe a joint maybe twenty dollars and it was like a Tuesday night when I was leaving it was her slowest night like Wednesday night she made like 35 bucks she gave me a whole 35 bucks and I go what are you gonna do for the day and she goes I got change at the house and I'm probably gonna sleep half the day anyway and that's when I go you know what I gotta get my life together

when I come back I gotta start dating she just gave me the last money out of her purse, the last pack of cigarette she had, and she drove me to the fucking airport. And dude, and usually you're embarrassed in front of a girl. Yeah. If you need to do that. You're fucking embarrassed, okay? And you didn't ask for it, I'm sure. I didn't ask for it.

And just to, like, tie this back into what we started the podcast with, with, like, your friend who was, like, come buy me dinner for my birthday, that's why you married Terry. And, like, that kind of, like, yeah, I'm sure. You must think about that. all the time. I would.

All the time. All the time. She gave me that money, and I remember coming to New York and going, I got to get my life together. Like, this is something that she's okay, you know. I got to do something. And after that, I think I moved in one or maybe a month or two after that. And she still tells the story that when I got there, she goes, bring your clothes and your stuff.

And I shut up with one bag. And she goes, where's the rest of your stuff? And I go, this is it. And she goes, don't you have a lamp? A radio, a TV, anything. And I'm like, no. This is it. I had a bag, guys.

Fuck. When I moved in with my wife, I had a fucking bag. And it probably wasn't that big. Like, it was just a duffel bag, right? It was a fucking army duffel bag. Four pair of pants, a couple sweatshirts, a CD plant, some socks, toothbrush, gel. I had no underwear. I couldn't afford him.

Well. There was no underwear in those. days. It was cocaine or underwear? I was going to say, you could have afforded. What's window number two? Because by the way, underwear is like a one-time expense. It doesn't have to be like a weekly... But still, why waste the $8 on three of them? You know what I'm saying? $8 time every three months. That's what? Every three months you're buying underwear. Yeah, every three months you got to buy underwear. You're disgusting. I got big balls. My fucking, you know. But there's a picture of that. I saw a video of my balls.

Oh, we put it on Instagram, the one from the, when I took my balls off to the comedy store. Okay. Oh, yeah. I'm still on YouTube. I got like 92 million hits. I haven't gotten a dime. Fucking balls, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, they probably demonetized it.

Yeah, they demonetized it. They kept all of my, I guarantee there's 20 ads on my balls. Fucking D.B. fucks. But yeah, man, that was, you know, it's weird that I'm about to have an anniversary with her this year. and I've been thinking a lot about that. But we've got to cut to a break real quick. We're going to talk to you about Draft Kings, Hewle, and Nick. All right?

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and get the party started. We're back in black. You know, I was talking before the break about that this year, this June, will be 25 years. I'm with that crazy one. That's crazy. 25 years.

When she mentioned it to me, like two months ago, what are we doing for an anniversary? I'm like, one anniversary. And she's like, July. We've been together 25 years, Joe. And it destroyed my insides. I'm like, how the fuck did I last 25 years with a woman? I never thought I could make it past four years. Like, I lasted four years of my ex-wife.

I lasted four years with the girl after that. you know, I was a four-year man I mean, and I love you and I But do you ever think because like for Terry to put it like to deal with Because Joey Diaz 24 hours a day Like that's 25 years like That's a

I don't think a lot of people would have made it Like And you're great husband I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong It's not as bad as you think It's not like it's not saying you're But I'm just saying it to last For anybody to last

But, you know, like, you've talked, and this is not a negative thing about you at all. But you've talked about, like, especially at the beginning, how wild you were to last through those years. It's not easy. For seven years, she didn't know if I was coming home or not. That's crazy. Because even when I was home, she's like, when is this motherfucker? When is the phone going to ring? And when is you going to leave again?

She used to get really upset. Like, you were home at 12. When I went to bed, you were home. I got up at seven to go to work, and you were not home. Where would you go? I would fucking go out in Hollywood. You just didn't like being home or like... I had a drug problem.

Oh, okay. When you have a drug problem, you don't want to be a fucking home. I would bring the drugs home, do them, and then go, what am I doing here? I got to get out of here. And I'd get back, wait until I sober up a little bit, make some calls, and get the fuck out of it. And in those days, there was always somebody up in Hollywood. Always. I had a friend over on whatever. She was a drunk and there'd be people over there.

She went to the bar. So at three, she'd go home hammering and bring gay guys over there and they'd be doing coke and shit. And I'd slip by there. I had a couple Mike Favorman's. I'd slip by his house and two. In those days, there was always action. The guys at the store would hook up again at two

and go to some parties and shit. And I would let them know and they would call me. It was a different world then. And then like by 2005, the paranoia started hitting me different. I wasn't going out after I got home at night. It slowed down a lot. Then I got off for the 2007. The rest was, but it's funny.

I was thinking about that neighborhood. That one night I went downstairs to meet my deal. I had three dealers at the time. I didn't want them to know what I was doing. I didn't want them to know how much I was doing. So I would go to all three of them instead of just sticking. to one. And the guy at night, he was a bartender. His name was Johnny Blade. I used to call him Johnny Blade. And he would come over on a motorcycle. He got out of work at two. He'd be

by my house like 225. I could time him every night. He was, because there was two blocks away. And I'd be downstairs. And I'm one night, I'm waiting for him. And I'm out there on the steps, and I'm looking. And there used to be a light, not on my block, by the YMCA, but down the block there was a light and I'm looking at this light and I'm looking at this car and the light turns red and he's in no danger of stopping I can hear the engine going and he's like whoa and he blew fast me and not two seconds after the car was chasing him I was shooting with a gun and you can hear the bullets and you're paw paw and I'm out there fuck

maybe I should go inside fuck no I'm waiting for my coke I don't give a fuck who gets shot holy shit like that neighborhood used to be fucking insane so that's what I'm saying to you I was out I would go to Sergio's house. Sergio always had parties late night over there. He would fall asleep and I'd take the coke out of his pocket. And then he called me in the morning.

What happened, man? I had an eight ball in my pocket. Somebody took it out, that chick. That white chick. Blame it on her. It was just a different fucking world, Hollywood back then. I would do spots at the store, and that's where the party started. Right.

It was at the store where the party originated, you know, and in those days, I mean. And, like, and meanwhile, you're like, starting a relationship with Terry. So, yeah, I mean, and then there's been a few different phases, because then, like, you stopped doing Coke. Terry was phases because I still remember Terry waking me up one morning, like after breakfast and go, I need to talk to you. And those days, Marilyn Martinez would call the house every night at three in the morning.

Like, just to see it, in those days, Dice used to call the house at three and a house. And was it a house phone or a cell phone? It was a house phone, so the whole house would bring. And one night, I wasn't home. And Marilyn called at three in the morning. And when my wife answered it, she goes, Cock sucker! And Terry fucking blew a gasket.

My wife loved Marilyn. God rest of soul. But she kind of got a little like, you know. At three in the morning, cock suckers a little bit much. Yeah. And the next morning we had breakfast and she's like, I had to talk to you about something. She goes, you know, I dated guys.

But this is fucking insane, Joey. Phone rings. You got to go out. Fights at the comedy store. That was the hey there in the comedy store. She was watching everything. Remember, I would host on Sunday night, so she was watching everything.

There was always a dilemma up there. There was always an argument. I was always torturing those fucking guys. And she would deal with all this. She would have to deal with all this shit. You know, and, you know, There was a lot of times when you're at the comedy store, man. You're at the fucking comedy store.

You do a set. You get off, women are going to talk to you. And the other waitress is running and go, Joey's talking to a girl in the hallway. Look, if I was talking to her outside, I'm talking on the hallway, so she would know. That's why my wife don't give a fuck about nothing now. Because my wife was at the store those first four years, and she saw it. Right. She saw it.

She saw the life of a comic. and then she came home with me. So she saw the life of a comic from the inside out. Like she saw it. And she understood it, and she heard about what the other comics were doing. And then she just left me to fuck alone. Until this day, I have, as a husband,

I have one of the longest ropes in the world. If I call my wife right now and go, hey, I'm not coming home tonight, I'm going to stay at the office, she wouldn't say nothing to me. She trusts me that much. So she would go, okay, just be careful tonight. You're going to go out, no.

You go out drinking. We don't even talk about drinking. Right. But there's no, like, she doesn't, she walked into Osteria one. I was talking to two women. And she came right over. I introduced them. The women were like, oh, my God, you know.

She knows. She fucking knows. I tell her pretty much everything, even though if it, sometimes it takes me a week or two. But I still tell her. I still tell her, and she giggles. and, you know, she likes it. I tell her about stupid chicks, and she fucking giggles.

And she's been with me. Talk, she was with me at dinner one night when a fucking girl said something to me. And she was pissed. She was like, how dare that woman say that in front of me? A girl hit on you in front of your wife? Oh, yeah. And she's alive?

We went a big restaurant and the girls were there. Oh, okay. And I got up to go to the bathroom. And when I was coming out, there was two girls. They were like, we take a picture. So my wife was going to be.

bathroom with the girls. And my wife heard the whole fucking thing. I even said to my wife, honey, I'm going to take a picture and get to the table. She goes, don't worry, I got to go into the thing with one of the girls and the mom. And as she was walking, that's when the girl said it in my ear. She said something really, like, out of control.

Like, I don't, I would just, I just sat there and go, this is a confused girl. I show my ball. She's going to faint three times and gag. But she had to be a prostitute. She was really good looking, very flamboying. She looked like she was a prostitute If she's talking about that stuff with your wife right next to

She's something Like they say crazy shit My wife giggles you know You gotta remember the people hang out with my neighborhood of women I hang out with two women pretty much in my neighbor You always hang out with women They're both married I have a great time with them

I made one of my partner I made little stupid videos for gole and shit Oh yeah Steve's wife Of course And then ravioli. I always talk to ravioli every two days about something. You know what?

I don't think we've ever talked about. How did you feel about dating her when she was, when she worked at the store? Because that doesn't seem like something you would allow. Something that I wouldn't allow? Just for yourself personally. Like, just dating someone where you work there. Listen, I had been going to it.

When I met Terry, I'd been going to the store for three years. I was a regular there. Never really had any drama in there. I know rules. There's rules of comedy, especially on the road. Rule number one is don't hit on the way she's on the road. Even if they like you, don't hit on them. Because that club owner watches everything.

And eventually he's going to fire her, and then you're not going to be able to go there, especially as a feature act. Because feature acts are wild. When I was a feature act, I had to do 30 minutes and just hang out by the bathroom. You could hang out by the bathroom? Yeah, wait for girls to come over.

Hi, that was funny. Oh, my God. You know, especially when I opened for Rogan. Wow, yeah. Just stay, will come up to you. Oh, my God, can you introduce me to Roggan? Yeah, but, you know. No.

I'm just saying that it was, it was, when you're a feature act, you're buck, wow, you make mistakes, man. Right. And I made them, and I never went back to those clubs. And they would make a thousand excuses. But at the end of the day, I knew why. I either did coke with a waitress I slept with a waitress

there's just little rules you know and I wasn't paying attention to all I loved to tell you you know I was paying attention in those days I didn't give a fuck if it wasn't the improv or fucking a theater I didn't give a fuck

I would never think I never thought I was gonna get back so I wouldn't mind burning a bridge from time to time but back to your question which is a very interesting question when I saw Terry there was something about Terry

I liked her eyes and we started talking, and I was like off the kilter, and that's why I was like hitting on it kind of lightly, because I know Mitsy didn't allow it. I know Mitsy didn't allow it, and she didn't like it, but if you were in already and she found out, she wouldn't care. Right. And she didn't find out that we were already living together.

It was too late. I already told Mitzie we're living together. Would she have been mad if she found out not from you? you? Yeah. That's wild. That's crazy. That's a whole other thing.

I didn't like it either. Listen, if you think I like dating a girl that I live with at the fucking comedy store, you're fucking crazy. Yeah. But in reality, it kept an eye on me.

Right. It watched all my career because I got to made a bad mistake those years, and she was right there to justify her to go, no. And it was funny. After she said, started working at the store, there was still some nights of craziness. Don't get me wrong.

Right. I'm sure. Some stuff that she saw, not from me. Not from me. So she started understanding the game more. And then she would put labels on, like if that happens to you, Joey, she'd not, you know, we would discuss it. So she got to see that also. The craziness, what is women in the audience. When they're there with a man and they come up to you and go, and fuck you upstairs and then go back and sit with that man. That never happened to me, but it happened at the store. It's a reality.

That it fucking happened. So, listen, I don't know how it worked. There's days I'm like fucking 25 years, and a kid. I had a woman who ran from me when we got divorced. She fucking ran like her asshole was on fire. Ran, fuck. talked about me, fucking tortured me in the courtroom, tortured me in life.

I took a beating. I didn't ever want to get married, and I didn't ever want to have a child again. But I met Terry. And then the relationship, I was like, this ain't going to last. This ain't going to last. Because I'm a fucking animal. At that time, I was out there where the buses don't run. But she calmed me down a little bit.

And then I got off the Coke. and then, like a year after I got off the Coke, there was some problems at the house. She was like, I'm getting old, and nothing's happening here. And I was like, I told you when we hooked up, there's no marriage in this fucking house. I already did it. I failed.

No reason to do it again. Once you fail at something like that, like marriage, like I failed the most basic thing you could fail at, communication. That's basic. Communication is basic. and we get together with women for different reasons, and yes, it's okay if you don't like somebody

after eight fucking years. It's okay, there's nothing wrong with you. But in that situation, I failed because I had everything in front of me. I had a job with her. I liked her family, but I also wanted to do fucking comedy. I also wanted to do comedy in a bad way. There was no way I was going to go fucking,

sell roofs from the rest of my life. I had to at least know that I failed at comedy, and then I would go back to a job happily. But there was no way at that age I wasn't going to get into comedy. It had been on my mind for too long, you know? Right. And then, you know, because I don't think, I don't necessarily think you fail.

You know, it wasn't a great end to the relationship. But I think it's better, I honestly think it's better to break up to stick around for the kids. I see it now. I see it now. When I go to softball games, parents who don't communicate, the kid knows.

100%. The fucking kid always knows. So in my house, listen, when you walk in my house, especially with my daughter and shit, I wanted my house to be completely opposite of the house I grew up.

We all do, right? I didn't like that about my house. I didn't like that about my house, and I didn't like that about my house. If I get a house someday, it's going to be different. And that's what I've done with this house. And one of the things is, like, a no pressure.

Like, we don't have to get up at 8 and everybody has to jump in a shower and you run out of hot water. Like, she gets up, let her jump in the shower and my wife, and I lurk. I lurk till about 9 o'clock. Then I jump in, I get out of that night, 10 a afternoon. So that takes a lot of stress. There's just little things that nobody drinks in the house. Nobody drinks alcohol in that house.

So there's no fucking... arguments, there's no drunk talk, there's none of that shit in my fucking house. I smoke dope in the garage or sometimes I go outside in front of the car. You know, nothing's in my fucking house. Like, I don't want no smoke upstairs. I don't want, you know, you have to, this is what I have to do to maintain this house with a daughter in the house. Would it be different with a son?

Yes and no, you still have a child in the house. Right. So there's a certain way you have to act when you have this child in the house. You know, I don't want to smoke pot in my living room. No. I'd rather she don't see me and she... Have her suspicions, maybe. Have her suspicions.

I'd rather her do that. And she knows. Right. She even told me when she knows them my stashes. But I don't want it to be the grateful dead in my house with a bunch of fucking people, drunk. That was never going to happen. No, dude, and it's crazy because I had this written down, another word I would use for what you're talking about. I think you've used it before is peace.

Peace. It's crazy how much of it. difference that has when you have a peaceful life how much of a different makes in their whole life when i tell you george nick my wife christina that i love you when somebody tells you they love you like what the fuck what are we gay what faggots no that's a promise that i'm never going to bring stress into your life that's a promise that a cop's not going to call you three in the morning and go, George, come bail him out. You know, all the things that would upset George would upset you,

I had to do that. That's, that's, when you tell people you love them, I'm not going to put no drama in your fucking life. Nobody's going to knock on your door, go Joey kills somebody at three in the morning, you know, come down for the state, no, no, no, no. If anything, I'm here to help you, you know, if anything, and if I don't have it, we'll get it. We'll figure it the fuck out.

George knows I'll climb through a fucking window. George saw me on a Friday took a stereo with the fucking social security check. He knows. George knows. Don't fucking test me, motherfucker. Because I'll take it. I'll take everything. I'm an old school fucking thief. I will take

everything. You understand me? But nobody's going to starve in my camp. Not in these days. Not no more. Not like when we did. Nobody's going to fucking starve. We'll steal it. I don't give a fuck. What are they going to do? Throw you in jail? No, they won't. No, they won't. You know what I'm saying?

mind. Who gives a fuck. But that's really it, man. Twenty-five fucking years. A long time to be with a woman. And listen, man, I love it just the same in the beginning. Even more now.

Now we just giggle and shit. It's great. Now you know each other. I smell her farts. She can't tolerate mine. You know what I'm saying? 25 years. Yeah, that's... 25 years. And when you heard that about people, like people have been together 30 years and like that's never going to happen to me.

I'm going to be with the same fucking pussy for 30 years. And look at it turn gray and old dog. It's an adventure. It gets better. Everything gets better. That's cool. And especially because it happened like, there's probably a lot of people listening who like, you know,

had a marriage fail or really everyone's had a relationship fail. We all have shit, but you know what? I always believe that God didn't put you here to die by yourself. There's an ass for every seat. Remember Dale? Jones used to say that. There's an ass for every fucking seat.

Okay? And I, you know, women panic. Women are the worst. Women are the fucking worst. Because once they hit 34, they think this is it. I got to meet this guy. Then they meet a guy that's the worst one they've ever met. But they don't see a sheep, what's that expression?

A wolf in sheep's clothing because they're so overwhelmed with the child and the fucking marriage and, you know, pigeons and my cousins coming in from Hialeah, you know. And they don't, and that's the biggest mistake they make. Now they're 43 still looking good with two fucking kids. And that bum ain't paying child support. And he sees the kids once a week. So you ended off in a worse position than you were by not just getting dick. It's like my friend's mom, my dear friend called me.

And we were talking about her daughter. 34. I'm the 20th boyfriend. You know. And you're like, after a while, you've got to say to yourself, wait a second. This pussy is making some horrible fucking choices. I'm going to get off the dick for one year. I'm going to get off the dick, like what I did. Get off the pussy for a year just to focus you, to make you realize what you really want in a woman or in a man. Before you make a bad fucking mistake.

We've all made mistakes where in our mind This is gonna be it I'm gonna marry her Pigeons I'm gonna live like a doctor No, it's not always that way It's not always that way Because you went with a preconceived notion It happens to men and it happens to women

When you're 34 and you want to get married As a man and you've been Dating Hoos all your life That cheat on your fuck your brother Steer your car and crash it You gotta change dicks You have to look at it from a different perspective and go, you know what?

I'm not going to date a woman for a year. No more fucking websites, no more nothing. I'm taking a year off from pussy to make me really realize and build the woman or the man I want in my head to pop up next time. I know what I want and this is what

I'm looking for. Yeah, everybody wants a chick with fake tits who can suck a dick. Listen, three years in, you don't make the car payment. Those bitches are gone to another guy who fucking pay for their tits. And I always learned something from Bruce Lee Bruce Lee was a good-looking Chinese guy International star

His wife was no fucking playmate But she stood by him And that's the woman that calmed them down And that's a lesson for a lot of people When you're 21 Everybody wants to marry Farrah Fawson When you're 30 You'll marry that chick with the missing toe

From the bartender At that fucking dump bar you hang out with Because that's it The window's closing And that's what we all do We start getting desperate Oh my God I'm not going to have a child

Oh my God, I'm gonna die alone and we make the worst fucking mistake because we're going in there with something What I'm to just getting together sucking my dick? I eat your pussy. We smoke a joint you go home Let's start with that Let's start with a walk the Carvel and we'll take it from there I'll suck your tit in the car You know what's saying? What happened? What happened on the third date? Huh? What's the third date? Ice cream whatever Carvel I don't know But these are all the decisions you're gonna if you're gonna if you're gonna? You're going to go to a bar and you're going to hit on a girl.

She's snorting coke with you, and she just broke up with her boyfriend, and he's an animal, and you're going to get engaged to her. That's not going to work. She's been getting fucked at bars for 20 years. And when she dumped your ass, she's going right back to that fucking bar. These are the things you got to know. You know, like people, you want to meet a whore? Go to a fucking bar and get up one of those chicks with a tight shirt on.

You want to meet a smart chick, go to a fucking library. I met my wife in a fucking comedy store. What do I know? And it worked, dude. I mean, it's crazy. Like, the dick. I mean, you've talked about your other relationships. Like, it sounds like you might have put, like, a little bit more effort in with Terry than you did with other ones.

Or, like, you'd... I didn't want to get married to the other ones. Like, I didn't. After I got divorced, what? Listen, I met my wife when I was basically 20 fucking years old. 21 years old I met her And here's the scary thing

Your first wife My first wife This August I don't know that bitch For 40 I met her August of 85 It's

April of 2025 Yeah She knows me like the back In my fucking hand That bitch Even though you haven't spoken In a while?

Yeah Because she was there in the beginning She saw the animal Wow So I met her in 85 and we were done in 91 maybe. You got to figure I didn't see her for six months. I was locked up.

Listen, man, you know, it is what it is. And I wasn't going to get married again after that. I lost everything. I paid debt till 10 years ago I paid debt on that fucking divorce. So, you said like you weren't going to get married? What made you decide to finally get married? I wasn't going to get fucking married. Right.

And I had met other guys. girls and some of them were nice, some of them were, nobody was marriage material. Honestly, you want me to tell what made me married, Terry? Yeah. When I woke up at four in the morning one day and she had my football suit out for the longest yard, and I was like, what the fuck is going on here? This ain't a regular girlfriend. This is not a regular girlfriend.

Up with me, because I had to be there at five, so I would have to get up at 3.45. Sometimes I just stopped snort and coke at 3.30. She would get up Fuck and I'd take a shower Put the football suit on She'd make me a little breakfast Just so I wouldn't drive down there 45 minutes

With nothing in my stomach A lot of people don't do that They wouldn't give a fuck if you left hungry So that That gave me all the consideration It's really funny There's an episode of Sopranos When he's gonna go out and meet the realtor

And he goes to a house But that's the night That she helps him butt in the shirt Oh yeah Remember that? She helped him button his shirt. That's a really good scene. At least it was for me because I understood.

And then he went to his girl's house and he was dying a fucker. But as he was taken off his shirt, he thought about his wife. And he goes, what am I doing? What the fuck am I doing here? I just got shot in the head. She was by me for six weeks. And then I was home for fucking four weeks. And there she is.

And now I'm going to fuck the first chick that moves around. And I learned that when I was like 20. The guy who used to own the little... the gas station across the street from North Bergen had everything. The Porsche, you know, he was 25. You had a Porsche, a house, a house in Miami, a truck, you know, and all these women would go to that gas station because he was a good-looking Spanish dude.

And I remember a girl that has a boyfriend that was going to get married came up to me one day, and she goes, you're really tight with him. Tell him, I want to sleep with him one night on the side. Nobody will know. I go, okay. Next time I saw George, I go, hey man, we started talking about girls, and he goes, yeah, she's pretty hot. I go, listen, you didn't hear from me, but she told me if you wanted her asleep with her, she would give you a piece of ass.

And he looked at me for a minute, and he goes, she's really pretty, but it's not for me. And I was like, what are you talking about? He goes, bro. He goes, I've been with my wife when we lived in a one-bedroom apartment with no money. What kind of man would I be now to cheat on it? And I was like, that's character. Yeah I think it

And it's It would destroy Like it would just Destroy them I think I And I think It's crazy Like even when you were saying

When you showed up At Terry says with a bag And to think about what you have now But like She's been there For the Like to see what you guys have built It's pretty crazy

That's why I tell everything It doesn't matter What the fuck I do I'll tell her Because she'll look at me and go What the fuck Joey I just tell her because why lie to her? It's not good.

Anything I do with anybody, I pretty much tell her. When did you start doing that? I started doing that like eight years in. If I haven't experienced it a woman, I tell her. I get it off my chest before she hears it secondhand or sees a picture. At the end of the day, nothing happened. But I sat with her for three hours at Joe Rogan's bar. Right.

You know what I'm saying? A couple people said something to me about that. Why? It was that girl. I was like, listen, she's a dear friend of mine. I'm 62. I'm in no mood. This shit don't get up all the time.

This dick don't get hard like it used to. You know, what if you make a call and your dick don't get hard? I'm back. I'm not going to be. You know what I'm saying? So I cover my bases. At home, I could fail. I could shoot a dead at home.

She's through me for 25 years. Fucking some young chick. I don't, it's not even, you know, it's fun. I love going out at night and talking to fucking some young chick You know I told you I went to a strip club About a month ago and I was talking to a black girl all night Didn't ask her for a dance or anything

At the end of night she goes you're going to give me a hundred bucks And said absolutely And I just gave her a hundred bucks I needed that hundred bucks the next day But I made her fucking world And that's when I come back to me tenfold And I didn't try to fuck her And she's still my friend on Instagram

We'll be back We'll be back next week, Cucksuckers. Tip-top, Magoo. What do you got this week? Anything? Yeah, May 4th, I meant Broadway. I'm at, I'm sorry, Greenwich Village Comedy Club. There you go.

And me, May 8th, May 17th, Philadelphia. It's sold out, so I don't even know why promoting the date. Go to the excite page and look at see if they have tickets for August. I'm sure they'll have a bunch of tickets. Come on out. Knock yourself out. Have some fucking cheese steaks at Merlinos and do what you need to do. I love you, Cocksuckers.

Love you guys. Have a great week, and we'll be back next Tuesday. Tip Top Magoo. It'll be like May 8th or something. Stay black, cocksuckers. Love you. I'm back to church!