The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - In training

Episode Date: July 7, 2026

What didnt we talk about this episode? Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk ordering dinner on a payment plan, Joey's hatred of jelly, and why we are always still in training,. SHOW NOTESDraftKings has you fully covered this playoff season. Sign up with code JOEY & spend $5 to get $200 in rewards within 21 days @ https://www.draftkings.com mobileappsIf you're 21 or older get 30% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code CHURCH at https://inda.shop/CHURCH #indacloudpod Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code JOEY @ http://BlueChew.com/  

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's up, beautiful people? It's the church of what's happening now. New Testament, July the 7th, 2026. What up, Mook? What's up, buddy? How was your force?

You came back with both hands, so that's good. Jews ain't good with fireworks, just with missiles, you know what I'm saying? They can light a missile, but a firecracker, they can't do it. Did I ever tell you about me lighting fireworks in Tampa the last time I was there? Yeah. And the fucking cops came? Yeah. Oh, I...

That would only happen to you. Of course, it's the only dude I don't do. Did you do fireworks as a kid here? Yeah. They were like illegal, illegal in Massachusetts. They're illegal everywhere, but who gives a fuck? As soon as the cop makes the torn, bah! You're light it and then the middle.

I told you, motherfucker's not that. Wasn't else. I'm black kids from Georgia City. I kind of miss, and I'm not a huge fireworks guy, but in L.A., if you like fireworks, it's fun because, like, the Mexican people, it's like, they have like a city fireworks, but I would just go to my roof. in LA and like the entire valley would be fireworks. They had a whole thing that you could see it from like the satellites in space because

they like they treat to the 4th of July. It goes on for like a couple weeks. Do you remember that? Well, even in my neighbor, they like firecrackers now. Do they still? The 20th. By you? Oh, shit.

You hear of shit going on. You got all these fireworks. I know a guy who bought $10,000 with the fireworks. You're not going to light those all in one night, you know. That's going to take two, three weeks. $10,000. Sentai, you had a party by my, I didn't go. I'm not going that shit.

Listen, fireworks are like parades. You see one, you see them all. I agree. I'm going to start arm wrestling motherfuckers to go to the whole bulk and I don't want to see that shit that bad. I had a perfect 4th of July. I went down the shore. I got home at 8.30. Okay.

They were yik-ycking, watch finding some on TV. I got a bowl of cherries. And I sat on my balcony and watched that fucking rain hit from the, minute it hit. And next thing I saw all the people's lights go off one by one. Da, da, da, da, da. And the generator kicked them. I'm like, I'm good. And fucking internet was out all day Sunday. Dog, I walked around with $10 for two days. I couldn't even get money out of the bank. The ATM machine by my house and the other one up on the old bridge. Do you still not have a credit card? When I was in that, when we were in L.A., you'd walk around, you don't have a debit card

and you'd go out and get like cash. But I don't remember. Remember you having an actual credit card. I have a credit card for big things. Okay. Because my wife said, put it on there because we got points at the end of the month. Right. And I have an ATM card. But you still carry cash?

Fuck yeah. Why? Why not? I don't want to be that. Because people go around, I don't have no cash. I can't pay and then you got to pick up their lunch. People run a scam with the fucking ATM scam. Yeah.

So listen, I like giving cash to people. I like being able to fucking tip and whatever the fuck you need. So even if you have a hundred bucks in your pocket, it's better than not having nothing. I carry a little bit. Because let me tell you something. If you're ever in a pinch,

that ATM card, that American Express black, ain't going to do dick because I can't pay a brat. You know what I'm saying? So you always got to have some cash somewhere, a $20, a $50 bill, something in case a party happens. I have a little bit now because it's a stand-up,

but it'll be in my wallet for months. Because, dude, this place is in New York where they don't accept cash. No, there's places anywhere that they're cashless and paperless. That's when you shoplift. That's when you're at the hotel.

The Thompson. You want a juice. They'll just give it to you. Like, we don't, we don't. What do you do? Have you ever been to a restaurant where they want you to scan the QR code and pay on an app?

Like, it was in an airport once and an I hop. You had to, like, scan and pay. And I always, like, I think about you and, like, my parents, like, people who are of that age, I can't imagine what you do if someone's like, hey, you got to scan this and pay on your phone.

Like, I don't, I don't know what you do. I just learned how to scan the Q code. You did? Maybe a year ago. But if you got a Q code, I don't really want to do business with you. I want to see a paper fucking menu, okay? Yeah. I want to see a paper fucking menu.

I can't, I don't know how to sell, I have PayPal, and that's as good as it gets, but I don't have PayPal. Then you ain't getting paid, you know, because I don't have Venmo. I don't have one of those things. No? I go with one. I stick with one. I still got hot mail.

That's, I think you might be one of the few. What does that tell you? I still got hot mail that works. When all you Gmail motherfuckers get hacked and your wife's pussy's out there, my hot mail is tougher than debt. You understand me?

Because no one's on hotmail. Have you ever changed your password? Or is it like the same from the beginning? I don't even know what it is. I think now I have to sign it through Google and I got to call my wife. Honey, what's the Google? She's got to come down and fucking type it in for me.

I don't know, nothing. Oh, my God. That's so funny. Nothing. People get all these fucking things, and all those codes are out there, and all your information is out there. The more things you get,

the more your information is out there, and you pop up more. Yeah? So that's why sometimes you've got to have a little bit of cash, sometimes you have an ATM, sometimes you have a credit card. But if you have 22 credit cards, they're going to steal your shit eventually.

Oh, yeah. That's why I know if one of those two credit cards goes, that's it. That's all that's in the wallet. There's an ATM and a fucking credit card for expenditures. I'd love to get that American Express fucking, you know, like the United Cards or shit. Yeah, I have the Delta one.

You don't like it? $700 a month. No, it's $700 a year. Yeah. But they give you. They give you a dick. There's all that shit I forget about. The Delta one's good.

All that should I got three free trips. I forget about it. Yeah. Every time I buy a new trip. Oh, you got three free trips. Just leave me to fuck a long. Delta gives you two free bags. insurance a dicks for your bat.

If the bat breaks, where's that paperwork at? Where's the insurance? You know what I? They just get you as shit. No. Is all that a scam? Like, they have that when you buy a car. All that's a scam. Yeah. Ice Cube and the other black chick. Oh, if you have a 1960,

every afternoon, I'm trying to watch fucking SVU and they pop on. Transmission problems. You need this. Listen, the car's older than five. You're on your own. Everybody knows this. In a year, I'll be on my own with that, Lex. you're on your own.

Yeah, you could buy, but they're always going to find a way to fuck you. Yeah. They always, just when you're the happiest you could be, they always find something. Like, this doesn't qualify or, you know, we can only pay 30% of the $22,000 bill. There's always something.

You're always getting fucked. My friend said she had pet insurance. You know, she goes, yeah, you pick it up, but it takes a year to get a check out of them. Really? By the time you get to check, the dog is done. You know what I'm saying?

So all this shit is great on paper and white people love it. I got insurance. You're just paying garbage. It's like all you motherfuckers, you ever go rent the car? And they try to say that insurance and they make it like it's going to be awful.

If you get into an accident, my insurance covers it at home. Yeah. But you're giving them $8.99 a day because you feel bad. It's $40 a day now. I'm renting a lot. A fucking day.

Yeah. A fucking day. So how much more can I tack on to that? That windshield, fluid, you know, they get you from a redirection. The American consumer is getting fucked in ways the last, I don't know. Like I've never seen them get fucked. Look at this World Cup soccer. Now they're on there every night.

We don't know what happened with the train. People are not taking, well, because you charge $150 fucking dollars for the fucking train. So not only do I have to come here from Europe or Uruguay or whatever fucking soccer country I'm from. And then I got to pay 10 for waters in there. At least. So you're getting fucked as a consumer. You don't even feel like it's worth it. No.

When I book to comedy shows, I don't even, I have to stop asking, how much is the service fee? What is this service fee for? I don't get a dime of that service fee. What exactly do you do to get $18 out of me for? service fee. And you look at this shit and you go, what am I going to do? But this is constant. This is on every

daily basis. So you as an American have to get informed of what's bullshit and what's not bullshit. And that's tough too. You're trying to raise a family, trying to play the mortgage. And I've got to worry about who's fucking me at the pet store. You know, who's

fucking me here? Who's fucking you there? Because right, you go to a restaurant now. Oh, you want to pay with a credit card. I'm going to charge you 8% more. Yeah. You know, it don't stop anymore, guys. So now is the time as an American, you have to decide how much more am I going to get fucked in the ass? I don't know if you can avoid it to be honest.

No, you could avoid a lot of things. You know, part of the shit you do for your kids, Disneyland, that's a fuck fest. You might as well spread your cheeks and let Mickey Mouse rape you. Because that's exactly what the fuck they're doing to you as an American. We don't feel it. It's all on the car. card. But when you get home and look at that shit and go, I paid what for what? There's people who go to the Disney and Tokyo because it's less money to fly to Tokyo and go

to that Disney world than it is to go to the one in Florida. It's, yeah, at least, at least. You think you can avoid it? Like, I think to avoid it, you just have to do nothing. You ever go to a doctor's office and make you do a follow up. They get you for the co-pay and you go in there. It takes three minutes. Why am I paying a copay? But they'll co-pay you to death. You know, it's a shame what they do. And these people are hardworking Americans.

They don't have $2.99 to fucking rent the car on insurance. You know, it's fucking rough out there. You know, I'm going to tell you something. Because I don't know if I'm the only one who saw this. I'm sure George saw this. Last week, there was a predicted 12 million people who were going to travel. You don't believe rarely Listen

Both those airports Thursday Empty I mean I got to fucking Austin two hours before Because of a wheelchair Okay I just walked

I was at the fucking taco place I was at gate 25 And I still had an hour And I have to wait There was nobody there And they fucked up my knee pad And took it off It wasn't for that

I would have walked right through and Newark flying out, there was nobody there on Monday. I thought Thursday coming back, there was nobody there. That's crazy. I don't know. See, they lied to us. It's consistently. Hold on from fly this week.

The airlines are going to be busy. NSA said they're going to see the most people they've ever seen. I didn't see them. And those are busy airports. It's not like you are fucking nowhere to nowhere. Austin, when you laying in Austin on a Monday, you're like, what the fuck is going on there this week? Why all these people at the airport Monday at 3 o'clock?

Is that bad? Why are there two bands playing? Why there people at the airport bars? Like, it's the 4th of July. People landing there on Monday. It's like a destination now? Mm-hmm. But flying out of there, there was nobody flying out on the 4th, on the 1st,

second. I came back on the 2nd. You figure all hell was going to break loose. That's when the geniuses fly a day before. Mm-hmm. The 4th of July, there was nobody at the airport, gentlemen and ladies. So I bought bumper was bump. Traffic was bumper to bumper.

I went up north Friday. It was a big mistake. It took me an hour 40 to get back from Clifton. Oh. And that was a 10 in the morning. How people were driving like a motherfucker. Everything's too expensive. I think people are just deciding they're not doing shit anymore.

I don't blame them with it. Like you see how much airline like flight prices are. now. Imagine if you had to bring it, like, I'll just drive to the Jersey Shore. Things are so rough now that whenever you purchase them, they give you an option to finance. Yeah. Never mind. You can finance vitamins. I just bought two shirts online.

Make three easy payments. When do I get, what is this? Layaway online? Yeah. There's a whole company that's cool. I don't want to shit talk any of them. But there's whole company, that's all they do. Is like, there's two that I can think of. That you can, you can do it like with Grubhub

now. Like if you're ordering dinner, You can do your payments for dinner. It's, yeah. That is fucking insane. You guys are enlightening me now. And then if you miss it, if you miss your payment, your fucking dinner is 20, 30 percent. So, all right, so I eat dinner on a Monday. I'm tapped.

I got no money until Thursday. How do I do this, then? Just when you're paying on grub, you know, you can't call them on the app. It just gives you like pay with your, pay with credit card, debit card, or, yeah, there's Klarna and a firm are the two I'm thinking of. Clorna. It's just it's basically a loan shark. It's just they'll give you, they'll pay for it,

and then you got to pay them. I don't know. I've never done it, knock on wood, so I don't know if they give you some interest at the beginning. But it's like a credit card payment. They just, you pay in a certain amount. If you don't pay, you're fucked. That is fucking insanity.

I learn something new every day. Another way to fuck you. I wouldn't deliver the food. Oh, there's people who get caught doing that. I deliver it somewhere else and sell that. I'd bang them out on two. Did you order beef strogan? No, I didn't.

It's $9.99 to that. Usually goes for 24. I'm running a special. Do you have three of them? No, just one. Do you know you can sell food on Facebook now? There's people who have, like, restaurants in their house. And you go to their house and they bring you out, like, dude, it's,

I'm really fat and I'll buy most things, but I'm not going to go to someone's house and get like shrimp from them. They do like the seafood boils. There's a guy in New York right now who makes pizza out of his trunk. It's called like the pizza pod. He has like a little pizza oven

in the back of his car. And apparently people are going crazy for it. Apparently it's good. I don't know. But you can do it. It's again, I want the old Italian guy with the, and he might have a mole on his face.

Yeah, he definitely has more on his face. That's the guy. I don't need no pizza car and a pizza. I mean, I don't have this shit. It's just novelty. Yeah. Like,

oh my God, I just ordered from the place. The guy makes pizzas in his trunk. Okay. I'm really fucking happy for you. Speaking of food, did you, I'm sure you didn't.

Did you watch the hot dog contest at all? No. That's one of the stupidest. And I watched both. I watched the men and the one. Did you think of entering it? There's no fat people. Now, Joey Chestnut is banned, right?

No, he's back. He was back this year. He didn't, he ate a shit ton of hot dogs. They showed the water that they dunk the buns into, fucking brown. But it was, I was dying, laughing because the guy who announces it thinks he's Bruce Buffer and is doing these intros for people for people who look like they're like, like, some of them, I don't know, looks fine. But there were a couple people who looked like they were like homeless people. and he was doing these very elaborate introductions, and they're just shoving,

like this one guy had records for the, like, eight pounds of fudge in 10 minutes. It's just like, it's, they're treating it like, it's a real, like they did like the post, you know, like in basketball, we're like, what were you focusing on today? How did, they did that with like them eating hot dogs, and I was sitting there. I had never watched it before.

I never understood why they dipped the bottle of water. Because it, like, slides down your throat. They're eating two at a time. I could eat two at a time. Listen, you give me one of those red devil edibles. I'll go up against Joey Chestnut. At two in the morning, I'll fucking out eat them. How come there aren't...

There's one fat black dude, Badlands chugs who chugged, like he set a world record for the fastest chugging of a gallon of lemonade. But he's the only fat guy. Everyone else is skinny and in shape and the women did it. And that's, this is just an honest question. Why, like, I understand why, like, men can be better than women at some sports. But, like, why are men better than women at eating hot dogs?

Like, I just don't understand what is the difference between men. Like, they ate, like, double what the women ate. It was, but there was one, the woman who won was pretty good. She's won, like, 12 years in a row. Yeah. Even that, that don't make sense. An Asian woman fucking winning a hot dog come. That's where I'll disagree with you.

An Asian, Asian women throw down. No, no, no, no. They eat more than us. I understand. Well, I don't see a fucking Chinese lady eating hot dogs in a native country. You know, she comes in and all of a sudden start eating fucking rubber. Those hot dogs are rubber, you know. Yeah, Nathan's are pretty bad.

Have you had a Nathan's in a while? I have no idea, Lee. I have no idea. Yeah, I know. They have a nice chili, right? The chili? They have chili. They have chili.

I have them when I go to Sely a cruise restop. On fucking, on the road. I always go to Sely a cruise rest stop, and I get one of those. Because they have, yeah, they have those things on that. Lee, I don't know.

I don't fucking know what's going on in the world anymore. And you tend just to mind your business. That's your best bet. It's just to mind your fucking business some days because it's too big. You didn't want to hear how he got to this point. You're like, okay. You think I should do, okay.

I saw a lot of crazy people last week in Austin. Oh, I'm sure. The heat does something to you, I think. I don't know what the he does. I just saw a lot of crazy homeless people. I would sit in front of the hotel at night and just watch people walk by for a half hour. And it's just, it was a Monday night last week.

I'm sitting out there talking to the, the Bellman, smoked the joint, I'm just talking to him. And there wasn't a lot of people out, like it wasn't constant. But every five minutes, there were these two girls that were dressed alike. One of the girls' shoes broke. They kept walking to the corner and then walking back. I watched this for like 30 minutes.

They'd walk to the corner and with the busted shoe, and every time they'd walk back for something else, oh, I left my purse at the bar. Oh, I left this. At one point I saw four black women walking down the street. One of them was gigantic with silver hot pants on. You mean tall or fat or both? Big.

Like 400 pounds big. Like she had to make those hot pants at the house. Like three people had to. She didn't get those at no fucking Wendy's or fucking Kmart. Somebody made those at the house. You know, and you see. And I had nothing against anybody having a good time. but it was Monday fucking night

and these p and I mean listen in Austin Monday nights there's just one thing going on that's killed on me yeah it is fucking back down now you saw it I know Monday I went to dinner and then I went there I got there around nine and then afterward was when I was blown away what the bar looked like

you couldn't move you couldn't move you couldn't move and it's dark and the smoke in there it was fucking bucking there It was fucking buck wild. Nice. I left early.

I got the fuck out of there early because I had to be up early to go to ways too well. Tuesday I did a podcast with Christina Mariani. And that was great. I had a great time with her. She's on a different fucking planet. But I didn't do much. I did two nights of stand up. The first night I ate a tremendous bag of dicks, but it was great.

I could tell it like the eight-minute mark. There was no turning to set around. I had already buried myself just so bad up front that I couldn't get out of it. So do you just dig deeper? You like, fuck it, let's try new shit? You know me, dog, I went.

Yeah, but I wasn't getting them with... In fact, I got off and nobody was there. Like, that's... I was like, I'm just going to get off, nobody was there. But I went back Wednesday night, and I got enough for the night before and the night before. Yeah? Like, I just went off because I...

The jokes weren't like... I didn't put them on paper and thought... I just looked at the nobody. book and went to dinner. And that's never good. And I wanted to do the bucket show, but they were running late or whatever. So I just did the big show first, but boy, that was a bombing that was tremendous. I like how you like it now. I don't, it doesn't have been. I'm on to greener pastors. Like, I'll go on stage tomorrow night, and where I'm going tomorrow and there's a rough and thumble place. So I might bomb again, but guess what? I got two bombs out of the way. Now I'm home free

for like 10 sets. It's percentages. That's how I look at it. I may be wrong. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. You don't feel like you're going to like

get into a rhythm of bombing? You just feel like, no? Because I know the nucleus of bombing. There's a couple things that will make you bomb, not preparation, not taking two minutes

before you go up on your own. Now, listen, when you look at your material for like 10 minutes, your percentages go up there. You're not going to bomb, like 70% or something. So you always try to look through your material, maybe add some.

I did none of that that night. I did none of that that night. I went against the grain. I got down there. And like I said, I thought I'd warm up in the bucket show. And then the big room show is like stealing. I didn't get up in the bucket show.

And it was the slow death of fucking life. And how was Wased to Well? Waste to Well is always good. If you're feeling better? Yeah, they drew some blood They fucking stem cell on my lung I'll hit a little mouse in my lung no more Because for a couple days I can hear a mouse

Like a little whistle and shit When you smoke dope That means the emphysema's creeping up Jesus Christ I just fucking do a whack of that in the mask And I'm good man Nice It seems like you're having fun in Austin now

I have a lot of fun in Austin I really do I do what I can't do here I drink one night I went through the pool one day You know I'm moving down there Yeah

I'm getting a place I'm moving a red band's building Oh shit Start a residency once a month Of Joe's Okay And I'll go down there once a month And I don't have to be down there

Now I could stay the weekends Because Mercy's not playing the winter In the weekends What do you mean you're like The whole family's moving You're just gonna get like a second place No Oh okay

I'm gonna get a one bedroom apartment And Red bands building Okay They got everything there Red lights on a plunges, podcast offices, a conference room, two rooms to watch movies, a supermarket downstairs. An honor system. I'll rob that place at death. I don't think it's an honor system.

I think they got cameras. I'll spray paint the cameras before I get down. How often are you going to go? One week a month. Okay. Why not? It makes sense. I got to go.

But now here's the only question I have for you. And I get it. You're going to, like, one of the top clubs in the country and the world now. But, like, for you, you have to fly, like, why not drive an hour from New York, but you'll fly to, like, it just seems, it seems anti what I would know from Joe. Because I would be able to only do one set for that drive. Okay. It's like, why don't you go on the road back to back to places? You'd make more money because you wouldn't have to leave.

You know, you could just get it, but there's no more $10 hotels. Right. Okay. So I figured I'd go down there and if I could do four sets and two nights, I'm way out of the curve. On the way home, stop at Bryan's or something like that and do that. That's five sets. I'm way out of the curve. Nice.

And here, you know, if I could do two spots a week, and that's four hours. Right. I mean, to do two spots, I got to invest four hours of driving. Yeah, so I guess once you get down to Austin, it's really easy. And it's, yeah, okay, I see it. I'm used to the plane ride. I just download some shows on Netflix. Yeah?

I get super high. I take another one. I put my earphones on. And you don't have to rent a car because you can just walk everywhere. No, I have to rent a car. I ain't walking nowhere. That Uber, that motherfucker. Isn't it like two blocks?

No, because this is a little long, but I ain't walking those streets. Oh, okay. No? Oh, yeah, you'd probably get destroyed. No, I ain't walking those streets. So, yeah, it just makes sense for me. Plus, I get out of here, man. When are you going to do that?

Are you looking now? Yeah, that's it. August, I'm getting it. August? Maybe mid-September, start doing shows down there. Fuck. That's crazy. It's been a while since you've had an apartment.

I remember that apartment in North Hollywood. It's going to be, are you going to bring a cat? Are you going to get an animal for it? No. No? We're going to take care of it for three weeks, fucko. I don't know. I'm going to leave him that by himself.

No, I don't do that to animal. Yeah, every three weeks are coming high. The motherfucker's like, I've been here for a month by myself. Are you going to clean the place? Yeah, it comes with a cleaning lady. No, it doesn't. That's one of the amenities. Oh, shit, okay.

And if you want to come down and stay there, that's fine. You just got to play the cleaning lady before I get down there. I don't think you're going to let me stay in your bed. No, you can't. You don't let me shit in your bathroom and your guest bathroom. You're going to fall asleep on fudge and shit. Again, I can't have that. Oh, fuck yeah.

It just makes sense. Cool. I'm a little older. Listen, guys, you know what I do during the week. There's days, I don't even talk. the people unless it's you three fucking idiots. So you understand me? That's not healthy either.

Right. I got to walk around sore because I got to go to the gym. That ain't nobody by my house in the daytime. And the only way I can chat to people is if I go to the boxing gym. The gym I go that's just me and him. And then if I work out after the gym by my house, there's a couple people in there. But if I don't talk to those people, I'm stuck talking to a 56-year-old woman and a 13-year-old girl all day. Right. And that's fine. That's my family. That's fine. You guys are all an hour away.

It's like doing stand-up. I got to get back on the car and go up there to do a fucking thing. You know, I live in simplicity. It's good, but it's bad. Simplicity is the scam I had in California. Studio City down the hill, make it right. You're at the comedy store. Yeah. 15 minutes. You want Joe's pizza. I want to go to the weed store. It's right next to the cryotherapy place. I like that. I like having a little community right there. I'll bring my own weed down to Austin. I'll have to do shit. Allegedly, maybe.

The building has everything. The building has everything I need in the daytime. Yeah. And then at night I can go do a couple spots. Spot stop. Start there at 6 o'clock. Oh, yeah. You know, so that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

That's cool. I don't really have to see anybody. I don't have to hang with anybody. I thought you wanted to talk to people. But not, you know. Oh, okay. Got it. My sets are Thursdays at 7.

I always do my show Thursday early, so I could be back and I can fly back Friday morning. Okay. Nice. Yeah, you'll get really good, really fast. I don't need to get really good, really fast. I just need to get more consistency. It just needs to be more consistency.

It's not about 20 spots for me. It's just about being a little more. I can't live on four spots a month. No. And just go to the dojo. And I don't really want to go into the city and start that mess. So there's something I got to do that'll make me happy at the same time.

If I could go there and giggle a little bit, I like Brian Redband. Yeah, he's great. I've always liked Brian Redband. Always. I've had disagreements with him, but I know he loves me and I love the fuck out of him. I'm going to have him in the building. And you know who lives on top of him? Who?

Jamie. No way. So what tech problems am I going to have in that building? Okay, so that settles that right there. They're going to get a lot of calls about Rokos. Both throws motherfuckers on top of it. of me. So that handles all that.

If I want to play a game, I don't, if I want to fucking do a podcast downstairs in the fucking podcast room, that handles everything. Jamie doesn't go out of night. He sits there with his girlfriend. So he told me, if you move here, you got 24-7 fucking tech support. Perfect.

None of that Apple shit. You know, this is right upstairs, and they'll hop right downstairs. Wait until he gets a call at 6 in the morning. Yeah. I don't give a fuck. I know you don't. Now I just need a little excitement in my life.

Just not much. I'm not looking to do quailudes. I'm not looking to shoot heroin. I'm not looking to stay at the club until four in the morning. Just a different excitement in my life. The softball's great with my daughter and my wife on the weekends. I love spending time with them. But there's something missing.

There's just something missing. That place down there where I live, I love it, but it's too solitude for me. But even if I move up here, all you motherfuckers are embedded. that anyway. George's maybe 10.45. Everybody goes to bed early. There's nowhere I could go to Rudy's or something. I don't mind going to Rudy's that night,

but there's eight knuckleheads in there asking you creepy questions. I don't need that either. You know what I'm saying? That's awesome. Fuck, August. Okay. And the rent is not killing me. That's what I'm saying.

If the rent was like astronomical and I was forcing the hand, What do I need? A bed, some dishes, a pull-out couch, and a lot of blankets, because that fucking place is cold. When I was doing a podcast, I couldn't keep it together. I was trembling. Carly, breadbands wipe, they all have blankets on and socks and shit. Because that whole thing is cold. It's hot.

Yeah. But their air condition is five-star in that whole town. That's the most important thing. You go to a fucking restaurant. You're freezing. Any restaurant you go to, you got to bring a jacket down. that. Fuck yeah. That's just something differently. I just need to do a little different shit. Have you done like, because I almost did that before I came to New York, I almost did that with Simone.

So Steve was going to get a place and spend it like a week or so a month there. I was going to go there. And you, like, you can do the math. Like, already. Is L.A. or Austin? Yeah. And if you're like, I don't know what your rent's going to be, but let's just say it's two grand. Oh, that's like what? five, six nights in a hotel? Yeah. And you get a full month.

It's really... And you gotta eat out. And that kills you from. I could buy fruit now and eat it for breakfast. At least I know how to buy time now. I used to be a half to eat in the morning. I don't have to eat in the morning. I just need something to get me out of house with a little protein in it.

Maybe a couple vitamins, you know what I'm saying? I get, you're going to throw parties? I can't wait. I can't imagine you in an apartment. When was the last time you lived? alone. I'm prison. I'm not going to have any parties.

No, that's stupid. I don't want to. I don't like people in my house. Oh, my God. You know, so no. Are you nervous at all? No. I'm nervous about furnishing.

All that's having to buy ketchup all over again and mustard. Fucking silverware. And that shit's a fucking pain he has. but by that time I just talked to her today, she'll be down there, Amanda Merlo, and she goes, I got you. Oh, yeah, nice. She goes, I got you. So I'll just draw some cash and go.

Oh, you're not even going to go and, like, test out the furniture and look at it, and that's a, that. I'm going to look at it like you do. Go online. I like that couch right there, and then you put in your credit card and there's a deliberate to your house. Yeah. I can live with that way.

It's just, bro, I got. If I look at it on paper like a regular human being, I got 18 more months of stand-up comedy. But we all know that's a lie. It could either, if I hit the lottery, I'll quit tomorrow, like 80 million lows where they give you like 200 million flat. There's no reason to crack jokes. Yeah, are you playing the lottery, though?

I crack jokes where I walked. I just make portable comedy places. No, I don't play the lottery, but you know what I'm saying? If something happened obscured, yeah, but right now I'm looking at, Like right now, I can't think of me not going on stage once or twice a week. Yeah, I'll stab somebody. I'll stab somebody. For me, I can know how to do it.

It's easy. Like in Austin, it's easy. I get there at 7.15. I'm out of it by 8.30. I got two spots under my belt. Take a walk, go eat some dinner, go back to the house, smoke some pot, watch a movie. And then they got a whole second resurgence there. At 10 o'clock, you go out and do 30 other.

fucking room. Oh, I'm sure you could, if you wanted to, and this was way too much for you, but you could probably go from seven to midnight, four or five nights a week on that one street. I just realized what a Vulcan was last week for the first time. I've been going there for five years. I just saw the Vulcan by mistake. That's the Vulcan. That's all right there.

Yeah. It's the Vulcan. Joe's two doors down from Joe's. They do comedy. And then the next block is Brian. A little bit down more is Creek in the cave. Yeah. And there's a ton of more places.

What? There's more, that's even just that one strip. You got the fucking, where you're going to be next week. Cap City. You got helium is down there in time. They're down there too soon.

That's Cap City. That's Cap City. But then they have, they have like, and I've heard of like Antones. They have bar shows. Dude, there's a lot of, I'm very happy.

And I'm going to tell you something else. So nobody gets excited there. It has leveled down a little bit. What do you mean? Like the guys were telling me some of the places closed down. Of course. It just got too crazy. Places closed in New York all the time.

So it went up, it went up, up, blah, blah, bum, and now it's. But that's good, too. Like there were late shows that were light at Joe's, a couple nights. I was like, light, man. And they just said, it's the summer. The students are gone, you know, so it's a little bit on the quiet. That's why I said, I don't, I'm not in a rush. I could do September, October, November, December, maybe do something down there for New Year's or the 30th, something.

something, something different. I don't want to do New Year's, but I got all next year and I want to do, I want to go to Milwaukee. Nice. I already made a list of where I want to go. That's it. I'm going to keep this simple.

And that's why I like, I know you're not trying to like, you know, go back to five, six nights a week. But when I was saying you're going to get good, not that you're not good now, but it's, it's just like you said repetition. If you, if you're going on stage,

if you're this good, at four sets a month. Imagine what your stand-up's going to be like when you're doing 12, 15. Well, I read an article. I read an article like three days ago. That was fucking interesting. And it was like, and this is simple shit.

They take 10,000 steps a day. That's all bullshit. That was a pedometer company in Japan that started that. They tell you all these things. Like Joey, you know, whenever I train was, oh, you're at an age where you got to eat 150 grams or 200 grams of protein day. You know what that is?

That's a lot of food because an egg's got seven grams of protein. A can of tuna got seven grams of protein. So for me to eat 150 grams, that's two steaks, three eggs, and a steak for breakfast, lean chicken, you know, shit like that. I'm just throwing this egg. Okay. And they're trying to figure out how come guys in jail get yoked. They don't have up to the minute equipment.

there's no peptides. There's some steroids, but who can afford steroids in there? And they broke it down. And they said, these guys definitely don't get 150 to 200 grams of protein a day. Definitely when you're in prison.

Like, we had to eat ice cream, and I got to use protein powder. You bring protein powder in. But they ain't no blender. And in those days, there wasn't no shakers. You could just shake your drink. I had access to the kitchen. That's why I could use.

use the blender in the kitchen. So I was reading about why these guys, and they don't have heavy weights, and it's a lot of bodyweight exercise. And these guys get yoked. It's because the style that you're living, you have no job, you really have no stress, and you do get eight hours a night in the prison.

Believe it or not, you sleep the whole night, unless you're in the black side. They're yelling, scream all night like the savages, you know, yo, Toray. You're like, it's fucking one in the morning. they want to know about. Anyway, my point is that because you have all those things that are neutralized outside of that person.

Yeah, you can just focus. You grow more. You grow more. Your body doesn't have different things that it's exposed to make you not gain muscle. It's like the perfect fucking thing. And I was thinking of how that applies to comedy. Okay.

Okay, I remember there was a time I would do 10 sets a week, but between you and I, only four of them were worth the shit. So the other six sets were garbage. Were they really garbage? Were they really garbage? I still punched myself in. You know.

They served the purpose. They served the purpose. And that's what it is. If you can only do eight spots a week, but you can only do four spots a week, make them work. Do it with an intent. And like I said,

Dionne and I didn't look over my notes. I mean there's no intent. Even when I go do a bucket show, I still look at shit. because I want my mind registering on all, whatever. So maybe the eight sets, just like for me to go into the city every night and drive two hours a night and get stuck in traffic on the way back, it's the law diminishing returns.

Right. So I got to pick like two or three nights. And I don't want to do that either. Right. No, I mean, look at Ali Sadieke. I don't want to disrespect Houston, but I'm imagining it's not like a huge mecca of stand-up. I'm sure there are nights to get up, but he still lives there and is putting out, like,

he did something this last year that I couldn't even imagine someone recording two different hours on the same night. Like he had two different hour-long sets. That guy, like, but my point is that he's not, I can't imagine he's doing the amount of sets that you would do in Lowe. Or New York or Austin or, you know, it's, you can definitely do it. But it's also... But it's a process.

You have to write, bring that material up on stage. So all that shit needs to get condensed. And I'm willing to do that. I'm really good at that shit. I'm better at doing that than to say eight nights a week of stand. So for me, no matter what you do, it's doing it with an intent.

Whether you're a framer or a plumber, you know, you put a bit on a plumbing project. Can't go in there where you head up your ass. Every day fucking counts. You lose money. And once you're in the fucking red, you're just going to keep losing money on that job. It's the same thing.

So I figured out with comedy, listen to. And then again, you have to look at what you want. I'm not looking to shoot a special. I'm not looking to get out of any shows. I'm not looking for any of that shit. I want the Hollywood out of my stand-up. So it's just stand-up. Follow me?

All that shit's out of my fucking life. I don't have to deal with an agent's in the room. This guy's in the room and he books rooms. I don't give a fuck. It's going to sound like I'm being mean, but you're almost like an advanced open micer. Like you're like an open micer, but you're like, you know, the top level. Like, that's great. You don't, you have no, that's all like people at my level, that's all we talk about,

all we care about is like getting on this show, getting into this club. And it takes up so much time in your head. Just that mental space, all that mental space, all that mental. mental space, all that, you know, your mind capacity only has a little bit. You're trying to improve and stand up. And now I got to worry about the agent. I got to worry about, oh, you can't curse in this room. I got to worry about all that shit.

When you take it out of the fucking, when you take it out of the equation, it loosens the load up. I don't care if I'm woke. I don't care about what comes out of my mouth. I don't care if they cancel me at this point because they can't. There's just so many things that I don't worry about anymore. And it's made my life that much easy. But Joey, don't you want to do it? Like right now, they just hit me with an audition.

I'm going to put that audition on tape like I want to get fucking raped. You know what? I got a movie. I got two days. I'm good for it right now. I'm good. In the old days, I would have that eating at me. And run home and do it?

Eating at me, eating at me. Eating at me. So I wouldn't be focused here, and I'm not going to be focused on my stand-up set. I'm focused on whether or how I'm going to get this. But now I look at this and I go, what's it going to do for me? I wish I would have done those things. But towards the end, I was doing that already. Like, what is this going to do for me in the big equation here?

I get to meet some people, shoot something, blah, blah, blah, blah. But how much? It's a TV show on network. I can't even be me. So I wanted my stand-up to come to this level. Right. Where I had the balls to say like Lenny Clark did, and a lot of guys at one point in their lives,

well, I didn't do it. I'm not even comparing myself with those guys. But there's guys that just totally left L.A. When they were on top, like killing it, they just left. Bernie Mac, they moved to Chicago, and guess what? The opportunities got bigger because they left. Is it almost like because you leave, you've seen more like... I don't know.

It's an air of confidence or something. But listen, talking to Josh Wolf yesterday. You know, I'm on Instagram, so I see the lineups from different places. Okay. Especially Los Angeles. I know those places. Now, look at these lineups, and I'm not trying to be negative to anybody. What are they doing?

A lot of people left. No, no, no. What are they doing? I was doing stand-up with those same guys in 1997. seven. Now they're still there doing these bars with, and they're on a lineup that I wouldn't want to be on. You know what I'm saying? Like, I wouldn't want to be on that lineup. And you look at that and you go, I'm so happy just to remove myself from that because I would have been in the same rotation. What we got this week, Lee, I got a 7.30th at the end problem on Monday. Tuesday,

I got the laugh. At the end of the week, you're like, what the fuck did I do? It's the same shit over and over. And everybody gets excited about shows. It's on sunset, the flyer, and then you get there, there's 14 people. What I'm trying to say is that you eliminate that shit from your mind

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is it easier for you to do that because you have like a certain level of success? No. You think you could have done back then? I still remember when I was featured. Barely featuring. The club would call me for a feature act, and the same thing I would do.

I would say, let me call you back in two minutes. I can't hear. And I would go on their website. And if they had a comic that I didn't like, two of them, I wouldn't take the week, because I don't want my fucking face and name

on the same calendar as those kids of debts. I ratin, but in those days it was $5.50. And still, I could still steal $5.50. You know what I'm saying? So I looked at it that way. I just did not want to be in that rotation of names. Because at some point, like I told you, you have to start making these calls. And by you making these calls, that growth is definitely going to come because you shut down an avenue.

I'm not doing this guy's work no more. George and I were having a conversation about some dude that gives him work like twice a year. It's good work, but it takes too long to pay. Oh, yeah. You told me that. And you got to do this. I got to jump through hurdles. it's my fucking money.

So the job was one thing. The job was one thing. But now I've got to sit there for six weeks and wait for a check. So how much was the job really worked here? Yeah. Now I got Ajida. I don't need the fucking $600. But the fact that he still has my $600 for four months

and the corporation has to sit down and decide on when they write checks, that ain't for me no more. I ain't for me no more. I bring you a frame. you cut me, you give me six bills. That's it. But now I got to go through paperwork and I have to have the board approve it

and all this shit. I don't need that in my life. For the 600 bucks they're going to pay you? Forget it. I can do three gigs and get the money and all the process I'm putting into this one gig. That's fair. But it's, I don't know, I'm, I feel like I'm doing the opposite of what you're saying.

At different levels of your, listen, I didn't think like this still about, you want me to tell you when I started thinking like this when I got off Coke? And I remember who the fuck I was. Once I got off Coke, I was like, okay, now I got to play this game. Like when I was a kid, people who were open bars, quintessence, I made a promise. I'm never stepping foot in quintessence. I don't care how much coke there is. I don't care who's sucking dick.

It was for my personal growth. I'm not going now there. And I stuck to it. times in life, you're going to have a club that gives you work every fucking month. They give you MC, though. It's a good $400, but they don't want to promote you. They don't want to do nothing, but you've been waiting there because you think you're going to feature that.

Oh, he says going to co-feature me, you know, one of the chairs in the club, you know. One of the chairs. You go, what am I doing? And you cut off all communication with this person. Like, you're like, I don't need to go up there anymore. and watch what happens. Something will, because, again, the universe is always watching.

So this was just something, you promoted yourself. You promoted yourself. You gave yourself a raise. You said, this is what my value is, and this is what I'm worth. And if you're not going to give me that, I'm not walking.

Like in the old days, you know what? All right, I'll do it this time, not this time. And it burns your heart. When you get in that car, you're like, man, I can use that money. But I can't keep doing this with this person. He's got to pay me my fucking value. And just thinking that way, that rises you.

That mentality raises you sometimes. You're like, this is what I'm not doing no more. I'm not doing those gigs. When I met you, I'm not doing a dollar-day movies no more. Every other week, I was getting off for 11 days. 11 days, 11 hundred dollars, that's no money when you're actually. thing? No. No. And all of a sudden, guess what? After 11 months, I started getting offers on humane shit. Just shit that's humane. Right. I controlled the narrative. Not them. We were

talking about Portland last week. Uh-huh. And I told you this is all going to happen. Yeah. It's a dead week as it is. These club owners want to throw you in there just to see if by some cord, something happens and you pack the place out. But it's a fourth. to July weekend. Nobody wants to hear comedy on Fourth of July weekend. They want to eat hot dogs. They want to try them. They want to see the fireworks.

You know. Especially when they're free. So yeah, my weekend got moved to November, so I'll see you in there. But, you know, it's, and it's, it's tough. Because I want, I want to, dude, I like get hard thinking about telling a club owner no. Or, but that. Like you should have with that one. That would have been your first no.

Oh, a headlining weekend? No, but it's a headlining room in an oven. It's not the mainstay. He's going to give it you in the B room. Yeah, of course. No, I could sit at home for the 400. I could sit at home, bro. Really?

He said no? Yeah, I said no. I could sit at home. Oh. See, I'm not going to talk like that. That's 10 hours in the air out of your life. You're losing money on the plane ticket. It's a loser all of it.

way across and now they want to offer you 4th of July weekend for you to prove yourself you know what fuck you i come back in september and if you don't want to give it to me that's fine too because you were trying to cut my legs off by me doing the 4th of july you were going to make you can hire somebody local for that you can hire somebody out of seattle don't make a guy come five fucking hours it's five fucking hours that's 10 hours oh see that doesn't and it maybe it should maybe that's exactly what you're saying is that I should start looking at like that. But I'm even talking about you know, where I'm at, it would be

like some of the bar shows or maybe like a specific, like a promoter. Like I've never done a trouble run, but like maybe somewhere like a creepy guy like that. I don't answer it's called. But even that I did just tell, I just decided and it really sucked. It went nice. I don't have spots. There's this club

that I really like that is going through something. I told the new owner that I have to wait to go there until some weird stuff is not, like, they're not going through this thing anymore. Or the guy grabbing the girl's pussy? Yeah. So I was the club still getting heat over that? Yeah,

it's changing ownership and I love the place. They've been nothing but good to me. It's, uh, honestly, I feel like it's like part, like my home club in New York. but just the fact that because I saw what was what was happening and some and the fact that the fact that someone is still there acting like nothing ever happened acting you know and

I don't know it could be false I'm not who knows what actually happened but to have all that happening I didn't want I didn't want someone who has an opinion about it any sort of way because it's a big deal to affect me. So I told, so that it's changing ownership. I told it, and I love the kid who owns it and runs it, but that is something that I didn't.

And it, fuck it. I almost broke, I almost texted him a couple times when I didn't have spots because I wanted, you told him you don't want to do the club no more? I just told him I want to wait until, until the ownership changes. Um, and he got,

he totally, and you know, I was really scared to to talk to him about it. And he was like surprisingly, like I thought he was gonna be like, fuck you. I've put you up.

You're not doing shows with me even when it changes. Couldn't have been cooler, but he's like, I totally get it. It's a shitty situation. Love to have you back whenever things change. So like, oh shit, maybe it is.

And that, even in New York, I've been waiting for like, I don't know how people get past. Like all these, all you guys talk about getting past places. I thought like you were just sitting at the club one day. You did a spot and like the booker was like, now you're past or you have to do it or not. I'm sure that does happen occasionally.

But I like realize like four months ago, I'm like, oh, I should ask to get past places. And like some of them tell me like, you know, where we do auditions X amount times a year or whatever. But other places, I feel like, oh yeah, sure. Like, I've seen you. You're funny. and like I've been waiting for them to like like knight me almost.

Like that's what like getting past feels like. But it's like, oh, you have to. Let me ask you a question. You married your wife in December. Mm-hmm. After you got home after the wedding, was she any different to you? No. It's been the same, yeah.

Same thing goes for those comedy clubs. What do you mean? We get so excited about getting them one and nothing happens. Oh, getting past. Yeah, yeah. Like nothing happens. And then you do get passed and maybe nothing happens. But at least the way I feel about it is I,

it's crazy how quickly the time passes. I'm like, where was I last July 4th comedically? And I'm sure I could have done better or worked harder. I'm not saying I did everything I wanted to do. But I'm definitely not the same and I'm not less. I'm definitely funnier. I'm definitely doing more spots. I'm doing more in New York.

It's not at all as fast as I'd like it to be. Never is. But that's, yeah, I might get past and then do, like I think I have a spot. I just got past at this other place. I think I have a spot in like a week or two. It's like the one spot I have this month. But I feel like hopefully Nick next July 4th,

I'm doing one spot a night at a real club. I'd like to be doing two or three, but like just realistically, if I could average five during the week at just a club, like not a bar. I mean, we'll see. Hopefully it's more.

Hopefully, you know, I'm starting, after years of you telling me, I'm finally starting a show at a club, very excited. But it's just, I don't know, that's how I'm measuring myself

is where was I last year? Which is, no, no, that's how we all do it. And I do it a couple times a year. It's January 1st. like this last week and I had a long talk of myself. That's it. Six months have passed.

What the fuck are we doing? What the fuck are we doing? So now, since I got back, I've been kicking it up comedically and making more calls because it picks you up. And then I'll do it again in September. And then I get a wild bug up my ass and I'll do it again in November. You know?

But every year, you bait, you look at where you were the year before. And I want everybody to remember this. I did comedy for six years. before I moved to LA, which I think was fucking too short to move to LA. I always thought in my head, if I did move, it'd be like 10 years in. I got that the six year mark. And it took me, you know, a couple of years to get a movie, a couple years to get a TV show. It wasn't a lot of them, whatever, but at least I got something once a year.

And then we got the longest yard, and then, you know, my name is Earl. and I was looking at life through that. Like, I used to do co-stars. Now I'm doing guest stars or whatever the fuck. But at the same time, comedically, look, nothing happened for me. From 97 to Mercy was born, 2013. And I had done specials.

I had them on Apple. They never did nothing. I swung, you know. But nothing really happened. Well, the movies happened. Well, once the movies happen, at least something happened. So that slows your role. That gives you a little bit more confidence.

But stand-up-wise, I was always with shitty agents or, you know, theatrical agents, and I would have to train them and do all that shit, which I didn't mind. My point is that I waited while everybody else grew and got rich around me. How do you think that felt? Never mind getting spots. but when you're hanging out with Ralphie Mae and next thing he's in the house with a pound of weed on this fucking thing,

you guys used to have a hard time getting a 20. So I just, in my mind, not to say that I was a loser, but to buy into that, I said that I'm next on the conveyor belt. It's just a conveyor belt, man. We're just conveyor belts. And you're there for a while.

You move up a little on a conveyor belt. oh, he got a couple of movies, but stand-up was still going by. And on some point, I just happened to get on that conveyor belt. Then Ari started a storytelling show, and then everything came into more. But it was 14 years, guys. Even, yeah, 91 to 2012 until, now, here's the funny thing. But I could see if you just busted out in 2012. but I had a role in a couple of big movies.

I wasn't selling tickets. So I want people to understand that home, this is a fucking marathon. And, yeah, but Joey, that's easy for you to say, no, no, no, no, I ain't. Because this is a fucking marathon. And guess what? Shit's going to happen at the 25-year mark.

And shit's going to happen at the 30-year mark. And you're going to go, wow. But that first mark is very, very hard to you don't become a household name, but you're somebody that people know. Now people come up to you once a month and going, hey, aren't you a comedian? Yeah, yeah, I went to the store when I see you.

And it feels good, you know? Yeah, of course. But it's a slow process. And the more you rush it in your mind, it's going to hurt more. It's going to hurt more. Because you're going to go, I'm doing all this shit, but you're not doing all that shit.

You're doing this shit around you. you're not doing the main shit, which is writing and putting up material every fucking day and going out every night. Right now, I'm not a comic. I'm a part-time hobbyist. I go out once a week, twice if I'm lucky. When I was hungry and the fucking, you know,

I was in the green room last week with all these big names, and they're all talking, and I'm looking like Christina Mariani, still has a notebook, and she's still making notes before she goes on stage. I felt like saying, And hey, guys, remember when we used to do that? Yeah?

And this takes time, man. And if you do get something quick, it's not good for you. It's not good for you. Because I want you to see other people that you're on stage with every other night get big and see how they behave. See what their behavior is now. Because before all this shit can happen, you've got to be prepared for this. Because your world is going to change.

you're going to go from walking into a club and they're like, hey, how are you? To hey, when do you want to go up now? Do you want a water? Do you want a foot rub? I'm the same guy I was last year. That part sounds nice. Huh? That part sounds nice.

Do you understand when you put it by the 2008 mark? Well, I watched the desperation off me earlier than that. But by 2008, once I got off the Coke, I realized that it wasn't about. comedy, it wasn't about anything. It was about me developing as a man. And then the comedy would fall on top of that. And that's what I tell people all the time that before you're a comedian, you're a fucking man. So it's like two people, too many people get into comedy and people say things to them and they get lost in the shuffle. And now you just become a punching bag for the comedy community. You know, I see guys that are featuring for 20 years. They just became

punching bags, you know, and you leave this fucking plan of the Feature Act. So what you try to do is just know that it's going to take time and focus on what's going to get you there. You know, if I got a lion and take a picture for Atlantic City, is it going to really sell out? You know what I mean? Like, there's just so many fucking things that we try to do to accelerate the process, but it's just time. And it's by the time. And it's by the time you get on that compressor belt, how long to the top? How many people are going to drop off? Who's going to OD?

Who's going to die? Who's going to fucking get hit by a truck? All these things help you. That's fucked up. I can tell you, man, with me, it was a couple things that helped me. And one guy had to die. I'm not going to say who was. But that mother, when he died, I'm like, oh.

Thank God. I got on a conveyor belt. Oh, that's fucked up. I'm on the conveyor belt. it's true. But it's very true, my friend. Especially when you're, when you've been doing it for 14, I'm only in my, like, going into my 10th year, doing four more of feeling like you're not getting what everyone's getting. You know, we, it's, you weren't happy that he was dead, but it was like,

that was your second thought. Yeah, once he died, you know, I saw that he was dying or something. I'm like, oh, shit. My conveyor belt is opening without me having to push anybody off the belt. But all these little things, man, and it's just keeping it together until you get there. Once you have so much confidence in yourself, that you're like, I'm doing this type of shit, but nobody's watching. Good.

I'm happy they're not watching. Watch me now, you know? And it's focusing on that stuff. And that's why I think helped me out. But I look back now, I still remember, I used to get like, this ain't lying to anybody in this room I would get like $30 a quarter from Apple

when I had like live at the four aces and the other piece of shit album I did and then I remember going on Rogan and being at dinner like in December and I got a text from the Apple guy like he was friends of mine at the same time he's like hey man I'm sending out this amount for you the other day and it was like $900

and I almost died at the dinner table. I've had these albums up here. I've never done 30 a quarter. Four quarters, you get checks. That was the first, and I'm a being at dinner going, holy fuck, something's going on.

Somebody bought a lot of albums or they made a mistake. I couldn't even enjoy my dinner because I'm like, man, I'm going to get caught. Somebody did something fucked up. But it was, I didn't even know what I was doing, but I was doing it. Every time I'd go on rogue

and I talk shit, you get off the podcast, they look for your shit, and they buy it. So it takes a long time, man. And I'm happy. Everything worked out like it did with me. I'm really happy. Listen, I wish it would have happened in 2005. I mean, I'm the only guy didn't get anything along his yard.

Nothing. Nothing. Chris Rock got something. Lobo got something. The black dude that makes the tits go up and down. Got something. Everybody got something. Nick Latoura got something.

I didn't got nothing. So I knew something was coming down the pipe. I didn't know it was going to be this. I didn't know it was going to get to this extreme. But patience is not a virtue. It's everything in this type of shit. Nick's a politician, aspiring politician. You better stick a patience pill up his ass.

That's it. It's patience now. You believe in yourself. You do the best that you could do. But in those type of position, there's so many other circumstances that are going on. It's not like me being a baseball player. I know my job.

I got to hit 40 home runs. As long as I hit my 40 home runs, I'm fucking good. With politics, with stand up, I don't know what else is brewing. Right. You know, HBO might send you a fucking thing tomorrow. And go, Lee, we're doing a show on Jew comics. Young Jew comics, we saw you at the stand. You're perfect for it.

What do you do? You go home, call me. mom, hug the wife, pet the dog. You call me, you call Nick, you call George. And all of a sudden the names come out. You're like, I've never heard of these people again because you forgot LA. You forgot about the Jews in LA.

And those Jews are around those Jews more. So they're automatically going to put them on your show. Right. You know, it was a dirty show they did years ago. I was perfect for. I didn't even get a call. Oh, Montreal? No, it was for like an HBO show years ago.

50, you know what feelings being hurt is? That's when feelings are hurt. Montreal? No. It was like an HBO series. And they called me and they didn't call me. They called everybody. They even put people on that weren't dirty over me.

Oh, Jesus. How do you think I felt? I'm sure you're not going to blame it. But like when you were really big, do you think that's part of the reason why? Like when you're 400 pounds? About what? Like why people, why they might not have given you opportunities? Look at Ralph.

That's true. Fat is fat and funny is funny. Whether I look like a skeleton or I look like a human sloth. Funny is fucking funny, okay? Selling tickets and them accepting you has nothing to do with anything. That's what I'm saying to people. We mix all this shit up and our head and add more pressure. Me just being funny, if you just stick to that, how do I get funny?

I want to do a bit and do machine guns after every bit, and I want eight of those in a row. So eight times five is 40 minutes. Plus the little machine guns, that takes me 10 more minutes is 50 minutes. You know, when I watch John Mullaney, I wish I could write like him. And I get upset with myself, but I got shit that John Malaney don't have, and John has shit I don't have. And we built on those or we don't build. He's a great writer. I'm not a great writer like that.

I try. I try. So there's all things, but patience, whether you're selling houses and you're getting into it. You know, I love these people. I'm going to do this and my life's going to change. Good luck. I know a lot of people do the same thing and their life ain't changing. So good fucking luck to you.

It's, you know, the time that you make of it. But I don't, like, I let things go early on. Like in 2000, by 2001, I couldn't get jealous about other people. I just stopped worrying about other people. What somebody's going to do in their career and how long is going to take me,

two different. It might take you 20 minutes to get to the, to the, where's the place you used to live? Hoboken? No, the Stone Edge. It might take you 25 minutes to walk there. It might take me three hours. Well, the other side, it doesn't matter. You're still going to get there. It's, it's hard to, I don't know, I struggle with being patient. It's, you're fucking Jewel.

That doesn't know. You're neurotic. You have, that's why. why you need to be high 24 hours a day, like I told you for years, but again, my voices don't matter. It's not possible to be high 24 hours. 801, you're smoking right on the, right when you're talking to those podcast people. What are you doing? Nothing.

I'm swatting flies, you know what I'm saying? Because your neuroticism is going to take you down. Before you make the call, you already talk to yourself out of the move. When we're gambling, you lose $1.99, you refuse to go in your pocket and get five more. You're done. You're defeated. I'm gonna roast be sandwich and come back. Who gives a fuck?

Yeah. You love to gamble. You know what they're doing. I can't take the same attitude because I don't know what they're doing. I'm looking at you. I'm looking at you and Nick and everybody around. You're so good with numbers and in the blackjack table. You look at them like you don't know what you're looking at.

I don't know what I'm looking at. Everybody has these rules. If the dealer has fucking this card, you can't go bet against the deal. I ain't got no time for me because I know in the back. in my head, it's just luck. It's just me being at the right place at the right time. What if I would have put $5 on that thing that rotates? Remember that thing that kept rotating?

Well, we're playing blackjack. If you get 21 or 11 and I've got $80,000. Yeah, that's great. Meanwhile, sorry about that. Excuse me. I came out of the wrong place. I think it might be, what was the right place? I came out of this side.

It came out of that side of a little bit. Oh, my God. Yeah, I mean, it's like, and guys, if I was here when I was 25, all you motherfuckers know I'd be lying to you. All of you's. But I put it together by the time I was like 40, 43, I'm like, this is a marathon. And I ain't got nowhere to go.

I got till I'm 65 to do something. And Rodney Dangerfield made it when he was old. We got something. at least I had like an inspiration that could be done. I didn't know what's going to happen. I just kept telling myself that as I was losing more and more every year, I'm like, well, I'll make a comeback when I'm 60. It don't happen that way, but it did.

Yeah, and I'm very grateful it did. It's not even a comeback, you're still going. And I'm grateful it did, but at the same time, there was a point where I just knew. It's just a matter of time. I'm doing all the right things. I'm booking little TV shows. I'm taking an acting class from time to time.

I'm opening for Joe. I'm doing my own headlining. I'm doing spots at the store. So eventually all that, you know, well, if you exercise, you're going to live to your 95. That's great. But you're not. It's getting sunlight.

Low stress. You know, eating right. Eight hours a night. There's just so many fucking variables. And not just for that. It's for anything that we attempt to do. So if you want to get bigger, you have to do all that shit.

continuously, you know, whatever you call that word, continuously, no. Anyway, doesn't fucking matter. But that, everybody thinks it's one thing. It's not one thing. It's all the things you're doing alongside there. Listen, I'm a professional basketball player for the Celtics. I just don't shoot hoops all fucking day. I lift weights.

I got to run eight miles a day for my conditioning. I got to lift weights. I got to do a specific thing. because in college I tore my elbow, so I got to go still to PT from my shooting. It's a thousand things. You know, everybody hates on him. LeBron doesn't just shoot hoops all day.

He's lifting weights. He's shooting steroids. He's doing... And this is years ago, but he was spending like a million a year on himself. Yeah. That's his investment. So how can we invest as comics?

What can we do? Get a coach? Some bum comedy coach. You know, the guys that try to be comedy coach I've never done or anything. Everyone knows that. What would you do? Oh, but the fucking guys who didn't, don't know how to coach.

Like, I wouldn't be a good coach because I want you to approach it a certain style. And if you do, I lose interest. But I would be a good coach. But it's not something I want to do. I honestly think that's only in stand-up, I would say this. Because I hope I'm doing it in 30 years. So anyone who would like, you'd like to coach you, It's like, I know I'm too busy.

I'm touring. On the other side of this, even though I just told you, I had to like 65, if you think I thought that I was going to be doing stand-up after 50, you got rocks in your fucking head. I didn't even see myself old doing stand-up. I'm like, by that time I'll be dead or an OD or something like that. So that wasn't a stand-up issue. You just thought you were going to be dead.

Yeah, so I was positive about some things. It's not positive. But very negative about others. He thought you'd be dead by family Oh Jesus Christ At what age did he think that About what? Were you like 33 and you're like

I'll be dead by 50? Well I always thought I was going to die when I'm 37 And Y2K came and I didn't die that morning Even though I didn't do coke that night I gave it a couple days I'll be dead but I didn't die So I'm like I'm about to start thinking about my 40s now That's a crazy thought that's a fucked up thought to have But man

All this shit whether you join the service no matter what you do, it's going to take time. Because if I just give it to you, think about that. You just got on a show after two years, killed. Are you good, though?

Well? Like, I don't know. Like, that, I understand what you're saying, but, like, what if, and, like, just, like, Cam comes to mind, how he's just killing, and I don't know. Who?

Camp Patterson. Okay. I saw him down there. And he's not, he's more than two years in, But he's young, and he's in like five or six, but like, he's one guy, and I'm a jealous person. When I saw him the first time, I was like, okay, yeah, I don't, not that I'm not going to be that good, but I'm like, he deserves what he is doing. Like, I don't know, like him. If you.

Camp Patterson has a lot of qualities. Yeah. He's good looking. He's like him. He's got a great smile. He's funny. He's vibrant. He's energetic.

Right? Let's just start with those six. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, first time I saw Stan, he's got him. but Seattle, I wanted to quit too. Because in my mind, you'll never be that good. Right.

But then after you think about it and go home and think about it and go, wow, I don't have Camp Patterson's smile. I don't have his electricity. But I have two other things that he might have. So I'll work on those. That's looking at yourself in a positive matter. That's why I said you cannot base your career off anybody else, because it'll drive you crazy.

Right. It'll drive you crazy. And this guy did it for two weeks. and he got on NBC and you're like eight years they haven't even talked to you. So how do you think you feel? And that's a lot of people. That's me too.

And at one point it bothers you so much you have to let it go. I can't continue to walk around thinking this way because it's just kind of... Right. It's a waste of fucking attitude, you know? But you think that in most cases getting it early is not great

and it's worth it to wait. I saw a lot of people who came too early and they had to stop what they were doing and go back and do the work. I don't ever want to stop what I'm doing to go back and do the work. When I show up to the dance, it's because I'm prepared.

So I want you to think of it like that. If you don't feel prepared, don't show up to the dance. Nothing wrong with that. Everybody gets a sore throat from time to time. Okay. It's tough to know when you're prepared and when you're not.

You're always preparing. Right, because you're always, I always bust your balls with. What's the word I always use? In training. Yeah. We are always in training. Always.

Always. Always, always, always. We're always training. Smoking dope, eating pussy, writing jokes early, drinking freshly squeezed orange juice. This is it. The more good things you do, look, I quit Coke for eight years.

you know, it finally clicked. I told you that. From 2004 to 2007, I was quitting every time I got, I. But it finally clicked. It just clicked one time. One time it stuck to it, you know? You put fucking glue on your flat tie

because you're broke. And fucking, you do it ten times. Every two days, it pops again, a seal, whatever fuck. This one time you sealed it right. You used a Mexican to seal it. You bent to fucking Jupiter and back eight times That tie hasn't popped. What?

What are you laughing about? I don't know. And that's it. It's just patience. Nobody's going to sell you that when you're in the 20s and your 30s because they couldn't sell it to me. But once you get beat up so much, people say, oh, well, he's a wise person.

You don't become wise by not making mistakes. you become wise by making a lot of fucking mistakes and going, I ain't making that because that one leads to that one. You follow me? Like today, Bojangles open in my neighborhood. I hate all that shit. You hate chicken?

I hate anything fast food with chicken because I know the chickens are getting kicked. They're not the chickens you get at home. What's the kosher company you said before? Empire. Great. Those chickens, they don't sell those that fucking Bojangles. No.

And then I got to eat biscuits in there and shell. I'll eat biscuits. And then somebody like George will put honey on it in front of me to really get my blood pressure going. They give you the honey, though. Because we're from Jersey. We don't put honey on our fucking buns like faggots. A little butter. A little honey, butter is good.

Honey, save it for fucking, you know, Red Bank. When you go to Red Bank with your friends or Asbury Park, you can put, I don't even like jelly on people's shit. Like my daughter and my wife eat jelly. I want to smash them both in the head. Every time. And my wife makes that shit in Tennessee. Those preserves. Yeah?

Every day. For years, I was throwing them out. Just throwing them out. She would make them, I just draw them out. She didn't even tell me, anybody, you know what's going on? Now I give them, like, a two weeks and I just throw it out. Why do you hate it? I see mercy eating it.

I throw it out. I know what I'm bringing you in Austin. This is a Jersey, motherfucker. We don't eat fucking preserves in Jersey, all right? You want to eat jelly? I'm going to see cream cheese on that bitch. If not, you're wasting my time and everybody else's time.

My wife, I take it to a diner, she puts fucking jelly on the toast. Ask her, she goes to eat breakfast with me no more. And I can't be that much. I go solo now to the diner. Ask me. Ask her. Get putting jelly on that toast. I ain't gonna fly, dog. Why?

There's a Jersey diner. Were you eating it? No, I don't touch it. So what? I don't even look at you if you put jelly on your toast. Why? Because you're a fucking faggit. That's why.

I understand blue cheese with wings. I understand. No, you don't. A lot of people don't understand anything. This is Jersey. You want to move to California and put jelly. You're like really angry. Put jelly on your fucking seven grain toast.

I love seven grain toast. And I love jelly, but I ain't put jelly on my seven grain toast in Jersey. You want to do that in New Mexico or Santa Fe or white. people are very nice or you got those Jewish Gentiles, the ones of the Jews, but every time the Jews do something bad, they don't commit, you know, those Jewy Gentiles. No, I don't fuck with that. But I don't like that shit. My wife always tries to do that shit to me. I just stopped taking other breakfast. That's it. No more breakfast. You want to eat jelly? Eat at home. You think I'm fucking kidding? Ask her. I love it. Asked one the last time she went

for steak and eggs of me at that diner. No more. Does she know she's banned? I banned it personally. I ate 60 from the Jew deli and I 86th her from Manalapan diner. I can't believe this many years in. I'm still finding new rules about jelly. I had to stop taking my wife there lunch.

When I go on a restaurant, my gentleman, I already know what I want. You look at the menu as a courtesy to act like a civilian, to act like a normal human being, but I really know what I want. So when you. you tell that waitress, the bar is packed, and you, with your stupidity, tell that waitress to come back, you haven't made up your mind yet. I don't know if you know this, you have a knife coming through your heads from me.

Wait, you want people to have the order ready to go before they get there? Right when we walk in, why play games? You already know what you want. Hi. There's no eye. There's hunger. There's no high. That's the problem in America.

Everybody wants to talk too much. There's no eye. I already know I want the green pea soup and I really know I want the muscles. The special is the special. I'll eat that later. I'll look at that later. But right now, we got to open up with this.

I ain't got time to think or go back to that table and come back because now she's going to go to that table and the whole tray of glass going to fall down. Now you're sitting there 20 extra minutes because you didn't know what you wanted. And I got to suffer. So as soon as I see you with that shit, that's the last time you're going to lunch with me.

you already know you're going to that restaurant. I don't care if I'm driving and you're looking at the phone to see what the menu is there. But I'm not going there because I'm a fucking, I'm not going there because I'm a casual dude. I'm going there because I know what the fuck they want and I know what they got and I know what I want. There ain't no two ways. And every minute. So how long, like let's say we go to a place that we didn't know we were going, we just ended up there. How long do I have with the menu?

A second. By the time she's giving up the water, you're already, you ever throw them off? Are we going to drop the water and let you decide? There's nothing to the side. Oh, yeah, I love that. I'm going to keep you right here because one of these motherfuckers at the table knows what he wants. So us three better get it together by the time they come to us. So chop, chop, bitch.

Because I ain't waiting next to 20 minutes because you want to order an appetizer and come back later. Oh, fuck your mother. I'm going in there with an intention. I'm going in there with an intention. I suggest you go in there with one else. If you're going to sit there with a menu, what's in this? Listen, we ain't got time for it.

Not today. You want a recipe? Go watch fucking May, whatever, Bobby Flee. There's no recipes here. Do you split dishes with people? Like, I'll have half of yours. You have half of mine? Not really.

Not really. Then they shoot that guy in the head for putting this fork and fill your tartos fucking spaghetti? What? In the show? Big in disrespect. I'll ask you, or you'll say to me, Joe, I don't want this.

Do you want to take it? For me to reach over and take your sausage? No, yeah. I'd rather spit your food. I'm not funny. Yeah, what's all this? That's a dry, that's why I stopped those big dinners and all that shit.

Because it's too much. People got to decide and think. Ain't nothing to think about. Is that what you like steak? Because, like, there's not too many choices. You're like, I want steak. Get a steak. Always, always takes care of everything.

a steak or a lobster tail, right? Tricky, you could want anything in the world, somebody goes, I got a nice steam steak, I'm going to drip some butter, bring it over. I need peck a little, you and he chow-chow with that, whatever the fuck. But this shit is going to a restaurant and becoming confucius and thinking.

In the middle of the order, this knucklehead says, hey, what did you get? Chicken caught in blue? You know who makes really chicken caught and blue? Now that waitress is even more mad. Because Knucklehead had to say where it was better, which it really is. And she has to smile. He just has to say it.

And he doesn't. Instead of just ordering. Just ordering keeping his mouth shut. Keep your mouth shut, order the meal. Don't worry about nothing. Do you ever ask the server for like their opinion on a food? Not really. Look at the server.

Yeah, but they work there. Yeah, but they don't know. They've been eating TV dinners all that life. And now they eat a fucking pork roll. losing their mind. It's like going to the weed store and asking one of those hemophiliacs. What's the weed of the day? Oh my God. I don't know. Get the fuck.

I want the guy that's all fucked up that lost his wife. He's smoking the real shit. Not that good looking faggot in the corner. He ain't smoking nothing. And how how do you handle like people who make modifications? Like can I have this? But can I have it with the

sauce from this thing? Or can I have it with steak instead of this? Look at me next time. I'm just searing. I'm just Just have it how it comes. Like the way it comes in prison, the way it comes in prison is the way it is every day, all right? That's why women who complain,

they don't go to eat either. Well, I really, I like it darker. Listen, then you shouldn't have come here to me. You shouldn't have come here. I'm not here for you. Your dumb husband brought you. I'm not here for you. I don't give a fuck if you eat poison.

Me, I really know what I'm eating. I walked in here with an, attention already. I already know. Why waste time? I ain't got time for that shit. Clicking glasses and salute. Go suck your mother's asshole. I don't want to salute you if you're fucking paid me, all right? Do servers ever come to you with like the first glass of wine and have you like tasted and prove it? First of all, I don't drink wine. Never. No, not in a restaurant like a fag. A $400 of bottle to make believe I'm cool and you have to smell it. and all that shit.

Give me a fucking break. Meanwhile, her and him was sucking dick at White Castle a month ago. You didn't do that with the sperm, did you?

You didn't sniff it with that sperm. So all that shit don't fly with me. I walk into a cigar shop and tell him, what's the best cigar? Then I make a correlation,

20 bucks. Give it to me. If you think I'm going to sit there, oh, the rapper is nutty. What are you talking about? What are you, a cigar fucking

go upstairs before I smack. you all these fucking idiots they buy and white people love it white people will buy right you know they love that to impress you know I can't it's dude I wanted to get lamb remember we went to a steakhouse

and they had lamb and Becky and I wanted to split lamb but there's no lamb that night there was lamb there was no lamb because I was there because I'm enjoying my dinner and I'm going to smell your stinky fucking lamb from wherever country that comes from I don't want to lamb it's American lamb that's great

You eat it next time you're jumping up and down in the village, whoever the fuck you go for dinner. Wham. You're delicious. It delicious. Yeah. I am brutal. And George will tell you, since the young age, I knew I was brutal.

So I do things by myself. I don't mind going to movie theater by myself. Oh, that's great. Because I don't have to hear, it's cold in here. I don't want to hear that. Oh, my God, these guys are talking. I don't want to hear none of that shit. You came to a movie today, and I got to pull,

and women especially, I had blown so many dates in my life just by them saying a couple lines, listen, we got to go home. I'll make up some reason. When I was in Boulder, I'm not doing it. I'm just not going for it.

I am comfortable being by myself. So I don't give a fuck if this, you know, go for Chinese restaurants and they order something weird. Not at my Chinese restaurant, motherfucker. That's my go-to. It's like my, wife with the bagel place.

You can't cause no scenes in here. I'll stab me in the neck. You understand me? This is my bagel place. You cannot come in here and manipulate people, shut your mouth, order what's on the menu, and don't worry about what's on the calendar. It's got nothing to do with you.

What would happen if you got banned from your bagel place? I go to another one. There's not three other ones up there, but I like the pale juice. Because they keep it simple. Egg, egg and cheese, fucking

Egg tuna, egg salad, tuna, or white fish on a bagel. That's a beautiful place for a guy like me. Quick easy. First of all, he won't say, you know who's got good white fish? You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't have to hear that shit on the line to make me feel worse than I already fucking feel. I don't know. Hey, Uncle Joey here, all right?

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I got it off my chest. I feel good. Jelly is such a specific. Did something happen with jelly? I just, this is Jersey. What does that mean? This is Jersey. You want to use jelly, cream cheese.

If not, no peanut butter either. Peanut butter goes with jelly. That's another disinformation. Peanut butter goes with jelly. You don't like just a plain peanut butter toast? Fuck no. Put some jelly on that bitch.

Does it make sense to you? Or do you know it's just like a crazy rule? I have crazy rule. rules. I love them. Because it keeps me saying, it keeps me honest, and it keeps the drama away. Sounds like you're adding drama. My what? You hate jelly.

No, I eliminate the whole chit-chat of the process. Too much chit-chat and order a meal. That's it. When you go to prison, you don't even order a meal. You put your trade down and they give you what you got. Same difference. All of a sudden, you want to add, well, does the feel, is it lightly salted? Does it come from New Zealand? Who gives a fuck?

Who gives a fuck? Again, you're throwing questions to be cool. Don't hit me with that shit. Do that with your wife friends. Don't do that here. Just eat what's on the menu. They got steak. They got prime rib.

They got lobster. You couldn't keep it at. You want to be a fucking idiot and order something completely out of realm to make me feel bad. Like, I don't know what I mean. Oh, you didn't try the S-car go. Listen, go fuck yourself.

Okay? You know, I don't need it. I'm 63. If I knew I wanted that, I would order it. years ago. Wait a thing. You just wake up when you're 60 and go, today's the day, I'm going to eat broccoli. No, you're not. If you haven't eaten it before, you're not going to eat it now. So what makes you think any of that shit's going to change? It doesn't. Why do we add so much drama to all those aspects I told you about?

Driving two hours for a piece of pizza. We just add drama to our lives. This is New Jersey. This ain't California. You don't need. to drive to these places to tell your fucking goofy friends. I went all the way up there to get a piece of pizza because you're retarded. You know how much things I could have done in three hours? What else are you going to do? Anything. Anything is better than being a fucking suckass.

There's pizza right in North Bergen. By my house, I got two or three pizza places. I'm going to drive three hours looking for pizza. I got that little kind of life. Yeah, looking for it. You know where you're going to know where it is. Yeah, I got good pizza in my block. I got to be cool to go, oh, you got to go to Danangeloos.

You know, the weird of the name, the more, you know, empty barrels make the most noise. So give that pizza like an Italian name and these suckers go for Delangelo's. Oh, you got to go down there. It's about 30 minutes away. The guy is great. Listen, the pizza with my house is just as good. I don't have to play. I don't have to know the owner.

I need to know nothing about them. Just give me two slices and a piece of fucking Coke. I don't want to know the history of your pizza. place or, you know, what water you use? Have you heard of the new one in New York series? Yeah, yeah, all the time. My friends talk about it all the time. Because I hang out with

little faggots. What's this one about? It's run by like two Michelin Star chefs, but the pizzas are like 50, 60 bucks. Oh my God, okay. So it's, and you have to like wait, I haven't done it. You have to like wait in line as it opens, but it's supposed to be fantastic. Roma pizza.

I'll take a Roma over there, they won't know what to do. All these white kids, they know, huh, yeah. Do you have wine? All that shit. That's all part of the pacification of America plan. Oh, that is.

Really? $60 for a pizza pie. Yeah. That's supposed to be. That pizza we have Friday night. Bro, Friday night, it was, even I went nuts.

I had, like, three or four slices. And we ate fucking edibles. I was making these guys smoke 53% weed. We were fucked up, Jack. Cleaned the pipe out. We ate some taffees. We had some fucking werewolves. We tore up two pieces, Cuban steak sandwiches.

Nice. Fucking tore shit up that night. How many edibles? Oh, it was endless. I woke up the next day. I smelled like something out of a fucking weed place. Edibles, fucking. weed, I did something else.

I didn't crack up with those mushrooms, but I ended up doing something else that night. I had like one of those fucking pain killers. The morphine had a 15 milligram morphine pill. I was ready to bite a motherfucker in the neck. You know what I'm saying? Happy Fourth of July. Happy Fourth of July to you, man.

Where are you at this week? Baltimore. I'm Thursday night. I'm at the Port Comedy Club in Baltimore. It's been great. Tickets are under $20. Very excited. Well, I just did it.

The club's great. What? I said I just did it in the Port Comedy Club. Well, that's where you're at. What night? Thursday night. What about Friday and Saturday? Wednesday night.

I have a show in the city here. Friday I'm doing Don't Tell in Virginia. And then... You're going to go over to Virginia? I'm already going to be in Maryland. Okay. All right. So I'm headlining.

Don't tell. What about Sunday? You back at the club where they grab women's pussies? Well, no. Saturday. Hopefully we have our friend's wedding. Come on. Yeah.

And then you're a friend too. Who? Pedro. Oh, that's right. Saturday night. So, yeah. So we'll drive back from that and try to make it to his wedding. That's the plan.

And I have shows coming up in New York, St. Mark's July 30th. It's going to be a bucket show. I don't worry about July 30th. Right now, let's do this this week. Where are you at this week? I told you. So I'm at, on Wednesday night, I'm at Jake's Dilemma,

Thursday night, the Port in Baltimore, Friday. I'll be in Virginia. And that's a Friday for this week. So June 30th. July 30th is your own personal show. At St. It's going to be a bucket show. Great show.

It's going to be a lot of fun. I like St. Mark's a lot. And then... What times the show at? 8.30. Where they get tickets. They get tickets at St. Mark's Comedy Club.com. Me, I got nothing.

I got the Brooklyn Improv Wednesday night, which is tomorrow night. If you live in the area, stop by, tickets are cheap, and it's a 7 o'clock show. That means you're out in the city at 9.30 getting your dick sucked. So I don't know what else to tell you.

You don't want to tell them about Atlantic City? That's the 7th and 8th. They already know about it. Okay. Now they've got to act, you know what I'm saying? But nobody knows what they're going to do until the week of. I don't blame him. Gotcha.

If they come, they come. If they don't, what are you on from me? We'll try to get harder. You good? Great. We're all good. Have a great week. Happy belated 4th of July.

And we'll be back next Tuesday. Tip Top Magoo.