The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - It's all in the image

Episode Date: June 24, 2025

You'll have to listen to find out! Support the show and get 15% off of Bioma with code CHURCH at ⁠https://www.bioma.health/probiotics-men⁠  Support the show and get 20% off your Lucy order. Use code CHURCH at ⁠https://www.lucy.co/CHURCH  ⁠ Support the show and get 30% off your first Cornbread Hemp order. Use code CHURCH at ⁠https://www.cornbreadhemp.com/CHURCH⁠   Produced by: Andrew Houston & Joe Russo @andyfromontario @joerussomarketing on Instagram

What's happening, beautiful people? It's Tuesday, the 24th of June. It's a beautiful day to be alive. The Church New Testament is in session, Jack. Let's get this party started. What's happening? Uncle Joey here. Listen, your gut is the cornerstone of your health.

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Here we are for another fantastic Tuesday podcast. You got my main man, Lee Syatt. We're going to bring a guest, but you motherfuckers don't like them. Fuck the guest. It's just us talking shit to world events. What happened last week and what's going to happen next week? What's up, Negro? I'm happy to be.

It's a dude. I don't, you don't sweat that much. which is crazy as a big dude. You don't seem like you sweat that much. I don't try to go outside too much. I don't try to put myself in a bad position. You sweat when you go to the gym. That's it.

Oh, my God. I don't know how even... You walk into a store in the city and they don't have air conditioning on. No, nobody's got air conditioning on. Fuck that. Are you serious? They're saving. Prices went up on electric.

That's it. You got to pass the savings down for the consumer. I bought... Nobody's got air conditioning in him. I know for a fact. you're going to make fun of me, but I don't care. I bought these little fan that he put around your neck. So I can walk around with it.

You're going to get mugged with a shot over that. If they mug me for the fan, I bought two fans so I can have one in the backup in case the other one dies. That fucking fan away. Never. I brought one here. That's a little white one? No, there's a little black one. George brought the little one.

I brought one that you hook into your pants and it goes up your shirt, but the problem is I'm too fat. So I can't putting something in your belt loop when you're. your fat is not going to work. Dude, I love fans. I don't know how people do it. If you, like, I always think about Florida. If I lived in Florida and didn't have air conditioning, I'd kill myself. Who would not have that condition of Florida?

There's plenty of people. Only a homeless person. Oh, even that. I'd rather be homeless because at least you're outside with some breeze. So, like, a lot of these homes, a lot of people don't have air conditioning. Come on, man. A lot of people, I know there's a lot of people that open the, windows up and go, oh my God, you don't need air conditioning.

Well, go fuck yourself. I ain't coming over. You need air conditioner. There's some times in the summer where you need fucking neck. I don't like being uncomfortable. No. And that's what heat makes you uncomfortable. Like something ain't right.

You're sitting there, you know, baseball games in July. Fuck you. Fuck you. August in the heat of fucking August. Sit there and get burnt by the sun. That's not for me, man. You make all those mistakes. And then you go, that's it's not for me.

I don't want to sit out there. It's like going to a jet game in November. It's not bad enough they're going to lose, but then I got to freeze my ass off. I know. The other day, one of Florentine brothers. Fucking June. This motherfucker has already got tickets for December 13th,

Miami against the Jets. Are you going? Not at all. Look at the date. Look at the fucking date. There's no way I'm going there. And I'm not sitting in the stands at a fucking jet or a fucking giant or whatever game.

I got to sit somewhere where I'm not going to be bothered. If not, it's going to be a fucking nightmare. So, dude, do you remember? I remember when I was a kid, I went to where the Patriots play and they had, like, the bleachers used to be just like metal benches, like long metal benches. Those in the summer, fuck you. And I don't know, because we have a lot of chubby listeners. So, like, I know they get it.

But, like, I hate, like, whenever a skinny person tells me that they're fine, that's, I piss it. Like, that's why I, you know what I don't really get angry that much. That's when I get fucking angry. What did you do last weekend? Anything good? You did some comedy? I did a little comedy in mass.

I had to go home. My mom had to do something medical with her. How's she doing? Great. She's doing much better. But it made me think about you when you were in the hospital earlier this year. Just like it's amazing. Like the people like I'm down on people a little bit.

But the people like doctors and nurses are like heroes. I don't know how it was it's so cool to see like just to see like actual good people. It was a scary week. Everything is fine, thank God. But it was just, you know, when you gotta go through tests and she ended up having to spend the night. But it was a real good experience. You know, I was getting the set list ready.

And I was just writing shit down, you know, like for Thursday and Friday, I want to throw up there. And I threw up the hospital. You know, I threw some hospital joke. Right. And I was like, you know, fucking that was a long time ago

I know March April May June that was four months well George sit down please sit down sit on you're making me nervous and you were like

like you said every once a month for a week and it was like you weren't even really feeling better when you got out of the hospital no I was feeling good enough to go home but not and I thought I would get better over the days, but it was fucked up when I look at it. Fucked up when I think about it.

Fucked up what happened. And it happens in life. I can't get angry. No. It could have been a lot worse. I could have been in the hospital for three months. Thank God it was just, you know, 14, 15 days divided by three fucking months. And I made the best of it.

I mean, in my mind, I went in there and I was having a good time. I was eating cereal. I was fucking staying up late. drinking fucking fresh orange juice at night, you know, having a good time. But it got old on me and it weighed on me. It's like my ears weighing on me. This has been since last fucking October. And they're still not, you know, so now, thank God, I got one of the girls on my daughter's

softball team, he's a plastic surgeon. And he asked me, what's one were you fucking ear? And I showed him, he goes, why didn't they do this, this, this, and this? I don't know. I don't fucking know. you know and he's like all right come in to see me next week I'm gonna do all this shit and then I want you to he goes I'm gonna be working at the hospital

and I want you to come into emergency room and I'm gonna take care of you there with fucking with a different insurance I mean the guys are you know they're rushing that's the only way to do it they want is like you have to know somebody you have to know somebody and you know I'm happy that I feel a lot better now I have worked very fucking hard since April I mean

Since I got out of the hospital, I wrote some shit down. I made my decisions about some stuff. And I have stuck very tight to that plan, you know, like just to the teeth. Like I've hit the goals every week that I want to, food-wise, weight-wise, workout-wise, you know. So you only could wish for the best. You can, but it's also like as you get older, it's going to happen no matter what you do. Listen, we were having to talk before the podcast, thought about stand-up. how you get frustrated with stand-up.

You know when you get frustrated? When you pop your head up, like, what comes out on February 3rd? What's that animal that comes out? Oh, the ground hog, yeah? The ground hard. The only time you get depressed in comedies when you pop your head up to look around.

Think about that. When your head is under that, when you're barreling through a tunnel, you're not depressed because you're working. You're making the best of it, okay? You put your head down. When you have a situation in your life, whether it's stand-up, health, whatever,

you put your head down and go, this is what this is what needs to be done, you know. I can't stay up until 2 in the morning watching a movie. I already watch eight times. Right. That's what I do. That's what I do. That's all I do. I'll wait till 11 and then something's coming on at midnight. I go, oh shit, midnight. So now I'll go upstairs, drink coffee,

smoke 18 bongheads, and wait for midnight to come. Then I'm up until 2. Watching a movie, I've seen 80 fucking times already. Right. And I stopped all that shit. Like George and I were talking this morning. I went to bed at 10 last night. I had like eight miss calls last night from like 10.30 to 1254. People calling me last night.

And I'm like, wow. I went upstairs at 10 to fucking 10. And you actually go to sleep? Went to sleep. Grab the cat. My wife even goes, where are you going? I'm going up. If you want to come, you're more than welcome.

I'll see you in the morning. Because nobody has to get up this week. There's no 6.30 and a minute. morning there's shit there's no camp there's no school so there ain't shit going on that's great and and do you notice a difference are you feeling better with yeah yeah and I take a nap in the afternoon too I work so hard in the morning that when I go home at 1 1 30 I fuck around I take a shower and by 3 30 I got to go down I got to go down for a fucking hour an hour and a half sometimes 1 30 sometimes

you I went to bed at 3 30 I got up at 615 at night Really? Yeah. Wow. I'm jealous. And but I you dude you seem you like you seem a lot calmer and you seem like at peace, which is nice. Why I don't have anything to fucking I don't let nothing break my balls like I used to. Why do you think you used to? I answer it. I answer back now and I go no, I'm not doing that shit no more because I was putting everything before you have. not really everything but if some motherfucker calls me and says you need to talk at 1130 I'll cancel jih Tjitsu over that and then it's a 10-minute call that's a waste of my time so nobody cancels my workout sessions no more there's a program I got to do certain from Monday to Friday Saturday and Sunday I take the fuck off I eat what I want I drink I still drink a lot of water that's the fucking key water sleep rest and I I have a, you know, as funny as it is, I have a stress thing on my whoop.

Okay. And it tells you throughout the day when you have stress. Did it like alert you? Yeah. Oh, okay. It has a high, medium and low alert. And it's weird. When I feel something, I'll look and it's medium.

Like today, I was alone. And my daughter goes, I want to go ride the bike. Listen, she could ride a great bike. I just don't like her riding about an neighbor would by herself. You know, two weeks ago she went to Starbucks on the fucking bike, which I wasn't mad at her. We all did the same stupid shit. But for some reason, when she tells me she's going to ride the bike,

my levels go up right away. I worry, you know. She's going to fall. She got shorts long, she's going to scrape her knee. And then I go, fuck it. That's how I learned. I know. I was shocked.

You got to scrape your fucking knee, you know. And little things. Like when people call me to go to New York City for something, that puts my stress level high. Just the fact that they invite you? No, they'll just call and go, hey, you want to do a podcast? And I'm like, not really, but I tell them this will be like the 18th time. I go, no.

But it's because why would I want to do a podcast right now? What is the sense of me doing a podcast? Right. I have no reason to do a fucking podcast. I come up. I'm happy that we get to do our podcast. We get to chit-chat, eat some food, and we go home. That's it.

I don't want to drive into the city and start doing 15 podcasts a week for no reason. But no reason. I'm not promoting anything. I got nothing new to say. You know, nothing has happened, except I'm getting older. What the fuck has happened? So for me to go on a podcast,

so how long did you do in prison? I don't want to hear these questions no more. I don't want to hear these no more, you know. No, I get it. It's interesting for me to watch you because something that I feel like I've been doing wrong and I'm trying to avoid it, but I feel like I've been a little bit too desperate

with some of the comedy stuff that I'm doing. And I know why I'm desperate. It's because, like, I just want to do spots. So I'm, well, I'm taking things because I just say yes to every spot. You have to. Okay. I felt I've been trying to go over in my head, like, what am I doing? Listen.

Again, for years, I did every fucking spot I could. From 91 to 2003, I did every spot I did until one day, my girlfriend at the time sat me down. And she goes, what are we doing here? What are we doing here? Right. You're losing money on every venture you do. You're the only comedian that loses money on every venture. Right.

You know, you were laughing at me last week. I figured out in my head that if I took a bus to local gigs, I saved $300, $200, and that's more money for me to snort Coke. Oh, yeah. And party and get fucked up. You know, I figured all these things out. You have a budget. You have what they're paying you $600 for six shows.

You got to get there. That's always, you know, back in, this shit started about eight years ago. Before that, everything was $200, $2.40, $2.80. Yeah. Everything was $2.409. Every once in a while I got a $3.11. Oh, I don't know. But, you know, that's so right there, you're getting $400, $250 is out the window.

you're left with 350. Unless you fucking eat sardines out of a can with crackers and live in a corner, you know, with a heater or no heater or whatever the fuck you're going to do, doing comedy is very fucking rough on the mind. You're not making any money. Your friends are the 30 have Lamborghinis or whatever the fuck they got and you're still driving a little Toyota with a missing bumper.

And you have a dream. You know, you have a dream and you believe in yourself. So that belief has to take you all the way to the top. Like you've got to believe that the reason you don't do, listen, man, the biggest thing about stand-up or any other thing, when you become a doctor, you go to fucking four years of college, three years of medical school,

a year residency, another six months here, you're doing all this shit, but when the smoke clears, you're making $400,000 a year. Right. You know, when the smoke clears, when those kids go out,

to become a doctor. They're fucking scared. That's hard. That's harder than what we do. Studying and emergency room and taking a pencil out of the kid's eye. You know, all this shit's scary, right? Right.

But there's a payoff. So in your mind, there's so many things you could do. Like, I remember one time towards the end, this was like one of the only arguments I ever gotten with Ralphie met. There was a couple weeks there that he would tell you something.

He'll see you in an hour. six hours later. And one day I said something to him. I go, Ralphie, you got a knocker, and at that time, I had nothing going on compared to him. And I said, dog, when you tell me 1 o'clock, 1.30, that works. But this five-hour late shit, that doesn't work.

And I told him, I go, I got time, you know, my time is valuable. And he goes, not as valuable as mine. I go, but if you're sitting on your fucking ass for four hours, then you got no time. Right. Your time is nothing. And, you know, it was like a little,

argument, we made up, whatever, but he told me two weeks later, because you were right. Time is important. So if you're wasting your fucking time and your sacrifice, that's why I said that to you a couple weeks ago, I love you to death. You ain't got time to go to on movies on a Saturday night. I don't give a fuck if it's mission impossible, and that's the big thing with your situation, the relationship. Now you're in a relationship, and now you've got to give us some and give yourself some and

maintain your fucking sanity because they're going to come at you at them. every night. You don't go out again, but there's a sporting event. I don't give a fuck, because they don't understand that you don't give a fuck. Like, I did not give a fuck

about what was on TV. I did not give a fuck about your fucking family. I didn't give a fuck. I gave a fuck about making something out of my life. Right. So I don't have time.

I don't have that time. And that's what I did this weekend because I didn't... I don't have that time that you're looking for. Right. And people, Thursday night I went out with some friends of mine,

and I bumped into this friend of mine. And she was there with a boyfriend, and we were talking. And she goes, you know, when you got divorced, how long did it take you to get remarried? And I go, it took me nine years to get a girlfriend, and another nine years to marry her. And she goes, why did you do that? And I go, because I didn't want to push my luggage on people.

I had tons of luggage, A, and B, my principles were not going to be the same as yours. You know, I had an affair with somebody that came home. We did Coke. We fucked. The next day they're gone. I got comedy to do. I don't give a fuck about what's on your mind or what's on your friend's mind.

And there's people that can't handle that around you. It's very rough on the people around you. Like, I fucking, one of the reasons I got into comedy was not to go to weddings. Straight up. Straight up. Straight up. I don't have six hours to waste of a fucking wedding. I don't, and I don't want to go to a fucking wedding.

And if you call me with a wedding, I'm going to tell you it's not going to work. And now I live like trickle because all these people are going to get married. And they're like, well, are you going to come? Not really. And they think I'm goofing. Right. Like, they think I'm joking around. Like, I'm not joking.

I'll send you 500,000, whatever number you tell me, I'll send you. So I'll have to sit there for three hours and bang on a glass or all. all that dumb shit. I just don't like it. Right. I sacrificed a lot. Now, in my heart, I like weddings. But I had to convince myself.

I didn't like weddings. I had to convince myself that I didn't like half the shit that people were doing, so I didn't involve myself in them. I only had one thing to do. Two things. Three things. Snork, do comedy, and get my dick sucked.

That was on my list every morning. That was my list. Do stand up? Snork, get your dick suck, try, whatever. That was on the agenda on the fucking road. I didn't give a fuck about your problems. I don't care about your fucking cat. It's just, it's just a, it's a fucking state of mind.

And that, yeah, it's hard. It's hard and it's hard to, like, get out of, like, for me, it's very hard to get out of my comfort zone. And I know, like, on Saturday night, I didn't have anything booked. And I went to two clubs. And there's nothing I hate more than hanging out. I feel like such an asshole.

I feel like no one wants me there. Not because I'm not funny, but like if I don't have, like, I'm just going to sit around like with my, just clap when people go on stage. Yeah, that's what I did. You watch, you sit there, you get a beer and you watch. And you don't have to say a word. As long as somebody sees you, walk in and walk out so you're not out of mind. You're never out of mind.

You're always there. And on Monday they all get a fucking text or whatever's in now with your avails. Monday at 9 o'clock. I don't wake up to 11. Well, it's Monday in my world. You're waking up when I send you that fucking text. Right.

Or that email. That's how your mentality is, you know. This is your life. This is your career. You don't people. I love people who have careers and then they, well, I'm going to Bimini for a week. Where did that come from?

What are you talking about? Right. You just got this started. Yeah, but I planned this way before. then cancel it. People don't think like that. They don't want to think like that. Then they'll cry to you later.

They don't have money. They don't know what's going on. Well, you went to Bimony. Go to fucking Bimony now. Go jump up and down and fucking Bimony. Do you ever think about like, because it might be weird for you. Like, let's say you didn't,

you didn't have that Coke problem. Do you think you would have done more in comedy? Oh, probably. Probably. Probably. Because it's all like, but also like a lot of the Coke stories turned into like a lot of funny material. You know, because I turned them into funny material, but they weren't fucking funny. They weren't fucking funny.

Okay, these stories are not funny. Really? They're sad. But we know how to make them funny. They're sad. You're telling people about stories about your addiction, this crazy shit that you did to get high, whether it was going in the toilet and scraping the sides and licking it, you know, it's tough. Listen, man. it's very tough to podcast

and it's very tough to be vulnerable in front of people. You know, like for years, I didn't talk about doing coke on stage. And then when there I said, fuck it, why not? Right. And I started pulling a different audience.

Now I knew, you know what I'm saying? When I did that thing with my mouth, nobody did that before. Oh, that? Yeah, nobody did that before. Nobody. Nobody. I never seen anybody do that shit on stage.

Not even Richard Bryant. So talk about John, you know. Right. your jaw effect. It was just so many fucking things that I did not want to talk about. But to become a good comic, you needed to talk about those things. You need to let people know you're like them.

Why didn't you want to talk about them? I was embarrassed. Why wouldn't I? Who would want to tell these stories? You finger somebody and shed a yeast infection. Your hands smelled like Newark for a month. You know, who wants to hear this shit? Nobody wants to hear this shit, but it's what made you.

It's what made you who you are today. Right. I'm out of my chits. Everybody knows that. I'm fucking crazy. I'm fucking crazy. I control it, but I'm out of my fucking. You know what I'm saying?

That's funny that you know, like, at least you're like, listen, if you don't know you're crazy, you got mental problems. When you parade yourself and you're like, there's nothing wrong with me, what I do is absolutely normal. No, it's not. No, it's not. So we already know. know it. Like no crazy person would have kidnapped somebody. No sane person would have got into

comedy. What sane person gets into fucking comedy? We're all on the fucking mental edge struggle, like more on a thin line. And after a while, when you don't become successful, that shit starts to come out and you start to see the mental health issues. And sometimes when you become successful, the mental health issues come out right in front of you. Can't control them. That's how it comes out like late in life. I would think you'd be crazy for life. But no, like you think it comes out like 40s or 50s. Some people will just go nuts.

Listen, you always have something in you. There's always something in you. And you have things that you know that you feel like this doesn't happen to anybody else, but it happens a lot more than what you think. You know, like you ever come in a minute when you're on a date? Yeah. And you're like, nobody else does this. This chick's going to go home depressed.

every guy she's with comes in a minute maybe a minute and a half she's got great pussy she's got big titties what do you think they're like you know every once in a while she'll get lucky she goes out with guys of the drunks you know they get dead dick when they drink it's all so you think that you're the only person

this is happening to right but it happens to other people until you bring it out you don't need you're not gonna know everything happens to you oh shit I do the same thing too and you know what's weird I'm not like one thing I love about podcast I like about our relationship is like

there's a lot that I won't say in like normal life but on a podcast or on stage I'll say like or like even with you like I feel comfortable I don't think people talk about the shit that they feel like no one else goes through no they're scared and we're scared as comics we're scared to unveil ourselves

it's not when you unveil yourself that shit starts to move shit starts to move okay I can relate to that this motherfucker does this this motherfucker does that I can relate to this I understand what he's going through it's that's because I honestly like up until now I've just been trying

to be funny but that's kind of what my goal like what I've been working on the last year funny it is funny it is but okay okay always remember funny is funny if you could fucking harmonia a fart if you could play a fart out of harmonica that's pretty great people would laugh

yeah you know club owners ago, that's not the comedy we want to hear. You're paying me a fee to go out there and make them laugh. Doesn't matter how I make them laugh. If I take my shoe off and let my fungus toe on fire and it keeps turning off, people laugh, that's funny. Right. That's fucking funny.

Yeah. And that's what we forget. Listen, there's some below the line shit you can't say that's kind of whatever, but funny is funny. And then, once you get your mind there, like you and I have had this. about comedy minds. And I've told you that I have a hard time writing because it's not something I do every night.

When you get on stage every night for like six months, oh my God, your fucking engines are, you're burning through that fucking feather. You know what I'm saying? You're burning through that feather. That chicken's out of blood because you're always cueing and turning and, you know. But when you're not, it's very rough.

I figured out how to ride it alone. It's not funny, but it's your stories. Right. I mean, there's nothing funny about what's going on to translate it to the audience. There is. There's a lot of shit that's going on that's funny. But we live in such a pussy fucking society today. I know.

That you can't bend to any of them. I don't give a fuck. I'll go up there and talk about my views. I don't give a fuck. I love it. I'm not going to slip because the biggest way you could kill yourself right now is going politics on stage. that's the biggest way because it's 50-50 across the fucking moon

and it gets worse and every day it gets better or worse they're either against them they're with them he did this he did that you know Michael Collie only did this

Michael Collie only did that but the fun thing with like the way you do like any sort of like political jokes because I'm not even I don't even know but like you don't I don't know what you believe about what you're saying a lot of the things that you like my fate I love when you call me about like something that went on in the news and you say some wild shit I'm just dying wild shit I don't think like I never even really thought about it but now that I'm thinking I don't think like it's an actual like political belief that you have you're just a comic you're like what's the funniest thing I could say here you know it's it's you just look at shift what it is sometimes like I don't even look at it I don't know I don't even get into it right.

now because it's hysterical. Where you get your comedy from, like listen, comedy and definition is my world against the regular world. All right, and that's comedy, and there's a lot of news, but that's shit that I see on the news that I just

want to dial after. I think the news is one of the funniest programs on TV with hypocrisy and everything else. Like the other night I got home. Where was that? No, Saturday night I didn't go. I went home and I went to CVS and I went home and I ate at home.

And all night, I talked to George and all night it was, you know, it was the bombing, you know. He had just bombed him. Right. And it was hysterical because I put CNN on and they were kind of weird. And then I put Fox on 26, right? See, it's like 25 and 26 on my cable box. And they were just saying, Donald J. Trump. I hate when they call him Donald.

It sounds like such a fucking faggy name. Just call him Trump. Just call him Trump. When they say Donald J. Trump did history. I mean, they were all on there just sucking the Trump dick. And I was laughing my ass because there's people that are burning right now. You know, like half the other side was furious that he dropped those bombs. And they didn't really comprehend.

Like it doesn't matter who you bomb anymore. Right. It doesn't fucking matter. Whether you bomb babies, whether you bomb babies, whether you, you're, you're not. you bomb fucking old ladies. He bombed the fucking nuclear facility plant, wherever they make nukes. Right.

Okay? And people are still. You didn't have the right to do that. So you're living in a world that nobody's going to be happy with what you do. And I love on both sides, like the people watching Fox, a lot of them were like saluting. They were pumped. Oh, you know.

And then you got the people hating the Jews, you know. Oh, yeah. And it's so fucking crazy. You know, it's so funny. that Jews are going to start a lot of, I'm giving you some inside info here. Are you allowed to say this? Yeah. In a couple weeks, maybe a couple

months after this dies down, a bunch of people are going to start getting snipered and killed. One by one. One of them is going to be Roger Waters from Pink Floyd. Israel's going to start taking people out individually. One of the shots. They're just going to start taking people out. They've had it. Netanyahu's had it. And, you know, I mean, the world, whatever.

I don't want to talk about this because right away, people say, oh, you're Jew lovers, your Jew haters. I'm just telling you what I see. Netanyahu's on a fucking role now. So anybody who's talking shit is going to get fucking shot in head. How do you think they're going to do it? Poison, blow darts. You know, they just blew people up with pages.

You never fucking know. You never fucking know. The CIA is still trying to blow Fidel Castro with a cigar with a fucking cigar. And the Jews figured out how to kill people with a fucking pageant. You know, so I don't know how they're going to do it. but you figure it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. We were going to New York for the 4th of July. I don't think we're doing it now.

No? Who knows what's going to happen? Who knows what idiot's going to be running out there, jumping up and down in New York? You know, there's fireworks that day, so you can't hear shit. Right. Oh, shit. So there's a bombing that might bomb Lincoln Tunnel.

Who knows? Like you said, New York is a haven for fucking Jews. Oh, yeah. There's a million Jews in New York, and it's one-stop shopping. They already have like cells that are getting together And what these people do I watched it on 60 minutes last night What these people do is they just gather information

About structure buildings Places to hit holidays Jews are doing this or people against Jews? People against Jews Iran has Probably Yeah like intel All that shit

Like I said I don't like talking politics I just repeat what I hear Because I'm a fucking idiot But I know as of this afternoon they bombed They tried to bomb an American Air Force base He said Everybody said if they

If they retaliate it It's all over They're going to become a parking lot Well I would love to hear From any like any soldiers I don't know if you've seen I've heard like a rumor That when they feed the army

Like steak and lobster That means we're going to war And all people were posting Like in the last two weeks Where like the army's getting steak and lobster Like at the cafeteria That like that means it's about to go down.

I don't know what's going down. I just know that you've got to get your helmets ready, get that iodine ready. What's the iodine? They put the ears like Russian people. They put iodine in their ears with cotton balls, something when there's a nuclear, something bomb, because one of the Russians told me.

Would you really try to survive? What? Would you try to survive? I don't know if I would. I don't know. It's just actually. Did you see the pictures of Iran? I told you, it's just a turban.

there's smoke coming out of it and a little cape on the bottom. They just zap people. People just disappeared. And every fucking little hood's got a little bit of smoke coming out of it. You see it? It's like when they fucking,

like when they do like a genie, you know like when the genie would blink and the clothes would just fall. That's what it is. They just, they just zap the body. That's pretty impressive. They just zapped it. They got a thousand turbines

and little smoke coming out of it right now. They just zap the body. There's maybe an eyeball on fire on the floor or a fingernail or a fungi toenail. That's what I'm looking for. I don't want to struggle. I don't want to survive an atomic bomb going off. Listen, who knows? Don't worry about it.

I'm not worried about it. They come off and go right outside and wait for it. I'd love to be one of the ones who are zapped. That's the best way to go. You're not scared. You're just zapped? Are you retarded? A little bit, but you don't think so.

If you go, you can't do comedy. I don't want to get zapped You might have a little radiation After the atomic bomb goes off He's doing shows Or something like that Who knows Exactly

It's going to be like The road warrior I don't You think I'm gonna do well in road warrior Oh yeah You think I'm gonna do well in the road warrior I'm gonna die Or get like assaulted immediately

That's really when I get mugging You keep putting that fucking air fan In your head You're gonna get assaulted Oh I'm so excited Oh they're gonna beat you Run on the spot I can't wait

They're gonna actually beat you with that fucking fan. They're going to take it off, beat you, take the wall off your pocket, kick you in the stomach, and take off. What should I get one of like the Chinese fans? Like you just go like that?

Remember when Eric got us the gay ones in L.A.? It was like Pride Month. The fans? Yeah, that's the one I should get. Oh, you should get a gay fan. That would have been a while. At least you'll get your dick suck, too. You get a little gay fan.

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We're back, beautiful people. Lee, did you watch the fucking NBA finals last night? I didn't watch. I heard about it, but I didn't watch it. No. NBA was on fire last week. You know, Indiana was a great team. I bet them to win the series.

I lost. It was just $25 to win $100 and a quarter. $150. I really liked them, but the way that kid went down last night was fucking sad. I heard he blew, is it Achilles or something? Yeah. And I was just telling my wife,

I didn't know it was Achilles. But I sat there last night. I'm like, it's June fucking 22nd. And these motherfuckers are still playing basketball. That's absurd. When did he used to end? Huh? When did it used to end?

Like June 7, May 31st. Oh, wow. They're extending. And then today I saw a bunch of people going, two 20-year-olds ripped their fucking Achilles tendon. It's that the season is too long. And I believe that. Fucking October till June,

all right, the other team stopped in fucking May. But two months of fucking playoffs, man, that's a lot. And then, you know, it's just a long fucking season. I read a book once that George gave me, the one about The Punch. by Rudy Tom Jonovic when Kermit Washington

punched him. And it was really weird. After that, they never had, after that punch, they stopped, the NBA stopped doing certain things. Like there was no back-to-back road games. If you're on the road, you can only play at one game a night, like every other night,

you know, because they felt that the players were getting burnt out. They did a lot of reform. But in this age of greed... Yeah, that's all. Nothing. And that's, you know, I was talking to my wife last night, and I'm like, we were talking about, I was watching something.

And I go, you know, I'm 62. And one thing you never hear from people, like when you go to school, you read a history book, you know, and it tells you about 1861, Kennedy, whatever, you know, the Germany thing. It tells you about all this shit. The Germany thing. No, you know, Auschwitz.

Yeah, no, I know what you were talking. And it tells you all this shit, but you know what's really weird? And you won't get it yet, but George will, because he's my age. We've seen so much change. We've seen so much change that could have stayed the way it was, and it wouldn't hurt nobody. But we always tried to improve, and in the meantime, you made it worse. Like automated phones at your doctor's office, automatic phones had anything like that. want to talk to the people. Right away they send you on the computer, if you want to make an

appointment, go on the fucking computer, then you get there, and the appointment's wrong. You know, it's just so many things. You know, we were talking about the garden a few weeks ago. I went to do that show, and it was, when I got there was nobody outside because somewhere in America, they decided no more scalping tickets. The scalpers were out there having a great time. You'd have a great time with scalpers, busting their balls, trying to beat them, trading tickets. No. So they took away the scalper and now we get double charged on fucking the computer. You know? Right.

We can't even negotiate. We don't even know who we're negotiating with. Right. So many things got so, like I saw things change that, why'd they change? They would great the way they were. Is there like a time period that if like the world could just stop right there, you'd be happy? Like 80s, 70s, 90s? I think the 90s were great.

I think I would have stopped in 1990. Yep. With grunge and everything. Look what music is. Now, the other day, I went to my daughter's softball game. They were playing a team for Virginia. I never heard more redneck music in all my life. But it's not rednecks.

It's people faking an accent. It's like they really fake the accent. The country. Yeah, we got a guitar. Knock it the fuck off. This ain't even country no more. It's just, you know, listen to rap music. It's God awful.

It's a guy with a fucking. thing. Just a box. That's it. Yeah. You know, Billy Eilish, I listen to all my daughter's in the car. But I saw a live tape of her. I wouldn't pay for that shit. It's her with a fucking DJ. There's not a musical instrument out there. She's lip syncing to a degree. I think people have figured out what you need to do to be popular. Oh, no. I think that's what it is. I had this talk with Mercy about three months ago. We're living in a world now. It's like she likes that chaperone. Okay.

That chaperone is the ugliest fucking monster lookingest thing I've ever seen in my life. And she's all bullshit. It's all bullshit. They know how to twist the strings. They act independent to be like cool, but they're really not. Because we all answer to somebody.

So knock the fucking shit off. Especially if you got a record company. You got an answer to that record company. She's out there. The record labels should put away money for starving artists. Better yet, since you're concerned about starving artists, Go into your fucking kick.

Go into your kick. They never do, do they? Why would they? So then shut the fuck up. You know, now comedian girls, they got to marry a guy that's autistic. That's a new thing. If they don't marry an autistic, retard,

they can't fight. And then they sell it. Like, oh, yeah, my husband's autistic. You know, are you fucking retarded? Why would you marry him? Your child's going to be fucking autistic. He's not going to put it, he's not going to know how to put a square in a circle

or a circle in a square, whatever the fuck that is. Everyone's autistic. now. Yeah, everybody's got a fucking thing now. And then they had the fake charities. I like those people, the fake people. Yeah, I'm really concerned about it. No, you're not. No, you're fucking not. No, you're not. You just say this shit. You know, it's like all these movie stars. They all talk shit. Well, go into your pocket. Where's your fucking suffering? Where is it? No, you just dare fucking pointing people at other things that you don't even really believe.

That's the problem with those Hollywood actors today. Do you think Charles Bronson would have raised his hand and said, I support the LGBTQ community? Or Clint Eastwood or one of those motherfuckers? No, because they hated those things. That wasn't in their repertoire. Charles Brunson, do you believe in LBTQ? Yeah, oh yeah.

I believe in a man with a wig. I knock them out. That's right. But now movie stars are go, I support LGBTQ just to be cool, just so people go, oh, my God, he really cares. Well, did you see Even like the like I don't even know honestly really know who she is Sydney Sweeney She's like a hot actress

She's selling her bathwater Yeah Like what you should buy it and drink it I don't fucking know There's people that do that listen yeah We got so many sick fucking people today Look at this Look at all these female celebrity movie stars and musicians

They all got a fucking stalker Oh yeah that poor girl the football player's girlfriend with the skinny legs and no ass, what's the name? Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift. She had a fucking guy

that was moving into a house and some shit. You know, all these fucking brards. You know, what part in your mind lets you think that they're talking to you? Oh, for like the stars, the stalkers? They're just insane. They're insane.

How many, there was a comedian at the store that had a stalker. She couldn't put on the lineup that she was going to the store. They had to put her name. I would go to a story and I'd go, who the fuck is this brought? And then it was somebody else.

And I go, oh, okay. Yeah, they got stalkers. What part in your mind do you think that person is going to fall in love with you by you showing up at their house with fucking chocolates or candy? They're rich. If they want chocolate, they'll go buy it themselves. They don't even if you buy fucking chocolate.

And then there's people now like scamming you. Like there's this one one I keep seeing stories of like this older lady. Someone took a Matt Rife's picture and has been like texting. or being like, hey, I'm Matt Rife, I need some money. We'll get married, coming to my show. And this, like, 60-something-year-old lady believed it. And, like, gave him money. Well, some lady just gave somebody Brad Pitt.

Remember Brad Pitt called her up and borrowed money from Michigan? 800,000 and got the voice, a husband fucking nothing. Yeah. What makes you fucking think Brad Pitt is going to call you for a fucking envelope? Listen, there's some scams out there now that if you get caught, You should just get put in jail. You should just get caught. So if you get scammed?

Yeah, you got to go to jail. You cannot be this stupid. I don't want you in society. You're going to spread your stupidity to people by fucking, you know, guys, the biggest thing I want for my daughter is not to be a sucker. Yeah. And that's why I talk to her about chaperone and whenever fake people come on TV, I'll show them.

I'll point them and go, look at this guy. This Pablo fucking dude, this dude from last of him. us. Oh, yeah? You don't like it? He was great on narcos. Then he became a half a fag. He put glasses on. Once they put the glasses on, you lost them. Once they put the intelligent glasses, like I read a book at night, you lost him. You hate glasses. I don't hate glasses for people who need glasses. I need glasses at night. I can't see the fucking TV guy on my fucking TV no more. I need glasses and I won't fucking put them on because it's such a stigma in my fucking, like, I I started putting on sunglasses.

Okay. Again, that $2 sunglasses got them from the wheat store. I'm not going to pay $800 for a pre-ray ban. Look at me with it, Rayban. Then you lose those fucking things like me. I know. You know, so you buy $2 glasses and you put them on. But I'm not going to go to the store and buy,

look at me, intelligent glasses to put them on at night to look like fucking Dr. Doolittle. That's never going to fucking happen in my world. What do you, I'd love to hear. Tom Segora, all those motherfuckerker with their glasses. glasses. Once you put glasses on, you lose yourself. You lost who you were. You didn't even, you just wanted to go for the intelligent look like I need them. No, you don't need them. There's a thousand pair of glasses you could get. You ever see a Japanese guy with stupid fucking glasses on?

No, they wear the coolest motherfucking yakuza, thin shades and shit. But you got to be fucking Johnny. What they do is they get the weirdest looking glasses to put it on so they stand up. Right. Like God forbid there's one guy that's got like the colored one. the big frames, like the bag that he is. You know, that's just... So how, like, what would your sentence be? Like, if you saw someone wearing those glasses, how long do they have to go to the stupid jail for?

Depends what they wear them for. What if they don't even have the lenses? It's just glass, just like it's a fashion statement. Yeah. They need to get put under the jail and beat up. That's what half these people need. They need to go to prison or county jail. And for some guy to walk up to them,

go, what's up with those glasses? and for them just to get smacked and the glasses fall off and the one lens breaks and you're holding on to your eye. You'll never put those glasses on again. No. Because finally somebody had,

but in L.A., you put those glasses on and people are like, oh, we love your glasses. Oh, yeah. I got them on sale. No, you didn't. You paid 800 for them, you fucking sucker. I love when they have, like,

you can tell they have 40 pairs, like they match the glasses with the shoes with the shirt. That's my favorite. I think I've brought. You know, man, I'm happy Trump's in office because I know we had a weak president and I was a country, it would take me a week

to get through these fucking assholes. It would take me a week to get through all these assholes we got walking around. Between the tattooed baldheaded guys on steroids, I think they're fucking, you know, to the faggies with the tight fucking pants and to the other sets of faggies with the blue suits and the brown shoes

like brown and blue ever fucking matched before. You know, there's just so many people that live for an identity. I took the bus. Everybody's dying for an identity. You could go anywhere now on a Friday and Saturday. What do they got at a restaurant? A board for you to take pictures.

Oh, yeah. For you to take, like, you're at a VIP dance. So you could actually take them and, like, look at me, we're on the walkway. What do they call that? The red carpet. The red carpet or whatever, the blue carpet, or whatever the fuck, you know,

everybody wants to be a celebrity. And it's fucking, because I'm a half of pseudo fucking felon celebrity and I fucking hate it. I fucking hate it. Dude, there's places in New York that are just open for you to go take selfies in and you can pay it for, by the, like, by the picture.

I know, it's, in the Lower East Side, there's a couple places that if you walk by, I do mics and shows down there. It's like, it's just, like, they have, like, little sets and props you can use. And it's like, There's lines out the door. Because that's the new world.

People want to take selfies in front of, God forbid, they can't take a selfie in front of the theater. They just sold out. Right. On Sunday mornings, look at Instagram. Right. With the flashlights behind. With the lights. We know.

Right. We know already. Show me you saving a cat, giving it mouth to mouth on the street. I love you more. What are they saying? Sports act like you've been there before or something. Yeah, it's, it's, you know, Lee, and yeah, it is social media. But I could put on so many skull caps and get so many tattoos on my neck

and get black nail polish and smoke and do videos all day long. And people are buying the image. Oh, man, he looks cool. Let's go see him. He's got a tattoo of a dragon on his neck. They don't even care about you, mature. No. So yeah, social media, the image, the image thing, people buy into image now.

They don't buy into character. They don't look at that person. They go look at that person trying just a little bit too hard. I'm going to stay away from that motherfucker. There's something that's not right. He's trying just a little too hard. It's really... I have no clothes.

Do you know that? What do you mean? I'm not ashamed to say that. I have no clothes. I have three pair of Levi, black, blue jeans. I got a pair of black wounds. I got a pair of Levi carpenter beige pants. Okay?

I have on a rare t-shirts. Some people give them to me. Some I buy. The sneakers I buy. I don't buy anything like to be cool. I don't blame. Like jeans with a rip in the knee. I'm too old for that.

You're just too fucking old for that. You just look like a fucking idiot. You know, I just saw a video of Jay-Z. He's worth what, $200 billion fucking dollars, still has the fucking Timberlin boots with the jeans with a hood on. Nobody's cold. You're in France.

Everybody's out there with a t-shirt on. You got a black hood on. I mean, just, there's so many things that people get impressed by. And it's fucking pathetic. Who's the best basketball player on the team, George? The guy without the knee braces on and the elbow braces.

Give me the guy with the knee braces on and the leg warmers. and the black, this one is black and this one is red, and he's got, he sucks. And then he goes until the bench. He sucks. He sucks. He's Portalita. That's what Cubans call portalita. What's that mean?

That means like everything to get attention, but what he needs to be doing to get attention, he ain't doing. He's hiding it with all this smoke. That's why I always say, who are you once all this gets taken out? Okay, like when I tell people all the time, when I look in the mirror at night, there's no stand-ups,

There's no people doing standing ovations or blowing smoke in my head. It's just me with my ugly face in that mirror going, damn. You got to do something. You got to do something, okay? And then none of those things if I said, well, maybe I'll dye my head

jet black and put a white streak like Tulsi Gabbard or maybe I put a fucking tattoo on my neck and get the goatee and gray it up and put a little chef hat on so I look kind of cool. Like, look at Joey with a house. I don't need that.

No. I never thought I needed that. One thing I grabbed from Hudson County when I was growing up was, look at the kids I grew up with. I'll bring you 15 of the kids I grew up, but including George. George is probably one of the only ones with a tattoo. Right.

Yeah, well, that was not big for you guys. We didn't need anything for attention. You know, an earring, a fucking, all that shit was not necessarily. in my world. It was not necessary. Whenever I see someone... We showed up with dick and heart. And that's it. When you show up with dick and heart, you don't need all those fake accessories. Right. They're just to get attention from little fags and, you know, oh my God, I love your shirt. Oh, so cool. You know, it's like when you wear that fucking Nikki shirt on,

that, what shirt? That wiki shirt on. Oh, the buggies? Yeah. And people come up and go, that's cool. You're like, how old are you? If you're 12 and you tell me, I have a Spider-Man shirt on. You tell me it's cool. But now adults are saying that. I like that shit. It's cool. It's a fucking mini-mouse.

And you're too much of an adult. The other dad was wrestling with a kid of Jiu-Jitsu, and I looked at his foot, and he had a Mickey Mouse on his foot. I stopped him. I go, you're a fucking cop. How do you have Mickey Mouse on your fucking foot, tattooed on your foot? If you're a cop and you arrest me with sandals on,

I'm fucking punching you the head. You got a fucking Mickey Mouse tattoo on your fucking foot. What tattoos are allowed? None. None? When you show up with big dick and heart and character and a set of balls that sling dick? The only tattoo that you should have is one on your chest. It says, suck my dick.

That's the only tattoo that's acceptable in my world. Have you told Mercy that? Like no tattoos? No, she's not going to get one. You don't think so? She wouldn't. Then I told her you can't be buried in the Jew cemetery. I told them she couldn't.

She can't get into college, and she believed me so. She still believes you? Yeah. Oh, that's fantastic. That's awesome. What else do you have? I love the lies parents to tell their kids. Do you have anything else?

That's fantastic. Yesterday we talked about me smoking pot. Really? Yeah. She goes, I knew before you told me, Dad, in the old house, you would open the door and smoke would be coming out of your lips. And you thought, like, you were hiding at the? We were driving back from Mount Holly, and I said, oh, that's the weed store I was supposed to go, that I missed it today.

She's like, only my dad would tell me what weed store he goes. I go, yeah, I was going to buy weed for somebody else. Not for me. She's like, Dad, what's my support about honesty and how? I go, you never seen me smoke. You assumed I smoked. Dad, I smell it. And maybe it's Frank Puma who busted his smoke pot in the fucking garage.

I got to talk to him. Right. You know, but you got to like, you know, I'm like, she's got a black boyfriend. Oh, they're actually going out? Oh, shit. She tried to break it to me the other night. I had a, listen, I have a chair downstairs, you know,

and the couch, you, you know. But over here, I have a footstool that I don't use the footstool. I just use it as the remote holders and maybe to hold like a toenail cutter and my remotes and a water or something. when she sits on that thing, it's going to get good. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, it's going to get good. So the other night she sat there, and first she was telling me that one of her girlfriends is very racist. That's how we got into the conversation. And I go, she racist towards black people. She goes, Dad, everybody. She says stuff about Arabs and stuff all the time and Jews.

I go, well, and she goes, I'm friends with all of them. I'm friends with, I'm tight with Jews, I'm tight with Arabs, and I'm tight with fucking black kids. And I go, really, you know, black? She goes, yeah, you know, Aubrey this, she tried to tell him. And I go, there's a lot of African-Americans in your school.

And she goes, Devin. And I go, you really like Devin? She goes, well, I've been talking to him lately. And she goes, he got catfish, the old bridge by some girl. And he came back running to me. She goes, I was supposed to call him two nights in the row. I never called him. She goes, I had him fucking waiting.

Oh, Jesus Christ. And I'm like, that's it. Sweat him out, baby. He's black. Make him walk through the fucking field. You know what I'm saying? Make him walk to that cotton field. Oh my God.

And today when I was leaving, she came down to give me a kiss. And she goes, Dad, I got to go upstairs. I'm talking to Devin. Devin was on the phone. Okay. And I go send Devin my love. And she goes, he loves you too. Holyish.

That is going to be, what do you think about her starting the date? Well, that's fucking 12, okay? He won't even come over to the house. She asked me today if she'd go to a county mammoth fair with him. They only want to date for the county fair. Oh, shit. Yeah. We have to go and watch.

No. No, and what if me was a little fan on? I'll hide. You don't want to watch at all? No, she'll kill you if she sees you look watching. Oh, I know. She'll kill you. Listen, man.

Then the neighbor said to me, you know, she likes that black kid. I'm like, first off, he's mixed. He's Irish and black. Let's not just call the fucking guy, you know, Denzel. He's black and Irish. His dad's cool. The mom is really dynamite. Good looking. They're kids. And what do you want me to tell him? You can't date a black guy? What do you want me to tell it? She's 12. So you want me to let my asshole beliefs interfere with her beliefs? I can't do that either. And I didn't think you had anything issue with him being black, but just a dude dating

your daughter. I know they're 12. They're not dating. They're talking on the phone. If they meet at the mall, my wife goes. Okay. Like last week, a bunch of little boys and little girls went Friday. They went to Point Pleasant to Jenkinsons. My wife went, and a bunch of moms. And his mom was there.

Wow. They're fucking 12. You're so much calling. I'm nervous. I want to go spy on it. What do you want me to do? I don't know. Scared the kid a little bit? No. Come see me again when she's 16. Okay. And then I'll tell you the other side of that.

Okay. But for right now, I can't get in her way. She's just a young kid. And she's just getting to learn all this shit. And, you know, it's interesting. Listen, this is the best thing I've ever done in my life. Being a dad? Yeah, I'm having the best time.

Listen, you told me that I've lightened up a lot lately. It's two reasons. I'm enjoying my life for the first time in a long time. And I went back to Jiu-Jitsu. That always keeps my best. to try. As soon as I go back to Jiu-Jitsu, my whole demeanor changes, because it's such a challenge for me, but if I could go twice or three times a week, I'm like, whew, thank God. Why? Because it's such a challenge, and especially at my age, especially getting into shape and all that,

and I like it. I just like the guys there. I like talking to the people there. You know, I talk to a lot of people from there. In fact, I went out to dinner with two guys from there last week, and I had a fucking great time. They've been invited me to dinner for two fucking years. And I'm always like, nah, and last night that night I went out to see Mercy School. You know, like they had like an end of the year, a little party

for the parents, and fucking lemonade with no sugar in it and all that. We got out of there about 8.30, and they kept calling me, and I said, I'm over here, but if I get a minute, and then when I left, it was Thursday night, it was raining. I was when I come up to North Bergen and do Pedro's show.

But it was just coming down. I had I did do that school thing, and then I went over to this restaurant, Mescal, an old bridge. Nice. It was fucking great to drink. I didn't drink. I didn't drink alcohol. I just ate the shrimp cocktail and the angry lobster, like an appetize.

It wasn't. But, like, what, how was that different than, like, other nights that you've gone out? Like, what was it about it that, like, you like so much? Was it just the people? I just got out. Sometimes it's great. Listen, man, let's get something straight. I was involved with comedy for 29 fucking years.

I don't have to tell you that comedy dominates 80% of my conversation. Right. When I was doing Coke, it was 70%. Once I stopped doing Coke, it was 80% of the conversation. Now it's like 40%. Wow. And I have things that I have needs now that regular people have. That now I'm not doing comedy.

I have regular needs now. But it's kind of nice to go. with people every once in all that stand-up doesn't get brought up for two hours right nobody gives a fuck and they don't ask you about like Rogan or weird stuff like that no that's awesome and i don't listen i don't put myself in those positions a lot of people must think i'm weird you know and i am because when i go to george's house to watch indiana against the nix or i come to your house to watch a bruce lee movie i don't want people bugging me No.

And you know when somebody sits close to you, they want to ask you something. That wears on you. That wears on you. As a human being, you're trying to watch something. There's a guy over here. I saw something the other night that I wanted to stop the young comic, but I didn't know what to do. So I was just quiet. I was at a show, and this young comic wrote a note on his phone and showed it to another comic who was on the show.

but the other comic on the show was big and said, I have a question about Patrice O'Neill just like in the middle of the show. And the older comic was super nice. I was like, do you want to go over here and ask? And he was nice about it. But I just imagined, like, me doing that. Like, there's no way that would, like, that's going to,

no one's going to want to talk to you after that. It's so strange to see people do stuff like that. People do the weirdest things now. And you don't know where they're coming from. You just don't. You just fucking don't. I was having a great time going to that strip club by my house. I wouldn't go every night.

I wouldn't go every week. I would go once every month. Right. The last time I went, I said, I can't come up in no more. Oh, people found out you were going? It was insane. And I'm looking at these guys going, guys, there's pussy right there. They would come up to me.

So do you go to Texas a lot to see Joe? Like, guys, not tonight. Another guy came up to me. Hey, man. I met you last 420. Okay. So now what do you want me to fucking do? Right.

Just the fact that he said 420, that means I already know you don't like him. Yeah, it wasn't this year. So it had to be last year a year before. So what do you want me to do with a 1030 at night at the strip club? I'm watching this girl. They're not even new. They got like their tits out. The reason I go to this strip club is the bartender.

That's the only reason why. I love her to death. I know her boyfriend. I love her to death. So when I go there, since I know her boyfriend, she talks to me. Right.

Because she knows, so I have a great time with her. Once it starts getting, I just leave. Sometimes I got a lap dance. Most of the times I don't. Yeah, you're just there to have,

like, I'm just there to get the fuck out of the house and to kill some fucking time. But I went there the first two times and nobody said nothing to you. Even the black guy next to me. We were talking at the end of the night, night, he goes, I know you are. Okay. And that was great because he didn't bring it up the whole

night. But when you're in one of those places, guys, say hello from a distance. Don't even come over. I'm looking at pussy. I'm talking to this fucking girl. And this is, nothing burns me up more than rule number one. What's that? If you see a man talking to a woman, I don't know what's going on. So I'm not going to go over there and say shit. That's an important rule. I don't say shit. I don't care if I grew up with you. If I don't know who you're with, I'm not going to go up to you and say nothing. Nothing because anything I say is going to be wrong. That's common fucking sense. You're with a woman. You're talking to a woman. Nothing I say could be more important to George. What if it's like, because I had someone do this one time in LA after one of your shows. I had some

guy who liked the show come up to me, like try to like hype me up to the girl I was talking. like this guy's awesome and it was like it was weird like even something positive is like kind of creepy shut the fuck up this my sister then they turn red and purple oh i shouldn't have said no you shouldn't have said nothing you should have said nothing a wink is as good as a nod to a blind horse like this that's it you go like this or go like that with your glass i get it right but there's no reason for you to come over here go talk to the fucking girls i'm a fat 62 year old guy there ain't nothing there for you. I'm not giving out hand jobs, nothing like that. Why are you talking to me? It is, you do not, you, I cannot comprehend after this shit, no moon. You, it's hard to comprehend.

And you sit there and go, wow. Right. They have more in a restaurant with my daughter and my wife eating and some lady sat at the table. And she goes, I see you here a lot. I never want to bother. Today's not the day. Today is not the fucking day. Never. Can you call my friend? And not really, not right now. You have to wait until I get out of here. And I'll fucking, I'll eat one piece an hour until you leave. I will tell you, yeah, on the way out, I'll take a picture of it. You're not even a million fucking years.

I'll take one bite a minute. Put the fork down, look around, make a call to you're sweating me out. I'm not doing it. I'm not in the mood. No. And you would never do that to someone else. No. If I walked into a fucking bar, a strip club anywhere,

and I saw you, George, Nick, any of my friends talking to a woman, if you look at me, I'll wink and keep walking. That's it. There's nothing to say. Now, let me ask you this. What if Eric was talking to a dude? Does that same thing... No, I wouldn't go over there either.

I don't know the dude or how he's going to fuck him. I don't want to go up there. I'm 62. The guy's going to go, why are you talking to an old man for? Right. You fuck old man? I don't think that shit. Right.

I'm the same way about everybody. You're talking to a woman and nothing for me like that. If you want to come over, that's your prerogative. Right. But I'm never going to go over to you and interrupt you. Hi, I just want to say hi. Don't say anything. Right.

My life's going to change because you say fucking hi. I don't give a fuck. It's like if I knock on your dung go hi, I came over to say hi. Who cares? Go fucking milk a cow somewhere, you fuck. Are there any exceptions? Like what if you walked in and you saw me? Like even if it was me or like if I saw you,

If I saw you talking to your girlfriend, right. Absolutely, I'd come over and give you a kiss. Got it, okay. But a foreign woman that you could talk with a bar, I'm assuming you're telling her your life story. Right. If not, I'm wrong. If you come over late and go, why didn't you come over?

Because you were talking to a woman. She's my attorney. Okay, my bad. Right. But at least I didn't come over. Hey, what's going on here? D-J-J-J-J-J-J-J. You know, the people that come up to, hey, George,

you want to do a line of Coke? Are you fucking retarded right here in front of everybody? And you get those people. You're going to get those that had no coup that nobody raised them. Their mother didn't talk to them. It's like they lived down in the barn and they came in for breakfast and showers or something like that. And it's not your fault to fucking, I'm not doing it. No.

I'm not doing it. I would, and that seems like something someone, I'm obsessed with your, like, your like social jail that you want to put people in. because like I want to come up with like a list of things that would send people to jail. Like what about because I was on the Greyhound when you were talking about earlier, I was on the Greyhound and like people tried to like sit next to me and talk. And I pulled like I pulled your trick. I look real fat and I put my stuff on the seat next to me because I didn't want anyone. Oh, you paid for two seats you said.

On the first one, on the way back I didn't. On the way back it was expensive. But like people like they don't want to chant. I don't want to talk to anybody. That's why you put earphones on. But even then. You don't know nothing. I don't know nothing.

I'm talking on the phone to Europe. Meanwhile, you listen to the cars, you know. Right. Europe. I go to a gym. There's two retarts there. And they torture you. Me and Jimmy had to stop going to gym when they're there.

Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays, they're nice people. But it doesn't end, guys. Right. It's retart talk for an hour. Who I went to see the movie. movies this week. They're 30 years old. The kids got white hair. And they go to movies every week and we go see Tilo, Tilo and Tilo and Tilo, what they go see this week. Lilo and Stitch. It was great.

Oh my God. She had a good time. You know, I can't. So when I go there and I put the earphones on, I don't know nothing. That's it. That's the retarded couple that the lady was sitting next to me on the bike one day. And there was another retard, not a husband, but there was a retardant. Not a husband, but there was another guy that's half-retarded on the treadmill. He puts a treadmill like the 14 and he runs on it and he listens to music and he sings along. So one day he was running and he's like, and he's like, miss you.

You know, like he's singing there. I've been what? Miss you. And every time he'd say that, she'd be on the bike looking around. And all soon she'd go, ma. And he would say, like, without even saying nothing, he would just go, yeah. Yeah.

And she would go, ah, and they started a conversation with like 20 minutes. I watched it. And the guy didn't know. He had earphones on. Oh, she was singing. And she's going, making bird noises to him. Like, me. And she goes, this is fun.

And I go, you got to go, lady. You got to go. She's got the little hoof hand. It's the cutest thing in the world, him and her. So I just wear the earphones. I don't let them talk to me no more. I'm a Christian. But enough.

Enough. Enough. There's one day, even Jesus said, fuck this. One day Jesus got out of the cave and he's like, you know what? I can stay here and keep doing this shit. They ain't going to change. These motherfuckers are never going to change. They're going to kill me again and again and again.

And I got to go through this shit every week. Fuck it. I'm going up to heaven and don't think I'm coming back. They've been waiting 8,000 years for Jesus to come back. He ain't coming. Why would he? Fuck, especially now with all these fuck. fucking gogoozes running around.

I love you, motherfuckers. This week we got Thursday, the dojo sold out. And Friday, tell them, Lee. N.J. Pack, Newark. Newark, like a motherfucker. And you got a Saturday show. Saturday got two shows. One at the stand at 6, 8 p.m. Fear City Comedy Club.

There you go, motherfucker. There's a full lineup. If you go to the dojo, I'll see you Thursday night. If you go to Newark, I'll let you know right now. It's going to be fucking great Friday night. It's going to rain. bring your scuba gear i'm doing time until i get electrocuted i don't give a fuck jack how about you lily oh dude i'm you keep telling me that there's special edibles for newer oh yeah so i can't

you told me to get a hotel room and it's like 30 minutes away i got toenail dust i got i went i got one of those fucking drills that go under like that bomb the bunker bomb it goes under the nail now and it scrapes it out and i tick my nail over and a bunch of powder comes out now it's perfect i don't have to do nothing so now i just drill the nail right And then my wife holds a baggie, and I just turned my toe over and the dust falls. I'm going to shake them up with the edibles. It's going to be fun. It has glitter on it.

We got some new mushrooms coming in. They should be in on Thursday. We're ready to go. It's going to be a hell of a night. Don't drive. Don't drive. Don't do nothing. George is going to drive you anyway.

Perfect. That's it. George is going to drive you and drop you right off. There's a hotel right across the street. From where? NJ. Pack. Okay. Do I have a room or it's just there?

It's just there. Go and ask for a room. You go in there and stay in the bathroom. You do what you want. It's like the hotel by your house where you, the first time I went to your house, Steve Simone brought pizza. You got me so high.

I went back and I offered the front desk lady the pizza and I couldn't go back there. That lady at your hotel hated me. So now I'm going to go into this hotel in Newark, fucked up out of my head, room for a lead and there's not going to be any rooms. Who gives a fuck? It's all about a good time, cock suckers.

I love you. Have a great week and we'll see you next Tuesday. Tip top, motherfucking Magoo. Stay black. Tell them, Lee. Love you. What's happening? Uncle Joey here. Listen, your gut is the cornerstone of your health. It affects your hormone levels, energy, and weight management. So if you've been having issues, it's time to get your gut under control with bioma. Bioma is gut supplement with a blend of prebiotics, probiotics, and postbiotics that help you microbeautics. back on track. Just take two capsules before breakfast and you're good to go.

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