The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - It's getting too deep in here

Episode Date: March 10, 2026

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about their amazing black jack night in Tampa, why 50 year old and up divorcee's are so freaky, the skin tag lady and much more! SHOW NOTES If you're 21 or older, get 35% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code CHURCH at ⁠https://inda.shop/CHURCH⁠ #indacloudpod Get 25% off your first order of MASA Chips with code JOEY @ ⁠http://MASACHIPS.com/JOEY⁠

Kick this motherfucker, me oldly. What's happened, beautiful people? It's the church of what's happening now. New Testament. It's Tuesday, March the 10th. We're ready to rock and roll here, you savages. What up, Lee, Syed. Dude, we had a fun weekend.

We had a very fun weekend. I want to give thanks to Tampa, and the people of Tampa, and the surrounding areas for showing up at the hard rock. It was a great energy. It was a great night. Comedy was great. I was very nervous.

I was going to eat a box of day. but I turned it around and everything worked out. No, the show was great. Lee did great. Steve Simone did great. But the night before was fucking... And you know, listen, I told you guys how I felt. I taught George a while ago,

in 2015 to 2020, I admired doing this. And I was having a good time. But not really, because I was treating it like a business. No fucking around, no nothing. We go, we kill them, and we leave. And that's great. That's a great attitude to have. I could go, let's go up there, do the best we can.

No, we're going to fucking kill them and come back. But I was missing out. I was sitting in my room a little day. By the time you get to the show, you haven't spoken to anybody all fucking day. You're in your room. Right. It's in HBO, rolling joints, walking around the neighborhood, smoking joints. And I talked to Ari, and I told him, if I do this again, it's going to be on one condition.

I'm just going to have fun. no more beat myself up the night before and no more 20 Xanax to go up before because it was a business right you know I take that seriously you fucking paid for a babysitter restaurant parking you came all the way down here to see me

and I'm gonna bomb it's not gonna happen I'm not cut that way it just doesn't happen I'm at least gonna swing for the fucking fences you have bad shows but no that's the product we're selling but guess what you're even funnier when you laugh all day

right Okay, when you laugh all day, you're funnier than debt. You know, you're not thinking about the stupid fucking show that's holding you down in the room and the four walls are starting to close in on you. Are you going to have a good set? Try this joke. You did this joke 18 months ago when you were here. You know, that's it.

So now I'm going out. I don't give a fuck. Staten Island, Atlanta. You didn't give a fuck, Jack. You're gambling now. We used to go to casinos. I never fucking gamble. You'd play the video poker for like six minutes.

That's it. Business. 20 bucks. I got to give back to the casino. 20 bucks. That's not fair. They pay me a lot of money. Why would I only give 20 bucks?

Let's go. Get all you motherfuckers to the table. And we had the best black check. This is how Jewish I am. I haven't, I don't, this is not leaving my wallet. I have nothing but hundreds in this fucking wallet. Now is the time to mug them. You know what I'm saying?

Look it. If you hit them in a head tonight coming out of the, coming out of the stand at 1030s. We took edible. And Lee has never showed money. No. Because I never win. Look at those 20s in there.

There's no 20s. They got fucking cobwebs. Nothing but hundreds and two ones. That's it. You've had those two ones in there since you had a paper out. Oh my God. That was a tip from Mrs. Mangalotti. It was my lunch money.

Oh my God. But that was, I've never. Blackjack to me is one of the. most fun things you can do when it, like, a night, like Wednesday night. Okay, again, it's not fun when I threw you to the wolves in Vegas and they

sucked you in for 200 in a row. You know why? I wasn't at the table where you. We weren't having fun. Yeah. I'm going to be honest with it. I hate losing. That's the worst. I work too much, too hard. I got a daughter. That night, if I lost 200, I wouldn't have blinked tonight.

It was a good time. Sometimes you got to lose one at the third. Remind you you're a fucking loser. You know, sometimes you got to do that sometimes. Think that you go to Blackjack. If that lady wouldn't have coached us, we wouldn't have to want to dime.

Dude, the dealer's all of it. That's why you have to, you have to tip the dealer. And when the dealer is giving you shit, that's when it's going to be a good night. You have to find a cool dealer. To be honest with you,

I wouldn't have gone to her because I'm a little bit racist. I want, I want like a black guy or a black lady are my favorite because they, like, they're fun. They have a good time.

but this lady was really cool. She was cool. She'd tell you what to do. It's like the first time I've ever, you weren't nervous, but like you were unsure of what really to do. Yeah, I was unsure.

I had no fucking idea. And all, we just kept winning and winning. And that was because some kid came up to me with a $100 chip. I missed that. That's how the whole thing started. I wasn't gambling whatsoever.

He begged me. He goes, I got a $100 chip. I like the better for you. I go, let's go. I was like, let's go to $500. Get off the table.

It was, no, no, no, let's go to a hundred. Yeah. And we won. I was like, oh, shit. Yeah, we shouldn't have got it up from the $100 table. Then we won again or something. We won like three or four ends in a row. And then when we got up, I was like, oh.

Fucking a little dollar table. I've never done that before in my life. Oh, it's amazing. In my life, that is, that is scary and painful that they're just going to take a whole hundred dollars from you. You're like, wow. Oh, you feel. And they usually may give you something that you're supposed to double.

So then you've got to put another hundred down. And that's how I won. Yeah. That's how I won. I doubled on, you guys like split the aces. Oh, yeah. And then we were off and run.

I gave the kid back as 100. Let's go to a fucking $50 table. And then it's $25. And we ran that bitch up. I was out till four in the morning. I left them at three. I just walked around. And I fucking,

the blackjack table right by the hotel, right by the entry to our elevator. Yeah. Our girlfriend was there. The old lady that was following us around all night. It was a security guard that you got really pissed at. You were not, and it wasn't even her, but like she had the job of telling people they were doing construction. And he was doing the thing.

I did it yesterday at Dwayne Reed, but it was when you're walking away and you're still talking shit. Oh, fuck. But then like 20 minutes later, you're sorry to give her a hug. I'm like, how's your knee? I go, I'm not too fucking good. She made me walk back. But she was so sweet. So I went older that night.

I know what happened. I'm like, what are you doing? You're going to wait for me at 6.30, just come up to the room. I was torturing her. She's like 68. And she's like, okay. 6.30. It was fucking great.

But when I'm laying there, I go, look at this monster at the table. There was a broad, skinny as fuck, doing meth. Nice skin. Okay, face. The biggest titty's you've ever seen. And every time she'd bet, the blouse would go down.

And she'd have to pick up her blouse because the nipple was coming out. It was a party. Perfect. She's getting cocktails from the chick. I'm like, I got to go fucking talk to this. I sat next to I won 200 and said, fuck this fucking chick. I went upstairs because she was pulling out 20s and hundreds. Like, there were nothing like,

they were wrinkled, like she had them in her asshole. Oh, I was she playing over tits? Yeah, no, not have her tits out of. She had a big bag and had dough in that. Oh, she must have been a stripper or something. Yeah, she was a stripper. Well, she had tits like that. She couldn't have been a fucking none. Why have tits like that and be a nun?

That's a waste for Jesus. But fuck in this chick was banging. But once I see her do a meth and shit, I was like, I saw her doing it? No, she was making fucking faces like a penguin. Jesus. You see a lot of fucked up people in casino. I love casinos. I love, I love, casinos really good when they have horse racing.

And like the guy's just walking around there hammered, oh, yelling at the TVs. I love sitting in the horse racing section. You know, it's really weird. One of my favorite spots as a kid was OTB. be on the other side of Washington nights. You got off the bus from Jersey. Okay. It was right upstairs and shit.

I don't know how many times I went up there just to put $2, even if I didn't have it. Because it wasn't about the $2. It was about the entertainment. Oh, yeah. The raw nature of the gambler is an amazing fucking story. Unless you see it or you've had, I had my mother. That's as bad as it gets in the house.

Two phones, two TVs on at the same time running around. she had to bet the mec game let's go out to the mec game you know that's degenerate shit oh but the o tb i've never i've seen i've driven by o tbs and i've seen horror i've been to horse races and i've seen it at casinos but o tbs are wild to me because it's just like wild it's like the fourth wall are they still alive yeah i just drove by one i forget where it was maybe it was in pennsylvania somewhere will you want to see a casino yeah you take yourself you get on a nice plane and you go to fucking Eureka California and go to the casino there. That's where everybody comes in in a wheelchair with oxygen mask.

Oh, yeah. Some black guy pushing him, he's losing on the machine. The black jell is still in 20. It is a fuck. Eureka casino. I think you have to do two weeks there. I did one. You quit?

Yeah, after the first week. My mother died. I got to go back to Jersey. My mother died. I can't do this. I'm going to go back home. Really? I'm sorry.

You know, the guy's like, my regards. Fuck you, another week of this. Bro. Everybody that walked in there smoked four packs a day. Oh, yeah. There wasn't one non-smoker in there. If you went down there for breakfast, you're close. Fucking, you stood them up when you came up and took a shower.

It was just pure smoke. Everybody's dying. Everybody's got a fucking black card there. The doctor just gave an ace of spades and said, do your thing. Oh, my God. You got six weeks to live, motherfucker. That's where I go. Fuck, suck.

Drink spurn. do what you need to do. And I'm telling you, Eureka was, and I went there in 1995, 96. I lived in Seattle, and it was mind-boggling. I'm sure it hasn't changed it all.

A little better than S-O-T-B. A little bit better. A little better. I heard a guy yelling like, fuck that midget. Oh, yeah. On the Taurus, they were yelling, fucking, but this is 1995.

If you said midget, spick, nobody even turned their heads. Now these pussy, you said trigger. You're allowed to say whatever you want in it. I smoked one cigarette in my life. I don't go to casinos that don't have cigarettes. I love the smell of a cigarette in a casino.

You hear Sinatra, you feel like. You know what I'm saying? You feel it. Oh my God. Dude, it's a good thing we don't live in a place with a lot of casinos because I could spend every second in a casino. And don't they have them in Brooklyn? They have one in Harlem.

They're opening one. up right next to City Field. That's the one that just got approved. And they have one by the airport. By JFK, they have Resorts World. But it's like really out there. There's one by City Field you'll be able to take the train to.

And that's going to be a problem for me. No, no, not Westchester. Wherever is wherever is that, where is City Field and Westchester? Yeah, it's in Queens. It's right next to, it's going to be right, the guy who owns the Mets. Like it's partnering with Hard Rock,

where we just were. I love. And, And people get angry. Like, especially, like, if you, like, in L.A., I went to Commerce Casino a bunch of times. L.A. has some creepy casino. And people get mad at you.

Those Asians will kill you. Yeah. Don't go down there fucking with those Asians. No. And if, like, when you guys would, like, stay on 15, I got, like, in the dealer with, like, you got, you can't. Yeah, the lesbian in the next day was a little bit of, not upset with us, but she wasn't cool.

You can do whatever you want. But if you don't play by the book with, like, the, like the, from, China. Like, oh, they'll fucking yell. They'll get up and leave the table and curse you in Chinese. You've never seen the Commerce Casino. Bro, you could eat Chinese food from a cart as you play. Oh, it's the best.

They'll bring you a Kung Pai, but not even the shit from the restaurants. They bring you the shit that those primitive Chinese people, they don't call them to hang and lizards and shit. Oh. Think I'm fucking kidding you. There's one. You think I'm fucking kidding you. They don't fuck around.

That's a different style of Chinese because it's Chinese, Filipino. my mercy's godmother interviewed that. Conadoe. Conradal they offered it. And her and husband out of talking, we're going to gracefully resign. I'm not even taking the job. Wow.

Because it's all fucking Chinese men. Oh, I bet. It's heavy duty Chinese mom. We were just talking about the bicycle casino. One night, I forget if I was doing comedy yet or not, but I went through like different phases of playing blackjack in L.A.

One night I drove all the way down to the bicycle casino. I got to the parking lot. It was my like second or third time there. A dude in a jacket said no. It was like the FBI jacket. Like you can check it out in like 2017, 2018 and got raided for some sort of like fraud. And like it and like they opened a week later.

They don't fuck. And there was one. I went to in LA a lot over an Oxnard, which wasn't even a casino. It was just in like next to a car dealership and an RV dealership, they had poker and blackjack tables. That's it. I don't even think it was legal.

Oh, I love that you're doing with all these casinos. It's so much fun. There's nothing like, like, and that's why because poker is, I hate it. Because everyone's grumpy. No one's, because you're trying to beat each other. Blackjack is quick, bro.

It's quick. We're all on the same team. Once you get monopoly, when you start in the hotels, that's what you're going to start in the hotels. I want the three blue ones. That's it. I could negotiate and you can rent.

But once you're telling me to put hotels and stuff, that's where I get up and go, that's it. It's too long. Too much of investment. I got to sit here for eight hours to be Joe Marco Sini and own the skyline. Get the fuck out of here. I got two minutes. And that's why I like blackjack.

It's quick. I like roulette. Not roulette, the one-armed swordsman because it's quick. I only lost 40 bucks. I said, fuck that. I'm going to go over and play blackjack.

I play blackjack on draft king. Yeah. I did that today. I lost $100 bucks. When you got over the jersey? Oh, all the time. Is that before you took a shit in the bathroom? I didn't take a shit today.

I want to use nasty motherfuckers to take a shit. No. I don't take a shit when you gamble. You got all excited. No, you can't. I get so super stagged. I don't go to the bathroom when I gamble because every time I'll be doing great. And as soon as I take a piss and like my hands touch my dick, it does it's no good.

It's bad luck. You can't piss. You can't. Oh, I get real super. prestigious. Do you have anything weird like that? I'm like Chinese people standing behind me when I anything, anything. Every time a Chinese

person stood behind me, I've lost it all and then some. Yeah. Lost it all. And I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not prejudiced. I love Chinese people. I love Becky. I love. I eat that shit once a week. You know, I don't buy Chinese food from Spanish people. No. I buy it from Chinese people, so

I like them. I like Chinese people too, but that's, I don't Chinese women dealers can't fuck around with them because they're too fast. You need someone who's not really that good of their job. Where were we? We were just somewhere and the dealer was a little bit retarded. Remember it was like a kid's first day.

It was like a chobier version of me. Oh, that night. We went to, yeah, Fort Lauderdale. The first night they gave. He was in the Florida of Virginia or some of the Maryland. It was an autistic plan. He came out there and we couldn't beat him because he knew numbers. 10 million autistic people.

It was his first day. It was his first day. And that's where you can make money is they make a little bit of a mistake. Dude, oh, I have so. And, like, people go to casinos to, like, get drunk and hook up. I've no, fuck that. I'll go down and sweatpants and a t-shirt and... You're a businessman.

You ain't got time to fucking, fucking... That's what I was telling you. But when you add excitement to it and your friends and... It doesn't matter if you lose a hundred bucks. You're yelling with your people. The waitress is coming over with water drinks. You get a headache. Unless you go to the bar

And even then it's watered down Those casinos, they milk you the debt I did two shots of tequila Nothing happened Oh Jesus Christ Nothing they hold the whole fucking thing Everybody's Everybody's licking lemons nothing

Two shots I got more drunk off to Heineken for four minutes Then the edible took over And you don't have anything to drink On these planes I don't know me I don't drink As soon as we get on these planes

And they have free alcohol I have to have at least two drinks. I wish I could drink because by the time we would have gotten to Tampa, we would have had a crawl in. Oh, yeah. Just think about if I drank, all you motherfuckers got to drink. I don't care if it's done in the morning or not. We're getting fucked up. This is Burke Chrysie style.

This is the highway to hell. Yeah. I took tequila shots and we had fucking, oh, chicken colored sandwich. That's what it was. Oh. That was the worst. I ate chicken cutlets anymore from us. Only George and my wife,

and I'm trying to tell my wife not to cook them anymore either. Because George is so good at the chicken cutlet world. But this shit is the store, I'm telling you. I'm telling you, go to a deli, these Italian places. They can't wait to put the Mutsidel on there, and the roasted red peppers and the balsamic, and everything tastes good,

but something just ain't right in that fucking thing. You're like, I'm tasting somebody's freezer. It's Purdue. Like, if you go to a bodega in the city, it's all the same. It's like the pre-bredded, they don't make it there. It's like they buy it from their supplier. How disgusting.

It's, yeah, no, and that's, that's why Georgia's taste good. If you can tell it's fresh. I don't care if it's got steroids in it to chicken. No, they all have... I'll keep eating chickens like grow a wing. I'll grow a wing. That's steroids. Nothing happens to you.

But it's just crazy that, you know, part of my job that I really like, I mean, I'm a fat fuck. But part of my job that I really enjoy is that I get to go across. the country, and at least try one restaurant. You know, you have no idea what that means to me. I'm not going to show up at a coffee shop and go, oh, my God, we went to this cute little cafe in Rome. It's not going to happen in my world. I want to see what America had to offer.

By me touring all those years, bro, I had some great fucking meals and places that, you know, if you go to Denver, you want to slice a pizza, you're done. No. You're done, bro. Why would you do that? Especially if you're from here. Let's go to Texas.

Let's get a pizza pot. There ain't nothing in Texas either. This is it. And you try to be prejudiced and you try to be honest. You know, but this is it. This is as good as it gets. You're going to get some pizza on the road that is so bad. And then there are people from New Jersey.

Look at me and go, this is so bad. Why'd you order it? Why'd you fucking order it? You knew. Look at the guy making. His name is Juan. He never even been to Jersey or New York. So now you get what you fucking, you know.

But man, like if you eat the shit from the region Like the first time I went to Texas An alligator I felt so fuck I bombed that night But I didn't give a fuck Because I did something different Being from this area

We don't do shit Everything's the same We're gonna Florida Let's go to Atlantic City I don't love Florida The flowers are fucking dump You saw it You saw half those people

What they look like They're fucking the skin's gone It's like an alligator You know They're like all alligators The women tattoos They're all chubby The one that I swathe

spit with at the ball was chubby with a little fucking frog on his stomach and shit. Oh, Jesus. I want to kiss you. I don't want to kiss you, but she was so nice. She gave me a pain fucking pill. Oh, gee, I missed that. I was up. Did you really? Oh, fuck yeah. She called me all night long.

Take a fucking oob. I didn't take it. Listen. I'm too old. By the time I get there, I don't even have a dick that gets up anymore. Like I said on stage, I don't even jerk off no more because I'm scared to what's going to come out. I'm 63. It can be blood. They could be fucking some purple shit. Oh my God.

It could be clear. When I do come, it's not like a gallon anymore. It's like for a thirsty midget. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just enough to fucking quench his thirst. His thirst. Yeah. Her thirst.

I don't know. No, it's okay. No one's judging you here. Oh, my God. She was a chubby little cute girl. She's like, let's make out. Fuck it. Okay.

I swapsed it. Whatever. You had a shot of tequila. Yeah. No, yeah. I'm not blaming on tequila. Okay. I'm one of those faggots.

I had tequila. I didn't have tequila. I knew exactly what I was doing. I even told my wife. She was like, what? She said, I was just the one time.

She wanted to kiss me. What do you want from me? She's like, Jesus, guys. I'm 63. I can be dead tomorrow. I go wake up tomorrow and morning and just die. So if I could make out a little chubby chick one time in Florida,

what the fuck? She didn't give me a sore throat since she wasn't with a dick sucker. Oh, thank God. Look at her. And the other girl, she was, man.

She was trying to fuck Mike Roney. She had tits coming out of her shirt. She was the ugliest thing you ever saw in your life. She kept telling Mike, I'll take you up to the room now. And Mike's like, my wife is dead. You know what I'm saying? I ain't going to know. And my wife died.

I don't want nobody in my room. Did you see him? He left all pissed off trying to suck my dick. Really? It is. Loud. She had like eight guys surrounding her, and then they would have cocktails and see what she really looked like and died.

But the chubby one was cute. She came with blue stuff on or something? She had a fucking Madonna thing on. Oh, my God. She had a little gut, and she had a tattoo of a snake of somewhere. It looked like... It used to be a frog, but it turned into a snake. Whatever.

But listen, man, when I used to do that stupid joke? I take that seriously. You know, every once in a while you get, like, a little ugly chick. She wants to give you a kiss. You're not going to tell her she's ugly. You're going to give her kiss because you're a Christian. You understand? And Christ sees that type of stuff.

He's like, you kiss the chubby girl, Joey. It could be considered a cheat, but not really. You didn't go home with her. Nothing happened. I just swapped with her one time. Did you see how happy she was? She wanted me to take her home. And, you know, she's done.

But I was like, you know, I'm a man. You like making a person's day. He's always liked making a person's day. I got nothing against making it. Listen, if you want to cheat on your wife, that's your business. But if you bump into a blowjob, God wanted to make your day. I've never in my life. Life bump in the stairs right here, some chickens on the bottom going,

ha, ha, ha, ah. You're going to tell him I'm married? No, I'm going to take the blowjob and then say a prayer because Jesus wanted it in your path. If Jesus don't want it in your path, he won't put it there. Dude, there was one time where I did, and it was years ago that I bumped into a blowout but didn't even realize it until it was like hours later. I was at, but it wasn't even doing comedy. I went to the stratosphere.

And it was right after I broke up in L.A. and I went up, they have like the bar that overlooks all of Vegas and I went up and as I was leaving this like 40, 50 year old lady was like hammered walking out with her friend and like I don't want to suck a dick tonight and like but I was like shocked

and I couldn't I annoy. I was like I hope you have fun like it was not anything but I've never once bumped into a blowjob I feel very comfortable when I speak to a girl with 25 I feel comfortable and safe.

I talk to a girl who's 35. I feel comfortable and safe. When I talk to a woman who's 42 and she's a single mom, I feel very comfortable and safe, but you don't know what life is. So you run into a 55-year-old divorcee with nothing but pussy.

Her kids are gone from the house, and she's ready to suck dick. She don't care about AIDS. That's why these people in the homes, all those old people, the STDs are higher than that, but that's fucking for life now. It don't matter. I'm fucking you with a cigarette in my mouth.

I'm fucking you with an asbestos, suit on, you know. Women I've had the hardest time ever, like I talk. I talked. I went to cousins. I went to cousins, not on a Thursday night. First time I went out in central Jersey, I went to Astairea on a Thursday.

I were friends of mine from North Bergen. And I couldn't believe the amount of women and the size of them and the outfit stay. I don't know. No, this is. I don't think you're talking about the height. This ain't fucking funny. The restaurant was.

was so good that I told my wife, let's go back next week and some neighbors came with us. And that was also a Thursday night. And I'm sitting, like the bar where we sit, where we ate, if you look at that side, there's a long table, two long tables. I was sitting in a four-man table, but I'm looking at 12 Godzilla's. All Italian, all with leopard suits on, not one of them goes to yoga, not one of them. Again, I'm not here to criticize nobody. mental of criticizing. I said, Joey,

you were raised by a mom who was buckwater. Okay? How dare you? Think that way. They're women, they're divorced. They gave up two daughters already. They raised two kids or three boys. They went to softball games.

They went to football games. The husband left for the fucking secretary. What are they going to do? Sit at home and eat meatballs? Fuck, no. They're going to polish that pussy. They go to a place in Red Bank where it does your pussy. over again? You think I'm lying to you. I've heard this from a woman at the gym.

Faginal rejuvenation. It's even better. It takes the old skin out, sperm. You're a virgin. 48 hours. You're a virgin. The pussy's brand new. They all do it at 50. And how can I, you know, listen, man. Well, you can't get pregnant? Might as well? That was a girl about a year ago that I know she's older. She was hammed. There was a point where she had me against a wall this close at Austria and everybody was looking. And I was like, what the fuck? And she's like, I'm going to leave in 10 minutes, call me.

And I'm like, lady, I would love to give you a stabbing. But I'll go to hell. That's number one. But, bro, when I went out a half hour later, she was still outside in her car waiting for me. I can't give her an old dick. I'm going to stick it in it. It's going to come in two minutes. Remember, I'm going to point now it just comes.

It doesn't even come. It just stops. We just look at each other. Everything all right. Yeah. I'm not going to assist my wife has to deal with that because we've been married for 25 years. But you take a grown woman home and you give it three minutes a dick. You're going to be a laughing stock.

You're going to be on every fucking riddle. What's that thing that people talk about? They see you taking a picture and they write about you. Riffle, rifle, whatever the fuck it is. But that, listen, man. I do what you're talking about. I got to, I got to. Where you go to talk about people and everybody jumps in.

Oh, Reddit? Reddit. Reddit. There we go. Yeah. And you look at these women. That would be fucked. George,

if your mother was still alive for this, she'd still be a fucking knockout wearing her bowers. Am I lying, George? With her fee-feet, with heels not given zero fucks. There's something about a woman. I can't get mad at, but trying to be beautiful.

We were sitting at the table. Tell George the kid's mother who came up to us from the fucking, number one, number three draft. Oh, yeah? In baseball. But he didn't even come.

We didn't go up to her. We didn't go. She came over to us. And was like, hey, just so you know, grandson, first run. My son. Oh, but Nana was there too. She came and she was good looking. She had a baseball hat on, but she still had it.

The grandmother had to be 65. Was she not dialed up to the 9s? I can't get mad at you. No, they're fine. It cannot get mad at you. There's a 65-year-old man sitting there. I don't know. My wife died eight years ago.

I don't know what to do. They're ready to give it up. Those girls, it's no prerequisite. You got a heartbeat. They don't want to get remarried. Listen, they don't want to get remarried. They don't want to do nothing. They just want a companion, and they want to fuck.

And you know what? If you don't make the money they do, at that age, they got enough money from their ex-husband. Oh. They're dangerous. Oh. These women, look, a guy's looking. I probably saw what's his name the other day.

He's a handsome motherfucker. He's 64. Who's that? The bass player. from Guns and Roses, duff with the blonde hair. Oh, yeah. He's a bit of him and his wife. I'm like, this guy, every two nights he's on the road,

playing, running back and forth with fucking slash. That's 64. That means we're extending. At 64, you were like Archie Bunker. Every father in America was Archie Bunker. That's crazy. He was like, what, 40 during that show? He was 48 during that show.

That's how bad we looked at 40 in the 70s. At 40, you had one foot in the grave. Yeah. I ain't more. You know, Miss Jalen Williams, whatever's name. It's from the Boston Celtics. Hey, Jason Tatum. Name me an athlete that's come back from that injury in seven months.

That's not because he's better than you. That's because he's got a million dollars of support on him. Oh, yeah. They do the PAPE every day, PDP, you got people stretching you, you got peptides, you got steroids, you got milk, you got water. You know, and the NBA gets the best. Oh, they have to. They're worth too much money.

What are we talking about? These women will take PT-141. You know it affects men. but it's also for women, for arousal. I told you, motherfuckers, if you have a dad, he's single, he wants to sling dick, don't, listen, Viagra's great. It works together with, like that blue chew has two things in it, the new one, works together with that fuck.

I can't believe we're talking about this on the year, but I want to school young kids because 40-year-olds have any deep problems now. 35-year-olds are having a deep problem now. I have a joke about it. I'm telling you. It's weird when it starts. It's very weird.

Because in your 20- start when you're 55. Well, there's a difference between, like, dead dick and, like, it's starting to, like, you can see that dead dick is in your future. Listen, the thing that fucked my dick up was all those years of cocaine, because you can't bring them back. Once it's over, it's over. It goes in the skin.

Only the turtleneck, like, my dick is, like, uncircumcised or the wind flap would just hang out of the hole. The dick would go in like a turtle. You could see it's all going over here. Yeah. I mean, when you do coke and shit, but when I was 36 straight dick, I'd give you for 10 minutes without even looking to flip you over, smack you, you pull your hair, make you play with your monkey

and put my dick in your mouth and fucking, you know, all that. I was letting thaw. That's what you're into. That's what you're into. So you have to have the fucking momentum. Well, I couldn't do a tenth of that when I was 50. A tenth of that.

Just with no help. With no help. I just started having problems. I was maybe 58, 59. After the move, you know, you stress, whatever. And I was like, this is not good. it. It doesn't happen often,

but it's happened. At least I'm honest. And this is, I look to help it. I'm not looking to fuck people. I'm not looking to sling dick, but the biggest fear, remember the Sopranos?

What's the biggest fear in life? But when they took that Jew and they turned to cut off his dick, because there's no man on earth that wants to be in this planet without a dick. No. Even if you don't get pussy,

it's a nice option to hold your dick. Wait till you fucking take your bag out from the side and empty that with a chunk of shit. That'll remind you, it's kind of. kind of nice to hold your dick and see the piss flow out of it. And, you know, even if you get a hard on just to bang one out and you get all dizzy and shit, that's fine. I still get yelled at sometimes.

And I don't even mean to. If I'm staying at home watching TV in like gym shorts, my hand goes in there. I'm not jerking off. No, me too. I'm scratching walls. Sniffing fingers. You know what I'm saying? It's going deep in the nuts.

Actually, what needs work? Maybe I've got to put some more soap under this crease. You know what I'm saying? Something. but you know, there's just things that it's happening to younger people now. Dude, it happened to me in my 20s. Like, even before, like, right as I met you.

And it was like a heaviness thing. It also was a mental thing, I think. And, but I will say this, there have been a couple of times where, like, I think my, my dick knew that I wasn't supposed to be with that person. Like, there were a couple women that even I'm like, it had been a while and I was like, okay, I'll do it.

And I'm not saying I was not good looking at all either. But there, A couple of times, I think my dick was trying to save me, I think. There's a chick on Instagram, a black chick, that is hilarious. She comes on there and she goes, married guys, guys with relationships. Are you suffering from me, D, this, discomfort, this. You need a new woman. You need a new piece of ass.

Because that's how you try. If your dick is dying, just go to a regular ratty strip club. And if those chicks can't get the party started, which I don't want. want them to touch me anyway. Right. But if you go to a strip club to try out what I'm telling you, the story I'm quitting, there's glory, no more rock anyway.

I actually, in the last couple weeks, I made like a decision and I hate it, but it's changed. My dick has never been better because I'm... You're in love. No, it's not because of that. Well, I'm done jerking off.

Very good. You can't, I... I did it. Dude it. There were times where I would do it... Hurting off and porn destroy you. Yeah. Especially if you want longevity.

a better nut. They're talking about the damages of porn now. I never watched porn. In fact, Sergio Otega sent me the Hells and Angels book, the one by the famous writer last week. But I thought the book, you know, it was a paperback.

Everything in the 70s, 60s was a paperback. I get the package. It's fucking huge. I open it up. Sergio dumped three playboys from the 70s on me. He's the guy who had Felicia's playboy, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bro, he's been on the church.

Yeah, since the beginning. 2010. He's been with us. Great kid, great family. He sends me in his pawns. I hit him back and go, you jerk off in these things yet? He goes, no, I bought him in a yard sale.

I goes, Jesus Christ. I opened it up, dog, and I almost got pregnant. There was a whole dust in there. It was that base sperm. I almost got my son. I was feeling my stomach, my titties. But those tits from the fucking 70s, women are completely different

in those playboys. But my point. was that beside that Playboy Hollywood had this and I have, I've never had that. I don't, I always feel shitty when I have to masturbate. The only time it feels good is when you call a freak and it's going to cost you money and she's on her way and you bang one on.

You don't call her back, listen, I'm pulling her to sleep. I'll save the Coke for myself. Oh my God. And I know we've all done that at one time or another. The bitch is playing with you. I'm a generos. We're leaving now. All right. You're at home putting Cologne on your nuts and shit. Where are you?

Well, leaving Hoboken now. All right. And so you're like, fuck this. You're like, fuck this. And you bang one out. And she's like, I'm close. Forget it. I'm going to bed.

Click. It's over. I'm surprised you just didn't like not. I used to do all that craziness. Right. But somewhere along the line from when I moved here, one night it was very shocking. It was like a shock.

Like I was fucking embarrassed. Like it was. Oh. And I went on line and started looking. I was like, wait a second. I do too much legwork. I do too much strength work to not have. I saw when I started deadlifting when I was 49,

the dick I was inflicting. Because the fucking squats and the fucking... The dick you inflict when you do... Listen, when you do those... What do you call those? Dead lifts? Dead lifts, yeah. The dick you inflict.

Because that thing destroys everything. When you do dead lips, your central nervous system gets it. It's fucking... You could see it. You have a whoop, do four sets of deadlifts with 120 pounds and come eight of them. And come saying, it's nothing. Right. It weighs nothing under 20 pounds.

No, I remember from when I was doing kettlebells with Irish. But you just do eight of those times four and get back to me. You will need a nap. In the middle of that nap, you will get a hard-on-on-at-Hoodini couldn't fucking pop out of the grave. In the middle of that nap, you're going to get woken up, and your dick is going to be so hard. It's going to hurt with veins in it that you can't even jerk off. be like, Jesus, what is this? It's those fucking dead lips.

That's what it is. Yeah. You cannot put that shit together. So I went back to, you know, and I started looking at Viagra and all that stuff. Somebody gave me 100% Viagra from a pharmacy. That shit don't work. No? If I popped 200, my heart's going to blow up.

So I was dropping 150 like none. And I didn't like two blue shoes on the side. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, because I pop blue shoes. The minty ones are delicious. Do you take... They are actually really good. But do you ever take...

Dude, at my age, I take a blue chew and it's like, let's have fun. It's 25 minutes. It's 20, it's only 25 milligrams, but it's 15 minutes. No, it lasts. You eat four or five of those motherfuckers? She's passed out and I'm still fucking back. You're passed out. Four or five, dude.

If I take one to last me 72 hours. If what? If I eat one blue chew, it lasts like it's, like it's 20-year-old dick for like 72 hours. You add that with PT-141. For anybody who needs PT-141, look what it does to you. There's another sexual one, but Pt1. 141 has been around since 1970. If you need it, you look down by me, go to ultimate nutrition,

and ask for my brother, Justin. He'll hook you up. You'll be having hard-ons at cousins. You'll be hitting people in the face, you know what I'm saying? You ever walk up to a bitch and go, you want to dance? No. Ba! You're sitting with your dick right in the fucking eye.

See what happens then. How you like me now? I'm 63 with a PT-141 dick. Oh, my God. You know what I'm saying? When my dick gets hard, it says 141 on it on the side. You, Biento Airlines. I love how into these peptides you are.

Like, you start telling people about these. I got it. Because why would I be greedy and save it for myself? And then one day I died of a hard-on. That's bad karma. So I rather spread the love. I want everybody in Jersey to get fucking tremendous heart on. This summer in Belmar, you shoot that one PT-41.

You shoot it in your dick? No, you're shooting in your stomach on your arm, three or four hours, but it's better for the next morning. So if you shoot it at night, When that bitch wakes up to dick, it's going to be horror. You're just going to wake her up. Hello? Well, how do you feel this morning?

Wait one second. And they just bust the dick you give them. And that ain't coming. It's just a straight up helmet. That thing don't come. They come and then you got to take a breather and watch them recoup and shit. Oh, that was tremendous. Let's take a breather right now.

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The vampire, the vampir. We're back, Jack. Anyway, I forgot all about it. When we were in Tampa, one of my eight-grade teachers came to the fucking show. Okay? He was 80. I haven't seen him, and he didn't act 80. He did not act 80.

He had to be, if I'm 163, he couldn't have been 17 when I was born. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, he was 80. And he looked great. He was sharp. You know, I've been telling everybody about this dude for years. People are like, what the fuck are you talking about? He was a mayor in Wehawken, and he was the eighth grade teacher.

And then at some point in the eighth grade, he got arrested and charged with all this shit. And I lost contact with it. But after all the doodling in the shit, I came home maybe in 91. I was a little bit more clear. I had done my time. I had a daughter. And I had somebody in Northburg. Like, what's going on in Wally Lindsay?

Like, he's out of jail. I go get me his number. Nobody had his number. Your grandfather, nobody had his fucking number. And then one day, somebody texted me. He got, he was number. And I called him as I was going from North Bergen into Fairview on Kennedy Boulevard

and whatever that is right there. And I called him right from that light. When I got the number, I was like, I'm going to call this motherfucker right now. And when I called him, I think he was in a law office. And he answered the phone. and he was very, oh, Cocoa, motherfucker, eighth grade, Turk Jordan, you know,

and he's like, oh, shit, I can hear him go outside, and he was like, how you doing? I'm really in shock about you calling me. What's the problem? There ain't no problem, man. You were a great teacher to me. You were fucking great. Why, I can't call you?

He didn't know nothing about comedy. He heard I did time. Do you mean 91 or 2001? Ninety one. 93, maybe? You must have just started comedy? I think he started comedy. Yeah, it was a little later.

You're right. It was like 2000. I came back and I called him and he did not know I got into comedy. And how are you doing? I didn't say nothing. I was like, I'm just a regular comedian, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know. And then I kept in touch with him.

Like every three years, something would happen. He called me or I call him. And then once I came here, I go, now I could turn this motherfucker on with him, you know? Because you, I would never, the way you guys were interacting, I thought you saw him every time he went down there. Like I said, you know, we had Barone down here a couple weeks ago. We're talking about my daughter in her school and how the teachers, that doesn't exist no more. What I had from that guy doesn't exist anymore. They're the type of teachers that they knew if your mom beat your dad.

They knew if your dad was an alcoholic. They knew if you didn't want to go home to your family. family. That's who you went to. You didn't go to your fucking guidance counselor. You went to the eighth grade teacher, seventh grade teacher. These guys know everything about you. It wasn't just, what about your books today? You know, that shit wouldn't have worked in Northburg. It wouldn't have fucking worked. And the people that tried doing that shit got shipped out or somebody beat them up. And you know, that's it. Teachers got beat up in Horace Mann all the time. When I was young, people would get beat their shit out of in Lincoln. Those Lincoln dudes, you couldn't look at them wrong. You could

not look at them wrong. Franklin had its problems. McKinley. I saw a couple people hit teachers and shit like that, but dog, I saw Louis Zaldivar clocked Leo Gatoni in the head almost knocked them out in the basement. Elizabeth was too. He just went up to him and said, you got to go to the office. Boom.

He came to the show in Fort Lauderdale. I called him the Russian. That's the memory I said to him. I go tell him how you punched Mr. King on the head in the seventh grade and almost knocked him out. Who punches a teacher in the head? But regardless of that world, they were your friend.

You could pull them out the way out. They would tell you to you. Dog, come here. What's going on? You've been getting 80s all year. Now you drop two 60s on me, sit down and close the door. What's going on? What's going on at home?

You need money for groceries. It was a different animal. You know, it was a different. Coaches drove you home from CYO basketball. One in the morning, they're driving eight kids home. Make a right, make a left, coach. You know, they drove you to your fucking mother's door. I still remember the coach driving me one night.

He didn't play me. He didn't play me. And he had to sit with me now. And I would usually start on this team. He didn't play me, St. Michael. I remember him and I in the bottom, him telling me why he didn't start me for that game. People don't do that today because your parents go down there.

Why my little Timmy's not fart? Well, he can't dribble the fucking ball. You know, he can't jump. I gave much. He can't fight. He's like that dude in full metal jacket. He can't do nothing. The tubby do.

Private pile. Private pile. He can't do nothing. You know, what, you know, they talk to you, man. And I don't know about you. You didn't get an F. Right. They pushed you.

They would even say, you that fucking stupid. These kids today would melt. But they would ask you, you that fucking stupid. You want me to put your remedial reading? And then they pull your side later and go, hey, about before, I'm sorry. Because a bigger man, bigger mistake, you apologize. I said, I'm sorry. But, bro, what's going on with you?

I know you could do it. better than this. I know. You're out there on Sundays with Vinny fucking knowing all the fucking signals and shit. How do you not know fucking a paragraph? Come on, man. And that pushes you a little bit. Okay, you see I got something. You just told me I got something. I'm going to try. And I don't know about you. I had a lot of great female teachers and I'm not saying anything against female teachers, but I had a couple, one specifically, my fourth grade teacher was like an older dude and and I thought he was a cool. As a guy, I don't know, as a guy I connected with them on a different level.

Again, some of the best teachers, I'm not saying anything against the female teachers. But there's not a lot of men teachers anymore, I don't think. At least not where I grew up. I don't know what's going on then, but I was fortunate enough to be around. Listen, not every teacher is going to be good. For every great teacher that I had, Mr. Teranova, Mr. Barone, Mr. Levito, Mr. fucking, you know, you had these teachers that stuck out on your mind that after you, when you're 25,

you want to walk back to the high school and go, hey, man, I took that class because you told me to take it. What teacher doesn't want to hear that? What coach doesn't want to hear that? I did this because of you seven years ago. Thank you. Yeah.

That guy knows it's a cycle now. I'm on to something. I'm on. Do you ever hear about Mr. Lee? He lived next door to your grandpa. Listen to me. The biggest fucking heart. on you ever met your life.

Crew cut and everything. Kids had crew cuts. One of those families, okay? He was something. He was an asshole. I went there, Rob. The case of beer, I put in my locker, and he came, he goes, I'm going to open it.

I'm going to have a fucking problem. I disrespect to them in the worst way ever. Mr. Lee was not a bad guy. He was just serious. Joe, you got beer in there. We can't have this. I got beer in here or none. None of your fucking business.

Get a warrant. You know, warrant. He never spoke. to me again. And I did a robbery and I slipped my hand open. I was broke. Walking around Northbury, I go, let me go see Uncle Vinny or Mike. I would

go to high school. When you're a loser, where do you go? You go to high school and see your old teacher. Hey, how you're doing? You still got your M.B. Brewing Jacket on. Yeah. You know, you're little I won the Eagles championship in 73. Yeah. Like, you know, but you still go up there. I would see kids up there all the time.

And I had this bandage on my hand. And I went down to the training room. And Mr. Lee was walking by. This is six years after our altercation. He wasn't, I wasn't even in high school. And something made him go, what's wrong with your hand? I cut it last night. And he goes, let me take a look like it's still bleeding, you know.

Went into the fucking room where the kids would tape you and put heat on your balls and all that shit when you didn't make the right defensive playing football. Like, if you didn't make the right defensive playing football, they would pick you up that 77 and before that, we were scared to go to high school. They would pick you up, put you in the fucking men's training room, duck you up with tape, tape you to the table

and put fucking red-hot on your balls and shit, and leave you in there, lock the light and shit. For one bad play? Welcome to North Bergen. Jesus Christ. And it wasn't the coach. It was the other players that were like, no, that can't. That can't happen again.

I don't know why the band gay had to go on the balls. Because that's part of it. You remember not to fucking make that play again. somebody puts Begeny on your balls and tells you to pay the rent on the first every month you'll have it there on the 31st. Yeah. You're saying so.

Oh my God. He asked me. He was just me and him. And for like six minutes, he didn't say a word. He just took the bandage off, looked at my hand, and he goes, move your fingers.

I moved my fingers. This one couldn't move. And he goes, about a month ago, somebody was asking me, if I had to treat somebody I didn't like. I had to think about that. And today I got the answer. walked in here. And he was talking to me like a doctor, but telling me how much he hated me at the

same time, which is fucking brilliant. And after a while, I said, hey, Mr. Lee, why don't we put this behind us? Put this behind this. I was a fucking kid. Yeah, it was 1978. It was a fucking kid. My mother had just died. Who knows why we had this argument? But I'm very sorry. He gave me his number. We went out to hashways that day. We left the gym with the hashways. I had like inglagetary lunch. And for a year, I called him. He lived right next year. And I would tell you, Grandpa, guess he's talking to me? Mr. Lee? And he said, I heard. Like, everybody was in shock that Mr. Lee was talking to me. I called him for about a year and a half, then he died. He died, but he was a good guy. And even that, six years, a teacher, that's not a lesson you learn in a book. And that's the

lessons we were learning early on that my daughter will never learn from her teachers. You don't think she has a, like a... She's got two teachers. She told me the other day, my daughter's on a fucking different level. She looked me and my wife in the face the other day, and she goes, you know what? People ask me all the time,

the best white rice is Cuban white rice. I go, what are you talking about? She goes, Cuban white rice is better than any other white rice every bad in my life. She asked my wife, goes, I don't feel that way. She asks me, I go, I'm Cuban. I don't fucking feel that way. She goes, no, no, no.

The Cubans make the rice a little different. better than Chinese, better than moms, better than everybody. And she goes, Dad's wine when you tell me to take me up there, I take the ride with you. So she's got to teach her to Puerto Rican. She was telling me all about a Friday night of dinner. She goes, Dad, I talked to my teacher, the Puerto Rican one. And I asked her, isn't Cuban rice better than Puerto Rican rice?

And she's like, yeah, it is. And Mercy's like, but you got to go up north for it. And he's like, yeah. That's amazing. I don't know why I told you that story, but. Because she has a connection with a teacher. Yeah, it's a connection with. And then there's another teacher, a music teacher.

And Mercy tells her band she listens to it. She's like, Mercy, I can't believe you listen to that. I can't, you know. But everybody else, like, she had a teacher that was giving a D's. Some other teacher that won't talk to her. You know, it's not. Like, when we left high school, we went home with a story dog. Did you hear what happened at third period?

Oh, my God. Spanish guy stepped on Mr. T's shoes, and he told him to get the spick whoop-de-dos off his foot. you know, and you fucking remember that shit. You would never cut that teacher. That teacher never got cut. Nobody had the audacity to cut him because it was 45 minutes. It was 43 minutes of straight fucking laughter.

You walked in, you sat down, he went in the mirror, opened it, and he would comb his eyebrows and then go, and start with that. And then you sit down and go, attendance. Nikki Escalis, boom, boom, Nikki, get up. Where'd you get those shoes from? Spider-Man. And he-

Lee, get up. You're still Jewish today. Sit out. You know, he would just go through the class. He would just go through the whole list. He would just go through the whole class. Hey, look at you. Where'd you get that haircut?

Looking good. Don't come into class tomorrow if you have that haircut. You know, put on white socks. That was his, he hated colored socks too. Put on white socks tomorrow. It's a great way to get your attention. And then there was a chick that had big feet. The name was Habba.

No, that's not what her name. She was the only Arab. She was the only Arab and there was her and a couple Indian girls. One of the Indian girls, they fucked her on Country Day. And there was never, or whatever anymore. North Bergen High used to have a day on a Thursday. No school.

You went behind the high school. They had games. Food trucks. Not food trucks, but you know. And you went back there. It was called Field Day. And the reason why Field Day was canceled because Dickie Thomas got caught fuck some,

got caught fucking a little Indoo girl in the boys' bathroom. They're right in front of the principal's teacher. Right there. The principal's office right there's two bathrooms right there. So they canceled that, you know. But everybody. Right in the bathroom. In the bathroom?

What are you going to take it to the four-star for four seasons? I don't know. You're fucking 16. You barely got a dollar from your father to eat lunch. What are you going to think? You take it to the bathroom behind the church? Your mother has an extra car. Where are you fucking those days when you're 13, 14, 15?

I have no idea. Okay, then. Me neither. Not like I was having orgies every fucking day, you know. but it's such a different world and I'm very grateful because I could tell you a bunch of shit I can tell you all the bullshit you guys won't hear

but it was all these little teachers that believed in me at the end and a couple people from North Bergen that when I would get down it would push me through I had a guy from the projects had a guy from North Bergen project you know who it's

fucking sanitation work on North Bergen and he went out of his way one night to call me and say, hey man, I got your number from a friend of mine. I just want to tell you, I was watching Colcase tonight. You got it, kid. I'm like, what are you talking about? You're a fucking DPW working from North Bergen. And he's like, brother, you got it.

I'm really proud of you. And he just said some things I was like, that's a dude from the project. That dude never had a dime. He worked hard all his life. I remember that dude. Today, I talk to his daughters because of what he said to me. He's down to nowhere? daughters. Yeah, I knew him for years, but he never said that to me. He never saw me in action.

That's awesome. So when he saw it, he just put the TV on on a Sunday night and saw it, and the next day he was on the phone with me. That meant more to me. I was a horrible actor. But just as somebody noticed me that I grew up with and said, hey, man, you're on the right path. Especially after people were talking shit about you for bad stuff. Till today, I tight with his daughters, who are my nieces? Because there was, what that man said to me. That's the type of type. I'm old school, dog.

I'm not gonna fucking, I don't wanna hang out, you know. You got your people, they take care of you, you take care of them. That's it. But those are the people that got me through, man. His grandfather,

like, I didn't want to keep coming back at being a loser. I told his grandfather, when she goes, where are you going? This is where you go, Buffalo. That's the asshole of the world. Yeah. And I'm like, fuck, Mr. Hey.

He had a fucking compliment for any date I had because they were all, that's where you start in hell, you know. Schenectady and fucking Poughkeepsie and he's like Poughkeepsie you're never going to make it to Broadway You're reading off my tour list by the way

Lee that was everybody's tallest at one time year and I love it I'm not complaining a bit but it's just funny all the cities you're like I did that last year I did that a week ago Peksy was the all time worst weekend in the country Am I lying to? I think George had to bring me

fucking food one day oh it's good now dog listen yeah it was a hotel and a gas station. They didn't have like New Age, no coconut water. It was potato chips, chip, and those frozen burritos. And they put you in the basement, which was very nice if you were doing Coke. The windows are up here. You'd have to jump up and look out the window.

But it was cold down there. And then you walk out because they were only booked slugs like me in January or February. You know, what are you doing fucking gypsy in January? in January of February. You walk out, you look, you go to the gas station, get a bag of Doritos, and that's breakfast.

There's a place called a tornado lounge in, it's called something. You have Seattle, and then you have the west side of Washington, and they call it the three cities or something. It's one city in Oregon, and two cities.

It's one of them where Idaho State was, when I called it back. No, no, no, no. It's not even that deep. But they called it to try. cities. Okay. It's called,

I forget the name of the thing. And, bro, when you looked it up in the back of comedy magazines, it was real room. Okay. And it booked Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and you had to drive from Seattle about three hours. And fucking, the first time I went, dug that hotel, they gave me 30% off. You didn't even want 30% of it. It was so bad. The hamburger smelled like feet the first time I went.

Hysterical. And I didn't have a car. I had to, like, eat cereal and shit from the thing. It was horrible. The second time I went to food was horrible also But I met a chick that had a thousand of those things on her back tattoos No those fucking things that come out of you

I have one on my stomach Oh hernia No the fucking What? What do you have a belly button? What are you talking about? I'm just gonna have 30 hernias on hernias on her back Oh Lee you're a fucking character

You know a sister what do you have Tags Oh skin tag Jesus Christ This girl was fucking beautiful came up to me. We talked, blah, blah, blah. First night she was there with a girlfriend.

I'm here on weekend. We're going to tour the Tri-Cities. She was from some part of Idaho, but she was fucking smoking. What's getting taxed though? I didn't know this at first. I didn't know this until I made out with her, and I touched, and there was like a thousand bugs on her back.

And I was like, what the fuck is that? And listen to me. How did you not see her back? I swapped with her on the weekend. Immediately you didn't see her back once? Listen, I swapped with her over the weekend. weekend. This is 1990. This is the summer. I'm leaving for L.A. in January. And this has to be like November. So I meet her. We start talking. We exchange numbers. We swap spit. And then I went back to Seattle.

She went back to her halftown. And then I was talking to one then and I go, I want to San Francisco to do a punchline openly. I'm going to drive down one of my friends. But he canceled. as we were talking. And she called me back. She goes, are you going to still going to go? You're going to come meet me? I can't go because my car's fucked up. And my buddy can't go because his wife.

And she goes, how about I drive you? That's how this happened. So I just made out with her. Now we're in the car. We drive six hours. We're having a great time. We go eat dinner. And all of a sudden we go back to the room.

We start making out. His shirt comes off and it's a thousand fucking tags on the back door. Listen, I'm no fucking. Tip Top McGoo type of motherfucker. I was like bugs were all over her back. Oh my God. And they were getting stuck on my fingers and shit. I'm like, no.

And she was hot. You kept going? Huh? You kept going? The first night, I had to do what I had to do. You know what I'm saying? It's like a chick with a mustache. You got to do what you got to do, you know what I'm saying?

Was she paying for the room? No, I paid through the room. Okay. Once I saw the bug, like once the bugs hit me and she and I stayed away, when I picked her up, she had a couple on her ass, and that was it for me because I want to, if I spank that ass,

one of those mushrooms is going to blow up and I'm going to have a thousand fucking tags all over me on my face and my nose. And I remember for three, it was a week-long trip.

We did like eight different rooms. And like, by night three, she's like, she was telling me that she sucked. Like, I really enjoy it and all this shit

because I'm like, that's great. But I'm going to feel your head and you're going to have a tag on your head and I'm going to lose it. So, oh, oh my God.

What possessed you? How long had you known her? She was sweet, very sweet. I got a long gray with a, the tags bothered me. And then I moved to Los Angeles and we spoke a few times. She was like, I'm coming out of L.A. to visit you.

You better bring a double baiting suit because everybody's got their back exposed here. Those fucking dots, they'll blow up in the sun. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. Fucking. I can't even imagine what that would look like. Lee, and I tell people all the time,

the life of comedy, man, is a trip inside a trip. And when you realize that, when you forget about cameras and TVs and you just go on these road trips and places where nobody's going to watch you, you just meet interesting people. God just puts these people,

and you can write material about them. Like, I've never told that story. No, I've never seen. I just remember that story. Like that something Becky said to me one night, you have so many stories. They go, it's comedy, Becky. It's not my life.

Yeah. It's the shit that I put in. But, you know, when you get in the car and you end up in Kansas City, what the fuck do you know from Kansas City? You're from Jersey. You're from Hudson County. You know, I threw rocks into the ocean and mug people. You don't know about Kansas City or corn or grits or not.

You don't know nothing. It's not until you meet different people. And you can wake up with different women. You know, when you wake up, dog, I woke up with a girl that was tall and I was hot and fuck and she was shooting heroin in the toes. You know, what do you want me to do? A little bit with no condom. I don't know what I got, but if I got it, fuck, I left it in Idaho.

I left it in Montana. Yeah, you're going to wear a condom on the road? Give me that dirty pussy and shit. She was mid-shooting up as you woke up, like you opened your eyes? Listen to me. Listen to me. It's the first night of a triple run. I got an eight-week run.

In a row? Yeah, I'm doing eight weeks in a row in a car with a chick. Oh, shit. With a chick. With the, oh, God. With the crazy redhead. Okay. She's drinking.

I don't know what they're doing. I'm like, listen, don't worry about none. Let me just drive. I'm putting cigarettes out. I look around. I'll close her back until they got a thousand cigarette. She kept telling me, how come I'm losing blouses. Dog, even this.

You don't see this on the TV show. I just kept smoking. And I would throw the cigarettes. Why would you throw it up? She's passed out. I'm like, it smells like fire. Like a week later. She's like, I don't know where in my blouse.

are, did you see him? Oh, I thought your fucking blouses like my crossdresser. And the first night, we left from Houston, drove all the way to Montana. Damn. Oregon, it was a couple of those.

And the first night, we go to this Montana room. Now, you and I, and George, I'm telling you from my heart, I expected to do a room and go back to my, do the show and go back to my room. Maybe have a beer with Jody or a shot at Tawker.

whatever the fuck she was drinking that night. And that was my night. Now, I get to this club, and this girl is gorgeous. She's the owner's daughter. 5-11, 512, 6 feet, blonde, big, beautiful, with a mini skirt on and cowboy boots.

That girl comes up to me, and she goes, listen, I'm like, yeah. If you need anything. I mean anything, I got you coming. Okay. So when the feature is up, I went over to him, I go, let me talk to you.

What can you against you? What do you need? Go for starters, some weed. She said, I get that. I have it here in 10 minutes. I was embarrassed to ask her about the coke. And I go, fuck, I can get some coke. She's got to eat some dynamite coke.

It's an eight ball. And before I turn, she goes, I can also get you a $50 bag of heroin. Like, baby's fit. All right, I'll see you after the show. I gave her money for the apeal, and I gave her money for weed. And she goes, I'll meet you back in your room. Are you staying at this hotel? And I go, Jody's there too next door.

You know, so yeah, I, dog, Jody's next door. This girl's coming over. I'm not thinking, I see the girl. She's 20 years younger than me. Nothing's going to happen. I didn't know she shot her. She came back to the room,

and I go, let's go next door to Jody's. So I felt better with her. And in Jody's, when we took out the Coke and started snorting, she goes, you guys mind if I had Papa Riga? No, go ahead. So she was over there shooting heroin. I gave her a little bit of coke.

and me and Jody was snorting, giggling, talking an hour and a half later. We've got to get up at 6 in the morning. She leaves. I give Jody a kiss. I go to my room, lock the door. In 20 minutes, the phone rings in my room. You still got Coke left.

I'm coming back. Come back. She called the hotel back then. I said, come back. It was like 2.30. So there was no sleep. We did the heroin, the Coke. She brought back to a case of beers.

In the morning, she looked like a model. I couldn't even tell she was doing age. I just got in the car and left and never talked to her again. I sit here some nights and I go, what does that woman think today?

Does she remember that? Because I barely remember unless I really think about it. One night, me and Lee were talking outside the office, I was shaking. Remember that night? I was shaking.

I was just unloading on Lee, 25 years of what I saw. Just unloading. It was by your house. It wasn't the office. On the side. It was right by your North Hollywood, We got home at 10 and we were out there until two.

Just fucking smoking weed. And Lee was like, No, Lee, that's 20 years of fucking comedy. You know, being at the comedy store and seeing a woman, like somebody asked me, what, did you really learn a lot at the comedy store? I learned a lot about comedy, but I also learned a lot about life.

A lot more than comedy, life. I saw engage women, dog. Get up, go to the bathroom, give a guy a blowjob, and go right back to that table with the engagement guy. He's like, yeah, this comics are funny. No. I saw that 10 times. My wife saw it.

We all saw it at the store. You saw the crazy women that were coming and take their clothes off. You see how comics behave when you start doing a little bit better than they do. They start throwing remote. You have to learn how to navigate yourself through that. So it's a lot, but I learned a lot. It just wasn't about stand-up. It was about psychology, human nature, what makes people

what makes Nick come up to me and said, hey man, you got any Coke? And I give Nick half of what I got. And three weeks later, the Lee calls me and says, I was in a meeting with Nick. He was pitching the show. And I asked him if he was using you. And he looked at me,

he goes, that Coke had in the meeting. That's what you live with. You be people who are just going to tie you up. So you learn to, you get your little group, nothing outside of that. You know, these are all fucking people who give you shitty gigs. Get there, you're at the end after the Mambo band. You know, that's what happened when your mom came to see me in there, rascals.

Do you remember that at Carolines? I followed the Mumbo band. We didn't get out of it until one in the fucking morning on a Wednesday night. You know, and you get the people that aren't in your corner, and you learn how to live in a habitat with them without telling them, go fuck your mother. But you always remember what they did to you, and one day you look at them and go, hey, cuck, sucker. Remember that?

I ain't mad at you, you know. I know you tried to do this to me. And that's Hollywood. You know, I mean, look at these two idiots. We're best friends. They did the tour together. And when Bernie Mac got Oceans 11, fucking whatever went behind his back and called the producers and said, I could do it better and cheaper. No.

Paul Harvey. No. Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey. No. You didn't know that? That's why they all ate them now. Oh.

That's what a comic does. You know, when a comic dies, there's comedians. They don't even say. Don't just call that club and go. dog, I was on the website. He got those dates. Let me get those dates. Jesus.

You know, show like that. And you're like, they got to just, they sold their soul to get to where they are. I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that. But those are the things you learn along the one. You learn when people lie to you. I tell you guys that,

I don't know what she's going to do. But I hope that she does go to St. John Vien, so she comes out with an associate because that year, I'm going to sit down and tell her. You can stay here for rent, free. Don't go to school. But you got to do something face to face with people, whether it's cars. I don't care what you make.

I don't care if you make no money. Tell me what you want a week and I'll give it to you. But you got to do that for a year to learn. And comedy doesn't tell you. You learn that shit when you're in year three. Thank God I sold cars. People are like, well, coming back later. We'll get the check.

And all soon you're seeing him with the car driving from Chevy. Yeah. Beep, beep, what happened? You know, because you believed them. And there's your friends going, hey, Nick, you ain't leaving this lot. Yeah, but I got to go and talk to my. Leave your watch. Leave a shoe, leave something.

You're not leaving here. Leave your trade car. Throw the keys up on the roof. Remember those stories in Denver? You know, you're not prepared for that. That's a hard-hitting comedy. When you sit in a room and they pick everybody else, and then they go, all right, that's the end of the show.

And you sat there all night for three hours. Doesn't feel good. No. And I've been there. It doesn't fucking feel. Yeah. It sucks. You know, how many times did George go with me to gigs in Seek's a car?

and fucking Luna Park over here, whatever this place was over here, where I ate a bag of dicks. That's it. You're not going to be great from the fucking beginning, but you just learn how to deal with it. You know, when I was in my first three years, if I took a bomb,

oh, I'd have to go do an ounce of Coke. I had to drink a case of beer. It's the end of the world. Now I bomb, like, oh, I'm going to sleep. I still get pissed off. Yeah, we all do for a minute or two. Like, I'm still pissed at the show at Red Bank. till this day, still pissed.

Still pissed off about that show. I went up there on fucking thinking. I was high. I thought I could pull it off. There's no, I didn't have the comedy thing going yet. You know, you learn, you're going to get burnt. They offered me that date, Carteret on December 26th. But now I'm like scratcher since he canceled.

Nothing. You got to come in and have you next time. You know what I'm saying? Sure. Yeah. But that's what the problem with comedy is. and we just got into comedy you were a fucking editor

you worked by yourself looking at film what the fuck do you know about people going all right you know come on up and then you get up there and you're like fuck I forgot to ask me about a hotel

and then you go is there a hotel ain't no fucking hotel and you're like what am I gonna do now I got $55 on my ATM card and I have a guess I don't have any kids

so I don't want to say I disagree with you but the one thing that you said that I you said that you'd give her money if she's living with you I actually think it'd be kind of good for her to be broke for a year working

like it as a server. It's 20 years from now. It's really not, though. I thought the conversation were talking about you just said that though. No, no, I said it as a comparison. Okay. For what I would like for her to do, but none of that shit's going to happen. She was talking already the other day that she don't want to go to St. Johns because they don't have a film program. So leave me to fuck

alone. That's why I'm not going to sit here with you and argue about that. Okay. Because it changes every day. When you have a child, the plans change every day. George, every day. So leave me the fuck alone. I'm just giving you an example. Okay. What I mean I gave them money.

You know, I'm not going to give a million dollars a week. What do you make over there? 300. If I saw a car, I'll give you 400. You know, so she doesn't feel because she ain't going to sell no fucking cars. Unless she gets really good and that animal comes out. Right. And that's great too.

But I wanted to have some type of social skills. Like we did. George could sell a fucking ice cube to an Eskimo. I put a gun to his head. That's when he don't talk about pizza or nothing. No nothing. I put a gun to his head. sell that picture, watch this motherfucker go.

And I'll tell him to sell it for 100, he'll oversell. He'll fucking drop a frame with gold, Liza Minnelli. That's the rules, you know. That's how life is. You don't learn that by watching TV or in college. You learn that by dealing with people on a daily basis. Can you imagine if you're a bookmaker?

Could you imagine if you're a loan shark what you've got to put up with every Thursday? Did you see, what was that movie? The Irishman. I got to go. My mother. Your mother's died 3,000. times a ring. Yeah. You don't come.

What time are you going to be in the mark 12? If you're not here, I'm going to bust your fucking head. You know, you hear shit that you can't even repeat. When people owe you money, and that's like that dude in the Pope of Greenwich Village, how come nobody keeps me waiting when they're looking to borrow? Right? When you're looking at bar and they go, show up at 6. You're there at 555.

Me, me, me, me. You're out of tension when I walk in. You salute me. Two weeks later, meet me at 6 to pay me. Oh, I got to work overtime today. Oh, my kid is sick. I told you 6 o'clock every Thursday. Six o'clock, but they're a good example.

That this is what it is. As comics sometimes, that's a hell of a shock. You know how they say people quit Jiu-Jitsu after a blue belt? A lot of people quit the first five years because it's such a big transition. If you can't handle me calling you in a lonely, come on, we're going to Pittsburgh tomorrow. But what am I going to tell the people at the printing job? Tell them you're not coming in tomorrow. That's it.

You quit. You're on a road. You want to be a comic? What are you going to do? That's why you said something to me last week and I have one solution. Okay. It's over. You got to quit this job.

Pretty soon. That holds you down. You don't feel it. But we have a ton of friends that had a day job. They never got no wood. Because they forgot about their love instead of peanuts. They fucking worried about peanuts. I gotta pay my phone.

And if you don't, then I'm gonna throw you up, but I'd rather you do what you love. And be a little broke. That's how you learn to make money. When I'm broke fucking selling cars, I'm gonna learn real quick how to sell fucking car. When I'm broke doing comedy,

I'm gonna at least figure it out. Hey, I got a room. How many guys do you know that? I don't even doing comedy a year, and they're making $5,000 a year, fucking book it open mics, doing stupid shit. And meanwhile, you're sitting there.

I don't know about the pine. I'm not putting you down. No, I'm putting anybody down that has a dream. At some point, for that dream to work, you've got to cut. I mean cut. If you hit me with, well, I'm going to do it one day a week. Your foot's still in there. So your heart's not going to be in that.

Do you see this fucking carpet? Right. If I stand on this carpet, hold my ground, that's great. If I stand in that middle and put one leg down, one leg there, what am I fucking accomplishing? And it's the same time. Dog, I held the job for eight years. I had child support.

And one day I had to go, you know what? She don't even let me see the kid anyway. Fuck child support. I'm gonna learn how to do fucking comedy. And I'll send her whatever the fuck I get. And you know what? At the rate I'm doing this, if I get anywhere,

I'll pay a child support in 20 years. I didn't give a fuck. She's not going to put me in jail. She's not going to... I don't even get the fucking kid. I'm sending 6.35 a month snort and coke off a fucking roof on the floor. You know, I should be picking up gold from the streets

and put it in my nose. The point is that that's... It just... And we know a lot of people who kept the day job. Because after a while, I need my insurance. Bro, when you do comedy, they ain't no insurance. There ain't no insurance. I did comedy for 10 years on the road.

Broken teeth. Give me your name and pray for the best. Put it on the time. There's a lot of the shit on there, too. If I ever hit, I'll clean up. Dude, fucking, what's his name? There's a comic in L.A. Very cool.

Dude, he got famous on TikTok during the pandemic. But he had a Josh. with an R. Nice dude in Hollywood, but he had a joke that used to give me anxiety. And he's like, every time I saw him,

he was in X amount of debt, it was like 80 grand. And he just didn't give a fuck anymore. That's it. You can't. And he's like, I'm either gonna make it or I'm gonna fucking die.

Listen, bro, when I left Colorado, I was in $180,000. And I was gonna pay a dime of it. I was like, because I heard an expression if they can't put you in debt as prison. there's no prison for people to owe money. And I wouldn't file for bankruptcy.

I just said, fuck it. This is part of life. And at the end, I did some sick shit. I was financing an Accura, and I fucking went in that same bank and cashed a $1,000 Discover check. The account was closed. They called the cops on you for that shit.

They called them money. And they go, you got like eight hours to bring the $1,000 to bring the $1,000 done. They don't have $8.00. They said, okay, we're going to tack it on to your car. I never paid that car off. I just left it in the garage. I don't know where that car is today. I never heard from them.

Not a postcard from Accura. Nothing. I get one now. I even went to look at an Accura. I put my name down for them to run in the computer. I'm like, I don't know. I had an Accura in 91. Beautiful.

Beautiful Accur was a pussy machine. I had a tremendous. There was white with blue interior. I was slinging dick in the sticks of boulders. I had the luxury package. Oh, my God. The Dominican Sterer. in there, speakers.

When my ex-wife saw that car, she had a fucking heart attack. What happened to the truck? Truck? I ain't no cowboy, bitch. That was your pos-de-bore-bye? I need a slinging dick car. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God.

She hated me for it every day. Was it a sedan? It was a two-door. Cool. Nice, beautiful. With the nice rims. When I banged the car up, I had to fucking rob a dealership to get the good rims and put it on there.

Mike Kessler. I had to leave my car in the garage. pump it, take the whole rims off. Each rim was $2,200. I'm not paying for that. They were like high-end rims that the kid put on the car

before he sold it to me. So I'm on the way to Dumbugget. I hit black ice and I fucking damage one of the tires and the tie was going to boob-boom-boo. Like the whole thing was burnt. So I got somebody to fix it, but then the tie,

the rim was fucked up. So we're like, how am I going to get a room for $2,200? I go, why steal one when we could steal four of them? So I fucking jocked the car up with my man, Mike. We took two tires. first.

I went to date time. I used to do damage at that dealership. I'm not going to tell you the name. I robbed it. Thank God. Single-handedly, I robbed it.

I busted in. I went in the end of Friday and they were talking about bonuses for the next day. They had to go get cash at the bank. I heard that fucking thing. Later that night I went over and I broke around the back.

It was a not-giver-dealer dealer. The door was wide open. I walked in there, found the spiff box, took everything out of there, 400. The next day, somebody for the dealership, call me. Joey, did you rob the dealership last night?

Because they're blaming on the little Wayne Means. I'm like, no, I didn't touch that dealership. And when he saw him, we started like, I was, I know you robbed it. You heard. It sounds like you also worked at this dealership. I worked there at the Subaru side earlier. And then I got into an argument with the manager and I quit. And then they, after prison, they put me on the accurate side.

They go, we'll give you another job. How did you get the promotion after going to prison? I don't know. It just, they liked me. So I went back over there and I got the accurate job. And I lasted like a month and a half. Well, yeah, because you were robbing the place. not really not no I was a salesman I robbed the place when I stopped working there I needed

money that's something to pay the money that's over you weren't even working there yeah and I went up there to see my friend and while I'm there this idiot tells the other idiot you got to go to the bank and get deposit money for tomorrow for spips I thought you mean I missed the part but you were there to see your friend it's like fucking Josh wolf used to say being Joey Diaz remember being John Malcovich being Joey Diaz isn't a regular conversation also somebody in the end of the bar I just picked up a thousand dollars and were hiding in my car over and night. I can hear that shit. Did you,

did, tit, tit, tit, tit, robbery in progress right there. I'm one of those dudes. When I was robbing, I was just listen. That's it. You just listen. And people are that stupid to just say that much stuff in public? Yeah, if they're going to talk that much

stuff in public, you might as well rob. I got ten of these down on the warehouse on West End. Really? Let's go look at it. Speaking of which, I was just thinking about it, I'm definitely taking this money out of my wallet now. Two days later, you're at West End, but they come back to the bar. How many broke in? Come on.

Come on. Come up. You had an alarm system. Oh, yeah. We got cameras. Listen, I burnt those fucking cameras, okay? I had an electrician to go on there for me and gave him 10 points of the fucking cut. Holy shit.

What are we talking about? I don't know. Something's at my eye to him fucked up. Yeah, your eyes always fucked up. He's telling him, I need a no room. My eyes, I won't have smack you. No, dude. I was fucked up.

Shut, bitch. And they put him on the pest block. And he was fine. No. Dude, first of all, you jinx me. Wednesday before the flight, you're like, listen, you haven't had bronchitis in a while. It's time to bring it back.

It's been like five years. He hasn't no bronchitis. And I don't have bronchitis, but I got there, and it's a very nice. I'm not talking shit about the hotel. No, the hotel was nice. And I had a room with the balcony.

It was like, I thought the fucking, I thought Hitler hit you with the mace. You were fucking. I was fucked up. I should have changed rooms. And what they said is it was a pet-friendly floor. And I get, like, really allergic to dogs. and cats are used to.

When you got up there, you weren't an allergic class floor. No, but I, like, and this is the second time it's happened. We're like, you ever get an allergy attack that turned into a cold? So, like, that's what happened. I don't know. What the fuck were you? No, yeah. I don't want to make an issue at your own.

Dude, I don't know if you even know this. I did cause an issue one time. Well, not even the one you're thinking about in Vegas. I caused an issue the first time ever in Austin. And I got, oh. I've never told anyone this story. No, we don't want to need to hear and that's too late.

Okay. Save it for therapy next week. Okay. Look at this shape of you. What do you got this week? I got Foxwood's with you. No, no, besides that. And I got, I think I got Luxor lounge on Sunday.

Luxor. Then next week, Lexington. No sex all week? You got Thursday night with me, the bucket. I can't go that night. Why not? What are you doing? It's my wife's birthday.

I'll be around New York But you'll be together together Working on it Fucking making out with a chubby chick Everyone's one got to take one for the team You know what I'm saying No idea And it really wasn't even make out

It was like a kiss and a hug And I could taste of popcorn And the tongue and shit No, I'm buying tea She was very sweet God bless her You know, people I'm in go man

That's a part of growing up I'll be at Foxwoods And then tickets go on sale Well, they went on sale last night at 7 o'clock for Austin on the 19th. There ain't going to be no tickets left. So, $22 on the seats. That's going to be fun. It'll be 7 o'clock show.

That's it. Get out of there. Go get some tacos. Friday, wake up, stem cell. Saturday, go to fucking thing. I see Eddie. Eddie's coming in Friday night. I'm excited about that.

I got him and all this shit's coming out true. People are saying he was crazy. He talked about Pizza Gate. He talked now they're making videos. about it. That he was fucking right. All those consp- that there's a war,

they can't relieve the Epstein file. He was saying this four years ago. Three years ago when I was down. He was talking about things that were going on now. They all pertained to that file. Fucking tremendous shit. Here's some conspiracy theories.

I haven't heard one. Your favorite. Two years. So with him, it's always great. And I'll be back Saturday night. And then a month later, I get the knee taken out. I'll be walking around like a gimp.

but I'm looking forward to me. Yeah. I get it over and start from scratch. The shit's going to break any day, though. I'm telling you guys this shit. I don't want to call you in two weeks and go, Doug, I'm in the hospital. They're doing emergency surgery.

This bone broke. It feels fucked up. It just cracked. You heard it. You guys aren't it. Should we not be walking much anymore at all? No, no. I'm going to sit at home and get 80 pounds on me and not walk.

Fuck you. Why have you eaten 80 pounds? Because that's what happens when you stop exercising for some bullshit injury. You're not a bulls. Your legs are going to snap. Listen, it has a snap yet. It's like the old thing. We've got to take this to old America for us to succeed as Americans.

Everybody wants to make America beautiful a way. This is how it was when I was growing up. You're sick. Come to work, puke at work, and I'll let you go home. Okay. Well, fair. So I'm going to give up now. I'm going to give up.

I can't walk. I can't. I was doing dead lips today. I'm going to give up. I'm going to sit at home until the surgery and fucking eat dilly-dally. And then I'll be eight years away. from, I'll be 68.3. Right now I'm at 63.4 holding steady.

Yeah, but are you making this decision or is a doctor involved in this at all? Of what? Of all you doing deadlifts on half of a leg? No, they'll tell you to stay home. So listen to them. Fuck him. Fuck him. I got to keep my dick alive, number one.

And number two, you've got to go into that surgery stronger than ever. Because you're going to be in that hospital for a night. And then you're going to assume you're going to be home for four or five days. and you think it's hard to build muscle, see how quick it is to lose muscle after us. I'm not saying to do nothing, but...

So I'll be there at home with a fucking dumbbell for two days, just doing these, just because it helps you heal the body quickly. What about the things like you just lay your leg on, and you like kneel and it like roll, it has legs for the to roll? All right, ladies and gentlemen, you heard it off. No, just I don't put it.

It's going to be all right. another fun-filled fucking podcast, the church of what's happening now, New Testament on a beautiful fucking Tuesday. It's going to be 70 degrees again tomorrow. Then whatever happens happens. I don't give a fuck, Jack. I love you, Lee.

Have a great week. And we'll see you next week. Tip-top Magoo with Alberto Crane. Say good night, Lee. Good night. Stay bye.