The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - It's time for your next confession

Episode Date: December 10, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, solo like the old days. Joey and Lee talk about celebrity sex parties, why Joey loves idiots, what it was like taking his daughter to his show, and much more! Support the show and try BlueChew for free, just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com Exclusive $35-off Carver Mat with code JOEY at https://www.AuraFrames.com Support the show and get $100 instantly in Casino Credits with just a $10 wager. Download the DraftKings Casino app & use code JOEYSLOTS Try VIIA with code JOEY at https://bit.ly/viiacheckin

What's happened, you savages? It's Tuesday, December the 10th. It's the Church New Testament. We got a tremendous show for you tonight, but let's get this party started. What's happened, you savages? The Church New Testament today is brought to you by Blue Chew. Listen, some people want a hippopotamus for Christmas. Some people just want a big, strong, firmer dick. If you're ready to get in on this Christmas, you need Blue Chew. Blue Chew is an online service. that sends a chewable form of the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis at a huge discount like your little helmet's going to get when you take Blue Chew.

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That's what you've got to be thinking. Welcome back to church! What's happened, beautiful people? We're here for another fun-filled Tuesday morning. There's no guest today. We just want to catch up with you and tell you what's been going on. As usual, my beautiful co-host is here. Mr. Lee Bugaloo-Sayat.

How's it going? Good, man. How are you? I'm great, dude. It's been, like, it hits me in, like, waves that I'm here. I just never, I didn't, I would always want it to be here. But then, like, even I get to see you. I see you a couple times a week now.

It's just great. I'm just, you ever have like a couple months of life that like no shitty things happen? Yep. I'm in the middle, like one of those, like, nothing too shitties happened in a while and I've just been enjoying it. Like, you know, there's ups and downs, but like right now it's like, oh, if life was like this, there's no depression. It's funny. Life has a lot ups and downs and there's ups and, you know, you're down. And sometimes you don't know it.

Like I have a friend that's going, I'm having the worst year in my life. And she did. she had a couple things happen but you have to look at the other side of that you have your kids they're healthy you know everybody's eating nobody's not working you know you gotta look at the good and the bad

together yeah some some fucking days are better than others I got up every morning you know this new thing that I've been doing lately really changed me you know one of the best guest we ever had on the podcast was who Rudy Sarso

he's fantastic I learned a lot from Rudy And during the pandemic, Rudy and I used to talk a lot. And we discussed, he went back on tour with Quiet Riot. Here's a guy that's done everything in his life. And one day he goes, you know what, I'm going to get back together with my original band. And he always told me it was a labor of love. And that's why I did what I did, because I started the year off just doing spots up. Open mics and one-nighters and my friends' comedy shows, just doing sets.

And I would say to myself, unless I want to go to an open mic, it's not going to work for me. If I'm going to start this bad thing of just doing comedy for money, that's not going to work. I got to start doing comedy because I fucking love it. And I'm to the point now where I'm in love with comedy, I'm not in love with the business of comedy. So I had to separate all that shit. Right. And we're having fun. And for those of you listening who have never been to an open mic,

all people at my level want to do is get out of open mics. And if you ask a hundred headliners, there's not going to be many of them who want to go back to open mics. Like I don't, you said that if you don't want to go to an open mic, you're not going to want to whatever. No. I don't want to go to open mics and I still go.

Like, go to an open mic is fucking sucks. You know, it's like riding the subway in New York. You could take a limo, but every once in a way to take the subway and they remind you who the fuck you are from time to time. I think the open mic might be the, The bus. The fucked-up

Listen, an open mic reminds you of how shitty your life used to be when you first started. Like, I have, you know, I do those open mics in freehold and I do the one at Uncle Vinny's next week. I don't do it for me. I do it because

these young guys can now say that they open for me on their resume. You know what I'm saying? And number two, it's a solid open mic. It's not like an open mic with nobody there. That's what comics do for years. We just go to these spots and do comedy and there's nobody there but other

comics. And they blow smoke up your house. Ha ha ha ha ha. That's a funny joke. No, it's not, okay? There's always that one dude, he's like a burn victim who sits in the second row and shit. He goes there. You know that customer that goes to the bar every fucking week? You always have that one good guy that's up in the front or the third row. But besides that open mic, suck. So that's why I started, I told Dino, I go, Dino, let's do an open mic and freehold. There's a lot of action down there. They got a little room.

The little room is great. And we could do it once or twice a month. And the headliners could come down an headline, try out their new material for 30 minutes. Get a little paycheck. And everybody gets home by 93010. Everybody did that. You don't have to stay there to 11. What am I going on?

You're number 38. And we're on number three. Fuck! You know, you got to go to work the next day. Dude, that open mic that we did in Freehold for some... And there were good comics. It's nothing against their comedy. But for some of the people who were there in performing,

that would be like the biggest show they ever do. Yeah. And it's so cool. And that's called making somebody's day. Yeah. And comedy. So now somebody's going to make your day. Somebody's going to call you when they go, hey,

what are you doing tomorrow? I got two days on a movie shoot for you. I mean, we're going to go, why did he pick me? Because a couple weeks ago, you put a couple open micas on stage. Right. And you paid like two or three of them,

which now you make them professional. And their mind, they've been taking a beat. They've got to pay for parking. They got to pay for the soda. they got to pay for everything. Now some guy's giving us $40, $20, you know? Because I remember that. I remember the first time somebody gave me $20 to do comedy.

I almost shot myself. Yeah. I couldn't even do the speed limit on the way home. I was doing $100. I couldn't wait to call my friends. I'm a pro. You're not a pro, Joey. Knock it off.

But now you know what it feels like. You feel like. I remember when I came to do Skank Fest years ago, way before the pandemic, Felipe was headlining Carolina. and you called him and he let me do a guest set and he gave me 30 bucks I think my first paid set in New York

and I got 30 bucks and I got to perform my carolines before I closed I didn't know it was been closed but it means like that's the coolest thing for me about going on the road with people is like I spend half of my time daydreaming about what I'll do for people who open for me because you've been obviously great to me

Josh has been great to me everyone like honestly I haven't really had a bad headliner yet I've had some people who I didn't love but they weren't I'm gonna work with people who are just miserable fucking people and you know they're just fucking miserable things didn't work out for whether and now they go to a small town and they pull

their weight you follow me because in L.A. nobody talks to but now when they go to Kansas City or Wyoming they're like fuck you guys I want nobody cursing during and you're like what happened here you know me with comedy comedy is not a money business it's a making somebody's day business life is a making somebody's day business and there's just simple things with comedy that I

remember you know when you do you know how all I remember about comedy is feeling fucking bad for a long time and just feel shitty about yourself you go you do a spot then you got to go to your job in the morning and now this guy's telling you and in the back of your head you're like I can't wait just do stand-up comedy Now you start losing, like, you don't care about insurance. You don't care about the rent. You don't care about your car payment. You're like, I just don't want to do this job no more,

and I can't wait to work as a professional. And I remember somebody told me Martin Lawrence was making $10,000 a week as a host. In 1993, 1993, he was making $10,000 a week as a host of... Comic View or... Comic, whatever was on HBO. Oh. Deaf comedy jam

And I was like $10,000 When I started comedy What I do for $10,000 I would slice your fucking neck at that time For $10,000 fucking dollars, man $10,000 And you sit there and go

Because we're losers You go well I'll never hit that plateau That's what you say you'll go like that's great for Mont Lawrence It must be a great feeling, but I'll never hit that plateau. And that's how you look at it. And then 20 years later, you're not getting 10 grand, but you're probably getting 3,500. And you're like, damn.

Damn, it feels good to be a gangster. Holy shit. It's cool. Anytime I get a check from any comedy club, it's like, $400. I'm like, this is cool as shit. This is really fun. And I know people at home are going, Lee, somebody gave me $30. That's cheap. No, no, no. Because there's people that don't give you nothing.

Yeah. There's places that you go and you can. get the dinner tab, and it's 100%. You had a drive there, parked there, and now they're charging you 28 for the fucking scotchad salmon. Some fucking dry piece of salmon. They caught up some pencil. Well, anybody.

Anybody who eats a piece of salmon from a comedy club should be shot and hung anyway. Okay, don't eat salmon from a comedy. Don't even take the chance. Don't through the winnie and clam sauce. Nothing with that. Because you might be fucking sick for a year. Stick to the stupid stuff.

Pizza. And even that. Pretzels. What about the clubs that charge you to perform? I just got, and I'm not going to name the club. I signed up for a show, and they said if you brought a certain number of people, you would definitely see the Booker would watch you. I didn't read far enough down, but you needed to bring a certain number of people to perform.

It was a full on bringer, and they wouldn't let me perform because I was just trying to go to do something. So the fact that anyone gives you, even $10 is great. A lot of times I just go, like, people ask me like, how much are you getting paid for this show? I didn't ask. And then when they pay you, like, I got a hundred bucks the other week for doing a show at a dispensary. That was fucking awesome. But it was just, it was like a Hanukkah morning. It was a surprise.

Like any, I'm at the point now of comedy, and I, where, like, any money is just, like, money you find in a jacket. It's like a surprise money. That's that. Yeah. And you look at it like for years. And you're like, oh, my God, finally, I could pay my car payment doing comedy. You're like, wow. And I can pay my car payment and do a gram a week.

Wow. You know what I'm saying? Holy shit. A gram a week. I'm so happy that I never had anything. The worst thing I have is food, but I can't imagine trying to. Food. You don't even know it's in your system without putting there without you watching.

Put in what? What did you put in my thing? Everything. You've done heroin. You've done everything. Oh, I know that. You gave me cat tranquilizers. I gave you fucking.

my toenail dust I shaved the toenail put it on your little joint you're over there smoking it like Benihana looking good you know what I'm saying we've had some interesting fucking guests man

the last few weeks and it was a breath of fresh air I got more of those guys coming in but I wanted to give you guys a breather just to inhale what you saw the last couple weeks and get ready for what we got coming up you know what I'm saying like it's just

I got a lot of these guys and I come on we're going to tell a lot of fucking secrets we're going to talk about shit you never heard before and that's what this is about now. This isn't about I don't really want

big time celebrities in here I don't want I don't want half the people you see you know every day I get emails put put Theo on listen if I put Theo on it's the same shit everybody else

is doing for right now so for right now we're going off a different fucking set of rules and listen man everything's changing I mean everything's about to fucking change it's December 10th you got 14 shoplifting days enjoy it have a good time with your family because shit's gonna change January 20th I can't wait for the 21st you're gonna wake up to fucking corre cori cori a bunch of Spanish people flying through the air what's cora helicopters

what's core I mean run you know and they're scared people are fucking scared if you You've seen the fucking Mexicans are starting fucking to leave on their own lately. Have you noticed that? Go to a restaurant. They're not as quick as they were two years ago, even after COVID. That's it. I just went to Home Depot today, and the Americans didn't know what I was talking about. I missed them.

Spanish people are scared. They're like, you know what? We're going to get thrown out. You know what? We're going to leave on our own. Why are they going to happen to put me in a cage with some fucking guy with leprosy down at that fucking border? You know, I don't need this shit either. That's going to change.

and my heart goes out to everybody involved. It really does. It's going to be a fucking horrible week. And already mayors are opposing it, different police people opposing it, you know, and it's going to be interesting. A lot of things are going to fucking change. But me, I'm fine.

I'm golden like a motherfucker. I ain't on the ditty list. I ain't on the Epstein list. I ain't on nobody's list. How good does it feel not to be on a list? Oh, God. It doesn't need it. It's a bull.

It's all bullshit. Like last night they released more info. This poor bastard Brooklyn's own Fuck in Brooklyn 666 whatever Brooklyn 9-9. He raped a 13 year old girl now these things are gonna come on at the end of the day Nobody really knows what the fuck happened. I love to be TV. You know put your TV on lately? Ditties take down episode three he hasn't even gone to court yet and people are just You know and this is why guy don't put you don't know what happened and right now people People are fucking coming out of woodwork. Now you're going to hear all the lawsuits. How many fucking lawsuits did he get after the video came out of him throwing Cassie around?

Now they all want to raise their hand. And you know what? This goes back to the old rule. And I hate to say this, but if you get raped on a Tuesday night, you better be at the doctor's office Wednesday morning. And if you didn't go or somebody told you not to do it or whatever, now you want to come on and make sure tough harder. It makes your case harder. And it makes so many fucking things harder. Now, but a lot of things are going to fucking change.

But for you people who are waiting for lists and who's on the Epstein, listen, you're never going to see it. Just go play the picket. Try to hit the three numbers on that. You'll be fine, all right? Don't worry about Epstein. I can't wait for the ditty. It's all bullshit, guys.

And they're never going to release it? Who knows what they're going to do? You know, everybody wants them to release the list to go, I knew Oprah was a freak. Look at that fat fuck dough, you know. Look at how she's pet that little boy's hair, all that shit. Listen, guys, there's so much money involved in that circle. I just don't, the thing I don't understand about today

and I haven't followed any of it is why is he in charge of music? I know he was big, but like why is he killing? How is he supposedly in charge of all this now? Listen, when you throw big parties and people get fucked in the ass, you can tell a lot of people what they do. You know what I'm saying? You ever think about that? You know, right now I'm a comic. People come up to me and take pictures with me.

Can I take a picture? Can I take a picture? Can you imagine if they knew I had parties where people getting fucked in the ass and rubbing baby all themselves and shit? You know how popular I am? So did you ever think of that? Maybe he was popular because he was throwing the best parties in the fucking world. Yeah, but who? I wouldn't, when you want to go to a party with him?

there was a chance you were going to get fucked in the ass? No, and I wouldn't go because that's not my circle. But you know, we were talking about it before. Listen, you know, like Lady Gaga came out. I went and when I felt things were going to, I left, listen, Lady Gaga Stopping. Everybody loves

a train wreck. There ain't one motherfucker I don't love a train wreck. It's our natural impulse. It's natural. We're at a... Can you imagine that some party talking to some fucking Gentile? Oh, the State of the Union, the SOP, and also in some blonde starts fucking and suck it in the corner.

What are you going to do? What are you going to do? You're really going to, it's time to leave. You're going to watch that blonde suck that pipe and watch all the women go, she's disgusting. No, she ain't. She's doing what you should be doing. Instead of worrying about Oprah and the view and who your Rogan should date,

that's what you should be doing. That's a problem with America. Nobody's fucking and sucking no more. If people are fuck, like at night, either you fucking suck or you stay up and watch CNN. Do you know that? And now you're ha ha ha ha ha the immigrants

go fuck your wife, go eat her ass what bad thing can happen. But that's the problem. Our heads are in their asses, Americans now. Like this list is going to make you money. This list is going to do something for you. What this list what do you care? You're

never going to find out. They will kill your mother before that list comes out. They will take your dad and throw them to the Alligators before they even think of releasing that list or any other these fucking list. How much money does Jay Z have, guys? He's about to give $20 million to Hell's Kitchen. What do you think he pays an attorney $250 an hour? He's got a fucking 20 attorneys at a million an hour, and it don't even budge him.

Because he'll just, Beyonce, keep singing, bitch. You know what I'm saying? Country, let's go with Chinese now. Let's do something. You know what I'm saying? You couldn't, you won, you didn't win the Amher for the Grammy. let's try uh yikira music what's that chick chikira yeah yikira that other one shaking her ass like i'm supposed to be impressed forever the never i don't like that shit you don't like that song no

dude shakira when i was like 12 and she was shaking it like there wasn't porn like i could see back then that was basically porn to me you didn't like Shakira don't like you like me like that she's hot what's wrong with Shakira nothing nothing but when you were 12 you masturbated to Shakira dancing. No pussy shot. This is what I'm dealing with. What am I supposed to? There was no internet.

The guy that goes to a strip club to a bikini bar and goes, that's fun. It is. Listen, the cover charges in this high. They got good drinks. What's wrong with the bikini? I don't want to see a woman in a bikini.

You can go to the Seaside Heights and see every size of a woman in a bikini. Big, tall, fat, hairy, the whole fucking thing. I'm going to go to a bikini bar. I went to a bikini bar one time because they paid me 50 bucks to do comedy. I'll tell you what happened there that night. Guess who I saw that that night? Who fucked the most women ever? Who?

Wilk Chamberlain. Will Chamberl fucked over 10 million women or some shit. Jesus. He was there. Now, I could have followed him around because I know he's going to get his dicks up. Right? I could have just followed him around all night.

Just to watch? Maybe they'd get in there with him. I don't fucking know. Maybe they show him the Cuban egg roll. I don't fucking know. But at the same time, when I saw Will Chamberlain, I said, it's time to go. Because there was all white women there. And I didn't want to see a fucking black dick, shishabob, a bunch of skinny L.A. women.

I love to see that, like a guy, black dude with a big dick. Just goes through all of them? And four little skinny women. And he's got the dicks going through that monkey and coming out there muffler. And four of them, they look like a fucking spare rib. Oh, my God. That's a fantasy for me, but not really. I did mushrooms yesterday.

Oh my God. But it's a truth. What do we want as Americans? Black Dish? Did you see fucking Bryce Mitchell? Did you see the United States? When he beat up crying, he got up and he goes, I'm sorry, Joe Rogan.

I'm sorry, I said things about you. I apologize. But there's only one man who can make America great. And that's Jesus Christ. I didn't know. What did Joe say? Joe just looked at him like, oh, my God. I got to stay in Texas.

Oh, my God. Speaking of the bikini stuff, have you seen, like, they have, like, barber shops, you can go, coffee shops, or, like, they walk around in bikinis? Does that sound like fun to you at all? Not at all. Not at all.

It's like going to Hooters and seeing a chick with stockings on. I'm supposed to have a party because she got stockings on, and she's got her legs in the top. I don't want to see that. I want to see a waitress, not nude, because you have to have imagination.

Right. No panties. And when she walks, pubic hair. fell on the floor like fucking you know the Africans throw flowers when you walk when you were a king? You ever see coming to America?

Yeah, I was going to say. Back to the future. One of those. Come in. Back to the future. You know, I want to, I want something more. It's like when you go, you ever go to a place and the chick's got like a bikini bottom, but it

breast her out and she's got two things on her nipples, whatever they called? Paisdies. What are they called? Pasty's a little stickers. It kind of, you sit there for an hour going, I wonder what a nipples look like.

Like, I don't go to strip club, and I'll tell you why. Why? Because it started in Vegas about 20 years ago. I used to work for a sports betting company. They'd take you to a strip club. And I was high, you know, I don't think I was doing coke in the place because the guy didn't like us doing drugs. But I'm sitting there.

And there's a true story, guys. I'm sitting there. And, you know, like, after a while, you're like, I got to go give some dollars to the girl. What am I sitting here for? I might as well go up there. Everybody else is looking at each other. A bunch of idiots.

I go over there. I'm starting to give dollars. To the girl, but then she starts shaking her ass and I noticed something. She's beautiful, for starters, beautiful body, but she's got the tightest little whitehead on her ass cheek. And I'm trying to bust this motherfucker. Like I would give her anything just to pop, you know those little pimples that you know they're gonna go.

It's just a tight white head, no redness, no nothing. You just go and it, and it's a little thing on your nail and you just wipe it on your pants. This chick had an ass that was tight, but that pimple was easy. even tighter, and it was driving me fucking crazy. And now when I go to strip gloves, I always look at chick's asses. Does I want to see if they got a little pimple on their ass to see what's going on? How much would you have paid to pop this pimple? The small 20.

And what would you have gotten from this? Just to pop a pimple. And here we go, ow. Did you ever think of that? No. I've never wanted to pop anyone's pimple. Fuck. But it's just so weird how.

We want all this info. You know, and 2025 is going to be a fucking interesting year for a lot of people. Yeah. You know, a lot of people. People start to leave. Some people stay in.

You know, these idiots, I'm leaving. You'll be back. You'll be back. You know? I'm going to leave because my human rights is it's not a country for women no more. Okay. All right.

What are we going to do? I've only been out of the country a couple of times. even when I've had fun as soon as you're a couple days away from coming back you're like I can't wait to fucking just be back You know it's great to go But it's always better to come back

You even notice that shit You're like that's enough of this shit These people dancing Don't they work? No I don't think they do That's why I don't go on vacation It's a waste of my time It'll always be a waste of my time

I can't just sit there for three days and look out a balcony. Even with edibles you can't. I love it. Yeah, but I can do edibles and sit in my basement and write jokes and watch my TV

and play with my cat. Now you're making me go somewhere else to sit on a balcony and look at a beach and eat edibles like an old man. You know, I don't have a boat. I don't want to walk to a fucking thing. You know, yeah, you go on the go-carts one day.

Yeah. And after that, you're like, okay, it's over. Time to go home. I'm not good at vacations. I'm great at it. And now with these fucking flights and all this shit, you're not going to get me going nowhere.

I don't blame you. Nowhere. Nowhere. I'm done. I'm fucking done, guys. I've had it with flights. And, you know, they called this week for me to go to L.A. They shoot something.

And just going online, getting my dog. All right. So I call JetBlue, okay? And they answer, you know. Hi, you've reached Jet Blue. We're grateful that we have your business. Stay on hold and then they come back on. If this is Spanish, dial nine.

Okay. If you're booking a reservation, press one. If you're doing this, press two. If you're doing this, press three. Okay. It's a seven minute wait. No problem. I go pop a pimple.

I'll go put a bandit on my ear, right? In those seven minutes every 30 seconds, somebody come on. Come on. If you want faster service, we could call you back. Listen, I don't want you to call me back. Let's just do this now. It's seven fucking minutes every 30 seconds.

If you want, we could have a whatever call you back on the same number on hold. You won't lose your place. I don't want to, listen, I already see the by the way coming. Well, by the way. You ready? Okay. Beep. Hello?

Hi. Hi, I want to know how come there's no flights out of Newark? or if I could book a flight from Newark to LAX. And all of a sudden, she was from a complete different fucking country. Yeah. And what you heard was like sewing machines. There was drones going on in the background. Because she was like, what's your name?

Jose. Jose. How do you spell that? And then, listen, can do me a favor? Can I just have my code for mosaic? Can I just have my mosaic code? I can't find my fucking card. Give me your email, dog.

Took me 18 minutes. Diaz? No. Diaz. Beaz? Beaz? B-Z? No, what's my name?

Jose Diaz. Okay. That's a start. Diaz. D-I-A-Z. Dog, they make it uncomfortable for you to do anything anymore. Yeah? You get anxiety.

So, out of all the people, You can't put a white chick on there just to talk to us and get this out of the way? Because I was lost and again, I love fucking foreigners and the whole thing and you got to give them a job. First of all, this was not, this was outsourced to fucking some fucking Pablo Escobar's old telemarketing's office. I didn't know what this lady was saying. And I asked her, Ablo Españo, I'm going to do. You know, she was saying something. I'm like, man.

I'm like, now I got to deal with this shit at the airport. My boy told me that if you fly to United out of Newark, you got to stand in Terminal D and give you a luggage up. I'm not in the move for all that shit. And if I get to the airport and you tell me my flight's delay, listen, wherever I was going, then I got to see me. It's just for a delay? Yeah.

I'm done. Like three hours, done. Give my luggage back. Give it back. Here, take the money. Take it. As a matter of fact, take the luggage. I got to sleep out of the machine.

Take the luggage. Mail it to my house when you got a chance. I don't need anything. in there. It's two days of clothes, sock, underwear. Ain't nothing in there. I got my weed in my nutsack, and I got my edibles in my nutsack. I swear to God, I'll leave. You still keep it in the nutsack?

Remember last year, two years ago, right before the pandemic, I got stuck in Atlanta. Yeah. It was a fucking all day. And these motherfuckers are calling me a tree. Well, we could send a helicopter for you in a private plane. I go, dog, and who's going to pay for that private plane? For me to break even, to get there in a rush, to do a show? Get the

fuck out. It's done. It's canceled. They kept calling me every 30 minutes. We get you there. We got you a train that'll drop you off to a helicopter. And there's some guy named Jed will take you to... No! It's over. Yeah. I've been sitting here since 6 in the morning. It's 4. What do you're going to do? You think I'm going to move to tell a fucking joke now?

Yeah, that's... Ten hours at the airport. Yeah, I'm going to just get on stage and be fucking, you know, Johnny Frimbo. Whatever the fuck, whoever the fuck that is. Yeah, it sucks. But do you ever I just had a really great experience somewhere, and it made me, like, hopeful almost. What experience did you have? Well, you called me. I went to dinner two nights and one week, and you called me Johnny Dinner, which I thought

was hysteria. But I went to a steak place. I've never been, and it wasn't expensive. You ever heard of, like, the Michelin Star, like the fancy. Yes. I went to a steak, and it was, like, the best meal I've ever had. You wouldn't go because I will be honest, it is a Korean steakhouse. So they give you the kimchi and stuff.

I know, I know, by the way. You could just tell them not to even bring it. Because you just can't be fucking normal like everybody else. It's normal. It's all two countries. You got to a fucking Korean steakhouse. It's great. It was great.

Never. Wait to your shit blood. It was days ago. That's where you got the pink eye. No, it's not. That's where you got the fucking pink eye. Yes, it is. No, it's not a stye.

No, it's not a stye. That's where you got the pink guy. It's not a pink guy. I knew there was a by the way. Yeah, I'm going to see Gladiate and then we're going to a steak because we don't pick no restaurants because there's always a by the... He's the easiest guy to talk into anything. You didn't talk to me. And then he'll fucking yelp it and he'll listen to a stranger.

And I already knew that there's a by the way. There was no by the way. I'm going to dinner, Cote, it's a steak. Okay. By the way, I know. You know, everybody else tells me. It was so good. They made...

I've never had Wagyu before. You didn't? No. No. Okay. Have you ever had it? And I shit right away. That meat is so fucking rich.

I mean, the two times I've had it, I didn't even leave the restaurant. I swear to God. I had to go right in the bathroom and shit and come out like, I got to get out of here. That was fucking. It's too rich, Uncle Joey. I'm too old for that shit. It's rich. It tastes like you're eating fat.

I can't eat a lot of short rib. I like a little short rib on a pasta, and when they give you that big slab, it looks like a fucking, it looks. I love it. No. What happened to when you're your short rib? It's just too heavy. That's it. That shit I could eat when I was 25, 34.

I ate a piece of fucking short rib at night. Oh, I went somewhere, and I had the short rib on the pillows. Not the one from my brother at the joint red bank that the kid trains at our school. No, chef, whatever. Phil. What is it? Char. Chef Phil makes a fucking tremendous.

this one. I went somewhere else and it was on the menu. I was, I'm going to throw you a couple of I ate one. I had to go right to the bathroom and puke and shit. Went right through me. And the meat, bro, this is a great restaurant. I went to, it's just too rich. Wow. It's just too fucking rich. You know,

it's just too much, it's just a steak with fat. That's what the Koreans do. First of all, that was... And then now they're calling for the... You go to eat it. There's a war going on in Korea, and you go eat at a Korean steakhouse. There's martial law. Little kids are getting hit with firecrackers and bottle rockets. So what does that have to do with me?

Because. Eating a, like, kimchi. Kimchi. Oh, my God. So, you don't like kimchi? Oh, yeah. I eat it all. It gets your stuff. The fart to be great. Yeah, I know. I know. But they came out like it was good. That's where you got the pinkie. No, it's not. First of all, stop calling it pink. I never got a sty until you

jinxed me at that Airbnb. No, that's, that's, because I just saw a picture of a woman who went to an Airbnb, got in a jacuzzi. She got a rachel of her fucking body. So keep it up with the Airbnb's. I don't go. I don't go. anymore. And the fucking Japanese steakhouses. What happened

was somebody went, you went to get a steak and they didn't wash the table correctly. You touched the table and then you rubbed your eye with your fingers. So how clean is the fucking restaurant? It wasn't the restaurant. The restaurant was fucking amazing. Yeah, the restaurant was amazing. You got a fucking stye, god damn. I didn't get it at the restaurant. You got it

somewhere. I think I had it before the restaurant which pissed me off. I hate that shit. I hate agony. I'm 36. He hates acne. I do. You think I like having spots? I don't know why I have spots.

Everyone else just goes about their day. You know I love acne? Why? Because I could pop the pimples. It keeps me to do something at night. I'm going to buy you. They sell toys that, like, are fake pimples you can pop. You want one of those?

No. I don't want a fake pimple. Sometimes you run out of pimples. You're hanging out with those fucking... I don't do it. I don't like popping pimples that much. You're hanging out with those students in New York with the bushkas on and shit. The fuck is wrong with you, Doug.

The Yeshiva students? I don't know who the fuck they are. There's some crazy people in New York. We were talking about a casino that they're going to build in New York before. Holy shit. But this shit goes through legal gambling in New York City. Don't, you're going to have to get like a helicopter. There's no more just zipping into the city.

I mean, you can't zip into the city no more. Let's get it out of the fucking way. No. But... Why do you think it's going to be so busy? A casino. But by Hudson fucking yards. But there's a casino with a hotel, with a dock so people can land helicopters,

a dock so people can pull them with their fucking boat, and an event center, and shopping, and malls. Are you fucking, we only got the space in New York, because that's a fucking island. Again, this is the shit I talk about. It's got nothing to do with me. It's not like I go over there every fucking day. Right.

It's got nothing to do with me. I could give a Frenchman's fuck. I come up here once a week to see you motherfuckers, and that's the extent of it. Next year, I've got to come up two times. Yeah. But that's it. I don't fucking come up here.

For me to go into the city, my friend invited me to Kevin. He's a great kid. He invited me to the Happy Madison Rap Party Saturday night for Happy Gilmore 2. It started at 7, but I had a fucking family thing. I had to beware with the kids. It was the neighbor.

And they give you a secret Santa and I ended up leaving because the mushrooms hit me too hard I had to go for a fucking ride all those kids yelling and screaming and I'm hearing Chinese people crying. I thought it was in Vietnam. They were like, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you were blaming the party, but you're like, I also took nine grams of mushrooms. That might be why you didn't show up to the party. Listen, I'm not going to go to a kid's party just to go to a kid's party. I'm going to go there with my wife.

We're going to eat the food. You know what they had? No. The shrimp palm that you like from that place. I love the fish shrimp farm. eating chicken and all the eggplants scallopini. Fuck you. I was digging three of those shrimps at the time.

Tell Vinny how big, Nicholas, how big those shrimps are. Oh, they were like fucking softballs or wiffle balls. They're fucking prawns with sauce and a hunk of cheese on it. Oh, my God. But I do want to thank Nick today for bringing fucking Fiorees out of a whole boken. Nick's been great. Some Italian fucking ham, some wet muts, and some prosciutto for later. That'll get your asshole going.

from Monday Night Football and that's it and that's that. Nick's been great. Nick has given me some rides. It's Joey's nephew. I will say Nick and I'm not trying to you don't have to go on the camera. You didn't even know what you did

and you really didn't do anything but we went out to eat yesterday and you ordered calamari and fried shrimp for the table and Nick pulled what I want to do as a fat guy but I never have done. There were three fried shrimp on the thing. He took two of them and I was like,

motherfucker, I was so pissed. I wanted one of those goddamn shrimp. That's someone with a lot of skinny confidence can do. You can just two out of the three shrimp, but I'm like, I got a water. Anybody have my water? Oh, another water? But yeah,

it's been great. There's like, I'm sure your buddy George has been very helpful, like all the time. Your other friend, Nick, has been great. There's been a lot of, like, as shitty as, like, the world is. There's a lot of helpful. It's been real fun being here. And, like, seeing the difference between here and

LA, between, like, the people we have around who will help and invite me. Like, even your neighbors at, like, the park shows or all, like, your neighbors are happy to see me. Man, people will never understand. And I like when people call me and they go, hey, you should do this or you should go on the road on Fridays and you should do this. What I want you to do before you invite me to do anything from now is come to Jersey, stay with me for five days and ask yourself, where do I need to go? at this point in my life. I'm just being very honest with myself.

Where do I need to go? I know who I am. I know my age. I know what I'm capable of doing. I know what I'm not capable of doing. And one thing I don't like doing in my life is not being able to cover this spread. I'm at a point in my life where I'm just having too much fun.

And it was a state of mind with me. When I got, see, stand up in me used to be a business. And it's great. It's great to take things seriously in your life. but comedy is about laughing and if you ain't laughing on the ride and you ain't laughing at the event and you ain't laughing with your friends

it's not worth doing there's no Hollywood in fucking comedy there's no Hollywood in comedy and that was the mix-up and for the first time my life first of all I never cared what people thought like when you go to Hollywood they'll tell you Nick you got to get rid of that joke because

it doesn't represent the TV show you're trying to put together listen I'm not trying to put together TV show. I'm just trying to make people fucking laugh. I want them to leave here howling. Not because I had to put a special set together, or I can't touch on this, I can't touch on that. I'm not talking about a lot of subjects I used to talk

about at all. I'm telling stories, I'm including my daughter, and I'm talking about what I'm going through now, which is, I just really don't give a fuck about your situation. I got my own problems, man. I was just on antibiotics for four weeks.

Do you know what that's like? That's a punishment. You don't even know until you get off them. I've been off him for maybe a, nah, tomorrow will be a week. I started, I didn't go to the bathroom for four fucking weeks. I couldn't fall asleep at night for four fucking weeks. Oh, no.

You know, it's, it, no, you know, and it's my ear and whatever, but I'm having a great time with my daughter. Yeah. I took it to the comedy show last week. I was going to bring that up. That's awesome. I took a Tuesday night to a comedy show with me, and I took a Wednesday night,

and it was hard to, take her Wednesday night because I knew what she was going to hear. And I knew what she was going to see. I didn't smoke in front of her. There was no reef of smoke back there. No. She saw the mushrooms in the bag. She looked the other way.

She's 11, and I told my wife, when I told everybody, after those 23 years in L.A. and the three years in Seattle, I saw a lot of insecure women and I saw women that their parents never spoke to their dads never sat them down and said Are you fucking crazy bringing that Jumoke in here? You know like just different things that you tell your daughter and like they realize what the fuck's going on

So for me it was like if I go back there I can't go back to my old life I gotta spend time with it I gotta spend time with it And I took it to the open mic and she had a fucking blast at the open mic and I'm like, this is not good And then the next day she heard me talking to my wife and she goes dad can I go to Jersey City with you And I had called my wife in the room I'm like what do you think about that and she's like Joe she's 11 if you think she's mature enough and I go let's give it a shot And she fucking panned out she had a good time she laughed she talked about it and I could see that she grew

you watch them grow right in front of you after you do something like that with them She looked like a little adult She was dressed like an adult She has a mascara on She looks like a fucking Hoker? I didn't know that.

Yeah The other night she came I'm like you remind me My mother at 3 in the morning That's what my mother looked like The mascara going down on your face The sweat My mother were coming at 3

With coke rings And fucking The black thing leaking And fucking But it was You know And not I'm not saying you had bad shows anywhere else,

but do you think there's any, like, correlation? Because I think you had the best show that I've seen you have in Jersey City. Well, what's going on right now is I'm getting better every week. You know, and it's not the material. It's not the... Confidence. It's not the confidence.

You don't think so? You don't think so what it is? Mm-hmm. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to still give you the best show I could give you, but I don't give a fuck. I can't. I can't worry about giving a fuck anymore.

I just can't. It's a different stuff. state of mind. I'm doing it for me. I'm telling the jokes I want to fucking tell. I'm doing the schedule I want to do. It's not, you know, the agents call me all the time. Hi. What do you think about a Friday night? Not really. Not really. And you know what? Next time you ask me about a Friday, I'm going to fly you in. And I'm going to show you my family on a Friday and what this neighborhood does on a Friday. And you tell me you have the audacity to tell these people, well, it's time for me to go. I got to go to each. I don't even want to do that. I don't want to do that. I don't

do that. I got two Saturday shows all next year. That's it. I got Valentine's Day and May 31st or something like that. That's it. The rest of them are Wednesdays. I got a Friday show in June. But it's just one show at 8 o'clock. And it's the 4th of July week. So I'm taking

that check. Gone. Gone. You won't see me until fucking the 8th of the night when I'm out of fucking everything else, you know? And that's the thing. This is a time I'm already making a plan for next year.

Like, I already have my plan for next year. Unless something happens, I fall off a building. You know, I fucking jump off the hotel balcony, like that poor bastard. You know, whatever the fuck I did. Then they blame it on drugs down. Oh, the singer? The singer, that poor bastard. 20-something years old.

He got too high. You know why? Because he didn't grow up in North Bergen. He would have been prepared. You would have been high when you're fucking 18, then you wouldn't have lost your mind and the fuck. Well, the guy delivered on drugs I'm not gonna put that poor bastard in jail.

He's just a bellman. You know, that's what Belman's do. How can I hook you up? Fuck. Is that what happened? I don't know. I'm just talking shit out of my ass. Anyway, we're gonna break for a quick ad.

We'll be back. Come on, guys. I got 16. The dealer got five. Should I hit or stay? He won. Both of you. Anyway, hey!

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Casino credits are non-withdrawable and expire in 168 hours. Terms at casino. on draftkings.com slash promos. We're back, bitches. Anyway, we were talking about fucking Lee found that Barone and Lucia, like, listen, I knew when I would start bringing my friends that I grew up with,

it would open up different avenues. And I've been getting, guys, I've been getting a lot of fucking emails lately. I got a lot of Facebooks from people that had gone to those schools over the years. Like, they don't land on your regular Facebook, they land like on a messenger or some shit.

The one day my messenger had like 11 fucking things in there. And I'm like, what the fuck? And it was just weird that we introduced the country to what teachers used to be. Oh my God. Like what teachers used to be. Holy shit. I was very proud that, I mean, he was a big part

in me getting my life together when I was younger. Then once my mother died, I couldn't. I couldn't go around him because I felt embarrassed of who I'd become for a few years. I didn't see him for a long time. I think I reconnected with him in the early, little,

the late 90s, like 96, 97. I reconnected with him and his wife Patty. How did you do that before the internet? I called. But I don't have any of my teachers. No, because you would call

somebody. knew somebody who knew somebody who would get you that person's number. Wow. And you just hunted out. Or I would call somebody and they go, you're not going to believe he was asking about you. And he said, if I called you to give you his number, you know. So that's how he reconnected with, like, Lisa Messina, Mr. Barone. There was a lot of people I didn't see it for a long time.

I didn't see George for a long fucking time. I didn't see George for seven years. I thought George was dead. Did he hear that? He told me during a movie that George had died. And I was depressed. I didn't know what was going on. I'm like, I said he's gone.

I mean, one of us was going to die. I didn't know which one at that point. We couldn't keep living how we were living. You know, me and George were nuts, you know? Right. And one day I'm on Kennedy Boulevard in front of my friend of my friend's business. And he pulls up with the Suzuki. And I'm like, that's fucking the ghost of George.

And that's what happened. I just reconnected with a lot of these people years later. You got to remember, I left in 85, and I did not come back until 91. And then I went back and came back in 93. And then after 93, I probably didn't show my face around here to about 96 and 97. And I would just come in for a day. I would do rascals and sleep on my friend's balcony or, you know, it was fucking insane what I would have to do. I didn't have the money to go to a hotel or nothing like that.

Right. it is nice I just had I just saw an old friend from L.A. this week it's been six years

since I saw her she got married since we left it was a lot of fun like it was cool to just it's cool when you're away from someone for years

and like you can catch up and see what their life is and you're still friends it's cool you know I went to meet my crazy brother Friday night okay

and well I was I was there, I'm looking at this table, and I go, I know this girl. And I go, do I know this girl? I grew up with her down by, she went to McKinley. She had Barone, and I went up to her. I haven't seen her since probably the, I did the show at the village. How long ago was that?

10 fucking years ago. That's 10 years ago. 2014, 2015, that's 10 fucking years ago. That's the last time I saw. She showed up for a big black dude. She's a little white chick with red hair, beautiful. She showed up with one of her car. I'm like, what the fuck, Joanne?

That's the biggest black man I've ever seen. She's like, he's my boss. He's married, don't ask. And then, yeah, I just bumped into it. And it was like, I didn't see her for 10 years, but all of a sudden, after two minutes, we were back to where we were right back, right back, talking about this,

that, this, that. So I take pride, man, and talking to my friends. I always thought that was a big cap in your life. If you can make your life, you know, you see people. You grow up with people, like you don't grow up with people. You meet people in California. And I would tell them, oh, I'm going to see my brothers at Comic Con. And, you know, they didn't grow up like that.

No. But after what you guys have seen in the two last podcast, I didn't grow up like a lot of fucking people. I still can't believe Lucio was cool with you after you were supposed to be spotting him and he dropped the thing and you were just somewhere else smoking weed. I don't know what you were doing in the corner. My mother was home. We were 12.

We were 11. We were kids. And we used to fucking all want to get in shape to play basketball, football, or baseball, or baseball. There was always something you were getting in shape for. And I don't remember who the karate guy with the white shirt was, but I have an idea. His name was Glenn.

He was fucking... I don't have an idea. I don't know who he was, but his name was crazy. This kid. This kid lived in one bedroom house with his mother, and the living room was just karate trophies. They didn't sit on the couches. You know where they lived on that building

on when the Kennedy Boulevard twist, when you're coming out of the White Castle, and you're going down to Kenny Boulevard, that brown building. This is 1975. That building was brand new then. Well, it wasn't brand new. then, but it looked a lot better than what it did. And he's, that's what he's talking about. The kid with the

Kung Fu kid with the white t-shirt, he was out of his mind. But fucking, yeah, that's what we hung out with. And now in the 21st, I'm going to dinner with the other side of that crew. The karate crew? That we all grew up with. Karate or North Bergen? North Bergen. North Bergen, like a McKinley school. So it's me, Dave Ruiz, Louis, Louis?

Yeah, Chuckie, fucking Whitey, who went to Kennedy. You've been talking about Louis since I Maine. So, it's a bunch of us that played basketball together in the sixth and seventh grade. Who fucking does that? And we do that four times a year. That's awesome. Four times a year. No drugs, no, no.

I'm the only junkie there. I'm the only one that they drink. I fucking smoke dope. And we pick fucking. tremendous restaurants. We just pick great places. They want to go all the time. They're like, we got to go to the stage in New Brunswick.

We got to go to the stage in New Brunswick, because they got the best hamburger, supposedly. They do. I like that burger. I like a lot of their food. Like that spaghetti. You know, they just want to go to great places, these guys. So they want to go to the city, to this place.

I'll tell them not to go to Cote. It's fucking, listen. First of all, it's called Cote. I can't tell him anything nice than I do. I'm just teasing me. But it was fucking... I wish I didn't get pissed off. Someone told me he has a trick

when like... Just to piss people off. And like, one of my comic friends, his name is Kevin Sanchez. Very funny New York comic. But he was saying if like someone's like arguing something, right? He'll just tell them that he doesn't care.

And it, like, I wish... I wish I could tell you that I didn't care when you were like, I wouldn't go to Cotein. That's where you get pink eye. I wish I'd be like, no, it's not. Who cares?

But I don't know what it is. Like you twist me up. I'm going to toy. And I'm like, it fucking drives me nuts. Did you eat an edible? You made me. Well, you watched me. No, I eat another edible.

You're light. You're light. I, first of all, I've ate four edibles now. No, you did. Yes, I did. I ate two of these, which are awesome. I've had a couple of different kinds of vias recently. The blue ones I had.

The blue ones are good. I had the red ones. The orange ones. I've had all the colors. And then we had another kind, which is on tape. I took four. It does not. Don't look at me like that.

I was the only one who took mushrooms with you yesterday I was the only one who took mushrooms No, and the owner of the restaurant Was eating them like it was the 4th of July But no one else at the table did He was having a good time But no one else at the table did Because they were all pussyfired

They're not like you're in a minute How many edibles can I take? Listen, how many pounds of potatoes will you eat before you die What the fuck does that even mean? How many chocolate bars are you used? eat before you die. How many fucking steaks were you eat before you die? Listen, it's all

in moderation. You got to eat some steaks, you got to eat some mushrooms. How is... It's a balance. 300 milligrams of moderation. I've had moderation. Listen, bro. We're going into the holiday season. Okay? As of Tuesday, it's like the, what's that song they sing? The 12 days of Christmas.

Yeah. We're two days away from that. That means we're on fucking... That means we're on different modes now. Now you could smoke that joint, now you could have that extra drink. It doesn't matter. Nobody's judging you. Everybody's happy that it's the holidays. We made it another year. You know, whether you're broke,

you're fucking rich, you don't have money, you're getting by, it's fucking Christmas. And you know what? The best Christmas as I've had is when I'm broke. Those are the ones that you dig deep. Somebody shows up at Boston Market Turkey. You bump into somebody. They've got a Xanax in the bottom of that trunk.

Somebody else has a joint. Their grandmother are left over there, and you're like, thug, at 7 o'clock I had nothing. Now I got fucking this, that and that. It's not what I wanted, but it's what God gave me. You know what I'm saying? I feel like you, do you have like a drug advent calendar that you do? Like, what do you mean?

Like, just a different every, what do you mean? I don't, because it's a Christmas season, we take more edibles every day? It's over. What is it? You put the work in all year. Yeah, but we don't get a month off. You put the work and you dealt with drama. You moved.

Fucking, you had a hell of a year. That's it. It's fucking miller time, bitch. Okay? And it starts. So the last three weeks of the month are just, I'm just done? Listen, I got something coming in that's big. Remember in Scarface? We have a big meal coming in.

Big. We got a mule coming in. And that mule's going to take us straight to the fucking 31st. So this choochoo breaks down. And then you ain't going to see me. I'm going to do one of those NAD shots, like 100 milligrams and get my cellular fucking motive combed back. no idea what the fuck you're doing.

I'm going to hit in the fucking. I'm going to sit in that red light therapy and get my cells. Oh yeah, you cheated all the time. And then I'm back. And then I'm back like herpes. Yeah, but you cheated. What cheat? Every time in L.A., you'd be like, I'm not high at all.

And then you do, if I froze and did the therapy and sweat, you, and I was just sitting there with nothing. No, you wouldn't sweat it. You were just throwing edible juice on top of edible juice, on top of carnita fries. You know, it wasn't good. Yeah, but I didn't have. You got to sweat that shit out. you got to go on that like when I go in the red light sauna

that's it that means I clean my slay I said going to confession everything that's bad is out of you especially if you worked out that day you got the salt out of you you got the fatty issues you go home you wash that sweat off your fucking body so it doesn't go back in your body and now it goes back in your body if you don't if you leave that disgusting sweat on your body with the toxins that came out eventually the toxins are going to go back in

so you want to go home and wash your pussy fix your hair nice scrub a dub, your pores are open. Now it's when you do the lufa, you lufie your asshole, I kill that hemorrhoid. I hit it with a hammer. That's it. My hemorrhoid is down to this now. It was like this from the antibiotics.

Right. And it was like a trap door. It was like, fuck in. I swear to God. I had a shit and then take the thing and pull it to the side. You would hear it go, no, you didn't.

Yes, I did. Yes, I did. And you refused to get preparation age. Because how embarrassing is that they're going to CVS and go, where's the preparation? Then, if not, now you've got to figure out how to get that tube up your ass, which is embarrassing. It's not that. First of all, how big is the CVS?

You can just walk around. Second of all, I only had one hemorrhoid in my entire life, which is surprising. But you got like three styes. Yeah, I got more than three. What's a difference? A stey and a hemorrhoid. Because you have to stick something up your ass and I don't have to stick something up your ass. And I don't have to pull something over my asshole.

It's a starroy. Yeah, it's gone in four days. That's a little hemorrhoid on y'i. It's gone in four days. And why? Because you touch that tape. like Coletian left over from Wuhan and you pull in your eye. That's why. But then stick something up your asshole. No racism here. I'm just stating the facts. What?

It's not racist if it's facts. It's actually my favorite bottle that I've seen ever. Like the one time I had a hemorrhoid that little tip of the Preparation H thing it goes you don't even feel it. That's what they always tell you. That's what they told ditty. That's what they told fucking, whatever, Jamie Fox, that's what they tell them all. You're never going to feel nothing. Nobody will know. I don't want to stick it up your ass.

My phone's in my room. Nobody's going to know nothing. Next thing you're in the hospital. You got stitches in your ass. You know, you're fucking looking around your room. You go, what the fuck happened to me? Because don't even tell me that

why would I drug you unless I'm going to do something to you? Jamie Fox got fucked up, dog. They must have fucked that motherfucker up. He was like, fucking Jesus, don't you go down there messing with them Jews without no money. You know, think about it. He went to a ditty party.

He was out of commission for like three fucking weeks. He was twitching for like two weeks. That's deep. That's a roofie and a half. That's one of those German-Russian roofies. That's one of those Holocaust roofies. So he was saying this happened recently? Because I remember when he went to the hospital.

Yeah, he went to the hospital and it came out. Now, supposedly there's stories that he called the, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I just hear little things. I don't read because whatever the fuck they put on there is bullshit. Whatever they put the bullshit. You know, Twitter has become...

X. What? It's called X now. Yeah, ha, ha, ex. Ma'am. Hey, how are you coming? X. Like, you go on Twitter, it's Alex Jones saying that we're going to get killed on January 20th.

They're going to spray two more viruses on us. It's become, instead of fun, Twitter, there's that one chick still sucking dick on Twitter. God bless her. I think there's more than one. There's one girl that is skinny. She got the ass of a bone like that. She looks like a tripod. She sucks dicks, this fucking big, black ones.

BBC, that's her fucking code name. What's BBC? Big black cock. Yeah, or she sucks dick in England for that radio station. And wait, you know, this is just because you follow her, right? There's more. No, she just appeared on my house. Like, I follow somebody who sucked dick.

I got 11-year-old. I don't get anyone sucking big black cocks on my underwear. This chick, there's two of them. I have a chubbier one that fucks Marines and shit. She just goes, all these young Marines, and she's like 40. And she fucks all them. She puts pictures. She got abs.

But it's all fake. The ass is fake. The abs are fake. The other one, I forget, well, how fucking name is. Dog, every other day. She's putting pictures up. They meet other girls and they just go to a hotel room. She fucking fucks her fans from PayPal.

They send like an email. They have to send like a medical exam. And she'll fuck you. She'll meet you in a hotel room. Wait, they pay on PayPal or what do you mean PayPal? The other one where people go in there. Oh, like only fans? Only fans.

Okay. PayPal. Did I say PayPal? Yeah, how much does it cost to fuck somebody? Hold on. We got to go to a message from our sponsor. We'll be right back. The conversation is heating up.

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no idea. Fucking one of the producers just found a piece of gum on the bottom of gum shoe over here. He's like a detective from the 60s. They all have like a nail on their shoe and a piece of gum. That's why they call them gum shoe.

Is that why? I don't know. I always step in, do you ever walk around and think you stepped in shit? Not really. No? I look at the floor to make sure I don't step in shit, okay? How often are you looking at the ground?

The whole time. First of all, I'm old. I'm always looking at the ground because I might fall. I could fall any fucking minute. My balance is tip-top, McGoo, but I got to work on it. Really? What do you do to work on your balance? You do strength exercises so you don't fall.

You know, my bones get weaker now. I've been listening to this lady lately. That sexy lady who talks about your health all the time, Patrick, whatever, I fucking love her. And the other day, she said by the time you're 75, you're like 3% of your muscle. But if you start lifting in your 40s and 50s, You'll build a reserve. So when you're 75, muscle is the whole fucking thing.

Protein is the whole thing. You ever see when you're 80 and you're soggy? You're not going to live that long. You know what I'm saying? You got to be tip-top of a goo. What is soggy meaning to you? You know, when you're soggy. Like, just they look soggy?

Like the way I look. I'm soggy. You don't look soggy. But the more hard of you work, you have that muscle. It goes all. Sarkopinia is when your bones start to lose. You know, so it's easier to break bones and shit.

So that's what you try to stay around. When I box, I always work on my balance, my footwork, you know. I go to boxing class because there's numbers. I know, listen, with the amount of drugs I took and, you know, trauma and hits to the head and nose and there's going to be dementia. You have to expect it at our time right now. You don't have to. No, everybody else gets it. It's in fucking milk.

It's in carrots. I don't know what the fuck it's in. But every time you took your grandfather, he don't remember you. And this is more, when I was a kid, everybody remembered everybody. Everybody remembered everybody. They could be 100. Oh, you're little fucking Nikki from the bottom of the corner. You used to throw snowballs at the birds, you know.

Oh, my God. Now you go see these people, and they're like, who are you? Who am I? Who am I? I put the bathrooms in this joint. You know what I'm saying? Who am I? Oh, my God.

I was just going to ask you something. What are you going to ask me now? I don't know. No, we were talking about something. You don't remember what we were talking about? Not really. God damn it. Oh, Rhonda Patrick.

Rhonda Patrick. Because you've worked really hard the last couple of years. You were talking about sleep. And that's like probably the worst thing I have right now. I'm just not sleeping at all. You're up at all. You're up at 8 in the morning. You're doing...

Listen, sorry to tell you. I'm very sorry to tell you. When you do comedy, you don't sleep. Seems like it. The hours just don't add up. Because in your mind, you're like, oh, I got to be at work at 8.

You know? Eight comes quick when you go to bed at 12. 12. And if you go to bed at 12, three nights already you're carrying that tiredness for Thursday. And when you're a comic, you can't have.

that. It's like two. But our thing makes you want to get on stage. You got to get on stage. You got to get better. You got to try this joke. So now how many times do you go out and go, I'll be home by 10? Never. And you're walking at 2 in the morning. You never come home with the time you're going to think. And that's why comedy has no

you know, that's why once you decide to quit your job to become a professional, then you sleep at, you know, you don't have to get up until 9 or 10 then. But again, you don't have to get up until 9 or 10 then. But again, you don't want to ever get up and miss a call at nine from somebody.

No. So that was my world. Like even if you snorted Coke till 6, you want to snort Coke till 6. Go ahead. In fact, I'll give you an extra package. Snort it till 7. But you better be up at fucking 9. And that's something that you can't put an alarm for.

You have to do it. You have to go, listen. I snort until 7.30, I ate ass. I got to get up at 9 with those fucking sheets come out. Because if somebody gets up before me and they see those sheets and they submit, They might get that role. Yep. This goes back to basketball, George.

George is practicing basketball. I'm sitting here at a wedding with my mother. Fuck you. George is getting better. I'm not. You have to think like that sometimes. And that's the truth. That's it.

When you're doing that type of, when you're a comedian, an artist, you're starting a business. I let these people that start a business and then they want to go to Europe. We'll go to Europe. Good. I can't wait to your employees

robbed this shit out of you. Right. Can't wait. Can't fucking wait. Can't wait. There's no vacation. The kids want to go to Disneyland. Fuck the kids.

The summer they work. They work at the fucking plant. You know, and that's the problem. People forget that you got to watch. You got to stay on top of your game. You got to stay on top of your shit. And I don't know about you, motherfuckers, but I'm to an age right now that...

I was talking to somebody Friday, and they said to me, Joey, you fucking stiffed me last week. And I go, what I am? And they go, you remember, we were talking on the phone? And you said you called me back that night. And I go, my brother, do you think I really fuck? I go, first of all, shame on you for sitting at home and waiting for me to call you.

If I tell you, I'm going to call you Thursday by 7 and fucking, you know, I come home and now my daughter's got braces and her teeth hurt. That's it. That's it. But I don't remember Thursday at 8. And I go, you really think I would blow you up because I didn't know my feelings. I go, dog. And what about urine?

You can't pick up the phone and go, show you. Weren't we meeting? Oh, I didn't want to bother you. Bother me. If I fucking told you I'm going to do something. Guys, I don't have it anymore. I don't have time. Nick and I were talking yesterday about all this shit in the news. You have to decide when you're my age on what you want to retain. Do I need to retain anything that they talk about CNN? Why are they still talking about Kamala Harris. Why are they still talking about all this shit three weeks later?

Do I want to retain this? Is that what you want to do? Retain this? There's more important. It's like I was telling my brother, Joyce. Listen, everybody wants to fucking help charities and shit, right? Everybody's always, oh, I donated to the blind. I donate. But the reason

why, you got a grandmother that's barely making the money. Why don't you mind your business and stop being a good guy for people and be good to your fucking grandmother. We got a community around us. And that's what we thought, you know, it's always, and that's part of our problem. We're nice people. We think about other people

and shit, but at the same time, what's that thing? You know, when you believe, there's something with my computer, where you don't have enough memory, Joey. Well, guess what? That's what's going on now. You don't have enough memory

to retain, and that's not just going on to me, guys. That's happening to you, guys, you just don't know it. I mean, you're old enough, and I'm old enough, my brother, George. We didn't have this much information. We had ABC, NBC, CBS. Fox was a pimple on an ass. They didn't talk about nothing. The first show they had was the Simpsons and Leguizamo, House of Buggin. Nobody remembers Fox. Then they got America's Most Wanted and married with children. But, you know, they weren't, we had three ways to get news. And if you

You wanted to know what happened in North Bergen or New York City, you had to watch eyewitness news or 12 or 9th, 12 and whatever. Now we have 30,000 fucking news avenues. You go on the computer, you got Yahoo, this, that, Forbes, B, beep, bap, boom. Not to mention, when I was a kid, I watched Happy Days. I watched the Waltons. That's two days a week. Every fucking night, you got to fucking find a different streaming service.

Remember your fucking code? Yeah. How much shit can you put on your mind before your mind finally goes? It's the law diminishing returns. You know, that's why you have to do shit. Now you have to read about stuff you could do. Like, they say turn off the computer at night.

They say turn off. Bro, when I get up in the morning, I do not look at that cell phone. It's not, nothing is good news on that cell phone. Nothing in the morning. You have your coffee, you look out your window, look at that. bird. I don't care if you look at the Russian guy, pushing the garbage into his

backyard. It's a lot better than reading what's on yang first thing in the morning. Do you ever feel like you're addicted to your phone? No, not like that. Because you had addiction problems. Like you never feel, because I do. A thousand percent, I spend way too much time on my phone. And it's not even like I feel the urge, but if there's ever a second of like just silence, you just reach for the phone. Listen, in today's society, everybody's addicted to the phone. everybody complains about people being a big addicted to the phone.

I have a family and I hang out with other kids with families and this is what you see when you go to a restaurant you see the kids rip out the phones but then the parents rip out the phones so we got no leg to stand on

right you know the phone was a very great invention but the more you have a phone you're like this wasn't a good idea it was good at a flip phone this was not a good idea because now you have

like when I call you on your cell phone I don't know about you, I expect to get you on your cell phone. If I call your house, you're in the shower washing your pussy, you're somewhere, you're out at the bodega, whatever the fuck you're doing. But if I call you, when we call your cell phone now, we expect for you to pick up that fucking cell phone. It's in your pocket. Every time I see you, you're on there. Right?

Every time you see anybody. But then when you call them, they're not around. Dog, it's the worst thing in the world. Because I feel like I got to pick it up because it's on me. It's fucking on me, guys. You know it is. It's on you. So this could be anybody.

This could be your daughter. This could be. But there's so many other things on the phone that the way Instagram it's taken away, like, you know, Nick and I were talking about specials yesterday. Who watches a whole hour? Very rare. You know, we listen to a long podcast. because we have to drive a truck or deliver UPS or whatever. But it could take someone, this is going to be like, what, 90 minutes?

This could take someone, in theory, a few days to listen to, you know, when they're driving back and forth or doing something. Some people listen to seven a day, but it's, the phone's great. I don't know if I see something, a good guest, I want to see you something. No, but you don't have the lifestyle to listen to seven a day. There's definitely people who do. And I wouldn't. No, you wouldn't?

No, because it's like Sunday football. I would love to be able to sit there from 1230 and sit there until 10 o'clock at night. Oh, I eat too many wings. This is what you do every fucking week. I can watch the first quarter of the one o'clock game, the first half. Okay. Then I'd like to go for a ride. You always say this.

What do you do on this ride? I call you. I call anybody who missed the call. I call somebody I have to check in with. I call my agent. I call my other agent. You don't know. It's Sunday.

You're getting ready for the fucking Monday, Jack. So, and I'm... The fuck. Sunday, Sunday's the Lord's Day. But that's still about 1 o'clock. Right. Then you watch a little football, then you take your little nap,

you smoke some pot, you give the wife a stabbing, you take a shower, and you get up. It's whatever, Disney or whatever they used to have when we were kids to show with the animals. Now I watch a little 60 minutes, and in between that little break, between the 820 game and whatever, I'll go in the notebook and get your week going. Come on. It's Sunday, motherfucker.

You've got a clear head. Let's go. What are we doing? I call Terry in. What are we doing this week? Because I don't have my schedule. Like, I had a complete schedule last night, and she dropped games on me this week and practices. You know.

But why do you – I think the drive is interesting because I like driving. But why not just make those calls at home? Because I have a wife and a kid, and I love my wife to death. But I told you this a couple weeks ago. I could be sitting there all morning playing fucking wheel of fortune. Draft Kings have like some casino thing and I'll go on it. I'm losing. I lose like 40 bucks in dollar bills, you know?

Right. I usually take 50 and play $50. And then if I win, I get the points. I'm a fucking, you know, I'm down to my $48 and I just hit a jackpot. That's when my wife shows up as I'm hitting the three wheels. You know how many times she does this? Every fucking day. I could sit downstairs just writing for 25 minutes, not hear a fucking peep.

And all of a sudden I go, it's 10 o'clock. I got to call Mick, I got to call this guy, got to call this guy, got to call my agent. And that first fucking call, there she is. Now she has to put a load of laundry. She couldn't have done it all morning. Then it's upstairs. Then she forgot to bring the stock down.

So that's another trip down. Then what are you doing? Then you get that, what are you doing? And then they go up again. And then there's another load down. Up and down. So that's why in the mornings, I do everything I do. She leaves for work.

I eat breakfast. I wash my pussy. I'm out of the house by 9.15. I walk into that gym and I ride the bike for 30 minutes. I do like a hit workout. I got it all the way up to 12 now. I stretch. Depending on what my day calls for, I either stay there or I go to the boxing gym.

But in between that, I park in the corner of my parking lot. I get a bottle of water, a pack of nicotine gum, and a half a number. And I call all you, motherfuckers. And that's how you do it. So nobody could bother me. Nobody has to ask me a question. You've been here for an hour. You've been sitting in that chair for a fucking hour.

An hour you've been sitting in that chair. And all of a sudden, I got to make a call. And now you want to talk about fucking Tuesday of next week or whatever. And it never fails. I love my wife. I'm very fortunate that she goes up and down, up and down. I could be unfortunate, and I don't have a wife that goes up and down, up and down. But at the same fucking time, it never ends.

Mercy is a half a painy ass, maybe a quarter. She's not bad at all. Okay. She's like a father. Okay. So then she says going to bed, bed doesn't come out of our mouth. I already pop up from my chair and walk towards my office. That means good night. I sit at my desk, I turn the computer on, four or five minutes past.

She's still. She just told me she's going to bed. Then I see her walking and all of a sudden that she's about to go up the stairs. Something happens on the TV and she looks at it for another two minutes. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there ready to fucking write a novel, ready to write jokes, ready to get the party started, and then she'll come in and tell me something. Like, did I tell you about the whatever's kid, they insulted me the other day, and I thought you were going to fucking bed.

Again, I could be sitting on the chair at 4.30, like this with my feet up. fucking socks, no sneakers on. I got the blankie. I got the cat. I'm not a TV doer, but it's 4.30. I got nothing else to do. I already did everything I had to do. I'll be sitting there. There they do.

There's my wife. Okay, so I'm going to go to Starbucks and then I'm to stop at LeVote's. Okay. Love you. See you in a while. Do you hear the garage

door open, you hear the garage door close, I pull my phone out, let me call Nick. First minute, the garage door is opening up. Oh, I forgot my cell phone. Dog, you have no idea. Like, I would never lift my hand to my wife, but when she comes back, but she forgets a cell phone or something like that, my blood pressure, and I told her, from now on when you forget something, don't come back because now my mind is onto a different headset

it's like when I go yo Lee I'll meet you at Rudy's at 730 right okay what was I gonna say I forget now what would like change your mindset oh okay I text you

are you hungry and you text me yeah and I go 730 Rudy's and you say, yeah, that's the end of the conversation. Don't text me again. That's it. Don't hit me in 10 seconds, because once I put that phone in my pocket, and that phone hits again, and I pray this ain't leak,

because then I got to say something to him. It's usually somebody else. Thank God. If it's that person again, I have a buddy I call, and you can't text them because it's yes, no, bye. All of a sudden, you get four fucking more taxes. One every four minutes to really aggravate me. Like, and then it takes a breather.

Then it takes a breather. I'm fucking ready. I thought you used to be upset with just voicemails. You're at a new level of, like... Oh, I'm telling you. It's over. I don't have the patience for the nonsense no more. You know, I go to a restaurant.

It's my favorite fucking restaurant. Right. I go in there for a year. Nobody talks to me. Obviously, I become friends with some of the patrons and the owners, and I really like them. When the place has, like, every time the place is packed and I'm talking to the owner or something,

five kids, like the place will be three deep at the bar. The DJ will be back there. They listen to that Jersey music, that fucking, and all these Jersey housewives, I'm international, all you know. Some fucking chick was telling you, She's a gypsy. It's all bullshit.

And they're dancing back there. And it's always like five kids. Hi, Mr. Diaz. Can we take a picture? Listen. Do me a favor. And they just don't understand that they don't understand that it's not that I'm being a dick.

This is the problem. You have 200 other idiots in there. You five idiots are going to come over. I'm going to take a picture with each of you. You're going to give me the same earbeaten. We love you. I'm Rogan. Okay, and then you're going to walk away.

And you're happy. You got your little fucking picture. Now, guess what? This fucking person I was telling my life story to, now our night is ruined. Because everybody who saw me taking the pictures with you is going to come up to me. So when you are on your way home,

I'm getting tortured to the point where, in the back of my mind, I go, why do I even go out? Really, it's that that much? There's certain nights where you go there, and it's older people, they don't bother you, but there's certain nights you go in, I wanted that three weeks ago with Mercy after Wicked.

I'm tripping on fucking mushrooms. Yeah, I'm out of water. I got to pee, I go, let me go in there. I go in there, two kids right away. Midnight. Hi, you Joe Diaz, no, I'm Aaron Rogers. Come on, you look like Mr. Diaz. I mean, dog, I know.

I shook both their hands and said, I'm not right now. I'm with my daughter. Plus, I'm tripping on mushrooms. Anybody else would say, thank you. What made you move to New Jersey? Are you still doing comedy? What are you going to be on Rogan?

What did I just fucking tell you? Take a eye. Look at my eyeballs. They're spinning like the inside of a fucking wheel of fortune. From the mushrooms and from seeing a black chick that's green and wicked, I'm still fucking annoyed. And fucking, you want to come up to me and ask me these dumb questions? At midnight.

Meanwhile, they're cokeed up. That's the problem. They're, ha, ha, ha. And you can tell they're not ready for coke. These are two little fags. They're still on the vapor pen level. Right. Oh, my God, this vapor.

Ha, ha, ha. Don't drink wine with it. Don't eat cereal with it. Lee sees it all the time. People give me edibles. Be careful. And Lee's like, it's fucking Jamoke. And then we, there's a guy that came to me, like, I started an edible company.

These are really strong. The idiot I was telling the way here. He gives me, he gives me a sheet. It's 100 milligrams, but it's the 100 milogam. Everybody who says it says it's the 100 milligrams strongest they've ever had in their life. Okay. Right in front of him. I took the thing out and I go, this, and I just ate it.

He got fucking pale. The dude's like, I don't want to be responsible. I go, no, no, no. He goes, you should take these. when you're home. You shouldn't take these when you need to try. I called him two hours later.

I go, listen, don't you ever call me again with that finoic fucking edible. What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you? And he was petrified. At least been there.

Be careful. Be careful with that cookie. Okay, thank you for telling me this. Meanwhile, you've been smoking dope for three fucking years, Jamokie. Right. And people, like, I'm surprised people still say that to you. For me,

like, they just see me fucked up, and I get it, I am fucked up. But I'm also on, like, tonight, like, 300 milligrams. If you give me a 10 milligram edible, I'm not going to feel it. No. So it's like... It's like three grams of mushrooms. That's like... That's an apparel of teeth for me.

Like, that will... Like, tonight I look to see how much mushrooms I had, had perfect three grams. I'm like, leave this at home. why even this is a waste of this will just be a little jiggle this will bury you

this will bury the regular human being three grams I gave you two and a half at that fucking at that open mic and you were like it's getting hot in here I kept throwing ice cubes out of me shit

you were throwing ice cubes out of me shit but yeah all those mushrooms hit us like a fucking right punch to the head we were fucked up fucked up I walked in there Joey jarer let let that night guys Save your life story tonight. Two guys, can you get me on Rogan?

And some guy came up to me at the restaurant here, and he's like, I don't mean to bother you. But that's the best line I heard all year. And I go, what? He goes, I was there tonight in Freehold. At the open mic, the big room when you went up, and you're like, listen, I know. He goes, you went up there and said,

first off, put your fucking phones away. I don't want to see your fucking phone. This is comedy. And you could see a little. a lot of people's faces drop. Put your phones in your pocket. This ain't no secret agent movie. And number two,

I know your kid's very talented. He probably plays the bass at the school band. You know. But guess what? I can't get him on Rogan. So don't fucking ask. Because I had a bunch of those the last couple of months. I never told you.

No. Oh, yeah. My kid's talented. He got a 4.0 on this, listen, I can't do nothing for you. I swear to God, I get those, and those are the best. I love you, idiots. You know, my husband just fell downstairs. Some ladies wrote me like a two-page Facebook. A husband fell on the stairs. They put a metal cap on him. You know, he's getting fucking radio away. I don't even know. I stopped after a minute because, you know, this is, I Then I just look at the bottom. If you could tell Mr. Rogan to call us, we'd love to explain what NASA did to my kid's

eye. Listen, you know, it's, if I call Joe and refer Lee, he won't put Leon, but if he calls me and says, what do you think of Lee? And I go, Lee's great. He'll put Lee on. These people think that you could just call these people and go, yeah, I had my friend's fucking wife, never talk to me again. She wanted me to put her friend on.

This book explains all the mysteries of life. You know, but she lives in fucking Burbank. You know what I'm saying? Dude, one of the hardest, I laughed, because we took some mushrooms yesterday, and we were out to eat, and this person came up to you. And I don't know with this specific one, but I've heard it happen to you a few times. Someone's like, hey, I was just with so-and-so, and they really want you on their podcast. And they think it'll be great.

We should say, and you're nicer than I would expect you to be. But, like, the idea of, like, I'm just so jealous of people who would have the balls to be like, hey, I get 100 views. I think Joey should be on this. Like, that's crazy. Like, people don't know. People think you're going to go on that podcast to save it. They have no idea that's probably worse for your podcast. Because if you get that spike, what goes up comes down like a motherfucker quickly.

So you always want to work your, and I tell people right out. When they call me, I'm like, listen, here's a situation. First of all, you're an hour away. That's two hours out of my day. That's two. Plus, the hour that we talk shit before we do it, and I know your neighbor's going to come over by mistake. Oh my God, it's Joey Diaz.

I know. I know. I already know. Before we even do this, I already know they're going to have a drop-in, and I'm going to have to talk to that fucking idiot for 10 minutes. You know, this is just that you already know. And you look at it and you go, what is my benefit to three and a half hours?

Now, you're there for other comics. You're there for other podcasters, but I'm not 28 no more. You know, I got to take a nap at 3 o'clock. I go down in the afternoon for 45 minutes, 50 minutes, you know. Those days of, now the end, I start smoking at 6.30. My daughter leaves at 7.10. I'm already high by 7.20 in the morning. What did you do today?

Do you know what I'm saying? Right. So it's, yeah, but I can't believe people would ask you to get... Listen, that's part of the business. We used to ask people. Uncle Joey here, yet again.

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Thank you for supporting the Church New Testament. And don't forget, get your aura frames. Dot com promo code Joey, okay? We were talking about something, how to get up and pee. In the bathroom, I told Lee, remember what we're talking about. Let me just go pay real quick. I'm in the bathroom, not 10. I didn't even close the door, and I heard a lot of yakking out here,

A lot more than, you know, yacking and giggling and things moving and feet moving. They just can't leave shit where the fuck they are. I come out here, it was a long P, but I come out here and all four of them were like, we don't know what you were talking. Yeah, he remembered, but these fucking, cock, cagach, cac, cac, cac, cac, cac, cac. You know. Now we learn our lesson. That's excessive information.

Yeah. We don't need it. I don't care. Listen, leave the fucking stool how it is. It's burn the fucking thing. If there's gum on his shoe, leave it there. He should have cleaned it off before. It don't matter.

We dig, everybody? I dig. Now you understand where I'm coming from, you fucking animals? We only have so much space like your fucking computer. It's over because the bullshit. So that's why you have the rules that you have. You could also just smoke a little bit less. Smoke a little bit less, what?

Weed. I don't know. I don't smoke a lot of weed. No? I just smoke weed to prepare me for, you know, and I'm a positive guy. I wake up every morning going, it's going to be a fucking great day today. I'm going to stab the motherfucker. I'm going to do this.

I'm going to do this. I'm going to try to make some money. And there's always a curbball. And how we react to that curveball is how the rest of the fucking day goes. But after a while, you already know, like, once you, I'm high when I go to the gym. I'm very high and I'm very calm. I slip in, I say good morning. That's it.

I got on the bike and we always have ESPN on which helps our cause so I could pay attention what happened and I sit and I wait now I'm doing hits on the bike which is 30 seconds of like 10 and then 30 seconds of 6

and then I'll go back up to 7 you know and I got to memorize this shit but then again there's always that one person that wants to come over and start chit-chat with me you don't know how many times I almost die I run out of oxygen And I'm like, we got to go. And then they want to stand here, which I got a fucked up, left eye, whatever.

So once I've got to look at this right, I start getting vertigo. It's like when you're in a bar and the TV's there and people want to give you an earbeaten, you got about 10 seconds. 10 seconds, because I'm not going to sit like this the whole afternoon. Really, your father was a cop. I don't give a fuck. We're at the bar. There's a bunch of women.

There's a bunch of people. Everybody's watching a football game You want to tell me a fucking life story Now I got a fit like this, though, fucking man. Think about that shit. Nobody thinks about that shit. Yeah, it does piss you off. It's fucking like simple things.

So, you know, I go to the gym And right away, like today I went to the gym. Nice gym. I love the people. But there's two people that are like, you know, they come in and they just say Moana. They're 40 years old. They talked about Moana for a fucking half hour

doing the thing. Moana 2. We didn't see Moana 1. Are you fucking crazy? crazy. Moana, Jews are fighting in Syria, and you're talking about fucking Moana? Are you fucking crazy? It's a chatty gym, they're older, so it's a very like, people will stop and talk to each other. They stop, they got like two seconds. What's up? And I don't insult them. I just keep working out while they're talking to them. I don't have the time. What do you want to talk about? We're in the fucking gym. You know, I don't know how many.

times. I don't know if this happened to anybody lately. Have you been to a men's room lately? There's always a jerk off in there on the phone, but on a camera phone? What? Like talking to another jerk off? Like, yeah, I'm here. I'm here in fucking Burger Brothers and, you know,

it's right. Like in the last month, two bathrooms I've gone in, there's two jerks. And men, not fucking kids. Men! On a fucking cell phone doing audio. Yeah, I told them that I'll pick him up after the game

Look get that fucking video off. We just somewhere we just went to Somebody had a fucking maybe Jersey City One of those places had to look at somebody and go you got to get the camera out of the bathroom He was at the urinal with his dick in one hand With his other fucking hand You know I can't do it now you want to ask me why I smoked dope anyway Listen it was a fun podcast.

We talked a lot of shit. We're high as fuck. And guess what, motherfuckers? The church is back, whether you like it or not. So we're here every fucking Tuesday morning, ready to rock you. Tell them where you're at this weekend, Lee. This week, I'm with Josh Wolf in New Jersey, Delaware,

Pennsylvania, the 11th through the 14th. Check it out. Comedianjoshwulf.com, Newark, New Jersey, Red Bank, Newark, and Wilmington, Delaware. Wilmington, Delaware, Eastern Pennsylvania. And I'll be at the Stress Factory Wednesday night. It's sold out. Do not go to any of the sites and pay any amount of money more than $30.

If you do, you're a fucking MoMo. And I'd be really upset with you. I want to thank all our sponsors. And I want to thank you guys for giving us another chance on a Tuesday morning. And I want to thank Nikki Porkchops for bringing some Fiorees straight out of Hoboken. They've been there for how long, dog? 80 years? 80 years?

80 years, Jesus was there. What the fuck have you done lately? I'm going to thank the head technician, George Kaladinsky, and my brother, Nick McIntosh, Apples. He's Apple. You ever met that guy? Hugh Apples, McIntosh.

He was a gangster with the Columbo's, but he couldn't be made because he was Irish. See, you always learned something good on here. Where would I mean this guy? He died. I don't fucking now. The fuck is wrong with you. I love you, Coxuckers.

See you next week. What's happened, you savages? The Church New Testament today is brought to you by Blue Chew. Listen, some people want a hippopotamus for Christmas. Some people just want a big, strong, firmer dick. If you're ready to get in on this Christmas, you need Blue Chew. Blue Chew is an online service that sends a chewable form of the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis. At a huge discount like your little helmet's going to get.

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