The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - It's time to play for keeps

Episode Date: June 30, 2026

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt solo, like old times. To discuss going to jail at 64, the difference between being a strict parent now vs what parents were like when Joey was growing up, the origins of some of Joey's criminal behaviors and much more! SHOW NOTES Save 20% on your first online order at http://lucy.co/CHURCH with promo code CHURCH. Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code JOEY @ http://BlueChew.com/

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happening, beautiful people. It's the church of what's happened now. New Testament, June the 30th, the last Tuesday of the month. I'm sitting here with my buddy fucking Johnny Hitler. You know what I'm saying? He's back for another fun-filled episode on a beautiful Tuesday morning. What's going on, Doctor?

I thought I liked Johnny, the Jewish Cato or whatever he used to call me. Johnny Hitler. Johnny Hitler. That's a good name for you. Hitler. It's Hitler's cousin or something that's told him. He don't have to be related. What do you mean he doesn't have to be related? Just Johnny Hitler. That's it.

I'm so sorry to assume. That's your new street name. Johnny Hitler. Why? Because I'm Jewish. The cops, when the feds listening, they'll never, who are they talking about? He's got to be a fucking German. Nah. Do you think... Do you follow me, so I'm throwing them off for you? I appreciate it. Do you think in the whatever, 15, 16 years, the feds

ever were like listening at some point? with all the crazy shit we were doing. For a couple weeks. They had a tune in and go, what the fuck? Where is society going? Oh, they must. Whenever I watch a movie or a TV show about crime, that always blow, like when the American gangster,

when like Denzel is doing all that shit, but they're building a case and he has no idea. That gives me, that freaks me out so much. I'm not building the case against you. What? What is? Johnny Hitler hasn't done anything. Johnny Hitler did something.

Johnny Hitler's innocent. Holy. Hitler did something. It's fucking crazy how I was just moving. How the fuck is it June 29th already? I know. You just got married in December. It was six months two days ago.

That's fucking insane. I know. Wednesday? Yeah. Thursday is 26 years, me and Terry Wednesday. Oh, shit. When on our first date, the lake. Havasu.

I thought it was 25 years like three weeks ago. Jesus. It's 26 years. That was your first date? Lake Havisu? Yeah. Fuck. July the 1st is also when I left Boulder.

So that's been 31 years. No, I left Boulder June 25th a week before July 1st. Do you like write these dates down? Like I just keep them in my fucking mind because I was telling you about that first time. I got, like I was explained to leave that. sometimes bookers, it's not that they don't like you. It's that they're being overwhelmed. And then, you know, you have your friends call them.

Nick will call, Georgia call. The guy, you're on the guy's radar. But one night he's going to be sitting there. It's going to be 8 o'clock at night and he's going to get a call from somebody going, hey, I can't do the next two weeks. And he's got a hustle. Well, guess what? Guess who's been calling him every week looking for work?

Yeah. Hopefully. Me. So he called me at 9 o'clock at night and said, listen, you're leaving tomorrow for Ogden, Utah. I didn't even know what Ogden, Utah. I didn't even know Ogden, Utah existed. Okay? So I still remember leaving that morning, and for some reason, I had two driver's licenses.

Same name? Like, I lost one. Okay. I asked for a repeat, and the other one was still good. Like, there was two licenses. in my wallet. Got it, okay. I'll never forget that I'm like,

I ain't paying for gas because I didn't have that much gas to get to Ogden. I had like, bro, if I borrow like 40 bucks to get to Utah, and that includes food. From Seattle?

No, from Boulder. From Boulder, got it. That's a 12-hour fucking drive in those days, okay? And you can get there on 40 bucks of gas? In my demented, cocaine, addicted, felonious mind.

Yeah, at that time, you think, I think I had 60s. bucks. But the point is, when I stopped at that gas station, I filled up, the guy was looking at me, and he's like, this motherfucker ain't going to pay. I was going to pay, but he was right. I wasn't going to pay. I did a bunch of these things, and I go, hold on one second. Hold on one. I left my wallet at the house, and he goes, what do you live? I go right down the corner here, take my license. I didn't need that license. You know what I'm saying? So I never went back. I lived there for another

a year and I drove past that gas station and got gas there. The guy never recognized me again. Jesus. Dude, I can't even. It blows my mind that they used to just pump your gas without you paying them first. They wouldn't even, this is, that's, this is, this is, 1995, Lee. That's 31 fucking years ago. Oh, my God.

The world was a lot different. Yeah. No, what I did? Yeah. In those days, you went up to the window and you knocked and you said $30 regular. You pumped and. and then on the way out you paid the guy something like that it was like an ex-on

do you think that like part not only because of you but like partially because of you is why we don't have these things anymore like they make you prepayper cans you can't throw me under the bus I'm not the only criminal I thought this shit up somebody else

thought it up right then they cut it out I just started one day I went into a store to buy something and on the way out I looked at a line and there was all these people returning shit. I'm into to buy like a fucking sweater for wintertime. I don't know if I get.

There was a huge line, 30 people with receipts in their hands and shit. And I got my soda, whatever the fuck, I got my sweater. And I stood to the side and I watched these people. And they were just returning shit. And everybody had a story. My wife got me this. It doesn't fit. You have the receipt?

Yeah. And then there was like two or three people that would say, we lost a receipt. And then I figured out if it was January, you have till mid-February to tell him you lost your receipt for Christmas. After that, you can't sell, you know, you can't go in in April ago. My mother got me this for Christmas. I don't need it. I don't have a receipt for it.

So I figured that out first. That all that one moment, I figured that out. It was 1993. I was a fucking starving comic. I was living back in Colorado, and it just hit me. It would hit me like two weeks before Christmas. And I was stealing coffee machines then, like expressal machines were really big. So me and my friend's wife would drive every day to like Westminster or another part of Denver.

And we parked the car by the door. And meanwhile, we'd walk like a coffee machine over to the door without nobody seeing us. Then we walk out, walk in, grab it and put it in the car. We could do two of those a day. How much would you get for a coffee machine? 200, because they were 450 at the time. 200, when you were starving comic and you rent this 400 a month, 200 a month on a Wednesday, that's the score.

All right? So that's how we looked at it. She was feeding her kid and her husband, and I was stealing from my comedy career, basically to stay alive. Oh, that's the excuse I gave myself. Right. But I can't even. So, like, let you get the coffee machine.

Where are you selling this? Are you going door to door? Before I even steal it, I already go to Nick. And I go, Nick, what do you get your mother for Christmas? I don't know. I'm going to call an expressing machine. I was thinking about that. Listen, down there they got a Nescafe one with all the cups and all.

And this time, there was no Nescafe. Right, whatever the Nesrame was. Well, whatever the Bram was. It's $4.59 plus tax. How about I have it here by 5 o'clock for $200? deal. Wow. Where are you getting it for?

I'm going to rob it. Don't worry about nothing. Where I'm going to get it. Sure enough, 5.30, I'm there with a box for you. And I got an extra one. And Nick's going to go, you know what? Give me that one. Because I could sell that one for fucking 400 myself.

I worked a month. Wow. But then I go, why am I walking out of these places? I'm becoming a wholesaler. So I got to the point where I would just walk in, go to a cough machine, make believe I was walking to a register. Peele and go right on the fucking returning one. Like list.

I lived on that, guys. Embarrassing from 94 to June of 95. Then I would do it on the road on triple runs, like going to a quick way Kmart and go, I bought these pair of mats. They're not ready. You know, and they would give me like 35 bucks, but they would say next time,

they started getting suspicious. I was doing it all the fucking time. If I needed money, I would just go into one of those play four. We're going to dinner tonight? Yeah, hold on one second. And I would go into one of those fucking places. And then I would get the Jeffrey bucks.

From, you're the reason they closed Toys R Us? Poys R Us. I started going to Jeffrey Buck. Now, when you return something, they give you Jeffrey bucks. But if it's $82 and you get them $100 and Jeffrey bucks, they'll give you $18 back. So that's what I would do. I would shoplift shit, get Jeffrey bucks, and then buy shit for your kid or anybody's kid. I didn't give a fuck.

Right. And just whatever. It's amazing. You'll even walk out of the fucking store. Unless they're really watching you on the camera, you're walking towards the fucking register. Did they even have cameras back then? Oh, yeah.

I mean, there weren't like they are now that they see you breathing and they take pictures of you and your name pops up on the screen. No, but they had cameras. And then every once in a while, there was a good security guard that would call up and go check his ID. You knew when they, you know, you got up there.

And then when you just leave? Huh? Would you just leave? Like, oh, sorry. I never got stopped doing one of those fucking things. What happened? Ever. And towards December of 94,

let me tell you how much money I was making. I was pulling down like two grand a day during the holidays. Because I still remember going to Comedy Works and smoking some badass weed. And I got to the front on a date. And the guy goes, because I was a comic, but not a Comedy Works guy at the time. The guy was a dick

And he charged me And when I took the money out I paid and left it on the counter $1,800. And I wasn't mad. I go, I'm gonna go get that in the morning. You just forgot the money? I was so fucking high.

Oh, my God. She had to pay for drinks And the fucking popcorn Whatever the fuck we ate. Oh, I would still be pissed about that now. But if you didn't do Coke, you'd be like a billionaire right now.

to make two grand a day during the holidays and then be... I mean, I would start December 15th and go straight to. I still remember going to work at John Elway's Jeep store, and in the afternoon, all the guys went to the movies, and I would go, hold on one second. And I'd go to, like, a place, get a pair of shoes, bring them up to the counter, and they'd give me like $90. And I would go to the movies.

This went on for fucking years. Am I ashamed of myself? Fuck yeah. But you know what? You got to pay attention. And you never thought about, like, selling merch on the road or anything. Like, you could have made money. And, like, it's crazy, like, to do stand-up.

You felt, like, you had to rob. Let me explain some to you. When we were growing up, when I was young, once a week, somebody you knew or your family knew, walked by your house and said, hey, you want to buy a TV or gold chains or sweaters or sneakers or shoes or fireworks, all that shit was stolen, okay? All that shit was stolen. They would rob them right here and see caucus and pull the truck over, and you got the

flavor of the day. Sometimes it was AM radios with the little things. Every day was a different adventure. People bought it. It was part of our society in this area. You try that shit outside this area. Even if you drop your pants, just give me 50 bucks. They still won't do it.

They don't know that world. So it was very, I found out quick in Denver that unless I knew somebody was a player in Boulder, they weren't going to go for. And there wasn't too many players in Boulder. So it was just like a jersey thing here? Because if I walked out of it, it would be theft over $200. But if I didn't walk out of there and they caught me bringing it back, it wasn't really theft. It was like light fraud or something.

I forget what you call it. Not light fraud. It's called something. Eddie fraud or? Petty fraud. But, no, petty, whatever. Larsoning? Petty larceny.

Yeah, they give you a ticket. They spank you in the hand. You don't show up. The warrant disappears in six months. Do you ever, do they show you that stuff on Instagram? I don't know what it is. Instagram all day shows me people getting arrested for, like, shoplifting or, like, and they always pretend. It's my favorite.

That's because you're Jewish. They, oh. You know, if you own the Jewish store, like, if you sold burritos, you couldn't handle people stealing shit. They just fucked with you a little bit. I saw a great one yesterday. Speaking of Jewish, this Hasidic dude ran out of gas. This dude on a motorcycle got a water bottle full of gas for him so it could fill up. They took him to the gas station and the Jewish guy wouldn't fill up because the gas station was too expensive.

He literally just ran out of gas. I find the most amazing body cam stuff. Does that, like, does that make you happy at all watching people get arrested or no? No. It's the dumbest fucking thing in the world. Oh, I love it. It's like watching cops. You're there for 20 minutes.

You only watch cops when you're in jail. When you're in County Jail on a Sunday, everybody watches cops. Yeah? But if I'm not in jail, why don't want to watch cops? I used to love watching cops. Cops. These fat people getting arrested with handcuffs, they can't breathe. I don't know about that shit.

I don't know about that shit, you know. Did they ever do the double handcuffs for you? Like when you were in Seattle? One time in Seattle, they did. because my shoulders wouldn't go all the way back and shit. I did that. I did that. At 9 the morning,

I got arrested at like 12. Fucking craziness. I remember I was at Josh Wolk. And I'm like, Josh, let's take this in an ecstasy at 9. He's like, what are you fucking crazy?

Where are you at it? I took it anyway. A beautiful Monday morning I got arrested because I was hiding under the chick's bed when the cops came. That's my, and the bed kept going up and down. And they're going up and down.

And shit, fucking, you know, this only happens to people, from Hudson County. This don't happen to normal people. Like Brody said, people don't live

our lives like this. What do you say on the car? You know, people don't live like this. People don't live like this. But... I was thinking about Brody the other day. I was thinking about him on today.

I don't know why. Something happened. Oh, I read that. I always remember that shit. Like, people don't live like this. Anytime I do something, like I cut somebody off or something. I'm like, people don't live like this.

Very interesting, though, what happened last week. I talked about on stage a little way. I just couldn't make a joke of it yet. Bro, I pull for everybody. You know what I mean? Like, I pull for Michael Vic, even though I love dogs.

I'm a son-Lasural guy. In my heart, I pulled from Michael Vic. Because I knew he was young. And he was stupid. And he was just trying to fit in with his fucking pals. And that's what happened. It's going on with John Morant now. You know, John Morant's going to kill somebody.

Is his buddies going to do something stupid? Jesus. Because that's the life his buddies live. And he finances all their shit. It's like when the Dallas Cowboys were winning. They were winning, but people didn't know it was they were moving pounds of weed, the Dallas Cowboys. Really?

Ponds of weed. You know, it was a fucking organization, a weed they had there. In Texas, through Mexico, yeah. I forget who the players were, but yeah. You know, so these people, you know, you're still always a fucking criminal like me. You know, you can't change your stripes. Yeah, look at Aaron Hernandez.

You just know how to sharpen the corners a little bit. You know, you just learn how to sharpen the corners a little bit. But sometimes you sharpen the corners and somebody or something steps into your life. And now you have to play for keeps. And you play real and you go, you know what? The charade is old. I pull for everybody, bro. when I think the toughest job in America is somebody making a mistake

and going to prison and coming out and finding out the world just turns their back on you. Except for your parents, you got that one grandmother, you know, that sticks it out with you. Even though you robbed her eight times and shit, you know, it's rough. It's really rough. So I remember years ago,

when I first moved here, a politician that's big into that in Jersey City hit me up. And we were talking on like Facebook or something. One of his guys, I've always been interested in that. He's taking somebody who's done something, like, I don't want to talk to a rapist or nothing like that. I don't want to talk to none of those people. But somebody who does like an armed robbery

or somebody who gets... The good criminals. Yeah, they're all mistakes of situation. At the end of the day, you realize you were high on shit. You've been high on shit for the last eight years. When you're going through this, you don't even consider this. But something pushes you to make those. stupid fucking mistakes.

And you don't, you know you're doing it after you're already involved. Like, as soon as you get in the car, you're already known. Like, this is going to bust. And nine or ten, it does bust. But I always pull for those guys. Ever since I've moved here,

there's a lot of guys on Instagram, but they're on there talking shit every day. You lose me once you talk about God. If you killed 20 people, you never believe in God. But now you believe in God. So you lose me right there. You know, listen, you can't bullshit or fucking bullshit.

Right. To suddenly be a preacher after you robbed everybody. So last week something happened. I just shattered me because, like people say, before the grace of God go I. And George knows this. That dude, the assemblyman, the councilman in Englishtown. His name is John Elite, John Alight, whatever his fucking name is.

You know, I don't know them. I've never met him. But you go into the witness street location plan and you come out and you pull for these guys. First of all, listen, ain't nobody killed him. You see, oh, yeah, they'll find your fan. He's got a family down there. He's a fucking councilman.

But what happened? Anyway, he got an entertainment company, or that's what he did. And he was running shit through the entertainment company. And they got him on loan sharking. But what really fucked him up is he went to somebody's house, and they had the ring camera, and he started threatening the guy. The guy took the ring tape, gave it to the feds.

So now, you know, they're holding him. And for me, I think about that, and I go, fuck, he's a year older than me. Oh, that guy, okay. John O.E. is 64. And you know what? He ain't getting now for 10 years. Not for a loan sharking. He has like two of them that are major.

There's some other thing. They call it something else. They call loan sharking uttery. They don't call loan sharking no more. There's a word for it that he got charged with, but he also got hit with an extortion charge. And they're like the ones that you never recover from. Extortion, racketeering, bookmaking, loan sharking.

That's 10. Yeah, it's not a smack on the wrist. That opens up as 10. And they get two together. They'll dismiss the one, but they'll still make you do 10, for the other one. And it bothered me. Like it hurt my feelings. Like it really, no, seriously. Did you want them to let him go or what do you? No, no, no, no. Listen, he fucked up. George, your meatball burp back very nice. I like it. That's how you test a nice meat.

What is it? No, something. Ulogy. Uriji. Uri. Usharing. But terroristic threats, Oh, once they loop you in with the Arabs, oh, you're done. That's Guantanamo Bay type shit. You know what I'm saying? She's not even doing your time in a federal place. They're going to send you down there to Guantanamo. And we're laughing in the whole thing,

and I'm not laughing at him. I'm not laughing at him. I'm laughing at when you can't get away from your fucking old lifestyle. Some people can't. They just can't. They just can't. There is nothing in the world that makes me want to go drug somebody. Not since 19.

You know, listen, I did a few little things. You always do a few little things. When they say, old habits die hard. Yeah. But once you figure out there's a way to make money, and it's not like I got into comedy and made money day number one. I slept on George's couch for a year, two years later, at the three-year mark.

There's no, you know, it's not like I got into, I left Snow and Coke or whatever the fuck I was doing to go into an illustrious life of comedy. But that discipline really helped me because once I realized, by, I think by 2000, I knew I was never going to go back to crime. It was just something that happened that I saw that in other times I would have taken it

without even thinking about it. And I said, I'm not taking that. And when did you get out of prison, 90? 90. So about 10 years where, like, you wavered back and forth? No, no, no, no, no, no. The last time I got arrested and arrested was 95. 90s, no, 95.

That was my last arrest for bullshit. Right. And they got me for a stolen car. I got dismissed. They got me for an assault. You know, it was a bunch of shit, but old habits die hard. Like, at all the places I lived, include, when I moved back with George for that year,

I got into, like, four altercation. Okay? Now I'm in, and nothing happened. The cops never came to my house, nothing. It's ironic. I'm in Seattle, I get caught for fucking, when you cross the street without the light. Jay walking, and they turned it into a felony, though.

Oh, Jesus. It was just, especially where I'm from. Like, you know what is to cross the street on your bike and all of a sudden four cops around you with their, no, I wasn't even, I was walking and they surrounded me with their bikes. I was like, what did I do? Put your hands up. I'm like, come on, guys.

That's how. Think of that shit. I'm not an angry person. If someone tried to arrest me for jaywalking, I freak out. I thought it was a canned of camera. At that time, there was nothing but canned the camera. Maybe they were bringing it back. I didn't know.

I thought it was a fucking joke. And they gave me a ticket. And the biggest joke was I ripped it up when I got home. And they came and got me out of bed one morning. Because he didn't pay the ticket? Because I didn't go for fucking court. hearing. They wanted me to go to court and pay a fine. I'm like, for fucking

jaywalking the first time, I couldn't believe it. So before you guys travel and think the world is great, you know, it ain't Hudson County every day. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's different. People don't give a fuck. And it was, I jaywalked.

I'm not going to say I wasn't wrong. I jay walked. But their reaction was what I was surprised in. Right. But within 18 months, I got arrested six or seven times. Damn. For fucking stupid shit. For stupid shit.

I still got a warrant up there. For fucking not going to an anger management class. They've held on to it. And even the attorneys are like, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life, Joey. Are you sure you didn't do anything else? I don't know. But, you know.

And so you were thinking about that. You were seeing that guy go to jail at 64. And I'm watching it. But I'm going, first of all, for you people, you know, I love when I watch the news, especially the Delaney Hall. Lately, the Delaney Hall's been in the news a lot lately. And I read the comments. I'm a New Jersey 12 guy.

And I smoke dope. So I'll leave it on and then go in and out and go in the fuck. And they put the same news on every hour. So you absorb it little by little, even if I'm in the office typing or writing a joke or, you know, whatever. You hear it. Okay. And listen. I'm a fucking felon

And I'm telling you that people Are fucking delusional Americans have become delusional You know what my fucking biggest fear I'm not going to jail is guys I'll die I'll tell you why those two weeks without sleep apnea machine Or three weeks I'll sleep apnea machine

I'll die Tell that to your judge They don't give a fuck No You know, people in this country are so fucking confused Or what happens when you get arrested You lose your fucking rights, you fucking Momo There's no more

I want some fresh Irish shoes There ain't none of that I want some freshly squeezed with a hint of chacha And put some chia seeds How about I smack you in the fucking mouth? You know, you might go to county And there's no blankets for the first week Fuck

And you're sleeping without a fucking blank And in the middle of the air, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip. You turn around, there's a mouse this fucking big. Yeah. You know, and you want to say they're not humane. You should have thought about that shit. This is the thing after I went to prison, I thought about now. Because you don't think about that shit.

So now I'm sitting, listening to fucking Delaney Hall every night. And all I hear about the living conditions. Listen. Listen. What? You guys forgot? The picture a couple of years ago from those prisons in Colombia, when they're all standing naked on line with them.

They still have it, yeah. Yeah, nobody remembers that. But you're worried because your kid don't get jello. Oh, he's not able to call. You don't call. You're lucky. Get an immigration pinch. You don't know where your people are.

That's true, too. Yeah. I know for a fucking fact. Get an immigration pinch. You don't know. You might call him like, listen, I'm in Caracas. but you're from Venezuela I don't even know

I was just going to say that they're bringing you to a country that you're not even from you don't even know and your family does not know to you get there you're on an immigration hold

you know many guys I got locked up with you know when I got to Colorado that dog they did something stupid as soon as you do something stupid and they sentence you immigration is coming

any fucking day now they even tell you in court don't get too comfortable and this way before ice and all this other shit. This is way before ice. There's no sleep apnea machine, motherfucker. All that protein smoothie.

How about sperm in your fucking orange juice? That's as much protein. I'll get three guys to come in your juice. That's 21 grams of protein and shit. Listen, and I'm with you, but did you see there was a documentary on HBO about, I think it's like the Alabama prison system and like the guards are like killing inmates

and like they don't like they don't have a bed like they don't have anything like it's that is fucked up like I you got the people they put in there did not jaywalk okay let's get to this the people they put in that prison did not jaywalk right they did not smack their wives they did not you know they either kill somebody in a DUI and they took eight motherfuckers with them They took the whole gas station with them.

Either they shot somebody. Either they raped the child or raped another woman in a fucking violent manner. Those people that go to those jails are not there because they robbed $10,000 from Union City. You know what I'm saying? You don't think, okay. No. These are not people. They just, these are the most, you know.

Listen, they have levels in the prison. Okay. And they know if you're an animal. Even if you know they know you're an animal, sometimes they give you a chance. Once you fuck it up, now you lost that. It's all privileges. You know, think about doing time and being in itself 23 hours a day. And you get out one hour a day for sunlight.

That's inhumane to the max. I believe it is. But guess what? You lost your fucking right once you knocked over that motherfucker with the crib. And you had 20 margaritas in you. Yeah. That's, you just lost. And when you go to appeal that, guess what?

All those moms are showing up again. Right. So it's very fucking tough the prison system. And if you don't got money, if you don't have any savings, you're on the fucking whatever program. Public Defender program, and they're not no Yale graduates.

No. They graduate from my Seacock as tech. But he, like. And I'm lying. You get great attorneys there, but they're learning also. Yeah. And they sell you.

And they've $8 million cases. Yeah. Yeah, they just plea you down. You know, and you're still going to get in trouble, whatever. I want a guy that raises the reasonable doubt. Right. But that guy costs money. That Jew cost money.

That Jew ain't cheap. But how much is your freedom? And this is what you have to think about. My freedom, for the 90 days I was going to do, it wasn't worth the $10,000 in my world. They were going to slow me down. I was either going to do county jail. or a halfway house.

So I thought, pardon the interruption, you know. But you were in your 20s? That was 25. That's very different than 64. Abs of fucking Lulian is, Lee. But I also went in there thinking, A, Mr. Astley's wrote a letter for me, motherfuckers. He got congressmen.

Yeah, everybody wrote a letter for me. So I thought I was still giant Obama. And then you get in there and they throw you on the same silver fucking. bed that you have one sheet. You either put it on the on the tub or you put it on top of yourself and you sleep on metal all night.

Excuse me. Housekeeping. Excuse me, housekeeping. I need a bigger towel with a fucking toilet and with a push sink that water comes out that you can't do anything with. Even your teeth chatter. It's so fucking cold.

Yeah. Nothing in there is to give you comfort. Comfort. You just did something. society. And this includes me. I'm not, I'm one of these fucking guys. I still remember being on the fifth floor in fucking August 16th on the fifth floor and black people yelling all night. Yo, yo, Toro, what up? I'm over here, gee. What'd you do? Oh, shit. Is that blackie from fucking old town? No, and all of a sudden, and that's five? It was like the Titanic.

I'm not kidding you. Five floors and it was like the Titanic cells. And they put you in there. It's just skinny. You took a shower Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. If you know anything about me from my world, that alone is torture. Yeah. My ball's got to feel water twice a day. Never mind three times. So by Sunday, when you got to visit, you look like Zambot.

You don't even get in a water. You know that blade you get in a sheep hotel that takes the layer of your skin on? The one man. Wait do you see the blade you get in prison because they can't give you a blade because you'll chop it up and fucking cut coke or it's, You have to sign it out and they watch you shave and you have to give it back to the guy. You know, you lose all those privileges. And I don't think Americans are keen on this shit anymore.

They think now that, oh, well, I have rights. You know, he could rob a bank and they let him out on bail. You know, no, I'm exaggerating, man. But we've, the system has become a little soft. But even I'm here to tell you, listen, man, I looked at four years. I ended up, I lucked out like a motherfucker. I still wasn't a halfway house for all. long time. It was two years out of my life of answering to somebody. That alone, that alone,

you figured for eight or nine months, I had to call you and tell you I was going to Georgia's, and how long I was going to be there for and what I was there. And they want George's number because they want to be able to call George at his house. Now this cell phone, so if he doesn't have a house phone, you're not going over there. Jesus. I've heard parole is harder than jail. Sure. From people. Because you just forget one night. So, George, let's go to Rudy's.

Going there, we have a few drinks. One thing, in Austin, there's a fist fight. You know the kids. So you hold them back, and awesome, three cops come in and they take your name. Done. Maybe not that night. But a week from now, your probation officer will see that report or parole officer. And there you go.

You get six months sent back for you being in a bar. Hey, Uncle Joey here. going on in your world? Uncle Joey here to talk to you about Lucy has the best nicotine in the game, Dr. Lucy makes high potency pouches, delicious and discreet nicotine gum, and the signature, Lucy breakers with a flavor clapsule right inside when you bite into it explodes like a surprise. Lucy's nicotine strength range from 2 to 12 milligrams with flavors like apple cider, espresso, berry, citrus, and mango. By the way, mango is one of my favorites.

I'm about to pop one right now. I just got to drink a gallon of water. I got a cotton mouth. Anyway, Lucy is great for work, travel, or relaxing anywhere. Set yourself up with a subscription so you never, ever, ever run out. Listen, Lucy's the only pouch that delivers long-lasting on-demand flavor. Get 20% off, listen, get 20% off your first order. when you buy online at lucy.com slash church.

Again, that's lucy. Dot C-O-slash church with promo code, guess what? Church, C-H-U-R-C-H. If you don't want to wait, check out Lucy's store locator to find Lucy near you and grab it today. Listen, again, that's lucy. That's lucy.com slash church. promo code,

guess what? Church, C-H-U-R-C-H. Here comes the fine print, all right. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age, and every customer is age-verified. And remember, this product contains nicotine, and nicotine is an addictive chemical.

But watch this. Ha! Hey, Uncle Joey, I'm excited because it's 4th of July weekend. But remember what I'm saying? Everyone loves addictive. Rock up with Blue Chew Gold. Blue Chew Gold is a 4-1 tablet with a new formula design to boost blood flow and arousal. It's like getting the chicken and getting the feathers sticking up your ass. You're getting turned on both mentally and physically. I don't know if it's the feather or the chicken. Anyway, listen, Blue Chew has helped the hell out of me. This new shit, they put some voodoo in that motherfucker. You get a dick. You're up all night with big dick by yourself because

Everybody else is passed out. They're recovering from drinking milk. You're going to see why Bluechew is the number one brand and erectile dysfunction. And you know me, I'm Captain Dixfunction. 63, but I'm still going for it. The process is 100% online and super simple. So get started today at bluechew.com and go for the gold.

Discover your options at bluechew.com. Again, bluechew.com. And we've got a special deal for the church family. Listen, stop walking around with that little pencil dick. Right now, when you buy two months of blue, true gold, bam, you're going to get a third month for free with promo code Joey. J-O-E-Y. That's promo code Joey.

Listen, you made a New Year's resolution to sling Dick. You haven't gotten anybody pregnant this year. So take those fucking blue-chew golds and start slinging dick. You're going to end up having more kids than Stefan Diggs. You know what I'm saying? Receive an additional 10% off plus free. overnight shipping on your first order. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important information.

And hey, as usual, Blue Chew's family, I want to thank them for sponsoring the podcast and the bedroom. That was a good thing about me. I always knew it was six to six. What does that mean? When I'm on probation, you have your life is six to six. You got 12 hours. What happens after six?

You're going to get in trouble. Does he call him at six? Go home at six. You go home at six every night, nothing bad happens. You can do push-ups. Well, Joe and I have weights. Do push-ups and body squats. Joey, I don't have a book.

Go to a library. They give them to you for free. Six to six. That's the old school probation. Sunlight, the sunset. Twelve hours. Twelve hours. Because you know anything after six,

there's alcohol involved. You're going to get yourself in trouble. And even like a jaywalking thing. Like it's, I've heard that a lot. Like when you start to get in trouble, you just get in trouble for stupid shit. You just go into a,

it's called a downward spiral in life. You take life for granted. You really believe you're the shit that nothing's going to happen to you. When I was 25, I didn't, fuck, nothing's going to happen to me. I know people in Jersey, bitch. I know, but that don't mean

the people you got in trouble with, Don't know nothing. They never even heard of New Jersey. So, you know, how we got on this was two things That that was really bothering me about what people Think punishment is That's why it's called punishment, right? When you go to jail, is there any other word for it, guys, that I don't know about?

College educated and so are you, two fucking gooks, nothing That tell you any other word for it's repercussions, but it's punishment. Okay. But guess what? We don't punish our kids anymore. Yeah. So it's a different fucking world, guys. Do you think kids are afraid of their parents?

I'm still a little afraid of my parents. I think it's kind of good. Not like, you don't want to be skittish, like they're going to beat the shit out of you, but I think, like, to be, like, yell at them or whatever. I don't have kids, but. I think in 13 years, I've gone off twice on her three times. So she knows when I do go off, it's time to,

I went off about a month ago. It was her and a little girlfriend's, fuck me. I was pissed. You know, they were supposed to do. Mercy took off from school. All my girlfriends are taking off from school. I had shit they're doing the morning. So I get up and I'm like, Merce.

What's going on? They don't text. What do you mean they don't text? Then she found out all her friends went to school and I'm like, Mercy. Can't do this to me. You told me last night you got, oh, we're playing hookie,

and I was going to drop you off at fucking wah-wah, 11. You know, I went in there, I yelled and I said, clean your fucking room. I felt terrible. I came back an hour later, that motherfucker was spotless. Now, I know when her mother tells her clean the room, it takes a little while. She doesn't fuck around with me because I don't go off. Right.

I don't go off. And I don't want to go off. Right. You know. But I don't know. I think, obviously, I'm not saying anyone should beat or do any of the, but I think that isn't that your job as a parent? So they know to stay in line a little bit. So they don't make stupid mistakes and end up in prison.

Let's be honest. It's like I'm going to sit here and tie you. And my mom didn't fucking hit me. You want me to sit here like a man and tell you that my mom didn't pour a glass of milk on my head. Or beat me on 86 and Broadway when I was like five. You know, my mom would beat me fucking anywhere in a bathroom or a restaurant. How many times did she break my fucking? lips from me saying the wrong thing.

And you know what? I appreciate her today. I was never scared of her, though. Right. Okay? I don't want my child to be scared of me. That's completely different. That could be, yeah, maybe that's a long word.

That's a fucking dad. That's a fucking prick. Maybe respect is the word. He makes eight bucks an hour and he had three kids. He's angry. Yeah. You know, he's angry. Yeah.

Now, he can only drink one beer a month. He has to drink two sips a night. and put the cork in it like wine, you know, you get angry and then something happens, you know. But I don't ever want to take something out of her. I don't want to hit her because I don't ever want a man to hit her. So the reason I don't lay a finger on my fucking daughter, not even by mistake. I'll walk away if I want to bash her fucking skull because I don't ever want her to accept that from a man. The first time a man lays a hand on her, she's got every green light to stab that mother's.

just like my mother did. Yeah. And she knows this. So that's why I will never, ever lay a hand on. Yeah, not hitting, but even just like raising her voice. I'd rather talk to her in a firm voice, remind how much I love her, hug her, tell her people make mistakes, but you're more aware of it to anybody else now. Mm-hmm.

Okay, that's the best I could fucking do. You know, that's the best I can do, you know. Right. But I can't, you know, my stepfather used to make me lie on beans in the clock. closet. I know your legs. Black beans under your knees. You know, when I was a kid, my mother, I shipped my pants.

She took my underwear and hung them on the front door. So kids could walk by and see my shitty underwear on the front door. Oh, no. Guess what? I learned how to clean my ass effectively. Yeah. That's what a Cuban mom does. They don't fuck around.

Do I, am I mad enough for that? How would have walked around? How was one of those guys I shipped but wouldn't wipe my ass? And then I come home for dinner. everybody was like, what the fuck? So like the second and third grade, I just refused to wash my ass. I would play with kids and shit in my underwear and just,

I would go upstairs and I had like the clogger shit that takes your white underwear down and then I have to hide them from my mother. Then my mother would find them and fucking beat the fuck out of me. Like, how old are you? Why didn't you like wiping your ass? I don't know.

I just didn't like putting my fingers in my asshole. I just did not like it. at all. Oh my God. How many times do you think you shit your pants before your mom put the pants on the on the door? It was about a month worth. And then... Oh, no. And she told me, you do it

again. I'm going to hang them up on the wall. And then she did that. Then I went on that bed peeing shit. And she hung those sheets up too. That's what I... People want to come to my house. No, no, no, you can't go to my... She had them right in the hallway, like a Japanese flag with only... The circle was yellow.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. I can't raise somebody like that. But that's how my mother was raised in Cuba with nine brothers and sisters with no fucking money. Right. You know, so I grew up with kids, bro.

I grew up with a kid in North Bergen. Nicest family ever. I don't know how many, and he had glasses. I don't know how many times I saw his father talking to a teacher and his father would sit with his arms crossed. Every time the teacher didn't say something, he would just backhand him

the kid would drop and the glasses were breaking the middle. The teacher didn't call 911. I mean, you didn't. It wasn't like that, yeah. It wasn't like that. Was it over abuse? Yeah. But that was the 70s.

Also the Irish will beat the fuck out of their kids. If you're an Irishman's house and this kids are getting hit, you're getting hit too. You better take it. You better call your mom and say, that wet belt is coming for me. Mr. fucking Allegretto has two bottles of fucking, that Irish fucking whiskey. that makes them go crazy, like Indians, Jamestons, whatever. They come home, everybody gets hit, the grandmother, the mom, the boys, the little girls. So, you know.

I can't imagine that. What would you do if Mercy came home and said, Mr. So-and-so hit us today? You'd fucking burn their house down. Again, why did he hit you? Again, I'm from the old school. I came from a neighborhood that if I acted up, Mrs. Syatt's house. Mrs. Syatt would come down the stairs, ask me what I said, smack me, grab me by the hair and goes, your mother home, and then walk me to my house, knock on the thing, and explain to my mom why Mrs. Syatt raised their hand to me. And if you knew anything about parents in those days, then they did not come up and go, you should have done that.

They grabbed you by your head and finished you off. Fucking hilarious. Fucking hilarious. They just finished. Oh, that's like a tag thing. I got hit. Let me tell how old I was like I had. She threw one of the worst beatings on me three months before she died.

And I was 15 years old. Wow. That's the one when I didn't make the bed where she lit the paper roll on fire and all that shit. She chased me with a stick, dog. And she was clocking me. Once I got to giving that, she had those little legs like Mercy. Those motherfucker, those crocodile legs like you. Bro, she was whacking me with that stick.

And not what? like poking me or she was fucking like going to break it on me and she did break it on me there was no fucking pull that's 15 because in a Cuban woman's mind if it in a single mom's Cuban mind is she knows because my mother told me when I was like 10 when you're 13 one day you're gonna get a little like you pay bills or your other house in me that's the day I break your fucking soul and she did it to me I did something. Two weeks before she died, she smacked me in the fucking face.

But not telling her, but not calling her at a certain time. Smack me in the face, Nick. Right outside, papa, and you have to walk past her and walk to your room. At the next day, she came up and apologized, but she said she had a lot of the mind, and she died maybe 10 days later. But I remember that. But that was 15, gentlemen. And you probably were bigger than her at this point.

way bigger than her, but she knew if she didn't what's the good dude say when he's mixing the wine and Godfather? They should have done what those Germans, they should have stopped Hitler in Munich. Yeah. This would have not had happened.

My mother knew that already with a young man. That if my mother would have let me take the upper hand and say something, she lost the battle. Oh, he's just kidding. My mom wasn't one of those moms. Yeah. If I said something like what I hear now,

kids say it at sporting events or playgrounds, it's a timeout and beating comes right up. Whatever she's wearing, whatever she's drinking, whatever she's eating, half of it's going to go on me. I knew these things, but that's how she felt. She had a man. She had a young boy becoming a man, and there was no way you were going to fucking take the ground from me. I'll knock you to fuck. I'll cut your fucking hands off. So I was always in check with her.

Yeah. because that was her law of the fucking land. You're always going to be my son. Don't ever think you're going to come into his house and fucking talk that Cuban fucking macho shit here. I'll bust your father. That means I'm going to bust your soul. Your soul?

Not even your head? No. Bust your soul. Tewapa, tiaraama. That's cold-blooded, guys. That's some cold-blooded fucking shit. Jesus. I didn't know.

And how much did any of those beatings help me? Did I not rob half a North Pergin? Did I not snort 22 pounds of cocaine? Did I not go to jail in Colorado? So those beatings didn't do anything. They didn't make me angry or resentful. They just would cost to doing business. So something you accepted?

Yeah, when your mom busts you in the head, you all do something wrong. She wasn't abusive mom. Right. That's great. I only got hit a couple times, and I don't know if this ever happened to you, because it only happened to me a few times.

But things went in slow motion. Oh, yeah. I'll just remember as a kid, like, even once my mom would, like, hit the bed a couple. Like, there's one time. But I just remember being, like, under 10 and the whole thing being in, like, her moving in slow motion,

her talking was in slow motion, because it just didn't happen very much. And it was like, I don't know. Like, I guess it worked with me. I don't know. but, like, it's, you see a lot of crazy shit. And you kind of have to, you have to do something as a parent. I wasn't even talking about hitting them,

but, like, yelling or, like, just setting up rules, just doing something. I was watching something the other day. I'm one of those psyche chintels, whatever the fuck. And they were talking about, oh, it was like a commercial about friends and friendships and what builds a friendship, its memories, and whatever they, people, these white people want to talk about, you know. memories and, you know, all this laughter and all this year.

And I was agreeing with her for the most part. But then my mind went to work. I think I've said this on the podcast before, and I think I haven't said this on the podcast before. I'm going to be conservative. I grew up around six dads that did not play. Now, in hindsight, would I like those dads? I didn't want my dad.

Not like that. I can name six kids on this podcast. that grew up with a dad that it was fucking rough. I'm not talking about punishment or throw your notebook out the window. I'm talking about bloody nose, broken glasses, you know, shit like that. I never wanted to be that dad. No. There was nowhere.

I took a, about six years ago, when I moved here, I came up one day, and I went out to breakfast with a dear friend of mine. We were talking. One day, bro, we're at breakfast. He just stopped me. He's like, well, you didn't know about my house? was, I could tell you a thousand stories. Everybody in North Bergen thought my dad was a good guy.

Let me tell you about my stories. Bro, he started going off for like 20, 25 minutes. I was crying at the table. It would take him to a garage downtown. He wouldn't beat him in front of his mother. Wow. Stitches, burnings, whipping him with a chain.

I had heard it growing up, but I didn't believe it. He said, he fucking told me at that diner in Fairview right there. I was in tears. Grew up with him all my life. I knew his father had a quick hand, but I didn't know he was getting hit with a fucking dog chain. Not even a beating in your house. They put you in a car.

He told me how many times he wanted to jump out of the car, but he was scared. It was down like by North Pergin, Jersey City border down there. That's fucked up, guys. Yeah. No, that's taking it. And out of the six, three of them were Italian. and three were fucking Irish.

Well, two were Irish and one was Czechoslovakian, whatever the fuck they were. But their ways are growing. I couldn't. That wasn't, when my mother died, I had a chance for moving in with somebody who was dear to me. But there's no way at 15, I was walking into his house and changing that much.

Right. And I loved them. I adored them, but I knew within a month we were going to be banging heads. And then we would never be friends again. because he was 10-01 motherfucker with his own kids. Like, I don't know how many times I would walk in with him at 10-03 and the dad would go, hey, well, Coco got stuck this time. Don't let it happen again.

Coco, make sure you don't get stuck again, you know, that type of shit. Right. I grew up with six dads that would knock their fucking kids out. This is how much things... And the hospital wouldn't say nothing. It's not that they call people services. What's that now? You smacked your team.

And also they come get you out like that fucking Jewish guy. You know, there was none of that. What happened to your kid? He fell on the stairs. Think of the domestic violence I saw that day and given that terrorist and I never forgot ever again.

My mother, I'd take that lady to the hospital. Think the cops asked her what happened? That's terrible. He burnt it with a fucking iron. Ah. You know? I mean, now, thank God.

now you go to a hospital or burnt toenail. They're going to come talk to you the cops. What the fuck were you with? They get the lighter from? Dude, I remember when I was a kid growing up, the first time I saw, this is the only time I ever saw it. And it wasn't even hard. My friend's dad hit his brother like this and behind.

And to me, that blew, because I got in spanked a couple times, but I had never even seen someone getting smacked in the back. I was like, I wanted to call CPS myself. Like, it was, it freaked me out. It was not, like, but like, and they probably don't even do that. Like, it's, when you're a kid and you haven't seen stuff like that, it messes with your head a little bit, I think. Like, I didn't know how to process it. I can't imagine being taken to a garage.

Think about when you see it. Think about the time I saw that. Yeah. You know, at the age of 11, a father at McKinley, just knocking his kid out. and the teacher talking to him and the kid's getting up bleeding from his nose and you're like, what the fuck? Yeah.

My mother ain't that bad. Yeah, I know. Jesus. My mother ain't that bad. No. You know, there was two kids that I grew up with personally. I knew his dad was a little crazy, but I didn't know until the dad died

and the one kid died 20 years later. That kid was a football player. He would beg Nick's grandfather enough to let him in the car with his dad. Wow. Please hide me, Mr. A. Hide me. You know, that's a different type of fucking dad, dog.

Yeah. When I heard that, I was like, God damn, they grew up eight doors from me, maybe. Eight doors. Right down, three, down, giving out him right around the corner. You think everyone's living the same as you, and then you see some crazy shit. You're like, wow.

But what I was getting to, we were talking about that lady other, they talking about memories and shit. shit, I think what made me friendlier and tighter with this group of friends I grew up with, including George's,

that none of our homes were perfect. Nobody came from the Brady Bunch. Right. You know, the father was an al-Qi. The mother worked for some fucking mafia thing. It was always nobody had a Brady Bunch family that I grew up with.

You know, everybody's family had a little edge or something was going on or they were doing something so we came together a lot tighter i never had to ask for what i never had to ask what was going on in your house oh but i could tell in my world i didn't have a mother or dad so you knew it was going on with me right but even then like and obviously i'm sure you wished your mom and your dad were alive yeah but like looking you went through something you went through some fucked up shit. But like you, like you weren't dealing with getting, you know, the garage with the,

with the dog chain. Like that's, I was thinking about that a lot this week, not to change the subject, but like with the earthquakes. Like you see like that earthquake and like the like people are getting smushed by buildings. And like, you know, I get down to myself about certain. I think a lot of people listening to the podcast. You're like one of those buildings landing on you and broken half. You'd be there, Venezuela's flying out windows. And there you are.

a computer little dust on your shoulder. It wouldn't be that bad. But it's just like you never, it's crazy how like, no matter how bad things get, there's always someone somewhere who's like, it's so much worse. Which it kind of helps with my,

like, if I get depressed or sad. I'm like, you know what? This is pretty terrible for me, but it's not, I'm doing okay still. I can pay my bills. Like all the homeless people in New York. Listen, as bad as your disaster was this weekend, we won't get into that, comedy-wise. I have a friend that's 20 years older than you.

Okay. Yeah. And he had a worst weekend. Oh, Jesus. The show was great. I had a great show, but yeah, we won't get into it. Like, he called me this morning. He's like, I don't know what I'm going to do in my life.

Really? Yeah, it's that bad. And I told me, you know, you should have stuck with that podcast, motherfucker. Oh, really? Oh, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. It's going to some places that you're like,

ooh, should I fucking keep doing this? Or should I just go to Costco? He went two weekends in the road, a hell. Not going to say where he went, I'll tell you. That's fine. Yeah, it's a, to hell. Hell, there's some of those fucking gigs that,

and, you know, I say shit to you, and sometimes I say it the wrong way, because I care for you. I know. Everybody. And I'd done this too until one day you go, what am I doing my life? Every time I do a gig, I lose 50 bucks.

What the fuck? How can I come home 50 light every gig? And there's always a story. And, you know, you get there at 8, but the show's at 10 because the Lakers are playing. You know, it was always something. And one day you're just going up. And there was a book where I was working with

that used to drive me fucking crazy. And I'll never forget. Before anything happened on that podcast, I said that about the hooker. I looked at him one New Year's, like, I'm never calling that motherfucker again. Never calling him again. I'm not taking a week of work from that bitch.

Do you know? I've never talked to that guy again. He tells everybody for me to call him. He has a gig for me, big money. I wouldn't call that motherfucker now if you fucking paid me. What was the last time you talked to? Like three months before the podcast hit.

Oh, okay. Damn. So like 15 years ago. I was like, I ain't doing this. There was like a couple things. There was this movie that these people wanted me to do. And they were going to pay me. But the problem was, I go, who's playing this role?

And they're like, this guy. And I'm like, look, this guy's never done it. He's my son-in-law. He wants to be a mobster and move it. And I'm like, guys, no fucking way. Right. No way. And I remember saying, we were still living upstairs in a two-bedroom.

Okay. And I remember going, if I tell Terry, I blew this off, she's going to be fucking pissed. Mm-hmm. And I went home. I told her. I'm not doing that fucking movie because he cast

it, but he wants his family members to be the stars of the movie. And I'm not in the mood to put up with that shit. None of them know anything. I met with the director. The guy's like, I did a short film that went to the

fucking Tuscaloosa Film Festival. I'm real impressed now and shit. I might just quit my day job. You know what I'm saying? This is my big break. The fuck are you talking about? You ever get those people?

Hey, come to my movie. thing. My movie won the fucking South Florida movie guild and they were all acting drinking champagne. He's gonna stop. Stop. I wouldn't even put that poster up. Take the thing down. It's doing you more harm than good because

people see that you're just a fucking idiot. Yeah? That you actually believe the short film, because I had those. That movie, Bookkeeper, whatever fuck it was. That won like three for the mezos. That one, festivals. When that won, that one, like the gay film festival. I was at home, count money.

Count money. That I didn't have. Yeah. When I shot the mezos and after the director who was gay and I loved them, I loved both of them, they're boats still big in the industry. They're part of the gay mafia. And when I shot the mezos, after

that, when I won a few fucking awards, I was like, and that's when I did the fucking, the festival in May, and August for the Jews, Shabbard. It was like the Shabbard fucking Telethon. I'm like, between the Shabbard Telethon and gay mafia. Gay mafia, they can't stop me.

Because I got the Jews and I got the gays. Yeah. What ain't I got a book? Dog, who got, I got nothing from that short film. And I went to three of the things with the trophy. You brought the trophy, man. Fuck you. Some guy just called me from a movie I did.

I had an orange shirt and they let me wear it in the movie. And now you watch the movie and like, why would they let me wear an orange t-shirt in a mob movie? I just, I had like three t-shirts back then. He called me recently. Hey, let's shoot another movie. Listen. Ooh, leave me alone.

All right. I don't want to shoot no fucking movie. I don't blame. I don't have the acting stuff, but it's, I laugh and I get it, but there's a lot of people who I do comedy with who they'll like, everyone puts up a poster for their tour dates, but they'll put up like the open mic they host as like a tour date.

And now that's the one around like, you know, every Tuesday they have this open mic and it's like it's like on their calendar. Like you can't, no one, you can't buy tickets to this. This is not,

there's homeless people at the bar. It's so funny, man. There's a lot of difference between me, a lot of other people. I'll tell you how. When I was coming up, people go, you know, the more clubs you get on your resume, the better it is for you.

Yeah. And I asked the guy once, are you really performing all these clubs? Like, no. Because I just write them down. The club owners don't know. And I'm like, that's still fucking shady for me.

Yeah. And I fucking stuck to it. That's why I would drive to Kansas. Because that was like the Loonie Bend Comedy Club. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And that, I had the comedy works. I had something in Fort Collins.

And then even like the one-nighters, people would put down, I wouldn't put those down. Why are you insulting people? And then acting class. I got an acting class. Oh, shit. I could put that down, commercial class. Yep.

And then fucking, then you get like three credits and you're like, who gives a fuck? And then you work with comics who they give you a sheet and they're like coming to the stage and you sit there for four minutes reading shit. Yep. And God forbid you missay one of them wrong. Like nobody gives a fuck, guy. Nobody gives a fault. You can sit there for 20 minutes and sell the menu. He's done this.

He's done this. Just be out there. And those guys come out and this diet slow death. Yeah. Because they're so focused on their intro, on their intro, they forget the color of the skies. I love, does it ever upset you? Because, like, I'm not past at any of, like, the A-tier comedy clubs. But, like, you're at the store at all these places.

And I, like, it must mean something to you. But I see the, like, a lot of people. people my level will put like the comedy store or the improv on the on like the posters. I'm like, you're not past there. Like you did a, you did a bringer show there. Like that doesn't, it doesn't count. It's, like, if he got on stage there, he got on stage, kind of like no matter how he did it. Like I got on stage at the store the first time.

There was four people in the audience. You didn't know that. Right. I went down on Monday night and Don Barris was hosting and James Stevens. the third, go put them up. There was nobody left to go up. He just put me up on a Monday night. I ate a bag of dicks, but I went home happy as

fuck, Jack! Oh, yeah. Because I performed at the comedy store. See, but yeah, but you didn't start going around and telling people all I'm past the store. No, no, no, no. And then when I got past that, then I was talking shit. Oh, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Then I would go to open mics and like fucking torture those months. Yeah, I got

got to leave. I got to go to my 1140 spot. Fuck you. Fuck you, cocksucker. That's... But then eventually all those guys became regular, you know, Bobby Lee, you know, all those guys. Yeah. You're all there together. It's just one, two, three.

You might be the last guy. You feel bad about yourself, and then you bust the biggest thing a year later, and now everybody's behind you. This is getting up every day. Yeah. Like anything else in life. It's not a race. No, it's not a race.

That's what I was telling you earlier today. Mm-hmm. You're in no race. You still got to put that. mile of gin, then it's the same shit. You're going to pay me now, or pay me later. And why take the chance? We're in such

a competitive, comedic field now. It's just every, there's a good, at every level, we have like 30 comics. Marino comics, we have like 25 of them. And that 10 you don't even know about. Oh, yeah. 10, you don't even know about. You don't even know. They're huge in Japan

or something. Yeah, whatever the fuck they do. Mm-hmm. You know, you got like, I don't know, 5,000 guys that are big in theaters, the upper tier, and then you got like... You think it's 5,000 people doing theaters? I'm exaggerating that. But then you got big theaters and little theaters

and real small theaters. Yeah. You know, under 101, you know, so... And then you got the clubs are packed, you know? Some clubs are, but they didn't even last, like, when I, last night, and it was cool. I was in the town early, and Bob Marley was there. But he wasn't, he went not at the club that I was doing,

but he was doing like an independent theater, had two sold-out shows. And so, like, there's a lot of ways that it doesn't really matter where you do stand-up. You don't hear about Bob Marley no more, but he's still selling out shit. Yeah. He just dipped.

He just said, fuck it. I don't want to be in California no more. I'm going to where I could fucking live my life. Yep. He did it a long time ago. Good guy, good family, good everything. Very good guy. I've only heard good then.

Always. Yeah. He's a fucking gentleman that dude. Always has been. He got me that weekend up there on the comedy club that floated on the barge. Really? They went on the, oh, in Maine? Yeah.

It was the comedy connection. Is it still there? No. No, they have a comedy club there called Empire in Portland, Maine, and they have a theater. But yeah, I heard of my buddy did a comedy class there. That's how I heard about it. Oh, yeah, you'd be on stage, and the thing was fucking, you'd hear dolphins hit in the bottom of it and shit like that. On a barge.

All right, so where are you at this week, beautiful? This weekend, I'm at the Helium Comedy Club. Portland, Oregon, five shows. Friday, Thursday? Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Again, and Saturday, I've got two early shows. Four and six, 30, we'll get you out of there in time for fireworks. No, no.

You're telling me you are the fireworks. I am the fireworks, motherfucker. And me, I'm nowhere. I'll just be lurking, creeping while you're sleeping, still getting ready for the improv in Brooklyn on the 8th, July the 8th. And then we have another show on the 15th, but just focus on the 8th. And then we got Atlantic City the 7th and 8th of August. That's it.

I can't wait. Nothing else fucking happening, Cogsuckers. Have a great week. Happy 4th of July with your families. Be careful. Listen, I don't know, do you need your fingers? Do you need your fingers? You know what I'm saying?

Just think about my fucking question. Before you go shooting bottle rockets and being a jackoff, do you need your fingers? Yes. I need mine. Okay? that's why you won't see me playing with fire. You want a light fireworks?

I'll come to your house. I'll fuel the fucking flames. I'll pack gunpowder in there for you. I'll make one of those things. I can't say on here that the people nowadays don't know how to make in their home, but I still remember how to make those motherfuckers. I'm not going to tell you what, because they'll shut the show down. But if you hit me on Instagram, I'll teach you how to make a fucking,

the real old school ones, all right? I'm going to even make a little video this. week, but I'll change the name of it. And I won't put it on YouTube, so I don't hang out with John Elite with terroristic threats for lighting fucking fireworks in New Jersey. Anyway, have a great week.

I love you guys. Thank you very much.