The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - I've still got problems

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

Joey Diaz talks with Lee Syatt about having everyone in his town, from the bus boy to stray cats on the payroll, the joke Joey told that got him boo'd off stage at a benefit show for police officers, why Joey doesn't trust hypnotists, Joey makes a special announcement about his next stand up dates and more! Support the show and get 20% off your Diet Smoke order. Just press in code JOEY at https://www.dietsmoke.com The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

That's the fucking year. Rosh Hashanah's up. You know, stars of David, the whole fucking deal. So I don't want nobody to feel left out here. Do Christians have a holiday? Like, Russia Shana and Yom Kippur, and like, I guess it's more Yom Kippur than Rosh Hashanah. But, like, it's, like, depressing.

Like, it's like we're, like, saying, we're, like, asking for forgiveness for how terrible we were. At the end of the day, all that shit's kind of, like, blase. But you just roll through the punches when you were a kid. You get beaten the head. They beat you in the head? No, I'm just saying, like, when I was growing up Easter, like when I was young all those years,

till I lived in Jersey, I think. You had to turn the TV off on Thursday night. Why? TV Thursday night, no TV or radio Friday, and fucking Saturday. You could turn it back on then Sunday's Easter. That's the way the Cubans did it. But then I told mom, let's skip a do on that shit,

because, you know, she would make fish soup, all week and all other types of stuff, you know, everybody has a different way to look at their religious holidays, you know? I know. Listen, I love Jews, but I heard the events are fucking boring. Play good. Some of the foods, okay. Like, this isn't the worst.

Russia Shonda's pretty good. Yom Kippur is a shitty one because you have to fast all day. Yeah. Like, I couldn't be Jewish because of that day. That's the day I tap out. It's like a week later. I'm back. I would love to see my brother's wife did it.

My brother's wife converted. Would you ever convert to Judaism? I can't. No? No, I can't. I mean, listen, Judaism is a state of mind. You don't need to convert. Everybody, you know, everybody makes a fucking big deal.

Listen, I'd love to say this didn't happen, but it did. When I got locked up, I read a lot. And then when I got out of there, I read a lot more. And I looked into like, I was lost. So I looked into so many fucking religions. Do you know? Like, and so far, like, I don't know all the basic, basic, basic details, but the course I took and what I read about it, I've always liked Buddhism.

Interesting. Okay. But I'm Catholic. And I also love the Catholic religion. You know, I love a lot of Judaism stuff. It's like I like to borrow from different things and put one together. You know, you cannot narrow somebody down and they're going to say I'm a Catholic because they don't really agree with everything a Catholicism church does. You don't agree with everything the Jewish temple does.

You wrap eat bologna sandwiches and that fucking matzah. We got to change that up. And I'm just making jokes with you here. But everybody looks at their religion so much different. than I do. It's like politics. I'm a Democrat. Listen, you're a liar. You're a fucking liar because there's no way you could agree with all that stuff. But at the same time, you like stuff that the Republicans do. Or maybe you like stuff that the independents do, and you just vote a different way. I don't know. I'm just assuming this. But that's really smart. I really hate when people,

fucking say I'm this. I'm a Catholic. And I love being a Catholic. But I love borrowing from other religions. You know, I love it. And that's why I hate when people step on something and commit

to it 100% because you're not really 100% that. No. Dude, I've never heard of anyone talk about religion like that. Like, it makes sense. It makes sense. And it makes sense for politics. It didn't make sense in 1798 when you came off a ship from Israel. and, you know, whatever the fuck.

What was chasing the Israelis then? You know, it doesn't make sense. But once you get here, you know, listen, you're an American. You were born here. I know for a fact you don't agree with everything we do. Yeah, it's impossible. No one agrees with 100% of everything. There's no way.

There's no fucking way. And then we pick and choose as Americans. Ah, we'll get away with this. Oh, they're bombing these guys. Who cares? No. No. Oh. But that, you know, it's really weird. You know, listen, man, nothing bothers me more when I see labels for me, like stand up, writer, fucking podcast. Listen, that's all included in the comedian umbrella.

Right. Okay. We're comedians. At the end of the day, we're fucking comedians. And we could do it all. We could produce. We could direct. We could act. And we're not. labeled to one thing. The main reason I love stand-up is because you can do it for three months and shoot a movie for three months and write new material. And then you got another movie or a TV show for three months and write new material and bring it out there. You have these pauses. They don't choose to do it that way no more. There's no money in that. But these are all the things that you have to look at as an American as a human being and go, wait a second. I don't agree with everything this motherfucker says.

I like some of his policy. You know, in the beginning, and I hate to bring this up, like in the beginning, fucking, I'm sure that dude that made everybody drink Kool-Aid. When you said I hate to bring it up, I have no idea where you were going with that. That dude, you know, in Guyana,

Jim Jones, he, you know, he had every intention was right when he was in San Francisco. Once he went into the jungle and started shooting Met, and started fucking 20 different chicks. You go somewhere else. It's like giving somebody a bunch of fame.

You know, but I met in the beginning, he was doing something, right? You know, Waco, that dude was onto something, you know. He was onto something. No one's ever said that before. You started off so, like, this is actually one of the smarter things that were heard. And now, like, these cult leaders were on to something.

They were onto something at first. They had to be. They won a bunch of retards over. But you get some seven fucking retards. I mean, you know, that coming to you guys and Sandy, I mean, what I'm saying is, people go, you know, like right now, tomorrow I said, you know what, Lee, fuck this shit.

I'm renouncing fucking Catholicism. Right. And I'm going to start a new church. It's the church of what's happening now. What do you feel like today? Today I feel like a Palestinian. All right. Run with it.

Today I feel like Hamas. Today I feel like Israel. Today I want to be fucking, you know. Yeah, yeah, you're good. This is why I agree with these kids. They dress up like cats. I mean, they're fucking, you know, they've been drinking too much water with ink in it or whatever the fuck they put plastic in it. You know, you want to play somebody else. But there's days I wake up and I'm international. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to speak no English. Some days you're Jose. Some days you're Joe. I just don't want to speak no English. Do you do that? That would be amazing to get out of stuff you don't want to do.

I do that for eight hours a day sometimes. I just talk Spanish to people. I feel like international. I tell you, I don't know what I want to do until I smoke that first joint in the morning. Once I do that third bonket, you call me up. I'll let you know what I'm going to do all in a fucking nutshell. So explain that. You, like, if you're just out at the mall or something, who do you talk Spanish to?

Whoever. Somebody comes up to me. you Joey Diaz, I just start talking about. Somebody comes up there. They say, you look like Joey Diaz. Then I just talked to them in Spanish. No, no, no, no, no. You don't know what I'm saying? There's so many people right now. Like, I knew that was fucking him. People walk away, confused as fuck, scratch in their head, telling their mother, he looks so much like him. You know. That's so funny. Because I've seen you do it at restaurants.

And you had a joke about it, but it was just the truth. Like at restaurants, like the bus boy or whatever, you'd fucking. talk to them and that was cool. I always loved that. They loved it. They always everyone, no one ever got mad at you for talking to them in Spanish. No, I got the busboys under control. At all these restaurants by my house, I give them this, I give them that,

I give them a joint. There's one kid that's like 18, he got hit in the head with a safe when he was like a kid. I don't know what happened. I don't know if he got hitting the head with a safe. That's an old expression. You know, he was walking under a window. Somebody dropped and knocked him out. And he never, you know, ever came back. And every time

he sees me, I give him something, you know, like a little gift that sends him off the chain. I remember one time I showed him like a picture of a of a girl in a bikini. He lost his fucking money. He's 17. He went, his face got all red and shit. You can tell he had to run to the bathroom and bang that

motherfucker out. Oh, God, and you have how many of these people? Like, how many restaurants do you have busboys at? Five or six. Jesus. And it's so smart because you like you probably never wait for anything. I got one,

two, three, four for sure that I go in there and I mingle with the bus boys. And I'll tell you who else I mingle with my girls at Starbucks. The young girls, you get a five dollar bill. They do backflips. They don't get my fucking sugar and my fucking tea for me,

not sugar, but sweetener. Like if I order the tea, they're all like my niece. they're all like my nieces. It's insane. How long was it take for you to get so close to these people? And all different colors. White, black,

Indians, you know, Arabs, they're all in there. And I talk to all of them. I don't give a fuck. Then the nicest girls and guys in the world over my Starbucks over here. How do you do that? You do it so well. Like, how long does it take you before you're, like, best friend? How fucking shitty is everybody's fucking job?

Yeah. Okay. For somebody to come in and speak to somebody who doesn't get spoken to all fucking day. And I do it from the heart. I could see it in the face. This sucks. They don't want to be there.

They're embarrassed to be there. They don't speak the language. Whatever the fuck. Those are the guys you talk to. I don't tell them nothing about comedy. They don't know a thing. No. Equal conversation.

It's one fat fuck talking to an immigrant. They don't know, and I don't want them to know. Right. I'd rather they not know. So we could just have a normal conversation. You know, and I love busboys. I love waiters, you know. When they're gay, I really fucking have a good time with them.

I had a gay waiter Saturday. And what do you do with them? You know, I was just like, what's going on with the water? You know, I tease them a little bit. Then at the end, he goes, I gave him my card. goes, you trust me? And I said something like, you know, in that Eric Rocha type of way. Like, I don't know what I, what the fuck did I say? Do I trust? He said, do you trust me? I go for certain things. And when he came back, he's like, what do you mean? And I was like, I'm just joking with you.

I was going to know, you're standing behind me, you know. Oh, my God, you should have. No, I was a young kid. No, I only thought because, like, he would have got the joke. It sounded like he was going back and forth with it. I don't understand when I walk into your place of business. I know. I saw it today at CVS. Lady came in with a fucking coupon.

It's always an argument over saving $0.59. You know, and you sit there and go, this poor Indian guy, I don't even know what you're talking about. The guy's got a week for Christ's sake. When was the last time you started an Indian guy with a fucking, wig, he's gaining a $3 dollar bill, he's just happy to be there. The guy's a sweetheart of a guy. I've seen him in there before.

I like all my, like my CVS, I got it under control. I do what I want. I feed the cat in the front. So I'll stop there tonight. About 9.30 and feed the cat. Do you really? Yeah. Are you going to take it home? No, it's too fucking feral. That dude's a lion. Oh, wow. Okay. I think she's pregnant again, which, you know, and the boy is like her son. He's like a bigger kitten.

Okay. So I just took a case of fucking fancy feast with my wife because I got second tired of pulling in there and I got to get out of the car, walk in. You know, it's late night. So there's only one person in there, you know. Right. I got a way for to come to the front just for two cans of cat food. It takes 20 minutes to give this fucking poor cat who's already hungry. fucking waiting out there for me since, you know, 10 to 9.

As soon as the sun goes up, he's out there waiting for me. So I go over there, I talk to him, I make sure nobody fucks him or him and she are eating. And then I fucking leave. You even have the cats under your, on your payroll. How do you do this? It's my community. You want to always be a part of your community somewhere or another in a positive or negative

way, you know. I mean, I smoke dope on my balcony. That's not doing something for my community. I got no fucking big-time. name as either. You know, by the time they smell it's three quarters cut. Oh, yeah, you're allowed to be, you're allowed to smoke on your balcony, I think. No.

This is central New Jersey. Right. You know, there's trees that last time I saw a beautiful fox. You know, last night I saw something on the road and I almost hit it. I almost, you know, I almost fucking killed myself not to hit this thing. And I don't even know what that was. It could have been a

rat. I almost died for a fucking rat like by hitting this fucking rat. It is fucking crazy. I hit a deer before. Like it jumped out and hit me. It's fucking terrifying hitting that shit. But you don't think about it. You just were and you just got this car back.

That would have sucked. Yeah. No, no. All that shit. But I don't know. I've been here for four years now. Right. I've got my restaurants. Pretty much. I'm pretty you know, happy with them. I got a new spot for you when you come. You like

Chili? Chilli concarne? I think so. Is it similar to what we have on the hot dogs or what kind of chili? No, no, no, no. That's hot dog chili. This is chili, red beans, meat, cheese, sour cream, couple of onions. I've never tried that. It sounds good. Woo! This place, it's fucking tremendous. Tremendous. I guess what else they got good? Because my daughter got it on Saturday. Oh, what? The chocolate moust there is something from another fucking planet. I just took one.

Moose is old. I love chocolate moose. I took one by this chocolate moose and fuck and I felt like I was 22. It got hard. My asshole fire came out of my asshole. It was fucking tremendous. Yeah, you like that whip at moose. Nice.

With a chocolate bottom on it. Oh, perfect. A bottom? Dog. These people are professional. It comes in a jar. There's got chocolate on top. A little darker chocolate.

then they put a little whipped cream and a little hot I sat there for like three minutes control of it because my daughter's going to town on it I told her if she ate all the fucking mushroom whatever the fuck she got she can get the thing

she inhaled it once she saw that when I saw that chocolate moose I was like man I wish I had more reefer in me oh yeah is it is it Harvey like you don't really have desserts I don't really remember you having a lot of desserts

listen if I do get a dessert it's got to be three or four people right okay I'll get a spoon for four of us like if we go to the place where you thought your hand was the fucking crab oh yeah

if you don't get the bread pudding there you might well I love bread pudding do I ever talk about bread pudding no I got really excited I bit it one time my wife got I was like what and they have like a waffle with like I can't even describe it

what was the last time I spoke to you about waffles? I don't know about waffles. They got a dessert waffle. Yeah, dude, that dessert waffles, it saved me when I had the crab hands. You could see it. You knew I was high. You knew I was high and you'd be like, let's get dessert. And I had gotten a salad and the mushrooms.

Guys, I'm not joking. I had crab hands and I couldn't, I couldn't like, they tried to hand me a glass. And I freaked out. Like I, when I stepped out of that booth, dude, I didn't think, I was surprised that I stood up. We did that, my night, sure. Oh, my God. Was your cousin there that night? Or like somebody, like a younger kid and he had to sleep on the couch too?

My nephew. Or did a different night? Oh, your nephew. Tricky Nikki. That's the night. This motherfucker I gave him a mushroom bar, one of those fun factories, the chocolate. Right. I just got some banana sunday from them.

Okay. It's a banana Sunday flavored chocolate bar. God damn. God damn it was good. And God damn, they fucking picked me for a loop the other day. But the first time, Nikki came down there,

like the third time. Remember for my birthday, he ate the whole fucking ball. Oh, is that that night? Okay. He passed out. He always passes out. We give him fucking edibles.

He's like 22. He came to L.A. during the fucking pandemic. next. And his uncle called me and said, you got to meet him. He wants to see you. He feels bad. Like, all right. And I brought him ABXs and fucking weed. And I'll never forget. He called me next thing. I go, man, I slept in my car last night. He ate the edible, like three. Okay. He ate sushi or something. And he dropped his girlfriend up somewhere, and he went to his parking garage and fell asleep in that motherfucker. They thought he was dead on arrival. He walked in like at 8th the morning. I don't know what happened. Uncle Joey gave me an edible.

That's what you get, cocksuckers. Do you keep track? I can think of like three people that have like fell asleep and like, like, didn't Tom's a girl after the church once have to go park his car to Ralph's and get an Uber home? A bunch of people, but it's water under the bridge. Fuck those cocksackers. I'm playing by some guy trying to help him out. I don't think they're complaining.

I just think, like, how many people make other people take a nap? A lot of people. You know, I got hypnotist powers. Like, I got that type of fucking, uh, woo. The guy with the fucking watch in front of him, you know, that little fucking dude, you are getting sleepy. No, I'm not. Did you ever do a show with one of those? What's that?

Did you ever do a show with a hypnotist? Oh, yeah. I can't see you liking hypnotists. Listen, hypnotists, magicians, and midgets. I got to look both ways for a little while. Why don't you like hypnotists? Well, think about it, because you always look at you, creepy. They look at you like a fucking dinner.

What if he hypnotizes me and rapes me and then wakes me up and tells me I was on a horse when I'm sleeping? When I'm hypnotized, you can tell me whatever you want, you know. So you're actually just worried about it working too well. It works, but it don't, half of them are charlatans, but, you know, I mean, how do you get the front, row to fucking clap and sleep and bark like when that shit happens I get out of the room

because if I go up there and stab one of those motherfuckersers, they better say why you stab me oh my God. It makes sense that you didn't, that you wouldn't, I don't think I'd do it either. I don't know if you tried it for like cigarettes ever or you just were able to quit that and not like nothing. Well, me? Yeah.

Oh, I did an eight ball. After doing the eight ball all night with no cigarettes, who's going to smoke the next morning? That's how you quit smoking. I had no idea. I threw myself into the mouth of the fucking lion. Why not? It's really crazy, Lee, that the edibles and it was fucking insane. It was insane.

I don't even know if chibachews are still around. They used to be. I think I saw them somewhere recently. but I was just telling because like when I was up doing my shows like they like the people would ask about it and we went through like I don't know 7 to 10

different edibles before we got to the stars the cookies like a couple different kinds of cookies a couple different gummies the chibahues the pretzels the chocolate oh the fucking sticks more of those chocolate

I used to switch the chibahues on you that was the best for who for everybody you listen to raise your tolerance and made you a lot tougher you know maybe you're roofy proof too i roofy proofed you i appreciate that even when you go into a bar and it's kind of weird this guy jumping up and down if they roofy you're roofy proof because i brought you through the ranks i probably yeah you know what i never thought about it like that look at that way i built your resistance I opened up your eyes a little bit, you know, Rifa opened up my eyes.

Sometimes you've got to pass it down. I want to help the younger generation, understand the power of this shit. But listen, enough is enough. Happy Rosh Hashan. Let's get this fucking show started. It's a Tuesday morning, October the fucking first. Mess around when it comes to relaxing.

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Hey! Good to see you, buddy. It's crazy. I got an email today from one of our old friends in L.A. Speaking of on, I'm not gonna say his name. Okay. Fucking hilarious.

He quick comedy and he became a journalist in some state and he hasn't done comedy in eight years. I haven't heard from this guy. I don't even think you know. He left, I think I did some podcasts with him, but he hit me up. He's like, I don't watch podcast no more.

I don't do anything. I just I'm just a journalist now. He goes, I'm trying to do a national piece to sell it to one of these, I forget the big newspaper. USA Today or something? He's like, okay, all right. He goes, yeah, I just want to ask you some questions. Number one, you know, he can ask me again, are you a Republican or a Democrat?

I go, listen, I'm not going to answer that. I can't answer that. He was like, what do you mean? And I told him what I told you. I just can't answer that question. I don't have time to explain what I like and what I don't like. Okay, I don't have the time. So he goes, can I at least get you to endorse a candidate?

And I go, I'm not doing that either. And he's like, what do you mean? He's like, what do you mean? Everybody's doing. I go, I don't do that. I just don't do that. I go, it's such a hot fucking issue for people. You're just going to fuck with them.

And they're going to fuck with you. Right now, the next three months, two months, this is going to be fucking a little crazy. so because no matter who wins people are going to be unhappy absolutely people are going to be really unhappy this time so you know this is why I tell people get your passports YouTube is all around the country I'll miss you but I'd rather you're away living your life in Portugal selling peanuts on the corner than over here fucking with you know whoever the fuck's

going to be present so but I don't think it'll be that bad I hope it'll be bad for a little bit but again i'm not political or anything like that but let's let's be honest there's a fun podcast i don't like talking about this shit but right now the tanks are moving into fucking lebanon okay you know gas is going back up a family of four is done there's so many things that are done how are they going to come back are they ever going to come back, Lee? I don't think anyone knows. Tonight we start a longshoreman's union.

A longshoreman's strike. In nationwide, I think it is, not just New Jersey. Yeah, that's the port of L.A. That's fucking San Francisco. That's not good. No. And then we have the nurses are going on a strike in New Jersey at the hospitals. You know, if it was one, two, three things, we could focus on.

and knock them debt. It's like me and you. Debt, credit card debt, and something else. Those are your main things. All right, what are we going to take care of first? The credit card debt. Bah, blah, blah, blah. 80 a week here. 60 a week year. You're going to get an extra job paying houses at night. This is how you do

things. You narrow it down. We have so many things that are broken right now. The price of eggs, the price of milk. You know, Americans can't buy a house. Interest rates are fucking, you know, don't get me started. Don't get me started. This is what happens when I smoke too much dope and do edibles. I start thinking about that. I'm not thinking about it for me. I'm thinking about a family of fucking two. These kids can't do what we did. They can't go to a fucking playoff game because it's

9,000 a ticket. They can't do a thousand things because nobody controlled us. You know, go put music on them. Somebody just told me they paid 700 for a country concert. Two tickets. wild. I think I was, I don't know what podcast was on, but I saw a clip of Ari on a podcast and he said something like when there's inflation, it never goes back down. Like we just kind of get used to it. And I think it was part of the problem with Dave Smith. Um, but it's, it just seems like, yeah, like all the prices go up, but they, it never comes back down to where it was. I still remember when we got the fucking luggage with the gas. Gas went up. We're going to put a stipend on luggage. Okay. Gas went down 80 fucking times. I still pay a 4 yard sticking. So does the rest of America for that goddamn luggage.

You know, it's not going to come. There's so many fucking things. You got to pick. There's things we can help as Americans. And you've got to pick and choose. Whatever each side is going to work on. We've got, I don't know, how many illegals in the country. And they're setting up shop, Jack.

They're planting flags. You're fucking seeking to destroy. You know, like any other fucking immigrant. Half of them go to work, but the other guys figure out a fucking loophole. That's the way it's always. Let's not just blame them. I know countries who train motherfuckers before they come here. And they got a check and they go back to their country and a check gets set back to their country once a fucking month.

Yeah. A lot of people do that. People don't understand. So we have so many things. have broken. You know, the mayor of New York just got indicted. That fucking knucklehead. I mean, there's just somebody. Where the fuck do you start? So that's why me, I take a few edibles. I smoke some dope. And all I go worry about is my community. The bus boys, the cat, I go to my daughter's softball games. I go to the fucking events to watch football, the young kids. I support

I sit there with Steve. And that's it, brother. You know, that's what I do. You can't help the world. Cannot help the world. Cannot save the fucking world. And good luck trying. You're going to lose your mind.

But you could start with your neighborhood. You could start with the people in your life. Whatever the fuck it is. I don't give a fuck. Give them all reed for it and edibles. That's why I love these fuck. This diet smokes, these diet smokes, Why it smokes don't have a line?

Once you start mixing the hemp with the fucking Delta 9 and a little bit of edibles, man, and look at this pack. I was just looking at this. People are going to love this. This is straight for like moms. You open this motherfucker up. Boom. You got one, two, three, four, five shots of getting your head together once your kid goes to school,

right in the Mamie pack. And once you're finished, you can put your long cigarettes in there. you know what I'm saying? That's why I got the edible close. I don't want to think of that stuff. And I'm sure nobody in America wants to think of that shit right now. I'm having just a pandemic, but I'm sure

booze didn't come down after the pandemic. And I'm sure, well, not in price, but people kept drinking that motherfucker. Yeah. And, you know, people buying weed. I don't know what the Coke deal is or the meth of the heroin, but. Colombians, I see them on a boat every afternoon, Viva Columbia, so they're doing something, right.

You know what's crazy? I don't think I've ever seen this, is I'm in Portland, Maine this week, and a dispenser was closed. Like, that's kind of, isn't it? I don't even remember dispensers, dispensors got shut down, but I don't remember, like, how can a dispensory not make money? Lee, remember we discussed this a couple weeks ago, when you're a business owner, There are so many things, and I never knew this. I felt the same way you did and everybody are the other American. But think of running a business today. Let me tell you some, I'm going to depress you right now. You know when George, brother George brings the lobster tails from Risholese.

Yeah, they're great. Richfield Park. That place has been there since Jesus loves Chicago. It's going out of business in two weeks. They're closing them down. They're going down for one store. when I read that listen

I'm not the fat fuck that I was it's not like I'm gonna go up there and buy ten lobster tails and eat them the first time I had those I was eating three of pop right I was eating regular ones and one with the chocolate on the thing and whatever cookies he brought I was eating three of those I'm not going to lie to anybody

you come from California where you don't eat dick and you got that frozen yogurt fucking weho whatever that fucking dump was I used to take my daughter there because of the board of me and her would go there, draw on the board, fucking terrible. The one at the Royal Canyon? Yeah, right? The one that you can walk

from your house. Yeah. Not Pinkberry, but one of those things, yeah. Yeah, it was one of those things. And then you come here and George shows up with a box and he brings them everywhere. He stops in Ridgefield all the time. They're going out of business. Let me tell you something. If you think it's easy running a business today, you're out of your

fucking mind. You know, you're out of your fucking mind. You know, you're out of your fucking mind. Listen, I walk in these weed stores and I am fucking flabbergasted. I'm sitting there going where they're getting all this money from. You and I used to go to that store in North Hollywood with the two Armenians. They were there from 10 to 10 edibles, rea, high level. You went in there, they goofed with you. They smoked with you. Those guys made like $3 million and bought four more of those. And then they ended up selling them and they walked out of that business with a ton of money. And there was two of them.

And there was two of them. And there were immigrants. And they worked all fucking day. They didn't even hire an employee. Towards the end, they had like a girl. But one of them was always there watching the register like you're supposed to. You know, that's why when people say to me, you got to come to my weed store. It's beautiful.

Why? I'm not going there to see a house. I'm going to buy weed. And you better have the best weed because that's all I want to hear. And everybody sells you on that. Oh, my God. Our store is so beautiful. you got to check it out.

What's that to check out? And to me, it seems like it would make them a target. Like, the one we were talking about wasn't, it wasn't gross, but it was like an industrial building. It looked like a small house and on the inside they had AC, but it was right on my corner. There was three of them there. There was the little house.

Then there was the big one in the corner. And then across the street was the one that was owned by the church that I went to on Christmas. That was. I heard about the church. I didn't think it was right there. I went in there and cracked them. They had like three different types of weed. They all had holy names and shit.

What are you keeping me out on Christmas E4? So I went across the street to the fucking Russians. And they hooked me up. And then the Armenians were next to them. And the Armenians made, my point is they made money hand over fist. Two guys. I walk into a weed store in Jersey. There's 15 people working.

Two different managers, a specialist. you know and you can't do that that's labor that's labor when I look on the websites for all these weed stores they're all having sales but are they busy when you go in or is it usually empty men's amends the one I go to the most

is busy 75% they always have at least 10 people on the line I love them I love NJ Leaf they're solid they're right in freehold I get 14 minutes and I'm there. But it's big. Every time I walk into those places, I say a lot of square footage, a lot of $20 bags. A lot of $20 you've got to sell. I don't know people walking there and pop four, $300 of the shot. Like in L.A., I'd be dropping one in the quarter. They'd be dropping four bills, five bills. You know, Ralphie Mae was dropping $1,800 every time that motherfucker went to the weed store. Think about it. 1800. Really?

Every month. What would he What would his order be at the dispensary? He bought everything. Like if the weed was the strongness, he'd get, give me all of it, man. Give me all of it. He'd take three pounds of different weeds.

Like, he'd take a half pound of one, a quarter pound of one, a pound of the other. He always bought that Mats OG on Mondays. I would have five. He'd give me like an ounce on the way home. I couldn't wait for that motherfucker to pick me up on Mondays with the

envelope of cash. Do that every Monday? Every Monday when he got off that plane. He come right from the airport to me. He'd tell whatever people he was busy at a meeting. No. He'd come get me. We'd run over to the

corner and we fucking stock up. He'd go in there by brownies, cookies. I remember one time we went to a Dodger game. We walked in there with a cake. a fucking THC cake. They knew him. They let him in like he was the doctor in there.

Did I have like frosting? Like how big was this cake? He went in there with a fucking cake and a bakery thing. They let him in. Jesus, too. We're fucking edible cake under the sun. Roger Clemens was pitching. That's fucked up.

And like I already know kind of what you're going to say. How did he get out of like the maximum work? Because we're only allowed to get a certain amount every month. Like did he, did the dispenser just not care? Because it was Ralphie. I would buy half. You'd buy six ounces at a time. Okay, got it. We would buy six, six, and he'd say he'd throw in two, you know,

edibles, loose joints. It was, it was unbelievable. That's so much weed. And then he'd wrap it under his fat and take it on the plane and take it to the next city. And get, and every waiter in the fucking comedy club will be hopping for four days smoking gasoline with Ralphie Mae. That's wild. So I'm really proud of you. Thank you, buddy. Because, you know, Lee, man,

I've got to tell you something. Before I met you, I didn't meet a lot of guys like you. Everybody in my life was always a grifter, a drifter. They had an idea, let's work on it. And then one day they just went away. Oh, I'm working on a new roller skating show. You know, that is my dream. And for a time there, after I got the longest yard, I felt very guilty.

Because I had a lot of comic friends. And it was me and them. I felt a little weird around them. And they'd always ask me questions about the business. And I would have, but three or four of them just wanted a hand-up. And it used to drive me crazy. They wanted you to give them money? No, no, no, no.

They wanted a handout. Like, hey, man, can you take me with you here? And at that time, I wasn't on the road or anything, guys. I don't know nothing. I just popped a movie. And shortly after that movie, about six months later, I lost three of those friends. And it was because they were lazy. And they pissed me to fuck off.

They call you with stupid questions. you tell them and then a week later they're doing something else and then they blame it on you and it was just like guys i never told you to do that you know like whatever and it was just failure after failure you know people think i joke around when i was trying to write that book i went through eight people they just gave at least they just were giving up it was this L.A. thing that people want to do something it's so exciting and then three weeks in it's work and once it becomes comes work, that's not what they read in books. They read that a bartender and Hollywood came in and said, you're beautiful, we'll give you an audition. That don't work no more. So it really pissed me

on. So when I met you, you were a very much go-getter. I was dealing with a lot of people, again, I hate saying this, they were waiting for a bus and never wished they showed. They were just spinning their work. And I was attracting these motherfuckers. When people would talk to me about movies, there were always $100 a day movies. And one day I just had to put the cabash on everybody. I was like, that's it. I'm done. I'm not doing anything. I don't want to because everything wasn't by the way in my life. Oh, you're in that movie.

It's only $100 a day. Another one? How many of these fucking 100 hour of day movies am I going to do after the longest shot? I'm like, this is. So these guys were like, you know, trying to cut through the line. They were always trying to cut through the line. Oh, I got a fucking Showtime special. I'm shooting, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You got a Showtime deal? No, no, no, no. I'm shooting a Showtime special, but my friend's girlfriend works at Showtime. And she said she could show it to the head of Showtime. I go, really? She's in programming? No, no.

She's a recipient. And you're sitting there going, these poor fucking bastards. Because when Showtime started putting specials on, everybody shot specials and tried to sell them to Showtime. and everybody was fucking up at that time. I had a friend that shot one, but they never turned the air conditioning off,

and they put the mic right under it. It was one after the other, one story after the other. That's why I never went independent. I don't listen. Unless the big shots are going to shoot it, why waste my time? You know what I'm saying?

At that level, you could shoot these every fucking year and go broke. Every fucking. And now even the YouTube numbers are going down on these guys. Let's put it on YouTube. YouTube is sick of fucking specials. They don't want to see a half hour special.

Release three 20-minute specials and you'll get more traction on your YouTube page. Release 20-minute specials and now I'm in your head three different times in a year. You just sold me. You're going to put one piece of work out and expect your world of fucking change because you're that fucking special

and that's what happened to specials. And now they come out, they just come out. Nobody's watching no more. You're not wrong. Bill Burr, my buddy, the genius, and Jessica Kirson took their specials to Hulu. Maybe that'll give it a different eyeball, you know?

Right. You said something a couple weeks ago, and I still believe in it. YouTube is number one. This is where everybody goes to watch it. So if you're going to spend that money and that time to shoot a special, I'd rather you shoot three 20 minutes specials. Edit them a little bit, do a quick interview before and after,

do it at three different places. Oh my God, with a different fucking stage. Not out of town. Not out of town. You could do one in the village. You can do it in Queens and you can do it in fucking the Bronx. So these are the things I think where this is going into now. Not but I'm going to do a fucking 20 minute special.

you know no we could but this is where it's going to go and there's all these availability right now on YouTube so if you put a special on on YouTube don't go for a million downloads go for what you can get be proud it's going to be on there but I'd rather you put three 20 minutes segments up that's 60 minutes nobody's not saying you got an hour and what is an hour going to do for you If you talk to anybody, everybody got an hour. I got an hour. I got an hour. I got, everybody got an hour.

I'd rather you do three-twenties. And now you spread yourself out three times in a year to your audience. And once you build that, three specials a year, 15 minutes, same shit. It's unbelievable where you go. People will be watching that shit all day. A couple videos of interactions with your friends jumping up and down, smoking reefer, whatever the fuck you do. You know, box, I don't know. I don't fucking know. What do I know? No, but I like that. It's a great idea.

Yeah, and I've been saying this for years that that's how I would do it. That's it. That's it. Fucking 20-minute specials. Three of them. That's people's attention span. They can put it in their car while they're eating fucking lunch in that car. They can do a thousand things with it, and it's not going to step on their toes. It's 20 minutes. and everyone has and it's when I see long video sometimes I don't have time for this

you don't have time who does we've discussed a thousand times why do people keep going for the hour if they know even you know you have to really dig I mean Netflix would never give you

the analytics but you got to really when you watch those shows you got to find out how long people are actually watching that special before they turn it off and rewatch it or sit there the whole night and watch it.

Usually I got to watch them in two anyway. I really do. I watch all the specials on Netflix, but I got to watch them in two fucking pieces. But man, it's October. Fucking first already, Jack. It's getting cool. Pretty soon they're going to do this.

Fucking Monday. Oh. What's wrong? Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no. I got to move something around. because you don't want to be go to New York City, October 7th. That's a fucked up day to be walking around New York City. I think the first day I'll be home.

Yeah, so be careful. Just stay in the bunker on the fourth floor. You got no reason to come down that day. Give your legs up. You know what I'm saying? But I was talking about opportunity before and what you've become. And, you know, people have, you know how many times? people call me and I go, dog, there's a feature week.

Yoda's got one. And they go, I'm not a feature act. Okay, then sit at home. Right. Sit at home. The guy's got 17 weeks of work. When I was, you know, back in the early 2000s, this guy had 80 weeks of work. He had 10 fucking clubs, you know, that were A and B rooms types.

He brought in big names. You know, he spread it around. But on top of that, he had all of Michigan, half of, you know how big Michigan is for comedy? all those fucking lakes and shit. Right. I haven't thought about that. At the time, there was a funny bone and Mishawker, right by the Indiana border, by Notre Dame, all that shit down there.

But he controlled the rest of that fucking territory. He got me a winter gig once at a country club. There was four motherfuckers there at the bar and the yacht in the back, like it was frozen in the water. Like some kayak, whatever. The fork in water was so frozen.

The kayak. was stuck. I did a thousand rooms for him. So when I call you and I say, do you want to feature? And you go, no, I'm a headliner. I'm done with you. Because if you really want to work, you took it. Guess who takes that work? You. I love featuring. And that's the reason you got two cancellations this year. You got to fill in. Yeah, that was really fun. Think about it. But if you wouldn't have been there, if you wouldn't have raised your hand, and this is what people understand it all starts by getting off that fucking couch. Nothing's

going to happen on the couch. You got to get out. You know, I was thinking about my daughter today. She gets home at four, you know, three, Mondays is 245, 250. She does some homework. She's done it like 4.30. I got to go up there and get her

something. And go, what's going on? I'm relaxing after a long day. What long day? What long? day. When I was her age, I was just getting started at 3.30. I was just get after you have that afternoon snack, you know, when you go home and have that little snack. Yeah, always. Right there. There was no reason to do anything. I was that disciplined that I was

going to do my homework later, but I'd be out. All those stories I tell you about robbing trains, and that's what I was doing when I was 11 and 10 with these lunatics in North Bergen. We were going down to the swamps and getting those punks and then knocking on people's door and selling them for a dollar a piece because they keep away mosquitoes, you know, it's a different world. And listen, I understand. But when it's nice out, you got to get out of the house. Go throw a baseball and this neighbor, there's no kids that come up. They don't come up.

She's got to ring the doorbell for them and shit. And even then the kids will look out. It's sunny out there. We'll stay in. So you send her out to play? But there's really nobody out there. I mean, the kid goes downstairs, hits the bag a little bit, throws a ball, does some jumping jackals, and she comes back in.

I don't blame her. I don't fucking blame. You said that for years. You don't see kids playing outside anymore. You know, there's a little boy across the street. He's cool. I like Wesley. But he stays at the camp until five or whatever.

They do, like, after-school program. And the other two up the corner who she does. gets along with. They go to a Catholic school. So it's just very weird. But I was out. I was just getting started at 3rd. I was going home, bringing in the mail, getting a fucking ham and cheese sandwich.

And pang, my mother wasn't home when I was 11. Right. That's probably the difference. When I got home, I was gone. Gone. There's no reason to sit in this fucking mausoleum. Get out there. I sit in this fucking play street. hockey, whatever. We played everything. It didn't matter what the way. It didn't matter

whether you were good or bad. You just went out there and you tried your best. But, you know, what can I fucking tell you? It's all completely different. I'm pretty I'm going to be honest. I'm pretty content. You know, I was going to hold off, but

next Tuesday, tickets go on sale. It's either presale for my residency at Parks, Casino, in Philadelphia. I finally, pulled the trigger. I put together four shows, three in 2025 and one in 2024. And the date is November 22nd. It's the night before Thanksgiving. It's a great place. You can hang out at the casino. You can eat there. You can meet us at Joy Melino Steakhouse, cheese steakhouse,

fucking cheese steaks afterward, whatever you guys want to do. It's going to be a great night. So just letting you know, Philly, I don't talk shit. love you, motherfuckers. I'll be down there for some six of games and shit. I am so ready for fucking six of basketball, you know? And let's see if the Phillies get to the playoffs or whatever. I think playoffs started today. So I don't really know what's going on. But I'm excitedly. You're on those shows. Thank you, buddy. I don't know what to call them, you know. I got some people that can fly in for those. You know, we're going to have a good time. We'll bring our crew in, get Eric out here, George Perez, you know.

Oh, fuck yeah. And just have a good time again. You know, I don't want to get on planes. I got more announcements, but they'll come up when they fucking come up. But again, Lee, you're doing a great job. And I'm really proud. And, you know, you don't have that much noise in your head unless you put it in there. And that's the only problem you have.

You work yourself up for no fucking reason. It's just case. Say, LaVie. And how I know is because I used to work myself up at this level. And there was for no reason. There's nothing you could do. I wish I could stop. I don't know how to stop doing it.

You got to wait for the stars to align and then capitalize on that too. In any way, you can't. But since you moved to New York, you brought excitement back to me. I feel better. My future is a lot clearer. I didn't know what was going to happen. You know, I'm going to try to get into the city this week. to North Jersey to look at some offices

so we can put this podcast in full effect. That'll be fun. And that's my fucking plans, Lee. That's all that's on my mind right now. I've been writing a lot lately. Like, just writing and writing. It ain't funny. I don't give a fuck. I'll find something in there

but it's from my heart. And it's not shit I got to talk about for the podcast. It's none of that shit. So I'm excited. I'm going to do some spots this week around Jersey. After they announced a tickets. I can't do no shows 100 feet from 100 fucking miles from that. So I'm going to be going up to Brooklyn with you and the Bronx and something else just to work out because what am I going to do?

I ain't going to Philly if I'm not tip top. I got eight weeks to train to get to Philly. So seven weeks. That's exciting. Yeah, dude. I'm excited for it. Like one of the reasons I'm excited for it is like we did parks before. It was awesome. It was a great show. and it was like such you were so relaxed because it was such an easy thing for you to get to. I'm home. It seems perfect for you. I'm home.

That's a 42 minute ride for me from my door. Are you fucking kidding me? It's at one shot. You'll come here in the afternoon, meet me, we'll fucking get tuned up. Edible. We'll puke and then we'll go to the show. You know, like soldiers.

Perfect. Dude, oh. How did you feel how much in this weekend? I felt great. It was definitely nerve-wracking. Like, it was just, you know, it's going from 20 or 25 minutes tops to 50 is a lot. And I said, like, I felt I didn't want to let Josh down. And I also, you know, I want to do well in front of the owners.

Those were better than others. But, like, I felt really confident. confident and I dealt with and I dealt with things. But yeah, and I dealt with some like, some like, you know, talkers and things like that. But like overall, it went very well. Again, it was, I was, it was just fun to like, you know, almost not like bomb. I'm just so scared of bombing in that situation. And it was great that people came out.

It was awesome that people came out. And I got what I really like about it is that, you know, most of the people there didn't know who I was. Like they hadn't heard of the podcast. And if I can get, I would never want to let down like a listener, but if I can get someone who has never heard of me before to laugh, it's like,

okay, this is actually funny. Yeah. It was just, it like gave me a little, I like these weekends because it gives me like a little glimpse into like what life could be. Like that,

like just like that weekend is my dream. Five shows Thursday through Saturday. like that's if I'm headlining doing that every like 40 weeks a year that sounds fucking badass to me you're putting smoke in your head for no reason why would you just

go over 40 weeks a year when you're paying all that dough for four fucking stories so I don't know I get your investment out of that too so I do want to do that but yeah that's great 40 fucking weeks I don't know I just came up with a number I don't know you tell me what number

a number is something that you could still have a life and you still have a dose of reality and you don't burn yourself out you know I mean listen I was doing 40 weeks a year since fucking 98 $20,000 and fucking whatever but what I wanted to talk to you about was fear and comedy

okay I had listen you know people think I lied on them I have no reason the lie. I am scared of everything. Do you understand me? Like, before I have to do something, my head flips. That's a mental thing. That's the fucking retardation I have, okay? Everybody has

their own little quirks. I don't know. I think other people have this quirk. Like, I don't like looking at my stand-up material. I don't like looking at myself. I don't like listening to myself. I just like to put it out there and let the pieces fall where they may. If I said something wrong, whatever.

But I'm not going to, I'm not going to focus on that. I just want to focus on doing a good job. But we all have this natural fear as comedians and I love it. But again, because I lived in all those years, here it is plain and simple a nutshell. You're going to get opportunities when you're going to have a little fear. I shouldn't say this because people are going to take it the wrong way. I'm going to strangle one of these people take it the wrong way you know and I didn't I didn't do this but if I could do it over I wouldn't have put that much pressure on myself like triple runs in my mind it was minus the square guard right oh yeah you know and then you get there and you eat a bag of

dicks and you can make all the excuses that you want, you're always going out there to hit a home run, right? You're always going out to be the best that you can be. Just the best. I don't need a standing ovation. I don't need to make out with three chicks or have an orgy. I just want to go, I just want people to say, that dude is fucking funny. And you have a great time.

But I knew that I fucked up a lot of my good times by being scared when I'm in the back of some fucking hillbilly bar and Craig, Colorado. Like I took those things seriously, you know, and I looked back at it, and there was no reason. No reason. You know? You don't think, like, I should be more, like, free at those shows? A little more, but at some time, you're going to have to remove the safety net and be

at least I at. And that's when, I don't know, I get, I guarantee if I turn my phone off and go to got on my whoop, I have high stress right now thinking about those days. Because I'd walk into a club and then don't get me wrong. After like 2003, I was doing it 12 years, I got more looser. You know, there was more drugs. I got more loose. I was drinking, whatever the fuck it was.

But I didn't have that fear when I audition for Mitzie Shore. No? You weren't scared at all? No. as much as I was scared in some fucking Podug talent gig. You know what I'm saying? Like when I walked in the store at the store, I knew I belonged there. So it was kind of like in my mind, I just had to be funny, you know.

But I don't like that fear. Like I don't have it no more. The reason I didn't get on stage when I first moved here was A, COVID, and number two, people getting chopped apart for saying and doing nothing. It became open territory. people. Number one, I was burnt out to do stand-up. It was nowhere in my mind. You know, I was telling my wife I wrote, I read one of the notebooks. When I first got here a couple weeks ago, I found this notebook from the first six months here. Okay. I need a psychological help. I wasn't that bad a shame,

guys. I was in that bad a shape. I was writing in that notebook three times a day, and the night stuff I read was not good guys. I took that notebook and ripped it up and threw it in the fucking bottom of the bag so nobody could ever find it in the garbage again. Were you angry or something? No, I was confused.

I was very scared. I was scared of the move. I was scared. Listen, I can move anywhere. Call me. Just call me. It was like a paradise, really? It'll take me 10 minutes to get there.

I've always been open harder like that. But this move, was scary. I had two other people with me. I had a young girl with me. I didn't know what the schools were going to be like. I didn't know what type of neighborhood this really was or what it became. I was a little burnt out from stand-up. I was a little burnt out from the whole sexual fucking people point their fingers. I had to tell everybody to suck my dick. I was just burnt out.

But a lot of fear was there. There was a lot of fear. Like there's no fear when I went and got my knee surgery. I don't even know how I walked into that fucking place and got knee surgery replacement. Fucking people banging on my knee and shit like that. What happened? You hit the fucking edible spot? Again, you know, I got a call somehow. I could tell, but it's so weird, all that has turned in my life.

Like I have no, like at this point now, I'm like, why? And it started with Jiu-Jitsu, when I got serious about Jiu-Jitsu. was when that started. That was a year ago for the first time of my life. I got serious about something else except comedy. And because I did, that drove me to love comedy again. Or at least be excited about doing it. And then you move in here.

Now I got my buddy. It's easy to get on stage. We smoke 10 joints and we just do what we got to do. Get in the car, eat something, and giggle. It feels like going on the ice house. I'm excited. Just like that kind of night. You know, leave, bro.

I was coming to your house during the pandemic at about 7 o'clock on the off nights. And we would drink a tube of God knows what was in it. It was 200 milligrams. I forgot about those. Those were pretty good. And we do something else and something else. Like we did an edible and fucking smoke weed out in front of your house. That was all day for me back then.

It was not good. everything backfired like everything had just fucking backfired i'm like god damn what happened but no so i'm happy you're here thank you buddy i'm happy i mean yeah we got to show october 15th we got a lot of stuff going on yeah i put i'm putting something together for october 15th and then pretty much after that i got to do spots north jersey or fucking in the city so I'm excited about this, Lee. I don't care about the car. I already crashed it, so come, bitch.

Come one, come on. You know what I'm saying? I'll run you up. Now I know the capability I got in that fucking thing. If you're going to cut me off, I'm coming through you. Ba-ba-ba-ba-bam. It'll be like the Mexican do with the two bumpers. I hit him in the back and both bumpers fell off.

That fucking truck. I didn't even... That car is a tank. So you're going to drive it into the city? Drive it, take a ferry, you know. I just don't like the ferry at that because then you're always worried about getting back. Right. I can't have a good time.

I got to leave in a rush because I got to catch the 10-10 ferry. I thought the ferry would run along there, but it doesn't. That's crazy that they used to. But no, I'm excited to see, just that you're happy, excited about stand-up again. Because I tried not to push you. I know everyone was trying to push you. But as a comedy fan, like, I'm just excited that you're doing stand-up. And I didn't really understand when you were like, oh, like, I'm not ready to do it.

But I'm like, I had a take perspective. Yeah. I just watched a special recently where I know the guy. And it was 50% of the old perspective. And I'm like, this is why. had to get that you know fingers in the ass the monkey the muffler i had to get all that out of my mind i'm 61 i can't go up there and talk about eating pussy you know i can't i can't it just makes me look weird and feel weird so i had to change my whole approach do i want to go talk about my

daughter up there fuck no i still got problems people you know people texting me at eight o'clock at night on a Monday all day, all day. I've been sitting here like fucking Michael Chandler waiting patiently and these motherfuckers never, you know, I don't get it. I don't know. I think you might have just named your show. What? I still got problems. I do. I still got problems and they're getting even worse. You know, I can just give you a list of the future problems. I'm going to have somebody's going to get hit. Somebody with a Tesla is going to get hit soon because they're really getting...

They're really getting... Specifically, Tesla's? Those people who drive them are irritating motherfuckers. They think they're cute. They're in that phone. A spaceship. They're in there talking and dancing and yelling. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Because if I see you electronic drive, I'm hating you. I'm principal.

The car fucked up. Not me. I know what you're talking about. You were in the back, talking to your friends, doing your fingernails. if I see one of those pilot cars no pilot in the front and you're sitting in the back fucking looking at your eyelashes I'm hitting you out of principle

well yeah they're sitting in the back do people do I saw people sleep but I didn't see anyone taking the back that's crazy that is Gentile shit normal people don't do it

that's the Gentiles that oh my God you have a Tesla yes oh I love mine even though it's 9000 for the battery and I got to drive 10 hours to get a fueled. Right around the corner.

The little Nick the Mexican over there. It's like an Arab place, but they got Mexicans who double up. And I love them. What are they doubling up as? Arabs. They put like a little turban on sometimes. And then I catch them. I know they're Mexican. I don't blow that cover. That's not right.

You know what I'm saying? That ain't right. I love it. Where are you at this with? Mr. America. This weekend, I am at River. It's in Weatherstfield, Connecticut. It's, I have a show Friday and Saturday. It's River a Waterfront Restaurant.

What's the name of this? It's Bruhaha. Bruhaha. Yeah, it's the name. The club is at, it's called River, a Waterfront Restaurant. It's in Weatherstfield, Connecticut, Friday and Saturday. How nice. This is the club you shut down previously.

Allegedly. previously under a different And that's what they're going to do When you show up this week That's how they're going to bring you out previously At the Bruhaha It's going to show you up there People are talking

What's going on here And all of a sudden Today before and after You're headlining Yes Yep, it's my show What happened there? You bombed the first time

Now you're going back as an headline It don't matter They liked you That is really cool No, I'm really excited. The guy, Ryan, who runs the club is great. I've done other clubs around there and shows, and it's supposed to be a great room.

They just moved there maybe a few months ago or something. And it's great to do it. I'm really proud, especially this weekend. You didn't come home with no tomato stains on your shirt. No, thank God. Nobody got you off the stage with the hook. They give you that hook, and they push you out. They're like a dancer comes out of stage.

Keep it going. That's my like a worst nightmare. What's that? I get the light early. Do you imagine that? Like at like 20 minutes, you see a light flashing? It's happened. Oh.

And I'm still here. No, you know, it did not happen to you as a headliner. I was very aggressive in the beginning. And I would book myself in places. I didn't belong in. I didn't know. Nobody knows. Who the fuck knows?

Right. When I get there. They're like, ah, these people are Mormons. You know, and you're like, what the fuck? Here's my rent money. Now you tell me they're fucking Mormons and you want me to be clean? I got a joke about an orgy with Mormons and Salt Lake. No, I didn't, but you know what I'm saying?

Like, you're like, there was a lot of those things. I didn't know what I was booking myself into. I had no idea. I'm a fast talker from New York. I'm doing comedy of fucking Wyoming. That was one place I had to be. be escorted out to my car. I did a gig in New Jersey

for a police department that had to get a squirt out of there. What did you say? Those police officers? That the undercover cops were a bunch of douchebags. That's amazing. And they didn't like that. You can see the regular cops and you can see

the undercover cops. They all had beards and ponytails and they're over there drinking and smoking cigarettes and you can see they got like fucking meth eyes. And they're the ones that snort with you and then they fucking arrest you and they get clean before the trial and everybody's clean you're sitting there going this ain't the same bearded guy they fucking hook them up they take them to that rehab in florida you know so what were we saying

what was i saying he said about the yeah the um the undercover cops you got you got escorted out of the show yeah the cops bro they gave me a light they they said come through here and they they paid me and they go, we want to walk you to the back out, like three cops, how to walk me outside. Thank God I had friends there. Like, it was open to the public and friends of mine, I grew up, but were there. And they came over, gave me a hug, and I'm like, I got to get out of here.

We got to leave. And the cop goes, leave, and then meet up with these guys. Don't stay around here. That was the weekend before I got clean from cocaine. Were you, like, fucking with you? with them on purpose or like or what like do you think it was going to get a laugh i was probably i was probably aggravated because i didn't have no coke and these guys pissed me off more i had two benefits that week i had a benefit for the police department i'm not going to say the good people

i'm not going to say the department of the town and i had a benefit for my high school something my high school was a fucking disaster because they got they were all doing coke and got involved in the conversation. So it was a fucking disaster, but I took the money anyway. And the one the night before was a fucking disaster. I've been believing they're going, what the fuck?

Like, I just got escorted out of a police fucking event. And I did the Friday, and then Saturday afternoon, I got the call that. My friend died. I did Saturday night, and I got on the plane Sunday. That was it. I was so busy, I didn't do coke. And I was still giving a debate about that movie.

So that was 17 years ago when that happened. Wow. It's a long fucking time ago, brother, when I got booed off a stage like that. I got booed off another time after that, I think in Atlanta. But you were like taking chances that I'm not. Like, I don't really, like that's a wild thing to say.

to a room full of cops like... Listen, in 2005, I got a little... I bombed. I did like a six city tour. First of all I was too drunk and too fucking addicted to Coke

to be on this tour by myself. You know? I was... That's a week I passed out in Beaumont. The people had to fucking pick me up and take me to a hotel and have me there for three days. They had me on holdout.

My face was off. They wouldn't move. So, yeah, I got booed that weekend. That whole tour, I got booed. I forget where I went, but there was one disaster after another. It wasn't good. I wasn't a real headline. I was just throwing material together.

Bye you. Bye, yeah. And that wasn't a fart. That's my new puppet. This is show. Holy shit. That second one sounded like you shit your pants a little bit. No, no, no.

This is clean stuff. This is a protein shape with pineapple, coconut water, a little protein powder. Clean, Bobby. I love it. So, yeah, you know, fear is good doubt. What are you laughing about? Dude, I just went back into it. No, what do you want me to say?

I farted and I took a whiff. everything is beautiful. It's a beautiful Tuesday morning. I'm ready for the fucking world. And that's it, my brother. We'll do this again next Monday. Hopefully, yeah, we can do it live. No, no, not next Monday. Hopefully, like, two weeks after that, we'll start this motherfucker. Maybe take a week off, set up the studio, and come out blasting. That'll be great. I'm excited to do in person. We're going to get fucked up again, but I'm excited. That's part of the deal. If worst comes to the scenario, we all go to the fourth floor.

You know what I'm saying? We sleep it off on the fourth floor. Watch me get up those stairs. Great to see you, buddy. Great to see you, too. I love you, man. Congratulations for your second headlining week of the year. You're a fucking animal.

And we'll chit-chat during the week. It's Tuesday, October 1st. The checking is brought to you by. Diet Smoke. Listen up, cock suckers. Uncle Joey doesn't mess around. when it comes to relaxing. You guys know me.

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