The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Joey Diaz got a face lift with Tara Cannistraci

Episode Date: July 8, 2025

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt sit down with comedian and podcaster Tara Cannistraci. They discuss Joey's recent surgery and why he doesnt deserve to be hungry, fighting for yourself, and Joey tells a story that's hard to believe.  Support the show and get your first month of Blue Chew for free. Just pay $5 for shipping & use code JOEY at https://www.bluechew.com  New customers, bet $5 on DraftKings & get $150 in bonus bets instantly. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & press in code JOEY.  

What's happened, Savages? Uncle Joey here with my trusted partner in crime, Mr. Lee Syatt, post 4th of July, I'm all done with fireworks and we're ready to rock another week of tremendousness. You know what I'm saying? What's up, doctor? How are you feeling? I'm feeling great, dude. How was your weekend? My weekend was fine. I went ahead. I had my uncle's 80th birthday. Oh, that's always a blast. That's always a real kick in the ball thing. Makes me feel old and young at the same time. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It was a good time, but it was, you had to take edibles. I hope you did. Oh, yeah. For the fireworks, I have to. If you're watching fireworks without edibles. How many milligrams did you take? I took, I took an ABX.

That's it, just one. Yeah, just one. I was around 80 years on the water. How fucked up you want me to be? Listen, first off, you're 30s. There's no number I can say that would be right. Because first of all, you're 36 years old. Once you see fireworks one time, you've seen them all.

I don't like fireworks. Okay. The fireworks in the 4th of July are in your soul and in your fucking brain. So that means you got to elevate from 200 to 600 milligrams. Jeez. I would have fallen in the water. Boom. Huh?

We were on the water. You would have done better off. You would have been better off. Okay. Hey, it would have gotten me out of dinner. You would have had them, what? Would have gotten me out of dinner than that night? That's right.

What did you eat for dinner that night? Oh, this dude, he had the best 80th. I've only been a 180th birthday party. his wife had seafood towers for everybody we went to a steak place it was fun when we were kids when I was a kid he made me eat a bug

like he had these dried but I brought a packet I bought dried bugs on the internet and brought it for him to eat it was a blast it was a good time did you need any bugs this week I did I had one bug if he it's his birthday I gotta have one bug went in Rome you know what I'm saying

that's why I love about you oh one in Rome you might as well that's where the training comes in It wasn't a live one. They sell everything on Amazon. You got those bugs left us. Next week we'll do 600 milligrams. I'll bring them.

They're like eight bucks for like a bunch of bugs. Just buy another bag and we eat the whole bag. You get the whole bag. You're going to eat one. Maybe we'll get another sponsor. Who knows? Who cares at this point? What do you mean who knows?

I don't want to be the only one eating bugs and then you're sitting there with a full plate. Maybe I'll put some honey out. Yeah. You know what? They were lightly salted. It's okay. Lightly salted? Lightly.

That's all. It's like you're in power. Animal mom. They give you a nice bug, like these salted. Oh, the restaurant was pissed because we were in like a private dining room

and I opened up this bag and they exploded like a bag of potato chips and then when you opened it all, it went flying and it's a nice steakhouse and they were not happy about it. Did you tip to do an extra 20? I didn't have, it was that that's the best part

about someone else's birthday part. Like they was all paid for. There were no checks, no nothing. But you always tip your waiter to make an impression. you do not. One impression do you want to make.

Especially when you show up with a bag of fucking dead bug, little fucking Jewie maggie. It's a matter with you, any kind of bug. Whenever you go to a restaurant, even the thing is bought and paid for, you want to tip that guy Lee. You're part of the fucking,

you're part of something bigger here. Who am I? You tip when it's already, when someone else is paying, you tip double? Absolutely. You tip that person. Not the whole staff.

The guy who took care of you. Right when you sit down. Go, come here. Here's a fuck. No, the guy that's taking care of you. The bartender, you got to walk to it. I'm giving money to the guy that gives me that drink right there. Hi, Mr. Diaz.

How are you? Pena Colada? Sure. Hey, you got anything to eat back there? I got a cheeseburger. Holy fuck. But that conversation is never going to happen if he doesn't know I'm in his corner. Right.

So before I even sit down, I'm throwing something in his pocket. If it's two of us, it's a 50. So he knows what fucking time it is, motherfucker. So when somebody else goes, hi, I want a shrimp cocktail, he goes, fuck you. I'm over here. at my man Lee. Go fuck yourself. You didn't tip, you maggot, motherfucker.

Oh, it was a party. That's how you do it. No one was tipping extra. Huh? No one was tipping. Oh, it was all Jews. That's why. You would have stuck out. You would have been the king fucking Jew. With a fucking dollar. You would have been Netanyahu. If you were given one fucking dollar, you'd have been like Netanyahu in that bitch. Running things, lighting firecrackers. Oh, that would have been amazing. But you know what I did have? I had my first martini

and they brought a little extra like you know like the milkshakes when they bring the extra Yeah that's sperm They came in your martini because you didn't tip you fuck That's what that is That's when they brought you a little estra

You know they're like yeah this is great I know it tastes good That's some fucking Haitian in the back That's got two weeks left in the country That shook his fucking sperm Into your little cocktail there You got to tip Lee You always do tip I tip I tip all the time

No but you see those people As soon as they come to the table Right off the bat. Remember we discussed a sushi restaurant? When you walk into a sushi 20, come here, Ching, here you go, Ming, here. Whatever, it's Chinese. Ha-ta, whatever's fucking name is.

I don't know. Do you get pissed off if they don't? What if you give them the extra 20 and then they still suck? I take it back. Shit, Ming, come here. It's over. I sat here, I waited for water for two hours. I did it.

I forget, because of all the fucking training we've done. I forget if this is a story that I remember that I heard someone say. When I was a server, I think it was me, put out like money at the beginning and like, this is your tip. If it starts, things start to suck. I'm taking stuff back. And it would like people do that. It's funny. Like, do you ever say that in the beginning?

Like, there's more in it for you if you're good, nothing? No, just say, listen, man. I'm over here with my wife. I'm trying to make a good impression. Give the shit you give the Russians. Don't give me the bad shit. You know what I'm saying? Right.

Like a joke and you put a 50 in this box? He won't even look at it, though. He goes in the back. This all goes back to Primo. Yeah, I was thinking about it. That was a joke, but it's really not. Because nobody pays attention to the Mexican bus boy. If you break a 10 on that Mexican bus boy,

he'll, by the end of the dinner, he's cutting your toenails. And his cousins, they're playing the guitar for you and fucking, you got tamales cooking. They're giving you shit off the menu. You understand? Right. It's the guy who least expects to get tipped. You put a fucking 10 in his pocket.

It's a $10 bill to you, but to him, he crossed the border. He came over here, and you're the first person who gave this guy fucking love. Out of all these white devils, you gave him fucking love. Do you understand me? Right. And that goes a long fucking way, my friend. You know, you're not wrong. My next birthday, I'll tip extra.

But I don't do I don't know I got cheap I guess I don't know Someone else's brother Everything was paid for What am I supposed to? And you're in front of your girlfriend

You always want to be a big shot In front of your girlfriend Whether you live with her Whether you fucked her in the ass Already it don't matter You always want to be a big shot In front of them You know what I'm saying

Once you fuck him in the ass Then you don't want to be a big shot no more Gazoo How good are you You know what I'm saying Gazoo? Oh my gosh I've never fucked anybody in the ass

Well it's time to start That's your problem. Do you tip her after you fuck her in the ass? No. Why not? You send flowers. Flowers. That's what a real gentleman does.

You give a girl a 50 after you fuck her in the ass. It's not going to work out for you. But if you send flowers a little fucking baby powder and maybe a little anal oil or something. Yeah, you got to be a gentlemanly. You know what I'm saying? I had the fantastic weekend. I walked around all weekend with fucking 40 stitches in my head. that's always brilliant to have.

My eyes still fucked up. For all you fucking momos, why do you have abandoning you here? Here it is. Here it is. You cocksuckers, no more band-aid, all right? They went deep in there, guys. I mean, this was, it was a hell of a weekend,

but it was great. Listen, it was well worth it. You want me to tell you something? For the last fucking six months. I do what I have after in the morning. I hustle, whatever. My wife, this, that. And I had this problem, man.

Fucking 1.30, 4 to 2. no matter what I'm doing, it ends. Like, it just ends. People are like, why don't you ever do that? Trust me. Because I'll have to take a fucking nap in your house and you don't have a sleep at your machine. And that's, every day I go down.

It was my body couldn't carry the infection. Disinfection was so deep. And I kept throwing antibiotics at it, the doctors. And the more antibiotics you throw out of infection, the stronger it gets. It's like giving an Indian gin. It ain't going to get no benefit. You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? Like it ain't gonna get no better for you. So they made this infection. It was so fucking deep that it was just kicking my ass. Like that's why people go, oh yeah, I'm doing this at four. Good luck. Because, dog, I can't count on it.

I cannot do it. Right. Some days it would be 2 o'clock. You know how many times I just went down at 6 o'clock? I just went down. I told my wife, after dinner, like I got to go lay down. Where? You got somewhere to go.

It's not going to happen. and it was all because of the ear. I cut it out. I'm walking around with 40 stitches, but it feels a lot better than what I had before going through my body. I didn't take an app today. I always take an app before the podcast.

I wake up to jump in the shower, to get my clothes on, to fucking, today I didn't take an app. I watched my pussy. Nice. But I fucking didn't take a nap. Dude, you were so, you never FaceTime me.

To be honest with you, I wasn't even sure that you knew how to fail. And I get like I see a missed call from him. Like what the fuck happened? And I call you back regular. I thought you made a mistake. You're like FaceTiming. Your face,

you were wrapped up more than you were smiling. I look like one of those guys. I look like one of the guys that I ran right now. I had the Habib hat on. But this is hysterical, right? For the last three months, four months, I don't know what happened. Somewhere in the hospital.

this nerve went away. Like, this nerve just went kaput. So that means sometimes I smoke dope and it's fine. But every day, this eye is going deeper and deeper down, right? It's going deeper. Every day, I'm like, what did I do to get this forest with a guy? So I already made an appointment for the doctor to go see this. It's like July 94.

I made the appointment like in fucking April. It's like the end of July. I have to walk around with this droopy fucking thing. And it's not that disease. people have palsy? It's not. It's just my doctor looked at it. And she's like, no, you just got a nerve ending. I ain't going to lie, nobody.

This is cocaine. This is 30 years of cocaine of doing bumps. And you just you know, it just gave up. It just, it really did. One day it said, Joey, we can't bring the curtain up no more. You know what I'm saying? The curtain went up and down, up and down for all those fucking years. Enough. So the eye was fucked up. Now, they did the surgery. I get up.

And my wife goes, you got to see your feet. face and I go, why? I've been looking at it for 60 years. What's the difference? I look at it and I start laughing. And my wife goes, why are you laughing? I go out of all the things. We got to put the picture up. We got to figure out of the way to put it up. I'll put it up. This eyebrow

was elevated. I think it was this one. It was elevated to the fucking max. Like I had a durace up my ass. Something I have, I still have the one you sent me. I'll send it to Joe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this one was up all the way now, and this one was getting pulled. So it was like, it's been a nightmare, really,

because I can't even look at the fucking program guide. What happened? I don't know what the fuck's going on on TV. I got to, like, look, because, oh, my God. And then you haven't even told them that, I'll have them put it up on the screen. Oh, this one needs to be full screen. I'll definitely have them put it up.

But the best thing about this is my dream come true. I got a neck brace. I got a Jewish gold chain. That means I'm 62. I'm about to cause some damage, Jack, because I'll never stand for a line again. Oh, my God. And if you threaten me with anything,

I'll just say, I already got three lawsuits going to. You don't want to be number four. And I would mark something on that. Like, I would put, like, two lawsuits and counting. Like, that's all a Jewish star. Dude, it was... Like, I got to get it colored and nice

and get, like, a Jewish... star and put fucking like a name of an attorney on there like I ain't fucking around Jack oh my god because you what happened was that's brilliant ideally the name of the attorney yeah we could just go for an attorney and listen you're about to make a million dollars if I wear your neck brace with your name on it and your phone number on there this is bigger than Norton fricking associates you understand me I'll be making money hand over fist jack why don't they do why don't any of the personal injury attorneys have neck braces. Because they don't think like me. I'm the old Jew. I'm an

OG Jew. I've been telling you that since I met you. That I'm an OG Jew. You wear the neck brace with the lawyer's thing and a yarmulka and that's where you have the business card. You know what I'm saying? Like it's a pez dispenser? Like a fucking like a pez dispenser. Oh my

God. Because what happened was is you called me you called me with the face and then like 20 minutes later I got another call and usually that's like you're like you press it by mistake. So I picked it up and you were, I haven't heard you this happy and maybe ever, and they gave me one. I finally, and you, like, dude, you're going to wear it everywhere. You were so happy.

I'm, like, I, like, I, like, but on your Christmas list. And he was watching me going, what's he, what's he talking about? And I'm dropping it, like, I'm fucking going out there. I'm going to spread this shit. And he's like, the fuck are you talking about? Are you out of your mind? You really have to wear the next time you go to the airport and have to push you on the wheelchair? Oh, neck brace is a must.

I got my home. Everybody would clear and pre-TSA. Watch my shit. You know what I'm saying? Watch my shit. Show up when the plane's boarding and let's go right. My shit. You know what I'm saying?

Watch me. No, fuck the... We're about to board the process. First up, over 100K, United Supreme, United this. I walked in front of all of them. You understand me? No, you're pushed him from the home. Armed forces, I walk in front of them, too.

I salute those motherfuckers. I got the neck brace with the fucking name of the lawyer. And, oh, I'm going big. Oh, did you tip the doctor who did the ear? Huh? Did you tip the doctor who did the ear? Tip him? Yeah.

No, he's a fucking... How come he doesn't get tipped? Because he's got a tennis court and a fucking basketball court in his backyard. Okay. And I have a tree that got hit by lightning. Okay, that's why I didn't tip him, okay? That's fucking why I didn't tip him All right anything else

That's it We gotta break the fucking whatever And then we got a nice pretty guest today I'm excited Me too But yeah I had the stitches Fourth of July George came over

My brother Chris The worst fish guy in the world I went to his house Last weekend And he made a ton of food He's a fucking tremendous cook This guy He made these little lobster tails

When I saw him I go I can't believe you sell fish for a living. Another guy, he must be cousins with the Puerto Rican chick from the hospital, with the South crowd on the bread. I'm like, come on, Chris. I tasted those lobster tails. They were delicious. They were small, but flavor and more meat.

You know, you buy these big thing and it's got like three little pieces. The rest sticks to the back, you know. There's a piece of shit running through it. I ate something the other day, a piece of shrimp. And there was a little piece of shit hanging. him right from the thing. Oh, no. I showed it to the way that go, come on, dog. I don't mind eating this shit. Tuck it in there.

I'm straight up. I'm a gangster. I'm old school. Talk it in. Don't let the little piece of shit hang out like a fucking ratler. Did they do anything for you? Yeah, they gave me like three new ones and told me to forget about him. Jesus. You know how we run it. Why are you interrupting me for? Real quick,

a word from... We have draft kings. Blue chew, you fuck. Oh, fuck, yeah, I'm sorry. Real quick, we got Blue Chew. We'll be right back. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Listen, all sex is good sex.

But if you're not having any sex because of VD, it's time for blue chew, Jack. They're the original brand of chewable tablets for better sex. There's a tablet with the same ingredients as Viagra and the same active ingredients as Cialis and a combo tablet with both active ingredients so you can choose your own adventures. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Everybody likes an adventure from time to time. Get ready to enter the room. Dick first, Jack, Uncle Joey style.

Discover your options at bluechew.com. Again, that's bluechew.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners on a beautiful Tuesday morning. As always, get your first month of Blue Chew absolutely free. That's right, you heard be right. Just pressing promo code Joey, J-O-E-Y at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping, and that's it. And get ready to sling big dick this summer, you know what I'm saying? The kind of dick that you wake up in the morning and they're just people laying around you.

You don't even know who they are, you know what I'm saying? They're all scratching the head too. What happened? Anyway, listen, join Blue Choo's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time, Jack. Head to bluechew.com for details and safety info. And I want to thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast and for having our back for years. Like they said, listen, get ready to work that pelvis.

You know what I'm saying? Get those kettlebells, throw them out the window. It's over. You're working it, Jack. I love you. Head to Bluetooth.com right now for details and safety information. We're back. What's happening, beautiful people?

Our beautiful guest is a savage. My name is Tara. Canis Tracy. Thank you. Oh, look at Lisa here coming in. Roder up enough. Chas can't say it. Ten years, he can't say it.

What is it? It's ready. Tapistano. The only part about that that was right with the C at the beginning. Is a C? Canis Tracy. Canis Tracy. Okay.

What's up, beautiful? Hi. I knew I was going to get stuck. I already smoked a few bong hits today. So I knew your name was going to be. your tongue twisted. So right. What's going on?

Thank you for having me, boys. Look at you and shit. All grown up and doing the town. Right before your eyes, I grew up. Fuck, well, the one eye. My other eyes all fucked up right now. The eye that goes up. Jesus Christ, almighty.

Joey got a facelift. He don't want to tell anybody. He's doing it in parts. He got the left side lifted and he's going to call back. I wish. I didn't know you with his vein, Joe. Come on, dog. I would love it.

When you turn 70, you should start doing plastic surgery. You'll get it for free. Could you imagine being the plastic surgeon that works on Joey Diaz? Gets a blimp's pumped up. There ain't no coming back from that. There ain't no coming back from that shit. I think it's people think it, to me it's like the new wig. You ever see somebody who walks in with a really bad toupee?

And you're like, this guy thinks he's got the whole room fucking fool, okay? And at first you're like, this guy might be interesting when you're like, no. He's trying to make a jerk out of me. Like with that fucking wig. I'm not even going to talk to. I love when they don't match the colors. Oh, my God.

It's just horrible. It's just horrible. That's my favorite. Listen, if you have to wear a wig, don't have to. You could just shave your head. Nobody will say nothing. You look out of all the other mutants

that go to the USA. You just get a tattoo of a fucking dragon on your neck. And shave your head. Nobody will say a fucking word to you. Even if you had shaped like a fucking mango. They won't say a fucking word to you, but that's what plastic surgery looks like to me when I'm in LA.

Like I'm like, guys, you know. We know. We know that you can't move your fucking eyes. Like, I remember seeing a girl from friends. She could not move her fucking eyes. Which one? It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter why I'm here on the show. It's even crazier with guys with plastic surgery. Guys, you see it. I'm going to say who I cannot fucking believe got plastic surgery because it breaks my fucking heart. Tom Cruise's old wife.

Oh, Nicole Kidman. She can't even move her lip. She cannot move a fucking thing. What her lip? She eats intravenously. Her arms look like mine. Some chubby chicks takes the blood out from the elbow. I want to know what hospital this is.

I got to call the fucking doctor tomorrow. I just went to the hospital. I took, they tried to take blood out of my elbow. I want to know. You see this, right? I'm not making this shit up. Blood is taken from this area here. Why do I have a fucking thing?

And she missed, because I missed the vein. No shit, you missed everything. You missed the whole fucking thing. The chubby one saved the day with the sour crap, Brett. She got me one shot. I was fainting, okay? But the reason why I was fainting, Tara, because I was telling you the story before,

listen, the nurse was taking blood out, she fucked up. So now after the second prick, it hurt. Because once you get that prick, it goes right to my brain. You have like a little shot. If you're taking blood out, I could work with you on that prick because something's happening. Right. But once you say, let's say two stabbings,

I usually leave after that. Like, I'm done. After you missed twice, I don't trust you no more. bro one time that had to shoot me five fucking times. You got hard veins though. I had rollies. Yeah. I had every Filipino nurse.

They had to fly the grandmother in via helicopter. Come in. She still had fucking pigeon on her fingers when she came in. So this one, this was what really happened. Some genius said, put the bed upside down. So when they put the bed back, like, you know, when you're hang by your arm, ankles because your back is tight. Yeah, yeah. That machine, I used to have that.

I have it in the garage. They were sponsored for like a week. We didn't sell it. They canceled, but they left a a $1,000 a dollar thing in the fucking garage. I'm like, why would you do that? Anyway, so. They tipped you upside down? They tipped you down.

They tipped me over. And while I'm trying to recover my breath and shit, she's next to me breathing. She was chubby, and she just kept breathing, and I couldn't match her breath. Like it was like, shoot, I'm going, she's pulled. There was no rhythm to it. And then I got the sourcrow

bread and that just, you know, anybody gets anxiety. I don't give a fuck. Somebody's, you can't match that breath. Then the sourcrown, I just went into a fucking coma. But I didn't faint. I just saw a couple things. Then I asked for water and they always like, no water, ice cubes.

My wife had a bottle of water. I just picked it up instead of drinking it. You can't drink water. Get the fuck out of here. It's like if they tell you, you know, come to the hospital. or six. Don't eat the night before. Fuck you. Fuck you. What do you mean, fuck you? You're supposed to listen to them. Fuck you. What time is the surgery? If they say nine, that's 11. That means I sit there from 530 to 11 with sugar water.

Sugar water. I already missed my two eggs sunny side up. I miss my toast, my proof bowl. What if they're on time? Huh? What if they're on time and you fucked up? then we'll deal with it. But you're not going to tell. Like last week, I had watermelon for breakfast, had a cup of coffee. Did they eat a surgery? Fuck, yeah.

Jesus, joke. I got up at 6.30, I had watermelon, two eggs sunny side up with a piece of bread and fucking coffee. It's like the number one. They told me, you'd be in the room about 11 o'clock. Bingo! I was in the room at 1 o'clock.

And they poked me and took a thousand gallons of blood. I'm telling you my fucking, it was like Jesus. They just kept poking shit. And fucking hit, they just kept beating on the, they just kept beating on the poor Cuban, Tara. Happy Easter, everybody. What are you, what am I supposed to do, Tara? Because you're not old yet. You're only, you're in your 60s.

What am I going to do when you, like, actually don't give a fuck? Those rules are so you don't choke to death, right? They put you under. That's communist shit. They do that for that last control. It's like send me a tape. You know what I'm saying? It's that type of shit.

Come on, man. Well, that was in the hospital last time I had a no surgery. The surgery was at eight. I got up at five. And I went right into that little den where you're not supposed to go. I ate like four boxes of fucking cornflakes, the little ones. Can we put words underneath this? This is not medical advice.

You were receiving, please do not. I don't have time, but I'm old. I got one foot in the grave on a banana peel. You know what kills me more? If by 11 o'clock you don't feed me and you keep coming in there and sticking me with needles. That's going to depress me more than anything.

Just give me something to eat. Give the brother a grape, you know what? So what happens when you get hungry? Like, why? Like, I don't, obviously, I don't like being hungry either, but Jesus Christ. Listen, if I want to be hungry, I'll move back to Cuba. I didn't get to be hungry, okay?

All right, I didn't come here to be hungry. All right? I didn't come here to be fucking hungry. I've worked myself up towards position I don't deserve to be hungry. I don't deserve to be hungry. What the fuck? What did they give you after in recovery?

Did they make up for it? They might as well fucking shit in my mouth. They gave me all those pepper-trod and muffins that was like dissolved. It was like it came out like toothpaste. It was terrible. It was terrible. Thank God my wife brought something.

And again, they're like, you can't eat for an hour afterward. Listen, I will fucking stab you in the throat. I don't have. I'm time for this shit. Listen, there's a point in me, and some people might go, you know, Joy, you're acting very immaturely.

But I'm not, Taryn, because there's a point you're paying. I'm paying you. What's what are we doing here? Like the last time, the second time I went in, I got up to my floor, they're having an emergency room in the hallway for six hours, then they put you in an emergency room bed, you spend the night in a bed thinner than this.

If you fucking go this way, you fall off an emergency. Again, thank God I could order from the, you can order from the kitchen an emergency, deliver to your room. So I was living big. No. I had fucking Lee brought me. Oh, yeah.

You've participated in this. Well, no, there's no surgery. This is when he was just, he couldn't, he had trouble breathing. And there was this sort of Jewish deli across the street where, and you went over there, the guy who runs it, I'm surprised he has his deli there because he's going to be in the hospital.

His fingers are bigger than any, but there was good food. Oh, my God. It was good Jewish jelly. But, yeah. But that was good food, though. Like, you have... Pistrami-a-a-a-ri? Huh?

Pistrami-a-a-a-a-shaughtsha. Pistrami. You like shrimp salad. The fucking salads, Tara. The macaroni salad? Yeah, no. I'm into it. Every time I eat macaroni salad now, it tastes like refrigerator.

I could taste that little metal or something. That shit was clean, Bobby. Fresh. Clean Bobby, you understand me? but you can order breakfast in the emergency room. So I was getting eggs and shit, two-eight sunny side-up, bacon,

oatmeal. Nobody's going to take this meal away. Fuck, yeah, I'm hungry now. Nothing's going to stop those two sunny side eggs. It's bad enough you're in a fucking hospital. It's bad enough. You're confined to one room. They tell you all these things, they wake you up every two hours and check your blood pressure.

Yeah, they do wake you up. Which is $2.50 a pop. And they give you that water. that costs $1.70 a thing and they charge you $2,000 a bottle for that shit. It's water with sugar. You know, and I bet they don't put a lot of sugar in there. You know what I'm saying? It's not like,

yeah, give them the extra. So you can at least bounce off the fucking things. Do they charge you for the food? Oh, they hit you big. In the hospital? They hit you like your fucking, like Chef Mandini's cooking in you. I'm surprised you even did it. I would have just sent the nurse

over to the Jewish jelly every time. No, you can't do that, Lee. But Anyway, the second hour went to the hospital. I'm in fucking hallway for six hours. I spend the night in emergency room. That's like 18 hours. You know, I'm from the old school. It's time to wash the fucking pussy.

18 hours of fermenting. Did they sponge band you? No, I don't want to fucking sponge bad, Tire. I'm too old for that shit. I want to wash my own boss and my own pussy while I can't. I don't want to live till you got a lady and some chick that's like 22, you know, He's got to wash your balls and tell you, how are you, Mr. Diaz?

I don't ever want that to happen in my world. That's just embarrassing. There was a guy in the hospital next to me shitting everywhere. People wiping his ass. No, I know. Just take me now. No, no. Shoot that fucking thing in the thing.

Nobody knows nothing. He died of a heart attack while he was shit in blood. Okay. You know, it ain't going to take much to prove it wrong. But this motherfucker told me, Like I get up there She goes this is your room All right

I was like Anything you need Bring me on the thing No I don't need anything She left and she comes back I'm already half naked Like I'm already in the shower I got the hot water on

I'm whistling I'm thinking of my fucking shower Okay Because that's all I give a fuck about I'm not a camper No no me neither Listen You gotta wash your pussy

Yeah I'm not That's not for me All that shit is great Without nature yeah But that shit gets You can only wipe your ass So much You know what I'm saying?

Think about it. You can wipe your ass like three times. They ain't got to put some water in that. Yeah. You got to put some water in that hole, Nikki. You know what I'm saying? You got to put water in that hole. Enough with the toilet paper.

And no bidet at the hospital. They don't have a bidet at the hospital. I don't need a bidet. I got my hand in a fucking towel and soap and had a septic soap. I got soap in there that's like purple soap. Yeah. That just zaps the hemorrhoid. It's just, that's all you hear.

It's like, It's like one of those electric things When the mosquito runs into it I forgot how seriously you take your showers You did that the last time you were in the hospital That nurse told you no shower no shower Yeah No shower, come again

Wait, why no shower? Because the doctor has to clear it, listen Oh, because you were dizzy Huh? No, other last time. I wasn't fucking dizzy No You're never too dizzy to take a fucking shower, okay?

You're dizzy if you don't take it You know when I get dizzy When I'm laying there like a retard and I scratch my balls and sniff it and then you get dizzy you get fucking, you know, you can't believe that's your nuts. Yeah, you've been laying there

for 24 fucking hours with those same underwear on. No, no, I can't. I'm gonna happen. I'm with you. I'll feel better after a shower. I'm with you, Joe. That thungite toenails on fire.

That motherfucker's popping in there right now. You know, he needs water. You got to calm that motherfucker down. This lady's like, no shower. I go, listen, I'm going to the fucking shower, right? She's like, well, you have to put a tube around your arm to protect. Listen, no tube.

I wash it with one hand, right here. I'm like the one-arm swordsman. You know, I was trained for this shit in Cuba. He still had IV things in his arm. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I don't give a fuck. You got to wash. Someone gives a fuck.

Who? Where in the medical book? Show me where it says you can't take a shower. What medical books are you in red? Whatever medical book that you're basing that the doctor has to clear me. Do not try this at home. Okay.

Where's the medical book? Show me the fucking medical book where it says I have to clear a fucking patient after 24 hours of not showing because what could possibly happen to this motherfucker in the shower. My blood pressure would go up. I do need to feel a certain level of high.

I do like I'll feel better. Just let me shower. Right. I see that. But just I forgot about it. that mixed with the eating. Well, the eating. What eating?

Joe. The fuck it, listen. It's a little cereal before. A little cereal. Now it's cereal. It was two eggs. He's added everything to this meal. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hold on.

The first time I had the surgery, the first time they stuck the tube in my arm. They stuck the tube in my arm to go to your heart to see if you need something in there. They stitch it up. Something like that. And it was at 11. Okay.

I woke up at 5.30. it's not good. I'm not the type of guy that's going to fall right back to sleep. So, like, by seven, I know Uncle Joey. You know what I'm saying? I know, I know. I've been able to sit in two years. I'm going to have to do something.

So I went in that little room, and I got two of those, maybe three, four of those little packages of cornflakes, no sugar. They had sugar flakes, 20 of the tiger. Frosted. I could have gone for those, and it would have gone.

really came up in the blood test. Look at health conscious, showy right now. I could have the honey nut Cheerios, but they had more sugar than the cornflakes. You're right, they do. You had four bowls this year. Yeah. It doesn't matter.

And I had the 1% milk. Oh, the 1% doesn't come up. No, it's like watery. It's like the cum that comes out of you. When you're 13, it's like when you're 12, that liquor comes out, it's like a half of egg. You ever see when you go to park? I've never seen it.

year old let that fee know now I've never seen that you've been in a park and you see like a half an egg and it's like the chicken's head but the rest of it is sperm no it's a fucking pigeon and the egg falls when he's a little pigeon but his head is developed but the rest of him is just you know like liquid like goo that's one percent milk everybody that's what that's why I had one percent milk and that's okay before surgery Sure. Okay. Now, if I went to fucking Nora's house and had the,

you got Sunday leftover sauce, you shouldn't. You know what your grandmother would say. Well, you got surgery at 11 o'clock. Go ahead. You need all the nourishment you could get. And nobody died. Eat this. So make you feel better.

Yeah, eat this. You don't want to this. No, don't take it to meat. Take it to brajo. That's better. I got the egg. Yeah, the egg, protein. You know, they don't live.

I'm from that school. Yeah, I know. going for war. Your body's about to go to war. I need everything I can get. You're going to show up with sugar water. I'm going to lose this fucking war. It's fucking sugar war. There's no protein. There's Ugats. There's nothing. You got to go in there with something.

Pasa Vazzoal before surgery. Right? The beans. See? I'll take a couple of Pasa. Sustain you. Three, four hours before surgery. Oh, right when they were about to put you out, you blow that last fart. When they say, here, breathe this oxygen. You feel that little hot air coming out of your ass? And you take that one peek and everybody's looking at each other,

like everybody's guilty. Oh, Tara. The other day before they caught me, I go, they were like, we're going to take you in the back about five minutes. I go, you know what, let me go to the bathroom real quick. And they walked me half in with the fucking thing. And when they closed the door, I didn't have to pee. But I had 10 minutes.

And I go, I'm going to make something come out of me. Because, not sperm, none. No, not disgusting. No. I'm going to make something come out of my dick because as soon as I get back on that cot and they put me in there and the cold there from the surgery room hits me,

I'm going to have to fucking pee. When I did the knee surgery, oh my God, I was fine. Tire out. They put so much pain shit in me that I couldn't feel nothing. And when I run in the room, I go, oh, fuck, I got to pee.

And also they go, okay, I go, let me go to the bathroom because my dick was inside the nuts out. I mean, from all the pain medication, I had no, no, no, I go to the back. They're like, no, no, no, no, this nurse is going to do it. And I'm like, they're going to give me like the 60-year-old that's ugly and dead.

It don't really matter. Nobody's going to believe her story, you know what I'm saying? They gave me the hottest fucking nurse you haven't seen your life. And she put a, she had a whole, she had a whole, she had a whole thing, put a heart of dick, and we made eye contact without the whole thing. She had the prettiest fucking eyes. She had eyes like my wife. I'm like, oh my God.

My dick is so fucking small right now. This is, make mental note. Did you tell her it was because of the pain pills? Oh, I was making it. I was like Jerry Seinfeld. With the cold water? Yeah, with the cold water. That's what I was thinking.

I was like, put water. Chinese food. She's like, sure, honey. Oh, my God. My dick was none fucking existed. Anyway, tell me a little bit about yourself. Well, what have you been up to? I don't know if I have any pearls of wisdom medical advice like Uncle Joey over here.

How do you, how are you Italian as, like, in shape as you are? Like, I don't know, I don't get it. He would, like, with everything he was talking about. Because she's not one of those chubby Italian woman that looks at the Monte Gart and says, I shouldn't. And then does. Those are the chubby ones. The ones that look at it for a minute.

And they wait for everybody's, I shouldn't. And then everybody has to say something. Oh, go ahead, girl, you look good. You're looking fine, a motherfucker. Even though she's down the, last time you've seen it, she had one neck, now she's got three. And you're egging her on. Get the egg.

And you might as well put that other fat finger in the canoli, too, while you're at it. Take two of them. You're looking thin. I eat pasta every day. Really? I swear to God, almost every day. Do Italian?

Like, I have to. It's like, but I do it. portion control like Uncle Joey It's just a small What do you mean? You just say portion control Like it's something that is easy to understand Well listen

Because I see the videos you made Like all the like you Like you can cook right Yeah I cook all the time And you just eat a little bit I never understand that I'm a picker I like to eat throughout the whole day

God damn But I gotta keep my girlish figure You know You look fantastic Thank you The last year or so, I don't know if it was LA, I don't know if that you're happy

because you're making your own moves. Finally. It's funny when you realize that you have to make your own moves. Yeah. Like you feel like such a fucking jerk off for years. You're like, what the fuck have I been thinking?

Like, I still remember getting the breakdowns. Oh, I still get them. You get them too? It's hard. Yeah, this industry will eat you from the inside out. This is the part where it's almost the hardest, Joe, I think because it's not the beginning where I'm this idealistic,

oh, I'm starting, it's fun, there's no skin in the game, and I haven't hit, you know, so it's like I'm in the middle where it's like, it's hard. It's hard. Guess what? It's hard in the beginning.

Yeah. It's hard in the middle, and it's hard on the other end that fucking middle. You're going to always keep fucking hustling. I realize that now. And on everything that I still cannot believe, out of the 34 years I've been doing this,

I really am blown away. Yes, we get better. We're all like fine wine. If you get on stage six nights a week and you really put your heart in it, you go home and write and cry and sacrifice this and I'm not doing this, I got to do this, you know, shit will happen for you.

It's not at the speed you want it to. Always remember that. I think I'm okay with it now that I'm doing it myself, that I've taken control. Because it's like, I feel like I'm not sitting back waiting for anything to happen. Not that I ever was,

you know me, you would call me, I'd be like, I'm doing a restaurant tonight on a Wednesday, you would call me and you were like, you're just doing it to get up. I would do anything to get up. That's it. But now I feel like I've gotten, gain more control of,

and listen, like I said to you before we were filming, nobody's going to record it for me than me. So right now, I feel like I've gained some control. And listen, that's what every woman wants, right? Control. And I was thinking of because when Joey told me that you were going to be the guest, because we met, it was like a couple years ago. And we were doing shows with Josh. And you were telling me like how you were, because I was way earlier than you.

And you're like, well, I was doing well. And then it was hard for a minute. And you asked someone for help. And you're like that, like to me, you said like that was a turning point for you. Game change. And rich for us. Since then and now, like you're way even ahead than you were when we first met. Yeah.

which was a hard thing for me. Even when I first met Joey, he's like an empty, closed mouth, don't get fed. But I'm not one to be like, oh, can you help me? Can you help me?

I never wanted to ask anybody for anything. But there were just a few people, and I still don't. It's still something I struggle with today. But I know my people now, and I know who to ask. And the first person I ever asked for anything was Rich Voss.

But that's because you always extended himself. Rich is the kind of guy. I love to say this. He's the kind of guy who's nice behind your back and mean to your face. That's how his wife described him once to me. Because she said, oh, Rich speaks so glowingly of you. I said, to who?

Not to me. This guy has insulted me from day one. But he was really in your corner. And so I felt safe enough to ask him for something. And asking him for one thing, literally changed the course of my life. Because it was during the pandemic. It was when I couldn't get shows. And he just created an opportunity for me.

And from that one opportunity, I shit you not everything. I just got one thing from the next to the next. And it's, you know, you gotta know who your people are, though. You know, Tara, it's so weird that you talk about people helping you. Because I'll do anything for anybody. I've been there on that other side of the coin. So I know what that feel is.

I know what you feel in your heart, what you're fucking, Jesus Christ, what is this going to happen for me? You know, when can I get an agent? Remember that struggle? When we're going to get an agent? Like, how am I going to get an agent? You meet with these agents and they're like, oh, you need a reel.

How am I going to get a reel? I got no fucking agent. Yeah. And then you got to just submit to fucking college movies. And for like six months, I was just doing college movies after the comedy store. After the comedy store, too. I would drive to, like, Los Felis,

and there'd be a bunch of Chinese people outside, fucking tape in a movie, a student team. No, yeah. You think I'm fucking kidding. And you just learned, and you just kept learning. And I couldn't use not one of those fucking reels. Listen, not one of those fucking reels could I use.

They were worse than the other one. And you're like, how am I going to, and then when they're an acting class, some kid who doesn't have a zero credit is like McKenzie, Schultz, and Bobonia. And they're not bad. And you're like, really? How did you get with them? The guy is a fan of music. You want me to give you his package?

And you're like, fuck yeah. And you give him the package, and the guy calls you three days later. Yeah. And says, come on in. I want to talk to you. I don't have somebody like you. But that's after like two years of doing it. Yeah.

Okay? And then you got my buddy Ricky Cruz. Got to L.A. Asked me what he should do. And I said, Ricky, you're so good-looking. And you're so young. Just walk into these agencies and give him a package. You got to walk in.

Yeah. Yeah, but my friend in LA, da, da, do you walk in. He walked into the comedy place. Nobody said a word. Then he walked into three yards. Three yards.

His second walking, before he hit the door, the girl chased him. She said, hold on. They're going to want to see a guy like you. You're Spanish? Yeah. She wanted to suck his dick like everybody else. but he signed with three arms.

Not because he sent the package, because he went down there. You never know what the combination is for you. Now they won't let you go down there. Now it's like, what are you doing here? Because you're trying to sell yourself. My full out, when I got to LA, somebody came to me and said, Joey,

I'm a casting director, correct? What's my job? The cast movie. The cast a fucking movie. Hey, and to cast. The best person for that role. You're not going to always call me. Can't call me every week when I do a fucking movie.

But something's going to come up. You're going to know the girl in my office. She's going to send you scripts. And there's one thing you're going to look at. I go, Joey, I want this. I'm going to read you. I'm going to give me the role. But it's really weird.

You have to give me half of what you do. It's just not going to happen for people. I always put my own auditions on tape. That's fucking ballsy. So I would go to that fucking 7-11 Wednesday at 5 o'clock on Curzon. It's still there. You know where Curzon and Sunset Strip?

Okay. Where it all goes down. Okay. That's where the action is down there. That's it. By the guitar center. Okay. You don't know what that is?

No. It's like on a hill, right? That 7-Eleven. Do we stop at it a few times? It's sort of like... Fuck yeah. Remember the old days that was Stanhope was on Curse.

on Nick DePaulo and Mitch Headberg were on Sierra Bonita. Ralphie Mae was on Gardner and me and Josh Wolf were on Vista. That little park used to. We used to play tennis in the afternoons at Gorky Park, the Russian Park. Yeah, yeah. We used to buy nickel bags down there. That's the name. Nick was the first guy, one of the first guys that I opened for.

Nick. Yeah. Yeah, that was the neighborhood and those restaurants there. They have like the Thai place. We have to take your shoes off. I don't go in there. I don't go anywhere where I got to smell white people's feet because they're filthy fucking animals.

Even though I got a fungi toenail, I'm not going to try to eat the coconut shrimp. Well, I got to smell your fucking feet. That's smell like, oh yeah, we just came from Runyon Canyon. Well, go wash your fucking feet, you dirty bitch. Plus you got sperm on your toenail. What other fuck you got out of there? But what else they got there?

They got that one place on the corner. That used to be a really good fucking neighbor, man. But that's 7-Eleven. I'd get the fucking paper, the entertainment, and I'd see movies in pre-production. Anything in New York? I'd call my buddy at ICM, and I'd go, get me the script for this movie.

He would email them to me, and I would go through the script to finish. If there was anybody they needed from New York, I circled it down to two rolls, a big one that I wanted, and a small one that I wanted. So I try to get the small one first. And if they make contact back with me and say put it back on tape,

we like you for this, then I'd send the big one. And that's how I booked the longest yard. Is it? Yeah. Would you like one of those backstage magazines? No, I knew the longest yard was coming out, and they wouldn't see me. They had already big pussy or Tony Saragusa in mind. And I just thought of that because I was watching the sopranos on HBO.

It was on late, and there was the only episode, or Goosa ever did. It was the episode that I was supposed to do. While I was shooting Spider-Man 2, I got an email to shoot three days on the Sopranos as Pussy's brother. Oh, shit. Dog, this is, you didn't know this yet?

No. So I'm shooting Spider-Man 2 like a motherfucker. I'm not shooting a thing. I'm there smoking dope, walking around drinking pomegranate juice like fucking, like Johnny Bastich, because pomegranate juice was heavy duty those days. It was like nine bucks with a little container and shit.

You either had a shoplifted or you just didn't drink it. They had it by the half a gallon. I would get there in the morning just to get there early and I put the half gallon in my bag and go right to my dressing room and sit there all day. To think of all the things Joey would cough, it's pomegranate juice. Oh, I love pomegranate juice. I love it.

She's got too much sugar in it now. So I was in the middle of shooting Spider-Man 2 and I get a call fucking because after I audition for the Spranos early, she told me to send her a tape anytime I booked anything Italian and I forget what I booked

and I sent her a tape and I didn't hear from her for like three months and that's when I heard from him from Georgine. That's how I heard from her. She goes, I want you to read for this role you basically got it. The long shot?

No, the fucking Sopranos. She was to put it on tape. It's yours to lose. That was the expression they used. It's yours to lose. I'm shooting Spider-Man 2. I'm on the fucking set of Spider-Man 2, and she can't get my sides to me

because you couldn't email them in those days. They weren't that technical. You had to fax them. Jesus. So you had to be home. It was 2001, and that was poor. You had to be home to switch the fucking thing on the faxed the phone, right?

You don't remember that. You're too young. You're too young. I remember facts. You had to sit at home and wait for the call to come to. through, whee-thee,

and they had to switch it, so nobody was home. So I told them to send it to the comedy store. And I said, I shoot till 11.30. In those days, I wasn't even shooting, but I just hid because they would give me overtime, like a motherfucker, and I wasn't going home to the pomegranate juice was finished.

You know what I'm saying? I ate everything I could that day. I was out of weed. Wait, they gave you overtime and you weren't even shooting? that's badass. And I would leave my dressing room if I knew an actor went home I would go on his dressing room and watch TV

and then when I was ready to go home like if I had an 11 o'clock spot about 10.15 you'd see me lurking and I'd see like two of the girls going Joey where you've been? We've been looking for you for an hour, you're cut. Come on how come nobody told me I was in my room we went to your room 10 times

and then I would go right to the director Sam Ramey and I go, Sam, why am I going home? What happened? Joe, you've been here from 7 o'clock in the morning. Enough is enough already. I would just show up, like, what time are you going to be here tomorrow? The set gets here at 6.30. That means my call seven.

I always show up, coked up for the night before just to get like a fresh breakfast, like juice and fresh fruit and shit. Breakfast is definitely the most important part of the meal. We've learned this when we have this. You have no idea. So now I go back to the comedy store, and I get to the comedy store, Eleanor says to me,

Joey, your sides are in the manager's office. Yours and Domarer's. You're both auditioning for the Sopranos. And somewhere or another got to somebody on the Sopranos that me and Dom were auditioning. And that motherfucker took up on himself to go to one of the producers and say, you know Joey Dears?

And in those days, that's lack of confidentiality agreement. You weren't supposed to say anything. So I got a call Friday at 2 in the fucking morning. I just got home from the comedy store. I just got home. Put the TV on. I'm talking to Terry.

I'm betting the catch. And my fucking page goes off with that number. And I'm like, what the fuck? And she goes, Joey, what the fuck did you say anything for? I didn't say anything to nobody. I got the side sent to the comedy. And I know what happened. And that was it.

Dude, that's crazy. Just because I've heard that part of that story. But, like, you guys were just talking about how hard it is to make up, make it. Every comic's been through it. To have another comic be an asshole. Yeah, somebody sabbatized, you know who sabotaged you or no? Yeah, till this day. That's, but it was, listen, guys, how many times you book a row?

Do you know, how many times I go for an audition for a whole week all the way down on a lot? County, all the way down there. When they used to shoot that stupid show down there, they have four shows, ABC, David, whatever. He's married to Michelle Pfeiffer, I think. He has studios in Orange County. They shoot high-level shit down there.

They shoot down there for people like they lived in Malibu and shit. The only good thing is they have one of those bagel places on the corner. I booked cold case down there. I booked a bunch of shows down there. Yo, Uncle Joey here here, listen, I'm excited for this weekend, Jack,

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void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire seven days after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.com slash audio. What was I getting at? What would be talking about that place down there? Yeah, when I said, you know who sabotaged you? You said, yeah, even when I went to Orange County.

you'd go down there all week. You'd go down there all week. You'd start on a Tuesday. There's 16 people in the room for your role. You read. You go home. And all of a sudden you've got to call from your agent. You've got to go back down there on Wednesday.

Same place. You go back there. There's eight people in the room now. And they're all like you, right? They're all like us. And then that night you go home, but you don't hear that at 7, so you're like, I didn't get it.

But about 9, 30, 10, they call you again. They go, come on down again tomorrow morning, same place. You're going to meet with the producers, and you're also going to do a screen test. And then you go down there again, do all that shit, and it's always at fucking four, so you get stuck from traffic on the way back. Okay, you know, get home to 8 o'clock,

though I better get something on this. My fuck, ha! I used to get fucking pissed off. When you have to go from the 10 to the 405, I don't wish to anybody. I don't wish on anybody. I know. Anybody.

And, dog, you're all fucking fired up. And all of a sudden Thursday, you don't hear nothing. And you're fucking a gentleman, so you don't want to call your agent and go, what the fuck's going on? Because they had me down there three days in a row. What's going on?

And then Friday morning, you were in the shower, and you missed the call, and it's your agent. and they leave a message to call you back. Then you're like, oh shit, I booked it. And you pick up the phone and they go, hey, we just want to call you. We went with a black guy instead. Wait a second.

I've been in the room with nothing but fucking garlicy Italians all week. And you're going to tell me now, after $90, that fucking, they went with a fucking black guy. That happens to you too. Yeah. So you have no idea the shit you get. You have no idea the stories you'll get. And that was when you had to really drive down a lot.

Now everything's online for the most part so you get to the ends. Yeah, you got to do it at home. Yeah, you got to self-tape. Yeah, you got to self-tape. And I'm 0-92. I booked one thing on tape on my own in Jersey. It was an Apple show. It was a good show.

But I haven't booked a fucking thing. I don't know if my wife's a kiss of death. I don't know I'm the fucking kiss of death. And here's the thing. Right now, listen, I'm a semi-active comic, right? But I'm looking at the comedy world today and perspective to my world at this level

that you and Lee and everybody else is at right now. It's fucking rough, guys. It's rough. And listen, it's rough at any level. What you guys are doing, I was doing triple runs, you know? That means you do the gig and you got to get in the car and drive,

eight hours to the next gig. You gotta do radio for two hours. Then you go to your room and you sleep for three hours. Then you gotta fucking go back and do radio and then go do the show. And on the way that, I tell you, you can't say fuck or Indian.

You know, why Indian? Because we just don't say Indian here. You know, so you gotta, you know, ha ha. You know, it's always something. And, you know, I just want you and everybody, like, I'm really proud of you. Thank you.

That you're shooting this fucking special, you know? You funded it? Well, I got an, offer. Okay, there you go. They made you an offer you couldn't refuse. I mean, I just want to. You know where I'm at with it where it's like I just want to puke the out. I'm done with it. I'm already done with it. So it's like I'm the hour myself. Like it's like you're ready. I'm ready. So it was whether I did it myself in October, which is, which is I planned to do it myself this year. I came off the road with Josh and I spoke to him and he's like just film it yourself, you know, film your hour.

And then I literally got that week and got an offer for somebody else to do it. And I was like, like all right and I get in advance so I was like okay this you know makes sense just you know man it's uh I like the bullet the gun to my head too in the sense that like I would have done it but I would have not that I would have sat on my ass with it but it's nice when somebody's like no this is the date this is the place this is what you got to do so it removes that part of the thinking for me when you know I just want to write jokes and tell jokes I don't want to do all this other stuff so when you have somebody else to come in and kind of like Oh, okay.

And it's cool for me with Tara. Because like, I don't mean this in a bad way, but like, because Joe, you give me like a ton of advice and it's great and I appreciate it. And you've been doing it for 30 years. But like with terror, like I said it earlier, like I've seen you go from one play and I see you doing the end.

And it's like when you, when you were coming up, Joey, there wasn't like social media. Like there was that. So when we met there was, but that was just coming out. And it's like, I see a path. I want to say so. Yeah.

It's not only fucking social media, guys. No, I know. It's that, listen, you could be the funniest motherfucker to that. Funniest motherfucker. You're a little edgy. Maybe sometimes you have a cocktail, and you tell the bitch to suck your dick. But for the most part, everybody's scared to follow you.

Everybody's talking shit about you. And you don't have a manager. You know, you don't have... So what happens? You don't get into 50% of things. Just because you're not walking in there, I know now to get into a club, somebody's got a call down there.

When I got into the comedy store, I called myself. Who are I going to talk to? Scott Day? Okay. I called Scott Day. Joey Diaz. Listen, Scott, I know, I know. You want to showcase. A couple guys told me about you already.

We'll put your name on the list. And we'll okay it. And then in about six to eight months, we'll call you back. and they hang up the phone. And you're like, what the fuck do I do for six to eight fucking months? And through the grace of God,

Doug Stanhope called on a Friday and they asked Doug, is your buddy available? And he goes, yeah, call him up. He's at my house right now. And Scott Day called my house, and he goes, you got a showcase on Sunday. You know, two weeks after that.

What did that consist of the showcase? You had like a 10, what was the time frame? Three. Three. Yeah, that's what they give still. Yeah. Three minutes. So remember, I got out of the car.

This is what I tell people. Ready? I didn't have no parents. Fucking, I had no family. I had George. I dropped out of high school, fucking went to prison. Okay, I fucked up. But this is a story that nobody believes.

I got to LA, January 27th. and I was a regular at the world famous comedy store on February 19th. Your birthday? On my birthday. Oh, shit. On my birthday. I wasn't even in LA a month.

Ari had a showcase how many times? 18 or something, him and Simone too. Who? Ari Shapir. He talks about it. Like he had like a, like the time before, he had like a breakdown in the main room and like through chairs or something.

He talked about it a lot on this podcast. I can't, dude, I can't imagine. A month. a month. I don't even tell this to people because they go, Joey, don't repeat that. Rogan wasn't understudy.

You guys know that. That Rogan was an unpaid regular and they made him follow Richard Pryor when he got there. Well, that is crazy. The part about that that's nice for like me because I'm unpaid regular who had a follow,

you're not getting paid. You got to follow Richard Pryor at midnight. That means you go on at 10 to 1. 1 o'clock. As everyone's leaving. As everybody's leaving after Richard leaves, and the whole audience, they would throw Rogan up there. Okay, these guys, you don't see...

But that's what makes you strong. That's what... That's what makes you strong. That's what makes you strong. Again, I got to the... Not happy people. I got to the comedy store on a Monday night. I got to L.A. on a Monday night.

I washed my pussy. I got there in the trailer. Me and my stripper girlfriend lived in the trailer. We drove all the way from Seattle, where, by the way, in San Francisco, the frame broke. Oh. Yeah, you have no idea. That was another week, but I showcased every night in San Francisco.

I got into like three clubs because the truck broke down. Never did none of the clubs. I was too busy, right? Went back, got to L.A. on a Monday, ate at Alcapulco restaurant. You don't know what that is. They're out of business. And then went to the store. And while I was there.

I think it was the piano player for the Stephanie Mills show was from Seattle and he'd go to Seattle me and Josh would open for him and there was maybe eight people in the audience and Eddie Griffin was on stage

and Don Barris was hosting and they were looking for somebody to go up and James Stevens the third goes God give my little brother Joey Diaz the shot and I went up there, they're a bag of dix in front of four people there was four fucking people

and they told me when I got off stage to go home, go to sleep, and get up and go to the Laugh Factory on Tuesday morning. So I went to the Laugh Factory and I stood online. I got there at 6 in the morning, you wait till 6 at night and they give you a number. Please, don't fucking come to me

with no Chinese fucking stories. Yeah, no, I know. Don't come to me with no point out of the day. And here's the even, what, the Laugh factory told me to go fuck myself. He was like, now, get the fuck out of here. you're a fucking Vegas act. That's what he told me.

But fuck him. Latino night was Monday, and I was friends with Gabriel, the other Gabriel, and fucking he booked the room. And he was never there, Jamie, and it was the busiest night of the week. So I would get to go up every Monday at 925

and for the 300 fucking people with people coming off the raft is what? I was doing triple doubles back in the day. Triple doubles is when you do the improv, the laugh factory, and the comedy. on a Monday night, because those were the biggest nights who was Freaky Monday at the Improv. So the first five acts were white,

and then they just turned off the lights. Then they got dark up in that motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? But it was everybody. You know, what was the crazy guy from Friday? He was there every Monday. T.K. Kirkland, Guy Torrey, who I just sent the video for his fucking son-in-law. It was packed on Monday nights.

Eddie Murphy, all those rappers would go down. It was insane. Biggest bag of dicks I ever ate was on a Monday night. At the improv? Oh yeah, I could hear fucking the silverware and I just walked off the stage

and didn't go down there for like a year. I was like, I ain't messing down there. They did not play on Monday nights. So I went through all that. Like I, you know, but three weeks to be a regular at the Comedy School. I mean, listen. Oh, my God.

I was like. But you need, you got to get to. get your wins. That's a huge win, right? But like, you can't have all losses, right? And that's what it is. And we talked about this. The first time I ever did one of your podcasts, it's like, you can get 30 bad show, 30 losses. You get one win and you're like, all right, I'm back. And what other career are you taking all those hits? And now you're like, I'm fucking back. And you, listen, nobody's going to argue and say you had an easy life before that. So this is a, you know, you want that win. People are ruined for Joey Diaz to get that win. Yeah. What people on this

It's like when I take a young comic with me on the road or something, and I go, come here for a second, I pay him double. I pay him double. Yeah. And in my heart, I'd rather not go home without anything and make that person's night. Because I remember there was a lot of people who fucked me who said, I'm going to give you 50 bucks, they put 35 in.

You pay ridiculous. And there was a lot of them. But you're so green and you just want to work again that you're naive. It's like getting molested. You just put it behind it. It's like, you know. No. You just put it behind you.

You can say no. You make people feel the way comic should feel. I've been a recipient of a, on a Joey Diaz's payday show, and I'm like, almost uncomfortable. And you're like, I know. That's the way it is. Yeah, yeah. Because I want you to know that no matter what happens in the world, you're going to catch a breather from time to time. It may not be that guy.

It may not be that, but it might be that person. Or it might be a producer saying, hey, you busy. next Wednesday. I need to grow just like you for one day. It's not a huge role. You're doing one scene with Anne Hathaway and you're like, and they're like, yeah, I could only get you like $1,800 for the day. I hope that's enough. And you're like, how about $18? You shoot in the city. That means it's going to be great catering. Anne Hathaway. Hamaughey. Hamaughey juice. Yeah, Anne Hathaway don't do shit unless it's high level. Nothing. You know, even your underwear, 80 bucks. Anne Hathaway needs to look good, and so do you know what I'm saying?

You know how many times on a Tuesday night, we're sitting there broke? Yeah. I do. I'm going to stay home on a Tuesday and then go, fuck this. I'm going to go to the comedy store and get down there and also know like, Joey, you're here. Well, I don't have a spot tonight. What are you do tonight? Four people canceled.

And you're like, four people can't. Like, go up there at 10 o'clock. You just made $15. I was never so happy to make $15. It's a Tuesday at the comedy store with $15 by 10 o'clock, shit. Bring those bitches on. Where's Rick James with my freaks?

I'm a granite juice for everybody. $15. And you know what? I got another three. I'll stick this out for another three. It's like when they go to kill Morty, and the Wings and Goodfellers when they go to kill Morty

and he goes, that thing, don't worry about it, man. Oh, that broke my heart. Yeah, it breaks my heart too, but the point is, you're like, you know what, I was thinking about packing my bags, my mother's got one from the grave, one of the banana peel.

You know what, I'm not doing much out of here. And all of a sudden, you got a great spot, and you're like, looks like my mother's dying without me at the bedside. That's like, like I know you're like sounded like you're embarrassed about getting this

I don't think you're embarrassed about it No but like for someone like me who right now is like struggling Like I feel like I'm having good sets And I don't expect to be in this Even in the top two levels of clubs But like you know the smaller New York clubs I think I should be in And they don't they won't call you back

But it's like if if you'd gotten in at the improv Or the laugh factory That wasn't the right club for you You got in at like the perfect club for you And the same with you Listen, I'm going to tell you right now, I've had managers, Lee, tell me floor managers of clubs where we come over to me. I'd be doing killing in New York or whatever. I hate even say killing.

But you know, you know when you're doing well. And they go, hey, this club record you. And when they record you and they send it back to them and tell them they don't book you. And there was a moment where I was like, it doesn't make a difference what I do. I'm not getting booked. Like I'm getting these produced shows or I'm getting, I'm finding my way in, but nobody's booking me. And so the point where I fought it so much, they go, this is it, this isn't my path.

This club, this booker, this scene, this city is not for me. I'm not going to sit home, which I was for a while, sitting there feeling bad for myself. I'm going to go find where they're going to book me. Right. And creating your own opportunity. I was producing my own shows. I was getting guys like Bobby Kelly and Rich Voss.

And I was getting these guys come and doing my shows because I was paying money. I was paying more than anybody else because I knew how to get people. I knew how to treat people. I was giving people dinner. And then I was getting, I had to create my own opportunity.

Like, also I had to stop fighting it. Like, if I'm not going to get booked here, then I got to go where I'm going to get booked. Like, I couldn't fight it forever. For me, anyway. Define struggle, Lee. What do you mean? You just mentioned before, I'm not mad at you.

No, no, no, I know you're not. I just want you to tell me define struck. And the thing is that I'm I'm further ahead than a lot of people at my level, but it's, you know, when I moved here almost a year ago, my goal was to like be getting a spot in night in my head. I was like, if I could get four to five spots tonight at any club, four to five spots a week, sorry, at any like actual club, not just a bar, I would, like, that's, and like, I've auditioned at places and they've got, like, I've gotten good feedback, I've gotten spots, but then like

someone else is so it's just, the struggle that I'm having right now is getting like terrorists saying, like at the, at actual clubs getting consistently booked is, is been harder than I thought it was going to be. There's a lot of comedians out there.

I'm not, listen, I'm not making excuses for anybody, but I'll tell you what's going on. Right now, if you want to do anything, you've got to go to social media. If you really think it's social media, and when you go to social media and go, how can I make my social media different? That's what I'm struck.

What can I make my social media about that I'm doing something different than anybody else? You know, I go on social media and this is what I see. I see people doing stand-up. I see some guys swinging kettlebells, right? A ton of people swinging kettlebells,

a ton of people doing stand-up and a ton of people doing jiu-jitsu and a ton of vital. for sale. That's my... That's my... Algorithm. Whatever the fuck. And cats. And sometimes cats. Siamese lover. I know.

I'm part of the Siamese community. And it's weird what I see and I'll check with these comedians to see what they're doing. And it's all... Listen, if I wake up in the morning, like, I can't tell you how aggravated I was on the 4th of July.

And I'll tell you afterward at a particular club because there's reasons why I don't work in a club and people who ask me, and I never tell them the truth, like it's too far, but this could be one thing. And this was the one thing why. And I felt like email on the own and going,

you're such a fucking mutt. Okay, that's what I am. I'm a social media repairer because you're just looking like a mutt. And if I'm on that schedule, you're making me look bad. That means I'm begging on the 4th of July. The only thing that should be coming out of your fucking thing

on the 4th of July is, hey, we're open for lunch and we're serving an American special, right? Or we are closed today and due to respect to the soldiers who are falling for our freedom. It's that simple. We'll reopen next Tuesday, call us then. This motherfucker, was every time I looked at Instagram, he had a new comic up.

He's pushing September and October and August and I'm like, this guy can't even sell it next weekend, but he's, you know, and I feel like calling the guy and going, you're a bum, you're a fucking molt, you know what I'm saying? Like, what the fuck are you doing? There are people who are just disasters. They have no cult in life. and that carries over to their social media.

It's the Fourth of July. Don't say a fucking word. Unless it's a picture of you or your pussy with an army hat on and there's an old guy dying of a heart attack with a tongue condom on or whatever the fuck you call those things, that's it. With a date,

that's all that's going to sound on the Fourth of July. Nothing else. Happy Fourth of July. Oh, don't even say that. You always see you when people are reaching. I can always tell when this motherfucker, He's been sitting there for two hours thinking about what he could tweet.

Like today, a famous... My heart's... And I know this guy. Personally, he's a fucking junkie. Yeah. If this guy isn't shooting heroin on or eating ping pong tables or whatever, he ain't on to it.

Ping pong tables. Whatever. They do ping pong pills. I don't know. What do the fuck they do? Today, my hearts and prayers with the people from Texas. Stop. I know you.

I know you. You don't even go to Texas. Come on, man. Don't even go to Texas. Come on. Like, come on. You should comment that just stop, all caps. No, like, stop.

Yeah. Like, I look at that shit and go, stop. Don't even put nothing. You know, I hate when somebody dies and all of a sudden, everybody's got a picture with the dude. I know. Like, Jesus Christ, is anything sacred? The dude just died an hour ago, and there you are.

Here's me and him at a bowling tournament. He's fucking Poughkeepsie. Listen, nobody cares, all right? The guy's dead. He can't do nothing for you. What are he putting a picture up anyway? He's dead. What the fuck is wrong with people?

Watch, just wait for somebody to die. Go on Instagram the next day. Everybody's got a picture. Oh, everybody's that day, yeah. Oh, my God. It's like, come on. the few close people do it to commemorate the others do it to brag if it's somebody famous that's how i look at it you know i don't know that's how i always viewed it like they just want to show that they

yeah yeah but it's not like they're out like their house for a barbecue it's like they caught in line of the starbucks yeah yeah yeah person has no idea who they yeah so and so of briefly listen if you're a fucking person who comes to comedy shows and you're part of the church family and you want to come take a picture, let's do it. Nothing bothers me more than I walk into a comedy show and a comic wants to take a picture. I want to stab him the fucking neck. Because guess what?

I'm getting a picture today. Oh yeah, you can go over there. Because guess what? You're going to put that picture on Facebook. But come here, let me tell you something. You still suck. That picture is not going to do anything for you. It's not going to do anything.

You can put all the pictures up, or you and Chappelle smoking a seat. You know. It's true. If you don't have it, you don't have it. So I'd rather you go on a fucking, I don't know. I looked at things, I'm a fucking, listen. I'm a closet communist.

Like my, like for me, I'm a personal, I'm not like that fucking hump in New York, bodegas, the state run. Now, fuck that shit. I'm a communist on me. Like, I'm a communist on my thinking and my ways. Like, this is how I'm sticking to this. and this is how I'm fucking doing this.

But you just start doing this shit and you're like, you have to... Remember when I first got together with you, Lee? I'm thinking about this today. When I first got together with you, how fucking off were my fucking tweets in the morning? Oh, my God.

If you go into my tweets now, you'll find some fucking shit that will blow you away. If you think I'm going to go on there to race them, I don't give a fuck. I remember two of them specifically. You remember two of them? That they would throw me under the jail now,

about sucking the blue ink. What's the ink? What's the ink pasta? Squid ink? What's the squid ink out of Michelle Obama's pussy? Don't throw me under the fucking train now. I don't give a fuck. I said it.

And that's how I meant. That bitch got good pussy. Everybody thinks she's a half a fag. Not in my world. She's got, she's packing heat under there. She's got that Mugumbo pussy from Africa. That shit comes. That shit comes to Totones and shit.

It makes no difference. I like how you're thinking like, oh, when we got together, you sometimes, you were sending these tweets out up until like... But my point is, recently. That in my mind, my philosophy was looking. Even if I was a plumber, licensed business, kids, church going,

my ads would still be off color on there in the morning. Get your pipe sucked. Every day, I would be off color. I stuck a pipe in your ass. Listen, every, I get a guy who just specialized in pipe jokes. That's all he did. Listen, I need 10 pipe jokes this week. Because guess what?

You're going to think that I'm awkward, but when you get in a pinch, you're going to think of the pipe guy. Yeah. So when I did my comedy on social media, I did it not to be like everybody else. I went for the juggler, but I also gave you something first. I gave you a joke, and I also told you, it's Tuesday, motherfucker. And whatever you think, like, it's going to change.

No, it isn't. That's bullshit. You got to get up, watch that pussy, go on the mirror and say, how many more days I keep taking it in the ass? And people would hit me back and, oh, my God, I looked at it with my grandmother. They changed my life.

I just bought two tickets for your show. Boom. Because I made you give me a reaction. Right. It's all about a reaction. Fighting. When we box, it's about me getting you off balance. Boxing is off balance.

that's it everything is all bound jujitsu i want to take that leg I'm putting the weight on that leg so this is what you do instead of using it for that shit I thought about comedy and social media and how give them something

and then like you can't give them dates every fucking day you cannot give me dates every fucking day because then I don't want to look at your shit no more because I know there's going to be a date in there I want you to give me a something without a date. I don't care if it's you cut your toenails. I really don't. So those videos still go viral. Those videos, it's Tuesday. I see them to the day.

Videos of you. People still reposts all of those videos like constantly. The morning, the morning. Oh, no, no, no. It's insane. But I will say this as the best advice I ever got in common and I say this to Lee because it came from Joey and Josh and Colin Quinn. The three people that leaned into me the most with this. Joey, you probably remember, you remember saying these things to me. One thing you said is when I was like feeling down and I'm like, I'm selling, but I'm not. You were like, listen, there's a lot of funny comedians not selling tickets. What makes you different? I have this written on my phone what you said to me.

You said your audience has to, they have to spend money. They have to get a babysitter some of them. They got to leave their house. Nobody wants to leave their fucking house no more. They got to come see you. Why are they coming to see you? What are you giving them? And then I think that Hock to a good.

girl got real famous for being specific and she was showcasing herself you called me like 11 o'clock a night you said listen to me see this girl she's showing herself you got to tell people who the fuck you are yeah you said whoever took over her social media fucking it was a corporation of fucking you made me look at it you look at it and he said you got to tell people who you are so i started coffee talk anything he said i did it right i go fuck it i'm listening it's joey telling me same with joshua and colin kwin They gave me the same advice as Joey's saying right now on this podcast. Josh and Colin both said to me, the more specific you are, this was the best thing I ever heard, because I didn't believe it.

I thought the opposite. The more specific you are, the more universal you're going to be. What makes you different? And I got popular because I, by accident, because I got online, I got nostalgic one day and said, these are words of phrases I heard growing up on my New Year. York Italian neighbor. And I said, Mamma del, school of boss, Sunad, Bacagalup. It was so stupid the video to me and my mind. I posted it.

I go, let me take that video down. It was so dumb. The minute I went to go take it down, hundreds of thousand views, people were buying tickets to shows. People were coming to shows going, oh my God, I can't believe you did jokes. I said, what did you think you were coming to see? They said, oh, we thought you were going to do the words. I said, you will come, you bought tickets, spent money to do words you already know. But guess what? They were relating to me. It was something different.

I reminded them I'm home. I remind them of people. That's what made me different. But at the time, I go, oh my God, I had like this ego. Like I was too good of a comic to just do these videos. I try to take myself too seriously. Really what I did was just stand out and be really, really specific the way he was like, I'm going to give you something.

I was giving them something. And I didn't realize what I was even given them. See, that's like the struggle that I'm having is I don't. know what I have to give them that's like unique I look at social media I'm like I okay this is an idea I look oh 18,000 people are doing it what's going to work for this person's not gonna work for I throw shit at the wall to see with six joe he called me one stop interviewing people on the street I go I don't know Joe I'm trying to do different fucking things exactly he called me what are you doing with these interviews you don't got to interview anybody tell people who you

are but I hated those words and phrases so I started going on the street asking people if they knew the words or phrases he calls me up stop interview with People on the fucking street. Fuck you borrow these people for. Doing love when you get a call from Joey and he's like halfway from yelling at you already. Yeah. But I'm like, you know what?

I take, listen. Joey falls, I listen, right? You're going to listen. He's not saying it. He doesn't, he does not benefit you personally from it. He's like, I want you to do better. This is, he's giving you his experience. So that's what I says.

I throw shit at the wall to see what sticks. I went all the way to L.A. to get booked. Yeah. Good for you. Listen, part of my growth is a comic is giving younger comics growth. Just little things. You can't give somebody.

No matter what I listen. I can call to you and hey tomorrow and go, I'll leave you. You better sign time. Okay, a lot of comics have done that. I've gotten their opening acts or friends signed because of a threat. You should.

They're going to get a special. I'll tell you those names later too. A lot of people have made. You know how long that last? 30 days. They'll keep you You'll be with CA or UTA They'll keep you for 20 years

That don't mean They'll return your call once in a good while Hey, you called Yeah, last March Yeah I was thinking about you I had a role for you in a movie But I couldn't get a hold of you

Yeah, yeah So the last March I mean it's crazy So all that shit That's a pipe drawing For a lot of young comics Because I believed it I was mad at a friend of mine 20 years ago over, he's out of the business now,

because he told me he was going to get me signed with his, there was a really good booking agency out of that small time, that small town in Northern California as you get out of, it's an hour from Ohio. Okay. One of the best booking agencies in the world was in Ohio. And they were mixed in some way with the Eagles. When I first got to LA, if you signed with that comedy division, you were good to go.

And they only had like maybe eight comedians. Maybe Wendy Lieman was one of them. I forget. But, you know, I remember I was trying to, he told me, he goes, I'll get you in with them. You had to sell tickets. They weren't going to sign you to develop you. You know, they could do that for free without no. They could just have whoever's going to bring you.

on the road. So it was just, I don't know, it's, it's different today. You just got to, like, when we started the podcast, Lee, what time did we start at? 6 a.m. Why? Because we wanted to get to them first. We wanted to get to you first. And we were coming at you live then. We didn't really know, but the heart was still there. How much were we making back down a month, Lee? Not much. A hundred bucks? Two hundred. Yeah. I remember the first 6 a.m. Was the first one. I won't get up at 6 a.m.

for fucking less than 2,000 a week. Here we were getting up for $200 a month. You want to come at me again with your bullshit. That's why whenever agents now want to sign you, they want to take a piece of your podcast. You could, but you've got to get up with me for fucking two years at 6 in the morning. Since I don't do a podcast, just come over, rub my feet,

and make me fresh. squeezed orange juice. We'll leave it at that. Because that's exactly what me and Lee did. Two fucking days a week. 545. We saw a chick almost get abducted. Yeah. On fucking whatever in Hollywood. This was real, dog.

You hit a guy with your car door. Yeah, I hit a guy with my car door. I wasn't fucking around. This was real. Nobody was making money. This was something. He believed it and I believed it. And that's why we're here. How many years later? There'll be 14. Yeah. How many people started the podcast 10 years ago.

I'm going to go in there and make a ton of money. Six months. Yeah, we quit, man. There's no money in it. Oh, you didn't get up at six in the morning for a fucking year. And smoke dope like motherfuckers at six in the morning. I mean, we weren't just doing a bang-knit, Nick, Nick. We were lighting that fucking apartment on fire. We were walking out of there ready to die.

I would leave that eight in the morning, like, how am I going to do this the rest of the day? I remember getting in my car and going, I am fucked up. What year was this? We started at 2011. I was still working. And I knew we, you wanted to get at people first.

The idea was to do it at six in the morning. But we also started at six in the morning because I was working from 7 p.m. to 5 a.m. on TV shows. So I'd go from there to Joey's house. And then I would get so fucked up that I was going to jack in the box at 8 in the morning ordering $30 worth of dinner. Everyone else said,

getting a coffee and an egg sandwich. I have four burgers. I was getting fucked up. Oh, I would, oh, I'd go home and pass a fuck out. One time a cop hit me. I forgot about that. One time,

we went to a, we had a, the podcast is out at eight in the morning. I was driving home high, scared as fuck. A cop hit me with his side mirror. And it was his fault. And he was like, pull over. It's my, I'm gonna, and I was paranoid as fuck.

And he luckily, nothing happened, but that was Jesus Christ. That was a crazy fucking time. The homeless people would break into offices. Like we, dude, my favorite, you were talking about the tweets that you had. My favorite from that time were every week, no matter what, Lindsay Lohan was going to be there. It was amazing.

Oh, the comedy shows. Yeah, I know. All your comedy shows. Comedy show back then. 8 o'clock, Bray Improb, buy tickets right now. Lindsay Lohan, cocaine, the guitar. marijuana, edibles, and dog. Every show, I get three people calling up to me.

Where's Lindsay Longhan? I would just look him in the face like, you cannot be this fucking stupid. But I got a reaction. That taught me about reactions. And, you know, that was a whole education. That was an all education happening at once. And I didn't even know it.

I was learning how to sell tickets, learning how to put a podcast, together, still doing stand-up, learning how to be a headliner. Yeah. Because listen, I was doing comedy 20 years, and I got the call. And the first week, and I went out the headline, K-Poots. It was funny, but it was comedy store. It was just Buck Wild.

It was 40 minutes of fucking, you know, the original room. Can't do that to people in Columbus, Ohio. No? No. Why? Ali. They're nice people. They go home after the comedy shows.

They put on like Jet Jingle and they watch some guy, I play the guitar on Sundays. No, I went out there like a fucking savage. I could see it in their face. I could see it in their face. The first time I went to Columbus, I didn't tour. I only went on the road with Rogan.

And he wanted you to be a fucking animal. Right. For 15, 20 minutes. And then he would go on. And I could do whatever and say whatever the fuck I want. wanted to say. So I went out headlining like that and I was like, ooh,

they ain't going to like me that much. And then they didn't bring me back for 18 months. And I was like, oh. And I told the guy and he goes, I didn't bring you back because we were close for a year, you fucking idiot. We redid the club. Not because I don't like, he goes, no, you did great. I was like,

oh my God. He goes, you didn't bomb, but you were buck wild. Yeah. I was buck wild. But, like, that's also something crazy because, like, once you start selling tickets, I would imagine not everyone there is, like, someone you actually want there. So, like, you're going Buck Wild. The people who liked you probably fucking loved you. Love you.

Yeah. And then, like, they'll definitely come back. Because you're, like, you're selling tickets, but it's like, you don't want people there who think Lindsay Lohan's going to be there or you're doing Adam Sandler stuff. No, no, no, no. At the end of the day, if you make them show up to that fucking show, you better deliver the fucking goods, okay? And you know me before shows, you know the type of person I am.

If you know anything about me, I give a fuck about that show. I don't give a fuck about the paycheck. I don't give a fuck about nothing. I give a fuck about rocking that world. And in those days, when you first start to sell tickets, that's real pressure.

Because Friday night now, it's not a joke anymore. You're not at Jiko's bar under the basement. They sell bagels. up there. You're at a real fucking facility now. And all eyes aren't watching you but they are watching you.

And you know what? That show, the first show, they see 240, you got 200 in there. You better leave blood on that stage. Yeah, you feel that pressure. Once people started buying tickets for me it was a different weight on my shoulders.

I'm like, you know, you and my ear, like these people paid money, this, it's like, oh my God, they're not coming to see me by accident. I don't got to be funny by chance. I got to be funny because they're coming to see me. They're coming to see you. And they're the same people that want to see you 10 years from now.

We want to see you in that little room. Look at you now. You're opening up Beyonce, you know, whatever the fuck. And you do something cool that like not a lot of comic Joey has one, but like you have a residency too. Is that, what's that like? I did that because that was, again, advice from Josh. Because it was like, he goes, where are you going to get?

You're going to get four hours a month. That's going to be close to 50 hours a year. You know, close to 50 hours a year. Where are you getting that stage time? You're getting that because you got to come back undeniable from that. I don't care where it is. I don't care how many people are going to see you. You still got to get up on stage for four hours a month and do it.

So where is it? I did it in Niagara Falls. Did you? I did it. Yeah, I did it there. And it was great because I did the jokes that I knew I had to work right for the special. and I had 15 minutes after I gave them what they wanted, I felt to work on the new stuff

and to start developing what I think might, you know, my voices now. That helped so much. I mean, there were nights where I was like, I don't want to be in the same place and I want to do these jokes in the same place because then I'm like, I'm doing these jokes sometimes in the same place

and it's like you get in your own head. But he was right. It made me better. There were moments you grow all the time. Joey just said he still, you know, gets moments where he learns. I just learned. So to me it's like...

If I took anybody right now and said, you're not going on the road. Oh yeah, you can't. I'm sorry. Every Wednesday at 8 o'clock, you're going to go up on my stage and do 30 or 45 minutes. You're a professional, you call yourself professional. You better have 10 minutes of new material every fucking Wednesday. and I want to see you blossom it from there.

I'm going to give you 80% of the door every Wednesday. You can still go on the road. Do you have any idea what that does to you? And you start with two a month, and then you go, I just want to do everything. Because I'd rather get 30 people. That's it. For me to get the party started legitimately,

I need 30 people. 30 people, I could write jokes. I could write jokes on the run, on the move, you know, ask questions. You cover all your bases and get, and I agree with you. That's the way to do it. And I had a guaranteed salary in my head. So I said to myself,

I know I got this residency. I know I'm going to make this amount of money. Now I have a little bit more liberty to say yes to things or to travel for things I got to go on my pocket for because I know I'm covering myself. Comedy for me still, I'll say it. There's no ego.

I'm still investing in myself constantly. But now I'm not doing it anymore Where I used to pay to open for people Because I had to pay for my own hotel I had to pay for my meal I had to pay for my travel And I'm making club pay I know

And this was recently Opening for somebody You know so Joe I don't like to hear that So but you know what I looked at it this way I know I'm going to deliver I know the audience I'm going in front of I'm going to pull them

I'm going to make them follow me And let me tell you something This year was my first tour how many people came to tell me they saw me when I first opened up for that person. So I'm like, you know what? I got my money back. You got your money back.

No, it's always, listen. What's that stupid thing? But it's hard. No one, no good deed goes. Yeah, it's true. I'm telling you. It's always something. And it may not be when you want it.

Which I've had to accept. I just want to enjoy it a little bit more. Because now I look at this, I go, this is my life. I'm not young. Like, I want to be able to be able at least pay for my opener. I want to say I could take Lee on the road with me.

I could take Dan Altano on the road with me. And I can hang out with my friends. I'm serious. I don't, being on the fucking road in a new city could be depressing as. It weighs you to fucking. It weighs on you.

If I can spend, I'm not nervous anymore about my shows at night. I can enjoy the day. I used to get nervous. I used to want to stay in the room and work on my set. I don't gonna do that anymore. I want to go get lunch.

I want to be with my friends. I just want to make enough money so I can support my friends and make enough money to get myself to the next. you know, level. Like, that's all that. It's not about making so much money.

It's about, like, I got to start enjoying it. Where's your residency? My ass is old. Where's your next residency? Same place? I'm done now. I finish those shows. I got one more weekend in December

that I promised them. And now I'm in L.A. So there's no residency there, but I'm getting up. All right. So now, you're special. You tape it this? This Saturday, July 12th.

The Triad Theater. 8 o'clock 7 o'clock show doors open 630 Dressed to impress Dressed I mean listen you're going to be on camera I don't know but Dressed to impress Lee's going to be there He's going to be there with Lindsay Lohan Yeah

With pomegranate juice for everybody That's right courtesy of Joey he's going in Old school And I'm excited for it I am Any tickets on sales still? Tickets are on sale there's a few left at Tarajokes.com, but it's going to be a sell-out. And I'm very happy.

I love it. It was great to see you. Joey called me. I saw you would. He pays attention. He pretends he doesn't. He doesn't like that. He doesn't like what I'm interviewing people on the street,

but he did see the promotion for the special, and he called, and I love you for calling. I love you, too. I'm very proud of you. Thank you. I'm very proud to you're taking a chance, and all the little things you've done lately is fucking remarkable.

Thank you. You went out there, no Harvey Weinstein. you want out there and the only shit and that's it I love you I love you good luck

I'll be in Cape May I know we're gonna face time you after you have to face time one more time okay I'll try my best

love you guys Lee where you at this weekend Luxor Lounge July 10th Thursday it's Lugshaw Lounge It's a bar

it's a great show very excited The Lugsor Lounge Oh yeah very nice All right I'm nowhere I still got

my eyes all fucked up my elbow still recovering, you know, from somebody trying to take blood out of it. But anyway, I love you guys with all my heart. I hope you had a great fourth. I hope you still got a finger and I, you know, if you lost tonight, fuck it.

Now you got a story. Every fucking year, Christmas, what happened? Listen, I can't believe it. I love you, cock suckers. Stay black. Saturday night, Triad Theta. Tara. Canis Tracy.

Caris Tracy. All right. I love you guys. Lugzor Lounge. Have a great week. Stay black. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Listen, all sex is good sex. But if you're not having any sex because of VD,

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