The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Joey Diaz is a danger to society

Episode Date: September 3, 2024

This week on The Check In, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt question if Lee is ready to move to New York, why Joey loves when audience members get upset, and why pushing the envelope in comedy is so important. Plus much, much, more! Support the show and get 20% off your Manscaped order and free shipping. Press in code DIAZ at https://www.manscaped.com New DraftKings customers get $250 in bonus bets and 1 month of NFL+ Premium when you bet just $5. Download the DraftKings app and use code JOEY Support the show and get 10% off your Freeze Pipe order with code DIAZ at https://www.thefreezepipe.com The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

Ha ha ha ha. Oh shit. Let me shut this phone off before these people start texting me with stupid fucking things, you know. Do you think people mess with you and text you on purpose? No. They just, you know, decide to get, like, my brother will call me in 15 minutes to ask me if I bet the Mets tonight. I don't know where, you know. I called them and asked them for a fucking fake.

And he does it every night at like 7.30? No. But he does it. Well, I don't need him to call. I got those people that call you and they don't need to call. Not right now. I feel like that's almost everybody for you. Me, me, me, me, me, me.

What's happening, beautiful people? Good to see you, buddy. Good to see you. It's over. The summer is over. You know, I hate to be the fucking bearer bad fucking news, you know. Like people are jumping out out there. Oh, my God.

I can't wait to drink wine. Listen, motherfucker. It's time to roll up your sleeves. They're already putting Halloween shit out already. Go to CVS. There's Jack Alanthanthans fucking club. Yeah. Life is moving along and you're still living in a Mickelope commercial.

Yeah, Jack. It's all over. Did you go out today? Like, were you just out driving around today? No, I was out. I went to the gym. I hung out with a buddy of mine. Then I went to boxing for a half hour.

Then I came home, watched my pussy. And I went to a little Labor Day party. Oh, very nice. Nice sweet sausage and some hot sausage. The guy cooked it up. The kids are there jumping up and down. That's when it's fun when you have a day off. I've had the whole fucking week off, dog.

I took, you know me 15 fucking years, Lee. I was anti-bake. That's why I tell people you can't judge nobody. Because 12 years ago, if you come to me going, I'm going away, I need a break, I would have fucking stabbed you. What? break, what going away.

I know. People still make fun of me for Pismo Beach, and now you fucking took a break. Yeah, but Pizmo Beach, that's a death sentence. That's nice. You got 20 beaches and you pick Pismo fucking beach. Everywhere you picked was like where people didn't want to go

and I know where she was coming from. She wanted to save 12 bucks but, you know, like you went for New Year's to Long Beach. That wasn't my choice. 20,000? No, because you said yes. So now you're in Long Beach. People go to Japan for New Year's. They jump off buildings.

They throw stars up in the air. You know, you went to fucking Long Beach, California to do what? Snoop was out of town. You know what I'm saying? He's never there. That was the worst. Yeah. You know shit.

You always went to the wrong places at every time. Like, it doesn't matter. It was terrible. But I don't want to distract. So you were saying now you took a vacation and had a great time. No, you already fucked my memory up. Now I'm pissed at you again because Pismo Beach.

Who the fuck goes to Pismo Beach? It's nice. All right. I didn't want to get into this. I didn't want to distract. But Pismo Beach is still nice. I was driving up the post. Yeah, fucking people glowing at the dog.

I was not the only guy. Clams fucking. Every kid's raised with a missing limb because the clams are radioactive. Oh, no. That's like Oxnard. If I went to Oxnard Beach or Long Beach, yeah, maybe. But no, Pizmo is nice. They have a cinnamon roll play.

Like they get cinnamon rolls on the beach, which is nice. Who go? Let me ask you some. Show me one fucking quote from Hemingway where he got a cinnamon roll on the beach. All right. What is Hemingway on the beach? What the fuck? Hemingway's drinking cocktails,

hanging out with Hawaiian chicks, trying to get his balls licked. And here you are eating cinnamon. That's what I'm saying. It was all a dream. He used to read with a magnet. No, it was a fucking nightmarely. It was one nightmare.

man, I couldn't even, you would come every week with something that I would go. He's working for a network that knows how to get under my skin. You came home one weekend, you ate French fries with carne asada fries. That's still good. What do you mean? There's a whole, go to San Diego. The both ears would walk out of a car and the whole car would lift up. You would hear the shock absorbed to say, thank you.

And you're eating fries with fucking car. Carnet Asada and not even Carnarada. Carnia Asada on North Hollywood. That's where they are. Fucking car wash guys. Nobody even knew the place. He went and a week later it was closed down. No, it wasn't.

Everybody was fine. That place has been closed for years. He goes up there. He don't even start with the soup or the fucking... No one gets soup. Okay, listen, you might have me on everything else, but no one gets soup in a Mexican place. All right.

Let know. do. I know it's good, but that's not the first thing you get. Not you, but I do a nice soup and an avocado in that motherfucker. You eat soup like six times a week. A shrimp fucking cocktail Mexican style with the beer in it and shit. You go up there and get something that's not even, Mexicans are rolling their grave right now. At least put them on nachos. You put them on French fries with some cheese sauce from fucking. No, no, no, no. There's never cheese sauce. Don't don't smirk my name. there's never a cheese time. He came back with fucking red spots,

like a war criminal, you know. Maybe that's where they started. You have no idea. People have no idea what I've lived here. No, but Connie and Sauterfries are good. I don't care what you said. He moves to New York City. He gets an apartment, the most exciting city

in the fucking world. And he's telling me about what's down the block from his fucking house. He has no idea. We have five. of the greatest suburbs, you know, five fucking Queens, Manhattan, Brooklyn. And you're looking at like fast food. I would now.

Don't say that. Don't say that. I did go to a diner. But it's like New York. Listen, in California and Boston, this shit flies. Now you're on my turf. I'm going to have somebody watching you. And there's no more warnings.

It's just a punch to the fucking head. Punch to the stomach. That's it. You're going to call me. once on me. So I was eating and some guy just punched me in the stomach. Yeah, because you had a stupid place. Yeah. No, I'm so excited to try food in New York. But I'd like, but again, go to all the wrong place. I'm not going to go. They can't see in the corners. Fucking people who came from Kansas to tell them about food in the Bronx. And then, you know,

he'll tell me and I'm like, what the fuck? Who am I supposed to go to? Go to the Bronx. Get off that train and go to the fat and go to the fat and. Go to the fat and Puerto Rico and go, let me ask you a question. Before you eat that churra stick, whatever they call you, those fucking... The chiro? Yeah, whatever. Before you eat that chiro, here's the five dollar bill. What's the best Puerto Rican joint in this fucking neighbor?

I get some rice and beans, a pork chop that'll fucking... I go home, I sleep for 12 hours. I'll wake up like that dude. With that dude that woke up 10 years later with a beard. I have no idea what dude. I don't know. Jimmy Cricket. I don't fucking know his name.

He fucking... Rip Van Winkle. Yeah, Rip Van Winkle. You'll wake up like Rip Van Winkle. Jesus Christ. You wouldn't be offended if, like, you were hanging out in Jersey and some dude came up to him. I was like, hey, dude, where should I get somebody to eat?

Well, first of all, you're not going to go up to a good dude that's skinny with fucking HIV spots on him and ask him what's a good place to eat. Fuck no. You got to go up to the fattest, the guy who's got still... But again, this guy could just be a... weak fat fuck. And he's eating like cheese fries and

you know, you see him walking out of fucking uh, Uncle Vinnie's sandwich plot. What's the name of that play? Jersey Mike's. Jersey mics with like a two-foot sandwich. Uncle Vinny's. Whatever. Fuck that guy.

Uncle Mike, Uncle Vinny. I don't know. All right. And, you know, that's not good food. I want to see the fat dude. Yeah. I just walked out of the Chinese lunch special and had two specials. right, like he had two soups, one order egg rolls, one order fucking dumplings, and then he had two entrees, and then like he wanted to go late.

He went fried rice and brown rice just to make his... Save some calories? Yeah, saves from calories. Holy shit. That's the fat fuck you want to go up to. I wonder if they go out anymore with Uber Eats, especially in New York. You don't have to leave it any time. Listen, a professional fat guy goes out.

A lazy fat fuck stays in and lets some fucking guy. named Kantu touching your food and yeah dropping on the first floor and you got to walk down four flights who's going to come who's not going to walk past that food right

oh I can't so professional fat fuck is right he don't go to Wendy's he don't do nothing he has a j-job and 70% of his fucking salary goes to food he don't put on the card he goes to places he can afford because he knows

he, you know, when people go to, oh, my God, I heard about this new restaurant in the building. Listen, go fuck yourself, okay? You and your new restaurant. You probably heard it from some fucking hemophiliac. It was never, a steak dinner will kill him. Like, you ever see those guys? They've been eating like fucking veggies all their life.

You get them a steak dinner. Now you've got to get them out to mouth in that fucking vegan breath. You know? You think they just stopped giving them out to mouth because of the vegan breath? Oh, you got to. You're a vegan. You're dying. You're on the guy. You know what I'm saying? No, I got love for everybody.

But what I'm saying is. Except for me. What happened? Except for me. I get made fun of everything. I got love like a motherfucker for you. That's why I know. Yell at you when you do these dumb things. You know, I got a guy that I grew up with, my age. Once a week, I got to hang up on him because he just acts because he goes to play.

Then he complains to me. I didn't know. I went into a pizza play. they were Indian. What, what did you expect? I got nothing against Indians, but show me one fucking, you know,

anyway, I don't get started here. You didn't want to get a story. He didn't still a minute. For in a year, who do you want to walk around with? Some fat fuck, you want to follow Joey Chestnut.

You want to see a lot of the fuck goes for his chili dogs and training, he eats steroids, whatever the fuck, what? But he's sponsored by a vegan dog. And he couldn't do the thing this year

because they, like, he's sponsored by a, vegan dog. A million dollars a million dollars. It's changing the perspective. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to take you for you to be the spokesperson of Carnie and Souta fries. If I can't eat it in public, I can't do it.

I cannot. Listen, I'm the type of guy that I won't justify, I won't jeopardize what I tell people. Like when I really tell people, I went to this restaurant and I really, it's not because I'm trying to get a free appetizer. Right. That's the last thing on my mind is because guys, like when I go to Osteria, $33 for the Sunday sauce, see how much it costs to make a Sunday sauce.

See the portion they give you the meatball, the sausage, the brazo, and the fucking pork rib. The bread, the water, you know, it's a bargain, and you're at a fine dining establishment. That's the shit I give out. I love other restaurants, but the $80, you know, What am I, you know, people take me there. I'm going to tell you to go there.

And I'm not looking for put a dime. I'm not looking to tell you, listen, this is where, you know, Madam Chin Chin eats, you know, $82 for the spare rip to try to be somebody and not. I want you to be a fucking American, you know, and eat stuff that's, you know, it doesn't kill your pocket. I love people fucking knock me all the time. I love Segovia. First of all, I've been eating ass since 1982.

I got to be loyal to them. Okay, they took care of me back in the day, 1495, the steak special. Every once in a while, they'd sneak me a fucking sangria. My loyalty goes with them. But at the same time, where do you get a lobster tail and a fucking surf filet mignon with potato chips and all the dressings for $69?

Wow. Now we're. Now I'm a fat fuck. I don't finish that when I go. When I go with my buddies every eight weeks, we don't finish that. I don't finish that. I can't touch an appetizer. I got to sit there like a victim. I can't even eat a piece of fucking bread after an hour drive because I know I can't finish it. Right. And that doesn't happen. That's one of the things about New York that I'm really excited about because it seems like there's a lot of those places that have like really good deals. All day on Instagram, they got places where you get the best burrito for $2, the best Puerto Rican food for $3. Those places are probably the best.

Oh, yeah. $1.6, you're going to shit blood for two days and go, what the fuck was I thinking? I do that now. You can't go crazy. Go with the easy stuff. You know? But people want to go and eat. And I'm not going, again, people go, well, Joey, you got certain things with certain nationalities.

Look at them. You know, would you eat there? Anyway, it doesn't fucking... I thought you were going to say, I don't have that. You're like, you're like, no, you double it down. You're like, fuck them. I can't, you know, it's 2024. We're going into 2025.

You know, you got to change your outlook. And it's already 2025 for you? In my world, yes. But in... Right now, I'm just absorbing what's coming at me. You know, I'm really absorbing what's coming at me. Lee, one of the things, listen, I miss doing comedy. But to do comedy right, you got to schedule dates.

Right. And I've said this before. One of the things I fucking hate is having something hanging on my head. And that includes comedy? What's tonight? Tonight's Monday. If you meet Thursday and go, hey, man, I got a call from whatever club. I'm not going to mention they offer me a lease I at him, friends.

You want to swing by on a Thursday? you'll probably have a better chance to get me there than saying, I got a date October 12th. It pays $88,000. And I'm just making up a number here. Unless I get $88,000. I wouldn't be here talking to you if I got $80,000.

I don't blame you. But what I'm saying, you understand? That shit used to drive me fucking crazy. And that was two quarters of my fucking anxiety. and I feel it now. Like when people call me now and go, hey, October 12, they hit me October 10th.

And they shit their pants. They're like, what are you talking? Yeah, guys, it's all over. It's a different world for me now. I lived through that for 20 fucking years. And at one point you go, it's great. But at the other point, you go, right now that's too much for me.

maybe in 2025 do you think yeah maybe that would be do you think what are you most excited about for getting back to stand-up well I'm not really getting back into stand-down I got a lot of shit going on

so it's going to be a slow progression right I'm really having a nice time writing and all the material sucks but it's a lot better than I was writing three or four months ago nice man it took me I told you you have to to step outside your boundaries sometimes and look within.

And sometimes it's real painful. You don't like what you see. But for the first time, my life, I kind of like what I see. I see a young girl growing up. My wife's happy, you know, what am I rushing this? This is like, and again, I'm not comparing anything. I'm not saying anything bad. If you know anything about Led Zeppelin.

They came to him for the last. out and Robert Plant was like absolutely not and they kept coming to him and coming to him and finally bottom came to him and said you got to help me with this and he goes okay and he got to the studio and jimmy page is all wiped up on heroin we spoke about on the podcast with dean and now he something he didn't want to do at all and he got into it at least now i feel like i'm going into it knowing like before when I got here it was like I'm going into a life that I don't even know what I'm going into here and you want me to go on the road and talk about stand-up I couldn't even focus on writing now I see you know you're coming back that excites me I thank you

buddy but me fucking going yeah I got a date for you January 12th hit me January 2nd all right because I want to enjoy my fucking holiday could like Do you want to just release tickets late? Or could someone else, like, do it for it? Could, like, do you deal with someone like, hey, book me these dates, but don't tell me? Right now, motherfucker, it's Tuesday, the third. My daughter starts school on the fort. She's going to middle school.

And I'm just excited for the fucking last, all right, Lee, the last half of the third quarter and the beginning of the fourth quarter. This is the time of the year that makes my dick hard. This is the time of the year where I fucking. dig in. So without further ado, let's get this podcast started, please. It's Tuesday, the 3rd of September. The check-in is brought to you by. Come on, the freeze pipe. Listen, when it's time to kick back and relax, you're going to need the freeze pipe. It's the coolest way to smoke. Follow me. The pipe comes with a glycerine chamber that you pop into the freezer. When you're ready to see the devil, you pop it out

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Manscape for supporting this show. And now, if you don't mind, let's get this show started. It's a beautiful Tuesday. It's time to roll up your sleeves. Kick this mule. Turn off your TVs. Run for your lives.

It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you've got to be thinking. Welcome back to church. What up, Luke? Hey, buddy. I'm glad.

The day is done. The summer is done. You know, now is when you got to look and say, how do I want to end the year? And what am I looking for for fucking January? We put it off in June. We put it off in March. you know, now it's time to

fucking listen, I always say it. There's people that waiting for a bus that don't want to get on it when it shows up anyway. They just want to wait for the bus. There's a time of the year where you've got to get on that

motherfucking bus and tell the bus drive I'm in it till you fucking run out of gas. But this is like the most scared I've ever been. Like I've been feeling lately. Like I feel like I'm ready. I honestly feel like I'm funny enough to be in New York. but it's just like I'm starting to really like it's two weeks of feeling the pressure of like I'm going to be in New York.

Like I can't let it like just slip away. To think I like about this podcast and any podcast I've been a part of with you is that for people who don't know, I do put the date. I put whoever's in charge of the podcast, the sponsors, and I put the topics that happened this week that I'd like to discuss with you. but a good podcast is we come on here and you just said something that I wanted to talk to you about I just forgot to write it down. You said that you didn't know if you were ready for New York City. How long have you been doing stand-up on stage for now?

All together. Seven years in November, but then there was like a year with COVID. It's more like six. Six years in November. Anyway, so. Okay. I started in 91.

Okay. Come on, man. From June of 91 to I don't know, January of 93, it was just an apparatus for me. It was, I was buying time

to I had to decide if I was going to be a criminal, want to be a comic, or what the fuck, what direction I was going. I was 28 years old, and, you know, whatever the fuck.

But I was slow for the first 18 months. I was going through a divorce. You know, I was doing my thing in Boulder. I had a young girlfriend. You know, it was a different time. And comedy wasn't the focus. The focus was selling some drugs while I was doing stand-up and just having a girlfriend.

That would make me feel, you know, whatever. And then after she broke up with me, and I realized I was a loser. I came back, focused on comedy. So I lost 18 months. So I'm like you. Now, when I lived in Seattle, which is where you've been in Boston,

you haven't done contests, you haven't really been part of the one-nighter scene. You're at the 50-50 level. You know, I was just like you. Same thing. You're fucking every month. You start at zero. You get the calendar.

You write how much they're going to pay you. And you know, yeah. Woo! Okay. then came LA and never in my heart did I ever think I was ready when I walked into that comedy store

I knew I wasn't ready when she picked me I was like this is a complete fuss she's gonna realize how bad I am I told you about the times I would bomb and get in the car and cry and go that's the last time I'll be there but she saw something and then something happened I started looking at

You and I have been getting into discussions lately. Some of them are off the check-in. Nothing bad, but some of them are pleasurable. And some of them are like, you know, are coming down to Jesus' moment for the both of us. We love each other that much, and we can talk to each other like that. And me, I'm out to protect you.

You know, but as almost, almost, and this is I protect Eric. You know, people call me it all around. I was in the night. I got a problem with comedy. What do you think? I put this up on YouTube. Let's work on it. Let's work on it together. Don't stress. It ain't the end of your career. It ain't the end of your career. But anyway, you and I get into conversations. And the biggest conversation is, are you ready? You know, Friday nights at comic strip, you know, there's just some stuff that, and I think back to two times getting a Blue Mountain Jiu-Jitsu. And the first time I knew I wasn't I was way off the course. It was horrible. I just had a good work ethic.

And I would roll and get beat up and tap. But the second time, I was there for a year and, you know, three months. And I remember it was really shocking to me. I didn't think I was going to get the blue belt there. I didn't care. I didn't join for the blue belt.

But I saw by giving me a blue belt The motivation I got Right, right Do you follow me? A thousand percent It's really weird that you're in the same position And I can't judge you on that I could just talk to you and go to warnings of this

But at the same time, it's what I did For two years, I walked around the comedy Still like, what is this? When is this going to end? Right. Oh, absolutely. What are they going to see and I'm just a fucking sack of shit comic? And when I say like I'm ready, I felt like I was ready for New York, I mean like my level. I'm not talking about the top level clubs right now.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I understand. Okay, but I want people to be like, he thinks he's ready for the seller? No. Not yet. You have a very great attitude. Get the seller out of your vocabulary. Yeah. Because that's the big problem. Right. I got a really interesting call this weekend, Friday night. I don't know where I got a text from an old friend of mine, and he's working at a club, and he's working with two other old friends of mine.

One of them who is hysterically funny and who should, he should have been ruling comedy right now. But somewhere along the line, he had a job and his focus, and in his later years, he woke up, and he's doing things now, but it's not to the level that he can't. Very funny. I'm not going to throw him under the bus and mention no names.

He knows he's funny. We'll talk to him about this later on. Friday night he blew up a room, which means half of them walked. Oh, no. And the other half stood there and gave a standing ovation. Right. Jesus Christ.

And at first I was like, well, I don't see the magic in that. And then I go, I just smacked myself. And I go, that's what comedy used to be. Yeah. When I first watched Stanhope, he was walking rooms on purpose. Rooms that you would say, Joey, I got 90 people.

He would go out there and clear him, dog. Clear 50 of them. But the people who stayed loved him. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They loved what happened. They love to see a train wreck. What have I told you for 30 fucking years, open mics or a train wreck?

This was not open mic. Right. Oh, no, this is a fucking... Listen, I work with Stanhope twice at the broker in in the early 90s. And then I didn't see him until 95 in Seattle. And the summer in 96, he came back after winning San Francisco. And the display he put on in that room on a Friday night was something that I'll never forget. You just had a...

I can't sit here and blow smoke. can tell you we would know it was I'm sitting there as a fucking you know I've done a guess that and what I saw was I don't know what the underground sat there but whatever it said 60 people walk at the 25 minute mark and after that it was four couples two couples every five minutes and he didn't back off he kept pounding pounding, pounding, pounding. You know, I'll never forget

the one time that Friday night. It wasn't like a Saturday night. He did so well Friday. He defied what comedy was on Friday night. I canceled my gig on. I didn't even go see Stan out. I went camping with a girl because I was so depressed

because I would never be that good. Jesus What he did And I forgot all that shit Till my buddy sent me to text the other night And I'm like I remember those days Going up there and saying something

And five people walking And you're like Okay Nobody is doing that anymore Well Are the club supportive of it? Listen Right away

I got your money Right I'm gonna come up to you And give you some bullshit story Hey Mr. Mrs. Sian, I'm sorry about this. My mother, she's, I'm going to have to give her a Xanax to calm her down.

Can we give you two tickets and the mother's like, no, I've never been this insulted in my life. As a as a idea of it's making you laugh. Because right there

it's a club owner who determines what goes downly. Right. The audience wins. Listen, I brought an act to town. You don't like them. I got your money. Don't come back. I don't get them.

But I'm not giving your money back because you're insulted. This guy was speaking the truth up there. And I still remember, like, seeing the people, they didn't know. Listen, he was so, they just walked out. They didn't even ask for the money. They didn't want the fucking money. It was every, like, six guys that some guy wearing a, whatever, Birken socks.

Excuse me. I was very upset. He was talking about Chinese kids making sneakers, whatever the fuck. I love that you remember the joke. I just remember the look on people's faces

is something that we've forgotten as comedians. We really have. Now, a bunch of comics are going to hit me in a week ago. Do you even go on and salt? No. Just, you know, Lenny Bruce did it Richard Pryde did it

but I'm just making an analogy here Right We've become so safe as comics That we wouldn't even There was a comic in Seattle There was two of them I mean here I am Trying to be a feature act

Right Doing comedy I'm Lysayat I'm six years in I'm dying to fucking do something With my life Right And these two guys are selling our shows

Selling out was 90 tickets. That's a lot of tickets. And they'd go up there and just drop a bomb. And Seattle, no matter how cool it was with Pearl Jam and Nirvana, they couldn't take that. Like, audiences, and I don't, you know, I don't remember what they would say. They would, like a lot, I saw a guy come out one night. And again, that's the decision that you make, whether you,

what's that expression? I win the war. Lose the battle, but win the war. the war. Yeah, because you got to go, okay, what's really going on here? Right. Is my joke that powerful? I mean, sometimes you come out and say, you saw a hoaxman and fucking met a square garden. He goes off. I've never met him before. He goes fucking off. He's awesome. Yeah. Listen, that was his master square garden and that was a percentage of people were like, ooh, that's New York City. You've heard it all. Think about a fucking club and like,

Minneapolis, he comes out and says my impersonation of Robin Williams and I ain't lose up. People, you know, I sit there, I do the side of the cross, but I giggle, you know, whatever. I'm not giggling at the fucking joke. I'm giggling

at the response. Oh, that's so funny. You like the response? Why do you like it? Do you like it? Do you like it? Because you've seen it from stage? Or like, do you like it just because they look at you, you're just right? Because I love human reaction to shit that's got nothing to do with them. You know, like, I've never heard of someone getting happy because someone else is so upset.

My dear friend, which we won't mention any names, went up on stage at the comedy store in the night. Like two weeks after Princess died, who called her a cunt, right? And I don't have to tell you what happened, right? They don't know what we're too well, I'm assuming. Oh, my God, two weeks after. But there was a funny guy. There was a guy, you know, one of our dear friends, I still speak to, and a funny comic from Boston, but the funny comic from Boston was gay.

And he was living with a gay lover. And my friend and his wife went over there for dinner one night, like a month after our dear friend says that Princess Die is a cunt. And my friend happens to bring up my dear friend. friend's name who said that. And the one gay guy looked at the other and he goes, he's the one that called Princess Diana Cunt. The other one went

Who? When you've laughed in their face if we did that in front of you? Oh, my God. And there's some comics that are just brilliant. I was at the store the night Joey Botafuka walked in with his wife.

His wife just got shot in the head. What? Lee, I'm not going to give you a history lesson. There was a guy in Long Island who cheated on his wife with an 18-year-old girl and fucked her. Then the girl fell in love with him, and one day she got a gun and shot the wife in the face. And they had to do plastic surgery on her, and the face wasn't the same. We'll get to the story later on, but they were at the... You remember?

Like three or four years later, nah. Because all that stuff happened in the 90s, 91, maybe 92. We're at the store, and somebody told the guy he could be a fucking actor. Joey Botafuko. So Joey Batafuko would come to the store. No, he wasn't doing comedy. He would come to the store to hang out with Dice and all the other guys, and he would come up on Sunday nights.

And I remember this fucking hilarious comic went up on stage tonight. And he goes, look at this. We have a room of celebrities tonight. You know, Martin Lawrence is here, and Joe Badafouca is here. He goes, I can't even say his name. with a straight face, neither can his wife. And she fucking Christ. Jesus

fucking Christ. Like I thought I was going to pass out. Like I was hosting and I thought I was going to pass. Fuck. Speaking of which, nothing to do with it. When I got back, I had a package here. A reefer that my friend said he was going to drop off. This shit that they try to give people that I can't even say it.

how strong the sweet is. I did the first bon hit Lee, and, you know, my teeth was shattering and my mouth as I was... It was that good? It's that good. Damn. My eyes haven't gotten clear in two days.

Like, they just shot red. Wisena hasn't worked. Nothing. I'm on code red. It's all over. But anyway, back to the Vietnamese kid. What are the fuck we're talking about? What are we talking about?

About the guy who made in front of Joey's wife. You know, and that style of comedy, you know, Kennison did it, but it's not saying it. It's how you're going to play their reaction. Stan Hope was brilliant because Stan Hope would, you could see the woman getting her, like the lady in fucking, in New Jersey. She got up.

Same thing. She got up, said something, the husband, they walk out together and Stanhope would say, oh, whoa, whoa, don't leave. You haven't heard my tit fuck joke yet. That's the, fucking brilliance. That was the brilliance.

They were walking. And he was like, you know what? Hold on. I haven't told you when I fucked the stripper up the ass with the broomstick. He didn't say that. Right. But that's the reaction he would have to that, which would really. And then you see another couple get up.

And then he'd do like four minutes and another couple would get up. And you're like, oh. But to think like guys like you and I at the six year mark were like, we would never do that. We're praying for that audience. Right. That's a different mind to go up there and do that. And somewhere along the line, you've got to tame it back,

well, people just stop going to your shows. Right. Yeah, I would never, I'd be afraid. Like, I almost feel like every time I go up and at a club, like, I'm basically auditioning. And who knows if anyone's even watching, but it's like the idea of saying something like that? There's one person that's always watching.

That's lonely. His uncle died. His cat died. And he goes out and he enjoys the art of comedy. And he'll come up to you four years from now. When he's on vacation somewhere, he goes, I'll see you at the club in Connecticut. The night that you closed it,

you had something. I agreed with you. You were very fun. And you're going to go, holy shit. Because there are people that don't want to be comedy hoars. They just enjoy the art. There's people who love jazz. music, right? Oh, yeah.

You said you went to the blue note in New York, correct? A couple times. It was awesome. Oh, it was. You know, there's people who just love jazz. They won't even Kareem Abdul-Jabbar won't listen to fucking rock and roll music. So, everybody has their own motherfucking thing. But

I'm really excited about Thursday night. Guys, look, I'm not bullshin, nobody. For 20 years, I didn't give a fuck. And that's my, that's my witness right there. If you check it because people always like to check on stuff when you say things that are wrong surprised people having said joey this is you 10 years ago chastising lee for watching football

yeah and i moved back and i went to florentine's house to watch on a sunday and i didn't think men like that existed because i haven't been around crazy people like that and fucking every year and next to you know you know i started we always had draft kings but it's football season and even like Jimmy's friends are calling me already like we're ready for fucking Sunday oh yeah we're going off

will you be here this Sunday league no no no no I've shows this weekend so next the weekend after but yeah football's gonna be great Jimmy's gonna be where you were last week in Saratoga yeah so that's good so you leave fucking killing

he'll go up there and mop up the fucking place but you know like baseball's eating up right now. It's easy. Like Philadelphia from now to fucking the third week of September. Philadelphia is not going to lose, especially at home when they start taking

poles down and shooting migrants. They don't fuck around in Philadelphia if they lose. So it's just a fun time of the year. This is the time of the year that you have college, which I know nothing about. My brother told me to bet Georgia Tech the other team is still

scoring USC. I only put the small tent on them, you know, saying I pulled the Lee Syatt. So I like baseball this time of the year. And then you have to go first week of pro football, Luxey, and then you attack. But Thursday night's just a great game. The Ravens with that fucking new running back.

Oh, shit. What's his name? The dude from, I think he was on Tennessee or Indianapolis. Oh, Derek Henry? Yeah. Oh, yeah, for God. He was on Baltimore. That's a triple threat.

If I ever fucking saw one, brother, that's nine of a thousand brothers coming at you. That's old school football. What? What? So let's take a breather real quick. Let me talk to you about draft kicks. Hey, it's Tuesday morning.

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NFL plus premium offer available only to new and former NFL plus subscribers. Additional NFL plus premium terms at NFL.com slash terms. All right, you fucking savages. Anyway, Lee, we had to start a podcast a little late today. I'll tell you what. Last week before we're going to start the podcast, my wife was out of town. I realized that the fucking battery died in the mouse. Like, this can't happen when my wife is here.

right this has to happen the minute she fucking takes off or whatever now i got every fucking battery there is i got car batteries i got batteries for boats i got everything here it's the battery that you need at the time of death that you don't have okay so we do the podcast you teach me how to tune in we do the podcast and i don't know i'm walking around for four three days before i'm I leave and booyah, guess what I see in the closet? The battery. Nice. So tonight I come here and I go, oh, that's right.

I got to put the batteries in the fucking mouse. I go look at the batteries. They don't fit. It's the size small than that, right? It's like a manscape razor or something. It's for fucking, no, the manscape comes automatically with the charger. It's for something stupid. Right. But I put the wrong glasses

on, right? Like I had my super heavy glasses that I did, these are over the counter, motherfuckers. I can see into the future with these. These are really deep, and I'm growing into them. But as I go to throw the batteries on the fucking flaw in anger, I go, well, let me look what's in this box. Guess what I found?

What? Glasses I lost four year ago when I moved here from fucking California. These are the real-we-are-you. I had these for a long fucking time. I just found them tonight, a little Elvis Presley box, see? That's awesome. I didn't know you lost them. and you end up finding another.

So you never know what you're looking for. It's like I told you. You hear, and what am I going to do? Sign a lease for two years? No. Take a chance Columbus did. Sign a lease. Hopefully you'll meet some fucking

German chick with long legs that are wrapping around your throat and take you up to fucking Queens, you know? Queens is nice, but that would be awesome. No, yeah, I'm just really excited. But I want to hear about your trip to Delaware. First off, the last time I went to Delaware, it was 1997.

And it was the three longest days of my life. Because I didn't know this. When I got there, that's when they hit me with you got to work clean. Oh, no. You have a college shirt and a tie and a jacket. You dare into this house. So that didn't work out for me. But I picked up like two dates somewhere else.

and comedy. It was shitty money. It didn't matter. But I remember leaving here. And even though my brother, my favorite person in the world lives here in Delaware, I fucking left after three days. And for years, I promised him I was going to go back.

And I didn't go back to four years ago this week when his wife passed away. Oh, man. Then this summer, after softball season, during softball season, they said the last week, we go to Rahobit Beach. And you guys are invited and I go, perfect. Let's go down there.

I get to see my brother. Go down there and see what this is all about. Now, I've been to every beach in Jersey since I've been here. Maybe not every one. I'm exaggerating. Right. And all of them have been fucking not what I expected. Not that in a bad way.

I'm a Jersey guy. But again, I'm not going to tell you something. They've all not been, you know, it's not the same. Right. They crowded a lot of people that, again, it's like the circus. I'm saying this joke for my friend there. It's like the circus came to town. The truck broke down.

You know, I got to have my kids around these people now walking around, you know, with coolers and shit. It's a different clientele. Right. And I was a kid, you know, and I went to Wildwood. I went to Maywood. I went to see, you know, I went to, you know, and so this was completely different. North Carolina was too boring for me. Yeah, there's horses on the beach.

Okay, great. But you know what? check yourself before you wreck yourself. New Jersey is the equestrian state. There's more horses per capita of New Jersey than there is anywhere else. So I'm not going to North Carolina and look at a fucking horse.

I got horses in Freeho. We can go bet the fucking horses tomorrow night. Beautiful fucking horses. You know what I'm saying? I don't know if they're beautiful, but the horse. It's one of those track horses. They go right from there to fucking Perina.

Oh, no. There's no fucking future there. So this was fucking great. You take a ferry for an hour. I was smoking my little vapor pen. Like I owned the ship, like fucking Oscar on the love boat. Isaac, a little black guy, I was down and you sit there and all right on the other end

of you land a Luz and you get off and I was 25 minutes from Luz. Loz, what the fuck it is. By the way, I got a shout out, my brother down in Delaware. Johnny B. He's a fan of the church, you, me, everybody. He's my brother, Mike's friend. I don't even know if his, I know his name is John.

I don't know if it's D or B, whatever the fuck. Just take the shout out and fucking, you know, go get some clams in Delaware, whatever the fuck they got. So there's Dewey Beach, Bradley Beach. There's Rahobit for some reason. this family wanted to go to a whole bit. And Lee, I was blown away. What do you like about it?

Very family. Everything closes a 10 o'clock. You know where you stand. If you don't have rolling papers, you better get them before sundown. Okay. You know, listen, my daughter's at an age. I don't want to take it.

And you have Ocean City, Maryland, 30 minutes away, and you have 45 minutes away. and you have Dewey Beach the other way, which is a little wilder. That's for you. You know what I'm saying? Go there, you wake up, somebody roofied your fucking seven up. That's for you.

You know what I'm saying? I think your beach sounds better. Huh? I think the one you some one to sounds better than that. Jesus Christ. You're a young guy. You don't want to get, right now is the age where you want to get roofie. You want to call me one of these nights and go, bro, some chicks took me home.

When I was eating a pussy, I woke up and I was handcuffed. And she took my wife. wallet and my Jewish Federation card. I don't know. Oh, no. I would love, yeah. That sounds good to you? Or that sounded good to you? That's living your life, Lee. Living, you know,

moving to New York, something's going to happen to you. Oh, I was wondering if, like, I'm going to get, like, because I'm a fucking move. You can't come down from the apartment. It's been a week. You're not coming down. You know, you call a hooker, you know, whatever. I don't know. That's the first thing you're going to say when I actually finally move in

I don't think a hooker could make it up those stairs. Oh, you got one of those human traffic? Oh, God. Those motherfuckers are running. I thought you were joking, like when they healed, like, from the 70s. Oh, I know you're joking. Yeah, I'm just joking around. But, listen, if a hooker can't make it up for a flight, you don't want them in your house.

You want it to run up for certain different reasons. You want the monkey to move around and shake those last critters out. for it. She comes in, you know what she comes in, you spray, you know, repellent behind her, you know, it's a different one. Yeah, you got to hang them by one leg and make sure everything's out. They've got to blow dry, I don't know. Oh, I've heard that it's like kind of hard to, like, and it's perfect because I don't want one, but like, like, it's like, most people don't like date in New York. It's just like they hook up and that's, they what? I heard like there's a lot, not a lot of people

That's the voice you need. I heard this a lot of people that don't like that day. Listen, you're an old romantic Jew. You want to be in the will, you got to pop up a fucking grandson. So you're looking for love. You know what I'm saying? You're not looking for hookups. And with your luck, you get another rash, and it comes back,

and it affects the one you already have. Like me, I'm a rashy motherfucker too. I've never gotten one from that, thank God. No? When you went to the jacuzzi and ate Paul his ass, you came back. It was not from the jacuzzi. God damn it. I was waiting for that.

With Pismo Beach, like, when's the jacuzzi gonna get brought up and see fucking devil and it's dies and you're saving it for the end. God damn it. That was a thing. Like, he said I did fucked up shit. It was like somehow you, like, guided me. This motherfucker fucking came back. It only happened

right before I saw you. This motherfucker came back looking like one of the Avengers got through him. Like, blow towards that. He had red spots. Yeah, he thought last week was bad. That's when those started. He tried to buy him. two days, and he put makeup on, he came in like with a half a cape.

I got to leave. I got to edit it. I'm going. Where you going? Also, I saw blotches everywhere. If you go back to podcast 488, that's when we caught in Spotty, I think. It'd be around. God, that was fucking awful. It was like, when you ever see Hitch, that Will Smith movie

where he's, like, drinking Benadryl? I didn't know what the fuck it was. I just woke up and my face had exploded. And I ended up being a podcast like that night. I was like, this guy's going to fucking destroy me. I wrote fucking pink stuff on it. And it was like a fucking, I don't know,

whatever it was. It was a dirty hot tub. Time period guys when you're like, it's like Ari developed a great show off with great titles. This is not happening. They got to develop another one that's called This Ain't Happening to me.

Once a week, I had to stop what I was doing a leak. Are you putting me on? Like it's something, you know, about this shit, because this cannot be, like this just can't be happening to an American. This is not even, you're a nice kid, why are you going through all this shit?

We used to go to a restaurant. It was a coffee shop. Guys, I've eaten breakfast in 80 states, right? I don't know, there's like 51 of them. I don't know how many fucking states. This place was in the top fucking 10, that coffee shop on the corner. It was great, yeah.

This Mo Mo would show up and get the eggs and bacon to go. Yeah, I live two seconds down the road. No, you didn't live two seconds down the road. I did. Yeah, Paula would make you go to Starbucks and wait on the line for $25. Yeah, it upset me. Okay. And now the eggs are cold, the bacon.

And I go to leave, lunch and the coffee there was great, guys. But somewhere in her fucking lawyer ass, she needed to go to Starbucks to get the coffee. And I go, Lee, what? When are you going to stop this abuse? The coffee, I'm in there drinking green tea. My dick's getting hard while I'm drinking it. They get it right from the Chinaman, you know what I'm saying? And fucking, you're going around the corner of the Starbucks.

The eggs are going to get cold. The potatoes there would have died for. Am I not? The whole thing was the bacon was better. Why don't we're taking it home? That little table. His home is always better. Home is always, especially close.

That's what I'm saying. You're going to move up to a four-story flight. No, I'm not. No, but I'm not. You just heard them, cucksuckers. Four stories. I'm not. I'm going to be out,

because I'm going to be out every night. I'll be out. He's got a new Patreon, all right. It's $25 a month. You're not getting dick. All you get is a chance to come over and carry him up and down the stairs for a week. Be his Swami, bring up the fuck it.

He's not going to make it, guys. Am I paying them $25 a month? They're paying me. You're going to do bonuses, all right? You're going to do some type of bonus here. They come over. They're comic guys. They're going to the city with you.

But most importantly, they're like Japanese dudes, like samurai. You know, you always have like an understudy. You're understudy. You're understudy. First of all, you've got to put on the biography. Must have both legs. Because there's a, you know, and your knees like Joey Diaz cannot apply for the job.

We're probably 25 because they've got a redone knee. Right. That's good for you. I'm not trying to put anybody down. I'm just. right away you people are saying oh he's talking about no I'm not talking about anybody let's say some guy got blown up in Hamas

he's missing an elbow how's he gonna carry the fucking boxes of burritos and all the other shit Lee needs upstairs put it on a bag and then just hold it I would go fucking walking upstairs I don't know I was anyway

I found a great restaurant if you're ever in Delaware go in there and it's not what the fuck are you giggling about I didn't know we were back at Delaware Yeah, I have to switch it back Because we're going somewhere dark It's still too early in the episode

This is like eyewitness news We give me the bad news in the beginning And then we show you the black kid with the one eye Playing the fluid Now he's going to Harvard now You know You've got a psychology of that Like you just showed me people getting blown up

Right They're trying to take down that in Yahoo you know some migrant stabbed the fucking homeless Chinese lady in the train but hold on you're going to make me happy a chick who got beaten

ate by a shark is now running the fucking New York City Marathon you know you got to sit there this just brought me joy am I wrongly no they do it they always save it from the very end

everything's been terrible everything's been terrible and then they show you it. I can't, you know, and I watch it to learn how to be funny. Sometimes you got to watch that just to learn, you know, this is the same thing. If you're going to walk a room, you got at the end, you've got to go, hold on before you leave.

Did I tell you? Did I fucking... Like a joke about your kids? No, you do something that you did something nice in the community. Oh, okay, you were nice to someone. Okay. Save the kid, you know, he did something. Right.

Donated blood. You did. did something, you know what I'm saying? And they'll get them back. We'll see the humanity in you. Sometimes they say that type of material. They see the humanity in me. It's funny. The other day

I went somewhere and I stopped at CVS. And this is fucking crazy. For four years, there's been a cat family out there. Summer, fall,

winter, whatever, the season is whatever. I don't know. I know there's four seasons. I don't know. The other one. Four, summer, spring.

There you go. You forgot winter that time. Yeah, all right. Whatever. Give me a pass. I'll read the chapter and come back to you next week. You forgot a different one each time. The first time you forgot spring.

And then you forgot winter. No. Anyway. So I'm driving by now. When I first moved here, I would take a ride at night. You know, I was going through whatever I was going through. And every night, I like CVS. I'm a CVS groupie.

Yeah. You want to find me, just go to a nearest CBS store. I'll be in a CVS. Sometimes I see a CVS. I just pull over just to see sales to see if my coupons are activated. When it comes to you, you were asking me, Last week, Coles and CBS, I take my shit seriously. I can see that.

Because CBS will give you a coupon for the shit you need. Do you what I'm saying? Yeah. Like, if you need a grenade and you go to CVS, the next coupon they give you, it ain't going to be for a fucking flying saucer. It's going to be $10 off a grenade. You know what I'm saying?

Well, they usually give it to me after us. You would have just bought the grenade. What? They usually give it to me as I buy it. So if I'm buying something, then that's when they give me the receipt. Yeah. Like, I just saw, I got another deal. I got $4.4 off.

But they sent me individual coupons for the stuff I like. Nick and Red Gunn, Luton's Croft drops, the Wild Cherry. Right. I'll eat a whole bag of those fucking things. Stop. Those caramels, I'll fucking bag a bag and put them all over the house. And I get high and I forget what the fuck they are. It's like losing the child.

I'm saying? You're like, what the fuck? How many things of the caramels do you ever around the house? I don't know. And then Terry finds, Mercy find. Oh, are you hide them?

Yeah, hide them from myself. You got to hide shit from yourself and then try to remember. I thought you're like little dishes. I'm looking for like three things right now that I've lost. One of them belongs to a friend of mine. I tried to hide it from,

but I hid it from stuff. I've been looking for fucking weeks for this thing. It's a nightmare. Wait, are you saying you hide stuff and then you're so good at the hiding that you forget where it is? Oh, oh yeah.

Oh, yeah. And every once in a while, you find something else. Sometimes you're looking for a two-pillar wrench, you know what I'm saying? Sometimes you find some crazies. Why are you hiding things from yourself? Because I'm a danger to society. Like dog, I got weapons

hidden in California still in a yard. Like, I can't sleep at night. I still got a 32 hidden in North Bergen in some of these yard up there. I always drive by and check out of it. I'm scared to go on a yard because the family don't even live there no more.

Right, but now you're hiding caramels. Yeah, it starts somewhere. When I was a kid, I used to hide pacifiers, and I'd hide them all over the house. And whenever things got danged, I'd suck the pacifier for two minutes. That's where it all started with pacifies. Just so you know.

I'd like it. So anyway, what are we talking about here? Delaware. What is it, Lee? You're confusing me? What the fuck? What were we just talking about? But no, I was just laughing that you have lost so many things.

But you find them. Or sometimes you find something better. But I've never done. I've never done. That's crazy. I don't think we were talking about anything. But I had a great weekend. I had a fucking awesome weekend

I know you said you had three great shows four great shows and like it's something I'm not I don't really do crowd work but like it was just I did a good job of like there was a crowd member

who was angry that they were out of something at the kitchen and he was bringing it like and they were very talkative people and like I handled it better than I have before like I was able to really just go

where they were going and sometimes go what are you angry about well they don't have the fucking pizza listen but they have the rice balls because you're a chubby dude you talk to the menu what do you want and go you know what if there's a problem

give them the rice balls on me and right away the guy won't know what to do his attitude changes when you're in the green room even when nobody knows you somebody's not going to know some guy wants to see it he's going to come back there

remember when Black Lives Matter took over Redondo Beach white people walking black people's feet Oh, yeah. You ever see that video? Yeah, that's terrible. You got to come in and just kneel and wash your feet because you took the anger. See, everybody wants to get into a fucking bidding war with an heckler.

There's nothing in that. Right. There's nothing in that. Well, they heckled me. They heckled me because parts of you act were weak. Right. Oh, yeah. Now, you have to see what the motivation is.

They heckled you because they're drunk. They have to you because they're high on Coke. They heckled you because when they're on Coke, they can't shut the fuck up. So now they bring it to the show. And now mentally they become part of the show. Or they're angry because their wives brought them there. Or they're angry in general. Right.

Each way, if you get into a shouting match, you're going to ruin their experience. Because you wanted to prove to him that your dick was bigger than his. And sometimes let him know his dick was bigger than yours in the weirdest way. Like, dog, you don't even yell. You just go over it and go, hey, you're embarrassing your wife. Oh, my God. That's a good one. That's a good one.

Whisper. Don't yell it. Okay. Show him the respect to whisper to him in front of his wife. Even though you're taking the microphone down from your mouth, the microphone's going to pick it up. Right. A little bit of it.

And he's going to look into your eyes. And you're not going to go up to him and go, respect you fucking wife. No. Listen, you're embarrassing your wife, all right? Knock it off. And wink at him. And she'll hit his leg.

Nine of the ten, she'll go, like, rub his leg. And now you took away everything he was going to tell you. Right. If he's after that, fuck you, you fat fuck, you juke, security, he takes him out.

Because you were a gentleman. But if you inside him, right. I'm seeing a lot of habits. tape. A lot of young comics and older comics putting up a lot of crowd talk. I'm not paying 20 bucks to see you do crowd work. Right.

I'm getting a babysitter to see you do crowd work. Stop putting it up on your fucking Instagram because every time I look, that's what I see. I'm not going to see you. Right. I'm not going to see you. I want to know what you think about fucking what's going on right now. What's going on in your house? What's going on in your life?

I'll pay the 50 bucks for people. parking. But if I'm going to go down there that's what's going to happen now. People are going to use their entertainment dollar. They have YouTube, you know, people hear you from the podcast, but people are angry right now. You don't want somebody pulling a piece on you, do you? No, and I've been very lucky. I haven't really had too many angry ones. I have, like, the ones I had this weekend were like, they were just happy to be there.

And it was, but they wanted to chat a little bit. And it made, like, I used to like, claim. And that's a very rarity. I remember those nights. Listen. Oh, they were great. People call my dear friend, Ricky Cruz, a night that we all learned a big lesson.

We got forced to work Easter Sunday. They told us the club was going to close, but they said they had a bunch of reservations. They said they'd give us like an extra hundred bucks. I had a line, I don't know. There must have been 48 people on there on Easter Sunday. The show started at 7.30. We didn't leave there until me.

Midnight was when I got off stage. Four comics went up. It was one of the best shows I ever saw in my life that I was a part of. Never mind festivals and all this bullshit. This was real comedy. On a Sunday night, we had a girl to go up there and take a top off and fucking do magic. It was insane. It was insane.

We'll get Ricky Cruz on the podcast. My friend from Miami to come on and tell some of those early stories of what. early. Like, you know, Sunday night in Miami, people watching the dolphins. Right. They're not watching the dolphins.

They're watching the fucking Marlins or, you know, it's April. They're out on the boat. They don't want to go see comedy on the Sunday, especially three unknowns. It was one of the best shows, Lee.

I remember the girl took off atop, and her boyfriend was there, and everybody, I mean, everybody was happy. Even the boyfriend, they showed him the dance, and she was doing magic tricks.

On a Sunday night, who just, who thinks so, woman's going to go up on stage and show do magic tricks, topless. I've never seen that. Yeah, it was fucking. I hate magicians, put on that. I was all fucking,

I had binoculars everywhere, you know what I'm saying? You're the biggest fan, that's crazy. Yeah, you don't know. So always go in there with an open eye. You never fucking know. Right. I was seeing, I saw a clip earlier of this, I think, I don't know if it was a Richard Pryor

documentary or the store documentary, and someone was talking about him he did like a set where he pretended that he talked from like the point of view of him being God and like what he what happened have you seen that yeah i remember i don't remember the footage and i remember the footage i don't remember what came out of his mouth but he was just saying like each time he was like where's jesus and then he finds out that the jesus got uh crucified and then he talks goes through like each person like martin luther king like a bunch of like the best people and what we did to them and he's like you're on your own and oh god

who was being interviewed said, like, he just left and, like, people were crying in the audience. Like, it's, like, just, like, I've never even seen anything, like, all that. I see a lot of, and I hear a lot of rhetoric about the school. And I hear the genius of Mitzie Shaw. And I think about me, and let's get to it right now, because this is going to, you're going to understand now. when you weren't missed these good graces, it could have taken a year to get in there, you keep your nose clean.

Remember, I was in there two years and I started dating my wife. Right. And she was a waitress. So for everybody who was thinking there was a party there, it was a party that I watched because the first people who would find out

were the waitresses and they'd run right to my wife. Oh, of course. There's a misnomer that nobody remembers. I got made a regular at the store in 97. I stayed at the store from 97. to about 98 and a half, and then I had to attack the road.

I had holes in my game. When I came back, I met my wife, the first fucking week I came back. I came back in like June of 2000, and I met her in July 4th of 2000. So after that, my wife was always there.

And the good thing, my wife and I will talk about those times twice a year, and she'll go, because she was there on Tuesday nights. she was there on Wednesday nights she would make her schedule accordingly to mine

oh nice so she worked four nights and I was in town she'd work the weekends then we'd go home together we'd stop at rock and roll routes okay and that was the store for me but what did you think we did in 2000

when there was 60 people in the audience you got up at 12 Listen, if there were 60 people on the audience at midnight in those days. That's a great night. Yeah. And they've heard everything. And yeah, some people come in at 8 and leave at 9.30. And then you get other people coming.

It's a continuous show. But for the most part, I want you to know if you're going up after 11, assume they've heard everything that happened today. Right. Anything political, anything, you know, any crime, anything anywhere. So now you've got to work from somewhere else. And that's what I think people failed to talk about with Mitchie Shaw. There's a difference about doing comedy and there's a difference between finding a home where you could eat a bag of dicks.

It's not going to matter tomorrow. You're still going to be who you are. And that experimentation is what really, it's like that place you find. It only does comedy on Fridays after midnight. Right. and they get 13 or 14 people in there. Some of them are high and some of them are sober. You have an eclectic bunch, as they say, right in there?

Right. And you go on stage and do you think they want to hear about you eating some of these ass? They don't. So you have a couple of premises on paper. You have a couple fucking closing jokes. In the back of your mind, you're going, I'm hoping there's a guy there with an eye patch.

you know what I'm saying like I follow what I'm saying like I hope there's a drunk chick somebody who gets the party started so we get the vocal and now I can work this other stupidity I got in me and guess what when you go to work to another stupidity you're going to forget it

you're going to have something inside of you you watch the show today I was talking to somebody he said something stupid and I said the ring ginginging is in their phone just out of nowhere what is that from? Yeah, the Pink Panther, the first one.

Oh, second one, not the one with David Nibben. Anyway, you know, he goes, the ring-genging is in their fun. You know, that's stupidity to people. Like, the guy looked at me like, what are you a retard? No. No, fucking the Pink Panther. I'm going to, you know.

And there's nights that that's what you want to do. Right. You want to go up there and have a conversation with your uncle who survived the Holocaust. as fucking nasty as that sounds. It's 12.15. One night you went out, you did mushrooms, and your uncle came to you live from the Holocaust.

And you go 20 minutes on that. Right. You might get a few last, but the next day you're going to gain a strength. Because you went somewhere. And for me, it wasn't saying Hitler jokes. See, I always made a rule of what I. I was going to talk about. Abortion always got, you know, I never saw, I remember being in the

audience at an open mic. Right. Right. The abortion of a, nobody fucking, you just, it's a diarrhea of the mouth. And then I decided I'm not going to talk about Hitler. I was in the audience and saw people like do Hitler jokes. And at that time, I, you know, I didn't know you. I didn't know, Ari. I just, this is how I felt in 1991. You had respect for the Jews. It wasn't there respect for the Jews, I just didn't want to part the room. Right, yeah, good point.

You don't want to part the room. You don't want to go up there and say white people, even though I could say it now because people understand. So I would have to break it down before I break into it. I love white people. My wife is white. Okay? What I'm talking about is you people walk around and, you know, tell me how Tesla's going to save the world. And I got nothing to somebody. I'm just, you know what I'm talking about. Right.

but that freedom that you had at the store on a Tuesday night or at any club, it's not about the store. Let's eliminate that word. When you move here, you're going to do spots at Club A, Club B, Club C. And there's one club. Not a lot of people go there. But for some reason, they get a late crowd. Is it 2,000 people?

No, it's 28. But the owner says stretch. The waiter is still. The waiter's up, but he's got a table stretch. Right. What are you going to do? You already tried all your material. So the first five minutes, you try the material that bombed, that Club A and Club B,

and now you've already on the train or on the walk, you've polished that up. And now you can just go. Oh, yeah. How long do you think it will take to get? Like, I've never had, like, a home club. A home club, you'll know. I don't know. You'll know when you get there.

You know, it's like, I've had like 20 home clubs. But I'm going to tell you why I tell you this story. Because all this Jewish stuff started one night at Sal's club. Mm-hmm. One night I was at Sal's on like a Thursday night. The one on Melrose. Right. And it was like, it was like 35 people in the audience.

But the lineup was all Jewish. Right. And they were saying some fucking crazy things. I don't know what year this was. And I remember going up in the middle, I had a spot somewhere, and I had a spot the improv, you know. And I just went up,

I did like three jokes. They ate a bag of dixly. And I just went into why I thought I wanted to be Jewish. And I just ripped. Nothing was organized, nothing was written. I looked at these Jewish people,

comics that night that were there and I'm like, look at this fucking privilege hook face, cut. Look at Ari, look at this guy. You know, and then I started to, you know, they were all, some of them were New York, Ari, no disrespect to anybody. This is comics.

And I remember going up there and Ari's saying, you got to say that shit more. I didn't have the balls. It happened that night. Right. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, it happened that night. We'll leave it there. You never tried it and like it didn't work or like you just didn't try it ever again? Like I said, the first eight minutes I was going nowhere.

The last whatever, it was just me slowing the pace, dropping my guard, taking a deep breath at this point. They're thinking you're just going to get off the stage. You've already bombed so hard. Now you've got to take it to the next level. If they're going to hate you, they're going to hate me. Oh, no. I'm like, you know, I don't want to be Cuban no more.

Who are heroes? Desi Arnaz and Tony Montana. Fuck that. Oh, my God. Since I'm seven years old. You know, that line in Goodfellas, ever since I was a little boy, I wanted to be a gangster.

Right. Again, a pause. Ever since I was a little boy, I want to be fucking Jewish. And not like these little faggy Jews walking around today. I just attacked that other. Oh, if I would do. And they loved it.

Even the Jews were clapping. They were loving it. And I got on stage and I was like, I'm not going to work ever again in Hollywood. And Ari called me that night. He goes, oh, my God. The fuck, did you write that? I go, no.

I just saw all you motherfuckers hanging out of drive. So I figured. That's why. And how long was this set? Like 15 minutes? No. Like 12 minutes. It's just pure.

this is God talking to Richard Pry. Wow. What would fucking Netanyahu say to you? What would the Palestinian leader say to you? What would? And it's going to make people uncomfortable, but it's you bleeding your heart out. I don't want a fucking war.

I mean, I don't mind smacking a couple of you people. It's just to keep them intrigued. But you really want your heart in a different way. Bro, that's with growth. You want to grow as a comic. Right. It's right there. Anybody could do theaters and jump up and down.

But that type of finding, you'll see it, Lee. It might not be a comedy club. It might be a fucking bar. Lower East Side. Like the bartender loves you. And he's like, hey, we do, you're bigger than this. But if you ever want to work on material, come by, we've got a nice cheeseburger.

It's two blocks from your house, maybe four. in your house. He's there every night from 10.30 on. They got steak fries. Ooh. Jukebox. That's all I need. I'm so excited to start a show.

I'm just excited to like, do all of that stuff. There's my dog live in New York and shit. Oh, yeah. It's going to be amazing. It's, and that's what I think, you know, I made a lot of mistakes in L.A.

But, like, I'm going to New York. Like, I feel like very focused. If you think you made mistakes, look at me. Everyone makes mistakes, but... Who gives a fuck? You know, from making mistakes to the only way you're going to learn. You're not going to learn from everything falling on your lap.

Oh, look at this. A deal. Oh, look at this. A naked woman. You know. Why not? Some people that feel like it happens. Listen, man, we pay for everything.

Oh, yeah. And that's it. I got to go. I'm going back to Delaware. Love you, buddy. No, I'm not going back to Delaware. Oh, Jesus. Are you fucking...

What's the matter with you? I can sell you anything, you fucking Jamokia. What's the matter with you? Look at you. You have me take animals. It's like B-B-1 in the Academy Award. You're a little big little... What do you got to?

You didn't even tell me your shows coming up. What is it? I got very, very exciting shows this weekend. Oh, my goodness. Tell me. I'm honored to headline Nick's Comedy Stop in Boston. Friday, Saturday. Oh, shit.

When did you get this date? Like, six, seven months ago. Okay. I think you got it today. No, no. I got it, like, I got it a while ago. What kind of food Nick's got? I don't know if Nick's has.

Nick has a great bar. The bar staff is great. I did it last year. I opened up for somebody. But it's just. Now I'm headlining. Very cool. And now we're going to

rags to riches. I would love that. But no, it's really cool. I'm excited. I'm fucking nervous. Are you going to open up? I'm nervous. I know.

Can I record that for the opening? What? You sing in that song. Sure. Whatever you want. What does I say to you? You better get excited about those four stories. That's all you're going to get excited about.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Those fucking shoes to bounce. Remember those shoes years ago that you go back and forth? The moon shoes or something? You better go on Amazon and see if some guy donated them. I'm going to start keeping a tally of how many times you bring up these fucking stairs. You're trying to make me so scared of the stairs. But you don't understand.

You don't remember who I am. Right now, I am just a bored old man at home thinking of ways to torment you in New York. Every time I mention the four stories, it's going into your subconscious. Stop doing that. I don't want to, I like this apartment. I'm not even there yet. A night before you're ready to move. for two nights

you're gonna do an edible smoker joint and you're gonna go home and the whole world's gonna come crash on you you're gonna wake up in the middle of the night go four fucking stories I have a hard time going to the bathroom you know when the restaurant

and like the bathroom is far away do you get mad? Yes. Yeah. Of course, who doesn't? I mean, you want to far away, but... I went to a great fucking restaurant and whatever, Finns

in Delaware. The bar tenter. Mike, the kid, everybody were there was cool. But I had to go up and down the stairs for the bathroom. Here's when it got better. We had one-man bathrooms. Oh, no.

The first night, I'm staying up there. I just went out there and took my dick out and looked around like I was looking for birds. And I went out, now I'm pissed. I got pee on my hand. I got to go up and eat the fucking crab cake. It's going to be a pea crab cake. I go upstairs. I drink another ice tea.

10 minutes I got to pee again. I go down, here's an home man with his grandson. That's not going to work, Grandpa. I just went right around him. He's like, where are you going? I go, go ahead, take the bathroom. I went out there, took the human egg roll out. Again, I look for birds on the south side of Delaware now.

It's down like four or five times. Why are you going to pee so much? Why? Why are you going to pee so much? Because I'm 61, and everybody, every time I go to doctor, he tells me I got to hydrate. And two minutes later, I'm flying.

I'm peeing like a fucking guy, you know. Before the show started tonight, I drank a whole water. Okay. And I mixed coconut water with ice and put in a blender to make it smooth. Very nice. You know how I do it. That should, listen, green tea, water and coconut water fucking hydrate you the best. And liquid IV, but we'll talk about that next week, all right?

I love your talk suckers. Have a great week. Go see Lee Syatt Friday night. at Nick's comedy stop. In Saturday, but fine. We get ready for the fourth and third quarter. It's over. Don't believe the hike.

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