The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Joey Diaz is a year away from diapers

Episode Date: October 16, 2024

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt why he is looking forward to wearing diapers, swallowing 100 sticks of gum in 20 minutes, and one thing Joey wishes he had done that he never got to do during his comedy career. Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Liquid I.V. order. Press in code JOEY at https://www.liquidiv.com Support the show and get 50% off your Diet Smoke order. Just press in code JOEY at https://www.dietsmoke.com Support the show and download the DraftKings app with code JOEY. New customers get $200 in bonus bets when they bet $5!

Trying to fucking make it work. You know what I'm saying? I'm not the most handsome geyser on the planet, but, you know. You love calling yourself. Pimping ain't easy, but it sure is fun. You follow me, guys? So, let me shut this phone off

because now all my fucking friends will call me now. I'll get the sudden nerves to think about me at 703. Oh, Jeopardy Zon. Let me bother Uncle Joe. Don't fuck yourself. Do they bother you during Jeopardy, too? I don't watch Jeopardy

I get out of the fucking house Whatever I got something to do Like I love torture people Like I told you I'm too old to fuck around If I call you and you don't pick up the phone Or call me back within three or four Take a breathing Don't worry about it.

Okay You need to talk It wasn't that important What do you mean? Don't call me back 18 times And that's what I'll do you I'll let you keep calling back and back and back And you lose your mind

I got like three pigeons I just call them all the time. And right before they pick up, I hang up. And then all day, I got to fucking call me back. You know what I'm saying? Did they ever leave you messages? Like, why aren't you picking up? What's going on?

What's going on? I called you. I was at work. Well, go back to work. It's over. I'll be tomorrow now. I'm old. I don't have the time for this shit.

What are you going to be fucking with people on the phone now? You're doing like, prank calls. I've been working for years. It's work time. You know, I ain't got time for this shit. You're sitting there all day fanning. your pussy and you want to call me at 8 o'clock to pitch me a show about Martians. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. So the retaliation. It has been

and it was good for, listen, let me tell you what happens in my world. Nobody knows who I am. Nobody bothers me. Nobody wants to do nothing until I book a date at a ping pong tournament. And then the fucking, the hell break loose. People want me in their projects that aren't going to happen. You know what I'm saying? It's not real projects. It's all air. Right. Good man, a long time. I got this room and fucking listen, take that room, take a picture, and keep you

know, I can't do nothing for you. Are you not listening to me that I'm not getting on a fucking plane to go anywhere right now? I'm holding. Do you have them send you pictures of the room? That would be fantastic. Send them a bunch. I put them through the mill. Give me the closest hotel

perimeters, churches. You know, if you're going to be that stupid, because I've been saying it for years. I don't want to get on a fucking plane right now. I'll let you know when I want to get on a fucking plane and then you can invite me to your club until then. Listen, I don't care if Jesus is dad.

It's got nothing to do. I'm trying to raise a daughter. I got a nice schedule here going. I'm trying to get out of my health. What do I give a fuck about your club? Bouncing. That's great. I got a ball that bounces outside too. Yeah, and are you getting like all these offers from like the northwest or like California?

Like places that like in the line. Everywhere. You know, and I'm very grateful, but you don't understand. It's like the other dad went to lunch. Now, I'm not eating like I used to. Right. So I'll eat at 8 in the morning or 7 with my wife, and then I won't touch a meal until 3.

If anything, I'll do a protein shake to hold me over, but the smoothie shoots me up, and now I'm hungry, and I'm hungry for a meal, you know? Right. So it's fucking 2 o'clock. It's not lying to you. It's 20 to 2. And I got to be home by 245, and I got a 15-minute travel window.

Okay. I got to get out of there at 2.30. And I don't want to do that. I don't want to drive like the cops are chasing me. I want to drive like a normal human. Just give me my fucking food. I walk in there. There's four people.

There's one of my favorite joints now for lunch. Okay. I walk in there fucking the best chili in the world. I got a bowl of chili and a web salad. That's what I'm down to these days. There's no entree in my lunch anymore. It's an appetizer and a bowl of soup. Not bad.

I get the wedge with a couple pieces of bacon in there for protein, a blue cheese salad to keep my fucking nuts intact. You know, I got rashes and shit. But my nuts is good. What I'm saying? I'm sorry, what's good? I got lost on I got rashes and shit. I got rashes.

I got, you know, I got fucked up skin. You know what I'm saying? Me too. Not as bad as mine. You just sit in the wrong places. and get the wrong things. I've been sitting in jacuzzi for 30 years. Yeah.

Like an asshole on fire. I was doing things in jacuzis I can't even talk about. You go in a jacuzzi and you get fucking ringworm, your eyes swells up. You had like six months of your eyes. What happened? Hey, ain't shrimp. What happened? I never had a problem before.

It's just like there's something with me. I think like I have like the mush lock around. Like it's just something about you. Like if I'm going to see you that, I can be fine all week. And then that day I'll trip. I'll tell you what it is. You stay at Airbnb's.

I'm going to tell you something right out. Knock on wood. I've never stayed in Airbnb, and I never wouldn't. No? And I'm not asking for, like, names of anything, but, like, I know you've gone away and, like, rented houses.

How do you, do you know how you do it if it's on your Airbnb? The family itself. Okay. I'm not a big Airbnb guy. Oh, they're so. I don't trust it. I just don't trust it. There's been too many cases of cameras and just stupidity.

You know what? I don't need the aggravation. I like a hotel anyway. I want to go downstairs and have a cup of coffee and smoke a joint and relax. And when I'm good and ready, I go get my two eggs with my bacon and my home fries and my seven grain toast. And you better have seven grain toast. I'm not staying at your hotel ever again. Right.

Oh, yeah. You know, it's just that simple. I'm to that point in my life. If I got to get up, a vacation is not me going, and I got to be chef of the future and take garbage out. I'm on vacation, okay? I want to take garbage out on vacation. I'll call the Hilton and get a job for garbage man and sweep and stay in the rooms for free.

Yeah, or the only garbage you want to take out and just put it right outside your door. You don't want to have to, I hate that when you have to leave the Airbnb. Yeah, no, no, no. Does they make you clean up the whole thing? Yeah, what am I, Janet? I paid you money. Listen, I'm not going to paint the walls. shit on the carpet.

But things are going to happen. Possibility. So pick them up. I'm going to leave a nice little turd stain in the toilet that's in my because I don't put my dick in the toilet. I always push the seat. So I always got a little stain of something. The other day, dog, the other than that, I got so high.

I ate up. Listen, I'm too old. I don't have time to fuck around with people in my personal life and how I eat. So, when I go to Wawa now, my favorite thing at Wawa, I don't get the smoothie no more. get none of that sugar shit. If I'm sugar in my body, I go for broke.

You know the gumballs with the gumball, the gunball, whatever, the fucking lollipop? The frozen thing with the gumball at the bottom? Yeah, but they have like a cherry one, a watermelon one, a green apple one, and something else. Okay.

I was hooked on those for a while. Like, if I noticed to get a long trip, I got to buy like three of them at a fucking restaurant. And I always stop at the cellar cruise restop, and I get like three or four of them and a coconut little fucking icy that are tremendous. And then on the way back, I can't wait to get the

Sali Cruz because they got the fresh one. Like I got the Arabs up the corner. They got blowpops. But the motherfuckers, they're like jawbreakers. I'm missing the tooth. I got to go to the dentist because I bought one one one day. Solid is the rock of Gibralti. You got to sit there. I'm 51. I ain't got done. My jaws ain't that strong.

So guess what they make now? What's that? They just sell you the blow pop that's in it. They eliminate the fucking crushed. You don't got to suck a lollipop. If you're recovering cock-sucker, you're back. You can blow pop again, right? Congratulations.

Now you're hooked on these? They sell them in the tent pop. So it's two cherries, two watermelon. Oh, yeah. Going there, you buy a pack. Spoke a number, you go for a ride, and you pop one at a time. Not me. I got so involved, I started swallowing.

Right? No, you want. You know, I'm like a fucking idiot at heart. So after about the 10th one, right? After about the 6th one, I swallowed. I go, I eat at myself, I go, Joey, I'm not 10 anymore. I can't be swallowing bubble gum. And I didn't eat the last four. I saved them for the next day and I didn't swallow.

But anyway, I had six fucking gumballs. And like the next day or the day after, I don't know what happened. One of those days I was taking shit. And I don't have my glasses. So I'm hitting the toilet and there's like little skid marks. And finally today I go on there with my glasses on. There was a gumball in there. Like the gum came out.

It was just a little and it was coated with little brown shit like a little, I could have sold it to Kraus's. They could have, like chew this gumball. You just spawned like a pill. It's one came out. I'm all right. I'm like a Colombian waiting. I'm like a Colombian mule waiting like Michael Chandler

to the next gumball comes out. You know what I'm saying? But that means you didn't chew it. That you didn't do anything with it. It didn't even make it to your mouth. I'm popping the gum balls and swallowing them. They're fucking delicious, right? When after the six, I go, where'd that gum ball go?

I keep swallowing. Holy shit. So how often do you eat gum? I only go there like twice a week. That's my cheat. Like on a good night. Yeah, but that's 20 things of gum a week that you're swallowing. No, no, no, no, no.

just that particular night. Okay. I bought myself swan them because I was so high and I was hungry. You know, you get all emotional and shit. You're like, because when you're a kid, you eat those things when your mom beat you up. You ever see a sad kid

with a fucking gumbole, one of those blow pops? He just, his uncle's for a ride. You know what I'm saying? They buy him a blowpop with him. We're going to get two blow pops. Don't say nothing to mom. No. God, Jesus Christ. What can I tell you? Things happen in my world.

Anyway. So you should out of gumball. I love it. I love it. I'm just laughing. What are you laughing about? You shit out of gumball. Oh, tremendous. When I was a kid, nothing came out. One, my ass, like a long piece of double mint gum. Like a piece of paper. Is that the problem? If you swallow bubble gum, your intestine chews it up.

If you buy that generic, like it's not bubble gum, like double man or fucking ghosting, come out of your ass sticky. Like, they're all over the place. You want to wipe your ass. Next thing they got a spider web on your hands and shit. Let's get me. Guys, it's fucking Wednesday, October the 16th I take. Who knows?

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Chi-Chi, Chi-Chi. Turn out your TVs. Run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's who you got to be thinking. Welcome back to church.

Oh, you caught me there for a second. Nah, you know, listen, I got to be honest with you. Like, that night I was pretty paranoid. Because when I was a kid, listen, from the age of 4 to 18, I would buy a fucking double pack of, what's the fruit gum? A fruit, something? Oh, the yellow packet? No, it's got like a bunch of different flavors of fruit. Not juicy fruit?

No. This ain't juicy fruit. This ain't double mint. This is a fucking bubble gum that used to come in a stick and it was like tropical flavors. So let's just pretend you don't know. I would inhale a triple pack on a fucking bus from New York, from Jersey and New York City. And I'm like, I'm made a... That's why I always tell people. I'm a billy goat. I can eat any of that shit. I swallow a fucking gum and they end up in the hospital. I was blowing bubbles in my ass

in Catholic school. You know what? I always Big Red. Oh, I ate something. When I was a kid. Oh, that can't feel good. Oh, when I was a kid, there was a gum called Devil Gum. Red Devil Gum. Okay. My buddy used to buy it by the box because his family had a deli and he would buy gums and

you know, I'm enjoying. That's in the world was simple. I enjoy mounds, M&Ms, and they were all good products in there. Yeah. But it was that good Cuban. radiation sugar. It kept you

bouncing, Jack. Look at these kids today. They eat sugar. They get fucking fat. They don't know. You know. I think, you don't think you would have gotten fat if you had a bunch of candy? Well, it was a different world because we were outside,

Lee. That's true. I'm in fences, chasing people, playing with a ball. Every kid I hung out was in good shape. I gained weight when I was, when I came back from Catholic school. I couldn't play a weight and I couldn't play football and I was so embarrassed because in the fifth grade when I came back to play football you had to weigh 125 pounds or less. And then the upper league was 135 and they were already packed.

So I could, I was always like 130, 131 and I wasn't old enough. And then I played a little bit in Union City at the semi pro. they called the semi-pro was a fucking semi-pro. They didn't give us a dollar. We had to pay the play. So they didn't give us shit. We had to pay like $3 a game for insurance. So what were we talking about?

We were talking about. I had it for a second, too. See, you're all fucked up. I can't trust you. God damn it. I had it for a second. Playing football. You gain weight when you move back after.

Why do you gain the weight as a game? kid wasn't candy. When I came back to Catholic school, all you drank is water all day. I came back to a refrigerator that was my mother owned the bar, and it was three levels of Coke. No, Coke,

Coke, 7-Up. There was no Sprite, nothing like that. It was Coke, 7-up, and something else you drank. Tab, tab. Your tabs, oh, shit. Tab was like a diet soda that was fucking I drank this with a lemon in it.

I drank that shit. You know, when you ran out of Coke, I ain't going to drink water. I never drank water as a kid. Let's get this straight. Once I left capital school, I didn't drink water until about 10 years ago. But we started broadcasting. Unlimited soda at the bar? Like, as a kid, that must have been like the best thing.

Unlimited soda at my house. Oh, yeah, your house too. Jesus Christ. Oh, and you bring the soda home. So she would have Coke. Listen, real Coke, real 7-up, real something. else. And there was something else she bought. We weren't.

I was Mr. Pib type of motherfucker. Ah, shit. Miami. Little did I know it was Dr. Pepper. You know, I was a fucking idiot, just like everybody else. Right. So, and then in the basement was the bottles of soda from the bar. Oh, nice. For every four box cases we

got at the bar, we got a case home. I didn't drink that refugee soda. But when shit got bad, I was down that putting some ice on that. And it was all like the regular shit. Like that Coca-Cola was cola. That 7-Up was like

uplift. It was called. Like they couldn't repeat words, but they would twist it. And they would deliver like 16 bottles, four bottles in each row, and every row had a different flavor. You know? Right. Pop-up. That was the name of their 7-Up.

Pop-ups. And you didn't like it either. I hated this. I hated generic soda. I drank, you know, listen, when I a kid, I was just, I love soda. Yeah. So I was never going to drink anything else. And then I discovered my buddy I was in a band in the sixth grade. Okay. Ray Canella. You met him. He came out of the box. Yeah, I love

Ray. Ray had the fucking thing that really cracked me. As children and as adults, every once in a while you get so caught up in your world, but you taste something that you think you won't like or something, and all of a sudden just go, it just punches you in the face. And you're like, Ray Canella had Kool-Aid, great Kool-Aid,

but his mother wouldn't make it with water. She would shoot club soda in it and spin it around for you with fucking thing. I lost my mind. I made my mother buy me 20. I walked around the house like Dean's. I sprayed it in Kool-Aid, and that didn't help my cause

until I really got into basketball. And then I could see the pound shed, and I started lifting, like, pseudo weights. But until, and then I went on the iced tea kick. You know, every Around the corner from my basketball, there was those 16 ounces for 35 cents, and they were fresh.

We bought it from the fucking thing. Oh, it was real iced tea. It wasn't like in a can. No, it was in a little container, but it was really fresh because we bought it from, this is where the guy would steal them for us. Like, that's where they delivered them, and he would put them on trucks to send them to different bodegas.

So the iced tea, for some reason, tastes a little better around the corner, and the guy charged you like 25 cents instead of 35. Nice. He would play basketball and go over there. He would come to the back door and they'd be like stolen. He'd give us that and a container of milk for your mother. You know, you know the fucking deal.

That's awesome. No, I gained way when I moved to L.A. That was because all the driving, because, like, coming from Boston, I was able to not be super fan because I was walking a little bit. But when I moved to L.A., I would never like it, never walk. It's really weird how weight gains on you. You don't get it.

And then when you go, what the fuck? Yeah. And then you have to really, because we do a lot as, I was just thinking about this, how I went to a kid birthday party last week. Just stopped then, said hello. My daughter hung. My wife hung. Very nice people.

And they have like a 15-year-old. And I was watching this kid eat. Holy fuck. We, generous. I'll take it. Anybody to a restaurant? Not this fucking kid. I was watching this kid eat.

And I'm sitting there, Lee, holding my head, thinking about your mom, my mom, thinking about every mom in America that's single and had to feed us from the age of like 14 to 18. I was watching this kid eat. For a second, I got jealous. But I almost got crying, right? Then I don't want to cry because I was a killer like that at one time. That really bothers you. That really bleat it.

Can't you like that anymore? Oh, this kid was throwing down. He had one of each. And then he put him all together. And then he went back to single dishes of everything. I counted like nine fucking walks. And you know what? That was me.

Nine walks with the dish, not like white people, with a salad. Ha ha ha ha. It weighs three ounces. This motherfucker was packing two pounds on each dish. This is like a bodega in the ghetto. Oh, my God. They're going to get on, get like chicken wings.

There's something people by the pound and shit. It's tremendous. Yeah. This kid was eating. I thought about you. I thought about our parents. I thought about this particular kid going to his house as a young man one day. And his mother saying that I've never seen anything like this.

And I grew up with three brothers talking about her son that I was tight with. And I go, what's it like? And she goes, it starts with a box of cereal. All the egg. all the bacon, all the bread, the milk. He's going through a gallon of milk a day. I'm not saying like there's anything like majorly wrong, but like is there like a medical condition that he doesn't feel full?

No, it's called my dick is growing. I'm getting firm like a nutsack. I'm developing like a fucking animal, Lee. Okay, I've never heard of anyone eating. Did you have a condition that's called, you know, neither than me. No, but a whole box of cereal. I don't know. away from the fucking table, fat fuck.

That's the condition. That's the problem you and I both had. Oh, my God, dude. I was eating peanut butter sandwiches after dinner. And I was thinking about the drug growth hormone. Yeah. It's really big. And I'm like, this is what we have in us.

That, come on, man. I used to eat at two in the morning what most people would eat a day. Go home, go to sleep, and wake up like a fucking, like light, like a dove. I'd wake up and, you know, like Prince's, like, Dobs cry. It was fucking amazing. I have a fucking half a peanut butter and jelly. I'm hung over the next morning. Oh yeah.

You don't feel... I'm not there. You don't feel good if you eat a big meal? That's it. That ship's sailed. Oh, no. That ship sailed. That ship sailed. You see what I eat for lunch. I have a bowl of chili with eight or nine tortilla chips. Okay. It's seven

points for the chili. It's meat and beans. There's like four points for 12 tortilla chips. And then I throw a wedge salad And I put the blue cheese on it And I gotta tell you It's one of the best blue cheese I'm scared to go there and all of the wings

Why? You think it's gonna be too good? Because the blue cheese is so fresh And so good there That I'd fucking hate to go in there And eat the wings I'd be 400 pounds So what would your lunch Would have been 10 years ago

Talk how many times do we go eat Chinese? Oh yeah There was three sets of appetizers There's two entrees and an order of rice. Am I lying? No. Go with me to eat Chinese now. What do you get now?

The entree and white rice. It looks like shrimp and lobster sauce. And what do you feel like, let's say you try to eat like you used to? What would you feel like the next day? I don't feel good. I just don't feel good. My stomach doesn't feel good. I don't think my body digested as quick.

You know, and this is guys, this is for everybody. The decline started for me about 40 with meat. I noticed meat was not my agreeing with me. No diarrhea, no fractals, no, you know, embargo or nothing. I could tell you a bunch of lies. But meat was making me sleep weird and wake up. I don't want to say druggie. I don't want to say like eating edible.

It's a complete different flavor. It's a complete different feeling. You just feel overtaken. Now, meat is good to eat and go to sleep. Don't get me wrong because it works. That's the only reason why you don't want to eat it. Because the protein, the high of the protein level, the more your body has to work to break it down.

It burns calorie. If you eat a steak, while you digest it, you're actually burning calories. So you should eat a steak for lunch? Is that what you're saying? I'm saying like a steak for dinner or something like that, but a steak at 2 in the fucking morning. Like, Doug, listen, I'm a disciple, J.R.E.

That's my brother. have no idea what I saw. And I'm talking 20 years ago. Get whatever you want. I'm getting a 24-ounce tomahawk. You want one of those? No, I'm going to get a tuna fish sandwich. Yeah. I just got a check

from a TV show. Do you want to eat a fucking salad? Or do you want to throw down with this? You know? So, uh, I understand, but I'm just letting young guys know. Look a man. I talk to Italian guys. Italian guys my age. They don't even eat sauce no more.

their feet swell up they get spots like you you know it's a fucking nightmare is it like i'm not obviously i'm not i'm not trying to gain the weight back but like a little part of me is like should i have just been fat for like a little bit longer but like what if i'm gonna if i can't eat when i'm older like i feel bad like not eating that stuff now you don't want to eat that stuff i'm not going to but it's what you're reading what we're reading in those places now is garbage I don't recommend I've never sat here and said to watch this podcast anybody never I watched the Rogan podcast with the surgeon woman and the doctor on there last week okay let's be honest I can be honest with all you guys there's no way I'm

watching the podcast for an hour I don't even watch this piece of shit podcast past 10 minutes okay I'm being honest with everybody when I watch somebody's podcast, it could be 40 minutes and I've had enough. Do you know the Rogan podcast? I listened to it until one in the morning, three hours, two and a half hours straight. Wow. That's so high. I put it on again and wrote notes.

And one in the morning you restarted it? I didn't go to bed until two. And what was the name of the phone? Just shit about food and what they're putting in shit. You know, no testosterone in men. The reason why testosterone is low and guys who dying a heart attacks and it just it was just mind-blowing she went on two rants on there that I had to stop it and go I know this I was there I feel this I have to check it out

you know but anyway this podcast ain't about fat food of dying dieting that you're two fat fucks talking about dieting I just highly recommend that show how was wise guys in Utah really amazing it was such a cool because I like that Like that's one of the ones that all you guys talk about. The girls still working there, Caitlin, Catalina. The one girl is very nice there. If I met you, I apologize for the, but the staff was amazing there. Everyone was super cool there.

Actually, what do you say? Amazing club. Very cool. The audiences were very cool. Friday was not my best day. Friday, I opened up with something too soon. And then the late. the late show Friday I did better

but I was proud of myself because this was like and this was uh the host name was Trey Lamb very funny comic best host I've seen all throughout the country but he closed with something similar to what I usually open with and I thought like it messed me up he didn't do anything wrong but it I so Saturday I switched the order of my stuff to something I've never open with before and it

completely worked so like I was because I didn't, like, I didn't want to bomb at this far. This club was like, this is what you learned. That why would you fucking play a high hand where he just mentioned it? Right. He didn't fuck you up. He got to it first. Right.

No, no. And I told him, like, he, not mad at him at all. Yeah, no, no, no. And this is what happened. That's a great lesson to learn. Because we get to him loved on our jokes. And we think, and you took a chance. It went on the other side.

You adjusted it. You learned. You came back. for the late show how was saturday well that's why i made the switch on saturday and it amazing shows then the first friday shows weren't bad at all but i just wasn't as happy with what i did on like

saturday was really fun saturday was great and it's like a solid city was a cool city very like i've never really it was so quiet dude like everyone was so nice but it was like strange as a city I really enjoyed myself there the first time. Listen, when you're a feature act or MC, they could send you to the hellhole of the country.

That is a great time because you're not at home and you're actually doing what you signed up to do. Later on, you get pickier and, man, I almost got stabbed behind that club. Okay, you know, you didn't know. Your agent didn't know. That's not the club to book you at when they pay in cash. you know what I'm saying? Right.

And it's so exciting. Like I remember, like, sometimes I think of you, like, I still remember going to Houston for the first time to feature for Bobby Slayton. And I was invincible. That night even, I was just invincible. Like, it was such a treat. I still remember going with Joe Rogan to Boston to open up.

Like, I had heard so much about Boston. And here I was, you know. And then you're in Milwaukee. and then you go to fucking... But the Utah thing was greatly because me and you were working together. And I met

the owner at a triple run. This is how life works, guys. Keith, did you get to meet Keith? I don't believe he was there that week. No, he's got Vegas. He's got a bunch of stuff now. Keith is a sweetheart of a guy and a fantastic businessman, as you've seen.

Oh, yeah, it was amazing. He really jumped on the board. about eight years ago and how it started was because the last time I had heard about Keith was at Doug Stanhope's house in 1999. I went to Stanhope's house and there was a letter that he had framed the letter from the city of Utah, the commerce or something like that. You know, one of those letters we have to get Stanhope back on to explain it. Okay.

I want them back in the Chamber of Commerce. Right, okay, gotcha. Abracommer Commer's got so many complaints about Doug Stanhope performing there that he just said, I can't have wild acts anymore. They're just too religious, they're too, whatever.

So it really kind of, and then I heard he was going to be somewhere and I said, say hello to him. And like two weeks later, he contacted me. We started talking, how's it going? And this is like the beginning of the podcast now. And about six months later, I did colloquium. Orumbus or something else.

And we were talking on Facebook. And I go, do me a favor. Pick up your phone. Call me, send me your number. And I go, Doug, what's going on over that? He's like, oh, it's a great club. But I go, it's 2000- fucking 11, 2012, 2012, 2013, and you guys are still running around scared?

Like, the craziest act he had was, Lisa Lampinelli on like Monday nights hidden. Like, you know, and I'm like, dog, you got to be kidding me. Take a chance. Columbus did. And he goes, okay, but I'm not going to pay you. It's going to be a complete door deal, complete. If you bomb, it's on you.

You don't make a dime. The plane ticket comes out of your pocket. I'll cover the hotel. Done. Put the tickets for sale. He put me in a little, in a big room. Okay. He goes, I don't know.

I promote differently. I'm not going to promote you in September, but I've got to be in Texas in August. Okay? So in two weeks out, the room sold out. But by that time, he had lost confidence in me and put a bigger act in the bigger room and put me in the small room.

Oh, shit. When I get that a Thursday night, there's people standing outside one guy with a bomb that I saw it visibly. And I go, what is it? second, where am I? Utah, Salt Lake. There's a guy out there with a bun. And then afterward, he had a pound of weed.

They had edibles. This was not what you thought about. You know, I would watch these shows and see this. But I knew they did the festival there. Oh, the film festival. Sundance. So I knew something had to be happening there. Enough with being scared.

And dog, you know, next thing you know, a towel booked it. A bunch of a started book. And I went back like three or four times. it's a Friday and Saturday, right? You're not going to sell a ticket there on a Sunday. I don't care. They had a shutdown a UFC one time on a Sunday.

Really? They sold six tickets on a Sunday. A UFC? Holy shit. About 10 years ago. Yeah. They didn't have a Sunday show, but I think they might have Thursday shows. And they have, but that small room is pretty cool.

It's tremendous. That's a perfect room. And the big one was great too. And now he's got Vegas. He's got something else. He's got one in the Valley. I don't know. I have to go on the website.

But he does a great job. He really jumped on the wagon with the future of comedy instead of running around scared. So I give him props for that. And I'm happy as club is fucking booming. And if I ever go out there, I'll jump off the helicopter and go see my boy, whether it's Vegas or whatever. You know, but right now I'm just focused on Thanksgiving.

I'm focused. Tomorrow city winery tickets go on sale for November 12. I got a Tuesday night in the city. I don't know if you're in town. I love you. And just get my shit together, little by little. I feel good.

Everything is good. My ears still fucked up. I'll find out about the cancer on fucking this week. They just took a ball out to see what the fuck it was. You don't tell people shit. Why would I tell you? I don't want a depress, I'm supposed to be bringing your joy.

It's supposed to be... Says who? Not everyone's always a joy. I don't mind sharing the Bucidum story. I want people to know you can't swallow bubble gum. You know what I'm saying? And don't be surprised if you're finding that a piece of paper. And it's funny because a couple of weeks ago,

I went to wipe my muffler and it was a little soggy and there was a little ball in there. I go, maybe that was a piece of blue cheese or something. Now I'm thinking it was the bubble gum. So my intestines are working. That's the good. I'm glad that mystery is solved. What are you?

How long was that bothering you for? What? You didn't know what it was. It didn't bother me. I just wrote it off. At least it came out. There was no blood on it. There's nothing to worry about it.

Maybe sometimes you sneeze, a little something comes out. You don't know. But I didn't know. To be honest, I think I went to sit down and couldn't poop. And I just did a wipe. And I go, what the fuck is this? And it was just a little surprised.

Hey, I'm 61. I'm a year away from diapers. I'm proud. I can't wait to wear diapers and just rip. You're not going to wear a diaper. You bet your fucking ass. At 63? Well, I don't know.

I'm just getting to the point. I'm sick of changing underwear. I just want to rip the diaper off and rinse like a fucking dog. And come out. I got to get like one of those wheelchair showers, like the dick area, just to shower at the same time. That's why I always like going Las Vegas, because you got showers pointing at you from all angles. It's like a fucking cabber.

You can put one for your armpit. Sometimes your left armpit smells and your right armpits cool. I don't know what it is. Something biological. Are you going to be on a wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair shower? Because it's lower. That shower.

If you're like a wheelchair, like a wheelchair accessible or you're like a part-time midget, You ever knock on the door? They got the fucking peephole. You're going to bend over and you throw your back out before the show. Like, why am I there? And they tell you, we were sold out. That's the only room we have.

Then you go in the shower and they got a bunch of straps and shit. You ever go into one of those showers? They got straps so the person could launch themselves and sit. Now you're looking around because you think they're trying to cripple you too. Maybe they let the pay up a thing of soap

on the ground. Next thing you're crying like, Uncle Junior that you break your fucking hip. You know how scared I am? I'm going to break my hip. I take a shower now with like a fucking thing on. You know, those little things? I stole it from mercy. Like the little thing? You're going to be? Where to the beach?

Like a preserver? Yeah. I fall. I'll just bounce. I ain't stupid. I'm smart. I'm not going to tell you. I'm fucking told anybody that's not like I have a joke about it, but I'm not going to do the joke. I promise. Josh Wolf I know always puts you in the fucking Handicap room

Yeah that's what you do The beginners Handicap room Put them in the magician's room Give me the room The guy committed suicide Put him in there And put a noose under the bed

So he just I was highest fucking one of them And I didn't know Like the toilet seat was raised Oh yeah Like I pissed my pants I was taking a shit and go and pee And it just went right because it was like a super raised

Seat. So yeah, like now every week Is that what people do? Do you ever fuck with your features like that? With you, yeah, because you know, you deserve it. But nobody else, you know. It's funny, you look at that toilet and you can see a chubby dude scoot on to the toilet and he's got to look at it and think about it. and he's got his shit and he's got anxiety

and also he's like push me over push me over he's got to do that little jumping shit and got on the toilet he goes that guy I bet that I was that fat dude anyway speaking of fat dudes let's take a fucking

a little commercial break I want to talk to you about draft kings and what's going on over there I'll see you in two minutes cock suckers listen up guy Uncle Joey here it's time for you to do a little touchdown because Draft King's Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL, is here to get you in on the action this football season.

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Please play responsibly on behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas. 21 and over, age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus beds expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.com. FT Ball. We're back, Jack. Listen, you guys know I'm a Cuban Jew and I can't tell you something. I didn't even have to go on the computer. Once I'm off camera, everything comes back to me, Lee. We were talking about that bubble gum. I got an interesting story. It's called fruit stripe. And it was 99 slices and a pack. I would put three in my mouth at a time. Like I would take like, remember, the whole pack of different flavors. The thing was a zebra with different

stripes. I would take the three grape ones, open them up. They had like riddles. in there. I don't read no riddles, all right? The banana ones and the cherry ones and the blueberry ones and I eat the whole fucking thing. And then I'd end up in the city bartender. I never forget, I was eating all those fucking gums. About an hour late, I drank

club soda. I was a big fan. Club soda dude. It did something to my stomach and I started fart and it smelled like every piece of fruit in that fucking package. Like, I smelled with a cherry fart, then I smelled like a lemony fart. I'm like, fucking fruit strike. That was it.

Well, guys, because the one part we didn't mention is we were talking about it, and then you were eating this 100-stick pack of gum and a 20-minute bus ride from New York. This wasn't like a day. This wasn't over a week. This was in 20 minutes, and you're just shuffling down gum. And I would stop at Port Authority, get my hot dog with onions, get one of those fucking sticks what do you call that

Hanal sticks, halal and I get like a Coke and once I inhale that I'd walk to work on 54th Street inhaling three at a time just littering the streets like the mayor just like fucking who cares three of the time. But at the time I got to work

all the gum was done but I thought you were telling me that you after you ate 100 pieces of the gum Then you ate a hot dog with extra onions. No, in the middle. In the middle. Okay, that is important. New York, I always made the left.

And I went to the corner around 40 seconds. I walked out into the beautiful sun. Thank you, Lord, for getting me into the city. Now don't get me stabbed. I go to the corner. And I get my hot dog, maybe two, a pincho, a steak on a stick, the halal on the stick, with a piece of Italian bread.

And then the guy's got the Franks hot sauce. You put it on that meat. Listen. let me explain something to you. When you're broke and you're young and you're optimistic, that's a meal. I knew I was eating a cat or a dog or a lamb.

I knew it. You know, you know it. Lamb's okay, though. It was like lamb mixed with something else. It's not like the lamb, you get at like, the restaurant where it comes on a hoof. Some lamb from fucking, God knows where. Somebody's yard, they just hunted them down

in the middle of the night in Brooklyn and chopped them up. They marinated them a little. And it's not bad. Like, I don't, I've never shit blood from those bean shows. Well, that's good to know. Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ. We can't talk about it. We can cut it if you want. Can we talk about that cool new ball and gun? Yes. I can even show it to them. But then no color sound. There's no color sound.

Oh, yeah, you know, you're probably like, can we talk about it or you don't even talk about it? I'll talk about it to you. Listen, is, it's called the Hatachi, whatever, right? I don't fucking know. And because, guys, he just was calling me when I was on the road this week, and it was just, like, it sounds like the coolest bong ever. We can't show it, but it just sounded super cool. Like, it was like, I've never. This is it right here.

to Hokoki. And you hit it five times, one, two, three, four, five. It turns to blue. And then you adjust the lighting for the lasers. But here's the biggie of it. Here's what makes you feel like a doctor, okay? That you could just sit there, keep pressing this button, you keep hitting it got a long hose. Oh, it can I have the hose? Dong-i-i-i-i-i-you-can zap yourself to death. It's like a red light. Now, listen, I'm honest with you guys because, you know, I'm a consumer just like you.

Friday, because I got it like last week in the mail. But I opened it up, and I knew I just don't have the brains to even know what that is. And then I sat there another day. me open it and check it out and read the instruction. Yeah, you know, I'm no five-based. I don't have the brain. I don't know what you mean.

Yeah, listen, it's not going to work out for me. I already know I'm going to have to involve my wife. And what my wife sees that hole, she isn't going to like it. She needs just like fucking a harem down here. She don't want to see a hose or a blow torch. She's still from Tennessee, and she's a Christian. She understands, I go outside, and I do what I have to do. From time to time, I eat a little edible.

But once she sees a hose, it scares her. Right. Yeah. It's fair. You don't like fire. My wife don't like hoses. You know what I'm saying? I had no idea about either of those things.

Well, now you know. Okay. The first time I did it, guys, I did it just to the tea. I plugged it in for an hour, 45. I left it in there for like three hours. Why fuck around? It was ready to go. I filled the water.

I cut it. I put it in a little. compartment and I hit it and I kept hitting it. You know, you don't meet dog. I'm a gorilla and it's little bits and it's cleaner like it doesn't smell and I'm burning and I'm hitting and I'm hitting I'm hitting. I went in the shower. Okay. So I went upstairs, took my clothes off, I went in the shower because I had to go somewhere. Do you know while I was shaving? I cut myself under here. Oh no. The scab while I was shaving that night.

It's a little cut right here. Okay. And when I went to work my face, I saw blood on my hand, and I didn't faint. Whatever high this gave me the first time, took it to a different level. Listen to me, I started sweating in the shower profusiously. Oh, no. Yeah, it was one of those highs. I had to come out of the shower, dry myself off, and I was still sweating.

I just stood there and I felt like I couldn't even breathe. I was very euphoric but at the same time it had just attacked my central nervous system. I was fucked up, Jack. And I brushed my teeth. I did what I had to do. I put my underwear's on. I put my rash cream on.

And then I realized how fucking high I was. So what do you think I did? Take another ball on hand. With out of respect for Yom Kippur. I sat there but this time I put like moon rocks. in it and Kesarasa Raab dust and the whole fucking thing.

And I hit it like three times, Lee, I had to get in the car and get out of here. I could breathe. I had to leave with the inhaler. I was inhaling all the way through my neck with sunglasses on. Why do you drive away to be on the inhaler? What? Why are you driving away? Because I couldn't sit here anymore. Like the walls were, I sit alone in my store, in my four-started room, staring at candles. I can't sleep. I toss and turn. Candle sticks in the diet.

This is a body being burned. Four walls just staring at a brother. That's what I feel like. Okay. Okay. All right. Once you start hearing that song, it's time. No. I sit alone. I sit alone in my something room staring at candles. Then the music comes in. At night I can't sleep, I tossed and turn. Candle sticks and the dark visions of body being burned four walls just staring at her brother that's the ghetto boys out of Houston, Texas.

I wonder if we're going to get flagged for that. What's that, brother? No. I sang a song. I just did. It's a pretty good movie. Yeah, if I fucking put the, if I brought the whole band in here and did a fucking whole thing, then with no danger. But I just did four songs.

You know, what are you going to do? I think it will be okay. Yeah. But I'm feeling good. Where are you this weekend? You're always somewhere. You're the man. You got the pad in New York to be somewhere.

Thank God nobody gets your address. Thank God I was a thief when I go. Because if I listened to the podcast, listen, if I was a thief. Why are you asking people to steal for me? All these comics would have gone robbed. You're telling me where you're going. You know, family. I know about the dog.

I know how to poison them. You know, the whole thing. Well, I don't have my schedule next to that the end of this year and thankfully got busy. This Thursday, I'm with Jim Florentine. What do you say? How many milligrams you do today? 100. Oh, you didn't.

Yes, I did. What do you mean? This has to end. I pulled the mushrooms out of the freezer. The guy sent me a warning that people that eat these mushrooms, hair starts growing. So that's good. You need a couple strands.

Oh, good. We'll grow it out and put like a little dragon on there, like a little cream. Don't it? Why would I want a few strands to come out that long? What's that? Why would I let a few? That looks terrible. A few strands that just gets super long? Yeah, like a fucking Chinese guy. We'll put a little thing in your head. When you pop out of the days, you whip around, you call yourself a Japanese Jew. Whatever, a twist. You know what I said?

There's a very nice door guy who has that at the store. Well, that's okay, but he's like from Cambodia or something like that. It don't count. You know, the judge. What are it doesn't count? Oh, my God. Those mushrooms sound fucking scary as shit. Those what?

Those mushrooms sound scary. Let me just. I'm with Jim Florentine. You love Jim Florentine. This Thursday, Laugh, Boston. I went to his fucking nieces. I love his dog. I love the Jim Florantine family.

Yeah. Four brothers are like my, I talked to them on the side. I talked to Jimmy. I talked to one brother. He's my fucking attorney. you know the other guy's my bitcoin the other guys my fucking realtor information they're tremendous that's the crime family you don't have to pitch me on jimmy and his family oh no i just i just i i'm where i was this again when i ship by them i feel like family like they're my family one of the

best families ever ever four years later still love him more than when i met him four years ago oh he's been great to me this is the second time i've over it's a fucking uh it's just something different what they have And I'm happy to be, you know, that they invite me to their functions. I got to go to their Halloween party where you're dressed up as a dead celebrity. Who are you going to be? You don't want to know. Anyway. Okay.

I'm going to be the prime minister of fucking the one that they threw the bomb entry. I mean, the whole thing. You know, the whole fucking, anyway. As soon as you said, prime minister, like, this cannot end good. There's not going to fry minutes and there's going to be a lot of young kids there. So I'm going to let them eat them mushroom and just put them in the shop when they see me, Doug.

Holy shit. I would love to see a picture of that. Why am I going? Netting Yahoo on New Year's Eve. You know what I'm saying? There's Netanyahu and there's Netanyahu on Yom Kippur. Two different animals. He's looking for an optimistic leader.

You know. he had a good New Year's. But anyway, we won't get into that. There's a lot of political activists that watch the podcast. Oh, yeah. I think I've been called a Zionist and shit. I don't know even know what it means. Just leave me alone. I'm just trying to make stupid jokes here. People, listen, you need to read the Cora.

I don't need to read nothing. All right. Leave me alone. This is just a joke. It's Saturday. You know, Saturday. We'll take the day off from saving the world. What's the big deal? All right? It's fucking Saturday.

at the gym, I'm getting high. I'm on the bike doing his workout, doing like 30 seconds at 10. And also I'm thinking about, I'm what? No, CNN was on on the TV. And I see that he bombed whatever, Lebanon, and he went after I ran. And I'm like, wait a second. It was just Yom Kippur. Now, again, that doesn't surprise me.

You know what I'm saying? They thought they'd be jumping up and nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. We're still going to keep you at bay, even though whatever. Jewish slaves. I don't know what happened. I don't want to know. You know, you're a great mind. So, in my mind, there was a couple of Jewish people at the gym, and I said, I go, Netanyahu knows how to get the party started. I got that at the gym. I just got fired up at the gym. You know, me, you smoke a joint. Next thing, you know, you're trying to deadlift 300 pounds, and you remember you're fucking a fat fuck. What am I doing? I'm going back to the bicycle. I'm going to go to those ropes for 30 seconds. You know what I'm saying? You over there and hide in the corner. Were you friends with the Jewish people or these? Such an advocate of working the fuck out.

Because once you become a feature headliner, and Lee, I love what you do, the walks, but you got to be high on those walks and put music on to open up everything. You're thinking of comedy now. When I go to the gym, I put the earphones on, not because I'm arrogant. There's some days like Saturday,

I went in there with earphones. That was the first time in like two weeks. You know, but there's a lot of people who wear the earbuds. I don't want to be that guy. So I just keep it light on the bike. You can't do the exercises I do with the thing on. You're swinging kettlebells. The thing flies off your head.

And my ears are shaped weird. I got beautiful fucking the new ear pod. Somebody sent me. I can't put it in my ear. You know, I got to put it. I don't know what they're going to do. I don't know if they're going to replace the ear or put a fake fucking whatever. I ain't even worried about it.

I'm 61. What do I need an ear for? You know what? Enough is enough. You know? Take the fucking thing out, put a little tube in there. I don't care what you're putting there anymore. I'm down to one ear.

I can't wait until that one goes. So I can just nod for real. Like, that's when I get the sign. Don't talk to me. I'm deaf. It's over. Okay? If you don't know sign language,

give it a break. Wait. I don't get it. What does that mean? That's a flying asshole, see? Oh, but wait. What? Instead of just, like, getting rid of your ear,

why not just, like, get the signs and says, don't talk to me. I'm deaf. Like, you could just pretend to be deaf. That's not fair. That's anti-American. That's like telling people you were in the Marines, and you weren't.

You can't do it. People. Why? There's good American people. When I'm deaf, I'll let you know, and trust me, I'm going to be really fucking proud. because I'm going to let people get that's the time when you let people go you see somebody like anything bothering you yeah here do three lines of coat

they go for 45 minutes and they're like what do I do I have no idea I didn't hear anything he said but why'd you listen because I got nowhere else I'm 68 years old I might as well sit here and look at your face oh my god I get over your fucking eyelash I don't know Jesus chloe I It sounds like you're looking forward to being deaf. I didn't say that, but I can't worry about my ear no more. It's been driving me fucking crazy.

Three doctors. I don't know how many antibiotics. But listen, and I know I got jungle rot. I told you, I got rashes. So when I scratch this one, this one mixes with this one. You're mixing the faux tongue. The toe fungus. God knows what type of explosion I'm causing.

And this could be like skin warfare. They could take this scrapers off me and put it in fucking chemicals and send it to people. And next thing you know, their ears fucked up. They won't hear anything. Jesus. I had no idea that anything like this was going on for so long.

Do you think I knew? You went to the doctor because you were there. Crees and take an antibiotics and going, oh, this will be fine in two weeks. I don't have to walk around like I fucking survived an assassination. And then two weeks later, goes away and then a week later she calls me

and oh there's something there I've been telling you that lady this has been for anybody who's involved with medical right now Jesus Christ Jesus Christ Jesus Christ They just send you on like a

They gave me a tube They gave me a tube for the fuck of one rash Well it ran out or the rash got stronger I called a doctor it took a week to get the fucking two tubes They I don't know what I was talking about. We have to go on the computer.

Do you remember the name of it? Yeah, it's right here in my brain. No, I don't know the fucking name of it. It's got like 16 letters in it. I don't know. You know, what are you bought? 16 letters. Letters.

I ain't got enough glasses to read all those letters. So, oh my godly. I'm only laughing because it's like 100% accurate. Like, I can just imagine your doctor asking you what? Don a pharmacist and you're saying this to somebody. Listen, let me explain something to you. I go to the doctor and they just,

it's like abuse. Who's abusing who? Because you go in there first and I fuck with them. You know, I do 90 on the way down there. I cut people off. I see shit. I said, fuck with them.

I'll fuck with them. I don't fly any on the way. So when I walk in, then my blood pressure is high. Oh, my God. You know your blood pressure is 170? Listen, that's where I live, lady, relax. And I don't.

I don't. I have blue coat, whatever. My blood pressure always goes up, especially if I don't know you. So does your doctor know? Did you take the medication? I just toy with them. Yeah. And then they're like, okay, we've got to check some. Do you still weigh 380 pounds? No, no, no, no, 5.20. You know, do I look fucking?

just weighed me and it said two fucking 65. Why are you at? It's unbelievable. These are the people in charge then they start. I go in there by myself, I got glasses on then they start with the creepy questions. We've got to ask you some questions. I used to know on this medication

and this medication and after like 20 minutes. I just asked them with that. I don't even know what they talking about. And then after they start really getting technical, I go time out. I go, if my wife ain't here, don't ask me no question. If my wife don't ask me what I took this morning. I don't even know what I took this morning.

My wife has six things. I take them with her. We put in containers. I trust it. I don't know what the fuck's in there. My wife can kill me for all I know. I don't give a fuck. There's just like those prepackaged things. You just bring it on the road. If you ever, you know. We put in one of those containers. So I'll take one a day and one at night. And then I have a little thing for my thyroid. and then anything else on the counter for fucking penicillin or antibiotic or you know for milddehyde pill

who the fuck knows well hopefully it'll be over soon you said you're going to get results back soon what does it come again I can't hear it right I said I said I hope I said I hope you get like it's over soon well you know bro it's irritating it's it's been like

she asked me to describe and it's like having a needle that broke in between two pieces of meat. And every time you talk, it moves. It hurts every time you move. Oh, my God. And I know that when they go in there, it's going to be a little ball the size of a fucking pin.

That's what caused all this. It's something in there that just... But anyway, let's not even... Why depressed the people? We're on a roll here tonight. Okay. And I think they like to hear about, but okay. dude I had

have you ever had anybody like get a little bit too handsy after the show and like not like nothing like to call the cops about but just like this dude like started like like an extra hug on me like kiss me on the head like I have never really experienced that stuff

did you like it? No, no way. He was a nice dude. But it was just like. I never experienced that stuff. Nobody does until you swap, you know, Oh, no, he didn't try to kiss me.

What did he kiss you? No, he just kissed me on like the, the, my top of my head. Now he's scratched lips. You know what I'm saying? He probably got one of those spotty rashes from me. He's at home right now. Oh, he'd be pissed. Scratching his lips, putting fucking, uh, whatever they put on their lips to.

Outsurized my lips. Listen, you and your mom suck the thousand dicks. Now you're thinking of the moisturizing. Forget it. Oh, I had no idea about it. And my mom would kill me. She's hard that I said that. But like, most of my like spots have gone away.

And then they, well, and they do come back. But if I, like, actually wash my face with, like, a cleanser and then put lotion on, most of them go, like, do you ever do that? Like, I can't imagine you washing your face. I wash my face twice a day. Really? I have a product on a piece of paper, like a cotton. Okay.

And it's a prescription. and I rubbed that in and my blackheads are lighter. I don't have that thing anymore on my skin. I've been moisturizing, you know. Listen, bro, I never did this shit all my life. And now there's days I touch my skin. I think it's somebody else's. I mean, guys, I love everybody here.

But things are going to change that you can't even foresee. Like from the middle of my knee, look at your kneecaps right now. go 14 inches in it's your groin area and do a circle around that area to your belly button at this age I don't even know who that belongs to anymore took my old piece off

and put an old piece on it's not that it looks old, it just looks rugged it changed colors like I have like dark skin like my walls have become like the sweatshirt like not blue but like black like that hat Really?

Yeah, everything has just gotten like a darker color, like your elbow skin. I wouldn't even recognize them anymore. I've been rubbing malook your cream down there. You know, you don't want to walk around. Go to a pool. I already have problems with my nutsack and shorts and whatnot. I had no idea. That's wild.

I have to be honest, if you guys preparing it to what you're going to see, don't panic. You know, you have to pick your decision. You have to pick your diseases. Don't worry about a fucking rash on your knee when you got cancer growing in your ass. You're worrying about the wrong thing. Go get your prostate check. I hate doing it, but you got to play in the band from time to time.

You got to look the other one. You know, these are the things that are probably going to save you. And now, at this age, I would never tell people to do this shit. Now, I ain't got the time you motherfuckers got. So Wednesday night, you're opening up with Jimmy Bangs. Third day. Thursday and then Friday, Saturday, you're up there working as Roar in Springfield, Massachusetts. I'll be at Roar Friday and Saturday night.

Roar, R-O-A-R. Yes, sir, and the MGM Springfield. It's a great club. I'm very excited. Congratulations, Tarzan. Time, buddy. When will you be in New York? Right now, people are picking up your kitchen and appliances.

Oh, dude, it's craziness. It's right now. And I'm blessed. Like, I have a great, the week after that I'm at the Comedy Works and Dead. with Josh Wolf. I have a lot of great, like, weeks coming up. But at starting next year, I'm going to have maybe try to limit it to like two a month. So I'm here. Yeah, you got to, you move to New York to become the king of New York. Yeah. You know, 100%. I haven't gotten to do as much as I've been wanting to do in New York. But I have some lined up that I'm excited about.

But it's definitely too much. I'm just never here. Yeah, that's not. So that's going to change. just had stuff lined up before I moved here. And then, so, like, it's, that's a weird place to be in because I don't, I'm just going to have to start prioritizing certain weekends to, like, open up for Josh. Like, those are the most important ones.

But you also want to work on your own to establish yourself at the same time. So I get it. The problem is you're in a tight corner. And, you know, I told you this once before. On the move from Seattle to, to Los Angeles in 1997. It was supposed to take three days, Lee. But the axle fell off the fucking trailer.

So we spent a week in San Francisco. Thank God we were pulling the car. Why? Huh? Why thank God? Because that car got me around San Francisco. Got it, okay. So instead of panicking that Sunday night,

we woke up on a Monday in San Francisco. And there was a kid from Seattle that lived in San Francisco and he would come up to Seattle and visit his parents and come to the club and talk to me all the time. Very nice kid. I do not remember what his name is. We lost contact like in 2000. At this time, I was not at the store.

I was about to move to L.A. to shoot a pilot. And we were stuck. So I'm not going to sit in a fucking room with this brought. I called him and he goes, come on, I'll pick you up. And he picked me up or I followed him and I went to a club on a Monday night. They wouldn't let me on at Cobbs. The guy was snotty.

And the guy was a prick to him. So we went somewhere else. And that was fucking great. It was like a diner on Hayd Ashbury. Nice. People in there. You got 10 or 12 minutes. That was great.

But then Tuesday it was like those clubs up there. Roaster tea feathers. Yeah. There was another big club up there at the time that closed down. I forget what the name was. And there's another club that's still up there that was still open. Plus, John Fox had a lot of clubs at that time. So I pretty much did two spots tonight until Sunday morning.

Perfect. But Saturday I went into a club, Tommy T's. Oh, okay, yeah, I heard that. I went into Tommy T's. At that time, Tommy T's was bringing heat up there. It was a different booker. I don't know what was going on. And I was supposed to feature for the black girl from Sanat Live, who was pretty funny at the time.

Don't ask me your name. Okay. And I remember my Mutele and everybody said, you're not going to be anything until six months. So go on the road. But whoops, Mitchie called, you know, Scott Day. And next thing, you know, I'm on the stage on a Sunday night. I got a call back. And that Sunday I got made.

And I'll never forget going outside and going, bro, I got Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday at Tommy T's. And like all four of the people out there go cancel it. And I go, why? And they're like, you just got made. Yeah. You go home tonight and you call in for seven spots this week. And from there on, for the next six months, you call in seven nights a week, coast to coast. until you build that bond with her and she gets to see her.

Right. That's why you moved to L.A. It wasn't why I moved to L.A. I moved to L.A. to fucking do a pilot. And I, what fucking comedy store? Comedy store was not my future. It wasn't even on my fucking radar. I thought it was.

Okay. No, no. It was something that I had, I never worked for it. I'm not going to lie to it. I just went to L.A. I just went to L. to shoot a pilot and I was going to give her a shot and if everything failed I was going to do things and stupid things and I thank God until today none of that stuff went down but when I got to LA I got the opportunity to showcase she made me a regular and I'll never forget it was a Sunday night was on my birthday and me walking outside there was like Eddie Griffin Paul Mooney Rogan and somebody else and I'm like I got to do this room they're like you headline you make a big money I'm going no they're like then

Cancel that motherfucker tomorrow. You're going to sit tight. That's what I did. And once she started giving me five, six spots a week, and then I took a bombing, like three bombings in a row. What I mean a drive and one somewhere else? I was like, that's it. I'm going back on the road because I got L.A.

and I started getting cute. Oh, okay. I said, fuck it. Let's go back to the Indy Gritty. Let's go to Michigan. Let's go to Florida. Let's go to Texas, not Houston. Let's go to the rough towns.

You know what I'm saying? Where guys ride cowboys and ride horses and shit for a living. That's what I did. And I would love to do, because we were driving around, like, Salt Lake City, and we went to Idaho. Like, it'd be really cool to do, like, at some point, like, not like a weeks long, but, like, maybe five, six days. Like, like, just do a run and you drive, like, five, six hours a day. Like, do a tour in that area of the country. When I wrote the book, I was making notes.

And I'll never forget hearing this story and always wanting to do it in comedy. And I never got to do it. And I wish that I didn't get into the comedy store at that time. Because this was my next move. And it would have worked late. And a lot of comics have tried it. But every comic who did it tried to monetize it. And you don't do this to monetize it.

do this to monetize it later. And what my plan was for me to come to you, not at this point in my life. But if you meet a comedian that you really like, somebody you frickin' frack with. And I'd say there's a female comic who's just buckwaw. You don't want to sleep her. You just know that at some point,

she's just going to get off of this car, and you're never going to see her again for about a year. and she's going to come back funny. You know, you just have to go out there with that outlook. Let yourself a little van. This is the biggest investment you can make. And go on an eight week. Eight week.

Eight week. Coast to coast. Now, you can't do it in the summer, but you can't. Because the clubs are debt and they'll let you come in. Right. So you've got to go to a city. where there's two different comedy clubs. So you could do a spot and those ever driving

does a spot. Oh, do you each do separate shows? Like book the same clubs, the same way? Book it. Nobody's going to hire you. What you're going to do is you're going to schedule a showcase run. It all comes out of your pocket. The only way you monetize is on the days off

when you do crappy one-nighters for the local promoters. Right. But you're going to the club to show. I don't know. I was a state and that. So people don't get me wrong. You've got to go to a state, see who the bookers are, these little rooms that you like.

Right. That nobody knows who you are, and they got like a fountain of chocolate in the front. Perfect. The club is 64-95 for two, and they give you a banquet. There's tons of those still left. And you pay for those,

this finance with this money that you make on two one-nighters. John Yoder still books Michigan. So Michigan would be in Europe. in your thing because he don't mind booking you in a D room and a fucking where they have boats, what do you call those? Like a boating club?

When I was young, I did like two of those fucking three of those boating clubs for Tribble. One I remember had like a, it was the winter time and they had like a two thing and the thing was twisted with ice under it. And I'm on stage for like eight people and they all got scarves on. You know, this

is what it is. Right. My dream basically was to on the road with somebody I like. It was a story when I got to Seattle and Mitch Hedberg got in a Volkswagen van with Chard Hogan, and they drove across the country and just did showcases. And when they came back, they came back

with 20 weeks at all the best fucking clubs in the country. And that's how they started their career. And they had a good time. They did acid. They fucking, you know, and they just went nuts. Comics heard of the idea and started getting sponsors and trying to do it that way. You know, it was comics that don't draw,

trying to go into a club and mac them, and that'll work at those littler clubs. You're not going to go into the Atlanta punchline with four bums on a Wednesday night and expect to get on. Right. You know what I'm saying? It's just not realistic. And then do it one time.

Get your names out. Give away cards, what happened to your YouTube channel. And now you're replenished. YouTube channel. This is way before YouTube. I wasn't even thinking about YouTube. I know I would do it now. If I was 25, no responsibilities, like getting high, love comedy and trying to figure out a direction. Well, nobody books me. Well, nobody's going to book you. If you sit here and sent out tapes, these guys get a million tapes a week. Sorry. So you got to work outside the box. What's the next big thing? Show up. That's what the devil would do, right? The reason I like that I was going to go with like a small RV

Was because like you know the club might say in two weeks That's too much of an investment and you you don't want to do that You want to keep it low budget So you always remember when you got that flat in that fucking van 20 minutes before that gig I want you to remember how there wasn't a hotel room There was just one hotel room in both of you had a sleep in it Which is the plan you're only sleeping in the hotel room for the night.

Unless one of you just brings a girl or one of uses Richard Gear or fucking the strip club guy, you know, you go in there to do comedy. Right. And you just make it work. You're not going to go on the road like Keith Richards and Mick Jagger.

That's too much. You want to keep the investment low, be able to eat better. Did the motel six kill you two weeks ago? No, it didn't. I didn't even get in the hotel's next. No, it didn't. Right now, you're not a man in that position to drop 400 a night because that's what these hotels are.

Tell me about it, dude. That budgeting shit has to be tight. You've got to get a vehicle that's economical. It can't break down. You've got to get a warranty on it. Oh, dude, you're, my, that's the only thing that's fucked up is like, I have to have a car for another two years. I really don't need. Well, then take that and blow it.

it up and let it get stolen in Pittsburgh somewhere. They put it to my head. You know, what the fuck to tell you? I wish they wanted 12 grand to take it back early. So like, no. They're killing people now. Killing people. Killing them. You got a car, you got a stronghold on it, and good

luck trying to get a new car. Because the finance alone will set you back. Oh, dude. The craziest thing. That got it slowed down and used car prices went down a little bit. And hopefully your uncle Tony's dying and he'll leave you his fucking

1985 Volkswagen. Hopefully he's dying. Yeah, you know, this is the only way you're going to get a car now. Now when you die, you got to leave cars to people because how are they going to get them? I'm going to start buying $1,500 cars. So when I die, that's what everybody's getting.

A $500 car. It'll get you two and fro. Does the air conditioner work? Who knows? Improvise, cock'sucker. Where are you going to put all these cars? Get a fan of a nice car. I don't know what you need to do. When I go into the

Grandpa's sling, that means the show is coming to an end. You know what I'm saying? I knew it was coming, but it just went right back. When you listened, it went right into the microphone. It was like you shot it directly. No, I went back, and it actually bounced off the top of the counter. Some of it came into my nose, but it splattered. And went into the microphone.

I got to wipe the screen off. later. I got dark all of a sudden. You know what I'm saying? I got to start eating that, stop eating that bubblegum. Oh, Jesus Christ, I can't imagine. I love you, buddy. Don't forget, Wednesday night, I'm at the dojo with my man, Paul V, and a lot of other funny characters, Aaron Berg and Danny Braff and Victor Doorman, and then Thursday, tickets go on sale at New York Citywinerie.com. It's a small place, guys.

it's a Tuesday night don't lose your mind I'll have you out of there by 10 o'clock you'll be home nappy noon or talking to your girl about your feelings by midnight or 1130 you'll be in bed by midnight if you work right so that's what I got going on right now and I got other dates coming in the area

I got a nice show coming the day after Christmas you know right locally in central New Jersey you could show up we could exchange Christmas gifts whatever fuck you want to do and I got another one like the first, the second week in beautiful Jersey City. So I'll keep you motherfuckers tip-top,

Magoo informed. We're trying to get feeling. Plus, we got two locations for offices, which I'm very excited about. It's starting to work out. It was going to take a while. But sometimes you wait, you wait, you wait, and I got to move last week.

My friend's got a spot, but he shares it with a theater group. And, you know, it's family. I don't want a fucking disrespect family. I go in and I blow the joint up. It's not good for business. So, you know, I was looking at a couple other things. My friends, the Hud House and Edgewater,

I was looking to do one there. But again, I interact with their business and we got, the word got out and two of my friends from high school got back to me. One is a fucking location, and I'm not going to devour it, but oh my God, did I have a history there? And the other one is a friend's private, thing that he rents out as an apartment.

Private entrance, shower. Fucking, it's like the back cave. Nobody even knows we're going in there. When we bring guests, we got to blindfold him. Like, they go to Pablo Escobar's house now. I'm going to get blindfolded. For the first couple weeks, I got to blindfold you.

Security reasons. I can fucking around. I can put you in the back room. Just in case you get stuck in Idaho again. You come, but you don't get out. We just bury into the wall. wall. And it's an old building, so they won't even smell you. I've been

on a thousand flights, never had that happen. It wasn't even that windy. But it was kind of crazy coming down, but I got stuck. Like, it came on, and they didn't tell us until right as it was happening. Like, hey, we've been circling. They're sending us to Cincinnati to get more fuel. Yeah, that, that's that. Why? Why am I going to see? What does Cincinnati got to do with my flight? Listen,

so they'll have to tank out and speed it up. Like, you ever see the move with Tom Cruise and the DA, was chasing. Is it Tom Cruise? I don't know. When he played the helicopter, drug smuggler, and the DA was a tail,

so what he did was to slow down the plane. He knew they had a big plane. Right. A small plane, they were going to waste more gas than he was. They had a follow for like eight hours. Finally, it tapped down on the gas and let him go, and he landed. Perfect. Okay.

The story is, you know, the edible's working. Everything's working. The Malukia pills, the fucking the edibles were fucking tremendous, man. And I ate some of the home team edibles, and they were just tremendous. The diet smoke? Yeah, they're great.

I ate the big bag, the fireworks, not even the whole bag. And I'm fucking rocking and rolling, guys. It's hemp. I just want to, listen, I ate them before, and I'm going to sleep like a baby. I know I'm going to end up eating something, the spare rib.

I'm going to end up eating something. I'm going to end up eating something. I'm not good for me. I don't know. Oh, right, from steady, Freddie. Next time you just two plates and a thing of dumplings. George. Steve, I am not, Steve, George.

Edibles are good. Lee, my word. I have not been there since you. Wow. It's got to be eight months because Lee, I'm trying to go in one direction and you go in there and you got to start all over again.

Right. This destroys your system. We get the dumplings, which are world class. Amazing. And when they get vensible dumplings, like a half of fag. Is that what I'm doing now? No, you don't get vegetable. I'd rather cut my finger off and give it to the other government. We're going with dumplings, okay?

Yeah. And then we got a, we get the soup, which is world clash. You get the egg drop, and you throw a little hot mustard in that motherfucker and mix up. A lot of hot mustard fucking. You told me that. Hopefully he steams it, and you put an ice cube in there to cool it down, and then you throw the noodles in there, and it all mixes together. It absorbs. I like the noodle

half crunchy, but half soggy. to get that texture. And then we get... If anybody's going to take you for Chinese food, it's going to be the king, all right? Lennie, you're going to end up eating turkey, fucking sobby, yaki. If we're going to go Chinese food, listen,

when you walk in there, you're halfway dead anyway. You might as well go full blast and make sure your heart doctor's doing the right job. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. Right? Right as well. You get the pork fried rice with a nice extra egg.

You've done a Freddie, extra egg. I've never asked for that before. Extra egg. Dope it up. How much for the egg? Give me six eggs. Six. Extra omelet.

Give me, you want protein? Okay. It's fried. Get the fucking onions. The green onions, but that's the green onion in the motherfucker. And a real text,

you put the long sprouts in. Would Uncle Joey ever speak to you about sprouts? I know. No. Come over here, tie me up in a chair and smacking me with a glove.

Let me tell you something. Pork fried rice with fucking the sprouts when it crunches, when you bite the little piece of pork or cat and the sprout and you just jump, you feel your little asshole go,

that's the sprout. You just threw it off as fucking Bahama Mama. And then why you're eating the pork fried rice, why are you going to get an entree for? No. Not an animal. Yeah. We get an order of dumplings. Yeah.

I beg you to finish. Yes. Because the dumpling is so big. they're great because he makes the dough and have we ever gotten any big order of ribs never no always a small one to a piece

but then at some point when you come into the city when you were telling that story about the fried rice all I could think about was La Cari Dodd fried rice because that was amazing that's amazing

it's a different kind of thing but like I've never had a pork chop like that before with the garlic sauce on top I want to go there so bad I don't like my pork chop that thick You're going to say you're Joey, come on.

I don't know. I like a little thinner and a little more fried. Okay. Goodos instead of one fat one. When you bite into it, it's kind of crunchy. It's like the Puerto Ricans make the best pork chop. I didn't know that. Talk about health here, and now we're telling people about Puerto Rican pork chops.

Where's this fucking podcast going? They're going to shut us down the FCC. You know, we ain't spreading bad information. We're telling us. Two fat fuck's telling you the truth. We try to start the podcast off, talking about jumping jacks and shit. But you know where that's up, cock suckers. You think that's where we're going to get in trouble?

Not because you said part-time little person at the beginning of this shit? I don't even know. You think I remember what I said at the beginning of the podcast? I still had the cannabis juice going through my body. Now something else kicked in and mixed with the water and the hydrodes. I hate when that happens. Sorry about having the podcast late to you this week. It was my bad guy.

He apologizes. everybody's straight here. Have a great week. What was that? Kachotah? You know, happy New Year. Shenantaba. Yeah, we're belated, you know,

and all that stuff, guys. We're sorry. We'll be Tip-Top Magoo Tuesday morning next week, but don't even worry about it. The world can't end by that. Just worry about today. It's a beautiful Wednesday. It's so uplifting.

What? It's the truth. I don't want you to leave the house thinking you're coming back home. I want you to hug you. Why? to be the exit to be more meaningful. You hug the cat. You water the, you know, instead you won't look at the plant and go, fuck it tomorrow.

No, you'll water in case we get nuked. You'll hug the cat. You'll leave an extra little can of cat food. You'll vacuum the house. You'll put that dirty underwear away in case you age bubble gum and it's on your underwear. You don't want them to walk in your house and go, we nuke this place, but the underwear with the bubble gum lived, you know what I'm saying? You always got to be fucking.

I didn't think about it on the underwear because you can't get bubble gum off of underwear, can you? What? Can you get bubble gum off of underwear? No, you just, you throw in a handful of your wife's surprising. I blame it on the cat. It was a hairball. I picked it up with the underwear because I was going to step on it.

You know, I get it smelled strawberries. I don't know, because he ate me straight. I don't fucking know. What are you asking me for? You think I'd give the cat gum? What kind of animal do you think I am? I love you, Connuckers. Have a great week, everybody.

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I want to thank Liquid Ivy for supporting this show. It's tremendous. Listen, I also want to talk to you about diet smoke. Let's cut it out. I ate half a bag of these things tonight. Tremendous. You understand me? I don't even know what flavor I ate. But they had a couple different flavors in there. a couple blues, a couple yellows, a couple reds. I mixed them up. I think it was the 125 milligram THHC with the other stuff, the hemp. I'm going to sleep like a baby. I enjoyed it. But anyway, summer's over. It's time to kick back and relax with Diet Smoke. That cannabis-infused gummies are going to blow your mind like they did mine tonight. Diet smoke has a ton of different types of gummies that can help you focus and get stuff done. They help you sleep.

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