The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Joey Diaz is an old school geezer

Episode Date: February 13, 2024

Joey talks with Lee about what it means to be an old school geezer, what pink mouth is, and his favorite way to fart on someone.  Joey also tells Lee about how your energy changes over your career as a comedian, what Joey has learned from watching other comedians, and the toll he put on his body early in comedy and what working out has done for him Support the show and get 20% off your 1st order at https://www.liquidiv.com with code JOEY.   This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self      

What's hard it? What cruise did he do? He did the cruise with the practical joker guys. Oh, cool. Yeah. Was it fun? I don't know. I wasn't there, Lee.

You know. I didn't know if you asked him, and he said, they had a good time. I'm over here. I don't know. I wasn't on mutiny on the bounty. You know what I'm saying?

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Welcome back to show. Hey buddy what's happening beautiful? I'm doing great dude I had like I think like the last two weeks or probably my like two favorite weeks of comedy like in my entire. entire life. So I'm just, I'm really happy. Me too. That's awesome. I'm happy for you, Cox second. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, no, it was, I've been hearing about, like, you've been talking about Buffalo for the entire time I've known you. Like, that was one of the, the show you did with Ari there, I think was within the first couple years of me knowing you. Yeah. You had the Fidel shirts and stuff.

Yeah, yeah. And it was. was like I think the early show Saturday was one of like the best shows I've ever had and then and then we smoked and I didn't do suit I didn't find but I didn't do great on late show Saturday but the early the right like it was like pretty even that show which wasn't my favorite was still like a very good show it was a it was just a fucking

great weekend it's funny when you start doing comedy you know you start going on the road as a feature act maybe somebody takes out as an MC you know and you start going to these places. And, you know, you want to be, you want to be always optimistic about whatever town you're going into, you know, you want to do the better you can.

But then you start to figure out that there's some places you jive at and there's some places you don't jive at and you cannot get mad at that. Cannot get mad at that. You know, when you hit it big, you're going to try to get a room, in Boston and nobody's going to hire you in your home hometown.

When you start getting hot, you start getting hot, you call it now because, you know, maybe you weren't a part of that group. But anyway, it's just so weird that you, and as a feature act, I fell in love with Buffalo, I fell in love with Miami, I fell in love with Houston, I fell in love with Tempe. There was just certain rooms that I did fucking sensation. land and then there was rooms like Cubs where I could eat a bag of dicks for a week and you know and then there's the punch line where you do great across town And it's a smaller venue so listen everybody finds their niche and this is what I people there's 50 to many states

I think it's just 50 50 50 all right 50 so if you could work 50 weeks a year you can hit each fucking state. Yeah. You don't expect that. That would be fucking insane. 50 states in a year to book it, you know.

It's funny what you're going to, you know, you may not do good in Hawaii. Oh, you don't think so. Yeah, I don't know. There's a club in Hawaii. I know people do it. Yeah, the blue note is there. There's a couple clubs. But you might not do well in Sacramento, you know. And then you start falling in. love with these places.

You like the food. You like the culture. You like the nightlife. And that was me with certain fucking towns. Like I really enjoyed going there because, you know, they had a festival or something. That's what Ari does. Ari travels around music festivals. Right. He does that.

I know Burr does the like the college football weekends. Like he'll do a show and do and go to like one of those big stuff. I would love to do that. We almost went to a Buffalo Sabres game on Saturday, but we took these mushrooms, and they kicked in late. They kicked in at like 2 in the morning. So I was up until like 6 in the morning on Saturday morning,

so we didn't end up going. But I could see that. I could see like different cities being. I'm already looking forward to going back to a few places. It's funny. I still remember going to Buffalo when I audition for the Sopranos in 2000. And I knew back then that Buffalo, even though I bombed at a hockey, he did show at a hockey halftime.

Yeah, he told me about that. Yeah, and I bombed. But I knew that that was just a bad position to put people in. And I just knew Buffalo was my type of city. And then you got the wings and you got the beef on Wick and you got the Buffalo Bill fans and you got Rick James. There was just so much allure to that town. Hell yeah.

No. I knew when I went to Jacksonville, Florida, that I would never go back. Not because I didn't like the town, because I died. Fucking nine shows in a row. How many years did you come down here? I want to get down to Jacksonville.

That was my first time ever, and I died, and I never came back. The opportunity never opened itself back up for me to go back there. But I was raising my hand to go back there either. No, is there? Is there a place other than Jacksonville that, like, you won't go? I mean, there was a lot of places that I just didn't feel like I did well. Like, there used to be a club in Iowa, penguins.

I never did well there. You know, it's the center of the country. And you got to remember when they program shows, that's who they program for, the Midwest. Right. TV shows on the networks, not on streaming. They don't give a fuck about the Midwest on streaming. network television they put their shows around you know

Midwest what's going on in the Midwest those values you know I tend to do better and with people like that than like cooler like New York City or like young people I don't really do I do okay with but I do better with like middle age like in the middle of nowhere kind of places it's really weird how you start to see your demographic you start to see your, like my demographic, my first demographic were junkies. Anybody who snorted coke like me, you know, or anybody who had felonies. Holy shit.

Would they tell you after the shows? Oh, yeah, but I would have a circle around me like flies. Where do you get coke out? I got some. I don't, you know. And it was just degenerateville. And then in time you got the potheads. And then, you know, you just keeps changing demographics.

You know, but the final demographic of mine is really good because it's the ages of 21 to 34 or whatever the fuck. That that's the best demographic. And for me, it works because those kids, I'm uncles to them. Oh, yeah, 100%. You look at me as an uncle when you're 24 or 25, you know. So it's a great thing to fucking, you know, it's great that you're taking notes. Like I said, David Tell once told me you're doing a great thing by Turin as a feature act because you're building up a market.

And they'll cheer for you even more because they could say they knew you when you were a feature. Right. I can't wait for that. Like I'm not going to get business cards, but I'm going to get something like people can scan for social media or something. Just like, because it's crazy just to have... I love it. It means a lot when anyone from the podcast comes, but when someone who has no idea who I was liked what I said,

I thought it was funny, it's not surprising, but, you know, people from the church, they come in already liking me. And if I can get someone who, like,

had no feelings about me at the beginning to, like, buy in, it's really fucking cool. You're making a great point. You're making a great point. I mean, listen,

there's so many, things to do now, like if you left a business card on each table with a scanner, whatever the fuck they call it, what do they call that? QR code. A PR code, whatever the fuck is. QR. QR, yeah, right, good. I like when people give me those cards and I don't even know where they start.

Like, I wave it through weight watches to see how many points the fucking business card have. I don't know nothing. What do you do when you go to a restaurant and they have a QR code for a menu, do you just leave? Like, do you actually... I tell them to give me a menu. I got no glasses. I got no phone.

Go in the back and get a damn menu. I'm going to fucking QR code. There's always some sucker at the table that does it. I'm like, don't do it. Towards them a little bit. Oh, they probably don't want if they don't have them. Have you ever had... Or do they always have them in the back?

They got like three of them. And then I stopped and I call them back and I ask them for glasses. Do you have any readers? You know, even though I got a pair in my pocket. You know what I'm saying? Oh, that's fucking amazing. Do they ever have glasses for you? Yeah.

Or do you just throw them off? No, people leave glasses at restaurants. They have a whole desk of them by the matri-D or whatever the fuck, the host. Wow. And you walk in just, I need readers. When did you get glasses? How old are you? My eyes started going when I was 44.

Like I told Rogan a few weeks ago. Oh, yeah. I'm doing coke. My eyes went out the window. And like, that's so funny. And I panic. Glasses on immediately, and that's what fucked them up even more. I shouldn't have panic.

It should have held off. And it would have made my eyes stronger. You know, it's like my hearing. I'm pretty much fucking deaf. A lot of people don't know that, but I'm pretty much fucking death. Like, if I'm in a restaurant, don't even talk to me, because I'm just going to look at you. that's great it's you know when i go to comedy places once that show is on you're talking to me

i don't even know what you're saying like what does it sound like you just like it just sounds like a bunch of noise bob bob bob bob bob bob bob bob bob and i'm like yeah no shit wow and has anyone ever caught on to you huh has anyone ever caught on that you couldn't hear them? No, they're not that fucking smart. They can't tell my face. Number one, I'm stoned. Right.

So you're surprised the shit out of me when you say something to me. And number two, you know, I'm deaf. So I'm like, huh? And they're like, oh, yeah, you know, it's insane. But I've tried with the hearing aids. They just don't work for me. I hear all these fucking, I got to get an upgrade, like really fucking good hearing aids.

Hey, this is what happens, man. you know, when you're 20 and you go to all these concerts and you sit by the speakers and you jump up and down like a fucking moron, you're going to have hearing problems later on. So you got to prepare for all this shit. I'm blind. I'm so, like, I can't see shit. So that's why I asked about the glasses. Because it's been years that I've needed glasses.

And I've received. Yeah, you go to go to glasses and get some contacts. You don't want to have glasses. I can't put stuff in my eyes. I would. I would look so, I would look terrible with glasses. But no, I can't put... You're like a Jew, Mr. Magoo.

You don't want to look like a Jew, Mr. Magoo? Can you put stuff in your... I've never, like, I've never once in my entire life, but... I put Eisen in my eyes, but... You can't do that. I can put contacts in. It's just a period. It just takes time.

You learn how to do it. You open up, and then you put the thing on your finger, and then you put it, and then you put it in, then you take the other side and fucking, you know, but you got a different from the you might stick your finger in your nose the motherfucker

they got a contact lens in your nose and shit I know having the coke lock stuck in my nose but a contact lens that's pretty tough

to tell the fucking hospital guy that hey I snorted a contact lens by mistake you know what you think about the soup bowl

you didn't watch it I watched it I watched it I just had it on on pause so I turned it on uh as I

Patriots fan, the only thing I could think of is like, fuck, is like, I think that these chiefs might be better than the Patriots were. I think Andy Reid is way better than Belichick. And Mahomes, I don't know. I mean, I know you love Brady. I love Brady. I think Mahombs might be better. I love Tom Brady. I love a lot of guys. Mahom is, you know, I like, I've always thought he was a great quarterback. He's very young. You know, he's agile. He'll run.

You know, he'll take the game into his own hands. He's a great quarterback. And he proved it yesterday. I feel bad for San Francisco. Yeah. He played a pretty decent game till the end, you know. I didn't really give a fuck about Kelsey and the other people. Once the game was over, it was fucking done with, you know.

I had a fucking migraine at Jimmy Florentines. I had to come home and take a few town laws. I fucking just sat here for like an hour. And then I went to Christine's and watched the game from the beginning. I just sat over that lap time. You're getting a lot of migraines now, huh? Yeah, the last couple weeks for some reason. Something's not right.

That sucks. I'll find out next Tuesday when I go to the doctor. Oh, okay. Not tomorrow? No, and then Wednesday I go to acupuncture. And she'll stick a few needles. in me and they'll calm down for a few fucking weeks. I didn't go to see her last week.

I was busy. I had something else going on. Listen, when you get to be over 50, you're going to the doctor twice a week for something. You know what I'm saying? For something. Are you really? Yeah, something's always up.

The yeast infection in my ears went away. Then it came fucking back. I got into your ears. They smell funny. Yeah. Now I got to go back to see her next week. That's Thursday and next week. I think that's what it could be

I'm getting headaches from the yeast infection in my ears and shit Is that from swimming? How do you get a yeast infection? I know you've talked about it But like how do you get that? From what I heard is from not drying your ears And sticking foreign objects in your ears

Which I'm the king of I don't like fucking Q-tips They don't work Q-tips takes the water out of your ear But if you want to get the deep, deep, deep, deep wax You've got to get like a fucking You know, a big pen that you don't use to start Coke no more

or like I got a thing from Manscape, right? Okay. In my nail file. So when you cut your nails, there's a thing that you pull, it's like a Coke spoon. So I clean it out with that in the mornings and it takes all the big chunks out.

I'm very self-conscious about dirty ears. When I see somebody with dirty ears, lights out, I ask for a check. I don't think people with dirty ears. And now I'm going to go with dirty ears. So I hate even going out. I got to go out with ear plugs and make believe like I got swimmer's ear or some shit. What happens when you get a yeast infection in your ear?

Does it like does stuff grow in there? Huh? What happens when you have a yeast infection in your ear? Well, I can't have anybody fuck me in the ear for a month. You don't take it. You got a yeast infection. You don't want to spread it. No, I don't know.

They put me on penicillin for two weeks or some shit. but whatever I'm doing is making it reoccur. But I enjoyed, what I watched at the Super Bowl, I thought it was enjoyable. It turned out to be a great fucking game. You know, listen, I didn't put a red shirt on. I don't give a fuck about the chick. I don't give a fuck about Kelsey.

I give a fuck about the bottom line. I had the under by the fucking hair of my skin of my teeth. Oh, shit. I lucked out on the under, and I mixed it with fucking Oklahoma City yesterday. We're giving two and a half. It was a gift on the Lord's Day. You had a parlay between two different games? Yeah, I had a parlay with only on draft games.

I had a parlay with the under and Oklahoma. Okay, so you said the Thunder. And then I had San Francisco Money Line and the Under. okay, seat. And that bell back. Well, for some reason, I didn't bet Samford. I didn't like the game. I didn't like, I couldn't give you an answer on who was going to win.

I liked the under because I knew they were going to fuck you some way or another. Right. And I like Oklahoma City. So I took my chances. I wheeled them. I had one parlay, but I hit the under big. Because that's what I really liked. everybody said that's over

and then just turn the game off and pray that they score I just said nah they're gonna fuck us they gotta do something and I was right thank God do you remember what the under was 47 and a half

and the score was 2522 holy shit that half point I love when that can either fuck you or it can make you that half point yeah I got fucked in the ass by a half point about three weeks ago, so I knew I had one coming, you know what I'm saying? Oh, I had you in my head all weekend with that game because you like,

how you're always like, oh, you don't see a book here with a part-time job. And I liked, I liked Kansas City, but they were a plus 100. So you, like, you would double your money. And I was like, oh, that's just too good to be true. It's too good to be true. It was too easy. And I didn't like any of them. I had, I was leaning towards KC.

but 77% of the money was on KC. So I guess, you know, somebody told me that the average amount for the Super Bowl to go with a family of four was $32,000. Yeah. And this morning it hit me that Vegas made money on the gate. They made money from A to Z this weekend. So they weren't even concerned with the fucking Super Bowl.

You know, it just makes sense. I wonder. That'd be crazy to see, like, what, how much money went into Vegas within the last week? Oh, tons. A billion, couple bills, a couple billion, easy. Holy shit. They're there in the hotels. They're eating every night.

That's a great place for the Super Bowl to be. The Super Bowl, they're going to switch it to Vegas, eventually. It's just, it's just too easy. Yeah. Too easy. You fly in, you go to a hotel. how everything's right there. The stadium's down the corner.

You know, Vegas was built to carry that. Yeah. Vegas was built to carry that load. So what the fuck are we doing? Just put it in Vegas every year. And switch it to fucking three in the afternoon. So you get some gambling money after the game.

That's what you need to do. Switch that game so it doesn't come on here at fucking 6.30. And I got to stay up to 11. watching fucking the soup bowl. Kids got to go to bed. They're upset. They got Kansas City fucking ponytails. And, you know, my daughter didn't give a Frenchman's fuck, but... No, she didn't watch it at all.

Yeah, yeah. But we went to watch it. There was a bunch of kids. It was the best part of them watching them lose their mind. Because the mom put like fucking... She had like a pool for the kids. Oh, like a gamble school? Yeah. Yeah, commercials, characters.

Everybody won like 40 bucks. There was like nine kids there. So it all worked nuts. You had a great scam, and I'm grateful for those moms, because I don't know what to do with kids in the Super Bowl. I give them onion dip and give them a shot of fucking Blackberry Brandy, and there you go. That's your Super Bowl, Tuck sucker.

I could see you, though, like doing a gambling pool with little kids. Like, that seems like something you would. would do. Like a dollar bet, like nothing crazy. I'm not saying you're going to steal money from kids, but like these kids are young. I don't want to inflict that fucking knowledge. Listen, I still know the first person. I still remember the first person who gave me a fucking gambling sheet.

Those sheets with the college games and the pro games. Uh-huh. You'll see those. They call like, I forget to have a name for them. Like at the casino where it tells you like what the odds are? No, no, no, not at the casino. You get this at the deli. Oh, shit.

Okay. Illegal bookies, and you have these tickets, and you got to go four for four. If you bet $5, you win $30. If you bet $6, you win $45. If you win, it'll tell you right on the thing. You put the circle of numbers, and then you rip off the bottom,

and the book he collects it. And then if you win, he pays on fucking Sunday. I forget what the name but is. They slit my money. betting sheets, something. Football, pool, something like that.

I don't fucking know. And how old are you? Maybe 12 or 11. People get pissed off now. Huh? People will get pissed off if they sold a 12 or 11 year old kid. They'll throw you under the fucking jail now.

You know, they'll throw you under the fucking jail. If you ask a kid, hey, you get laid lately, they'll throw you under the fucking jail. When I was a kid, all those people at my mother's bar, I ask me constantly. You get your dicks up, you get late, lately, you're pissing yellow, you eat some ass.

And I'd be like, what the fuck are they talking about? I could throw those people in jail right now. That's why I'm careful with kids. I used to tell kids, what's the story? You want to go hook up. Jacob. Wolf, all the time. Jacob, we're going to go get a chick with big titties.

Let's go. No, I'm telling my dad. I'll have to see if I can find. I think Josh put up a video of you asking him to go get margaritas or something. something and he's like five. Him and I are having a great time. We actually went to the casino on Saturday night. Josh was tired.

So him and I just, Jacob and I went to the casino right across the street from the club. We fucking lost all of our money really quick. But it was, I actually have a clip because I was in the casino. And it just made me think of like the people you see in the casino. And I wanted to know if you've seen anything because I saw this on Twitter. Andy,

if you could throw that up. I just wanted to get your opinion and, like, see if you've seen anything like this. That woman's pissing at the fucking slot machine. Oh, yeah, I've seen this video before, but I, the only person I've seen do that is me. What do you mean? You peed at a casino? Oh, I'll pee anyway. You know me. You've been around me. I'm a filthy animal. I've never seen you pee in a building before.

I've peed in corners because I just take my dick out and start peeing. especially if it's a carpet. Nobody knows. So they're focused on your hand, on the phone, or the drink in your hand. Meanwhile, your other hands on your waist, but an inch of your dick is popping out of the pants and you're just peeing like you're on the joint.

I peed in every phone booth in America when I was on the road. Those little phone boots, you see? I'd pull in there close the door and make believe I was on the phone. But the whole time I'd be pissing in there, except in the winter, steam comes up from the floor, and then you have a problem. People know you're in their fucking peeing and fart and shit like that.

But yeah. Did you get caught? In the phone boots? Anywhere. No, never. But now they'll throw you in jail for that shit. Oh, yeah. You know, watch why I pee?

Like when I'm in a rush, if I pee, I got to make sure I'm not in the school zone. Because they'll charge you as a pervert. It's a sexual abductor. Yeah, for your whole life, you're on the registry, I think. if you be like you know it's like getting arrested with weed in the school zone they'll double the

fucking sentence on you Jesus I flew with it by accident I was I was fucking paranoid when I went to Buffalo I had it in like a like a little side pocket of my backpack

what and I never fly with it like I had a fucking pack of joints all right you threw them away no no no it was too late. I had to throw something like my wallet in that pocket when I went through the scanner.

And as soon as I unzipped it, like the smell we just poured out. And it had a big label on it. And the TSA guy just looked at it and didn't say anything. But I was like, sure they were going to come and get me. Nah. That's too much paperwork.

And you're a nice little Jewish fella. You know what I'm saying? Then I got to arrest a nice little Jewish fella. If I went through there, with a beard and the killed a Palestinian shirt on. Yeah, they're going to throw me under the fucking jail of Buffalo. Yeah, I think it would be because of the shirt. I don't know if it's because of the weed.

What are you even getting killed in the Palestinian shirt? There's people walking around with them now. Kill Jews, kill Palestinian, you know, they're online. They probably sell them on 22nd Street. Anything to make a dough. Listen, if you make 50 shirts to say, I hate Israel, and then 50 shirts to say, I hate Palestine, You're going to sell them all. It's a, you know, you maybe get caught with three fucking, I hate Palestine's or something.

But just the way life is, somebody's got to be making those shirts. I bet you're right. And speaking of Jewish people, you know that Steakhouse that you've told me about Peter Lugar's? Yeah. I walked by, like I went from one spot to another in Brooklyn and I was walking and I just walked by it. I didn't know like that whole area is like Jewish Central. I've never seen anything like that. Is it a cynic Jewish or?

Yeah. Yeah, like a little, like a block or two before it. But like they have schools and they have like buses and buses of like with like Hebrew writing on it. And like one of them almost ran into me on a fucking lime scooter. He was fucking zooming on that thing. Oh, you should have called out. Jew versus Jew in court. Forget it.

That's the best case is Kramer versus Kramer. You know what I'm saying? Oh, but he'd win. He definitely. is a better fucking lawyer than I do. Nah, because he's hitting you with a fucking lemon scooter. That's like a Law & Order episode. Anybody hits me with a lemon scooter?

I'm staying down. I'm standing up singing Chinese songs. I'm going to scratch my ass and eat this shit in front of the judge. I'm getting the big three-mill, four-mill. What, you wouldn't stick your finger in your ass and suck it, $5 million? It's your ass. I'm not feeling that's the homeless guy.

his ass. Yeah, but that's a, oh, that's bad too. I didn't know as a homeless was an option. Well, you get sick and sell. You might get pink mouts instead of a pink guy for a week. You ever see a chick with pink mouth? From eating assholes and shit, they get pink mouth.

No, I've never seen a chick, what is it? Is it just around her lips? Is it pink mouth? Oh, my God, Joey. You know, people take a shit, and they wipe their ass and they don't wash their hands. Then they scratch their eyeball, And they go, I got pink eye. And there's always some chick.

Yeah, you used to get pink eye, you nasty mother. I didn't get pink eye. I got a couple styes from a dirty hot tub. I didn't know you couldn't go in hot tubs in California. When I grew up, you could go into a hot tub. I went into one hot tub on an Airbnb. You wipe your ass. You're eating those fucking...

I didn't know. Tens fries with the green chili and the fucking forked nach. That's good. I don't care what you say. You wiped your ass. It came from Mexico. It was radioactive. you wiped your eye and then you started getting styes.

Now you're with Athena and she makes you fucking wash your hands, thank God. Because you're a nasty motherfucker. You were getting those thighs in your eyes. So let's say if you're one of these chicks that licks asshole, you're going to get pink mouth. You know what I'm saying? Oh, you're definitely getting something from me. Huh?

I was laughing because I did something disgusting. like I do you ever fart like on purpose like to like gross out mercy or your wife you do I know you do I fart because it's uncomfortable yeah I fought on purpose you fought in a fucking mouth if you let me at this point I had something happened that I hadn't had happened in a while I should rip the fart I fucking just too straight up like it like it made the noises and like we I had to throw the underwear away like it was I just straight up shit my pants. Like, not even like just a little bit.

Like, I straight up just fucking shit my pants. You can't throw your underwear away. You got to put it in there and bury it and hide it in a fucking cookie box and shit. Thank God the maid's not hungry. And she goes in that cookie box. And she finds a fucking white on these with a fucking... But you did it at a hotel? I did it at Athena's house.

I just threw it in the trash. Oh, I haven't done it at a hotel before. I bet that would happen, though. My bad. you know, I thought it happened to the hotel. Do you give them

like a couple extra bucks when you shake your pants at the hotel? I don't say nothing. If they say somebody shit their pants, listen, your housekeeping is weak because that wasn't here when I got here.

You know what I'm saying? Of course it wasn't here when you got there. He was you. I must have ran in my room and threw it in there. These fucking foreigners, they take shit

and throw their diapers and throw their diapers. I definitely will. It's been a while, but I love just ripping one just to piss, especially her kids off. Oh, it makes me so happy. No, you can't rip one. You have to, the element of surprises when they're silent and they're fucking relaxing, their mouth is a little open, and you drop that hot air fart,

and it either shoots to the west or to the east, and hopefully it's the direction you want it to go to. and they're just sitting there eating popcorn, taking breaths out of their nose. You have to time the fart. Why fart if they're not eaten? Because you want it to go in this completely. You know what I'm saying?

You want it to go in the nose and in the mouth. They get the double whammy mix. Let's say they're eating popcorn. Can you imagine farting on popcorn with butter to fart stick with popcorn because of the fart? You have a whole system. Oh, I just do it all the time. You save it for when they're eating just to ruin a mess.

meal? Oh my God. Why not? So they could get the double whammy. I used to do it to you all the time in the office. I know you used to do it, but you wouldn't do it silent. You would aim it off. I could tell because you weren't like you wouldn't even try to hide it. Like you were

talking about hiding it. You would lean back, push up, and just raise your fucking asshole at me. And far, it would ricochish out. Like, I think, didn't you take those chairs from L.A.? or no, I forget. No, I threw those out. I thought. I was going to say you have to throw those things away.

Let me explain something to you. I just don't balance my hips. I proportion my hips so my asshole ricochets off the chair to give a distance so it goes straight into your mouth. If I just blow it out to the atmosphere, it just shoots out this way. Right. But if I blow it to the chair, that's the initial impact. And then it's a double.

You know what I'm saying? It hits the chair and it ricochet is right into your fucking mouth. I learned that when I was 13. the number one bus from North Bergen to the high school. When I used to fight the junkies mouth, every time I fart in those little seats, the junkies wouldn't get the full fucking effect. If I banked my fart off the chair,

like a bank shot, and I caught them in the eye, in the ear, in the mouth, they would wake up from their little junkie fest and ask themselves, what the fuck happened? Yeah, I'll tell you what happened. You got a fart in your right lung that's fucking, telling your mind you're in danger, you're in stranger danger and shit like that.

You know what I'm saying? I bet you could aim it to a specific lung. It's crazy how you have like a whole system down. You got, listen, when you're a professional at some, I'm a professional of farting, I'm a professional at eating, professional at snorting, I'm a professional snorting pot,

smoking pot, and I'm also a professional doing comedy. So all those things I got down to a fucking science. Any questions? Fuck no. All right. Oh, my bet. So the Super Bowl's over.

Now we got college basketball. Then I'm excited for baseball. You sit outside. You get the little vitamin D. And then it's football all over again. Then there's an election this year if we're still alive. I can't. It's the worst fucking,

I hate every four. It's like, I just hate it. But speaking of baseball, are you going to Philly games this year? I'm going to go whatever I could get tickets to. You know, I'm always a very,

guess I say type of motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? I don't know where I'm going. I'm going to sit here with you and look up a ticket and get and wear my shirt. I find about, you know, I get a sudden nerds. I see who's pitching. We got nothing going on. Let's get four tickets. Let's get the fuck out of here.

So if you ever fully retired, you wouldn't get like season tickets to the Phillies? I'm retired. How can I afford season fucking tickets? You know what I'm saying? I don't know. I'm not saying you get the right behind home plate, but I don't know how much to have season tickets cost. What's that?

I think you could have, I mean, in a world where you could afford it, would you spend 80 days a year watching baseball? No. Or basketball? Anything? No.

I would love to get season tickets. I would mind doing like splitting tickets with people, so we get two tickets for each game. And then you pick four games, and I pick four games and we, you know, there's people who do that a certain way. I don't know how they do it.

I wouldn't want to come. I don't have time for a full commitment. That is a long one, 80 games. I don't know. You know, I'm not Jack Nicholson. I ain't fucking one of these guys that just goes to Lake again. I enjoy all that stuff, but I don't think I would enjoy it every day,

every other night. Like, I know somebody who's got Nick tickets, and they walk in. They've only got two neck tickets. tickets and they said, Joey, if you ever want to go and I go, well, don't you go to any games? He goes, I've had no season tickets for 28 years.

Holy shit. He goes, now I just give them away to people. I just got to like the ones he wants to do you. 28 years. You know, I went to 200 UFCs with Joe. You think so? At least 100. I'm exaggerating.

Holy shit, but that's still a lot. Me and Ari and Duncan and Brian, we went to at least. There was four, five years we went to tons of UFC's. I love the UFC. I can't see myself going to another fight live. It's too expensive. It's too much work.

All of them here started 10 at the guard. That means I'm not getting out of there to one. And then you've got to get on you know, if you're in the city, it doesn't pay to bring your car. So now you're on the bus at two in the morning

going to fucking central New Jersey. you know, and I tell people, like, sometimes I get disappointed, but, you know, it's even like concerts. Like Jimmy goes to a lot of concerts with his family, and they always invite me. They're great people, you know, and I feel bad. I say no to them, and it's like, my concert days were then. Now a concert would break me.

It's too much walking. You've got to climb stairs, then I get there, and, you know, it's just too much for what I'm going to get out of These aren't even the original bands. Yes, I get to see an artist. And I go to a couple of concerts every year. But they got to be very easy. Once you start pounding on, like when I lived in L.A.,

all those shows I went at at the end were all easy. Guns and Rose de Palladium, easy. Pat Betelton, Woolshire Boulevard, easy. Michael Shankner at the whiskey, easy. Those are all easy things for me. That's why when I was thinking of you at the UFC, and I know you have no plans of going to Vegas anytime soon, but what about the apex, like, that small one that the UFC doesn't Vegas?

I've never been there. I know, but I'm saying like that seems like one you might like, because it's not huge up and down. You don't get the whole thing. When I was going to fucking UFC's in Vegas, they were at the hotel where you stayed at. Okay. You understand me?

So all I had to go is to my hotel elevator. go down to the first floor, walk a half a mile, and I was in the UFC. Same thing for a fight I didn't want to watch, but I wanted to get high. I'd leave there, go to my room, get weed, go smoke it, eat edibles, eat acid with Ari,

and then we go back. At the end of the night, I didn't have to fucking walk out with 20,000 people and then take my car out of that place. When you go to Philly, the game ends at 10. 10.30, you're not getting home to 1.

I know. Yeah, leaving any stadium is the worst. I got two to four kids in the back seat, and they're all asleep on the drive home. You know, it just doesn't, you know, when I was going to those games, I was going by myself. They started at 7.30, and you got out of the garden by 9.30, quarter to 10, and then you walked around to whatever time you want. It was a different place in time.

It's not that I don't enjoy music or live music, but I can't put, you know, first of all, I go to one of these places around here, one person sees me, I'm dead. Right. I went to see Chas Pomerterrey last year, you know, in the Beacon Theater. I'm going to see Chas Pomp and Terry.

And after the show started 15 minutes, I still had people walking up to the road going, can we take a picture? Chas is a fucking stage, and you want to take a picture, you know. So even that gets old because people don't respect privacy anymore. They just don't give a fuck. So but all in all, the best way to improve as an entertainer is to go get entertained. So whenever you're very stuck with something, don't go watch a comedian.

Anybody could do that. Just look in your local paper. See who's doing jazz. See who's doing an improv show. see who's doing any type of art and you go down there and watch it and because we're idiots and we can just play a cowbell

and fucking do jokes anything we see we get blown away and it fucking inspires you to no end like wow I thought I was a badass this guy's fucking swallowing swords and pissing out daisies

you know what I'm saying oh it's crazy that you're talking about we were talking at the beginning about like your favorite cities like when I went to Nashville a couple weeks ago it was for that exact reason is one of my and I'm not a music person but like I went one night and watched like a country cover band at like one of the bars on like the main strip and then the other night after my show I went to a jazz club just because I just wanted to see what that was like and it was so cool like it was it's similar to what I do but very very different and then to just be like like Nashville has a city with all of them

music is just fucking really inspiring and cool, like to be... I don't want to go to, like, the fucking places that everybody goes to. No. I used to go to Grand, not Grand Rapids, Michigan. Bay City. Okay. Bay City up by there. I forget the town next to it.

I used to date a girl in... I forget the name of the place. I dated a girl in Niles, Michigan for a while. but then I dated a girl that lived by Bay City. And if I had the weekend in Michigan, like Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I would go by a house on Mondays. That was my thing. And this is a weird situation because she was married.

She was divorced, but her husband lived downstairs and she lived upstairs. Holy shit. But I would just take around dates and shit. But I didn't know where to take her, and she would take me to a Monday night open. for jazz and blues. No, it was a blues open mic. And it was two black chicks. Okay.

Up on stage, sweating up a storm. One would sing, then the other would sing, then the other would sing, then, you know, they would alternate songs with a funky guitar player, a standing bass. And I couldn't wait to get there on Monday nights, just so I could go see, watch that. And they had food there pretty good.

But there'd be 20 people there at tops. And you left there and you went home and the materials spit out of your ass. The jokes come out of your ass. Why do you think that is? I think from seeing somebody, I don't know. And that's why I really enjoy live music. Because every time I go see live music, I see a guitar player doing something that blows me away.

And I leave there like, wow. The show was great. but that solo he did and this song really took me to the next level you know I don't know why it just you know

whenever I see anything like good acting you know if I see good acting in a movie good acting in theater I was gonna ask you about that do you go to plays and stuff I was I went to like maybe four plays in L.A.

You know the years I went to like one man shows right the one he Bruce won I went to the one girl, one, I can't remember her name. I took a thousand milligrams, you know, bear with me. And I went to a play with my wife.

It was okay. And then my wife, when I met my wife, she was in a theater group. Oh. On top of Jerry's Deli on Monday night. So I would drop her off and then go to my acting class. And then I'd go watch her. rehearse and then we both drive to the comedy store and I'd do the Monday night spot

at the store. It was pretty interesting. But like a year after we got together, she quit. She got a job and job at night and blah, blah, blah. And she had been doing it for like five years. And it really, the guy who was running it. It was Bruno Kirby's father. It was in the group. so he was the glue to the group

when he passed away and then his son passed away his son was the guy in Donny Brasco Oh okay That With the hair forward The one that did the drug deal

And they killed him Yeah that's That was one guy And then his father I was in charge That theater group And I went a couple times I was pretty impressed

I've always been thinking about joining a theater group here They have a couple on New Brunswick, maybe. I just got to find the right one and do some research. You're looking at me like if I'm fucking crazy. And, you know, I am at times.

And that's why I teamed up with better help. Give me two minutes. We'll be right back. Let's read this beautiful ad for Better Help if things are going on with you. Hey, Uncle Joey here. This episode is brought to you by Better Help. Listen, therapy for when your relationship is on the rocks,

It helps you keep on track, and it keeps it rolling smoothly, especially now with Valentine's Day coming. Listen, the only way to have a good relationship is to put in the way, and BetterHelp can get you there. Listen, you go and enjoy it. What's Better help? What are you talking about? Better help is online therapy. Do it anytime, anywhere, on your schedule. Talk to your therapist on a video call over the phone or with a text message, whatever worked for you.

no matter how you like to communicate or what kind of crazy schedule you have, better help always going to have your back. Night, days, mornings, they're there to talk to you. They'll give you different ideas, different way to cope with what you're going through. Listen, your uncle Joey,

I had a couple problems when I left L.A. You know, I couldn't put everything together, excuse me, and better help. Who do you think bailed me out? Better help did it. So if you're thinking about starting therapy, you don't have the time to go through all this driving, parking, validating.

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Who's better than Uncle Joey and who's better than better help? Nobody. So again, let's say you had San Francisco. yesterday, you know what I'm saying? And you're not feeling up to it. You can contact BetterHelp and tell him, listen, I had San Francisco yesterday and I can't, I can't stop hearing Tony Bennett. Don't bell you out. So BetterHelp.com slash Diaz and I'm going to get you 10% off your first month. Okay, so that's BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. Now back to the show. We're back, bitches.

Like I said, go to better help if you got problems. Anyway. Back to you, fuck nut. What's going on with you? I'm doing really well. I'm doing, I... Go ahead. The other night, you were telling me when I told you had a headache,

and you're like, I'm sorry, buddy. First of all, stop that shit. When people tell you, I'm my ankle hurts, I'm sorry. Who gives a fuck? Your ankle hurts. Take two pain pills, call me in the morning. Put some mice on it and stop dicking around.

You know. So you're mad at me for saying I'm sorry, you have a headache? Yeah, everybody's always sorry. I'm so sorry that, you know, your mother died. Listen, it was 42 years ago. What were you then when I needed a Coke, Russ? Now you want to show up and tell me you're sorry. Forget about it.

Keep your flowers. What I'm trying to tell you is that, okay. You asked me a question. I said to you, no, I'm going to take edibles. Like anything that, anytime you have a headache, you open up with, let's say if you eat like a thousand to twelve hundred like me if you got a migraine headache you got to open up with like 400 500 just to balance you off and see where it takes you if you're a fucking you know if you're 10 milligram time or you're one of those people

then you have to balance everything but i'm explaining something to you and you're going to die Lee, if you fucking thought in 19, no, I'm lying to you, if you thought 14 years ago, yeah, about 14, 15 years ago, when the weed explosion really took off in California. And people had lollipops and the ice cream and all that shit. And I'll never forget that, you know, I heard people's arguments on why it should be legal. Me, I'm an old school geyser. You know what I'm saying? Don't come to me with that story. Just tell me you want to get high.

Okay. But there was two people. I'm an old school geeseer. Yeah, an old school fucking geyser. But there was one guy I met that was really interesting. He was like a, I don't know, like a lifer in the fucking Navy. And he was up there. He was like a 35-year guy.

He was sometimes. type of fucking fleet, whatever. I talked to his son. And his son and him came in one day. And we started talking. I'll never forget that the son said to me, my father fucking, when I grew up, my father fucking hated marijuana.

He thought that people smoked were weak, weak-minded. He just went off. And he goes, look at him now because his best friend got cancer. And he started smoking. And then my father got cancer. And now there's not a day that he doesn't go at least through fucking five or six joints. And I was like, really?

And he goes, dog, he's alive because of reefing. And I went home and I had to scratch my head and rethink that. And then that Christmas, I bit my fucking tooth like the 24th. And every dentist was closed. There was a tooth tear that just cracked. Ah, fuck. Dog, I can't tell you the pain I have. had and I took everything you know a leave night cool fucking somebody gave me pain pills nothing

and I still remember it being like the 26th and I couldn't get into see him because it was the weekend it was one of those Christmases Monday I had called his emergency line they were going to see me and I think Saturday night I was crying I got up in the middle of the night from the pain I was crying and there was a computer in my kitchen and I was on a computer and I said you know what these motherfuckers say that marijuana kills pain let's see if they're right and I started smoking pot and within 15 minutes I was writing a blog and I'm like wow what happened to my toothache well the toothache was still there but for some reason me it took my mind off it that it numbed the pain So before it was unmanageable, now it seemed like it felt like I was about to get a two-day.

Like by the end of the week, you'll have a two-take. And so now, like, you do that for pain now? It's like headaches, and if you have other pain, you'll, does it help with your knees? It doesn't help for my knees. I love to sit here and tell you and let people give them, you know, but there's people who it might work for their knees because their tolerance is a lot lower. So if they do blast one of my indica joints, this might help their knees. I think it's the same effect.

You know, when my ankle got fucked up over the holidays, before the holidays, I was smoking reef when it was swollen, and it was making it enjoyable. I'm a firm believer now after all these years that, yeah, there's a lot of benefits of THC. It also has high tar. so for like they did that test on me and one of the things and results is my lungs are scarred no shit i've been doing bon hit since i was 13 what do you think they're gonna look like fucking bruce jenna's fucking lungs you know is that what you told you doctor fucking uh uh you know fucking kelsey's lungs that they're all clear and shit i grew up in jersey i've been sniffing

fucking those barbaric odors since I was a kid. Then I stole Coke, I smoked pot, I sniffed my fucking farts. You know? Oh, yeah. You know, it's like, so what do you expect your lungs look like right now? I'm 61.

People forget, like, when I go to the doctor now, I always beat myself up. You know me more than anybody, Lee. And nobody beats himself up more. And I think the last year and a half has been me reinforcing myself that Joey, sure, you can't lift 400 pounds anymore. You're 60 fucking years old.

I would come home and start drinking protein shakes and eating beef jerky and shit. And then I forget that what I could do for an hour and a half, now I do 45 minutes, and I got to come home and take a fucking nap in three or four hours. and I know you're like it's not as much but there's other 60 year olds who can't do 15 minutes like there's people who are a lot younger who can't

but like you've been working out pretty much the entire time I've known you like do you think that's helped is that it never helped my weight problem as much as I wanted it to because obviously I ate more than what I weight lifted and did all that other shit what it did for me at the time Something I didn't know is, and especially useful for you and other young comics, is that, guys, being a comic has some great benefits.

But one of the benefits is doesn't have is there's no health benefits from it. Right. Nobody has said you get healthy from being a comic, you know. And there was a time when I got up to 418 pounds. And I remember why. I was at the peak of in love with comedy. It was starting to jizz. I was booking roles, whether they were co-stars or guest stars,

or one day it doesn't matter. I was booking roles. I was moving ahead at the comedy store. People were looking at me a little weird now. I was booking roles. Now comedy club owners were looking, hey, I saw you in that movie. You were pretty fucking good.

you know, even though I was a garbage man or whatever the fuck I was. And I was so enthused at that area, that food wasn't, when I think about that time in my life, I wanted to write it in the book, but there was not, it wasn't, it was, everything was about stand-up. In 2000, from 2003, you know, from 97 to 2000-fucking nine, my whole world was always stand-up. But from those that time period, I just, you know, when I moved to LA, I was 236. And all of a sudden I found myself six years later being 300 pounds, 350 pounds. By the time I shot the movie, I was 400 pounds. I was maybe 397 when I booked that movie.

First week on the set, I gained 15 fucking pounds, you know, grilled cheese sandwich, which is ice cream, you know, fucking pomegranate juice. So sometimes it's a comic. You don't look at your health. Now, I still remember going to Miami with Rogan and him knocking on my door. I'm on over. And he's like, come on, we're going to the gym. And I'm like, what?

And I would basically go to the gym and do three exercises. I have to go outside and smoke a cigarette. And I don't know. It felt that I was always running. Thank God, I did a commercial, and some guy talked me into losing weight. And I'm going to tell you something. I'm happy he did. And I'm happy I went to Weight Watchers.

And I'm happy that I started working out because it took a lot of the edge off of stand-up. When you're a stand-up comic, even in the beginning, you change. You have a different edge to you. You know what I'm saying? And it's not healthy. Every time I go on stage and start yelling, suck my dick, you know, you know, that takes an effect on you. You know, you can't be Zach Della Roach, you know.

Fuck you. The singer, thing in the name of love, you know, from Rage Against a Machine. I was listening to that song today. I'm like, he just put two minutes of yelling into that. If I did that, I'd just keel over on stage. They have to resuscitate me. They'd have to do the fucking, whatever,

the Hamit maneuver and everything else. comedy's rough and it takes you down a weird edge and if I learned anything from Joe Rogan when we went on the road and that motherfucker would tell me work out I would look at him like he had three heads listen

I don't know about you but I go on the road to get my dick suck, do drugs dope and watch daytime television what's this fucking working out you added but when I added the working out it changed me as a comic it gave me more control

they gave him more confidence on stage, I'm looking better. Plus, when you start doing more time on stage, once you do two shows a night, you're going to go back to your room and go, I'm sore, my legs are on. My ankles feel more, something. I don't know what I did to my lower back because you've been in hell for 45 minutes.

Right. You know, people don't know. I know it because once I got my whoop watch, I did a couple of those Sony shows and I was doing spots in point plays. And if I did a 45 minute fucking set, oh my God, the whoop would go up to 20, 20.3. I'd go, what the fuck?

I would see it, the activity. And I go, what did I do? And I go, oh, shit. I wonder if mine is because you have so much more energy on stage. Like, you really fucking get into it. And it's not that I'm, like, quiet or anything, but it's more of like a normal, I don't know. I wonder, I would be interesting to see what mine was.

And that's one of the things that I tried to explain to people, but I couldn't. And I'll explain it to you now since you brought it up. Energy on stage. I had, Doug, I don't have a lot of good things going for me. I'm not the best guy. I'm not the best writer. You know, my neck smells like yours. I got problems.

That smells like hummus? Yeah. But one thing, even though I don't eat hummus, but the hummus got punished. one of those fucking Arabians shot me with a fucking hummus pistol. Oh, who went that happened? One thing I never had a problem with was getting the party started, which was energy. Yeah. And I once told you that Mitchie Shaw used to make you do three minutes.

And I used to go, what the fuck? Three minutes? Then I realized when they, three minutes is an audition. This is to teach you how to get the party started quicker. Even when you're in front of people, you want to learn how to get the party started. There's some people that's not their style. And I understand that, but I always want you to have that weapon. How to go up there, the first three minutes, you're just ripping them.

It's like hitting somebody, it's like hitting the punching bag to the body. You're just ripping them. Boom, boom. And then I'm breathing. And then they finally go, what the fuck is this? Now you introduce yourself. I'm Lee Syatt, the Jew of Jews. And now you know.

That's great. Were you good, were you naturally good at that? Or is that something you had to learn? It's something that you see. And if it fits your style, then you run with it. No, I'm saying, are you personally? I always like Lenny Clark's style and the danger field special. Mm-hmm.

The way he came out. You know, can you, can you download that there? Can you show it? We probably can't show. I'll watch it. People can watch it. It's the, uh, just search young comedians. But yeah, we can't show that, I don't think.

But, uh, I think HBO owns it. You know, it was really funny. I saw that early on. And I was really impressed with the way he came out with the blue suit on and the whole thing. And everybody else on that show was very good. And they were all great comics. But Lenny shook you a little different. And that's what I wanted to do.

You know, I want to, and then all of a sudden, Mitchie Shaw presented to me. I do it every once in a while. I came out naturally four times. a year. I remember I had to be mad. I'll never forget that I worked a full weekend. I was dating a stripper at the time. We had been dating for like three, four years

at the time. And I worked all weekend away. I did a one-nighter. I made the most money I ever made as a comic. 575. You know, something like that. I get home back to her place. Even though I didn't live with her. I live with Josh

and she's hit me with these fucking bills. like you ate here two weeks ago, you got to pay grocery. So I ended up giving like 300 out of the fucking 575. You know? And then she cooked something, and we got to an argument. She threw me out. And she threw me out an hour before the open mic. Okay.

So I walk into the open mic with like a half a suitcase. I'm furious because that was my Coke money. I used to live in my office at that time. I lived in the office. I just gave her money. And I'm not getting nothing for that money. Yeah, I gave her a stab, and we did some dirty things.

But, you know, and I never think I'd go into the club and just going off. About that, or it was just the energy from it? A whole situation for, like a professional. I had that tape for a long time. You know I hate tapes. This tape was something. When it was coming out, I was like,

holy fuck, where has this guy been? And then it went away for a long time. It went away for years. Then I got for the comedy store and I saw Stanhope do it from the beginning. And it's a fucking gift when somebody could do it. Never mind. The best is when you roll with it for eight minutes and go, whoo, I still got 28 minutes left.

And I only got 15 to do. I got a great set going because you just improvised for eight minutes about the weather, something to happen on the news. Right. So I don't know. I'm just about energy. Like just about the energy that you bring. So when I moved here and I was evaluating myself and I was just doing a podcast and, you know, I was withdrawing from the Xanax and I was going through my own personal. struggles. I remember somebody at the store. I asked somebody. It doesn't matter who. They had gone on the road for years and got a TV show. And they came back. And I knew this guy way before. And he was a great comic, this guy. When I saw him 20 years later, I was like, what the fuck happened there? And then he showed up at the store one night and did the set. And I asked Ari about.

And then how he goes, you know what happened? He got older. He couldn't jump around like that anymore. Oh. His energy went from 110 to 20. Damn. I didn't think about that. So now it's like John Jock Machado.

For anybody who doesn't think they understand this, John Jok Machado is one of the best black belts in Jiu-Jitsu, and he maybe has three fingers on one hand. He was born with a birth to. effect, you know, it's one of the best Jiu Jitsu guys in the world. Yeah. Jitsu is a lot of feet, but it's a lot of hands. And he learned how to work with it.

That's why I went back to Jiu-Jitsu because of that same inspiration. Yeah, I got a fucked up knee and I'm 60. I'm a lot slower. But there's something I could do that I could be good at. I can learn how to submit you from half guard. or I could fucking learn how to, you know, power pass and squish my opponent, whatever.

There's different ways to adjust to your game. And that's what I have to do with comedy now, because I can tap the same energy to open up with, to grab you. But I'm not going to have it at the 20 minute mark to pick you right back up out of that fucking, but I know this going in. What do you mean? Do you mean like you won't, like if you did it, Because we talked about this a lot, even before I started doing comedy.

If I walked on stage now, how I did it at the comedy store five years ago. Right. I'd have to take blood pressure medication before I went on stage. Like when I go off, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like, if I go off like that, it's not going to work two shows. That's why you have to think about all this shit.

Because as you get older or whatever, you get wiser, you know, there's some people who, read the Bible and go, I'm never going to work dirty again. And they throw away all the material and people don't even go see him anymore because we don't want to see the born again fucking douchebag. We want to see the guy that was falling all over the stage and, you know, snort and coke and getting DUIs and that type of shit. Right. So, like, oh, so you're saying like you're kind of not totally reinvent, but like your

energy is going to change now. There you go. You're still going to have energy, but you're going to put it in different fucking places. You have to know where it's going to go, where it's going to peak where you're your strongest at, you know, and I could go there and be a gavone and go, I'll do two shows knowing if I throw my heart out for the first show,

I'll have a headache for the second show, and I won't be able to do shit. Then the second show gets who guts. They get dick, and I don't want to do that. So as a comic, you've got to be self-aware of that. Was I aware of that when I was doing comedy my fifth year? No, I wasn't. So be self-aware of that.

Okay. Self-aware that styles change. What you're doing right now on stage, Lee, is not going to, what are you going to be doing on stage at the 10-year mark? And I'll be honest with you, it's definitely not what you're going to be doing on stage at the 15-year mark. I hope, I hope I... What I was doing on stage at the seven-year mark, no, the nine-year mark, which puts me at the store at 2000.

And when I was doing in 2005, were just a little tiny better. When I went on the road for the longest yard, I was horrible. Like the foundation was there, what the headliner wasn't. And it took me a couple of years. I had to see Ralphie,

God rest of soul. A bunch of guys that are dead now inspired me. Greg. Taraldo? Roldo. I went to see him, and he was a phenomenal headliner. But I could see that they just didn't go out there. They went out there and they had a plan.

Even if they improvised, they have a plan. You know, I found out years later that Robin Williams would have even his improvisation, his stolen jokes. He'd have everything right there, the joke. He'd have his improvised set there. That's what made him that, you know. It's like the great William. Barcena told me that if you look over your nose before you go on stage, how much you look through them is how much better you'll do. Preparation is everything. Sometimes. Last Wednesday, I just got my car and drove down there.

I got on stage. I just got my car down there. And when I got on stage, I was lost at the eight-minute mark. I had the energy, had everything going, but I got lost at the eight-minute mark. had to throw a couple old jokes out, not from the comedy store days, you know, the ones I fuck around with the last year, year and a half. And when I got home, I remember Willie Barsena saying, always look over your notes.

Sometimes I would go against that just to make me think. Right. I would go, fuck my notes. I'm going to go down there just to activate it. And I used to work at like a 75%, 70% rating.

now it's not there guys i would love to tell you it's there and especially if i get stoned before my set it's not going to be there like it was well i think you got to a 70% rating because like and even higher towards the end because you did it all the time like you're like there's no way you're going to have that same rating right now i had been doing comedy three-ish years maybe when i stop for COVID and I took a year and a half off. And even I saw a difference. Like I can't imagine. I know you are probably way more prepared than I was.

But of course it's not going to be like right where it's supposed to be yet. It's just really crazy what you think about. And I enjoy watching young comics now. Not professionals. Mild professionals. Guys that are feature acts and stuff. I enjoy watching those. I'm learning from watching.

watching them. You know, it's like people go, well, when you go to an acting class, I only get one scene a week. Yeah, but how many scenes do you watch? Oh, I never stay to watch anybody else. Well, you're throwing your money away because you're going to learn from the teacher what mistakes they're making and you're going to make mental notes. That, and that's when my game improved. When one night, I said to myself, one night every, every weekend, I'm going to go see a comic. I didn't go on the road. Every Thursday night, I either snuck in DeBreya, Irvine, or Ontario.

I would call the club manager and go, hey, this Joe Diaz. Anyway, I could slip in the back door and park. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to do a guess that? Not at all. I don't want nobody to even know I'm there. I just want to walk in the back, like a consumer, and sit in the back and fucking watch comedy.

And I would make notes in my car so I could pay attention to the comic. And anything that I saw that was outstanding, I would make notes. And again, that would inspire me. You know what I'm saying? Like that would really, I'm watching a guy. Yes, I was funny, but I didn't know how to mend it and put it together. And I didn't know the high points and the low points and headlining. There's just so many things.

There's just so many things in being a good headliner, but nothing I want you to worry about right now. No, I'm not worried about it, but I do, because I think about it when I watch specials. Like when you were going and you were taking notes, please don't think I'm asking you if you stole jokes. But like when I'm watching specials, sometimes I get worried,

like I'm going to write something based off of what I heard and like that's like stealing. Like, did you, was it hard for you to like draw that line? Or like, what were you looking for? When I, the first three years of comedy, Yeah, the first, no, 93 to 95, when I got to Boulder, after I came to New York and I saw Leguizamo do what he do, I was always a fan of stand-up, but now I had, I had to broaden my horizons. At that time, I knew about Hicks, I knew about Kennison, I knew about Andrew. I knew about a lot of them, Townsend, Lenny, you know, fucking Louis Anderson.

I knew a lot of stand-up comics, and the early 90s had so much stand-up on TV that I knew Felicia Michaels. I knew another guy from the store. I knew a couple guys when I got to the store just from the MTV shows and the evening at the improvs and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. When I moved to Boulder, I just found a hobby in watching stand-up. And let me tell you something, I was not impartial to anyone. I watched everybody. I didn't have an opinion. I just watched it to learn the different styles when people paused.

Just stupid shit. And one of the sets I fell in love with early on was Joe Torrey as a warm-up on Def Jam. The Dept Jam All Stars. He was so great in that warm-up that I studied it. And one day, six years later, I bumped into him at the store. And do you talk about it? No, I went right next door to. I stood next to him and I did the bit.

Really? And he just fucking looked at me and he goes, motherfucker. I don't even remember that bit. I go, Doug, I watched that over 150 fucking times. That's one of my favorite bits. It's till today. It's a genius bit that...

Can we say it or do you not want to put it out there? He says that he's talking about, you know, his family. And he goes, I got a brother who's a saved the whales type of motherfucker. You know, he don't like guns. He don't like this and that. He goes, me on the other hand, I like guns. He goes, I just bought a gun. He goes, I can't wait to use it.

He goes, in fact, every night, about 2 a.m. I go to the ATM dressed in a tuxedo. And he goes, I make believe that I'm going for the thing. And I turn around. You know, I forget what he said. Give me the gun. Give me a gun or something.

Nobody was ever there. It was just a great executed joke at the time. You know, and it really inspired me. I really liked Bill Hicks's HBO performance. performance, you know. I loved Kennisins. There's no food in the desert. Why do you keep growing all that shit here?

You know, there was just so many things that were so outlandish that I not communicated with, you know, that I related to. Yeah. Okay, this is going to work out for me. These guys are talking the nonsense that I like. Andrew Roseanne. That was my core prior. you know.

Now, would you ever watch, like, and I know, I think I know the answer is yes, but like, all those comics are like, I can see a similarity between you. Did you ever look at like a clean comic or like a very, like, family friend? Like, was anything like that that, like, inspired you? Early on?

Mm-hmm. No, no, I knew I wasn't going to be family-oriented, so I stayed away from the clean comics. listen my favorite comics as we comedians as an art as the best in their game to me for somebody who just goes up there and talks whack but it's very structured I love Bill Burr

my second favorite is John Mullaney now you look for me and go why do you like John Malaney I aspire to be I aspired to be somewhere like John Malaney I didn't have the discipline except to do coke like John Mulaney, which also broke my heart. That broke my heart because, yeah, I respect him like,

I respected Joe Montana until I found out he did all those years. I got pissed off at that motherfucker too. I thought that might make you like him more. No. No. When I have somebody like that in a pedestal, I don't want them to be saints, but I don't want them to fucking kill themselves.

Right. That special, that last special. All of his of Millennia specials are really good. But how he took through, like, his, like, overdose and go into rehab. And, like, his entire special was on one topic and, like, just hit every angle, every part of the journey. And, like, made a very dark thing. And he pulled the Tom Brady. He got rid of one freak and had another baby with another one.

You know, he sure did. He didn't. He didn't ever come across to me like that. So I don't care. about his personal life like that, but it did bother me about the Coke because I love the guy. I don't want him to end up fucked up.

You know, and if you get fucked up on that one time, there's a good chance you'll get fucked up on it again at some other point in your life when you're not paying attention and you got 20s flying out of your pocket. Yeah, I mean, he talked about it. He didn't have a special talked about. I fucked up at 30 and stopped at 44.

I didn't really have a comedy career until I was 50 I did a bunch of things then but I didn't have a career but for me to pull that career off I could have not pulled it off with blow you don't think so if you think if you had money when you did blow

you wouldn't have been a good comic like you wouldn't have gotten to that point repeat that brother I'm just trying to think of like if you had John Mullaney's career that he had when he was on Coke you couldn't like that wouldn't work when you were doing coke. His career? Oh yeah, you're just saying like you couldn't do coke if you had money.

Like if you were a successful comic at 35 and making money like that. I would hate to be a junkie at 35 because that would take you for a nine, I had nine more years left at 35. You know, I was doing at Bad Bones. Can you imagine it with six mill in the bank? Wow. A couple hotel rooms around town that people, give you, you'll pay him the extra thousand to get you through the basement. You know, the chick comes dressed.

What's that? He told a story about telling his accountant to not give him money anymore. And so he bought a Rolex and then immediately sold the Rolex for like half of what it was worth to then go buy Coke. What do you do when you're a junkie dog? That's what you do. That's part of your day. Part of your day is thinking about how you're going to get money for tonight, right? So it's great.

But the other part of that is you're taking away time from writing. Yeah. That's a half hour, a half of your day that you're not fucking writing. Where are you at? So Buffalo is good with Josh. Buffalo is amazing. Ooh.

And where are you at this week, beautiful? This week, I'm just doing open mics. Next week I'm hosting at the Providence Comedy Connection. Look at you. Who you hosting for? Um, it's, it's someone, I don't know, he's a younger guy, uh, Stroid something, I think. He's very funny. Uh, he's big on, he's big online. Um, but the club booked me. So that was nice. And then, yeah, I, I'm doing, I'm really excited. I'm doing John Marrera's podcast next month. Okay, when you go to LA? No, I'm just, I'm doing it like this, like we do. Oh, soon. Okay. Yeah, I got to give him a call. I own a call, man. Every time he calls me, I'm sleeping or I'm doing something. with the kid, you know, sorry, oh, I'm a call.

Maybe I'll call him tonight. Well, it was great seeing you. Great to see you, buddy. Great chat tonight. I feel good, except for my little fucking headache. And we'll put this together. Next Monday is my birthday, so. I know.

Are we recording on your birthday? We are recording on your birthday. Yeah. We'll talk about it, but that's really cool. Yeah, on my 61st birthday. So I'll fucking have to put a candle at my ass and jump up and down and sideways or something. I love you, motherfuck.

You know, give yourself pink mouth. Yeah. I love you, my love you, my fuck is. Have a great week. And now for a word, my motherfucking sponsor, Jack. The check-ins brought to you by Liquid IV. Listen, it was a rough weekend. They're right.

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