The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Joey Diaz is in a 40-year war with a magician

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

Welcome to 2024! Joey and Lee talk about Joey's ongoing 40 year war with a magician from Aspen, Joey getting ready to do open mics, and comedy on New Years Eve. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self.

Greetings. Uncle Joey here. It's Tuesday, the 2nd of January. The check-in is brought to you by. Anit, listen. Anit's been there with us for 10 years, and I love them. From the Alfa Brain to the Shroom Tech, to the Shroom Tech immune. They have so many new products. How do you know? Go to audit.com right now. If you see something you like, press Coco, Diaz, whatever, and get 10% off. I'll tell him Uncle Joey sent you. I forgot what the code was, seriously, but it's either Coco, you know, Uncle Joey or Joey. You're going to get 10% off, delivered right to your house, and it's a great way to start the year with some alpha brain

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let's get this party started, Jack. Where's Lisa at? Just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can fucking rule the world. I feel you got to be thinking. Happy New Year, Cocksucker. We did it another year. Crazy.

Dude, 12 years ago, the church, fucking crazy in September. 2012. 20 fucking 12. It's been a long fucking time, brother. But happy New Year, 24. Happy New Year to all the people that jump in with us one day a week.

It's going to be our year, cock suckers. This morning when I woke up, that's the first thing I said to myself. I don't think about years. I think about like how I feel and I'm ready. I'm fucking. Let me tell you something.

This is the hardest holiday ever. Why? I could live to be 200. I don't know. Like over the Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, I wasn't feeling it. I was fucking bored. I don't know. I don't know what happened.

You know, I thought the year ended too quick. I wasn't done yet. That's what I'm trying to fucking say. I wasn't done yet with 2023. And, you know, I was bored. How can the city close down December 15th? You know, that was it. I was just bummed because I couldn't wait for today.

Why today? Couldn't wait. You know how people wait for Christmas Day and they can't, like last night I couldn't even fall asleep. I fell asleep at 2.30 after that because there was a honeymoon of fucking marathon that started 11th. Oh, nice. I got home about like five after 12 and fucking started watching it. My daughter got home about 12. We watched it until about 2.30.

And when I woke up this morning, it was like the people who went on strike in L.A. Woke up when the strike was over. Like, as usual, I woke up enthusiastic. I thought the bluebird of happiness would knock on my door with 25 Gs today or something. I thought somebody would call with a job. But nobody called.

Nobody came over. I didn't even see the fucking mailman. Thank God the Greek diner was open. I got up early and I went and got two fucking. eggs. I didn't want to wake my wife up, so I went down and got some eggs. It was just one of those years where I couldn't wait for the

fucking holidays to end. You know, like from a comedian perspective, wait until you start getting heavy into comedy. See, that's the good thing about comedy. It never shuts off. Right. Like, I already

saw ads this morning for people who are doing big weekends this weekend. Like, they're already out and fucking going full speed. And I was there. I know exactly what that feels like. But I always like to, since the beginning,

I've always liked the acting aspect of stand-up. Like it gives you a green light to act. And I felt like I could have done one more show this year. That's it. I don't know who I was listening to. I was listening to it's a podcast and they talked about

doing vision board. There was a one known comedian and I can't remember. Maybe Ron Funches. But he talked about doing vision. What's a vision boy? So I actually ended up doing it. I haven't finished again. He, like some people like,

print out pictures or just putting like what you want, like sort of like goals, but like visualizing it. And like, I actually had my girlfriend's two kids do it and they fucking love. They did like six of them. It was cool. Like it was cool. Is that something you're going to put for next year? Like a certain number of shows.

those you want to do? Well, I would, for me, when I first started trying to motivate myself when I was a full-blown junkie. I remember like in 19, before I went to prison, I had a picture of a Testerosa on my wall. And I'm like, that's what I want. But I felt that as I got into the books and like Anthony Robbins and stuff, I felt that you have to write the path how you're going to get there. Anybody could tell you they're going to be president of the United States.

Tell me how you're going to do it. I'm going to be a councilman for two years. Then I'm going to run for May. I'm going to lose, but then I'm going to get this job. And then I'm going to do that. And then I'm going to bang my receptionist, and that's going to set me back. It's, that's what I like.

I like going, okay, this year I'm going to do 300 sets, even though in my neighborhood in Boulder, I could just get up 16 sets a month. That's if I did every Tuesday open mic, every fucking Mexican restaurant that the margarita place in Colorado at the time it's still there. They don't do comedy though.

The Irish bar, the Australian bar on Monday night, I was doing 16 sets. I wanted to do 300. Right now I'm resting on like fucking 200, 190 or something. I got to figure out how to add an extra 110 sets and I figured out for that I had to drive to Wyoming.

You know, I figured out I had a drive to fucking New Mexico one weekend or whatever was onto the side. And guess what? That's what I did. Even if it cost me money to do those sets, which they always do. I wasn't getting paid.

Right. I always went out to Greeley more. And next thing you know, I was at 24 sets. Then I'm at 26 sets. I could never break 26. Then I moved to Seattle. I was getting 35 the first month.

Nice. You know, so I always want to see the work. You know, I always want to see, for me, I like the visual. I like getting on, I like being on stage and I'm calling your name, not even like them going, Joey, Lidger's got off. The MC's going to do an announcement and then's going to bring you up. And you go by the curtain and before they even explode or laugh, you're hearing the laughter. I do that. Yes, we all do that.

Okay. So I borrow from both philosophies, you know. But that was my... Writing down stuff, for me, I still believe in the power of the pen. You know, so who the fuck knows? No, but that's a good... Because when I did it, it would have been good to, like, think about more... And I did for a little bit of it, but, like, actually planning it out, like, okay.

Like, I put down one of mine was to write 20 minutes. That's easy. So, like... And I've just been slower. I don't know why. and I'm hoping I can write more. But I did think about, like, okay, that's like not even two minutes a month. I can do two minutes a month.

Well, your notebooks should look like this. I want to do 20, I want to write 20 minutes every quarter. Every quarter, Jesus. Yeah, you got four. If you, listen, if you write 15 minutes a quarter, you're going to have an hour. You think about this. Now that I know this, I'm giving you one of the tips I'm going to write in the book. Okay.

At a fourth year of comedy, you should be writing an hour a year. Did I do that? I wrote about 45 minutes. And at that point, nobody was watching me so I could save material, try it different ways and stuff like that. But this is my advice for somebody in the fourth year of comedy, third year of comedy. Once they got their feet under themselves, they write, and listen, this is all part of the fucking drill. You know, I used to write when I was on Coke. What a waste.

I'd wake up with horrible material. But if you write 10 minutes or fuck, you know, 15 minutes a quarter for three years, that's three hours. By the time you're doing comedy, your seventh year, you really have three hours. Even though you're doing 20, 25 minutes, it doesn't matter. You're fucking stocking material. So when you do become a headliner, you're working with four fucking hours a week. Like Steve McGrew. Steve McGrew was an amazing guy to work with

because he had four hours of material. Ask Josh Wolf when you see him next time. Next time you open up with Josh Wolf, you work with Josh. Ask him about Steve McGrew. He's a comic from Denver. As I was starting, he was blowing up. He was the original redneck of fucking comedy.

Oh shit. Okay. I've heard you've mentioned him before. Oh, he's a brilliant performer, a brilliant writer, how he didn't become. come to King of Comedy, I'll never know. I'll never know. It's one of the greatest questions of all time.

But that was his claim to fame, that he unloaded on you. I remember one week I did a week in Buffalo with him. This motherfucker had seven different hours. And he was the dirty show and he came out with 30 minutes of dirt that would have made

me look, I was embarrassed. Wow. How many years was he in at that point? I started in 91 and I finally got to work with him in like 98 in Buffalo, 97. We met briefly. We had the same friends in Denver for comedy. And it was just amazing to work with that fucking guy. It was really.

And, you know, now, remember I told you in the book? I'm going to write regrets what I wish he was done. That's it. That's it. That's it. And that was my marriage to cocaine. If I wouldn't have been married to Coke, I would have done it that way. But enough about me.

I want you to tell me about your New Year's Eve experience. Your first, how many years have you been doing comedy? Around four, because I took a year off of COVID, so I'll say four. I started it in 2018. So I'm getting into my fifth year, I would say. That's pretty fucking good, Lee. I didn't do my first New Year's until I was doing comedy like nine years, eight years or something. I got robbed.

I'm the only idiot that got robbed on every fucking New Year. years. But anyway, how is your New Year's experience? So, it was just awesome, man. I got it offer. It was the first, it was really the first time, like, a major chain had offered me a gig, like, some, like, other comics that brought me in. And I've done a lot of really cool clubs, but like this is like a, like a chain of clubs. This is the first time that they asked me to do a gig. And it was New Year's Eve with Sarah Colon, which is, because I produced a podcast with her and Josh 10 years ago. and it's awesome that like it was great to see her and it was just like I was kind of bummed and like you know not bummed but like when everyone was posting these New Year's Eve shows that they had I didn't have one and I would have had a great New Year's Eve but like it I don't know and I don't even know why but when you hear

listen to comics talk like they like they hate New Year's Eve but it's also like an honor to do a New Year's Chief Show is like a lot like a lot of comics I think and so just for me never it would be it would have been it was an honor like to do one and they were it was three great shows in here like I got to go to Syracuse it was a great fucking weekend it was I was happy for you thank you it brought me back to when I got like my first new year and how excited that was and how ready was and I ended up eating a bag of dicks but that's completely Well, you did tell me. I just knew the excitement late.

Oh, yeah. I couldn't sleep. I just. No, that's what comedy is about. That's what it's all about when you're actually missing sleep because, you know, when you call, tell the people what I told you, when I called you like five o'clock. And you were like, I'm getting ready to go now. I go, if I know anything about Lee, he would have been there at 430 already. Yeah.

You would have a gig at 8 and you get there like at 5.30. I'm going to go up there, that Bakersfield early and drive around and see the town. New Lee was that anal that he was going to be an hour earlier to your gig, which is a great trait, you know. But that's what I tell people. Excitement. If you're not fucking excited about something, it's not going to happen for you. There's so many fucking elements that, yeah, there's hard work and there's, writing and there's going to classes and everything. But if you're studying to be a pharmacist

and you have no excitement, if you're not talking, like when you ever go to a pharmacy, they're kind of like flat people, pharmacist. Unless you know them for a while, like, once you buy like medication to get crabs, you know what I'm saying? Once they know you got a Viking and problem to open up to you a little bit. Is that from experience or just something you've heard? I, you know, experience. They're not the most social people in the world, except my pharmacist, Christina, but, you know, there's no excitement. You know, when you see somebody excited, they excite you, they excite a team. If you're working with plumbers and you're doing a big, a big commercial job,

and I'm going in there with three old farts and two young guys, and one of the young guys is always singing and shit, torturing the old guys. about not getting no pussy with their rotten wives and all this shit. At first, he bothers you, but at the end, he's going to tell you about shit. Like, what did you guys do this weekend? Sit at home and watch football with your fat fucking wives. This is what I did. I got my dick suck with an umbrella over my head. You know, they just tell you shit.

And after a while, they'll show you the positive, you know, something positive. You should come to a class with me on Tuesdays. It's fucking boxing class or something like that. Anything. I don't even know how we got in this conversation. The edible is kicking in. You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah.

I was dying laughing, thinking about someone saying that link of meeting. I have to go back to my day job tomorrow. And I can just imagine someone walking in. I got my dick sucked in their umbrella. The people would lose their mind. What are you going to do? It's the truth. You know, people want the truth.

Then they don't want to hear it. They have a fucking art attack. But New Year's, like New Year's, it's just exciting, man. There's a comic. Listen. My first, all the way, and I'm, fuck, it took me 14 years to take a week off. You know?

Right. It took me 14 years to take six weeks off. By the third week, I was dying. The only thing was I was so enthralled in the longest yard. When I went to New Mexico, there was no open mics in fucking Santa Fe. And I wasn't driving to Albuquerque. That club down there is kind of funky. And I remember how I felt, but it was a relief because I remember that for those four, from November, from June of, whatever, 91 to April or May or whatever, June of 2004, there was never more than three nights off, even if I was sick.

even if I was sick I was getting rid of the temperature to be healthy but I was getting rid of the temperature because I couldn't wait to get back on stage and snor coke. It was all in the package plan, you know what I'm saying? Right.

But that's part of it. That's why I'm so excited on the first. That's why I'm so excited on Mondays because you have to be excited. Even if you feel shitty about your job, if you go in there with a positive, you know, And let alone when you get into something, that's yours. You know, people say, you know, I got into this and it's not working out.

Well, what did you do? And then you hear what you did, and you're like, you're not excited about this. Excited is you're not home. If you want to be in a band, you're not home. You know, Monday through Friday, Saturday, you're not home. You're coming home from work. You're taking a shower. You're eating a fucking bag of Cheerios.

and you're going to that club to either perform, help out, or be a spectator until somebody throws you in a band or gives you a tech job or takes you on the road, whatever. It's the same thing with comedy. It's the same thing with being an artist. It's the same thing with being a photographer. You have to be excited about what the fuck you're doing. You ever work with somebody and they show up

and it's like 15 minutes to get going, 25 minutes to fucking start talking. You're like, come on, guy. This is the shit. you do on the drive to work. But it's also like even just, even just in light. Like I'm,

oh, because I noticed it, I think, because I'm very jealous of it. I don't have like that. Like, I feel like I'm a friendly person, but I can,

some people just have that like, I don't know, whatever it is. Just like super positivity, super energy. And like they can talk, like you do a lot of times. Like you can be very quiet,

but you also have, I think you, you can turn that on. I love saying hello to people. It's when they want to have a conversation, I get depressed. You know what I'm saying? Like, I love saying hello to people. I was eating Saturday night.

I went to get like a bowl of pasta at my spot. And two old ladies came in. And the lady looked over my shoulder. She goes, that looks pretty good. I took the bread dish and I put some spaghetti on. I go, give it a try. She froze. She came back and she tasted it.

And she goes, nobody's ever done that. you know, we don't fuck around here. Remember the night when I tortured that chubby girl at the Steakhouse Christmas Eve? We went to the Steakhouse in Burbank and the guy put us by the bathroom. And I said something to her and she came out and she was like all excited. She gave me a number. She had to be like 65 years old. Well, because we were sitting right by the bathroom and you would just bring up like start

conversations with everybody. And it was like a group of older. Some guys were just looking at you like, what are you doing? but you got this group of older ladies and yeah, I think you you have this thing with women it's not even like you're hitting on them but you just talk to them in ways like I don't think she's ever been

talked to like I don't remember exactly what you said but yeah she came out and like had a piece of paper for you write her like a card what was it? I remember that that was a star phone numbers because if you ever lonely or some shit I was like what you were right there I was like what?

That's cake and shit. Fuck, oh Jesus. guys that cake. But I still, you know, whenever I think of New Year's, I think of New Year's 2000. I'm sure I did New Year's before that.

I just can't remember. I probably did New Year at the store one year yet. But I had never done New Year's out, and my gig was Miami, which I had just done that July for three weeks and just leveled the room had a great time

audiences were great and they wanted me down there on like the 28th or something but i couldn't get down there to the 30th because i already had a week in michigan i had to take a bus from michigan to miami all right i pretty much get to miami on the 30th i get off the bus i take the cab to where I'm staying. It's a condo right across the street from the coconut improv. And I put my luggage down. I'm hungry and I need an advance. And I need to get a gram a blow. So I'm going to go over to the comedy club. Monday nights was African-American night. I forget what they called it. Sugar Mondays or something. I forget the host. The host is a great guy out of South Florida.

He has like a host circuit down there. And I get to the club. They let me in. It's fucking jam packed. and I'm not there five minutes. I look up and it's Madonna and Chris Rock. Everybody was in Miami for New Year's. Holy shit. All right. Chris Rock went up.

I remember getting an advance. I remember getting a piece of rock. I remember going to the flapper bar around the corner of the swim bar and going to my room and being enthusiastic about New Year's Eve. I got Coke in my system. I'm going to get high. My girlfriend was down there at the time with me. She bought like a beautiful gown.

She thought she was Elizabeth fucking Taylor. You know, we were getting ready to do a great show. Oh, my God, Lee, first show I go up there. I went out there too cute. What does that mean? I went out there too cute. I was thinking that I was in front of a regular Miami audience, but without knowing, I realized after the show that they're a New Year's Eve audience.

The Miami Improv at that time was 70% Spanish and 30% everything else. On New Year's Eve, it's 90% Jewish. Hysterical. And temper, they come down from West Palm Beach and they dress up nice and the whole thing. I went up there and tried to be a little dirty, cute, and talk Spanish. Lee, I have no reason to lie to you. I lost them at the six minute mark. Oh.

And there was still 19 minutes on the clock, Jack. Fuck. You know that thing? All I remember about that night is don't let them see you sweat. Right. They saw me fucking sweat, Jack. Did you get him back at all? Or it was six to 25?

The second show came. I wasn't strong enough at the time to overcome the beating. I took the first show. I never redeemed myself. I did better the second show. I made the adjustment and kept it a little cleaner. And, you know, I was also, it was a two-man show. Wow.

Okay. So I was the first thing they saw. I'm not the first thing you want to see. And I know this going in. Even back then, I'm not the first thing you want to see. And if you're running a club, you made a mistake by putting me in that position. Really? On New Year's Eve, it's a different audience. Give me a beautiful woman, a chubby woman.

Give me a woman with a dress on. She'll do a lot better than anybody else. Warm them up, talk to them a little bit, slow him down. A guy with a tuxedo, everybody does that. I want to see a woman. I don't care if she's an opera singer part-time. I don't care what she does. I want to see her do 10 minutes and then bring the guerrillas up.

Right. And even then on New Year's, if you see, start with a magic act, you'll go a long way. Even though why the magician is on stage, I want to be outside the building. I will not go in the building until the magician is off stage. I'll end up like those people in Rochester last night. Some terrorists will crash in because terrorists don't like magicians either. I'll tell you that much.

I love. If you go to go to a lot of training camp right now, they got to people they hate, Jews, you know, they got a picture of fucking. whatever we're called. Magicians? Yeah, they don't like magician. Well, that's another reason to hate Hamas. I love...

I actually, like, magic gets me, but I also love how much you hate it. I don't know why you hate it so much. It's like a car trick, and you fucking get so mad. One of the greatest jokes I ever connected with, and I didn't even look at it that way, was Jerry Roach's joke about doing comedy and Texas sarcasm

he opened up for a magician at a bar. Okay. Did you ever hear that bit? It was one of the best bits I ever heard. And he talks about that the magician went up on stage and people started yelling blasphemy and fucking the Bible and all this shit. The devil was on stage. And I forget the bit.

I'm not doing it any fucking whatever. But that's too. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what it is of me and magicians. I just never clicked with them. You know what I'm saying?

The best is I got a war going on with a magician. What do you mean a war? War. It's a fucking war. This war started in like, oh, 1985,

1986. That's how, this is going to last long in the Hamas war. It already has it. Huh? It's like 40 something years old. You've had a 40-year war with a magician?

Yeah. He even made a YouTube tape about me. So this predates comedy. What happened with this magician? You don't remember that whole thing when Jimmy Schubert was telling us that he made a video and then I found it? And he's like, I can't talk enough about Joe Diaz. He's the worst human being in the world.

He robbed me. You don't remember. that shit? I don't remember a lot of the church. All right. I got to look. I vaguely remember it, but no, I don't remember this video. I was a 19 year old gangster out of Jersey. I'm living in

fucking Snowmass Village, Colorado, and they gave me a job. My buddy was the head chef. And he says to me, Joey, you're a muscular dude. You like steak? I go, yeah. He goes, why don't you come in and watch dishes on Tuesday? I'll give you fucking 10 pounds of prime ribbon and you could steal whatever you want on the way home. It only pays

$75 or something. I'm like, yeah. You know, I did it one day a week, but then it was fucking a great job. I'm not embarrassed to say I didn't. I love dishwashing. I would get high. I would put music on the back, and I would just load up the fucking dishwasher and spray it, get nice and wet. The whole night I'd be eaten. I'd take breaks.

I was allowed to go out and smoke refa. I came back in if I wanted a lobster tail to do a maker for me. So I went from work on Tuesdays to like Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then they asked me to come in a daytime and prep. one or two days a week. So I would go in there. They were training me to be a sous chef. At that time, yeah, I didn't know what was going on.

I had an opportunity. And I would go in there two days a week. But in the daytime, you're in there alone. So you were allowed to go to the bar and put ice in the soda and fill your own soda. This guy did a trick. You know those fans that spin around? The bar had few fans all around. the place would pack up during ski season.

It was John Denver's restaurant. What did you expect? The thing would spin around all night. He would go up to the people and say, I could do a magic trick. That was like three magicians working the room. Oh, shit. Great little fucking bar. And they had great food.

It was like a five-star restaurant. It was called a tower. And every night, the guy would go, I'm going to put a, he would come out with a deck of cards. I'll bet you whatever you want that you put your money on top of the card I put a thumbtack on it

I could throw it up and it goes up in between the fans if it sticks I keep your money dog people will come from all over the world and drop $50 bills $100 dollars there was no fives or tens there this is $1983

$20 in 1983 it was like a whole fucking Chinese meal right so I go in there day in the afternoon and I noticed that one of the ceilings is lower and I was athletic then so I would jump up high

and take like a 20 or 50 off the ceiling. Every time I worked I took like 50 $100, you know I would take down 520s and shit 250s or $100 bill and then there was an area where it was just $100 bills I figured out fuck I don't

need to jump I'll get a fucking I'll stand on top of a bar stool there was no cameras then and I'd take like 200, 300. It was all going into my criminal bank roll that I was coming back to the East Coast. I was just preparing. This went on from

fucking November to like January. Jesus. Why do you leave it up there? Huh? Why did he leave all that money up there? At the end of the season, he would take it down. He'd break it up with the other magicians. Oh, okay.

There'd be like fucking $30,000 each fucking magician. And that was fine. I ain't mad at you, but if you're going to leave your money exposed, you got people like me walking around. They have cameras in those days. They had nothing. So for fucking three months, Lee, I would go up there and whatever. If I had a broomstick, sometimes I go in there and make believe I was fucking sleeping. I'd drop a yardstick down.

One day, I went back to New Jersey and the end of the theft. So in his mind, he goes, this guy disappeared. You know, so he wasn't sure. But now I go back up there in 85. And actually I go to the bar one night and I actually pull like a 50 off. I'm just hanging out with like some guys and I go, fuck it. I used to do this all the time. I took a 50 off and I told somebody.

Somebody was with me. They repeated it. And then I left there. I went back to Bolden 87. I forgot all about it. I forgot all about it. This is fucking 2010. Somebody comes up to me.

me and says that they went to the magic castle. Right. It was a guy that was a big time magician in Aspen. And I said to the guy, is his name Doc? And he goes, yeah, I go, oh, shit. He goes, that guy is great. I go, no, no, he's great. But I can't believe that guy's still alive.

So that night I went home. I was living in Hollywood. I went home and actually called the Magic Castle. And they told me that this guy worked there. And what times he would go on and what nights. So from then on, every time somebody told me that we were going to Magic Castle,

I'd say, ask the doc and tell him Joey Diaz sends his love. Okay. And every time somebody would go in there and go, Joey Diaz sends his love, he'd go, tell him, please, to go fuck himself. He robbed me. He robbed me for thousands.

And they would go off by him, and then I'd see the people that we'd say, they go, what'd you do to that guy, Joe Diaz? He's fucking furious. He's old. He's still fucking cursing your name. He's talking about his girlfriend. and shit.

So, this just went on. I just kept sending people. And the manager at the comedy store goes to the Magic Castle a lot. So every time he went, he tortured the guy. Yo, Joey Diaz sends his love.

Yo, Joey Diaz sends his love. They got, then Jimmy, then Jimmy Schuber's the only magician that I love. But I would still bust his balls. Like, if I went to Jimmy Schubert's house and he had the pigeons out, I tell him to cover him up. I don't want to see no magic fucking pigeons.

I don't think he has pictures at his house. Yeah, he had two white birds at his house always when I first got to LA and I would go, why are you have two white birds? And it goes, I use those for my magic act. Magic acts. You better put no line of coke out there and tell me this story. I didn't know nothing about no magicians

here. Oh, I fucking, I love it. So, you ready for this one? Jimmy Schubert gets a job at the Magic Castle. Okay. And he's actually there one night. He doesn't know that me and Doc got a riff. He's standing next to Doc one night.

And some guy comes in and goes, are you dock? And he goes, yeah, Joey Deere sends his love. And Jimmy says his whole body language just changed. And he ran into the back and slammed the door. And then he threw something at the wall in there. When he came out, Jimmy said to him, what's going on with you? And he goes, that fucking Joey Dears, do you know him? And he goes, yeah, he's my buddy.

He goes, he's no good. He robbed my money off the ceiling and shit like that. And now he has the goal of the seven people in there. and send me his love constantly. Why are you tormenting this guy? Because he fucking started saying shit about me. If you're that stupid that you're going to staple your money to the fucking ceiling, guess what?

I'm going to take it. And with that, I'm going to take a break. I've got to go to BetterHelp now. Give me two minutes and we'll be right back. This episode of the checking is brought to you by Better Help. Listen, you don't want to walk around another year half of Wobach. walking around, confuse, and right now is the time of the year when you're making resolutions. Don't forget to give yourself some credit for the great stuff you're already doing.

Therapy with BetterHelp is an awesome way to change bad habits and celebrate good ones. All you do is take a quick quiz on their website, and BetterHelp will match you with a licensed therapist, and if you don't love the first match, you could switch at any time. No big deal, no questions asked. BetterHelp is totally online. You can talk with the therapist on a video call, message, or by phone. Whatever works for you. When I work with BetterHelp, I use the video chat. I want to see her, and she wants to see me. I love BetterHelp. I was running for about eight months, and listen, I'm a lot better today. Work through your problems with somebody who has been picked just for you while sitting on your own couch, on your time. celebrate the progress you already made in 2003 and make 2004 a lot stronger. Go to BetterHelp.com and press in Diaz,

D-I-A-Z, today, and get 10% off your first month. Listen, it's January. You want to shake off the Malukia. You want to be the best you can be. You want to be able to let people know who you are. And it starts with talking to somebody sometimes. That's with BetterHelp.com slash Diaz comes in.

But just start with BetterHelp.com. Read. Take the online quiz, see what you think. And that's it. If you like what you read, give Uncle Joey a shot. You know, listen, I use these guys. I wouldn't be over here talking to you about them

if I didn't use it. So go to BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. Get 10% off your first month. Listen, happy New Year from the checking to all you guys. Thank you for always being our backbone. All right. back to do what we would do best. We're back, bitches.

Anyway, no more talk about magicians. I got a little upset there. You know what I'm saying? Sorry. It takes me back. That's my bad, buddy. That's all right, brother. It was an interesting New Year's, though. I expected people to blow up in New York City. Nothing happened. You know, they had the dogs out. There was a Palestinian fucking march. But they told them, you come down here, we're just going to fucking shoot you.

That's it. Not tonight. Take the night off. Go smoke some fucking. Riefer. I feel that people go away from the fucking stuff. You know, I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. My family and I go to this church. I don't even know if I want to tell you this story because I don't know.

It might sound wrong the first week of January, but I got to tell you anyway. We go to this church close to the house. Very nice people. The singer at the church is as gay as a $3 bill and he thinks he's fucking Yule Brenner. He's got the head

doing the whole thing. He comes out singing with a scarf and shit like that. I would tolerate it. I go to my family. I would tolerate it. You know me, I go to the early mass 7.30. I want to get it over and get the fuck out of there. It's not like I go to church a lot. I'm not going to sit here and

tell you guys I go to church a lot. This is four times a year. I get the urge and I go with my wife, my daughter. If my daughter is an usher, you know, then I'll go. She's only been an usher like three times this year. But anyway, somebody said was talking at one of the parent functions,

not really a friend of mine, like a person that I'd say hello to an acquaintance. And I heard this guy say the strangest thing, which you know automatically set me off. He goes, you know, I like going to that church, but the gay singer fucking bothers me. Now, you know, me Lee,

I'm a fucking gay advocate. I love guys banging each other in the ass. I love all the whole fucking Eric Rocha story. Your favorite. Eric Rocher for president, you know. I've always loved it. I don't care what people do. It doesn't bother me.

But there's a time and a place for everything. I also grew up very Catholic. Right. He was saying that the guy bothers him. Listen, I go, and I told him, I go, listen, I don't hate gay people by no means. I got two best friends with a fucking gayer than a Barnard cat. I got two nephews. You know me, dog.

I'm open. But everybody should stay their place. I mean, this gay guy comes in and he tries to sing operating and shit. I'm not used to that. I'm used to old priest and fucking nuns that smoke Marlboro cigarettes singing fucking whatever the fuck they sing on Christmas Eve, right? Or whatever they sing every fucking Sunday. Now this guy comes along with his fucking olive oil voice and his fucking charm,

you know, like Sinatra and the godfather. And he's out there like, glory, glory, the whole thing. Meanwhile, my blood pressure is boiling. I'll tell you what. I don't know a fucking decent gay guy. Listen, gay guys like to sing, and I'm waiting. But I don't know a decent gay guy that's singing at 8 in the fucking morning. He's polishing his asshole for the night before.

He's fucking taking the chains off from his ankles from hanging upside down. I don't want to see this guy in church singing at 8 in the fucking morning. There's no decent gay guy that's up and eight jumping up and down singing Barber Streisand's song. They're all up the next morning taking the glue off their nut sack, the fucking candle wax off their asshole. They're getting ready for the week. They're replenishing. They're doing liquid IVs. They're doing fucking IV IVs.

They're doing it all. You know, I don't want this guy in my church singing. I don't need this shit. I want a regular fat dude who looks like me that can't sing. I'm happy. I even throw him the extra 20 to fucking stay extra. And, you know, whatever. And I got nothing against gay people.

But this guy is like one of those gay dudes that thinks he's better than regular gay dudes. That's the other thing. Like this guy probably hasn't had a date in like three years. Because I don't like the gay lifestyle. Fuck you. What you need is to go on fucking Eric's website, whatever the fuck it was called. More men. What was it?

Oh, boys a hooy. Boys a hoy. Get picked up by some fucking UFC fighting and get fucked in the ass. He won't be in church singing no more at 8 o'clock in the morning. He'll be out there living the lifestyle, you fuck. Anyway. No offense. Not off the year coming off the bat.

You know what I'm saying? Why fuck around? I had to come out of my coma. It's been fucking three years, Lee. And I had to come out of my fucking coma, man, over the holidays. I'm living my life wrong. You know what? And here's the thing for people.

Sometimes when you're living, you think you're living your life, right? Okay. Sometimes it grows on you. I'm not, I've never. And this is what I was struggling. This is one of the things I was struggling with. Because I know there's something over the holidays. days and shit before the holidays started.

I'm not the type of motherfucker that I wasn't cut out to be home from 6 to 11 at night watching TV. That's five hours of my night. I don't have that. I could watch the news for 10 minutes. I want to watch the weather and I want to see what's going on and fucking Israel. I want to see who's playing tonight. Everything else I could care less about.

You know, I don't watch an episode of fucking. the show with Kevin Costner. It's always fucking on, though. There's been a marathon on. I can leave and they're killing some Indian. I come back to those later and they're stabbing the same dude. It's the same thing that I left. And I don't mind.

I love the show. I think the show's brilliant. But I'm not cut out for that. So I made a decision. I'm going against the cut here. The last year, what I do is I go against the cut little by little. I know in my mind that baby steps become big steps, right? So that's why I went to the city for jingle balls.

You know, that's why Gomez hit me up today when I'm going to do Legion of Skanks. I'm going to have to go on the animal Monday night and drop knowledge on that motherfucker. You know, I miss those guys, you know. Right. I got caught up and trying to be this dad that I wasn't. I love her. I give her all the attention in the world. I keep the lights on for her.

And I'm here for her. We do things. We go to the mall. We go eat. You know, we do things. But I need a little bit of my old life back. I don't want what I was doing before. Not at all.

I don't want to do eight podcasts a week or 22 shows. I downloaded open mic things in Jersey. Nice. Monday through Friday. They also have like a Facebook page. Yeah, absolutely. Every city does, yeah. And I was looking at different things.

There's a couple of them close to my house. Nice. You know, and I'm going to start there, guys. No schedule. Hit this place on them Tuesday. Tonight that was the one. But by the time we get there, it's an hour drive, 45-minute drive. It's by my house where I grew up in North Jersey.

Yeah. You'll find, I'm excited for you. Yeah, I just want to go up to shake the rust off. No money. If I can't do 10 of those, then we're going to fucking put up the white flag and go, we tried. We're moving on. I'm going to join the fucking band as a drummer or fucking start singing in Spanish.

That's it. Listen, if you can't do that, you don't want to do what you're doing. So can you explain that? So like, let's say after five, you're like, I'm fucking back. and you wanted maybe get a spot at a local club. With that counter, you want to, or you're like, listen, I want to do 10 open mics. I want to do 10 open mics.

I want to feel like I did. I want to feel like I did how you sounded on Thursday. Right. You understand me? If not, if I'm doing it for a paycheck, then I'm not really doing it from my heart. Again, we're going back to the labor of love. Right.

That's why I love Rudy Sarzum. In fact, I got to give that cock suck. call and wish him a happy new year. I think he sent me a text two days ago. It's the truth. This is what I got to go through. I'm excited by writing my books. Do you have, what do you want to do this year? My goal is 20 future weekends. That's my, that's what I, what I, 21, 20, like, weekends on the road. That's in you see. You could do that. I would love to be able to, it's looking like that. I'm gone. I'm off the. first week, but then I have like six straight weeks that I have shows.

I'm so excited, but it's by this time next year, I'd like to be able to have like a full feature calendar. Well, that's next year. Let's worry about this year. Right. That's why I figured half. Let's load up on the idea of the 10 minutes every three months and putting up a seven-minute

video every 90 days, 120 days. You know, one thing I'm going to write about in this, I got like chapter nine is one of the big differences between me being an open mic or you guys being an open micer is the influence of social media. And how much open micers, anybody at any level as a comic, we feel we need to be on social media.

And yes, I agree with you. But as a comic and as an old school comic, I want you to work the basics. I'd rather you spend 90% on stand-up, you know, wholeheartedly. I'm not worried, like I told you, I'm not worried about headshots. If you're worried about headshots, after two weeks, you're in the wrong market. You know, because I could be my own, you know, I can be my own photographer. I was thinking about that.

I can just go to comedy clubs and go, whoa, I can make you a star. Joey D. is here. I could take your picture. Right. I was putting a database and keep rotating your pictures as you change because that's what you really want to do as a actor, comic. You want to, like my IMD, that picture is 10 years old. Ain't nobody going to hire me. When I show up looking like this, they're going to go, what happened to him?

Right. Fuck. But it doesn't matter at that age or at that level is what you're saying. But stand up for now, nobody's going to call me and bother me for a headshot. Right. I didn't get a headshot until I moved to Seattle. That was 95.

That was four years in. Where now comics are worried after two weeks. They need a headshot. There were so many things, and they're just distractions. And I think I already know what you're going to say, but I was talking about this with another comic this weekend. What is your opinion on features and opening acts having merch?

The world is a rough world. And everybody needs some. make a living. Everybody wants to make a living. I was deterred. Me, a fucking junkie, was deterred from selling merch in the beginning.

Because my roommate, when I first moved to L.A., I had a friend that sold merch. And he didn't tell me about his weekends. He told me about how well he did with his terrible videos, selling stupid T-shirts.

Right. He was making, as a feature, act, not even a funny feature act. He was pulling down a thousand a week selling stupid stuff. But he had to become a businessman instead of a comedian. Right. You want to sell, open up a fucking bodega. You don't have to go

all the way to fucking Seattle to sell fucking t-shirts, you know? And I just, it just takes away. I'd rather you learn how to be a fucking comic than worry about, because if you're going to come to me every Tuesday and go,

dog. I sold 55 hats this week that said, take a shot. I'm happy. You need the money. We all need the money. But I want to see what you're taking away from. You're not coming back telling me, Joey, that fucking joke that I told you, it fucking worked. Oh my God. And I added a tag to it. And I did this. And while I was there, I talked to the club owner in Cleveland. And he told me he was going to hire me next time I'm here. And I could just spend the weekend at his house and then worked a week and I could save on a hotel.

That's not what they were telling me. Right. The biggest thing was their profit margin on the merch. And dog, I'm a businessman, but at that level, we don't need fucking businessmen. And I'm going to tell you what. Today, I went for a ride this morning when I got up early, and my favorite vitamin shop was open. They're the best people in the world.

They've been there for 40 years. They're part of a network. Like, if you need something, you go to this guy, he'll tell you. you with doctor to go to. Like he hooked me up with my acupunctures who I've been with for three years. Okay. I went in there today and he told me

because we're packing up at the end of the month. Oh, no. Yeah, he goes, it's not worth us having a location no more. Everything is done so much and just mailing. He goes, I had 25 customers that moved away after the pandemic and they still buy from me. They still call me all the way in Jersey,

and they call me from Florida, South Carolina, Michigan. They're calling me from all these places. He goes, since the pandemic, I go online once a week and talk about something. I've got 100,000 followers that listen to my vitamin talk,

and they all order stuff from me. He goes, I'm going to eliminate the $7,000 a month. Fuck yeah. And I'll do this out of my garage. My son will redo the garage. He goes, I can have a garage look like fucking Times Square instead of paying $7,000 a month.

For $20,000, my garage can look like Times Square, heat, lights, sound boards, the whole fucking thing, you know? That's awesome. My point is, I always like the website sale. Okay. It removes. Listen to what it removes. It removes the contact between you and the person for right now,

which you're not looking for us in that. MC. Because when you bomb as an MC, what do people say to you? You did a great job, Pete. You did a great job, Lee. And then they look at the MC and they go, oh, you too. You did a great job. I don't want him out there. Really? I don't want him out there. I don't want him out there for his own ego. Interesting. And in your feature act, there's a problem when you're a feature act. I know three guys who left LA over this problem. What's that? the people who come up to you after a show and they'll go, Joey, how you doing?

Great show. And then they'll go, hey, Lee, how you doing, man? Great show. And then when I'm not looking, they'll bow into you and they'll go, we like you better than him. Right. People do that constantly. I don't know why they do.

Right. They know what they're doing or if they just want to, you bombed and they want to make you feel better. I knew a comic that came home. home once and went off on me. This was like my younger brother. I loved this guy with all my heart. We haven't spoken real.

I mean, we talk online from time to time. You know, he did this. He opened up for a huge comic. Huge! He went from doing clubs to doing fucking little arenas. Oh, shit, okay.

And every arena, and this guy was very talented, It was very fucking funny. And he could write, dog. This motherfucker could write. And I knew he had this talent, but he didn't have the talent that this other guy had. This guy had him by 20 years.

Right. He's still around big time comic. The guy that I'm talking about, he's moved somewhere. I don't know what he's doing anymore. But the particular one guy just blew up at me one day and said, you don't understand.

When I open up for him on the road, half the audience tells me they came here for me instead of him. And I couldn't believe he was saying this to me, but then I had a couple club owners call me and go, did your buddy hit his head on something? Did a safe fall on his head or something? He just called me, demanded me for $5,000 for a $15 a week, telling me because when he opens with a big guy,

people tell him he's funnier than him. Crazy. That was a sales pitch. What's that? That was his pitch. Like, people tell me, I'm... And this is me and you knowing each other. Like, I worked your club as an open micer.

And now one day, eight years later, I get a bug up my ass and I come to you and go, you know what? I went on the road with this guy. And even though you're featuring me, the only way I would come back is as a headliner. And you're like, bro, are you serious?

Yeah, I've been on the road with him for a year. He does 10,000 people a night, you know, 80 nights. I have this huge following, and this is what you're going to pay me. And he goes, but I'm not going to be able to sell that as a credit. I know a thousand openers. Yeah. Come here, and they've died because, you know, and I remember myself when I used to work with Rogan, there was a period when they would make me headline Wednesday, Thursday.

Oh, that'd be all. Logan would headline Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I would sell 18 tickets a night. They're not there to see me. They didn't see John. Did the club expect? Do you sell tickets or were they just like? They were developing me.

They made so much money on Rogan that they took a chance. They just looked, because I was going to feature that. I was there all weekend. Or me and I would co-headline. Right. I remember those shows. Yeah. So it was always, uh, there was,

There's a system, Lee, and I believe in that system. There's a system. And that's just me. I could be wrong. Who the fuck am I? I'm sitting in the basement doing a podcast with you on a Monday night. You know what I'm saying? What do you, do you have a plan for the open mics?

Do you, like, do you have jokes you've been working on? Or, like, what are you? Because it's, you don't really, like, five minutes, is it going to be tough for you? I talk in my sleep for five minutes. Well, now that you can't talk. but that it's so short. No, five minutes is perfect. Okay.

I just want to, listen, you know what the best thing is? When you run in your house and your decision is whether you want to pee or write that joke you thought about on the drive home, that's love for something, you know. There's a certain thing that you get,

and don't get me wrongly, and you know this is true. Up to the pandemic, I worked harder than fuck. I wrote, I moved my material around. I overthought myself sometimes with the process, and the process was a lot easier. You know, but I always worked very hard on material. I always stressed to my agents that I wouldn't go to the same place every year, just so those people would not see me do the material.

Even though the money was there, I wouldn't go. I'd rather go somewhere else. That market's already built. You saw me twice in two years. Now it's time to spread my wings and go write some new material and come back to you in two years. That's a tough decision for a lot of comics. I know the decision because I never wanted you to see nothing bothered me more my first two years working with an agent. And you don't know what am I, geography fucking major.

I don't know what nothing is. And they would put you like in something, whatever. Ohio and Columbus within three weeks. Dayton, Ohio, and Columbus, I'd want to shoot myself in the head because not, let's say you did Dayton first. Right. By the time you got to Columbus, it was the same people that were in Dayton, and you didn't know it until Friday night.

You've already done three fucking shows at that same stupid material. And do you notice people who were at the other shows? And that's why every show was always different with me, at least a little bit. The closure has to stay where it is. Right. That middle arc has to stay where it is. But that beginning, you could jump a little around. You know, it's not like I'm fighting to win them over.

They already know who I am. So there's always strategies here, you know what I'm saying? Comedy is a strategy. Stand-up comedy is always going to be a tragedy. And you always think about it, whether it's a two-minute open mic, a five-minute open mic, or a 50-minute headliner routine, or an hour and a half headliner routine.

I have never not You know when I call you I don't even call you before the show I call you when I know you're there Right I know you know you there Because you're a professional like me After you go get that steak at 2 o'clock And you go back to your room at 3.30

You ain't leaving until game time You're like an animal inside a room And they're just like walking by with a steak You got no clothes on and you're in a cage And they just keep walking by with that steak And you're like, ah, when I come out of that room at 7.15, when you're in that shower, when you try to bang one out and nothing comes out because it can't excite you because you're too excited to comedy.

I mean, you can have a girl in front of you're trying to bang one out of the fucking daddy. And the next thing, you know, baboon. Why? Because you're so excited about the comedy. You can't win to get out there and fucking kill them. And then I walk there as an MC. and I'd bomb because I would go out there like an animal

they want to be greeted they want to be welcomed I went out there to kill him to tell them that that kids are fag because he ain't peanuts you know it's a real joke I love that joke it's crazy

it's really crazy the psychology behind the stand-up but I don't want a comic from the first fifth year of comedy to think about that or 60 years. or comedy. No. To think about writing material and going out there and being the funniest they can every night.

I actually have that written down because like I've noticed. That's the bottom fucking line as a comedian. It's the bottom line as an electrician. It's the bottom line as a weatherman. No matter what you do, preparation is the fucking mother of everything, right?

Right? I mean, it's a same thing in everything, guys. You just have to make different fucking adjustments. You know, If I want to load trucks and be the best load, I got to be that six in the fucking morning or whatever the fuck they load truck. If I want to do comedy, it's tough enough that we got to come up to life

at 8 o'clock at night. Most people get up in the morning and drink coffee and go to work at 8. We got to fuck them. Sometimes get a job, drink, go home, eat dinner with grandma, make sure the dog is walked, and then go do two sets, which you're on a list. Right. You're wasting time, but you're not wasting time.

You're watching. You're mount the shit. shut. You don't know nobody. Nobody knows you. You don't want to know nobody. You're just watching and observing the room and that's what doing it is. That's what being an open micer is. And I want that feeling again, Lee. I didn't want to perform without that feeling again. The way I felt at that theater in New York, which I love, those people are fucking solid people. And I wish I fall in love with it again so I can go over there and fucking, you know, continue. you my commitment, I got to fall in love, man. It's funny that you're going to open mics to fall in love again, though, because like open mics is rough. Like, they can be great, but, like, they're also rough. I don't want to walk into a place where people want to take a picture with me.

I don't want to walk into a place that as I'm walking in, there's a hundred tickets sold, and people are clapping. I got to make-believe. I don't want to do that. I want to pop into a place, go, can I do five minutes, get up there, take two pictures of the comics, and tell them, listen, just because you got a picture of me on Facebook, it doesn't do nothing. You still got to get up here tomorrow night and do comedy at the pizza joint. So there ain't no fucking pictures. I'm a communist dictator.

Right. I'm really excited for you. I think it's going to be great. I'm more excited about writing the fucking book with Erica. I'm so excited about we start this week. Tomorrow we're going to talk and set the schedule. We're going to go over the outline of the book. And I'm putting what I tell you in a fucking book and more.

Like this is, I'm excited about this. You know why, Lee, fuck the story of my life. This is a book that every time a comic wants to do stand-up, this is one of the books he'll read. And I feel better to do better for me than any joke, any club I ever worked in my life. But that's what I want to do. I don't want you to walk into a comedy club

and see a picture of me on the wall. There's no comedy clubs that even have pictures of me on the wall. I'd rather you buy the book 20 years from now when you're starting comedy and go, wow, this guy answered a lot. And by that time, comedy will change again. You know, comedy will change.

But, comedy really hasn't changed in, like, what is your opinion, I guess? I was going to say, I don't think going back 30, 40 years, comedy has changed too much in theory. Like, do you think it's, I know the parts have changed, but isn't it like just open mic post feature headliner? No, I'm talking about the evolution of a comic, the way the comedy scene has changed. Remember, when I got into comedy, I got into comedy three months before Comedy Central started. Oh shit. Okay. All right. I got into comedy in July of 91 when the rumor was that comedy was on a low swing. Everybody was waiting for Comedy Central for it to get picked up again.

Okay. Comedy Central was going to really pick up comedy and it really did in a way. It gave young comics the MTV Comedy Hour improv. You know, you had six or seven outlets for stand-up. We really don't have that no more. I'm done one. And it's got to be their approved stand-ups. You see some people that go in, but those are people who have great agents. I think that we're not, for these specials and whatnot,

we're not looking at the right people. We're looking at people that have already been blown up. We need to find the people that are looking to blow up, like what Rodney needs to do. You know, comedy has changed in the last 20 years, Comedy has changed in the last 10 years, and comedy has changed in the last five years. It's an art.

It's always going to evolve. Like jujitsu, like fucking basketball, like fucking painting, it's an art. You're always going to evolve. You know, so comedy has changed. I've seen the difference. But you know what hasn't changed? Work, enthusiasm, writing, being yourself.

That hasn't changed. changed. And that's what we're talking about. Right. So even in 20, 40 years, the comics would be able to, you know, listen to that advice. And that's why, like, I love talking to you about it. I love talking about it because these last three years made me remember

all that. And that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to take a breather to ask myself, what the fuck just happened? Right. You understand me that I wish I could break this down for the people at home and for young comics and for anybody who listens to this fucking podcast that I got to tell you something, man. I went into a coma when I was, I don't know, dirty five. I was a struggling coma. It was one of those comas that you ate at somebody's house four nights a week or Joe Rogan bought you a fucking turkey sandwich.

I think that after the show. And I just saw that no matter what was going on in my life, I kept shooting on to that comedy store, right? Not thinking about it. I know that I signed with a guy named Jeff Gellon. And he started getting me to auditions, right? A bunch of auditions. Everybody was saying no, no, no, no, no.

Then people started going, hey, bring them back in. And then I wasn't getting the job. And people started saying, bring him back in again. And then he quit the managing business. I had to go with a different agent and also I started booking but it wasn't because I just grew overnight it was because of the work

Jeff Gettlin had laid on for me do you know what I'm saying so I forgot all these things over the year one minute I was living in a fucking apartment with 10 cats and next minute we were in the valley starting a podcast in our spare bedroom okay

right then we went on a fucking in my world that was a fucking blurb. Even when I wrote the book, I didn't really remember much after 2012. We went into a deep... We met the fucking... Because we busted out

when the THC stores were fucking blossoming. Like, when we started the podcast, there was a store on Lancashem that gave away bagels at 7 in the morning when you went in there to get weed. The Jewish guy, Boris, Igor, whatever is for he was a Russian Jew. You know?

They would give away a lot of shit. We had a lot of animals. We had tons of edibles. That's what people don't understand. It wasn't that we were junkies. I remember doing a show where you in San Diego. The American Company Company. And that company came out.

The company of the cookies we used to eat. Oh, yeah. With the frosting on top? Yeah, I used to tell you they were 100, but they were really 200. And I would break them in half. They showed up, and they gave us a fucking bag of cookies. I remember that. And we, you know, it was just a different time.

We were at the right place at the right time. And next thing, you know, I'm fucking doing a movie with Stallone. I hadn't shot a good movie in like five fucking years. I started telling people, no, I'm not doing that. No, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that for a hundred bucks no more. And all of a sudden, Kevin Hart with the fucking Stallone movie. And then next thing, you know, I'm having a fucking kid.

The next thing you know, we're moving offices. You know, the next thing you know, we're doing acid church with a four-hour podcast with four fucking animals in there. Lee, it just went fat. The next thing you know, we're doing fucking Matthew Perry dust. We're doing ketamine with our friend that Sunday. When I went home and watched the fucking true detective, it almost had a nervous breakdown. And then we went through the pandemic. And next thing, you know, I was selling out theaters.

and I was about to fucking do Rogan September at the garden and the Star movie was going to come out 2021 and that would get me longevity I would you know dog it all went for Bush did I cry? No, I knew it was part of the fucking game but now let's figure out

how the fuck did I get there? To me like when I was listening to it sounds like almost like a roller coaster like it just sort of like took off at one point. And like you were just doing the same stuff you were always doing. But then like literally got busier and busier.

We went to the movies with a hundred people on Christmas Eve. I remember that, yeah. And smoked dope outside the building. And we sat there for two hours and watched a god-offa movie. I wanted to fold into the fucking chair. You know, we did it all, dog.

But I had to figure out how I got there. For me to move forward, I was fucking blown. way. I was on the phone with people. I was taught people calling my house. I never, you know, I was getting emails from people. Remember I wanted to see the mentalist? Were you with me then? When I went for an audition for the mentalist, right? I think that's right when we started. Do you remember that? That was, I did Rogan a few times. I went in for an audition for the mentalist. Now I'm fighting like everybody else. It's rough. I get there. It used to be you went to an

audition. There was eight dudes. You knew two of them. I went to this audition. There was fucking 50 guys there all reading for the same role. And one of them was Stephen Bauer. You were reading for the same role? Yeah, we all were. There was a bunch of fucking Cubans, gangsters, Italians,

were all reading for the same fucking role. And I get there, and Stephen Bauer goes, how are you doing, blah, blah, I go, do you mind taking a picture? I go, no, let's do it. He takes a picture of me. I go, you know what?

I got my camera. Let's take a picture. Boom. This is before the podcast. This is how I got to know him, that audition. And we started talking, but we knew the same people. And next thing, you know, I go home and I go, look who I ran into for an audition for the mentalist.

Okay. Now, I was going there for some, I don't know, a one line or something like that. Well, that night, I fucking get home and on Twitter, I got a message. It's like the executive producer. He's like, hey, what role are you looking to do? Pick one and get back to me. And me, the asshole that I am, I read, there was like three roles that were bigger than mine that I was perfect for. But me, I don't want to ask.

I went with the role. And he goes, okay, report to the table read next week. And it's because you posted that picture on Twitter? Yeah, because he was going to be from Rogan. When I got there, he goes, dog, you're great on Rogan. the story about the panties something you know it was always something like that

that they saw me you know I was watching this thing about Bert Reynolds D.R.N.A. Okay. How he got deliverance was some guy watched him on a fucking talk show.

Some guy watched him on a fucking talk show. So I put him in deliverance and everybody was like, you're wrong. That's the wrong guy. And he goes, I'm telling you right now. That's the fucking guy. So I know what the point of all this bullshit was, but, you know, I just want people to do it the right way if they're going to do it.

Right. Not that I did it the right way, but I always used those three things we talked about. I kept writing. We were talking about the mentalist. Yeah, the mentalist. They picked the smaller role. This what? You picked the smaller role.

I took the smaller role, and the guy gave it. it to me. And it was just, oh, because of that. That's crazy. But for you, I had a fight for Rose. So every once and a while you catch a break. I don't know what the moral of the story was. I forgot.

I'm sorry. We were talking about social media? A thousand milligrams. And today I did something different, okay? I had to switch up the bong. Because I worked between three bongs, okay? Okay. There's a morning one. There's a minute after

noon one and then there's a night night one all right do they have names no no we just night night night is the only i like night night you know what i want to do something different on the first so i took the reefer today and instead of grinding it i cut it with a scissors my all-time favorite i left a little bit more paper on the fucking easy wider the thin one and i fucking roll two numbers. One of some 36% shit, Texas tea. Yeah. And some of some fucking there was something else I got.

Oh my God. 36% Jesus Christ. 36% that Texas tea. Let me tell you something. I think we know what it is it's not that you get more stoner, that you get more hungrier. When you smoke? Yeah, I was 36% hungry yesterday.

It was a lot hungry. I love like freeze pipe. I love them. But I, I, especially like quickly like the joint is a little is fun no for me i got to switch it around that's all i but i i don't like sometimes i grind the fucking reefer that don't work for me i got that separates that t-h-c i'd rather cut it with a scissors very thin leave it chunky and roll up it's a thicker joint but it hits you better foa foe foie foie do you still try it huh in l-a you have a heater. I have

like three different things and then I rotate them and there's a certain can that I use that dries it out real quick. And I put in a wooden draw so it dries it out real quick. And then I moved that batch but at the same time I got three other ones drying.

I never even saw you with a grinder. I remember you would just do it with like your fingers. Like it would be that dry. Well that's then somebody gave me a grinder and I figured out I liked it. But then I had to go back to Colorado, 1983, Snowmazz Village, you know what I'm saying? Cutting it with a scissor and fucking inhaling that motherfucker. Like, I own the cigar shop.

You. Yeah! I love it, buddy. All right, what do you got this week, talk, man? This week I'm off. I just have open mics every night. My next one is I'm opening for Josh Wolf at the Richmond Funny Bone, the second week of January. You know what, man?

you're fucking beautiful. I'm proud of you. I have no idea where I'll be. I'm just making a surprise of tax. And that's it. I'm really excited. You're starting up again. And no matter what happens,

but it's just, I guess the last question I have. I need to change shit around. Ain't nobody going to give me a job and there's a security guard. You don't want to be a security guard. I don't know. Every once in a while,

I look at the one ads and I look through for senior jobs like you know those dudes at fucking co Costco but then I went some wedding on night and I drove by Costco and I saw some guy with a fucking bundle on his head walking through the parking lot and I'm like you know what I can't take that job either I need like a cushy job like welcome to Chick-fil-A sundays off part-time a food allowance they don't give you a food allowance No, you get a card. Like, Lee Syatt needs $200 a month on a card on a Chick-fil-A Christian card. I know he's Jewish, but you got to make exceptions to make the machine run smooth from time to time.

I love it. I hope, well, I hope that doesn't happen. What's that? That you decide you don't want to do comedy and you want to work at Chick-fil-A. Like, I said, Greeter, for some good money, I'll go anywhere. Steakhouse. How are you doing? Both for me, Uncle Joy, which is I eat?

Poison. That's what you should eat. It would actually be funny to see. What's I eat? Poison. You know, something like that, like a fucking, a Rayos or a Cuban restaurant that's big time. Maybe I'll go over to Victus Cafe and try to bring it back, buy into it or something, play the Conger drums on Tuesdays, whatever it takes. Just something to, you know. Jesus Christ. I didn't even know you played the Congress.

I don't want to go I did have a very good you know me guys I tell you the truth I did have a very pleasant experience on JSX out of Westchester the drive from Westchester from where I lived was a little long that day but let me tell you some guys

for the extra deuce and not waiting in the airport for two hours I stand behind it I even went online and I saw some negative reviews and I was like fuck you know I go let me give it a try And I got to tell you something, both there and back on time, just bring a sandwich. That's all I'm telling you.

They give you like sweet potato fries. That's not going to fly when I'm 3,000 feet up in the air and I'm starving. And I'm coming down off a fucking edible or some Maluki I smoked. You know what I'm saying? So bring a sandwich. So you just got there? Like how long before the flight? the first time the flight was at 5.30

and we got there 10 after 5. Can you park right there? Right there. Well, in Westchester, they suggest you get dropped off from an Uber because sometimes the lot is too packed. Okay. Let me tell you something. When you land in Nashville,

Scott on them, listen, you know I get anxiety if I see a long walk. Especially after a flight, I can't. My lungs freeze up or something. I can't breathe. You get off the fucking plane at 50 yards, tops, to the place. You walk in, they greet you, and all of a sudden your luggage is right there.

You pick it up, and here's the beauty. You just give the lady your name, and she gives you a car key and something to sign. Your car, the parking lot is tiny. You're not walking the parking lot. B, you don't got to take a train with this fucking guy that looks like he's missing an eye, nothing. you walk out there, your car's turned down,

and your trunk is open. Okay, you call in summertime, they got the air on, and if it's wintertime, they got the heater on. Do you follow me, Doug? And it was a do-s-more, not even. To fly there, it was five. If I would have taken them on United,

round trip, it was $5.60. Okay. On this, it was $600, $600, $6.10 or something like that. That's worth it. You know, I called, you know, I called the car service to drivers to the airport.

They want a 1,300. You know me, 1,300. 1,300. You people got some bad balls. How long have a drive? It's an hour and a half. That's a lot of money for an hour and a half.

Yeah, and then I tried Uber, but Uber don't have the whatever, so I want an Uber X-L, like doctors. How was it, like, a lot less? Yeah. Like $100 or something? No, no, no, no. The difference was

$900. Wow. Cost-wise. Me, you know, I like to tip the dude. He's in the car with me for an hour and a half. He's going to have to inhale a fart at some point. I'm going to have to scratch my feet like John Candy and fucking train plate.

You know, I'm leaving some fungi, told him out dust in there in the front seat. or in the back. Oh, that poor guy. I would have loved to have seen that. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And then, you know, if they have, sometimes the drivers pick you up

and they got the ear plug in. They're talking to some guy in fucking Kuwait. And I started asking him creepy questions and shit. Like when they, Ha-da. You talking to me? Hold on. No, no. And I confuse him. Make a lot. You know what I'm saying?

Like, oh. I love it. I love you, buddy. 2024 is going to be a good year, man. It's going to be a financial rough year. You know, like people are going to fucking struggle this year. It's an election year. God knows it's going to happen in the Middle East, you know.

And if you don't think that has something to do with you, it is. I guess there's no champagne next year. Why? Because the grape froze or something like that, and they can't make enough bottles of it. So champagne's going to go up to, you'll be drinking more liquor for fucking $100 an ounce next year. you like that.

That sounds disgusting. I have no, I had no. Yeah, it's going to be fucked out, but like, does it affect you now? Like, it never used to, like, I'm surprised to hear you talk about it. What's that? Like, just like, you know, like,

current events. Well, okay. You know, like you. Why do you watch the news in L.A.? I used to watch all that stuff. You know what, man? We don't have. interesting character events anymore.

Like, they're all like either... There's nothing you can even put humor to anymore. It's so fucking pathetic. Like, there's nothing you could even... Oh, trust me. I know how to add humor. But they think you know what motherfuckers want to hear right now. You follow me?

Right. You feel me, you know what I'm saying? So... It's kind of weird. Like, I don't know. What's going on? Tell me you. So I could, you know... I don't...

All the fucking Detroit Lions got robbed you on night. I know a lot of things, you know, I just don't know what's relevant anymore because no matter what we're going to talk about, there's 18 sides to a story now, you know. But it's great. You know, I never believed in, you ever turn the TV on at night at 7.30, 7 o'clock, turn the TV on and it goes from the news to da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And they have like 10-1 now, like five of those. And the opening story on all of them is the same thing. It's just their take. And I appreciate that, but sometimes I don't know what's going on.

I don't want to give it a take. I know what I initially feel. Like I saw a baseball player was having a relationship with a minor today. What do you expect? They're animals down there. You know, he's Spanish, she's Spanish. You know, she no ablo. He don't oblo.

Jesus. You got oblo's. It's not going to be. good, you follow me? Oh, shit, that that's so fucking crazy. He didn't show up to the whatever. Who? Like the player, like, didn't show up to court

or something, right? No, he's back in fucking Tijuana. He's done. His name is, he's changed his name three times already. You follow me? You're going to need the FBI, Homeland Security, and fucking investigator to follow him. And by next week, he's going to change his name

another five times. Fuck. Those Spanish people are slick. They just keep moving. It's 100 and ID. Blah, blah, blah, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. You get in the computer. We got him as Lysayat.

We got him as Joe D. You got nothing. He's on the run. He's got your chase of nine fucking people. Nine Spanish guys that last name Hernandez. How are you going to fucking figure this out? I love when he used to tell me there'd be like 800 Lysayats in Mexico when I was dating my ex. Family took your wallet.

It's all over the place. You like the fucking detective that, walked into Mexico with the cat, and they took his ID picks and they sent it to the narcos. You're like open fucking season down there. If you go down to that border right now, there's 10 Lysayat's waiting on the lines. And I guarantee you, not all of a Mexican. There's got to be one like a fucking, you know. They sold it to more people?

What? They sold my identity to more people now. Well, look what's coming in. There's like 10 Lysayats. That'd be fucking crazy. You don't, you ever go to like a phone? pay phone in New York City. I'll come up to you.

Excuse me. Excuse me. You calling long distance? Why? What's the problem? I want to sell you a calling car. It's the same thing. If you're walking towards the border, they're like, hey, how you doing? Let's go in this motherfucker first class. How would you like to walk in there as an American right now? Give me the small tent. I know.

I know. It's hidden under your foot. Why don't you take it out? Those sneakers have been on for 30 days straight. Take it out, fucking wipe the rock, whatever the fuck, and then give me the $10. I'm going to give you a new identity, a Social Security card, and insurance for your fucking car when the United States government

gives you a brand new fucking Cadillac. They're going to give me a Cadillac. Yeah, they're going to give me a Cadillac. But you're going to need a name. If not, you're not going to be able to drive for 10 years. 10 years. I got to keep walking. Man, we got an ID for you.

At least I at. And that's it. it. Right now there's on the border going. How many fucking Lisa had is going to walk in here? I'm fucking tall as in me too. I'm proud of you for New Year's. I know how hard you work, brother.

Thank you, buddy. Chit chats, we have fucking help because it makes me fucking find some answers. Like I said, I haven't been fucking, you know, we wrote a book together. We did a bunch of shit. It's not like I've been sitting at home in a fucking padded wall. I'm living.

in my life. I'm trying to be a dad. I just thought that the way it ended before, I didn't like what was going on with my comedy. I didn't like what was going on a lot of things. And that's why the pandemic came at a perfect time. And now I'm a different person. So we got to fucking sit or get off the fucking pot. I say it to people. Now I have to say it to myself. You know what I'm saying? Now, if you don't mind, I got to go drink some water and need a little mushroom bar to watch Texas against fucking Washington. I think that's the game that's coming on. I love you, buddy. It was great to see you.

I love you, motherfucker. Happy New Year. Congratulations. And hopefully I'll see you in a few weeks. So I'm excited to be down there. And I'm just excited that you're doing it, man. I know you kept saying you were retired and I didn't push. I wasn't retired. I never retired. I was semi-retired. I was taking a breather. I was semi-retired.

but I'm just happy that even if you just do it at an open mic a week because I love watching you do stand-up so I'm happy you're back. I got other plans. I'll give them to you as they come along, my brother. You guys, thank you for watching. Have a great week.

And now for a word, my bad motherfucking sponsors, stay black. Welcome back to show! All right. The show is over, guys. Thank you for listening. It's the first of the year. year, I hope Lee and I both wish you a very, very, very happy new year. How many times have we said

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Anyway, I love you guys. Thank you for giving us a chance again on the first Tuesday of the year. We'll see you next Tuesday morning. Tip Top Magoo. Stay black.