The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Joey Diaz is still buck wild

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

The wildest episode yet! Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about the NJ drones, why Joey hates sommeliers but loves mace, why women love pop rocks and much more! Plus, Joey invites George Kolodisnky, his brother, on to the show. Joey and George talk about tormenting George's Grandma, Joey dosing George with banana bread, and George's friendship with Ralphie May.  Support the show and get 20% off your first Liquid I.V. order. Use promo code JOEY at https://www.liquidiv.com  Support the show and get your new 3-month premium wireless plan for $15 a month. Head to https://www.mintmobile.com/DIAZ Exclusive $35-off Carver Mat with code JOEY at https://www.AuraFrames.com Support the show, download the DraftKings Sportsbook app, & use code JOEY. New customers can bet $5 to get $150 in bonus bets if your bet wins. ᐧ  

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here with the Church of What's Happening now, New Testament. It's December 17th, San Lazaro's birthday up in Cuba. Let's get this party started, Jack. It's a beautiful day to be alive. It's Tuesday, the 17th of December. The Church New Testament is brought to you by Liquid IV. Listen, the holidays are always a marathon, right?

It's easy to forget the basics like staying hydrated. I don't know who does, but keep. liquid IV on hand to get you through the holiday parties. You know what I'm saying? Liquid IV has three times, not two, three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink plus eight vitamins and nutrients to keep you going. Bangin! Listen, it replaces nutrients loss by dehydration and has 100% of your daily value of vitamin B, B3, B5,

Listen, all the bees, B12. They got enough bee in there to forget about it. It's available and a ton of delicious flavors. And now, sugar-free. Let me explain some to you. That peach sugar-free has always been one of my favorites, okay? If you like liquid IV, the flavor, now they got a raspberry something.

Oh, my God. Stop the presses, and it's easy to use. Just mix one stick of liquid IV with 16 ounces of nice cold water, shake that thing up or be that there. Stay hydrated through the holidays with Liquid IV. Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to Liquidiv.com. Again, Liquidiv.com. Use code Joey at checkout.

J-O-E-Y. A lot of people, you know. That's 20% off your first order when you shop better hydration today with code Joey. J-O-E-Y at LiquidI-V.com. Please support the show and get 20% off your next daughter. Turn off your TVs, run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up.

If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you've got to be thinking. Welcome back to show! What's up, you savages? Uncle Joe here with my little fucking friend Lee. He's got his feet up. He's waiting for somebody to bring him a Danish, not tonight. You know what I'm saying?

I'd love a Danish on a hot chop. Clinton. Anyway. It was a great week. I got out there if you came to the stress factory. You saw Uncle Joey fucking throwing it down last week. I had a great time. Thank you very much for coming.

This week we got nothing. We got the open mic down on Uncle Vinnie's tonight. And that's it. Then it's the holiday season. Get a life, cuck, suckers. No comedy. Go on YouTube. I make a comeback on the 26th.

But what's up with you? Where were you last week? I was every... Oh, that's right. I saw you Friday night. Yes, you did. I had my first ever, like, little mini-like road trip tour. It was awesome.

It was really cool. I was in Red Bank, Wilmington, Delaware. I was in Newark, and then Eastern Pennsylvania. Doug, I showed up with an ounce of shrooms. I left there with two grams. No, you had stuff left? Two grams. You were just eating it like it was nothing.

Who? I mean, I ate it too. You, Josh Wolf ate a piece of mushroom that was at least eight inches long. Oh, yeah. It looked like the thing in the Kentucky Fried movie When the guys, I don't know if you ever seen Kentucky Fried movie You guys are too young, it don't matter. It looked like a dick.

It looked like a fucking dick with tremendous mushroom on top. I don't even know how I drove home then. I was like fucking pissing. Whenever I eat mushrooms, I got the syrup. I got to pee every eight months. You too? Oh, my God. I be nonstop.

I got home, I was pee all over, my pants, my shirt. I just gave up. I just gave up. Listen, I got out of the car so many times. I got to take the seatbelt off and then make sure nobody's looking and I jump out. And the dick is ready to explode. And, you know, I had the bottom of my sweatshirt. I had to go home, throw the sweatshirt, the T-shirt, 62 years old,

listening to shit. But, man, I couldn't stop fucking. It was a pissaholic. But then I went home and giggled by myself. Really? Oh, it was tremendous. I didn't see anything, you know. Now, here's what I didn't know.

Because someone gave me. Like a relaxation pill. A relaxation pill? Yeah. And it turned it off. I didn't realize that those turned mushrooms like off off. What kind of relaxation pill? Allegedly maybe a Zanix.

Okay. A small one, like a tiny one. But I've never, I don't take those. So I had one. And then like an hour and a half, two hours later, I wasn't, I was still a little high. I didn't, dog, listen, I ain't going to take one of those. But when I'm doing my mushrooms, I don't want it to stop. I didn't, but I didn't need for a stop.

And that's the problem with them. I keep eating them to see if I get back to that level. Nah, you're at that level, relax, put them away for the night and enjoy the devil. I heard that's what mushrooms, you have to, like,

if I take a gram tonight to get the same amount, I have to take two in the tomorrow night. Yeah. Yeah, but you're taking eight a night. Yeah, but there's not enough. Listen, I didn't do them since Friday night. Okay.

And then before Friday, I was doing those little stick men. Not even, because I didn't have no mushrooms to the fucking, the mule showed up on Friday. with some fucking tremendous. I am set for the fuck.

Listen, for a week. And then my wife put lights outside the house. White lights. Oh, that's fantastic. I went out. No, they're fantastic.

No, not when you eat. On mushrooms, you don't think they're fantastic? Well, at first, I thought the police were out there. I didn't know.

I'm like, what? Fuck, I didn't know. Would I cut somebody off? And then I looked up, and it's beautiful. But then I went outside. You know,

my eyes got all big. Like, and then one of those fucking, one of those shots that people do that their eyes get... Oh, Jesus Christ, what are those called? Botox or something like that. And they're not Botogs, but I know what you're talking about when you're getting like your eye test done. Oh, my God, my eyes were fucking huge. Oh, my God. I love that shit.

Like, one time I was, like, I don't drive on mushrooms, but I love being in a car when I'm on mushrooms. Oh, in the music. At night. And especially because they have big windshields now and you just drive and you just stare. Like, people, you think you were giggling at me because I just kept staring. at my cup while Josh was on stage. He would pour his soda. He would take the soda and go,

and then he would put it down, and he'd look at it, like a glass of wine. And I'm sitting there watching this. I'm like, what's going on with this fucking guy? You know exactly what's going on. Then I realized the mushrooms are it. And you were looking at it like, well, you know when these fucking white people

go get a glass of wine and an idiot comes around and gives that little, and the guy looks at it? Oh, my God, it's bold. Just fucking drink the thing, okay? Those people annoy the fuck out of me. You never do that with any wine? Listen, if you do that at my table, you're getting thrown out of the table.

I don't want no creepy people with a fucking thing coming over and make him believe like we know what we're doing. What about the guy? He has that little cup on his neck that he walks around. People spit in that. You know what you're going to pay me to have a tub that people... And what is that? Oh, because they cleanse their palate with the list.

Yeah, they don't want to get fucked up. You know, so next time you see a guy, say, swallow my load, spit it out. So when I come back tonight See, I still got it cuck-suckers Anyway, the fucking big topic You know, listen, I don't give a fuck Is the drones over New Jersey

Yeah, what are the fuck? Right by my fucking house And I'll tell you what, I haven't looked up in the sky one time I don't give a fuck I have drones in my head You know what I'm saying? Fuck and I walk around with drones I do mushrooms, edibles,

Reef for all day, whatever, I'm going to look up like a fuck my mother told me don't look up because somebody always stab you don't look up but got what would you have done if you had like if this was like Coke days and you saw drones flying over

like I'm gonna fucking dump that fucking coke in the toilet for an hour and then got out there and throwing a bunch of rocks at that motherfucker and then they I think they arrested some guy I don't know if it was in Jersey or not but then like Walmart is delivering with drones now and this dude I think maybe it was Florida

I didn't like this older dude and he fucking shot it? You can't fuck with old people with a drone, though. What would you do if you ordered something and then a drone delivered to your house? I would shit my pants, especially if I didn't know a drone was going to fucking deliver it.

Send me anything. A black chick with a one leg, I'll take anything. I'll help a crawl up to fucking stare, a little midget without a shoulder. I'll take anything. Without a shoulder and a leg? No, let the midget have a leg and he just balance.

Oh, thank you. You'll never see a one-leg midget. They put a fucking fake leg on them. right off the bat because they got no balance with that big head. That big head timbles. It's all over, but the shot, it's like the,

it's like that Roman building. What is that? Oh, the Leaning Tower Pisa? Yeah, it's always leaning. Oh, I feel like I have the midget head. My head's huge. I can't. Anyway, uh, let's talk about the drones.

I don't want to insult you. All right. No, no, there's only 15 years of that recorded. You don't want to insult me finally. It's like the episode of Zombo when he was on the Munsters. Yeah. fucking Herman Munster drank the potion.

He looked like Zambo. And there was three little kids in his house. And he went up to one little kid. He goes, oh, what do you think of? And the kid looks at him and goes, my parents told me never to say bad things to people. That's what I just felt like right now. I appreciate you. So you want to talk about the drones? Huh?

You want to talk about the drones? Listen, there's nothing to talk about. I mean, people, have you talked? This did the shit that baffles me. Okay. I got every night I'm a fucking idiot. I believe something else. They're going to tell me something I want to know.

No. People are concerned all over New Jersey. You know, they're planning. No, they're not. They're concerned that the Giants are going to win. People give a fuck about the Giants more on the drones in Jersey. Tommy pancakes. What's his name?

Tommy DeVito. Tommy Pizza. Poor cake. They almost killed them yesterday. I think it's chicken. Let them go home. Poor Italians. Like they were.

Hey, Tommy DeVito, how you doing? Good morning. It's not going to happen. They almost took his fucking head off. Did you see him? They asked him, where do you live? Not my mother's basement. He didn't know where the fuck he was.

Come on. You know, they don't care. Jersey people are walking around like Sunday, and that's what I would have done. I would have landed one of those drones in Giant Stadium where all those fucking momos are there and watch him run out of there with that poor Tommy pizza, whatever they fucking they call them.

Oh, my God. I need this shit in my life now. That must suck being the hometown kid and having it not go well. And it was a bartender. It's like, you know, it's like he was like fucking whatever. He was a bartender and they called him and everybody from Jersey got all excited. He's been bartending. They're going to kill him.

They're going to fucking kill him. For just sucking? No, because he's not big. He's not. Oh, they're going to, okay. The other team, I thought he meant the fans were going to kill him. And he's Italian. He's got heart.

Right. I don't know if you saw the NFL lately. You need more than hard again. I watched a game the other day. It was like night of a thousand black people. They were flying through the air. It looked like the Wizard of Oz. I don't know who the fuck they were playing.

I don't know. Oh, was it? No, Miami, Houston, Texans. They were flying through the air. I was like, look at that formation and shit. And every time that fucking tour, the concussion kid said, the concussion kid. Dog, it was night of a thousand brothers coming from everywhere.

jungles, ships, Africa, they were just flying over. Reminded me when the bills played Pittsburgh in like 1993. What happened? Fucking Machine Gun Kelly was the quarterback. And Pittsburgh Steelers, they have like the lowest, what do you call that? Attendance? The lowest amount of pay. The lowest payroll.

Salar. Every year, they're cheaper than fuck. So they pull these fucking brothers that just don't not give a fuck. They pull them out of the halfway. house they don't give a fuck and you look at the stat that night Kelly couldn't even that's the night he got cancer

doesn't he have cancer no that's not he got cancer they did everything to him this is before fucking rough in the past every time he'd go hike there were three brothers right here he couldn't even straight enough with little tapes on yeah boom they would knock them out they were all like fucking brothers

a super flyer Jesus didn't they used to smoke on the sidelines who just any player I feel like I've seen video of like NFL players like smoke and cigarettes. I don't know basketball I heard that people smoke on the sideline. That was crazy back then. What we're talking about? About the drones, yeah. I don't know.

I don't know what the fuck to tell you anymore. My man Nick McIntyre said that as soon as a drone goes up in the air within 30 minutes, the cops are at your house. Oh dude, I was watching a video. If it's illegal. So now you got a fucking drone the size of a truck going around. And Rogan didn't help matter as much by fucking putting my thing out again.

When I talked about Hudson County, having fucking the number one amount of Martians, everybody was calling me, fucking, all these creepy fucking, what do you call those people? Tinfoil people? Yeah. They were emailing me. Do you like to do an interview? Not really. Not really.

I don't give a fuck about Martians. They've been here for years. Really? You wouldn't care if they were real? We deal with a Martian every fucking day. You think so? I can't wait to go to the doctor's office. One of you motherfuckers.

And that Indian that everybody makes fun of rips off his mask and he's got little fucking ears. He's a little fucking Martian. All these Jewish doctors, they could be Martians. You ever notice how they're all Jewish, the doctors? Well, yeah. Don't look at me all creepy. No, no, first of all, you're not supposed to.

I don't think you're supposed to be putting yourself. Maybe Israel is a land of Martians. Look at them. Yeah. Aren't they beating up on Syria now? Didn't? I think the president. The president's gone in Syria now.

Didn't they just like overthrowing a country? Maybe I don't think Israel did. Like the people. That's what they said, but I don't trust. Who's taking over bad boys? The Jews are going in there and going. It's ours. That's it.

This is how we start. Yeah. We're taking everything. We're like Fidel Castro on 59. Land, gold chains, everything is going. And we'll give you, if you want to go, we'll give you a way out, but you ain't taking your shit with you. No.

That's Fidel Castro. where that farm, the car, that's all mine. Kiss it on the way out. Are the Castro still in charge in Cuba? I know Fidel's gone. I know Fidel's gone. I don't fucking know, Lee. It's 6.30 at night.

I smoke 22 bongets today. You know, now you want to be 60 minutes. You know what I'm saying? What do you mean? You brought it up. I'm trying to have a conversation. What time would you know about Castro? I don't know who's running Cuba.

I know they got to get Alexander Graham Bell down there. Because they keep running out of electricity. The fucking electricity thing is 100 years old. The board. They're about to go black any fucking day now. That would suck. But I... Why would it suck?

Fuck them. They're commie bastards. They should deserve no life. Everyone on the... You have family there. Fuck them. That's what you get from being a communist cock sucker. By the way, I got to call my uncle tonight.

He's 85. How old is he? 85. Good for him. That's crazy. He still opens up his bar on Fridays and Saturdays for you fucking youngsters. 85s. He doesn't box anymore. He hits him with Mace now. He hits him with Mace.

The people. Like if they give him a hard time, he just shoots you in the face with Mace. See, I feel like if you had Mace, you wouldn't shoot it immediately. I would love to shoot somebody with Mace. Out to the car? Wait, out of the car? You don't do it to their face like you're getting raped. No. You're in the car, some little old ladies walking around with some fucking a doggy. Yeah? She's taking the time crossing the street. You could just spray it into the...

I thought you were going to wait at least until someone, like, pissed you off. Just someone's taking too long across the street? Why do it to somebody pissed out? They're expecting you to get it back. Now you do it to some poor pedestrian, a guy on a bike. Oh, yeah.

Some guy with bicycle with nice shoes and black socks. You know how much I hate black socks with sneakers? Right. So if I see them. Yeah, these new kids, they didn't get the thing. If you cut yourself, if the sock is blue, then they'll bleed into you

and you die a fucking ink poison. Jesus. So who else? I don't know if any of that's true. So if I see some dude on a skateboard and he's kind of cocky, you know, those motherfuckers? Like they try to play with the fuck. You hit him with a shot of fucking that.

You hit that motherfucker with some mace and the eyeball. It's all over. What about the guy flying the drones? Can we get him? Him, I hit him with some fucking... At Leavies, when we were kids, they used to sell what you take out of the skunk. Oh, shit, really?

The juice and little bottles. and you can, like, put it on leaves to eliminate your odor when you go hunting. Okay. Fuck that. I would just throw the whole fucking bottle at you. That thing breaks quicker than shit. That ounce of fucking $65 it was back then.

It was worth the laugh. It was $65 back when? I think. I think. $82? So that's like $100 dollars now. Probably. Yeah, they dissent.

They dissent the skunk. That's the word I was looking for. And you would spray that on people? You don't spray it. You hit them with the fucking bottles. You take the whole bottle on them? Holy shit. It's just a little white bottle.

Okay. And it breaks. Right. Now it's probably plastic. You know, everybody wants to save the ocean. But back then, this is a fucking bottle. You know what I'm saying? Do you recycle?

All the time. I don't. People get so fucking obsessed with it. I just throw shit away. Oh my God. I'm the biggest recycling. I thought so. I'm Johnny Ecology Club.

My wife recycless, you know. I mean, at the end of the day, you know, it's bullshit. Right. There's people like, that building flower. Listen, go suck a dick. You know, when you're concerned with like, oh, well, the forest in New Jersey, listen, just knock it down. Do something with the fucking cups. It makes people happy.

Look, when we left L.A., we couldn't fucking use the straw. Right. Coke people didn't know what the fuck to do no more. All the straws are made out of paper. Right. Why was the reason? Because it gets stuck in the dolphins fucking thing, and he can't. breathe. Listen, I love

animals. Right. But I like straws better. You know what I'm saying? Fuck them. You want to drink a milkshake without a straw? No. My fucking guess. An egg cream without a straw, a nice black cream soda from the Jewish place. You need a straw. They want to give you paper straws to Benz. It's the worst. What happened to us at that pizza? Happened all

the time. The night that you said you like your crust crispy. I do like my crust-crispy. That's the night that I was like, what the fuck of these people talking about? Yeah. It's fucking especially with like a milkshake that would piss me off. Can you imagine? I can't use the straw because the dolphin. Fuck dolphins. And look what happened. They tested

the ocean. They're all coke the fuck out. Really? Every summer those sharks are fucking going crazy for the last 20 years. Why? Because of the coke in the water. Now that, you know, and now people don't throw plastics in there. They used to eat those pens. How many fucking pens with those big pens? You took the thing out. You did a line of coke and you put it back.

And then a week later, your grandmother's like, Why? I licked the thing and my tongue got numb. Listen, I don't know what to tell you, Graf. And I know that happened to you, George. Somebody would lick the fucking thing off. Those pens were the best Coke thing in the world. You can make believe you're insurance salesmen. Pop it out and do a line anywhere.

Really? You use big pen covers? Big pen with a king. The king of cocaine. They were cousins with Pablo. Do you think they did it on purpose? Lee, I don't fucking know. It just happened.

Like little spoons that you could... Look at the fucking little fag that drew the happy heart. What happy heart? The fucking happy heart that all you happy people text of people. The little happy fag face, right? That thing was invented in like 1950. Some guy was doodling. He sent it in for a patent.

And the rest of it, in the 70s, that shit was on everything. The smithms, right? Your son glad. Everybody was happy. Right. Everybody was happy. I don't see you being like a hippie. Like, did you ever dress like?

like a hippie at all. Not in a million fucking years, but listen, this is what the problem with America is. Today, Snoop Dog put a picture of Marvin Gia. The cover of one of the albums. He's fucking just a G. You know, put that same cover up today.

The guy's got a fucking Charles Bronson hat. He's got a cigarette. He's got an earring. I've got a fucking Christmas tree and his fucking tattooed. You know, we live in a society where it's like, what I used to when I left LA.

If I could pick the director, when I walk on the set, it's not going to be good. Right. Not going to be good. What's that director look like? The rolled-up sleeve with the... Because God forbid, they don't show that fucking tattoo. The hat with the feather,

the Chinese assistant, you know, I see you coming. Right. You know what I'm saying? Remember my ex-brother-in-law, the Kings? They could out-ski anybody. These motherfuckers showed up on the hill with jeans. and now you see these people

like protectors and a helmet and you're terrible. You can't even fucking ski. My brother-in-laws would get off and get out of a truck and go into fucking ski things and win first place. Why everybody else had padding and, you know, the protectors

and that's the problem you have now. Right. That, you know, everybody wants to have an image. Everybody's got a got purple fucking hair. Mm-hmm. And when I was growing up, you go, look at that fucking jerk off. Now people are like, oh, how cool.

No, he's not fucking cool. This is how he gets you to make believe that he's better than you. Right. Or whatever. Oh, my God. I wish I could be that cool. He ain't dick. He ain't dick that dude.

Marvin Gay was fucking cool. What did he do that was so cool? Why do you like? I know who Marvin Gay is. What did he do that make people cool? A bunch of black people fucked because of Marvin Gay. That one album with sexual healing. Yeah.

That was a different type of brother. That dude would have had a hard time today. What would have happened to Marvin Gay? He was just, he got shot by his fucking father. Oh shit, I forgot about that. That's what that expression comes from. When Tony Suprano got shot, everybody kept saying he got Marvin Gaye. That's why his father or stepfather, somebody shot him.

But there's a fucking YouTube tape. A Marvin Gay fucked up in his basement. the band. He's laying on the couch like this, fucked up from the night before. They're playing, and he's singing. That's how bad that motherfucker was. And he was singing well? It was like... Unbelievably well. Unbelievable well.

Jesus Christ. Unbelievable. That motherfucker was so black. He said, fuck you white motherfuckers. He went to Germany. He went to Germany. I didn't know black people wanted to He went to Germany with a big bag of Coke and wrote like two fucking albums. He locked himself in Luxembourg, whatever the fuck. Okay.

You know, everybody else is jumping up and down in Motown. He said, fuck you motherfuckers. I'm taking my cocaine dick to fucking Germany. Holy shit. And what did he dress like? Did he dress just like normal? No, like a smooth black motherfucker that, you know, Superfly shaft. When those guys walked in the room, they were black, you knew it.

You're like, that's a cool motherfucker. Yeah. It's like when Steve McQueen walked in the room. That dude was it. When James Colburn walked in the room. Say what you want to say, when John Gotti walked in the room. That motherfucker came in your house with a $2,000 suit on and shoes shined 15 times to lay your head.

You know what I'm saying? The motherfuckers were buffed to the max. I would love to get my head buffed. Certain people that you look at and you're like, God damn. Elvis Presley in 68 with that black. suit on. Nothing beats that. Maybe. Maybe Jim Morrison at the Hollywood Bowl with the leather pants on in 1969. Shit. With some snake on him or something like that. He had like some snake belt or something. Really? And you never, because like, you could. What can I do? That would

be cool. I don't know. Cool. A nice suit? Fucking shave my ears or whatever the fuck. Get a tattoo on my face of a cross. Shave your ears. What can I do? dress up like, you know. You wouldn't wear like a $2,000 suit? For what? I'm a piece of shit. You can't put a silk hat on a pig. And I don't say it like that.

Listen, the truth is, I don't look good in the suit. Really? I don't feel good. I don't feel comfortable. Yeah, they do so. I just don't feel comfortable in a suit. What difference does it make if I walked into your restaurant on a $2,000 suit on? Who am I kidding?

And a BMW outside. I double park it so everybody sees it. Do you have like anything you'd wear a suit for now or are you just done with suits? When you die. No, no. Thank you. I appreciate that. I would never do something like that.

I mean... No, I would hope you wear a suit if I died. A suit now, something really special, you know? Right. But to wear a suit to be fucking cool. Right. I don't know. My last suit, I bought a Coles.

Yeah. For the premiere of the surprise. That's hysterical. You bought it at Coles? Yeah. I didn't even know Cole's still in suits. And you know, what do you want me to do? You want me to go buy an Armandie suit? What would an Armani suit? I mean, I look a lot better.

Right. But inside, I wouldn't feel that much better. I'd still feel like the guy that robbed the jewelry store. Well, you don't. You know what I'm saying? Like, and that's the truth. Right. Because it's, like, you lived in L.A. and you spent a lot of time in Europe.

Like, I walk around New York, and I just see people like men who look cool. Like they know, I wear jeans in a sweatshirt. The only cool-looking white man today is the dude who's married to Spice. Spice. He had an affair. That motherfucker guy had 2,000 affairs. The little guy, the soccer player. Oh, yeah.

Beckham, yeah, David Beckham. That's the coolest-looking white man in the world right now. I saw him in person. I almost sucked his dick. That's how cool. When you see him in person, you're like, God, damn. Out in the street and Broadway talking to people. What up?

I got out of the car and I'm like, what's up, dog? He's like, hey, how you doing? I never even went to that stadium. In L.A. Yeah, and I go, last time I saw you was at the stadium. He's like, oh, yeah. And then we started going, when are we going to do the podcast with Rogan? Let's go down there right now.

He wanted to go right now. Holy shit. Call Joe right now. I want to go down and do fuck in this podcast. He goes, the only way I'll do it is with you and Joe. I don't want to go in there by myself because Joe gets too smart. I want to go in there with just you. He was that cool, but when you see him on the, on 74th and Broadway,

on the fucking corner, you're like, God damn, that dude is smooth. Oh, yeah. That's just some people. And then there's other people that dress up like a fucking idiot. But I know who they are. Like, I don't know who they are, but they got to be somebody. Right. They're dressed up like a fucking idiot.

You know, or the big beard. You know, why? Right. You're Dominican. Why do you have the beard down to here that look like Holly, Baba. Why? Your parents came over like my parents on a boat a stick.

You have very weird rules about beards. Like every time I let my beard go for like four days. Because I know who has a beard for real, and I know who has a beard for show. There's two different things. When I see Hamas, they got a beard because they're bad motherfuckers when they earn it. Okay, they flew on little petals and kidnapped Jews.

You want a beard, you earned it, Cotsucker. Okay? You follow what I'm saying to you? But if you're just going to have a beard to confuse people. Because you look at yourself in the mirror. Type up what a terrorist

look like. If you got that beard with that stupid fucking look on your face, you got to go to yourself, what's wrong with me? It's like when somebody goes to jail and they get tatted up, let them get tatted up.

It's this new generation that wants to get tatted up to their finger. I saw a chick with a black sleeve. Why would a beautiful woman do that? Oh, she wants to send an artist's street. Because she's an idiot. Because God forbid somebody don't stop. That is so...

And they take that home. We have friends on Facebook that write blogs. There are no business to write blogs. And no business. At three hours, you got to check it. You ain't got that type of time. Right. Go do what you got to do, which is fucking stand-up. You just wrote a 10-hour thing.

You could have wrote fucking five jokes. And what do they write it? Look at the final result. So people say how brave they are. It's not because they wanted to write it. Right. It's because, God forbid, you know, before I left L.A., I was at the park during the pandemic, like everybody was.

And there was a family there, and we were talking to them. Until this fucking day, she works in New York, full time. Big money. Big money. A family is in D.C. He's from D.C. They won't move here. And you ask yourself why?

There's no need. Shut the fuck up. How is there no need? Because they might have a better life in D.C. No, no, no. You're not fucking foul on me. Okay. What I'm trying to say to you is they're based out of New York,

but they live in L.A. I asked myself why didn't they leave? because that whole fucking thing would disappear. That whole little, oh my God, so brilliant. I've never seen a bunch of people that called L.A. should be landed at Brilliant. Everybody's brilliant. Everybody's a genius. Oh, that's a beautiful one.

He's a genius. Listen, if they were a genius, they're being Cuba. Figuring out the fucking light bulb down there, a situation. Okay, that's a genius. You know what I'm saying? That's a genius Not some fucking idiot Like me

You know He Joey's a genius No Joey's not a fucking genius He goes on stage And he tells dirty jokes He learned how to do comedy On a fucking corner In North Bergen

Right by Hashways You had to be the, You know, I came from the hometown That you just didn't throw a joke out Do you follow I'm saying Like I grew up with guys that If you threw a joke out That motherfucker better hit

Because if it don't hit everybody's going to look at you, and then you're going to lose the right to talk again for about a year. Okay? That's the society I grew up in. Not these idiots that could just say, oh my God, he's a genius.

Not you're a fucking moron. And say that again. I'll hit you right in the head with a stick. You know what I'm saying? Like, anyway, sorry people. I get emotional about these fucking idiots. No, I mean, L.A. is the home of it. Like, they're...

The home of it. And now we have pieces of it here. don't even think that we're fucking beyond the we got pieces of it here but the only the fucking what are they called the hipsters no the hipsters they're gone uh the real wives of new jersey oh jesus a bunch of chubby chicks yeah the real wives in new jersey what nobody else got wives let's go to fucking utah everybody's a wife in utah now the real wives of new jersey and they walk around like Sinatra. You think that fucking Sinatra

in New Jersey. I hate those shows. All they do is yell and they have them in, I hate that I know this, but they do have them in Utah. They have that show in every fucking city. You big dummy Utah is where Mormons are. I know they have fucking seven wives. And they have that show. They have real housewives of saltways.

You see the idea with people? What do you mean? What do you mean? Oh. We'll take a quick break. break and talk to you people about a few ads here. We'll be right back. Hey, Uncle Joey again here.

Listen, we all love a great deal. Who doesn't? And Mint Mobile has a great deal when it comes to sell service. Get amazing wireless service for Justin. You ready for this? 15 bucks a month with the purchase of a three-month plan. It's that easy. No hoops to jump through and no BS.

All Mint Mobile plans come with high-speed. data and unlimited talk and texts, all delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Listen, you know me, Doug. Mint Mobile is tremendous plus. 15 a month, the three months, 45 bangers. Where are you going to get that? You get text all over the world in case you see more satellites and you're, I don't know. Listen, it can't be more easier to make the switch.

All right. Get the new customer offer and your three-month premium wireless. plan for just 15 bucks a month. Again, go to mintmobile.com slash Diaz. D-I-A-Z. That's mintmobile.com slash Diaz. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash D-I-A-Z.

45 up front. They ain't playing games. You know what I'm saying? And it's required for 15 a month. Three times 15 is 45 last night check. New customer. customers first three month plan only. That's it. Speed slower than 40 GB on unlimited plans and additional taxes, fee, and restrictions apply. Seamint Mobile for details. Merry Christmas.

We're back, bitches. I was telling Lee after his surgery, he can't walk around with no fucking eyepatch. What if they made me? Listen, Jews don't wear eyepatch. I want you to walk out with that eye like fucking staring at people like that. do great on stage. Fucking open wound. Or an eyepatch. I don't know which one is worse. Listen, when you do comedy,

you walk out there and go, I have my eye on you, like the fucking teacher. Jesus Christ. Yeah, Jews don't wear eyepatches. I think some of them do. No, they don't. Look at the fucking log.

Look at the happy duty Jews. They never wear eyepatch. Yeah, if you went to Auschwitz, you got problems, you went two eyepatchers. No, I don't think they gave out of Apaches. Yes, they did. They gave my patches. No.

Oh, shoot, it's anyway, sorry about that gut. Ooh, anyway. It's a new fucking year, man. Yeah. Let's cut the shit. Like, Christmas, yeah, he, he, but on next Thursday, you motherfuckers, we got five days left before all shit breaks loose in 2025.

So hope you motherfuckers are ready, Doug. Think about that. All shit's going to break, you have to assume right now. What do you think? I think that these fucking drones are going to land and they're going to come out and give people flowers. I don't fucking know, you know. He's going to get inaugurate on the 20th.

Who knows what's going to happen after that? But as far as I'm like, I don't give a fuck about the outside of it. I'm going to be a good year for us. We got comedy shows. We got fucking Philadelphia. We got Nikki Ashkelis. We got Nick McIntosh. We got the birthday boy.

He won't eat another second piece of fucking mushroom on his birthday. day. Well, because you've been saying... I only do, anyway. And you're not really a negative dude, and I don't think necessarily you're being negative, but you've been saying for a while now, like that you think shit's about to pop off. And I think we're right on the edge. I definitely

think we're right on the edge. But there is... Something's got to give, guys. Before eggs go down, before the price of eggs go down, something's got to give. I'm not really sure what you mean by the eggs. Anyway, everybody's thinking about like, you know, hopefully prices are low.

Oh, well, that would be good then if I mean... Dog, I was gonna fly my Cuban friend and... Okay. To cook for my wife on her birthday. I might as well buy a fucking plane. Because Miami's always, like, you can't get a ticket to Miami right now. No? No.

Once the 23rd comes, the 20th, I don't know what it is about Miami. And after the 26th, forget it. Well, I bet it's even super more expensive. Go look right now. American Airlines, December 26th. to Miami coming back on the first. Would you do me that favor? Watch the fucking price.

But especially from here. I remember that one year I did Miami late? Yeah. My fucking ticket was $1,200. Jesus, too. And I kept saying what it is, and because everybody goes to Miami for New Year's. Mm-hmm.

And it's crazy here, too, like flying to New York. And New York has been busy. Like, I was out yesterday. It was fucking packed out. How about? That's not bad. That's not good.

And you're sitting in the back of the plane, though. 11.50. With criminals and people with COVID. Yeah. You don't even get water for 1150. They just put you back there. Like, nah. You don't even count 1150.

Have you noticed like they have like, they have like boarding zones up to like 10 now? Oh yeah. I'm done. Listen. Enough. You know what? I don't care if they have 20 fucking boarding zones.

You're not going to see pop on any of those planes. No. First of all, what they do, is I looked at tickets. I always, you know, listen, guys, I'm a nerd. I get stoned that night, and I look at, like, I love to go back to L.A. for a couple days. I was going to take mercy to see a concert. The same ticket I paid $1,200 for, triple. And I couldn't even get a flight out of Newark. It was sold the fuck out. JetBlue Mint from JFK to L.A.X is the best. You get your own little window. You close the door. You close the door. You scratch your nuts. You fucking do edibles. You watch movies. You do work.

They give you a fucking blanket. Used to be $900. $9.99. Maybe $11.50 tops. For first class. Mint. Right. And remember, I don't know if you've been on fucking...

The row behind that, JetBlue has like three or four rows. Do they're just as good as first class? They used to. I heard JetBlue kind of sucks. now. It fell through a little bit. Listen, I haven't been on Jet Bluson before like Spirth. Like Spirit, Potham, is what someone told. But everything fell down. Yeah.

How many fucking flights you get at Newark? And all of a sudden, there's no Wi-Fi. What? I gotta go to fucking Australia. How the fuck is there no Wi-Fi? Yeah, I gotta go to Australia. Yeah. I paid $92,000 and you ever drop this no Wi-Fi on me now. Go fuck your

something. This can't happen. This can't happen. This can't happen. I never would have thought you'd be upset about Wi-Fi It doesn't fucking matter But I'm thinking about the business guy I'm thinking about that lawyer That finally has to get on the plane and go

I got 14 hours to Auckland, Australia To do this shit And now these fucking United people Are telling me that there's no fucking internet Or they ran out Oh the food didn't How many plays that I got on last year? Maybe 10

Two of those flights where we're sorry If you're hungry Go fuck yourself We got nothing for you not even a cracker. You might as well chew on that napkin. You know what I'm saying? Like, they're out of control.

That's not fair, guys. That just, listen, at that point, you're just getting abused and you're taking it. And when you call United to complain, you're number 2,000 on the slot. It's going to, they'll call you back in 20 hours to get the complaint. And by that time, you forgot what the fucking complaint was. Right. They know what they're doing. They know exactly what the fuck they're doing.

Speaking of which, you called someone this week. and didn't trust like the I'll call you back thing? Do you remember that when you were on the phone speaker phone? And it's like, hey, if you want to hold your place in line, put your number in and we'll call you back. And you stayed on hold for like 40 minutes because you didn't trust. No, I don't want them to call me back. I finally got on this fucking line.

I just got these motherfuckers on the line, and I'm going to hold them fucking to it. You ever get on those lines? And all of a sudden, the fucking thing goes down, like all of a sudden he just call back goodbye you're like bitch

I just lost 35 fucking minutes if I was 21 I wouldn't be so mad but 20 minutes to me at my age that's a big that's a big chunk

of fucking life right now you know I don't plan to live 100 you see his poor it's his birthday today he's 100 listen

shoot me now for 15 years I gotta have a diaper people pet me and shit I got three ears just shoot me the fuck now I don't want to live to be

Joe Dia is the oldest American Get the fuck out of here He doesn't piss He doesn't have a dick no more He's so old his toenails Stop growing The fungus gave up There's no fun in that

There's no fun in being Like my uncle's 85 And he acts like he's 65 He bitch to me You know, he bitch on the fucking phone To me every time I call him But you know He still walks five miles a day

he still punches the bag for a half hour every fucking day and he works on Friday's and Saturday he's the first guy they'll tell you the first time you sit on that couch for a week you die after 65 he goes if you sit on that couch for one week you'll fucking die and he's right that's why I'm buck wild now

still eating mushrooms fucking looking at dirty pictures the whole thing I'm wilder than never I don't think those are on the same level I think plenty of 65-year-olds look at dirty pictures. I don't think a lot of waiting on 65 yet, but Jesus Christ. I never looked at dirty pictures before. What are you talking about?

You never looked at dirty pictures? I don't listen. I don't even. I have one playboy in my house, and it's the one when Hollywood Henderson is. Let's pull out your history. I don't believe. What do you mean? You never looked at dirty pictures?

You never looked at porn before? No, I made porn. What are you looking at it when you, you know? The crazy thing is when I was doing drugs, Like after I stopped doing drugs That whole sex life of me Disappeared I wasn't a fucking

I didn't like fucking sober I'm not gonna carry my girlfriend in With roses and I love you get the fuck out of it I like to be fucked up And cokeed up and put coke on that pussy And all rules understood You know what I'm saying If I got a little bubbly

You put that in their snatch And eat that pussy with the fucking champagne Or whatever you got, Tick-Tac Whatever the fuck you got those explosives You know me? Pop Rocks? Pop rocks? Oh my God.

Women love when you put pop rocks in their pussy. They go fucking bananas. But you're not going to meet a girl on the bar and listen. Let's go back to my house and put some pop rocks in your pussy. You're too sober. They'll look at you. They'll call 911. You got to get them nice and soft, a couple lines of cuck.

They get all crazy and shit. And then you go, listen, I'm going to make your pussy blow up. Really? Yeah. And you put those pop rocks on it. They go, fuck. It's like the Fourth of July drones. Holy, because I remember you telling me to do that with pop rocks.

In the 80s, I would show up with pop rocks or cape on. I used to have fun. I used to have fucking fun doing Coke with brads and fucking eating ass and, you know, doing nasty shit. Are you telling me on Coke, you put pop rocks on their pussy, but without Coke, you're too embarrassed to look at porn? Oh, without coke, I'm worthless. I still love eating pussy. I'm married 25 fucking years.

I still love eating that dirty pussy, but, you know, I lost my thought there for a second. I'm an old man, pussy, what? Anyway. You said without Coke, you don't really go crazy. I don't go crazy. I don't pull hair. You know, when you do coke, you could choke him to death.

They like all that shit. Call them that. nasty names and shit, you know, that's what doing coke. And women who did coke, they know that's part of it. They know that's, first off, a woman does coke and she wants to have sex, she better know that her muscles are going to work in her mouth because you get dead dick, you know, while you're talking about in the third grade, my father stuck a few, you know, all of a sudden you're dead, your dick dies, and they got to start from scratch again.

Right. You know, and then once you eat their snatch and you get a little hyped up, then, you know, Why are we talking about this? I don't know. It's the holiday season. You know what I'm saying? Why are we talking about? I was just thinking out of YouTube is going to love this one.

And a woman's poor monkey a week before Christmas. We should be talking about, you know. What do you want to talk about? You know, like, blind kids marching at the tree. I don't fucking know. I don't think they go to see the tree. Oh, my God. Well, people have no ideas that for me to come back to comedy

and fucking do what I do with the podcast, I'm going all out, guys. No more this fuck, I could care less. I'm too old. I had no rules when I was 30. Why would you think you're going to put rules on me when I'm 60 fucking one, 62, whatever the fuck I am? You know, it's over.

I'm here to have some fun. Whether it's a podcast, do stand up, we're going to say shit. People are going to say shit. That's part of it. being what we are. And what? I got to stop saying shit because people's feelings, whatever. It's not

even about feelings. It's about raising your hand and going, oh, I didn't like that joke. Go fuck yourself. I don't like pickles in my tuna. You know what saying? I don't like a lot of fucking things. I don't like a lot of fucking things. Anyway, we're going to take a little breather here. We're going to talk to you about some Christmas stuff

and some Christianity. No, we're going to take a little breather and talk to you about I don't know. We'll be right back. Hey guys, Uncle Joey here for Draft Kings. Listen, it's the most wonderful time of the year for getting in on all the hoops, football, and hockey action at Draft King Sportsbook. Listen, in the season of giving, we're being gifted college football and basketball and pro football and pro basketball and even hockey for you savages.

With all the games going on, it's time to place a couple bets. Listen, you got to make the games more interesting. You're sitting there with grandma and the rest of these schnooks. Come on, let's get the party started. Give grandma a shot of tequila. Let's see what she's made of, you know what I'm saying? So go ahead and try your hand at winning back what you spent on Christmas gifts at Graf King's Sportsbook. Listen, I got a tremendous offer for you.

And here's a gift for all the customers. Bet $5, and I'm going to throw you $150 in bonus bets if your bet wins. How easy is that? $5, a buck 50 in bonus bets if you're best. Bet wins. Who's better than you? Download the Draft King Sportsbook app right now. Right now. If I play games, pressing code Joey, J-O-E-Y. That's code J-O-E-Y for new customers to get 150 in bonus bets if your bet wins. When you just bet $5. That's it, just $5. So do yourself a favor. Happy holidays from Draft Kings. Download the Draft King's Sportsbook app right now. Use code. What is it up there?

Joey, J-O-E-Y, and let's get the party started, all right? On the way. Draft Kings and myself and the whole Church New Testament wish you a very happy holidays. Gambling problem, call 1-800 Gambler. In New York, call 8778-Hope-N-Y or text Hope & Y 467369. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-889-7777 or visit ccpg.org.

Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas, 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bet must win to receive reward. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.co slash B-Ball.

Uncle Joey here, listen, when it's all said and done, it's the memories that mean the most to us. This holiday season, give the gift of letting your family relive their favorite times with an aura picture frame. named the number one digital photo frame by Wyatt Cutter. Listen, I don't know these people are, but oral frames are incredible. They're easy to use to let you upload an unlimited number of photos and videos from your phone, right to your frame, you, the dog, everybody. That means if the kid did something funny at lunchtime, you could send the moments right to your grandma's aura frame before the meal is even cleaned up.

Who's better than you? Nobody. My wife loves the Aura Frames. When they came in the mail, I'm like, who sent these things? But we put a couple pictures in there, and now we got the party started. You understand me? We got memories, Jack.

So Aura Frames are the best way to share your memories, whether it's an embarrassing photo from high school or a nice family portrait. Listen, give the gift of memories and laughter with your family. Save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFraimbs.com to get $35 off AuraZermly. best-selling carbon mat frames by using promo code Joey at checkout.

That's A-R-A-U-R-A-U-A-A-Fraims.com promo code Joey. This deal is exclusive to the families right here, to the New Testament. So get yours in time for the holidays. Terms and conditions apply. We're back. Anyway, I want to talk to you guys real quick. I left here in 1985.

and when I left I was staying with a buddy of mine but at the time I had a lot of buddies when I left in 85 and over the years I was like you know what I'm really lucky I have all these fucking little buddies from different parts well I was gone for 23 fucking years and when I came back to Jersey a couple of years ago it was fucking weird like the people I had grown up with like 45 fucking years

we knew off. They just wouldn't respond to me. When I'd speak to them, they'd giggle at me. Like, I didn't know what I was talking about. And then it took like a year and a half, and finally I unloaded on one of them, which I love them to death. And I still love them to death, you know?

And then another buddy of mine stopped talking to me, and that was the whole fucking thing. But through and through, my brother over here, George Kaladensky, has never fucking thrown me through the wool. It's just really weird. We met in 79 the summer before my mother died. And we kept in touch, whatever, and then my mother died.

He kept in touch with a friend of ours, a mutual friend of ours. Denise, Mick. Mick, right. And she used to fill me in. Then I lost contact with George, and I met him again. I was casing out places up in Bergen County one day. And the fucking dead of the winter, I see George fucking chopping grass. stuff in somebody's law and he gives me his number and I think that's the

not I got arrested after I left you I got arrested and I had nobody else to call I called you and you like come on back to my house and and I stayed with you for six months and I left to Colorado you came out there and you were there when I kidnapped the dude and the whole fucking deal you know that left you always keeping me out of that I'm never in those stories that left you're fucking traumatized I can see in your face yeah you were there You were there when I got sentenced, and I know that broke your heart. And this is really weird.

Like, you know, I put out a book a couple years ago, and people reached out to me like, ah, yeah, it's such a rough life, and your mom. And I got to be honest with you, man. I learned something like I was really fucking angry at God. Like, when my mother died, I was pissed. I was like, how, what kind of a God takes a mother from a kid that's 16 years old? So I lost faith, you know, I just lost faith. And it was, it was George.

Like George, little by little, you know, and then I kidnapped the dude, and I went to fucking prison and all that bullshit. And then I think we lost contact. No, I came back for the wedding. You came back for the wedding. Roney was late, so I had to be your best man. Ronnie was too fucked up.

He wasn't even in town. I think it was like a half hour before to think. No, he was there. Oh, he was there somewhere else. He was fucked up. And the priest pulled me. side he goes he can't do this he's got rings around his nose I don't know where you met these people you know oh so you got the call 30 minutes before George whatever I think I was in the

wedding no I know I know I know you're gonna invite it but yeah but I mean I'm gonna halfway I just got a halfway house to get married the fucking counselor is that not the counselor the guy that would follow me around of you know and I had a snort coke like and different then I broke down The one dude that you met after I left, the tall, he might have been Cuban. Yes, Julio. Had all the blow, right? Didn't he have all the blow? He had a lot of shit.

That guy became professional gambler. He ended up winning like $10 million fucking dollars. And now you're going to return my call. You know what I'm saying? I'm not a bitch. But it's just so weird how I was down on religion and I think about it until now how God had a different view. And you're never going to hear me say these words. But God had a different thing to teach me.

He took my mother, but he showed me like the beauty and other people. Like, I don't know what it was. I have brothers. Your uncle, him, Jimmy Loebbs. I got brothers. Like, when I was down, they were there for me all those fucking years. And it showed me that. Like that, I have fucking brothers.

Mike Ronnie is my fucking brother. We breathe. You know, me and George bleed for each other. I don't even want to be, if something happens to him, I can't live without him. I call them three times a fucking day. You know, it's always a fucking different situation. I smoke dope before I call him at night because...

I just know. But we've been doing this since 1985. He would do whatever he was doing, I'd do whatever I was doing. we meet, we lived with his grandma, and then we disappear in a smoke pot, and we come back, and the grandma would say, you do eke-eke. She called Reefer, Eek-Eek.

And then I went down to the basement one day. I remember I was smoking the morning, and the fire alarm. The things we did to that poor woman, and we laughed, and she loved us. She loved George. Oh, my God, George. She loved you.

Probably, I thought, more. more than me at times. Oh my God. That's the only time I didn't really like you. I robbed the fucking leader of champagne, the Don Perriyan, then we took the fucking Piccolissimo. Oh my God.

Oh, my God. We used to stay up until two, three, with grandma. And my grandmother loved him. And we were bringing a food. And they spoke Spanish. He broke a chops. She's just... You have no fucking idea.

But he could still do. Do no wrong. You could do no wrong. Oh, my God, but what am I robbed the lady? Hey. Oh, my God. I go back in 93. And, you know, me and George is still at it.

And George is sleeping. And I see a lady in the back yard. Barbecuing. And I go, you know what? This is a good time to rob that. And I put my sneakers on. run upstairs I open the door and right there's her purse with a deposit like in the old days they gave you a check though I gave you money back in the envelope sticking out of the purse I just took

the whole fucking thing I hit it in the basement because I knew fireworks are coming Jesus he's sleeping I'm laying on the couch you nod it out with a cigarette with an ash like that long My mother and my grandmother were home. Oh. They were like, they let the cops in. They're like, look at him. I go, I don't even think he has a pulse. You think that he went upstairs, grabbed something and came.

He hasn't moved in like 12 hours. So they left. But she freaked out. That lady, oh, she knows you. I'm going, what the fuck? I've been. I haven't moved to hours. I go, look at my ass.

How long does it take for an ash? Like they didn't even fall. I would light the cigarette and not even puff it. And the fucking ass was like four inches. So even if you were flicked the ashes behind the couch. Oh my God.

It was like a freaking mountain. I think that's how they built the pyramids. Oh my God. We would rock at night. Grandma would go to bed. She liked David Letterman. So she would leave the door halfway crack.

At that time, She had like four or five cats. And they would jump on and she'd be saying her fucking hell, in her fucking heaven. She had a cat stare and the whole thing. I would take a big pen, one of those cocaine pens, take the inside out and cut out a bunch of fucking papers. I'm a professional spitball guy.

And I would kick it behind the fucking door now. Like right over there, like you just saw a little pen come through. And she'd be slated there, happy as a pig and shit. And all of a sudden I started shooting the cats one by one. And after like the third one, the cats would start leaving. And also, like the third cat would leave. And grandma would go, what the fuck happened? And the cats will leave, me, me, me, me, whatever.

And then she looked at the blanket and the white thing. And then she looked at the ceiling. She looked at the ceiling right there. I fucking lose it, right? And then she could see him throw the fucking blanket. Georgie, Coco, what happened here? Oh my God. We had like this really big, like gong.

Those things that you gong, and it was like hanging on the wall. My mother was an artist. You know, it was cool. Put a fucking gong on the wall. No one ever touched the gong. It was there for 10 years. He's living with me. My grandma would just fall asleep.

And he'd walk out. No. Let's do the story right. It was early. You were going to be. bedroom first you're going who I'm tired grand okay he's laid out but he'd be in there sweating he'd be waiting for grandma to go right to bed that's all he was waiting on and grandma had a process the tea the whole fucking thing and I could feel him in there sweating because I was next to him sweating too I had like a half an eight ball I'm waiting for grandma to go to fucking bed so

we could start doing a little fucking thing but at that time grandma would go in she knew that we were fucking out of our minds. And she knew George was out of our minds. Dog. That door wouldn't go, eat. And George's blanket would fucking fly open, and he'd run to that bathroom, getting ready to do his thing.

I'd wait for him to lock the door. And then I'd tip to him. I'd take the gong. And I'd just go, boom! And I would go, boom. And I was creeping bed. Dario. Three, two, one.

And she would run out. Coco. What the fuck? This is 1140. Coco, what the fuck is that? And then she looked, and then she looked at me. Where's Georgie? I don't know.

He's in the bathroom when she died. Georgie, open the fucking door. Oh, my God. Why would you let him stay with you? You know what? He was my big brother. He was with. 11 months older, but I don't know.

I was going to say earlier, like, you guys, like, you guys, like, act, like, summer school. We hang out a lot. You guys are, he's always at his house. You guys are, like, big brother, little brother. You guys, like, fight about the stupidest. Raygo's father used to drive a bus, and he would give, let me go on a bus for free.

I'd have $8 on my pocket. I was a fucking co-fine. And I had to get to the city to sell cars. So I'd get up like a 6thirty. I'd put the shirt on, the whole fucking thing, and I'd run up to the corner and wait for Mr. Rago, but there was a pay phone. And I would get on the phone, 201, 943, 3639, and grandma will pick it up. Hello?

And I go, wow. And I'd hang up on it. This hat, I let this go for a year. Like, I'll call it. I could be on the street. and I would go, hold on, I got to call Greg. Wow. And then I sit there with her at night, and she told George about it.

George, some fucking guy called me. I'm fucking dying. So this goes, it's getting close to Thanksgiving. And she's like, you know, George, I got to George City tried to call her. And she goes, I take the phone off. So that fucking guy, he called. He called him. And I go, Grandma, what's he saying to you?

She's like, I don't know, fuck. She goes, I don't know, Coco. I don't know. I go, Grandma, it's like this. Wow. And I did the voice. Did she freak out? She fucking lost it.

She fucking lost it. Oh, I go down to fucking. I go down to fucking. full of fish market with fishy Chris Fish Fish Chris Fish And when I'm there

I see a fucking Box of fucking Clams, right? Yeah I don't say nothing to Chris I pick it up and put it in Chris's truck I stole the whole fucking box or whatever And the whole way there

I'm like George's mom Make some mean Spaghetti and fucking clams salt This is my gift. I'll bring fucking clams home. I'll stop and get bread. I bring it in. It's too late at night.

She goes, don't worry about it. I'm going to make you the best fucking spaghetti and clam sauce. I'm broke. I'm walking in the city all day. And all I'm thinking of mine is that's fucking spaghetti and clam sauce. Now, George's mom was an artist.

Like, nothing was fucking just straight. Like she knew about raggy music before anybody She would fucking smoke hoopas Whatever those fucking things was she would tell me stories And I go what the fuck is she talking about We used to find the special oregano We were like three four years old ones in this container

She was fuck out I saw I fucking go home All jazzed up ready spaghetti and clams sauce His mother put fucking curry in it Oh no Dogg I thought I was A killer. How long did I talk to her for? I didn't talk to her for. Oh, forever.

You put Curry. She hears you now. She's dead almost 10 years. She still hears you. No, we, we, you know, that was fucking killer because she She wrecked it. I thought you loved Kerry.

What the fuck? When did I come here with a fucking Turkish hat on or something like that dude? Fucking Curry. Oh. Oh, my God, we used to fucking laugh. a lot at night, man. His mom saved my comedy career

in 1993. Does you stay with us a little while? I wasn't around, but you were Yes. When the Trade Center got bombed. Yes, we were watching Bill Hicks. There was a special Bill Hicks Live or something like that. And I told

let's watch this. And, you know, like when you watch something and you want it to be good and you're laughing waiting for the other person to laugh you know and after that she goes listen i got to talk to you about something for you to be a good comedian you can't have that insecure little faggy fucking laugh i i dog she spelled it out for me and i was like all right done i won't do that no more and that was it well you had a different laugh yeah at the time i got to divorce i was a fucking felon i didn't know what was going on in the world you know

I was fucking confused. You know, I went and got my confirmation. I was 28 because I thought the Holy Ghost would fucking calm me down. That motherfucker made me snort with three hands. After that, that fucking holy ghost got fired. What was your laugh like? Just insecure. You know, it was like, even now, if you put on a Bill Hicks live album,

he's got one in particular. And you could hear the people that brought people to see him. Do you know what I'm saying? so everything he would say, I go, and I hit you fucking three idiots. You're like, what the fuck is he laughing about? But, you know, it's his birthday, and I want to put him on, but I just want to say,

you have no idea how lucky I am that my mother died because I got to see he's my brother. I mean, dog, the DNA. You can look at it somewhere. They're going to go, yeah, you guys are brus. And I have like eight guys like that, but this guy's my fucking brother. It's there's no getting away from it.

It's unbelievable how the fucking Lord works. So I love you. Thank you. I love you, thank you. Oh my God. We used to, he, I told this motherfucker to pick me up when I was robbing a gas station. He had no idea. He had no fucking idea.

Most people would say, don't ever talk to me again. You put me in a bad bind. He fucking giggled. I gave him a couple hundred. you went into the city with your uncle we went to the pink the red parrot the red parrot and who was there was madonna there who was there oh fuck out the singer from the erythmix with her boyfriend the guitar player oh Dave Dave whatever and uh yeah he thought he was fucking you know like he was eating sushi nobody even knew what sushi was and that motherfucker is eating sushi like yeah that was my motherfugger's

eating sushi like yeah that was my mother's my mother's friend she had the fucking she had the parrot on her shoulder oh my god dude and and i know you introduced george to ralphi like yeah ral and ralphi listen the first time i met ralphi oh my god i was down the shore and cocoa call me he's like uh you got to go up to niac you got to meet my friend ralphi's there he's got something for you so i don't i drive back from the shore i get there the show's over I walk in and Ralphie's signing for everybody he looks up he's like george I'm like how the fuck is he even know my name he knew me as soon as I walked in there he's like come here he goes Coco told me to give you this so it was a sugar cookie I'm like

thanks Ralph you know nice to meet you now what I forgot was that he used to pick you up at at our house all the time to take it to the airport it was just some you know no he fucking twice I think his wife had family right and this is 1998 this is like we met in LA yeah we hung out he made tacos

and one day he I had a pager and I you know and he's like Coco I'm up here and knowing New Jersey I don't know I'm headed to North Perk and whatever the fuck shit ho where you're from he goes where you at

and I had to call him back I told him George's address George is at work and he picked me up and I took him to Ashways and he said I want to go to Ashways you know he'd been hearing all these stories Yeah right so he's like I need to go to Ashway That motherfucker tasted that rice pudding

He went off and after that They would bring him like 10 pounds of rice pudding Gary Gary would give me like five or six trees of rice pudding to bring a Ralph Holy shit But at third one I would load a Ralphie Hey, hey, hey, hey. I mean, even Ralphie couldn't eat, you know,

that much rice pudding. That motherfucker knew the history of North Bergen. You know, like when you tell people's story, he listened. So he came here, he was playing bananas. Yeah. And it was the same night that the fucking plane went down, the Hudson River. And he took the stage of bananas,

and the first words out of his mouth was, I hope Vanier was down there giving out cards. Yeah. Like, this is a guy that's from fucking Alabama, what the fuck he was from. But he listened to all those nights. That's how he opened the fucking show. He went up there and he goes,

I hope Anthony Vaniery down there, giving out cars. A lot of dead people down there tonight. He always would shoutouts to, Oh, my fucking God. But the sweetest, the sweet, Ralphie was the sweetest man. I mean, even my mom.

My mother walked up to him and just grabbed his face and said, You're just so handsome, Ralphie. She's like, please lose weight. You're such a handsome. And we became great friend. I mean, every time he came to New York, we went to games, to movies. I went on little trips with him and helped him with the merch,

which is a lot easier, like just getting high with him. Really? One time, he wanted me to sell merch. I think it was the Gotham or something. and we parked the car and this is like when he started headlining there like in the beginning he used to do the midnight show at Gotham because he was too dirty

and like all of a sudden it's like year after year I don't use the comedian's name Godfrey but like he was headlining both times as he's coming out you're walking in very friendly but you would draw more than him at those midnight show

finally they and but that that one time you're like, hey, yeah, I got this merch. All right, I'll sell for you. Fucking edible. He gives me so, like, I was Lee before Lee. All right? Does that make sense?

Like, he would fucking lie to me every time. It's 10 million. Oh, he's 10 milligram. So we walk in, and I'm fine. I drink two beers. I'm sitting there watching the show. All of a sudden, I'm like, I'm dribbling on myself. I'm like, fucking retarded.

He laughs, you know. I've been there. And I had that girl, wasn't it, that past? I remember I was asking about her, Marjorie. Marjorie, Givale. She came up, gave me a hug. She's like, are you okay? And I'm like, and she started selling your shit

because I was fucking used. The best was John Joan was fighting for the championship. And he's fighting right here in fucking Newark. First fight. It was fucking beautiful. I'd never even seen Newark. So I go to his house. I eat dinner with him and his wife and the girls

and George is going to be. gonna drive me I got tickets for him we're gonna go in he's lying already I think what we have banana bread no this is what happened I put you up from the fucking airport you showed me this auntie Dori Indy Dolores game of a hunk of fucking banana bread as big as his suitcase wrapped in tin foil right we pull up that you go we're going to chance we go to chans loops pulls up you go like fucking crack this fucking banana of bread. You gave me like an

L, like a fucking piece of wonder bread. Like the crust. It was an L. I ate it. We don't chans. Luz gets the same. We eat. He goes to my grandmothers to shower and get ready. Right. I went home. My wife

there was a party. And fucking somewhere. Verona. Right? Family party. I'm like, I can't go to the family party. I'm going to the fight. She's like, all right, well, you got to pick us up. after the fight. It's only two towns over. I'm like

sure, whatever. I take a shower, we're getting ready to go to a fight. As I'm driving to pick him up, I'm fucking fading. So we get on the fucking turnpike. He won't shut the fuck up on the turnpike now. Yeah, I think I was talking about. I'll pick it up.

Right? I'll pick it up after this. I'm already to know fucking that. This cock sucker won't shut the fuck up. And now he's in, I'm like, George, getting the fucking left lane. George, cut that dude off, getting all that playing. And at first he's okay. He's doing 65.

And then it was like a fucking, every six minutes, he would go down. Now he's doing 55. Now I go, George, just getting the right-hand lane. He got all the way in the right-hand lane. He was doing like eight. So he drops me off. I don't know what happened.

George, go get parking. There was no parking. And as I drove, I told the story. I was like the steering wheel was a dragon, and I was holding off with dear life. Oh, yeah. And every parking lot was taken. Now I'm in Newark, and I'm on Martin Luther King Boulevard.

All right. Stone to the gill. I'm like, I'm not pulling over here. I keep going. All of a sudden, I'm in East Orange. Now I'm fucking really freaking out. And I'm on the other side of 280, decide to go home. So I drive a little bit

And I see the arena and the lights But it's across the highway And I'm like, fuck it, I'm going home So I drove eight miles an hour In the fucking slow lane I get there Also his phone had no power He had like one bar or something

He didn't bring his charger I'd call my wife in California Ari called me To go home and get the fuck out It was a nightmare RRI calls me from the fight And he said where the fuck are you And I'm like

I just tell him I'm really fucked up I'm on my couch I took two showers now my wife is calling me you gotta come you gotta come pick her up in Verona I took two showers to fucking get I didn't ever ate that much fucking banana bread or anything I'm always fucked up

I drove again now the same exact direction 15 miles an hour I get there I'm like Jesse I'm really high, tell your family I'm sick. They all come out to meet me. Where's Coco? I'm like, stay away, I'm sick.

They're like, well, the party's over there. There's cake in there. And I'm like, oh, really? I go, just stay away from me. I'm going to grab some cake. We're getting out of you. I didn't hear from until the next day. No, two in the morning he came with lube.

Because you didn't have the key to get to my grave. grandmother's you were pissed oh were you I was like he'll never talk to me again and then he did you know he always does he gets mad at me and oh my god I'm like Charlie Brown what the fuck

I started comedy in 91 so in 93 I had like my whatever and I came back here I was heartbroken I was getting divorced I was losing my child but I fucking love comic I don't know what happens I'm living with George and

clips I was grandma mother. And those days George is in a different planet and we would come home at night and we write jokes together. And I still remember our first fucking joke that we wrote. It's the dumbest fucking thing

in the world. What was those dudes that walked around New York City with the idiot that Goddy shot him? Those idiots that walked around New York like the side of the Guardian Angels. Guardian Angels. They used to write jokes at night.

and he said the guardian angels are back time to put your bow speakers back in the window it was the dumbest fucking joke and then we wrote a joke about the Puerto Rican Day parade with the Navy

something with the Puerto Rican Navy the Navy crashed into the dock at Hudson River 400 Puerto Rican's in the ocean that ain't nothing new we're fucking dying I remember tried the joke on Stade

not a laugh I'm like what the fuck are we doing together he's fired but I still remember this motherfucker coming home one night and again he has the quality of my mother that's why I love me always this motherfucker don't come home empty hand at two in the morning if he wakes you up he's got a daily news all right he's got something a sandwich something a joint he always woke you up with something so there's one night he comes in he's like man It's fucking hot in here.

Now I'm fucking coked up to the gills. I'm just hiding under the blanket. I'm all jerked off out. It's like four in the morning. I've jerked off 80 times. I'm out of juice. I'm just waiting for fucking something to happen. And this idiot comes home, I brought your salami sandwich, whatever.

And I'll never forget. He goes, man, it's hot in here. And he goes, where's that fan? There was a fan there. And he picked it up. The big box fans. Oh, my God. And he goes, I'll hook you up.

And he puts it in the window. fucking three in the morning. He puts the fan on, the fan flies up. Sure enough. What the fuck up, George? And grandma comes out. Caught us on. Oh, my God.

This was a, you know, you can't write this shit. Like I always said, if I get a show, I got to add all those nights of how much we fucking used to laugh late night. And we were, The whole thing was for grandma to come on, go. What the fuck happened? Every night.

That's when we'd stop. And we love grand... Oh, my God, George. What a fucking time. Yeah, I had two good women there. This motherfucker. All right, so he's my writing partner. He's my ace.

He knows what's coming next. I'm gonna fucking kill you. I said, listen, we're partners. Come to the city with me and fucking watch my set, give me notes. And you used to have to bring you. someone's a lot of those uh yeah but i bought you dinner tell the story and i also got like a bag of coke and you gave you money and then i gave you money i go on stage i come back he's gone i'm like

fucking what i think i wait that's when we did that was a fucking show you did on broadway and hall yeah it was a hundred and a street right there i'll never forget that and and the dull spot was like eight blocks from there so this one my god He goes, yeah, I'll wait for you. I got, he had like a little pen. He was like, my manager. So then I fired him, and I had a whole new manager.

His name was Darren Reagan. And that's the part he fucking started. And I still remember me and him going to get Coke. Coming back and we're like, who's walking on the bridge? And it's George. Like, Lipby. Dude, I didn't remember that.

You cannot write this shit. You cannot write this shit. Did he get hit by a car? No. He would fake so the cops wouldn't stop him. Oh, okay. Got to look retard. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I get it, though. Sometimes you got a limp to get ahead. So I take Raygo to Carolines. This is the bad motherfuckers that we are. I take Raygo to Carolines. We would always stop in the Harlem and get a bag of Coke. and then go do comedy.

I wouldn't do the coke. He would sit there and fucking coach me and tell people to shut the fuck up. It was hilarious. I do my set I bomb in Carolines. I get off and he's like, I'm gonna wait till midnight.

I'm gonna enter the contest. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? This is the world I lived in back there. He's like, yeah, it's gonna be all right. I'll buy your drink. You come to the show. I want to fucking kill him. This motherfucker won in the first place.

They're like 10 people there. This Raygo went up there and lit that fucking room on fire. He won like a porno? Yeah. You can't write this shit, guys. What a fucking hell fucking ride that was. Something else happened in night. I took you to do that.

I had to beg him to take him to see Rambo. He fucking hated Rambo. He fucking hated Rambo. So I took him to the black movie team on 125th Street. No, we go on 181st. Yeah, 1801st. I'm sorry. Yeah.

And we had the Chinese, that's the Cuban Chinese place on, like 178? There's 179. Yes, yes. And a Carvel around the corner and the Coke, not the cocaine, well, the Coke place was close, but the weed spot was around the corner.

And they used to have a double, They had everything. They had gambling. They had everything on that street. They had everything in the heights. Dog, you used to pull your car into the parking, and they'd take it to the 12th floor. The door opened up.

Wow! It was fucking Chinese people, chicks. They had prostitutes, fucking drugs. I went there with Christy Lorenzo one night. We left there like 8 in the morning, and they gave you sunglasses. What was the place? It was 170-something.

She was at the garage? No, right there. Right to the garage. The garage. Yeah. You just pulled your fucking car, they took you upstairs, you got out of the car. Cocaine, heroin.

An indictment. The Irish joints, indictment. Chicks ready for you, dice. Fucking amazing. Eight in the morning. Holy shit. And if you won, they'd let you out. You know, they weren't.

But if you robbed the store, you weren't getting out of there. But if you won... If you won, they made sure you got to your car and got the hell out of there. You forgot about walking across the fucking Jesus, everybody in Cliffside was robbing their mother's jewelry and going there. They were robbing, because gold in the 70s, gold was.

You were getting big money. Trust me, I was part of that Cuban crime wave myself. They were taking that gold. They were taking, I was robbing gold, telling people I found this. They were melting it down in three minutes. No evidence. I'm buying coke with it. Unbelievable, man.

That shit. There was a place in Cliffside. It was silver or something. They had right in the back. It's right behind a counter. the melting thing. I'm from fucking North Bergen. I had a guy at the place was right across from Hashways.

They used to be a strip club. Oh, Park Lane Theater, right? The Park Lane Theater. They used to be a nasty host. Nah, I mean, just, just not. I don't even know when they picked them up. They picked them up like a sea caucus and brought them there, like fresh from the fucking. Oh, and they got kicked out of the AJs or whatever.

Oh, my God. And next to it was the point. You just, it was a chick. Chick who told me that the guy that owned the pharmacy, his son just got arrested for whatever you touch a six-year-old or whatever the fuck of it is. Pedophilia? Holy shit. He met him down in like 53rd Street.

Yeah, that his father owned that stuff there. There was a trophy shop there. But there was a dude there who sold like little things, trinkets. Everybody knew he was no good. Like Guy McCann had a score over there. And I remember he's like, dog, this shit's so big, I'm out of cash. He goes, you killed me on a Friday. Like, he was closing to six.

We walked in like five, this thing, listen, lock the door. Oh, my God. That dude, there was a place next to the donut shop. Dunkin' Donuts, across from Hudson County Park. That dude was kinky, too. I brought him a couple fucking. Pieces and shit. He even knew the people.

He's like, man, I was thinking of robbing them myself. Oh, my God, George. Good times. Good times. Good fucking times. Listen, we're done here. All right? It was a great fucking Tuesday morning.

Sorry, we went over the time limit. We love you. You got what? Seven more shoplifting days left to get out there. Oh, yeah, fuck it. Go out there, shoplift. Everybody else is. I would go to that fucking CVS

with roller skates on you know what I'm saying I'm coming out of there with a basket full of yumb yums five days in a row what is the limit in Jersey ask Lee huh ask Lee I don't know but we're not telling people a job lift not the age limit for midgets what's the fucking what's the fucking

a thousand bucks a thousand bucks that's four days but we don't want people to do that four days everybody gets something the school teacher everybody that's when you get everybody at the yum yums people We're like, man, you're so generous. No, I'm a good shoplifting. Fuck you.

Anyway, we'll be back for one more before Christmas, right? Yes. So we'll be here to feel sorry about tonight. We got a little crazier. I love my man, George Kaladinsky. Follow him on Instagram, All-Star Framing, the best. He's got a tremendous picture. George DeFramer.

George's a whatever the fuck. Listen. Just look him up, call me, yell for him like, Rocky. You need me? Yo, rock. I'll be... I love you, motherfucker. See you next week. Stay black.

The Church New Testament is brought to you by Liquid IV. Listen, the holidays are always a marathon, right? It's easy to forget the basics like staying hydrated. I don't know who does, but keep liquid IV on hand to get you through the holiday parties. You know what I'm saying? Liquid IV has three times, not two, three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink plus eight vitamins and nutrients to keep you going. Banging.

Listen, it replaces nutrients loss by dehydration and has 100% of your daily value of vitamin B, B3, B5, listen, all the Bs, B12. They got enough B in there to forget about it. It's available and a ton of delicious flavors. And now sugar-free. Let me explain some to you. that peach sugar-free has always been one of my favorites, okay?

If you like Liquid Ivy, the flavor, now they got a raspberry something, oh my God, stop the presses, and it's easy to use. Just mix one stick of Liquid Ivy with 16 ounces of nice cold water. Shake that thing up, or be that there. Stay hydrated through the holidays with Liquid Ivy. Get 20% off your first order of Liquid Ivy when you go to Liquid Ivy. Again, liquid ivy.com. Use code Joey at checkout. J-O-E-Y. A lot of people, you know, that's 20% off your first order when you shop better hydration today with code Joey.

J-O-E-Y at liquid ivy.com. Please support the show and get 20% off your next order.