The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Joey Diaz takes himself on a psychological journey

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

Joey Diaz talks his recent car accident, his psychological journey, he tells Lee about some of his favorite NYC food spots, and tells Lee something he sees in young comics that worries him. Support the show and get 20% off with code JOEY at https://www.dietsmoke.com/ The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

What's up, buddy? Johnny Boom, Boom. What's the story? I was fucked up last week, huh? Who? Who? Who would I mean, who? Me?

We're not fucked up. There were times. You didn't even take enough edibles. It's not, yeah. No, it's the same all song and dance. And he makes believe he's Doug Benson like he's high. No, who makes believe he's Doug Benson? What are you talking about?

I don't do shit. I don't, I'm not sitting there and taking it. I do, I smoke a little bit, but I'm not like, I'm like a half in edible is a perfect. Like that's a great amount to you need to we're in training you're coming to New York. We got everything fun-knale dust dog listen you went deep last week how much do you think of an wow go ahead I'm sorry you froze a little bit but go ahead I got into a car accident Wednesday and I was pretty depressed 30s I woke up I was like god damn it at Thursday night I took a handful of

edible of mushrooms. Oh, factory farms, the best mushroom company, the world sent me

a buoy, batons, right? And motherfucking, these other ones that are the deck, ghost. They're little nuggets.

They're fucking beautiful. So the first night, I like a handful of ghosts. Just in, interrupt for one second. Is a handful of the, like, the measurement you took?

Like, do you know it was a gram, two-gram? And just started eating it with a fucking Coca-Cola, one of those Coke zeros, right? Because I don't like to taste the mushrooms either. No, but a handful. And then Friday ate a handful, and I was off the chain at a fucking softball party with my, the kids and the girls. I was fucking giggling at Marlon Brando. You know, I was talking to some guy. He was acting me about acting.

Really nice guy. Got great two girls. And he was talking to me about Marlon Brando. I go, you know, you're barking up the wrong tree. Because I was... Bramondon dude till the end, you know? And I was explained... I showed him the Superman of Cuba.

When it said Brando sucked the guy's dick. I showed him fucking the... The interview... I showed him when he received the Oscar and he sent the Indian woman up. And dog lost it. Like her name was lead feather or something like that. Something that. I fucking died a lack of.

the people looking at me. They knew something up. I didn't give a Frenchman's fuck. What about, did you know the guy sitting like you were talking to? Because, like, most parents don't. He's one of the dads. I was just mad because I've been around people like that at those games.

Showing this guy was like the huge dick to like another parent of the softball game. It was like a bowl. I didn't show him the picture of the guy's dick. I sent him the audience. Yeah, but even that's like an article. Like I would never send to like another parent at a softball. I want them to know what time it is. I don't want them to have no surprises.

You know what I'm saying? I would love to see you at that game on a handful of mushrooms. Friday night, I'm at the barbecue and I ate the mushrooms. And then Saturday had to go up north to meet my buddies, and I ate a tremendous handful of them, right? Fucking spitting the whole way up there. I'm drinking sodas. I'm fucking eating these shrooms, right?

I get to Segovia, the best thing in Munaki. And after about a half hours, when I started going off. But the star of the night was my brother White. He was Whitey, Louis, Dave, Ralph Fuso, his son, and Chuck McBreen, the coach of Ramapo. I'll tell you, like an hour in when the food came, I was on fire on those mushrooms. And I'm eating and I'm giggling and they're telling stories. I told them I don't like magicians or midgets. They fucking, you know.

Have you ever seen it like a... A little person, magician? Would that fuck you up? No, I don't like midgets and magicians. I know what I'm saying. What if you saw one combined? I'm done. I jump out of Wednesday.

It's a debt. You got to stab him in the fucking heart like Blade or Spade. Whatever's fucking named. What is the blade? I don't think I don't think of a superhero called Spade. Can you imagine that now? If Marvel came out at Comic Con and said, this is the new superhero, the spade, but they didn't have. I don't know, Blade, Spade.

What did the Rock? play this year. He played like something like a very racist name. I didn't even see it. Black Adams. Mm-hmm. Please. People were booing him outside in the movie theater. It's fucking God awful. I heard. Oh my God. But just the name is like, what the

fuck is this? I've had it with Black Adam. I've had him. I've had him. Don't know with Brock, whatever his fucking name is. Well, hold on. The last night, I got to go up north to a birthday party about, I don't got to leave here two. I went to the gym, I sweat out to Malukia,

I rode the bike, I fucking swung cattle bells, I made a protein shake, and I said, bombs away. So I put out the Louis Vuittons, and Louis Vuittons, these things are like stalks. Oh, Jesus. I've already eaten all the fucking tops, but this thing was like a stalk. I took it out. It looked like a piece of celery.

I was just eating it. Anyway, I get up there. About 5 o'clock, I'm off the fucking rails. and somebody starts talking about politics and I just went to fuck off. Like I just went off for 20 minutes. Like what the fuck is wrong with you people? You know, Trump.

Who gives the fuck? We're having a barbecue. People are high. And right away, they want to bring up in politics in on the Lord's Day. Was anyone else high? Oh, yeah. I gave a couple of gummies away. Oh, okay.

Allegedly. A lot of young people that. Okay. Has a big family, my friend Lisa. So on the way home, I was okay But then when I got home, about seven, Ooh, Lord. And for some reason, it took me over the top.

Like, this thing was like the gift that wouldn't stop giving. I was seeing things at 11 o'clock. I tried to lay down around one. I was like, fuck this. I went downstairs and I watched something for a little while. It was God awful. It was God fucking awful. I started buffing out my toenails.

and I went to bed around three. I'm just saving all this toenail dust to mix it with the mushroom dust. I'm going to make a tea. Oh, fuck, dude. No, you're not. I'm not drinking any tea at your house. What are you talking about?

Oh, I'm going to sell. Snap will sell it to you. You know, I got a plan. Oh, what? What does the toenail dust look like when you're doing on mushrooms? Does it, like, sparkle in the air? Like, what is?

I'll give you some mushrooms. I'll grind my toenails. I don't want to see the, I don't want take the toenail. I'm asking you about your toenail. Do a little line of the powder. That's it. I don't want you. I'm not doing a line of your toenail powder. I'm telling you. You'll take it to a different dimension. You'll think of...

You'll think of jokes that Richard Pryant, George Carlin, and fucking Lenny Bruce couldn't think of. That's what the problem is. I'm looking for the fucking heroin Joe Perry had from 1973. I keep getting those cards to Whitey Chin. Everybody. Nobody knows what heroin he did. That's the shit I want. Then I'll make a comedy come back.

I'll write an album that'll fucking, Jesus will come down to watch it. Right, but that's... Would you sniff your toenail? I snip the fungi, and then the fungi that's growing out of the nail, I buff it out, all right? Is that one gives you your powers? Like, what are you talking about?

You're saying if I sniff your toenail dust, I'm going to be the best comic ever? It's like a line academy. You know what I'm saying? Just do a little bump on the right side. Do one on the left side because you don't want to just hallucine on the right side of your head, you know what I'm saying?

wanted to bounce. Can you imagine if that's how it works? That'd be amazing. No, every fucking night I go in the back room to brush my teeth and I look at my right eye how it drags now. That's from the 30 years of Coke. I kept doing, I must have done more bumps in the right than the left one and the fucking bluey eye socket out.

What do you mean it drags? Huh? Like it drags. I got a slow eye. Do you really? I never noticed that. Oh, yeah. It's like not as bad as Paul is,

but it's there, you know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ. We're going to write that time down. What happened? Oh, my God. So yeah, that's... Okay. Hey, that's a real fucked up thing.

What? To think about what I snare, if you were like an actual wizard and you... No, but I have to know. I have to know if I'm going to snort something that at first, sure it's going to make me the number one comment listen you tested positive for heroin no i didn't test what are you talking about don't say that on the internet we don't need that being on the no one tested positive for heroin oh and you look till this day you're like i don't know how i got heroin in me i don't know i had it in the air like the greeks i kept throwing up like my lacquer pother and you

were sitting there you're thinking that it's fucking you know i knew that wasn't normal you told me that was something like to do you told me that was like a good blessing it was like a big thing it was like a Greek orthodox. You know how we do it. You know what's a fucking week, dog. It's going to be a good week. That's it. It's August fucking first on Thursday.

Yeah. I hit my goals for Jitsu. I hit my gold for the gym. I kept my weight down. I think I lost three more fucking pounds. You know, this is what I'm doing this summer. I don't want to hear nothing no more. Like, you know what I am? people have no idea. Like, I'm done.

Like, I don't want to hear nothing. I don't think you wanted to hear nothing before. So, like, this is even a lower amount that you want to hear? This is, like, you want to hear even less? Because I already thought you didn't want to hear much. And now I'm at the point where I just, come on, knock it all. I don't want to hear it no more. I'm too old.

I've heard every story. I got scar tissue on my fucking soul. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to hear no I just want to smoke my pot and I'll sit here in the bunker until they drop the bomb because it's going down this week

that's it. It's going down, Jack. You think so? Oh, they killed 12 kids. That's just the excuse Israel needed. I haven't even watched the news today. I didn't, bro, I was talking to somebody that's like, do you see what's going on? This is going to get good.

Oh, no. They killed 12 kids and now that's it. And no, the whole time, peace treaty. They're fucking yelling at the grand high exalted mystic ruler when he came to yeah they're fucking with the gang gang whatever his name is now whatever you know motherfucker he's gonna about to go crazy like they're sitting there going bro this is this is the pitch we've been waiting for all our lives oh yeah this the pitch this is the pitch this is the one seventh wasn't bad but this

This is the fucking pitch. And it's going to be very interesting. I, my heart and my fucking prayers to everybody. I hope they make it okay. I hope they got anti-missile helmets, Hamas, because all the fucking missiles are going to start coming in over there, and Hamas will build. What the fuck?

We're definitely not on YouTube this week. Two weeks. Football season is like two, three weeks away. I'm excited about that. You know, I took my daughter to that Chinese Cuban joint last week, and that was an adventure. That was a hell of a day because I got pulled over for a red light, but the guy was Chinese, so I started talking to him,

and then I gave him my license, and he goes, I got to give you a wall there. I said, that's fine. And he goes, can I ask you a question? You know me. I'm like half racist, but not really. I'm like, can I ask you a question? Where's that Cuban Chinese joint?

My daughter's like, what are you asking? I was, relax. And he goes, can I read on? Because he was like a New York. Chinese guy. He wasn't like bowing nothing. He goes, Ari Dott? And I go, yeah. And he goes, oh, it's on 70 second between

Columbus and Amsterdam, park on the corner. I mean, he was dynamite. Dynamite. But I didn't know it was against fucking wokeism to ask a Chinese guy where a good Chinese restaurant is. You know, I want a fucking pastrami sandwich. I'm not going to ask some fucking

Puerto Rican kid, even though his family probably makes great pastrami. But you know what I'm saying? I'm not going to up the hot house. I'm not going to go to halal and ask him, hey, halal. You got corned beef in here. I've got a sturt. I'm saying? Ari should bring back the amazing racist

and do that. Like, go to the wrong. Can you imagine going into a halal place right now and asking for a cornwall? Let me ask you a question. Who is halal? Because this guy got like 19 restaurants in two years. Everybody? Fucking boots.

This guy got... Huh? I think, and don't quote me, but I'm pretty sure it's like the Muslim version of kosher. That's the way I understand it. All right. You know you won't see me in that ain't no fun.

There's no post as a client as I don't think they have any restaurants called halal. It's just like saying, like just letting people know those kosher and stuff there. I don't know what the fuck halal if they got a bunch of those. So if I didn't think like I died, I was going to hit fucking

Halal. No feast Cuban kitchen. Okay. That's a bad motherfucker, Lee. I'm excited. Oh, dude. That's a cheap lunch, quick. You get three chicken cullets, white rice, red beans,

and with little potatoes, and you get your little fried bananas on the side for like $13. And it's quick. There's no fucking around. There's no fucking around. And some days they got the pork chop with the red beans and rice.

One day they got the chicken with the black beans and rice and the fried bananas. Come on now. You're going to fucking be living like a king in NYC you know what I'm saying like oh my god dude I'm so excited for comedy

like that's the reason I'm moving but yeah but I will say what I was gonna say was number two and it's not it's not like a far number two it's like right there is the food of like being

in New York and the food there are you crazy yeah that's it but you're gonna be walking the bus not the roller skates the oh I'm oh those like healy healy shoes

no no The other ones. I'm still blowing out mushroom burps. This burp smells like fucking cow shit, a fart, and God knows what else. Well, dude, you took like four handfuls in three days. Yeah, but I'm clean this week. That's it.

I'm going sober. That's it. I'm scared straight. So do you feel better now after you take all those mushrooms? You know, man, I got to tell you something interesting. You know, when I was a kid and my mom died, I was doing acid. I was selling mescaline on the side

and I was doing it. And there was a point I was doing more than I was selling. And I was eating like three of them a night. That's fucking up. I'm notherned up. My pain was so bad. I just wanted to forget. Right.

And I meet like two of them. And that's like 12 hours of constant fucking pictures and hearing Chinese people yelling. And people saying, Does? Huh? That's what that does? Yeah, this was 1978. This was before cocaine really

hit. We were all just doing fucking acid, four-way acid, blotter acid, mescalin, fucking, you know, and we used to go to Pennsylvania and get 3,000 hits, and everybody was making money, because you got them for 90 cents, and you sold them for $3.

Wow. And you sold them in three fucking days. Every time a group of kid played hooky, they buy 10 of them. All you have to do is go to, I was going to school to make $100 a day in 19. I was selling those in black beauties. I would buy a thousand black beauties

for $35 and sell them for a dollar a piece. You want to talk about profit margin? McDonald's could suck my dick. You know what I'm saying? Why didn't you just drop out of school and do that full time? I did until I quit. Then fucking, you know, then we got into deeper. in other situations, but I swear to God, a year and a half.

I had a little, I was, you know, working at a hardware store, Rendell Lumber, and at the same time, I was selling masculine, anything fucking hallucinogenic. And I was just selling the black beauties to the wrestlers because they need to lose weight. Okay. What do you think you're dealing with here? I was no econ major.

I just knew that I'm paying 90 cents and I'm going to sell this for $3. That's $2,0.0.10. That's crazy. Five of them. I made the small $10. Who's going to deliver newspapers? Go fuck yourself. You know what I'm saying?

I want to be a Cub Scout. Suck my dick. I don't want to do none. I'm going to sell a messkow place. Now, was there like a reason you just didn't sell it for five? Like $3 for a drug seems cheap. The market was three, you know? Right away you're going to let your Jewism take over.

Yeah, but it's a drug. Are you really going to go to jail for $3? Nobody's it Listen, by the cops Come, you eat that thing It's this small It's a fucking dot That's why they call it micro dot

I can just throw it in your eyes If the cops arrest me You shoot right in your fucking eyeball Okay You know Anyway, let's get this motherfucker started Greetings you savages The check-in is brought to you

And I'd like to welcome Diet Smoke To the show Listen, the world of special Special gummies can be very scary. But maybe you don't need to see the devil immediately. That's why you need diet smoke. Diet smoke is your gummy matchmaker.

That customer service gives you personalized recommendations. No more guessing what works for you. Listen, I know what works for you, right? But maybe you don't want to go that deep. They got the firework gummies, they got shots, and they got mushroom gummies. Diet smoke even has a lifetime happiness guarantee. If you don't love it, they'll replace it or give you your money back. Once you know what you like, you get a subscription.

It's easy to adjust and you'll never run out of gummies. And by the way, my wife is on one of these prescriptions and she digs it. They just send it direct every other month or whatever. So as a special offer today, I'm going to get my family. 20% off your first daughter here. Plus a free gift when you visit Dietsmoke.com and press code Joey, J-O-E-Y at checkout. So did you hear what I just said to you or what? If you like it, you get a subscription and you can adjust it and you'll never run out of gummies.

There'll always be one coming in. It's a tremendous way. And again, as a special offer for my listeners, I'm going to get you 20% off your order. Plus a free gift when you visit Dietsmoke.com and press and code Joey at checkout. Experience better sleep, relaxation, and perfectly balanced product with great customer service at every step. Remember, that's Dietsmoke.com. Promote co. Joey for 20% off your entire order. Plus a free little gift.

They take care of your diet smoke. So again, dietsmoke.com. Promote code, Joey. Your perfect vibe awaits you. Turn up your TVs. Run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up.

If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you got to be thinking. Welcome back to church! What up, Moog? Good to see you, buddy. Fucking Tuesday, the 30th of July. The rent is due on fucking Thursday. So get your shit together.

You can hold on until Monday, though. It's one of those weekends, right? Because Thursday, two, three, four, five. Yeah, so you don't have to have the rent till Monday so you can snort, suck, fuck. Do what you want and just have the rent money. I don't even know if I'm the only one who does this. But like in L.A., my place was like you had to pay it by the fifth.

Like that was the day you got in trouble. I never gave it to them early. I had it, but I just would never give it to them. If you could give it to them at 5.30, like the 530, like the fucking the guy's sitting there sweating the little fucking Indian guy that owns the building. I have to go home. It's Indian holiday. You're just,

you're watching them with the fucking binoculars. And dude, I know I was 300 pounds. Like there was a reason why I had trouble breathing and I was coughing. But also my AC in my last apartment in LA like leaked like every six months. And they had like this one shady electrician that they'd only use him. I'm almost positive. I saw mold in like the.

AC unit. And I'll say, oh, I was in for five years. I've like, I don't cough now. Because you were getting sick. Yeah. Yeah. We thought you were blaming it on the reef. I can't do it no more. I didn't say, I didn't say the reefer got me sick. Yes, you did.

Right away, everybody blames the fucking reef. I blamed the reefer for a lot of things, but I never blamed it for getting sick. Meanwhile, you're in that room fucking inhaling and fesbestos and my toenail dust. They probably got a body in there. He had a fun guy told him. He's hanging upside down. The fans blowing his feet right into your face. Probably.

Oh, you were always like... I got to take a lot. What was it called? Bronchitis. Yeah. I still get bronchitis a little bit, but I know what to do now. That was insane.

I thought I was going to die. You'd make me feel guilty. I can't do it. I can't do it. I mean, well, yeah. No. Dude, that was the truth. that was the true story right there

is where I said, yeah, I have bronchitis. I don't want to smoke right now. I'm not blaming the weed on being sick. But then we fucking tripled up on the edibles and everybody had to step up. You know what I'm saying? Time for everybody to clean their own backyard. Who's everybody?

It's you and me. That's it till the wheels fall off. Cocksuck up. What are you talking about? Everybody's doing it. That's like if that means if you're doing it, everyone else is doing it. Listen, when we were at, everybody was doing it.

No one was doing what we were doing. Well, they were trying, but, and if not, I would make a fucking psychological journey on my own. You know? People crumbled when they came on. They'd be like, that would be a fucked up game show. Could you imagine it's just to eat edibles until someone passes out? Like, we would win. You would win for sure, but I got to come in second place every time.

You know what's crazy that even after I got here, I started dosing some people. One of the best doses of my life was that little kid from the Special Olympics. at the pool when I he kept telling me and I like the kid. He's 34 years old first boy. He's not a kid. He's like 37 now. My daughter sees him. She just got a little mustache like that stupid apple show.

That fucking dude with the fucking mustache. Everybody likes her. So you know, his story was interesting because I had to figure out that he obviously had autism or something. When he used to me laugh but then he just went off.

about getting his dick suck and having drink and snort and coke. And I'm like, whoa, I know people who are the fucking normal. And they don't live like this fucking guy. Meanwhile, this guy's got like 19 special Olympic medals. He's like a big timer in the league. So he just goes on with his medals and they suck his dick. He was having threesomes at the pool, he told me.

So he told him he had edibles with cigars and he smoked dope and he drank cognac. So he said, do you get edibles? Dog. You're talking to the right guy. So one day, went in there, like in July, must have been 80 degrees, pool was freezing. And he's like, didn't you bring me anything? I was bringing him reframed for a while.

Like, every time I'd see him, I'd bring him a little three joints, two joints, you know. I like the guy. And one day, I just hit him with a 200 milligram. And I left, and I forgot all about it. Next decade. And the security and the pool guys came over there. Did you give them something yesterday? I'm like, oh, yeah.

And they're like, thank you. he passed out and they had to carry him for the car dude those 200 ABXs are scary like those like I don't know the fact that you eat multiple of those is wild I'm out I'm out I had to eat those I'm out I'm waiting on the shipment now he told me the mule's showing up

I hope they show up before I got to leave you know he's gonna have to me actually I don't want to I shouldn't even say this I was going to say he should make you a bigger one. Listen, let's just get the 200 for now. You know, it's really, I was going to, I was going to talk to you, but this isn't important to me, but it's really fucking crazy, what people's thought of you are.

Like, you really get surprised when people approach you and you see how people see you. Mm-hmm. You know? And it's just so weird for years. We were eating 2400, a night, you know, 2,000

milligrams a night, and I still get people. Hey, I got this 50 milligram. It's so strong. You know, they come up to me like, this ain't no ABX, but, you know, and I'm like, go away. Go away. Another gummy that tastes like ass. You know, it's another gummy that tastes like ass.

Yeah. I don't want to be gummy. We bit into one that my eye almost flew for fucking so bad. And some of them are so thick. like they're not like it's not like an enjoyable experience to eat most of them it is if you balance it out with the there's some great ones there's some great gummies but I'm just saying we had yeah I'm just saying

I love I prefer gummies listen we go home run we had the stars at death first yeah until we fucking ate 25 but those people still have them in their freezer you were eating them like two years ago you found the bag when I was moving out The bag of them, the purple ones. And then we started with that black and white cookie that you thought was 50 milligrams, but there was always 200 or something like that.

Yeah, it tasted like 200. This cookie's good. And then I never said that. That's false. And you would sit there. That's why when I got that, I would smoke you out first and break out the cookies. Yeah, that was the fucked up part, is there was no break in being high because you, you would do is you would give me an edible

and then no, I'd be fine. And then you'd break out the bong. And then the bong would be, it's like, I've done a bong before. And you just do a bong, I don't know what you do to it, but it's different. And I was so high. But by the time the smoke high

was wearing down, the edible was like kicking it strong. So it was just like a roller coaster. Well, let's not. Look at this fucking reef. This is the reef for the week right here. It's called, orange pop push pop 31%

fucking delicious oh but this I got over the weekend and this is fucking tremendous too it's called fig bar it's by what this company's fucking name over here this is the reef of the week

by Clayde 9 this is really pretty Mucho Bueno you know what I'm saying I'm excited. Yeah! Anyway, let's talk comedy, cock sucker. Two or three things we want to discuss.

Okay, yeah. Your catastrophe on Friday night. It wasn't a catastrophe. You should have heard your voice. It's like I took your lunch box with your last rice cake. That would be, that would piss me off. That's true. And then you went to lunch or got a drink with your friend,

and then you called me right away, and you were still like, and I could tell it's your Jewish neuroticisms, but then you took me back. And this is just the quest of comedy. Oh, yeah. I've always the numbers. If you fucking write, test your sets and start on Monday, say this week I'm going to do eight sets.

I see what you do. Five weeks in a row. That's 40 sets what the percentages are. Right. And you're going to shop, because if you're honest with yourself, unless you're one of those guys, I killed.

And then you talk to somebody like, dog, you ate a bag of dick. Right. No, I don't do that at all. The percentages are always. It's a percentage thing. And once you realize that with anything, sales, the more people you talk to,

the more shit you're going to sell. So, like, when you wouldn't get bummed if you bought, it wasn't a complete bomb, but it was just like. Not the set you wanted. And it was crazy because I had done so well with the exact same material I headlined and it did great

and then the same stuff it was just they were happy but not a lot of laughs and it was like oh my God and yeah it still bums me out when I had don't have a good set you know the weirdest thing is going to a town starting on Wednesday coming from the store where you just

were for two weeks banging it out with guerrillas now you shoot to this town Tampa Houston whatever you start on Wednesday by Friday you've put together six new minutes because you have been working on it you know and now you had a chance to improvise the second show Saturday Friday shows are tremendous forget about fucking Saturday and then Sunday you go back to LA you go home

whatever your girlfriend had to go out that night whatever you go down to the store and get on stage you know where were you you're like a you're like a beginning to headline guy and you get stuck at the store so you're like, you're walking in there, like, where were you? I was in Houston, you know, headlining, sick shows, you know, talking shit, like you don't know. And they come up to you, want to go up, and you're like, yeah,

oh, shit, I'm on fire. You will go up in the original room and just die. And I used to drive home, and I could not figure it out. I cannot figure it out. How can you kill in the town, come back home to your home club, do the exact same material. and you fucking die. I don't understand it.

Right. It drove me nuts. It drives you nuts. I can see if you want out there with a complete new 30. Right. This show sucks. I'm just going to bomb on purpose

to fuck with them. I've never done that. You did that? Oh, yeah, you have to because you have to show them who the boss is sometimes. How did that show them who the boss is? But you bomb it.

It's you. It's you. You're not performing. Every time in a while, you have to perform for you. You know, and this is when you go to an open mic. This is when you go to one of those shows where there's 100 people, but 95 of them are free tickets. They have no investment in the show. Right.

They'll look at their phone. They'll, you know, they're there to buy two drinks. They got the tickets for free. They're fucking living like doctors. They got over their high five, and they don't know that everybody gets tickets for free. Yeah. Right. they're walking in there like Joey bananas

and all sudden, you know, they didn't give away tickets because this guy's fucking hilarious. Or maybe he is. He doesn't have a following, you know, but it happens. It fucking happens. You know, they have no commitment. That's why my career changed

when I went to the improv to do the dirty show. And I go, listen, from now on, I don't want to guarantee. I needed every dollar that guarantee but I knew my work would be better if I had a gun to my head and instead of walking out with 400 I'd walk out with 1,200 after I paid everybody

and how would you get people there? At that time, MySpace, videos that's when Lindsay Lohan was going to jail so I would always post Lindsay Lohan will be there taking pictures and giving away Coke I'd bring a loaf of banana bread and cut it up and bray and put in the back table. Listen, you got to spend money to make money.

Same fucking thing we talked about when I bartended. You're sitting there. Guy sits down. Now he's got to order an appetizer. If you order three sets of appetizing, have him under the window. There you are. The guy came in, you threw him two fucking clams. Now he's going to suck your dick and buy 18 drinks and tip you.

Right. Yeah, I still think that's one of the smartest things I've ever heard anyone say. Especially about being a server, aren't bartender. You have to do these things. It's the same thing with comedy. And, you know, you're going to bomb.

Where are you going to bomb? I know. But you know what? You're going to find a way to kick ass when you need to kick ass. That's going to come. That's going to come soon. Where now you're like, you know what?

I'll audition for Mitchie show. Right. Okay. And if I eat it, I ate it, but I could audition for her. You have to be real honest. And, you know, like little things. And that's when you're ready for the next level.

You know, I spoke about the other day. Somebody sent me a movie clip. And they're like, we didn't know you were in this movie. It's the movie when I yell at the kids. Whatever, they're cooking. I'm like the fat teacher, fat Tony, big Tony. I don't know. Right.

He was called Stacy's mom. Okay. And that, I just, after the strike in two, 2007 I fell into a rut. I fell into a $100 a day movie rut. Every movie was $100 a day. What the? I did like eight of them in a row.

Eight of them in a fucking row. Like one to the other. Every other week I'd book one. I'm like, when am I going to book my fucking big movie? And this guy was talking to me about a mob series and a funeral parlor. And the money was good. but then he's like, listen, the producers using his family.

And he's playing the lead. I'm like, I'm out. I don't need that aggravation in my life. So I went home and I wrote a fucking a gold sheet. And I said, no matter how much, this is like 2000, this is right before I met you. I read a gold sheet. I go,

I'm not doing a holiday movies. I'm only doing TV shows. Scale, six fucking 50. And that's it. And I didn't work for about a year. Wow. I didn't fucking do anything for about it. No, no, I think I did that Showtime show.

Two episodes of that. But movies were not happening. I kept getting office for a holiday movies. And then finally, I got a call one day. And it was for a Stallone, De Niro, Kevin Hart movie. And it was well worth the wait. The movie sucked. You know, whatever.

But I got to work with Gennaro, John Berndtall, Kevin. You know, I had only seen Stallone one time. I didn't have scenes with him. L.L. Kuljay. It was a great learning experience. Were you ever tempted to take any of the $100 day movies? Sure. But I knew that the result was going to be the same.

I knew that it's the same shit. It's a $100 day movie. I got to wear my own suit. I got to pay for dry cleaning. I got to pay a $10 commission. I got to pay taxes. It's also going to be shot at night because they can't get none in the daytime.

They don't have a budget. So everything is going to be until 8 in the morning for fucking $100. It's not worth it. Right. It's really not worth it. And for some people it is. You're starting out. You're looking for a real.

Ba, ba, blah, blah, blah. Look, my early real is all college films. I did a movie with a Chinese movie. They all had cameras. And when the movie came out, it was pictures of our feet. It was like when Marlon Brando did Mutiny on the Bounty and Paramountie. showed up with Warner Brothers. They're like, what's going on here? Where's the director? And like,

we haven't seen him in a month. The director was Marlon Brando. He was in a hut with that chick he met on the island. Oh my God. He fucking gave him a guy from an island, like a cannibal with a bone in his nose and said, you shoot these movies.

Holy shit. You looked at that footage. They fucking lost their minds. That's why he almost didn't get the godfather. Because they hated him after that. I can imagine why. You know, yeah, because you're sending people away to shoot. It's like when they shot Caddyshack

and they went down to the sea production. And these motherfuckers were sleeping on the floor by a bunch of empty beer bottles. There was broken mirrors. There was cocaine everywhere. The studios weren't there. That's a documentary I'd love to see. Like the behind the scenes of Caddyshack?

Oh, my God. How Rodney almost quit. Because it was his first role to do stand-up and nobody was laughing. And the scenes Yeah, well, he came. He was like, hey, you must have been electric. You were something before electricity

and all that shit. Yeah. He fucking wasn't laughing. He fucking, they cut. They said cut and he walked off. And Howard Raymond decided to go get him and go, what the fuck? We're shooting the movie. There's no laughter. Yeah, see? He doesn't like not hearing laughter either.

When they said cut, the fucking set just fell the fuck down. Okay. Rodney was on fire in that movie. Yeah, I can't imagine not laughing. I want to talk about something that really is important to a lot of young comics. Okay.

You know, me and you have had, we and you had a great conversation last Sunday night. I know I said some things you didn't want to hear. But, you know, I still remember getting to L.A. 97, 98. And I was rocking, Lee. Was I Joey fucking banana? No, but after about a year or two, I really cut my teeth at the store, and I knew where I was going.

You know, I really, really knew where I was going. And by 2003, I was really fucking it up. Like, that's when I was getting Spider-Man 2, all that shit. I was at a good point in my life. Even though I was snorting fucking Coke every night, I just got into a rhythm. I'm sorry. cocaine was part of the rhythm. There was no exercise.

There was no sleep. It was cocaine and fucking comedy. That's all I cared about. I don't care about anything else. Let's be honest. And I was really frustrated. Guys, I was frustrated for 10 fucking years over the fact that you do movies,

you do a couple TV shows. You're at the comedy store. your name is getting out there, but you can't sell a ticket. It's very frustrated. Very frustrated. I spoke to a good friend of mine last week, and he goes, any day now, I'm going to feature

for the Hoc Tour Girl. Holy shit. Do you know what I'm saying? And again, I'm not putting the Hocatoo Girl down. We'll get into that story as we go. But it's so weird that you don't really mean anything in comedy. Your agent will tell you, oh, my God, that's set. Wait until you go to England and

do this festival. All that shit don't sell tickets. Right. So you fall into this thing and it really gets you down. Especially when you, when people tell you, oh, once you get to Hollywood, just do four episodes of a TV show.

You'll sell our comedy clubs every weekend. Not theaters, but comedy clubs. Friday and Saturday. Lee Syatt from back in the 90, 98. If you were like W.B. like Buffy. You sold out the weekends. That's how they measured funny back then.

Like, network. Just by your credit. And I went to see tons of comics and said, this is garbage. Right. This is hot fucking garbage. This guy's been on TV. I lost my, I didn't do a set to come down here and watch this guy because I thought he was going to be something special. And the guy's a bum. Right.

I can't even fucking get a laugh in a fucking. comedy club, you know, and it's really hard when you talk to a comedy agent and they're trying to push you and they put you on a tour with, you know, hopefully they could put you on a tour with somebody you get along with and you could get visibility. And even then, I was on the tour with Rogan from 2000. I was with Rogan every other week and when I started headlining the clubs, Rogan would go let Joey headline on Wednesday and Thursday. I'll do Friday, Sunday and I would go in there on Friday, Wednesday and Thursday and go, why would somebody pay for me? Negative, negative thinking, why would somebody pay $15 for me? Because on Friday and

Saturday, they're going to pay $25 and get everybody for free. Me, R.E. And that one in my head, that was a negative, you know, and I had no eyes to get it out of that. But I noticed something After about a year that my Wednesdays and Thursdays had improved from 11 to 17, 18, you know, and then MySpace came along and everybody joined MySpace because Dane Cook blew up on MySpace. You know, everybody now had MySpace. And I started to blog and, you know, again, when you read that blog, the first 10 of them are Erikel. I never wrote before on my life. over here

yeah and then people fucking ridiculed me and I bought a dictionary and I started from fucking scratch and at the end I was getting like 900 reads you know yeah

and that taught me that there's a system here but I remember how frustrated I wasn't a comic that nobody would talk to me because there was no ticket sales yeah it was like yeah he books movies but the big, even the media and comedy agencies at that time wouldn't touch me.

I was so heartbroken. And then movies, I do this, I do, my name is Earl, I recur, I recur on all his shows. And it's like, okay, this isn't going to people. And Ralphie Mae told me, he goes, you're going to sell tons of tickets. You got to stop doing shows. You got to stop doing shows. comedy for the back of the room. There's no the back of the room. There's no money

when you're funny for comedians. You know, you go up there and say the raunchiest thing in the comics are like, oh my God, he's so brave. But the 90 people were funny and like, what the fuck was that? That's a mentality also where I'm so brave. I'm going to go up there and talk about an aborted fetus. You know. Oh, I hate that.

Yeah, all that shit. I was actually talking about this with another comic today and like I'm very lucky there are people who come out from the podcast but it as I'm what I'm trying to be for the like the people when I get to open for people or if like you know any show I do people might not think like expect to like me going in but like I'm I'm trying to get people to want to come back I feel like you're talking about the TV people and you went but you would never go back to see him no I would love someone yeah if someone got like a free ticket, but we'll come back to see me the next time

I came to town. And again, you have exceptions like Kevin James and Kevin Hart. But there's those comics that recur on those shows. And they hang up in places and they put like a little hat on. And they go up there and do cute comedy. Those guys don't sell no fucking tickets. Right. And

it's funny that I started a podcast with Felicia. And I did about, I don't know, maybe 10 episodes. And I was feeling my and we just started telling the story. And I told the story about mugging a hooker

and lighting her wigging on fire. The fucking first thing that ever took me over. And I'll never feel like laughing by myself and looking over at Felicia. And her face had dropped and she had tears in her eyes. And when we ended the podcast, she's like, I don't know if I should put that up. I go, put it up.

I've tried everything else. Put it up. Yeah. Stupid story. I sold 150 tickets a week later, five days later. Wow. You know? And that was like, and then I started doing more shows.

There was 60 people. Brea had gone to sellouts every week. Brea was selling out the last year I was doing it once a month. That was fucking amazing. How many things did that? 280. That's a lot of people on Wednesday. Dog and not giving away tickets.

And it was funny. I learned how to fucking buy people to sell tickets, you know, because you always have the comp list. And I remember I had a big timer one time. Somebody goes, I want to do your show, and I go, okay. And I posted it, and everybody helped me up for free tickets. And I go, I can't.

The headliner won't allow it. You got to pay the $20. Headline didn't even get paid. And guess what? They all paid the $20 for the fucking ticket. Right. when you force the hand they will pay the $20 fucking dollars and I didn't I wasn't looking for 40

like now I look at comedy shows eight steps 40 dollars you're not doing nothing for nobody you just turn to people wait at comedy and that's a mistake a lot of young comics make they put shows together and they put their goofy friends and you know again people walk out like what is this this is a circus of fucking debt in this motherfucker so it's just really funny how tickets sell.

But then on the other side, I want people to know also that you have to be working it from eight different angles because one of those angles is going to hit and then it all comes together. The reason why the Yankees were so great because they had seven guys that could really fucking hit for a long time. Let's say eight guys that could really hit. But in their mind, they knew they only need. to four to be on.

You might be red hot July, but in August, you might not fucking hit who gots. And in September, you might not hit shit. And all of a sudden, in October, you're hitting home runs like Reggie Jackson. You know, it's everybody goes on their things.

Sometimes in comedy, have you ever had a week that you've bombed? Thursday, Friday, maybe something. Yeah, that's going to come. Oh, no. A whole weekend? A whole weekend.

You're trying new shit. The headlining you open has a different style. The club called you. They made a mistake. You know, they just called the wrong guy. And you go up there and you're doing the best material you can. But you don't figure them out. And you were there.

I was headlining with Ari and you were there. I bombed Thursday, Friday, boat shows, and Saturday early. And I said, you know what? the material's gone. Going out the Acapella. And that's the best side I had all week because I was focused. Yeah.

Real. Don't fall in love with your material. It ain't that special. Oh. I get so nervous going off of material. Like I had lib, but like, I couldn't imagine ad-libing for an hour.

No. No, that's horrible. What are you doing for? unless you got like a 20 minute chunk two 20 minute chunks in that. But isn't that what you did that night? When?

In San Francisco, when you said you went out, you went up acapella? I went up acapella, but I didn't improvise. I didn't, I mean, I didn't talk to the audience. Oh, okay. I didn't talk to the audience. I just went out there and fucking talked until they couldn't take it no more.

That's like, they just had to. to laugh. Huh? And they just had to laugh. Like, what happened? Wow. You know, you work yourself up. People feel your excitement. They feel your energy and they start rolling with you. People could also

see when you're fucking just focused on material. You're trying to do the material for the T. You're shooting a special in three weeks. And that sucks. Can we imagine shooting a special in two weeks and you just ate four dicks in San Francisco? And it's

guys, this is again, this is part of the fucking life. And I laugh because I know that I'm laughing now. I wasn't laughing then. Are you with me? Like, I wasn't laughing. I was going to it. But I'm laughing now thinking about how I thought,

oh my God, wait until they see me in Montreal. And then you come back and you still have a shoulder ticket. And then your agent's promoting you. And I still remember going into rooms where I was just, and bagged the first longest yard comedy tour was six weeks of just torture. I only sold tickets two out of the six weeks. And this wasn't one night.

This was, I still remember calling those guys back. What am I coming back soon? Yeah, all right. These guys have gone, come back, and they still haven't called me since that bombing that time. Oh, no. I bombed four out of six weeks. The only two weeks I did well was Beaumont.

because I fucking OD'd on stage on Yeager Meister and fucking Valium. That was good? Huh? That was good? At least I got laughs. You know what I'm saying? I mean, by Saturday I have to lay down on the stage.

Fucking nightmare. Josh Wolf was there, he'll tell you. Holy shit. Yeah, so, you know, listen, that's my first tour. May of 95, of 2005, to like July of 2005 was very, very awigening. You know, I was doing comedy 14 years,

and I just, I wasn't a headliner. I got for 50 minutes, like a headline, I wasn't the headline. And that's when I learned that. Then I went to do my little tour of Thursday nights, and I saw these guys that were headliners. I go, I get it. So what do you think? Because getting feature sets is really,

just getting those sets is really hard right now. I know. I'm doing it. So, I am moving. Everybody has the same song and dance about feature. Right. Right. I'll tell you what, because you're going into A rooms. You want to be a feature, going to a C room.

They don't bring headliners and features. Some features bring their own headliners in those dumps. That is true. Interesting. But if you want to work A rooms, these guys don't want to hear it no more on the road. They'll bring two of that guys from their agency. So they're helping the age,

they're helping themselves, and they, you know, what do you want me to tell you? That's the, that's the groan. When I toured, I didn't fucking hire no features on the road. I'm sorry.

I knew 10 guys who were starving in L.A. That were really working. Not people who are going to call you up and go, I want to guess that. Fuck you. I got Dean going up 19 times a week on a motorcycle. He nearly killed himself on sunset. I got Eric Rocha, a gay guy, doing gay jokes,

a teepee, and fucking, you know, and you want me to, I can't do it. You have to feed the people that are underneath you. You, how many times I take you on the road? Oh, I'm not complaining at all. I'm just saying that I'm very lucky that I get the spots that I do. Well, how do you feel? If you imagine me fucking calling you and going to leave,

you're not coming to Boston. I'm going to use a local guy. I don't even know. Right. No, and I get up, but I also understand how expensive it is. And every, it's not expensive, but every town

you go to, two weeks before, you get 20 fucking requests. And you're like, I'm not doing that. I don't know you. I don't know what you're going to do on that stage.

I don't know. I got two guys with me. I got a guy that calls me every couple weeks. Hey, look at the same. room I got. Look at these rooms. Listen, guy, the problem is I got to use you. And I'd rather fucking light myself on fire than have you up front anywhere on

that stage. So I always tell him. Yeah, give me a date and I'll come down with my team. Oh, I got to run that through the... He wants me to hold. No, no, no, no, no. I'm never going to take the fucking gig. I just tell him that. Because I know that's what he wants.

That's not going to work. I got guys that I see fucking killing themselves every night. And just because we can go blow some smoke up my ass, I gotta fucking give you a feature fucking week. I can't. So let me ask. Okay.

And I appreciate it. So, but like, if I'm trying to like fill my schedule, is it better for me to be, if I'm living in New York, just doing four three to four set tonight in New York than trying to headline somewhere else? I don't know. When you come to New York, you're not coming here to go on the road. Right.

You're coming here to go locally. They have 22 states around here. From D.C. to Maine. That's your tour. Anything else you want to do it on your own for one night or something? That's on you. That's on you. But when you get, like when I got to the comedy store, I'd establish myself.

I got on a Monday, and that Thursday I was going to leave the road. I canceled that. They never talked to me again. I call them like Wednesday morning. I'm not coming up there. Why? Because I'm a regular at the store. You want me to come up there to be a small $2.50,

and I got to sleep in my car. I'm not going up there. I'm going to come and learn why I'm at the store. So when you go to New York, you're going to get New York Comedy Club. The other one, you got to get to the cellar. No, you know. No, I'm not worried about that right now. When you're ready for the seller, they'll call you.

Yeah, I'm not ready for that at all. I run down there and chase them when you can walk down there and fuck them all. Oh, yeah. You know, this is on this time. I'm moving to, I can't wait to get to the fucking comedy seller. Listen, knock it off. You haven't even fucking done the 11 o'clock spot at the New York Comedy Club. There's a growth to here.

You haven't even gotten that 8 o'clock spot at Gotham. You know, so you really, you know, I saw so many guys throw their careers away at the fucking comedy store. Yeah. For years, trying to get sets up there and this and kissing ass and bringing minty flowers and, you know, listen. But, and then you sit up there and cry. Not gravel cry, but they would sit up there and bitch. Why are not getting spots? I was a regular for a long time.

I just shot an HBO spare. And you're like, guy. The two hours you're sitting there, you can be doing three sets if you really wanted to. At least three. But you want to do the store. So what can I fucking tell you? When I left the store, like in 2007,

there was a crew. When I got there in 98, there was a fucking crew that was there from like the Richard Pride Days. And they were there crying every night. And they hated the young guys. They put the young guys through hell. They really did. I never forgot that shit.

They would make remarks about you and fucking say this. I could go into thousands of the fucking stories. You know, establish yourself in New York. You're not moving to New York to get a $4,000 apartment to go on the road every week. Oh, no. So get that Volkswagen going. Get that Nazi car. machine you got, put some

whirl on that fucking thing, and get ready to drive. From Philadelphia, the punchline fucking helium, you know, this is it. This is the life you chose. I'm thrilled. Yeah, this is it. It's not going to,

you know, New York's got 10 million comics and 10 million stories and 10 million comedy rooms. So you come to me and go, I don't know, getting spots. Well, because you're aiming for fucking big things. I'm just trying to get better right now. Yeah, that's it. I'm

not coming with any expectations. I just think I'm funny enough to be... You're going to have a plan. You are going to have a plan. I'm going to stay four nights a week. I'm going to take all the gigs I can every fucking weekend. You know, whether it's 300 or

250. You have put yourself in a range because you can make money in New York on the weekends. They pay. I like the clubs. Yeah, yeah, they pay like $50 a spot, $25. It's not going to change your life. No. You're still going to have to put on the dress and hook once a week at the old place,

sit on the old guy's lap and let them feel your balls and talk to you. It pays very well. How do you think I have the $4,000 a month apartment? I got like three old guys that I'm going to already hook up with you. The right man, Manhattan, you rub their feet. It's a good time. Oh, their feet. Why their feet?

The last thing I want to talk to you about that I've found very interesting. I see people just killing themselves on the internet. Especially in the script. I see a lot of comics just fucking over exposing themselves with nothing to say. Yeah, that's true. You have two or three tweets a day. You have one Instagram a day.

You got one Facebook a day. Don't waste it. Especially if you're going to put your face on Instagram, don't waste it with the word of the week listen and I've been watching and I'm going what are these fucking people doing

then they complain you know I can't sell tickets I don't know what's going well look at the shit you're putting that every day you know it's not you're not you're done your viral days are done ain't nothing going to go viral yet

you already put out a year of videos you're just driving people crazy That's it. You're just driving people crazy. And then I saw the Haktur's Instagram. Yeah, you're very impressed. Follow her and learn what high PR firms do. This isn't, you know, when you become a little bigger and people are going to come to you and go, oh, my God, Lee, you need a PR firm.

Don't get your tickets for the garden. And you got to pay some smug, 7,500. of the month. And there's 100 people that do it. Well, for tickets for the garden, if you want to go to a restaurant and tell them you're coming, if you want to get a reservation at Dan Tannas, you want to get a

reservation at Arlene Morton's. What's the one in Brooklyn? The really good one. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. That's what needs to be done. You know, everybody gets a publicist to get into the garden events and to be cool. Oh, my God, you know. But that's

cost $7,500, $5,000 a month. I have friends that pay $5 grand a month on top of the four-month rent, okay? I can't, I mean, I don't want to promise, but if I'm spending $5,000 a month on that, I'd better be making a lot

of fucking money. That's crazy. And $5,000 is like for a medium, if you want like Holly, whatever, I'm fucking Haktur girls, that's $15 grand a month. What they've done with her, they slowed it down, they took Haktua out of her fucking resume

and they got her talking about her life and just being a cute girl and going to events and bro, they're going to do something with this shit. Yeah, they're getting $30,000 a fucking public. She's going to get something. Well, she has a good personality. She got a great personality and the accent sucks you in and they didn't fucking, they sat down and made a plan for this girl.

and it is very, very, very impressive to see how the fuck they did her up. It's fantastic. She was on Whitney. Yeah, she was. I watched like half hour of it, you know, just to see what's going on. Listen, Whitney's a comic,

and this little girl held her own. Oh, yeah. Something is going to happen there, whether a reality show, a scripted show, something, a sports show, something, a sex show. She's going to get something. But it was that publicity company

that turned it around. It turns... Go to IMDB. Go to UTA. She signed with United Talent Agency. Go to UPA and see our agent and see your fucking... If she signed with a publicity, if not...

I don't pay for IMDB. Okay. fucked. I don't have it here. I got to go to the main computer. But yeah, it's very interesting to see, and you should pay for IMDB. I don't know what you got.

Get IMDB Pro. Okay. Why? Because pretty soon agents are going to start reaching out to you. And you want to click them away. You want to see who they have, who they represent. They got certain people that You don't like, you don't have to sign with her.

I don't want that bad luck. Kiss of death on my roster. You know, it's like that shit. So when people call you, oh yeah, let me call you right back. My mom just fell. Boom,

your IMD, B. I'm so he was gotten and called back. She's falling and she can't get up. And you can see it. And you can see all they have. Okay. So you're coming down tomorrow, correct? Yeah, I'm flying.

I've never flown to New York. I'm here. There's an airport like 10 minutes from my house. Fucking two in the morning, cuck sucker. You could have walked here in an hour. We'll see. Hopefully not. So, yeah, if you look at the Hock tours, they stopped it. They slowed her down. They dressed her up,

and they just have her talking with her neighbors, with her dad, with this guy, that guy. It's very interesting. Well, and you said, like, it seems like she picked the right PR firm, but when, like, something like that happened, like, someone goes viral like that, how many PR firms were, like, attacking her immediately, like, that day? Like, how many officers she gave?

Yeah, but how did they? UTA signed it. And then I think she signed with a management company first. And UTA went in there, like some local management company. I think. And then they reached out. Or they have in-house publicity. But Webb is doing it.

Fucking fantastic. And people don't understand. To sell a ticket, you have to connect with your base. You have to really connect with your base. There's got to be a fucking connection. You could tell them all the Jewish words and how Jewish people act and you're the Jew of the week. Great. You're a fucking Jew.

We know this. Now what? What makes you tick? What makes you tick? Do you think going on stage and talking about eating pussy's going to make people tick for you? No. Stories. It's turning.

It's turning. And again, this comes in time when you learn to do this. It's taking life experiences, taking a look at them, and turning them into a fucking joke. And sometimes you, you know, I used to do coke with my cat. That is the most exaggerated. joke in the world. I still get hate now. Do you really? Oh my God, once a fucking month. Fuck you.

It was an exaggeration of a joke. That's the fucking joke, you know. But those little jokes are the ones that connect with people. Because there's a thousand people that have ducked coke and I've looked at their cat at one point and I can go, what the fuck is going on here? There's so many things. That connection is what makes people go in. And then it becomes the law of natural returns. You ever going to make a left turn?

Right. And there's two lanes. There's always one lane that's got eight cars more than the other one. People will get in that lane instead of the inside lane that only has four. Their followers, they go to the first thing they see. We live in society that get two lines for the same. same fucking thing and pack one line.

People stand in line for two hours before somebody goes, the other line is open. Right. That's crazy, but you're right. They don't want to see it. That's how it starts. That's the beginnings of a fucking sheep. That's the beginnings of a sheepville.

That's how they fucking nail you. So that's the easiest thing after that. What are you doing today? I'm going to see Joe Deers. I don't know who that is. Oh, my God. Okay, I'm coming. And now you just got an extra four guys.

Out of the four guys, the two chicks are going to hate you, but the guys are going to love you. Right. And I set a date for a year later, not in three. Oh, my God. You sold so many tickets. When can you come back? 14 months?

No, you can come back. No, I'm not going to have material. Right. Because if you do a completely new material. A professional agent is going to put you there. Let's say you do March and you do great. this cute motherfucker is going to put you there in August and then because you're the hot ticket,

they're going to put you there New Year's Eve. And these people who went to see the first and second time, they're going to bring their friends now to the third time. Wait until you see them, oh my God. And either you haven't written a fucking joke, that they have to go, oh, thank God he's saying that joke. This is my favorite joke.

You know, it's all about the connection. I still remember watching a dear friend of my who's a horrible comic on a Showtime show. I was waiting to watch them to support him. And I had to go to the bathroom. And I sat on the toilet and I could listen to him. And from listening to him, I go, I'm changing my routine. I love Rodney and I started out trying to be Rodney and Dice put together.

I changed my routine. No more one-liners. I'm not doing nothing. I'm not accomplishing nothing. It gets laughs, but I'm not becoming a headline. I have to get in their head. They have to get into mine. And then we come together at some point,

and now it becomes easy. You sell not everywhere. But that's a complete different story. But always remember, you could call 20 agents and go, dog, I got 19 standing ovations. I'm ready. If you ain't sent little tickets, nobody wants to fucking talk to me. And these motherfuckers are so greedy today.

that don't force you out there. And now you're out there selling 18 tickets, and you ain't coming back to that fucking club. Right, not for a long time. Not for a long fucking time. So where are you at this weekend? No shows in the state. This week, I'm in New York.

I have a couple of shows at Shiba's at the Three Monkeys Bar. It's a great room. I'm not sure exactly. I'm going to find out about that this week. I'm doing the comedy shop. I'll be there probably a couple of times. but the big ones are Rodney's August 29th Thursday night, 915 in New York City.

I'm really excited. And my hometown, Nix, September 6th and September 7th, 8 o'clock show. So excited. You're a bad motherfucker dog. I'm happy we welcome the new sponsor. I hope you guys like them. And I'll see you next week, my brother. Love you, buddy.

Stay black and beautiful. The check-in is brought to you, and I'd like to welcome Diet Smoke to the show. Listen, the world of special gummies can be very scary, but maybe you don't need to see the devil immediately. That's why you need diet smoke. Diet Smoke is your gummy matchmaker. That customer service gives you personalized recommendations. No more guessing what works for you.

Listen, I know what works for you, all right? But maybe you don't want to go that deep. They got the firework gummies, they got shots, and they got mushroom gummies. Diet smoke even has a lifetime happiness guarantee. If you don't love it, they'll replace it or give you your money back. Once you know what you like, you get a subscription. It's easy to adjust, and you'll never run out of gummies. And by the way, my wife is on one of these prescriptions, and she digs it.

They just send it direct every other month or whatever. So, as a special offer today, I'm going to get them. my family, 20% off, your first order here. Plus, a free gift when you visit Dietsmoke.com and press code Joey, J-O-E-Y at checkout. So did you hear what I just said to you or what? If you like it, you get a subscription and you can adjust it and you'll never run out of gummies. There'll always be one coming in. It's a tremendous way. And again, as a special offer for my listeners, I'm going to get you 20% off your order. Plus, a free gift when you visit Dietsmoke.com and press and code Joey at checkout.

Experience better sleep, relaxation, and perfectly balanced product with great customer service at every step. Remember, that's Dietsmoke.com. promo code Joey for 20% off your entire order, plus a free little gift. they take care of your diet smoke. So again, dietsmoke.com. promo code Joey. Your perfect vibe awaits you.