The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Joey Diaz wants to build up his tolerance again

Episode Date: September 17, 2024

Joey Diaz talks with Lee Syatt about his plan to earn Lee $50k by sending him to rehab, the power that anger has over you, why prison and the Army are more similar than you'd think, what someone did to Joey that made him leave a football game, and much more! Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Liquid I.V. order. Use code JOEY at https://www.liquidiv.com New DraftKings customers get $250 in bonus bets and 1 month of NFL+ Premium when you bet just $5. Download the DraftKings app and use code JOEY The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

What's up? I'm doing good. I'm fucking pretty high. I'm like, it's just hitting me right now that I live here. Oh, it's going to take a few days. It's going to take that you get hit in the head or get mugged, and then you'll be on the floor.

Why are you putting that on me? Why are you putting it? It's the truth. Nobody knows they're in New York because they get mugged. They get hit with a brick, and they go, oh, I'm in New York. Wow. And, you know, you say, why do you put that on me?

Let me tell you something. You get hit in the head with a brick and you're okay. You get up. You'll be so happy about being in New York. It's like that guy that got hitting a bottle of my comedy show at Nyack that night. He's like, man, this is the best night in my life. I got hitting the head. I got stitches.

I got to see Joey Dears. He looked at it from a different perspective. Yeah, we're two different kinds of people. That would not be the best. I think that would be the, I don't think I'd even get the stuff I bought. I think I would just leave. If I got hit in the head with a brick. So what?

You'd have a little turban on for a few. weeks you grow the morph is he Jewish is he Iranian what's going on here you know what's going on here you know what I'm saying is he Palestinian it's fun anyway congratulations on your move thank you buddy you're excited you know a lot of shit happened this week and that's good you know you moved didn't do much comedy but it gives you a couple days to sit back and watch and also it gives you more material if you're not called this four story fucking dilemma you got yourself fin on stage. This is just, this is your closing bit

on your first special. This is what it's going to become. You're not even paying attention to it. It's like the man said, when opportunity knocks, you know, but you ain't listening for the knocks. Yeah, but I guess you're right. I wasn't thinking about writing a joke about it. I've been telling

jokes about it to like people around me, but I haven't done it on state. It says fucking four floors. Oh my God. We're trying to get draft kings to give you an over and under. What? How many times I fall or something? No. How long it's going to take you to say I've had it? Just jump off the balcony and go, that's it. I ain't walking up these stairs.

Well, if draft kings want to do, let's do a whole, like, ticket. We'll do, like, how many months until I jump off the balcony? How many times I fall? How many times, like, you know, like, you have the over and under. What do you say? When were you get hit in the head? I don't want to get hit in the head. Watch the square park, you know, like, I got, yeah, bah.

He went to Weissons Square Park thinking like it was the festival of love. It is. In the head with a stick. One of the old rocked boxers fucking stab you for $3. When I was here finding this apartment or finding apartments, I was in Washington Square Park and I asked someone, I'm like, are we allowed to smoke weed here? And they looked at me like, they're selling weed on a table right there. You're half retarded. Am I allowed to shoot weed in here?

Are you fucking? They've been shooting heroin this since 1968. And you're really worried. smoking weed and that motherfucker. That's where you go to see the real devil. They would shoot heroin just in the park? Yeah, they were out there. When I was a kid, I used to go there with somebody to pick up heroin.

He used to pick up heroin and leave me and my buddy in the bar at fucking McSawleys. Okay. We'd go on McSorleys and we'd get three mugs for a dollar in a bowl of chili. And he'd hook us up because if we were with him, he would never get pulled over. We were his plumbing assistance. He would give us like 50 a day just to go over there with him and hold his beers and fucking, he'd do all the plumberth work. We'd go to the car wrench every 20 minutes.

But how long would it take him to get heroin if you were having like all these beers and chili? Dog, I would, we would walk into McSawley's alehouse. We would order a mugger because in those days, there was like a happy hour, three mugs for a dollar or something. Jesus. we would fucking order you know a mugger beer he would talk to us for like 15 minutes

he would go right to Washington Square Park walk back in sit down take a sip of the beer taste the chili go to the bathroom shoot it and fucking come right out and sit with us and finish the chili Jesus is it what happened heroin like it doesn't seem like the heroin people now

could eat chili with you at a bar well listen I don't fucking know Do I hang out with heroin people? Cucksucker. I don't know. You're a parent. You used to. I don't know.

You don't even see heroin people that much. I mean, people are doing a lot of heroin in New York. But you don't see the people at the light, nodding in between, like, falling asleep. You don't see that a lot. Unless you go on a subway. No, it's a different city. There used to be a time with those fucking creepy motherfuckers were all over the city, drooling on themselves. There's been a lot of cops out.

That is one thing I've noticed. is that there's cops like every couple of blocks. There's a car. There's a cop. Like, they're out. Oh, you know, they're deterrent as much fucking crime as they can in New York. You know, and like I said, the five barrels is huge. You're never going to have enough manpower to cover everything.

So things get away. People get, look at last night there was a shooting somewhere. This afternoon, they shot somebody in Queens. I mean, last night, they fucking was a, they shot two people after the Detroit Lion game. did they really? Yeah, right at the fucking stadium. Somebody died, somebody's in critical condition. There was a shootout.

I mean, you know, listen, man, we're in a different world right now. They almost shot Trump again, right? Yeah. On the fucking God force, which thought, it's, listen, like I told you a year ago, just get the passport ready to go within minutes. Get yourself. Get yourself. And this goes for everybody, not just for Lee.

I wish I had the luxury of doing this. You know, put $200 in a fucking bank account and transfer it to some bank in Norway. So when you get over there, you got money somewhere. Like, I'm telling you, this is going to be... Do you think it's like getting out of the country bad in tune? I think that if you're fucking sick of this shit, it's time to go somewhere else.

If you're sick of this economy, if you're sick... You can't buy a house. you can't afford, you know, 100 grand gets you nothing in an American household now. You know, what's the fucking use? What do you think? I get that. I got a president. It's all going to get better.

The milk prices are going to go down and eggs and cars are going to go down. I mean, you know, and this is what the hope is. So if this doesn't happen, people will be very angry. In their subconscious, at this point, everybody's waiting for. something better. They don't know what it is but if they what they get there's going to be a lot more fucking shootings.

Yeah, it does seem like people like it just seems like everyone's more angry than like about everything. The pressure is fucking mounting. Your credit card debt is mounting. It started four years ago during COVID. You thought you were cool ordering lopter tails from Maine

online. And tickets and the concerts and the plane tickets and there's a lot of angry people in the country right now that's why you know we need a fucking laugh from time to time and goof and because it's the truth when they really think about I remember being like fucking young and thinking about the future what was I going to do how was I going to keep snort and coke where was I going to get this million dollars from you know you think about but I always kept that in mind like no matter how

fucked up I was what what's going on here you know and now Now, I have friends that are struggling. I have people in my life that are not working. I have, you know, everybody's complaining about the price of fucking a plane ticket, milk, a toll, you know, and people just get angry, bro. You don't want to think about your shit. That's what made me used to do drugs, I think, at night coming home and thinking about my reality, I'm going to be a loser. How am I going to do this? Fuck it.

Let me just knock more coke. I mean, that's the answer right now. Yeah. And, you know, hey, listen, man, it's rough out there for a pimp. It can be. Pimping ain't easy, but it sure is motherfucking fun, Lisa, at. So look at the world sideways. Fucking these two people beat themselves up on stage during a fucking concert.

Did you see that? You know, I mean, they canceled the rest of the tour. They were going to cancel one show. do the rest of the tour. They canceled the rest of the tour. And I'm telling you that there was anger up at that stage about something. He says he was stealing his limelight or whatever. First off, you're 60.

There ain't no fucking life. What do you think could have happened? Like, as a performer, like, did you see something? Like, oh, I know what they're fighting about. The last time I saw something like that was the Eagles. When the Eagles were together, that's what made them break up. They played for a governor, like a free show to raise money. And the one guy didn't like it.

A couple of them didn't like it. But one guy raised his hand. He started fighting with Glenn Fry, and he fucking went after Glenn Fry. And they had known each other for God knows how many years. But traveling together, all that shit. These guys just started the tour. I don't know how many dates. I could be wrong.

I don't know how many dates they could be into it. But if they canceled the tour, maybe they don't have a lot of ticket sales either. Right. Which was a big problem this summer. Like all these tours went out there and they thought they were going to get ticket sales and they got out there and they're fucking in a movie theater. They got 300 people like everybody else. And that's, dog, that's rough. That's got to be rough.

I guess to me, 300 people sounds amazing, but I understand what you're set for a back like that. When you've been doing arenas and fucking festivals, and I don't even know what that plays seats. I may be completely wrong here. I don't know. Right. Was it drugs? Were they hammered?

I don't think so. First of all, I love Navarro. I mean, you know, that motherfucker played a guitar. He's a tiny, dude, but don't get confused. He could play that fucking guitar. And Perry Farrell, he's not my favorite fucking singer. You know what I'm saying? I've heard fucking grandmother's brother.

So, who knows? It's just fucked up that that happens on stage. That's anger. That's exactly what we're talking about. You know? I mean, it's just fucked up. I'm thinking of going to the jet game on Thursday. And I'm like, am I going to get hit in the head?

You know, because this is what you got to think about these things now. Is that going to be some guy shooting bullets from some fucking satellite in New York City? you know, all you want to do is go enjoy yourself. Yeah. And now I think twice. On a scale one or ten, like how much do you think about it? Like, because I don't at all. Well, four.

Okay. Which means when I walk in, when I get out of that car and I'm walking in, I'm very quiet, and I'm just watching. You know, just watching. Watch. Just pay attention. Pay attention to the door you go into. Pay attention. Unless you sit down, make sure you know where the exits are. If you can move towards the exit, fuck it, do it.

Just in case somebody, fuck it. When I go to movie theater, you know you have to get a ticket and tell them where you want to sit. I sit what I want. What are you talking about? Because there's no movie theaters that are packed anymore. You buy this, you buy the special ticket. you get there and there's eight people in the movie theater. So you want me to sit where you want me to sit, go fuck yourself.

There's a thousand empty seats. Right. I'll find the closest one to the exit that I can run downhill. I'm going in like a big back of hoon. I could jump and take down two people with 260 coming at you. Damn, okay. You know, you have to start thinking. that way in today's America. I'm not trying

to scare you leave, but it's a truth. You walk into a restaurant. You walk into a place in New York City. You sit with your back to the fucking wall. And all of a sudden, you live in, you're in boogie nights when that guy robs a donut place. And also some guy comes in with a gun and you're in there. Yeah.

I need to, but I do need to think it like that. But then also the thing that I struggle with in New York that I'm like, I'm focusing on so I don't get in trouble is like minding your own business. If like you see it, like, I've seen crazy shit and everyone tells me like don't look at it you just you just walk you're you don't know nothing mind your own business i don't know nothing listen man i know everything

and you listen to somebody like this and you go that guy's got no compassion no i've had plenty of compassion and i've stopped for plenty of people but at the same time you don't know what's going on you don't want to go over there and captain savaho and get you're stab and people do. What's the number one worst fucking thing a cop, domestic violence cause? Really? Okay. That's the number one

fucking thing that they go into now with like helmet gear, because you don't know what's going to happen. That's love. God knows what happens. She cheated, he cheated, he cheated, he fucked the midget and orgy. You don't fucking know. Right. And they're angry. Okay. It's coming back to anger a lot

this week. Okay. Yeah, anger is fucking just, and I get it. I fucking get it. I see young guys, they're angry. I fucking really relate to that. Because at 25, I hated the fucking world. 24, 22, I hated the fucking world. You know, I had the attitude the world was against me, you know.

No, you're against you. It's so funny, I was thinking about this, how mercy has gotten away with murder. on softball and basketball because of her athletic ability. She started early, you know, she was throwing punches and kicks when she was four with Kita. But I talk to when I go, you know, when you get to be about 12 or 13, you got to start focusing on what you want to do, and it becomes lifting and running, and it becomes a lot of facets of your fucking life. The same thing is for improving your life.

People say they want to improve their life, so I eat more tomatoes. but and everything else they wait for something to happen nothing's going to happen unless work on it like you have to work on it work on it work on it and it just it's a lot of struggle and people finally go fuck it I'm not going to do this I'll just go to easy ride I don't fucking blame him you know what's crazy because I went the easy route I didn't I couldn't make it as a fucking US civilian so I became a comedian that was the easy that was the is hanging fruit for me. I was born to do that shit. Tell stupid stories, make people laugh and hang out in the corner and smoke dope.

Who ya? Where do I sign up for that shit? But that was taking the easy way out for you. Yeah, I could have gone to school and been somebody. I could have been a fucking contender. I could have been a lawyer. I had to go fuck things up. Do you think you'd actually like it? I don't think I'd like being a lawyer because my mom does it. And she, I think I would hate it. Listen, after 30 years, you're going to hate it. But the first 10, 15 years, it's so fucking interesting.

It's so fucking interesting, getting people off and defending them. I think it would be, I think it would be something I loved. I really do. I love negotiation. Yeah, you like that part. I love all that shit. So I could just imagine a different life, what I could have done with it. But, ah, you know.

I think you did pretty fucking good. Fucking said, just thinking of it. I really do. I would have love to have a college life and maybe been on the fucking rowing team or some

fucking, you know. Why the row? God, you have like a nerdier wish than I do. Yeah, I don't know. That's the way an American kid is raised.

Not how I was raised. Listen, the plan was maybe, listen to plan, man. Go to fucking college and then you join the fucking Marines. You learn how to kill motherfuckers with a law degree. You don't know.

You learn how to kill people with a degree. Because I tell you what, you'll kill people a lot better with a degree than you don't have a degree. Like you fucking just a duck. Then you come back and you go to fucking law school. And you're going as a fuck. You come out. I mean, you're an officer going in.

I mean, it's just an amazing light that they print for you, you know, that they blueprint for you. And it's not that hard. It's not that hard. You go to the Army for four years. You take classes. The Army pays for it. You don't got to put the strain on your parents or your grandmother,

wait for your grandfather to die or sell the house. You know, I see a lot of kids that are going to two years of community college now. Yeah. I'm out here. It's Brookdale, right, the fucking Rutgers. And the girl was telling me, the same professors I had last year, we used to teach at Rutgers. They just don't want to wear a jacket number.

I don't blame him. But the Army, that doesn't sound easy to me at all. I could never do that. I know that I would, I don't think I'd last a day in the Army. Listen, if I made it in prison, I can make it in the Army because it's the same foundation. You're just adding a ton of exercises to it and getting yelled that racial slur. Which one is jail or fucking army? I can't tell which one you're describing.

Jail in the Army ain't no fucking different. You know what I'm saying? I mean, depends how you look at. But what was I thinking? Going to college. In the Army, you're working towards, I mean, listen, in both organizations, you're working towards something. I'm calling prison an organization. In both of the things, you're working towards something.

But at the same time, getting out alive. You exercise and you're taking a lot of shit from people. I don't know how long basic camp is, basic training, but that's basically. After that, you decide where you're going to go. they train you you know you could go to nice places you could be a killer I would choose just to be like one of those

rifle dudes and learn how to shoot people from 10 years away like a sniper rifle that's what you want to do you want to be this sniper rifle attorney I had no idea then I come out and you become an attorney you go back to fucking law school you know it's it's a tremendous

and you're all doing this by the time you're 27 28 think about they send you to war then you start shoot motherfuckers they train you to and sit there

and get shot oh yeah but college is expensive but I don't want to fucking go to war what if there's no war what if you're just going over there and learning how to sniff bombs

you know that's an occupation I'm not a dog train a fucking dog how to be a killer the canine unit there's so much shit you can learn that I'm not saying that you have a cushion if the attorney thing fails, but still, you're always evolving.

You go back and forth. I do attorney work for 15 years. I'm like, fuck it. I'm going into security. And guess what? I got the resume. Not hand to hand. I'm not security, but just looking around buildings, putting cameras up.

Yeah, putting security systems in for people. There's a plan. They're always going to plan, Lee. If I could do it. And I would have loved to be planned. college basketball. But do you think it's like, I don't know, ironic or I don't know how you describe it, that like, you're probably describing 60% of the people who listen to this podcast,

70%? Like, they grew up that way and they all listened to your stories. And I'm like, that sounds way more fun. Yeah, but to me, that sounds way more fun. I had a good time doing drugs and jumping up and down and mugging people. But fucking walking the class, meeting girls. having that college experience, Jesus Christ, you can't replace that.

You can't put a price on that. Well, now these kids are like half of facts. They go to college. They rat on each other. Everybody's woke up. You're a fucking idiot. You hate the Jews. But when people went to college,

they went to college to get a chlamydia and, you know, a degree in six years. You can always talk to your parents for two more years because of some reason. Six years. Yeah, who gives a fuck? Go to Arizona party. that's that's that's that's it

I've got no idea we learned to be away from home come home for the holidays but at the same time I would have I would have loved to go to North Carolina just out of respect that's pretty cool out of respect

you know there's just some schools that you think about you look at and go fuck if I'm going to do it all over again I'd go right to that motherfucker and I take the student loans I wouldn't give a fuck. I'd be going to school pimping. Fuck it. Okay, sirrah, sirrah.

The best thing that can happen is you get hit by a bus. You're seen a year before you graduate. And everything is null and void. That's a fucked up thing to think about. And all I could think about it is, I think his parents would have to pay. I think of how bad the other option is. Now you've got to get out of college. And every month you've got a bill for $80,000.

And you've got to pay it off making $62.5 a year. I'd rather be... I'd rather be dead. Let's start this fucking thing. What's happened, you're savages. It's Tuesday, the 17th of September. The check-in is brought to you by,

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Welcome back to show. I got fucked up this Saturday, dog. What happened? Ooh, I got up early. I did some shit around the house. I went to the gym and then my daughter had a double header. Fucking beautiful day. It was the perfect Lord's day.

The sun was out, not a cloud in the sky. Now it was warm, but it wasn't hot. Look at me. I'm still red from the other day. And then I came home. And in the meantime, I go, it's 3.30. I'm going to go to my friend's son's football game. Why don't I ate a couple mushrooms?

So I ate the last eight of the L'A. I got from Funk Factory forms. Who hasn't had that thought? So I'm sitting at the game. Everything's beautiful. I got a nice tea. I got a cold ward. I ain't bothering nobody. I'm just looking.

I'm enthused. I'm just sitting there relaxing. Listen to parents, yelling, and stuff. And all of a sudden, some fucking lady sits behind me. Like, the whole thing is open. I'm trying to hide them to somebody else's umbrella because I'm already I'm already well done and this lady's I don't know this lady she says right behind me puts her knee in my back what like she puts her knee in my back I can't even sit back and I felt like telling the lady move the fuck down but the mushrooms are starting to kick in I didn't want no problems with nobody you know I'm like yoko on them I want peace right so the mushrooms are starting to hit me like I'm feeling giggly and I'm feeling good and they're overwhelming at one point

And this lady blew like some fucking veggie pizza fart. Listen to me. Like one of those veggie cheese fart, you could smell the cheese. And she had onions on. She had like an onion bagel on her breath of boot. Do you feel it hit your back? I could feel it. The sun was multiplying that.

I thought I was in a baker's fucking room. She smelled like people. And then her ass smelled like fucking veggie pizza. And I'm like, I can't take this no more. So I just got my claw, came home. You know me, I ain't got to tolerate it. And the fart was outside. I could smell it for like four minutes.

And it was messing up with my mushroom experience and shit like that. So I said, let me fucking go home. I can't take it because I came home. I don't blame you. Sat around. And then I started tripping heavy. It was like 5.30 in the afternoon. And I'm seeing shit.

I'm seeing something out of the corner of my eye. The carpet's changing colors. I'm like, fuck. I'm baked. I got so high, I had to run upstairs and hide into the blanket for like a half hour. I couldn't fall asleep. I was so high. I was having trips and trips.

And then I just wanted to shower, washed my pussy. I came out. I made a protein shake, and I was tip-top of goo. But I went to a barbecue. I had some steak, a couple pieces of steak, a piece of shrimp. And then I had to go to my friend's party. And it was at a restaurant. I was just going to go into to say hello

I wasn't going to hang I wasn't going to do dick and remember I told you I can't eat shit at night like I'm done I'm done you're very light now like maybe a little Italian ice and like no real heavy foods

but like I can't do what we used to do there's no way there's no way and I've been telling you this I've had a problem with meat consumption for 15 years now at night Everything is hit and miss. What I used to like a lot, I don't even think I eat no more.

I told you, I had a salami sandwich beyond that. I was like, it was better if I would have just taken three pieces of salami. Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah. No cheese, no bread. So I'm sitting at the bar and he brings over the owner, a fucking great guy, brings over these short rib pillows made in pasta little things with a cream sauce.

I got a picture. I was going to send you. You're right, that's fine. You're fucking head. That sounds exactly like what I want. All is fucking unbelievable. There's two places that have these. That place and another place.

The other place, the chef lives around my corner from my house. And I tell him a jihitsu chef. Now I almost called you. He's like, dog, whatever you want, I'll swing by the house. Because he lives right around the court. I mean, right around the court. He's like, you let me know when you're hungry. I'll drop it off at the house.

I'm like, oh, fuck. That's dangerous. Yeah, he makes the short rib on the yokey. Remember I told you? You did tell me that. I love. Short rib and a cream sauce is fucking out. Now that you hear, you come down on the Saturday.

You sleep over in the garage or whatever you want to sleep. And you fucking, I'll have him drop off on the way for the honeymoon. You'll go fucking, I'm telling you, man. Char, that's, I love Chef Phil, that motherfucker. And the, though, he always asked me, you want me to bring some over? I'm like, come on, because I know, I know I'll beat 300 pounds between no time. But I ate in the other night and Lee, it went right. And it was 8.45, Papa.

I was sober as a judge. I probably had three bong hits in me. Nothing to brag about it. I had that little pasta pillow, whatever, with the meat, and it just went right. through me it wasn't the meat it wasn't that place the food was out of this world the flavor was great it was just a short rib fucking had so much it was so rich you just went right through me had to pull over puke his shit but you know what everybody learned something did he almost puke in the car like it was that quick on the way home yeah yeah because you got those turns

yeah those turns look at you that second long turn that took the fucking that was it but papa I saw double and then the car in front of me stopped for a yellow. I would have got out of the car and blew the car up but I would have cute like, so I just sat there

with that little sour taste in your throat and when the light taste turned green I just started revving that engine. This motherfucker knew don't even stop for a fucking bird because I'll run you off the road and the next little turnoff I turned off and just started barking.

No, that's, dude, it's like, the first time I came to Vizu with Simone. We did fucking everything. And I hadn't done it for, I don't know, a year and a half since I'd seen you. And Steve brought that pizza. It was the night

I offered the front desk lady some pizza. But Steve drove me home that night. And he was doing those fucking curves on the way home from your house to the hotel. Those curves when you're fucked up and you're driving. Brutal. Oh.

Deskens on your stomach. There's twice I've gotten. In four years, I've gotten sick on those terms with no alcohol or no drugs, no, nothing in my system. I've gotten fucking sick. One time I went to visit Frankie Edgar, I fell asleep. I got so sick down there. Another time was about a year and a half ago at night. But that's why I don't go on that road at night no more.

That's 15. Do you go fast? Does it make it worse or better if you're fast? I don't know. Because to me, when it's fast, it's like, Jesus Christ, this is, like, I feel like I'm being thrown around the car. I hate that drive coming back from your house. It's fucking terrifying.

Getting on, if you're in New Jersey, getting on the fucking nine, is terrifying at night, especially on some, I'll hear you said, boom past you. Oh, they're going to kill you. I almost, I didn't even tell you guys, last week. I had the most fucked up thing happened.

When I asked you if you peeped in the car, it was because I had something similar happen, but I went to eat. I don't even remember where I went. Oh, you pooped in the car. Dude, I shit in my pants. I didn't tell people on the podcast, though. My mom was in the, so we were

coming home from dinner, and I got in the car. Asked the whole way home is shit. No, it wasn't. I did it. I did it fucking 20 seconds from their house. I hit the last light. The last light turned, because you had a joke about that.

I had the last light when turned red and I laughed at something because I was remembering, like something of someone shitting in a car. It was like a YouTube video. I saw someone getting shit. And I've never, I have like,

I always like have a risk of like a skid mark or something like that. But I haven't full on shit my pants in over two decades, I think. It was just. But the. skid marks disturbs me you know what I'm saying that called rotten ass you have skid marks I'm not saying it's an everyday thing yes you do you never have a skid mark not since I'm a fucking kid I'm not okay well every once in a while you don't think so you got a skid mark

every once in a while you fucking don't wipe good enough but your ass gets spicy in about two hours oh there's a difference if it's spicy if it's spicy you can feel but like every once in a while I don't know, like it gets up there by accident. And like, yeah, but it's not full on shit. But this was full on. Like, I had to throw everything I was wearing away. I had to, I had to, I had to fucking. But you, you ate that Billy goat food again.

It wasn't Billy goat. It was good food. No, it was Greek food. That's what it was. Yeah, really go food. And, like, you like Greek food. You like gyros. I like gyros.

That's what I had. Yeah, you probably had a lizard gyro as usual. It picked a wrong fucking place. I did go to the wrong place. I know you did. That's why you shit your fucking pants. You probably yelped it or something. No, I've been trying to go there for years.

I've been trying to go there for years. Well, you got your fucking surprise. Any place you want to go, don't go. Because it's always lizard meat. It's not always lizard meat. 10 out of nine. 10 out of nine times. You'll be attracted to something that's got lizard meat,

the chef's missing an eye. the doctor's missing a tooth. You just have that type of, you know, you didn't look up this doctor and see. I did look him up. He had every tooth in his picture. He fucking catfish me. I'm not paying you because it's just false advertising.

I'm scared of people with missing teeth. I had a grandfather who went to the war and he had a missing teeth and had to go to therapy for 18 years. And that's how you pick up the quick two Gs, three Gs. But you went to a guy with no fucking teeth. You just have the tendencies to pick bad food. I think I pick pretty good food. I mean, for you, everything you say,

everything that you don't like that you say I like is good. Hummus is good. Carnia satiris is good. Good when you're six. No, they didn't have that in Massachusetts. I don't eat it anymore. But are you telling me, I get it if it was here. No, I never had a fucking,

just because somebody put it on the table. eating half this shit not even half this shit you're boston representing we don't need corny to flies you're east coast representing how many times must i tell you that now you're in the fucking east coast so there's so many mexican places by my place i'm gonna hit i'm gonna have people hit you in the head with a brick if i see the wrong shit up there wrong place you're gonna get a brick that's all you're gonna hear because it's now if you can't do that in new york you probably get that halal meat and fucking get a rash and you know I got to get that.

I'm a rash. Don't say that. Yeah, you're going to get another rat. New York is the home of rashes. If you're going to get a rash, it's in New York. I got a rash. I did see a rat today. Not a rat, a rash.

No, oh, I know, but I think they bring rashes. Where was the rat? On my walk back, I took like a little walk to the store after work. And it was just in the, like, there was a old couch that was on the side of the street. And I just, it was big. It wasn't the, I saw it come out of the, trash cans at Washington Square Park. I hadn't seen them at all.

And then, like, the last two times I've been out, I've seen rats. Like, that's the one part that's like, yeah, that's kind of gross. Think about it. New York City got fucking rats walking the street. How crazy is that? And listen, there's all

rats in New York City, but not the way you see the pictures of them now. But listen, I don't give a fuck about the rats in New York City. something I got to talk to you about. Okay. I think the most disturbing thing that I read last week, I didn't even know about it until like Friday. It must have happened like Tuesday or something. I didn't know anything. And I was somewhere and I was reading something on my phone. Then I came home and read into it. The singer from the footh fighters had a kid outside his marriage.

I did see that. And he is getting, you know, listen. that's a weird one for me. It's so weird how you always like go, yeah, when I fucking do this, I'm going to get two bitches and have two families and shit. And you're like, I can't deal with these what I got. Another set of women and kids. It's just a bad mistake. And then you grow up and you're like, that's the creepiest thing ever.

But this is because, dog, I used to see them all the time. I thought about that when this came out. I used to see him all the fucking time. Like, you know, listen, if you want me to tell you, I'm a huge Nirvana fan, I like their music, but I was never a big fan. And the food fighters I liked later on. I started liking them like in 2003, whatever.

That one album, I think, is fantastic. But then I moved to the valley, and I started going to, what was that Mexican place? I used to go to Cold Water and Ventura. Cactus? Huh? No, that's not cactus? No.

A cold ornament tour. Was big peeps, big Tonys. Remember that place that used to eat with fruit with the cup, the cup of fruit with the cream on it? You never went there? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I did once or twice. That's the first place. They said he's here all the time eating.

But he was up there and people would bang on the glass. He would just walk in there by himself and eat. And then I was with Eddie Bravo and you, and we were at the mall, the mall up the corner from there. And Eddie Bravo looks at us, he's talking. He goes, last time I was here, I saw Dave Groh getting chased by TMZ. Eddie Bravo didn't finish saying that.

And what do you see? Dave Groh and his daughter running. And he's telling some guy to go fuck himself. And then he was hiding in the store. And we walked to that store like an hour later, and there was David Groh with his kid. And I'd go, hey, the paparazzi's gun. He's like, fuck that dude and all this shit. the first time I haven't I don't talk to them

but there was a lot of people I was involved with in the valley that were involved in him like this training my trainer trained in flashed a chick I used to lift weights with that's how I was doing Susie slash don't sorry about that these edible dehydrate okay and then I would just see him and then I heard that he would cook all the night and do those barbecues and I think he came to one of Dean Delray's things one time

And he was very nice. You know, so I never expect. He's always with his daughter. He's always with his family. So I didn't see this in him. You know, not at all. Like, he's the last guy, I think about doing something like that. But listen, I was wrong.

So fucking weird. People hating. Some people are like, fuck them, you know. I just thought it was, this wouldn't even be a discussion in the 80s, you know. Right. And now he knows your business. weird like now everybody knows your business and he made it he

I think did he have to make that statement or it just came out because he didn't want it coming out another way well I don't know how it went down Lee I don't know exactly how the fuck maybe your conscience maybe do you hear from from like your single comedian friends

like are they nervous when they go on the road of like they hook up with a girl unless she gets pregnant like or like you know that I could take two seconds and now you have a kid. Last time you had sex. Were you thinking of when she gets pregnant? I kind of, yeah, I wore a condom.

Yeah, but listen, it's like if you're doing cocaine at 4 in the morning and one of your friends wants to say, hey, you got to test that. That's what the scary thing about cocaine is. You'll test the 8 o'clock stuff and the 10 of the stuff, but then you'll call your dealer at 2 and he's out.

So now you've got to go somewhere else. And by that time you're Jones and by the time you get it, you're just going to do it without testing. Same thing. I mean, how many girls have you been with that? You're like, you know, I'm going to wear a condom a couple times. And after the second time, you just go butt fuck one night and there you have it. And now you got to come home, you know, whatever.

And listen, when I was up to the age of 30 fucking seven, I did what I wanted. Okay? First off, I was doing the amount of drugs, but I didn't think I couldn't pregnant anybody. I didn't think there was any sperm left in my fucking little ball sack. I thought I was just going to have that one when I was 26, and that was it.

I was never going to be lucky again. So sling it till you got it. You know what I'm saying? If she gets pregnant, you'll know in 32 days, whatever the fuck, you'll get the call that she's missing or whatever. And I never had that problem. you know knock on word

I know that problem nobody ever called me and said this or I got a disease or you got a disease or anything when you tend to become a comic

and you're a young comic or any type of comic when you go out there in the road first as a feature and somebody's paying you and giving your hotel room listen you'll take on

whatever they're given you'll take on whatever they're given you know and there's a lot of weird stuff on the road but some chick in Tennessee

is not going to impregnate you when you're a feature. check making $500 a week. Right, no, it's going to be when you're deep broke. Yeah, it's not going to, they're not going to get pregnant when you're making $500 a week. And listen,

things happen on the road, but you've got to live your life and you've got to say to yourself, we're all weak at one point. We all get weak. I don't care how much you go to church. I don't care how strong you are. You're having a bad day. Some chicks puts that muffler in your face.

You've got a wife at home. You're going to do something stupid. And then you got a problem because now you can either do two things stupid or you can end with that, learn your lesson, and move on with your life. Right. You would hope so. I don't know if he had a relationship with

this check. I don't know if it was a one-night stand. I don't know if they went on the road together. I don't know. I didn't look into it that much. I got shit going up. Don't think it would suck for like that kid though. They're always going to be known as that in a weird way.

I have a dear, dear friend. Dear, dear friend. I grew up with this person since I was 10. She's a year older than me. Okay. Great family. Great home. Great everything.

Smart. Beautiful. She made a ton of dough on her own. She had two kids. with a guy that was married. And, you know, I don't know how it went down, maybe one kid or two kids, and they never met their dad.

They never knew who he was. They never, that was the deal they made. It's crazy. That's just more of, like, me not, like, you know, thinking I'm going to get mugged. It's like, I just don't think people, like, little high, they had not one but two kids. Listen, man, different strokes with different folks.

but you know what will maybe she's a woman that doesn't want to she just want her kids and I don't need this shit I make enough money on my own I can take care of myself I don't know right I never asked but

it's not right to judge yeah no no it's it's not you not that you judge we all have an idea what happened and sometimes we want to inquiring hearts want to know I thought it was tough enough on them without me asking.

And I've known them. I'm 61. I know them since on 10 or 11, 12. I can't imagine it. I couldn't. I don't have the stomach for that shit. I don't mind going out doing a comedy show one night by mistake. You're high, you eating edibles, you see some fucking chicks.

I mean, were you with me in Oregon that night when the chick said that she was, we were in the circle of helium and we were outside smoking dope? after the show. I didn't go to healing, but I think I remember this happening. Girl goes,

I've been given head since I was 13, and the whole, all of us just stopped and everybody had to go home. I do remember that. It was the weirdest fucking thing. It was the weird thing, you know. That's a scene from a TV show or a movie,

just someone saying that they don't walk away. Usually, if a girl goes, I've been giving head since I'm 13, everybody would go, all right, let's do this. Everybody looked at them and said, we don't think so. Bye. I remember getting in the car afterwards. What the fuck was that?

Why would that girl just say that? You know? And did she say anything as you were all leaving? And I just love the image of like, you guys not even saying a word, but just to be a little like, walking away from it. There was like,

it was like 13 of us getting high. A couple of them of the guys, girlfriends, you know? Yeah, as we got away, She goes, I wasn't 12. I was 10. Yeah, no, she didn't say shit. You know what I'm saying?

She didn't say anything like that. That's great. You know, everybody keeps thinking about fucking the biggest lie that was sold to us was COVID four years ago. Right. I think the guy we bought into the last 20 years that the Cowboys are the America's fucking team. Yesterday was a fucking disaster. I was at a friend's house. He made lasagna.

And he had that one winner has all the games coming up. did people get beat up last night? People got. Houston was given six and a half. They ended up winning by six. I mean, it was a day of beatings yesterday. Kansas City. Fucking Dallas didn't win.

Baltimore lost outright and was given eight points to fucking whatever. I mean, everybody got a beating yesterday. Tours got a neck brace on. He ain't playing. a few weeks. That's terrifying. That poor bastard. You know, it was just a bad week in football. But talking about football, let me talk to you about draft kings for a minute. We'll be right back, tip-top, Magoo. What's happened, beautiful people? I want to talk to you about draft king's sportsbook. You want to put a dip in the waters of the betting world, but don't know where to start.

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Boyd in New Hampshire, Oregon and Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.com slash FT Ball. NFL Plus premium offer available only to new and former NFL plus subscribers. Additional NFL plus premium terms at NFL.com slash terms. We're back, bitches. I just wanted to, you called me on Saturday and had a tip for the UFC

and I followed it and I fucking won. So thank you. Who do you think you're dealing with? Joy Bananas? I saw that. I didn't even see the fight. I saw me neither. I didn't need to see it.

I saw that coming a mile away. A mile away. I saw some M.A. show and all five guys. Jail, this guy. All of them went with sugar, Shane. And then fucking, I went on Draft Kings, and I tried to just bet around, and they kept putting a parlay, including sugar.

Why would you do that? It was over and over. Every time I pressed that button, it was over. I had a parlay that night, like one of those parlays that Draft Kings had. Oh, yeah, nice. You won, like 82. And I put 50 on the fight, which I met.

That's usually I bet 25, I'm more than 50. I got greedy I was like When they won I was scared for a minute I'm like I'm gonna lose $50 Going into Sunday Nah

I didn't even Was I awake? Yes I was awake Because I saw it I didn't watch the fight It came up on Twitter Yeah I fucking knew it

I fucking knew it If Alexa Grasso Would have upset Valentina Then I would have bet Sugar Oh really you would be Did you wait until the act

I always do With the fight There's no reason to put your card in at 7 o'clock Look at how the fights are going If there's an early upset You're fucking done Because I know you're an idiot Not you Lee

I know you're an idiot And you're fucking including in the parlay But that is me That is what I do Oh you know anyway I'm not talking about you But that's what happens So now you're fucked

That's why I like when I'm at the fights I bet the fights as they come up. Because I'm looking at the fight earlier. There's going to be an upset. Who it's going to be? You never know. But if they get one out of the way, now you know the favorite's going to win in the other one.

I believe in that stuff too. Like people are due or whatever. But that doesn't really exist, does it? Or do you really think, like, do you really believe in it? Because I do as a gambler? I don't believe in superstitions or believe in when I see lines fucking around. No, like superstitions are like if this is, if that was an early upset, that means the next one's going to be. Because like, there are two different things.

It shouldn't matter. But like I think that way too. Everything is everything. It's all tied in together. You just don't see it. How many times have you seen the easiest pick on the prelim card? The easiest pick is on the prelim card, but you're there banging your head. who's going to make these two knuckleheads because you're an idiot you're a fucking idiot you take you know

i've lost enough to know that you're wasting your time with something i don't like parley's i like straight shit if i feel good i'm better fucking parley but i'll usually i'm lucky listen i'm lucky i can pick one what makes you think i could pick 13 of them that's luck because you're not going to do it again the following week you know you're not in the following week and it's a great luck It's great to have a feather in your pocket or whatever. A rabbit's foot in your fucking pocket one in your nutsack. It's always good for you. You know what I'm saying?

I guess. And this shit that happened yesterday, I mean, I'm not a political guy. But it's just going overboard right now. They tried to shoot this guy twice now. I don't know if it's making them stronger. I don't know if it's making them weaker. I don't even. it's so fucked up

Lee it is so fucked up listen it's scary as the president nominee at least you got to be a president before they shoot you this motherfucker is not even the president and they're already gunning at them you know what about just as a person like knowing who gets shot at twice

like not many people get shot at twice like that's fucked up like they hate him so much and I don't feel the other way about him but like to hate they just hate I don't think it's going to stop. It's not going to Put Americans in check.

You know, it's going to put American, like right now, that's the anger you're seeing. All these things rolled up. All these things, part of it is that fucking anger. Right. And can you blame Americans for being angry? We just found out

that that fucking COVID shot is making us die. Everything was a scam. We'll find out Fauci was a fucking scam. You can't. Credit card debt is unbelievable. The interest rates are unbelievable. There's no place to fucking move.

Play tickets are unbelievable. Forget fucking Disneyland and your goddamn kids. Because that's a different dimension. So people are angry. And that's why we crack fucked up jokes. And, you know, that's why you got to take people off that game. It's like you would not want to laugh. Yeah, oh yeah, a ton of times.

Like, I love making somebody laugh when they're not supposed to. laugh. Like when they have a death of the family and I hit them with the will or something like that, I love doing that to people because they're not supposed to laugh. So it makes you hard. Do you worry that they're not going to laugh? Never. Never, because my job is to take them out of their fucking head the way I smoke

weed. If you don't smoke weed, then you're not, I smoke weed to get taken out of my head so I don't have to realize that the president got shot at the nominee. has got shot it twice. I have to realize that the price of everything is fucking high and that the family of four is a fucking dinosaur in this country. You know, it's a dinosaur.

It's a fucking dinosaur. People can't survive with two kids and Little League and cleats and schools and fucking trips and books. So I'm just happy, man, that I pick something I love that it pays my bills later on. life. I'm not stressing because all this stress is what takes you down at this age.

The stress I got. Excuse me, brother. Money stresses. Money, money. Everyone says that like it kills marriages and like you. Like money is it terrible. It's, and that's what's come. You know, like I said, I keep my eye on that credit card debt.

When that bubble is going to bust. You know, and that's not good. All these mortgages. and these high-prone homes on houses and a young American can't buy a home anymore. And if they buy a home, they're going to get raped, you know, and some fucking... So it's just, I understand.

I really, really under-fucking stand. And when I look at this type of shit, I go, yeah. People blowing it. Did you see the guy that tried to shoot him? No, I didn't see what he looked like. Oh, my Twitter today. That poor bastard. It seems like people are snapping.

is like, like, I just think that, like, they described, like, who would try to shoot the president? Like, who, like, I, but I think people are just snapping. And just they have enough of it to a certain point. And then they go crazy. Well, thank God we're not in this position, brother. No, fuck, no. Do you, do you ever talk about it with mercy?

Like, being good and not getting into debt? Like, is that something you talk about with her? No, she's 11 years old. I know, but they need to know. I mean, And they're 14. In about two years, I set her up with an ATM card already. Right.

All that stuff. I'm really sad that they don't have the books so they can deposit money and see where their money is going and have a Christmas club. Like all the things I had growing up to put away money for the end of the year. But I'm going to talk to her a lot about that. And, you know, I mean, listen, right now she's involved in the softball and her friends and just trying to focus. on being a young lady, what's credit card debt going to mean there's nothing in the world? Well, not like a full-on thing,

but like just, I see I don't have kids. I'm not saying you're wrong. I just, that was something that my parents did and knock on, well, like, I've gotten low, but I've never gone into like thousands of dollars. I've gotten very lucky. And that's it. That would kill me.

The worst thing is going to college and they give you a card. Like, not even your parents, they just give you one in the old days. Citibank right there as you registered. And they'd give you a coupon for 50 cash for fucking doing the application. All of them. Discover, all of them.

That was my mistake. And I knew about debt, but you never see yourself, I don't know. Credit card debt is something that is fucking horrible. It's a loan shark. I don't care what the interest rate is. Because if you get too deep

in it, you're just paying a fucking thing. and you're never going to see daylight. And credit cards, at the end of the day, in this world, they're for emergencies. Right. To go to a supermarket, they're pushing you to use your credit card. There's some places who don't take cash now.

No. So it's kind of like, what the fuck are you trying to do here, you know? I still love cash. There's things I go to the ATM and take cash out for just because I like that. But, I don't know what we're going, but you know what? I'm just going to keep laughing. I'm going to keep trying to raise my daughter.

I'm going to keep getting high and eat my little mushrooms, edible. I'm going to give the mushrooms a break for about two weeks now because I want to build up my tolerance again. So when I see you, we go off the fucking charts. Holy shit. Even Josh said, we've got to promote you from this two grams of mushrooms. You're ready for the next level. Jesus Christ.

In Winnipeg, he's taking you to places you can ever. I can't wait September 26 to the 28th. For four years, you've been dicking around? I've not been digging around. Two grams. That was what you took at the game. I took the same amount. No, you don't.

We're going to fuck. What do you mean I don't? He has a scale. You're eating by palm. And that's how we're going to start eating it by palm. No, I can't eat. No, we're not eating mushrooms by palm. I'll tell you.

I'll tell you that two grams. I'll tell you whatever they want me to tell you. I don't know what it looks like. What to tell you, they'll tell you. I tell them it's two grams, and there's seven on there. So let it go. Take the stick out of your ass. You've been on your own for 40 years.

But guess what? Pop is back. We're breaking this mother. By the end of the month, you'll be eating 800 milligrams again. And by December 31st, we'll be doing 2,200 milligrams of molecular, whatever. By that time, there'll be a different synthesis. Do they take Massachusetts insurance in New York? Listen, don't worry about insurance.

You don't need insurance. I'm worried about it. What are you talking about eating mushrooms by palm? I got that mushroom therapy place for you for six to give you 50 grand to go to rehab. You go down there. You always say that. I've never seen any money from the, you always say 50 grand, 50 grand. I'm in.

Can't just go where? When don't I want to go to therapy for, you keep saying rehab 50 grand. Yeah, I'll do that right now. Based off your insurance, does your insurance cover rehab? Probably not. Well, then what are you talking about? Then what do you want me to do for you? Who covers rehab?

I better not cover rehab. Maybe, I don't know. Maybe it does. Yeah, you got to look at the fine print. I never thought, I don't, I never, what am I going to rehab for? The mushroom. For the mushrooms, for the fucking edibles we're about to take.

We're going deep. 50 grand. That might be right there with you down in Ocala, Florida for six weeks, smoking cigarettes. I don't want to go to Ocala, if I just moved here. I don't want to go to rehab for six weeks. No one needs to do 800 milligram.

That's the 50 Gs. You want 50. You got to go with Calip for six weeks. I think it needs more than 50. It's like Captain D's comedy room or something. You'll be doing comedy down there. You'll come back like the $6 million man. I don't think they'll have to have comedy at Captain D's comedy.

This rehab isn't on the up and up. It's special for you because your family. You go down there. So is it someone's house? No. It's somebody's, fucking, rent a fucking beautiful

property. They bring girls in for you. If you need a little sucky, suckies, some Spanish girls off a boat that don't know where they are. They told them they're going to California and they take them the old cow. You know what I'm saying?

You could eat some edibles with them. The fuck. I mean, I mean, we have four edibles and now we're eating apples with the girls from because it don't matter. Listen, why you question life all the time?

That's what you mean? That's something you need to question. I don't want what... I'm giving you 50 Gs to go to O'Callum for six weeks. That's all you need to know. You're in or you're not? You can do comedy... Send me more information. What am I going to show up to? I don't need to send you information. You tell me... There's so many rehabs.

No, no, no. You tell me when you want to go. Look at the book, the dates. I'll call them tomorrow. They'll come up and get you. They'll put you on a nice plane. They'll give you lollipops. You know, the whole thing. And then you're in Oklahoma for six weeks. They give you $50, 25, 25 after the day. three and they'll give you another 25 when you complete the program.

I'll definitely just leave after three weeks in. No, you got to stay for the six or not you embarrass me. No, they don't. They give me 50%. I'm going to leave him. You're down there representing me. You can't leave after three weeks. Because I'm getting the small five from that 50.

You don't think that. Why do you get five? You're just dozing me until I have to go to rehab to make five grand. I work for free now. The sudden I'm getting into you in the rehab. I know groceries are I don't know you need a five grand out to dose me You will I got some strong shit for you now

I got these banana Banana Sunday Mushroom bars Oh yeah You might eat anything at your house Yeah you don't say You got to be comedy this weekend Fucko

This weekend on Friday I'll be in Queens I'll let you know more later I'm just, and now I, like, I reached out to a couple of our friends. Oh, well, good. But tomorrow they wake up. They're not going to be able to. I did it earlier. I talked to her already.

For who? The Shiba. And where she was she to speak easy. That's great. She offered me tonight at eight, but. You in Queens? No, I, I'm going to be in Queens on Friday at a, at a barbershop. Sheba is from eight to ten.

You could still make it. No, she wanted me to do the first spot. Oh, okay. Are you fucked up again? I'll do it soon. Oh, what do you mean I fucked up? We have the podcast. We could have done this at 7.15.

Don't be fun. We did it at 7 and then sort of 8. I'm not mad about it at all. I'm going to go to an open mic tonight. I'm so, like, this is my like start of doing comedy in New York. I'm really excited. I'm excited for you. I'm very excited for you.

I'm very excited for you to get a schedule. I'm very excited that you didn't fucking go to Apollo would stand out there like a fucking move to law. I thought that would have been fun. No, that wouldn't have been fun. That's where you get hit with a brick. I want to perform at the Apollo. Yeah, yeah, good.

I want to perform at the White House, too. Don't worry about it. I want to perform at the Apollo. Yeah, I want to perform at the White House too. You know what I'm saying? During one of those conference dinners and watch them all walk the fucking room. Except for the piano. You know what I'm saying?

The piano players, like, yeah, you walk these fucking white cock suckers. I would love to see you do that. But no, it's going to be fun. And yeah, and then I'm doing, like you said, Winnipeg with Josh Wolf, this 26 to the 28th at Rumors. I'm going by a Wednesday night. I hope you come.

Danny Brad, we're getting a bunch of us. Where are you going? To the dojo Wednesday night. Fuck, yeah, I'll go. So this comes out Tuesday. Tomorrow we'll be at the dojo Wednesday night. Wednesday night, 8 o'clock for the best of the dojo smoking dope.

Having a good time with the boys. Let me see if I could. talk rich voss that would be fun yeah I gotta go work out this material so I get this ball going so I'm very excited about that you know I'm excited about a lot of things

awesome it's cool like that's what you were saying earlier about like you know you think after 30 years of being a lawyer you might hate it and I'm sure there's after 30 years there's some stuff about stand-up you don't like but I think overall you still fucking loves just stand-up I think you loves I love the excitement and I had to

keep it into my life and what I came to a realization between last week and this week, I really came into a realization that, listen, and I try to be honest with everybody. And I've said this for years. If I did my job for the week, especially now, I got shit to do with the kid, I always felt if I do my job for the week on Friday night,

I'm pretty fucking tired. I'm pretty fucking tired. You know, I went to Jiu-Jitsu today, guys. I didn't do anything Saturday and Sunday except walk. And I went to Jiu-T, and I got eight hours of sleep last night, and Saturday was okay. But today I was tired all day. And I still trained. I had to do this.

I had to meet with some guy on Zoom. You know, Friday nights I'm tired. I don't want to perform for anybody no more on a Friday night because I can't give you a and then Saturdays. I'm so busy with them. I'm so busy here on Saturdays. This is not going to happen. And I don't feel like being in a hotel room on a Saturday morning anymore.

Not for me. I'm not going to call my wife and say, how are you doing? And she's in a park with 10 years around that jumping up and down. And I'm in a hotel waiting six hours to do a show on a Saturday night. That's not going to work anymore. So my comedy schedule is going to be Wednesday and Thursdays. And if I go to Austin, it's Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.

That's my new comedy life. I have always preferred Wednesdays and Thursdays. anyway. I hate fucking doing comedy on the weekends. I'd rather the show start at 8 o'clock. You do a two-man show and you get them out of that fucking 8, 9.45. They laughed their ass off. They got a little high. They drank. They got an appetizing.

They go to sleep. And then, too. Yeah, I'm too busy on the weekend. And I don't want to add that to my weekend. I don't blame, but I was going to say also like Tuesdays. Like that was the night at the store. Wasn't it? I like all those three nights. I'd rather be out But Tuesdays I play Batchie.

Okay. So like Wednesday, two shows a week? I would either do two on Wednesday if I went somewhere else and come back Thursday or do a residency on Wednesdays and do a different residency twice a week on Thursdays, twice a month on Thursday. So I would be responsible for six shows a month. Nice. And everybody's happy.

You always start off low. than like always always I'm not you got to get into shape for all this shit what do you think I'm gonna go on stage and do 45 minutes I wouldn't want nobody to same me because I got to work up to that and I know this and yeah in my month I might be putting too much strain on this but I still I know when I'll be ready and that's it but for me to be really honest with myself we don't know how many weekends I sit here and go fuck I should have done this I couldn't I couldn't I I don't have the desire to.

I don't just have it anymore, but I don't want. Look tonight, I'm not doing anything. I do this, and then she's upstairs doing homework. I watch Monday night football, maybe take a ride. Not much. So Tuesdays, I have Bachi. Wednesdays, I love going to Jiu-Tzu Wednesday night if I can, because you kill two birds with one stone.

It's a core class and a Nogue class. And I'm out of there at quarter of eight. But I never go ahead. night. I always tell myself I'm going to go at night. I did go once at night last month. And it was fun. Then Saturdays I like come on a jit-to because, again, it's a core and a Nogi class

afterwards. And you get two classes in and you fucking sweat your ass off. Now I'll have to do dick on Sunday, but I'll still be something on Monday. And now I have nothing to do on Monday. So my schedule, my world is very complicated.

But you like your life now, you just want to figure how you can add stand up to it yeah part time stand up is not full time in my world anymore can't be there's no there's no there's no space for it there's no there's no room for it i'm really sorry i'd rather rock your world wednesday at eight seven 30 show somewhere get you out of there by nine with a few drinks in you a shrimp cocktail and everybody's fucking happy that's not bad at all i think people would want to go out. People always want to go out.

People always want to. By Wednesday, you stayed in Monday to watch Monday night football Tuesday. You had to go to your mother-in-law's fucking Ziti or whatever the fuck you're eating these days. Wednesday, you're like, I got to get the fuck out of here. But you don't want to stay out until two.

I don't ever want to have people out late. Even in the ice house, I'm New Year's. 7 o'clock show, 8.30, you're out of that. I'm throwing you out. Go for a party. Go eat your wife's ass somewhere. But I have no desire to keep you in here till 12. Bring it 10, 9, 8, when I'm a motherfucking Dick Clark.

I'm in no day. You'll count down. I don't even want to wake up. I don't want to be up for the countdown. I'll do a countdown. We'll get 8.30. Everybody will jump up and down. We'll blow those bottles.

We'll get some Chinese people there with some fireworks. But you're not going to see me out that late doing two shows. I don't want to do two shows then. Like, I would be crazy if I signed up for a world tour right now And added two shows on Friday and Saturday. I'm never going to be in shape for it. You got to work yourself up to that shit. I'm not a young fucking savage anymore.

Right. But I went back then, like 10 years ago, when you did the Ice House on whenever it was, I remember that was part of like your sales pitch for the show. Always. You'll be home early. Yeah, I'm not going to pull a Dave Chappelle and keep you there four hours by trying to be interesting. I'll do 45, Leal do 20 on the drums and ping, pang, pooh, everybody goes over.

I want to sit. Yeah, that's it. That's it. Wednesday, Thursday, Uncle Joey night. Everything else is background music. I like to do a local, if there was a bar around here, like 10 minutes away, that did like an open mic on. Sunday maybe. I might shoot down there.

A little open mic on Sunday, they're not bad either. You get 30 people on that motherfucker diehards. They love that shit. Just hard down with football. Yes and no. They'll be at the bar, though. They'll be at the bar. But you're not going to do it at 5 in between.

No, you're going to do it after football. But football goes to like 10 now, doesn't it? There's an 820 game on Sunday, but comedy could start at 7.30. yeah i could do that yeah okay that hour in between the game that's not a bad idea Denver is the hardest place to do anything on a Sunday one of the best open mics i went on a Sunday was in Denver to follow a line dancing class so fuck you you follow me and then fuck you gosh so sorry i apologize

i just don't want to be in a strange town on a Sunday doing comedy for 60 for 32 people but don't want to be there. They just want free tickets. And they think they're going to see some magician. And all of some, they come to my show. I do a fucking pussy joke. And they're staring at me. Like, I fucking rock their world.

Like, I took that pigeon. I don't need that shit. So I'd rather get in trouble here. Do comedy on Sunday night here. It's great. Ten minutes away. Somewhere I'm an alipan or something. It's fucking great.

I got some ideas, Lee. I'll fill you in this week. I'm excited. I do. Congratulations. I'm just happy you're doing. stand up. Congratulations.

I'm happy you're here. I'm very proud of you. It's really neat how things worked out from our first conversations. And I told you something's going to happen and shut up. The door opened and you only got one opportunity and you shot it. So if you

had told me some story, I'm going to tell you to go fuck yourself. But you're followed through and because of that, you're going to be a star kid. That's the number one thing. I hope so. is following through. When you're a comic, you've got to have balls. And for a long time, I was sick of living in L.A.

because comics had lost that boss. And even young comics. You know, when are you coming to? You see them on the road. They're fucking animals. When are you coming to L.A.? Well, I got a, I want to get married and I want to put away money. See you.

I'll see you on a ship, right? That's the truth. You ever have those guys? I'm coming to L.A. I just got to put away money and I'm going to get married first. You'll never hear from that dude again. Right.

When your headline... Oh, no, I hear a lot. They'll come to one of your shows. Hey, man, how are you doing? Nah, I got married, and I can only do local work, and you're like, yeah, if you were just moved to L.A. It happened really quick.

It happened over in the span of like two months. That's... But I'm happy about it. That's what. when it happens. I told you one day we're moving back to Jersey and six weeks later we already had a house. That's when it happens. When nobody expects it, when we, nobody had discussed.

I discussed going back to buy a house and moving in September. Nobody said nothing about leaving there in the middle of the fucking night like we did. Nobody. But the opportunity arose and we took it. And we keep pushing straight. So that's the problem with people when they procrastinate. I'm going to save money. I want to get another 20 minutes.

When you go somewhere. I have that fear, yeah. When you go somewhere and you get inspired, you'll get 20 minutes. When you walk into your first comedy at the stand or stand up New York or New York Comedy Club and you see these guys doing what you want to do, you'll see how much you'll start fucking right. But, dude, it's crazy even like the one. way you look at things, because I can't believe I haven't,

like I haven't thought about writing about the stairs yet. I don't look at it like that. Stand-up comedy, you don't lose. You know why? Because if your mother dies, it's good. If she doesn't die,

it's still good. Because you always got material. If you get hit by it, it's good and it's bad. You follow them saying to you? stand up. Yeah, there's always something good. Stand up has no

fucking limitations. That's what's good about it. We just got to make sure that we capture that. You ever go see a comic or a good comic and he tells you something real simple that you see every day you never thought of? Yeah.

It's right. It's me two seconds ago. Everybody wants to write about shit they don't know about. Write about shit you do know about. Which is the trials and stuff. You know, like I told you, I see stairs. I got anxiety.

Have a good week. I'll see you this week in the city. Love you, Wednesday night at the Dojo. Can't wait. Love you guys. Have a good week, gentlemen. Stay black. What's happening, your savages.

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