The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Joey Diaz was mad at Natalie Cuomo for a Year!

Episode Date: April 7, 2026

Find out what she did! Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by comedian Natalie Cuomo to talk about their mental health problems (Lee diagnoses Joey), the best ways to mess with people  and so much more! SHOW NOTES If you're 21 or older, get 40% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code CHURCH at https://inda.shop/CHURCH #indacloudpod

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happening, beautiful people. It's the church of what's happening now, New Testament, whatever the fuck it is. It's a whole new week. It's April the 7th. We got a tremendous beautiful guest, Natalie Cuomo, the Flying Jews here, Lee Syatt,

and we're in for another fun-filled episode of the church. What's up, beautiful people? How are you? I'm good. I'm just trying to keep it together. Yes. That's up with you. I'm doing great.

You look great. Happy to be here. I know. I just thought of you last night. I said, I got to get Natalie on. I saw you. Listen, let's get the story out. Okay.

I met Natalie when I moved here. And I loved her. I'm like, I loved this kid. I gave a weed. She lost the keys one night. That was crazy. She had a fucking drive back to Jersey City.

I had my keys on me the whole time. The scooter. Yeah. Wait. That's when you know the weed is good. When you're like, when you're like, we're smoking.

It was the shit. And his reputation didn't, proceed him. Like, dude, so that's like the lightest thing that's ever happened to someone you've given weed to. Just losing your keys

is like, that's a good night. We were at Uncle Vinnie's. I live in Jersey City. Oh, no. And I was like, I can't find my keys.

But they were in my bag the whole time. I had to get a ride home. That's like when you're really high and you're like, where's my fucking phone? And you're like, I know I had it.

Oh, okay. One time George over there, one of the first times I went to Joey's house. We were there hanging out all night. George left. like 45 minutes later, he just was sneaking around in Joey's backyard,

knocking on windows because he left his phone or his keys. He just walked in, took his phone and left. I don't know why. You should have just left it there. So I haven't seen you, Natalie, and I kept following you. Like, I was really a fan. I wanted to see where you were going to go. Last time I saw you were taping the special.

Mm-hmm. Okay. And you released the special, I watched it. And then, you know, you got lost in the shuffle, but I kept following you and I kept watching your little gigs. And then I got to be honest with you. I was really fucking pissed at you. In fact,

I was so pissed at you. I almost drove to one of your gigs in Pennsylvania and just beat you up. Why? Because I'm amazing that you had no idea even like, you didn't even know about this. You were in trouble.

Why? Why are you pissed at me? For a year. Because, listen, man, my mom was an old school hooker. And she had a bar, okay? And women know. Women fucking know.

Rule number one is if you're rocking and rolling, you're a good-looking woman, don't you ever bring your fucking boyfriend in this bar? I will cut your fucking thing. You're right. No, no, no. It gets worse. I'll show you the levels.

You know me. He's just my niece, but I get jealous. So then you had the boyfriend. I'm like, that's cool. She'll dump them in a week. You know what I'm saying? Because Natalie's a heartbreaker. So she'll dump in a week.

But then it started getting serious. And they started taking pictures of them in Central Park and shit. I'm like, fuck. Then all of a sudden they're engaged. I'm engaged. I'm like, I almost fucking blocked you. I was so mad. And then she went on with the wedding.

And I'm like, okay, she's married woman. She'll calm down. It's good. New tour. Me and dance. You're taking that motherfucker on the road. Now you're done. I looked at a schedule and I'm like, P.A.

Wilkesbury yourself. I'm going to go beat the fuck out of once and for all because she's telling me. It was a mistake. No, it wasn't a mistake. It was never a mistake. Okay. I just think that you were a love and you just put his pictures up, not knowing that when

you do a show, I look at the pictures. It's fucking 80% men. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know. Doesn't make sense. Doesn't make sense. No. You have to be yourself.

If you're a good looking guy and you start going, oh, I have a wife, those little chicks that go see Sebastian, those chubby Italian chicks, they're going to be, you know what saying? They just, it's something. It's bad for marketing. It's something like it's just, and I love love. I'm a firm believer in love and comedy. When you start to take it, I'm like, oh, boy, these guys now, see, when they pay $35

bucks in the back of their mind, as perverting as stupid as this out, I got the shot to sleep with Natalie. They're geese. They don't actually think that, but they want to be able to pretend. Right. They're in their mom's basement, banging one out. You know, all Natalie. I'm going to get a tattoo

and shit. Are they really? Fuck yeah. You got a young audience at 25, 26? You see that guy who drove like 14 hours to do kill Tony

to see Kim Kong? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you got. You got a kid in Iowa right now. I'm going to get a tattoo and move to New York and marry Nall.

He's paying 35 bucks to see Nally to hopefully I give her a flower and the next time I'll go to a show at the stand and give her roses, you know. In the back of that mind, they're fucking goofy like that.

And now I'm paying 35 bucks and I ain't getting nut from that. Not even a fantasy. I didn't even get in the fantasy because she's married. So it's just, and this goes for any other women. Like, you know, there's an age. Even if you just say I'm married but never show that motherfucker. Like, put pictures of him with his face with a devil on him and shit like that.

People lose their mind instead of saying it's like showing a guy a thigh and up to here. And he goes nuts because he knows another inch. So, but that was, I'm not mad at you no more. No, I got over. It's, when you're in love, you just, you go crazy and you put everything to the side. Yeah, no. And I know you were like, I get to go with somebody on the road now. It's easier.

But fuck, that's a pain he has, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If they're a comic, oh, my God, that's got to be rough because there's always somebody in a comic that wants to come home at night and try their joke on you. And that shit don't work. They come home. Oh, my God, I killed. Let me do this joke on you. Anytime to, like, lose your identity a little bit.

You lose your identity, yeah. It has to be just you. Otherwise, like, it starts to morph into somebody else. And it's like, it has to be solely your voice, I feel. What made you get into stand? I always wanted to do acting. And then I was really bad at it. That's honest.

And I found more autonomy in stand-up. And I could write my own stuff. I could create my own opportunities. And I just, like, got really hooked on it. Did you, where'd you get up on stage the first time? I went to do, oh, it's funny. I went to do a mic at New York Comedy Club. It was canceled.

So then I walked to Greenwich. It was canceled. And then I walked to Carmelounge. And then that one happened. And I went up. So it was like my third try that day. And I was like really determined that day to go do a mic. How old are you?

I was 22. What are you banking now? How old have you been doing comedy? Like nine years. Wow. Done really well for you. Thank you. Hey, you're on an independent quote.

You know, right now, comics, it's like an independent feature. Mm-hmm. You know, you're either going to go with Netflix or Hulu or not. You've got to make your own fucking opportunity. You're not going to, you know, you're not going to wait for Netflix to call you up. They'll call you when you start making a big wave, you know? Yeah. But, you know, when you sign with Netflix, like, they want to know your ticket numbers for the fucking year.

Do you mean an agency or you mean Netflix? When you, before Netflix decides whether you're going to get a special, they look at everything, guys. Your podcast numbers for the last two years to see if there's been growth. They look at your ticket sales to see if there's been growth, because then they could grow with you. So that's what they look at everything, Netflix. And they go right in the computer.

It's like they call your manager and he's like, oh, yeah, he did $82 million last year. No, no, no, no. Not enough. We go on the fucking computer to look at numbers and all that. because it's all, what's that shit? Ticketron or something like it. No, what's that? Analytics?

What is it? Algorithms. Oh. No, but there's some sort of service that tracks how you do ticket sales-wise, right? At the bigger clubs? I think so. Yeah, yeah.

They get their official numbers, but they're lying. You know, I love it. She goes, yeah, it's a tiny club. It's 150 seats. Go in there with a fucking manager. I guarantee it's 180 seats. Yeah. And then you're like, this is 180 seats.

Oh, my God. Oh, they're left old. we did a benefit the blind kids. I know. And we left over 30 chairs. 100%. The first, and I tell people this,

you just get robbed. You just get blatantly robbed. Like, you know, you'll get the club where you'll get the bonus and you're three tickets away. So you send somebody to buy the three tickets and you get your fucking 500.

Yes, I know what you're saying. Doug, that's what you got to do. You got to hustle it. You got to get the bonus that night. And even if you're like, like two, some club owners ago, really good list. They'll be like it's okay. It's okay. We'll give you the bonus.

But there's some motherfuckers that are like, listen, you have $4.99 and a half. That's not. What happened in this time? When you're like, what the fuck? And they always get you with that number like too short. Really? I ain't got time. But if I had time to get a clicker and count all these chairs, I remember Gabriel Lacey kept doing a Wilber theater. Really? And they kept paying them after 10 years. He goes, Bill, do you pay me on the people who were standing there? And the room, you were, shut down. He was packing him in there to see Gabriel.

We had 10 Mexicans in a corner like one of those ice trailers they put shit down in Mexico. In Texas he had him like watch fucking Gabriel. He was selling boxes for Gabriel in the back and shit.

Bill at every level. And he was paying him the same amount every time. Yeah. And he's like, I don't get a raise. There's more more people standing. Crazy. And I love Bill.

I want Bill Bill Bill Moore to everything. I love Bill. And I'll do business with Bill tomorrow because he's cool as fuck. Right. But they forget that shit. You know, they think that you don't know. And one day some people show up with you and they're like, man, why do you those people stand?

That's why I don't like people standing at my show. Oh, yeah. Because they won't, if you're standing, you have the need to talk. It's really weird. Like, there's a couple clubs that, oh, we only got 250 seats. But you're looking at the back of the club while you're on stage. And there's fucking 30 people standing. And you're like, I'm not getting a dime of this.

Plus, they're going to be disruptive. because then they're not sitting and they start moving. What do you do after 45 minutes? You're not fucking sitting. They're uncomfortable. You're uncomfortable. It's not going to a guy.

That's why I don't go to concerts. I got a stand at Asbury Park like a fucking moral. The fuck out of you. I don't like that song. Let me sit down and take one off. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So that's what it just,

it's I love you and Lee. I love what you're doing. It's a fucking struggle. I wish I didn't have to do it ever again. Like, don't ever want to, I mean, if you came to me and said, Joey, you got a chance of going to prison for 30 years and doing comedy. I'll fucking do comedy because the first 10 years are prison. It's a fucking prison the first 10 years. You know, the planes, the fucking, you don't understand

where the money goes. It's not the plane ticket. It's the three Uber's. You got to tell you. I know. And the fucking daily airport, it's 65 bucks. And you're like, I just picked up 300. It's exhausting. How can I? What about the bags? 50 bucks a pop? Some airlines. I got a credit card. 60 now. Yeah. 60 now.

And then the C's cost, like when you're checking a bag. Oh, your bags. This guy was telling me they wanted $120 more for a window. So yeah, I love when they say prices start at 344. Oh, yeah, yeah. You got to sit in the back with like, you're fucking FBI guys.

Yeah, by the bathroom and smell farts. And that's the, it's a fucking nightmare of life. You got to sign up for an airline. Yeah, that's what I did. Yeah. you do what? Like I got a credit card with an airline and that pays for the bags.

I get upgraded a little bit. That's not a bad deal, but they're like $5,000. They want, I did Delta and it was like 700, but every bag is free. I get upgraded. They give me one free ticket a year,

like one free companion ticket. So they give me Uber credit. So if you're doing it, if you're flying as much as we are at that job. If you're flying, yeah, yeah, it's worth it. It's, uh, and I had something crazy happen this weekend. It was the first time.

someone was heckling like the entire show and the headliner actually went up and like just be quiet and the person was like no this is what we're supposed to do right? Like this is this is like this

we're part of the show and he's like no you're supposed to be quiet and I've never like do you deal with that a lot because you put up some crowd work clip sometimes does that make people think they can talk to you? Definitely. Yeah yeah yeah I've never experienced that before

and the guy like legit was it was his birthday he was like really upset that he wasn't supposed to talk during the show. He thought for sure that he was supposed to talk. They think that it's about them. Like, they want it to be about them. Or that it's not rude.

And it was very weird. And we've never experienced that before. You know, I was thinking about it. You'll come on the podcast if you ever ran into this. Guys run into this. I'm not saying anything good or anything. There's times you do a show. For some reason, it's a back to the way.

Oh, yes. Okay? And there's six months. But there's always that fucking insecure boyfriend that has to come. The bachelor's party? Yeah, there's always something like that. There's always like a guy that doesn't trust her. She's my woman.

I want to be there. And the guys are first like, yeah, that's cool. But at the end, they're like, guy, he brought your fucking husband with you. And he's, but he's not there to see the show. He's dead, a bulldog, the comic, because you guys like him. Like a three of the women say, oh, he's hot. Matt Rife is hot. that motherfucker

go to the concert and just, you know, he's got to go change light bulbs on Monday. So he's looking at Matt Rive going, and then,

but I had that with my special. I almost had to kick a guy. Oh, that was right. Because the girl was dead that she liked comedy. Yes.

And, you know, the guy, I don't want to go see a comedy show. I'd rather get drunk. I want to go to see the Chicago Bears

and you can see that. You idiot, the Bears aren't even playing. It's nighttime. You know what I'm saying? But, you ever have, like women get upset at you? That's what I was thinking. I have the reverse or women are just like,

or you talk to their, you do crowd work and they're just like, why are you talking to my man? It's like, I don't want to fuck him. I'm like, I don't want him. You can have him. I don't know if you do this. I, and it's a little bit different because like I'm a guy with but like when you're taking pictures after, do you put your arm around a guy? Like anytime a girl takes a picture with me, I, if you notice, my hands are always either on the front or behind my back. Yeah. I don't want anybody to think anything. So like if guys come up with a girl, do you like, do you put your arm around them? Does it ever come up or no? No. I don't. I don't. I don't, I don't, sometimes if it's like natural, but I don't,

a lot of times people will be like, is it okay if I put my arm around you? And I'm like, yeah, that's okay. Yeah. What about on Fridays? They go right from work, digging trenches all day. Yes. They come right to your show and by 8 o'clock they're ripe. And by 9.30, they're fucking booting.

Like, what do you mean? What about on Friday? Yeah, Fridays? Because they didn't even go home and take a shop. No, to me, it's Friday late. Friday late. Yeah. They come in there creepy.

Yeah. Then as they sliver around you, you can feel the bacteria. Come on. You can just feel it. Right around your waist. Oh, around here, when they hug you and you get the dents of that armpit. Like, that's why I won't take pictures before shows. Because it's bad luck.

Because one time I got a shot of armpit. And I had to go on stage the whole time, like, away from my neck. It's like I had a partner. Like a, what are he doing? You have two heads? You know those two idiots? Eventually. And then I didn't want to hug nobody

Or take another picture Because people were gonna say Joey was fucking ripe tonight So my night was shot Some people bring shirts Like to change between Yeah, no no If you do helium

You ever do helium You need like eight shirts I love that Because every time you go to Philly helium the air's off I don't know I don't know what's going on The air's not working

The air hasn't worked Since I got here Fucking July You gotta change shirts In the middle of your show There's 275 people in there It's 90 degrees 90% humidity.

And the guy's still walking around going, I don't know. There's something wrong with an air conditioner. Doug, the air conditioning is fucked up since Jesus does the show here. I love that room. That room's awesome. When you're going to roll. In that room. Anything in Philly, when you're on a roll.

Yeah. And now, whatever you say, I killed a woman last night. Ah! I raped eight times. Philly, they take the ride. They don't. I hope you stabbed her in the neck. Yeah.

They don't give a fucking Philly. You even catch yourself saying things going, Jesus Christ, what just came out of my mouth? And they took the ride. So that's why I like about Philadelphia. It's a great, like if you're Buckwild, they take the ride with you. Philly, there's a couple towns like that,

Houston. If you say President Bush in Houston, the place fucking blows up. You go up there. I learned something about, Like at the old lap stop, you could talk about anything you wanted. But as soon as you said Bush, the place blew up. If you went in there and talked bad about Bush, you ate a bag of dicks.

But if you went to Austin and brought up Bush, you're a standing ovation. They hate them. So in Texas, you've got to be careful where the fuck you're at. But some of those old towns, yeah, you could say, like I love Texas for developing. Detroit, there's something about Detroit because there's so many weird people. It is weird. In Detroit, there's pockets of weirdness. It is.

Like I was telling you about Ishpamene. Ishpamian is a town by Notre Dame. That it's like a fucking, it's like Las Vegas. Nobody even heard about it. It's right by Notre Dame. It's Indiana border. Indiana, Michigan border. Fuck, it's a party.

But I bombed at that club, man. Notre Dame, funny bone years ago. Woo! Real Catholic? Huh? Real Catholic area? Rednecky. Oh, okay.

I went up there talking about Coke and stabbing people. They just looked and be like, what is this kid talking about? If you bombed, would you feel like anything afterward? Would you be like, oh, that sucks? Or you're just like, eh? It depends. Depends the amount of bombs that weekend. You ever, like, have four bombs in a row, and you're like.

Just like, I need a win. If I bomb this show, I'm done. I'm going to have my job back. This is fucking brutal. When did you stop having a day job? Or do you still have a day job? I stopped in 2019. What were you doing?

Wow. I was working at a coffee shop. Yeah. But now you make money on Twitch. You're like a fucking million at daytime. I stream on Twitch. Yeah, I play video games. What kind of video games do you play? I play different types.

I play kind of like cute video games and some scary games. No, no Grand Theft Auto or something? No, I'm really bad at the driving. Me too. Yeah. You are? Oh. Really?

I just run over people at will. Same. I can't control that thing. I'm good with the shooting and the punching and the robbing. It's two different sticks at once. It's two fucking things. It's so, it's so sensitive.

And it's like. Right. It's sensitive. You got to learn how to do the fucking tricket stay still because I'm not. You're just going like this, hitting things. Bam. Exactly.

I can't. Bam. I'm just getting. I really want to get good at it before November when the new one comes out. But I just can't. Yeah. Good for you, Natalie. Thank you.

You're a fucking gangster in shit. And now you got a fucking tour of Europe. Yeah. Now, when you go over there as a single woman, are you scared? No, I'm stoked. I'm really excited to go there. I'm like, this is going to be an adventure. I'm excited.

Good. And you want those fucking hippie chicks. You're into all that shit. You go over there, some guy fucking grabs you and puts you in an alley and gives you a stabbing. You got a new joke that night. You know what I'm saying? If I survive. Don't give a fuck.

Don't give them any ideas. No, I watch the material. I'm like, Natalie, Jesus. What the fuck are you talking about for Christ's thing? No wonder you're driving these 22-year-old kids with pimples crazy and shit. They come to your shoulder. Oh, my, ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. Dog, she said some shit that I got to go, what the fuck, Natalie?

That's fair. Sometimes I'm like, people must think of out of my fucking mind, which I am, to be fair. No, listen, that makes the comic. Yeah. People, listen, a comedian that went to Yale is not going to be fucking funny. Right. Give me the guy that takes Zol off through his dickhole and fucking stabs his wife eight times. I see that.

Yeah. That's the people are going to be good comics because we're not stable. Mm-hmm. We weren't produced to be in society. Natalie, how long will it take you to fucking, some guy tells you to fucking pick up that garbage camp before he tell him to go fuck you. How long? There's some people that are born to that. And there's some people that, and they never find what they are and they become retards.

At least people like you and I became comedians. We got, we got mental issues, but we became comedians. So it's right up our fucking howie. You feel like you have mental issues? Oh, fuck, yeah. No, but like, I feel like you're able to use it so well. You learn how to deal with it. You learn how to cover it up and shit like that.

What would your mental issue be? What would your mental issue be? I got a lot of them. I got a lot of them. Really? No, I'm not OCD and other that shit, but I'm like, I don't even know what OCD is. I know you always talk about it. And I'm like, I don't even fucking know what she's talking about.

OCD. I don't know what the fuck you say. This is mostly a joke. But you have some autistic tendencies. Like you don't like change. You like things a very specific way. You don't like a lot of people around you. Changes in quarters or nickels?

No, like, like if something changes, like, like, like, like, like, if someone tells you something's going to happen one way, but it happens the other way, or if someone, like you just said with Natalie, you got mad at Natalie for a year because she got a boyfriend. That's so valid, though. Oh, well, yeah. No, I get like that. Yeah.

I didn't talk to a woman because she made mashed potatoes that was so bad on Thanksgiving. She made a fucking trundkin. I love this woman for all my heart. I still talk to it today. But for a fucking year, I did not say a fucking word to her. And one day, she coached, like, what's going on with us? We were always good friends that go, you fucked up the turkey and the fucking mashed potato. Who fucking fucks up mashed potatoes?

I just hung up on it. And like a week later, because a mashed potatoes were so bad that people would make go to a liquor store so they could redo her cooking. Really? She had Thanksgiving when you had 9 o'clock. Uh-huh. It's late. I don't wait till nine.

And then I get there and it's not a turkey. It's a trundken. It's a turkey stuck with duck. Right there, you lost me. Yeah. All right. So I'll fucking eat the, I'll eat the fucking stuffing.

And I'll eat the mashed potatoes and dibble on some cranberry sauce. No, no, no, no, no. The hits didn't stop there. Everything was fucking, the stuffing was made on a fucking cardboard with olives and shit in it. I never saw anything like that. He's a white people in California. They don't know nothing about that. Thanksgiving. The vegetables were God awful. Everything. I just got up. I cried.

Like, who fucks up? Let me tell you how good my wife is. We got home at like 10.30. I went to bed. I was so depressed. He walked me about three with a turkey, mashed potatoes, and stove stop stuffing. The same way to have stuffing in prison. That's the stuffing I want. I don't want fucking these people with I made this new stuffing. Go shove it up your ass. I don't want none of that shit. You're right. Put some salt and pepper. I get pissed at things. like that. I don't know if they're autistic things. Like he knows, there was a guy by my house in the studio said, put two cones in front of his driveway.

For some reason, it didn't rub me the right way. Because it was a school, and across the house, across the street was the house. And he put two cones on there so a mom can't make a fucking U-turn. I would drive by and go, what type of scumbag is this? And then, I knocked on his door for Halloween one day. He didn't want to give my daughter candy. He's like, you've got to answer these history questions. Wait.

Oh yeah, the guy was a fucking nerd, him and his fucking wife. History questions for candy? Yeah, he was like a history teacher some shit. My daughter was like, fuck it. She just walked away. And I go, you didn't give that little girl coffee? Coffee? Because she didn't know who fucking Hitler was or some

shit like that. The fuck is wrong with you. So every night I would drive home and on the way home, I'd go out of my way to run over his fucking cones. Every day he'd come out of there and look at his cones and go, God damn it. That doesn't seem mentally ill to me. There's something wrong there.

You know, there's something fucking not right about somebody who just takes it upon them. I'm like a vigilante of things that nobody cares about. Like I stick up for this little guy. When the guy parked on your street. Yeah. We throw a trash in his car. Yeah. People parked in front of your house with a nice car to go to Burbank Airport.

And then they leave that car from the house for three weeks. That's fucked. I got to scratch your car. blow up your tires. I got to do whatever I can to you. That's all New Jersey way. You get the hint. Because I can tell you to your face, Natalie, we live here. And you'll go, okay, fine, but it's a free country. Okay. Okay. Wait till you come out and all fours are fucking flat. And you're out there, like, I only have one tie. Yeah, it's a free country. Now you'll see how fucking free life really is. Did you really do that? Did you do that?

Fuck yeah. How dare you park your fucking car in front of my house for three weeks. That's a long time. With a nice car to save $2 to save $5 to fuck out of them. People would park fucking 7 series BMWs. On my block, they're not fucking to take the shuttle downtown. Instead of, you got a 7 car. You work hard for it. Put in a nice parking.

Okay, you don't want to put a part. You trust life. I walk right with a fucking key. And I say, wait there with my cat. I'm like an evil. And I see them get out of the car. And they're looking at the scratch. I'm like, fuck.

And I'm sitting like, ah, I'm just petting a little cat. Sounds like maybe you need some cones. You need some cones. Yeah, you need your own cones. Fuck that shit. Yeah, I'm out of my mind like that. But people don't understand that it's actual makes you a better comment. Yeah.

You don't want to remember who the fuck you are on stage because you're just a lunatic. Right. That's why I hate when people go, well, what is your act like? Oh, I know. I hate that. What do you think? I take a cape off? And you go on stage?

Who does that? What you're seeing on stage is me. Yeah. I talk about some stuff. The other stuff I don't like talking about. But this is me. I don't have no act. There's no fucking act.

Mm-hmm. What do you think? I agree. Yeah. What's your mental issues? Oh, God. I just, I think I'm like a little paranoid. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. About what? I'm paranoid. just about everything. Really? Oh yeah. Like, what are you paranoid about?

Everything? Like, I'm superstitious, too. I only wear blue underwear on stage. If I, if I don't wear blue underwear, I'm gonna have a bad set. Really?

Yep. I get nervous about that. I get nervous about, oh yeah, I have a lot of weird shit. Like, I, like, whenever I take mushrooms,

I think everyone's mad at me. Well, that's, you're taking mushrooms. I guess. I think everyone, oh, all the time. He's fucking Jewish.

Okay. I'm half. I'm half. Okay. So you, that's half your fucking problem right. See, when you're Jewish, like myself, I have some Jew in me. You do? You're in your fucking head. You have Jew and you? Yeah, Cuban fucking Jew, the old school Jews, not these

fucking little fag Jews driving BMWs and making believe they're popular. I'm old school. You know what I'm saying? If I can dent the BMW, I'll dent it. They fucked with my people. You know what I'm saying? Oh my God. So I think like we made a good observation a couple weeks ago. 10 years. I've been watching this knucklehead try to gamble. He's fucking horrible. Not you? He's horrible.

But three weeks ago, he wins $9,000 one night. Why did he win the $9,000? Why? Asked me why. Because I gave him an edible and he forgot he was a Jew. So he didn't care about losing. But all the other times, he loses $200. That's it.

I'm done. I'm done for the night. He's got $20,000 under his mattress. Why are you done for the fucking night? But his Jew comes out, everybody has that. Your own little things come out. So anxious all the time. Yeah, you're anxious.

Yeah, yeah. He takes an edible. He's over there fucking Johnny Gumbach, tipping the chick. Once he tipped the fucking lady, I knew the Jewish guy. He gave it like a $25 chip for five. You got to tip the dealer. Yeah, and that's the thing. You have to, I don't believe in drinking before you go on stage because I'm not a boozer,

but I do like smoking a drink. Just takes the edge of. Yeah. You know, I don't smoke weed because it gets me high, guys. I smoke weed because it's a little last piece of me. It's a little less. It's the last piece of me. What do you mean?

That when I was like 13, I was smoking pot. That's the last thing I brought from that world. I'm not a thief no more. I don't do coke no more. I don't have STDs no more. You know, things change. No, I didn't have had an STD. I think I did, but I didn't take care of it.

It went away by himself. You know, when you hang out with college girls, things happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, like you just know, but I know sometimes that my mental issue helps him when I'm on stage. Because I just don't really give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

Like, this is what we do. And if I didn't have that little mental sickness, I wouldn't. Like, today I came up here and I cut everybody off. Like, the 46 exit, like, I just cut somebody off there. Like, I don't even stand in that line with the rest of those idiots. Like, I'm on a different level.

I got to cut around. I got to get to the studio. Yeah. I got driven unless you've, my favorite is he just beeps at people. Really? He beeps at people walking by and they don't know how to handle it

scream at him. My daughter, my daughter doesn't know how to handle it. That's so funny. I'll see little faggots walking from Wawa to like the park. And I'll be with her in the car. Oh yeah, I got a whistle.

I got like a whistle. So sometimes I hit him with the whistle or sometimes I just beep at him. And my daughter will go, Dad, I go to school with them. Oh my God. Hold on. Talk to you about this whistle. Oh.

My wife was a basketball coach. I stole a whistle. So I bring it to different places to fuck with people. So I went to my friends Eddie Bart's restaurant. What's the name of Eddie Bartz restaurant? In whatever, Forte, great dude. And I brought the whistle. So the whole night he sat with me.

I'm hitting him with the whistle. And every time I ball the whistle, he's looking around the restaurant, right? He's getting up. Finally, I didn't say nothing. I hit him with the whistle 20, 25. five times that night. And every time he would settle, I hit him with the whistle,

and he'd get up and look around. And the next day, he told me, he goes, I thought it was the fire department. Oh, my God. He didn't know. Did he even ask you about it? Was he like, do you hear that?

No, I came on the podcast and talked about rocking the whistle. Oh, my God. So now I take the whistle like nice restaurants and shit. And you're in there sitting and he's a beep and just, people lose their mind.

Wow. I'm a fucking kid. It's amazing. This is part of the stoner. Yeah. I'm still a 10-year-old fucking child. We all are. So I get off on things like that that don't involve anybody else.

They're just for me. Yeah. Who do you steal, like, one shoe from? That makes me laugh every time. We're going on the show one year, and I took my friends one shoe. If you want to burglarize somebody and fuck with somebody, just take one shoe. Go in their house and take one of their shoes of their favorite shoes and just come over there like a week later. How are you doing?

I can't find my shoe. That's so fun. They lose. They're fucking yesterday. I went to an Easter thing. Little Joey gets up, gets a plate of pasta, a sausage,

and a meatball. He puts it down. His father goes, Joey, get me a soda. He turns around. I took my meatball, put on his plate,

he took his sausage, right? And I see his little 10-year-old kid sit down. He goes, hey. But he didn't say nothing. He didn't say, just goes, hey.

And he looked around, and he was like scratching. And he said, meanwhile, I'm watching him. I'm fucking howling. Because he thought he got a piece the Sauchers, which he really did. I just wanted to fuck with him. And then he just...

So I called his mother today. That's what I did to Joey. Yes, but she's like, I love it. Yeah, I like torture and people, but it's my own torture. I don't want you. Like, I would torture... I don't know. Me. No, no, no, no. Like, I would have to torture somebody. If you're that gullible, I got to run with it.

Like, I could say something to you one time now. Yeah. Whatever, Joey. But you'll go, really? And I go, oh, that's it. I got it. Yes, I'm gullible. And I'll just say things to you. Did you hear the Martians last night?

What Martians show you? They were in Jersey City. Now, it's just you and me about Martian. You won't tell nobody because, but me and you are like, I see that Russian last night. I just say shit to you. He used to call me and tell me if the cops come, don't answer the door. And I'm going to be fucking.

What would you say? I would call him every hour on the aisle and go, if the cops come, don't answer the door. And I'd hang up the phone on. You gotta have a good time You gotta make your own fun You wonder why I'm so anxious Were you always anxious?

Oh yeah Okay I'm way more I'm less anxious now than I used to be You talk about on stage Not a ton of being anxious Yeah Not yet

Yeah that's a good idea though I should talk about I don't know Do you ever talk about being Jewish About being Jewish? Wait, I said being anxious I know but it's the same Because sometimes

I'll bring up being Jewish in some places they don't like it. I have one joke about being Jewish, but that's it. Really? That's it? Mm-hmm. And have people ever been weird with you? Not really. Okay.

Yeah. Just like a one-liner. Okay, yeah. Because some people will bring me up, he gave me the nickname the Flying Jew. In some places they'll bring me up and they'll like it that's weird for the first five or ten minutes. As the Flying Jew? Just as a Jew.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Right now it's pretty polarizing. I guess, yeah. It's what how do you how have you found New York? Because are you still young? I feel like you're still pretty. You're younger than I am.

I'm 31. I'm 30. Six years. How old are you? I'm 37. Oh. So it's like I don't I feel I've had I've only been in New York for like a year and a half. Oh really?

Yeah. And I feel like. I feel like the younger crowds don't really like me that much. They like me a little bit, but I feel like the younger crowds are a little weird. I feel like I feel like I do better with older people. Like 30 and up. Why do you think? I think I'd scare them.

I don't know. Like the young 20-year-old kids don't really like, don't. I'm scared of them. You're scared of the younger kids? That's why don't go to the stand. Why? Why do you? Because it's a younger crowd.

I don't want to be up there justifying my existence in front of a younger crowd. If they're going to go, well, that's, and I get it. Some of the material isn't what they were raised on. We come from a different, so, listen, if I go up there, I'll do just fine. I think you would do great there. But in the back, like when I was 30, I peeked out that curtain and I saw a lot of people with white hair, my shit would come out of my ass.

Like, what am I going to tell these people? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And all you're doing is shortchanging yourself. Right. That's why I don't look at the audience. Right. This shit about come see the, do you want to see the theater? I don't want to see nothing.

Yes. A theater is a fucking theater. Right, right. If you think I want to go down there and do a sound check and now, now my mind runs more. I've never done anything. that shit. I feel like young people love you. No, but it's, it's give a take. When you walk into the city,

I'm going up against 30% of people that are 200-seat room. They'll go Uncle Joey, but the other people are just sitting in. I hit them with an outlandish joke. Those girls, they're not, you know, they're not, it's fucking weird sometimes you get away with. Me, I don't

give the fuck. Like, understand where I'm coming from, but the club, you guys, you know, I don't you guys to feel bad. Joey came in, he had a bag of dicks in front of, like I know. I can't even see that happening.

I couldn't even think of going to the comedy cellar. Why? Because they get all those mixes. Really? Yeah, it's too many mixes. And listen,

again, I'd probably do just fine. We were at the roast of New Jersey. I was laughing so hard. Someone told me they were laughing at how I was laughing at you. Oh, we had a good time. We had a fucking good time.

But I'll tell you what, I felt shitty. What? I saw you. Oh. Once I saw you and you were like, your assistant, your friend, and then you and I sat together. I'm like, ooh, she took the pressure off me.

Because at least I knew Natalie well. Like, I would have sat with Rich, Bonnie or the black kid. You know, I forget, Donnell. But I sat next to you. They've sat us together. And when the guy goes, I'm sitting you with Nally. And he's going, no, thank fucking God. You know, because now we'll share anxiety together.

Yes. Now we'll sit next to each other. And I told you that. I have anxiety too. Yeah, yeah. Relax and we'll be fine. I had this joke where I say like the most jersey thing, I was like, the most Jersey thing about me is that I'm divorced. Actually, the most Jersey thing would be if my husband punched me in the face and fuck my sister and he divorced me.

Right? But apparently the whole crowd took it as if I said he punched me in the face. And they locked up after that. Well, apparently they were like, oh, I hate that. My ex messaged me and he goes, why do you tell people that I punched you in the face? I go, I never said that. You didn't punch me in the face and I never said that. And it's a joke.

You meant that as a Jersey girl. I get it. I meant it as like it would be as if theoretically this would be a Jersey thing to theoretically have happened. You know what I'm saying, right? Right. No, I understand. Exactly. Like this didn't happen, but theoretically, this would be a Jersey thing.

think to have happened. Did you grow up in Jersey? I grew up in Queens. Okay. What did you move to? When did you make your big escape from Jersey City? 2019. What made you make the move?

My mom randomly moved to Jersey and I lived in L.A. for like eight months and around that time because I was like with a guy. We broke up and then I moved in with my mom. What the fuck were you in L.A.? I never saw you in L. I saw you in L.A. You did? Yeah.

Where? Just from afar. No, but where? What club? Comedy store. Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't know you that.

No. No. No, we didn't know each other. That's crazy. You were in L.A. Mm-hmm. You were little. You were young.

Yeah. It was like a year or two in. Yeah. Did you get intimidated at all? For sure. For sure. Yeah. How do you feel now when you go out there?

I feel fine. I feel good. I feel like I know people. There's so much crossover between the scenes that, like, I see friends and stuff. And I like it there a lot. You know, men, listen, here's how I feel. Like I said, my mother was the lead hooker.

They ate other Cuban hookers that used to hang out together. I'm just saying they weren't hookers. But you know what I mean, George. They're Spanish women. They're hot and they dress hot. So I was raised around a lot of women. Like I learned early on. Like one of my favorite things is to go to a beauty pole.

You got a haircut. just to see the broads talk. I'm not there to hit on them or nothing to that. Just to hear the quack to see chicks with their eyes up and aluminum fall on their head looking like a TV and shit.

You know, and then there's enough, like when I was young, I would watch women get ready. Like those women would come to my mother's house to get ready. We live on 88th Street. Yeah. So they would go to a club called a cheetah

on like Wednesday night. Young hookers, you know. Moms are the hookers. Really? Yeah. Mom were brand new pussies. That's a new club. Moms were brand new pussies after the birth.

And they go out in New York City and they cause havoc and they come home and tell you stories and shit. So I've always felt comfortable, like really comfortable around women. And then I started doing comedy. And that's a complete different situation. And then it's so weird when I had like, let me. me tell you what happened to me recently. Like, I went on the road. You know, my daughter was born in 2013.

I went on the road. Do you know, after the pandemic, I have more women coming to my shows now ever before. Really? Yeah. Why? You know, okay, maybe you get your Elvis qualities back being a kid. No, it's because I got a daughter now. That's the only thing I could put it on.

I mean, it's swung. Like, not like, it went from, like, 95 to 5% women, even a little higher because they come, a lot of women bring their boyfriends on dates. Like the guys will say to me, my girlfriend bought me tickets. Yeah. That's why I always have a woman opening for me.

Because I don't want the women to come there and hear three guys talking about big dick energy. It's not going to work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The woman gets nothing out of that. It's like somebody going down on you, you don't return the favor. You know what I'm saying?

It's like that. Like, you're like, what the fuck? So that's why I always do that, to please everybody. But I noticed that as I got older and I had mercy, now I'm getting two girls instead of a date. And they're like in their 25s or 26es. That's awesome. And that, no, it's not awesome.

But you think about what made, because this is the changes that you learn in comedy. Okay. Like you're going to go, oh, my God, when I first got on stage, like I said tonight, I hate performing in front of young audiences. But that's just something in my head. Once I get there and touch the mic and walk up, you become a fucking animal and you learn how to navigate yourself through that. that. But it's so weird that even after 35 years, I still have those doubts. So if you get them, don't feel bad. Right. You know, if you look in a room and it's 80 guys looking like me,

you're going to go, what the fuck do I say? These guys don't even get hard on it. They're not even going to get my material. You know what I'm saying? I got to talk about Viagra. I got to find everything I know about Viagra and Bluetooth. Yeah, yeah. So it's the same thing. Again, with you, what happens if you open the door and it's 60 women out of six. 70 and you're looking the best you've ever looked. They're going to hate you just for that, Natalie. Exactly. They're going to hate you just for that.

And that's the things that a lot of people don't realize. Like I see a woman with nice breast, that's great. Well, you're a comic. You better fucking hide those guns. It's not that type of party because what's going to happen? I'm going to bring my wife. You're going to go up on stage. I'm going to be happy.

It's Natalie Cuomo. She's going to go, that slut. You don't even fucking know Natalie Cuomo. because you have two shotguns coming out. Yeah. It's the truth. I do feel like I get a lot of negativity and it's difficult. It's very difficult.

Yeah, yeah. And you don't know why for right now. Don't pay attention to it. Just keep doing what you do. And eventually you'll learn, oh, I say that. And the women get pissed off and this. You know, if I go out and stick my hat out and I see an old woman in the audience, I start shitting my brains a little bit.

Really? Yeah, because you're going to look at me and go, look at you talking like you're fucking 18. You're a grown fucking man. Go get a couch and a blanket. And hang it up already. Go get a couch on a blanket. But I feel like it comes from guys too, negativity.

Absolutely. Because I don't like when guys say there's no funny women. Yes. That's the biggest hypocritical, as hypocritical as I am about, like my girls and shit. Like another thing, Natalie. I love you so much. If somebody came to complain to me about you, I'd go, it's Natalie. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I'm hypocritical with certain people. Somebody comes up to me and goes, he called me a cunt. Slee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's somebody else comes up to me and go, oh, George called me a cut. That fucking lunatic. Have you, because you've dealt with like some anger online. How did it take you like a while to learn how to deal with that?

What was that like? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It definitely took an adjustment period to learn how to deal. with it and to kind of desensitize myself to it. Do you block people or do you just do you just not give them the satisfaction? No, no, no, you can't give them the satisfaction of blocking them. Yeah.

Unless it's like they're scary, you know, unless they're like so insistent. Well, like what would be in, like, I, one guy, one guy told me he wanted to blow my brains into the Hudson. That would be scary. Yeah. Then I would block them. Yeah, that was fun. But like that, you just like let it go now. It doesn't, you try not to read stuff.

Yeah, exactly. It's after a while it doesn't feel like. anything, which is kind of sad. Does it kind of help you? Because if people are that upset, at least they're like, they're watching your stuff and commenting angry stuff and it goes more up on Instagram, you kind of like it now? Sometimes you get to a point where you're like, oh, this doesn't have any angry comments. It's not hitting the algorithm.

Right, yeah. It's crazy that I don't, when I first started this podcasting, about six years, I used to get upset and argue with people on Twitter. Mm-hmm. You know, and then one day I looked at it and I go, it's like when somebody heckles you. It's like when somebody says, after the show, I'm going to blow your brains out.

Right. What was that person thinking of the mold before he walked into that comedy club? Yeah. You know, you have to look at them and go, do I take my criticism from that loser tonight? You're going to go home and say, most people do, I was having a good set,

but there was a heckler there. You know, I have that. You have a great. set. There's a guy that's just, you know if you attack him, now you're going to lose the audience. Exactly. If I call you a fucking idiot and a retard, I'm going to lose the audience. Yeah. So I got to learn how to do it in a way that I turn the audience on him without turning.

I'm not going to say, hey, tell this guy he's a loser. No, just go, hey, man, you're sitting next to a pretty girl. You're fucking embarrassing the shit out of it. And they just look at you, like, what the fuck, you know? but to talk to you guys because I had it out with my nephew, Lee, and my brother George. You cannot look at those comments. And all you guys are going,

but you'll leave here tomorrow and look at YouTube and look at the fucking comments. Not I. Not you either? No, I'm kidding. No, because you're taking criticism from people that don't know what you did to get to where you are. Exactly.

So why am I letting you, you can talk all the shit you want. You could talk all the nuts. And listen, it took me years to come to that. We're a comic. We're comics, right? We're fucking artists. We're entertainers.

We're actors. People are going to hate you. If you don't like it, don't go on the Instagram. Yeah. If you don't like posting this shit, and people are going to go, and guess what? No matter what you post, there's going to be. People that hate it. Look at those shoes.

What the fuck do my shoes have to do with stand up? Yeah. And that's when you start realizing that these people are coming from a different I come from the same place. When I go to a comedy show and I see a woman, even if I don't know, I applaud for her. I applaud for her. I wanted to do well because if you want somebody to do well,

that's only going to help you. That's really going to help you learn to deal with. If you go up and go, look at her. She's got skinny legs. She got the last. I don't know. You lost. You fucking lost.

If you go on Twitter at 8 in the morning, I see tons of people. I don't get on there until, like, 10. I see people, once Mercy goes to school, all bets are off. I go to the gym,

so I'll look at the Twitter or the Instagram or the Facebook. I don't have Facebook or Twitter on my phone. I only have IG because that's what people... Yeah, yeah. All that other shit. You know, and it's hard to fucking digest this. It's like,

they don't know about your pain. They have no idea about you getting stuck. In Syracuse. Jesus price. You know, they have no idea. They have no idea. They don't know what it is to go to a comedy club

when they told you 11 o'clock. But Louis C.K walks in and he goes to a one. And now you've got to go up at one. They don't know all that shit. Why are you listening to them? If I have a complaint to you, I'm not going to write up. I'm not going to pull you out.

Emily, Natalie, I didn't like that joke. That joke is weird. Let's do it this way. Yeah. But I'm not going to come up to you. And fucking, that joke sucks. What a fuck are you?

Yeah. Oh, man. Who's fucking you? We're in the stand here. You're fucking Moses. You know what I'm saying? And that's what I don't read none of that shit. Because nobody should have the power to take you out off your dream.

Yeah. And that's douche. That's what people are doing. They had a dream. They didn't have the fucking balls to even show the fuck up. When people write that shit about you, they didn't even have the balls to show up. Look up. She went to an open mic.

It was canceled. The other buddy else was. had gone home. I would have. Yeah. It took me a year to get on stage, bitch. A year, I would get the open mic. I'm sick tonight. And I'd hang up the phone. A year. So she went to two open mics. They were closed. She could have gone home. Could have called the guy, gone to dinner. She went to that third open mic. And that's what these people don't know, but they try to take that away from you. They do. Yeah. I see your battles. I saw the tape when you went fucking off on the guy. I loved it. I love all that shit. It went crazy. I love all. I love all.

Because that's what happens. My heck are you, there's people who go to a show specifically to fuck with your world. Exactly. We lose when we let them fuck with our world. Yeah. As soon as we go, fuck you, you're a stupid heckler. You live in your mother's basement.

We lost. Yes. That's it. You became another $3. Yeah. That's what you are. There's a $10 comic. You're a $1,000 comic.

There's a $1,000 comic. Which one do you want to be? Yeah. You can't do it from the beginning, but you learn. Mm-hmm. You learned. We're going to take a break now. So now he can pee.

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I'm 420. Enjoy it. Deep. We're back, bitches. Anyway. So what is Natalie? All right,

so I didn't know this shit about stand up and actressing. Yeah. You still want to be an actress? Because we talked about you modeling. Yeah. Like, why don't the fuck they send you for anything? Why don't they do anything?

I don't know. I feel like everything I've done myself. No, you have to do it yourself. Three-quarters, then they'll close and be the hero. What? Then they'll close it and be the hero. Yeah. Oh, we worked hard on this bitch.

Exactly. I've been exchanging emails with this motherfucker for six months. Exactly. I came in to give me, you know, to close it. Exactly. We did a good job. You didn't do nothing. Yeah, yeah.

I'm giving you 10% for protection, but you didn't do shit. 100%. Yeah, that's it. It's after work you do, and that's when you really realize that, listen, that you have an agent, you have a manager, you're paying out 25% a week, 20% a week. Yeah. And you've got to ask yourself, what are we doing here? Is it worth it?

Is it, no, because sometimes you get a manager who thinks he's cute. Hi, Natalie. I have an audition for you. You're like, oh, great. What is it for? Batman. Oh, great. And all of a sudden, your agent calls and goes, did you get that audition?

And you're like, yeah, what are you talking about? Yeah, I got it for you. I just called your manager and tell. Now, is this motherfucker an answering service for 10 points a month? Because I want my manager to run a different scam than the agent. A hundred percent. Let the agent do movies and television and bookings, Let this motherfucker go into the nitty grid.

Listen, HBO, we're going to do a stand-up special. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thursday, the guy's going to be there. I'm going to get you a spot there. Go in and kill those type of moves, not the moves that. By just talking to your agent, I think that's a brilliant idea. Fuck you. I think it's interesting that we're trained to, in the beginning of our careers,

we're trained to think that we need to impress the industry when it's the other way around. Yes. They need to impress us. They need to be showing us that they're valuable. But we're told, like, there's agents and managers here. you have to do your best. It's like, no, no. Like, why are we, like, manipulated into thinking that there's a shift in the power dynamic?

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's what I'm most looking forward to is being, I'm not going to tell them to fuck off, but, like, people who don't answer my emails now or, like, people who, like, I'm basically with everything but sucking their dick, I can't wait for there to be able to get a little bit of a power switch. That's, like, all I'm so looking forward to it. But there can be that switch right now.

You just have to know your value. Like, you are the talent. they don't have a job without you. Right. I don't have any representation yet. But it's more like the clubs and the bookers. And I get it. I get where they're coming from because I don't sell like a ton of tickets right now.

But I'm looking forward to because I think I'm funnier than they give me credit for. But the fact that I don't sell out rooms or whatever, they can pull their little power moves with me. And I feel like I kind of have to let them now. Maybe I don't. I don't know. But when I can finally do what Joey, when you're like, oh,

no, you know what? No free tickets or none of it. Like, all like, just like weird stuff. Like that you can ask for, like I can't wait to have a rider.

Like that's like just the idea of like, not, instead of clubs being like, oh, you, I was just in a club a few weeks ago. They're like, you get one drink per show.

I don't drink. I drink like diet coax and they were counting my diet coax. And I want to be like, come on, man. And like, and then I want to go in, one club owner was telling me this last week.

He's like, this one guy needed a bottle of tequila and a bottle of champagne for every show and a new pair of sneakers. But it was like, it was like Eddie Griffin or something. And I was like, I can't wait to call up a guy. Like, I need a new pair of sneakers every show and if it's not there, I'm not performing. Well sneakers come out of your paycheck.

That's what I said. All right. Don't think that they buy it. That's what they tell you. Yeah. At the final rundown, you'll see the fucking sneakers. Yeah, the fucking the trip to get. You remember that white egg?

Because everybody wants egg whites. Oh, yeah? What? And we don't know egg white. Can you get us an egg white omelet? They'll bring you an egg white omelet? At night? No, like some guys do.

Some dudes go to Miami Improbb and they stay in Fort Lauderdale and call the Miami Club manager and go, hey, I'm in the move for egg whites, bacon. And they're like, okay. But that all comes out of your little checky poo at the end. You're thinking you're a killer. You're like, I got free sneakers. Keep thinking that. And they charge an extra hundred.

you know, it's like anything else. You come to buy my sneakers. Yeah. Like anything else. But I think you're right in one thing. I tried to tell Lee a couple weeks ago. You have to know your valley. And you have to walk in there like,

I don't like doing this, but you have to do it. You got to walk in there like Jackie Gleason. A hundred percent polished and you got a dime in your pocket. You know, and there's all those little things that will lift you mentally. Like, just because they're not lifting you to be an headliner, doesn't mean you're not an

headliner. It means you don't have the credits and stuff. And that's why I always tell young comics and they don't want to hear this shit. Listen, I know you. I really know you don't want to act. Nobody does. Compared to stand-up comedy, acting's a fucking nightmare. Okay? But if you can make

somebody like you at NYPD Blue or Law & Order, you get somebody who likes your, you'll do four Law & Orders a year as a co-star. And that's what I want that club manager to see. that club owner. I saw Natalie Cuomo.

Because that puts you into a different league. You may not be a start. You had one line. You lit the guy's cigarette and you turned away. Doesn't matter. You're on an NBC show. So I got to treat Natalie different unless this does go the other way.

Yeah. Okay? Not only that, all that auditions and helps you stand up. And at one point, they just meet. It's not going to happen after two months. It's not going to happen after two months. It's going to have like 18 months after auditioning.

You're going to go again. how come I can't book nothing and you're going to figure it out and go in and then start booking. It's like everything else. You turn the switch on when you can't. It's like the battered woman. She leaves after that last punch to the head.

You know what I'm saying? That last punch to the head. I can live without that last punch. How does that relate to acting? I'm just saying. I don't even know. It's it all comes together. And that's what a lot of comics don't understand.

it all comes together. But it's time. I'm going to blow your mind. I remember when I was doing comedy 10 years, I'm like, yeah. I'm at the fucking comedy store. These bitches can't tell me shit. And I remember one night I sat next to Mitzie.

She was watching who. Pablo, what's the name? Francisco? No. The other guy, Paul Rodriguez is on stage. Okay. This had to be 20 years ago. And I'll never forget that I sat next to her in the booth.

She didn't say nothing. He was fucking destroying the room. I mean, destroying. And she looked at me, and I was feeling good about doing comedy 10 years, and she goes, eh, that's what you'll look like.

When you do comedy 20 years, and I'm like, 20 fucking years, 10 more years of this shit. 10 more fucking years to get like that, but then it's, 10 years ago, it's like joining the Army.

Like, I'm out joining because it's four years. How quick that this nine years in comedy go? Really, really. You could have gotten two degrees right now. You could have been an attorney, a fucking president. You know, but you'll always go. I don't have four years for law school.

Bitch, it's going to blurp. It's crazy. It's crazy. How fast it goes. And all of a sudden you're like, wow, I've been to Fort Worth five times. This is bizarre. Yeah, no. And then you have to start thinking like that.

Wait a second. I've been doing comedy 10 years and I've been a fourth word five times. I've got to up my. game. I got to get to Pirates, Texas. I got to get somewhere else because, and that's, you just keep challenging yourself. It's not about, listen, you can be mad at all those bookers that don't talk to you or don't pick up your emails. I was. I'm going to tell you what a better feeling is when they have to hire you. And now you walk into the club and they're like, we're happy to have you. And they start giving you that backbellant bullshit. And you give them that

look. It's like that look you give your ex-wife's husband a dinner. I'm saying? Like you might be banging up. I put carrots in her ass. I'm saying like you got the upper hand. Like you know that look, right, Natalie? You know that look. I've never heard that saying and I'm obsessed with it. It's not a saying. That's a real experience of the head. Think about it. Have you put carrots in someone's ass before? No, but it's part of one of my ex-wife, my first ex-wife, we went to war. And one day in passing, she was telling me that when she lived in Tempe,

that the guy next door was putting carrots in his girlfriend's asshole, and I made a mental note of that. Like, this is- That's crazy. This is 1984. But I ended up marrying this girl, and we had a child custody battle. Okay. I still don't talk to my daughter over like 25 years old with this dirty bitch. So when I beat her in court the last time, as we were walking out,

She was walking out with her then boyfriend. A guy who had like a range rover. He wore like the sweaters around his shirt. He couldn't handle what I had coming up. And after court, we were walking out. And I go, Kathy, tell him how I used to put carrots in your ass. And bro, it was on. She turned around, what?

Yeah, tell him. And I just kept talking over her. Tell him I used to put carrots in your ass, little ones, big ones. Fucking all of them. And I would, John, John, you put a carrot in her ass? It's a fucking party. And I just kept going. Because it was five years of me getting tortured by this woman.

And she was tortured me because I had two felonies. And the third felony would be 25 years. And I'm like, I'm not going to get involved in this shit. And finally when they said, you know what, I'm fucking taking them down. And that's exactly what I did. I went after the boyfriend, smacked them. And the court got thrown out of court. So this is five.

You smacked him? Fuck yeah. But I smacked them in the city limits of Boulder. And you can't use a racial reference. So he called me a spick and I smacked him So he got thrown out of court So they had to walk out of court with a black eye Her crying

And I said And I'm like Hey Tell about the carrots in your ass Tell him about Easter Sunday I would just I was just fucking going off And it got to the point where he walked away from him

That was the best Yeah That was the best And that was me letting her know Motherfuck I want Okay you ran your game for five years but like again the motive like the man says what's the dude saying in that movie

you could shoot 25 motherfuckers why shoot 25 motherfuckers and you got to shoot one where I run down there and shoot one we can walk down there and shoot them all right that's a different that's a different one all right no this is like you know it's an old expression this is the same thing it's like when your ex-wife calls you up and go let's go to dinner with my new man you're like okay and she's like

looking at him with a bow tie you're like uh you fucking faggot. I used to tie her up and spit her mouth to all this crazy shit. Did you do crazy shit? No! No! No, no, no. I was talking to a friend of mine before. And we're talking about putting ice cubes in your mouth. He's a girl's pussy, right? And how you... You ever get that done to you? No, I've never... Tremendous. Really?

Yeah, just have him put the ice cube in his mouth and lick your little monkey. It numbs it. And then they pop it. And then what you do is you pop the ice cube in your monkey, suck it out and give it to you to suck on front. a little while. So we get that sexual connection, you know what I'm saying? I like how he just said he hadn't done anything freaky. No, you obviously have. No, no, yeah, in my youth.

Okay, okay. I can't do that shit to my wife. She don't approve. Why? Are you fucking crazy? She's a Christian and shit. I tell my wife want to put ice cube in her ass. It's all over to shop. You got to find the right woman to do that shit with. But yeah, you did that girl.

all the worst thing I did with we used to do coke and fuck. But that was it. I never did nothing. I never tied her up and nothing like that. I didn't find out about that until I became a comedian. You learn that shit on the road. A woman tell you, tie me up. Spit in my mouth. You know, fucking do all this nasty

shit. It's a different world. That is. I'm a Catholic. I don't want to smack a girl in the face. Like, smack me in the face. What the fuck is wrong with you? I had a girlfriend. I punched her so hard. New Year's Eve, she couldn't go out. She couldn't go out

New Year's Eve. Why? Because she wanted me to tie her up and punch her in the face. You went a little too hard. Well, she can call me a faggot. Smack me, you faggot. Oh my God. I'm a Catholic. You finally ought to let go. New Year Z's got that one eye. She's wearing sunglasses.

She's the one that showed to Tampa. Crazy Carol. Crazy Carol. Yeah, Crazy Carol. That was a girl I started. date when I was 32. I'm going to tell you something. Like you're from this area.

I went to, you know, what's that place that we used to go to his kids? I know you heard about it over there. The fact bar in the city. I used to talk about on stage. Oh, damn. In the meatpacking district. With a guy dancing outside with a dick.

Yeah. What the fuck was? I saw a guy in a tub once with a sign that to spit on me. And people walked that, no, one of those. It was three floors. It was lesbians on the second floor. New York was buck wild. Ramrods was a gay guy

in the village by the meatpacking district. Holy shit. The things you saw in there, but what are you going to do them to? You got to find the perfect fucking animal. Then cocaine came along. And cocaine, women will let you do trippy things when they did coke. And that was okay.

It was just okay. But I started dating Carol when I was 32. I'm going to tell you something. The first month, that bitch blew my fucking mind. Really? Yeah, the sugar down. at 25. She had gone around the world. So she's like, I'm up forever for whatever you're up. Anal, my eyeballs, whatever. Like she was in, in. And I was like, this is crazy.

Wow. She would go to the store by her own Vaseline. That's a woman, Jack. When they buy their own Vaseline, they tell you they got it on sale. Look, I got the Vaseline on sale for a dollar off. But one time I was with him now I'd tell you this because you like all this creepy shit. I do. Well, how do you know I like creepy shit? Because I watch your material.

I watch your jokes and shit. And there was this little cave in Seattle. It was like a river that you went to. And it was like a cave. And you just walked out into the river. You wanted to get wet or whatever. And there was other caves. Wait.

Where is it? This is Seattle, Washington. Okay. There's just a cave in a river? Circa, 1988. You go to this resort and it's just a river, but they made like little caves, like just like a bungalow. But it's in the rock.

It's in the stone. Okay, okay. So it took like bulldozer and took it out. And you put your towel in there if you don't want to be in the sun. That's nice. So we're in there and we're drinking wine, cool, or smoking dope. We're doing a couple lines of coke. It's two in the afternoon.

It's the Lord's Day. Lovely. Bikini's on. And she's sitting there with this style of bikini. She said something to me. She was pissed about something. And she turned around. It's like, fuck you.

but she was looking at the river, and her ass was right here. And I'm drinking this wine cooler. I'm looking at her ass. I'm drinking this wine cooler, and I go, it's going to get heavy now. I just took the wine cooler and slith her little thong. I just started playing with the wine cooler and her monkey, just to see what happened, right?

To see if she'd go, don't do that. She didn't say nothing. I just kept doing it, and finally I saw it. It went in her, and I was just, like, pushing the bottle in and out, like a lunatee, and I'm starting to get fucking hot and sticky. she's all fucking hot and sticky and next thing I look at the bottle and as I pull out

blood comes into the bottle like the suction pulled out a period I didn't know this and I fainted I fucking fainted because I thought I caught a pussy that's 20 years that's 20 fucking years that's 20 fucking years

that's like putting a dildo in somebody's in the 80s what happened the guy put a hot dog in his ass and was frozen it broke so he had to go to emergency room to take the hot dog out of his head that's so scary Natalie, you got it. You want it. You want it. You got it. I'll give it to you. Yeah. So, yeah, they used to fags used to put hot dogs in the frozen hot dogs and the hot dogs are break.

Why? I don't know, because they were frozen and you have a warm ass. I don't know. They're like one of those Arabs on Times Square making a hot dog. I don't know nothing. And they have to go to the hospital and take the other piece of hot dog removed out of their ass. Well, next time you want to laugh. hook up with a fucking emergency room doctor and take him out to dinner and start asking them creepy or quiet what's the craziest thing you've seen and they'll tell you some shit sex stuff that's the craziest shit they see a woman swallowed a ball like one of those balls they put in your mouth he was tired what was the last time you blush Natalie you don't seem like someone

who blushes a lot but you're turning both of you're turning bright red Natalie's thinking about who she's going to make do this to her she's going on I got to find fucking victim. I do. I need to find a hot dog in a There's hot dog's right there. There we go. They cook.

They'll bend. They'll be like a dead dick. You're looking like if you want to. And I think they would get those, oh, they put pepperonies up their ass. That's why they would break. Pepperoni, that's thicker. I know.

And it would break in their ass. Like a bunch of Italian gay guys in Brooklyn. Oh my God. Oh, yeah. There's a whole world out there. You haven't touched on that. It's fucking waiting for you. I feel so naive.

No, you're hell on wheels yourself. You were saying something. About a month ago, I watched something that you were making love to a guy and he said something. And you're like, we'll do it this. I'm like, what the fuck is she talking? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what it was. No, no, no, no, no, no.

What the fuck were you saying? I know what you're talking about. I know the other joke about that you woke up and you farted and sperm was in your ass or something like that. I'm like, what the fuck is she talking about? You woke up drunk and you didn't know if you had sex, but then you farted. And something came up. I was dying. I'm like, fucking Natalie.

How did you come up with that one, Natalie? It happens. She lives life, dog. I don't know. Just thought of it. The last thing you want to do is look up with Natalie because eventually somewhere, she's going to come up on her act. Yes. You're going to come up as a 22nd man or something like that.

Do any guys get mad at you? Like, don't tell, don't talk about this? They'll be like, really? That was your experience. Oh, they think they killed them? That's where you really laugh. When girls talk to you. You're like, oh my God, I want to with this guy last week.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had cologne on. He took Viagra. His dick wouldn't come out. It was, and that's, I couldn't even imagine. I have a friend. And she told me she wanted to date with a guy. And she goes, we were hot to try it, ready to fuck.

I didn't know. She goes, I brought Cuban food. And she goes, when he came in the room, he smelled the Cuban food, he passed out. He couldn't smell it. It got him sick. like whenever I smell like Indian food I get the same thing like

when I went up to those buildings up there they used to make like a paste I wanted to taste it smelled good but it was like I don't even know what I'm talking about I'm the guy who passed out the smell of Cuban food America yeah he's passed out but why?

I don't know he was sick or something like that he just passed out the ambulance had to continue magnet you're gonna hook up with a guy and then he just passes out like low sugar or some shit is he smelled are you sure that's why passed out. That's what she told me. Right, right.

It's just so rough, man. But I, I admire you. I admire a lot of women comics because I fucking know how hard is. And I know a girl like you walks into a comedy club makes you know she's got 20 helpers that want to help her write material. We'll get you to the top. Oh, that's right together. Yeah, let's do this. Oh, my God.

Yeah. So keep in touch with me. Let me know what's going. I'm always. was watching you. You're the best. I came clean with you tonight. I've been watching you. Yes, yes. And I haven't seen you in years.

I know. That's my girl. Oh. So when I heard you were doing the benefit, I was kind of happy. But I was mad at you. But I forgive you. Thank you for being honest. Yeah.

No more boyfriends on the road. Exactly. They stay or you keep in the hotel room. Shut your fucking mouth. Stay in the fucking room. After a show. Mama gets back. Stay in the room and iron those panties for mama.

Exactly. You got any dates you want to plug now? Yeah, I've got my Europe tour coming up, starting in April 26, and then I'll be in Europe in the UK. And then I also have Portland, Maine this coming weekend, and then Charlotte, North Carolina, the weekend after that. Not when you're leaving me? How long?

Yeah. I'm going to be away for a couple weeks. Are you doing comedy in Israel? No. What's the problem? That's a big money. You know, it's just not on my list. You can be a little helmet on?

You do it under the dome, you know what I'm saying? The lights. Look at the lights. You know, not really thinking about that these days. I would love to do a show in Israel. You would? Oh, fuck yeah. Well, I'm sure you could if you wanted.

I had no passport. The felonies, what? Oh, wait, you can't leave the... No, I got to get a new passport. They won't give it to me because I got a felony warrant in Seattle. Why? Because I put the bottle on that girl's pussy. No.

I had a warrant. This is 95 for a cell. Were you afraid the bottle broke, but it was. didn't. That's what I thought. It was a, I thought it cracked and it cut her. That would be terrifying. When her and I broke up, we fought on a, on a fucking street in Hollywood, off the sunset. She had mace in one hand and had a pot roast in the other. And I was going to hit it with the fucking pot roast if I get my hands on. Mace and a pot roast? She had Mace shooting at me and I had a pot roast, you fucking bitch. Don't you hit me with that fucking mace. That is amazing.

You guys always fought with food. There was soup, Montrose, mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes. No, that's the mashed potato chick, Poki. That's her name, Stacey Pocoluto. Poki. She's a publicist.

Not a good cook. Anytime you want to come on, you got an open anything. Dinner, lunch, you know, wine bottles. We love you here. You're the best. I love you. Thank you for coming on. Lee, what do you got, baby boy?

Thursday night. I think I'm with you at the dojo and then I'm at Grizzly Parr's. Saturday I'm headlining Parkville Market in Hartford. We're right. Headlining. Oh, yeah.

Look at Lee Lee. Trying. It's a brewery. It's fun. I've done it twice before and it's a lot of fun. Really excited. Well, I love you guys.

I got nothing. We got the Nashville Comedy Festival at the Riemann Theater, November 18th. September. That sold out, Brooklyn. And that's it. And then I got April.

April 15th. And then I got surgery on the 23rd. And I'll be playing Twitch with Natalie by May 5th. By the time she gets back from Europe, we'll be doing it. Because I got a new, Fannie got me a new PlayStation, too. Oh, yeah? Going all in. Nice.

All in. I got to learn how to do this shit. Yes. Thank you. You're beautiful. Love you guys. Have a great week. Stay black.