The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Kick that mule Lee!

Episode Date: March 18, 2025

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt Solo! Joey and Lee talk about how much their lives have changed on the five year anniversary of the pandemic, Joey tells Lee where he almost moved instead of New Jersey, and Joey busts Lee's balls like the old days. Support the show and try BlueChew for free, just pay $5 shipping. To get started, visit https://www.bluechew.com Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook app and using code JOEY. New customers can bet $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/diaz  

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You know what I'm saying? Then you really fucking knock people. a lot. And I want to thank Blue Choo for sponsoring the show. Welcome back to show! We're back, bitches. It's a beautiful Tuesday to be alive. It's just me and Lee today. Just how

you like it. You know, you guys you put a fucking girl on here, you don't like her. You put a penguin on here. You don't like him. You know, you guys don't like nobody. Who's a penguin? Huh? Who is the penguins? I don't fucking know. I get emails. Why'd you put the girl? What the fuck? How many boys

can you put on here? How much dick can you smell? You know what I'm saying? You got to bring a woman in here to give it that fucking touch from time to time. I love having women in here because, listen, I learned from them. She was great last week. Yeah. So was the Italian princess came in here and enlightened us.

You guys are, right? Why does it have to be a girl on this show? Well, it's better than looking at a fucking guy all night. What the fuck is wrong with you people? But anyway, the co-host tonight is the man himself. He was a little fucked up the last two shows.

I wonder why. Today, he went to a rehab. He went to a meeting and he's making a strong comeback. I wonder why. What the fuck you think? This is the church. This ain't no fucking daycare. We come here to get down. This ain't no.

I know. Why are you saying I was? Like, it's like a big mystery why it was fucked up. You feel like I'm going around New York trying to find this shit. I said, me, I gave him two grams of mushrooms. No, you did not.

Two grams. Maybe two and a half. First of all, you send me pictures of a scale, because I told you, I've been taking three grams on the road for a year. I know what it looks like, and it doesn't look like those. It's time to break that. Three grams is time.

Well, then tell me what I'm doing. Don't say I'm taking a gram when I know I'm taking four to five. Then, last week was the best. We got them on a timer now. You fake the timer. There's no timer. Because it is the biggest store. All of a sudden he wants to tell you stories 20 years ago.

He looks around. I'll fucking give him a cheetahe. He'll wolf that thing down, okay? Give him a mushroom. He's looking around. Yeah. I think anyone watching this would wolf down on cheeseburger before.

Last week we brought the meatballs from specialia. The meatball kin out in Rutherford. This fucking guy, I go get a piece of bread with a meatball, just put the mushroom in there. What does he do? He's sitting there cutting the meatball. I didn't cut a meatball. It's going to take him two fucking years.

I took one piece of bread. I put the mushroom underneath and I put the meatball on top. And eat it. This is every week. Just now we gave two little pieces. Two little pieces. And three pieces of chocolate. Guys.

Listen, my lawyer's here. I ate the fucking two grams and the chocolate before him. And that's a fact. He was still over there looking around, dropping it. Yeah, because you eat the mushrooms dry. He squeezes it with his fucking... Juicy fucking sweaty ants. You know, what the fuck you think is going to happen?

I never said that. You don't eat mushrooms quicker than me. You do eat mushrooms quicker than me. But when it comes down to a cheeseburger, you fucking beat me or a pizza. Fuck you. And I told him. I said, listen, you want to eat the mushrooms? mushrooms with no drama, put it in the

pizza and fold it. Where's the pizza? I don't see any pizza. When we have pizza, you're like, I don't know. I'm going to eat these 25 milligrams when he's not in training. That's all they sell. You can't get it. No, hold on. You tell you, every week, take edibles, take edibles, and the strongest they sell in the, between Massachusetts and New York is 25 apiece, maybe a 50. I've been taken at least, I'm not eight. He takes them with his girlfriend, they rub each other's back. We don't rub them. And they watch them.

some fucking movie on Lifetime or some shit. First of all, Lifetime has some good programming. Don't tell me. We got no lifetime here. We go for the kill here, Lee. There's the kill shot. Yeah, but I'm going to go out every night. I can't go out.

Fucked up everything. Yesterday had a half a chocolate bar. I buy those GMO things. This is a syringe. I can't smoke anymore. So I went to the weed store a couple weeks ago. And he goes, Joey, if you can't smoke, put the syringe in with that GMO.

Indica. Oh, RSO? Holy shit. That's good. I just had that. Dog, I've been putting it out. The other night. Last Tuesday, it was like 70 degrees out.

I sat there from one to five. My wife left. They went to do a thousand things. They came back. I was still sitting there. She's like, you're enjoying the sun, huh? I go, I'm too fucked up to get up. What, enjoying the sun?

I'm fucked up. Dog, hours. Fucked up out there. Just in my life. little rocking chair, the cat kept coming out. I would pet him, and then he'd go in. Then he'd come out. Daddy, come back. No, I'm too fucking high.

I want to see the devil. That's training on a Tuesday. Yeah, okay, that's great for you. First of all, I have a day job, which is fine, but I also, I'm out on the, everyone, you keep telling people to mug me. I'm not home by 9.30. I'm never home by 9.30. 930, mama gives you cookies. No, I'm not a home by 930.

Jesus Christ. 9.30. I've been home in 9.30 in six months. I'm back. I'm home now. What's fucking 9.30? I'm never. What the fuck?

Gallup face? Midduck, sucker. Oh, 9.30. He lives a good life this fucking dude. Clearly. I do live a good life, but I'm also not home at 930. Yes, you are. He taking 5 milligrams.

I am not. Last night, yesterday. I didn't do shit Friday night and do shit Saturday. So Sunday I woke up. I go, I'm going deep today. I went to the gym. I did this thing. I ate a half a bar with that fucking...

I put the whole syringe on it. I'm up to the whole syringe, and I just... How long has it been a week? 35. Just one big fucking squirt. I ate that chocolate. Let me tell you something. Then I went to my buddies,

and I brought mushrooms with me, and I ate it with a corned beef sandwich with the cabbage. I was fucked up last night. I woke up this morning. I couldn't even talk. I was so fucked up. And I got right back up, wash my pussy,

and I got out there. Before I went to the dentist, I went to the gym, rode the bike. I was a little dizzy from the THC. When I got to the dentist, even my friend said to me, Joe, you look a little out of it today. And I told, I grew up with us. I don't have to lie to it.

I said, I got fucked up last night. First of all, this is for everyone who doesn't know. This is what they give cancer patients. And how long is that tube supposed to last? Two days. No, it is not two days. Whatever. Second of all, this is why you have such a high tolerance.

They don't give those a cancer patient. Yes, they do give. That's exactly what it's forward. This is why medical marijuana exists. At least I won't get cancer. I'm way ahead of fucking dead. Okay, so you got to beat the cancer. So why let it get to you?

Then you're going to start doing it too. Beat it now. This is not to beat cancer. Well, what do you bring cancer up for? Because it's a- You're the kids of fucking death. Also, now you're going to blame me if you get it? No, but I'm just saying who brought cancer up.

You did, cock-up. That is true. I'm very sorry. I'm fucking believable. Just eat the fucking. fucking mushroom. And they're been gone for half an hour. We might eat some more just to show people how slow it takes.

That's what we do it. He wanted to do a video tonight of me doing a reaction to some black guy eating a rat. I'm not doing it. Okay? I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. We're going to have a fucking, we're going to do a video tonight after this of how long it takes leave.

I'm not even more mushrooms. Why not? It's one more little tiny, fucking ground. Watch how long it takes them. It takes me a while. I don't like that. on there and soft. First of all, it's honey, which he never brings in.

I brought honey last week. Yeah, I knew you're going to say this. You brought mushroom honey. You're the only person in the world who gets high on edibles and then it's like, I have the munchies. Oh, let me eat some more edibles. No, I don't, then you don't, what do you look? And it's fucked up.

We're in training, Lee. You can't keep saying that for what? We're in training, dog. Eight, nine, ten years because we're in training. You don't know what's going to happen. You don't know what's going to happen. What if, well, any day now, Russia is just going to kill Ukraine. They're running out of money.

That's all. That's almost over. And I'm not over there. Enough with this Ukraine shit. It's Big Bank, eat little bank. We've been doing it for 2,000 years. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Well, let's say if they get Ukraine. Right. They're going to come up to the fucking Jews next. What if they catch you? You want to be trained. What if they start shoving you? If they start shoving you with edible.

Listen, when Russia reaches the U.S. borders, I'll take as many mushrooms as you want. All right. Well, don't come crying to me. Because they're going to be giving me mushrooms. I don't feel nothing. like that yahu you could keep fucking sticking it to me cock sucker but you're gonna be there way and I need a cheese cracker I need a half a meatball no there's no fucking meatballs in raza

okay yeah because they don't have me they're fucking greg cuck sucker oh Jesus Christ I live with anyway I'm so sorry I'm a positive no you're so sorry didn't get to it cuck sucker you're in training training means we're Marines we're not in the Navy we're not in the Coast Guard we're not the army we're fucking Marines. We go in there first. So, that's the deal. We're the ones that go in there, they get blown up, and lit on fire. So, get it together. So I'm pre-lighting myself on fire?

Sure. Why not? You're Jewish. You know? You got to be prepared, you got to be prepared for the unexpected. You got to be prepared for the unexpected. Look at all the Jew ain't going on in the world right now. You don't know. You might be walking down the street in one of these... You keep saying that one guy keeps messaging me. You get mugged yet? You get mugged yet? You get mugged yet? You get mugged yet? You get mugged yet? You get mugged yet? You're going to get hit in the head. I don't want to get hit in the head. One of those college students from Columbia that hates Jews all of a sudden. All of a sudden he's going to have three beers and him's going to clock you in the head with three of his little faggy friends.

And don't come crying to me the next day. That's all I'm saying. I apologize. I don't know if you people have been paying attention. I've been paying attention to this because it really, it's a fucking great question to ask yourself. Today, basically, the 14th was five years since the pandemic started. Today was official when they shut everything down. Five years ago, New Yorkers are going crazy. You know what? St. Patty's Day? You're done. Go drink at home.

You know what I'm saying? Go drink and puke at fucking home. Same difference. But it's crazy. That's been five years ago. Now I'm not here to talk about Fauci or the pandemic or the fucking shot. I don't give a fuck. But it's so weird.

Like, I want you guys to think about five years ago, how much your life has changed? It's crazy. take the pandemic out of it. It's my life is completely like if you had asked me, if you told me this is what my life would be, I wouldn't have believed you. It's completely different.

There's almost, the only thing that's the same is this. And everything else is different. And it's, I'm not going to say not everything is better, but at least for me, I'm very, like luckily, I'm like, it's like a thousand times better

than I would have imagined. What were you going through when they said everything shut down? We were living in L.A. I have no idea really what I was, but I was close to 300 pounds, if not over it. Over it. Well, the thing is,

I don't think so, because by December of that year, it was 336. So between March and December, so probably close. Yeah, the pandemic killed us. But I was single. I was.

I wasn't very happy. But the weird thing is, like, I thought I was. I didn't think I was unhappy. There were parts of my life that I wasn't happy with, but I didn't think, like, this is probably the happiest I've been that I can remember in my adult life, which is crazy. But, like, comedy was, I was having a blast at comedy. But honestly, not, I wasn't tired of it, but it was just,

I was really only doing open mics. and that can get a little bit old. And I was single and living in L.A. And it's, my whole life has done like a complete 180. How has your mind changed since that? Well, it's kind of hard. I have like two different minds. I have like a stand-up mind and like a personal mind.

My personal mind, I feel like I've gotten stronger. I've had some good and bad shit happen that like I feel like I'm definitely stronger. But I've just, we were talking before the podcast started about experience. And it's just until you experience certain things, you don't know how you're going to deal with it or who you're going to be. And like moving, like this move that I did over the last six months has been like a lot of good and a lot of bad and a lot of like just not easy. Like it's not that my life was easy. easy in L.A., but it was a lot more comfortable.

Really? Yeah. I mean, yeah, we did the podcast twice a week. I was in the same apartment for six years, and I wasn't really challenging myself, I guess? No, we all got comfortable. Yeah. And I, like, you know, the weight loss, you can say, I joined

a gym two weeks ago, which I would have, you begged me for years to do that, and I never would, I just... I went to a class, looked, and I went to two classes. I went to a yoga class, which I thought was going to be easy. Turns out yoga is not fucking easy. And then I went to a class the next day that made yoga look really fucking easy. But I, dude, I can't tell you, take comedy out of it.

How happy I... I don't know if anyone else watching this can relate to it. And it doesn't have to be New York. But for me, it's New York. for me New York has like always been the place I wanted to be and so for me like I like I'll just like like I'm gonna be I was waiting at the train station yesterday before a set and like there was a band playing in the train

and this is you're gonna make fun of me but like I got I teared up a little bit and I like I'm not really a crier but like I don't know man just there's something about if if 16 year old me saw where like where I was like he would be really fucking excited for what and I don't know how excited he would have been looking at 31 year old me you know it's uh it's been pretty crazy and it's crazy because it's a lot changed in five years but it's also been like the last year has changed a lot I think for both of us I mean I'm completely different person you know last week I was thinking about like fuck it's the same as the year

the pandemic. The 14th was on a Friday when I got the call that was shutting down the movies and the store and all that. And then Monday it was official. And I remember when, you know, you guys are going to think I'm fucking crazy. I was doing four theaters a weekend.

Right? Two podcasts, four fucking planes. I was trying to raise a daughter and I was fucked up three quarters of the day. Fucked up. Edibles, getting up at seven, doing 18 bong, it's, it was just too much.

And it was, you think you're happy. You're picking up money. You're doing stand-up. Your sets are good. The store was fucking at its best ever. Yeah. But I'll never forget the day they said, like, we're done. And, like, I just was like, thank fucking God.

And they were like, yeah, I might open up in June. Not for me. Like, after, like, the third day, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And I knew I was leaving already. I knew this was the perfect opportunity. When I came back here to shoot the soprano movie, I'm like, what the fuck am I doing in L.A.?

I really was, I would come over to eat at night over here, and I would be home by 9. I would go, what the fuck am I doing in L.A.? And then I went back, and that pandemic hit, and I was like, thank God. and they would call me like, do you want to reschedule your dates? And I'm like, leave me the fuck alone. I'm not rescheduleing shit.

Call me when this is over. Oh, well, it's going to be over in September. You better be prepared. Then they kept calling you to go to Florida and Texas because they were wide open. Like two weeks after the pandemic, like, yeah, go to Texas. Agents are calling you. I guess Pennsylvania was doing comedy. I'm like, guys, I'm like, guys, I'm,

I don't think you heard me. I ain't going nowhere. And they were like fucking getting pissed. Really? Oh, because I was like, they're like, what do you want to do about these dates in July? Do you want to keep them? Do you want to reschedule them?

Cancel them. And they're like, what do you mean? I go cancel them. Give them their money back. Don't reschedule. And then I moved in August. And I remember that I went to a party. This is already open.

not full, but it was kind of open. Okay. And I went to a party at the Florentine's house. And the sister goes, she goes, I was there last week at Parks Casino. And they still got your flyer up. You're going on next week. And I was furious. I went home and called the agent.

I go, give them their fucking money back. Whoa, you're there? You might know. Give them their fucking money back. I got so uncomfortable during the pandemic. Yeah, you really really. Oh, I was uncomfortable. I was irritable. I didn't want to hear it. I was sick of living in L.A. Like, I was just done. Like, I was done. Like, for me, the pandemic was a fucking godsend.

And no part of you, and Parks is a different story because it's a big deal and it's like a big place. But like no part of you that like wanted to get on stage just to like get that out of your system? I was burnt the fuck out. And I had no idea what it felt to be. burnt out, and I was burnt out emotionally, physically, and mentally. Like, my body was done. The anxiety was up to a different level. I was popping the Xanaxes, and the Xanaxes were giving me anxiety. No?

Yeah, they were like fuel. It just bounced. It's called the bounce of some shit. And I couldn't focus. I could not focus. I just remember Ari coming to the house and me going, when is this kid going to leave? Like, I can't have me. I couldn't have people in the house. There was no fucking way I could have people that close to me. What was fueling the anxiety or the burnout? The burnout was 10 years of not stopping.

Dog, I didn't take a vacation. You know me, dog. I'm not one of those guys that we're going to start now and take a 12-day vacation to Hawaii. First off, it ain't going to work out for you. Because I see everything in three days. After three days, if I didn't see it, We'll catch it next time.

I ain't got time for 12 fucking days, you know. That was my mentality. You know, I'm a basketball guy. If you're not practicing, somebody else is. Absolutely. Okay, if you're on the beach, ha, ha, ha, ha, for 12 days. There's a motherfucker out there that's practicing all day. And you're down there hanging out with flipper.

That works for three days from Uncle Joey. I don't drink. You know, I don't drink. So after, like, one drink, the sun hits you. I got a migraine. that ship sailed. You go to the water, you know, you see some people,

you go to a restaurant, time to go home. I got to make money. You know, that was always my mentality. Right. I don't understand people going to vacate. I never understood it. We ain't got time because I don't want to hear you coming to me.

I don't know what's going on my life. Bitch, you went on two vacations. You went on two vacations for 18 days. One for a fucking wedding for nine days. Who the fuck are you? My main thing was like, who the fuck are you to go on a vacation? When you got a million dollars, then you go on vacation, because you don't have to worry about it. But you go on a vacation by the eighth day, you're like, this is going on the visa card.

And I just lost 10 days of work with my family, and they're at Disney robbing me blind. Yeah. You know, that's all you're thinking about. But these are the same people that are coming to you in three years. I don't know what's going on in my business. Well, every summer you go down the shore. Like, you fucking earned it. or you're Johnny Bambi

You're not Johnny Bambi You got to work bitch You know So I never understood that Has your mindset changed over the five years? Fuck no Okay I still don't want to go anywhere

For more than three fucking days I got shit to do Okay Who's gonna sit there You know when you're 90 Maybe you could sit there With your feet up Like those dudes in a fucking

Corona commercial You know Snoop Dog and the white dude They just I can't do that But knowing what you know Knowing that you burnt out Do you wish you took I'm not saying 14 days in the south of France.

I wish I would have took in time to smell the roses more, but that still didn't mean vacation. What I mean by that is maybe going to a concert a week at the Hollywood Bowl. I should have taken Dean Delray up for more concerts, maybe going to do a couple sporting events. I should have done that. But I had so many people that cry in L.A. So many people cry in life.

I never wanted to be one of those guys. somebody offers you money, they offer you a $400 a gig. Can you imagine 10 years from now you're fucking $400 short on the rent and you're like, I should have taken that gig? That's how I think. Did you see Bill Burr's special yet? Yeah, put some pieces of it. Because his whole thing, like a big part of it was like how he changed his point of view

or his relationship with his wife. And it was, you know, it was interesting why I thought the special was really good. but, you know, changing your perspective. So, like, now that you're starting to do more stand-up again, are you going to smell the roses more? Are you going to do anything? I have a daughter. That's my rose.

That's my rose. Where am I going to fucking go? Like, you know, you have to be around them when they're young. You got to be there, not they grow up like everybody else. Fucking half-retarded. I don't know what my daddy is. You know, I don't want to live through that shit. That's my biggest fear for how to have daddy issues.

I lived in L.A. for 23 years. Everybody I met had daddy issues, and you could fucking see it. So that's my rose. Yeah, spend time with her. But at the same time, you know I was spending time with her before L.A. Of course. You know, I was always there during the week. On the weekends, I was gone, and she told me.

She told me when she was seven. You got to stop. And I said, you're right. You're right. I got shit. Like right now, I got shit people offering me. I ain't missing a softball game. Why would I?

I don't want to miss a fucking softball game. Whatever you got to off me, because every time I'm at a softball game on a Saturday or Sunday, I always ask myself to check myself. Where would I rather be right now? And you're at, you put yourself through scenarios. I'd rather be in a Chinese orgy doing fucking,

shooting up morphine and just sitting there with my mouth open. That sounds like fun But I'd rather be here Okay So that's how I feel Like I don't, I can't sit in a hotel room All day on a Saturday

Ever again Like ever again Well, I did it for 30 fucking years I did it for 30 years To wake up on a Saturday Have a great breakfast Take a walk around the town And now it's 1 o'clock

And your show is at 8 o'clock And you got to sit in your hotel room Or maybe go to a movie And then you call home and my wife's out with the girls and they're jumping up and down, the kids are yelling, and you've got to sit in your lonely hotel room

listening to these kids having a good time. Right. You know, so that was my, that was my smell of the roses. Ever since they put me in a fucking hospital a month ago, two months ago, three months ago, I looked at my wife and I go, this is completely different.

So I changed my perspective. This is completely different now. You know, I always love my wife. I mean, you know, I like to strangle her sometimes, I love my wife 25 years, but yeah, you have to look at things a lot differently. But that shit I was doing in L.A., like,

I told you, I would take it a boxing class or whatever, kickboxing. I get 16 calls in 45 minutes. I have to get up and go out and get it. And it was for nothing. Nothing. You could tell me this shit later. Nothing.

Once I realized it, I'm like, I'm not picking up these phones calls no. more. Let them fucking call 80 times. I'm not picking it up no more. 16, 17 phone calls in 45 fucking minutes. Hi, you have a gig in two months or

don't know what music you want? Listen. Nah. Go fuck you. They bother you. They fuck. And then the agent's putting desperation in you. Oh, we got a gig for you. You got to take it. Gotta take this gig. And I'm like, no. No. I just

It just was something that I just fell apart. That's what really happened. During the pandemic, I just fucking fell apart. I was like, I remember still getting on stage here. It was an outdoor show. I didn't know you did one of those. I went out there and I see bats flying around this shit.

There's a fucking something moving in the weeds and I'm like, I got up there and I had to look around the whole time. You could see mosquitoes were biting me and shit. I'm like, I'm not doing this. I ain't doing stand up for a while. I didn't do it for a long fucking time. And then after I got back on stage, guess what? What?

Still didn't want to do it. That's crazy. Couldn't even break through like a barrier of, couldn't even break through, couldn't think of material, couldn't be funny, couldn't even, didn't even care. Then I stopped again for like another 11 months. I'm like, I'm not getting on fucking stage. I was done, guys. And I'm done now.

Like, I could, people offer me shit all the time. Movies. And I'm like, fucking, I gotta go all the way up there and do that and listen to that nonsense. If it's like a high-end fucking movie that I'm like the shit in the movie, yeah, because I'm learning something.

But for me to do a movie, four fucking people I don't know and go away for four days, I'm not doing that no more. I just don't. I just don't, you know. If it's something exciting, like Tom Cruise and I'm pushing them off a plane or something,

I'm making it. Fuck, I would love to Tom Cruise push that motherfucker off a plane. And I love him. I'm just saying that that's what I want to do. I don't want to do no fucking, they want me to go to Vegas to be a mobster. I'm not doing that the second week of July. Get the, it's 140 degrees. You know, and I got to shoot.

Fuck you. I'm not doing that shit. I'd rather not have insurance. Jesus Christ. I'd rather not have insurance. I'd rather pay the money than have to put up with that. I want to do something that's cool. Right.

You know? Stand up, same thing. If you think I'm leaving for a Thursday or Saturday, you got rocks in your fucking head. I'll tell you it, but I'm going to leave

Thursday night after the show. Jesus. I'll know that once I start thinking about it, I'm like, I'm not staying here Friday and Saturday. I'm catching the first flight

out of here in the morning and that's what I, because I know me. Right. At least you do. That's what changed me after the podcast. I got a little bit more patience.

I wanted to be around my family a lot more. I want to be, you know, I was out there in the wild for 23 years with those savages. And there was a lot of people that I really had a good time with in L.A. And there was a lot of people who meant the world to me in L.A. But there was a lot of motherfuckers I didn't like. A lot more than what I liked. Do you know what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah, of course. Like I liked a certain amount of people. I feel more comfortable, not of them in Jersey, you know. Okay. And this is the comfort I needed. There was no way I was going to pick up after L.A. move to another state. I was not going to happen.

I was not going to leave L.A. The only state I considered over Jersey was Colorado. Wow. But they didn't have no school the whole year. So I was like, I'm going back to Jersey. I can't take my daughter at home for another fucking year. You'll shoot yourself in the head and the computer in the back. Fuck that.

Do you think if Colorado had had school, would you've gone there? Yeah. Whoa. Okay. But I think I would have been here by now. Yeah? Would have been too much? I think I wasn't ready to go and be a stranger again

I didn't want to be a fucking stranger in the land and stuff from scratch and no I'm 60 what am I you know and I love that I live here now where I live is a little on the boring side but that's how I like it you know the other than I heard something outside and there was a deer that crashed into my house

I'm like what the fuck is outside in the yard you know and I enjoy that about it and I enjoy my life now. I don't have much going on down there, which was hard to go from Los Angeles Studio City to just moving down there. It was rough. And I figured it out.

And like ever since the first of the year, I haven't been going out at night. I used to always take a ride. Now I'm not smoking dope, so I don't even take that ride anymore. If somebody calls me from L.A., and I got shit going on, I'll go, you know what?

I'll leave here at seven, and that's four in L.A., and I could still talk to them about whatever they call me. That's the only time I'll take a ride. But I don't really want to hang out at bars anymore. I don't want to do anything. How do you feel not smoking? It was time. It was time.

She's getting older. Kids are starting to come over the house. You know, I smoke all day, guys. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm one of those guys. I don't know how to do it like everybody else. I get up in the morning, I have a cup of coffee, I give it like 30 minutes, and I'm sparking at a quarter of the seven.

Most people are drinking coffee and watching CNN, what's Trump doing today? And I'm already fucking out in the garage, bang, bang, bang. Right. And that's what lets me know what the day is going to bring. Like, as sad as it sounds, man, I don't know what I want to do. And now I'm not smoking. And again, I know what I want to do. and sometimes I just blast off with that syringe.

I was going down and buying one a day. I went down at the other day and bought like, I hate them. I said, give me all of them, dog, because this is going to be a long week. Jesus Christ. Sometimes I put it right on the mushroom. Oh, Lord.

I love, yeah. You always act like you're sober. There's no sober. There's no sober. At all. Which, by the way, these are starting to kick. Saturday I was sober

and Friday night I was sober nothing but Sunday shit it's the Lord's Day you gotta be ready on the Lord Day you gotta be prime I don't give a fuck about the rest of the week

but Sunday it's just a good day to get fucked up early like 10 o'clock do you miss smoking at all yes and no because I'm addicted to this you know to fucking getting the bung and playing with your weed

you know, going to get it, and it's good, and it's 38% and you fucking dry it. You know, I have systems in my house. I have, like, the draw when it's wet. Then I dry it in here. Then it gets promoted to the top shelf. And then I'll smoke it, and I'll have, like, four kinds up here, but I have three kinds down there.

So I have, like, this little game going. Yeah, of course. Now that the little game is over with. Well, you, because you did it, I don't know, 40-something years, 50-something years you smoked? Every day. Do you ever like thing like fuck and I'm just going to smoke?

No, because I don't want to end up back in the hospital. Right. It doesn't make any... Listen, I don't know if that's what it was, but I know that I've been out of the hospital now for two weeks with no problems. I'm not fucking gagging. I'm not choking.

So let's blame it on the smoke for now. Yeah. In six months, I might feel a lot different and shit. I got to do what I got to do, you know? Right. But right now, but who knows? I'm the type of guy that once you're off something for a while,

just go, why am I going to go back to it? I'm already off this for a month. Now I'm going to start this up again. And for me, it wasn't even fun anymore. Right, exactly. Because I had to go down to the weed store every two days and mix the weed around, and you've got to find them.

There's just so much weed in Jersey. So you're looking at three stores every day. I'm looking at three different websites when I wake up in the morning, looking to see who's got the best weed. I don't need that shit no more, man. I just, I'd rather put my energy into whatever the fuck I'm doing now. Right now, I'm just trying to get healthy. I got a couple shows coming up.

I don't want to do the best job I could do. That's it. I have nothing else on my agenda. Everybody else could suck my dick. And how, like, how does it feel? Because, like, I'm trying to compare you to me, or even just you, 10 years into stand-up. Like, now that you have all the power

and all the control. What power and control? Because you can say... Are you talking about it? What do you mean? And I... Maybe not. But to me, in my head,

you could call any club in the world and be like, I want to come in, boom, boom, boom. I want to come in tonight. And you would never bump anybody. No. But you... At least for stand-up,

the world. is open to you. That's the way I look at. I'm sure there's some clubs that might not like you or whatever. I don't like them. Exactly. But like to have that control

and to be able to say no, like to say no to some things that I'm sure you 10 years and what the fuck are you saying no to this for? Here's the secret to this. Here's the secret to this. And you're really going to think about this. We've always had the control.

We just never wanted to impose it. How? And as you, like I told you, I had a rule after the third year of comedy. I don't mind coming into your club and showcasing. But I would make, and I, as, you ever say something, and as you're saying it, you know you're fucking up.

Because I was saying it, I knew I was fucking up. But at the same time, it was saving me six months of my life. And I would call people up and go, how you doing, Sean, Joe Diaz. Yeah, your friend, I want to come in and do a showcase. Well, I'll be there Sunday night. Sean, and I would say just like this, three years in, I'm going to come down there on a Sunday now, I'm going to showcase for you like a gentleman.

When I get off the stage, is there somebody going to be there to give me a weak work of comedy? Now, that's two things. You're already putting a seed in his ear that I want a booking? You know what I'm saying? Like, this is tough to say to somebody. Yeah? And number two, I don't want to get off the stage after I kill, and you tell me some story that you're going to tell the owner.

Right. You're just some $100 a night manager. I'm not going to your fucking club. And they would hang up on me. Holy shit. Some people tell me to go, fuck myself. But I didn't give a fuck. Saved you.

That little control thing was the whole thing that at least I got. Then they started with the other name, send the tape. How many tapes I send in my life? One. And it was blank. Fuck you. We've always had the control.

It's just we don't take it. And then we get pissed off. when people walk all over us. Right. I ran into a situation. I wanted to fucking yell at someone yesterday, but he's associated in a way maybe with a club that I want to work at.

And they're not. Right. They're not because they're bums. And they're going to threaten you and they're going to say, you'll never work here again. And by the time you're rocking and rolling, they're not even in the business, no longer. Like the people that were in the business in 1997,

when I got to L.A. that were laying threats. I'm a manager. I never saw them again in 2008. They got into real estate or into the dot-com business. Right. Yeah, they went into the dot-com. Everybody left, and 99 everybody got into that business, not dot-com, whatever the phone. Yeah, tech.

A lot of those people left. So these people are the ones that pull, like, oh, I don't like when you come to the club and do that. That's control. Anybody who knows a comedian knows, you don't tell me what the fuck to say. Because whatever you tell me not to say, I'm going to go up there and say it first. That's why you don't put no. boundaries on a comedian at all. So when I'm walking into your club

and you're like, oh, excuse me, I don't want no fart jokes and no poopie jokes. Bitch, I'm going to open up with a fart joke just to piss you fucking off. Yeah? Okay, I saw this guy, Kevin Fitzgerald. You two guys are all young except for George. Kevin Fitzgerald had a show on

Animal Planet. He was a vet with white hair. I don't know. You guys remember. Old dude. That dude looks old. That dude will fucking take your throat out. He was in Vietnam. He was one of those crazy motherfuckers in Vietnam. Then he came back on the GI Bill and became a veterinarian. And then somewhere along the line

he became a comic. But before that veterinarian shit, he was the Stone's bodyguard. He was on tour with the Stones when that shit happened. They got stabbed and Altamont and all that shit. Kevin Fitzgerald, you look at him.

He looks a little weird, but that motherfucker got stories. and that motherfucker is dangerous. So in 1993, he was at the Comedy Works, and he did a joke about this is your brain and this is your brain on drugs. Remember, they used to be the egg? And when he got off, say some big guy came up to him,

and he goes, Bill Hicks is here, and you're opening for him. Mr. Hicks said not to do that joke. Next time you opened it, he went back, thought about it, and he goes, fuck Bill Hicks. He went up there and did the joke. The muscle guy came up to him again, and Kevin goes, I would have taken his fucking throat out.

But Bill Hicks came up to him and said, hey, we told you not to do that joke when you did it. You're on tour with me. Fuck, I would have said I wouldn't have done the joke. Guys, you have to somewhere as a comic say, this is what I'm going to do, and if you don't like it, I'm moving the fuck on. But that's why when they tell you, like,

we can't say this at my club? Well, you called me. number one, and number two, I'm saying what I'm fucking saying. And if you don't want to hire me after this, that's fine. Right. But don't you ever fucking tell me what I can and cannot do. Because I've been struggling with, and I don't like feeling like this, but the feeling that I've felt in New York with stand-up is a little bit desperate,

and I don't like feeling like it. But there's just no, it's, you're just kind of out there. You're out there, bro. And it feels like the Titanic. like with the Titanic sank and everyone's in the water. That's where I am right. Oh, well, yeah, right now, right now for sure. But I'm just talking, like, just even comedy-wise,

you're just waiting for someone to help you, do something. And, like, if someone told me I don't want to hear this joke or that, be like, okay, whatever. You know, feel desperate, but always have your fucking boundaries. I don't like feeling desperate. You are a man, and you have your own boundaries. Right. You know, it's like when I stopped doing coke.

I was a complete different comic and a complete different. different individual because I didn't want to ruffle any feathers. God forbid I can't get my package tonight. Right. You follow me? So never mind the club or whatever. I was always concerned about that. Once I took that out of my life, it was completely different for me.

And that's when my career really started because I started telling people, like, this is what I'm doing. Fuck. Yeah, but you've got to work Sunday. Now, if you know only the stories about me, I didn't work Sundays when I was Feature. That's crazy. I don't know fuck themselves.

I'm not working. Tell your mother, would you call your mother that's the attitude you gotta tell people. Can I talk to you for a second? It's Sunday. Would you make your mother

coming here on a Sunday? No. Then why are you making me coming here on a Sunday? Call your mother next time to work a Sunday. And they'll look at you like, it's the truth.

It's like when an agent called you and says, I've an audition for you at 5.30 downtown L.A. Again, would you send your mother down there at 5.30? No, I wouldn't. Then why are you sending me?

call them and get me a decent time and they'll either say no or they'll call and get you a decent time. Right. But like that's where I was going with it because they'll give you a decent time because they like you or they want you. And if you're just a nobody at the beginning, they're like, fuck you. If you don't want to come to 5.30, then fuck off.

Hey, Doug, when I started the store, they used to give me 1 a.m. spots. Right. But it was the store. Of course. Okay, it wasn't Phil's auto garage. You know, at midnight with a bunch of fucking, what do you call those little white kids from Brooklyn? The hipsters. whatever the fuck they call them.

Little fags, whatever, sitting there with the little fucking raccoon eyes or whatever fucking they were. It's completely different. Of course. But I still remember doing open mics at two in the morning, and one day I decided I wasn't going to fucking do it no more. And then I started doing those early ones you do

and they're fucking worse. Hamburger Harriers at 4.30, there's no reason. And the only reason they go in there is to get a loose and put it up on the thing and go, here's my five minutes. And just hang yourself. They're rough. And I know the position you're in.

Right. But you have to, right now, they're giving you a wall. Yeah. You're a smart Jew. You've got to figure out how to go around that wall. And they're going to give you another wall. Right. And you have to figure out how to go around that wall.

And that's what we're discussing in the beginning. We got here tonight. We're talking about how important basics is. Like I was talking about how I could take Lee tomorrow and go, and go, fuck my wife, fuck mercy. I'm going on the road with you. We were doing every weekend. And I'll take them to 3,000 seat theaters.

We'll do two shows a weekend and after five years he'll be a great comic until he has to do a show in front of 20 people. He's going to lose it. Lose it. Your leg's going to start twitching

because you didn't cover the bases and it's like that old commercial. Remember Penn's all, George? You can pay me now or you can pay me later. But you're going to pay me, motherfucker. So get it over with now instead of

right now you're a new man in LA in New York they're not gonna open the doors for you and give you the red carpet no you're intelligent you already know that you gotta get there

now I'm gonna be as honest as I can with you I couldn't figure out in New York that's why I got the fuck out of it because I didn't know four people to bring to the shows well George and he would disappear I would pay him 10 bucks I'll be right back Pam

I went to get a lighter whatever the fuck So you can't do bringer shows Right I'm fucking animals I got so lucky yesterday Yeah With people

And then the spots So two in the morning Mm-hmm Every once in a while New York Comedy Club Will give me a spot Mm-hmm But I would stop it on the 881st Street

To get coke And do the coke Before I had my spot I'm gonna have to cancel my spot Right So it was always a fucking nightmare For me So I chose to develop

In Colorado Right But you're doing a great job here Considering considering. Now, like I said to you, I would love to walk in with you to the New York Comedy Club

and go, I'm doing 20, give Lee 10, what's that going to do for you? Now you're forcing my hand. Right, and I've never asked you for that. No, no, no, no, no. I wouldn't do it because I know where it would end off.

If we did it in 10 different clubs, nine of them would hate you, and one of them would go, I like the fucking kid. Right. dude one of my and it's I don't know if this is something to be proud of or not but like one of the things I was most proud of in L.A. was that like I never had to call my parents and ask for money.

That was one thing that I just took pride in. And you know, I'm sure there's a lot of people listening who don't whatever they think about me being a stand-up. I know that I'm working really hard at it and it's what I want and I don't want to look back in 10 years and be like, oh I only got in because Joey called X, Y, and Z. I'm having, as much as I'd love to be in at all the clubs right now

and I'd say yes if they called, I'm having fun, like, doing the bar, the only place that I'll have me right now is barbershops. I do barbershops every fucking month. I feel like it's like they're fucking, they bring me to a barbershop, and the shows are great, but I've done like eight barbershops. That's okay.

It's like, what the fuck? I'm the only guy with no hair in a barber shop. But I love it. It's been, dude, New York is, and I did, it was a weird, like, because yesterday I did, I think, three mics. One of the, two of the mics would have got canceled. And the weird, the way I use mics for now is I really only use them to just say the words. Johnny Rock in L.A. gave me great advice of just like, you can't go there looking for a response. you just go there to practice.

And, like, that's what I'm using them for now. It's just as a... Because it did. If I hadn't have done those mics in my set last night, wouldn't have gone as well. Because I changed... I'm not at a place yet where I can look at my notebook

and, like, see if things are going to work or see if the order's right. I have to do it. And then I'm like, oh, okay, then that... So for me, that's what I'm using that stuff for, for New York. Because it's... I'm nowhere close to figuring out New York,

but I'm further along today than I was in January when I really started. Because even when I got here in September, I was gone every week. I was here in town for two days a week, maybe. I was watching something the other day where... What's his name? Shultz. Andrew. Andrew was on Club Shaysay.

He was talking about Rogan. And he goes, you know, Roe. Rogan has made a lot of millionaires, you know. And I thought about it. I was sitting there going, what the fuck? Rogan didn't make millionaires. He opened up the door for people, and people still had to do the work.

Yeah. I know 10 guys that Rogan was helping, that never, they're still feature acts. I know comics that Rogan got with Dave Sussman. They're still feature acts, you know. I still remember getting a longer shot and somebody going, it must be nice, where Rogan to call had him,

saying when I'm like Fuck off. Do you really think that's how they do shit? You know, like, so I know the feeling of people thinking that they made a call for you and not. They didn't make a call. They said something on a podcast and I had to deliver

the goods every fucking night. Right. I still had to write the comedy. I still had to go down there. There's people, look at Last Comic Standing. Open up the door for 10 comics. Where are they today? Teaching comedy classes. On Zoom. You know, these guys had Opportunities they just didn't know what to follow it.

People always, I always thought about this. People always want to get on Rogan. When I started, it was always Letterman. It was always Johnny Cash, Johnny Carson. Right. Well, that's the one thing. It's what you do after you get that. That's going to rock it.

It's not getting that. I got my job. All right, now what? You got the job. Now what the fuck are you going to do with it? That's what you're always planning. Like, I'm always planning. what's in front of me.

I'm already planning exactly how this goes down without moving a finger. I let things do it for me. I'll give you an example. I'm doing the garden next week. Fuck yeah, dude. Okay?

No, no, but don't knock on me. Everybody knows this. I'm opening up for time. I'm doing 20 minutes. No, because I didn't earn it. He called me and said, You did too earn it. Do you want it?

And I took it. Now, that, The picture that somebody's going to take in me and post, I don't have to do the work. There's 18,000 people there. Let's pretend 100 of them take a picture and put it up at the post the next day. The next day, just people see that and they go, I'm going to go see where I could buy a ticket. But I know that. I'm using it as a workout.

I'm using the garden as a 20-minute fucking workout. I got no material to do. Yes, you do. I'm using it as a fucking workout. But I already know where it's going to take me. Like, I'm already thinking like that. You're not going to get that from just starting comedy today. You're going to get that from all the time and doing it.

And you start learning different fucking things, you know, and that's what I like about what you're doing right now, Lee. Don't worry about where you're at. You're doing it. That's the most important thing. I know 20 people are at home right now going, I want to send them! Let me see him and want the Knicks tonight

Because the Knicks are going to be in the play Okay The Knicks are more important to you Than anything else I know 100 people Like I said we could put a fucking sign out tomorrow Put a building in that New Brunswick by Rutgers

And go Be the next Joe Rogan Learn how to podcast I could quit doing comedy I have a sucker in there Every fucking 20 minutes I want to be like Rogue girl girl I shaved my head

I got tattoos You know It's crazy people think you got to put the work in. It's nice. I mean, it's nice to be a bartender. Remember George when we were kids? Yeah, Bruce Willis was a bartender.

And somebody went in there and put him on Miami Vice. Yeah, like you bought that fucking line. No, he had to go to acting class. We didn't know a bunch of shit. Like when he got Miami Vice, he was involving 20 things already. When he was shooting Miami Vice, he got the show on ABC. But growing up, they said, oh, he was bartending. Some guy went in there and something.

on bartheting. Unless he's sucking dick behind the bar doing this shit, poor Bruce Willis. Now he don't remember. Now he don't remember. Right. That's, you know, we all think that things are going to happen from fucking influencers,

these girls that are hot. And they're like, oh, if I do one profile, somebody will put me in a movie. They're not put you in a movie, but they're going to fuck the shit out of you first. You're going to have sperm coming out of everywhere, like a Harvey Whitefish. steam milkshake. They'll put you in a movie, but I don't want you to think

they're putting you in a movie because of your artistic fucking whatever. They're putting you in a movie because you got big tits, and they'll just take you, they'll cut you out. They'll tell you the movie they'll cut you out. You'll be the next. Who's that really hot chick that's in all the movies, and she's a fucking nightmare to work with? I just saw her acting in a movie.

First of all, it was the worst movie I ever saw in my life. The first, the expendables? Okay. God, that's terrible. But the Fox Girl, that's her name? Megan Foxy was in that I'm like this is what she's gonna do the rest of her life somebody fucked her she's hot

and this is it but there's no fucking great roles for her there's no fucking pretty women for her you know whatever fuck those rolls off well let's take that out though so like for let's because you did it in acting too you did the $100 day

if you if someone called you for the longest yard when you were just in L.A. and you hadn't done you had only done a couple of things Would you have been ready or like what? Well, I would have got ready, bitch. Sometimes you got to get ready. So for me, listen, I have two trains of thought here.

The one train of thought is you could just read a book so much. That's what we have as Americans. I want to be a writer. Let me go to Falcon the place and buy 20 books on writing. You just killed yourself for five years reading. Right. The only get good at writing is to write. Even if you start with, I'm going to the zoo today.

It gets, it improves. Over the week, you're, I'm going to the zoo. It's going to be a sunny day. Today I'm going to kick the fucking ape and the stuff. Whatever the fuck you're going to do. And that's, we've become too bookie and too, we think too much. Okay. When I got called for basketball, do you think I went to an acting class before that?

Do you think I knew anything about acting? I knew about Bruce Lee flying through the air and I knew about the Godfather. and I liked Marlon Brando how he acted, but I didn't know anything. I still remember going on that set, and I'm going, step on your mark. And I'm like, what mark? And they're like, the marks, your marks.

And then I remember going to another acting job. And they were saying the same things to me, and I had to tell them, I don't know what I'm doing. Nobody, but they like that. And they're like, how the fuck don't know what I'm doing. And the only thing that saved me was that that girl, her father was big

Sidney Portier And that was his daughter And when I worked And lived in Snowmast Sidney Portier used to come into the video store With that little black girl And I asked I go You remember going to Snowmass as a kid

She goes yeah all the time My dad I go I used to come into command the video Ask your dad next time he talked to him She goes I'll ask him tonight She came back She's like yeah

Oh my God I go yeah your dad used to come in So she was kind of nice to me Yeah She was like I'll show you what to do I don't know what the fuck I'm doing bro as soon as that movie ended as soon as that TV show ended

I borrowed money from Josh Wolf and I got into an acting class right do you follow me because now I was getting serious like I thought I was just going to fucking go up there and but they were giving me lines and shit so I didn't know how dare they

you want me to give me you want me to read so I didn't know what I was doing so then I went to an acting class and then it all as I was doing the acting class I started booking while I was doing the acting class and the climate came together but I didn't just do it

like there's people they'll tell you there's schools in the California that if you go to their act they'll tell you you can't go on auditions for two years two years you know what fuck you don't even know what you're talking about because now they get to blend it together you know like they get to go to

class, it's like being a union plumber. If you're an apprentice, you've got to go to Teeterboro twice a week and learn how to fucking burn shit and fucking, you know, and then you're on the job. Right. And you might start as a laborer carrying pipe. Right. But eventually all that shit's going to mix together. So you're going to be doing pipe and then you go over there and they're going to

be teaching how to do the same pipe. That's what it all is really insane. A thousand percent. But I would never tell you, you're going to be my comedy student, but don't get on stage. No, I want you to be. to fail. Right. I want you to come with questions for me every week going, I did my best material, and they threw

a tomato at me. All right, let's see. Let's start from the videotape. We'll see the videotape. But that's what I think that people, they get too booky and then they'll end up doing anything, or they get into something without really, so it's kind of a catch-22. It really

is. Because as someone listening to it, not mad of you or anything, but it's like, you can't It's hard to be like, okay, get prepared, but then also don't do some of this stuff. Like, it's, you know, it's like sort of like if you, you have to prepare doing certain things, like certain roles or certain said, like doing the open mics, doing those 4 p.m. open mics. And it's hard to know when to cut it off for yourself.

You cut it off when you think it's time. Listen, you know what the difference between a professional and an amateur is or anything? What's that? A mindset. If you really fucking think. about it. But there's a lot of people who are really sure how they're doing. How do you as a laborer? The company every day and bang nails

and shit. But you'll feel like a laborer until one day you look me in the eye and go, what do you think? You only have a guy can paint? Right. You know, I can do this too. I'm a fucking painter. And I want to $15 more than what you're paying me. It's your decision. An amateur and a professional, it's you. It's not somebody else holding

you back. You decide when you're going to go, I'm going to do this as a fucking professional. They You want me to be here at eight, I'm going to be here at a quarter eight. You know, I'm going to be the best motherfucker in this room. That's the difference in the amateur and a professional. It's not, you know. Right, but then also, and going to all these open mics and these hours, I see it,

there's people who have that mentality that you have, but don't have the skill. Well, they, listen, there's a lot of people who are complacent. And that's the thing that'll kill you the most, is you got to ask questions. The cat died seven times because he was fucking curious. Not because he sat there, you know, looking at his window and the old lady who does the yarn every day. Right. The cat looks out of window and goes, look at that fucking bird. Maybe I'll kick his fucking ass today.

And then he goes out and the bird fucks him up. He comes in, has a cat of tuna, and then he, you follow him? It's the same shit. You all right, though? I'm great, but I, because there's definitely people, and you know, people could be listening, asking of it to me, but I know you've seen it. Comics who just aren't funny. And like to make the decision, like,

they're listening right now. And they're like, okay, I've got to do this. I'm not doing it. But then maybe they're not doing what they're supposed to be doing, what's right for them. You know, isn't it kind of weird? Let me go pee.

All right. And then we'll talk about, I got to talk to these people about draft kings and better help. Perfect. And then I'll come back, give you a time to really. I can see that. Everything is moving right now.

Yeah, everything's moving. I'm really trying to keep it cool, to be honest with you. We'll be back in 30 seconds. What's happening, you beautiful people? Uncle Joey here to talk to you by March. When it comes to college basketball, nothing is for certain. You'll watch upsets, buzzer-beaters, top picks going home early, get it on full action with Draft King's Sportsbook.

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Trust me what I'm telling you. I give you my personal fucking word on this. And that's it, guys. We're back, bitches. Don't forget, if you're hearing voices, better help, we'll help you. And if, you know... Draft Kings.

Draft Kings, it's March, baby. It's the month you've been waiting for. Anyway, we're back to talk to him about hearing voices. You're seeing ghosts. He calls fucking better help once a month, this poor bastard. Me? Lee, you're talking about Bond. Lee, listen, who the fuck am I or you?

Have you ever had somebody come up to you and make a weird remark? Like the first five or six years you do comedy, people come up to you and make the weirdest remarks. And sometimes your feelings get hurt. Sometimes you don't know how to really handle it. You're just starting out. Mm-hmm. You know, and I'm from North Perrigan.

I still remember doing a show in the city and your uncle and a bunch of guys driving me. And on the way back, they're like, you suck. Right in the car. They're like, don't, you suck. Like, that guy was funny. Not you. You're not funny.

And this is, that's how we were raised. We weren't raised with, oh, my God, that was so brave. Nah. My friends are looking at you and go, you know what? You suck tonight. That was God awful. And I was sitting there in the back of the car, ready to cry, just doing coke. Like, okay, I suck.

And then it hurts. It's not good. So who the fuck am I? to tell somebody they're not funny. I think somebody would rather hear that their mother's a whore. Yeah. Somebody going up to somebody going, you know, you're really not funny.

You should quit this shit. Because there was a time none of us were funny. And one day you just hit a fucking stage point. It's like anything else in life. You go to Jiu-Jitsu, you get fucking pouring apart for 18 months, and one day you decide to do something, and all of a sudden, it just changes.

with stand up, it's like these people get punched in the head for a living. We were talking about that before. They can be retarded after one punch, or they can be retarded after 5,000 punches. You just don't know what punch is going to make them a fucking retard. It's going to make them call better help and go. They're going to love this. So I can never ever tell a comic or a human being that they're not funny.

If they believe they're funny, let them go. Let them go. And you'll see these, the longer you do, comedy, you'll see open micers that show up everyone and talk to them and go, bro, you ever, nah, I come down here, I do this, I go home, I hear voices, I live in my grandmother's basement, they'll tell you what they are. Right. And then eight years from now you're here, they killed themselves. I swear to God, when I lived in Seattle, I'm not being a joke here, you know, plenty of open mics killed them. Some guy got outstaged at the comedy store, went to the hotel and jumped off the top of

the fucking hotel. You know, this is the shit people do when you, this is their whole life dream Right You know And this happens to musicians How many fucking idiots Go on that show the voice You know

Do you think about that How many people are? Your mom's like with one eye She got diabetes You think good in the shower I'll go down to the voice Okay And you go down there

Do Dolly partner It sounds like Joey Diaz And they tell you Come back That was great That was great will call you. You know, how many times can you hear that?

Yeah. So I can never tell somebody they suck. They have a dream, and then let them go out there and pursue it. But, like, have you... And it's tough, because, I mean, that's not obvious not a stand-up. Now, from the other side of that,

let me just tell you something. About 10 days ago. Okay. I'm not going to lie to you. I saw a name from L.A. that I had forgotten about, and the first thing in my mind was that I said this to myself

I go, she didn't shoot herself yet because you know, 20 years she's been trying this right, 25 years so in the back of my I mean she got there she was there five years

before I was there and she's still doing this so I forgot about her I've been out of L.A. for five fucking years so obviously I forgot and I go she didn't shoot herself yet that was my first reaction

so I get it like right now what I know I would have left L.A. in 2013. Wow. I wasted my time for eight years. I could have done whatever I was doing anywhere else because all it is now, you just

rotate. You're doing the goddamn jam, the improv, the laugh actor, the comedy store. And you're just a revolving thing. And if you do get something out of that, it's like, why am I going to go see him? He's going to be at the comedy store tomorrow night. You're just a revolving door. You're wasting your time. Right.

But for stand-up specifically, you don't think being at the store, once a week helped? Not as of 10 years ago. Wow. It helps you, but if you're already established at the store, and you're established at the Improv,

and you're established at the Laugh Factory, why are you still there? If you're not acting, you're just going around. I mean, I got another show, I'm at the whatever. It's just a rotating door. Right, but you said you would have left

in 2013, and I'm not talking about career. If I knew what I knew now. I'm not even take career, out of it. I'm talking about you because you know when you're funny and you know when your jokes are where they're supposed to be. Do you think that would have you would have been as funny if you left

L.A.? At that point at 2013, I was doing comedy what? 20-something fucking years already. I mean, 2015 I thought I saw a mouse. I thought I'd seen a lot of things. It was a little leaf. But 2015

Listen, one thing about me and my comedy career, I don't base it on anything. Anybody ever want to fucking say anything to me? I just say one word. Comedy store from 2016 to the pandemic hit. That's it, bitch. You want to say something about me? Come on on now on Tuesday and Thursday.

Look at those lineups and what do you want to say? What the fuck? You can't say a word to me. Can't say a word to me. because those lineups will never happen again. When you're following Bill Burr and bring it up fucking Rogan or bringing up Ali Wong or bringing up Whitney Cummings, you saw those lineups.

You saw those rooms in the main room. Forget Netflix special and all that faggotry that they got, you know, the Howard, the Mark Twain Award for comedy. All that's Mark Twain can suck my dick. The only thing that counts in my world for me was those nights at the same. store. Right. If you ever had any fucking doubt, come on down,

motherfucker. And try it. Give it a world. Give it a world. But you didn't. But you're somewhere else trying to fucking lay claim. Don't even, for me it wasn't anything else. It was those four years. When you walked in there on Tuesday, most

people would faint. Because I know I felt like fucking fainting. When I would come around that liquor store, you know when you get all the Laurel can, I'd go like, why am I going down there? I'm going down there to destroy my career. I'm going to the ADCC, whatever the fuck that is.

If I have a bad set down here, it's going to get around. So when I would hit that fucking stage, I made sure. Like, I just heard Judd Appletoe went back to the story. That's because Papa's not there. Because Papa jagged him so bad, he had to go to... When you're not that funny, then you go to another club called...

What's that club day? Largo. That's where they call it alternative comedy. Oh, my God. brilliant. That's where you go. But on Tuesdays and Thursday that kind of comedy didn't work. That comedy was never designed

for the comedy store. Right. Like if you go into the club and the city, I'll take you the club in the city now, that shit wouldn't work at the comedy store. Would not work. She engraved Marines. That's what she wanted. Marines. People who jump out of a plane, land, and instead of it exploding,

they make you laugh. That's what Mitchie Shaw trained. And I was a part of that. So everybody, all these, you know, these people that you see on these comedy award shows, like Steve Martin with an arrow on his head, he could suck my dick. So, like, at a month, I know we're... And I'm not

saying nothing disrespectful to nobody. I'm just telling you how I feel. And if you have a problem with that, come on down. Right. And I'm... But you also said at the beginning, they said, if you knew what you knew now, you would have left before that. I would have left. But that is something that sticks out of my mind.

I'm happy I didn't. Okay. Because I was part of those fucking lineups. And you weren't just part of them, dude. You were a fucking... A lot of people wouldn't make those lineups today. A lot of people would walk and look at that lineup and go, my mother's in bad shape. I'm going to run home, you know.

Yeah. And I saw it. I saw it. For years, you couldn't be an okie-doke comic and walk into the store. It was not going to work for you. No. And now over the years it's gotten softer. And, oh, my gosh.

God, I love your hair. That shit did not work. Forget. God damn it. It was someone I just was watching a really great comic talking about competition. And he was saying that it wasn't... Oh, maybe it was Bill Murray. I don't know.

But it was Bill Murray. But it wasn't so much like Bill Murray. Not in a stand-up sense, but in an acting sense. He's like, okay. And that's what the store felt like. then, and I wasn't part of it, but to like, it was all the best in the world being the best. So if you were even a step below, it would have been, like, noticeable. It would have been noticeable, I think.

Very noticeable. And I think, you know, like, that's, I'm glad you stayed for that, too. Because, like, dude, I don't know. And I just, like, going to the, go on to shows back then and see. and having people like, whether it was the 20 minutes of the store or the hour, it was just a crazy, I've never experienced stand-up like that.

No, it was hard-hitting. All those people that wear hats that take pictures of themselves smoking a cigarette that think they're cool, they disappeared from there. Anybody with scarves, you know, guys that wear scarves to be cool on a Tuesday night, they disappeared from there. Tattoos and piercings,

that shit didn't go over. It was a stage and a microphone, and you better bring it on. Just like life. You come with all disguises you want. The piercing, yeah, come to all disguises you want. When that shit blows over,

if either you got it or you don't. You can wear your little skull caps and smoke a cigarette and be cool in front of your friends. But when the shit comes down, either you got or you don't. Those hats, those tattoos, those hairdoes with the spike,

you know, I'm going to put blonde streaks so my friends come up to me and go, oh my God, no, that's not funny. Right. And that's what happened. That's why you go to some comedy clubs, people up there with like a suit with sneakers on. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. This ain't a costume party.

Yeah, there's a lot of them. You know, they say the costume party. You know, and that's why I always respected the store, and I respected coming out of the store. I saw a fucking dude play the piano one night. at the store and Eddie Griffin went up and he goes this ain't the music store motherfucker. There's the comedy store

bitch. Oh no. And we fucking die and the guy would kill. Yeah. The guy would kill with his piano. He's a black guy. La la la la la la. This ain't the music store motherfucker. The guitar centers down the corner. You go down there and play all the guitars you want drums and pianos. It's not fucking comedy. And now what they

I'm not even going to get to the subject there because I have people banding up fucking uh thing abandoning shit but you know right now you're in a spot lead that you have to make it you have to be funny and figure it out on your own

that's it you have to figure this out on your own in time you'll latch on to a club that gives you seven spots a week that'd be great and then you can work your shit and then it's going to take one person and go hey come you're out at New York Comedy Club I banged the sister let's call

that's what happens for years you're over there sending tapes going over. And all of a sudden it takes one guy to go, I play golf with the fucking guy. You want me to call him tomorrow? And that's what happens, but at least you're not at home. And that guy said to you, I'll talk to him tomorrow.

What if you're just sitting at home with your girlfriend? Nobody gives me a spot. I can't get through New York. And all of a sudden I get you at the New York Comedy Club. Now you're fucking. You're there. You're prepared. Like, when you do a pot, when you do, people think I used to go on the Rogan podcast and just get I love that.

I love that. Everything was planned down to my shirt. Everything is planned. I want you to think, I'm stoned. Yeah, keep thinking that, motherfucker. That's how I robbed you. And then you say, he's a thief, because you thought I was not going to,

you thought I was too coped up to pull a gun to your fucking end. Well, I'm not, okay? Yeah? I'm not, okay? So it's the same thing. When I went on Rogan, I knew I was going on a Tonight Show.

Right. So you better bring some shit. to make him go back and the people at home go, what the fuck is he talking about? Because he's got a thousand guests on a year. Right. So if you want to go on there with your okey-doke story about your grandmother

or some bullshit that your, you know, your father got a splinter. You got to go over there and drop it. And that's the comedy scene in New York. When you get your chance, listen, bro, you know what it is to do a spot in front of Metsy Shore when you're doing comedy for eight years?

It was scary, I knew it was that or me going back to North Bergen to sell drugs until I got shot or OD or died. That's how I fucking did it. And it's weird to think this. This is the first thing I've been confident in probably my entire life. What? Comedy?

Yeah. Confidence is not something I feel a lot. And I thought, maybe I thought I did it. Like, I was, I liked editing when I went to college for it. I was okay at it. And this comedy being confident in comedy, and I'm not saying, for where I am, like the last two, three months I feel very confident

that I didn't before. Why do you feel confident? Because you're prepared. Okay. Okay, nobody likes surprises because they're not prepared. Right. Right? Yeah.

You're prepared, motherfucker. And getting on stage every night, and, you know, I know, listen, man, five, six, seven years of comedy, it sucks. It sucks. You're trying to give up your job, you're trying to quit your day job,

you're trying to make enough money every month to keep that. There's always a club that doesn't want to talk to you. There's always, you know, there's always an obstacle. But there's obstacles in life. Right. So the first obstacle you have now is getting rid of this fucking job

next year. That's one obstacle. Now you've got to make enough money to pay the bills and all that shit. And that stress alone will kill you. And that's why you don't go on vacation. Because the first you become like, I always tell people, I've loved working on commissioners as I'm a kid.

You know why? Because on the first, you and me are even. There's no, Joey Deer's been doing comedy for 30 years. There's none of that. We're even on the first. And that gets my dick hard. I never want enough. Why are you going to, you know,

well, I'm working for this. You have a ceiling over your head now. So go for it, motherfucker. If you're on commission, you got to tell Mama, we're not going to Parakeet Islands this year and stick to it. I don't give a fuck dump me. I'm not fucking doing it.

I don't have time to lose. When I'm 60, then I'll fucking go to Parakeet Islands or whatever idea of your family has, all this shit. If you want something, you got to go for it, man. Yeah. And that's it. You're in New York. You're in the fucking major leagues.

So you better go home and think about how do you belong in the major leagues. I know it. Maybe you're looking at this differently. I want you to look at it like, what am I going to do to belong in the major leagues? It took me seven years to realize I was in the major leagues. And I stopped snorting coke and I go, I'm in the major leagues, motherfucker. What the fuck am I doing with my life? You're in the major leagues, not as major as L.A.

Right. But you're right there. So you have to switch your thinking and get how. am I going to get noticed? Because that's pretty much it. You have to get mentioned before you get noticed. So somebody's going to have to go, man, have you seen this little fucking Jew lease I had?

He was on fire at the night at this place, you know? Yeah. It's such a fucking catch-22. And you guys think, like, look, I remember going to L.A. You can't get an agent. Well, why can I get an agent? Because you got to have something.

Well, the only way I could book a movie is if I have an agent, well, figure it at the, fuck out. And you walk out of the office going, what am I going to do? Okay. I got to go down to the fucking thing every Wednesday. George, remember? Every Thursday I used to buy that stupid magazine

that they used to sell at all newsstands in New York. Well, they sell those in L.A. too. And you've got to go in there and open up the paper and go, oh, I'm going to go do a college film that shoots at night with three Chinese kids that don't know how to shoot a film. They're going to shoot my feet. And that's

what I did for two years. I just applied for all those, and I would get it on Wednesday, so the envelopes went out on Thursday, and I would hear back by Friday. There was no, like, oh, well, and I would do that while I was coked out. When I get home from the comedy store, I'd fucking do those envelopes and write out

with your hand instead of typing, so they know you put the time into it. It's fucking A to Z. It's not just, it's A to Z, and that's a lot of people understand, and that's why people become magicians, because they don't want to put the work in. They don't want to put the fucking work at least You got the world by the balls

You're young You got money put away You know It's time to really sit down And write your goals And not overthink shit You know You're the type of guy that you have a plan

And then in war you change it Yeah Stick to it, motherfucker fucking plan You haven't even really executed it But stick to it Put a new reel up Every 15th every third three months but I got to see it on Facebook

I got to see it on Instagram I got to see it on my daughter's Instagram Like if I look at her Instagram But I'm a kid Instagram Right See somebody sharing it on there That's your those are little things that you do And even if nobody sees it

Who's watching? The universe The universe is always fucking watching And even if nobody says Well I didn't get into your package It's great You'll get one when it's too fucking late When it's the apocalypse

The package of Lee are coming, but that's how you have to look at it, but you can't give up. No. Listen, don't get down on yourself, bitch. I get down on myself, and I've been doing this for 33 fucking years. And I know in the beginning when I was struggling, I'd really get down on myself. Yeah? For a few days. It's an emotion.

Like if you bombed, you'd get down on yourself? Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Like, right away, you'll know what happened. When you bomb, as soon as you get off that stage, soon as before your girlfriend comes up to you, oh my God, you were so funny. No, it was.

Shut the fuck out. I already know what I did wrong. I went up there with two ego. I went up there with too much ego. I went up there with too much bravado. I didn't introduce myself properly. There's a thousand reasons why you didn't bomb. And yeah, in my mind, all those reasons?

Shub them up your ass. I bombed because I sucked. and you could give yourself, oh, the wind, you know, there's comics, the microphone system, keep telling yourself that. Right. Keep telling yourself that stupid excuse. You bomb because you suck.

Go home, have a rose beef sandwich, and come back tomorrow, and let's try this motherfucker again. It's the same thing when the Haitian can beat you up. You're not going to stay here. You're going to have a rosebee sandwich. Go out there and go, let's go, Rudy the Haitian. Let's get another three fucking rounds.

And if you get beat up, it's the same shit. You go home, have another rosebee sandwich, and go out there on Wednesday. And eventually, you're going to get a punch in, and eventually you're going to knock the motherfucker out. Right. And I'm definitely feeling that, man. I think the partner... I could see that you... I could see right now that you're feeling that.

You know exactly what I'm feeling. Fucking... The only place in the world, let's take all these mushrooms and then have a normal conversation. What are these mushrooms? Stop it. One gram. Unbelievable. First of all, you sent pictures of two different mushrooms.

There are one eight. Also, you get here, a Ziplock bag, 26 different mushrooms in there. I gave them the mushrooms. No, you did not. I sweated my daughter. I weighed the mushrooms. And even if you did, that's still three grams of mushrooms.

I'm fucked up. Who gives a fuck, Lee? What do you mean? Who gives it fuck? I don't get. I'm not, did I complain one podcast? I'm just fucking. I hate mushrooms every week with Josh Wilson.

Let it go, Lee. Stop it. You're not in training. You do that pushy shit during the week. Those 25 milligrams and you play high. And then you come here and look what happens to you. I was fine. You can either pay me now or pay me late.

I didn't say one weird thing. I've been lean out of space in a long fucking time. Why are you getting all upset? Because you keep saying. Because you dilly dally. No, what's dilly dally dally? I'm not too fucked up. I gave him, in fact, I gave him a smaller one.

No, you didn't. Then I put, I'll show you right now, motherfucker. A smaller one. I showed you. Yeah, it was short, but it was thick. Look, I gave him a smaller one. A smaller one. Look, I showed you this one that was one 25.

And I started to do this. I forgot about this. No, last week, you didn't, I kept saying, you didn't weigh it. You didn't weigh it. And then, dude. He cries. No, I didn't cry. No matter what.

Listen to it. You're looking for pictures in October. You're like, I took him, I waited. And I'm just looking for. for the picture. You were in October. Looking for mushrooms that you'd already shit had and growed another mushroom. I don't know a word he's saying this poor of fucking

You know what I'm saying. I don't know nothing. Yes you do. Yeah, you just over there getting all like, it's like Gaza. Beat up your mom. What the fucking wrong? Because you keep saying, I'm doing shit. Yeah, you're lying and I haven't cried once. Takes you 20 minutes to eat them.

I'm so sorry that the mushrooms don't taste good. You come, oh, they don't taste good. Who cares? How long it tastes me to like? You eat that you eat that fucking lizard meat. What lizard meat? This shit you've been eating for 30 years and now. You keep saying that they paid the restaurant

paid Google off to take lizard meat off the review. You can't do that. There's no lizard meat. God damn. You've been eating lizard meat since I met. I can't say anything about food in my entire. I'll be 60 years old saying I like this restaurant. Lizard meat.

Listen, you know why? It's like suck on a dick when you're 21. You're never going to win an argument after that. You know that. Yeah, well, I would have done this. I didn't eat lizard meat. You said I ate lizard meat. You said I ate lizard meat.

You ate lizard meat. I did not. On top of the friends and they told you it was carnitas. First of all, I like Carnie and Sada. Not Carnie Asada, Doug. This was the worst restaurant. You could see it was condemned and he's in there a week. It was not condemned.

20,000 restaurants in North Hollywood. This guy would pick. They all look condemned to North Hollywood. Have you seen North Hollywood? The entire city looks condemned. One night I gave him and his girlfriend a gift to say, to a fucking fine dining establishment. Mortons and these guys still didn't take it.

Yeah, we saved it. It was also for lunch, by the way. Well, she wanted to eat some fucking mystery meeting somewhere. This is a relationship 10 years ago. Why am I in trouble for what she wanted to do when we lived in LA? Because, because this falls on you. No, it doesn't. Okay, I gave you a hundred dollars.

Give certificate for Morton's and instead you went and got mystery meat somewhere because she wanted to get Mr. meat. So did you. A fine restaurant. I don't know a taco. Sounds good sometimes. So now you're going to fucking tell me you never eat with me. So the first day you get the gift card, I have to use the gift card? Exactly.

Immediately. Immediately. It's like if I'm going to Burger King and somebody gives me a fucking card to my Astros to get a steak, there's no double-thinkingly. I wasn't double-thinking. I don't know. You didn't end up at the steakhouse.

Did you not? What? You didn't end up at the steakhouse. at the steakhouse. Probably not. No. So that means what does this have to do with today?

What are you talking about the steak I didn't get right away? Look at him. In 2016. Look at him. Look at him. He's just saying this. He's like a bad in a woman.

Look at him. You won't stop. Oh, you won't stop. This is in 2016. I haven't seen him that upset since fucking, you know. You're bringing up fucking a relationship that was two relationships ago. That's like I said to you,

once you suck a dick, I'll never get forgotten. Once you eat a lizard meat. Once you eat a licket me. He listened to me, though. Yes, you did. You kept eating it over. We used to go to a place. Delicious breakfast place.

Best bacon you ever had. It was good bacon. Ask them. How many times you went there? I went a bunch. They would go to Denny's. We would not go to Denny's. We would have not.

You're lying. Fucking fake news. I did not go to Denny's. The thing that you get upset about is that I would get it to go. I lived two blocks away. Yeah, why would you get it to get? Yeah, but I didn't go to Denny's that had

fucking AIDS bacon. You went to Denny's. You went to Denny's. you. When that place was open, we would go to the thing. You like, I like the milkshake. Thim.

He's been eating lizard meat on French fries and shit. Come me where I eat, motherfucker. You'll see it's not... Yeah, Carnia soda fries is good. Listen, I know, carne a fodder fries, but the problem was

there was no carnia sata on those fries. It was lizard meat or pigeon because you love those restaurants. Well, the pigeon tastes good, motherfucker. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. say that with your little jufeet

you want to say that. You don't know. Anyway, guys, it was a great show. This poor bastard I'm fine. You're talking about 2016? We're going to start documenting how long it is to eat 1.5.

All right, let's say the mushroom was 1.5 grams. It still took him 22 minutes. Who time someone? He looks at it. If I gave him a fucking egg roll, it would be done. Yeah, because it's a much more enjoyable experience. It could be two days old, and he would eat it in three seconds. A mushroom, but they don't taste good.

What about the lizard meat you ate for years? I didn't eat lizard meat. Yes, you did. And if I did eat, it was good. Yeah, because they creamed it up. Thank God. They put cream on it, or they came on it. Whatever the fuck you wait.

Oh, no, they're coming on it? Yeah, because you like it. Anything but fucking straight up, cucks on. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the show today. Sorry about this fucking mutage. Where I do. Never ate the mushrooms. Never wants to be in training.

I'm in, we're soldiers here. Look at the shape. Last week, he looked like he was doing coke. Every time he called him, Lee, what? What? That wasn't me. But anyway, Lee, where are you at this weekend?

This weekend, I'm at off-cabit, Friday and Saturday. The 29th, I'm at Broadway Comedy Club. That's next week. I know. I didn't ask you about next week. I told you. I asked you about this week. I know, and I told you where I was.

All right. but don't mention next week. This week, we're at the Dojo on Wednesday night. That's it. Doing a couple sets. I owe you people a shot since before the hospital stays. And that's it, motherfuckers. I love you.

Tip Top McGoo. I want to thank Draft Kings. I want to thank Better help Lee's people. And Blue Chew. And I want to thank you guys for watching. Stay black. Have a great week, Cuckuckuckuckers. What's up, beautiful people?

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