The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Let's get this party started!

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

Joey Diaz tells Lee why he loves Monday's, why his most recent talk with his Uncle meant so much to him, getting arrested on vacation, and why he wants to give Lee 400mgs, a wig and some heels. Support the show and get 20% off all mattress orders and 2 free pillows. Head to https://www.helixsleep.com/JOEY Support the show and win big with DraftKings. New customers can start playing with just $5 and get $100 instantly in Casino Credits. Download the DraftKings app and press in code JOEYSLOTS The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

Oh, it's 82 degrees here outside, and it's like eight below in my basement. Yeah, you're a park on. I got a jacket and a hooded sweatshirt on and a fucking underarm on to that. And you love it. Oh, I love being cold, but I like getting warmer. You know what I'm saying? Holy shit. That's it, man.

Interesting day, you know, tasting fucking samples of edibles, flavors. Oh, yeah. What do you like? Cranberry coconut. Nice. There's a couple good flavors there. They're going to make a pinia colada, a special 3,000 milligram for Lee. Who, really?

Yeah, we're going to get to eatables for Lee with no percentages on it, anywhere from 100 to 2,000. And that's it. You just take it out of the bowl and take your chances. Columbus did. That'd be great if you could do that. No more. We mean if we could do that.

We're doing it, cuck, suck. Well, you can't. You can't put them for sale. You can't, well, wow, wow. You can't, like, everything's so regulated. You can't just have something like a, I wonder what milligram it is. Well, here's the deal. You have, you know, for the stores and for Gentiles.

You know, I need to sleep more. I have nightmares of children screaming in a fire. Or, you know, and then we have the black market one. I never got offered the black market one. you. Black Markins just I met you. You know what I'm saying? You don't even know.

Like I told you, you had heroin in your bloodstream like three or four years ago. You don't remember those heroin tablets you took. No, I remember that you said they were cat tranquilizers. No, no, that's not heroin.

That's cat tranquilizers, you know. Oh, okay. That really did take a cat tranquilizer? Yeah, cat tranquilizers. I gave you fucking, uh... I don't know, what's worse? Doggy Downers, whatever I got in Vegas from those weekends,

you got. We both got. I ate them too. I took a chance too. I don't give a fuck. How are you going to give them to somebody if you don't eat it yourself? You know what I'm saying? Why don't you eat yourself first? I dose myself first. Not first. You did it at the same time. Then you, then the next guy. You know what I'm saying?

And what did you do with these like findings? Did you ever like, what did you do with all this research you did on people? The research I did was, listen, I do research on everybody. Like right now I'm doing a study. every time I eat mushrooms, one gram or below, I sleep an hour and a half longer. I sleep better. When I get up to pee in the middle of the night, it smells like the vegetable section and fucking Anthony Leonis.

But I sleep better. And that's something that I've been doing. Somebody gives me mushrooms. I order them, whatever. You know, Sillies coming through this week. Dropped a nice box on me. Fucking white sweatshirt. shirt which nobody sends you. They don't have class

no more. And they sent me some fucking chocolate goodies, you know. So that's it. We're back. Beautiful. So yeah, I eat like a gram of mushrooms and I sleep a lot better. That's fucking insane. Every once in a while, I get a little tingle. You know, I eat about a gram, gram and a half. I ain't lying, dear.

I just eyeball it. You know, I weigh it. I know it's in there and I break it into fucking pieces. No. Stam is dust. I eat it all. Fuck it. Let's say you were trying to, like, not go to sleep. Let's say you were trying to, like, have fun.

Like, what would you take then? Then I'll eat the fucking garden. You know, you know me, dog. Then I become Joey the mushroom man. But I can't handle that no more. I can't handle you. I can't handle that intensity with a kid upstairs. Okay.

Like I told you what happened to me last night. I ate some shroomage. I was feeling good. I was watching the King of New York. Nobody was around. And all of a sudden, I started tripping a little bit while I was watching the King of New York. Now, I had seen this movie a thousand times,

but there was nothing else to watch. It was early. Everybody had gone to bed already. Everybody was tired from getting up at fucking 8 in the morning to go play softball and sit out in the sun. And, you know, the mushrooms were hitting me. And I'm watching this fucking thing.

And all of a sudden, I'm thinking about, wow. I can't imagine being like 16 and tripping, you know, like, all of a sudden that came to me. And I go, what was I talking about? I was tripping the night my mother died, you know, and within fucking two centimeters of time, the phone ran. But whoever was calling was blocked. It wasn't block, block, I couldn't see it. There was a remote control on it or something. So I just assumed it was you.

And when I went to pick it up with my uncle. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And I picked up the phone, I spoke to him, and it was like talking to my mother. It was like a fucking message, you know. It was the weirdest fucking thing. So I think sometimes when you eat mushrooms, certain situations happen. Oh, a thousand percent. It's, I'm not really a spiritual person, but there's something that it's like more than just a coincidence, I think.

Not every time. I'm not saying every time like your life's going to change, but little things like that happen. It's really crazy. I still remember one night specifically. Leah had to be like 10 days after my mother died. And I'm out with the boys. It's like a Tuesday night. Zeraita was staying at my house,

so that meant I had no fucking curfew, you know. She would be hammered like by 8.30. When I got home, Zerrida would be fucking lit to death. And I get home, it's got to be like 11, maybe quarter to 11. I went home early. There was still savages out running from cops. And, you know, because we were trying to drink on a certain location.

The cops would come with their lights. Then we'd run, who saved four beers, you know. But I'll never forget going home as the writer was asleep. And I went into my room. And I was watching HBO. And it was the blob. Right? And I knew I had seen it before.

And I'm tripping my ass off. And I'm watching this fucking. blob. And it's like, I think Steve McQueen's in it, the early one. And it's just like a scene that I don't know, till this day, I haven't really discussed it with anybody. I don't know if it was the acid or I don't know if it was the movie. But it's like the guy comes in for a haircut and the guy's Italian,

the bar and all of a sudden he's sitting cutting his hair and the blob comes through the bottom of the fucking door, like the gel, you know, it was like a gel the block, I guess. Allegedly. I look for that scene and I can't fucking find it. So I don't know if it was tripping. I don't know if I was in my head.

Did you ever trip like an entire movie? Oh, I tripped for an entire fucking night. Like 8 o'clock at night to 6 in the morning. And from 10 to 4, you're fucking burning. Like from 10 to 3. You're like, every time you look at the clock, another hour moves. And you're like, what's happening at time? And then at three, you think you're down.

But somebody offers you a bomb hit, and then you pick that fucking savage right back up again. Jesus Christ. And it's putting you to sleep now, which is crazy. It never puts me to sleep at all. Yeah, I remember in the 80s, they were putting everything in that shit. Rat tranquilizer. I forget the name of the chemical that's in rat tranquilizer.

So whenever you took it, your jaw would go like it would be rats and shit. Oh, it was tremendous. You walk around the street, you see a garbage can. You're like attracted to it. Eat that fucking rat poison. I forget what the name of it was.

This was a long fucking time ago. Let me see if I can find it. But yeah, that's the shit, you know. Smoking TAC crystal. If your dad went to the doctor's office and I'm walking in. I had a nine o'clock. It's about a quarter of a month. And I get up, listen, music fucks me up in the morning. Regardless of what music I put on, like sometimes I come down and just take a chance and put like a roll on a mix. And today it

opened up with Pink Floyd fucking dogs. I'm not even awake yet. I'm listening to dogs barking in my office and shit. And then I'm fired up. So I listened to it like three times. I finally got up into the garage and did like two bong hits. And then the next song is fucking public enemies. So now I'm ready to stab somebody, right? Like I'm like, what the hell is going on here? And I went out and I made a video with the geese, with the pelicans, whatever the fuck they are chasing me.

They were still out there today, those cuck suckers at about 5.30. So, and I'm thinking to myself, wow, I'm having the best day ever. Number one, I ate mushrooms last night. so I wake up more refreshed. But number two, how the music and it be Monday. Like it just connected today perfectly. I love Mondays. My dick gets hard on Mondays.

I go to bed on Sundays dreaming about Mondays. What about Mondays? I just love Mondays. It's a second chance. It's another fucking day. It's another week. It's a new month. I get so excited by Monday

is that everything that happened last week happened last week. You know, you burglarized the wrong house. You got ladies' shoes instead. Hey, it happens. We got the wrong info. Move on. You know what I'm saying?

You lost 10,000 with the bookie on Saturday. You don't know how you're going to get it. It's Thursday. It's Monday. It's a whole new week. I got three days to make 10 Gs. I'll never make it. It's cheaper for me to get a grand and leave town for a week.

and live like a doctor in some fucking hidden cave down there and fucking, not even the other place, Key West. I feel like this one's a little bit specific. What's that? I feel like that's something that happened to you. Like what? Like you go with someone, like you have to make $10,000 in three days? Oh, it happened to me a bunch of times.

Holy shit. When did he start loving Mondays? Strychnine. That was... Thank God I got the boys in the back, dropping knowledge. It was on the tip of my tongue anyway. But I thought I'm breaking that up. I still remember walking the back streets and bumping into friends of mine from high school,

and I'd be tripping my balls off on mescaline, which is strychnine. And I fucking, we grind up this acid and put it in the weed and make hamburgers with a piece of hash and light that motherfucker up. Woo! You're smoking rat poison now. You know what I tell people, listen, I'm going to end up with a fucking tube in my nose. If you don't think I know that already, like my breathing has been off for 10 years. Listen, about two years, I get the oxygen tank. I figure out how to put a bong in the oxygen, how to mix the oxygen with the refo.

And it's a different world. It's a different game for Uncle Joey. You know what I'm saying, Don? What is it about when you're turning 50s and 60s that you guys just start talking about immediately dying? Everyone in my life, whenever they turn 50, they show you where the will is. I hate it. Listen, when you turn 50, you didn't do blow. You didn't bang anybody up in Idaho.

You know, you didn't do any bad. You didn't eat no foreign pussy. So, you know, unless you gain a lot of weight, fucking your life. You got Jewish blood. You guys are good. You know, you outlasted everybody else with all the kingdoms. So the Ming Dynasty. the Chinese.

Oh, they were hard to We beat all the kingdoms. You know, you go, you know what? I can make it to 80. Like yesterday I spoke to my uncle, and he's 86. Right. My mother's sister,

the one she stabbed the guy over, she's 81. She walks to work. She just opened up a business. Wow, good for her. Yeah, she makes $3 a day in the communist country, but at least she's trying.

$3 is always better than the sun. small zero. I was going to say. Let's get this motherfucking party started, bitches. Turn out your TVs, run for your lives, it's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give

up. I thought what Joey could do it. I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to show! What's up there? How's it going, buddy? You know me? Tuesday, I'm ready to fucking stab somebody. I feel good. I look good.

I got some sunburn. I got so fucking burnt that last night I ate those mushrooms and at some point I'm watching the King of New York and I scratch my forehead and I look down and there's water. Oh Jesus. On my fingers and I'm like, holy shit, it's over. I'm sweating profusiously. I wasn't sweating.

I already had those little bubbles on my head. Like I got stung by a jellyfish but I didn't even go to the beach. What happened? We just out at a softball game all day? You want to put some sun? I don't know. It's strong I need this. You got to fucking burn that one skin one time. That's what people don't understand. You got to burn that skin the one time a little bit,

and then you're good for the summer. I'm ready. I'm ready for sunshine. I'm ready for a good summer. Smoking dope. You know, I got a gig. The whole fucking deal. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. What's going on? Nothing. I'm going to play the tuba in a fucking submarine band. I don't know. I don't fucking, no, I got nothing going on. I got Dick. I got Johnny Dick and his cousin Johnny Dick.

What? I don't know. I can't even imagine. Can't imagine what? I don't know. I'm really fucking high. I know you are. You still ate like 35 milligrams.

No, I didn't. I'm not me short. I got to fly to Boston and stuff them in your nose, 200 in each fucking nostrils. See how you feel then? Jesus Christ. No, but I did. I was thinking about you yesterday because I was in Cape Cod. Huh?

Yeah. How did you know? But I stayed over in Cape Cod this weekend to do a show. And the next day, as we were checking out, this dude at 11 o'clock was hammered and was getting arrested on vacation. And he had to leave the hotel. And I was like, that must suck getting arrested on vacation. Like, did that ever happen to you or did you know anybody who got, like, fucked up on vacation? Listen

You know why I hate vacations Why is that? Because that's what happens You get arrested? Listen, I mean Vacation in this country means you're going somewhere To get Hammond for a week

Right That's what we've got to vacation to When you go to cruise You think you go out there to look at the fucking icebergs You go out there to drink with no responsibility So Burke could sell a cruise around the world right now. He could just quit comedy and sell cruisers,

get on the ship for seven days, fill out insurance paperwork, you never know what will happen. This is Titanic Revisited. That's what I would do if I would do. You have tools in there. You bring comics. They fucking drink.

They gamble. They play the drums, karaoke. You know, Birch are fucking genius when it comes for that shit. Yeah. All like his taught, that seems cool.

I would do a, That's a weird thing to do like a full cruise, like a whole week. That's awesome. With your people in a big bedroom, you know, living like, you're not living like Gilligan and a little fucking place small in prison. You know, that's what they give you in those rooms. That's what they never show you, right? They always show you at the shuffleboard and people by the jacuzzi and people by the pool

and, you know, everybody getting sun, everything's beautiful. Show me what those fucking sweets where you put two people in there and they got to Like fucking you're in Auschwitz fucking ceilings and shit yeah how long do you think

you would last on a cruise? 15 minutes the first time I hit one of those crazy countries that's it bomboyotch I'll just throw my hat in the fucking ocean and you'll see it float

no he must have died yeah to get the hat he's dead that's it you're just abandoned ship yeah disappear for a month, nobody knows nothing. You know what I'm saying? Cash out the credit cards, get some cash, fucking put in plastic cellophane, like, so if you're coming from Cuba, it won't get wet.

How are you going to explain that one? TSA opens your bag. TSA ain't got, no, because listen, relax, all right? Don't worry about nothing. You just get on the ship, and I'll get you to that island. Nobody knows nothing for 60, 70 days. Your mom, you're not going to do that. We're not going to go to jail from fraud. Thank God.

We're going to fuck with people like the Beatles did in 66 when they told the world that fuck and whatever was dead. And they believed it. What happened? I don't know. Who did they say was dead? One of those fucking Paul McCartney. Oh, really? This is one of the Beatles

was dead? Yeah. Holy shit. And if you watch Sergeant Peppers, there's a couple of album covers, they fuck with you. And these kids are smoking dope eating acid. They bought a hookland and sinker. We can fucking make you disappear,

like fucking that chick that disappeared on the cruise. They still haven't found them. The guy's been arrested 18 times, but they still haven't found that poor Natalie Holloway, rest in peace. That guy's been arrested. He confessed to kill him. I mean, what the fuck?

You got to get that guy, nail him down, and tell them, listen, it's over. Tell me what a fucking crypt is so the body of the family could sleep. They don't know. They think he gave a star of death. She ended up on an island as a go-go dancing. Like fucking Hans Island

testing out heroin and learning karate and shit. Fucking people got no class. You know what I'm saying? Do you think you would remember exactly where it was? What's that, brother? Like, he said, like, looking for her body. Like, do you think, like, 20 years later, you can be like, yeah, it's right here. You know, man, unless he put it to the ocean and it just, that's the only

fucking thing he's got. That poor girl didn't deserve to go like that. Nobody does. You know what I'm saying? Now, back to fucking happy at times. Why do you drop this gloom and gloom on me? I didn't drop the fucking morning, sucker. This is my day started. You know what I'm saying? This dude was just fucking a hammered in a hotel. I didn't know comedy last week, but this thing was getting on stage a few nights. I got some secret open mics. I'm going to drop into shit.

You know how I do it flat. Nice. You don't even see me coming. I did a couple of weird, like not weird shows, but like I had one. And you always say like never, never blame the sound. But like the sound was just like no one could hear anything. And it was like I, I, I, I. ended up, like, walking into the crowd a little bit.

Because there was no stage. It was just, like, you were on the same. It was, like, at a restaurant. And, like, I made it work. Like, I had a pretty good set. And I was just, like, really happy. Because I've had shows where, like, that, where no one could hear you. And I just, like, basically crumbled. Well, here's the beauty of that. There's two, you know, there's two states of mind here.

When I say, don't blame it on the microphone, it said, listen. I've seen people at the comedy store come off in the original room and say, they're in a showcase and go to mic, you know, it wasn't getting through. I was in the back. You didn't have no, you didn't have control. You didn't have any presence behind your joke. You seen meek on stage.

That's what I saw. You, you know, cop to it. But when you go to fucking Ringo's house of stakes on Friday and Saturday, as a semi-professional you better expect if you're expecting Rick James studio you're out of your fucking mind

if you're expecting like a studio and Bruce Springsteen's house it's not gonna happen they usually have that fucking speaker stand with the fucking tripod hanging on your left

and you know it's like you don't think that thing is good for if you're a singing an organ band like if a guy's got an organ and you're like you are the sunshine of my life

that type of shit. Yeah, it sounds like it's from the 40s. As a comic, when you go up there, you say two words, the worst thing you could do as a comedian, a young comedian, because you have no material, and don't get me wrong, I did this. This is why I know,

is do 10 minutes on the microphone. Oh, don't do that. Because they'll come here for eight years, and every comic that goes up does 10 stupid minutes on the microphone instead of not mentioning it, pulling it out of the way, throwing it on the fucking floor,

and just doing a one-man show style type thing. Right. Involve the audience more? Definitely. Now listen, when I was doing comedy five years, I didn't know that. If you want me to tell you, I knew that from the beginning.

No, that's after watching, trying, you know, all that, type of shit. It's cool to see, like, and it's just starting to happen. Like, me running into the same situation a second time. Like running in, and actually, like, seeing like, oh, this is, okay, this is something that I've dealt with before.

Lee, if you were a construction, if you were not a new construction, but let's say you were a remodeling contract. Okay. And you came to people's houses and built decks. and added addition and shit like this. When you look at it, you go, this is a 12-day job. But I'm going to add two days as a professional. And if it doesn't, I'll tell them we've ended the job early

and we're not going to charge them. And I look like a hero, right? That's the way to do it. Right. I added the two days because I know I'm going to bump into something. Right. I know in the back of my mind, again, I didn't know this at the six-year, But finally, one day you get it, that instead of complaining, think of it like they gave you an opportunity to perform, your fucking terrible comedy, until you get better.

And they didn't complain. And here you are bad mouth in the onion rings and the fucking microphone. You know, when the onion rings are soggy, the tequila sunrise tasted like poison. Who gives a fuck? They gave the opportunity, take what's there. Right. Oh, yeah. Listen, you go from an open mic doing comedy for 23 comics

Who don't give a Frenchman's fuck Four of them have mental illness One of them is on the run You know Then you graduate to eight people Then 12 people Then 16 people And Bonnie's burrito basket

Gives you two nights of hosting karaoke and stand-up You got two sets You know, it just And then after a while if you're not going into fucking Madison Square Garden, Carolines when it was open, Rogans, Chappelle's, the Comedy Store,

Gotham, Punchline, Atlanta, whatever. There's going to be a niche from time to time, but not as much as when you go to a fucking bar. What do you mean a niche? Listen, when I go to a comedy, I can't tell you the last time I went to a comedy club and the system failed or something like that. But I can tell you about all the one night

is where I went, where, listen, they're not fucking, this guy's got a shitty bar in Idaho or Missoula, Montana, and he just wants people to come in on Tuesday nights. Right. The guy, you come in and say,

you got to get a, this, this, this, this, but he think this fucking guy does. He goes to Radio Shack and gets, the opposite of everything you tell them. Right. I want to give it a chance first before I invest big money.

Well, guy, this is part of the fucking angle. If it don't work, you got the speakers for karaoke. Don't you sing? You got the iPatch. Make it fucking a duo here. So that's, you know, so now it's so weird. So when I go into that bar, I expect them to be something. Well, I used to go to Felipe's.

Okay. Felipe and Willie Barsena tremendous gentleman. They had a room down in whatever. It was washing money joint and Mount Bello, whatever the fuck. They changed names 18 times, but

those 18 times, and those 15 years, those motherfuckers did comedy twice a week. Was it just the same people the whole time just changed the names? Yeah, they kept changing the name or we kept selling, you know, the different as they got bigger, this, you know, whatever. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. The point is, this was not a comedy club. This was where you went when you thought you were getting sought. Really? I think you were doing too many comedy stores and too many laugh factories and too many ice houses and too many improvs. You went down there on fucking Wednesday and Saturday as a reminder how precious every fucking joke is.

And down there it was gangbangers. And they heckled, and you had to be careful with your heckles. Really? You wouldn't even fuck with them? That's why the bar changed name so many times. From how many people got their head buster out in the back, Mexican bikers, you know, I told you, my man Martin Moreno had a fucking rule that we showed oceans on a Tuesday night, and there was fucking candles. The doorman got shot the night before.

That's right before. That just got out of jail and asked me for $10. Can you let me ten bucks? She started the bracelet from county. She had a paperwork and her jacket. And she was looking for ten bucks to do for blow. You know, these things are unreal, but that's the education. Right.

I used to go to a place that was a chubby dude from Boston. They used to book a place in South Bay. It was a Wednesday night. They gave you a stew and something else, potato salad, whatever. and it was 50 bucks and if you were at MC you got 25 to drive from Hollywood which that's gas

yeah that's not bad so that would be 25 bucks for gas and you get the dinner and you get to open for some fucking he got some nice people to go down there but every time I went down there you know it was a 50 you could just do

letterman right let's say letterman get you a 15 minute spot you got a standing over The next day you woke up like my man, Tony Hinchcliff, you wanted to cover of fucking variety, and the world is yours, and you take that same set and go to Lulu's Beehive, smoothie joint,

and somebody will fucking go, that sucks, and you'll be blown away. Like, I just did this in front of a national audience, and they did great. They bombed, I bombed. But that's the game, guys. That's the game. And, like, you would send yourself to, like, those shows?

Like, I don't think all, like, headliners or whatever are doing those shows once they get into, like, the store and the improvs and places like that. Listen, after, like, 2012, 13, things started getting a little wild. And, you know what? I'd been in the rooms. I'd been in one-nighters forever. And it was time. I was older.

I was in my 50s, you know, early 50s. I didn't have time to play games anymore. I didn't want to get bumped anymore. I didn't want to, you know, it's just something. So I went to the store. The Laugh factory took care of me from time to time. The improv, always. You were there with me in Brea.

Yeah, of course. If it wasn't for Brea, where would I beat it? That was the beginning of me. starting an R-rated show with Dan from the Dan called me and said, I think you could do this. And we made it grow from four people to sellouts. You know, I had everybody down there. It was fun as fuck.

People would eat edibles. You were coming down for the chocolate cake and we smoked dope around the back. And we had times that that's what comics do, you know. We weren't drinking. It was a Wednesday night. We would just get fucking lit. eating, eating, getting tacos, people would bring tacos. You know, it was just a great fucking time.

But after a while, I didn't need those rooms anymore. I still went down to the rec room that closed, closing. I still did other rooms. I can't remember what they were, but I still did the ha-ha. You've done everything up there. Yeah, you know, I'm the type of guy like I know is, oh, you saw me at the Fourth Wall. you saw me a flappers what we fucking talking about here

you saw me I like experimenting that's me but I experimented too much when I shot my special and it's just we won't get into that right now but it's an educationally and at that point

when I met you I was doing comedy 19 years wow okay and I was about to go in to the biggest learning process of my life right of like making it of no of getting from a mediocre situation to a better situation I didn't know how I was going to do it but I wasn't quitting I was going to keep trying to be

funny and funny and funny and then you know the podcast world came up and then storytelling came up all the right things came at the right time where my strengths all came together. Right. And I'm just, I was wondering about this before the show is like, was there like a moment? Not, I know I just make it, but like when like you felt successful as a common, like was it like a one time thing or was it like something that just gradually happened? I don't feel successful as a comic.

Really? No. But I do feel successful as a human. being in the things that I accomplished. Do you know what I'm saying? What's the difference? Why do you not feel like you made it there as a comic? You know, Jerry Seinfeldon made it as a comic.

Joe Rogan made it as a comic. Kevin James, you know, it's it's just little things that you do to make you who they are. And then there's a guy in Tennessee that you've never heard of that could make us all fucking just die and bang on the table and go,

the fuck you know the stars have to align so okay i never had high hopes i never had like kevin hart dreams or no i never had anything like that i never wanted to pursue that there's things you could do to make you appear bodyguards right no i i never expected you to have any of that or you know 12 people traveling with me, you know, everybody fucking getting lit, people getting DUIs. I'm fucking, I'm having a hard time being responsible for me.

I got to be responsible for 18 people. Right. But you're like, most happy about it. I'm happy about my journey at the store. I'm happy that I was never banned from there. You know, like people talk about like Eddie Griffin was banned. Joe was banned for a while.

You know, a couple people where you're getting to for all the shit I used to do down there I never got banned you know was it something you were worried about I worried more about getting banned for bombing

oh that would suck because at the end of the day the reason why I changed because I had to get respect for something so I took comedy very seriously and most importantly since I failed on everything else

for me to be good at it I had to respect it how to respect the power of it I had to respect it once I started respecting it as much as I did not running a light not stealing a joke not so many things

what people don't look at is what I looked at because I knew at the end if I stuck to those rules they would make me a better comic and where would you find these? Because I don't want to fucking, you know, I'm not big intake.

Can I talk to you for a second? I don't like that material you're doing. Who the fuck am I to come up to you and say, I'm like that? So many fucking things I don't like about that. Right. You know, I don't know what the equation was, Lee. Till this day, I'll sit and go, wow, this, that, this, how. And all I could equate for it is 30 years.

it took 22, 23 for something to happen. People are sitting at home going, you're a fucking loser. 23 years. My cousin did it in four. Okay, fine. Where's your cousin now? Where am I?

Right. I'm fucking 61. And I can still run. I'm just waiting for the right time. I can still run. Do people talk shit to you about that stuff? Do what? Do people talk shit to you?

about that stuff? About what? I don't know, like that it took you too long or... For a while, people would give me shit that, you know, I look at this guy, did it in 10 years. Didn't matter to me because I never thought I was going to make it. So for me, it was just something I could be involved in. I was already in SAG for fucking 20 years, right?

In 2008, 2017, that's 20 years in SAG. Wow, so you're almost at 30. Yeah, three more years. I'm at 30, and by that time, I'm ready to fucking abandon ship anyway. You think I want to do fucking Shakespeare when I'm 92? I can see you doing Cuban Shakespeare. You know, it just, you have to, I always looked at it as for what it was. I didn't go to Montreal.

I never got picked. I never had a big-time agent. You know, no shows were developed around me. Then you realize. then you realize something. All the hard work, everything you put into it is based around one thing and that's selling tickets. Right.

And it comes back to you. I grew up in this shit, you know. The mob, this, that. You're only as good as your last envelope. And like that's what I was thinking. When I was thinking about this earlier today, my definition of like being a successful comic is being able to be on the road

as much as you want in whatever cities and clubs you want and selling out. Like that, like, I'm sure all that other stuff comes with it, but to me, like that would be like the dream.

Just doing, like just selling out clubs whenever I want. I'll tell you what. That's a great fucking dream to have, but I'm going to give you a better dream to have that you're going to travel 35, five weeks of the year and be the best smartest comic that you could be. Okay.

And you always have to be somewhere, you know, look at it for what it is. Simplify the goal. Simplify that fucking goal. How, you know, you know, how are you going to get people in it? But right now, I don't want to get, I just want people to become a solid comedian. Right. I fucked around for 10, 12 years. I get it.

you could become solid in five. In your head, you think you're a legend at five. And I'm okay. I'm okay with that. You're a legend. You're this, you're that. You're going to get a cold awakening somewhere. Somewhere.

We all do. And it's going to be when you least expect it, when your ego is on fire, and some kids are going to go on before you with a violin, get a standing ovation. And you're going to want to jump out the fucking window in the back, because you've never had to deal with that. Right.

Yeah, exactly. That's pretty much what happened to be hard. Why? Because we put ourselves in bad situation. I told you my history of contest. In the beginning, I was riding a little high. I didn't know. I thought I could just go in there and be fucking Dean Martin.

And I still remember going up in front of the board at CU to open up for Charlie Hill. the American Indian comic that I became friends with years later. When I told him the story, you should have just called me. I would let you open. I go, that wasn't now. Right. That was 1990 fucking two.

And did you not do well in front of the board? Well, in my mind, I was Johnny Bananas. I went up there. I did some powder the night before. I'm Dino De Laurentis. I'm 31 years old. I ate a bag of dicks. They just looked at me, three people, three little Indians

who were like, what the fuck? What the fuck is this? I still remember going for an audition at Copacabana, having $2 in my pocket, and paying $15 to park, which took the wind out of my fucking sale. For 15 minutes, I had to run in there, get on stage, and they threw characters at me,

and I did the same character. Every time, no matter what they ask for? This is the only character you got. I said, thank you. I left there. Well, there goes my hopes to say on that live. I can't even make it on a Spanish troop at the Copa fucking Cabana. There's so many things that I went to, and I was far from it.

My nerves, you know, there's so many fucking things that you'll catch as you put yourself in those bad positions. You know, going home after a bad bomb, that's a long hour drive. Oh, yeah. It's a long hour drive. It's always at least an hour. I still remember driving from Wyoming after like a wild bomb and fucking just going, what the fuck, thinking about quitting, what my options were. Can I join the Navy with a felon?

Your mind, you get so fucking frustrated that your mind takes you into the deepest corners of how am I going to get out of this? Do you even, do you have the radio on? Because you were talking about music earlier. When I bomb, I don't even turn the radio on when I'm driving home. I like to sit in silence. That's too intense for me. Because the mirrors start talking to me.

The glass starts talking about it. No, no, no, no, no. That's too intense for me. I was telling Jimmy Florentine today, you know, we were talking about how, you know, there's people who have these businesses where they watch you on stage. I'm not going to say any names. they watch you on stage and then they come up to you and offer coaching.

Okay. Do you remember? Yes. All right. And how he had one of those guys. And we've all had them. They come up to you at the, they hang out the open mics.

They lurk back there like fucking kid molesters. And then they'll come up to you and they'll come up to you with their credit. Like, I don't know if you've ever seen this. And it's like, you know, you know, somebody said I'm a great comic. Right. But I got to L.A. I got a deal.

Mitzie wanted me to be a regular, but I didn't really want, was interested in the comedy store. And then my mother got a heart attack. She broke her ankle, roller skating. So I had to move back to help her. That's always the, you know. My girlfriend left me for a penguin,

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in new customer. Five dollar wager required. Max $100 in casino credits awarded which require one-time play-through within 168 hours. See terms at casino.draftkings.com slash promos. Restrictions apply. All right. We're back, Savage. What do you got this week? Lee? Anything good?

Yeah, I got two things on Friday. What do you got? Good, damn. I heard he talking about me on Saturday. I love when you go off beat on me. You got to go to a voice coach pretty soon. For what? How do I do?

To work with you, to give you more fucking oom for your voice. No banana in my tailpipe. You know what I'm saying? Like just... What you want to talk like this? I don't know. You want me to lower my voice? Listen, I don't know.

You got problems. Anyway, go ahead. It's hard to argue with you. I'm a mate. On May 4th, I'm opening up for the, um, God damn, I'm just really high. I'm at the Rockwell for the Lemon Party podcast. Sorry. You're opening up to them? Yeah, they're doing a live podcast and me and another comic are doing stand-up.

Um, they're a comedy podcast, yep. And it's, the Ben, um, from the Tim Dillon show and, uh, his brother, his friend. And it's a great podcast, Lemon Party podcast. And then May 7th, I'm at the Williamsburg Common Club. Oh, shit. May 7th. That's a Wednesday, correct? A week from today. So that's a Monday.

Tuesday. Hmm. Hmm. I might have something for you. Okay. Now it's coming to me. Pestos, festos. Anyway.

Espiritos malo. You better be careful when you're in New York. Why? Protesters are out. They're going to take you into a tent and light your balls on fire and yell fucking things at you. I've never been happier. Like, people would always come up and, like, I thought I looked like the typical Jew. I got to be honest.

I thought I looked very Jewish. And people are always like, oh, you're Jewish. I never would have been able to tell. Like, it would be scary. Like, it would be scary in some places to walk around. You told the world that you're Jewish. Don't worry about. I've been a flying Jew for 15 years or whatever it is.

And now you like Kevin James before the operation or after he took the slim tuck. And then, you know, you're going to be fine. But be careful in one of those huts. They do creepy things here up there in Columbia. You know what? I've been to New York a bunch. I know. I haven't seen anything weird.

Not yet. Out of the ordinary. I did want to talk to you. I forgot about this. The last time I was there, I kept seeing. dudes pissing off of like the subway platform. Like that's something that was new.

I had never seen again like no one can't no one no one no one said anything about New York. No they're not going to tell you a sign people pissed on it's like in San Francisco you got download the app not to step in shit. New York ain't that advanced yet.

There's a lot of techno people up there in fucking San Francisco they're on top of that. Here they got to give you like a thing. We're not to get pissed on we're not to step on a fucking this, we're not to get, you know, where Chinese women shouldn't go if they don't want to get hit by a black dude.

You know, because every day, a Chinese chick in New York gets fucking karate chopped by some black dude. I don't know if they get the me's vets. I don't know what the fuck that problem is. You know, when Bruce Lee came along, the brothers are cool with the Chinese. Everybody was like, all right, we dig it, Kung Fu.

But now it's back to every fucking day I get up. Queens. Chinese woman gets karate chop by fucking black. And it's always a black dude. It's never a Jew. And I'm not saying nothing bad about black people. I don't want people coming after me.

I'm just telling you the truth. It's funny, as a matter of fact. Even black people make fun of it. Why they always got a karate job of black woman on the street? And I see a lot of brothers with Chinese women or Asian women. There's never a problem. But these homeless dudes, I don't know what it is. They're laying in their fucking cardboard box one day.

Some Chinese ladies walking by with a bag of oranges. and some fucking dim sum, and all of a sudden, this guy wants a karate, puncher in the head. He doesn't even take the dips up. And they're, I've never,

I haven't even heard about this. This is like a real news story? Yeah, I'm not kidding. During the pandemic, it was worse. Now it's like two Chinese people a week at one up in Queens or Brooklyn

and one in China town. That's, I guess I'm just lucky. I haven't been, I did have one guy come at me with Daggastino a little bit. You're not Chinese. I can see if you had, unless I give you 400 milligrams and put away on your heels, then you got a problem.

I'll let you loose in the Bronx. You'll get like 18 karate chops to the neck and you'll find a beard that's all over. Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ, can you imagine me in high heels and it? Listen, I don't want to imagine it. I don't want to see it. I don't want to think about it because right now there's some young, comic going, you know what, I'm going to roofy Lee and dress them up and take a picture of

why would they roofie me? Because that's the only one we're going to put, get ladies shoes on you. It's tough getting ladies shoes on those fucking Jewish fucking feet of yours. They're like Fred Flintstone feet and they're flat. They're like, they have to go back and forth to fucking the shoe store. When they get those, those three pair for $10, you go to the fort, you go to like the size 13s and 14s. They get cheaper. They give you like a blue tag, 80. percent off. Red tag, 10 percent. You don't know until you get to the red, just like a surprise.

I don't think you bought a lot of women's shoes. No, I tried to always buy when I was, you know, when you're on the road, you have to go on those places to get sneakers. Right. So you have to go, you know, I'm size 13, so I would want them to last. I just can't

buy sneakers to, you know, go to a party. I bought a pair of sneakers never for a while, you know what I'm saying? So I had to buy size 14. and in case the fungi toe popped out. Holy shit. Is that that old? Oh, yeah.

The fungi toe concepted in 1991. I dropped, no, 93. I'm sorry. I dropped a dumbbell in it in a gym that was on Tunley Avenue. That was a hotel when we were growing up, then they converted into office buildings at a gym. We were on the second floor. The people come up from the office every day.

When is the ceiling going to come down? The one kid is up there. doing devilers with like fucking 10,000 pounds and he throw the weight down. But the funny thing about that hotel was, it was a hotel. They were the only hotel in town that had a fucking Sony Triton in all the rooms. And they were locked into a stand. Sure enough, I had a buddy in high school. It was a nerd.

He figured out he went down there with a girlfriend or a school teacher something. And he figured out how to fucking steal the TV. So we went to rent a room with a fake idea. kick the door down, take the TV and run. And if the door next door was empty, that was going down too. We'd knock on that connecting door. Anybody next door?

Holy shit. How many TVs did you take? About 12. Holy. By the time we got finished at the hotel, they didn't even have TVs no more. They fucking did communicate with like a little box in the room.

Can we get you anything? They would let them listen to the TV or something. Yeah. They would put the TV on downstairs and shit. those are the great days those are like hotels had dirty channels you know like real

yeah that was the best part about going to a hotel but they had like really dirty channels you know I don't like that shit but when you're coked up but you need to get your dick hard those things hit the spot they do hit this button but then you get to the hotel on Friday

and Saturday you would have by the way one is three from Sunday to Thursday on Friday and Saturday, it's an extra $10 on your room charge. You're like $10. It takes me a minute to come. I can't do it. I can't take that loss right now. It's either the $10.

I got to not buy this eighth of a fucking grand for the small 20. I wonder if they even still have born in hotels. Do you think they do? Yeah, but I haven't seen it. Unless you go to like an hourly hotel where you're going to fucking, it's going to take you an hour with a banger and then an hour to get off the sheets and then an hour to wash that stuff off you. because somebody's got to go to the hardware store

and guitar removal to take that whatever's on that fucking stamenke bit off, you know, those dollar. But what I'm trying to say to you is if you put on Channel 18, that's what the porn was, but it wouldn't come in clear. Right. You got to buy it. You got to get the antenna.

Pilot the bombardier. You got to get like the whole thing and stand there. Every once on you got a little lucky. Like you catch like three minutes of a chick getting banged. Then you go to work and then the scene began. But you would never pay for it? Then I figured out something, who knows?

That was 30, 40 years ago. I hadn't stayed in the creepy hotels in 1985. You know what I'm saying? What was the final straw? I had a lot of couple straws. You know, in Jersey I caused damage at all those hotels. But they were great. That was a great education in 85.

And then going on the road. Like I still remember going to Rock Springs, Idaho. And I had to share a room with another guy. You know, and this fucking room stunk when we got there. This guy took his shoes off and that stunk. And then I took mine checkmate it, that motherfucker. And that room was smart. Like, if I don't know a little cigarette, it was going to go.

Oh, shit. And the hotel was creepy. The fucking doors wouldn't lock. I stayed at a hotel a bunch of times in Tucson. across from a diner, a Mexican joint. This hotel, Lee, you would have called me. You would have left. Oh, is that bad?

Yeah, you first off, when you took the shower, you were to get pink eye. I know you. It was one of those places. It was one time. You get pink, two times. You get pink eye just, there you go. You get pink eye just from walking in this place. And the worst was I stayed down there because every Wednesday,

we'd go to Tucson, like every Wednesday. From the LA? Yeah, he would fly us down. It paid $150 flat for the night. A free plane ticket and a hotel, and he'd take you to eat. Nice. Lunch and breakfast before you got back on the plane.

That's a great deal. The name of the club was Bugsies. Wednesday, they got a bug to come in. But he, you know, it was a small budget, and he paid for hotels. I mean, the flight then was $100, round trip. Wow. Okay.

I just remember going out there with Gabriel for $150. I lived in Studio City then. It had to be 98? No. 97, going with Gabriel, Martin, Rudy Moreno, Felipe, all of us. Every Wednesday. I'd go once a month. That's awesome.

But the hotel dog? you would smell crack you would spell crack you would spell women yelling you would hear women yelling guys yelling couples fighting and then one night there was a girl who came with us you know Jesus I didn't even think about the hotel until we got to the hotel my phone started ringing about an hour after we got there that first the yeah the night of the show we got back to the room everybody said goodbye see you to take the plane and she was banging on doors that they were trying to break into a room and shit. So fuck.

You never thought about just driving? No. Not taking the hotel? I was trying to get out of cars at that point. Okay. I was doing comedy eight years. I was trying to get out of fucking cars. I had been in a car for eight fucking years.

I used to drive from Seattle to L.A. the way, you know, fucking we go to. the 101. Right. Six months, I was in Seattle. I took a trip every month, L.A. Every month. I'd save up money, shoot down. Thank God. My friend had a friend, the couch, a hotel.

Yeah. I was driving, brother. I was driving five hours one way every weekend from fucking Seattle or Portland. Not Seattle to Portland, but Seattle to Oregon. Parts unknown. I was going to fucking all parts of, what's the other one?

You got to cut through. Washington's pretty big. Idaho's fucking big. This was no joke, Lee. Washington State is huge. We would do, last week when I went to Moon Tower, I ran into a guy in the elevator. Very sweetheart of a guy.

And he was here showcasing his comics. And I asked him where he was from. And he goes, Tacoma, the Tacoma Comedy Club. And I go, you know, man, in 1996 and 2007, I used to do comedy in Tacoma. We did comedy for a guy that had a karate school. And we did it

next door at a bar. People booed you. And he wasn't even put you in a hotel. He put you in the fucking karate school. You slept on the mat with a pillow in the morning. He'd bring you a McDonald land and you were in your car because the class was coming in. Fuck.

But at least it took night on the road. Like that's pretty crazy. 75 bucks for a feature and a buck 25 for the headliner. I still remember because I started as a feature. Then the last two times he made me a headliner, not because I was a headliner, but he figured, you know. And it didn't bother you, obviously didn't, but like this hotel or like sleeping at the karate school

wasn't enough to like make you not do the gig. You know, man, at that time it was a Monday night. No. It was a Tuesday. So Monday you would have the open mic at the Seattle Club, which you never missed. And then, or it was the other way around. Monday was Tacoma. Tuesday, you had the underground if you want it.

And then something started at Moscow, Idaho. On Wednesday night, John Fox had the lounge at a hotel on Wednesdays and Saturdays. So if you get Donna Richards to give you something on Thursday and Friday, that was a fucking great week as it come. Oh yeah, having a show a night. A show a night. I think the first night you slept on a karate floor. I don't know where you slept the second night.

And then the third night, they would give you a hotel, not the best. Thursday and Friday in that one room I'm telling you that she'd give me all the time. It was an okay hotel. Okay food. They gave you 35% off to eat. You got a coupon when you check things. the food was God awful. And then

Saturday was a great hotel. It was the same one as Wednesday night. It was like a Ramada or something like that. They had booze in the fucking cabinet. She would scratch your head. I never had a visa card so they wouldn't let me in there. They wouldn't lay you in the rooms? No, they wouldn't let me.

No, they wouldn't turn the phone on. And they wouldn't fuck them because I didn't have an ATM card. How would you be able to check in the room? Because I don't know how you do that now. Cash, 50 bucks. Wow. You can not do it now. It's impossible, possibly.

That's crazy that you wouldn't be able to do that now. Like you'd be stuck in your car. But that's always like the level that because I love, I love stand up. Living in my car or something like that's one thing. Like I don't know if I have in me. I'll knock on what it'll never happen. but that amount of dedication is pretty intense. I love you to death, but also know, no disrespect, you're Jewish.

If you're stuck in a town after Sunday, you can check out Sunday, and you got to pay for Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, at 180. You know what these hotels are going for now? Yeah. You get a $100 hotel room now. You're taking a chance. It's not going to be hot water. no shampoo, those little towels that you need all eight of them,

and you freeze, there's no heater in the back. There's going to be a tremendous, by the way. No orvator, and they put you on the 18th floor. Blood in the sheets. I mean, where does a young, we had this discussion the other day. Where does a feature act go? The car, yes. No, this is how it's done, guys.

Okay. So the first time I come to Boston, I got a laugh Boston I'm co-emceeing like I'm that bad like the guy's just doing me a favor because I work with his second cousin or whatever but I'm not bad

I got like nine minutes but I don't know about all these intros and shit but that Thursday there's an open mic and that Wednesday there's an open mic and fucking I don't know name of town in Boston and I go Wednesday night and I'm before you on the list.

Okay. Again, you're like, that guy's got a funny joke. You know, he reminds me of this. And then Thursday night, I bump into you again at a different open mic, like the second one of the night. And then we start talking. Where are you from? Papa. Oh, I'm going to, I'm doing, and I'm a big shot.

Yeah, I'm working left Boston this weekend. I'm co-MC and shit, you know, and we all know. You know, we all know, but we're young, we're dumb. And guess what? You come down and I finagle you until getting a guest set. And, you know, you find out that I slept in a hostel Wednesday and Thursday. You're like, listen, man, next time you come up here, give me a call. I live with my mother, we've got a basement.

You could crash there. Maybe you could tell I'm a solid guy. I'm a good comic. I work good clubs. You know, the guy likes you, Lee. He wants to even listen when I come. come up here next time, I do the rooms, I'll call you, Lee, and you can

feature for me. And six months later, sharing up, the guy comes up, and now you become friends. So every time I go to Yorkville, you put me up, and every time you come to Jersey, I put you up. Right. And you develop that. Now, the second time you go, you go as a feature.

You crash them. The third time you go, you go as a feature. You crash with him. This time he lets you in the house. He says, like, I'm not going to be there, but just take over for me, drive the car. I'll tell you what. The fourth time, honestly, you feel

a little guilty. Asking to stay there? Yeah, and by that time, you figure it out. Figure what out? How to get a room. Oh, okay. But guys, I don't want you to worry about this now. But this is how you make

relationships. And when they come to Denver, they stay with me for two nights. Doug Stanhope. That's how me and Doug met. Boom. the story. The second time he stayed with me, the third time he stayed with me.

We tried to keep in touch. He lived in his car. It's tough to communicate on an A-track, fucking, you know, and I bumped into him in Seattle five years later. And next you know, I'm in L.A. with him sleeping on his fucking bunk bed. That's crazy. And, like, there's the amount of people you'll see

like that. I, people are sometimes say, I'm like, oh, I'm surprised you're nice. I like, you get a little itchy? Huh? You get a little itchy? Nah, I've been looking for this nose hair trim for about two fucking weeks. And I sit down and it's right there hitting another thing. I got fucking the nose.

I got my nose hairs playing songs in there. You know what I'm saying? Like it's fucking loose. I found the snop behind the snot cave today. It was stuck between two hairs. Not good. Not a good look, guys. But that's how you develop those relationships.

guys. By going out there, yeah, the first time you might sleep in your car, the second time you might get a hotel for discount. Your mom works for NCAACP. What's the other one? The old people one, I'm sorry. AARP. Oh, the older people, yeah?

Yeah, you know, there's always a scam. But at some point, you go to yourself, you know what? When am I going to start getting my own hotel rooms? Right. So I'm going to go home. And I'm not going back on a real-time headline. I'm going to get to one of the comedy clubs, whether it's in New York or L.A.

And I'll work myself to that comedy club. Get spots at two, take out the garbage. Fine. Fine. I'll sleep in my car. And before you know it, you get an apartment, you have a girlfriend, you have a day job speaking dirty to gay guys on the phone.

You know. Are they hiring? I don't know, but you should contact them, Cox. He's always hiring a nice-looking Jewish. men like yourself. You know how many Palestinian guys are calling into those gay services now that are gay and going,

I want the Jew to talk to me. Bomb me. I've been a Jewish guy would do it. I would do it. I know you would. A small 50 an hour, 80 an hour. We're talking about this. You called me like a few weeks ago and you're like

some like a hundred million to like be with a dude. And you said like there was no number. I said for like a hundred million. You were something about ditty, I forget what it was. But you said like you said there, like, you know how I sit on people's lamps? Oh, yeah.

And like, you're like, you're going to get hooked. You're going to hook. I'm going to hook you up with this dude who's going to fuck you with a small $100 million. And I'm like, okay, yeah, fine, $100 million. No taxes. And you were like, you wouldn't admit to any number. Listen, you want to take $100 million? Who, me? Yeah. No.

It would be talking about it. You fucking break me. Maybe he'd be nice. Let's answer a question. Michael Jackson was a good looking guy. Would you suck his dick for $10 million? Probably. Well, here, give me $50 worth.

Probably. You put $10 million and the story of sucking Michael Jackson's dick. You what? And you wouldn't get to have that story. That would be a fantastic story. That Michael Jackson sucked you dick. No, no. Well, I guess I don't know which one.

worse. What is wrong with you? You brought it up. What are you going to tell? Who are you going to tell that story? You're going to show up with your napkin and a fucking sperm removal kit from your mouth. You know, what are you going to do now? You wouldn't tell that story on stage? That I blew Michael Jackson?

Yeah. Not in a million fucking years. If I blew Michael Jackson, let's say 20 years ago, I wouldn't be alive right now. I'd be hanging in some tree in a fucking Catholic cemetery over the Jews. with tattoos, you know what I'm saying? That's fucked up, okay. I can't imagine that. I can't. That's not. 10 million is a lot of money.

So is a busted asshole whenever your friends know. You know what I'm saying? You're never going to win a fucking argument ever again. You're never going to be able to speak. I like the Knicks. Yeah, you like dick up your ass. I got cancer.

You should. You got to dick up your ass with, you know, you can't win with this thing on you. So you just, move on. If you're going to get the small dick for 10 mil, you got to come out and say you were gay, but then they'll null avoid it, and you get

nothing, you got like a licensee fucking bill, you know, 800 for the swallow and sag and whatever else, you know what I'm saying? Listen, what are you bawling me with these questions for? You know, I got a thousand milligrams in me. I got a half of mushroom stem, you know,

why do you throw these questions me on a fucking Tuesday? I pissed you off the other day because I had my blinker on when I was driving you told me you were like going off because I had a blinker on the turn left. No, I believe in blink.

Excuse me. I just, I ate a Cuban steak sandwich for dinner. Oh, nice. The garlic is coming up. Anyway, what I said to you was we're on the phone and the blink was on for like eight minutes before this guy had to make a left turn.

Which makes sense. I'm sitting there going When is this motherfucker going to make the left turn? And we kept talking. You still heard and I'm like, what is this fucking guy going to make the left turn? And finally I even said to him,

what's up with that left turn? He goes, how do you know? Because you've had to blink on for eight fucking miles. There's a guy behind you going, fuck you! And cutting you off. There's a hot little Chinese guy

who just threw a cigarette out the window. He's probably going to cost a fall. He's going to cause a forest fire. Because of how slowly I'm going to be it. You have, I love driving with you, but you have like so many rules for driving.

That's why I drive by myself, okay? I'm sorry. I got to give my daughter the fucking riot act. Come on. I get in the car today. There's an old cup with juice from jamba juice and a fucking piece of paper.

There's mud all over my fucking floor. There's cleat marks on the fucking thing. When does it end? Never Me I got spit everywhere From singing in the car I gotta wipe it down with Clorox tomorrow And take it in your car

Not spit like you know He's some fucking No but like from singing Like you're like When you're singing in the car And you talk When I'm talking to you and I'm driving You talk and you could see

Little sprinkles I don't know what they're from So who fuck knows I have no idea Who are the questions? I'm just happy to talk to you, buddy. Me too, always. So where you at this week?

I'm at the Rockwell with Lemon Party. Sorry, I got him back. On May 4th and May 7th, I'm at Williamsburg Comedy Club. All right, I'll probably see you that night somewhere. That'd be great. All right, my brother. See you. Same bat time.

Same bat champ.