The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Look at the shape of you

Episode Date: July 22, 2025

On this episode of The Church of What's Happening Now Joey can't believe that Lee Syatt is still alive, "If you're going to be that stupid, I gotta rob ya", the $1 million question in comedy and much more! SHOW NOTES: Support the show and get 15% off your Bioma order with code CHURCH at https://www.gobioma.com/church Support the show and get 20% off your first Lucy order with code CHURCH at https://www.lucy.co/CHURCH

What's happened, you savages, Uncle Joey, and his trusted fucking partner of death here, Lee Syatt. It's a Tuesday morning, the 22nd of July, and it's the Church New Testament coming at you. Let's start this mother. What up? Uncle Joey here. Let me talk to you about something. If your gut gets thrown off, everything gets thrown off. Your mood, your digestion, your energy, basically your whole life. Bioma is here to fix.

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Bioma probiotics, the goods. Kick this motherfucker meal, Lee. What up? What's happening, Lee? Good to see you, dude. Good to see you. How was your weekend up in Boston? It was, well.

But wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. Before we get into anything, it's birthday. It's happy birthday. Lee Syatt, he's dirty motherfucking seven. I'm crazy. 12 years, he's still not dead. You know what I'm saying?

You can say that he takes a licking and keeps on fucking ticking. I give him different edible combinations. I throw different defenses at him. I mix it up and he's fucking survived. I love you, buddy. Dude, do you know how Stanhope has like a death pool? Yeah.

I must be on somebody's. You know, all those edibles? You don't think so? What, 300 pounds taking 2,000 milligrams? Big dick pool. That's what we're at, Jack. We don't work. I'm losing on the debt pool, you fucking mook.

You don't work like that. We're slinging big dick up here. You just said I'm still alive, which is... That's right. That's good. We're both still alive. I mean, listen, I met you. I was a little younger.

Now I'm an old Billy goat. That's when I was a young Billy goat. And we're still here, motherfucker. But happy birthday to you. And I know you spent the weekend up in Boston with mom. Yeah, it was nice to spend it with her. Yeah, it was very nice. Look at you.

But I, dude, I'm surprised. I didn't, like, there wasn't a news story about a bald Jew killing people on the highway with a U-Haul. I had to drive a U-Haul in New York, first of all, and then I had to drive. I'm so, I'm so short that I don't drive, like, one time they tried to give me a pickup at like a car rental place, and I got out and I couldn't even see over the top. It was a dude, I had to drive the 405 on the way to work, and I told them, like, I'm going to kill someone if I'm trying to, I can't see over anything. And I, dude, my mirror, I've never driven a truck. When have I ever driven a moving truck? Which is crazy that I'm allowed to.

For $400, I picked up at a shell station. And it was dirty as fuck. But the right mirror, every time the car shook would turn. So I was on the highway. Fucking, I couldn't roll down the window to even check. It was a twist turned mirror still. Yeah, still 1920. Oh, my God.

U-Ha has 2,000 million vehicles, and all of them have a fucking knob. And then I didn't think about this. I was using Google Maps, and it took me on a highway. And thankfully, right before the exit, they're like, hey, this is a no commercial vehicle, nothing over 10 feet, and I was 11 feet. If I'd gone one more exit, I would have been either stuck or, like, I'd be one of those videos where, like, the top of the truck comes off. Would.

So it's fucking. wild that I survived this. And by the way, it is funny about the stairs. I was laughing because I always hire movers and they fucking hate me. They know it's four flights, but they're happy on the phone with the four flights. And then I got

into my, I got into my apartment to, like, clean it out. And, like, there was, I had some stuff in the freezer and it was like all frosty. And I figured they were just putting their heads in the freezer. Because they had to go up and down, like, 18 times. Oh, it's the best.

I love high-ups. I mean, if you're going to go up four flights of steps, I'm going to tip you extra. Yeah. But I'm going to sit there and watch you die. You know what I'm saying? I ain't grabbing shit. I ain't grabbing nothing.

I'll cheer you on. I'm like one of those white people on a race. I throw water at you and throw a little towel at you and shit. And yeah, maybe give you some gatorade and rub your shoulders. Oh, yeah. On the way up. But I'm not even going to try that shit. Like, that's something for, like, really young people.

Four flights of steps is you're 22. You have no money. And you live with 10 dudes in an apartment. And you can puke up there. You can do whatever. I mean, that's what. And they're in shape. Like, these guys were nice.

But the guys when I moved in were, it was there. I had white guys this time. You know what you got to do? Let's call them up next time and go listen. I got four floors, but don't worry about it. Bring me big guys because I got a ton of food. I'm going to give away. And they'll bring three guys looking like me after that first flight.

Just watch them go down. Mouth to mouth, fucking Mexican immigration. Oh, my God. It's fucking hysterical. Yeah, it would not be. Like, I did, I had to do like three trips, and I was drenched. Brutal. And I couldn't imagine, listen, I'm going to lie to you guys.

I was really sick in January. And there was one point in March that I could not walk from my chair to the bathroom. I would just have to get a cup from the refrigerator. I put like a P-cup up there one time because I knew I just, to take the pressure off me. Right. So I could pee like three inches and then make it to the bathroom. And three inches.

You take them fucking kidding you. I don't know what that means. When I got, you know, like three inches of, like three inches of piss. Oh, okay. Just take the pressure off me and I could breathe and regain my fucking breath. Okay. And then I would go into the bathroom and pee. But there were nights that you guys know me.

I wouldn't eat because I had to walk up those steps. Oh, damn. I'm like, I got cold water down here like a motherfucker. That's it. everything's upstairs. And I would sit down there until my wife came home or whatever, and I tell her I can't walk up. So I know, just, I can't even imagine four fucking flights of steps.

And you get all the way upstairs, right? You fucking sit down and all of a sudden. Because even the Chinese people won't come back. Like if they deliver the food fee and they forget the spare ribs, they ain't coming back. No. No, we give credit, man. That's it.

He ain't going back up. The guy will come back and go, I ain't going back up those steps. There's no way I'm going back up to the staff. I was surprised that delivery guys would do it. When I first moved there, I was like, oh, there's no way. And they came up the stairs, God bless them. Oh, but those, the Hispanic movers, dude, they went up and down when I moved in with more shit. And after it, they smoked cigarettes outside.

It was the most impressive. They were so much better than the white Russian ones. They trained with backpacks. Those are the same migrants that walk all over the place with the backpacking on. you're saying they gotta get to where they're going but all and all you had a good weekend yeah it was great it's uh i'm very it's crazy there's uh you know not everyone gets like to have their parents when like when i'm you 37 with parents is that's big bro it's big so it was nice to spend it with her good for you my friend yeah it was fun and the girlfriend's still out of town you along yeah the three

weeks oh oh her cat dude ha ha her cat her cat is a, like, like, just doesn't like anybody. No, but she's only, she's, anti-people. He was sleeping, and she crawled up on the bed just to whack him. Yeah. And crawled right back. Well, she's mad because her, like, my girl's been gone for, like, 11 days or something. So, and so she, like, when she's around, the cat will, like, allow me to be there.

Like, because I gave it treats. It would, like, follow me in, and, like, kind of, like, nip at my feet a little bit into the treats. and then if I didn't give the treats fast enough, it would whack me. But now, because I was gone a lot last week, like I stayed in Harlem packing up. Now when I get to the apartment,

it's like, because I've never had cats. So I'm learning that there's a meow, and then there's, I'm going to fuck you up, meow. Yeah, there's like three different meow. I'm hungry meow, pat me meow.

I hate Jews meow. That's the meow you get the most. It's like maybe she's fucking German. You ever think of that? She might be, but she's, apparently she attacks everybody. She attacked the cleaning lady the other, and she's a cute cat. I got these things that, like, spray stuff out that's supposed to calm cats down. No, no, catnip.

George is right. She has catnip, okay. You got to give it to her and play with her and get the ball. I can't touch this fucking cat. No, you don't touch it when they have the thing. Just get a string. Cats get amused, and it's time. At first you're going to look.

looking and go, go fuck yourself, you juke-cock-suffing. And then, and then. You think I should get a toy? Yeah, get a couple toys for her. Okay, I'll try it. Become her friend. I want to like this cat. You got another 12 days with this crazy bitch.

She's either going to kill you or you're going to kill her. She's going to fucking get, you're going to wake up, you're going to be like Henry, Hill and Goodfellas, when his wife's on top of him with the fucking gun. Henry, that's you. Dude, her place doesn't have a bedroom door, like it's just the way it's set up. So I have a like boxes Moving boxes set up as like a Like a barrier Oh no

Don't get around the cat I have to walk around the apartment I have pillows Stashed around the apartment Because I walk around with it like Like it's a goalie leg pad Like she's gonna cook you in the leg Oh because she loves getting hit me in the leg

Oh my God She loves it and it stings Why does getting scratched by a cat to sting Because they got shit on their nails Oh she always yeah She always cleans her fucking paws after she doesn't Oh yeah And we've been cool, but I think it's because she's lonely or something.

She's lonely, but bring her tonight, stop at whatever in the city, they're open. Stop at one of those Kmart. And get a cat toy. You have a cat department and get her a nice little catnip and get her some toys. The fishing rod with the fish. Okay. You know, they love that shit. They lose their fucking mind.

Get her something to laser. Apparently the lasers are illegal in New York, is what I've been told. They don't tell them. And then get the ball where you put the, thing in, the cat nip in and they play with it. Okay, I'll try that. I've never tried playing. Bro, let me tell you something.

One of the best things I've ever done in my life is get super high and play with the cat, okay? That's an hour and a half. Finally, you go, am I a fucking idiot? I mean, is there something wrong with me? I used to have a cat that I would get high at night, and I would get a towel, a piece of blank paper, and go, and he would, she would, he would charge up,

and shoot, and I would go, ho-e-e! And I would do that shit. for fucking two hours a night. Yeah, because you're so cool with your cats. That was, you're my first person that, like... You're so cool with your cats. Dude, because most cats, I've never been attacked, but most cats are, like, they just, they're weird.

Like, everyone's like, I have a cat, but it hides, you won't see it. And then, like, every once in a while you'll see it running from one room to another, but it hides under furniture. Like, I'm used to dogs. Listen, I didn't start out a cat lover. Okay, I didn't start out a cat lover. I was scared of cats. And I was scared after we pulled.

the burglary in 83 and the lady kept telling this every time we went over there she was a hell of a year for you every time it was 84 I'm sorry it was 84 right before I went homeless god punished me for robbing this house and every time I went over to the bike coke the lady go hold on and she go this is downtown north perrigan okay and she go how much do you have 250 okay hold on let me go wait in the room and I'll bring it back to you this went on for six months. And finally, you know, like when everybody goes over there, she, you know, we all got together one night. I'm like, you know, I forget what a fucking name was. Zorinda. She was Colombian, really pretty. And every time people went over there, it was 20 minutes to get your

shit. 20 minutes. She had to go on the back and pet the fucking thing. So we had an idea that maybe she's got a bodyguard back there or just the guy she's fucking back there. So one day, we decided to just break into the house and find out for ourselves. It was a cat, one of the Siamese cats. Oh, no. And as my friend came out to throw the loot off the balcony, I never saw that. The cat flew, landed on his head, and clawed right here. And he's up there and we're like, grab her off. He's like, I can't. I can't. He's trying to grab the cat. And every time he'd get the cat this off, the cat would switch to this ball and would rip this. Oh, my God, it was hysterical. We got in the car, that motherfucker was bleeding. When I see him today, I was going,

Let me touch the cat's cars. Fuck you. You still remember that, you motherfucker? And he still hates cats. No, and then I went to Aspen. And Steve Chavoney, his girlfriend, he had the dog, but she had two cats. And I don't understand.

Listen, cats are a fucking weird animal. I love my female cat. But I'll tell you, I'm the first one to tell you, she's a fucking bitch. It's all on her terms. And at the end of the week, you end up respecting that. The big reason why people don't like

cats is because you can't go, come here, killer. Don't look at you and go, go fuck your mother and walk the other way. And you're like, what the fire? I feed you? I clean your little box. I give you yums.

You feel they have to come to you on their terms. You have to treat them. If you're a man, you have to treat them how you would treat a female you were fucking trying to pick up. If you go after a woman, you're like, she's going to fucking leave. Cats, you've got to give them a flower

and then disappear for two weeks until they come to you. Cats are insecure like we are as comics. We go to a comedy show, and I say this about a lot of big names. Like there was one particular big name that I would watch at the Comedy Store when I first got there.

And if you watch those guys, I'm with George, I'm with Nick, I'm with Lee, and with my best friends in the world, I'm having a good time. But I want to know why Polly is standing over there, and he won't come over. I'm not concerned in a side follow me guys at all

and the psychological I'm with my friends but I'm concerned why isn't that motherfucker over here with us I don't know what I'm getting and that's you as a cat that's a cat if you have to

if you go home chasing a cat like when you get this cat nip you're going to go home you're going to be tired you're going to open up this bag and she's going to look at you and probably spot you just out of fucking Jew hating you know You know how it is.

She went to NYU, you know what I'm saying? She's in Free Palestine. Fuck, yeah, Jesus Christ. And you're going to go, fuck you, Joey. You don't know what you're talking about. Give her a couple days. Take the thing out, put the thing in there, put it on the floor,

make the jiggle, throw the fucking fit. How long, now it's a duel of the, what do you call it? Not the fittest, but a duel of wits. Who could do this for longest? without her attacking or without you giving up. I just don't want to get attacked.

She's not going to attack you. After a while, it's going to start attacking that thing. But every time she sees me out, it's like the danger. Well, then you have the stick, you whack it with the sticking. Let's get back to the fish.

I can't whack the fucking cat. Yeah, you can't. Every once in a while, listen, that's how it's going to cross. You're either going to have to kick it or fucking hit it with the stick. I just whack it with the pillows. I just move it when it comes out.

I'm just joking here. But what I mean is, just you have to just put that shit out and then one day you're going to be sitting there high as fuck and that cat's going to pick that thing up not only that jump on your lap and bring it to you and you're going to be like because I know that's how you know that's how I would be you're petrified and then they start doing this to you and you really don't know what that is like I don't know you know I didn't know so that made me kind of not like

cats right I mean but I don't want to like him I want to like you have to because she's got a cat and any other woman, every other woman you're going to be with has a cat or likes a cat. And if you want to get into the cat, you've got to like the cat, okay? We've been cool. We've been cool up until now, so hopefully when she gets back before you. Wait until you start dating, like, let's say God forbid, I love an issue with all my heart. But God forbid you guys break up. Two years from now, every girl you're going to meet, especially in the Arab descent or whatever,

they're all going to come up to you and say to you. Listen, you know, you want to come up and see my cat? What do you think? You want to come up and get attacked? That means come up and see my thumb. fucking cat. We're from Persia. I'll teach you how to fucking whatever. I don't know what these people are. I love the scenario that you're in. This woman is like being very aggressive with her pussy.

Every time I see like a hot Arab chicken, like that shit got a badass fucking cat at the house. I don't know why. Every time I see a beautiful Indian woman, I'm like, that shit got a mystical cat at the house. Like one of those cats that reads your fortune and shit tells you who's going to win tonight. The Red Sox is going to cover against the Against the Phillies and shit. Oh my God. Let's talk about something that Lee and I discuss, George and I discuss.

I'm 62. My IQ is probably like 84. Like, I'm just a moron. All right. I mean, I have a GED. I'm not well-spoken. I curse. I'm insecure.

You know, I got a lot of problems. But when a guy like me has to go, And Lee and I asked each other this question every other day. When did the world get this fucking stupid? When did the world? I was telling my fucking wife that what we have now is not that we're dumb also. We have another thing that's going on. It's called nerds.

I have never seen. Even at the weed store, listen, we were kids. Nerds didn't smoke wheat. They fucking built models. or whatever the fuck they did. They still do. They just get really high and do it. Like nerdy guys play computer games.

They just stayed away from all that. I went into the weed store the other day. And I seen two kids. Both of them were 20. They were on line. They couldn't look any goofier. The glasses, the braces, the curly, that new perm that these little faggots put on their hair

to stick out. They both had those fucking shoes, glocks. What do you call those? Crocs. What is it? Crocks. Crocks on. right away you're fucking losing with me you're like minus 88 as a human being right now

and I'm a felon you know what I'm saying they saw me the one kid looked at me and then all of something they went back I got my weed when I walk outside their bolt after and I'm like hey Joey can you take a picture with us and it's my birthday and I'm like sure and I'm looking at these guys you know what they were in there for that their vapor pen was broken and I'm like so I'm goofing on them they don't even know it I'm like so vapor pen broke they're like yeah man we don't know what the hell happened and I'm like 30 years ago me and George would just walk you into the back we got a box full of paper pens for you a box I'm gonna give it to you for free come on we would have beat them right there George those two kids

I would you had to beat them it's like that thing in LA people got me well where would you talk a girl if I go into anybody and I go hey if I get you on stage you're going to suck my dick? And they go, yeah, and you suck my dick. I'm going to keep doing it. You know what I'm saying? It's the same thing. I mean, that's quite the defense.

Huh? That's quite the, I'm going to keep doing it. Yeah, yeah. If you're this stupid, you understand me? If you go to yourself, wait a second, I've sucked this dick 18 times. I've never gotten on stage. And you go, okay, finally, maybe it's a joke on me.

but what was I getting to? I'm not sure. Cheapichu's back in the house, Jack. We did about 400 milligrams and a fucking 120 of that pagan strain. So what are we getting to? Who knows? I know, who knows?

But if you're going to keep falling for something as a human being, they're going to keep doing it to you. You have to. There's always going to be somebody who's going to go. It's like the kid who told me, do you know anybody who tastes, how to get into the mob.

And when I said to him, yeah, I got a guy in the Bronx. Right there, you're like, ah, if I'm going to keep going until you bite. And he's like, what do I got to do? I go, let me call the guy. Because I couldn't believe I was hearing this. And I'm like, I'll come back on a few days. And I'll milked them perfectly. Because if I would have gone for it, he would have known that was a scam.

I went home and thought it by and came back to the list. I talked to that guy in the Bronx. And I went to Kmart by my house and got a book of applications for $99. And I ripped that application right off. They put it in a yellow envelope. and put like Nikki Scars on it and gave it to him. Nicky Scars. And I'm like, fill this out.

And you got to give me $2,000 in a money order. Yep, no names on the money order. Just make it out the cash. This guy did all this shit. So, you know, why wouldn't I? What would I stop? What am I going to do? Wait for him to give me the money on and go,

I was just goofing on you. That's $2,000 and I need to pay the rent. If you're that stupid, I got to rob you. That was always my world. If you're that fucking stupid, I'm going to rob you. You cannot live your life like this. Anyway, Lee and I always have a segment in our morning conversations called The World is Getting Stupid.

And then my wife and I were talking about, you know, just different things that I see that were really fucking nerds. Like, my neighbors, I thought they were like, cool and shit. They tell me what concerts they're going to see. I stopped talking to him. Like, I ought to stop talking to them. What are they going to see? I might not even disclose, okay? Backstream.

favorite comic was and I'm like, done, blocked. Blocked. I don't even want to, I don't even want you borrowing the shovel. I'm saying, that's how much you're blocked. Like, I'm to that point in my life. I don't want to hear it no more. Anyway, what are we talking about anyway? So, something happened last week that I didn't really think about because I'm not smart like you people. I don't jump on things right away.

I need to process it. And then I run it towards the lieutenancy. and we laugh about it. Then I run it by my wife because my wife, and I tell my wife exactly how I feel about a subject, and we had this conversation today. Let's start with it, nice and simple. How stupid can you fucking be? What was the other thing we talk about? When did the world become stupid? I'll tell you when. When a guy takes his sidepiece to see co-play, that's when you're that stupid. See, this is a whole, we could do two weeks on this fucking subject because this shows you what I'm Tell him people. Nick and I discuss this this afternoon.

I don't know. Everybody says he's worth $1.2 billion. Is that what he's worth or is that what he's got in the bank? Probably worth. Okay, so he's probably worth $900 million cash. Somewhere there's $900 million with his name on it, his wife, whatever the fuck. After he gets caught cheating, that's still $450. Are you fucking kidding me? You took your stupid assistant to a cold play concert?

For starters, you should get crazy. caught just for that for going to see co-play because they're not the band. This is word cheating for. You're going to cheat cheat with fucking stones or fucking Ozzy's last hurrah in England. You went to Co-play, you dumb fucking

generic fucking Kool-Aid drinking fuck. Did you see him? Did you see how 100? What did he work? Anyway. He was loving it too. It wasn't like they were just having to be there. He's a record. He's a fuck. Again, this is why I tell you people, I don't care how stupid you think you

are you too can make 1.2 billion dollars because this guy just showed you how fucking stupid he is okay remember that book oj wrote if i was going to do it yeah if i was going to do it if i got 900 million i'm sure i got a little money scattered around somewhere okay you got a little money scattered around somewhere then i just call an agent and go hi c aa my name is whatever johnny astronaut, whatever the fuck he was, right? I want to make a movie about what? I don't know. But hang on it.

Three million dollars with your name on it. If you meet me today, I got a proposal for you. Let's just make up a short film. Get me Brad Pitt. Get me somebody else. Let's take him to Rome. And let's say we're shooting a movie. And I'll take this check as my assistant,

even if I don't shoot movies. You know what I'm going over to them? What are you doing? I'm going. Oh, you can't. can't go. You can meet me in a couple months. I'll be scuba diving for a month. I'm going to take that chick over there

and you saw that steak I ate. That's what the pussy's going to look like. Okay? I'm going to light that chick's pussy on fire. If you're going to cheat, cheating don't mean you go to a go play concert. Cheating means we meet, we fuck, suck. I rip your bra. I come in your mouth

and then we go, see you next week. And we get on each other's cars and we fuck until they do. You don't go in your fucking mistress's car. You don't do nothing. This is like dumb shit 101. How would you do it, Joey? A fucking beard. If you're going to take a mistress out, or if you're a broad and you're going to take a guy out, you need to get a fucking beard. What does that mean? They had her next to him.

That goofy broad had nothing to do with it. She was the setup. She was, she knew, and she was just a big one like a fucking retard. That, again, you could pay a chick a half-milk. Listen, just stand right there. Just stand right there with us. Okay, number two, why are you hugging her? You're supposed to be fucking her in the ass, not hugging her from behind, playing look memories. No, that's not it.

What the fuck are you doing? You dumb fuck! You fucking moron! With that dick face it is. Then when the camera caught them, both of them are looking for their wallet on the floor. Both of them. Number two, I just keep holding you. and waving.

And when my wife says, what happened, she didn't feel good. So I was holding on to anything. No, it never would have been a thing. It was only a thing because, like, it wasn't like they were looking for their wallet. I think she basically dropped to the floor and he did like a 360 or something.

He turned, listen, that dude was whiter than white. That dude was whiter than white and his face got even whiter. Look at that picture. He's fucking pale. He shit himself. And that, listen, oh, my God. I just never understood that.

If you're going to go, you got to go. You got to go, but you're not going to take a girl to a fucking con. Listen, you know what I pray for all the time? I pray that a hot girl doesn't sit next to me in the UFC. Do you see what happens when I go to UFC? Nephew number one. Do you see what happens? I'm staring at some girl's ass.

I always get in trouble. something at the UFC. Could you imagine if you put a hot chick or a young chick next to me, dog, they'd put me under the fucking jam. I don't, I think I went to one UFC where like three chicks were gonna sit there and I go, no!

I put like fucking two fat guys, I go, you take the seat, I'll seat behind you next to the fucking, you know, because that's all you need. Now I've got to explain that. Now listen, my wife knows I'm a fucking mental midget. She knows I'm not, you know.

But if I was going to give somebody a stabbing, it wouldn't be at a co-play concert. What concert would you go to? None. There's no concerts. There's like a meeting. We come over here. We look at cameras.

And also next thing, you know, you've been next to a woman, man. And all of this has happened to us one time. You've been next to a woman, and you're like on the borderline of fainting because you want that woman so bad. That's happened to me. When I was 16, that little hot melt in my neighborhood,

Faye Cardinelli, when I touched her leg dog, I almost melted. Like, I'm not lying. I'm telling you the truth. That's 16, my body couldn't handle that. And there's been other situations where as I got older, you're a little coked up, and the chick is like her bra is halfway there, her nipples popped out,

she's doing coke with you. Every time she goes to the bathroom, she comes out, and she ties her button and shows you the top of her pubic hairs. You know, and you're like, what do I do as a man? You know what I'm saying? Those decisions have always killed me. And one day I just say,

just ask them, hey listen, you're walking around with those, your pussy out, either take it off or put it back on. Oh, you want me to take them off? Yeah, take them off. Why would I take them off? I have a boyfriend.

Oh, you never told me, but you're, if I had a girlfriend, she's walking around with a tip, anyway, it doesn't fucking matter. But you know what I'm talking about here. I feel you. It's, I know, You found me?

You're a fucking galook. See what happened? Want another cheaper chew? No. Okay. So it's just crazy. I look at this and I go, how does this happen?

Where was this cold play concert at? I think it was like either Gillette or Fenway. I can't. Oh my God. What a fucking shame. And both of them now, right? They both quit. I don't know.

He resigned. My wife was saying, well, me and my wife are howling talking about this today. Like there's so many different ways if you're going to do this. It's like everything else. We've all forgotten why we're in this struggle. Cheat is to cheat. Maybe, I mean, let's say I had millions of dollars.

I would meet a chick. Where can you meet her, guys? Where can I meet a woman without somebody going to me? Hey, aren't you Joey Diaz? Probably have to be online. We follow on your Instagram. Where am I going to fuck her online? Online.

What am I going to AI into a fucking bedroom? No, you introduce you. You slide into the DMs. No, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about like, okay, let's say I just wasn't Joey Diaz. Let's say I was just a normal patoot. And I love my wife, but we've been together for 30 fucking years. And every once in a while, you've got to make sure everything's, you know, still tip-top my goo.

Okay, you're risking everything in the world. I'm risking my daughter's love. I'm risking a whole type of thing. Now, let me explain something to you. I've been with Terry for 25 years. If you don't think I've had situations where I wanted to fuck somebody or if you don't think I've had situations

where, you know, you almost come, you have them. We're men. We're on the fucking road. Things are going to happen. But I'll tell you something about me. Once I come close to a situation like that and I get out of it

and my heart starts beating and I smoke some pot and processed it. That's it. Because I don't want to feel like that ever fucking again. Right. You know what I'm saying? Listen,

everybody loves their wife, but everybody loves a little blowjob more. Just a little tiny one that you bump into in the hallway on the way on the way of the fucking the bathroom or something. You know what I'm saying? I'm never once they're going to... I'm just telling you.

And people are going to say, Joey, fuck you and your fucking hypocrisies. Everybody loves their wife and death. I wouldn't have a life without my wife. I can't pick up the phone and call a woman and go, hey, I want to meet you somewhere, and I want you to lick my nuts. That's not good karma.

But if I'm walking down the street to my car and some chick, there was a chick walking down here last week that walks a dog. Late at night, like 9.30, fucking beautiful. I was in the car and I'm like, where the fuck did she come from? She could have mug me. I didn't even see her. She had a hot little pants on, and a little dirty flip-flops, she was Spanish.

What if she just runs up to you and go, it's party time, cocksucker, take it out? It's party time. And that'll never happen. Right. It's the shit that, listen, what do you think keeps me alive at night? The shit that goes through your stupid mind when you're high,

how many times I throw something on, and you don't even watching it. You don't even watch it. You just put it on, you're listening to a few things, But you're thinking about all this other shit. I'm 62. I live in my fucking head, you know? I live in my fucking head.

Let me tell how much I live in my head. I'm sitting there Saturday night. Hi, as a motherfucker. We went to Saturday. My daughter had three games. But something happened during the first game, and she went home after the first game. And she went right to bed.

She didn't fucking feel good at all. And she was supposed to wake up and go to a party. She goes, Dad, I'm not even going to go. I'm not even going to. I don't even feel. good. But then at seven, she got up and she's like, Dad, I want to get out of here. And I go, we'll call somebody. And she called a friend. The friend said, yeah, come over. Come over and watch her move with me and my mom. My wife dropped her off.

And I go, Terry, what the fuck? It was earlier. It was six. The party was at four. And Mercy's like at five. She's like, I don't want to go. This only go to my friend. So I said, okay. We get in the call, me and my wife, we drop her off. And we just go driving around. I don't want to go to the same fucking restaurants, you know. You go, let's get the fuck out of here. And as we're getting the fuck out of that, I see this restaurant. Everybody says, well, two people say it's fucking great.

You got to go there, both the one guy's Mr. Health. And he calls it from the fucking tape from the, what is it, Nick, from the farm to the table. So me and my wife went in that, Doug. It's called Jasper Stone. and I didn't know what to expect. Now, my nephew brought it up to me and fucking George, I usually don't do well with YU beef,

but it was the special. I knew I was going to get seafood for my wife. My wife likes oysters, so I knew she'd get... So I asked for the half a tower. Thank fucking God. They gave me half the ocean on that muck. Huh?

You ordered a half a tower? They had a tower or half... Doug, please. That's a lot. a lot and a half a tower. So I was like, holy fuck. So I ate the, I ordered the whatever steak.

You know, not thinking of anything. Next thing you know, this little blonde guy comes up to me with a state dangling from a chain. I'm like, did he even leave a suicide note? This motherfucker, it was a piece of meat like a head. I thought it was Jesus on the meat. If I was Mexican, it would have been like fucking,

and he just lit it on fire, dog. Yeah, it was tremendous. He lit it on fire. I just send it to Joe. I wish I could get it up there. My God, this fucking meat, I ate three pieces of it because the seafood had filled me up. And it took it home.

Like, I just couldn't finish the garlic. I only ate a little piece of the bacon. I had a really good time in there. You would go to a restaurant. I did something. There was a couple who sat next to me. They were waiting for their meal, and I got my meal. And I looked at her, and she's like, oh, that looks yummy.

And I go, you want a piece of steak? And she just looked at me. I go, take a piece of steak. And her husband was old school. He's like, no. Take a piece of steak. Fuck you, husband. I gave her a piece of that bacon,

and she fucking loved it. And after that, we were just talking table to table. It was B-Y-O-B. Okay. So you got to drink water like a motherfucker. It's like being in fucking... It's like being on that island in Florida with the alligators around the shit.

They don't even get water twice a day. That's a cold fucking place to be. Bro, they're sending those motherfuckers. Dude. But, yeah, that was a fucking tremendous meal. If you got a chance to go to Jasper Stone, please stop in there. Make reservations because they're busy as hell.

That's cool. It looked great. It did look good. Listen, to go to a new restaurant from time to time, it's like when I went to my nephews over in Smith and Wilensky, I was happy. for a week. You guys knew that. I was that. And it was simple. And when I came back, the filet of many lobster 10. Just a fucking steak, though. I am surprised you got the one that they

lit on fire. Well, I didn't know the one that went on fire, but you know. It didn't say that on the menu. But just the thought of, they light a meat piece on fire and shit. Like, I've been to restaurants where they used, you cook the meat on yourself. It's Korean. Yeah, yeah. Or the blow torch or whatever the fuck they do. I never got a road blow towards. Yeah, the Korean one has the rock. Yeah. With the fucking...

Holes underneath or something. With the coal underneath? No, or just a grill. Right. And then, listen, I don't know. I'm not up with the fucking menus. You know. But what is this one? What was that?

Didn't you, weren't you talking about a different one? No, I didn't say anything. About cooking in front of you? There was Korean barbecue. Then there was a place 20 years ago. Me, Felipe, Gabriel. It was in Dallas. By the Dallas Improv in Addison, Texas.

They opened it towards the end. And you went in there and you picked out vegetables. And then there was like a circle like that thing in the Midnight Express when the fucking, when the Turkish people with the hash walked around the circle. And you threw food and the guy cooked it and then gave it back to you with like a poker. Those are fun.

Oh, is that fun? You like all that shit. You're just talking about doing it. Listen, I want to sit and get cooked. That's it. I don't want no fucking, no remote control sushi. What is it? It comes on a fucking conveyorable.

I don't want that shit, okay? You like all that shit. White people love all that shit. Convey about it. You don't save no money, no nothing. There's no love. Well, you could. There's no love.

There's no love between the chef and the fucking server. That's true. This is what dog, I've been trying to tell you, motherfuckers. You mean this? God damn. Everybody thinks I'm such a guerrilla and a felon. I'm not, but I am. Because I understand.

I love to eat. And if you have a great waiter, that's a great, if the waiter is just funny and cool and talks to your girlfriend or your wife or makes her feel at home or your mom, I'll give that motherfucker whatever he wants. It's not about me.

I'm going to drink water. I'm a stiff. You got not a dime out of me beside the meat. You know what I'm saying? Not a dime. Maybe a flan or something like that, but I'm not gonna, you know, I'm not gonna get an $18 cocktail.

So when you, I go to a bar, I'm worthless to you. That's why I hate sitting at the ball, but I do. Right. Because I know from my mother having a bar, that that fucking seat needs to generate a certain amount of money per hour. That's how I was raised. So when I said to the bar, I'm like,

oh, this seat should be making $32 an hour. I am drinking water with ice cubes. Ain't know, that's why I always get a soup or something to compensate. You see, guys? The small details. If you're gonna be, if you're gonna rock, we're going to rock. If we're going to roll, we're going to fucking roll.

I get that. Back to that dumb motherfucker that cheated on his wife, that fucking moron. 1.2 billion, that's how you do it. I might not sleep at night. I'm so fucking angry about that. Why are you so mad? Because just the stupidity, the bold. Again, do you refer to this? Listen, you can refer to this as a thousand things. This ain't nothing about having money.

at the end of the day, he's just a dumb fuck. He's just a dumb fuck. His wife don't suck his dick no more. So, you know, look at the kid behind him with the glass. That's the kid that came up to me. Yeah, that's the kid that came up to me at the weed store. That's a little half of fact. Yeah, look, he's clapping.

She's turned around. And now she's telling her, I'm supposed to be at my kid's bitty basketball tournament. Meanwhile, I'm up here fucking about to blow fucking Johnny Stupid. And now you ain't got a job. It was pretty funny. I don't follow her. But I saw, she's an annoying little fuck.

But I saw her walking on the red carpet a couple of weeks ago with a little chicken ass. And I started following her. I can't wait to find out who you're talking about. Bethany Frankl. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. She went to some walkway.

I saw it on CNN. I'm like, who's that hottie? She was fucking walking down. I'm like my told my wife look at it with that little chicken ass shaking it and shit and then I read some about it she attacks fat women Did you know that? But when chick say to her like hey, you're too old for that. She's like oh Bitch when was the last time I got hit on you I'm looking at your picture you're fat of the fuck She goes right at him

So yeah bethany frank was she put a post up a couple months ago I listened to to this post and she made so much fucking sense. You know, guys, I have fears. The only reason why I didn't become a full-time gangster was because there's no future to it. You're going to die in a fucking prison. You're going to die in a prison.

Show me one guy who hasn't. Show me one guy who hasn't. Who? The fucking Jew? He died in his own prison because they were watching them constantly. He's my favorite Jew to, Maya Lansky. Oh. He didn't die in a prison.

prison. He died in his own turns, but he was watched. The FBI parked a fucking tent up his ass the rest of his life. Put me in jail. You know, my uncle and Miami, all the construction jobs and those houses and the boats when we were kids.

And he fucking went to prison, got out when he was 66, did nine years. Golden time of your fucking life. You know, he came out, he left five houses, came out, living a trailer. And then in 91, that hurricane down there, fucking cleaned out his fucking trailer.

That dude had millions of fucking dollars when I was a kid. So I saw that shit, and I'm like, hey man, that's not a good way to fucking end your death. Because once you come out of prison at 71, you got nothing. Social Security, you got nothing. They took everything. You got to assume they took everything,

and you had nothing to start with. If you had something, you wouldn't have been in prison anyway, you're dumb fuck. But the more, you know, listen, man, I love going on the road, okay? Okay. And until 2000, son. Look at the shape of you.

Dude, I'm just trying to keep track of the story. You ready for another little achievement you? I don't think we are. You know? It's only 50 milligrams. It's your birthday, Lee. This is what I'm talking about, guys. Top job, come on, Lee.

50, 50, 50. You want to split one? What's between 25 or 50? A lot. That's like a chick that sits on your face. What's the difference? 25 pounds of 30. Nothing.

You're still going to smell the root of a muffler. We'll be right back. We've got to read to you. We'll be right back. Take your time. Oh, what's going on, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. I want to talk to you about Lucy's breakers.

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I love you. Have a great week. We're back. Savage's. Anyway, I want to talk to you what was done to me. I am ready to fucking live again. I don't know if you guys notice, but we had a rough year this year, you know. It was a little tough at first to digest because we all walk around thinking everything's kumsi, kumsa, but there you are at four in the morning and you're in the hospital and you can't even bang one out because you know the Filipino nurse is coming back in 15 minutes. But all seriousness, you know, I got out of there in March,

and I was, like, determined. And then I had, like, what is that when you blow something up and scrapnel? I had scrapnel from the hospital. My fucking bridge broke. And then I had this boil in my ear, which you guys would always ask, why has you got a bandit on his ear? Why has he got a bandit on his ear? Well, now he's got a beard.

Why has he got a beard? What happened to the bandit? You guys were a bunch of fucking nosy rosies. So I had this band-aid that was. There was a boil. They fucking took it out. But they had to cut out so much skin. They had to pull this skin back and put 60 stitches all through this and a little bit through the back.

And then I waited two weeks. And then last week they went out and pulled out this tooth, this tooth, and one more in the back to make it complete. And bitches, I'm still standing, motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? I've been drinking milk like a motherfucker building new fucking bone in there. Plus they put some bone from a cadaver in there. Oh, that's cool. Always. I don't know what nationality.

I didn't check. I don't know what type of fucking... Would you want to know? Huh? It doesn't matter. Okay? It doesn't fucking matter. But so it's been a hell of a fucking sum of guys. I turned down a play. I turned down a series in Vegas. I turned down a movie.

A small role. Didn't fucking matter. And I turned down a couple things because I never told my friends and my family were in this room that I didn't even feel good in fucking Austin, you know? I didn't feel good at all. I was scared I was going to drop.

Really? Because the infection was fucking weighing me down. But I'll tell you what, man, I'm ready to go. We got, we're trying to set up some dates locally in August because it's hot. You know, who the fuck wants to travel? Who the fuck wants to go here or there? but September 6th, we're in Fort Lauderdale at the Hard Rock.

We got some dates coming up. And this August, I really, really want to focus on my material. I've been home in July, but I have been putting some stuff out. And it's really weird. Last week after the show, I was really high, and we were all sitting here talking. And I said something to Lee about his material. And he looked at me weird, and I looked at him. weird and I felt really bad. I want to apologize. But I said it to him because from my eyes,

he was talking about something that was getting laughs, but it wasn't getting him. And at the end of the day, he wasn't being true to himself. I love this guy. You know, I love this guy like a fucking son. And now he's doing stand-up, something I like and something I know, you know. I don't know about anything. I don't know about the idiot with the $1.2 billion. I don't know about what his girlfriend does. She's just a stupid whore. Let him hug. Don't hug me.

We're fucking married. Stand over there. Finger bang me from a distance. Get a selfie stick. You know what I'm saying? Do something. Don't fucking hug me. You're both stupid.

But anyway, and Lee made an interesting question because I know a lot of stand-ups watch this. And this is what I'm going through right now, guys. So I don't want to hear it from none of you guys. I'm not sitting here preaching that I'm the king of this shit because I'm not. In fact, I look for that. help with this type of shit.

You know, Lee asked a million-dollar question in comedy. The one of you could give it to people, they'd go on and make $10 million and never think back to you. Lee would never call me back from Israel. He would be by the wall putting letters, fuck Joey, bomb Cuba, you know, shit like that. No, I'm just teasing you. The question is how to write for yourself. That's a million-dollar question.

If we go through my Facebook from the last 10 years, I get two of those a month. how do you write like that? How do you write like that? Okay, it took me, remember we were talking? And I said to you, I've been doing comedy for nine years. It was the winter of 98, maybe 99, and for some reason I was doing this, I was always trying to get something going in the belly room.

You know, testicle testament. I mean, back in 99, 98, I was trying to put together testicle testament. When did we put it together? Unless it's been 2010s. Fucking 20 years it was in the cooler. Just to let you guys know how things develop. Stories from a Cuban street, which was God-awful.

George went to see. Put those posters away. And then I did it at the comedy store, but I did it in the belly room. And if I got to name the top 10 comedy nights of my life, it was that one. It was a very cozy show. It was a couple weeks before Christmas.

Marilyn Martinez was alive. But more importantly, Doug Stanhope's mother was alive. And she had the wooden tits and the whole fucking thing. Wooden what? She had fake tits from like 1935 or something like that. They were like, you know the helmets Japanese people wear? They put skin out of them. Anyway, little helmets.

Like if you were 16, you had one of those little Japanese. That was 16 anyway. So it was just one of those nights we were in the belly room. A couple guys from Houston, we had no money. That night we had no money. Like they didn't pay us. In those days, you had to sell 100 tickets

to get a dime. If you sold 30, fuck it. We're keeping everything. It was wild. So I'm in the belly room, and basically the people that came had like bottles of vodka, and they were getting sodas from the weight staff.

the waitstab knew what was going on. These people were all, but I was talking. And after like an hour and an athlete, I had no one else to go. And I just started telling stories. And I remember at one time I go, wow, for a stand-up comic, that was a long time to go without an applause or a laugh.

It was like a 20-minute story I told, but they didn't get up to go to the bathroom either. You know what I'm saying? Like they weren't getting up. They were on it and I was on it. And then at the end of the night, like I got high, I ended up going to my friend's house and sleeping over there. But that next morning, I sat in that bed going,

what the fuck was that last night? And it was called the freedom of not hearing laughter. It took me nine years to get that gift. It's a gift. It's not something you could buy. You have to earn it. And your body, it's a body fucking experience or at least that's what it was for me

when you force yourself on stage not to get a laugh. You don't give a fuck what they're thinking. You're going to tell them what's on your fucking point of mind and you're going to roll with it and you're not going to... And you know what? Nobody's going to say none. If you go up there, timid,

well, you know, I cross the street and I almost hit the cat with the car, they're going to eat you alive. Shut the fuck up, you suck. But if you go up there, look straight ahead and you can't see nobody anyway. and you just steamroll. I just steam roll for 20 minutes.

And then I would do it and then get laughter for 10 for the insecurity purpose. But then I would go again, another 10, 15 minutes with another fucking story. You saw in New York, there was no laughter. A little fucking couple lapsed, but there was no laughter. But all that bombing taught me that it ain't that bad down there.

It ain't that bad down there. Now it's better. Now I understand myself more. No, if I fall, fuck it. Oh, my God, what a fucking gift to know that they don't need to fucking laugh constantly. You could take them for a fucking world. And if you take them for a, like a real world, like, let me tell you something, motherfuckers. If that's how you stand up to them, they love it because nobody stands up to people like that no more.

And, and like, what do you mean stand up to the crowd? Like, that's what I don't really understand. Listen, man, as stand-up comedians, we are, what's the word I'm looking for, gentlemen, I got 800 milligrams of me, you got to help me out today. We are working on being what? What is the square root of doing stand-up comedy? Telling jokes? To what? Telling jokes?

To make the audience laugh. At the end of the day, my job is to make the audience laugh. What if I'm a deaf mute? You would think of that? What if I'm a deaf mute, but I will go up there and get a hammer and hit my fungi toenail for 10 minutes straight to it bleeds with commitment, okay?

I'm not talking about how that hurts. No, bang, bam, bam, bam, bam. Like just hit it for 10 minutes straight to your sweat and your toes bleeding. People are going to go, oh, whatever, you're going to have some people with blood on their face, some fungi juice, but you committed to it. You took them up.

a ride. Yeah, half of them got up and left. Fuck them. Who gives a fuck? And that's an attitude that we don't have. We, God forbid, we offend somebody. This is what you're instilling in the new comics. God forbid we're in, what's the word I'm looking about? What's the word I'm looking at? God forbid we insult somebody. Listen, I'm not saying that you come to my show and I call your wife a four-eyed country. That's not the word. That's not making people laugh. That's a real stupid insult. I'm talking about insult your credibility, what you believe in.

Whatever the fuck I may say that, the Jesus Jews are the Jews that killed Jesus. Jersey Jews. When I say that joke, I see a lot of people's faces tighten up from time to time. Jersey Jews are the ones that killed Jesus. Things like that will make people, and then they're like, what the fuck?

He's just goofing around. Yeah. You only people have come up to me since Newark and send me messages about my co- My cat doing Coke. You only people are fucking like, it's such fucking bullshit. And you know it, but you love it. You love it.

Back to what we're talking about, Lee. Writing for yourself, that's where that comes from. When I want you to start writing psychologically, if I put you in that fucking corner over there with your nose in the fucking corner. and made you tell me something in the dark funny until I pulled your fucking nose out of there. You know, and that's what it's like to bear,

to go up and go, I don't give a fuck if they left. Listen, when somebody pays a lot of money to come see me, I do not want you to think that's the attitude. That is the body language I perceive to you, but that's not my attitude. I'm talking about when you're working out material. when you go to the comedy store, i.e. the improv, i.e. the comedy seller, the Broadway comedy club, those places to work on your material. You're not going to know the depth of your material and who you are

unless you fucking put it out there, your guts. For 20 years, close friends of mine would go, Coco, talk about that on stage. No, I'm not talking about that on stage. Meanwhile, I'm up there doing fucking stupid dick jokes like Rodney Dangerfield. People like me. People thought I was funny, but they didn't take me home with them. Okay. You want them to take them home with you. And it's crazy. And I, dude, I've told you, I really, I'm really lucky to have your insights.

I was never question it, but it is. Excuse me for a second. I'm sorry, I dropped that can in there. And I went, boy, find this, the little rascals fucking, uh, Not weep while, the other one. The submarine band, little rascals. Oh my God, when this guy's head blows up, that was the point of this joke.

What was it? Lee said, Pah or something, I don't know. Maybe I'm hearing things. How? Yeah, watch, see this guy's hand do? Definitely Jewishly, definitely. Not this guy, that's chubby or whatever his name is. But this is classic shitly.

Watch this dude right here. Boom, he drops the harmonic in the water. This is fucking, you know, these people have 10 white dudes from Yale to write this shit now. He blows the harmonic on the guy's pants. But I want Lee to see this guy. Lee, this guy, if we could ever recreate, what's the name of it, Nick?

Mike Fright International. Yeah. The Mike Fright International Silver String Submarine Band from our gang. The Little Rascals. This is one of the greatest episodes they ever made, particularly for one reason. That guy, every time his wing flies off.

And every time they hit that cowbell, that motherfucker's wing flies off. This is the shit I'm trying to show America. This is comedy. Not that fucking half a fag with a mustache on Apple TV. What's his name, Max Fright? Whatever his fucking name is. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Max Fright? I don't know his fucking name. The guy from the old Saturday Live, Jason Seducus. Oh, that's a good show. What's his name? Yeah, you would like it, you have for fruitcake. What's his name? Ted Lassow.

Yeah, Ted Fugn, that fucking Lassau. Now, what are we talking about before this guy blew his hat on? What do you mean? Who knows? You're on point. Ba! Look at watch. Watch, watch this.

When they step on this bitch again, hit it. Ba, pop. And then he holds his head because he already knows. The hairdo do is a bit. about to come all. This one, who dare enter this house? And look, right now, they're getting the party started. Like, you can't put the volume on, but in real life right now,

if you can listen to this, they are. Baa! His hat already flew off. They're just fucking with that dude. This is, they're getting the party started. The little kid with the harmonica, and they're all little runaways like me. Look at a bunch of half-breed, dirty white trash.

Ba! Bye! Now he's getting shot again, right? I don't know how he's going to edit this in But this is classic He just can't play the music Just all the pow-pows You know what I'm saying

Right here, boom, every time he hits up Bow! See the guy gets scared He stopped putting the hat on He goes, then this guy's steps He puts the bubblegum on the flute Look at him And now that, oh, here we go Here we go, here we go

Boom Bow wow, another one Turn that shit off. That, now you said something that made me think about that. I'm so happy. So, yeah, no. And it's a 20-minute chunk that I'm closing with. You're like, you've got to stop doing it.

Yeah, yeah, because you don't have a kid. You've been broken up with that woman for a year now. You have a new girlfriend, and that whole part of your life is gone. So you're just trying to sell something that's not there anymore. Unless you want to... And then you're like, wow, I was doing it where Josh Wolf does his material. Well, then that means you're stepping on his fucking Danny material. Do you follow me?

So either way, get rid of it. Look, don't know. You've done it for a while now. Just get rid of that. Shoot that poison arrow. Don't hold on to that shit. I'd rather you go up there outframe a story-ly. Like, put a story.

Something that happened. I don't give a fuck at your birth you caught your daddy jerking off. There's got to be something in your past that rubbed you the wrong way. Write it out and put that as fluff. When we're trying to search for material, we get the good stuff in the middle,

we get the good stuff in the beginning and the good stuff at the end, but the middle would just take a chance and that's what's growing. You're growing in the middle to catch up with the ending or mix into the ending and to mix in with the beginning.

Why are you looking I'm like that for? I wish I knew what you were saying. They're all the beginning and endings. You have a set. It's 30 minutes. Right. You wrote, you put together some very funny, topical,

not topical, like it's going to be gone next week. You put some very nice material together. And it goes around 12 minutes that you got them going strong. Then at the 12 minute mark, something happens for about four minutes. They adjust, you know, because you just have been beating the fuck out of them. For 12 good minutes,

I want you to know what 12 minutes of constant laughter is. Their hands are up. Like, they're like fucking stop. Then you take like a four fucking minute, two minute, whatever, readjusting for material. And you might pick up another three

or four in there. That's good. Then you might frail again for four. Dog, the best people in the world this. This is not just me telling you from this. This is what I observe at the store all those years and then I carry it on to myself, right? You open with your second best joke and you close with your best joke. So when you start your set, that's the fucking plan right there. So good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for being here at the fucking garage.

Bam, right? Now you're hitting them. Now you got to think. 30 minute spot. So let's go nine minutes, a fucking constant. So now you're at the 10 minute mark. So from 10 to 14, you're just frickle, frackle with them a little bit. Where are you from? Where'd you get that shirt from? Whatever. You're just buying time. But I'd rather you buy time and tap into something that's you because that's what happens when you buy time sometimes. You can't keep buying time. And one day it just goes, I got it now. That's why it's very important to go to, I don't want you to pay and go there. I want you to be friends with them that they let you in.

And one night a week, if you're not doing anything, I want you to go into a comedy club that does showcases. If you're a young comic that does showcases every 15 fucking minutes, okay? You know those people like the comedy store. Every 15 minutes, you put another comic up. Watch the 10 comics. stay for 10 comics

I want you to tell me the two topics all 10 comics will talk about those are the topics you get rid of immediately don't go home and go well my joke is that's ego my joke is better

I can read it listen it's over what am I a fucking bunk I need to wrestle with these fucking that's how you put together your act because you want to talk about what not these stupid fucks are talking about.

And when you go to a club like that, you know, I used to go to a comedy store and I used to have to follow Paul Mooney or somebody big all fucking night long. I would go there at nine. As soon as I finish my spot, wherever it was in Mexicanville, Edwin, Felipe, Gabriel,

I'd be right at that comedy store with a bottle of fucking, with a Coke with a cherry in it, with a Coke in my pocket, waiting. waiting. It would not touch my fucking nostril. I would go in that green room and study what each comic had

to say. And right before I went on stage, I would look at my note and I go, I had three of the same things these motherfuckers were talking about. Well, guess what? These people have been here since eight? Okay, half of them left at 10.30. But another brand came in at 4

at 10. And they heard 40s motherfuckers with the same jokes. So I would have to go up there after Paul Mooney at the World Famous Comedy Story. and go, whatever I was thinking of doing is out the window. It's the Super Bowl. It's fought down.

You know what I'm saying? It's a minute left. I'm down by whatever. And now I got to go back in there. And the defense that punked the ball fucking told me was completely different than what they did. They ran an audible. They called the time out to show us.

Then they came out with something else. And they fucking slanted the back. And now I'm fucked. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I got to figure something. myself on the dilly dab. And what happens when you have to think about something like that?

You start talking about yourself and what you feel. And it's not, listen, when I sit here and go, okay, like tonight, we talked about that fucking idiot, $1.2 billion, cheats on his wife. What made it interesting that I would tell you how I do it? And then at the same tip, what's wrong with it or what's right with it? You compare shit in life to what's going on with your life, And people be sitting there going,

I'm going if I got a point. That's just not a pussy joke. He's not licking some guy's asshole. He's not talking about a fag again. Thank God. He's not talking about anything. And that's how you learn. And sometimes you've got to put yourself in those holes.

But once a week, you've got to go to a club and watch and go to yourself. Let's see what these motherfuckers are talking about. George, it's like you're, sit there and go, how the fuck does Joey do because I sat in those rooms for 30 fucking years. And I would sit there and then and go, fucking Nick's got a great joke about that.

So does George. They're fucking brilliant. And so does Lee. You know what? I'm going to go home and write a joke about that. And by the time I wrote my joke, guess what you guys did? You wrote another joke. Here I am telling their joke. And they're on because I'm mine. Fuck it.

Let me write something else. So now they wrote their joke. and whatever I wrote from my heart is 20 times fucking better. I'm not going to compete with these two fucking knuckleheads. All those things matter in comedy. It's not what they're talking about.

And that's what happens. Like some people go to a show and somebody opens their eyes to something and go, okay, I'm going to go home and write something similar, but nobody will know. Yes, they are going to know. Because I'm the same dude. I've got home and gone, that's a good fucking joke.

that motherfucker shit. How many times you sit there watching a common and go, I'd go this way with that joke. Right. And that's a great exercise. That's a very good exercise. But then aren't you like close to ceiling? No.

But I don't want you to, that's why I say, if you go home, if you're going to fight everybody who's going to steal your joke or your supposed joke, it's going to be a hard battle for you. Okay? At the end of the day, some people, do you remember when used to drive me to the Broadway

Comedy Club and then you leave me there? No, you never took me to Broadway. Well, I swear to my mother's great. This is when all that thievery shit left my fucking life. I still remember the fucking joke. Okay, I was living here. I was doing comedy at that club, and the owner's name was Al Martin, or something like that. I think it was Al Martin.

This is 1993. And I went to Colorado. And one day, some fucking guy knocks on my door with some shit. And the guy came in, and this guy wasn't a Jehovah Witness or an Amish. He was something completely different, Joe. It's like a seven-day advantageous,

whatever the fuck those people are, right? Like, one of those. I'm not even, listen, I'm not even saying it was them, but it was some religion that was off the chart. And I remember going, I'm going through a divorce. You know what I'm saying? I shouldn't even be opening up the door.

There's a fucking car. There's a tow truck looking for my car. I had an accurate. I had it hidden in Mani's garage. I couldn't even drive it anywhere. I had to fucking put like a tent on that night, like the Batmobile and shit. They knew every comedy club.

I was at. You guys want to talk about pain? I got pain, motherfuckers. So what was we talking about? What was we talking about George's something good? Come on, Lee. You're like Johnny Zonbber. there, God damn it. I wonder why.

And what happened? So I went up on stage that night and I was living in Denver. I moved from New Jersey. It was December of 93 and I go up on one of Jimmy and Bader's shows and I was thinking about that dude that knocked him a door and said to me that he was

seven-day whatever, advantageous, whatever. And I'm like, I never heard that one before. And I remember when I told me I used to sell neon. And I used to carry a little notebook with me, a little yellow pad, like to put where I delivered neon. And if I had a joke, I'd write it on the pad in the car. And I wrote, what if a guy came to your door that was nothing? Like, what if a guy came to your door one day and they said,

Hi, my name is Nick. I ain't nothing. I want to sell you a piece of paper for a dollar, but I ain't nothing. You read it if you want, or something like that. It was some joke, and I think I had atheists in the word.

One night later, every night I used to watch the Tonight Show that. Watching the Tonight show tonight, Al Martin, and it's the guy, and I'm like, oh, shit, Al. Two jokes in. He goes, you ever have an atheist, knock on your door?

Dog, I almost fell off my fucking chair. And that's when I go, I get it. It's going to happen. People are, too brilliant minds. No, no, two fucking stone mines. Okay? You know what I'm saying, guys? So things are going to happen. So if you're already in that range,

why go they look at the shape of you? You look like they got a shot John Lennon. You look like fucking, look, put a picture up of an Ozzy's drummer from the fucking ceremony. He looks, he looks. like Lee. No, the drummer. You see he looks like he took his shirt off at the show.

Poor fucking whatever his name is. That's who you look like right now, Lee. You're all fucked up. You gotta stop eating those edibles. I agree. That's not him. Ozzy and London, whatever the fuck. England, whatever. Ozzy and England. Drummer, whatever, yeah. That's Tommy Aldridge. I wish I had that hair.

No, that's not you at all, Lee. Keep going. Put up there, Ozzy Osbourne final show. That's him. But take a look at him at the final show. He took his shirt off. This poor, that's Lee, right there. That's how you're looking right now.

Throw some water in your face. Have some dignity, please. Throw some water in your face, goddamn it. He's good skin. Anyway, I know you're too high, and you're not going to remember what I'm telling you. I'm good. But I appreciate this because I get to remember this shit.

This has been helping me out since you brought that up. About running for yourself? Yeah, because Lee, it's the toughest thing in the world. You've got to go through so much. It's like an Italian artichoke, right? You have to peel that fucking skin. It's like when you smell a woman's vagina. It smells good on the top.

But then you put two-finger Louie in there. You start working that onion. And all of a sudden it smells a lot different because you wake that motherfucker up, you're getting into the liver and the kidneys and all that shit now. Look at the... The liver and the kidneys.

Oh, that's when you got everything involved, a little bit of the fucking... You popped the connecting wire to the asshole and the leash you're like... You got a car that pops, the steam comes out, and you got to ask your father for black tape. Dad, get the black tape.

I was going to say, can you fix it? Can you reconnect it or no? No, no, they're pinga. So, yeah, I'm happy that you bring these up because then I go home, and that's what I do. This is the stupid shit that I do at night. And in the morning, I get up early, Lee, and I try to, I pee, I wash my hands, I brush my teeth, I drink my coffee,

and then when everything is settled, I skip, I try to get as high as I can in the morning because that's the highest I'm going to be. I don't answer the phone, I don't do nothing. I sit in front of that computer, I put on fucking music and I sit downstairs with earphones on that aren't even fucking charged.

There are those beats that are not even charged. I don't even want music in there. I want silence. I want to hear the music through the fucking I beats, but I put on an airplane mode and you don't hear nothing. You hear... What's even double heads in?

What's that? You put it like AirPods in and then you put like a big one over it, just a sound... No, no, no. I couldn't put AirPods in because of the fucking boiling my ear. I got beautiful AirPods.

I have one of them, Drap Kings. I got beautiful fucking air. Like, fucking, my wife and merchie, where'd you fucking get those? I don't know. Drap Kings. Draft Kings hooked the motherfucker up. Lee, look at the shape.

Are you? Oh, you're gonna need two of those $10 chocolate shakes with whipped cream and a brownie. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah, and if not. George has a little... George got a nice couch for you. You can feed the pigeons in the morning.

I don't want to... I don't feed pigeons. Yes, you do. George will teach you how to feed the pigeons. You'll invite... I know how to feed... I'll give you some edibles. You'll invite Polly over.

Let feed... You can feed him. You can feed him one of the edibles, and George will take a picture. Tomorrow, let's call Polly. Tell him Lear is going to feed him the edible of life. I don't want to feed anybody or anything.

He's like a decorated fucking marine veteran. Polly's killed more Asian people than COVID and fucking everything. Polly's going to walk around Cliffside. Big dick in it, you know what I'm saying? With his fucking... Polly, I want you walking around Clifside with a garbage bag, a fucking sweeper,

and a big dick in like an Army medal. Two, marine metal. Stapled on your chest like an animal. Siemprefe, you know what I'm saying? What is it? Cempere five. Fui, whatever the fuck. I don't know.

I didn't take it. fridge class that year. What do we got next week, Lee, beside the hospital tonight? Look at the shape of you. Well, if I survive, I'll be at St. Mark's Common Club Sunday at 7.30 for the competition.

Okay, tell them about this competition, so people show up. If you're going to support this, if you're going to support Lee Syatt, this is the night he needs it. Sunday. What time? The 27th at 730.

27th at 7.30. I will be in Bulgaria with my assistant. I'm going to take her down there, give her a little stabbing. And, you know what I'm saying? And that's how I would know. I will be, I don't know where I'll be. Maybe I'll go up there and cheer you on. But if you're in Manhattan, please stop in and cheer Leon at the, what is it?

San Marx Comic Club. The St. Mark's Combin. St. Mark, where's the high address? It's on St. Mark's place. St. Mark's, what's there? It's on St. Mark's Comedy Club. It's on St. Mark's Place. It couldn't be easier fine.

On St. Mark's Place, 7.30 show. Go out there, make Lee win this thing. Go up there and jump up and down. Lee's going to have some new material. No baby material. We're getting rid of that.

No kids. He's coming out with some new... He's coming out with some new fire this week. Fucking Jewel. Everything. Fucking cars. Netting Yahoo's mistress. He don't give a fuck, Jack.

Anyway, I love you, Cuckuckers. Have a great week. I got no dates. I got nothing. I'm still recovering. I got no teeth. I don't even know why I am ordering steak.

Look at this. I love you guys. Happy birthday, Lee. Look at R.I. Lee. Cocksucker. Look at the shape of you. Mom, I have so much cotton mouth. You're getting chocolate on the microphone.

Jesus Christ, Almighty. Happy birthday, buddy. Happy birthday, my brother. We love here. All right, stay black. Have a good night. What up? Uncle Joey here.

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