The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Never Forget The Mission

Episode Date: June 11, 2024

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt about going on tour for months at a time, what being positive and having faith have in common, what it's like being on the conveyer belt, and more! Support the show and try Blue Chew for free – just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and use promo code DIAZ The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

You know, it's like when you don't want to do something, rule number one, when you don't want to do something and you're a young man, do it. Because those are the days you get more out of something. It happened last week to me. I went to an old. I was going to go to a closer open mic and I went to Boston and I got like three shows. You know, it's the nights you don't want to do something. In comedy that somebody calls you and go, hey, man, there. This guy canceled.

20 minutes, I'll give you 75 bucks. You are honestly as a comic thinking you were going to take the night off. You grow mad as you're getting up. We're going to watch the show on Netflix. I just drew in a pizza. You know, this is the comic's life. So it's so weird how you have to trust everything. You have to trust the universe while you're doing the work.

If you just put pictures of you up in front of him, progs and with Russell Peters or with Joe Rogan that you know that's not going to help you it's the fucking work you know and that I've always realized no matter what I'm doing whether I'm doing an audition whether I'm shooting something the days I'm like fuck how can I get out of this today is the day I get the most out of that and you go fuck I'm happy I can came today. I'm really happy because what was my option? I was going to sit at home on the computer,

looking at fucking sport games, whatever the fuck I do, you know? Would you say, like, you're more positive now than you were, I don't know, 20 years ago? Like, just in your mindset? What's that, brother? Are you more positive than you were, like 20 years ago? Like, in your mind, like, how you think and how,

like your mindset? Well, you're always positively. You were positive, but even when stuff wasn't going well. You gotta believe in something. I sit here and I go, what the fuck made me go to Syracuse and and

landscape and you know, first of all, comedy for me was a journey. But, I don't know. What was the question? If you're more positive, because, like, I think that's something that I, I don't think I am positive enough. I think I'm, I get negative in my head, I'm very negative.

And I keep hearing about, like, you know, how being actual positive will help you get better results. I'm trying to be more positive. But, like, my first instinct is to always go negative. I'm really sorry to the people watching this. The edible hit me hard as the fucking show came on. I had to sit back. I had to drink some iced tea with no sugar.

Well, we haven't done the intro yet. If you want to take that part out, we can just... No, no, no, no. I don't give a fuck. I'm okay. It's okay. You know, people get hit hard from time to time. That's what life is about.

I just took the bag, counted six, and the nail. You handled it great. The other night I ate, I don't know, maybe Friday night or Thursday night, I ate like five of them. That's a low night. I had gone out Wednesday to the dojo. I go, I need a little fucking breather, right? Five of them is a thousand, by the way, but go on. And I sit down and I'm doing this and I'm doing that.

and finally I sit down. And I don't know. I'm starting to get it like that feeling. And my wife, and she's like, Joe, you have the biggest white head on it. And when she went to squeeze it,

I had to stop. I'm like, I'm going to pass out. The fucking edible hit me. The fingers on my neck. You don't like the fingers on your neck? I thought you liked when you popped stuff like that. No,

but not when I got thousand milligrams in me. And it's going through my body. like the fucking race train. You always got to be positive. I mean, you can't look at your shit

and go, well, this ain't going to work. I mean, you and I were talking about a comedian earlier on the phone. That motherfucker is positive because he's still going and nobody's hiring him.

And there's an admiration for me for that type of stuff. But the, admiration is stupidity on that level. Like that's not, it's past the fucking, you know, nobody's hiring you. It's a

win-win. Realistic. Right. But there's always, I mean, when I was in that basement in Boulder, I think about that basement in Boulder a lot when I think about comedy. Because that's where the magic happened for me. Was that the Rocky apartment?

That was the Rocky apartment. That year and a half in that apartment. no matter how bad times were, I always knew I was going to do a spot that night. No matter, it didn't matter, it was broke, it didn't matter I was out of Coke, it didn't matter that I owed the Coke dealer money, it didn't matter that I owed the lawyer money, nothing mattered. I had a set that night, and I wasn't getting paid. Don't think I was getting paid.

But it was usually an open mic, or were you doing real show? No, no, these were like bar shows that my friend would have, and he would hire other comics but you go I save 15 minutes for you up front awesome I can't pay you but you'll get a dinner or something like that at least you know you know that shit's gonna happen tonight cocaine that's a different story maybe someone you'll drop a $50 bill on the floor maybe I love when that happens yeah maybe somebody will leave their wallet bathroom it's fair game in there that's well hey you know you got to control it

You know, a couple of weeks ago, the godfather of comedy in L.A. passed away. We haven't spoken about it. Two good things happened in comedy the last four weeks. The one bad thing was Rudy Moreno passed. Right. It's all over the internet and whatnot. It took me a couple weeks to deal with it. You know, I called him when he was in the hospital.

Obviously, he didn't answer, and maybe a week later, he passed away. but I did call him. He was a great fucking guy. He had, you know, Rudy had rooms, man. And Rudy opened his doors to young comedians like that. Like, hey, really, I can't pay you tonight. But it's fucking Shane Gillis and Ari, do 15 minutes.

Come down, get a cheeseburger and some nachos. You know, that's... I would do that in a second. What's that? Yeah. And, you know, I never forget, moving to LA on a fucking Monday night I went to the store and then I went to the laugh factory Tuesday and stood on the line outside and somebody came up to me

they go man you're Spanish contact Rudy Morena this how I got together with Rudy so someone at the line huh just someone in the line no somebody in the line said you're Spanish called Rudy he has a lot of Latino rooms. Now, I heard Rudy Moreno's name about four times in two days. So I hunted his number down. I knew Marilyn Martinez

when I got the town. Okay. I saw Marilyn at the store that like Wednesday night, I go, talk to me about this Rudy character. She goes, yes, Rudy's got rooms. And he will book you in him. He has the Brave Bull on the weekends. It pays $25, 40 bucks, whatever.

Call him. I kept calling Rudy. Call him. Rudy, Joe Diaz. I know Felipe called you. Rudy, Marilyn Martinez. Rudy, Joe Diaz. I know Marilyn called you. I had like three people call.

This motherfucker never called me back. I asked somebody to go, it's like 35 minutes. So one Friday night, I had a late spot at the store. Okay. I'd go down there and see this fucking Rudy character and see why he don't return my fucking numbers. Like, that's how crazy I was. And I didn't go down there with anger in my heart.

I was going down and I go, Rudy, what the fuck? Right. And I went down and I go, Rudy, what the fuck? And he goes, who were you? And I go, Joe Diaz. How many times I got a fucking point he got a spot? He's like, ah, he started laughing. And that night he put me up.

And that became, you know, that was my weekly thing. And he did it for a long time, right? He went to the Brave Bull from 97 to about 99. He had that every weekend plus additional stuff. Right. Political stuff. He had fundraisers at Steve Steakhouse. He had thousands of things when I got to LA, you know.

I can't deny that. And Gabriel had the fucking casino on the 7-10, the safari lounge or what's a fucking zoo in there, you know. You know, all those Spanish. guys. I think about them. Willie Barsena, Felipe, Jeff Garcia, fly. Those guys had

rooms. And that was Tuesday through fucking Thursday. It was amazing. It was amazing. But let's get back to Rudy. Rudy, you know, put me up in that room and he would always

before I went up, he always go, Joey, keep it clean. Really? Yeah, and I get off stage and they go, thanks for keeping it clean. Real good fucking job. I go, did they laugh, Rudy? Yeah, but I have a bunch of grandmother. Fuck them.

They laugh. And then my counterpart, Marilyn Martinez, started an all out fistfight in there. From the state. She was on the stage, and she said something. Somebody told her to shut up, and some big Mexican got up and started pounding on the other Mexican, and he had cousins,

It was like a 10-man fight. They threw tables. They ripped fucking flowers down. And I talked to Maryland. I go, Marilyn, what happened? And she was, the funny is Rudy the next morning because Rudy had a gig and he wasn't there. Oh, no. So he called Marilyn like a 901.

He was like, Marilyn, what happened? And Marilyn told him, you know, I said something about a cock sucker and the guy didn't like it because his mother was there. And fucking, they started beating on each other and shit. Jesus. But Rudy kept having rooms And Rudy went from the Brave Bull To the other casino, the really nice one Paid your 100 bucks

On Thursday, put me in there every Four Thursdays Nice Pick up a quick yardstick And Then he picked up a strip club Not really a strip club He picked up an Irish bar

In front of one of those California big time strip clubs, you know, I don't know what 21 good-looking one fat one. I don't know if it was that. Was that the name of the strip club? No, that's their slip.

21, good luck. Oh, okay. I forget. They're like a chain. They were a saddle. So I go down there one night, you know, like I just told you before in the story with faith. You got to have faith, brother. I go down there one night.

He calls me up. The room only pays 50 bucks. It's you and somebody else, but it was an Irish bar. And they had corned beef and cabbage and blah, blah, blah. I'll never forget the corn beef was great. I ate when I got there because I was fucking, that was it. I only had, I had gas money and the 50 he was about to get me. Five. All right. And I'll never forget going on stage. There was maybe 31 people in the audience, maybe 30, maybe 28. You know, they only sat like 50. Right. And some guys heck on me. And he was cool.

You know, he was just a fucking great white guy, heckling me, heckling me. We kept going back, forth, fuck you, the audience. It was a fun set. It was one of those sets where you don't even do material. You just, you were going to a joke, and he said something, and you just ran with it for 30 minutes. But when I get off the stage for, oh, no, no, the guy threw his wallet at me. Why?

I don't know. At one point, he goes, you take it. And I tad the wall, and I'm like, how am I going to rob this guy? without him saying me. From stage. From stage. I put the wall in my back pocket. But I look, as I go, I got to go through a bathroom.

I got to go through those little things where men and women, but it's covered. And it's like a 20, 30 second walk. If Rudy comes up to me, and Rudy did come up to me, we talked. And then as I was, the wallet was already in my pocket. I opened it up and right there, it was a stack of 100. just took one and gained back the wall. I'll never forget that. And I drove up to the store like nothing happened.

I was happy as a pig and shit. About three days later, Rudy called me. Did you take a lot of dollars out of that man's wife? And what did you say? Fuck, no. Fucking Rudy, you know me. Why would you ask me that? Then like a year later, I told him.

He was dying and laughing. Oh, that's a... Peace, Rudy Moreno. Good fucking dude. He's having a few benefits in California. You know, if I wasn't so locked down, I'd shoot out there. But I don't even think, I don't even have the endurance on a five and a half hour flight yet. I'd have to do something horrible.

Like heroin or fucking gramolda pills or something. I can't. What, to survive a flight? That flight. I'm not used to that yet. The flight's to Austin on the way down of four hours. Right. And let me tell you, the first two times I wanted to jump off the plane.

I started an hour and a half left. You've been flying for so long. I didn't fly for two years close to three years. You've got to work your endurance back up. You just can't get on a 16-hour flight to Europe. Why, you're sitting down? I don't know. It's too much.

I had no idea. Yeah, and it's just not sitting down. It's sitting down for you because you're a job. any mook. I get on a plane. I got activities. I got edibles. I got you really do have activities. I got movies. I got this, that, a vapor pen. I'm hitting it for more. I'm like an octafoot. Nicotine gum. The whole fucking chip-chip-chip-ho. And do you, would you want when, like, because when we took flights together, you'd walk back and say hi. Well, do you walk up and down the aisle every, every flight?

Every flight. I got to stretch my legs. You got to burn calories. You got to let the legs know. Not you'll walk up. next time you got on a plane you gotta get on there with some guy who'm a Mexican guy putting you on there with a wheelchair you gotta move around in the plane you can't just fucking sit there you know I try to walk once when everybody's asleep okay nobody goes hey Joey so I walk once and then every 35 minutes I get up make believe I'm getting my luggage I'm not I'm just stretching I go up and down with my calves the calf is the The heart of the leg is the bottom half.

So always... I have no idea. ...abs on your plane. Yeah. You got to work your calves to keep the circulation going. Take an aspirin before you get on a plane. There's so much. People think you just get on a plane.

And then they realize when they land somewhere, oh, I had jet lag because you didn't prepare. Can't drink on a plane. You got to drink water. Take a baby aspirin. You got to eat something healthy. Like, don't go to poliq. Popeye's chicken and then get on a fucking plane.

You know what I'm saying? What will happen? What do you think happens when you eat Popeye's chicken? You're going to have to shit that rotten bird out eventually, right? So now you've got to shit it on the plane. With your luck and my luck and anybody who listens to this show, they eat Popeye's chicken. As soon as they sit down and put that seatbelt on,

that fucking pigeon comes to life in their stomach. Oh, I can't. I don't think I've ever shit on a plane. I don't know. I think I had it one time, but you do. I mean, it's the most embarrassing thing in the world. Because when you look at the peat, like when you take a shit on a plane, everybody's going to smell it. Oh, yeah. That's number one.

Number two, you hate if there's four people waiting because they're going to look at you dirty the rest of the fucking flight. Because they're going to inhale that asshole as soon as they walk in there fresh. And it's always, every time I go to the battle, like everyone's peed on the seat. Yeah, it's disgusting. You don't want to do that. I wash my hands. Before I go in, when I hit that button that says flush, that square thing that you got to punch 18 fucking times.

For it, it looks like a fucking coaster for a fucking jug of beer. Yeah, it does. I wash my hands. Those things are filthy. When you ever, Tom just posted about it, I know you're not going to Abu Dhabi, but they have like first class tickets now, planes where you can take showers for like really long flights.

Would you ever take? a shower on a plane? It depends. If my ball smelled like Abu Dhabi or whatever the fucking desert, yes, I would. I would always be worried if, like, what if, like, the water went out? I get so fucked up. But if you hit a plane, a building, when you're taking a horrible way to go, that's too first class for Uncle Joey. I just want to get there. Three, four hours. I don't need to go 16 in Abu Dhabi and eat whatever the fuck is on that flight for two days. Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh, yeah. You know, they have a lot of curry and hummus. You got a lot of what? They have a lot of curry on that, on those planes. Do they? I think so.

I haven't been on that. I would fucking. They don't let Jews over there. That's when I fucking take my sneakers and make believe there's a firecracker and land this fucking thing, Cockfuckers. Greetings!

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If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you got to be thinking. Welcome back to show! Oh, my God. Good morning. Good afternoon. What up, Moop? It's good to talk to you, buddy. Good to talk to you. Very interesting week. Interesting weekend. I didn't do dick. How about you? You did some shows.

I had a couple of good shows I got to go I thought about I did an open mic in like a dugout like 1800s basement in Brookline and that was actually

like one of the best open mics it was just in like a dark basement but it was fun that was fun and then I've had I got to do I went to New Hampshire

for the first time and that was a lot of fun but it's awesome because people are coming out now and that's really cool to hear that they listen and that they're coming out. They come up to start, brother. They know you're working hard. You're not just some fly-by-night motherfucker.

And that's big. That's big. At this level, I have a couple supporters come out. That's big. And talk to you. Oh, yeah. Grow. And then when you become Lee Syatt,

don't fucking say, I knew that motherfucker. And now you have to do this. that bar mitzvahs for free and you know I would do their bar mitzviz. Fuck, you would. But I was, because when you were talking about

getting paid, something that I've been thinking about is taking like the, and I it's very early on, but taking that part like getting paid more seriously. Like when people offer me shows, I never ask what the money is.

Some shows you're already know. You know. And this is my thing. If you're doing a bar show and I call you up for the bar show and you come do it and I give you $10 gas money, that's cool. Yeah. But as soon as I walk in and I see $20 admission and I see 20 people, now it's $400. You're not paying the headline or all that money.

Now, do I want all your money? Not really. We're all in this together. But $25 wouldn't make you or break you. Right. Do you follow me? A lot of times you don't even know if they're charging. To you get there or to you, they send you a fly to put on your social media. So, you know, these are things that you have to decide.

There's a lot of guys out there, bookers that, you know, they do it. They make money and they take all the money and they drive a car. They have a fucking nice car. They have the blonde girlfriend. And meanwhile, you have to borrow your uncle's bike to get to the fucking. an open mic. So at one point, you've got to decide what are we doing here? Am I doing this for me or for him? I'm going to tell you another point of view on this too. Let's say the guy has a good rule and he uses you three times a month, you know, and sometimes it gives you the small pen, maybe sometimes

he gives you nothing. At one point, you look at it like it's a free show in front of a lot of people. in 10 years from me doing these shows I'll come back and they'll have to pay me Oh And that's like I don't really care because I'm at a point

And that like $25 It's not going to break them but it's also not going to break me That's why I don't usually even ask You know, I was I don't I thought it might be good to get in the habit of it at least There was a lady who used to book in Seattle. She passed away years ago.

She didn't like me. She didn't like me, but I was funny. I had good 25 minutes. I was starting to rock and roll. She still wouldn't book me, but I would still call her and do a guest set at two of her clubs every week to annoy her and to let her know I was better than she was. Yeah, and you didn't need to get paid for it.

No. You know, so this. There's point of views on all that shit. But it's always you're coming back to get yours. Okay. And you become who you're going to become. They're selling real estate anyway. So who gives a fuck?

You know what I'm saying? That's true. Matt, I, I don't know, it just, it was a cool week to do, you know, it's cool to go to different places and see, like, that my stuff is, is working. Like, especially after a couple of bombs. I start to think, like, oh, I'm the worst. It's over to you turn the lights off. And right now, you're not turning the lights off for anybody.

It's a program. It's a cycle. And you asked me if I had confidence, or no, you asked me if I had, what was the word? Well, positive. Positive. Talk, I moved to L.A. at the six-year market. I wasn't positive or I wasn't negative. I was

at that point in my life I was open to anything I was a couple years from turning 40 you know this was I was divorce I was a major debt had already outgrown Seattle

to what I was going to outgrow it I wasn't headlining but I was a strong fucking feature I wasn't even in the headlining mode. I mean, I could do 40, but it wasn't being, I was, I was far from being a feature when I got to LA, to be honest.

I was a 25-minute feature in a B-room, maybe a C-room, you know. I'm being honest here. Right. But I looked at where I started, and I looked to where I'd gotten from. And if that doesn't make you positive, nothing will. But more than positive, it's just like a faith. it becomes like a religion. It becomes like a faith.

And once you get into the rotation, you know, that's it. If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll go farther in the rotation. And yeah, I guess, especially, like, you didn't really have, like, I'm lucky I have you, I have a bunch of comics

who I know who can put in worse or put me on shows. But, like, if you're struggling for 20, years like it it really is it sounds like a lot of faith to to keep going faith it's fucking faith you know what made me go to l.A. was it that i was an ego guy not at all i knew of who i was and i you know i heard the rumblings and people of who were the good feature acts and my name never came up in those so you know i knew who the fuck i was but here's a good thing i was when i got that way i was going to leave Like after the CBS thing went down

If it wasn't for the store I would have probably left I was angry I had beefs in fucking Colorado still And I was dying to fail to leave But it wouldn't but here's the beauty of it All those nights I slept in a car I already had a national commercial Under my belt and I had a film under my belt.

Before my car got towed, I had a film and a national commercial under my belt. And here I am sleeping in my car because I just couldn't get it together, the Coke, you know, whatever. But little did I know that I was doing something

that I had no idea I was doing until years later. What's that? I got into the rotation. Now that, that separated me from an open mic and a professional comic. And it also separated me from an acting class actor to a working actor. And did they make it easier for you now that you had those things?

Not at all. Not at all. It made it fucking harder now. Really? But now you're in the conveyor belt. You're at that conveyor sushi place. And Johnny Wu just put a piece of rice down. Now he's going to go 30 yards until he gets the fish on top.

Then he goes another 30, and Madam Wong put fucking the sauce on top. And now you follow me? Yeah. You're a conveyor belt. When I see somebody doing shit when I get to the comedy store, I'll say it. And people go, how did you know? Because I saw them in a conveyor belt. And that means at any time, what was the biggest advice I gave you when you were in L.A.?

And I got mad at you all about planning too much. No, you had a commercial audition. Okay, yes. For a fat guy, and you didn't go. Whether you, listen, whether you got it or not, pay $300. I stood up to your attitude. You guys paid $3.00. Doesn't matter because all I need is 10 comedy club managers to see that.

Okay. Now that separates you. every other guy in the Boston open mic scene. Not that you're going to walk around with an ego, but if they're smart, they're going to see what I see. I better be cool to this guy because he might just fucking do something. Right. There's people who book two things and don't know how to handle it.

What do they do? They lose their mind. They already start demanding things and throwing things and they walk into the store with a scarf, I'm up next. And all of a sudden, it backfires. Now that's it. I can name

four people I saw in the convey about five. Tiffany Haddish. Okay. Ari Shafir. I just had the names when I went into it, but the fucking P.HC. Edible, not, you know, Ralphie Mae. Wow.

You know, it's hard. Now that you put me in the spot But it like it sounds like the conveyor belt like everyone's on it but like when they're moving really fast on it No, no, no No, no You're walking around Hollywood You're dressing like an actor You're acting like a comic you're getting spot at the daily cafe

You do the open mic at the improv You work as a waiter somewhere and you have this weird dream You know, and I get dog I get dreams Don't fucking get me wrong at all you know, I still remember going to acting class and better yet, I still remember going on a party up the corner from the comedy store. And there was a bunch of young actors talking about what scenes they were doing an acting class. And that was the party? And how lucky they were.

And oh, my God, you were so fortunate. That's my favorite movie. I didn't go there to do scenes in fucking acting class. Do you follow me? So everybody's perspective is different. When I heard that, I go, oh, so that's where I end up. And things don't go, well, yeah, these guys will sit around for 10 years. I'm an actress.

I'm an actor, you know, getting called back, shit like that. But they're not really working. Right. Yeah, they were an act. What have you done that I've seen? Did you see Pacific Blue? And yeah, it's like this guy, rest in peace. There's a kid who got killed in L.A. that was on a soap opera.

Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, recently. He just did two movies. He's fucking bartending to make extra money. So for all these people at home that see somebody in a movie and go, I'm going to go borrow $20 from them. Don't even think about it. There's no, you know, it's a hustle.

But back to what we were talking about, you're in the conveyor belt. Mm-hmm. and the conveyor belt does move slow at first but then it picks up momentum as you get funnier it picks up momentum it's like a fucking choo-choo train you know it picks up momentum and then you just work I worked on comedy for two years I disappeared once my apartment got towed

I disappeared I said what am I doing here I'm fighting within myself I got snor coke in Miami I went to Miami and hosted and headlined and featured for six fucking weeks. And then I went back somewhere else. I went to Syracuse. That's why I was in Syracuse. And I stayed up there doing auditions for the Sopranos and fucking landscaping and cracking jokes up there

and doing the fucking club up there. I mean, and then I went on a road for two long runs. I went on one from like April till November, maybe October. And how many times did you go home to L.A.? None. Oh, okay. I would send clothes to Josh Walshouse

like clothes I would buy on the road to rotate my stock. Sox, underwear, jeans, had a little baby suitcase that somebody gave me. I think Jimmy Schubert gave me when I moved to L.A. Guys, what the fuck? You know?

And I came back in 90, like, I came back like October 99 and I did a couple shows at the store. And I got high with my friend one night, Ralphie, well, Ralphie didn't get high. We were snorting Coke and drinking. And me and my friend were talking about maybe doing a little tour. So I had El Paso I could always sign on the tour I had like already eight of nine clubs

that were on. All I had to do the matter of calling me she was going to feature so we were coming in as a feature MC fucking group package. Oh wow. That's how good of a relationship I had with these clubs at the time. I was going to say.

And I fucking, the tour started in old Paso, Texas, 2000, December 31, 1999. And we kept going until fucking May. And how many nights a week would you have a show? Three to four, but we'd always pick something up. And I'm going to tell you something.

We started with a six-week run. It started from El Paso, two triple weeks, I think a week at a club somewhere. and then two other triple weeks. Fuck you, brother. We ended up going to, we ended up going to like El Paso, Oregon, Seattle,

Walton through Seattle. I didn't know about my warrant. We went through Idaho. We went through all that shit. And then we did a club in Ohio, maybe. were you driving to this year drove from Oregon all the way to Ohio

and we did Ohio and Michigan and like three nights for a booker that we picked up on the road we ended up in Milwaukee got a week up at the fucking club in Milwaukee and we did the college Marquette

uh you know it was just it started with six weeks I ended up in like fucking 13 or something. It was brilliant. It was just fucking brilliant. We ended up three weeks in Miami. Wow.

And you didn't have this book? You would just call people and... Just call people along the way. And then she went home and I stayed out another month. You know, and she was a bigger party and I was. But at that time, I could go for days. She went, she was alcohol. I was drugs.

so she burnt out first. She was like, I don't know how you do this. She called me like two weeks later. She's like, Doug, what the fuck was that? We went everywhere, and everywhere we went, we picked up booze, drugs, weed. Every night was a different flavor. Like, you didn't know what we were going to do,

especially on the triple runs. And then how would you wake up and drive, like, 12 hours that day? If you were so fucked up than it before. I think on the nights we had the long drive we kind of kept it easy. Okay, but... One of us would go up the deep end and the other one had a cover.

Right. Nights we really went crazy and we had like a four-hour drive. We were trained to do that. You know, asleep by that point. I remember till this day, she'll always, like, when I see it, she'll bring up the tour. I just spoke to her the other day

because I told her to go to Austin. I go go to Austin and do a weekday. That's a great open mic place. Plus, you like Texas. You lived in Texas for 20 years. Go to Houston, do two things to shoot, take a bus to Austin and walk up and down. I'll get your spots at Red Bands Club and then walk up and down. You know, that, that's fun for somebody who's 35.

I mean, she's a little older than 35, but she's single. You know, she has no kids. What the fuck? Right. But, yeah. I know you said you were partying, but like how much better did you get out? after like a two-month fucking tour. It's not a tour, man.

It's a fucking summer camp and focused comedy. All you're focused on is writing new jokes, trying them, sleeping, getting a car, and driving to the next locale. And, you know, at that point, that was one of the time, like, you know, you got to go against your word every once in a while. You got to be hypocritical. I was doing Sundays then because there was no...

I wasn't going back to LA. What do I care? Sunday's just an extra 50, 75 bucks we pick up. I still remember we picked up a fucking coffee shop and they paid us like

150 bucks we split it. Nice. And they had like 30 people and they were all drinking tea and coffee and eating like fucking crumpets. How do they feel about you? Oh, you know, at that time I was raw, you know.

I was raw and uncensored. But that was a hell of a little fucking run. And she used to drink. So every night I didn't know what was going on with her. Like I go back to my room and also get a call from the hotel manager. You know this girl? She's down here looking for you. I have to come down here.

She was the comedian. Open up her door, put her in there, fucking close the door. But I loved her for it because she was free as shit. Every once in a while, I'd lose her and I'd knock on the door. And she had a guy in there and two guys with two chicks and they would party and I'd go, all right. That's a long, that's really awesome. And we wrote and we wrote and we listened to seed comedy records, the whole drive. Everybody, Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, fucking Kathleen Madigan.

Ron White, anybody who had a CD then, we would stop at record stores and look for Lenny Bruce. And I don't even know what happened to those CDs. I just left them in a car. Now, that's what we were doing that. We would just listen to comedy CDs, making notes, asking ourselves why that was funny. Stop that.

Why is that joke funny? Right. The delivery, you know. We were listening to Brian Regan. one of the Regans. It was the main league. A lot of Regan, a lot of Kathleen Madigan, a lot of fucking Lenny Bruce.

Oh, we bought Bob Newhart. Fuck. That's all. Yeah, because if you're driving from Oregon to Ohio, a lot of time. That's a lot of time. No, no, no, no. What Oregon to Ohio?

We flew to Miami. We parked the car in Chicago. We parked the car. When we got Miami, we said, what we're going to do? Nothing. You want to drive all the way to Houston or L.A.? No, all right. Fuck it. Pack a bag. We'll buy bikinis down there. I thought she was going to bail in.

But no, she was like, fuck it. I'm going down there. And she did the black room against she didn't want to do it. Because Monday and Tuesday, it was Black Night at the Improv. And I'd make it go up there. They throw chicken wings out of it and shit. At the ball. They were throwing chicken. Bro, that was the coldest room in the country.

I did okay. I skated on my pants because I used to dance and act like mumbo-jumbo. But when I went out of material and ate a bag of dicks, and it took me about three years to go back there, dog. Because when they're cold blood, they're cold-blooded. They would boo you and then start hitting the glass with spoons. Fuck. That's pretty intense.

How long would you have, like, five minutes? You had about four minutes before they made up their fucking mind with you. Oh, my God. And I saw shitty comics bomb, but I saw a great comics bomb in there, too, because they had no time for that shit. And they didn't like certain brothers. If you went in there trying to be smart and stuff, oh, they would close shit out here. They wanted, you know, it's fucking country. It's fucking Miami.

It's, you know, yeah, you know. they don't want you going in there. Well, you know, half black and half Japanese. Boo! You know? I've heard so people, like all the comics have talked about

like Miami being a crazy place to do stand-up. It's very crazy, but enjoyable, the attention, there's cocaine. That means your attention span is very minimal. Really?

Is that? Okay. I got a blonde sitting next to me. I gave her a bump and I already see her one eye wiggling. You know what I'm saying? She's got a mini skirt on. It's time to go. It's time to go.

So I'm giving you like six minutes. Or when I finished this fucking nachos with the flies on it. And then I figure out what I'm going to do. But those towns, man, they, this cocaine. Listen, Miami, South Beach. Comedy's never worked in the South Beach, even though they've tried it. Investors, money, it doesn't work, you know. Green Bay, there's so many fucking places that it just doesn't work, you know.

But that's one of the places that you better get to it. A lot of people don't do well in Miami. And because there's, like, too much to do? Like, what do you think, what do you think of it is about Miami? It's just, I brought down there with about five guys. that hated it and bombed every show. In fact, I worked there with a comic.

God rest of the soul, he didn't make it past Friday night. Was he headlining or featuring? Headliners. We quit there. Damn. That was a cold-blooded club. Till this day, it's a very cold-blooded club. They quit.

It made a weekend. You better bring, the fucking, you know, the Malunga juice, Jack. Fact. Like, it took me a long time to get to that room. The first week I did room, I did good because I had to buy because I was Cuban.

But that shit wore off quickly. And now I had to fucking practice what I preached. And that was one of the rooms that made me better because it sucked who you are out. They don't want to hear all this fucking chitter chattie. What's with the chitter chitter? I suck my dick. Well, let's get, let's go.

go back home. You know, that's the idea down there. It's like, I don't know, the nightlife is like a sped up New York like it used to be. But that doesn't, as a comic, you don't worry about that. You take those images. You go down there and go, fuck it. I'm going to come

in your mouth on this fucking stage. And you try, and you know what? You're going to die. Listen, here's the beauty about comedy. You never know when you're going to die. It's like life. Right. I know I'm going to quit working. when I'm 65. If I'm a cop,

if I'm a lawyer, they're going to push me out, they're going to buy me out, whatever. But with comedy, it ain't over to the fat lady fucking sinks. It ain't over to the priest throws that fucking dirt on you. And your grandmother starts crying.

He was a good... Then it's over. Then it's over, dog. You don't know what I'm talking about? What do you say? What do you want from me? I'm just trying to fucking convey the message here. Dog, I am as high as fuck.

How much do you take tonight? 1,200. And no much. I just went Acapello tonight with the fucking thing. But hold on real quick. I got to fucking talk to these people about it. So I'm going to take a second here. Talk to them to you guys about on it.

And we'll be back to close out the show. All right. I'll be back. Hey, did you miss the honor? Mid-month sale? Is it over yet? I think you got a couple of days. If not, never fear, Uncle Joey's here.

You understand me? On it is rocking and rolling. You want to be on point in the summer. Alpha brain, whether you take the new one is tremendous. But if you can't take the new one, that powdered stuff they have, you mix it with water and drink it. Woo! Pure Fuego, like the pre-workout, pure fuego. Listen, I don't know if you're interested.

to honor and that I do the cycle alpha brain every two or three months just to get my mind tip top m'gou and I'm back jack I'm playing the drums with no lights on you know what I'm saying that's what I'm talking about you know us and on it we got shroom tech shroom tech immune shroom tech sport listen there's a variety of things I can't hook you up with kettlebells or hoops that you fly around in but as far as supplements are concerned uncle Joe is here. I'm going to get you 10% off when you press in code church, C-H-U-R-C-H. It's that easy. Go to honor.com and support the checking. All right. I love you. I'm thinking about you always, so take care of yourselves. It's good for the mind, get in shape,

do something with yourself. You can't sit there and watch podcast all day, all right? Get some on it, lift some weights, go for a walk. Do so. Walk the dog. break a window I don't know and now back to the check-in all right I'm back don't forget to head on it

they're fucking tremendous I love the alpha brain anyway a lot of shit going on Lee you know what the thing in the fucking world that I want to talk to you about like this fucking everybody

with the felon thing I'm seeing all these felon shirts all of a sudden you know really and yeah you know people like felon felon felon you know what the beautiful thing is man

I never thought like a felon I got in trouble I paid my debt to society and after that I didn't even talk about it for years for years I didn't talk about it to nobody unless they were you know but no I didn't talk about it I may believe like it never happened I didn't sign on for felony programs

I didn't sign on for felony grants at the time. I didn't disable myself. And that was a state of mind I took. I chose that state of mind, you know. But now, you know, everybody's calling Trump a felon. I see more boycotted more t-shirts with felon on. And I'm like, look at Trump.

He don't even give a fuck. Like people are sitting there going, how's a fellow going to, how's a felon? Listen, I'm not a politician. I'm not talking about politics. See, I'm not here upset nobody on a Tuesday morning. I'm just saying think about it. Like everybody's like, he's a friend.

He just puts that fucking thing back and he's ready for war. He's like Uncle Joey. Did you have a chance? I want to bring this up for the younger comics and for people in general. Did you have a younger chance to watch Ari on Burke Reischer? On Birdcast? Yes. I haven't yet.

It's a very interesting podcast. There was a segment on it where they spoke about. What's going on in the comedy world and how we're acting as comics? That includes me, you know. You know, with the videos and the constant touring and the sales and this and that. He was just talking about how a lot of us have lost our minds with it. I'm happy I caught myself. I caught myself one morning when I was going out.

it was raining out, raining at 7 in the morning, and I wanted to go out and smoke dope in the periscope. And that's what really happened to me, Lee. It was a little bit before the pandemic, just about that, like, a week away, that I went back inside and I go, and also I go, I'm really thinking that these people are at all waiting for this.

That's not good. And then a couple weeks later, you know, when the pandemic hit, I was looking at all these videos and I'm smoking and I'm smoking and I'm smoking and they were simple videos and that's not what Ari was talking about. Ari was talking about like, you know, what happened to us? Like we started taking private planes and everybody's got a watch and everybody's got 10 speed cars and I told Ari we spoke about after the podcast.

And I go to Ari, I got two things. This is important for the first. fucking comedial young comics coming up because there's so much pressure on you for social media and what to put on there and how to put it on there and I got to be honest with you don't get lost in instagram a picture with Joe Rogan or with Shane Gillis or with Bert or with me or with anybody and don't confuse those things for working it really bothers me that everybody wants a picture with an improv behind them

and that settles their problems do you know what I'm saying and it takes more than that to become a comic it takes fucking years and one day you're going to look at that picture and go what was I stupid I might as well put a picture me and my family me and my dog up yeah if something good happens in your life and you're selling tickets you want to publicize it I fucking, you know, you got to take a shot on everything.

But focus, and I told Ari, this was it. As comedians, we forgot our mission. What's the mission? What's the mission? What's the square root of a date? Getting late. A piece of ass, right? Okay.

What's the square root of becoming a comedian? Getting laughs? Being funny. Way before you become Eddie Murphy, and way before you become, a fucking influencer and way before the fuck you're doing you got to prove to these

people that you know what the fuck you're talking about and that you put the work in and that you're fucking funny that's all they want to know about you. Everything else is bullshit. These people that think because they get a tattoo on their forehead and they put a fucking hoodie on when they're smoking a cigarette

that doesn't make you funnier. At all. I got shocking fucking news for you. That doesn't make you funnier. you're just doing what fucking anybody else did with a cigarette you know so i think there's a lot of pressure on you but i always want you to remember every day and write this in your writing notebook because i did never forget the mission of what we're doing here it's not about fucking you know never forget the fucking mission of what we're doing here now there's a sidekick

to that also. Because of the internet, the people who follow us, the people who come to our shows, the people who support us are also very vocal. It's a different type of fan. When I was a kid, I was a fan of Richard Pryor,

but I was also 12, 11, 10. I was a fan of Richard Pryor. I had like three or four of his albums, but I couldn't go to one of his shows. So I was a fan without being a fan. Right.

Do you follow me? And now, when you're a fan, I hate that fucking word with all my art. I've always hated that fucking word. When we're part of your universe and you're a part of ours, it's heavy duty to be a fucking fan. You're watching videos.

You're fucking... Listen to the podcast. You're buying T-shirts. When I was a fan of Richard Price, even have a website. You know, I didn't know who he was. I used to have to look behind the album for fan club information, you know, and you send a letter to five dollars. His manager took that five dollars. I never heard nothing back from those motherfuckers. So now the person who's interested in you, and we give, listen, I gave the world everything for me. I gave them my soul

those years in the church. I told you everything you needed to fucking know. The first years of podcasting are out there and they're fucking great because nobody gave a fuck. Yeah. Nobody gave a fuck. Nobody gave a fuck. You know,

everybody gives a fuck. You follow me? So, Dog, I'm really grateful to you for coming into my life at that time because we put a fucking show together that was tremendous. Like I told Theo, it took me for it. Two years.

to get back to normal. It was like being on a ship for five years, fighting people in the Black Sea and shit, between the edibles and everything else. And just what was going on in my life, my wife, my child, you know, a child got brought into my life in 2013. That was part of it, too.

In the middle of everything, you were right there. In the middle of fucking everything, my wife gets knocked up. And I'm like, or at least it was now. At least it wasn't when we were living in a fucking apartment, splitting cans of tuna with the cat.

So I'm grateful for all that shit, but it was a different fucking time. People have no idea. Like, when I left there, I'm like, I can never do another three-hour podcast. We were doing seven-hour podcast. We were getting there at six and leaving there at one. Fucked up.

Well, I was leaving at one. You would just put a pillow and a blanket on and stay there. And then I called you next morning. What up? I woke up at 7.15 in the morning. I'm sorry. I put the fuck. I don't give a fuck.

We did our job, Jack. I wish I brought a blanket and a pillow. I can't tell you how many nights I would wake up with the lights still on. The door was open. We weren't in a good area. We were like a scare. Like people could have definitely seen. Oh, now they would have definitely killed this.

Oh, yeah. Now they would have fucking definitely. killed us. But, you know, and that's what it is. I think that a lot of people as a comedian, and I did for a while, but I'm happy I did the podcast. I'm, to this day, if you want to call me a podcast comic, that's fine. I don't give a fuck. I'm very grateful I did the podcast, because to me, it was like when you watch a boxer on HBO and six weeks before the boxer fights, they give you a half hour with him every week, and he gives you glimpses of his life. of what he goes through.

You thought he was out there jumping up and down, hanging out with his buddies. Nah, this motherfucker's training. Then he takes his mother to dialysis. Then his nephew's blind. You know, it's a whole fucking day of activities. Meanwhile, you thought he was the strip club making it rain. But I don't, do you agree that, like,

comics need something more than just stand up to, like, really make it, like, or I know some people, People can just do stand-up. But, like, I know you said, you don't regret. Why would you regret the podcast? The podcast? No, because I hear negative things about podcast comedians.

And, you know, I, listen, I paid my dues at the store. I'm a 20-year Marine over there. And, yeah, I'm a podcast comic, but I'm happy because it would, it's the only way I would have gotten to the next level. It wouldn't have been with my stand-up. It would have been, I was funny. Always remember one thing. Everybody goes for being funny.

And at the end of the day, you got to realize there's 400 funny motherfuckers out there. They're trained assassins and laughter. That's a big pool. But nobody's had your life. And you have to figure out how to put it out there, whether it's, would stand up. Don't go out there and tell me, my grandmother was, born in Israel and she got bit by malaria.

I'm eating a cheeseburger. You know what I'm saying? You want to talk about bugs and shit. But you know what I'm saying? Whatever it takes for you to get your soul out there so people don't buy into the character. For me,

I always felt that it wasn't a character. What I talk about offstage is what I talk about on stage. You know this. It's like, you know. But for some people, they go up there, that's an alias or somebody else. A lot of the guys I go up there go up as themselves. But there's a lot of people who are there.

It is an act. When you meet them later on, they don't drink. They don't do this. They don't, you know, so it's kind of, I can never do that. I can never go up in there last week when I came back. No, if it didn't happen, I'm not going to talk about it. But that's a complete different other fucking level. You know what I'm saying?

Motherfuck. But it's true. it's like I'm still blown away that there's people talking shit about podcast comics I don't know it's never honest to God it's never made me come home and you know slam the computer not not oh I know you don't care but the category of that was just uh it was a weird thing and whatever whatever it takes it feeds my wife it feeds me takes care of my friends We have a good time. The church was a different animal altogether.

It was a different time. You know, we have friends of ours that keep telling us, put it back together, move to Austin and do it. It's just, it's, it was a spot in time. I could, if I did one of those on Monday, I couldn't do those two weeks on Monday and Wednesday. With everything, you know, there's no fucking way. I can't walk in here on a fucking Tuesday.

morning looking like Zambol like I was then she was four. She didn't know a difference. What I smelled like or looked like or what I was on. You know. But, because we did it, man. It was fucking great.

Now you can't. Weren't we fucking 44 and over last week? We only got like 12,000 views. Because we got, we got district again. Yeah. I don't know where we'd put the podcast.

Because YouTube, the stuff we're talking about now, It's so tame compared to what we were talking about. I mean, I can't say what I want to say the first five minutes. I can't fucking, you know, show my, if I show my nutsack now, like that day when the line went down, the Twitch, remember we're doing the benefit and the fucking Twitch went down. They were all hype on it. Yeah, Twitch is doing the thing. I put my nutsack out.

Those motherfuckers abandoned shit. And then somebody else came on. Well, yeah, I mean, I'm kind of okay with you not having your nuts and sacked out anymore. Out of our fucking minds. And let me tell you, let me put it in, do you want perspective, cuck, sure. Mercy graduates grammar school this Friday, fifth grade. I'm so excited for her.

Why are you excited? Who gives a fuck? What I'm talking about here is this is what's happened. Yeah. We started the church and we got thrown out of the office because my wife was knocked up. Yeah, almost immediately. Now she's going into fucking whatever.

I don't know. Middle school? Yeah, middle school. Yeah. Listen, when I was a kid, eighth grade, if you were Spanish and you couldn't fucking get it together, you did left back like two times the seventh grade, and they put you in a pilot program.

They fucking helicoptered you to the high school. they gave you basic classes, you know, woodwork, how to paint the fence, you know. And they gave you four years of that, and they pushed you out of there quicker than anything. They had an Army recruiter talking to you every other week. They had immigration, you know. But that's perspective. Perspective for me is this has never happened before. For me, I've never had a family as long in my life.

Perspective is. to see her graduate her first level. I got two more. Three more. If I make three more, I'm good. But right now, I'll take the one. You know what I'm saying? You got to take things in a little fucking doses. And it's great. I'm expecting a great week here.

It's Father's Day on Sunday. Thursday, I go to the 25th anniversary of the Sopranos. Oh, nice. City. Yeah, there's a party. I'm trying to see if I can take my daughter. You know, because if she comes, we could have been and ship at 10. You know what I'm saying?

I don't have to go to a fucking shing thing and take pictures and say hello and make believe I'm somebody I'm not. I could just take my daughter, walk the right carpet with a fucking watch the documentary, watch the other thing, and get in the car and everybody's happy.

Stop and get a slice in the city about 10, 15, when the slices are on fire, you know what I'm saying? But are you going to leave a 10 either way? Leave a what? You probably, you want to leave a 10 either way. If it's a sleeping pill, you know me. Mercy, meet me in the front.

Daddy's got to go to the bathroom. She's having a good time. We've got to go. Do you have that talk with her? Like, hey, I'll just give you the signal. Because you wouldn't have that talk with me. No, I squeeze a hand. I give a look.

She knows. She's 11. She already knows. She's already gotten the Diaz experience. We got to take two steps to the re and get out of here. She's like, Dad, we don't even sit long enough to eat dinner sometimes. We're talking about. We'll talk in the car.

Do you want to talk to me? Talk to me in the car. There's no bugs. Anyway, I love you, cock sucker. I love you, buddy. Have a great week and we'll talk during the week. Stay black. The checking is brought to you by Blue Chew.

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