The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - No more Jew noises

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt about his time at UFC 302 and almost passing out, Lee annoys Joey with his restaurant choice, Joey explains the importance of having a home club as a comedian, why he plays such an active roll as a father and much more! New customers get $150 in bonus bets when you bet 5. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app today and press in code JOEY The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

It's fucking June 1st. The rent is due, or it's June 4th. So you got one more day to hide. One more day to crawl in your window. That's a fucked up day. But it was a good day. It's going to be a good week. I had a nice weekend.

How would we start? Yeah, we're always recording. Oh, we're recording. Okay. You're sitting there like Zambore the Great. What's the story? You're sitting like a fucking Swami at the carnival that you put a quarter in his head and he gives you a fortune. Like, I'm going to listen.

to some fucking swami. I only deal with the Chinese, you know what I'm saying? They have a Chinese Swami maybe? No, listen, don't even get started. It's not happening, all right? So don't even go there. Chinese people don't eat hummus, all right?

So let's start. No. There's no hummus, fucking egg food, young or nothing. They wouldn't even, that's when I draw a line. I'd have a talk with my daughter the other night. Friday night, I fucking up to a kid's party and she was sitting next to an older girl

and the girl goes to my wife, I'm trying to, you know, spoil your daughter or whatever the words, you know, I don't know, what she used. And my daughter had a cup of ranch next to her and a slice of pizza. And I looked at it and I go, if you do that,

there's no graduation, and I'll explain to you later. And she just got pale. She didn't know, like, Dad, I ain't doing nothing. And in the car yesterday, I just dug into you. Listen. You ever see what people look like that eat ranch? They don't look too healthy, do

they? Their ankles swell up. They got fucking orange fingers from the wings and God knows what else because they're fucking savages, those people. That's a different breed, you know, the fucking ranch dressing people. Is that the first time you started doing it?

That's the first time somebody put it to the test and they knew how I felt about it. I'm like, nah. It's not. Don't even think about it. I go, after my one I was homeless and my mother died the Italians fucking gave me a place to live now you want to ruin that culture with ranch dressing on fucking pizza I go I will stab you 18 times you understand me no ranch and if you got creepy friends that he ranches get up from the table

can you remind everyone how old your daughter is I love it the rules now we don't forget the rules there's rules there's the rules that keeps us from the animals if not you just become an animal so you might as well have a couple rules in your life and ranch is where you draw that line

listen I didn't have no rules in my life but I knew I was never going to eat ranch when I went out of the fucking jersey I knew there was a lot of shit I wasn't going to eat and you saw it I don't eat none of that garbage shit with French fries and lizard meat on it

I don't do that I don't even want to do that. I don't want to smell it. If they sell it, I shouldn't be that. So this is what I was telling you, I have a surprise for you. And surprise. I went to conveyor both sushi again this weekend. I bet you did. For the second, it was good. It comes right to you. It has like, I had a robot waiter. It brought me the drinks. Great. Now you're, now you're fucking, you know, how you're supporting that shit? So because of Momo's like you,

I'm going to have to go to a restaurant and talk to some fucking metal guy pretty soon in two years hi how's your order great I need some fucking robot bringing my shrimp caught him blue you know what I'm saying they also have iPads they have iPads you can order on oh isn't that fucking interesting out of my face part of the restaurant is to talk to the way to the torture him to see if he's annoying to see if he's got cancer breath you know you got to you got to talk to the way to see what type of atmosphere is it But if you're sitting there listening to a robot, you know, what's next?

They give you a little toy. If you get like 10 plates. Yeah. You shoot up your ass to bug you from the blood and Japanese sewage that's going to come out of it. Cucketucket. Oh, I got to be honest. It was, it was okay, but it's like one step above grocery store sushi. That's pretty much what it is.

This is what I'm talking about. Now, you make a good living. You're not missing any fucking meals. Why would you do that? This is what I don't understand about the American public that they know walking in there to that fucking dump. I risk cancer. I risk, you know, fucking whatever, some bad fish. I was worried.

Nice joint that's maybe got a happy hour. Don't eat as much like a fucking animal. And I'd rather eat three pieces of sushi that are fucking fresh. You could still taste the salt water on them. You can see the fingernail. Part of the hook is still in them. that's what I want. I don't care about fucking computer.

I'm one of those guys. I'm never going fucking forward with that goofy shit. You know, it just eliminates the whole restaurant experience. It kind of does. Like, what about at the airport? Like in New York,

they have some of the restaurants you have to order on an iPad. I don't go there. I don't go to restaurants where I got to order an iPad. Let's pretend I don't have glasses. I'd rather fucking starve. That's a, sign from God. I don't want to eat

at your fucking dump, okay? There's tons of restaurants in an airport. I mean, you ever been to Paduca Airport? No, not recently. It's just a vending machine. Who even flies to Paduca? I had a connection to that once. Listen,

20 years on flights, you have a connection everywhere that you'll remember worse than a bombing. Because the only reason why you're there is because you're bomb the night before it's some helltown that you didn't belong at oh no i went to another airport in texas somewhere off a field united airlines no american airlines ricky rocket was with me not with me i saw him at the airport we flew out of uh michigan and we were supposed to connect somewhere and then go to l a he had done some convention or something we got to the airport at

fucking five in the morning i saw him at the gate like five 15 we were at the same gate at like fucking four in the afternoon. Oh no. And we got on the plane and we as we were flying there like tornadoes and shit. So we had to make an emergency fucking landing in Texas on an airport that had like nothing and sit there for two hours. Finally they you know what they brought food. The airline brought food and they said we wouldn't make it home. We connected in Dallas dog. I had my fucking ID with like a $50 bill. Okay.

The fucking American Airlines, they pulled me up, threw him the 50. He walked me to the air. He walked me to the fucking gate. That's how tight that 50 was. Jesus, that's smart. Come on, dog. Money talks and bullshit walks. You want to get them clicking with your story.

Well, I'm connecting in Italy. What do we do? Listen, here's a happy yard. Get me to the flight. Jesus. Have you ever missed a gig because of missing a flight or like a delayed flight? All the time. I can't tell you how much.

I go in the night before and get my own hotel to avoid. It gives me so much anxiety to fly in the day of. You know, man, when you're a young comic, you're young. You know, remember, I'm 61 going on 22. I'm still a retard. But when you're a young comic, you tend to fucking think you'll get there. First off, when you're a broke comic, You had a gig the night before.

Right. You get to the airport at 5 in the fucking morning to make the connecting flight. You know, you got no money. So you got to buy a ticket that connects 18 times. I still remember being on South West. That motherfucker stopped four times on the way to Vegas. I got on the plane the morning. I didn't get to Vegas till midnight in the rain.

Jesus. That's why it would be a starving comic. No, out of Miami, we went Miami. It was Miami to Denver. You know, that's what they tell you on the itinerary those days. There wasn't no computer. When I get there, it's like nine stops. We went to Miami to New Orleans,

picked up the ensemble jazz fucking band there. It was cool to Houston to pick up some fucking, you know, some calaches. And then we went to like somewhere else. And then that was delayed. And then we got to, I was doing something for BET, 1999 in Vegas. They put us in the Plaza Hotel.

Downtown, okay. Yeah, they should have just gave me the cash. I would have got a nicer tent. Oh, no. That was also 98. I went back to the plaza in 2016. We all went. It was nicer.

You could still smell the bodies in the sand, but it wasn't that bad. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, let's get this fucking party started. Lisa, yeah. What are we doing here? Greetings! It's Tuesday, June the fort.

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You order today, I'm going to get your free shipping. And say goodbye to harsh smoke forever. Now, without further ado, welcome to the check-in. Turn out your TVs, run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you've got to be thinking.

Welcome back to show! Uh-oh. What up, Mook? I'm doing great, dude. It's silly to ask, but how was your weekend? I don't have to tell you. I'm still recovering. I'm an old goat.

You know, things happen. That's pretty, it was cool. Like, when did you find out you were going? Well, here's what happened. I didn't, listen, I don't bother, Rogan. It's not my style. If I get a text, we'll start the communication or call, but I didn't hear from him until Friday morning when he was leaving Austin.

Oh shit, okay. I'm stopping by you to eat. I'm like, okay. Again, I ran my day because I don't know when he's going to land. I know he's got the weigh-ins. I don't know if they're in New York or not. He called me and he goes, he was going to do the weigh-ins. Then after that, he was starving. He was coming right to me. I'm like, that's 8 o'clock.

Right. This dude shows up at a quarter of the seven. Perfect. So I was going to take him to a different spot. But he suggested Olnito, him and his fucking crew. And we went in there. Now, I've eaten clams. I've been eating clams since I was fucking maybe seven.

My mom used to make me fucking eat clams to toughen me up when I was a kid. You know, I've had them every way, horseradish, you know, spaghetti and clam sauce. Right. These clams at Olito, it were called charred clams. Ooh. Now, picture five guys like me sitting at a table talking shit. before the dinner comes. I mean, we were going at it.

Steven Segal, you know, the whole fucking, we were talking about people. Next thing, you know, the meal, the appetizers came. And that would be pretty much had gotten clams. We bit into them. There was a silence over the table. That's the best.

You went into that trance. It was like the clam taste, and you didn't know whether it was lobster. You didn't know what it was. I'm like, what the fuck is this? And then you taste the, the cherry pepper. And that's life changes.

I mean, I ate like three of them maybe, and I had to go to the bathroom and fucking pee. Like, it lit me on fire. Jack, the flavor. It was superb. And I'm not one of those guys. I don't like all that cream and shit. This wasn't creamy. A piece of faccato bread. Oh.

I'm not usually a clam person, but it sounds great. Oh, my God. And the clams were fucking huge. It looked like my nut sac. The clams are huge. When I was eating those clams, I'm like, this is what my nuts must taste like when you skin them. Like if Hannibal liked them, have ate my nutsack, that's what he'd do, marinate them, put them on fucacho bread like a fucking animal. That's what I kept thinking. These ain't clams.

These are somebody's nuts from the fucking sanitarium. And if you still ate them, they must have tasted good. Listen, at that point, it's like eating Chinese food. You close your eyes and pray for the best, you know what else? What else did you guys get anything good? I ate a couple of the My God, it was like lobster something It was black ink squid

Not pasta, but the cups like a ravioli Oh nice I've never seen that before Oh my dog, this is Jersey bitch When you come here you better bring both guns I never saw that before I never saw that before I'd never seen that before in my life

And when we were sitting there I had spoken to Theo early in the day, and he said he had a ticket for me to come with him. Oh, nice. Which is better, because I don't have to ask Joe. Joe asked me if I was going, and I go, Theo's got a ticket. I haven't made up my mind yet because I'm not driving up there.

He goes, Theo's ticket is my ticket. You're coming. And that was it. Nice. I got a car. I went through the back. I ate four grams of mushrooms. I had a bag of those fucking sillies.

Four grams of tropical blue. They were delicious. I ate the whole bag before I even got in a fucking car. By the time I got to Newark, I was already kind of on fire. But when I walked in, it's not walking into a room with three people. It's walking into a room with 10,000 people.

It wasn't filled up yet. My heart stopped. I'm happy I brought my little anxiety fucking inhaler because I had to stop. Nobody caught me with the inhale and I had to sit down in my chair and go, ooh, I think I made a mistake. Did you take the mushrooms as soon as you got in the car? Yeah, why not? I want to get them to be on fire.

What am I half a fucking pussy here? You got to go prepared. You're walking into Newark. You better come with fucking three guns to Newark. It makes a little sense because you FaceTime me with Theo. And I don't know if you remember, but you guys didn't say a word. Both of you were just dying laughing for about 30 seconds. There was nothing to say.

There was lights and disco music and fucking people dancing. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? It was superb. I hadn't been to one in a long time. You know, usually I'm pretty scared to go out at night, never mind go to Newark to one in the morning. That's a sure recipe to get stabbed.

You have that, listen, there's some things that things are going to happen. Escalated sushi, Newark after this. It's not going to end well. You know what I'm saying? But I was even surprised you stayed for the whole thing, which is not like you. Listen, I ate another bag. I brought loose mushrooms. I was chomping on those in the bathroom.

Some dude gave me capsules, a gram in each thing. We were popping capsules in between fights. It was superb. Super. Like, it doesn't freak you out being in, like in front of 10th? You had a TV camera on your face. And you were on X amount of grams. When you go to an event like that, unlike basketball or haven't been to a boxing match in 35 years.

You know, I used to go to the garden and watch the janitor's golden gloves on a Tuesday night. Yeah, a long time ago, 84, 83. So I'm sitting here with you. And I will tell you one thing that differentiates the UFC. brand. Okay. And anything else you'll go see. And I've never

been to Bellator because I've always thought like I cheated on UFC because they were good to me from the beginning. Joe was taking me. You know, and I fell in love with the sport and I started watching it. So, but I'd go to Sixth of Games. I go to Nick

games. I go to Philadelphia, Philly Games. They're all great events. But when you walk into a UFC, the energy sweeps under your feet, whether you're in the cheap seats or in the best seats in the house. Because I was looking at the fucking middle seats and those motherfuckers were having a great time. Yeah. And once you tap into that energy, whether it be with edibles or mushrooms or a hit off a vapor pen or whatever the fuck turns you. turns you on you feel it a little extra you feel it like you feel it like you know that you can't go

to one of those events and do cocaine you got to be a fucking idiot you know i'm not getting up every eight minutes and walking around with a stupid look on my face i'm not going to do ecstasy i'm gonna either smoke or have a couple cocktails if that's my shit they got cocktails there you know you drink pre margaritas you get that good tequila in you you eat a half a mushroom that Worm gets in, you're on fire out of UFC dog. So for me, this is what works for me. It don't work for everybody else. I'm a fucking pathetic junkie.

So this doesn't work for everybody else. So there's an energy, like, I still remember taking acid and going to see Anderson Silver with Ari. And Hanson, Silver, kicked the guy in the face. And, like, I thought he kicked me in the face. Me and Ari looked at each other. We almost ran the fuck out of there. And, like, especially with mushrooms, like, mushrooms are so, like, positive and silly.

Yeah, you're just silly. But the people getting punched in the face doesn't, like, freak you out? A couple times I felt the punch. Sean Strickland's fight, definitely called, uh, whatever,

my man Dustin's fight. I felt some punches. I felt a couple leg kicks. I'll tell you that. Those leg kicks are fucking brutal. I saw that that wrestle, the mackaloff. Mm-hmm.

That's unbelievable. That wrestling, that's just, it's just unreal what it takes to be one of those people. I think that's what impressed me the most that night. Seeing the art, I haven't really watched it in person in seven years, and you can see how much it's evolved in those seven years. They've become way better athletes. You think so? Yeah, look at the early U.S.ies.

There was a lot of guys that were chubby, you know. Right. I'm just thinking because I started watching it like a little over a decade ago. And they had, but they did have like, they had boy Nelson who was awesome. And they, but then and they, yeah, they, but then, and now they have people who are like in their 20s who have been doing juditia for like a decade. Now they have people who haven't done drugs like testosterone. Like they just regular guys. There was a guy that fought tremendous.

He looked like he just got off to. fucking couch playing Nintendo, whatever the fuck that is. Really? To get into a fist fight. I missed the prelims, but that was that. Yeah, prelums. And then there was another guy Almeida. A Brazilian, that was his first fight.

You knew as soon as he walked in, he was killing somebody that night. Really? I tried to bet him, but it was 25 bucks to win six. So I took one because I knew this guy's finishing this guy. He's going to jump right there's his first fight he beat Alex Paray in a kickboxing match oh shit okay they didn't tell you that until after the fight I guess I didn't say nothing I just found that

Friday is it like do you see something different live than you do on TV tremendous you feel it you know a couple people hit me up on Twitter did you faint during the blood yeah right to answer you question I almost went down there was one part of the fight that the mushrooms, me, and the blood made eye contact. And it was not good, fellas. Really? God, thank God I put myself in those positions to get stronger. I looked down, I started a conversation with Tommy,

and then when I was ready, I looked up and it was fine. And it was when he was about to choke him. He ripped his face He ripped his nose or something When Dustin Porreier got up It was six ounces of blood came out of his nose And then he went And another six ounces came out of his nose

I was going to have a fucking heart attack And for the people who hit me up on Twitter God bless you Yes, your uncle Joey almost fainted to that fight And that scared me more than anything That's why I just started breathing it out Because there's nothing there's nothing worse than pass not in front of fucking 18,000 people.

Yeah, that would. I can never show my face again. I got to walk around like Michael Richards with a fucking mascot. This is the idiot that passed out at the UFC during Porriere's fight. Well, the other way, you couldn't play it off as edibles. In front of Trump. So you know, I'm getting deported. Like, imagine that.

Fainting in front of Trump at a UFC event. I'm getting deported. probably before that happened i would have like jumped on somebody and grabbed them just to tackle them and take my mind off it what when was the last time you had you passed out because you've been work on on this since i've known you i passed out when i was at ralphi may at the uh at a different UFC fight okay when it was live i guess this guy i got sick from looking at the towel the towel was drenched in blood and when they threw the towel down it landed by the case and it splattered the blood.

And I fucking went right down. And that's when I landed on the chick's fake titties. Oh, yeah. And then another time, I was home this time. Thank God. And I fucking fainted watching BJ Penn at like 11.30 at night. Like one of those late fights free. I had stupid and I put it on.

I woke up. It was like fucking a Christian. show was on and I was on the couch, my shirt was still wet, you know, from fucking getting drenched and sweat. I must have passed hours of shit. Holy, that's crazy. That's awesome that you're able to fight it

though. I forced myself Oh, today I had my wife give me a shot. The knee of a peptide. He showed me, I could fill up the syringe. Listen, I'm going to tell you something. God gave me a certain

gift. All that blood shit and needles. I love heroin and Led Zeppelin and all that stuff. Yeah, I guess you're right. Orgies on heroin and getting VD. That's when you want to go at 37. Those guys didn't die mysteriously. It had just been too much, too quick.

You know what I'm saying? So, but thank God because I don't like it. I was going to say. It took me, you know, 56 years to accept a needle. maybe 50 years to accept the needle. It took me another five to like, you know, go, I'm good. But I don't trust myself.

I feel one coming. Oh, you feel a fainting? Yeah, because the last time I went down, I didn't go down, I'm lying to you guys. I did PRP on my left knee. And what the motherfucker didn't tell me was that they took six nights of blood out. Damn, that seems like a lot. And by, oh, oh.

It's a lot for Uncle Joey. I'm a chubby dude. I got a lot of blood of me, but I'm not looking to give it away, okay? I work hard for this blood. I got a bunch of shit in this blood. I went to the PRP thing, and by the time they took it out, guys, I was almost there. Thank God I brought a can of coat, not Coke Zero. No, you need the sugar?

Yeah, right away. With some ice on my neck, maybe an ice on my forehead. I've only passed out once. It's scary when it happens. So the other day I went, the doctor showed me how to do it in my knee that. Oh, yeah. So I didn't do it yesterday. And I went to the gym today.

I went to jihitsu. And on the way home, I asked my wife. And I pinch my knee, you know, you got to pinch the skin. So it's the pain and you shoot it in. A couple weeks ago, I went to my place. And I was that the red light sauna wasn't working. And they asked, you know, we're sorry for you to come here and we'll offer you a vitamin shot, NAD shot, whatever. The old Joey Diaz would have said, nah.

I said, you know what? Let's check it out. Good for you. And I went in there and she rolled up my sleeve and she touched the back of my chubby little arm. And next thing you know, it was out. But I remember standing and looking at the mirror. for a second and going, I'm about to go down. Fuck.

And then I look straight ahead and I was fine. Oh, so you didn't? No. Okay. Yeah, that's awesome. I still hate needles. How was your movie last week? Don't worry about needles.

These are young people who want to hear about my fucking needle problems. You know what I'm saying? I had some, like, I had really an interesting show. There's like a bar show and selfie and like the bottom. I'm in an Italian restaurant. And it's really cool. It's called Capo. And I did fine.

It's funny. It was a little lighter than it was when it was cold. And they were like hard to pick up. But it was cool to like see what worked and what didn't. I had a show canceled on Thursday. But then I got really lucky I got to open for Jesus Trejo at Laf Boston on Friday for two shows. This is what was not this the plan a month ago when you and I spoke? Yeah.

I mean, it, it was awesome because I've been trying to get into that close. for two years. Eccalekwa. You see, brother, how it works out for people. And tell him the real gizzard of the story. The real,

oh, the, well, there's a few gizzards. The one gizzard is, and I got really tight with the booker, and then it was his last day as the booker there. We called John's last day of work.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, and he texted me a couple days before to say, hey, this is happening. then the day, like his last day, he texted me at 8 in the morning. So I got really lucky. So you put it on Twitter. I had a couple things to do, but I called you when I was out.

And when you answered, I said, the universe took care of you. Did I not? Yeah. This is, you're right. Coming up in Connecticut when you closed down the bagel shop. The brewery. It was doing it for 100 years. The brewery's gone now?

Or it just closed, like the comedy's closed. No, the whole brewery's going to. The whole thing shut down. So, for how bad you felt that day, the universe felt it, and then we teased you. And then you got a good one on your own. Nobody called for you. Yeah, no.

Fucking put a word in. And that's the way to do it, Lee. That's what these people understand. Now you got a club. And now you work yourself up the ranks. I hope so. God knows who goes through there on Thursday night on a Wednesday before Thanksgiving.

everybody else is out drinking. You're available the night before Thanksgiving, two shows. It could be anybody. Yeah. So do you see, you stay home. That shit of flying and taking a chance and breaking even? Not right now. Not right now.

That's the way to do it. Build that fountain. So when you do go out to the Seattle Comedy Competition in two years, you come from Boston. You have a home. Okay You were trying to get a nomad in comedy That works for a while

But I you know I could steal on my own for a while But eventually I got to help I got to find help If I want to stay active You know what I'm saying? It's the same thing You gotta fucking join up with somebody You got it in the comedy You gotta find the home club

You know, Austin and I see these young guys Brian and Derek and fucking Assad you could see the happiness in their soul they found the home club what does that mean you're going to bomb there you're going to get the standing ovation there you're going to get booed there you're going to get into a fight there somebody's going to hit you with a bottle but the last three years that you're there you're going to own that joint you're going to know what jokes to say what bounces off the wall correctly, you know, you're going to know all these things. And that's what people understand. I wasn't good in the original room.

I just knew the secrets. I mixed it in with the piano player. Right. With Jeff. God rest of the soul. I knew. I knew the clientele ready. I knew this side of the room. I was watching them for the last two hours. I've been watching them from the back. you know, and then over the years it got more and more packed. So you would stand by the box and sit there stand and you had a duck because there were people standing. And, you know, who's standing on the back with Tom Cruise and Travolta about the fucking drink the juice of death. You know, you know, so you always couldn't do it at the end.

Right. But having a home club is a young comic. And guess what, guys, that club, you really want to perform that? They might not like you. Yeah. So if you're in mass and they don't like you, now you try to get into Providence. And I guess that's-

Providence is a great club, yeah. Yeah, and that's your home club. And then when you start rocking and rolling up there, all of a sudden, Boston, they go, Lee, where you've been? We've got a feature spot for you. And you're like, look at these motherfuckers. But you didn't give up. You didn't move.

Fuck them. I'm never going to work in, but now. You're going to have fucking horrible shows. in Boston. And guess what? You're going to go into one of those two clubs. I mean, what do you have in Boston right now? The clubs?

Yeah. The big one is Laughston. They also have a bunch of, they have off cabot up in the North Shore. They have Knicks. They also have like outskirts. They have Providence. They have a couple of club.

Foxborough and then Providence has a club. Hartford has a club. There's a club. club in New Hampshire. There's a couple clubs in New Hampshire. There's a good amount in this area. You know, and you counted off nine clubs.

The percentages are two of them are gonna like you. Black Boston and maybe Eagle Eye Comedy Club in the basement of a sushi restaurant, you know. And they'll send you down sushi down the stairs on roller skates or whatever fuck. that'd be fun

it was because I was so that when we were asking when I was asking about the plane I was thinking about my drive down there on Friday night I leave early I'm always early

and it took there was so much traffic that I literally had zero miles left in my car I didn't have time to stop for gas and I made it luckily I made it to the parking garage

and I just had a prayer for leaving luckily I made it by the skin of my teeth, but I was so nervous because I was so freaking out that I was either going to run on a gas or not make the show. The first fucking time I left an hour and a half early, that should take an hour.

But and then it was funny. Like I just didn't do well the first show. I didn't do terrible. It wasn't Connecticut, but it wasn't great. How early did you get that? I got there 10 minutes before the show started because of the traffic. We don't look at the room.

He didn't look. You didn't breathe the air. You were unsettled. Let me tell you something. And I'm telling all this to young comedians right now. And don't tell me, Joey. You don't know what you're talking about. Yes, I do, because I've done it.

If you give me a week to think of the stories, I know one off the top of my head. When you're headed to a gig and you have car problems, like the fucking fag and the Sopranos veto. You're in a tree. pull that car over, you take what you need out of there, you pray for the I don't care if you show up at the

fucking gig with a ping pong table that belongs to your daughter for Christmas. You know, you just, that's it. You got to get to the gig. If it's your car, your mother's car, Ma, I got to tell you a long story. That's when you start talking about, you went to Quincy and the Irish mob

took your car and, you know, you know, I mean, that's it. Yeah, you just need it. I remember one time I left a brand new fucking car on the side of the road and just went home. For a dealership, I left another car. That's the time it came on

fire from Wyoming. One of those states, it was like a two-hour drive home in the winter. In the middle of the night, I took the fuck. I did like two shows for Wild Bill. No, not Wild Bill Bowler. And he had rooms in Wyoming, you know, up

with Greeley. He had a bunch of rooms towards up there. and one night I took a white car I told you that motherfucker car lit on fire I didn't think twice bitch I took thank God I had a flare in that bitch I took that out I was out there like Frosty the Snowman on Christmas finally three guys in the truck picked me up they took me right to my

fucking door I didn't even think you had enough time to get all your stuff out not all my stuff I had like I was or it was a car dealership's car it was a huge car oh okay got it see nothing in it they called me Monday what happened I don't know I just hung up on them the other car the brand new Chrysler it was their answer for the eclipse

something broke first of all I didn't even I had to sleep on the side of the road that night the car wouldn't drive so from like 1 in the morning to like 7 I just kept the heat on until that fucking car died

and once the sunlight came out that's Colorado. I just put a sign on it. Fucking return to send her. That's like some little pigeon dude came by. You need a ride? No, I'm standing here to get a sudden turn. Yeah, I need a fucking ride.

Fuck. I couldn't, I would freak. And you didn't have cell phones all the time. So like, what happened when you showed up to a gig? That was 93. The cell phone was like the size of a bulletproof vest. What? So what would look at the club owner say when you showed up to

the gig finally. No, I had left a gig that night. All those gigs, but by the way, all those rides, I lied, they're on the way home from the comedy gig. But same difference. I got shit doing people to see. If you think I'm going to wait there for AAA, forget it. I don't know what happens. I was home sleeping. All of so I got up, my car was missing. What do you ask me any questions for? How did they get the fucking? How to get three hours away? I don't know.

the guy was headed to Canada and he just changed his mind. I don't fucking know. How did you convince people to let you hitchhike? It's Colorado. They're very listen man, people are nice in some part to this country. They're not all

fucking dirty rat bastards bastards like Jersey, Boston, New York City. You know, somebody sees you hitchhiking in Jersey. If it's out of time, you get hit by a car in Jersey. Or something like the highway, you're like, help me, help me. They'll look like that shit.

Boom! There you go. You're on the term. You didn't even pay a toll, motherfucker. Jesus Christ. That's crazy. I wouldn't walk around here at night.

I wouldn't take it right from anybody here at night. You're fucking crazy. Oh, dude, that, and this is only going to be for Jersey people, but that Route 9 is the worst fucking street in the goddamn country. I hate that street. Don't forget about this. So I'm cooking on those mushrooms.

I give Theo a hug. Rogan. I get in the car. I'm watching TV in the car. Like a doc, I got my feet up. Oh, nice. Sweat shirt up. I'm fucking just, and all of a sudden the lights are hit me from the highway. I'm dripping. I'm seeing shit. As soon as I get off the fucking, whatever, to hit the nine south by the strip club and all that, you see like naked pussy, that sign they got out there. And you get out there and I start going down and now I pop my head up to see where I am. I'm at. Okay.

Lee, I'm cooking on the mushrooms. Now, this could only happen to Uncle Joey. About two minutes later, I look up and I'm watching the fucking TV. I don't even know what I'm watching. It was something on there. And I see red lights. And I mean, not even one red light. I see thousands of them.

It's like, wow. And I'm like, oh, my God. Because I got my passport back and they told me no. So I'm like, they got to pick me up any fucking hour. going out. And when the mushrooms hit me, that went into my mind when I was at the UFC, that the cops come to get me. I got Trump right there. He's a felon.

Everybody got to go. You know what I'm saying? You take him down with you? Hey, listen, I'll run right over and take a picture with him. The cops will be at my door three days from now, charging me with my family's crimes. Are you kidding me? Oh. You take a picture

from the Trump. They're going to analyze that to the end. They're just looking for an excuse. Next thing you know, you're charged and a mastermind. Ooh! Who shut up? And here I am, laughing it into my lungs. It's silent.

That's a protein shake fart. Blueberries. That wasn't silent? No, it was silent, but it didn't smell. It sounded, you know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. That fucking blew out of my fucking headphones. You hit a homeless guy with a car.

It don't sound. That is. And now, Let me take a five-minute break in Talk to you guys about Draft Kings. I'll be back. It's Tuesday. They're checking is brought to you by. Come on, Uncle Joey's

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Bet the small fin, get 150 in bonus bets instantly. Good luck. Don't forget Thursday night, ABC. Gambling problem, call 1-800 gambler. Or in West Virginia, visit 1-800 gambler.net. In New York, call 8778 Hope & Y or text Hope & Y-4-669. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling, call 888-78-9-777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boothill Casinoin Resort in Kansas, 21 and over, age varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. See dkng.com slash B-Ball for eligibility and deposit restrictions, terms and responsible gaming resources. We're back, bitches. MBA finals start this week, Boston, Dallas.

Tremendous, tremendous. Tickets for Thursday night, 800. If you buy me the ticket, I'll go with you and crack jokes and fucking do Zooms and fucking will fucking insult other people. The better the ticket, the funnier I am, you know what I'm saying? If you buy me floor tickets for Boston, forget about it. I'll even go home and whack off on your wife's forehead. I don't give a fuck, Jack. You got a grandmother, she'll go down too. Is there a go fund me for this or where do we do this? I don't know go fund me.

Just see what are your details? If the Boston Garden got tickets, you know, I want to take the King of Boston, Lee Syatt, the Jewish Malibu. I would love to go. I looked. I was going to ask you like, do what you have to sit next to the janitor and he got to translate. Oh, the very top. The very top, 800.

That's why I'm putting it out there. If you know anybody at the Boston Garden, I'd love to go up there and see the Irish little fucking leprechaun. I haven't been up there in close to 20-something years. So it would be a homecoming. So if anybody got floor seats in Boston, hit me up, forget about it. We'll bring everything up there.

Mushrooms, metta and they do pills, happy pills. I'll bring fucking peptide. You can shoot it in your knees, whatever you need. You know what I'm saying? That's quite an offer. Yeah. You might be the first people to pass out on the side of the finals. Again, who's better than you?

Who cares who loses? Lee Syatt and Uncle Joey did it again. Oh, my God. Have you ever been to a finals game? No, I don't think so. That'd be fun. I never went to like a World Series or a Super Bowl or anything. That'd be fun.

You don't want to be fun. So with a finger up your ass while she's holding an umbrella over you. That's fun too. But, yeah. What do you want to do? tell you. To be honest, I don't know if the finger on the ass and the umbrella sounds as fun. That sounds kind of, why is she holding an umbrella?

Well, for the small five, she'll put the umbrella up your ass and a finger above your head. How's that? Bring the umbrella up your ass. That's called the fuck. I don't even know what they call it over here. Mary Poppins. That's what's called it. Mary Poppins.

They put up on umbrella up your ass. They spin it around. Whatever. If you want them to speak English, I don't know. Like not English, English. Like, you know, chep-chap. Tell you how old that shit. Oh, you want him to be like English, like British accents.

Not me. Do I look like I like British people? I'm just telling you that fucking, you know. Okay. You've heard about it. You've heard about the Mary Poppins. Yeah, I heard about it, you know, when I was a kid, I got things to you in Chinatown.

If you don't like the Benoit balls, they do that. What kind of umbrella is it? Is it like the long point in one or the one like pops open? It depends on your asshole. I mean, look at it. If it's you, I'm going to put a big umbrella in there. I mean, if I, if it's like somebody I know, I'll put like a little, you know, when you get a little Chinese drink, they give you that umbrella.

Why can't I get that one? Because you're a half of fruitcake. I don't fucking know, Lee. Why you always put me in these difficult situations where I got to be honest with you? I apologize. Jesus, now sitting on the guy's lap doesn't seem so bad. No, so what do you got this week for comedy? I want to hear this comedy shit.

I got three. All right. What do you got? On the 5th, I'm at the Buren and Davis Square at 10 p.m. on the 6th, I'm back in Westfield at the shortstop barn grill. It got moved from last week. Thursday night, 8 p.m. And then Saturday, I'm at McHugh's Comedy Club in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. at APM.

Look at you. You're on the way up. You know what I'm saying? It's not like I saw some guy here day. He's playing the fucking Polish American Legion. You know, he's following a parogi eating contest. And he wants you to pay 35 bucks for a ticket. Are you fucking crazy?

Oh, Jesus. You're doing those things. Then it's time to get on the ship or jump off the ship. Get on and then jump off. Get on, do your set and go, bomboy on. No. You ever see Amistat? When they threw the black people off the slaves and they were like,

Oh, them do that shit. By the way, I got to tell you what I did on Saturday, because you guys know I'm out of my mind. I met with a friend of mine. He's a friend of a friend, and he wanted to turn me on to some of his product, right? Okay. I'd like to drop some off on you, so I met him at Bagel Boy. You know me.

I'm a gentleman, 10 a.m. he gave me this fucking indica two indica he gave me four different brands but he goes these two are fucking you know I brought one home I put it outside for a second and the sun

just so the crystals could hit it it can metabolize a little bit I left it there for about two hours I waited to my wife left and I brought it in, grind it up and the grinder that retains the fucking the shake not the ship

that separates it. Oh, on the actual flour. Okay. Yeah, I fucking cleaned out the bong. I clean out the bong twice a day. But for this weed, I really wanted to clean it out to get the full essence with the freeze pipe. You know what I'm saying?

Nice. I had the little one cooking. So I come home. I fucking do that. I take about four fucking bong hits. And I'm not thinking about anything. You know, I got to go for a ride. I got to get something, like a smoothie or something.

something, you know. I'm pretty fucking high. I mean, I'm not real pretty high. I'm really fucking high. I haven't smoked, you know, I've been smoking the same family weed. So eventually, your tolerance to that weed, whether it's rhythm, whether it's grassroots, which I love both of them. But I always get those two. They're still in the same family. This is something completely differently. I got so fucking high. Wow. I went for a ride. And I look to see what was on Apple Music. I think I was putting in Judas Priest.

And I put it. I put in J.E. I couldn't see what my glasses. And the jerky boys came up. I was hysterical. I put the first album up. And I can't lie to you or anybody

else. First time I heard the Jerky Boys was 1993. I was working at a Chrysler Plymouth place. The place where I took the car from it blew up to convey a belt or whatever the fuck was on it. Okay. And what were you talking about?

The jerky boys. The first time. And I remember one of the managers had it on. And I remember going in and just dying and just playing it. Going to the fucking thing. I think I bought the CD maybe. Is that the way where you pick my dog? No, this is the one with the Japanese sushi chef,

Hunger. Then he calls another guy. guy that he's a model with a gay voice and he tells him that he's going to pull furniture out of his ass and it is fucking funny man oh yeah laugh at that shit when you're 18 again i'm 61 and i'm like 19 and co so guys i was me and my neighbor were outside listening to this from my car rolling he finally got in the car and sat with me and we giggled for another half file. I don't know.

I think there's 17 tracks. It was the 14 of them. But that was like cutting edge at that time. Like even guys like me at the age of 30 were like that is fun. This guy is fucking hysterical. I remember them

when like Napster and like LimeWire when you could download like pirated music for the first time. Like I found them on there. And like they were some of the funniest stuff I've ever heard. Like I, like that, you kick my dog with something like we would say like to each other in class. Like it was, and I don't know how old it was, but it was still fucking talked about.

You know, it's so hard. It's so weird how I loved so many things. But when I got into comedy, I got so consumed by comedy that they went away without me even realized. You know, the other thing that didn't go away was my fun guy told me. nail in the fucking my cocaine prop. Everything else, like, entertainment went away. Like, once I really got into stand-up, 95, like, that's when, like, I was like,

I think about that period in my life because you're almost going through that. You're almost there, like, at that time when you're really on the bus now. You know, you're about to get a call any day you're fired or the company went kaput or fucking Amazon bought them. hopefully they'll give you a little fucking severance package and then you're forced to do something

at that point what are you going to do get another job play the drums you're going to go fuck it I'm going to try my best they're giving me money anyway this is the chance to do this shit you know and it was just such a fun time for me because I wasn't thinking about anything late I wasn't thinking about a podcast I wasn't thinking about head shots

I wasn't thinking about an agent I was just thinking about getting funny and being a comic and I still remember that and I think that's why I like this shit just writing stupid jokes down getting on stage for me that's what I could do right now

I get offers every fucking day to do a room I just not interested I like doing 20, 25 minutes getting the fuck out of that I don't have the commitment in me to write a fucking hour for it to measure for me to do callbacks and shit, I got too much going on.

Right, and you're kind of like, not starting from scratch. Do you ever see the Adam Stanley movie, I think it was Billy Madison, like where he did each grade in a couple weeks? Yeah. That's how I met, like, I am seeing it. Like, you did a few open mics,

now you're doing 20s, and who, you might not go up and do an hour, but that's what it seems like, is that you're rebuilding each phase. My goal is every time I go to the start, I do a new 15 minutes. Or I pull a Janet Jackson. When I get there the first night, I keep three and a half minutes to get me going.

Okay. But I help you say something new to get the crowd. That's my goal right now. At the mothership. At the mothership. They don't see me do old material. Like really, really. Like I did something old when I was there last time, but I mixed it into something new.

Okay. You know? So it made the joke a little better. and made a little smoother. They loved it. That's awesome. And no, I'm just happy. It seems like it seems like you're happier.

Like you sounded, even though you were tired on Sunday, you sounded like you had a good time at the UFC. Guys, you know, and you know more of this than anybody. When we were going hard in 2018, we were going, Lee. I mean, Lee, you were working 10 hours a week, but you were working 90 hours a week. Your central nervous system, was going you're fucking you know and that was both of us Lee so I've always felt that you know

what Lee you were always chasing something I don't know what I was chasing at that time I was chasing a good time I was chasing not thinking about what was going on I didn't want to think about when this was going to end or how long just have a good time if it means fucking eating 2,000 milligrams a day You know, but at the same time, my anxiety was getting out of control. Because I had this running anger under me that no matter what I did, I'd always be a stand-up comic on the road. And at 55, 56, that's not a great future. I didn't want to do it.

I don't have tax problems. I don't need to do that. So, you know, it got old. but I was caught in a cycle. And now I look at it and I just want to be happy. I don't want to be angry around the girls. I don't want to have to do some. I don't know what's going to happen here.

They're at a fucking concert time in Philadelphia. I don't know what's going to happen here. You know, people reach out to me. Can you do my podcast? We'll zoom it. No. I can't, Lee. It's not a funny thing. can't. Monday's I do this with you because I know she's got softball. There's cheeseburger night.

Her and her girlfriends go with my wife to fucking Austria. I get him out of here for an hour, two hours. I can't kick her out of here at three o'clock when you want to do your fucking stupid podcast. Oh, that's true too. Yeah. She rings the doorbell. And, you know, most days I'm outside with her. Right? Like, I wait by the bus and we walk and talk and shit. But after that, I don't know who's coming over here. Really? They're just running around? From 315 To the time we settle for a practice Or this is a zoo over here

The neighbors knock on the door Are you guys going here? Did you hear about this? The kids knock on the door When she comes home She'll go, what's his name's parents And dropping off there in 10 minutes Are you going to be here, dad? No, I'm leaving you here by yourself Hey, I'm going to be here.

I got two little girls. in the living room doing homework, watching fucking anime on my TV. I got to go up there and watch them. I can't be down here doing your fucking podcast because you want to talk about nothing. You know what? One day when I'm in your town or something, I got time, I love to come to the studio and sit with you. I've done two podcasts lately. I did Theo's with him.

Right. And I do Rogans. Do you think I do that because I'm an idiot? No. Because that's what I could do. I don't have time to go into the city to do your 11 a.m. podcast. I don't have it. That's an hour and a half up.

By the time your co-host gets there and everything, that's two hours. And now I'm starving in a city that, you know, I got to get back. The Lincoln Tunnels hell, the Holland Tunnels hell. And then never mind those. I got to run into Hudson, fucking County. And Route 3. No, no, I don't get on until 4, 430. No.

No. Kind of like the rules you were talking about for yourself earlier. It sounds like the what? Like at the beginning you were talking about like having certain rules for yourself? I had to. I was offering my podcast up and in the middle of the podcast, I'd have to get up to let one of the neighbor's kids in. You know, this happened.

I had to cancel on Sickler. I'd be doing the Sickler podcast every week. if I was going to do a podcast, don't you think? Right. I haven't done it in two years. Why? Because we can never get the same timing. Thank God he's got a daughter and I got a daughter and we both understand each other.

One day when I go to LA, I'll do 10 chapters with him. We'll just keep smoking, dope, and talking and giggling. But for me to do a Zoom, it's not worth it. Right. Yeah. It's not worth it. And is it more fun? Like when you got to go and go there with them,

Is it more fun than doing it on the Zoom? You and I both know. I mean, we try our hardest with this to translate what we're feeling. We do edibles. But come on, anytime you got a live person, that means anything can happen. If you get dangerous in that room. And that's what I want to see when I watch a podcast. I want to see a guy get dangerous in there.

I want him to open up. I want him to smoke dope. I don't give a fuck if he's on a sitcom. I want you to be free. Right. The only way you could do that is in real person with people. If you're going to interview somebody or three guys that are doing an MMA show or show on ballet, I don't give a fuck.

I'd rather do it with somebody in the room. For me, you'd have to have the studio like we had in North Hollywood. Yeah. I'd have to be able to zip out after dinner at 6.30. And guess what? There'd be no fucking 1130 us in an office. talking about how we're going to fucking do it. You know, that would never happen.

I'd have to get back in the car and come home. Well, yeah. I don't know how many days a week are you with her after school? Every day. Come on, guy. Every fucking day I'm doing something. I'm getting involved. She even told me tonight.

She goes, Dad, thank you for the tickets. Thank you for going out of your way. You know, this is what we do. I'm not going to do that if comedy is your wife, dog. Okay. You want to do comedy? You want to be successful at it? Guess what?

As sad as I got to tell you this, you got to really commit to this. In fact, when you have a child, you feel a little unbalanced for a while. I heard Chris DiStefano cried on a podcast because he does FaceTime with his daughter. Yeah. It gets in. That's not what you signed up for. But when you join the mob, what happens? When you're single, you'll stab anybody in the neck.

But I'm single. I don't give a fuck, Jack. And all of a sudden you meet a girl and you have a baby, now they call you to go stab somebody. Now you've got to sit with your two kids, say prayers at the dinner table knowing. I got to go fucking stab Mori in the neck ten times and bury him, chop them up and bury him.

You know, it just doesn't. Some way your core gets, and I never thought I'd say this to anybody. And, you know, Joe has winded down. he's home every weekend there comes a point where you see that the kid they just for me

it was when Mercy was seven I could see she she'd get upset with you at that time she was upset with her classroom she was upset with the pandemic the kids in a class it wasn't what she expected she didn't like a teacher in the second grade

kindergarten first grade were fucking paradises so it's really weird how your life changes when you pick comedy as you know it's tough to be a fucking assassin on stage when I'm talking to her about some

girl band you don't think it informs like a different part like I know you said you don't want to really do jokes about having mercy but I'm just like playing devil's advocate you don't think like this I got 30% of people that'll come to my show that'll

giggle and like it's like me going up there and thanking the troops. Got it. They don't laugh because, you know, but they want to hear other shit. They want to hear something else. And right now, I'm not even writing that type of shit. Okay. It's not coming out of me that way.

You know, so it's kind of weird how you go in levels. And right now at this time in my life, I fucking love this right now. Like, I'm thinking about the summer. We just got involved. invited one on girls from the softball team invited down to Delaware for a week so I get to see brother for three fucking four days he lives half hour from where we're going this I've been dreaming of going down there to spend time with him you know he's my brother that lost his wife yeah Mike yeah I sat with him at Mersey's uh yeah go down there eat

eat good food, smoke dope, watch TV, break his balls. Gamble, take them back to where we were when we were growing up. That's what I'm doing. I got another week. We got like two softball tournaments. Nice. Next week, we got no baseball. It's like there's nothing, but I asked her to tell you.

I go, what are we going to sign Sunday? She just started spitting shit out. Already have a plan? Oh, yeah. There's a pool party of four. Then she's going somewhere else. she's got to sleep over Saturday. Sunday, she's got something at 11.30,

something else at 2. You know, this is, it's fucking Monday. It's Monday. I know Thursday now I got to do some. I got to wait from my wife because I got to find out what time the concert is on Thursday. It's got a concert Thursday morning because this is why she was going to go to a concert Wednesday night at the garden.

Oh, okay. It's recital. Thursday morning at school. I got to find out if she's going to be there fucking Thursday. I'm going to have to switch my Jiu-Jitsu day this week. Brace my heart, I like the Blue Belt class. Or the Blue Belt class tomorrow.

Is there a reason? I mean, do you really, I don't think most parents are as involved as you are. Like, is that, was that a choice? Yes, because the first time I had the opportunity, I thought that,

a man made money. That's what was a man. I didn't know that, you know, I thought that men just walked in, pet the kids' head, made their wife a kiss, ate dinner, and left. It wasn't like I was leaving to go to a strip club.

I was leaving to work. In those days, I used to leave at six and get home at six, and then shortly after that, I got a job at a comedy club at night. I was working a, full fucking day, you know. Then I got divorced, and I lost the marriage, and I lost everything.

And I went down that list, and now I get the second chance. So it's like somebody was asking me today to do something, I'm like, you know, that's not going to happen. It's not going to have to happen because I got too many things in the afternoon. Not big things, her things.

And they might be little, but they're big to me. Yeah. Me being here at 315 every day means the world to me. What about it? When kids come home at 315, I know, listen, I know what I did at 315. You know, and I started going home at 315 when I was in the sixth grade. She's going into the sixth grade next year.

What would you have done in 315? I go home, throw my books down, fucking get something to eat. I do my homework in those days, you know, but if I was curious about something, I would go look at places why I shouldn't look. Oh, yeah. All over the house, like to look for money or what were you doing? I was torturing my stepdad looking for high joints in the house because I hadn't been there. I would only live there on the weekends and in the summers.

So I really had to take a look and assessment. You know, at that time, I built a phony garage. I took the sliding doors and I take them off the hook and I lay them on two chairs and I fucking lip bench press like an idiot. And then I would have to set it up before my mom got on because they didn't know I was lifting weights. Oh, you put it back on the closet or whatever, yeah. Put it right back up, put the chairs away, how they were when she left. you know so I'd come home and do things that and then yeah in the sixth grade I started bringing a girl home

and I knew that they would come home at 530s so I would kick the girl out I would walk home at 445 her mom would get home at 5 yeah everyone and I don't think you're worried about that specifically with mercy but it's like good that you're there but I also remember something else from my childhood guys and I'll tell you what it is there was a lady on my blog The kid's name was Janine. She had a sister Grace, I think. Very cute girls. But the mother was a chunky Italian chick.

I forget her name. God bless her. If she's dead or she's alive. Let me tell you what I learned from her. Yes. That when her two girls came home, with the neighbor and me and Dominic and Valentin, she always had cookies for us two days a week.

And I always remember I would go, I wish my mom did that. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Like step outside with cookies twice a week. Fresh made, she would make chocolate chip cookies and bring a cup of milk for you. That's when I got in trouble when I was a kid, when I took one of her cookies. And she asked me how it was, and I go pretty good. My mom called me over and smack me and said, go back and tell it was the best fucking cookie you ever had.

because she worked hard all afternoon making that cookie, you sack of shit. My mother snacked me because I took one of her cookies. That was pretty good. I always remembered that feeling that that mom gave me. And then, as I got older, Anthony Bousano's mom would make fucking cream puffs. Oh.

That's really nice. Dog, given that terrorist, you made it right. You were there, and Carmine's house was 80 yards away. So I would take the right And I'd be 10 steps up to hill And Anthony would run back and go Coco, Coco, come back My mom made cream puffs

She would wait in front of the house With a tray of cream puffs And I'd run down the corner And I'd just sit there He'd go in, get me fucking Chocolate milk And I'd sit on his fucking stoop With six of the other neighborhood kids

Eat her fucking cream fucks And I felt great. How many parents, like on your block, are there, like, is there usually a parent home? On my block? Yeah. The Russians, very nice people, their daughters are very sweet. The husband's great. We get two kids that get off the block and, you know, middle school where my daughter's at, whatever the fuck they call it.

Right. And there's another bus that comes after that. And those kids just get out there and walk. Now, I don't mind the walk. That's not what I said. I said being home when they walked through the door. How was your day? Let me look at you.

Make sure you didn't get beat up at school. Your shirt ain't ripped. You don't have a tattoo of fucking Hitler on your forehead. You got to check your kids out. Don't come to me and go, I never saw it coming. He shot 12 kids at the school. Well, he shaved his head.

I didn't notice that because you're too busy. Talking about yoga. And Trump and whatever the fuck else is going to happen. You know what I'm saying? I love it, dude. So I love coming down and seeing all of you guys. Yeah, and you see how I do it now. I mean, I don't need the aggravation.

Listen, I just don't. Before I get to your podcast studio and you tell me a story and then the co-host got stuck in traffic and that's another hour out of my day, let's just stay friends. And someday when I, because I'm planning on just staying in the city for like three days. Oh, okay, yeah. I'm listening to get a hotel in Soho.

They always send me discounts and shit. Take three days there. Eat breakfast, walk around, do people's podcast, catch up. I want to do that, but I'm not commuting every day. That's not going to happen. No, you had most do it once. That's three hours. For a two-hour investment, I'm not pushing dates.

They're going to ask me about prison. They're going to ask me about Joe Rogan. You know, we already discussed all this shit. Go to a podcast 109. Well, anyway, my brother, have a great week. Love you, buddy. I love you. Stay black, and I'll see you.

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