The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - None of that billy goat stuff

Episode Date: October 8, 2024

This week on The Check In Lee Syatt tells Joey Diaz about the woman who fell out of her chair at his show, Joey keeps it real with nurses, and crying after bad sets. Support the show and try BlueChew for free. Use promo code DIAZ at https://www.bluechew.com Support the show and download the DraftKings app with code JOEY. New customers get $200 in bonus bets when they bet $5!  Support the show and get 10% off your Freeze Pipe order with code DIAZ at https://www.thefreezepipe.com

Jesus Christ, Almighty. What the fuck is that? What's what? Nothing. I'm back, Jack. For a minute I went into like a fucking, you know. Did you? Yeah, it was good.

How many, how many handfuls did you eat tonight? No handfuls. No handfuls. Nothing, okay. Even in the break for like two weeks now of off the shrooms. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. I'm waiting for you to get back, baby.

I'm here right now. All right. You don't want me to show up tonight to the fourth floor of what I got. Because you won't make it out to the end of Russia, Shanniski. Can you imagine going, like, I know you've probably never been to temple, but going to temple on mushrooms seems like a nightmare. What can you imagine? Just go down there.

Go down there. What do you say? I lock it up, whatever the fuck you say, happy New Year. Machoanato. Yeah, nothing. Ashemantava. You sit there, you fucking... One of the best times I have is when I go to church, don't.

I've never taken edibles because I never had the time to warm up. Church is something that pops into my mind. I got a church today. What do you mean? Warm up. Edibles are like three bites? What do you mean? Not even.

You usually eat it just like a pill. You need like an hour of warm up. Oh, okay. I usually get up. Sundays at 7 a.m. Who's going to get up at 6 and pop an edible? You've done it? Great.

On a Sunday, that ruins your whole day. I got shit to do. People are respond to. I got to answer to people. But I'd do like four fucking five boncats. By the time I get to church, you walk in that. You're nice and settled. You don't even focus on what he's saying.

It would be sad because I'd focus on the 12 stations of the cross. and I get caught up and feel sentimental. But like, because even a Catholic, like the biggest problem I would have at Temple is like they make you stand up. But like a Catholic mass, they make you kneel.

Like I can't imagine kneeling on. Like a fucking walk or in your pocket give the guy finality. It's a fucking little workout. I'm going to invent that. The church workout. Up down. Five.

Shake this guy's hand. Up down. Do the piss? you off because it pisses me off at temple. Nah, you know, listen, I'm used to it. I've been doing it since I was, you know, up down, up down, you know. It's a

fucking nightmare. But you know what, man, it was, I still enjoy it. I don't want to do it every week. I don't want to volunteer. I don't want to pass the basket around. I just want to go down there, sit in church, think about my life, look around the 12

stations of the cross, and get the fuck out of there. Like, I'm not big on hanging. And the church today has changed. Like, especially in my area here, it's Gentile Catholic Church. There's really no feeling. God forbid there's not a fucking priest from another country,

a third world nation that you can't understand that way. I'm sitting there fucking, what's he saying? I'll go about it. Isn't he speak Latin anyways? No. They speak, you know, English or whatever. But you got these guys from like, they get them right off the fucking boat

and now I got to, you know, I got to be that guinea pig to how to learn English and shit. I'm sitting there in the back like fucking, you know. And then it's just not, I don't know, God to be, you don't have a gay singer in the church.

Yeah. You know, God forbid you don't have, it's like diversely hit the church, you know? Oh, it bums me out about Temple. Yeah, I just want a regular. They play guitar. I don't like it. Yeah, the guitar, that's too early for me.

I want to hear your car, Led Zeppelin. All right, Tico, here. Take $10 and go to get a bagel. I don't want to hear the fucking guitar at 8 in the morning. I don't really want to hear no singing. I don't mind the little hymns they sing, you know. In between, you're not going to come at me with a full-force fucking band the night in the morning and make me get up.

Because the first time I hear the tambourine, I'm done. I'm done. There's two things I'm always done. If I see a tambourine or if I see a flute, I'm done. Like when I went to see Jack Rose Powell and like 1980, once the flu came out, me and my friends are like,

they don't need the city of no more. You know what I'm saying? You just left? Yeah, I always used to leave. I still leave. You know me. Have you ever left church? Like, have you ever like a walk down of service?

No, but I'll tell you the worst thing. ever did. Because I never mentioned this in church. I never mentioned this on the church when my daughter, not mercy, when my oldest daughter got baptized. You know, we knew that my in-laws knew the church well and they knew the priest well. And the priest was a cool motherfucker. Like he just knew that I was out of my mind. And he worked with it. He was very nice. He'd work with it.

And see, so this had to be 1990. Okay. So this is 34 years. Now, you know I'm fucking crazy now. Can you imagine 1990, fresh out of jail? People think a kid's going to. changed me in a marriage and I'm still fucking rough around the edges. And I'll never forget. The woman I married, her brother was just as out there as I was. He wasn't a criminal. He was a

smart guy, but he went to work and that's the only thing he did right, you know, and we got along. We hit it all. This is a guy who had a bong in his car and who always bought weed by a quarter pound. So I was a fan of that motherfucker right off the bat. And we went to church. We're getting ready to baptize my daughter. Everybody's fucking there. And he goes, hey, man, I got to join us some fucking heavy-duty weed. And I'm like, are you fucking serious?

And he goes, yeah. He goes, come on, follow me. I know this church. Because I knew it, but not as well as he did. And we went downstairs in like a lobby and just sparked up a fucking joint. Me and him right downstairs, no ventilation, no nothing. We walked back upstairs. I was happy for like two minutes,

then I felt like a fucking idiot. First of all, I got really fucking high. And then after we were hanging out, everybody was saying it smells like weed. And the steam that was coming out of my wife's ears, you couldn't even fucking... It was just too much. It was just too fucking much.

That's the worst thing I've ever done. Like, as far as I'm concerned, kidnapping, mugging somebody. That's nothing in my world compared to smoking in the church. And I still think about it. And I'm still like, what the fuck was I thinking? What the fuck was? Did you like ask for forgiveness for it?

I asked forgiveness for everything. You know, that was one of the many things I asked for. That's a cool part about Keith. Like that you can just ask for forgiveness. And if you, like, you know, work on it, you're forgiven. That's pretty cool. Yeah, but it just don't work like that. It just don't work like, you know what?

I'm going to forgive my, I'm going to, God's going to forgive me. I'm going to go out and hit somebody else in the head. Honest to God? What it means is that you have to forgive yourself. If you look into those words, you have to forgive yourself first. And once you forgive yourself, then it's kind of easy for anybody else to forgive you. But I held myself, you know, I always punish myself. Really?

Like, yeah, you have to have person. personal punishment. You're not going to have that anymore. You know, like my, my Boulder thing. Like, I'm really ashamed

about I acted in Colorado. And I go to Denver and I do the shows and shit, but I won't trickle a Boulder or any of those places just because I'm kind of ashamed, you know? I get that,

but it was so long ago, you don't feel like you've made amends for it? Yes, and no. I could have done that in any place in the world, except in God's country. I don't.

did it right there in God's country. And it was God's country. It was like putting a professional in a fucking high school basketball game. Right. You know, like, but you know what? I've learned to live with it. I've forgiven myself to the extreme,

to the extent that I could. Now I hope that someday Boulder forgives me, you know what I'm saying? I think that was for you. Are you happy to be back in? I know you did. Connecticut was. Connecticut was great.

I had a fun, like I've never had like a, it wasn't even a heckle. It was just like this older lady was just drunk and was like talking to me. But I like, and I told you on the phone, like I was just like,

I don't know, proud of myself is the right word or just like, I was happy with like how I handled it because in the past I would have like either crumbled or like just tried to power through it and still do the jokes and that wouldn't have worked. And she got so drunk dude.

And I was, and asking about this, she fell out of her chair. Like, I've never had to, she crashed out of her chair and was still talking shit from the floor. It was one of the funniest things that I've ever experienced. Because I've never, like, she was talking, I'm okay. And she was, like, dude, that show was wild. That show, while she was talking shit, there was like a 65, 70 year old couple in the back.

And I wanted to ask you about this, just like basically having sex. They were like making out and he was sitting behind her. If they weren't making out, he was giving her a massage. Like, I've never seen that in a comedy show before. And it was like a 70-year-old couple. You know, man, that's funny you say that. Because this morning I went on Facebook. I posted, like, some shit in a video.

And I know, like, you know, you don't look at stuff that has nothing to do with you, really. But for weeks, like, for two weeks, I haven't seen these old women with bikinis on. I'm like, what the fuck is this shit? They're not old women. They're like 50, but they look. Good. You know, they look, you know, 55, maybe 60. And today, for the first time, I go, what the fuck is this?

And it was like, why is a girl in a bikini telling me I got to read books? That's what she was, like that whole Facebook posted about reading fucking books. You should read two books a week. I'm like, are you fucking crazy lady? You're 60 years old. Why are you in a bikini? That's, I don't know, I had nothing to do with your story. Number two, the oddest thing I heard the last couple of years during the pandemic was that venereal diseases were up in old folks homes.

Yeah. Dude, have you heard about the villages, I think it's called? They were, fuck it. No, I got to be in. No. Oh, dude, and Joe, if you can find in something quickly to pull it up, there's a place called the villages in Florida. It's a retirement community. and it has like, I don't know if it's like the most,

but they're well known for having like a huge amount of STDs and they have something because they drive around in golf carts is that they have different color lufas for what kind of like sex stuff they want to do. It's like the STD capital of America, and this is an old folks home. They like, it's well known that that's all there. They go there to fuck.

Like they go there. And Joe, I don't know if you can scroll down if they have anything about the, uh, about the Lufas, but the Lufus is one of the funniest things I've ever, it's like, it just,

they break it down by color. Like you're single, you want people to watch, you want people to, it's, I don't know, they might not have it on this one, but it's just,

it's, I've heard that for a while that old folks, homers are crazy. I'll tell you, you know, I'm one of those guys since I'm a kid,

like, I have a brother and him and I have been saying the same thing. I'm saying, we've been saying, the same thing since we were fucking 10 years old. Look at the shit.

You know, Leufe a coat at Florida. Can you scroll and see what it is? Yeah. Guarantee those people doing drugs. Oh, yeah. Oh, there we go. Can you zoom in further, Joe? Because it just has all the colors right there. Yeah, I couldn't give me one. I'll find it.

But, yeah, so what was you and your brother been saying? When we were kids, every time like a lady walked by, like a week, looking ass. We'd always go, can you imagine what her ass smells like? I mean, we've been saying this to each other. I just saw him in Delaware, 60 years old. We still saw some lady with sandals on and a weird looking ass. And he looked at me out of corners of eyes. He's like, can you imagine what her ass smells like? You know, and then you see, like, you ever go to a, I don't want to talk about this negatively, but if you look at your parents, you look at your parents, say your dad's mild-mannered, your mom's got the fucking,

house dress on with a hair up and curl is. She ain't looking for no dick. And he ain't looking for no ass. You know what I'm saying? He's home at 501. He's on the chair. He don't really listen to your mom. He passes out at seven after dinner.

But you look at them from time to time. And you're like, do you think mom and dad is still? You're like, nah. Thankfully, my parents aren't together. But I had thought about that. But it's creepy to think about it. It's the worst. But when I was a kid, I'd go to people's houses to eat dinner.

I look at the parents. I don't always play a game my head. Do you think he's still fucking? And I'm like, I don't know. I just don't know. Did you ever tell your friends you were thinking about that? They must have hated that game. No, no, I never told anybody about that game.

Do you think he's fucking? It's like when you see, you know, listen, love is weird. But number one, you told me about it on the phone. And you didn't say that they were basically having like light sex. You were saying they were making out. I'm 61 years old. I got a chip tooth. I got, you know,

I don't want to make out with nobody at this age. No. Like, I'll make out with my time and I don't even want to do that no more. Like, I'm past that fucking stage. Now we're just getting the fucking. You want to make out, I don't know. Like, you know, it's just so, it's so weird. You know, I'm making out with some 70-year-old lady

and she loses a tooth. I'm done. I spit it out and I'm going home. I'm not even. dropping her off. I don't care how she got her off from Florida at that fucking Wonderland fucking condom factory down there where they get crabs and shit. You know, but now I'm 61

and I can be honest by the here. I get sexual, you know, I can't horned up like everybody else. You know what I'm saying? Do I on top for outside monkey? No, because I know I can't do nothing with it. There's nothing I'm going to do. It's just going to be an embarrassment situation for me. Embarrassing.

what happened like like it just it's not going to work the same I need to get a heart attack you know is that what you're worried about

I'm worried about a lot of things you know just 10,000 things first of all I'm married but what if

I'd have a heart I wouldn't even know where to start I wouldn't even know what to talk to them about listen man ever since I stopped doing drugs

I've lost that angle of my life. At that angle, disappeared. Like that, you know, getting in the mood and fucking banging one out

in the bathroom. Those days are long gone. I'm going on 17 years. I haven't been fucking, you know, the blow makes you crazy, you know, and it just,

but now it's like, if I do it, it's okay. It ain't like, you know, how it used to be when I was crazy and I had big eyes

and my dick was hard and I'd be walking around around with a bottle of whiskey. Yeah. You know, does do it. I would love to see you say that to a woman, yeah. Obviously, I'm not talking about your wife, but like, do your fantasies change when you get older, do you think?

I have no fantasies. Nothing? Because you have a fan of things that you can do. They ain't much more I can do no more. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, you have a fantasy. Like, I'm going to score 70 points in the game. I'm going to, you know, work 52 weeks in a year.

But, you know, you got it. I know I don't got it. Like, you know, you have to come to terms with yourself. Unless I shoot a bunch of Viagra, you know, unless I take some blue shoe, like have it on me all day long, look at pornographic materials, put a feather in my pants or like a rock in my shoe. That makes formed up, the Chinese put a rock in their shoe or whatever they do. I don't know.

I don't know. But that ship sailed of those days like that. I don't, you know, sometimes I watch like a movie. and they have like a sexy and I get embarrassed now. Oh, I get embarrassed. I get embarrassed. Embarrassed.

And then it's also like, it's crazy. Like, I know you never really did online dating, which I think would be hysterical to see you try to online date. But it's like they're like, people like they get sexual very quickly now. Like they like,

like people, women tell me that like guys will just send them messages that are like, oh, what I would do to your tits. Like all like, all they're like they just open up with craziness. And I have, don't have any idea how they would do that.

When I was young, crazy, and on the road, yeah, you got to tell somebody, you got to sell, you know, you're trying to sell your game, Jack. You're not going to sell it by telling them, I went to Harvard and I have a boat. Everybody went to Harvard and got a boat, bitch. You got to tell them, listen, I got a 10-foot dick

and I can choke myself with it. And I guess it'll work with somebody. I don't get that many men. You need to walk away, right? Like, if a girl, walked up to you and said, I get orgasm, and it comes out of my ears. You either have another drink and go, let's get out of here,

or you go, you have another drink. You pick up your drink and you move 10 down. At least you know where you stand. Yeah. And that's the hardest part is knowing where you stand in any of this shit. But it's... One of my dear friends growing up, and I'm talking about early on, 17, 18, 19, 19, 20,

21. Good looking dude. Just wouldn't say much. I mean, women would crawl to him and he wouldn't, you know, his conversations would be awkward. But when he did meet some, I remember being down the shore. One time, like on the beach and him picking up a girl and taking him under the fucking boardwalk

and whatever the fuck they did. And he came back and I go, what, what is he doing? How does he do this? Do does he sing him a love letter? That's one of the scariest things. I've never hit on a woman in the wild. Like I've never. Beach.

Look, this guy was a professional like this. But I noticed he only hit on women when he was drinking. Yeah. Because he was loose. And when he did Coke, forget it. And he mixed those two, he would be on fire. But he'd take it to the next level. He'd go up to women and go, what are you doing with this fuck guy?

I got and they take out a Coke rock Oh you're your cuck your pussy out with a Coke rock And at first I looked at it and I was like that It's just crazy Then I tried it Jesus Christ And then it works Like did you get more confidence with Coke and drinking?

Yeah And that's what I'm trying to say When I was snorting coke and drinking My sexual game was You know and this is listen I've been with my wife for 24 years So, yeah, 15, our 15th wedding anniversary. And we'll be together 24 years and 25 years in July.

That's awesome, 25 years. So it is what it is. But you learn about yourself as you get older. And, you know, it's really weird that I thought by now I'd have complete ED. And I'd have to get like an Indian guy with a flute to play. And somebody to light my heels on fire to get a hard. I have to eat like fish. No, it's amazing sometimes.

I wake up in the middle of the night I got a baseball bat. I'm like Aaron Judge. I got to pee out of that motherfucker. I got to hang on the sink a few times. But I'm like, look, there ain't nobody around. What good is it? There just ain't nobody around when you got the Aaron Judge bat.

Let's get this party started, Doug. Greetings from Podcastville. It's Tuesday, the 8th of October. The checking is brought to you by, my favorite, Blue Chew. Listen, fall is here. Flowers in the air. You're about to be spending a lot more time indoors. You better make sure that little Taminkia is working. Blue Chew is here to make sure that you have a great time. Blue Chew sends ED medication right to your door. Nobody knows nothing. Blue Chew has the same active ingredients is Viagra,

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run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you've got to be thinking. Welcome back to Chey! Oh shit.

10-8-24. Nice combination. All twos. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with Joey Bananas? I live for these types. I'm hitting the jackpot today, Jack. 10-day, 24. What about 10-10? Is that better? 10-24, 25, 24. Yeah, I shot

one of the worst pieces of work I ever put out there was 10-2010. Oh, no. You remember that or you weren't around for that? No. No, that was right before I met you. I was pretty much out of comedy. Okay. I was just doing it skipping, you know, skipping jive type comedy. And I do a podcast and I talk about mugging a hooker. And the next thing I know, fucking all hell breaks loose.

People coming to see me. And after about a month, he's like, listen, let's put something together. Let's do 10, 10, 10. That's a good date. So we did it at... Sal's, I think. Who? Salve, when it was a Braia. and I'll never forget how bad I felt after that show.

Like, I was a really bad stand-up at that time. Not as bad as now, but just something was not working. And I started rocking and rolling, but I really wasn't prepared. And I told you, I went to Columbus, I had a bag of dicks. I didn't go back for like 16 months, and that scared the shit out of me. I always thought it was because I bombed. They closed it down to fix it or something like that. Oh, okay.

But, yeah, I did a horrible job that night. Like, just, I think when your wife says something to you, you're not true. No, we spoke about it that night, and she's like, you weren't, you weren't comedy store, she said to me. And I'm like, you're right. And there's nothing I could do. I didn't go back to the store until maybe four years later. Oh, yeah. No, and it's, it kind of reminded me, like, what happened this weekend.

Like, you know, maybe, I don't know what was going on in September or August of that year, but maybe do you think you weren't working as hard at it? You said you were almost out of comedy. I don't know what I was doing, Lee. Who the fuck knows what I was. I was clean. I was living in the valley. I was living on the street of death where I met Gray.

And I just wasn't getting on stage like I was. I was used to getting on stage 30 times a month. Nine times six at the ha-ha and a week in the month with Joe. So my game wasn't really tight, you know. And I remember feeling bad about it and hitting a notebook and, you know, trying to really learn how to help. And then I started going to the Irvine Improd. Right.

That's why I got to learn how to headline. And not at the store because you're doing 15-minute sets. Right. You know, you go to the store. this was the bad thing about the store consumer that you might go to the store and see that dude's best 15 minutes then when he comes to your hometown he shows up with an hour in the last 50 the last hour the last 30 minutes you want to put a bullet in your head you're like why saw him at the store because they're only doing 15 minutes the store is great for a lot of things but it's not great for longevity I don't know what you're doing is perfect I'm sorry

I froze a little second I don't think people understand like going from like 15 or 20 to 45 an hour is a big jump so to only do 15 at the store it's a big jump when you look at it and it's a big jump when you're watching it but it's so weird how comics will add five minutes of junk to have that time

and it's so hurtful for you. I'd rather you say you're a feature and stretch. Right. You know, they always want you to do 20 as a feature now. When I was a feature, they wanted you to do 30. So I would just do 35, 37. You know, the headline that was going to do two hours. You don't give a fuck about my extra front run the light by 10. I'd ask them.

Do you mind if I do an extra five? I'm trying something out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm back here, you're fucking, you know, in Miami. They don't give a fuck what you do. their back to looking at girls. You know, some places, they're small. You're in the green room. You're dying to get on stage. I understand. So that was the differences.

And that's what a lot of people don't understand that they really don't know. When you go to the comedy store, you see somebody's best 18 minutes. And you can do 18 minutes and you can start with another 20 and another 20. For me, it worked better when I was stretching. When somebody hires,

you in a bar and you take $100 less and go, can I do an hour? And you just battle through it. It doesn't matter. Those people are drunk. They're not going to like the other and not going to remember you won't wear the other. And there's like if you're in a bar show, you know what I'm saying?

But there's clubs that you could, you know, the ice house. I never went up there material. That is mind-blowing to me. You were there with me. I know. Those little satinite things that have three, things on a piece of paper and we'd do an hour because I was used to it. If I do that now,

oh, you're going to throw tomatoes at me after 20. Well, you'll, but you would definitely, you'd figure it out. But I was thinking about, because you said something on the phone that, like, kind of like, you said, like, I bet you're going to do like 20 weeks this year. And I went and looked. I went back on my calendar. If I don't add anything and I have a couple weeks available, if I don't add anything, I'm going to do 32 weeks, like, on the road, like, not even, like, local, shows like 32 and I was like wow that's fucking cool like that's more than I want

my goal was to hit 20 this year I didn't very impressive oh I'm so happy that's how you and well people don't people you know well you don't work in improv bitch I'm working Harry's bar and grill they give me four shows they give me a cheeseburger before every show there's no judgment

I could try a new fucking 15 minutes a night there's no agents there you know though this is what I told you. I hit on the triple runs. I hit on the fucking Michigan runs. I hit on the Oklahoma, the Wyoming runs. I hid

I fucking hit perfectly, you know, I hid perfect, purposely. Yeah. What's that? It was perfect. It was a good idea. It's perfect.

The problem is people have the patience. Now, you, you started in Boston. That's a bigger market. I started in Denver. You started in Boston. That's a way for... My market was different.

Like, I... Every once in a while, Wyoming comes to my mind. Like, I did fucking comedy on Wyoming in a fucking barn. And there'd be 400 people there. Yeah, my favorites. Right. With hay on the side and chairs and they were selling beers and they do... They would raffle shit for the church.

This is a community council. show. And I go up there and be a little raunchy from time to time. And they took the ride with me. I wasn't fucking I wasn't looking to be Robin Williams. I was just looking to do time. And a place wouldn't fucking come back to haunt me.

Yeah. And even more like they wouldn't come back to haunt you. I mean, yeah, if you bomb for an hour, they're not going to be happy about it. But like those shows in Barnes or like in the middle of nowhere, they're just so happy to be there. Like I love those shows.

I remember doing a show towards the Canadian border in Wisconsin. I got to tell you something, the half hour, the last half hour before the gig, like we were supposed to be there at 8. And it must have been about 5.30. And we ate something that said, you know, just in those days, there wasn't no miles to the next, to your gig, there wasn't no waves, you know.

And I'll never forget, like, miscalculating. and the last and I'm not like Lee the last 45 minutes before this town there was nothing in fact there was nothing that there was fake deer

they put like plastic deer up to make it look like there was a civilization out there there was nothing late when we got to the hotel it was like a fucking party in that town you thought you went to Studio 54 they thought we were celebrity What movies have you been in none?

No, no, no, no. We saw you in a movie. Like, oh, fuck. You know. But I don't know. I enjoyed those as much as I enjoyed doing spots at the store. And I still think about those sets. Oh, yeah.

I still think about those sets from the feeling. Because you weren't playing for money. You were playing to be funny. Mm-hmm. Two big differences. When you're playing for money and when you're playing to be funny, it's two big differences. so it's kind of fun

because you don't give a fuck you're just looking for to go to a show to see some woman fall out of a chair and fucking puke and then the couple in the back to swap and spit I'm you know I still can't get over they were fucking

he was he was as creepy as can be giving her a massage oh give me and I dude I'm not a comic like I almost never like call anybody out like I've made that mistake a couple of times like if someone was asleep and people don't usually find it funny

I didn't call him out, but then he, like, he just, he didn't heckle, but he talked right after the woman fell out of the chair. Like, they were going crazy. And he asked me a question, just like, asked me like a question about one of my jokes. And I was like, you know what? Fuck it. And I was like, I wasn't going to bring this up, but you guys have basically been fucking the whole show. And like the crowd went nuts. And then he, I thought I was worried he was going to be upset.

He said, he said, you should see what's happening underneath the table. And like, they, dude, they were going nuts. They were, it was so. And that show, both shows Friday and Saturday, a lot of people came out Saturday, which was awesome. But, like, that show was like as crazy as it was. Like, I did 15 minutes on nothing just on what was happening in front of me. And just, like, it was, there was so much energy. And I'm not encouraging people to heckle at all.

It doesn't help the show at all. But in those, like, when I'm in the side room of a restaurant, like, it's just it's not going to be the irvine improv no it's not and you have to go up there thinking like that it's like when i go to the girl's softball games and they got a ref with a missing foot and the other guys you know got his hat on sideways and he's blowing a whistle one of those things that you blow with the spin the the fan going around they get mad because because he missed the call my guys look at these guys you know these aren't major league gumpi is he right which is he we just here good fucking time.

You know what I'm saying? Kids don't get hurt would just have a good time, you know? They're making 20 bucks a game. I can tell Friday night all together now. How long have you been doing comedy?

Eight years? It'll be seven in November. Okay. Starting now, you're going to get breakthroughs. And anybody who's doing comedy in the fit, six, seventh year, you know, maybe your advances lead,

maybe you're not as far along as Lee, maybe whatever. Remember one thing. You're going to have good nights and bad nights. But I've said this once, and I'll say this again. Every 60 to 90 days, you're going to notice such an improvement of yourself on stage. Oh, yeah. You're going to notice such an improvement of yourself on stage. Something's going to happen, and you're going to handle it correctly.

and that, my friend, and I can tell you right now, because you're going to answer me, you could eat 20 mushrooms and not have the feeling you get when you get offstage and you've realized, as a comedian, that you've gotten to the next level.

For me, it was, got to say, guys, it was, maybe November of 98. Let's just go with November of 98. I did a show in the belly room. And, guys, And Lee, you've heard all my junkie stories.

Right. I had coke in my pocket when I went in that stage that night in the belly room. Not only do I blow myself out of the water, but what I did that night, I also realized I did like an hour 35. And it was like 10 minutes I had done before. The rest was just from my heart and whatever. And I'll never forget that night giving that Coke away. because I couldn't get over what I had done on stage. Oh, yeah.

And I would imagine drugs and gambling might be similar, but like doing well in stand-up is like winning, is better than winning and gambling, but like bombing in stand-up is worse than losing and gambling, at least for me. Like, they're very similar to me. But after 10 years, you realize that every bomb made you better. And remember, one of those bombs would have taken somebody down.

Oh, yeah. They don't call them moms because they're a good feeling. Right. But after a while, you just get used to them. You just start getting used to them and used to them and used to them. And one day something else happens. And man, that's why I tell people don't quit until the miracle happens. Don't give up on a miracle.

Right. Oh, no. We all have a chance to hit a miracle, right? I mean, it's just any day. We can bump into anything. But we're not involved. We'll never get that miracle. That's what people never really fucking understand.

Everybody wants to sit at home and make videos and think that, you know, fucking the bluebird's going to knock on that door with a fucking check. Don't work that way. No. Those bombings or those bombings, they pay you a lot of money for those bombings later on in your career. When you stick with it. Okay.

You know, when you stick. You're right? No, I'm sorry. I thought you were continuing. I'm sorry. Are you light on the edibles again tonight? No, I'm not light on the edibles. But I, um,

listen, I got the, I don't even, these mushrooms, these African mushrooms are so strong but I even on the premises. I got these in a safe at my buddy's house because you have to keep in a certain temperature,

like crowd therapy, to keep the fucking enzymes awake or whatever the fuck it is in there. So you better drink a lot of water cock liquor, because it's coming for you, you know what I'm saying? I'm working on it. But, like, that was, like, you said, like, the feeling you get, like, when, like, you do well. Because I had been, like, I've been doing okay.

I've been doing pretty well this year. But the feeling when you get offstage and you know you could have handled the situation differently, it's like a bummer. It's like, it really, it really will bum me up. But, like, getting offstage and being like, oh, I handled that the way I was supposed to. Like, that's a new feeling. Well, yeah. And Lee. Listen, man, you and I both know.

The worst feeling, there's two worst feelings, is bombing and trying to realize what you did wrong and shitting the bed in an audition and trying to realize what you did wrong. And they're like, thank you for coming. You don't want me to read again? No, no, no, it's okay. That was great. Thank you, Mr. Diaz for coming. You're like, they might call me back. And also you don't hear from them forever.

Never. Never, but forever. but you think about how do how did I break it down and those are the things that build strength it's like if I scrape your elbow against a wall eventually every night the scab's going to break and get tougher and tougher and tougher and after six years of me banging your head off a wall you won't have that fucking scab no more you won't breathe you won't bleed no more you see what I don't think I'll do a lot of things after six years of getting my head banging against the wall Well, whatever.

You get what I'm trying to say to you. Yeah, of course. Sometimes bombing is... And listen, it's the truth. Bombing is so much way better than eating up, than doing fantastic all the time. I took an immeasurable amount of bombs.

I was like, I was like fucking Lebanon. I was taking bombs. I was taking bombs just for, fucking Christ's sake. Some weeks I was just taking bombs for Christ's sakes dog. And I would sit there and go, like I told you how many times I cried.

Dog, I don't cry about anything. I would cry about bombing. And cry, not really about bombing. But now this is my last fucking hope in this world. Like I would sit there at night with that stupid newspaper open, the comedy,

JFL, whatever was called on San Francisco. And I would write the clubs I want to, and then I would start ripping the page, like a child. You would see Denzel Washington, man on fire when he got really drunk at night, and he was playing with the gun and all that, and he would talk to himself. That was me. When I saw that, in a drug addict type of way, that was me at night. Because I knew this was my only fucking hope out of that fucking dingy apartment.

It was my life. That's how I looked at it. That's how I looked at it. And after 95, I had a little bit more confidence. So I'm like, I could do this. But my goals weren't to, you know, meet Joe Rogan. My goals were to just stay on the road and live like the catcher from Major League. Yeah, that's the dream. Like that was the dream. I didn't care about movies or TV. I just want to live in a hotel, eat, meet women, play the ukulele. at night with sandals on, snort Coke, and die on the road.

I had nothing going on. I had nothing on. You look at your mentality then. Now I look at, oh, all those things I just said to you, I'm like, you know, fucking playing the banjo and hanging out with women and drinking tequila. I look at all that stuff. Like, that stuff will kill me first. But back then, when you're 30. That's exactly what you're looking for.

Yeah. the fuck. And then eventually you meet somebody and they turn you onto this and you get turned on to this. Next thing you know, you're competing the Seattle comedy competition. And you know, what the fuck am I

doing? I was just at a bar two weeks ago cracking jokes and I came in third tonight. Okay. It's the best part about it. It's like one of the few things. And there are people like I'm one of them who have benefit from like

things to get shows they shouldn't they might not necessarily get but like on a talent level every comic starts it out at the same place like it's very even very even very even and there's people that dog there's sleepers so many sleeper selves you're going to go to a town one time with josh wolf and you're going to headline wednesday night okay Some clubs are going to call you one of these days and go, hey, man, don't say nothing. Somebody's coming in Thursday, Friday, Saturday, but they don't want to do the late shows. Do you mind headlining Wednesday, featuring for him Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then headlining the late shows?

Hell, yeah. And you're like, yeah, why not? And there was a point I was trying to make here. That Wednesday show, you know, like, I don't know. even know what I was trying to say to you. I think those fucking hash edibles hit me already and shit. You know what I'm saying? About

how it's a level playing field. Yeah, you're going there on a fucking Wednesday night and you're headlining and you eat a bag of dicks. Now you're in that Thursday and you're fucking banging it out with one of the best headliners in the country that's come home to visit his fucking grandmother and he just

wants to do the early show and pick him from cash while he's there. And then that night you're headlining him, but I really forgot the point I was going to make. I'm sorry about that. That's okay. It happens to me all the time. Yeah, but you didn't eat fucking 8,000 milligrams. No, no one does eat 8,000 milligrams. I had a bag of these

cratin gummies. It's T.H.C. But it's not craton, that shit that people are dying of the Chinese plant. This is the hash-infused edibles, the T-HC. Not bad. I ate them. was like, yeah, baby, I finally found something, but I had to eat the whole bag, which is 500,000, 600, 8, pre-a-fucking ABXs, I got to get ready, you know what I'm saying? How do you do that?

I have no idea how that one is. It's just another day, you know what I'm saying? It's just another day to, you got to get up and train some days you hit it hard. Some, though, let me tell you something. You have no idea what I have been through the last week, because I don't want to bring you down on the phone. Why? Because I'm not that type of dude.

So fucking, I've had this thing in my ear since God knows what. I went to two different doctors, cream, the one lady looked at it. There's something in there. We're going to give you something that'll come out. That went on for fucking six months. I'm sitting there waiting. So I ran out of cream, the whole thing. I just keep a band-aid on it to dry it out

to see when this thing's gonna fall out. I think last Thursday I wake up. I'm gonna kiss my daughter. She's like, Dad, there's something sticking out of your ear. And I'm like, oh, fuck. So I call my wife, I go take a look at this thing, and it was just like a whitehead that wasn't really a whitehead. So she just affected the tweezers when she pulled,

guys, you thought I got shot. Fuck. You thought I got shot. I still remember, being over a sink and the blood was dripped different parts of the fucking sink it was unreal it was a boil with a thing sticking out of it and i mean she pulled out what she could and it was not good looking but i mean it was i ruined two shirts that day and just wouldn't stop bleeding wouldn't stop bleed the sweatshirt and the tuesday and the tuesday and the

T-shirt I had underneath. And do you have to, like, bring it, do you have to go to the doctor? Is that what happened this week? So I, we made the subscription. I picked it up late Friday, and I put it on there. Friday was doing better. Saturday was doing better. I put some Acrechron on there, old school.

And I dosed up the vitamin C so I wouldn't get an infection. And I fucking Sunday, it was killing me. So this morning, I got up. But no, last night. before I went to bed I go honey you gotta look at this fucking thing and she's like Joe we just got to take this to the hospital I go forget the hospital

let's go to urgent cash I went this morning I got up this morning this morning early I was like the third guy there holy shit this morning they actually shot me with a needle in there I haven't seen Jesus in a long time

but I saw him this morning that's why I was a little discombobulated this morning but I went at 845. I sat there for like 25 minutes. They called me in there. The lady looked at it, cleaned there, did a bunch of stuff.

She was, listen. There's a dermatologist up there. Let me get you in there. I said, all right. So 1250, she got me in there. I left there, came home, did my morning stretch, did a video for YouTube,

which I think they made it childproof, because I smoked on it. I didn't show myself smoking. I just showed the smoke. Oh, damn, yeah. So then I caught a quick half hour at the boxing gym. I went down there. He laid it into me today.

I was like, fucking dead when I let that came. Shave my monkey, shower it, and went right back to the doctor at 12.50. She fucking took one looking and she goes, all right, later. And she goes, what I'm going to do is put some cocaine on. it and I'm going to fucking shoot it and then we're going to fucking scrape it and take out

all that stuff so she's going to send it in to see if it's skin can't but when she pricked it with the fucking needle like it was painful but she had to take the needle out

because the amount of blood that came her way it was fucking insane she had to keep me there for like 30 minutes after that it was insane I got home I went to pickle tiring

I got myself a chicken noodle soup and I opened turkey sandwich with mashed potatoes on the side for lunch and I was home by 245 Tip Top Magoo ready to pick up my daughter ready for when the bus dropped her off But why don't you

Because I mean I don't feel I don't feel like you can't tell me things But like why don't you tell people like that shit's going on Because what you want me to put it on Facebook and Twitter and my ears fucked up. Yeah. No, not Facebook, but you can tell your friends.

Hold on. Somebody died. Let me look up a picture from 1980. When I was a kid, he gave me an autograph. Let me post it up so everybody knows he was my buddy. You know. You really don't pose that stuff. No.

It's so creepy when people do that. It's a different world on Instagram. It's like, shit, we don't need to know. there's a thousand things I want to know about you that shit I don't give a fuck you want to show me

your titties go ahead this Facebook knock yourself out but if you're gonna tell me about your to toe or you're out of commission say a prayer for my cousin

he jumped out of a helicopter you know what am I a Swami I can't help you but what about have you seen when people post like pictures from the hospital room

and they're like send me some prayers or give me some thoughts who how can he why would you go to the hospital room and take out your phone to take a picture. If I send you up, if I put a picture on Facebook, the captain's going to be, send me an Asian nurse with sticky hands,

you know what I'm saying? I have an intravenous in my neck. In your neck? Holy shit. We got to get the good stuff. We ain't getting that billy goat stuff they give you from fucking, you know. Does you talk to a nurse and be like, I don't want the billy goat stuff? Do you talk to nurses?

I tell them the truth. Today I told them, listen, before you put that needle in my arm, I said, I'll tell you something. She took my blood pressure when I walked in there, and I'm like, listen, relax. I just cut off like, You want to take my blood pressure? I told her. It's our first date.

Give me 10 minutes. And then she put it on, she laughed. She goes, and then it went down to like, fucking, listen, Doug, I have a good time in my life. I like I go to this place to eat. It's dynamical. I'm not even going to blow up the spot.

I love the food there. And I like going there when it's quiet, but it's so good from time to time. I got to go on there on a Saturday and bust out. But every Saturday I go to my little, I have a little Mexican bartender that takes Cammy. He's moving back to Apropocco. He's like a co-headliner.

He's like a bus voice slash bartender. I got him on the small 20 program in there. But every time I, I go on there as a girl that's very attractive, young, you know, but very quiet. And the first two times I've seen a bartender, I don't know how that girl makes money. Why? She doesn't smile. Oh, yeah.

If she smiled, she would. So finally, I went there this weekend, and a buddy mine goes in there to eat, the bartender for Osteria, Joe. Okay. And he comes in, he goes, yeah, I'm off today. I came down. I always come down there on my day off. I'm like, oh, fuck.

The lunch special is great. And I go, Joe, that girl never smiles. And he goes, I know. It kills me, too. And I look at her. And all of a sudden, she comes back. And at the end, I go to pay my check. And I go, give him a glass of wine before I leave, and I'll pay for that cash.

So when she went away to get it, because she was a my waitress. She was my buddy's wages. I'm with fucking Ricky Ricardo from Nakabuco. So when I say, well, watch and she comes back and she's got beautiful nails. Okay. Nails with money.

I go, can I ask you a question? She goes, what? I go, where do you get your nails done? And she goes, Perth and I'm going, boy, why do you ask? Because when I go on transition, I want the best, baddest fucking nails there are. You know what I'm saying? I'm thinking of switching. And she started laughing, darn. Oh shit.

She smiled. You got it. I've actually loved you. Let me take a breathing. Yeah. I tipped that we had a good time. Let's take a breathe and talk to you guys about Draft Kings this weekend. Uh-oh.

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Bonus beds expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see DKNG, dot co slash FD ball. All right, guys. Don't forget, Draft Kings is alive and kicking. This is the time of the year. We got football,

NBA starting. I mean, fuck, it's so much. It's so much that's coming at. You got so many different choices to make 2750 a night. You know what I'm saying?

And it's amazing how, like, close they are. I've lived my life. I'm very happy bet in fucking $20. $10. Very happy. I still get excited. Because I only bet like 10 bucks on the Chiro.

And he's hitting home runs like their fucking Yum Yum Yum's on a Japanese street. Speaking of a Yum Yum's dog, let me tell you what's going on with Uncle Joey lately. So about a month ago. Maybe about six weeks ago, I took my daughter and a wah-wah with her girlfriends for something after a softball game. And I noticed they had blow pops. Okay. Without the blow pop. Because sometimes you get the blow pop, and that's a good.

good cherry one, but it's old and you got to break a tooth to get to the fucking gum. I'm too old to be playing mystery with the fucking the lollipop and biting into that shit. I went to Wawa one day and they got like a 10 pack of the gums that are inside all the

flavors. So watermelming, grapes, strawberry. Yeah, I avoid the middleman. So I go in there every once a week and I buy one or two and then I eat a whole pack of the night and spit it out on the fucking road, but I love it. And then I started

the one that I went to get like three packs and the guy goes, hey man, you've been coming in here a lot for those things. I'm like, busted. Isn't that the worst? So I had to start going to different wall-wars to get my little the one retarded cook kept, are you Joey? Are you Joey?

Are you Joey? He wouldn't stop. He wouldn't fucking stop the one down. With Joey Dears being here buying bubble gum, he goes, no, okay, then I'm not Joey Dears. And I walked out. How often are you getting gum? Because it's the worst when they recognize you.

I had that habit at Jack in the box. It's the fucking worst. And then they got right back to me because I had a tariff up there. If anybody sees a we at a fast food restaurant, go to a refus store and pick up fucking $10 worth of wheat. So everybody was rat in the out. People love to rat me out. Everyone else is snitches get stitches.

Everyone loves to wrap me out to Joe. People will wrap me out for stuff I haven't done. The funny thing was the day you put on an Arab disguise to go to Subway Sandwich. I was hungry. I was hungry I was a fucking oh dude I had someone to tell me recently I had another comic accused me of getting like

he's like oh last time I saw you you were fucked up I was like oh yeah really I was like yeah this comedy club like a comedy club I've never been to people love and they always tag you in things I can't tell you how if I get tagged and Lee you're really fucking up Joey look at it like

who else has to deal like oh my God Lee's really fun I still get people saying you're a Jersey Mike's guy now no subway. I haven't been a subway. I'm like paranoid to go to a subway. It is crazy how they don't leave.

They still talking about their fucking stars of death. Oh, yeah. That's been gone for eight fucking years. The stars of death, stars of death, it's so weird when they bite into something. It's like you know what fucked me up last week. What's that? Number one, in today's world, you can't get in trouble.

okay you you cannot get an illegal trouble you cannot be a high profile person and get into any dilemma because the media what's that expression there the judge yeah like the media doesn't give you a chance to breathe listen we've known each other a long fucking time you ever see ditty no i've never seen him out Okay. You know what? That wasn't our world. No. My world. And it's so funny how all of a sudden everybody's got a ditty story. But then there's people that like you and me, name a party we went to leave like that. We went to somewhere together. Do you remember any? We did. The only party we went to was Gabe's Christmas party, which was awesome. Okay. Gabe's Christmas party.

So how long ago was that? Eight to ten years ago, I would say. So seven to ten years ago? Yeah, ten years ago. It's 24, even before that. It's got to be 11 years ago because the one year you went to see the fucking movie, 2013 went to see that movie. So that was like 2012.

Now, what if that night we took a picture of me, you, Martin, and whatever? And, you know, Gabriel's our friend. We know him. We know the guy. But one of the guys got caught playing the bongo somewhere in Mexico with a 10-year-old. You know what I'm saying? He's got a farm, and he's cousins to the guy in Waco.

I'm just making an imaginary fucking scenario. And all of a sudden, they immediately got pictures. You know, they got people that were actually there for the parties, you know, Beyonce, whatever the fuck. And all of a sudden, after a week, they dig up our picture. Who else was there? And we're like, guys. Lee and if they knew

we drove down, we ate, we giggled and we were home by like a lot of clarity. And they wrapped with off the TV. They gave away $15,000 and they were playing poker. Do you remember that night? Yeah. And it's like, so now because I was there,

now I'm getting hate mail. You know, like now people looking at you differently. You know, they posted a picture, him and Howard Stern. I didn't see anything with Howard Stern. But then the media started talking about their people with their kids. And that's when I fucking blow the line.

What's that? You know what, man? I don't see Diddy with kids. I see Diddy banging all these hot black chicks and these rappers and fucking, you know, celebrities and shit, giving them yum yum pills and roofies and making them drink blood, whatever the fuck they do, you know? Because it's just something beyond. And then so that pissed me off.

The media is doing that. But the big thing about 90% of the people that are talking about this don't know the mental state of the people in Los Angeles. And don't know the mental state of people trying to become famous. No. There's two types of people that go to LA. There's people that want to become famous. And there's just people that end up there like I did. You know, it took me 20 years to get an agent that was worth a...

You know what I'm saying? But in those 20 years, I forgot who the fuck I was. Okay. But we weren't that luckily. And you've witnessed it. You've seen what happens to people. I mean, we saw somebody get caught up, and I would tell you all the time. Watch that person.

Watch that person. It was no fucking, it was a no-brainer. You know, you're an actor comic. You're a comic. You don't belong there. You don't belong there. You don't belong there. I don't care what they tell you, this, that.

You don't belong there because once you get there, you're going to realize you don't belong there. Or you're going to be a fucking, just a fucking hangar on. Those guys in the rap videos or those guys in the rock videos in the back with the bottle. That's what you want to do. But for some people, they're very happy with that. But before people start criticizing, they've got to understand the mental state. of men and women when they get around that.

I have to, and I don't even know what it was like. Oh, we both don't know. I don't, that's not our world. We had a fucking office that we paid seven hours a month for, guy. Right, yeah. Our world, we don't know nothing about that shit.

What do you think, like, because these people probably wouldn't have done a lot of that stuff wherever they were from. Like, what do you think happens when they get around that stuff? My biggest question has always been who makes a young woman go into a man's hotel room to read a script. Okay.

That, that, when I send my daughter home every fucking to school, that's what I think about. Like, what didn't they teach those girls that you don't go up there? You just don't go up there. There was just so many things that people never really looked at. And there was a lot of things with men. I could sit, listen, I could go on Shannon Sharpe. and tell Shannon a million fucking stories just of speculation that I've heard

from the minute I got there that I never got myself caught into. I just looked at it for what it was and that's what they do and you know what? That's it. That was the best thing but it's so sad that people don't know that world but then I can't want to jump into it. You don't know the world of Jennifer Lopez.

You don't know the world of Diddy. It's not a fucking life. It's a world. And what comes into it, Madonna, you know, these fucking, these moguls, they're fucking, you know, you don't know their world. You just think they were, they are so,

that was tremendous. You don't know their world. That wasn't even a fart. That was my backstretching. That was a world. No. But people don't know their world. And the people that are in their world,

what they would do to be that person. And when you have that, you'll do anything. Because all you want is to be famous? That's it. I always came from the school that you had to get on stage to get famous. You know, I see these comedians that are trying to strive, but they work more on what parties they get invited to and the fashion they got out and the bullshit galaes they get invited to

because they're just bull. If you know that, the Grammys, the Emmys or the Oscars, oh, look at me. I'm at the Lesbians-Latino Alliance. Listen, there's 80s. You know what I am? It's kind of weird, and they make this big yuck. For some people, that fills their hole.

For me, I'd rather be at the fucking store, banging it out, fucking doing spots, snorting coke, and learning comedy in three different fucking rooms. You know? Oh, yeah. That's what kills me about this. So I haven't spoken. about it because everybody's talking about it.

He was making jokes. Now everybody was at a ditty party. I've never seen nothing like this in my life. People want to be at ditty parties? No, that now everybody was at a ditty party. Right, that's what I'm saying. I'm surprised at someone. People would admit to it now.

Everybody who fucking, you know, was at a ditty party. I did get some good food last night, though. I bet I know what it is. No, wasn't it. Fuck out of me. No, no, it was actually, it was. great. I went to this Italian place in the Upper East

Side. It was called San Mateo. Dude, I had the Newoki for like one of the first times and then they brought out prosciutto like hanging like it was just a really cool present. Like that's one of like the things I love about New York is little restaurants. They're like, you know, they're not everywhere and they could

do really like they were speaking. There was like an Italian family in there the whole time. There was a kid running around. One of the guys was and this isn't this guy was just yelling but he didn't seem angry. He was talking Italian or speaking Italian. But it was just, it was a whole experience. And it was great.

Very nice. Very nice. How many times you got to walk up and down those stairs to burn that fucking Yonke? Dude, you should have seen me carrying my suitcase up with the four flights. That was a funny one. I could just imagine.

That was a rough one. Saturday was an adventure in my world. also because I don't know what that is. My wife made a pot roast with noodles. Don't blame the pot roast. Ooh, it's tremendous. Jesus.

I've never been so scared in my life. I got flashbacks of being a kid, which lets you know how fearful I was when I was a child. So my daughter goes to my wife that she wants to try out for some fucking club team. Me and my wife look at each other like, what the fuck? All right, she tries out. We don't hear nothing for two.

weeks. Then we got a call. She made it. All right. Oh, nice. Practicing the whole thing. Saturday, we show up to a basketball game. It's a nice area. You know, we walk in. It's, you know, seven, eight nice

white little girls from fucking whatever this is called. What do they call that? Suburban. Suburgy. And we look, and the whole team we're playing is fucking African-American. the coach, the assistant coach,

the cheerleaders, the whole fucking team. And I'm like, oh my God, my daughter got herself into a fucking whammy this time. And this is what I wanted. I wanted to see if she pissed her pants or whatever. They lost 23 to like fucking 10. Wow. But you know what?

She did really good. She scored. Nice. You know, she forgot. She has to transition to her forward. from being a guard, so it was a tough transition. I took her to the courts Wednesday. She was off from school Thursday.

I took it to the court's Thursday because I could tell she's getting taller. She ain't a guard no more. She's a fucking forward now. She's a brute. She's a fucking brute. Oh, that's awesome. So we went over there, she lost, but every, bro, those sisters were quick. And they were good, and they were fucking princesses.

They were all, like, very fucking sweet. You know, I talked to the parents after the game, you know, they were fucking dynamite. There was one little black girl looked just like John Morant. She had fucking dreads taking it to the hoop jack. Those little girls were vicious. You know, it was just an enjoyable game to watch. What did Mercy say after losing like that? Not a thing.

She got on the fucking music. And, you know, I asked that. I said, you did well. I go, you looked a little law. She told me, you know. And then her mom said, gonna take either tomorrow to shoot some hoops I don't know

I don't know it's gonna rain tomorrow it's gonna rain today who the fuck knows anymore I'm going over to what do you got Wednesday night Wednesday number of this week? Yeah no next week two weeks from this week I have nothing on Wednesday night Wednesday I'm gonna go over to the dojo

Oh nice I'll be there Then the following week I'm doing a show with Paul Rizzi That's awesome tickets are on sale already so hopefully you'll be in town to swing by on the 15th. Or pick a Wednesday. You can't be every Wednesday. No,

I'll do this week because next week I'll be in Boston all week. I'm actually doing the Laugh Boston with Jim Florentine on that week, the 17th, the 17th. Look at you, you bad motherfucker. Yeah. Still out there. Yeah, so you're going to, I was thinking about the day of the day. I'll lead it over 20 weeks of work. Yeah.

If you really want to get good, you do 20 weeks. If you really, really, really want to get good. You do 35. Yeah, I'm going to hit 32, I think. And it's, but I definitely see a huge difference. But it's, like, that's why I'm so excited to be here in New York. I can just do so much. And I'm excited because Thursday have tickets go out of sale.

The park in the casino, which you're on the building. November 27th, 8 o'clock. Tomorrow I'll put it up the link. And then Thursday, you can get the tickets. I'm very excitedly for the first time and a long time. That's awesome. Doing stupid things. I've been writing stupid things.

I've been paying more attention. I matured a lot. You know, like I've really, I understand what's happening now. I see the game a little better. I'm going to attack it from a different situation. Listen, I can retire whenever. Three years, ten years, I don't give a fuck.

As long as I feel good, I'm good. In fact, after I fucking went to that before, I went in boxed for a half hour. They knocked the shit. shit out of me today. And the guy told me, because you did really good today. You last a lot longer. You're doing four minute rounds.

And I'm like, you know what? It's not bad. Okay. I can live with that. It's not bad at all. And like, do you get like pumped up still after like a good set or even a great set?

Like, do you feel like, do you have a lot of energy still? On stage? Even after. I get pumped up. I'm scared to get involved. like off the bat and two shows or one night. Right. That's a lot. I'm very scared right now.

I don't want to give the people. So I know I got one good one. Mm-hmm. I got one good 45-minute spot that I can rock the house, give you energy and learn, you know, and that's what I'm looking to get. I'm not. And we'll take it from there.

One step of the time, Jack. I love it. Before the other, as long as you never go backward, just keep going straight. Never go back. Not even that. not even to get fucking impulse. You know what I'm saying?

That's old school fucking heckle of all. I love it. Me three cucksucker. I'll just very quickly. I'm going to be with Josh Wolfe at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City and Knitting Factory in Boisey this weekend. What is the Jewish holiday this week? Yon Kippur.

What day is done on? I believe it goes Friday this Saturday or Thursday or Friday. Where are you going to be? I'm going to be in Salt Lake City. Look at you. That's a good place to be. I'm excited to be a wise guy. We don't get bombed there this weekend.

That's a great club. Hello to the owner. He's a dear friend. I've known for a long time. Absolutely. He's done great things in comedy, Keith. My guy, man. I had to call Keith and tell him, Keith,

let me come up there. I know they don't like dirty acts. And he goes, if you want to come, I don't think you'll sell any tickets. And then he realized there was a market for everybody up there. It wasn't all just politically correctness anymore And he's doing great

He's got clubs in Vegas Yeah Clubs in Fuck in Salt Lake He's got like maybe three or two And Salt Lake And two in Vegas So send him my love Always a great comedy club

I'm just a dynamite guy Oh, that's one of the ones The most excited for Yeah But that's it, cock sucker Hopefully I'll see you Wednesday night 100% Can't wait

Get ready for those mushrooms I'm gonna take them out of the vault tomorrow I'm going to call Skinny Louie now. How much is Skinny Louis charge you? Nothing. He's friends of mine. That's nice. That he put a safe in his house for you. Did he want?

Did he put a safe in his house for you? No, he's got a safe in his house, you fuck. Oh, okay. A freezer type thing. You have to keep these at a certain temperature. Jesus Christ, that can't be good. All right, go do your thing. I love you guys. Love you, buddy.

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