The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Pilot to Bombardier

Episode Date: May 28, 2024

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt what he hates about texting and what makes a text worth responding to, why he never likes to judge other comic's stand up, the passing of. a childhood friend, how Joey feels when he is at The Mothership and much more! Get in on the action with DraftKings' Pick Six. Download the app and press in code JOEY for a shot at huge cash prizes. The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

You still watch Bull News tonight every night? No, I try to do it on Monday nights to relax me a little bit before I watch this fucking, before I do this with you fucking savages. Just to get inspired, you know, I like the news guys. Oh, yeah. The night they didn't talk about nothing good. Some fucking tornado in Texas, you know, people flying through the fucking air. That's boring.

Well, nah, it's sad. It's sad to me, you know. Yeah. Fucking times are rough and all of a sudden they showed these people hiding in a grocery store fucking cans were flying Some guy had a lay on his wife. They interviewed him. He's like you know I wouldn't go all over again. I could feel the dirt on my neck, you know, you know, and it's like it's in they say Texas, but it's really like in Where Ralphie's from Arkansas Okay, Texas, Kentucky and you see this and part of it is comical, but

part of it is sad. It's one of those things. You know? If a tornado came to destroy like an area? Yeah. Yeah, that's not good. But I get, but it is, it is funny to think not, it's just crazy to think about like having to like lay on top of somebody. Like, would you, what would you do if a tornado hit?

I got a tornado shelter outside that you crawl into the, under the stairs, you know, I truck. Yeah, but I'm hiding from a tornado. I go in and then I get bit by a, I'm not looking forward to that. Now I got to go to the hospital and the tornado. I'm going to die. I got rabies.

And then you asked a good question. What would you do if a tornado came? You know, try to fucking hide before it hits you. But, you know, I went to Tennessee in December. And they had just been hit for the tornado. I mean, a week before. And I had been there in August. and it took out a house on the corner

and it took out a car wash across the street. My in-laws were four houses from that. I mean, literally four fucking houses. How their house is still there. They said they felt shit hitting the house and wood was flying and trees. That's got to be a different fucking world. Especially for like you coming from like New York

and like here. And I, I guess you've seen all the whole country now, but just like as a kid, for you, a tornado must have felt like a magical thing that's never going to happen. Now, you never think it's going to happen. But here's the catch. How long did you live in L.A. for? 10 years. Okay.

How did we live in L.A. in Earthquakeville? There are people that will look you in the face and go, I don't know how you lived in L.A. for 10 years. And you're like, why? And they're like, well, because there's earthquakes. I couldn't live with earthquakes. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, it's the same shit.

It's like, how can you live in Tornado Alley? Yeah, I guess. Tornado's like, I don't know, like, earthquakes don't usually seem to destroy things. Obviously, there's really bad ones. Not the ones you saw, the ones we got. When I got that way, it had just been an earthquake. The Northridge one? Yeah, like it was still, like,

I remember still going up north and seeing, like, people going up. That was a supermarket or whatever the fuck, you know. I don't fuck, no. But all that stuff is always just, like, there's nowhere safe. If you move to Hawaii, you're going to get hit with a tsunami. If you move to Texas, you're going to get hit with a tornado. If you move to Colorado, you get hit with hail.

You know, there's always a sacrifice that you have to live. with and you take your chances. I don't know if I can do tornado. That would freak me the fuck out. Oh, shut up. You can't do nothing until you're... I can do plenty. I can do... I can do. I can do.

I could take the other. How many? What do I have to do? I took two. You got to shit them out and show them to me and eat them again. You can't shit out. Those things melt. Those two. There would be something you made me do is take a shit and look for it. And they believe they're not there. And meanwhile, they're a fucking gel capsules that melt immediately. Who the hell?

If somebody told me you got to take a shit, because I got to double check what you ate, I go, here's the deal. How about I send it to you in a fucking box? You know what I'm saying? Because that's when you get the full effect of that shit. I've smelled my shit. When there's no water, like,

I went to the little leaf field and I couldn't take it. I just could not take it no more. I had eaten like something, like a lemonade or something. Thank God this place was immaculate. The bathroom? Everything about this place. You couldn't, it was all turf, so you couldn't bring up for your own food.

Couldn't bring anything on this. There was seven, eight fields. Okay. The food wasn't badly. And they had lemonade and somebody finally squaws a fucking lemon. Oh, shit. A real one. Freshly squeezed.

Nice. $250 and $5 for a big one. How many? I got like 10 of them all the week. I got one on Saturday and two on Sunday. We were there for three games. Nice. But I went to the, like, one day I went to the bathroom down there,

and they had like, you know, it was a little league softball, like a bathroom. So they have little assholes or whatever the fuck. The toilets are small. I took a shit. It was floating out, like the Titanic. When I got up, I was like, what does that thunk of smell?

And I looked down, and my toilet paper was on top of the Titanic. sticking upside down, you know what I'm saying? I know. And he said it smelled bad? Oh, like that. Shit smells completely different when it's laid there than when it goes in water. Trust me. So there's no water at this field?

No, there was water, but the shit was water pond. Oh, Jesus. It's out like the Titanic, like half was out. So what am I telling you fucking movie? I don't. It's going to be all right, Lee. Keep fucking around, cuckeducker. Look.

I got a little tiny mushroom for you. These are the mushrooms from Saturn. It fucking freeze dry that must have fallen on the floor. Do you buy them that got like dehydrated so they're so small? I've never seen like tiny. None. I was on my carpet from last week or the week before when I was going in here fucking old. Was it rolling in your carpet or you dropped it?

Well, I didn't roll in my carpet. I wouldn't have a computer weed. That means we got problems. That means you got other type. the fucking issues that you're breathing. You ever go in one of those showers and they got mold in the corners, like a mushroom growing? No, you had mushrooms in the shower? No, no, no, no, no. But when I lived there.

No, I'm saying like, yeah, yeah, like years ago. People that showed me, like the landlord didn't do this and they were going to sue them because you can't breathe that shit. Who knows? I don't know nothing. You know what I'm saying? All I know is it's Tuesday. Let's get this fucking party started, motherfuckers. It's Tuesday. The 28th of men. Tip-top Magoo, the month is almost over, but we're here.

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It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you've got to be thinking. Welcome back to church. Ah, voila, cuckuckuckers. We're back.

You know what I'm saying? I'm happy to be back. It's Tuesday to 28. and is it 28 to the 20s? It really doesn't fucking matter. The month is over. Start fucking writing the check already. But the beauty of it is it starts Tuesday.

The holidays behind me now. There's no other fucked up things going to go down to 4th of July. So I got a 6 week run now to do the things I want to do. Because really now everybody goes brain dead the week before 4th of July. Right. You're the only person in this country who doesn't like holidays. Like everyone else is looking forward to them. It sets every retard even deeper.

They get more retarded after fucking, you know, we're going to ride, we're going to go to the Jersey shore and we're around in circles. You know, we're going to go to Hawaii. Whatever the fuck they're going to do. Why am I picking on the Jersey shore? I'm just saying that, you know, people go on vacation, they get really,

it's not a two-week vacation. It's a four-week vacation. Oh, yeah. because they've saved money. They put away money. It's special to them. And I respect that 150%. What I don't respect is you're thinking what you're going to wear on the third night.

Well, we're fucking getting down to work here, that's three weeks away. Right. Oh, yeah. Talking about it, like, yeah, well, I'm going to get a palm tree looking. You're going to get a palm tree in your ass if you don't fucking pay attention here. Because we've got shit to do of people to see. Fourth of July is six weeks away, I think. And yeah, I can't see picturing, like doing it that much.

Did you do anything fun for the, for like this weekend? Do you have any barbecues or anything? Oh, my God. I had barbecues, had midgets flying out of my asshole. I had fireworks. I didn't do shit. I got off the plane on Friday. I fucking rested from the 10 sets in Austin.

Saturday, the game started at 3.30. I got to go to the gym for a little bit and just get my feet back after you've been gone for a few days. and then Sunday the game started at 8.30 in the fucking morning. So what did I do? What do you want me to do? Today's fucking, you know, Memorial Day.

Nobody does dick another day. Even the Chinese restaurant is clothed, you know. Oh, no. Nobody wants to stop. I didn't crave Chinese today. I could have still got shit to eat around here, but I'm just saying that when I went for my morning ride, I saw it was closed.

Not Freddie. Freddy's open on Monday. Right, Freddy's always open. Freddy don't give a fuck. about holidays. He closes Tuesday which is always a good day to be closed and it's always a good day to mind your business. Oh, but doesn't

it piss you off though? Like when you forget one of your favorite places is closed on a weird day like that and then you show up or you call and they're not picking up. You're like, fuck, they're close. That always happens to me. When I was I don't know, man, it's so weird how you, I'm going to see who this is

and when I get out of here, I'm going to fucking strangle him. You follow me? Now they want to to hit you at night. Now people's now people get mad at me. I don't even know who that is. You follow wasn't me. I'll tell you who sends you texts all day. CVS. I love CVS. I got nothing but love for CVS. They got a program that if you don't belong to that CBS, you should smack yourself in the face. That fucking whatever care package, you pay whatever a month dog. They pay you back every month. You get your money back. 25%, every time they throw me a 40% I go in there and buy

socks. I don't give a fucking. You know what I got 40% off a fucking Kit Kat bar. You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. They do get that one with 40% coupon. I almost killed this motherfucker that. Why? Because I got a big box of fucking Nicorette, which is $70 fucking dollars.

Right. And I got a protein bar. This motherfucker applied the 40% off to the protein bar. That's the first time I did the Diagostino. Where white people go home and fill out Yelp, black people, ask for the manager. That was me that day. I want to talk to the manager.

Fuck, yeah. With an $80 product, this fucking twinkletold. 40% off on a fucking protein bar, which I could give two fucks about it. But the pockets that's 80, he wants to charge me to full bang. Ain't that a bitch? Right. I want to talk to your manager.

And I got fucking CVS on hold right here, the corporate office. I'm surprised you did it. Listen, dog, when it comes to my coupons, I got corporate on fucking speed dock. I don't use a lot of coupons. In fact, I don't use coupons at all. But my Nicarrex, CVS shit, I pay for that. Yeah. Why the fuck you're going to be throwing me to the wolves?

What did this little CBS guy? Because I was 14. That was my first job at CV. They came to date. The guy was cool. Don't worry about it. We'll apply. He don't know nothing. He's just a kid we're hired from three to four. Right. Because he's Mexican. We're trying to get the fucking Disability Act with 1942 or whatever the fuck.

I can't imagine. He can't even, like, he doesn't know what he's doing on that thing. He didn't. He didn't do it out of spite. No, I know he didn't. I'm just, the computer just did it randomly. Was it a computer or was the kid? He's thinking of a fucking road war. What's the name of that game they play?

Roblox? Roblox. Yeah, he's thinking of roadblocks. I can't wait to get home so I can jerk off with one hand and play roadblocks with the other. Like some fucking, and I would do the same too, but I didn't play fucking Nintendo and other shit. I had both hands on the stick, Jack. Anyway.

You were saying when you were younger about like going to place that was closed on a random day? Yeah, but then, I don't know. I don't like when you go to a place and it's closed earlier than you anticipate. Oh, yeah. That's what pisses me off. When you go to a place and you're craving it for lunch and they don't have that for lunch, only on the dinner menu.

And, you know, that's the shit that gets me gone. There's a restaurant that I went to here for three years and I really enjoyed it. in there. They were good. You know, I don't drink. So that part of it, it didn't bother me. I wanted to eat. Right. I liked their food. But I forgot. I forgot the time. Fuck, this edible's kicking it already.

Then you went to a restaurant for like three years before something happened. I stopped going there for a reason. Because they did something. I just didn't, I don't know. I didn't like. I can't remember now. Who cares? Who cares? It wasn't that fucking important. How was Austin? Austin was this time It's so weird what, you know,

every January I do a thing. I read the art of war, not Shenzhou, but the war of art. The war of art. And I got to start reading it more in my old age because I, you know, I got to the airport Tuesday, like I owned the joint, you know, got through, got on the plane,

took a couple of edibles. Got there, no problem, checked into the room. No, I didn't take edibles on the way down. I'm lying to you. I took something. I took like two pieces of mushroom chocolate to relax me on the plane. All right. Yeah.

That sounds really relaxing to go flying through the air on mushroom chocolate. I knew I did something, but I knew it wasn't edibles because I didn't want to be fucked up by the time I got to Austin like last time. Right. So I fucking just did like, it was more like three or four pieces of chocolate. Yeah, I was counting. And I got down there and that night out, I'd go to the club. And I walked in and whatever I was feeling was gone already.

But man, fucking Rogan makes me follow Tony Hinchcliff every time and bring him. And there's no warm up. Like, there's no fucking warm up. Like seven o'clock, I got to be ready to fucking rock in that room. And he followed Theo. You know, it was one of those nights. And I got to follow Tony. He just got off to fucking roast.

Right. People, the room blew up. And then I got to go out there and hold my own. And, you know, the first show, I stumbled the first three minutes. But then I just lucked out and bailed out of that motherfucking set. And then I went to the bottom of the barrel. And I ripped that motherfucker apart. And then I went back to the main room later on.

And I did fucking. really good night. It was a good night. Even though I fumbled those first three minutes, I knew that was going to happen. I knew that I didn't have it. You know, man, sometimes it's so weird how you write a good joke,

it's working, and then out of nowhere, it just disappears from your repertoire. And then you go looking for it, or not even looking for it. You look in your notebooks, and you're like, where is that fucking thing? Where are the notes on it?

I can't even find notes on it. And then you're watching a bunch of comics and you fucking somebody says something, you go, there's three minutes that I'm missing. That's why I was struggling to find fucking 20 or something like that, you know? Right. It happens all the fucking time.

Okay, I feel better. If I only got 12 minutes on the first night, listen, by Wednesday, I was over at 15, I'm like, I got to get off already. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And by Thursday, I'm like, I didn't even feel it. I did 15s at red bands, like nothing.

Is it, is 15 giving you like a little bit of anxiety now? Because you usually... Yeah, my phone is shut off. My phone is shut the fuck off, you know? I can tell there's a setting you can handle. Yeah, I'm going to get rid of texting altogether again. That's what needs to happen pretty soon. It's getting out of control.

I can see. These people don't know I'm not a professional texter. And I do not like it. I do not like it. I like, you send me a text. I reply. Go away.

Once you press that extra, I like your message, my blood pressure burns. We don't need this. I don't care whether you like the message or not. Why you got to, I was going to bing me again. I need a bing,

another fucking bing in my life. No, you don't like that? No, I don't like none of that shit. When they hit your back, like, with a thumb, you already wasted my fucking time. Or then they have the audacity, they hit you with another question, they want another answer,

and then I just stop. And then I just leave them there, fucking eight hours. Did you ever, like, when your car, like, do you ever plug your phone into your car? Yes. Do you ever answer your text while you're driving? Like, have it rated to you,

and then you say it back to it? Like the time when we went down to Austin, I made a little cock sucker. Where was? Oh, here. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. I can't imagine you doing that.

If I'm driving, there's a good song on, I'm not returning that fucking text. No? No. I'm not going to stop that music unless it's an envelope. Right. The envelope always gets the text. Everything else is background story.

What's the name of that restaurant you talked about? Go fuck yourself. You know, look it up. I don't know. Yeah. What are you got a boss for? We're talking about it a week ago. You want to ask me what restaurant.

I don't even know what I was talking an hour ago. I think you can set up things on your phone, like quick responses. Like just like if you say something, like it'll automatically do that. Let's do that. Fuck yourself. Just that. All you have to say is one and it'll go go fuck yourself. See, not right now.

Go away. Go away. And then a double go away. How fun is it to tell someone to go away? Like in a joking way? you know, listen, I'm out of LA. So ever since I moved here, I don't have to fucking, you know, you get this type of person that can,

if, like, you post a picture yourself up doing stand-up, this guy will call you and go congratulations, you know, but he's a comic. Right, okay. Congratulations on your set at the comedy mothers, you know. But all along, you know what they're looking for. Listen, I don't need to stop what I'm doing to look at a text or whatever that says congratulate

on some picture. I really don't. No. I don't. No, nobody does. You know what I'm saying? Like, no, you don't like, it's like an open mic guy calling you and going, this is great. Right. I get it. I just think it's funny. Do you have a rule for what kind of text to respond to? Yeah.

First off, the people who don't send you a name, I just erased those. They just assume that you have. But I have a quick question. Is it someone maybe you've talked to a bunch of times and you know who it is? Well, sometimes. Like, have you talked to this person multiple times and still don't? Listen, at one point, why are we still talking? You know what I'm saying?

I know what you're looking for and you know what I'm looking for. We're not disagreeing or disagree. You know, I still get crazy calls. They went down a lot. A lot. Well, you told people to go away? They got the hint. I think a lot of people, no, listen, when I left L.A.,

how much would that phone ring, Lee? Nonstop. Immediately. When I got here, went to half. And then six months later, went to a quarter. See, because when you're not in L.A., you're not there to help people they don't need you.

Out of sight, out of mind. Right. You know, when you land and you go to the comedy store, they all miss you. We couldn't know what to do without you. Yeah. It's the same thing over and over again.

Right. So we're already hip to that. Right. So I was still getting those type of calls. And it's like, listen, I'm not the neighborhood no more. You don't have to fucking tell me that that was a good joke.

You don't have to tell me, I lost Wade or I'm looking 10 years younger. You don't have to tell me this shit. The song amaze the same. Get on stage and stop breaking the funk. You know what I'm saying? I would love to talk to people like that. You've actually said that to someone?

Like that, in that vein, like you've talked. When I know that the charade is over. Right. And then I'm looking for the reaction after that. Oh, of course. after that and not four out of ten people will go away happy

because at least now they think that you know what they're about. I don't look at it that way. I want to see, you know, the reaction of that like there was somebody I feel really bad about

in L.A. that I knew for a long time from maybe I've always felt very guilty about this I apologized to him about a year Three years ago About a year after I left Los Angeles I actually

Facebooked him And got his phone number And explained why I said that to him But when I got to L.A. I became friends on a guy on a commercial set And we both made a lot of money on that commercial And every time we saw each other We hugged each other

But at that time he was doing a little bit more comedy Okay And I still love this until today And I saw him for a long fucking time, you know, my first 10 years in that last song constantly. And then he dropped off. And then he would pop his head up for different events kind of sort of. But I overlooked that because I really loved him. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I didn't mind him because I loved him. I got where he was coming from, you know, people move on in their careers. and then they, but they still want to have their foot in it. So I would always throw them love always, you know. But then, like, I know him all that time. Since we started the podcast, I've known him. And he's never asked, you know, I never offered, but he never asked because I wouldn't see him.

I didn't know what his life was about. There was a time where he would have been on the podcast all the time. He's a funny guy. Wow, okay. But at this time, he wasn't doing stand-up enough. And, you know, like once the pandemic hit, it was crazy. You know, the fucking YouTube video, this, that. And one day out of nowhere, he called me one day.

And he's like, hey, man, I hope you're okay. And I'm like, yeah, you know, it's fucking bullshit. And he goes, but I want to ask you, when can I be on the podcast? And, you know, I just said to him, I go, you know, man. man, I go at this point, what's it going to do for the both of us? I told him the truth. He's not in comedy anymore. I don't want him to go in there and to, like, I was looking out for him.

I just didn't say it the right way, Lee. That's what it was. I would never talk to him like that. But at that time, I already knew the people that the church wanted to hear. Right. And I knew what comics and other people were putting on their podcast. and who they were having success with. You always have success with a comedian that people know.

Oh, yeah. For a guy to come on and tell you all the comics he did comedy with, to surpass him, it doesn't make him look good. I can definitely see that. It's also like after like a decade of doing a podcast, picking that moment to ask you to be on seems like a strange time. But no, it was just. just the way I said it to him.

I always felt guilty. After the pandemic, listen, there's reasons why I don't like judging talent. I don't judge and talent. I'm not the type of person to tell somebody to get the fuck out of there. You know, that's not my call. That's never been my call.

I'm not going to tell an open mic or people send me shit all the time. Can you look at this? Can you? I'd rather not. And I'll tell you why? because I'd rather see you live. Okay. I don't ever want you to judge me on video,

stand-up wise. I always want you to see me live. And then you could say whatever you want. I don't like you stand-up, Joey. I didn't like this. Because I know you're not going to get me on videotape, but I know this, you know, already. So that's not my bag.

Right. I know how I felt when people would break my balls when I was coming up because they didn't understand for me it was everything and for some of these people you're goofing on it's everything oh yeah it was taking very seriously

from year three to year six if you would have caught me on a bad day I don't know what I would have done like if I would have put all my eggs on a basket and got on stage and you booed me. I don't know if I would have shot myself. I don't know if I would have done like a one of those fucking drive-by shootings. I don't know what I'd do because I didn't have I did have all my

eggs in that basket, but I was also very smart. I knew that this was a journey from day one. Right, but it's did it like was that hard for you to like make that transition like because you said like with all that anger like to be funny and like to, did. Take the rejection that you took? Was it rougher? Well, when you're a fucking, you know,

three to, listen, you're Iron Man. I got a lot of respect for open micers and guys that, they iron men. For some guys, it's a place where you go drink,

smoke pot, and giggle like a fucking idiot. You're just waiting for a bus. Right. To hit you at this point, you just don't have the audacity. jump in front of it. And then you got the guys that, you know,

they have fucking dreams and aspirations and they're real. I'm not saying this other type of open mic or doesn't have dreams and aspiration, but by this time he already got caught in the oh my God, I love your T-shirt. I love that joke. Ha! In the back during

somebody's on stage, they already fell for that trap, you know? Oh, that scared me when people do that. Right? You know, you know, we used to do that a lot when you went to San Francisco. Oh, yeah, I can see that. I'd go there.

I thought they were teaching karate. They would all be yelling at the fucking place the place that burnt down. I was so happy when that place burned down. I have no idea about a place burned down.

The punch line? It was the punchline. There was Cobbs. Cubs. And then there was another club. But the guy who ran it was a fucking dick. right and i don't know i just did not get along with him then later on when i was opening for rogan

i would have to deal with this guy oh no point like the first time we were all right but after that we used to just goof on right to his face because he didn't like me r ari and duncan so we would just fucking abuse him you know say shit to him oh the people i'm gonna i'm just looking at It says there were fires at Cobbs and at the punchline. Yeah, one of those, Cobbs. One of those had a, but that old Cobbs. Right. Old Cobbs.

I didn't like the attitude in there. Like every time you went in there, dog, I had to drive 18 hours to get there. You know, no, no, I'm lying to you. I don't know what it was, but it was no, it was no fucking picnic to do an open mic on a Monday. In San Francisco, I'm coming from Seattle, because. you know, with $3 in your pocket, no ATM, and my eyes were wide open looking for a wallet, you know, and you're going to get there and play games with me.

I'm going to fucking never forgive you. And there was a bunch, and it was always San Francisco. That's all towards me in the beginning. Always, the two of them, because the punchline used to have an open mic on Sundays. Okay. I called him, motherfucker. He okayed it. called them a month before. Yeah, every week before that. Am I still on? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I get there. This guy's like, oh, great to have you. Stand in the back. I'll let you know when you're up. I was there for two hours before this motherfucker came up and talked to me again. And every time he'd go, you're next. He'd come up to me, 10 minutes, let he go, no, no, no. My friend's going up next. You're after that. I never forgot that motherfucker. And then I lit him up a year later at the Laugh Factory. We'll get to that later. Yeah, when those guys light you up, if you're a young comic, when those guys insult you, those guys that don't do stand up and they're like the assistant club manager, just give them time. Just look at them and nod at them and go, okay. And then a year later, you're spitting their face when you're fucking co-headlining in their shitty fucking club across town. They're like a bar back now somewhere else trying to give you.

And that's why you can't take none of that shit seriously. because I always thought these people trained to be fucking talent coordinators. Right. How do you train? What do you do? Play with a monkey all day and see which one plays the organ, which plays the flute.

What are we talking about here? So, you know, I always thought like you had to go through, like, in my mind, in my fucking stupid Cuban mind, I thought that you had to go through like a training thing, a comedy club, sat you down. Fuck. it's like hiring, it's like selling the car. You could breathe into a glass.

You could do it. You know who sells tickets. You know who's, you can put in the middle, and you know who isn't going to come into the building. And there are some good ones, but yeah, it's just a lot of personal taste. Yeah, and you also have to nurture. See, you have to nurture them from all over.

I always thank Carl Woman home, my guy in Seattle for, I thank him to that because, He was a very, very good, that's one thing. I've always told you, dog. I had shitty situations, but I always had good people. In Denver, I had Matt Woods helping me. In Seattle, I had Matt Berry helping me. As soon as I got to L.A., you know, after I became a regular,

I was always very tight with Scott Day. The original talent coordinator was there. I was always very tight with Duncan before. He became the talent coordinator. I was tight with Corey Cuomo. I had to have a personal relationship with them. I liked that. I enjoyed that.

You know, I hated these guys that opened up a club for investment money. That bothers me. Right. If you're going to open up a comedy club, do me a favor. I want you to tell me about comedy all the way to Vodville. And if you can, tell me all the way to them when the cavemen were doing it. Tell me about the comedy shows. that they had at the fucking pyramids.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like if you're going to be a comedy owner, that's all I ask. I don't ask much. I don't care for you. No, the entire history of the world. What's that? The entire history of the comedic world.

I just want you to have a clue. I just don't want you to be an extended agent. And you're trying to, and you'll bump into that. Once you start going to more bar rooms in Boston, You'll see that some of them run for years and some of them run for 90 days. If they're not profitable, they get shut down.

That's the bottom line. I don't care how fucking funny you are. Okay, I put you in here on Wednesday night because it's my slow night. I can get fucking three gay guys with rainbows to do karaoke here and pack the fucking place. I'm just allergic to HIV. You'll hear everything.

So they'll put you in on a Wednesday night and you can be the funniest person in the world. if you don't deliver fucking I'm sorry the gun got stuck in my tooth and my tongue wouldn't pop it if you don't deliver

it's going to get canceled yeah how can we do this right and and not like that that part is going to be interesting because I've already talked to a couple people about starting some shows

and it's that like you kind of turn into like a mini talent coordinator when you're putting a show together. But that's a complete different situation. All right. Don't don't. That's the same thing. That's your friends and who you know. You're going to give rooms to the people that have rooms, that they have something going on. You're trying to build something. And then comics get the hint. Some are going to get mad at you. You know, you're going to get those guys that are doing Andy Kaufman's act. And every night they get everything but hit by tomatoes. And they're going to tell you that they deserve to be on your show.

you know if you but if you have a restaurant you always have an out the owner okay the owner doesn't like this type of comedy the owner doesn't like this i could probably use that with that like any like a bar too yeah yeah that's always the out for you so you're not the bad guy you know it's it's it's a great thing to coordinate but you don't want to do it forever no and that's what you don't want to have a big lineup a mistake I made. I'd rather host pay a headliner like a good

feature and then put two people in between that. I got 10 minutes and you do the rest. So, four or five people? Not four or five people, three or four. Four to most. You, a guest

set, a strong 20 and a strong 45. Oh, got it, okay. And you get the fuck out of there And everybody gets love And nobody gets their feelings, sir And you tell them, I only put one newcomer every month Every show, seven minutes

Right And there's a hook on the corner of the stage So if you don't do good, that hook's going to come out And drag you by the fucking ankle Holy shit I would love to hook some people sometimes Well, don't be, you don't want to hook nobody Because that means

I don't want to dump the hook you Cuck sucker. That's fair. I'd love to be able to give people the hook. But they're going to give you. Right, yeah. Giving them the hook. And that's a big hook. You got to have three little fidgets out there pulling you up.

Just got off the bus from Texas. Hey, there's been times I wish I had a hook. Take done on me. What do you got going on this week, comedy-wise? This week, I was actually kind of proud of myself. I didn't have anything this week. And then, like, last week I reached out to a couple of the shows that I've done.

So on Wednesday, so tomorrow I'm doing Capo, which is like a famous show around here. And that's a nice Italian restaurant and selfie. And then on Thursday, I'm at the shortstop bar and grill in Westfield, Thursday night in Western Mass. And that's it for us. I really enjoyed my 10 spots down there. Yeah.

Because we were talking and we were asking and we were all over the place it was great to see the evolution it was great to I didn't even finish about the book because I had resistance Tuesday night like I was like I don't know if I want to do this anymore right before I got on the first show wow why do I myself I go what do I do you know why do I put myself in this position I got to follow Tony Hinch clip and all this shit I could see if I was working out every night But this is brutal when you don't do it. And then in the middle of all that, I was like, Joey, you still got it?

Because you're scared. Oh, you were like happy about it? Yeah. Then I was like, okay, let them loose. And it was tough getting my footing. And then once I got the footing, I just took it. And it was beautiful. It was a great night there.

I couldn't do like the fourth set on. The third set on Thursday was wrong. one of the nights I did four sets and that last set was a little brutal for me like I felt it was the reason I didn't like doing you know the seven the nine and the midnight show all those feelings came I don't know where I'm at I don't know where the fuck I'm at so I'm not doing that anymore from now and I'm just doing two shows on Tuesday the two shows on Wednesday and two on Thursday and two shows on Wednesday and two on Thursday and I'm I'll get the fuck out of it because that I don't like. And I was thinking back to the comedy store. I was so strict about it at the comedy store that I would walk out. People come up to me and go, hey, we have a spot open in the belly room. And I go, no, I just shot a load in the original room.

And I just shot a bigger load in the fucking big room, which I got an envelope for. You know, I'm tired. I'm done. I got to go up there now and fuck around. with eight people and a lesbian I got to sit there and play the drums and, you know, I'll work out tomorrow night. Was there a time though that you wanted? Yeah. Oh, I would do every set around the fucking block.

People would call me and I'd run to Ivar. There was a club on Ivar. Remember Ivar? In Hollywood. Yeah. When I first got there, somebody, a girl booked Ivar. She booked the rock acts or something like that.

Okay. And dog, she would call the comedy store three times a week in 97. And the phone girl, or you're over and go, can you be at the Ivar by 930? It pays, hold on. What does it pay? $75 for 10 minutes. Fuck, yeah, I'll be at the Ivar. I'll be there in five minutes.

Right. I'll run something over. So we would shoot to the Ivar. So I would go to the comedy store, do the original room. No, I'm lying to you altogether because there was no early spot for me that. I'd be at the original room if I didn't go to one of the Mexican rooms. Right. The Ivar was only Friday, Saturdays, and Sundays at that time.

So I knew to lurk by the phone. And she would call on Sandy to Comic for 915, one for 1015, and one for 1015, and one for 1115. and I would shoot and do the 915 and then she would go come back for 1115 and pick up another $75 and I would go do my spots at the store come back and then get back over that and this is no Uber

there was no fucking Uber there was no 10 speed bicycle Oh you didn't even have a car yourself I had a car some nights I didn't And all depend where I ended up the night before So what would you do Just have someone drive you?

Yeah, cut somebody in for $10, $15, $15, and a line of Coke. Let's go. I'll give you a small 20. I'm picking up $75, you know. Let me see if I get you five minutes and $20. Do you miss any of that? Or do you like, what you're doing three or four sets and then, yeah. When you're out, you're out.

It's like if you're there for 10 hours and they offer you, you might as well stay for the 14 unless your dog is dying. Speaking of your dog dying, hold on one second. I got to cut half time here and talk to you fucking savages about Draft Kings. We'll be back. Hey, it's Uncle Joey here from the checking. I want to talk to you about Draft Kings. You know I love Draft Kings.

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were prohibited. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash promos. We're back, bitches. Anyway, what were you talking about? You don't even know what the fuck. I have no idea what the fuck we were talking about before this. I didn't. I don't know what I'm talking about life. Oh, I know what I got to talk to you about, man. What's that? Knew I had to talk to you about something.

So my friend picks me up Friday at the airport. This is a child friend of mine. I mean, this is a child that you could be. He lived around the corner from Young, giving that terrorist, Sabatino. Okay. My man Sab picks me up, and we get in the fucking car, you know, listen to music, crack in stupid jokes.

And I go to him again, have you heard from our buddy? And he goes, no. He goes, he did friend me on Facebook, but he hasn't returned to any of my messages. And I go, that's fucked up. You know, this is our friend that we pretty much grew up with. And in 81, 82, I lived with him for about six months. And then I went to Colorado.

That was it. Like our friendship kind of got weird. But there's a lot more to the story. But you know what's crazy about life, man? And I want to tell you guys, I haven't spoken to that guy face-to-face in 30 years. Right? Jesus. And in the last five, I got them to say one thing to me on Facebook.

Because I kept hitting this friend of mine up for years going, hey, man, thinking about you, you know, if there's anything we could do to repair this, you know, what needs to be done to get our friendship back. You know, all of us need each other. He would never reply. You know, I reached out there when my other friend died. from our favorite crew nothing you know it's just weird so we're talking about them on the way home and i fucking get home i put my luggage away i take a shower i come down i look on fucking facebook and i got a message from his sister-in-law he died thursday night oh no and it's so weird like friday morning it didn't bother me you know i was with mercy and busy doing what i was doing

And then Saturday at the softball game, it really started to creep in on me, like all the stories I tell him on here. All the, I told, you know, and it's so weird. I did Theo's podcast last week. And I told him. I hung out with Fernie at a time when I had every reason in the world to give up on life. when we were tight from because he slept at my mother's house before my mother died.

My mother made us all breakfast and he told me, that was a great fucking steak your mom made. He always go, your mom made a good steak. So I knew Fernie maybe, oh, I knew Fernie in the eighth grade. I played basketball against Fernie. He went to Lincoln, I went to McKinley.

And then we became friendly freshman year and then we became tight sophomore. We became tighter junior year. And by the beginning of senior year, when I quit, we were inseparable. Me, him, Glenn, and Roger. That's all we were, you know, we breathe for one another. And those were times, like I said, it was the early 80s. Nobody was, nobody had a butler in their home.

You know, everybody's father worked a lot of hours, shit like that. It wasn't like, you know, you got home at three from school when your dad was outside mowing the lawn. and were in a good mood, you know. So it was just, but I still remember that in 82, I robbed the jewelry store, and he wasn't involved by no means. He was working.

But when the heat fell on me, I had a, he drove me to the airport. So the night before, when we were getting the news that the cops were looking for me, we all said, look, it's better for you to take a flight. we'll drive you in the morning. I'll never forget this. That morning, we were driving to the airport.

We didn't say a word to pretty much each other. But the funny thing about that flight was, when I got out of that car, I was no longer a kid anymore. I was 90 years old, and the game had ended. And I came back and gave it another six or seven months, but it had ended.

We weren't kids no more. the party was over. Him and I went all the way till April of 83, and I was 20, 21. He was 21. We were deeper than adults. We got in deeper to life. Some adults, and I feel bad.

But, you know, after 30 years, I didn't talk to him or anything. I fucking cried. And it's like, you know, I talked to him yesterday. I had a rough day, Saturday, Saturday. Today I'm a little better. Tomorrow night's... I'm sorry? Yeah, tomorrow's the wake from 5 to 8,

and then Wednesday I can't make the funeral. Let's see what goes on here tomorrow. And I'll decide tomorrow, 4 o'clock. I'll make a night of it. I'll go get a bite the heat. Stop by my nieces, maybe. And then go... But, you know, I don't think his mom is going to be happy to see me.

Oh, no. Yeah, she was a long time ago, though, right? Yeah, in 1983. It was 40 years ago. I think if you're going there to pay your respects, you're not going to go there and be an asshole. I think she'll be happy to see you. The corner, bring an envelope,

go up, say it in our father, say, I'm sorry, and walk out. I mean, a bunch of my friends are going to be there. I spoke to, like, two or three or four of them that said, they're going to go tomorrow night. Let's see what happens. The shitty part about getting up. It doesn't seem to get easier either. Well, once people start dying, like I said,

listen, when you're 50, you start thinking about God. You know, you don't think about God when you get your dick sucked. You don't think about God when you're at the fucking Burke Christch concert jumping up and down. You know, nobody thinks. about God. The minute you turn 50, like two days later, like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

After you eat the cake and everybody gets hammed and everybody you know, you open up your fucking gifts, you're like, whoa, I just turned 50 years old. I made it through 30. I OD twice, you know, I got this, I got that. I'm not saying me.

I'm just saying as a human being. You go, now I hit 50. It's time. I got to do this. I got to put some more religion in my life. You know, you... Man, those edibles hit me now. Oh, yeah. But they hit me hard.

When I first took them to... I had to sit on the chair. What did you do? I had to sit in 30 seconds, 1,200. It's a light night. You know what I'm saying? I just took a handful and said, fuck it.

I drank a protein shake. I don't even know what that called anymore, but it was good. And that's it. I'm ready for the week. I have no comedy this week. I don't know what I'm doing this week yet. I'm a free agent. That's awesome.

But I'm good ideas. So I've been writing some jokes, something. Shit that pertains to me finally. Nice. So, like, like some more stories? Mm-hmm. Or just jokes based on stuff going on? Okay.

Based on stuff going on, you know. That's awesome. You know, the activities that I do. Nobody really knows about the 1,200 other activities. It's funny. I went to dinner. I didn't go to the dinner last night. I was hungry and I went to get a sandwich.

Okay. And I saw a crazy guy from the area that I really like. He's a fucking great guy. He's the first guy ever that's pulling me aside and didn't want a picture. He came up. Like you want to say? No, he's like, listen, I got to talk to you about something. I'm from the neighborhood.

I know the same people you know. I see you. I see this guy. I see Joe Rogan. All he's talking about edibles. I buy edibles around here and they suck. Is there any way you can help me out? I have money.

I can pay you. I'll do anything you want. He gave me a business card and the company he owns. I said, you come back next Tuesday night. I'll bring you. a little fucking present. He looked at me. I showed up with an ABX,

like 15 of them. 200 milligrams. I don't even want to start them small. I want to let him know who's running things. You know what I'm saying? I gave me. I just kept him on one. I go, just take one tonight, you know, blah, blah. Really? I usually eat three or four.

Listen, just one. Just one. And the next time I saw him is like, man, I was fucked up for two days. So listen, I see him yesterday at this place. And I go, you're not eating? He's like, nah. I came down there and get some juice and stuff from my mom, whatever. I go, how come you're not eating?

You always eat? And he's like, you don't want to know. He started taking the sweatshirt. He had fucking needle marks. Like, he went to the doctor. They took blood out. And they couldn't find the vein. and they say he's got too much sugar.

He got to go on a diet. And I go, what's going on to me? He goes, what's going on with me? It's those edibles you gave me. I can't stop eating that night. I got no control. He goes, he goes, they said they got diabetes too. Whatever the fuck.

Oh, no. Oh, you can't just give someone a 200? Oh, my God. He ate himself in a diabetes. I had to give up sugar altogether. He goes, so I'm on a new diet. I got new options. I go, listen.

You need to eat edible? He goes, no, they got sugar in them. I go, not my edibles, they don't. He goes, really? I go, no, he goes, I got three of them left. I might go, him and take one now. So, all the shit. About eating.

I go, listen, I eat them too. I eat like four or five. He just looked at me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This guy was complaining about every other edible not working. He took one and ate so much candy that he gave himself diabetes.

And like it sounds like under a mom. No, no, no, no. Every time I see him now, this has been four years. Oh, okay. To me, it sounds like you gave it to him on a Monday. In three weeks, he was walking around with a, like, a sugar monitor or something. He's a professional. He's a professional from day one. I give him laughing gas. We exchange chocolate mushrooms. He gives me shrooms.

You know how we do, player. Some of the moral days over, you can't wear boots or white no-n-them. I don't even know. I don't give a fuck. I wear what I wear since day one. Do you wear all white? I have to wear all white. I'm Cuban, but I wear it when I wear it.

Sometimes I bust it out in the winter. The problem with white shoes are people going to step on your shoes. Like, I would never invest in a white pair like shoes, shoes, shoes. And I'm not going to no Mamba contest. Why would I have white shoes on for? I'm not going to Atlantic City. You know what I'm saying? People were in Atlantic City when I was a kid that always wear white shoes.

Fuck. I never I could never pull that off. No, but I like like white shorts with white sneakers and a white t-shirt. You go down the shore. You're on a balcony. It's kind of cool out there. You're hitting the breeze. Okay.

The soul. You know what I'm saying? Get back to nature. I know you were talking shit about it earlier, but like, do you miss going to the Jersey Shore like this time of year? No. Nothing. You know, I'm just thinking about something. The Ku Klux Klan. got fucking white sheets.

Go on. The KKK got white sheets, right? Okay. Who else has white sheets that hatred? There's somebody else. I think the KKK might have that. I don't know. But maybe you should have those white parties.

See? Yeah. I am. It's a bad color. You're backtrusting now. I got my Quincy fucking, you know, I used to watch detective shows and I was a kid. I took notes.

And real detective, not these half of fags, not I don't. I used to fucking watch a fat dude and nobody ever shot him. This guy was like 600 pounds. Can it? A waste of a bullet? No, you couldn't. Why would? He was 600 pounds.

So if you shot him like four times but on TV you couldn't hit him. He would always do like a little thing and the bullet would go around them. And I would go, that's so much bullshit. I wish it was like that. I know. Anyway,

what are we talking about? We're talking about ditty things, but anyway, who cares about that? I was just thinking about that white sheets. I was Memorial Day, yeah. I got to open up for Kim Congton last week.

It was awesome. How was that? It was great. It was great to see her. Like, it's just cool. She's beautiful. She is,

but she also. I want to grow up, and it's fucking beautiful for me. Yeah, there were a lot of people there. There was a really, cool place. And it was just cool because she put out a special this year.

So it's like she like a bunch ahead of me. But it's just cool to see like, oh, maybe at some point I'll be doing. Oh, she was doing that five years before you started, six years. Yeah. And she was already at the debt at the store when you started. And she was already a legend with Rose Battle. So. Yeah.

No, she's it. She's great. And it's, I'm not correcting you. I understand where you. you're coming from because you got a good heart, you do have a very good heart for comedy, and that's what's going to get you fought or anything is that even on the phone,

you'd say these things to me about Kim and how you're happy to see her because you know, that's you if you keep working. Yeah, it's just cool to see. If you were coming from a different direction, there's a lot of people go, you know, I got that. And those are the people that you'll never see growing comedy. That's the number one thing.

don't keep it to yourself or you have a friend because you don't ever want to think you're going crazy. Is it bad for me to think? I'm not looking at it like I deserve it. I'm just looking at it like I'm going to see what the path would be.

I wish you would have lived in L.A. with me when I got to 97. The calls you would get at night would be like, Lee, I just went down to the store. I'm not going to tell you the guy's name. He just walked in there with agent, manager,

theatrical agent, you know, the attorney, in other words, Jew, Jew, Jew, you know, just walked in the

they're back there sitting there and this guy goes up there doesn't even get a laugh. Jesus. In front of 80 people. And Fox is here in Paramount. They're bidding over his fucking pilot. And I can't

get a fucking gig to feature. Is it me, Joey? Do you know what I'm saying? Right, yeah. That's when it fucks me up. Like, that's when I would call you

and go, I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I should just move home with my mother and work in a bagel store. I would get those all the time from people and like, you know, and I go, what's up? And they're like, I was at the improv tonight. This fucking guy's been in three movies. He was

bombing up there. The only applause he got was when he walked up to the stage because he'd been in movies. And here I am fucking killing it. And I had to wait eight after him. And by the time he got off, he walked 18 people. Is it me, Joey? And I don't know.

I suffered with that the first two years in L.A. Like, I'm ripping it up at this place. And you guys are telling me no. Like what? What is going on? Oh, you look old. You're dirty. You know.

but when the ticket started sound, I don't look old and dirty, did I? Yeah, got, got, got, got, got, got, got, got. So that's when you learn that it's all about tickets. Right. You know, the other day, but guys like you and I come from pride, I would never want to win something and to be kicked in there because I know, logically, in 10 years,

I saw it too much. And I saw this in the very beginning, too. I always told people I never wanted to be a star of a TV show. I want to be part of a cast. What's the difference to you? I'd rather be number six. Nobody even knows who I am. They're too busy looking at Brad Pitt.

And just get a couple of funny lines in? A couple funny lines, couple funny scenes in the back welding are safe. And I'm picking up a check for $25,000. You're laughing me all you want, bitch. And I'm doing stand up on the off season. Right. Oh, yeah. And that's the way it used to be.

Example, what's the show you like when we started working? Orange is the new black? No, that's to show your girlfriend liked. The one, it used to be the office. Right. Oh, yeah. Parks and Rock. Parks and Rec.

Okay, yeah. Parks and Rec, if you look at half that, those people in that show, they were all with three yards. That's a brilliant manager. That's a manager who says, we're going to get you on a show. Listen, whatever, two, three lines a week, standing there looking around for birds.

It's going to give you 25 large a week. If it gets picked up, 32, if it gets picked up, 42, if it gets picked up, 60, and if it gets picked up, 85, and a $15 million whatever for you to do three lines. That's what people don't know at home.

Right. They're like, he ain't no star. That motherfucker just got three lines. Think about it again. It's the number one show, right? Parks and Rec was a good show. But there have a lot of people, you know, I think all of them are three yards.

They package. That's called packaging. Right. That's the way you take care of your clients. everybody works at once. You write a role for everybody. You know the head writer, the assistant to the assistant. You know the guy who cleans the fucking toilets.

And they get a percentage from everybody on the show. Like a fucking doctor. And it's legal as fuck. Every week. Che-ching for those five years and that syndication money, Che-ching. And you as a comic could sit back at home, do two sets a week.

at the store, write jokes in the dressing room while you're rehearsing. And as soon as that season ends, you go on the road. You give it, whatever the fuck you give it, those six weeks, you put together a half hour, you already had a half hour that you've written at the store. And when that show starts, either at the beginning of that show, that season two starts, release a special or at the end of season two. Just when people thought you were dead, boom, you drop a fucking special.

And now the progression goes. It's a comic. And you're not on the road, 82 weeks of the year. So you're always fresh. And you just to go back to what you said earlier, about like, oh, are my doing something wrong? Like, I was thinking about this. What percentage of making it, like, being a successful comic?

is comedy. It seems like there's a lot of other stuff that goes into it. Is comedy even 50% of it? It goes through fads. There was a time when I started with, I just grew up on Joan Rivers and a bunch of men and Lucille Ball. But Lucille Ball wasn't a stand-up. Then it transitioned to, you know,

good-looking women and good-looking men. And you had, like, Whoopi Goldberg that did, like, a one-woman show and Sandra Barnhart and everything. When I got to Hollywood, wasn't about that. By the time I got there was about the good looking 25 year old. That's what they were looking for. Okay. And they kept pushing it, but you can't find somebody seasoned at 25 as mature to look, to get what you're looking for. Are you with me there? Yeah, absolutely.

So they tried with that and then, I don't know, YouTube, all these things helped comics that look like me do something. people are finally listening we didn't fit the bill for Comedy Central we didn't that's what it was Comedy Central had an agenda and and if you've seen like all the stations down now you they really have an agenda oh yeah you got a and I'm not insulting anybody by no means you know I you have a better chance making it as an Indian 26 year old in Hollywood than somebody white right now because they're going to put you on every show of your Indian now. You're going to be on every TV show.

And I don't mean this despairingly at all or in a bad way. I'm just going with the odds right now. It's them, African Americans. They sprinkle a couple of Puerto Ricans in there and Cuba just to keep everybody happy and Mexicans.

I mean, did you ever accentuate like the Diaz or like try to get like not like obviously you deserve your roles, but like, you know, accentuate like you're Hispanic. Have I ever accentuated that I'm Hispanic, except on the podcast? No, not on the podcast.

I'm talking about, like, in acting. It's never been about... No, no, now you're... And what actor, what movie's going to hire me to play Juan Carlos in fucking Narcos? Look at me.

Look at me. Yeah, but they couldn't... It's just good to have the name on the thing, don't you think or no? What name? You don't have to play a Spanish character. You could just be... a Spanish actor in this movie.

Let me ask you something. Are you putting me on? Are you here the fucking Monday night? I'm starting to week off on a good foot. I come on here once a week with you. And the most of the thing you start asking me these tortures question. Listen, Lee, 23 years, I never booked a Latin roll. And the one I did, I got fired for. So what are we talking about here? I don't know. I was just wondering.

The other one was the Felipe one when I played the sheriff with the fake mustache. And the beard was falling on. You know, it's, it didn't fit my agenda. I didn't fit their agenda for that. And once I got pigeonholed into the mob, baker, pizza maker, garbage man, that was it. Nobody wants me over in the line. I would love to have been in like a nice Cuban movie or something.

Right. It really spoke some shit on there and showed my Cuban comedy, but that never happened. Am I bitter about or angry? No, not at all. I got everything else I wanted. So I didn't get that big fucking deal. And he never know.

Listen, man, I spoke to a dear friend of my last night. He called out of the blue. This guy ain't working. I ain't working. He's finishing up this movie now. The accountant, too. Okay. And after that, he's got nothing for the summer.

And this guy doesn't get calls to work on Tuesday. people send him scripts and interview him and ask him if he wants to roll it's a three-month process so basically as of last night he was off for the fucking summer and it does he not like that no he knows what's going on right now in hollywood it's just quiet they're expecting a strike in july you know yeah for the stage hands okay so i don't know if people not pulling the trigger because of that or people not pulling the trigger because they're not pulling the trigger right now. I think they're only shooting one or two pilots.

But yeah, but the one thing I did like about Austin again by going down there, Lee, I like running in that circle. Yeah. Well, not that circle. I love running in that energy. I loved going to the sunset room.

The comics I saw there and the comics I spoke to there were fucking great. It was fun, you know. No time. But I was in and out of there. And the fucking mother, the mothership, the staff is great. Like you feel at home. The security is great.

Everything's short distance. You know, like I said to you, I see Theo walk in and he's going up. And also, an inchcliff is following him. And they're like, when is Joey going on? And he's like, before me, after Inchcliffe. And I'm like, I need this. You know, I haven't been in this league for four years. This is Tuesday at the store in Tripoli's room all over again.

Right. And I told you, because I, they kept posting videos, which are awesome on Instagram. And when you would bring up Joe, you would like, there's a deep breath. Like, like, a huge breath. Like, and I asked you about it. I was like, what, like, you just, it seems so, like, relaxed up there. You know, when the bell goes off Friday at 5 o'clock and you've been fucking digging through fucking tunnels all week for the cartel

so they could get that Coke through to the United States, once that bell rings at 5, and I've never dug a tunnel. But I do know when you work hard and you just want to go home, And it's Friday at 5. You could taste a beer in your mouth. It's been 100 degrees all day. You got dust and nails and peanuts. You ate a scorpion, you know.

And fucking that feeling of going, I did it. I did five days this week. I didn't die in here. And I get home to go home and spend the weekend with my family. I wasn't leaving. I was just lucky I did the 15 minutes, man. you know how fortunate I feel do you have any idea

I mean if anybody knows my demeanor more than anybody is you so you know how grateful I am how grateful I am that at 61 I'm not on a ship you know going through customs and I can't bring my fucking fountain pen with me and you can't smoke a joy in it

except if you go to La Guadalajara I'm very fortunate that I'm not doing you know the third tier comedy clubs to support my family and I'm leaving for three weeks at the time when the daughter's 14, 13

when she really needs me here you know I'm very grateful for all those things and it's like I told people did I like comedy or did I like the money right and that whole thing we went through in L.A. I forgot I forgot.

Guilty. If I've ever been guilty of anything, I was guilty that I just wanted to go on the road for the money. I did care about my audiences and I did go out that it'd be the best I could be. But that's what it became. And I didn't want it to become that. I wanted myself to go down there,

to get on a plane for three and a half hours and back once a month. That meant more to me. So every time I get on that stage and get off, it's big. And is it, like, I understand that it's a lot of work, but is there all, like, do you feel like satisfied after? Like, if you're doing well, like, we go, like, it just. I feel satisfied whether I bomb, whether I do five, or whether I do 10.

Because I still have that ability to call somebody I was in the trenches with and go, hey, I'm coming down. and him go, come on down. You got six shows, you know. They feed me. They take care of me. And I get to do what I really wanted to do from the beginning of this. I'm watching it more and more.

It's not, and with comics, it's not more and more. It's not mental health anymore. It's the same thing I was going through. They forgot what they were fighting for. And it's tough, guys, it's tough, especially when you're out in L.A. It's very tough to remember what you were fighting for. And this must happen in every fucking,

whether you're a lawyer or a stockbroker, you start making a little cash, people start fucking shining your shoes. Everybody wants to smoke a cigarette with you. Everybody wants you on their yachts. You forget what your mission was. And our mission was just to be, funny, number one,

and number two, to be happy as comics. That's it. That's it. But how can you be happy when you're a feature act in Oklahoma and you get offstage and you work

in a hardware store all week and you fucking do comedy on the weekends and this couple comes up to you and go, hey man, when is your Netflix special going to come out? How uncomfortable is that? person feel that young comic he's he's stuck he's got a family he's got a wife he's got a kid

that guy's happy where he's at right he's static where he's at he could go home and go yeah for two minutes you go i wish i didn't have that kid my fucking wife i beat that a minute but as you're saying that you regret it because you're where you want to be so what you have is make it work for you. If this is the best

to your ability, make it work for you. And this is the best of my ability. I've told you that when we started the podcast. Everything. In January, I do what's the best to my ability now. If you're a young comic, don't listen to me. Your rules are completely

different. You've got to be out there every night mugging fucking people. Right. Tabbing people and getting on stage. Don't listen to me. I'm way beyond that shit. But I know, and I respect it. Fuck yeah. I know it and I respect it.

I mean, we have talks after you're open mics. Oh yeah, I always call you after my set. I don't want to talk to you. I wouldn't pick up the fucking phone and ask you how to go. Right. I want you to tell me that guy farted. It wasn't the best set you ever had. You tried that joke, but it didn't work. You know, that's what... It's so funny how...

I got a call from a friend months ago, and this was a very therapeutic call. Okay. Because this put a lot into pilot the bombardier, which was going on with me. He contacted me one day and we're talking. He goes, man, do you know anybody who's going on the road who could take me?

You know, and I go, bro. What these young guys don't understand is that it's a package deal. You follow me? Just how comedy, just how TV is a package deal? Sometimes comedy is a package deal. My manager has a comic that isn't a headliner. Well, he is a headliner, but he's not drawing yet.

Go on the road with Joey, take $2,000 pay cut, and draw an audience. Go out there, take pictures, be likable, go to restaurants. Wherever Joey goes, go. You know, and a lot of young comics don't understand that. You know, we're in L.A. You see what L.A. is like. I'm at the comedy store. There's 10 dog guys that are hungry

and they're ready to kill somebody for you. You know what I'm saying? It's very tough to give somebody an opportunity in Cincinnati, not because you don't like that person because you're sitting here with somebody who's really fucking struggling right now. And he's not in Cincinnati. You are and you probably got a day job

and you live at home with your mom. So no disrespect to you. At no level, I'm just saying this guy is in the bowels of fucking death right now. You saw those guys. You went to the store of me 200 fucking times. Yeah. No, and it's a lot of it's who you're friends with. A lot of people bring their friends on the road with them.

You got to feel comfortable. It's nothing personally. No. So when this guy asked, I knew what he was looking for. But I said, I go, I'm not doing anything. anything. I don't know what to do, blah, blah, blah. I go, well, listen. Because I would say this to anybody who was 50 and didn't know what to do. Either it's a hobby. Yeah, but I really love it. Then go on a ship. Oh, man, I don't know. Then you don't really love it.

Right. Listen, I would have gone on a ship for a week. But they ain't a ship that's going to let me on there. I'll walk that whole fucking ship. You know what I'm saying? Just on principle. All I got to do is sit at one of those eateries where all the fucking chubby people go with the flip-bop with the diabetic toe and just take notes. I'll do an hour on fucking, that's it.

And they won't even know that they would squawed me out in the helicopter. Oh, we don't want you back on the ship. We don't want you back where we port. We don't want you back 50, miles from my fucking neighborhood. How's that for you? No, I couldn't do it. But the ship is listening. It's three spots a night.

Yeah. Tell me you want to do comedy. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to give you an opportunity to do two clean sets and one dirty or vice versa. One 18 and under and one fucking spot. You're up there jizzing on fucking beside that venture. What do you want to do? Well, I know.

I want to be in clubs. I was a headliner. So that ship sailed. And like for, I'm not, trust me, I'm not applying to be on a cruise today. But for someone like a feature comic, to me, I know, I know like the stigma that comes with the cruise ships. But if I could do two to three shows a night for six months to a year, if I use the sets correctly, like I could have like hours of material. Hey, listen, after the war goes, we'll get on an Israeli ship to tap dance. I'll have your tap dancing on one end

doing jokes on the other and on the bottom part you'll be hosting the banquets you'll be a star within a year you know what I'm saying? I don't think the Israelis have a cruise ship company Yes they do It's called the golden diamond The blood diamond that's what it's called

The blood diamond It goes to like three places Jerusalem Jerusalem All right so where are you going to be this week Tiny Tim? I'm going to be at Capo on Wednesday and Thursday I'm going to be at the shortstop bar and grill.

I got to be honest with you. I have no idea what we discussed this whole podcast. The fucking power went out. I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened to first half, volume one, volume two. It's just one of those fucking Mondays. I forgot to give a chicken to the saint to that. I knew I fucked up.

What the fuck? Your edibles are good. Huh? Your edibles are good. What are you going to do? Listen, what do you want from me? You know what I'm saying? I look the lifestyle.

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