The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - PRACTICING ORGANIZED SAVAGERY | #237 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: April 3, 2023

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT.....   It's Monday, April 3, 2023…   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!    Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH    This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings & The Freeze Pipe…   DRAFTKINGS   New customers can bet $5 on a pre-fight moneyline & get $150 in bonus bets if their fighter wins. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & use code JOEY.   Call [phone] or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA), Gambling Problem? Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (CO/IL/IN/LA/MD/MI/NJ/OH/PA/TN/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (KS/NH), 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), visit OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA).   21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/LA(select parishes)/MA/MD/MI /NH /NJ/ NY/OH/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. VOID IN ONT. Eligibility restrictions apply. Bonus bets (void in MA/NH/OR): Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 pre-fight moneyline bet. Bet must win. $150 issued as six (6) $25 bonus bets. Bonus Bets are non-cashable and cannot be withdrawn. Bonus bets must be wagered 1x and stake is not included in any returns or winnings. Bonus Bets expire 7 days (168 hours) after being awarded. Promotional offer period ends 5/28/23 at 11:59PM ET. See terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/mmaterms.    THE FREEZE PIPE Support the show and get 10% off with the code DIAZ at https://TheFreezepipe.com   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don't forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps #RocketMoney   The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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New customers. $5 on a pre-fight money line and get $150 in bonus bets if the fighter wins. This Saturday, a Draft King Sportsbook with code Joey, J-O-E-Y. Minimmon age and eligibility restrictions apply. See show notes for details. Now, without further ado, let's get this fucking party started. What's happened, you savages, it's Monday, April the 3rd. The first quarter of the year is gone.

I hope you got something accomplished. time is moving fucking fast, Jack. I don't even know where the fuck is going half the time. But think about it. The first quarter is gone. Now we got the second quarter which runs until fucking June. And we got to really pick it up then because the third quarter is the summertime. People lax.

See, while you people lax in the summer, savages like me would go to work because I knew everybody else was fucking creeping while you're sleeping. But then you got the fourth quarter, which is fucking September and guys, October. And that's when you got to go for broke. You got to end the fucking year strong. But the first quarter is already gone. I did not know this. Listen, guys, you know, you just live for the day sometimes.

So you don't even pay attention. Even though I'm Patreon every morning, I go, hey, it's Monday to 27th. Hey, it's, you just don't even realize it's April fucking 1st on Saturday. And you don't realize that it's April 8th next Saturday. And it just, and the fucking hits keep coming. You know what I'm saying? But listen, it's how you look at it. I'm excited about Easter.

It's fucking Holy Week this week. This week always fucks with me a little bit. First off, we're going to get fucked with a lot because my daughter has no school as of Wednesday. Wednesday, half day, Thursday, no school, Friday, no school, and all next week, no fucking school. So that changes me right away.

Spring fucking break, people are jumping up and down. But Holy Week, dog, every time I think like yesterday, came to me on Palm Sunday. I was at the Little League field and I seen people drive around all the palms. I'm like, holy fuck. It's Palm Sunday.

Am I slipping as a Catholic? I forgot all about it. And then next week is fucking Easter. I did give up meat on Fridays and I stuck to it. You know, I fucking stuck to it. The one Friday I cheated was because the Pope said you could eat corned beef.

So I just had a little piece of corned beef. You know, I'm not going to go to hell for that, but you got to do what you got to do. You work all fucking year to eat one. piece of corn beef and now Good Friday wants to get in the way and I was in. I was all fucking in until the Pope gave out the message you could eat fried meat

today so I said fuck it if the Pope thinks it's okay Uncle Joe you run with it but man I think about like how did I end up a fucking think how did I end up a fucking criminal with my upbringing because on these weeks when I lived in

New York City before New Jersey before Catholic school I fucking hate it this time of the year because my mom, as crazy as she was, she gave up drinking this week, which is never a good fucking sign. My mom didn't give up drinking for Lent. No, no, no, no.

She just gave up Holy Week. Semana Santa. That's what it's called in Spanish. You got to respect. Fuck that giving up alcohol for Lent. Lent's got enough problems for you to give up alcohol. But my mom gave it up, my mom gave up alcohol. Fucking Holy Week.

And I'd be like, what the fuck? I couldn't work her for money. I couldn't work it when she was drunk. and ask her for stupid shit when she was passed out. So my life was a fucking nightmare. And then Thursdays at about 6 o'clock, that Thursday before, it's the last supper Thursday night. Yeah.

The last supper, once you eat dinner in a Cuban's house, that's it. No TV Thursday night. No music. You got to sit there like a fucking dope. Yeah. And then Friday, there ain't shit. There ain't no music and no TV all day. Saturday she let me watch.

one Dara and you know fucking the rabbit whatever peep peep and all that shit just before I killed myself and then Sunday you were back to watch TV and do whatever the fuck you want it but I hate it this week but think about it why the fuck did all that religion go in my life because I didn't do anything with it I mean listen am I religious I'm a real religious person which means what I know who the fuck I am and I know where I stand if you think I'm gonna go to church every Sunday and sit in the first fucking pew with nice people. Look at me in the first pew with a basket,

getting money from people. I'm not doing that. I love whatever's out there. I believe in God. I believe in everything that they talk about. You know, I have a special whatever. I go to church two or three times a year. I always hit 7.30 masks

because I ain't got time to sit there for an hour and a half. Jesus knows about time when you get old. He's an OG. He knows. And I go to confess. confession once a year. You know, I might step up and get a cookie. If I had a good week and I don't feel guilty, I'll go up and get a cookie.

You know, you can confess to yourself, but it's fucking crazy that, you know, I did that for those three years or four years when I was a kid. I don't know how long. Then I went to Catholic school. And I still believe, I still, you know, but in the other side of that coin, what about me? What all the things I did? You know, one thing that stuck out of my mind about church and stuff that, I got turned off to church in the way that I believed it, I enjoyed it.

I liked the priest. I liked the nun. I never got bothered. I never got molested. I never, you know, I never got creeped out or anything like that. I always liked it. It was my experience with Catholic school was a rough one. Fucking going to church at 7 in the morning with nothing in your stomach for an hour.

Oh, my God. And you're fucking hungry and it's cold. That was not for me. But I think as I got older, you know, things happened and I stopped going to church. When I moved to Boulder, when I got out of, no, before I got locked up, the guy who put the time into me, Ray King, God bless, God rest his fucking soul. It was like, listen, it would be a good idea if you got in with the church group and, you know, just talk to the priest a little bit, try to get a letter of recommendation from him. Now, guys, I'm not a fucking hypocrite. But at the same time, I go, let me go down there and talk to this guy.

I was trying to fill a void in my life. So I was go, let me go down and talk to this priest. And the priest's name was Father Tom. I'll never forget this. This guy, as soon as I walked in here, we just started talking to my jersey and food and fucking the Bronx. And I don't even think he was from the East Coast. And he just, you know, he won me over. So I set up meetings with him.

And I would go every fucking weekend. And we'd talk about Goodfellas. We'd talk about movies. We talk about shoot-em-up stuff, you know? And I got a little bit involved. I made my confirmation. I made my confirmation when I was like 30 years old because I was so fucking lost.

And I started going on Sundays. I'm not going to lie to you. I started hitting church. You know, I thought it would help a little bit before prison. You know, prayer helps, you know, whatever. I don't fucking know, guys. I was so fucking lost. And but then I used to sell Chrysler's in Boulder.

and this is really weird. A guy came in one day to buy a convertible. And with a woman, I just said hello to him. I started talking to him. And one thing led to another. We started talking about a church. And he knew my father-in-law at the time, you know, Ray, who was like a great guy in town.

And we started talking about Ray, blah, blah, blah. But I noticed that when I started talking about Ray, he started, you know, he got a little fishy, like his body language was off. If I was 26, this guy was 50-something, you know. And a couple weeks later, I saw the guy in church. To my surprise, the chick he was hugging with in the car was his mistress because he was at the church with his wife.

But he was also sitting in the first row. And he was also one of those ushers collecting envelopes. And even in my fucked up cocaine world, I looked at this guy and I go, what a fuck. fucking hypocrite. He's got a wife. He cheats. He's fucking,

no wonder he was squirmy when I started bringing up my father-in-law and look at him. He comes in here on a Sunday like nothing. And he just sits up in the front row

and he makes believe he's one of God's children. Fuck that. I don't want to be around these people. If I'm going to go to church, I'm going to go on certain fucking conditions.

I sit in the last row because I'm a fucking peasant. I don't try to be anybody I'm not supposed to be in that church. I've committed a ton of fucking bad things. That was a long time ago, and I'm sure it's forgiven. It doesn't matter. I haven't forgiven it yet.

So when I go to church, I sit in the back. I watch the people that are faking the funk. I watch the few that are real nice people, that are real tremendous, and I, you know, write it off. And now, again, am I super religious? Did I go to Palm fucking Sunday yesterday? Do I have a palm hanging from my fucking driver?

The visor and all that? I don't. Do I feel bad about it at times? You know, my daughter didn't go to church yesterday. My wife didn't go to church yesterday. You know, we played sawpaw. We went to play fucking football with the kids. I mean, guys, what do you want from me?

So I pay attention to the church as much as I can't. I think about it. I'm grateful to God every fucking morning, you know. And I try to live by his rule, which is be nice. smoke dope, right? I'm not sitting. I think God wants you to smoke dope. I mean, in my...

Think about it. It's not cocaine. They don't have to throw gasoline on it. It grows from the fucking dirt, right? Weed or... Yeah, that's the original... Yeah, I mean, that's what it was, right? The smoker.

I mean, it comes from the fucking dirt. You know, listen, I'm not robbing nobody. I go to sleep at night. You know, I haven't robbed anybody in fucking years. So, I'm okay with you. God for right now. I mean, we're on an okay basis. I, you know, I try to do the best I can. I still try to make everybody's day. I'm just

not that fucking guy. Did I go to church for Ash Wednesday? I love to walk in here with a thing like Marky Warburg and tell you that I put my faith up for, you know, stop. Stop. Stop. That's all I ask. Anyway, another great thing that's happened this motherfucking week I'm excited about.

Again, for years, I was always away, you know, but I always tried to watch Final Four weekend. I fucking always. Just something about Final Four weekend that has always done something. And we'll get to that point later. I'm excited about tonight. You got fucking San Diego State against my boys from Jersey City, Yukon. I'm going to watch the fucking game.

I'm going to smoke some Rifa. I'm out of mushrooms. I'm out of fucking, I got some A-B-X edibles. So, no, I don't even eat those edibles no more. First of all, I give them to Mike when I get them. And I really feel, after all this time, they're the best edibles I take. Honest to God. A, BX edibles are fucking on the money.

And now I got a new system. I throw eight of them in a milkshake. When I'm, oh, 1600 right off the back, dog. Eight twos. If I want to sleep like a baby and hit REM sleep on my whoop watch, that's what needs to be done. Okay. I'm sick and tired of fucking getting, I didn't get enough.

REM sleep. 20% was REM. I need 35%. And the only way I get it is by going deep, deep, deep into the murky fucking waters. So I make a nice protein shake, eight ounces of fucking water. I put a little protein powder in there. I put eight

capsules in there. The other end I put nine. I'm not going to lie to you. Dog, I blend them and then when I go to drink them at the end, the capsules come out hard. They don't melt in the fucking. I'm like, God damn it. So I got to fucking squeeze them. They taste like dick, to be honest. You squeeze them, you burp it later.

I eat an eight of them. So you blow a tremendous THC burp, where you're like, oh. And then it just, well, I put it in my milkshake now. And the other day, Mr. Softie came and I go, hey, before you put that in the blender, put these in there. He goes, what are they? I go to their fucking, you know, oil, fish oil from my bones. He goes, they don't smell like fish oil. No, they don't.

I drank that whole fucking Mr. Me. I love all that shit. I love those fucking ABX edibles, man. They do not fuck around. And, you know, I try. I guess the Stonis Club is kaput. Yeah, they just... Yeah, they just...

They disappeared about a month ago. Huh? Without even a fucking call or a message or nothing. They didn't call. They didn't send a message. I put an order in one day, and I never got it. You didn't pay for it, though. No, no.

You pay cash when they get there. I put an order in one day. I never even got a text the next morning. I was like, what the fuck is going on? It's like a week later, I went back to the page, and they had two pages of stuff on there. That's it. I'm like, what the fuck?

I called the owner a couple times. Never called me back, never answered the phone. I sent a few texts, and then I went on there this week, and they're gone. I'll just start our own delivery service. I would love to. I just don't even know where the fuck to start. I don't know. It's got to be doable.

Oh, yeah, it's got to be doable, but you got to have a fucking place. I have a fucking huge safe because people are robbing those weed places. Not like hell. I don't know. And then you got to deliver it. God forbid somebody's waiting for you with a stick. I'm not in the fucking mood to get mugged at this fucking age. But it's funny.

I was talking about the NCAA tournament, you know. It's Monday motivation. I do one podcast a week now. It's the best that I could do. And it's basically to get you motherfuckers up off your ass in my, in a way that only Joey could do it. I read something the other day on line. I did a podcast for my white belt, Jiu-jitsu.

He's on Instagram. Great fucking guy. And I love what he does. And I can't tell you how many times I've woken up in the morning and I don't feel good or something. And I go to check my Instagram. He's the first thing up there. My white belt.

He put some great fucking motivation things in there. You know, the other day he put something in there that I was blowing the fuck away. He goes, I want you to start sitting before class and visualizing what you want to do during class. Just visualize it, visualize it, just take one move, one pass, and keep going over it in your mind. Now, you want to do it in the people and the things that people will put up to not let you go to, you know, pass as guard. And he was just talking about, like, how you have to keep going for it, blah, blah, blah, bah. And I was looking at this. I'm reading this.

I'm like, this guy's fucking, he's fucking right from A to Z. What he's saying about, you have to visualize stuff. And how I remember is because, guys, I got left back in the seventh grade. And I, I'll tell you guys, it made me feel really fucking shitty. I got dumped on my girlfriend. She got a new boyfriend. And then I fucking got left back. And to top it all off, I never even seen her vagina.

because at least you get left back and you at least did something dirty with her in the sixth or seventh grade or I didn't even do nothing dirty we would dry hump and I get all worked up and my cheeks would get red you know you're a stupid fucking kid yeah you're a stupid fucking kid

so when I got left back guys I was in a bad fucking way I couldn't tell my mother my friends were looking at me all weird there's the dummy you know you got left back you know what I'm saying they even put you

they put me in another seventh grade class. Like the last day of school, they usually introduce you to your eighth grade class or the class you're going into. They put me into a seventh grade class. And they're like, this is where you're going to be if you don't go to summer school? Well, I fucking didn't go to summer school

because I was in love. It happens. And I got fucking let back. And I felt shitty guys. And I was trying to feel good about myself. I was going to karate. And then I picked up this basketball. I picked up basketball on the same.

sixth grade. I always played as a kid on the streets. I still remember playing in New York City playing against like a no parking sign. Like it would be no parking on a brick wall and we just have to shoot the basket at the no parking sign. That's how long I've been playing basketball. I fucking

pick basketball. It's a game you could practice by yourself. I was an only child. You know what? I went over there and thought about how it was going to fucking change my life. I just got fucking let back. you know you shit don't usually

you don't start noting that you're stupid to like your junior year in high school you realize that the people around you have more of a chance than you do but in the eighth grade and the seventh grade to get you a fucking wind taken out of year like that is brutal

I didn't know what to do so I went to karate I fucking doubled up on schoolwork I made sure everything was fucking done I got all A's and I played basketball I was ashamed to be around people My little basketball buddies accepted me. So that's all I would do. I would play basketball, play basketball.

And I watch pro basketball. I would always watch pro basketball. Julia serving, Bernard King, you know, all those old-time grades. That's what I love. I don't know. One day in the eighth grade, maybe in the seventh grade. I was left back, so it was in the seventh grade. I don't know.

On a Sunday, I was watching. I put something on. And it was college basketball. And I was like, okay. At that time, I used to watch Rutgers because I was growing up in Jersey. I would watch Rutgers because they had a guy named James Bailey. And he was 6'9, he'd slam dunk. He was okay.

I don't think he made it to the pros, but that's not what the story's about. So I just would watch college basketball. I would watch Rutgers, but on this particular day was the final fall. and I turned on this game and there was North Carolina U and LV and I was like getting chips you know like when a game first comes on

you're like I'll watch this let me get some chips or a soda whatever the fuck I was doing I kept here in Jersey City Jersey City Jersey City and I finally sat down and I'm watching this game

and I watched like a half and maybe I watched like three quarters and I watched the ending of it and throughout the game they kept mentioning Jersey City And then at the end of the game They fucking They gave the totals

North Carolina beat UNLV I'll never forget that And they gave the totals Of the players And they're going to the final four They're going to the championship game Monday against Marquette

Whatever the fuck it was Again guys I'm lost I'm watching this And they keep talking about Jersey City This kid from Jersey City This kid from Jersey City I can't figure it out So I don't know

I go to the best of the best of basketball court after the game, and I asked some of the guys, listen, man, I'm watching the NCAA men's basketball championship, and they're talking about Jersey City throughout this whole thing. You know, I'm a kid, listen, I'm from Union City, you know. When we came from Cuba, I lived in Manhattan, and then all of a sudden I was always in Jersey, and my mother had a bar in Union City, and then we moved to North Bergen. I always felt like a man without a fucking, without a home, you know what I'm saying? Like I've been at so many places that I was like, well, maybe, you know.

So, Monday the game comes on. Again, I'm a stupid kid. I don't know who, you know, I know Marquette's playing North Carolina. I don't know anything about these two teams. I could sit here and lie to you and tell you, I knew Dean Smith. I knew nothing about these two teams. I didn't even know people play basketball in Jersey City. That's how stupid I was.

But Jersey City turns into North Bergen. And Monday night. The game comes on and I'm watching the starting five players. And guys, when they said a freshman from Jersey City, New Jersey, I thought I was going to fucking die. And all of a sudden they, a freshman, a start, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What you're telling me is a freshman is starting for. Jersey City.

A freshman. Not a sophomore, not a junior, and not a senior. A freshman. In the biggest fucking game of the year,

a freshman. And he's from Jersey, city, New Jersey. Guys, I dropped what I was doing. You don't like when you feel your body

fucking leave you? You ever have that? Like, you're watching something the performance of your favorite band? It can be cheap trick. I don't give him fucking.

It could be fucking. It could be fucking. you know, somebody playing chopsticks, everybody's different. Every once in a while you watch something that it just takes you to a different level, man. It just blows you away, you know. And at that age, I had never been blown away over an art.

There's times I get, you know, I'll watch a movie and I go, fuck! You know, how good is fucking Marlon Brando and the godfather? It's inspiring. It makes you want to be a gangster. It makes you want to be an actor. It makes you want to be a producer.

I mean, that's how good he was. All those little nuances he was doing with his hands. He was just brilliant. And he was always a great actor, but that was his fucking masterpiece. Sometimes you just have a fucking masterpiece where everything comes true. I don't even know what I was talking about. I'm so fucking excited. And I watched this kid play.

And North Carolina ended up losing that night to Marquette. I found out later it was Al McGuire's last game at Marquette. Jerome Whitehead, all these players, Puerto Rican kid named Butch Lee. Again, I identify with the Puerto Rican kid, Butch Lee, but it wasn't as hard as how I identified with this fucking Irishman from Jersey City, New Jersey. He had acne, the whole thing. Not that I had acne, but Jersey City and North Bergen and fucking neighbors. And this kid just got on to the fucking biggest.

stage in college basketball as a freshman. You know, I thought people from Jersey didn't do anything. I didn't think we did anything. You know, I knew Frankie Valley was from Jersey. I knew Aberton Costello from Jersey, you know. But that's completely different. I knew Bruce Springsteen was from Jersey at the time. But it's different than fucking Jersey City.

And it's different. It's like when I found that, Sinatra was from Hoboken, Hudson County. it drove me fucking insane guys it that just that thought alone drives me fucking insane you know and I tell people all the time a lot of people are going to get mad at me for saying this there's Jersey

and there's Hudson County and I tell you this guy with the fucking strongest reservation in my fucking heart there really is there's Jersey and then there's Hudson fucking County and I guys it's I know people from Bergen County.

I know people from Essex County. I know a lot of fucking people. I love them all. I love New Jersey. But there's something about Hudson County that brings out the fucking savage in you. And when I thought, you know, O'Coron, I followed him.

Dog, then a couple months later, Sport magazine, which was Sports Illustrated, only a little smaller. Did a cover about his mother. She was a single mom, an Irishman, and they talked about how he played so much basketball he had knee braces on and the knee brace would cut into his

fucking skin and he wouldn't complain they didn't have any money you know this was just fucking I mean I didn't identify with them not having money my mom had the barn well off but I identify with the single mom thing like he talked about she was his life she fucking encouraged him

the Irish the Irish they don't fuck around but that's seeing that let me know that I could do something in my life. Do you know what I'm saying? As fucking crazy as it seems, as excited as I am,

seeing that, let me know that I could do something with my life. If he could do it, and he's from fucking Jersey City, I'm going to give it a fucking hell ride. And listen, it didn't have to be basketball.

It doesn't have to be basketball. It doesn't have to be a comedian. It doesn't have to be an actor. That motivation, you could take him to be a fucking scientist went. That guy took the same bus as I did. He walked the same streets I did and he went to the

same dirty fucking courts I did. There were no wooden floors or nets on the baskets. You know, when you went to the whole book and the plant wood street, there were fucking metal things with no, you know, you had, you had, they put a fucking net up on, in June.

It took two months. That net was gone. Once the net was gone, you didn't get one for the next fucking June. You know what I'm saying? So something about that. And you have to look at things that way sometimes. You don't look at things to hate. You look at things to learn from and grow from. Jesus Christ,

I've grown from the most weirdest things that I've looked at. You know, just even something negative going, oh my God, you know what? As a comic, as a human being, as a dad, as a fucking Spanish person, as a tranny, as whatever. I'm not ever doing that. I'm not doing that. You know, there was a thousand,

things from a negative turning into a positive. So for me, like, I get motivation from the weirdest fucking places, you know. Patreon, I have this Patreon, and I talk to a lot of people on there, and they ask me questions. One of the biggest questions I get whether it's Patreon, whether it's Facebook, whether it's Twitter. I just got one the other night. That's why I want to talk about this before time ran out, that people have a hard time making fucking decisions. It's really weird for people Like sometimes people hit me with things and I'll go

Well that's an easy one But it might not be an easy one to him And the thing I get hit with the most is jobs I don't know why like I'm not a headhunter I don't know anything about headhunting I really don't I know about making your life better

I know the steps you could take to make your life better You know I've had to make 20 different times that I change courses in my life because it's like you ever see the movie collateral collateral with Tom Cruise and fucking Ray whatever his name is Jody whatever his name is. Jody Fox

Fox I don't know Jamie Fox Fox Jody Fox I came to the conclusion of one of the most talented fucking dudes in Hollywood by far I mean that motherfucker he could do a fucking anybody's voice he could sing anybody he does Ray Charles for the fucking team If you could find this actor's studio interview,

you'll be blown the fuck away. But anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, in collateral, there's a scene where he's pissed off at Jamie Fox, and he goes, you know, you have to adapt. What's a, do you ever see that movie? He calls it Chi Ging, like some philosopher. He goes, Chi Ging, you got to adapt,

you got to, in life, you have to adapt. You know what, man? On a weekly level, you have to, reel yourself in and go, all right? What are they sending at me this fucking week? What am I walking into this fucking week? You have to adapt every week. With jobs, guys, you're trying to better yourself, right?

With a job, you're trying to better yourself. So when somebody hits me with a job, when they say, Joey, I'm in a deep position. I've had this job for four years. The guy's a dickhead. I want to switch to a better gig. What do you think? I got some people who I can confuse about the drive, you know? I got to drive an hour, but I'm making more money.

Everybody has different issues, you know. And all those issues are fear. That issue of not going and listen, I get it. I fucking get it. There's nobody more scared than I was. And I tell people, it took me 18 months to get on stage. 18 months, me, 18 months to get on stage. Procrastinating, lying, pussying up.

You know, if you want me to lie that. What do you guys think? I just got the idea. Stand up. Yeah, I'll get on stage on Monday. Fuck you. It took me eight months of lying and bullshitting and giving up those excuses. Knowing, knowing, knowing that it would change my life.

How many times have you fucking stepped on glass and you cut your foot? I'm just using a fucking term here. Whatever. And you have to go to a doctor. How long do you put it off for? Some people put it off. If 10 people get cut by a person, a piece of glass, five of them will go,

I'm not going to go to the hospital. They don't want to pay for the stitch. They all have a different story. They don't have insurance, whatever. Even though it's going to make you better. People will still do it, you know. For years, I did cocaine, knowing I was going to die. Knowing eventually my fat heart was going to blow up.

People smoke cigarettes, knowing that one day their fucking fingers going to fall off, or your lungs going to fall off, or your eyes going to fall off. People go to Burger King, and that's all fine, knowing that you're going to shit blood for 10 years. That's fine. We've all done that. They're all smoke screens. When you're looking at a job or a situation to better yourself, you know, I get these too. Hi, Joey, I don't know what to do. I've been with my girlfriend for eight years.

We have a kid together, but I call her, I caught her in bed with eight midgets. I don't know what to do. Well, if you call her in bed with eight midgets, there ain't no coming back. There's no therapy group that's ever going to save you from that. And again, I say midgets, I'm very sorry. Yeah, little people. Again, you catch, you know, I got a fucking, oh my God, I forgot what happened for this girl.

I got a fucking Facebook about five years ago that I thought it was just insane. This girl would write me letters, like not letters, Facebook messages. Joey, I need to stop getting high. I'm a blackout drunk. I don't know what to do. Well, you got to fucking stop drinking, you know?

She was a boozer. and I don't know, after about a year, she sends me this thing one night. I'm so ashamed, I don't know who to tell. I got chow drunk last night. I had a threesome with a pimp and a midget. And then she sent me the picture of them in bed. Like, she was crazy. This girl's crazy.

She blacked out and woke up with a pimp and a midget. And she got pregnant. Like she hit me up, like a year later. I'm pregnant. I had the baby. Yeah, I don't know. I never heard from her again. You know what I'm saying?

I don't know what happened there. But it's so funny how we're so scared to commit. It takes this, and even after we commit, we're fucking petrified. You're fucking petrified. You're like, when is the other fucking shoe going to drop? You know what, man? When you commit, listen, if you're scared of a decision,

one of the things that bothers me the fucking most, My biggest pet peeve is me and Mike talking for an hour about a decision he's going to make. And then he calls me the week and says he goes another way. That just tears me up. So I had to do something to stop that. If Mike comes to me now, I do it the right way. I rip a piece of paper out of a notebook and I do a Ben Franklin Close. And let them make the decision for themselves.

So I don't feel fucking shitty about it. Right? Or wrong. What's a Ben Franklin Club? You don't know what had been Franklin Clothes? The pros and cons? Yes. So you take Ben Franklin clothes, you know, the pros and the fucking cons,

and you write them all out, you take an hour, and then we discuss them, and we go, what are you now? The whole time, I'm already, I'm already there. Yeah, I'm already there, you know. I just want him to, I just want you to read it and to really absorb it, to see what's going to happen. If you're that scared and making it, you know how many people don't do anything because they're scared to make a decision.

Do you have any idea how many people are just, I don't know the word right now, are just very accepting. Like, this will be my job. I could stay here for 40 years. I'm never going to try to do anything better than that. And eventually, somebody leaves that job and will reach out and go, Mike,

I got a job over at RC Cola. They don't beat you up as much. You get $10 more dollars. They give you benefits. no I think I'll stay here and that's how they live their life never trying to reach every year you should be trying to reach something every fucking year you know I still remember making $8,000 a year after doing comedy for five years I started 91 and in 96 I could tell you motherfuckers with all the honesty in the world I made $8,600

And the year before that, 96 wasn't no better. 95 I made money, but I blew that as it came out. As it came in, I'm sorry, as it came out. My point is that when you're doing something for five years, and one day you look at your fucking tax return and you made $9,600, that's not even $1,000 a month. Right? That's about $800 a month, right?

Yeah. It's about $800 a month. It's tough to convince yourself That this is gonna be your decision For the next five fucking years when you just So at the end of five years what was I thinking By the time I do five more fucking years I'm gonna make 16,000 a year

That's even worse than subway That's worse than anything I don't know what who gets $16,000 a year From doing stand-up So what do you do? Do you quit? Because for a minute there I was like that 100,000 that I'm in debt,

that's going to take a little longer to pay off than what I fucking expect it here. So what the fuck do you do? You fucking figure out how to make it better. How can I make this better? And then Josh Wolfe turned me on to a company who did industrials. And what's an industrial, Joey? Industrial's a video where you teach people how to do a job.

So we would do videos like UPS and shit like that, how to pick up a box. You pick up the box and put it over here. I swear to God, all the time. We did training videos. You know, you figure out the next level of it. You know, when I was making $8,600 a fucking year, I'm like, wow. And you guys know, $4,000 and that was going to cocaine.

You know, the other money was going to fucking child support or whatnot. I was just breaking fucking even. Was I happy? Fuck yeah. I was having the time of my fucking life. No responsibilities. Getting up late, drinking. Who gives a fuck?

Hey, you owe me 20. Try to get it. I only got $4 in my pocket. I'm minus 16 as it is, cock suckers. But if you're having a hard time making a decision, Ben Franklin close it and really think about it and process it. So you never have fucking doubt. You never have a fucking doubt.

But half of us think about it. My friend says it's a great job. We don't really fucking think about it. I want you to start doing something. It's the end of the first quarter. It's Monday motivation, bitches. I want you to think about something that I had to start doing about 15 years ago.

And I got really bad at it for a long time, guys. That's why I'm asking you to start doing it now when you're young. Ask yourself why you're doing this. Did you ever ask yourself that? No, you haven't. You've never asked yourself, why are you doing this? Start asking yourself that. Why am I going now?

What am I getting out of that? Why am I doing this? Why do I keep doing this? It's like Thursday, and again, I'm going to get a lot of hate for this. It's like Friday or Thursday. The Yankees played the season opener. Judge hits a home run. Garrett throws, whatever, great pitcher.

And now I've got to see all the Yankee fans yelling again. It's our year. It's our year. It's our year. Well, come July, they're all going to be like this. Like Nick the Tour every year. Throwing things and yelling. And then by August, they're sick to their fucking stomach.

And it's like, we all fall for the same things all the fucking time. The Yankees win every game opener at home. It's the Bronx. They don't fucking lose. Like, they lost Saturday. I'm not. We keep falling for the same stupid shit, people. That's what I'm trying to say.

When I did Coke every fucking day like that, what is the definition of insanity? What are we talking about here, guys? When you make a decision, that's what you have to base it on. To Ben Franklin Close, how does it affect you? And why are you doing this? Are you doing this for the money? Are you doing this?

Because this is what you love. Nothing inspires me more when I go to something and I could see somebody doing something that they really love. It's fucking inspiring, man. And I'm around two or three people like that now. That I look at them and I go, I'm jealous of this motherfucker. Because this guy would do this for free.

He would do it for free. Every day, I could tell. You know, you have a session for 45 minutes. You're in there with him for an hour. He's not charging you for those 15 minutes. It's because this is what he loves. It's easy to him. He doesn't give a fuck.

Same way I wasn't about comedy for years. I was on stage every day. I fucking loved it. You get older, things change in your life. Situations get thrown at you. You have to adapt and see where you're at and then take an inventory every couple months. But if that's what, you know,

everybody's talking about all this mental health shit now and everything. When I was struggling with my mental health, it was because I went away from doing what I had been doing for years, which was writing, thinking about stuff. The last two or three years in LA, I was living a la fucking ala moque. And I had nobody helping me. I had my management, my agency,

that don't do that. And I wasn't doing it. And I wasn't, you have to check yourself from time to time. The biggest question is, why are you doing this? You know, I think about myself not going to conscience as I was as a kid now. And I'm honest to say this for people. When I was 18, 19, you're trying to be cool.

When you're 17, you're trying to be cool. Hey, I went to see Led Zeppelin. I never saw Led Zeppelin. Hey, I went to see ACD's. Yeah, I went to third row. You know, you do all this shit. Because you're trying. Now bands come that I love it.

I'm like, I'm not going down there. I'm not fucking going down there. I don't want to sit with, I got to walk through miles, sit next to heavy metal Joe and Mata Hoopal. They got body odor. You know, I'm not doing that shit. But, you know, when I was a kid, I was trying to be somebody. I was trying to be cool.

Now I'm not trying to be anybody. I'm just a fucking old man that, you know, is just trying to fucking live on a daily basis. So check on yourself from time to time. Monthly, it's like a fucking goal. I don't want you to do it every day. What am I feeling? No, fuck that.

Today I'm feeling like a zebra. No. Just check yourself. Why am I even doing this? Do I even enjoy this anymore? Maybe I'll keep doing it. I'll do it three days a week, just like I did with the podcast. Two days was not working for me, guys.

I didn't have it anymore. At least I'm mad enough to admit that. But one day I could come in here and talk some shit with you guys on a fucking beautiful Monday morning to get you ready for a fucking great week. And that's exactly what I do every week. And I'm having a good time doing it. So, fuck it. It's not about the money. It's not about fucking knowing this or doing that.

It's just about having a good time being you and doing what you could cover the spread with. And that's your Monday, motivation for April fucking third Cuckuckers. It's going to be a great week. I don't have a pick for tonight. I'm excited.

I'm leaning towards Yukon. San Diego State. The defense is fucking great. And that's it. Boom. Tremendous. The fucking book. Now we're getting into

the meat and potatoes of this shit, Cockthuckuckers. So it's on now, motherfuckers. It's April. What is it? May 2nd, April 23rd.

I don't fucking know. But the book will be in your house within three weeks. The audiobook, I think it's May 2nd. And I'm really excited about this. The more I think about this, we did a great fucking job with this. So thank you. Have a great motherfucking week.

Have a great Easter with your families. And stay black, cuckuckers. Uncle Joey loves you. And now for a word, my fucking sponsors. All right, I want to thank you, Savages, for another Monday morning motivation. The joint is brought to you by Draft Kings. Listen, this Saturday, to be honest to you, tonight, we got NCAA championship game. Yukon against San Diego State and you can roll your win into this weekend with UFC 287 Perea against

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Have a great week and I'll see you next Monday morning. Tip Top Magoo.