The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Rachel Feinstein and Joey Diaz are off the chain!

Episode Date: March 11, 2025

We're back! Comedian Rachel Feinstein (Last Comic Standing) joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt to talk everything from seeing ghosts, what has been thrown at them on stage, what two things Joey refuses to talk about on stage, and much more! Check out Rachel's Netflix special, "Big Guy" Try VIIA by using code JOEY at https://viia.co/JOEY Support the show and get 35% off your NYKD order at https://www.nykdpouches.com/church Support the show and get 50% off your 1st Factor box, plus free shipping. Use code FACTORPODCAST at https://www.factormeals.com/FACTORPODCAST

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? We're back like herpes. It's March the 11th, Tuesday. A beautiful day to be alive. I know I wasn't here last week. Shit happened. I was in county jail, but we're about to start this motherfucker right now.

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Thank you for supporting the podcast. Welcome back to show. What's up, dog? We're back. We have the beautiful and talented Miss Rachel Feinstein here today. We got my man Lee Syed and didn't want to eat a mushroom.

You know, that dog. Two hours, to eat a mushroom. You're a liar. Looking at it. You got to put it in a meatball sandwich. It wasn't a gram. Unbelievable. You'll see by the end of this episode, what wasn't a gram?

It wasn't a gram. And then they gave me two of them. Each one had eight different caps on it. It was bigger than any marshmallow I've ever seen. And it wasn't even blue. It was already fuzzing over the blue. Yeah. I stopped up between my toes that night.

I know you did. I took like seven grand. I'm going to be fucking on the floor. That's okay. We got a couch. tree here. Yeah, mushrooms are not like a Jews drug. No, they're not. Jews don't do what with drugs. That's what we have Manich

Shevitz, the most disgusting wine in the world. Jews don't get fucked up. I feel like we can drink, but like if I do mushrooms, like it just accentuates every quality I've been trying to erase my entire life. I'm just going to be like shivering in a corner. I ask everyone, are you mad at me? Jews love to party.

Epstein, Netanyahu. Epstein. Come on. Is it the first Jew you have to bring up? Leave with our best, please. Who? That's like What if you bring up Cuba, we ring up Castro? Why do you get to bring up the worst Jew? Who? He's the worst Jew.

He's a great opening Jew. Well, he's Jewish, but that's just, you know, he knows what to throw apart. He just fucking left the list on. Nanyahu on the other hand, ain't that stupid. When he fucks you, he kills you afterward. You ain't telling no stories. There's no list.

There's no plain manifest. There's nothing. That's a real fucking Jew. You understand? Anyway, how's it going, Rachel? Welcome to the podcast, Rachel. Oh my God. I don't know.

I'm dressed like a district attorney, I realize for this. I should announce that I really overdress today. No, you look fantastic. Thanks, guys. You got class. Not like these fucking wenches. I just, I just, they come in here with a titty sticking out,

trying to get fucking spots at the comedy cellar. Dirty bitches, you know what I'm saying? You came, you hold your own like a woman. Fuck you. Thank you. My Colombian friend, gay friend, did my makeup at Pico's. I was like, hey, do you think I look okay?

And Pete goes, yeah, that Columbia did a good job on you. So she did your makeup or something? You look great. Yeah, it's my, yeah, he's like, yeah, Colombians did a good job on you. That was his way of phoning and a compliment. That was like the best he was going to do. Is he gay too? Yes.

Oh, boy. Gay Spaniards are the best, aren't they? Oh, yeah. Anybody could be gay. Meet a Latino guy. That's a fucking faggot. They run a fucking touch. That's motherfuckers.

Those motherfuckers are old school fags. They get the training in the Bronx from the bodegas. You ever see the movie Crooklyn? No, Brooklyn. Crooklyn. It's a... Spike Lee movie. Yes, I saw that.

Yeah, a long time ago. The best scene in that movie is when the kid goes into the bodega and the Puerto Rican tranny's in there with a wig tipped over. He got like a black guy from the night before. I grew up around those guys in the Bronx. Right. Like when I used to go to my mother's dry cleaner, I always saw a Puerto Rican tranny, and they push it.

This is way before. this is 40 years ago. They were the heels, the fucking makeup, the wig was always tight. What was it called? I feel like a lot of, like, gay guys, I feel like they know more about being a woman

than women do sometimes. Like, they'll give me notes where I wouldn't even have occurred to me because they've been thinking about it. Especially if you kind of want to be a woman. Like, you've been thinking about it your whole life. Like, I don't know the difference between like a pencil skirt and a regular skirt,

but like, yeah, like gay guy, I'll be like, they'll fucking notice you. And they clean me too. They notice I have debris on me because I'm still a comment. I'm like an animal. Yeah. They teach me how to be a woman. You were saying that in San Francisco when you were there,

there were like these Cuban dudes who had a girlfriend. Yeah, in Cuba, in the old days, you're going to have a boyfriend that was really your girlfriend. You dressed them up in prison. They get back hands. It's hysterical. It's hysterical. They give them back hands. Shut up.

Kayate. You know, fucking tremendous. I feel like since I've got here, I have so many questions. I feel like this is the oldest reference ever. But I feel like Sandy from Greece. I'm like, what do you mean? a backhand. Like, I need everything

explained to me now. Like, I came here looking like a fucking paralegal. And I'm like, can you understand? Tell me about the dark days and what the bad boys did? No, I don't understand. Did that break up? Take that little gay fucking friend of yours. And tell them, say, what do you do on Tuesday night? What happens in your

world? Because that's when you, they're wizards. They're fucking wizards. And I've said this before. Men, the fireman, all of us in this room. What do you? just live until we die. Gay guys get their money's worth every fucking night.

And it's all the dirty shit we dreamed of as men. We just sometimes have the balls to do it. But gay guys, like we said, in L.A. on Tuesdays, it was a place that had a tent at it. Right. Because our friend was gay at the comedy store. He still is. He still is.

He said he would walk in the tent. And you had to fuck somebody or suck his dick. Unless you knew the person was, You gotta go back in the tent. Like, it's torture. That's real fucking abuse. But you never see a gay guy going,

hummers on Epstein's list. He did bad thing. No, only we get in trouble for that shit. Straight guys. So, wait, you're saying that the list, the list, I mean, I think we could establish that, we could probably establish that Epstein is not, is not a good guy.

Like he's, I'd like to distance myself. Yeah, no, it was just a joke, but. No, no, I'm being absurd. He's not a good guy at all. No, he's not, no, he's not a class act. But no, um, But no, I'm just being an asshole. A gay guy is a class axe, but they do dirty things.

Like Eric, you used to have a kid come over every Monday, rub his feet, then jerk off on his feet, and leave. And give him like a hundred bucks. Who'd pay for it? I would do that every night. Come over, cut my toenails, and you want to jerk off on him? That's a party. I won't tell if you won't tell.

You know what I'm saying? Wait, what did you say about the toenails? He would cut his toenails, then come on his feet. Jerk off, and come on his feet. That's it. Oh, my goodness. Now your grandma didn't tell you about fellas like that. did she?

I know a class act. If you really want to get sucked off proper, I know a class act. It'll cut your toenails for you too. This motherfucker- That was your barmiss for gift, right? This motherfucker told me he was meeting a gay guy one night. Because they just meet, I mean,

what in the country can you get on that? I want to suck my dick or whatever. And some gay guy I go, I'm three blocks away. Like, we can't do that. They'll throw us in jail for doing that. If we just put out on, what's that app that people go on? Grind. No, no, the one for women, too. Tinder. Tinder.

Tinder. You go on Tindon. I'm just looking for somebody that suck my dick. Some chick isn't going to raise a hand. I'm in Climpside. Come over. But gay guys. Who told me that? They were looking at somebody's store. I just, the other, coming here, too, because my, Eric, we started, he was before me, but we were doing open mics together. Showed me Grindr. I was on the bus the other day. Coming here, this dude had grinder open on the bus, which is crazy. And the message said, I can't make it, but my boyfriend will be home in an hour and a half. half if you can make it here before then.

Oh, my. They live like doctors. Oh, my God. I just started sounding like the lady from Greece again. I'm like, oh, my stars. I've never heard of someone getting sucked off that briskly. Briskly. That is also like one of my other friends, another, I can't remember who it was.

It was a comic, but he was telling me that like they have like a planet fitness that they meet in in like Midtown and like they just and like they write on the back of the guy's ass. Like there's just an ass waiting like just in some sort of planet fitness. They're like two. Also, you got a lot of time off if you have like eight hours to get spent getting slammed into Planet Fitness. And they just write like, they just write like a line. You know what I mean?

Like they each person that fucks them gets like a Sharpie or something. They just write a leather. Yeah. That motherfuckers are great. You go to jail for that. Yeah. But they get away with it. They leave their happy.

They just put a little tip on like some website just like, yeah. I don't know if it's Grindr or something. The next level of filth website. I don't know if they just like, yeah. there's a waiting ass in the planet fitness. But that's the thing about, like, they don't, it's not a big deal to them. Like, Eric used to do it between open mics. Wait, what would you do exactly?

What do they do? No, not they, I mean, not all gay men collectively, but Eric. Eric was my favorite. He would go, he used to call it taking a walk with his grinder. He would drive me home once, he would drive me home after I got too fucked up with Joey. And I'm like, do you want to call you an Uber? Thanks for driving me home. He goes, no, I'm going to go take a walk.

And he would just text me at 6 in the morning that he had been out. He just, because it tells you literally like on every other app. It's like, hey, so-and-so's a few miles away or lives in New York. Grinders like, hey, there's someone 18 feet away from you. Oh, my God. And you can just message them right away.

It's amazing. And that's it. There's no, there's like. Well, they have to say yes. Yeah. But no, Norman has a joke about this about how there's like just there's no guardrails. Like, yeah, so men can just, there's just two disgraceful people operating very quickly so they can get right to it.

Yeah. It's fucking crazy. It's a different world. He told me that he would take his victims to eat hot dogs. And I'm like, why hot dogs? He goes, you got to get him ready. Wait, the hot. I don't even call the victims, though.

Subconsciously, you got to get them ready. They're sucking on a dog. And then you. So the Hizogs are like prepping them for the dick. That's hilarious. After that, I'm like, I wish I was too big. No one would ever come up with it. No one would ever be like, I take them to have hamotash in first.

that they can go down on me. Yeah, no woman would ever. I'm taking all my dates to hot dog stands. Now I'm just trying to try to think of the, like, what would be the prep food for. For Jewish food? No, for, yeah, for going down. I don't know.

A nice brisket would be nice before. A brisket, yeah. Brisket will get them in the movie. If you're black, then they see that brown meat, you know. Oh, I keep wanting to do my grandma's voice again. Whatever I would want a man to eat me out, I would say go have a taco first so we'd get used to the shape.

All right, I'm not being so disgusting. Lee, looking nervous over there you. Well, yeah, it's already fucking kicking in. I'm looking nervous. I'm looking fucked up. Are you really fucked up right now? It's about to. It's about to is amazing.

You could barely form that sentence. It's about to. It's great. That's pretty much, yeah. I'm feeling fine right now, but it's definitely kicking in. All right, realize. Lay back. Lay back.

Lay back. It's going to be all right. Everything's going to be fine. How long have you been doing stand-up now? I think you're going to be a star in show business. How long are you doing stand-up? Oh, my God, at least 20 years, 20-something years, yeah, forever. And you started in the city.

I moved to New York, yeah, like right after I graduated high school, and I started stand-up pretty soon after. I moved with this guy in his band called Dick Sister, and then Dick Sister dumbed me. I was like the Yoko Ono to Dick Sister. They really didn't want me around. I was on tour with them, which consisted of like two dive bars in Michigan or something. And he was like, yeah, you're bringing the band down.

You got to beat it, kid. Yeah. So I think I was just cock blocking him. He knew he could get a wider stream of puss. So he kind of shed me. But then I was in New York, so I was like, and I never went to college or anything. So I was like, oh, I should, I'm going to try a stand-up. I moved from Bethesda, Maryland.

Oh, shit. So you're from Maryland? Yeah, Maryland. I'm surprised you didn't bump into Ari. down there. Oh yeah, Ari's from Maryland. I always forget that, yeah. I used to do comedy in Bethesda. What's that? You did? Yeah. Where did you do comedy and Bethesda? Oh yeah, I know Tyson's Corner. We used to go to the mall there when I was a kid. There was a comic from New York that moved there and ran a room on the weekends.

For years. I forget what his name was. They finally closed it down. It was a hotel. Right. And then after we do the set there on Fridays, we would shoot to headliners. Was it a holiday inn? I feel like I might be. I haven't heard about that room. That was the holiday. Yes, I think it was one of the first times I ever did stand-up. It just bombed in front of my entire family. Yeah, that's the place.

When all my aunts was, you know, when you accidentally make eye contact with one of your parents when you're bombing and it's just so horrifying? And they're looking at you like, Jesus, you should have stuck with the piano. It's even worse because, like, my parents are really open. So then if I do something sexual in front of them, it's particularly humiliating because it's like, it's like they're so encouraging. Like, I think I was doing some joke about, like, a mediocre hand job when I accidentally made eye contact with my father. and he was like, said, very good, do you? You're barely. It almost rather disgusted that he's gently encouraging my terrible handjob joke.

Hand jobs are never good anyway. Yeah. After your 10, who wants a hand job? Nobody needs that. You're right. It's unnecessary. It's unnecessary. Some guy was telling me he's like old.

He goes, I still go to this massage place. They give great massages. It's a knock and tuck or whatever. I'm like, that's disgusting. They come on with that sticky hand with that little stick. Chinese hand You have no idea That's disgusting

Handies whatever your thing They tried to give me a hand job In 1995 When I ran out of this place In Michigan Who was they? They did the switch I went to Michigan

And my shoulder was hurt So I saw massage Massai go in there The chick at the door was Fucking tremendous I'm like massage yeah $60 okay One out

Okay I go in there And all of some they throw the D team This chick looks like she got shot In Vietnam and fucking hit with a missile. It was fucking not good. And she came in like, handjob, $40. Why would I give you another $40 on top of this?

First of all, I didn't have it. I didn't really have the $40. So I started to argue with him. $2, $3. But no, I just didn't want a handjob. Yeah. I'm going to move for a fucking hand job. Do your thing.

Yeah. It does seem like an unnecessary step. Yeah. I mean, just to either go all the way or what's the kind of. It's a fool's errand. Who wants a fucking hand job when you're 30? You want it all, bitch It's like going to a strip club

That's why I don't go to strip clubs Yeah Because they don't They stop at one point You go to Toronto Those fucking strippers are crazy And then there's other places You could go to

But usually the girls that do that You don't want them It's like going to a nude beach Right You go to nude beach Nobody's there that you want to see naked Yeah there's a real supply in demand This year with the tits

At a nude beach And they're like Look at me I'm in a nude beach Nobody wants to see it Yeah they're never the ones You're searching for at all The guys are skinny

they got no muscles, their ass is dragging. Why would you take your pants off? I wouldn't take my pants off anywhere. I know what my little Cuban ass looks like. I had a cousin that would always breastfeed and she would breastfeed like in front of everybody. And like it's like, but it wasn't the tits you wanted to see. Like again, real.

No. And also she would have both out. Like you don't need the second tits. It feels very unnecessary. Have you seen me do that on Instagram? Every once in all, I'll tell you know I'm scrolling for too long. There's people who breastfeed on Instagram. Instagram and they don't take it down for some reason.

No. It's disgusting. I mean, at least one little... But why does the nipple have to be out on Instagram? Oh, those chicks are hookers. They're showing you your tits. Yeah, if you go on the back pages, they're always milking some of it, but they got pretty nice tities.

You know, you can't argue that, but who wants, you know... Listen, we got a lot of people like pregnant women. People love that shit. Really? Yeah. With another guy's baby? said. A lot of guys have a thing for pregnant women.

I don't fucking know. That is disgusting. I'll tell you what, when you see a woman who's pregnant, she's a lot fucking pretty. Oh, she's beautiful. It does. Cleans your skin up real nice, like ladies. It's true. The fucking ankles are a little thick, but that's okay.

You know what I'm saying? I ain't perfect. I was covering it the entire time. I was dressing like B. Arthur the whole time I was pregnant and then just trying not to dress it on stage. But then everybody knew when I told them. Yeah, it was like kind of the last. But I always felt like, I don't know, it's weird to do stand-up when pregnant.

You know what I mean? It's a strange feeling. Because people just are distracted, and you can't be as much of an animal as usual. It's just a weird thing. I like the Allie Wong special. Oh, she was brilliant. Yeah. She was really good on the first one.

I do feel like Ali was incredible and Rosebud, because they addressed it head on. Rosebud special is really, really funny. I feel like they address it head on. And I think at the time it had been uncharted territory for me. So I really didn't know how to, yeah. Well, I've never seen a special. But Alley's was brilliant. Now I kind of wish I could go back and not hide it because I'm like, oh, now that they cracked it open, why not?

Why did you feel like you had to hide it? Well, at the time I had a pilot and they told me that they were going to be shooting the pilot. They basically had like a verbal agreement to buy the pilot and they were like, we're going to shoot. And then, of course, I got pregnant as soon as we sold the pilot. So I didn't want to, I didn't think they were going to want to shoot me. pregnant. And so I tried to hide it and just wear, I just, yeah, I just wore a lot of loose kind of menopausal capes and I looked ridiculous. And then I told them, and they were like, oh, no, we'll, we'll, we don't want to shoot you when you're pregnant, but we'll still buy,

they had a script deal, but I didn't have the pilot. They're like, we'll still buy the pilot. We'll just buy it after you have the baby, because we don't want to shoot you holding a, you know, groceries or whatever, laundry, box of laundry or something. And then COVID happened. And so then the pilot never happened. What's it for that one? It was for Fox, yeah. Wow.

Yeah. But I was like, as the moment I sold it, I just like went into, it was like in the Fox building or whatever. And I just went to the pathway and puked and I was like, I'm telling you I'm pregnant. But we had just gone to like check, like we went to like a fertility person to see if I could get pregnant and they were, they just said I couldn't. So the doctor said something like, oh, you know, a lot. of women when they really want to be pregnant, they can sometimes imagine that they're, and I'm like,

no, no, I'm pregnant. Because I'd already had a miscarriage at that point, so I knew what it felt like. And I was like, no, no, I'm pregnant. But he just kept being like, oh, wouldn't that be nice, sugar tits? It's not an option for you. You're a little too old for that. But I could tell I was, and I was, yeah. It's so crazy what, like when you first start comedy, you're people who get deals and they come up with a sitcom. And you say to yourself, maybe that'll happen for me. Then it does. And then you realize what a pain in the ass it is and how the stars really have to be aligned.

Yeah. Like if not, it's not going to where. Yeah. No, it's not. Dog, I had two of those fucking deals. And one, we're almost ready. And they were like, well, no. Everything has to be aligned because then they make you get a show creator.

And everybody's got to like each other. Yeah. You know, usually they give you a deal for a year, and you've got to find the writer. That alone is six months. that alone took five months. You got to talk to different people and you got to see what the fuck they've written. And, you know, you don't want to, if you're a dirty

comic, I don't want to get it written by, you know, what's a good show on, I don't know, some fag show on CBS. The one with the ghost. Do you ever see that show? What's the ghost? That's a show about ghosts. The show's been on for like four years. The worst show I've ever seen in my fucking life.

I would love to see you on a ghost show. I would love to be like in some kind of reality haunted house with you? Wouldn't that be so fun, Joey Diaz with ghosts? No, I don't like... I think you'd be funny with ghosts. I don't like ghosts. I don't like midgets. You don't care for that? I'm not going to even... The fact that you put midget after ghost is fascinating.

They're in the same world for him. They're not real. Well, I was in the hospital last week. Wait, do you believe in ghosts or do you just not like them? I believe in ghosts. Yeah. I've seen them. Yeah, because we had a weird thing because we bought this house. So we just, it's my first house.

My husband bought it with Bitcoin. And so we live in this Bitcoin house, and it's like 100 years old. It was the only place we could buy a house because it was the only place that they would take it. Like, it's all cops and FOIA FOIA is my neighborhood. Not a Jew for miles. It's like if the 9-11 Memorial gift shop were in neighborhood, that's where I live. But they were like, they were like, it's the only place that they would take Bitcoin because there was like a bank there that would do it or whatever, you know.

So we live in this like 200-year, I. I don't know. It was a really old house. And when we first came to the house, they had these Victorian outfits were laid on the ground, like when we went to go look at the house and it was like a little little baby's Victorian dress. It was disturbing. Why? Weird thing to leave out, right? Yeah, that's a terrifying thing.

That's like a voodoo thing. Yeah, and they were kind of these Victorian Nica. And I was like, wasn't that strange, you know? And then I just kept thinking about it. But then we got the house. and then later on, I don't know if I should be talking about this, but fuck it, I'm talking about it, but later on, so one day I was out doing a club and I looked on the cameras in the backyard and Pete was grilling in the backyard and my daughter was playing next to him. And then it's a live feed and next to her I saw this little girl. I don't know how to sound like a insane, but I saw a little girl with long braids who was like really pale. And so I called Pete and I'm like, who's, but I didn't see it like, oh, I saw it. I saw it. I saw it. I don't know. I saw it. vision. I just saw clear his day. So I called Pete. I was like, who's the little pale girl next to Frankie playing with, who's playing with Frankie? And he's like, there's nobody there.

And I was like, what do you mean? There's a little girl there, you know? I see her. And then I went back in the footage later, I wasn't high. I wasn't on anything. And then later on, when he was at the firehouse, I'd hear these really loud sounds at night. And the lady that owned the house told me, if you ever hear anything weird, call me, you know? So I called her and I was like, oh, I was thinking you were going to call. It was like an old horror. movie. She was like, my brother died on the way back to the house and he was hit by a car. And ever since then, he used to play with his dog in the kitchen and there would be loud banging sounds. And then she said her sister, also who passed in the house, but I guess after

a certain period of time, you don't have to tell anybody, you know, if like a certain amount of time goes by. What's that? How many years do you have to hold it a secret that somebody died in your basement? I think it's got, I think there's like, why is there a statute of limitations on this? just to, well, that, I want to know. What is it? Listen, shroomy boy, relax. He doesn't know anything.

He has no idea what planet he's on. He's just rocking. I love that he's just kind of like rocking back and forth. Well, this fucking pillow is getting in my way, but I don't want to, yeah. Why is there such a limitations? I'd want to know someone died in my house. No, no, so do I. But my mother bought a house in 73, and the people didn't tell us that the husband

fucking hung himself in the garage, like four or five years early. So it was the same shit. I used to hear that motherfucker come up the stairs that night. It was terrifying me because he'd be at the firehouse and I could hear things on the stairs. In the sixth grade, I moved out of my house. I told my mother, I'm not living with these fucking spirits. What would your mom do with the spirits?

Did she try to clean them out? Because I was like... Yeah, they put the fuck and they burn. Sage and stuff. Fuck, they lived there. Because I asked somebody for what I should do and they said holy water. So I was like, I don't know.

I'm like a Jew. I don't know how you get a holy water. But so I had to ask a Catholic to get me holy water. Will they give holy water to a Jew? Tell me the truth. They will, okay. You just go to church. You just be like, I am Rachel Ovalide.

You just go to church, put the cup in the water, and put the lid on. They don't know what the fuck. Really? Oh, so there's just like a little bath there? Yeah, because it's like nothing. It's like a bad bath. The priest blesses it every day. That's bullshit, too.

I got no holy water. That's fucking. Really? It's just anything. You know, I mean, these fucking priests. That's where they get it. You just dip your, like, you just dip your, like, it's punch or something? I didn't know that.

He's freaking out right now. yelling stuff at it. You don't know how. When you go to church, you have to, like, do it and then the sign of the cross. This one, I always mess up when I try. Yeah. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

Nobody cares. Such an idiot. But there's a second one, right? Isn't there this one? Yeah. Down and your chin. That one's cool looking. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a quick one. Yeah. That's like Catholics in a rush. Yeah. You ain't got time to fuck it, you know. I wanted to be Catholic so bad when I was a girl. It just seems so cool.

It just seems so cool. Doesn't it feel? You're overrated. Being Christian, being all, like, Yeah. Christian is so much better than Jewish. It looks better. With A, Christmas is better.

B, we had, did you ever have to, like, go to, like, the high holidays when everyone else had the day off from school? Yes, it's, it was. The microphone's gone. Sorry. I love how many times you've had to do it for me. I just like such a dumb hole right now.

Like, all the men have to help me with the microphone. I'm like, how does you work? But no, it's not fun being Jewish. And now it's fucking, people get mad at you for being Jewish now. But I will say, but Catholics, yeah, they give you a hard time. I get the craziest DMs. I'll be like, I swear to God, I'll just be promoting a show. And somebody called me an oven magnet.

I'm like, can you, fucking, can a Jew promote a show in Tampa? Not be calling a, being called a goddamn oven magnet? Also, oven magnet is, I guess it's just some derogatory term for Jews, but it's particularly hilarious because it's like, this person's obviously not a Holocaust tonight. because they acknowledge that we went to the ovens. But by calling us oven magnets, they're kind of acting like we just couldn't get enough of the ovens.

Like we just gravitated towards them or something. Oven Magnet is the dumbest thing I've ever. We were eating at dinner. We were eating dinner like the first night, Saturday. We were talking about something when the Jews came up. And I told my daughter, I go, you know, listen, in my world, when I read that, I still remember being like, when the fifth grade, sixth grade, when you hear about the Holocaust.

And it bothered me. It just bothered me. Then I think about the American Indian and what they did to them. And that's why I told my daughter, I go, listen, in my world, the Indians could do whatever the fuck they want. And the Jews could do whatever the fuck they want. They could shoot as many people, Hamas, Puerto Ricans, Cubans, go. Because they got thrown through wolves. And for years, I was like, nobody stuck up for them.

Nobody went over there with a fucking missile and dropped it on a fucking germ. What the fuck was going on? Oh, yeah. Nobody did go. That is the sickest thing. I've never done a... I mean, I'll torture him with Auschwitz jokes and shit. But on stage, I won't make an Auschwitz joke

and I won't make an abortion joke. Right. Two things... Why abortion? What is it about abortion that makes you just think? You don't want to do it. Yeah, yeah. You're gonna cringe a woman, you know?

Maybe she had an abortion. She hooked up with a Chinese guy with one leg and she's... You know, he was... I was like so touched and that was a hilarious thing to follow up with. He was like, I have a sensitivity. That was just for me. That was just was... Sure, that was your line of what you had felt in coming.

I was not going to do an abortion joke. I mean, I make fun of Catholics all day. No abortion jokes and no Holocaust jokes. Do you know what I was jealous of with Catholics confessing? I was just like it seems so satisfying to just go and confess all everything and then you're just done with it. Did you like confessing or was it like? Yeah, but if I knew what I knew now, I go in there and make up shit. You know what I'm saying?

Like to really get them going. I killed two people at the fucking seventh grade last week just to make them read the paper and shit. I'm like, you got a lie to the motherfucker. As I got older, I'm like, I never did that as a kid because I was always very, I was not as a kid I believed in it. Yeah. I go in there and tell them, you know, I shoplift. You don't listen to your mother.

You know, you look at a playboy magazine or something. Would you have like your worst thing you did, but then you would just say, would you say the real things that you did or would you have, like, I heard that Catholics have like, like, they have like the foil thing they say and not the real stuff. Yeah. Instead of saying I killed a prostit. too. They're just like I didn't listen to my mom or something. You know?

I was pretty honest with the guy. Yeah. And then when they I'm like, fuck him. You know, what I got to tell him my shit for? You better tell me some fucking stories of what you did. And then I'll tell you where the fuck I'm coming from. That's a good point, actually. After a while, I was like, why am I?

And then now I'm like, fuck, I wish I'd go in there now. And tell him, like, listen, I'm the one that's killing all the women in New York City. That is the funniest idea ever. That would be a great sketch to just go in and start a, admitting to different murders. That would be a great podcast. He killed a few proes. It killed a few coeds.

But besides that, it's been a solid week. Yeah, just tell him. And let's text his moral, fucking whatever. Let's see if he fucking watches and called 911. But it just seemed like, it just seemed like a very cleansing and neat thing. And I hear a lot of Catholics, they have bad memories associated with confessing. But for me, it was like, I used to make my brother hold up the sheet and stuff. And so I would confess in between.

It just seemed like very satisfying. You just get rid of everything bad you did and start all over. again with more filth the following week, right? Well, that's what I did. Yeah, but there wasn't that much shit to tell at that age. You know, there wasn't much, when I was really into it, yeah. But aren't you supposed to say, like, I took the Lord's name in vain?

Like, that's... And now you're talking about murders? That's every day. That's why. Like, God damn or something like that. Yeah, you can't. Yeah. No, I was never really... I just took it as... I was raised really Catholic.

Like, that's what... To a certain age, it still fucks with me. Like the guilt. It still fucks with me to a certain age. And then Cuba is a Catholic fucking country. So like Thursday nights when most kids, what's that week, holy week? My week ended on Wednesday. Thursday there's no music, there's no TV.

Friday there's no music. There's no TV till fucking Saturday. Wait, this is just like the Jews. Yeah. No TV, no music, though. That's torture when you're eight. You're like, fuck Jesus. I'm missing Batman like a motherfucker

Because Jesus died That's got it to do with me Well you went to a boarding school Yeah I went to boarding school Was that traumatizing? Traumatizing Like the boarding school sounds terrifying to me

If it was just regular boarding school Like military or something It wouldn't have been so bad Do you think that if you didn't go to boarding school I mean obviously you're a great Incredible comic But do you think if you didn't go to boarding school You would have been traumatized tonight

to be a comic. I would have been traumatized by just the life who were living. That's why my mom put me in board in school, so I'd have to see the shit that those animals were fucking living through. So she did it to protect you. Yeah, because there was a lot of shit going on that. So when I came out, then I still stuck to the rules. But once I smoked pot, I'm like, sorry God, it ain't going to work. I think that, you know, I listen to your book, I read it. I mean, I'm the type of guy that if I go to church even now, and I look at the 12 stations of the cross, I get really sad. Like, I'll cry in church. And I, like, wipe it to you.

That's why I couldn't get high and go to church because I get so fucking depressed. And church, you see, in the 12 sides. Lee, stop yawning, God damn. I'm not yawning. I'm about to puke. Are you? Are you really? There was two little grams of mushrooms. Listen, not in the middle of the damn... No, I won't make to the bathroom. Let's give a little bucket.

Yeah, have some water. You're not drinking enough. You're not drinking enough. Have some water and have, like, an adfell or something. And you need a little snack, like a bar or something. I don't know. You need a little something. He was happy eating meatballs jumping up and down. Fuck a me.

No, it's really weird how. It was just traumatizing how the nuns treated us. Like that wouldn't have been accepted today as somebody. But it was the 70s. That's what your parents wanted. A nun to bat you in the head and make sure you ate all your string beans. I fucking hated string beans. So they would beat me for that for not eating string beans.

Like, what the fuck? Can you imagine? Like, what the fuck? heightened twat do you have to be to beat a kid for not eating string beans? And they fucking turn that ring around and give you back hands and shit. Oh my God. So yeah, it was not, it was not

fucking, now I go to church and it's like it ain't even the same church that I grew up in. They got a gay singer. What the fuck? Eight in the morning with a scarf around his neck. When you, when you... The fuck is he doing, singing. Wait, you know what the gay guy to sing? I don't mind if he sings, but what's he doing here at 7 in the morning?

He should be somewhere stitching up his ass for the night before. If he's a real gay guy, you know, he should be there with the St. Bernard. If he's real, as amazing. But what are the stations? I know I should know these things, but what are the stations?

The stations of the cross are like, it's like what happened on Thursday. They came to get him, and then they take them, then they judge, a Pontius judged him. Oh, I thought it was like levels of sin. How dumb is that?

I thought I was like, oh, if you get a hand job, that's like the first station. Well, they don't. tell us. I was telling Joey last week. It was before Easter, on the forehead? Palm Sunday. Yeah. Ash Wednesday. I grew up in Massachusetts and around a lot of Catholics,

but they didn't take off from school to do it. And I'm Jewish. I went to school in Boston. I was 19 years old. I was walking around and being like, why does everyone have dirty stuff on their head? I would think that too. I didn't know. One time I got a babysitter, and she was very religious and she was like, oh, do you mind if I give your kid that she was going to bring my kid to church and it was Ash Wednesday and I was like, oh, and then she she smeared my kid.

She put the schmots on my girl. Yeah. She was like, I didn't, but also I kind of feel like that's a second question. I was like, sure you could bring her to church, but she didn't ask if she could schmutz or put schmots on her. But she did, but it's okay because I like Catholics. That's part of the whole fucking deal. Yeah. I believed. I really do. And today I really believe because who else would give me a fucking baby at 50 years old. Right. You know what I'm saying?

Just to get everything out. Like, when I sit there and look at it, I go, what the fuck? This just didn't come from the... Somebody knew I was hurting. Yeah. So, boom. And then did you feel like you started over when you had the baby? Like, your life started off.

No, I go to church now and I'm like, I ain't doing this shit. Fuck you. Look at you Diane Sawyer over here with my dub question. Did you feel like that was a... a turning over, like, shut up. I didn't go to college and look at me interviewing him. Like, and was that your pivotal? There's so many things that bother me about churches

because it's not even real. And my wife said something. She goes, one day your daughter got sick at church, nobody turned to help her. And I'm like, fuck that place. We're not going back there again. Yeah, no, that's an ex-something. But she even tried her religion, that country shit.

You know, when they stand around? I don't know. I don't fucking know. And she was like, those people are fucking weird, too. It's not the same. Wait, like Quaker? What country shit? No.

Oh, like Baptist as? The talking in tongues and all that. A lady gets a heart attack, like, you know. Yeah. Whatever. No, that is hilarious. The talking in tongue stuff is ridiculous. Yeah, it's really crazy.

Do you think that there, when people are doing that, like that they're fully experiencing it? Like, or they think they are? Or do you think people go in there and just like fake it to get people off their backs? They fake it. It's like when you see people healed and also the guy's playing the drugs. He's been in all the time years in a coma. And all of a fucking Charlotton comes over, hits him with the Bible and the

guy gets up and he's singing dance tunes and shit. It also just seems like exhausting. Like it's exhausting enough to have to get up and sit down. I don't know if that's true in church and temple, right? We always have to stand up and sit down. That enough is annoying enough. Imagine if you had to just go around like, you know, chirping and screaming and all the whole manner of nonsense.

What Jesus would want a fucking fat nun to smack a kid? Yeah. Like I started thinking like that. Like what Jesus? Jesus told you you could smack me, you little fat fucking? No, no, that's insane. Is your wife religious? She was.

Also, I feel like there's a difference between church and religion. Like, I feel like there is, you know, I mean, I do think a lot of the evil shit happens in the name of us. I was a little turned off at the church, and I got to be honest with you. I was like, you know what? What am I going to do? And I go, you know what? I don't know if you know this. You're Catholic, right?

If you don't go to church on Sundays, it's a mortal sin. Hmm. And if you kill your wife, it's a mortal sin. And I'm even, like, there was so many gaps in it that I didn't like. Like, we got to rewrite this motherfucker. Yeah, and it's the same level of sin as missing church and killing your wife. This motherfucker. Like, now the church says you don't have to eat fish on Friday.

I don't give shit up for Lent, because I don't know how I'm in a field tomorrow. Yeah. But I want to eat fish the whole Lent. How's that? We'll make a deal. How we eat fish on Fridays. I'll make sure I'll just eat fish on Fridays. That's the most I can give you.

Yeah. For me to say, I'm giving up chocolate on him. I'm giving up express all my wife. martinis. Nah. Nah. I'll even drink express on martinis.

I'm gonna say. You want to keep your options open? Yeah, you want to keep your options open, you know. But that's crazy. It's the same... What are gonna fuck during Trump? Good.

Let's see how that works out for you. You're fucking. Nobody ever wanted to fuck you anyway. Now you're just making it easier for yourself now. It is funny when a woman I'll take herself off the table and everyone was like, we were already, we were set.

Yeah. You know, it's just religion is great to a degree. And then you have to ask the people, what the fuck are we doing here? So religion is me coming in here and giving me half of my salary. What fucking religion is that?

Right. You're supposed to give me something. I know you want me to keep the light turned out, and I'll agree to that with you. But meanwhile, you're driving a Cadillac or a BMW, no, that's why I don't donate to causes. I'd rather give somebody to cash.

Directly, so you actually know where it's going. Yeah, because I give it to American Heart Association, The two people are driving fucking cigarettes, whatever. The two presidents are driving Bentley's, and everybody else gets... When you donate, if you read the fine print, they're only supposed to get like 17%. And the rest is they, oh, what do they call it? Administrative.

Go, fuck, how many administrators you got? Yeah, I'm a little suspicious about that, too. Phil donated 20 bucks. Bye. That's the shit that pissed me all. So something happens, like the fires, let me tell you something. They've had so many benefits for these LA fires. And the best is with three comics that don't draw,

and the proceeds go to the fucking fire. Listen, they're never going to build the house if you keep doing shows. Well, also, I don't understand why they don't go. I feel like people should put them right to the victims in their co-fundies in there. But then, like, some people, some stuff where they're like, oh, we've got free skin care. I'm like, they need a fucking house, bitch. They don't need powder.

Yeah, like they'll be like, oh, free spray cans for anyone that was affected by the fires. And prove me wrong. New Orleans, Katrina, that mayor went to jail for 10 fucking years for dipping into all that money. It's just, guys, they steal everything. You could always tell all by, like, how pretentious somebody is by what they decided to give during the fires. The worst is when people have, like, a benefit to come over their homes. Like, you know, it's just important. Get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out of here. My wife said that to me one time. Maybe you should do it. No. Get them out of here. Wait, like in the home? Yeah, like what do those people do, not presentations when they come over? Sell Tupperware?

No, that's stupid shit. Like, even the mayor this year, the fucking guy wants $2,000 to go to his party. Like, who the fuck of you? 2000. For $2,000? Do you know what five Chinese women will do to me with a sticky hand? Do you have any idea what I could do for $5,000 for $2,000? I don't.

I want you to explain it to you. It's a nice time, trust me. How many hand jobs can you get for $5,000, Papa? I don't want a hand job. You would be great giving bedtime story, just like... I'm dying to do bed time. I love all that shit. I love all that shit.

Let's take a minute here. Lee has to pee or throw up and what I talk to you about. I know he is unwell. Yeah, look at it. Do you have any idea what state you're in right now? You should have had the... You should have had the honey. We want to talk to you about a few sponsors.

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and you'll enjoy them too. So back to the show. Thank you for supporting the Church, New Testament. What's happening, beautiful people? We're back to the bathroom break. Now we're back with the beautiful Rachel Feinstein. What else? Thank you.

Thank you for having me. Absolutely, always. Oh, God, it's good to be here. I bombed so bad once near here. In the middle of my show, this guy just stood up. I think it was at a high school. I don't remember the name of it. This guy stood up.

I was wearing overalls and he just goes, get off the stage Super Mario brothers. And I threw those overalls in a trash after. You know, you're just like, ugh. You were talking about it in your special. Someone threw a piece of pizza at you? Yes, I've had snacks thrown at me. I've had bottles.

Somebody threw me a note that told me to go back to the kitchen. I feel like at that time, if they'd seen me in the kitchen, they wouldn't have wanted me to return there. But yeah. I've had a lot of things hurled at me on stage. Someone threw a pepperoni out with me once and that's about it. Really? Yeah.

A pepperoni? Yeah, it was at the dojo in L.A. I made a bad joke about her being transgender. But she was, if you know the L.A. comedy scene at the time, she's the one. She was beautiful. She came to all the common to every Kiltony. Was she really a woman or what she was in? No.

Originally she was born a man, but she was hot. And I made it. The other comics were fucking with her. I was like a year in a standup. And I said, like, you ladies are fucking up. The hottest girl in here has a dick. And the audience loved it. She didn't think it was that funny.

She threw a piece of pepperon. She threw pepperoni. Yeah, she called me, uh, I was about 100 plus pounds heavier, too. So she called me, uh, what's a guy from Always Sunny? So he threw a soft taco at me. Yeah, Danny DeVito. It was a taco, though. It wasn't pizza.

It was a soft taco, but. Oh, okay. That's not bad. There's kind of a sadness to the way a taco sort of falls off here. shitage, though. It was sort of a dumb moment. But I definitely had a lot of things hurled at me before. I can't believe that people would throw

shit at a woman on the... I just... I can't believe that shit. You know, that and since I started comedy, I thought women were funny. I've always thought women were funny. I mean, I grew up on Lucio fucking ball. Yeah. And the other chick, I have always thought

women are funny. And for years, people kept saying that, that idiot that got fired from Letterman for saying, Oh, who said that? Yeah. People do still say that even when you get a compliment after a show, they'll be like, and honestly, a lot of women say it too. They'll be like, I usually hate female comedians, but you're good.

They're like, yeah, usually. And then whenever they have like a female comic tour, they would always make it be called like palms and punch lines or like bleeding across America or something. Like it could never just be. It was always like they have tits, but then they also do comedy. And there was just some asshole with like a you do the math expression. I'm like, we just do stand up.

Why do you have to keep, like, tits and kind of how do they possibly work? Yeah, I don't know why that always happens. What are they getting so upset about? Because I just saw your special on Netflix and it was mostly about your husband. But what were you talking about before that they'd get so upset about? I don't think it was like me specifically. Honestly, when I had a soft taco thrown at me, I honestly think I was performing at the, I'm not name dropping, but I was performing at the Culinary Academy of Vegas.

because obviously I'd made it in show business. And I think they just wanted to microwave something, and the microwave was behind me. I think I was an impediment to the microwave. Some bitch wanted to microwave like a hot pocket, and she told her boyfriend to throw a taco at me because I was like standing in front of the hot pocket station. Yeah.

I don't think it was like I'm so controversial that I make people question things. No, I think it was just like I was in the way of them. Yeah, their taco station. In Miami, they would throw fucking chicken wings. on Black Knight And they were throwing Even at black chicks

You're black and you're throwing them At black chicks I never understood that Did you have a wing thrown at you? No no no no no No no That shit ended four years into comedy Somebody came up at the stage

And I hit him with the microphone Did you really? Batteries were everywhere Blood I don't give a fuck Sue the club I got off the stage And got my staking left

Like nothing happened Fuck you. You're going to come fuck with us on stage. That's a security problem. Yeah. And a lot of clubs don't want to pay. And they want to sit behind the fucking thing. See, I'm not like a big guy.

What do I do if somebody attack? I just go, you obviously don't know who my father is. And then I just run. She's Howie Feinstein. He's a lawyer. And they just run out the building. You kick them in the fucking balls as hard as you can and run. Yeah, that's a good point.

That's what the girl's got. Kick them real. they're not even going to expect to look and they look. Yeah. What's that midnight run with De Niro and that dude? That's how he would always get away from the guy.

The guy would turn, he hit him. Fucking, you know. They don't know. Yeah, nobody's afraid of my little Jew fist. I have a wind-up move that does not scare people. Nobody cares about a little gist like this. I've got nothing. I've never been in a fight in my life.

We don't fight. Jew's tough. We get, you know, we litigate. No. You litigate, and there's smarter ways to fucking do. it. But I never understood that how people could just draw a chicken wing on a woman on stage. Or even

myself, I had one problem when I shot my first special for fucking C-so. C-so, whatever the fuck. There was a... Listen, you ever go to a show? Well, not you because you're a woman, but let's say, like Joe Rogan.

He had, like, when he was on news radio, there was 30 women in the front row. But there's always that one husband that has to come. He ain't funny. Fuck him. Why are you coming? Sit at home with your friend. I'm coming. And they come and they sit there

the whole night. The girls are laughing. He's the husband that's just, you've seen that. You see that again and again. You always see some guy who looks backed up because like his wife, he hasn't gotten laid with his wife in the last year or so. And then she's laughing at this comic. And so he thinks that equates to he's never going to be inside of her or something. And I'm like, well, why did you not, why did you not bring out of that comedy club in the first place?

You got to see these guys. Yeah, they just frown and glare at you. And they look at this wife. He's not funny. Okay. Okay. Whereas I feel like a female comedian does the opposite for a man. We're like a cock assist.

We do the opposite of cock-block because there's not like no guys like if I could just get bed of female comics. So I feel like we make your wife look nicer. Like I feel like there's a lot of couples that walk away from my shows and they're like, you know what? I got a good lady at home, you know? That's funny. They're like, I don't rub her knee enough. they just see me just this loud-ass bitch, you know, just yammering about God knows what.

I mean, yeah, my husband clearly, he's a chief now. He should have married like an esnetician or a nurse. I'm just out here talking out of turn. He doesn't need this hassle in his life. Pretty soon they'll play this tape and he'll have left me for some nurse named Gina, which is what he should have done in the first place. I love funny women.

Like, I've never been that uptight on stage. I had a friend once. They used to be a comic in L.A. she was a female Sam Kennison and she was fucking funny Yeah I mean she was at the store for years She didn't travel she had four kids

Yeah But I saw a lot of people Struggle behind her And guys' egos Yeah And I saw I had two instances I saw her blow away

Nick DePaolo Wow Because Nick crushes We used to crush Yeah Couldn't fucking take it Did he lie Did he get angry?

took her hand when she brought him up and pushed her hand. Oh, my God. That's the last time he performed at the store. Because Mitchie was in the room. But another time she was in La Jolla. Yeah. And I was doing something in San Diego. So that day I went to the club, and I saw the feature act.

He was a good guy. And I remember wearing for Chinese food. And I go, so who's closing tonight? He's like, me. And I go, dog, you better be careful with this fucking Chinese. check. You better be real. Even me would say, you better

be careful because Saturday night. It's date night. Let's throw it around a little bit. Let's flip it. Let's think about your common sense. Do you really want to go up there? If she gets a good wind going, as a feature act, you're done.

Yeah. Why don't she just end it? Go up there, do your 30, get in the car, and go home, and let her just, no. No. So that's what happened. Early show Friday. She destroyed.

The rest of the weekend, she had a feature. And he was not happy. about it. I remember seeing him that day. I was, fuck her. Then they start making an excuse. She was dirty. I opened for this guy once, and I had like a really good set before him. I don't even know who he was, because it was like a road guy from

years and years ago. And after he got off, he goes, you don't have to say all those things. And he gave me like a soft face, right? He was like, shh, you don't have to say all that sweet. I'm like, don't tuck me in because I fucking killed before you. Fucking killed. But yeah. When a women starts killing, because you got to think, Saturday

night is date night. You want play that ego thing, I just want them to watch a good show. Listen, for years, I always brought a women feature. You were always really nice to me because, I mean, I only met you once, but many, many years ago, I auditioned for Mitzi, and

you were really sweet to me afterwards. Like, I didn't know anybody in L.A. I was staying at my elderly aunt's house who was like an hour and a half away. I was still a full-time nanny, and I was just so nervous about my audition for Mitzie. And she passed me, but I just didn't really have the money to go back to L.A. and keep

you know, playing there. And I think I didn't, I didn't really know what it meant, you know? Like, I didn't understand the whole system. And, yeah, I would go around with, like, you know, and I would just, it was so embarrassing. I would just go around with, like, a, like, I didn't know any better. I would go around with, like, a business card and, like, handed to people. And people are just like, no one needs this. But you, you were like, I was like, what does that mean?

And you were like, it's good. She likes you. You did something interesting. And, yeah, you were very kind to me. I love that fucking store on Sunday nights. Yeah. And the women, when they go up there and coming, there was one of, in there, you know, again, trying to

fucking be movie stars. Sure. Because she looked at comics. Yeah. Mitchie didn't look at you as a pretty chick. She looked at you for being funny. That's why you saw women from all shapes and sizes up there.

But when I was in L.A. I always felt like insane just because I'm just like such an East Coast person and I would get extra nervous there. And people could smell it on you when you're from New York in L.A. Like I was just going to a store and try to do the smallest thing. Like I remember going into like ordering like a like a deli type place and they were just like oh you're from the east coast like

they could just hear it right away because i just have that i'm a lot you know and i don't realize i'm a lot you know and and they were like okay like they're just like yeah you know like i don't have that like kind of conversation before the conversation in my mind like immediacy is politeness so i just come in and i'm like can i have it like and they're just like whoa settle the fuck down yeah like this guy's just been napping on the beach all afternoon he's like Bitch, fucking, yeah, take some mushrooms. Why are you in a rush? But I, so there's that feeling

when I see somebody that's from the East Coast in New York. It's like, I'm like, I mean in L.A., like it's like handlebars. I'm like, oh, okay, you were nice to me and you're like, I get you. You know, like, and you're sweet. I would watch all the auditions. That's why I took that job. Yeah.

I could talk to her. I could sit next to her. I didn't know you. But I could sit next to her. So when people, when she was watching you, somebody couldn't come over and go, hi, Mitz. An interruptor. So you would like protect her. So I sat next to her. So nobody, if a friend of mine was showcasing, they would get 100% attention from her.

The same thing for me. When I showcased Eddie Griffin sat down next door. And he told me, he goes, I didn't want no motherfuckers in here. Don't know why you were on stage because that's what you do. You sit next door. And when people come over, hi, Mitz. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, not, not.

Yeah, I remember being in like, I remember I got like close to getting, I don't know, what was that show? And they brought in Living Color back and I was like, you know, about to be on it. Like I got to like the top five, but I didn't get the show. I don't know what year it was. It was at least 10 years ago.

It was a while ago. When MySpace was popular, I went to an audition one day. And I knew this woman. She had put me in a lot of role. very nice I have her phone number on there because she called me a couple years ago

she goes you haven't come into audition I go I'm in fucking Jersey and she goes oh my God I'm so happy but she asked me if I knew you and I'm like I don't know no fucking Rachel Feinstein people I did meet you many years ago you were nice to meet

Facebook Myspace and I sent you a thing that said somebody wants you to audition I forget what her name is now really sweet I mean I know I knew when she was fucking single and hot to try. She's got like four daughters. That's how long I was out there.

Yeah. So she asked me and I would always, you know, she would always like ask me what I thought. What do you think about this girl? So she came to you. I'm like, I don't know no fucking Rachel Feinstein. Yeah. And she had the store and they're like, nah, New York.

And I, my space shouldn't, I never heard back. Really? I definitely didn't see that message because that was like Christmas morning for me. I would have been so excited. But I remember being out there. but you were nice to me. I talked to you at the store and you were, you could tell that I didn't know what the fuck was going on around me.

You're like, she needs a little guidance right now. And you, like, explain a few things to me and you were nice to me. And I think earlier that day, I had done some audition out there. And I was really nervous for it. And, like, in L.A., like, they had these auditions that are like, their office is also kind of like their living room. Like, everything's blended together. In New York, everything's separate.

It's like you've your fucking office and you have your house. house. Like, I just didn't understand what the fuck was going on. I was like, there's a bunch of bitches on couches, but it's like California. They're like cozying up. There was a fucking dog in my audition, you know? Like, I'm like, what's... I practiced this audition for like a month. Like, I was so nervous about it. I was teaching my

house myself how to like weep on camera. It was an emotional scene. I'm in the middle of auditioning and the dog just starts sniffing my dumb crotch. And I'm like, this is my moment, bitch, you know? She's like, don't worry about Zoe. This just means she likes you. It's like, yeah, your dog

can't just eat me out during the audition. I have to get through this. Yeah. And I was, but that would be like what would happen in LA. Like, I just didn't understand the vibe. I'm like, people either like here, it's like, you work out or you don't there. It's like, we're going to have a meandering hike and, you know what I mean? And just like, and read each other's oras. And I'm like, no, I want to go to the gym for 30 minutes and be furious the entire time and then go back home again. I want to go to a New York sports club and just play some kind of music that infuriates me and be done with it. Like, I don't understand this. Like, we're half hiking. but, you know, we're also doing spiritual, like, you know, rock work on each other or something.

I'm like, yeah, I want to work out or read each other's signs. No, well, you're in the audition. You yes, and did that. Really? I love to call him get yoga with goats. Yeah, but the dog was going down on me. It was really distracting. I would love to do them on my right.

Book me in a job, and I'll do whatever fuck you want me to do. I'll get the dogs, the whole fucking thing. But until then, let's just get the job going. In L.A. Yes. And I noticed that. In New York, I went to three auditions. in the city, they were all in hotel rooms.

Right. They were always in somebody's... One time I went and I saw a fucking... Hotel room, yeah. The really good-looking dude from... He's married to Victoria, the soccer player, Beckham. Oh, yeah. He was staying at the hotel.

I'm like, what the fuck are you doing it? I'm standing here, I'm a rock at the house. I went to an audition once where they asked me, when I got to the audition, they asked me... It was for some, like, independent film network or something. something. And I was just doing that, just bullshitting. I didn't know shit about independent film. I knew nothing. I was a deep moron. And I feel like also I get, I get credit for having more information because I'm like sarcastic and Jewish, but I'm like, I didn't go to college. Like,

I don't know your, I don't know your like art film. So we're in the middle of the, the audition and a lady was like, why don't you tell me some of the film, but I was being funny, so I was kind of getting close to getting it. Like they liked me. And then she's like, why don't you tell me the films that have most inspired you, like the indie films that really changed the course of your life. And I was like, you can't say like, I couldn't be like catty shack, you know? The love bug. That's what I did. I went to Emerson. It would suck. Because everyone was like, oh, my favorite film is, it was that French one. Uh, I can't, it doesn't matter. It was in French. And I was like, I like the anger man. Like, I feel like all those art films, it was like the

boy in the red balloon or some shit. And I was like, coming to America? Yeah. Like, I don't know. So, so I said, I remember that I go, there was an actor. There was a movie with Diane Lane. And it was I don't even know if it was an independent film, but it was a movie where she, I think she's an affair on her husband, and she, I think it's unfaithful or something? Yeah, Richard Gere. Right. Richard Gere played the husband.

I loved that film. And the guy in the film, I can't remember his name, but they said, what are your favorite independent actors? And I said, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, they said, if you could be with one man, like one independent, like, you know, actor in a movie, like, you know, who's the sexiest one to you? But I didn't remember the guy's name and unfaithful. So I said,

Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who apparently is like some elder author that wrote like 100 years of solitude. He was like 96 or something. And they just looked at me like, this girl doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about right now. I was like, oh, you know who if I could have 24 hours, no questions asked, you know, who could really punish me? And I was like, Gabriel Garcia, and they're like, I think he's, are you sure you know what you're saying right now? They're like, because he's dying and I believe he's 97 right now. Like, yeah, bitch, he is calling cancer. Yeah.

He could be your grandfather. And I'm like, he can do anything with me. No rules and no apologies. And I just didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. It's crazy, man, that whole world. Yeah. It is. But, you know, I feel like, I do feel bad for people that don't do stand-up at least

or don't have something they can do immediately. Because it's like, at least with us, no matter what happens, we can go on stage. We can go have fun with our friends and talk some shit. Like, I'm not sitting around waiting. Like, once that dog. was eating me out. I knew that I wasn't going to get a callback, but I could go up at the store that night, like meet you or have something else exciting happen, you know? So I do feel like it saved me from waiting for this, you know, imaginary call from like, Mr. Hollywood that's going to put me in

the pictures, you know? Because the other day, like, I could still go have a laugh with some friends, you know? Stand up. I don't know. Stand up is a fucking wild animal. Yeah. I didn't learn what stand up was to Roseanne was on Larry King Live. And he asked her, he goes, why did you throw the ABC executives out of your Christmas party? And she goes, I'll tell you why. Because none of them know what the fuck they were talking about. She goes, you got to remember one thing about comedians. We produce, direct, right, we do it all.

We don't even know what we're doing. I guess you're right. But we're doing it all. We do it all. That's when people come up to you. Hi, I produce a show at Gotham. Go fuck yourself. You go produce a pillow fight

What the fuck out of here? Get the fuck out of here. I'm fucking produce that. You're right. We do have to do all of it. And we do have to develop some level of street smarts too because we're just hurling our bodies all around the world. Yeah.

No. And even that's, I think that stand-up grounds you. I mean, a lot of actors got famous and they all went through the store or they did stand. You know, Michael Keaton, Andy Garcia. They all experimented with it. just to see where it took them. Yeah.

And they just moved on. It's the ones that become actors. And then when things get bad, they want to do stand-up. I'll smack you in the fucking face. Those people from Saturday Night Live, I love them to debt, but they're not stand-ups. Right. Yeah. They're not stand-ups.

And it pisses me off when somebody will say to me, you know who's really funny? This guy. And I'm like, hold on. That's a comedic actor. Yeah. That guy gets cut. Cut. You didn't say the line right.

The line is this. Okay. And he has to say it again. and all these idiots got to laugh all over again. No, we don't have that in stand-up, bitch. No. Okay?

They're a comedic actor. Yeah. Stand-ups. It's me, a fucking microphone, and bricks. That's it. Fuck your chicken wings. Fuck your nachos. If you watch all those early Richard Pryor fucking albums,

was it something I said? The other two that I like that you can't say now, I'm going to, you know, you know. Yeah, no, I do also feel like, I feel like when people, when I was on the road a lot, like, you know, like the year, you know, not some, some, some, some, like years of my life were crazy where there was nobody else waiting for me so I could just be on the road. But I do feel like you also learn what actually makes people laugh and people will very quickly go to you like, oh, no, that's not really funny. It's like, I've taken this to the depths of hell and back. Like, and that's when I also realize when people would be like, nobody wants to laugh at that.

nobody's ready for this. Like I'm like it's not true. People, you go anywhere. People will laugh at anything. They don't care. You know, like, and that's the one thing that I do feel like people kind of will dismiss stand-ups, but I'm just like, we know because we go around every pocket of this country. And we actually know what people are laughing at today and that they don't give a shit.

Like, that's why stand-ups were the first person people to know that like the woke thing wasn't going to laugh, like the thing about being worried about everything you're going to say. Because at the end of the day, people don't care. Fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you. Like the bitch that's writing me. a joke about like, how dare you disrespect your husband, he's a hero, or whatever. And I'm just

like, the firemen are the ones at my show. Like, it's like my show's now 80% fucking firemen who just want me to trash them. Yeah, I'm like, no, they don't give a shit. You think they care or they hurl their bodies into burning buildings? Come home and punch a wall. You think they're worried about some Jews joke? Yeah, they don't care. Don't tell me what people care about. That's why people ask me all the time. How come we don't go to clubs in the city? I'll tell you what. Because if I walk into one of those clubs and I see those little young pussies, cringe, I will knock the fuck out of them and go off. Like, I will go off, you little fucking faggot, your mother raised a faggot.

I mean, you can tell they don't eat egg, they don't eat egg yolks. That's how come they all became pussies, because this new generation, nobody wants to give them egg yolks. They eat those egg whites. Wait, how are you creating egg yolks? Because egg yolks are one for each fucking nut. That's the way it is since you were born. You ate two egg yolks a day.

for each nut. Then some white guy said no, no, no, no. They're not good for you. Now look outside. That's amazing. All these little skinny faggots with the fucking blue shoes and the brown. Look at these young guys. They do fucking little wigs on their head. They're looking at fucking. Those are fags.

They don't even know their fags yet. They have no idea. I do. I do. They have no fucking idea. The eggio makes you gay theories the most amazing thing out of her. No, no. It just weakens you from the fucking egg-o is good. But don't you think the gay guys

don't give a shit? Like you can say anything to gay guys. No, anything. As a crowd in general, I'm just saying like gay guys, usually they don't get a-give-a-shed. When you start comedy, you always have these things you put in your head. Like, I hate it doing comedy for people with white hair. Right, right. As soon as I saw somebody a white hair, I'm going to bomb.

No, you're not. Right. No, you have those little things in your head. That's so true. You have those little things in your head. I can't say this. Dog, I saw Andrew Dice Clay light a room full of fags up in fucking Vegas, and they loved it. they were crying, bringing them up in the things.

He went up there and told them, he goes, they're going to build a whole new hotel for you faggots. And you know, I feel most afraid when I'm like, with the time that I had been nervous in the past was like, was like when I'm doing shows in front of like old Jews because I'm like, they are disappointed in me. Like I am a disappointment to most Jewish fathers. Like, yeah.

Like they don't want me out there going rogue like this, talking all this shit, you know? Don't start laughing. Ripping them. No, I do feel like. now I've gotten past it. But like I think in the beginning, like I remember when I got, when I did the last comic standing and I got eliminated and I was next to like Felipe Asparza, who's a really funny comic, but like, you know, I didn't know I was going home first of all. You know when you

like don't know you're going home yet. Like I thought I had another show or two at me. So they go like, they go like, comics please step forward. And I was really feeling myself. And I was like, this other comic Tommy John again, really funny. I was like, Tommy, let's do like a dumb dance when they tell us to step forward. I was like, I'll do like a shit. So I was doing a fucking shimmy and then they told me to leave. I was like mid shimmy. I'm like, wait, no, I'm not supposed to leave right now. I was like just doing the dumbest.

And then I got a million texts. Not like, I'm so sorry they eliminated you. Like, were you just doing a shimmy? And I'm like, no, but ironically. But I do feel like a lot of times like, like when I looked at Felipe's crowds, they had signs for him. Like the Latinos come out for their fucking people. You think the Jews were proud of me being up there?

They were like, oh my goodness. It's just too much. And the Jews invented this shit. in Auschwitz, they were doing somebody that was doing standing. Right? They're all getting ready to die. Let me tell you a joke one time.

Three Jews and a Nazi walked in, there goes to match. There goes the oven. I do feel like there's a lot of times there'll be like a Jewish couple in my show. And I don't think they knew that they were going to see me. Like I feel like they leave and they're like, Diane Feinstein seemed very uptight tonight.

I don't know why she's dating that police officer. Like I feel like a lot of times, old Jewish ladies leave my show and they meant to go to a different show. Do you know what I mean? They're like, Mama Mia was supposed to be good, but then we saw that terrible whore. Oh, well.

No, I used to all, I think all comics have, like I said, I didn't want to talk about abortions or Auschwitz. We also have the same thing for audiences. We always have, like I remember going to North Carolina on a fucking college run. I was so excited. Oh, my God. Chapel Hill. I hated those

motherfuckers afterwards. They fucking didn't laugh. I'm like you're in college. This is shit you laugh at you little gay fucker. I do feel like sometimes our colleges that are really uptight, yeah. Yeah, this is 15 years ago. Really? Yeah. Before the wokeness. I don't, if I'm

18, all I want to hear about is tits, pussy, and fucking beer, right? That's, you know, nobody wants to hear about anything else. You know, when you're 18, 19. I thought knock down there dog they were like what the fuck are you talking about we all right I guess I gotta go

wait what also it's a fucking college's fault if it's college it books Joey Diaz like what the fuck do you guys think which college first of all that's what I want to know And here's the sick thing They had a wet t-shirt contest at halftime so they brought up two comics at a wet t-shirt contest

and then I followed the wet tish contest so I'm like I'm in like Flint I'm gonna go up and talk about a flatjack titty's Yeah if you follow damn tits It's on them. Yeah. A titty smells like curry. No.

They just stared there like. I'm like, okay. There was a wet t-shirt content. In between, which you know you hate that shit as a comic. You just want to get back to your hotel room. Oh, my God. The worst thing I've ever had to follow. I did a gig once.

And the woman was like, oh, just so you know, really quick before you go up. And she said this, I swear to God, Joey. She said it like it was just an offhanded thing. She goes, oh, so they're all ready for you in there. Just one quick thing. And then you go, oh, oh, what's that? She goes, just a special needs choir singing the star spangled banner.

Which I would argue. She said it offhandedly. Oh, nothing. Just a special needs choir singing the star spangled fucking banner. And then you. I would argue that it's better to follow, I'd rather follow Hitler.

Because I can trash Hitler. I can't trash. I'm not going to make fun of a special needs choir. I would much rather. Follow Hitler. Then follow his special needs quiet. Where was this? Do you remember where this was?

It was like at a temple in, I think in Jersey. It was Jewish people. Yeah, it was like a temple gig in Jersey. Yeah, I get it then. But it wasn't like during the day. It was like an evening, some kind of fundraiser thing or something. And you know everybody there on a Friday night and now want to see a bunch of little retards fucking.

I think some of them were their parents. So they were like emotional and weeping. And then they're like, and now keep it going for this. trash pig. Yeah, everyone got sold to them as the special needs choir. Yeah, and by the way,

the special needs choir was jumping up and down afterwards and hugging each other. Like, they didn't think they could make it through it. So I can't go up. I mean, you can't acknowledge it. Don't you think it's so much better

to follow Hitler than a special needs choir? I'm telling you. Because Hitler I can make fun of him, you know? And it's always in the Midwest. The Midwest have the goofy things. Yeah.

The Midwest always have the fucking people. Oh, before the show, we're going to give a special shout out to all the fucking army people in the area. Well, if you have more than two fucking kids that join the army, this ain't a good fucking town. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. No, they don't set the rich threats to the army. I mean, you're not wrong. Yeah. You know, when you work to Midwest, you always have those people. Let's keep it going for the armed service. Listen, they don't want to hear that shit.

Just tell me the material. I know. And you always get the one mom in the back. My son's in Kuwait getting beat up as we speak. or whatever the fuck. You're right. They don't want to think about that. You know, I just, I just,

after a while, you just got to be honest and go, I'm not coming to be anymore. You're not going to, like, what do you mean? I don't care how much money they make me, or how bad I need it, I'm not coming out. I would have to do comedy anymore. It's just a couple states that you learned right off the bed.

I did a show in Chicago once. It wasn't even Chicago. They told them it was all, whatever that's, what Chicago called the state? Illinois. Illinois. What the fuck it is? It was at the edge of,

it was like the cat. Capitol of meth. Yeah. During my show, everybody was fucked up. And then when the parents left... There were parents there? Huh? It was a Mexican restaurant.

They were bringing headliners in once a month. Guys, there's only two planes out of there a day. A day. This is bringing up gigs I've done because... Oh, my God. Yeah, at a certain point, it's almost like abuse. Like, it's like, I've detached. I've gone to some of the darkest places in the world.

And you just detach. you're like a child going to a meadow where it's safe while your uncle's abusing you. Like I'm like, this is bringing up memories for me. I play, and it was like, one time I remember I was on my, it was my fucking birthday and I was on stage freshly dumped by some guy, lost my suitcase.

I was like in a, fucking some university sweatshirt of some bitch that own the club. Then she's like, just so you know, we don't have a sign outside. We lost our sign rights. Like, that's how poor this town was. I'm like, well, how are they going to find the club? I don't know. She's like, I'm sorry.

Shelly, but they need a sign outside, you know? No idea. On stage, like 10, 9, 8. Like, how did I not just hang myself? Like, that's when it's, like, how did I not just walk into the ocean and drown? It's so tough. And the crazy thing is that as a comic, you want to do comedy, but this ain't what you signed up. No.

No, I told me any of this, yeah. I didn't sign up for it. I thought stardom was something different. Yeah. I thought that, you know, stardom. Whatever the fuck it is. I don't know.

Human decency. You know, yeah, human decency. No, it's true. There's none of it. No. I played in a laundry mat, you guys. People were doing their laundry.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'd done laundry mats. You had done your laundry. Yeah. And the name of the show didn't even have a ring to it. It was like suds and laughs or something. And it was just like a few lonely people doing their laundry and me following them around the laundry match, just bothering them with my dumb act. And then you go home after that.

And somehow I didn't kill myself. I don't know how. It's anyone's guess. I used to go home and cry and do Coke. What the fuck am I doing with my life, man? I love when the door's on stage, so they have to come in through you. Oh, God, that's the dumbest thing.

That's always my favorite. I did a gig in Amsterdam where the guy kept, like they open up the show and they act like the guy could barely make it in. Like he goes through the kitchen. Like, oh! He's like skidding on stage looking at his watch. Like, hey, yay, yay.

And then they bring me on stage. stage, I actually had a pretty good set in Amsterdam. The next comic goes up after me. He was bombing so bad, but we were dying laughing. Because it could have been me. It was just like a order thing, you know. He was bombing so bad they didn't have anything to cut to. They just cut to some fucking Austrian bitch drinking an empty glass.

Oh, they were filming it. Oh, no. She was just like, ah. Yeah, I mean, you know, but there was many moments on stage where I was just like, I wish, but I had no backup plan. That was the thing with me. Me neither. I said to myself, if this fails, I'm just going to kill people and sell drugs until it was a club in New York, the old triple in.

Do you remember that? I do. The open mic started 11. I was in there one night with a suit on thinking, you know, I'm like a fucking idiot. Like, I'm going to make it. I'm in New York City. And I'm doing comedy for nine people. But I see the chick's hand going up and down with a client.

She was giving them a hand job with the old triple in. Like she went a homeless girl outside. Are you serious? Yeah. Oh my God. But then two nights later, I saw Legu Zama go up there. And he treated like it was Madison Square Garden. Yes.

And I was when I learned, oh. You know, it's just a set, guys. Yeah. But once you see a girl giving a hand job or you're like, I'm not going to, this is not what Lenny Bruce talked about in his book. No. Lenny Bruce did not talk about this in his book. Nobody does.

we forget, but then when people bring it out that hand jobs. But I will say, like, release with you guys, like you go off stage and you as comedians on the road, you get laid. Like, do you know what it is to be a female comic on the road? Like, you're just, you might die. Somebody could kill you. The club a lot of times tells your, they think it's like a good thing to tell the audience where you're staying. They're like, and all our comics stay at the holiday. It's great for the guys.

They're like, here's where you can come blow me after the show. for us I'm like oh yeah stop by make a suit out of my skin after my fucking 10 o'clock show and I'm already going to kill myself I'm in Idaho yeah like so I do feel like there's another level of like active danger but I do you know you have I guess it was some combination of of not having any other skills for me and also just like you know I loved I love I love fandom and I loved it yeah there was no backup plan and you know when you say that it's easier for comics They go home, yeah, we fuck girls, but those girls are a nightmare. Right. Okay?

Yeah. Wait, why was that the moment? Are you? No, because they are. You know, I think about it now. Were you thinking about some old lay you had 20 years ago? No, like I think about it now. Like, all those girls were mentally challenged or something because they would come to a show

ready to fuck the comics. Right. But again, you're in small towns. But the opposite that happens to us. Like, guys will come up to me after a show and, like, give me a, pound. They'd be like, good shit. Like, they talk to you like you're a man or something, you know, like, not that I would have wanted to hook up with a stranger. I was, you know, but just like to have somebody like, oh, maybe they'll ask me on a date or something. No one's

going to ask the comic. Yeah, it doesn't happen. Yeah, you're just throbbingly lonely. And she can be really hot and they'll stay away from her. Never, ever, ever. And they just assume things in their mind. They're assumed that she's married or whatever, but don't think it's a fucking, I have a thousand stories about those crazy women that came into your room and you're like, why did I let him in my room? Yeah. Why? Now I wish they could fucking just leave, you know?

And then they don't leave. No, you've had to, yeah. You just learn and you're like, that's it. Nobody else is coming in my room no more. I'm going outside and getting a blow job. Or in the weeds or something like that. I remember. I think Jimmy once your floor routine, we were talking about him before.

I can't remember if it was on this now because now at this point I'm kind of drunk. But Jimmy would, you know, help me when I first started. And I remember sometimes, like, he would do a thing. I think it was that he would, when he was trying to get laid, he would take all the, oh, that's what he would do. He would take all the furniture out of his hotel room and put it in his features room so there was nowhere else for the girl to sit but the bed. Can you imagine Jimmy just moving a coffee table like down the hall at some like Kinta just so that he. I do some creepy fucking things out there though. Yeah.

No, it's weird on the road. I will say that. I'm like that. I hope nobody ever, and you know what? Nobody's ever, even today, I'm like, that chick from fucking Beaumont, Texas, better not call now and say she remembers what happened. But none of them. No kid, no pop-up kids, no surprise kids. Nothing. It's just the weirdest thing that I learned so many things about women at the comedy store. Like, a woman on a fucking date would come and then blow a comic in the back room while she was on a date and go back to the table. nothing happened. God damn it.

He probably was a hack, too. If I could, I'd be the Robin Hood of Pussy and take it away from some of these hacks and give it to the good writers. It's a really weird, listen, you've got to be crazy to do stand-off. You have to be insane. Obviously, I'm unwell. But also, I also feel like a lot of times, like, I would be opening for a guy. I don't know if you ever had this experience, or like, some guy would be featuring. And I would be like, the guy would be the biggest hack, but then he'd be the loveliest, nicest person you've ever met in your life.

So you do meet these people that are just mentions, they've been on the road forever. I remember I had, like, I was like selling my album after my show. And this guy was opening for me, and he was selling stickers that said, Beaver Hunter, Catch and Release program. And let me tell you, they were, like, flying off, like, hot cakes. Like he sold every last sticker, you know? Well, that's what they're there for. Like, they'll talk, because I'm featuring right now.

That's what I do. And they'll talk, they'll be like, oh, I've sold out of every shirt, and they made $1,600 in shirts, and they do. Yeah. That's gross. Who would want to, I wouldn't want to have to do that joke to sell that shirt. And sometimes it'll be the sweetest guy, too. Like, you know, he just, he, and you could see the fatigue in his eyes when he was saying it.

He's like, I'm a vapor hunter. Catch and release program. Come on, ladies, just $5. At the end, you could just see, like, again, like he was just going to go back to his room and, like, do a line and finalize his divorce. Like, he was just trying to make money. You know?

I love the road. I love the road. And then it just, once I stopped doing drugs, I'm like, I don't want to go on the road no more. Yeah. Because I would go on the road to do drugs for my wife wouldn't know. And I was like, fuck it.

Once I got cleaned, I'm like, I don't want to go on the road no more. What was, I don't know if you cover this story or if you don't want to talk about it, What was the last thing where you were like, I can't do drugs? Like, what was the thing where you stopped? Listen, I was trying to quit for like three fucking years. Mm-hmm.

Because I knew I was going into the major leagues. Mm-hmm. You know, you're going into the major leagues. You can't bring this shit into you. Right. You're in the fucking major leagues. I did that movie for Adam, and I really got motivated to quit. And then it was just a thing that happened three days.

my friend got cancer and she was in the hospital for a long time. Real dirty comic. Comedy store regular, and Missy loved her. And I went to see her at a house and she was talking to me and she goes, you know, God wants me to not do dirty jokes no more.

She goes, if I live from this, I'm never going to do a dirty joke again. In the middle of all that, she stopped. And she goes, you got to stop the dog. And the way she looked at me, she was dying. I knew she was like a week or two away from dying. But how she looked at me, like, you gotta stop doing a coach. And I was like, I thought about it.

And then I had something here. Had the whole weekend here, and they put me up at the... No, what's the fucking hotel off the three? Where they sell Howard Johnson, where they sell fucking... They sell saltwater taffy and all that shit. I don't know if it's still there. This is about... Yeah, this is 2007.

when this happened. And I remember, like, being excited to come here, and I bought Coke that Friday. And I went back to the room, and I'm like, you know what? I'm not in the mood to do this. And the next day I got the call, she died. Oh, my God. I'm like, I'm really not doing this package.

So it was like... I went back to L.A. And they had a thing for her at the comedy store, like that Tuesday. Mm-hmm. And I went, and it was L.A. So even people who didn't like her were there, like, you know, eating the food. Sure, of course, yeah.

I saw this one motherfucking producer that I knew she had problems with. And he's back there eating the food, you know, like nothing. And I said, and I had coke in my pocket. I'm like, I'm not going to go through this without doing coke. And then I got on stage and I was doing some material and I just stopped. And I go, you fucking cocksucker, how dare you come to her fucking wake. He used to talk shit about it. He's like, I go, you're not even funny.

He's not even a fucking comedian. He's like, I put, his name was Jeff Valdez. And he was half Jewish, half Mexican. And that was his fucking act. He'd come out with a hat on. He put like jingles on a yarmaca and play the guitar. Oh, God.

Why does he have to be? He's a fucking comic, motherfucker. And he goes, my name is on the wall. And I'm like, that's him sucking dick. His wife was there. Everybody was, I just, I don't like that shit. You don't like somebody around. I'm paying my respect.

You don't need to pay your respect. You didn't like them. Get the fuck out of here, you fake fuck. I just drilled into this motherfucker, and I just said, listen, I'm going to wrap this up in five minutes. When I get off the stage, if you're still here, I'm going to fuck you motherfuckers up.

And this motherfucker yells, but my attorney's here. I'll fuck him okay. Dog, when I put that mic down, I had 20 comics on me like, Joe, you don't even. He left. They had to leave. And I remember that night, I didn't do the Coke.

And I was like, fuck. Then that week, my wife brought two people. kittens upstairs. And they were going to die. They had anemia, whatever the fucking was. And I liked the one, but I didn't like the other motherfucker. The one kitten, I didn't like, I'm like,

die. But the other one I was sad about like he was going to die, and I kept feeding the oatmeal and shit. And I went to bed that and then I was doing coke. And I went to bed that night, and my wife walked me up at 4 and she goes, Jimmy, uh, DJ died.

And I was like, closed the door. And I go, you know what? this other cat can't die. And I ran to him, I got on my knees and I go, God, if you save this motherfucker, I'll never do coke again. Trust me, I was like, Nahyahu. I had my fingers crossed, you know what I'm saying?

Behind me, cease steel, cease fire, yeah, sure. I got these motherfuckers. That cat lived. I never did coke again because I made a promise. That's incredible. And it was a promise to God. It was a promise to me as a man that I had to do that.

It was time, like it was just time. And I tell people all the time, I did so much. I did more. In 18 years, I did my whole life. I couldn't imagine if I wouldn't have done coke all my life. How much more I would have done? Do you think you would be alive today if you kept going or no?

No. I was ready to die. Because I was already getting jolts on my back. Yeah. I could feel them jolting on my neck and stuff. I knew. And again, I didn't want my wife to find me on the floor. Yeah.

There's some people who cut out for that. They find you. They call the ambulance and they move on with their lives. I knew she couldn't handle it. I knew that if she woke up and saw my little fat feet in the kitchen, she wouldn't have made it. That would have been rough for us. I was like, I'm saving her life.

I'm, you know, saving my own. And that cat lived. And I got a fucking chain of that cat in my car. Oh, that's such a beautiful thing. I got a pillow or somebody made me from that cat. And I bet you anything, you know, you telling that story will really, really help somebody. You never know who your story is going to help. Listen, man, we make problem.

I was in jail. It's a powerful story. I was looking at 48 years, and that wouldn't stop me from snort and coke. I would take furloughs to get an ounce of coke knowing they were going to test me on Monday. And then I'd have to drink vinegar. Yeah. I can put dreidel on my dick, you know, to fall into the piss test. Please, you have no idea.

So it was just over. Like one day it just says, you know what I mean? One day you were like, I took this to the play. Yeah. And you knew something and you knew. It wasn't a re-had. It wasn't God. it wasn't anything. At one point

your life as a man, as a woman, you've got to go this is over today. Yeah, it's over. It's a wrap. It's a rap. There's no coming back. There's no well, I relap, no. There's nothing. You're a fucking man, bitch. You know, and now you've got these people, I'm clean for 90 days, drinking water. I'll smack you. You weren't even supposed to do drugs.

Yeah. Why are you so fucking proud of yourself? Lee, all right? I'm fine. I'm playing. Lee does not know where he is right now. You didn't hear the whole time. Every hour it's almost jarring because I'm like, oh, wait, he is here. Is he okay? I'm fine.

It's just really weird what you, the shit you've got to put up with people now, the stories and the fucking, and you're like, it's that easy. Either you want it or you don't, bitch. Yeah. What's it going to be? What's it going to be? Yeah. It's that easy.

But people, you know, want to do new nine rehabs. if you're not ready to stop, you're not going to stop. Something in you knows, yeah. Look at these idiots go to jail. And what happened in jail? They all get the Bible. Oh, the Lord, fucking two feet off that fence. That Bible goes up in the air.

Once their homies come to pick them up and they smell a boy. At the end of day, you're ready or you're not. Whether it's your dradled dick theory or a fun loving kitten, you're going to fucking be ready when you're ready. No, it's true. I feel like sometimes just something. But also, I feel like that lady, you loved her and she changed the course of your life and you knew that she really loved you.

I do think that kind of, you know, look, don't play soft piano music under my monologue, but I know nothing. But I'm just saying like I do feel like sometimes that kind of drug use, and I say this as somebody who has loved alcoholics my whole life, I do feel like it comes from a sense of, you know, self-loathing. And if you know somebody loves you, and if you really see it, it can change the course of your life,

just really believing them in that, moment. You know, it's like when you have that fucking peanut butter, the jar won't open, you give it to your uncle, he's got muscles, steroid Louis, but then your grandma comes on a look, it just takes that one. It takes like that one person. Maybe she, I don't know, it was just weird the way she said it to me. She said, God wants you to stop smoking coke.

She, like, stopped her conversation. She looked at me, she goes, God wants you to stop doing coke. And I was like, fuck. Okay, good luck. But there's also who she was. She was very close to you. You know, you knew she was about to pass on. She used to hold the Coke from me.

Right. When I was selling Coke at the Comedy Store, I would give it to her at night to hold to her and her husband. And then I would go over the next day and get it on. I would go knock on that door at five. I need that shit. But she had that insight probably towards the end of her life. Her husband was a ganglia.

Her husband was a Crip. Yeah. She was Mexican. Her husband was black as can be. Tough and a nail. Crip. He ran his own set, and one day he comes up to me at the comedy, so he was like, can I talk to you, brother?

Like, he goes, man, I got to get in on this Adam Sallelham movie. That's my favorite motherfucker in the world. I'm like, you're a Crip. You're like Adam Sallie's dog. I'll kill for Adam Sallel. So I had to bring him on the show. I told everybody he was my probation officer. And Bert Reynolds got a hold of him for like eight hours.

He's like, I became friends with Bert Reynolds. I got these motherfucking number and shit. That's amazing. Yeah, I like, oh, my probation officer wants to come to that. Like, we didn't even know you're on probation. Yeah, I got problems, Adam. I do feel like Coke also, like, I did Coke for a few times when I was like in my early 20s.

I loved it. I don't really have as much an addicted personality, really. But I was like, even I knew, I was like, this is delightful. Like, and you know when you find your drug? I was like, this is my drug. but I'm so vain that I look like shit the next day. Like you look jacked up. I wouldn't look in the mirror.

No, it was mangling me. I was doing it. I would never look in the mirror. Yeah, and I was like, I'm 20. Like, I can't do this to myself. I was like 20, 21. Yeah. And I stopped. But also I feel like people lie on Coke to such a degree that it's like,

that is one thing that helped me to decide that I wasn't going to do it again was just like watching other people on Blow because nothing makes you look more ludicrous than when you're not on below talking to somebody who is. I remember I was dating this guy and just, he's like, I'm not doing it. I know you want to fight right now, but I'm not on it. He was just like a wild alcoholic. I'm like, just blow all over your nose.

He's like, I'm not doing, not taking the bait. I know you'd like to pretend I'm high right now, but I'm not. Yeah, he was fucked up out of his mind, just drunk and high. And then he just sort of slowly fell into the carpet, like right after he said that. He's like, I'm not doing it, bitch. You want to fight with me. You can go ahead and fight, but I don't get out. But that's why it's about the road.

You meet those cofiends on the road. you could put coke in their asshole on their pussy on their titties I didn't have that shared experience I was fucking savage I didn't put as much I never put titty's coke on no tities You put a fucking ice cube or you put

those rock candies You know what I love is that you respected me enough To think that I might have had that story Like I'm like oh yeah The good old day is when I was headlining And fucking smothered some bitches cans with blow I wasn't even headlining I was featuring for Joe

all those motherfuckers what happened to Joey Deers that's why Joe calls me the breeze no goodbye no nothing I would go right to the office give me an advance yeah we're gonna check with Joe listen give me the fucking advance

just give me the fucking 100 I would take the $100 bill and I would buy coffee could you find it anywhere? Yeah the waiter I guess everybody has it yeah and what would they tell me like stay away from that girl

that's the girl right right You bring home and she does two bumps and she's like on the chair. You're like, oh my God, she's grinding the fucking chair on blow. You could do it. I can like candles in her asshole. This is going to be great.

And then I would just go to Miami. Right. I would go to that improv down there, Coconut Grove. And they booked the features for two weeks in a row. I would leave their fucking... Would you have any money left? Would you be able to just blow it all? Once you started, you didn't stop.

I would leave Miami owning them $250 for the next time. And then I just finally got the owner's credit card. All right. I got the general manager, Joe's dog. These motherfuckers forget I'm from New York City. I got his, he gave it to me once.

I said, I'm going to Montreal. And he just took his American Express card, the improv, and put on the table. Tell him, you can pay me out of your check. Shit. I was booking flights everywhere on that fucking credit card. Oh, my God. It's like a year I was booking flights on that bitch.

And then Joel, you know, Joe, the guy from fucking Tempe? Like, I don't know if you ever met him. He's the owner. He's one of the owners. I was there the first night he got on. December, like 30th, 1999, 98. He was just a fucking assistant manager. And he was so green that he would turn and count the money at the end of the night.

but this way and he would look at the safe I would go in there and take a hundred right off the top right in front of him and go Joe let me get another hundred advance what are you talking about? Give me another hundred he's like you don't have no money go call fucking Joe because Joe was the boss there

call Joe and wake him up I got whatever I fucking want here he didn't even know I already had a hundred that I stole from from top of the thing that's where the bus boys robbed the seat they took $19,000 in the Friday night dog Miami Improb

that's why they made my shirt now. Was the shit? Were you on the road with him? Like, during these days? No. No, I don't have hair. I'm 36.

Which is terrifying. But no, I swear to go. Wow, that's insane. And did they, just, just that, like, stealing from the safe of the owner, like, that is, like, like, that's wild. If you're that stupid,

I got to rob you. Yeah. If you're going to leave money out and look somewhere else at the TV show, I'm going to rob you. I'm that stupid. And I'll take, like, just 100. I'm not going to.

greedy. I'm like, I'm so ADD. I'm like a perfect person to steal from. I'm shedding debit cards. I was like some dumb sack that's wide open, like a fool. I was buck wild on the road. Yeah. We're not making any money, so. Yes. I used to want to Camar. I'd be on the road driving,

I go on the Kmart and take something expensive and walk around. I wouldn't even walk out. I walk right into the counter. My aunt gave me this coffee maker. I already have it. Really? All right, let's return. Do you have a receipt? No. I lost it. It was a holiday.

Do you want check or cash. That's a tough one. You know, because they're like I'm a fucking cash. Give me the cash. Then they give you the tax. The plus tax. So you were even getting the tax back you have no

fucking idea. Did you ever feel like were you ever afraid? Like it seems like you never wore you would get caught. Who taught you? Jersey. Jersey. Just being growing up in Jersey. That's the thing. Yeah. It's like I grew up in Bethes in Maryland. Like yeah, the most like naughty.

thing we did was like steal stickers from like the mall or something yeah you just get better at it like you know the fucking body moves and the body language of people and they don't you know they have no fucking idea yeah but i always said if you're gonna let me rob you i'm gonna rob you even if i'm a Catholic just to show you that you're a dumb can somebody knit that for me please i'd like that on a sampler if you're gonna rob me i'm gonna fucking rob like that also you have to know you have to be ready at any mom Doesn't that make you anxious? When you're robbing people like that, aren't you always thinking you're about to get clocked? Like, do you have to sit in a diner

like next to the wall or something? Does anybody know what I'm trying to say right now? Can you help me? Like, you know, you have to sit by a wall because you know somebody always wants to clock you? Yeah. I don't think you'd stick around for that long. Look, I charged the guy, $2,000 to join the mafia in Colorado. I brought him an application, okay? If you're that stupid and he gave me, and you know, he still calls me. I never heard from those people. you understand what I'm trying to say to you, Doug. I'm an old school fucking thing.

How did he say that he wanted to join? How did that conversation? You have no idea. Don't even start. We could sit here for days, not even hours. That would be amazing if he was like in, like he was in a pancake house applying to be the general manager. He's like, I got a better offer for you, kid.

I still remember casting directors. Oh, my God. I was like a dime a pound of wheat. Oh, my God. I was with a certain agency. and they're like this casting director and I would get her a pound of weed and then I would take like half out

and do the bolder trick I would spray it with a bottle so it's gonna be heavier so she would wait and go it's next day you take that home that weed is dry that motherfucker's half gone and she can call me back

I don't know what that happened oh yeah we're fucking and then I just got to the point if you didn't if you didn't give it to me I was just gonna take it and that's when you're complete but I had no parents

had nobody to say I'm ashamed of you you for being in jail. I was like, fuck it. Let's have some fun. If you're gonna choose this one. Did you change, like, once you stopped doing blow, did you change, like, the way you operated everywhere? And did you tell people? Because I would imagine, if you go back to these places, they're like, oh, there's crazy Joey Diaz. I can go, you know, do lines with him. Like, did you tell people that you weren't doing it? Or how did you stop yourself from the temptation? I stopped a criminal activity when I met my wife.

The only thing I did when I met my wife was I always had to rob a lighter from 7-11. If you're going to put the lighters right there I got to rob you. That kept my powder dry For the years, just stealing those lighters. Every once in a while, I did something like on a movie set. I fucking take the roller skates

from the first movie I was on. I just started stealing roller skates. By the time the movie ended, there wasn't a roller skate over for size eight. Everybody was walking around when I didn't grow the toenails. Basketball. That was my first movie. Really?

I didn't give a fuck, you know. But how did you stop? Like, how did you have a time where you, like, comedy? Comedy, yeah. Comedy. And there was times I would pull up to the comedy store. And once you knew, you just knew you hit the end of the road, so there wasn't really like as powerful a temptation

because you're like, I've done that. I've done every possible. I see people do it all the time. Yeah. They get help, they get steady, six months, and then they do something that's so stupid. Mm-hmm. It doesn't even make sense.

And I remember to still pull up to the comedy store. And 97, flat broke, living with a stripper, fucking. And I'll never, because the checks came out at, like, four. We would go up there early and work, and come on, you got to give me the check. It's like a $130 check. That's how poor we were. Yeah. But I still remember going up there on a Friday and seeing, like, three bottles of Jack Daniels for the weekend and whiskey and the eight cases of beer.

And I thought I took those motherfuckers, you know. A case of Jack Daniels, you're not going to hold that for a long time. That's going to go, you know. And I remember going, like, if I, I. even fuck around up here. It's going to ruin my fucking comedy career. Right. And that's all saying.

Don't let your character ruin your destiny. That's a beautiful saying. I never heard that. It's very simple. Yeah. You know, if you like to suck dick, don't mix it in with what you love. Yeah. You know, and that was my problem.

And then I just kept it a Coke. And I kept it on my own. And I never did it with people. I would do one line at the comedy store and leave. just to get the little fucking wing going. Today I was thinking about that. I would go to my toilet again because we were talking about

how high my tolerance is. When I quit Coke, I would go over there by a half April, 125 at about midnight. Wow. And I couldn't wait to get to the light. Because at the light, I'd snort fucking half of it.

That's a half in April. The whole thing. And by the time I got to my garage and got upstairs, I was a little high, and then I had to get another half April. But I could snore the half April and went shut. Yeah. And that's pretty fucking sad.

Yeah. That's pretty fucking sad. So, I just didn't want to mix my personal life with the comedy store. And it worked. It worked. It fucking worked. Yeah, we did stupid shit up there. But not enough to ruin my career.

I never got banned. I never got banned out of that. You got what they used to call that? Bands, banned, yeah. Nobody ever said they wouldn't have you back, even after you rob their safe. That's when you got a good personality. I got to say that.

You know, what's crazy? Rogan was banned. Really? After the Carlson and Cia thing. Eddie Griffin was banned. A lot of people, she would ban you for a while, and then you worked yourself back in. Yeah.

She used to come up to me, don't take it, get out no more. You know, in the beginning. Don't take it out. It scares people. The fact that she just had to be a say that again and again, just exhausted this poor woman. She's like, for the love of God.

She was great to me. Like, she knew who I was. Yeah. The second night I was a regular, I threw fist up there. And she loved it. And did you have other people that were like, after that your friend that passed,

that cared that much to say that to you? Did you have other mentors? Do you feel like after that or just people that kind of helped you to stay clean? not to go back to that life? Fuck, no. Okay.

Because they don't listen. They don't give a fuck. You know, they don't care. Like, I just went to, I was telling my nephew, this year, this last New Year was the first time I saw somebody snort and coke in maybe 15 years. Like, I never saw that. And not one urge that I have to do it. Like, I just, I did not, I just knew it was not for me anymore. And when I know, because who I am, that if I ever did a line again, I'd be dead the next day.

Yeah. Because I made a promise. Yeah. I made a promise to myself, which is better than anybody else you can make a promise to it. Yeah. So I know for a fact, if I did just a little bit, my life would go to being crazy. The daughter would disappear. The money would disappear.

Everything. My wife would disappear. Yeah. You know, everything would disappear. Mm-hmm. So I always knew that. Even if I didn't snort it ever again, just breaking my fuck. fucking word as a man at that point, I would have been done.

Yeah. I bet it has helped other people. And dog, I love robbing people. I would love to go into a fucking, you know, these little young faggots now that are selling meth and all this shit. What are they selling? You can, you'll say the most beautiful thing in the next thing. You fucking walking there with three guerrillas, kick that door down.

Shoot up, watch and pee themselves. Get against the wall. Suck my dick. It's hysterical. Because that's what we did in the 80s. Nobody was ready for cocaine. Nobody was ready. So after all the gangsters started doing it,

when I came back in 84 from Colorado, all these people that were like decent people were doing it. They didn't know that side of the business. Right. They were like, this is great selling coke, bitch. And then we got motherfuckers from North Bergen who kick your fucking door down and take it from you. And that's when it, because there were suckers.

Right, right. They never had been in his business. They didn't know anything about it. Yeah. They just saw people singing and dance. and getting their dick sucked, but they never thought about the big, bad wolf. They never thought about the big bad wolf.

And it was crazy. I had a protector when I lived in New Jersey all those years. I had two protectors. I had a cop, and I had a buddy in mind, Mike Runny. He was off the fucking chain crazy. And my friend's hashway had to call me to the side and go, that motherfucker don't pay for cigarettes. He just walks by an account and take him.

him. He was a crazy dude growing up. I saw him do some crazy fucking things. When I left here, I was like, what am I going to do? I'm going to do with my protector, and I had to become him. The only way I could survive was by becoming him, and he was off the chain. Like, he didn't even let you put your hands up.

You had something in your head before you even opened your fucking mouth. Yeah. And that's what got me in trouble all the time of that. We're from Jersey. We're from the New York area. We ain't got time for this. And then you smack him, and what do they say? I'm calling the police. You were just talking all this

Wapo shit. What police? What police he had been assaulted? What'd you think we're going to happen? You just called the motherfucker, and you thought he was one of your white buddies from fucking, you know, church, you know. Oh, you're a motherfucker too.

No! You're going to get knocked in the fucking end. There's nothing funny that someone that doesn't expect to be punched. Watch what happens in the age world. Yeah. These YouTubers that I think it's cute coming up to you and saying, oh, Rachel Fein is fat. How about I smack you in the fucking mouth? Let's see how fucking fat you are, motherfucker.

How about I shoot you? They call them 911. Yeah. They're calling their attorney, you know. Wait, you guys, am I fat? And I didn't know. No. That's all I took from that.

No, I do, you can't read the comments. I read the comments and I try myself crazy. Yeah. That didn't slide when we were kids. And that didn't slide at all. And he just didn't fly. Like, no, if somebody said, fuck you, spit, okay, we're out of. And that dude would not say it.

I'm calling the police, you know. That wouldn't happen. You just said that. You knew it was, you knew it to expect. You know, if you didn't, you're a fucking idiot, but you're going to get hit. Yeah. That's what today's society doesn't see. Yeah.

He's a tough guy with the tattoos. Everybody gets a tattoo. And they're a tough guy. Bro. Right. Knock it the fuck off. When I was growing up, you had to do 20 years to get a tattoo. or be in the Navy and shoot a chap.

You know, he had to do something. You had to do something. Okay? You had to do something. These women with the tat... You had to suck a thousand dicks when I was a kid. And you get raped at a biker rally. And if you lived, you got a tattoo of a heart on your fucking foot.

You know what I'm saying? If you lived, if the sperm didn't kill you. Now, you got all these women? A gun? What the fuck? Yeah. No, I mean, I... Ha!

I don't care no one. Look at me acting like I have any point of reference for this. I don't care. Okay. I don't care no more. You got to say the truth. If not, it's the truth. When I hear these tales, I'm so surprised somebody hasn't punched me in the face.

Like, I'm just like, I guess, because I have a mouth on me, but I haven't been tuned up yet. Never say never. No, but I think, I do think also it's just because I grew up like, yeah, I mean, the worst thing that could happen to you was like, yeah, you would get kicked out of, like, Hebrew school or something. I mean, I didn't come from a tough. line of men either. Like, I come from, you know, lawyers that can't process dairy. Yeah, like that's like the worst.

Yeah, that's what I come from. Yeah, I went, yeah, going back to the two egg yolks. Look at it. Nobody has tough stories in my pat. Like, yeah. When we were eating two egg yolks, nobody was allergic to fucking peanuts. All these little, my daughter made the best fucking brownies this week. Yeah. She put walnuts on them. And I'm like, thank you for putting the walnuts. And she goes, you know, these little fags. Even my daughter feels that way. 12-year-old little girl.

She tells me shit sometimes, and I'm like, okay, I'm not fucking crazy. Right. You know, because it's the truth. Ever since we started eating egg whites, kids started, I'm allergic to walnuts. I'm allergic to raisins. Are you fucking kidding me?

Can you tell an Irish motherfucker with nine kids? The father's a fireman, and you're going to come home and tell him. I'm allergic to peanut butter. I can't eat you, you're a motherfucker. I'm saving cats off a tree. You better eat the fucking peanut butter I don't give a fuck if you're going to

fucking asbestos. Phone from the mouth, I don't give a fuck. You're eating that peanut butter. But now the parents play along. Like, oh, yeah, he's allergic to seafin. No, Pete is your, he's like the opposite. No, no, I'm saying like, like, women, I'm allergic to lobster.

Well, you better suck a good dick. You know what I'm saying? You're allergic to lobster. What the fuck is wrong with you? You're a woman. You got to eat. lobster. That comes with lobster, sperm, balls, and fucking, and banana pudding. I don't fucking...

Ha ha ha. Ha ha. Yeah, like, he doesn't... Remember when Frankie, Frankie was, my daughter was, like, six months, but he's the opposite. I feel like firemen are way the opposite, where they don't give a shit about anything. You have to be on fire for them to give a flying fuck. But, like, yeah, I was like, she can't eat carrots yet, you know? Like, she was trying to give her a carrot. She's, like, six months. I'm like, she can't eat that. He's like, she can't eat that. He's like, I wouldn't worry about I know infant CPR. I'm like, you're not supposed to test it out on your own kid. He's like, hey, don't sweat it, sugar.

I know infant CPR. How about just don't feed her carrots? Yeah. But no, I mean, I didn't, I didn't, these stories are fascinating to me. I literally have no point of reference. Like, I'm like, also I played some of these clubs. I'm like, this was going on? Well, I had no idea.

I thought the biggest scandal was whether they didn't fucking, that they didn't give me on my bonus on the late show, you know? had no idea this was happening. They had a comedy club in Kansas City. Do you remember the owner had a wig? I heard about this Kansas City one. Yes. The steam would break the wig, the glue.

He'd be all coped out. Also, I think I came in a little after, like, people were doing this level of blow. No, that was 2003. The first time I did it was like 2001. That fucking guy, Roger Paul booked me in that. Oh, yeah. And he made a comeback to call me in 2000. I was shooting SUV.

And he goes, can you do the club? I can't do Tuesday. Wednesday. Okay. Let me tell you something I get to the fucking airport The plane lands like a 10.30 And I'm waiting

And all of a sudden I'm looking at the wall in this cup And I'm like fuck What do I do now? I don't know You know? And I look and the club manager Run here he's like, you got your license behind you're going to tell them that you're driving Because I'm too fucked up And I'm like, what? All right

And I get the luggage and we walk out And he's like, he's driving, okay I don't know what the hell of the creepy girlfriend and they start snorting coke and I'm like, I hope you could save me some and the guy's like, no, we're gonna do it all and I go, I'll stop this fucking car

and get that fucking cop. Don't play with me. It's 9.45 at night, bitch. Okay, we just found a gram in my pocket. Fucking. Oh, some of these clubs are fucking, you know, they were hysterical, hysterical. That's a complete different podcast

because you're just, on the road. I don't want you to get tortured. I don't want you to get fucking there was club management. I remember. Oh, yeah. There is a lot of insane. When I was going to be agent at Gersh when I was coming up, there was an agent.

Real good looking to the waist down and she was one of those clubby ladies that, I don't know, she never did yoga and not like her assing on her assing to hips. She was banging all the black acts. Right. She banged so many of them. They moved her into literary. they moved her into literary is amazing

like that would be the logical there's no black office you know I don't know I don't fucking know why they moved to the literary oh my god so yeah I yeah I mean like I you have no fucking idea this is the craziest world I had no idea any of this was going on

all I was Joey's a bad boy and I'm never going to this part of Jersey again I'm terrified and I'm lucky I didn't get mugged by a bunch of hoodlums Oh my God Yeah Yeah You know

I mean I didn't Yeah like I said I've been litigated I'm sweating like a faggot Eating a corn dog In this motherfucker You're right next to a heater

Who Turn this fucking heat off Can we take a quick break No we're taking a quick break Rachel Yes Where's your dates Um

I'm I don't know if I'm going on the road Ever again It's not safe out there I think I'm a I'm a secretary now, bitch. No, I'm on the road. Where am I?

I'm going to be in Chicago and a bunch of other cities, San Diego, L.A. and Texas. This week, next weekend I'll be in Texas. You can go to Rachel-Findstein.com or go to Punch Up Live, and you can look my name up. And also watch my Netflix special. It's called Big Guy, and it's streaming right now. I learned so much today, Joseph. God, it's scary out there. I'll get to tell you about the pop rock.

You put in your pussy? And they go, pop, blah, that's a party, too. My grandma told me about that. She's like,

wait, you put pop rocks on the pussy there. It's nothing like it. It's my favorite thing to do during Hanukkah. A little dreidel and some pussy pop rocks.

It's a perfect cocktail. When they put it on your dick and suck it, it's like the 4th of July. It's popping. They don't know what the fuck to do. Fuck the off the moment. Fuego, frigo, Fuego.

Oh my God. Dradle, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel. Have a great week. I got no fucking dates. Yeah, I do. I got, uh... You got fucking...

Moon Tower. Yeah. Moon Tower. Uh, the second show, there's still tickets. I don't know what's going on in Jersey. They say it's sold out, but it's a bunch of people. I don't know. I don't even know.

Who gives a fuck? Oh, May 17th. Parks. Parks Casino, Philadelphia. I know they still got tickets. I never even announced it. How fucking crazy am I. I've been in the hospital and shit.

I have problems, guys. So what's up, Joyce? Not a fucking peep tonight, good. No cafe Tivoli, nothing. All right. We'll be back next week with another fun-filled episode. And we'll have Rachel back to explain all that other shit to it because she's a nice girl.

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