The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Rachel Wolfson tortures Lee!

Episode Date: September 23, 2025

Joey Diaz breaks the big news, Lee got engaged! Lee breaks down the big moment and reminisces about some of the situations he found himself in while single. Hint...there was a lady missing a body part and another one with wild conspiracy theories. Then Joey and Lee welcome Rachel Wolfson (Jackass) to talk about everything from stand up, to confidence, and so much more! Joey and Lee also tell the story of the time Joey left Lee with a women with a head bandage. Support the show and get $5 off your next Magic Spoon order at https://www.magicspoon.com/CHURCH Support the show and get 20% off your first Lucy order with code CHURCH at https://www.lucy.co/CHURCH  

What's happening, you savages, Uncle Joey here with his Jewish Cato, Lee Syatt, another start of the church of what's happening now, New Testament coming at you. What's up, beautiful people, Uncle Joey here. Let me ask you a question. You know, we do certain things. We get hungry. We want a little bit of sugar. And if you want that taste from your childhood without the sugar headache, it's time for Magic Spoon.

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That's magic spoon.com slash church for $5 off, all right? Thank you for eating Magic Spoon. Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. We're back! What's up, you beautiful people? It's a beautiful Tuesday morning, the 23rd of September. What up, Lee? I'm doing good, dude.

How are you? You know, tip top of my goo, feeling a lot better than last Monday. I didn't even know you weren't feeling well. Oh, I haven't been feeling good all week, but who cares? We got one foot in the grave one of banana peel. Jesus. You got to be optimistic. We're here on a Monday, and that's all that matters.

That doesn't sound optimistic. One foot in the grave one in the banana peel. Look, when you're 62, you're in that death neighborhood. Okay? And unless you combat it, if you sit here and go, I'm not going to, die, I'm not going to die, I'm not. Then you're going to lose your mind. You just got to say I'm going to die at some point. And that's it. That's the way it is. Yeah, but every, every week with you, you're dying of something new. You're dying sooner than later. You know, I got the Jewish

fucking worry something. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm dying to sue a motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? I'm dying to sue a motherfucker. So. You're going to come back? No, I'm not dying. I'm just telling you that I've accepted it. I've already written my obituary. Shut up. Yeah, that's how you accept it when you get to R.H. Why fucking run away from it? It's here. So when you die, it comes. It's a foul-halla. I accept it. I just close my eyes and let the Lord take me to the next fucking channel. Are you Buddhist now? No, it's got none of doing it being Buddhist. It's got to do with knowing who the fuck you are and, you know, I can't do the shit I was doing when I was 30-sad. I do a line of Coke now. Forget it. No one wants you to do a lot of Coke. I can't do a lot

of things I used to do. I eat a cheeseburger. I get fucking hard at that. But let's talk about what's important. You got engaged this weekend. I did. Happy fucking congratulations. Thank you, dude. Don't clap for the fucking guy. Don't encourage him.

Not that much congratulations. Don't encourage him. That's like that scene of Godfather when he tells him Michael join the Army and fucking whatever goes, congratulations. Don't fucking encourage him. The fuck is wrong with you joining the Army. Jesus. Yeah, no, dude.

It's been a crazy. I don't know. from what I've been told, you got to hire a photographer. You know, no, you know, it goes nothing. I'm glad I did. You're like, I have a fag. I saw the picture that you out there by the World Trade Center. I was on the water.

Jesus Christ. Second of all. Yeah, but a World Trade Center. No, other side. But I had, I have no idea what I said. Not even a... I don't know what you said either. I don't know.

No, no. I didn't record the audio. Thank God. Because I was cool the whole time. If you were recorded the audio, you wouldn't be here today. You'd be... Even with your little fucking computer right now. right over the bridge on that ferry.

Oh, Jesus. No, but it was great. You're going to record the audio for you, for your kids? Who knows? No. I didn't do it. I forgot. I had a whole lie.

I told her that we were doing, I was doing a show at a temple, and I had to dress up because I've done shows at temples before. And it was great. It was, you know, it was, I brought my mom down. We had dinner that night. Her parents, my mom.

It was nice. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, that was, dude. You're mixing Jews. The Jew is one of the funniest. Oh, and when the check came. Wait till the check comes. I know you picked up that check.

No. The wife did. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Those Jews and those Indians look at each other when they see that check. Dude, I had no idea. Her parents are great, but I had no idea. And I'm not doing material.

But I had no idea that, like, Indians on the same level as Jews was, like, being cheated. Like, they... Dog, they hide it under their elbows. They have. Indians roll shit up. That's where the change is in. Oh, yeah.

It's fucking brutal. Yeah. And that check came. Ooh, I'm surprised at this to argue. Too high. Too high. Are they Chinese now? Too high.

No, it was, uh, but I, like, there needs to be like another, everybody loves Raymond, but like a Jewish mother-in-law and two Indian parents. It was, but it was great.

It was, uh, you know, I moved here a year ago, dude, I had to, I told you when I was moving here. I went through a breakup. I moved to, I was like, I'm done until I'm 40, two weeks. And when I was like, I was like, I was thinking a lot about like when I was like a lot of people listening are like 22, 20, 20, if you were with me since I was 23, I had no luck

with women. And like, I was always like too desperate. You were trying to do this. And like, it sounds cliche, but like when everyone says it like, when you stop looking for whatever, it comes. That's when it is. And it was... I told people all the time.

Those people that dress up and put a lot on on Fridays. You're in no danger. You know, a little bar meet a dirty hole and, you know, with fucking diseases. Oh, my God. It's when you're just walking the streets and you bump into a chick at the library. Hi, how are you? Good. Maybe we should exchange numbers.

But you didn't even do that. No, Hinge. I met around. I don't... I have, I have no idea. I would have loved to have seen you at that age. Because I have never once picked up a girl at, like, a bar outside. I have no idea.

And what do you think? I was picking them up like fucking tabs? It sounds like you had a couple. No, because you had drugs involved. Okay. Not because you had charm because you had cocaine involved. And that's like a fucking left hook. You know, who needs a big dick when you got an ounce of Coke?

You know what I'm saying? Oh. Oh my God. And I never had any of that. But it was, dude, I'm excited. It's going to be just very low key. Like this whole, I don't know. I got, I got.

very lucky. We're just going to have a couple friends. You got married under a tent? No, no tent. End of the end of the year. My favorite week of the year? Temple? No. Honeymoon? At some point. We might go to Vegas for a couple days. Jesus? No.

What the, you told me she's a gazillionaire. Forget Vegas. No, we're going to Australia. We're going somewhere at some point. Tell her, listen, I married you, bitch. But now you got to lift that rock. Because I want to go to Buckman Israel. I want to do a comedy show at the wall. First of all, that would be great.

Yeah. You're going to be on a fucking Vegas. Well, we're getting married. Why don't you get $200 million moved to Austin, too? I get $200 million. I'm going to fucking Spain. I don't have $200 million. But no, we, uh, it's, we're getting, it's like a, we're going to do a small thing

between the week between Christmas and New Year's, just that week. And then. Don't think I'm giving you off that Monday. I'm not. I'm not. I already looked it up. I already looked up. I'm leaving.

I'm leaving. That's why I'm not doing a honeymoon. There's no fucking honeymoon. I'm waiting for you to die and then I can go on the honeymoon. Unless you go to France. If you go to France or Brazil or somewhere interesting, I'll give you three weeks off. Oh shit. But if you're going to go to Vegas, you get big.

No, no. What we're doing? If you go to Israel, you got a month off. I'm moving to Israel. Paid month if you go to Israel. Shalom. I want you to put a note for me in the wall anyway. Do we have people in Israel that will put a note for you in the wall?

But it's not the same. You need a family member. Okay. No, we're going to like, we're going to go to like the desert in Arizona for couple days and then go to Vegas for a few days. And then we'll figure out the real one later on. But I don't know. It was, it's just really, like, this is the first time that a relationship has felt easy.

Okay. I don't have to, like, pretend. She's okay. She's, like, she's, like, really supportive of, like, everything I do with stand-up. So we'll see. I have no fucking, it's, it's the easiest. And, like, it just felt right, which is, is strange. But I got it, like, this whole fucking.

buying a ring thing, that shit's a scam. That is the craziest thing I've ever experienced because, A, there's two, I don't know if you know, there's two kinds of diamonds. There's like a diamond that you can find in the ground

and then there's lab grown. They'll find the kind... Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. Let's get back to this. All right. Nobody finds a diamond in the ground. Jewish people hire black people

to go inside mine. No, they don't have them anymore. They don't have blood diamonds anymore. I was looking for him. I went all over. You can't buy them? You can't, what are you going into stores and go, hi, can I get a blood diamond?

They're not going to have them. They're bad luck. But if you were to came to me, I get you, I know who all the blood diamonds are. Big ones, little ones. No one knows any blood diamonds. I went to like the Jewish Central. They won't.

They're two templesish. They're two by the book. They're not going to sell your blood diamond. They're not going to tell you. It's a blood diamond. Just look at it. You'll see a little scab and some black guy's Afro hair or something like that. That's a blood diamond right there.

A little bit of scalp. Oh, yeah, but it was, I'm really happy. It's like the first time, like, ever in my life that I've been happy. Like, honestly, that's why I don't like you, you, my mom. And everyone that you're around your age keeps talking about dying. And the reason I don't like it is, like, I've never been happy like this. I'm like something terrible. Someone's definitely dying.

And I, please. What ain't me, motherfucker? Please not. I'm just saying I'm in the neighborhood. All right. There's a big difference in accepting than me not sitting here going on. You know, like when you watch a move,

the soprados, when the guy had the heart attack and then again, he's as strong as a bull. Knock on one. No, he's not. He's as 75 years. He's as strong as a fucking bull, okay? Knock it off, okay? Right.

Don't say that shit. But as long as you accept the realm you're in, that's it. I don't want to walk around going, oh, my God, I'm walking three miles a day, anti-aging. I'm going to be Benjamin fucking buttons. and meanwhile you look older every fucking day.

You know what I'm saying? People are like, look at me. Right. I did this, I did that. I look 40 again. What are you want to look 40 for? You're lying there. It's like putting a wig on.

Right. Oh, yeah. People keep telling me to do that. Like, go to, what if I go to Turkey and get the hair transplant? Go ahead. As long as you come back looking like a beetle, a fucking third album, when they came back from India,

smoking dope with your relatives. Remember John Lennon went to India? Yeah. and the bug-bong? Yeah, Masca-Maki. Whatever. Mas-Yama. Mashi-Maki's the one.

Maha-i. Well, I'm excited for you. Thanks, dude. You know, you're going into a different realm of your life. And it's fucking different. I'm fucking 37. Because let me tell you something. Once you put the ring on the finger,

everybody giggles, the Hindus jump up and down, the Jews jump up and down. Once you go home, it's a different fucking game. Okay? Once you walk in that door after the marriage, it's like when you're, when you're, that Richard Pride joke, when you break into somebody's house.

dog helps you rob them. Remember that joke? Like, come on, I'll show you what the gold is. I show where the silverware is. I'll show you where the fucking this is. All right. You got everything, but guess what? Now it's time to play. Now, I want to play. Really? Dude, everyone

keeps telling me it's the same. You think it's, how's it going to be different? I don't know. Just wait and see. Pay for the fucking put a quarter in and you'll see how it's different. Oh, Jesus. We'll see. I'm excited. That's what's great about marriage. You walk. around ether for a year.

You know, everything's beautiful. Okay, honey, lovey. Okay, duffy, dovy, dovey. Right, Rachel? Everything's good for a year. Everybody's floating on clouds. It takes you eight minutes to come instead of two. There's roses on the bed.

And then, huh? A year? A year? A month. Yeah, two months. And then you're back to fucking, take the fucking garbage out. Piece of shit. Oh my God What the fuck

Right? When your grandmother You're your grandfather You think it was You think it was love forever Two months later Wees put the fucking Irish blood to him Listen motherfucker

You gotta do what you gotta do I don't care about this football shit You wanna play football Play on Saturdays We need food here I got eight fucking kids here And you want to fucking coach football Get the fuck out of my face

Yeah women will put it to you Jack You're slippet motherfucker But anyway We're happy for you here at the church fucking love guru Who knows I'm just happy that you found somebody Thanks dude

Because there's a lot of people I don't find dick And you found somebody When you weren't looking Which is what you tell people You see these women crying at bars I can't find the man Don't stop looking

Stop looking Go to the gym Go to live your fucking life You'll meet a fucking guy At the nail salon somewhere Yeah I mean it's It's crazy how

Like I was not upset I don't want to say obsessed with it, but, you know, a chubby kid. I didn't have a lot of luck. I was like, why not me? And then like bad, like, you can go through bad relationships. And you kind of, I went to therapy once and this, my therapist told me that a lot of her patients, like a lot of them were like 35, 40 and up guys who just really gave up on dating. And I, when I moved here, I kind of felt like that.

I was like, I'll try to get laid. But I have no interest in like having dinner with somebody. and it just sort of happened. You know that when you go through a breakup? You're like, I don't, I don't care what anyone has to say. I don't care about, I don't want to have dinner with you. I don't want to go to a movie. Like, I don't, that, that, I've been, I've been there a couple times.

And it's, it, it seems fun. But then it, like, I, I was single for a few months. I went on the road. And it reminded me why, like, I hooked up with a girl with no nipples. and Saratoga. She had, she had breast products and surgery, which is a terrible thing to do. And then she took,

and then they messed it up. So she had no nipples. They took the, they took the tap off. They really did. Oh, it was like, it was like almost a training,

but not. Because it was actually a real woman. And then, and then I met this woman in Indiana, who was really nice. But she was like, it was like love on the spectrum, but like a little bit too close to,

but she was, suit. She was 25 and she was hot. And she, her thing was that she was a squirder. And she's like, she's like, I can fill a bathtub, you want to see. And then she did that. And then she, we took a shower and she, she washed me with a lufa.

And that was, dude, she was big as me. Oh, she was bigger than me. She was probably like 5, 10, a nice, beautiful thick black woman, but she was bigger. And she like, like a little bit too rough with the lufa from being on it. Like, just look. Like, I was like,

kids just fucking scraped oh it was not it's not good when I'm single I do fucked up shit oh my God oh dude I've dated tall women my entire life because they all

and I'm yeah well no I'm not I hate when people say short king because everyone who says they're a short king is 5-7 and I would kill everyone I'm 5'3

like 5-7 is not short I know oh God I'm fucking with heels on. With some with fucking standing on telephone books. But I've dated tall. There's a woman I was thinking about like you had nicknames for all my exes. The one, my favorite was milkshake.

And she was. Then you had the abortionist. Yeah, the abortion. She sounds like a magician. And you had the Mexican eye. Well, that one was a real. That was an actual relationship. The abortionist.

The abortionist was this woman I met on OKCupid. We went to a bar for one drink. and she told me, she talked to my ear off for like five or six hours about insanity. Like she told me that the Kardashians were pedophiles and she knew this because she saw them kiss their kids on TV. And then she would tell me that she had 10 miscarriages and finally one came out. But I was like, it was right. Oh. Okay, Cupid.

It was, oh. Oh, my God. But then listen to this. Ayahuasca. That's what we called. I was. Yeah. Remember,

Fries in Burbank? The electronic store? Yeah. We hooked up once and then like, she would like show up at shows on an end. I wouldn't, I didn't want her to, she knew where I live because I took her there by accident, but she didn't have my phone number.

So I created a Google voice number and she would text me like every two, three months. And I found an industrial area over by Frize with no cameras and I'd get a blowjob in the car. Like every, like, Why, I walk him. She must. Because there's, if I have no, if I have no luck, no, they don't accept he would somehow get it. There would be someone who would know me and be like, oh, he's getting a blow drum.

And sent it to him. And meanwhile, it was 300 pounds in a fucking tiny fucking Volkswagen sedan with the seat pushed all the way back. And this poor woman going over the, the armrest. That sounds awesome. At the time, it wasn't terrible. But, yeah, it was, I don't like. Don't encourage him, please. Oh, there was from, no, now I find, now I have a good person and I don't ever have to date.

Thank God. You're an inside savage now. Someone, I love, I don't read the comments all the time, but someone wrote a comment on that, on the proposal thing and to get ready for the sheet with the hole in it. And then if you don't know, that's how Orthodox guys and women fuck, which is hysterical. And that I would actually kind of want to try that.

The hole in the sheet. You know, out of your fucking mind. You don't want to try a hole in a sheet? I'll tell you what it was hysterical, though, on the way up here. Then we got to move racial. Okay. It's evening before Rasha Shana.

It's Rosh Hashanah today. Happy Rosh Hashanah to all the Jews on the struggle. But I saw two Jews broken down, acidic shoes and like voyagers, you know, like the Chryslers, because they're cheap. They don't want to fucking get a Mitsubishi and then. So they still hang on to those Chrysler. Right. They were broken.

Their car blew up on the turnpike on the way here. And they were on the side. I'm like, happy Russia, Sean. What a fucking nightmare. They're pissed that they have to fix it? Yeah, they got to spend $3 and they'll probably have, they probably have a, yeah, they got a recyclable fucking fan belt knowing them. I'll be right back after this ad.

will be back with my girl Rachel in the motherfucking house. Wompson. What's happened, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Listen, the weather's cooling down and you want to stay indoors, right? Get yourself a nicotine routine that you could do anywhere with Lucy. Lucy breakers have a flavor capsule inside each pouch. You crack it open and a wave of hydration with flavors like apple cider, mint mango,

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Now, the product contains nicotine and nicotine is an addictive chemical. I hope you know that, okay? So Uncle Joe, we're here. Lucy.com slash church. What's happened, beautiful people? Our guest this week is the beautiful and talented, my little niece, Ms. Rachel Wolfson. What's happening?

Hello. Thank you, thank you. Good to see you. This is my second time. Yeah. Well, the first time was back when it was the church. Yeah. Yeah.

It's been years. What year is that? That was right before the pandemic, 2019. Wow. That was a long time. Must have been right after the movie. No. It was before.

It was before the movie? Wow. Yeah. Yeah. when Joe moved to Austin because I remember going on JRE and going, you motherfucker better pay attention. Better pay attention. Our girl got the fucking jackass.

Like, oh, I'm like Rachel. Thank you, Uncle Joey. Yeah, so it was once they got down there. We were talking about earlier. I know you, Kim, Sarah, Kyra Sultonovich. Like, I remember. Oh, wow. Kaira Sotanavich was there in 97.

And I remember her being like the assistant, Adam Barnard. Oh, okay. Adam Barnhart was a crazy gay guy who had a comedy show upstairs on Sunday nights an open mic he was very good an excellent guy and he was like a comics guy he was just helping out people up there

but I remember all you girls the first time I saw you don't come I'm like man look at these girls they're young and look at you now now you're young women beautiful all grown up and doing the town you know what I was Austin treating you it's so fun yeah

I really am starting to enjoy Austin. It took a couple years because I came from L.A., so I didn't know what to expect. I've never lived in Texas, but I'm enjoying the stage time and the friends. Let me set you do a week. Oh, gosh. I mean, I can get up to five sets in a night between mics and shows,

so it could be anywhere between, you know, it could be like I could get up 20 times in a week between 10 to 20. Yeah. It's interesting, because you said you've been there a couple years, and I've been talking to people out here. How long did it take you to, like, establish yourself in Austin to start getting, like, consistent spots? Well, I'm different because I didn't start stand up in Austin. Right. I started in L.A. So by the time I moved to Austin, I had a couple years under my belt and I had the credits. But again, Austin doesn't really care about your credits, which I like, because Austin is really all about standing.

It doesn't matter who you are. It doesn't matter your credits. And I really... I like that. Like that because I was never... You know, it was... I always... I just started stand up to do stand-up.

Like, jackass happened by... You know, it just happened. I didn't... Nice to have a credit, though. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. But yeah, it's...

It still takes a second. You know, it took me two years to really start to, like, get in my groove there. Yeah, that's what I've heard from like... Actually, you did his show last night. Aaron Berg. No, I'm doing it. Oh yeah, but last night, sorry. He's been really great to me.

And we talk a lot when he does shows at the dojo. And he was saying like it took him about two years in New York to finally feel like he was hitting his groove. Because like moving to a city, I know like Austin was cool for you. I bet because you had like a lot of friends who were moved there. But even still, like it's like being new in a new city. You kind of have to like reestablish yourself. You still have to start over. You still have to start over.

and I really like that challenge as a comedian because I think it's good to move to different places. You can't just stay in the same place and perform in front of the same people. You'll never grow. Crazy. But like in Austin it's a lot touristy. Yeah.

So like even Joe's place is new. Which I like. I like too. You're always getting different audiences. Different audiences. Yeah, you perform for locals, but a lot of the time it's just, it's very transient, which is what I like because L.A. is like that.

New York's like that. you know, the bigger cities. Well, if you're in New York, by the time you do every room, you'll be 90. You know, there's so much comedy in just a New York area, Northern New Jersey, Yonkers, Brooklyn, you know. So it's okay like there if you just, I could just imagine sitting in New York for two years and just working on your stand-up. You'd be fucking.

Well, yes. And that's if you went anywhere into it. Right, right. I mean, I think also, you know, whether it's moving to another city, but at least going to other parts of the country and starting over again. Or even just traveling, just getting on the road, being a road comic, whatever, as long as you are performing in front of different people, it's good. Like I remember moving to Seattle's side unseen.

Like people don't do that. That's wild. People go up and check it out. I can't picture you in Seattle. Went to Detroit to do comedy. Met a stripper. Oh, it's always a stripper. I went back to Boulder.

She said she's going to pick me up on the move back to Seattle. She's really into me. She wants me to move to Seattle. No, she came and picked me up. This one came and got me in Boulder, went up to Seattle, stayed with me for two weeks, went to Seattle, find the apartment. The only thing I knew about Seattle was the Supersonics when I was a kid.

And that's it. I was like, I'm in. It rains. At that time, it was Nirvana. Navana had just gotten shot, you know, Sound Garden Pro Jam. So I'm going to go up there and have a good fucking time. It wasn't.

But I went up there. sight unseen. It's not like people. I'm going to go check it out and then put away money for a year. Fuck you. You're never going to go if you think like that. Yeah. You know, you're never going to go anywhere. Well, it's kind of cool as a comic, I bet. Because you could honestly, at least in this country, and probably can in other places, like as a comic, you could get to any city, major city, halfway major city, and find other comics and find shows. Oh, yeah. Piece of cake. Yeah. Easy. That's great. Piece of cake. Well, I remember last time we were podcasting years ago, you were telling us what it was like.

You would have to, like, fax your head shots and your avails. Like, no comics today. You know, how to send a fax. You know. No. Like, can you imagine any of the open micers comics today trying to figure out a fax machine? Well, I was going to ask you about that because, like, Austin, before I got here, I lived in Massachusetts.

And, like, there, four or five of my four. friends went to Austin and like came back. But then like, like, what is, like, as like, what do you think or what do you see with these open mics were like, like, they're like pilgriming. Yeah, it's, uh, it's autism. Is it? That's all this. What do I see?

Autism, 100%. Um, well, I think it's a, it's a lot of things. I think that Austin is a newer scene, which is more opportunity, new opportunity. I think Austin really values, um, freedom of speech. and there you don't have to worry per se about what you say. I mean, anything you say at any point can have consequences, but I think in Austin they're more about letting it speak as an art form. And there's more room for that, I think.

Well, basically what I'm saying is people who have been rejected from other scenes move down to Austin and hopes that they can start. Oh, no. Are you kidding me? Have you not, wake up, Lee. I haven't done the open mics in Austin. For those of you listening, I lived in open mics the last few years. If you get rejected out of open mics, that's...

Move to Austin. We'll take you. Oh, my God. I can't even... That's why Rogan has all those security guys. But that's the other thing, though, too, is like Austin is becoming this place. Like, people, you know, people romanticize Austin. Comedians romanticize Austin.

When you get there, it's a very different story. I've never really seen anyone have, like, an easy time. moving to a new city, let alone Austin, just because it's like everyone's like talking about how great in the stage time is, you still have to start over and prove to other people that you're funny and that you're worth getting booked. And it's like...

Can I ask you a question, Rachel? Yeah. I mind to interrupt anybody. No, interrupt me. Let's get down to fucking basics. Do you really think that most of the comics that move to Austin think like you? Not at all.

You're a special one. You and a couple other people that I personally know. I think 60% of the comics that moved down there, this is what they fantasize. Well, I know what you're about to say. They fantasize, stumbling into the fucking, because I know I had fantasies when I was an open micer, and they're dumb fantasies.

But you think they're really going to happen because they happen to Roseanne. You know, nobody goes on stage, gets off stage, and they offer you a tonight show. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's a once-in-life time. But the odds are always with you. But everybody who moves to Austin,

moves to Austin to stumble into the comedy's mothership, to Rogan to like them, put them on the podcast, and they blow up and they can save their mother from dying from cancer. Well, it's that, but also I think, you know, with Kill Tony and all the opportunities. Right, and Kill Tony's the other half.

You know, the opportunity, like, you know, the Tonight Show, and now we have Kill Tony, whether people like it or not, it's getting more views than all the late night shows, everything. So it's like, I get that. But that's not why I move there. No, but you understand. There's people who look at a, there's people like us.

They go, I'm going to go down there and learn the craft and get on stage. I mean, and I'm okay if I'm a feature act for now. Well, that's what I wanted. I was like, you know, I'm not getting enough stage time in LA. We just came out of the pandemic. The strikes are happening. And it's like, you know, I started stand up to do stand up. You know, jackass came three years after.

But after the movie was done and the pandemic was over, it's like, I need to learn comedy. I'm being thrown into headlining. I need to, you know, get good at this and put the time in and just, you know, and also like my path isn't similar to other people. Like I knew it was going to be rough. I was thrown to the wolves and had to figure out how to headline, you know. So. It's really rough that I know for a fact that because we all have weird fantasies. And guess what?

They come true. They come true when you put the work in. But not the. way you think they're going to come. Right. You know, like, not the way you think they're going to come through. You think you're going to get a major motion picture and start with Brad Pitt, but you'll probably just get accepted at the Laugh Factory. Just for Jamie to see you when you move to L.A., and that's the same thing. Oh my God, that'd be great. That's a fucking miracle. How many people move to L.A.? Showcase at the Laugh factory and try to get in there? So you have to look at your

miracles by that. Like, for me, it was Mitchie Shaw. For me, it was Mitchie Shaw. A month after I moved to L. I'm a regular. Yeah. That was my tonight show. Now I had to do something with it. And that's what I don't, I don't think a lot of comics today are seeing that. In fact,

a lot of people in regular lives don't see that. People don't want to put the work in anymore. And everybody, 60% of the audience now wants to be a celebrity. Every time you go to a restaurant, there's a wall with all the sponsors. You could take pictures there. And people look at that shit. They barely made the $50 tab,

but they're going to go over and take a picture like this. and flex their little skinny gold chain or whatever. You know, and that's the other half. I think you could tell there's a lot of people who just want to be stars. Yeah. You don't even know what it takes. They don't know the path. They just, I just want to be, what they call those?

Influences. Yeah. You know, I want to make a million a month. Yeah. I want to go to Burning Man. But like the crazy thing with Kill Tony, and it's one of the, it's probably one of the top two or three biggest podcasts in the world right now. Yeah.

is like, Rogan to me is the Tonight Show because you kind of, you still have to get booked on it. Like, it's a little, because I'm with all, like, these, like, these level of comedians. They look at Rogan like, it's like, one day it'd be great. Kill Tony is, you can wait and lie. I mean, it's, it's a luck, but it's just to get on. But you can get on.

You could move to Austin, go to, uh, and sign up every Monday. And eventually, in theory, you'll get on. Yeah, but it, that's, if that's, if that's, what you want, but you better be prepared because that might be your one and only opportunity. Dude, I had, you know what I mean? And I don't, I don't remember his name and it doesn't matter. But when I was living in LA, this open micer got on, but way before Kiltan, it was big, but it was episode 500. He bombed so hard that, like, they started to boo him. And even Rogan was like, oh, God, they hate you. And this is how crazy he was. He put that clip up on his website.

As if it's like a credit. Like, he did so, like, he bombed. So he knocked a table over and, like, refused to pay for their drinks. Like, they were blowing them before he said one word. And it was like... I love that shit. I love the confidence of... I want an ounce of that, you know, confidence.

Oh. Or my shit don't stink no matter how much I... Open mic. I'll never forget this comment got banned from the open mic at flappers because at flappers. They had a ticket. You had to buy, like, you know, when you go to the fair and you buy a ticket and you will write your name down on it, He just went to Costco and bought a thing of the tickets. Legend.

But put his name down like 50 times. Yeah. And they figured they're like, hold on. We don't remember selling you these many fucking tickets. So, like, it's fucking, I can't imagine what Austin Open Mic's are like. Dude, they're fun. I actually run an Open Mic there. I run an open mic once a week called Off the Cuff.

It's at Creek Wednesdays at 6 p.m. And, you know, one thing that I've noticed with a lot of new comics, and comics who are just beginning is, you know, they're wondering how they can get booked more. And so I asked, like, well, what are you doing to give back to comedy? Because we all take so much. And so for me, it's not even about running a show. I was like, I want to start a mic. I want something for, like, new comics to come and have a place to start because it's a riff mic. You pull topics from the bucket and you riff. It's like the poor man's bottom of the barrel. It's the bottom of the barrel. But it's at great. in Jersey too.

Yeah, no, I love it. And it's, it's, I've seen, you know, people who've never gone, never done stand-up, they come to my mic and they pull a topic. And it's all about, you know, what are your thoughts on this topic? The funny will come, hopefully. It's a great way to start like your first mic ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's intimidating to go up there and you don't know what to talk about. So why not, you know, learn the, the practice of, of riffing.

So, yeah, that's, uh. I remember what I've first. wanted to actually, like we all have a fantasy and then you have a dream. You have to separate those motherfuckers. But I think it took me three years to go, okay, I'm going to work on this. Yeah. There's something here. I could build on this, you know, and I took it for what it was.

I hid for years. Like, yeah, you hide because you don't want to move up. You're enjoying yourself doing this shit, you know, going to bars. I don't know. I didn't want that pressure. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle comedy clubs. I would do guest sets at comedy clubs in Denver,

but I wouldn't ask to get booked. They would ask me, and I got, nah, and I liked what I did until I felt comfortable. And I went to Seattle, and that's why I took my first feature spot at the Comedy Underground, which is, you know what I featured for? Yeah. Lori Kilmartin.

Oh, wow. Wow, she. 1990. You feature it for her? 1995 at the Seattle Comedy Underground but it always for me

was I knew I was going to hide She's a great comic Yeah she's a great comic I'm a fan She's a writer Yeah I'm a fan I'm a fan But it's just weird

That I could tell the Like in L.A I bumped into 20 guys I bumped into one guy Rachel I want to beat the fuck out Name names No no no no no no

Met them in an acting class said he was a, he had, we got to talking, nice kid, and he goes, you do stand up, yeah, I'm going to come see you. And he came that night to the store. And when I got all stages, like, I think I could do that. I can be do that and better than you. And I'm looking at this guy. So he went down to Hens Mitchell's clubs.

Okay. Remember that one? Down on the only black color on Beverly. The guy was a man. Oh, I know what you're talking. It was on Pico, no? Yes. It was on Pico.

You're talking about sales, no, no, no, no, no, it was, um... That's the first time I met Chelsea Howard. It was on Pico. Yeah, yeah, I forget. I'm blinking, but yeah, I remember that club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like, you know, what we're talking about? Some guy said he could do comedy better than you.

Yeah, he could do comedy better than me. So I, he said something. He goes, I'm going to go down there, and he went down there. And, like, I saw him an acting class the following week. This guy had done, like, three open mics, and he was there one night. And he got a Montreal festival. God damn it Right and I

He came to me He goes Did you see this? I got this all And I remember looking at it And I wasn't angry Or anything I'm gonna cause

Because I knew He only been on state Three times I'm not gonna work out Cut too He's like doing arenas now Or no Is he did he do stand up

Did he go well or no No No Because you're always funny At the office You're always funny At that restaurant You know

Anybody can go up there And be funny For five minutes two, one time. Now when the lights are on, there's people there with not pads and you're not prepared for that. Trust me. You don't think, I still remember auditioning.

I told you for Charlie Hill, the Indian at the University of Colorado. I thought I was going in front of an audience. It was three motherfuckers with a notepad. And they were all American Indians with feathers and shit. And, you know, I mean, who... It's crazy because bombing in front of three people

hurts just as much as, like, bombing in a full, almost worse. Or not knowing. what you're doing. Right. I was doing comedy maybe two and a half years and a very part-time maybe-ish.

Yeah. Like I didn't even have the Judy Carter workbook yet. Like I was just still fucking, and then I still remember going in and there was three people. And I still remember going to an NBC comedy tournament.

When networks used to have tournaments at the comedy works. And I signed up. I was like number 18. I'd never been on stage. Jesus. I'm going to go down there and fuck these motherfuckers up.

I could do this. I remember going down there and just eating Because bro, it didn't work out for me I thought I could do what I did in the corner by Hashways Didn't work out The first joke went well, they clapped And after that it was Yeah

Especially because the comedy works Was everyone else doing well? No, no, no, guys, it was 11 in the morning And you went up in front of three people And that's what I'm saying 11 in the morning. No, you're not prepared for that. A year of comedy will not prepare you to walk into it.

For them to say, hey, we really enjoyed your set. Show up tomorrow, 11 o'clock in the morning. Do a spot for fucking three judges from NBC that you don't know what they are. They could be bakers. I thought they were like fucking comedy geniuses. Then later on, the guy owns a real estate shop. This guy, rents roller skates for a living. You know, but in your mind,

You don't fucking know. You've been doing comedy for two hours. Right. And you went down there. There's no way you're going to handle three people with a notepad just staring at you. And comics in the room. And they got NBC jackets on and Catch a Rising Star T-shirts. And you'll get you with a Pittsburgh pirate shirt on.

You follow what I'm saying to you? It's a different world. And that's what bothers me about people that they think that they could do what we do. Yeah. Nothing. Like when people say, Will Arnett, the comedian, he is a comedic actor. Right.

There's a director in the room that says, cut, hold on, let's do that again. We don't do that. We go up there. There's no rewrite. There's no fucking director saying, no, no, don't say that. There's no fucking, hold on.

That joke didn't work. Let's do it again. There's none of that shit. That's where we come in. That's why I respect what the fuck I do. and what the fuck they do, they have somebody write them the fucking jokes. And then they do it,

and it's one or two takes, and everybody in the fucking staff, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. He's so fucking funny. Yeah, okay. Do what the fuck we do, motherfucker. From 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. That's the other way around.

Yeah. 8 p.m. to 2 a.m. I'm fucking throwing heat, okay? You can't do that. The rest of the day, I'm smoking weed on the couch. Yeah, me too. So you got to remember what, When people watch this shit and they, when I see shit like that online, you know it burns my fucking bro.

Nothing gets me out on line. But when I see people giving props to a comedic actor and calling them a comedian, not on my fucking watch, motherfucker. Not on my watch because I'll go up one head to head with you. They won't even show up to do what we do. No. Do you follow me? Because if you came to me and said, hey, they want you an NBC show tomorrow to do what they do, I'll go down there and rock with them.

But guess what? They're not going to do what we do on a drop of a dime. So stop it. Right. Again, Saturday Live, great cast, a different type energy. They cannot do what we do. Unless the stand-ups on there do well. We stand alone.

Yeah. They go out, they go up, they go up there. And again, it's a group. An ensemble. It's two people. It's a group project. Okay? No, no, no, no, no. We go solo. That's why that buddy, everybody who keeps doing this shit on stage with two people. I don't go on stage with nobody. I don't ever want to go on

stage with nobody. Right. Get the fuck off the stage. There's a brick wall, a microphone, smoke, and me, or Rachel, or another woman or another man. There's never two of us. We are not Carabinette and Dick Van Dyko, whatever the fuck the couples are. Right. And it's crazy, but you do have to work with them. Like you were talking about... No, you have to work with nobody. You do, though. Because listen, you were talking about, like, experience. Like, this weekend, I did the 11 o'clock

show. And the comic before me did a joke that I liked, but that was, like, controversial. And, like, there were, like, 12 people in the room. This one woman didn't like it. And she was literally almost at the door with six of her friends. Half of them was going to be gone. Okay. The host luckily got them to sit down.

Okay. But I... Three, four years ago, last year, I don't know if I would have been able to handle it. You were scared? No, I wasn't scared, but I wouldn't have known how to handle it. Like, he, one of his favorite stories is when I got brought up at the La Jolla store as Lee Swat. And I, and I, and I bombed super hard. This week, I was on, I was at a bar on the third floor with like 15 people.

The host brought me up as Syed. Just, no, Lee. Your whole second. Just Syed like I was Prince. And I put it like, it was, I had fun. Like, it was just talking about like, growing and dealing with like I there's stuff that a year ago two years I wouldn't have been able to handle and now it's like you can see like okay it's on a scale like back then like I was

gonna ask you when you started headlining at three years how much time did you really have 10 minutes five minutes that's crazy that's yeah yeah yeah but I I had what was I had no choice no and then what did it feel like being on like that first time before you went up to do like What did they want you to do? 30, 45? At least. At least 30. I had to figure it out.

That's fucking wild. Yeah, I was doing in French shows. So I'd have my friends on. Right. I'll fill the time. That makes sense. Yeah. But even still doing, I remember it was super hard for me to go from 15 to 20.

Yeah. That to get to 20 minutes took me like a year to like really feel comfortable. 20 minutes is a long fucking time. Yeah. It's a long. It's a long. Well, I also, I like talking to the crowd, so that helps me stretch out my jokes more because I like a little bit of crowd. Like, crowdwork with the intention of bringing it to a joke, you know?

That definitely, the explanation of a joke is always great. Why, I used to like to tell a joke, people look at you weird and then break it down. This is why. Now let me break it down on my terms. And then they kind of take the ride with you because it happens in life, but let me tell you what happened to me. something similar to that, you know. But stand-up is a fucking, listen, here's a beautiful thing about stand-up.

I've been doing it for 34 years. I never once in a while, I go, God damn, I never knew that before. It's a continuing journey. When you're into, listen, when you go to plumbing school, when you become a plumber, it's four years to become a journeyman, two years you're an apprentice,

four-year journeyman. After six years, you're like a master, a master plumber. a master electrician. I don't know what it is, maybe six or seven years. And that's it. With an art,

which this is an art, whatever you might think, when I got up on stage and yell and talk about pussy and assholes and it's an art. It's an art in itself because how many people would I put up there

and have a nervous breakdown? There's people that'd rather die. Like, there's people that, if you take them and go, I'm going to put you on stage and give you $500,000. They'll go, I'd rather get shot in the fucking head.

That's why there's Toastmasters, all those clubs so people could practice public speaking. Did you know that? A lot of people don't know that. Public speaking, they do a survey every year, and it's number one or two on the list. What's your biggest fear? Public speaking. But I was like that when we meant.

I didn't want to be on the podcast. I didn't want to talk in front of anybody 15 years ago. And people think I'm not really a fucking God. I'm one of those dudes that shows up at your town. You bring your little fucked up kid to me, and I put my hand, my hand on his head. When Lee came to me, he was all fucked up. I put my hand on his head. The first night I had him with a hooker with a black eye at the Ha-ha cafe.

And he took her across- Is this true? Yeah, I ain't to do. But he didn't know she was a hooker. He didn't know she was a hooker. No, well, thanks for telling me. She, dude. I didn't know she was a hooker either. I thought you did.

All right. So it was like, we met. And like the first five or six times I would just go hang out with him. He would close out the old ha-ha-ha-cafe with like four people. And it was awesome. I was having like the time of my life. And we would sit at these like patio furniture chairs outside. And he would smoke cigarette tea, Mike and Ikes.

And one night this woman just kind of like sat down. This is on Lancashire Boulevard, which is like sort of like Main Street of North Hollywood. Like people would just walk up and down. And this woman just sat down and she had a bandage around her head. And I was, dude, I was 23. I was 23 and I didn't know what the fuck was going on And she's like a present Rapped in a bow

No, it wasn't a bow It was white and dirty And this fucking asshole This woman gets me talking And I didn't know yet That you always had to have one eye on where Joey was She's talking to me but I don't remember what And I look back Joey gone

Just gone I don't get between love Yeah You know what I'm saying Meanwhile, this crazy lady, she was telling me, you're looking for a girl with a good head on her shoulders. It was barely on there. She's got a head on her shoulder. But how I really lured him in, I didn't lure him with the chick because at the ha-ha, a lot of people don't know this, but let's tell the truth.

Leon, Friday and Saturday night, the hot dog man at the corner, that motherfucker made you your favorite hot dogs of pineapple around. That wasn't that early on, but that hot dog was going. Ah, don't be lying. All right, maybe a couple hot dogs. But yes. They used to have pineapple. What else? Yeah,

I got food poisoning. What else? Yeah, that was so good. That was a sad day when I called him because everyone, so we're going between story, but this dude had a cart, a van, and these bacon wrapped hot dogs, which if you haven't had a Mexican bacon wrapped hot dog, you really need to get one. They put mayo, which doesn't sound right, but they put onions and peppers. And he would call me and just pick me up and we'd go to this dude.

And yeah, he probably was by the ha-ha. Yeah, he was across the street. against the fence. And they had like a happy hour of side. And he put a table out with all the fucking salsas and the cheese. And that's how you knew you were going to get something. Because people were just putting their hands on there on the way out of a bar. He got there at 12.

And one night I was like, dude, let's go get hot dogs. Like, no, bro, we can't go there anymore. I went last week and I fucking puked my brains out. No, that was not. Remember I did that show at the improv. And then we all went there to celebrate. And next day, I was puking blood and shitting animals out of my asses. fucking Mexican bacon with cartel shit on it.

Dude, that happened a few times. Rachel, do you know the thing with Joey is that they like don't text him? Have you heard that rule about him? No. Okay, that used to be a rule. And unless the only text... What would have happened when you texted him? He would get real upset.

You get a real angry. We don't text. We're from New Jersey. And I'm not from... But texting's fucking gay, bro. It was. Except during this time, the only text I would ever get from him were just six in the morning, pictures of the most horrific sheds.

You'd get those two, George. And then he just called me of like, what do you think of that? Meanwhile, my paul is sleeping in bed next to me. I'm fucking still high from the podcast. Oh, my God. But me to send you a picture of a shit, it's got to be a real shit, okay? It's not going to be like, like, Like today a little carrot came out of my ass.

I ain't sending you that picture. I'll send you like a fucking Chinese toothpick. One of those big motherfuckers that are skinny. Yeah, but why did I feel like I was the only one getting those text messages? At least George God, thank God. I send them to people who I love. No more, I stop because God's a motherfucker. When somebody sends you one of those pictures, oh, I got one back from somebody.

I was eating like a taco. I had to throw the taco away and puke it up and shit. So I'm like, I'm not doing that anymore. I sent him to Tom Seguro and Bert, those guys always deserve it. Duncan. I bet Tom likes, doesn't Tom like that? Yeah, Tom likes those things. Disgusting.

Oh, my God. Don't call the doctor on you. I did that to Rogan once. I took a poop in the bathroom in Irvine and I put a bunch of ketchup on it. And I walked out and I waited for him to go in. He's like, Jesus Christ, who needs to go to the doctor? We were tortured. We took the ketchup and put on the toilet paper and everything.

Hold on. I've heard this story, but like, I always wanted to, like, what made you look at this shit? Like, I got to fucking goad this up and show it to somebody. I smelled it first, and I'm like, I got to look at this just to make sure there's not an animal in there before me. And it was sticking out of the water. It was so much, that's why I put the ketchup like an island. It was like, so I put the ketchup on, and I put the ketchup on the toilet paper and put it around it. Then we waited.

I go, nobody's allowed in the bathroom to, just. goes off stage and he went right into the bathroom. He's like, Jesus fucking Christ, we're fucking dying. Rachel, because there's ketchup in the green room. So you bring it in the bathroom. You know how the Irvines are in the Ontario's? Oh, yeah. They're intimate.

They're very intimate and stuff. Do female comics do this stuff? 100%. Really? I wish I was joking. In what way? I don't know pictures of shit throwing your tampons of people. I don't know what you...

Like, just gross shit. Like, I thought you were gonna say no. You don't know women. We're disgusting. But it's not that. Maybe not that, but it's like, you know, other things. Is there like a lot of competition between female comedians? Or no, do you find...

No, we all just love each other so much. That's why there's so many of us on every show. No. No, you... Yeah, no, we love working together. It's a regular little affair of comedy. Yeah, you know. We're so supportive of each other.

Why not? What do you mean? Like, why do you? Because I don't, there's like, I don't know, maybe I'm just not high enough in comedy yet. But like, there's a little bit of competition, but I don't like hate any of like, I don't look at another chubby Jew and be like, I fucking. No, because you're a well somewhat. No. Well, no, maybe not.

Nope. I hate everybody. But, like, I don't know. Because I've heard of, like, female comedians like not getting along. Yeah, that's the thing. That's just women in general, let alone female comics. But female comics probably because, you know, like any industry, it's male dominated. And there's, you still have to like prove that you're just as, just as funny as all the other comics, you know.

So it's like. And, you know, there's, there's a probably, I don't want to say less opportunity, but there's not as many, female comics as there are male comics. And I think that, you know, we have to, everyone, but women specifically, we always have to prove our, we deserve our place in comedy. Right. And the other problem I have for that is like, because I'm sure people say it about me, like you get shows that you shouldn't get whatever.

What shows would that be? For me, like, I get to open up for Joey in front of 4,000 people. Like, I'm, like, and I, that's why I do put the work in. but on the other side of it, what I always think is like, let's say, yeah, let's say it was total nepotism, whatever it is. Am I, do you want you to turn down this? Like, am I supposed to not try my fucking best and do? Yeah. Like, if you, if the foot was on the other, if the shoe was on the other foot, you would take that opportunity to.

Of course. Fuck yeah. Well, you didn't ask for it. I took that opportunity. You should. So why wouldn't I give it? Right. If I took it, why wouldn't I give it?

Right. What do you think? I just did 200 seat shows. You know, people have taken me... I remember one fucking particular instance where a guy called me and did... What's the theater on? Wilton.

Ah, yeah. And I was, like, just happy to get a couple hundred. And this guy called me that and then, and he goes, we're splitting it four ways. Damn. So you want me to sit here and just go, I didn't get lucky. Can you imagine that?

Expecting to get, like, $300 on New York. years. And when you get there, they go, no, no, no. You see this place? We're splitting in four ways. It's on you. And I ate the biggest bag of dick. But the check cash? Like a motherfucker. But it didn't, you're not, it's not. No, I probably didn't bomb. Because I was so happy. I was going to say. You want a comic to be funny. Pay him before he goes on stage. That's the funniest motherfucker you ever going to have. When I put 500 in your hand on an A ball, that's the funniest he's ever going to be. Right there, he's happy, he's got a dessert.

I gave him weed. I gave him a hotel room. I couldn't give him a woman, but he's got all the tools to get a hooker. Yeah, you know, you have to give opportunities when you got opportunities. I still remember about barely having 15 minutes and some guy paying me like 600 bucks a show.

Isn't it crazy? That's fucking crazy. Right. And then I'm driving home and also my car blows up. I'm just 70. that gets on fire and shit and then you're like, God damn. Every fucking time.

You know, but that's the thing. How can you not give young comics opportunity? Why wouldn't you? I love giving an open mic a 50 bucks. I love it. I love it. Yeah. They look at you and they just tremble.

They look at all, well, why can I take it and go to fuck home before I do change my mind? Yeah, well, you know, that's why I, that's one of the reasons why I started this mic and last week I had, I paid a photographer to come and take headshots of all the comics because when you first start, at least in L.A., they're like 400 bucks. You get scammed multiple times over.

It's not even a real photographer or he wants to fuck you. And like, it's like fine, but are the shots good? Like, you know, like. That never happened to me. Well, I got plenty of headshots and no, whatever. Yeah, well, you know, you got Lou Fudd. Thank you. People still ask for headshots.

Well, it's more like when you book a show, they want a professional picture. And a lot of these, like when I first started, you don't even, you know, like, there are people who submit their, like, selfies. Right. You know, when you first start, because they don't know. And, like, these are just things that I would want if I were to start, like, you know, someone telling me, guiding me, you know, because they don't have some of these comics that come to my mic sleep in their cars, you know? So it's like, you know what I mean? I remember getting to the L.A., getting to the comedy store, and that Monday, I had an audition and I didn't even know what to do.

And the piano player was a gay Spanish guy with a cute little hat and told me he was a photographer. And he shot me in those pictures. I used those for I don't know how many years. Yeah. You know, you remember all you, the first head shot, it was a baker at Laudizio in Boulder. He took my head shots with me drinking an egg cream and something like that.

Whatever. You didn't know. You don't fucking know. But that's a great idea to do for these guys. Like get a head shot. Yeah. Even action shots. Because I don't even know who needs a headshot in him. Well, no. Just like, you know, a professional photo. Oh, do they ask for it?

All they ask for a headshot and bio all the time. All the clubs and everything? All the clubs, all the booker. Even like for like bar shows, they want a headshot. And the problem is is you want to give them, have a headshot? Because I can't tell you whenever I have this one like really fat picture of me. And whenever people don't ask for a headshot, that's, That's a picture they take.

Oh, no. Yeah. You got to have it. Yeah. So it's like, you know, these are just things like whenever, now that, you know, I'm a little bit further along in comedy, you know, people starting now, they're just so lost. And it's like when you start comedy, it's scary. It's intimidating. You don't have, you know, a lot of, like, I didn't have a big sis.

I had, I did have a male mentors. I never had a female comic want to mentor me. But that's what I wish I had was something like that. Woman, yeah. Or just like a comic, like, willing to kind of show me the ropes. Like, here's the direction, you know, because a lot of time, you don't start comedy with direction. There's a lot of going in the wrong direction before you figure out. For two years, I didn't know that.

And I came here for nine months. And that opened up the view. I'm like, oh, this is what it is. I see said the boy. And then I went back to Denver and now I had a plan. And there was bar shows. You know, but you don't know for the first three years. And it is rough.

It's uncharted waters. And like the only thing I had was the Judy Carter work. And there's bad people out there too who prey on, you know, vulnerable artists and new artists, especially when you start stand up. A lot of times you're just like not in a good place or you're not coming from a good place, you know. There's a page on Facebook, like New Jersey. It's like eight of them. Yeah.

And I just want to see where the open mics are, so I joined all of them, you know. And once a week, I don't even know how they don't, because I just go on there to see where the open mics are, if they're changing, maybe something close to my house. And all those guys, always like once a week, one of those guys goes, this Joey Diaz. Why don't you come to the open mic and coach us? And I'm like, I can't coach. I think that's the where I first met you in person was at the fourth wall. Yes.

I saw both of you there. And I was like, oh, wow, Uncle Joey does open mics. I was like, well, then I got to be doing open mics for the rest of my life. And so ever, I'd never stop. I'll never stop going to open mic. Yeah, you have to go to open mic. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

If you're a comic and you're like, I don't do open mics, then I don't respect you. For me, I didn't have to go to open mics. I had something better. What? Mexican rooms. Well, that's also, like, we have that in L.A. Yeah. But that's the level of open mics.

Exactly. Edwin, George Perez. Exactly. Rudy Moreno got rest of the soul, gave me a lot of money all those years. At $35 a set at the brave bull, it's still that motherfucker took care of me. Well, Felipe is one of my first mentors. Yeah. So it's kind of weird.

The Mexican rooms were my open mics. They wouldn't put the TV off during the Laker game or when those Dodgers are on. You got to do comedy. If somebody hits home run, fucking the room blows up. But, dude, that's a level above open mics. Like, especially, yeah. No, but it's a great. level. I would do those first and then do my set at the comedy store.

Oh, that's great. 12 o'clock at night. Honestly, that's what I, because I still do them occasionally. I have tried to slow down and like to start hanging out more at clubs. But it's, I would love to be at a place where I feel like I could like try new stuff out even at bar shows. Like, I don't know. You could do that at bar shows right now. I feel the pressure that I, I'll try. Like if something comes to me in the moment, but like, it's tough.

That's where you do that, the bar shows. I still use open mics for that. No, do a bar show. Because listen, at a bar show, I didn't really pay attention either. Yeah. I feel like the comics are, though. Fuck the comics.

They're the ones booking you for other shows. Nah, bro. Nah, bro. They all understand what you're doing. You know, a real comic understands what you're doing there. And we'll respect you more than if you go up with material

you've been doing for years. Right. Well, that, I agree with that. I'm always working on like a new chunk but there's a I don't know at least in my head I have like material

that I'm working on at mics and then I have material that's like okay I found out that this works let's try it here but I I don't know in Austin I don't know

if you feel this but like the big clubs I in New York I feel like not that I'm going to get discovered but like if I have a bad few bad sets in a row

like the word's gonna get because comics talk and like I don't I still feel like I need to prove my myself. It's, we always have to prove ourselves no matter what. We're always proving ourselves in new ways or whatever. But like, it's, you got to, you can't care about that. You can't care about that. I bomb all the time. I don't necessarily even mind bombing. I just.

What are you worried about that other people will think you're not funny? Yeah. Not everyone's going to think you're funny. No, I know, I don't, but I want them, not even funny. I want them to like respect. Of course. And like, get booked. And like, that's what, like, the stuff is. slowly starting to get a little bit busier. I'm like, okay. And it's, I don't know. That's when you were talking about open mics, that's what I would,

that's what I view open mics for. Like, that's where I don't mind going up and just throwing stuff out there. Well, there's also something really badass about taking risks in person. And like, there's a way to do it. You know, you, you can take those risks in the middle of your set.

You can hide them. Yeah. I tell them all the time. And I hide them in the middle. Yeah. Once you got them and you, they're laughing, it's a rotation. Okay?

It's a rotation. Right. boom, boom, it's a beat. And now you're like, fuck it, I got four beats already. Let me try this off-color joke. But you're also going to be prepared. It's like throwing a sidekick at a UFC. That guy could grab your leg and pull it out.

So be careful. Right. So if you throw that sidekick, you better be careful that you have a fucking punch to go into him, guy. And if I'm being honest, like, I do feel more confident, especially the last year, but it's still, I don't know. Like, I'm... I'm so looking for, like in the next couple of years, my goal is to be at the major, not in the sellers a different level, but like the major New York comedy clubs,

that's my goal over the next couple of years. And that's when, I don't know, in my head, I'm like, that's when I'll be able to go to bar shows and those are my open mics then, is when I'm, when I can say I'm doing three at New York and the two of the state. But Lee, you're already there. I'm not there in the clubs yet. No, you're already at that point in your career where you could be doing that.

And the clubs are just around the corner. You don't know. I'm not in a huge rush. They're around the corner, my friend. I, and it's... Lee, you're hilarious. I appreciate it. I bombed super hard at St. Mark's.

That's okay. Bomb as much as much as I like. It's a fucking game of percentages anyway. I respect you more for bombing than going up with the same material for 10 years, which also happens. I'm just, honestly, it's to the point. This woman told me that she did ketamine with the Kennedys, and then she got up and yelled at me that you could see my stomach from Times Square and I don't know what I did to her.

That's hilarious. I don't know what the fuck I said to her. It was crazy. It was right after the dojo. Dude, I've had, it's been fun. That's fucking cold-blooded. Oh, I know. No, I love that.

You got to write that shit down. You got to write that shit down. Oh, I had, write it down. I'm Jewish and neurotic. That shit's been playing in my head. It's going to live in your rent. No. But it makes me laugh.

Because I was like, I was feeling skinny that. Like I thought I looked pretty good. I didn't think it was that fat anymore. But it was. But then. Well, it's the same way, how you see yourself is the same way how you think that you're not ready to do like new material bar shows. Right. I guess.

Yeah. Dude, I've struggled with confidence. And I'm, and this is like the most confident I've ever been. And it's not very confident. And it's like, I'm just, that is something that I don't have. And I do feel like I'm working very hard And I feel like I am a good comic I'm proud like I think I'm as good or better than a lot of people

But like offstage it's different Like I wish almost much I could live my life on stage I'd be a fucking pimp if I could Like if that was the person that was out in the real world You are you have to realize that I tried a little bit with women And when I was like hitting on women that's when I like I would just pretend

I was on stage and like fake it. What's your move, Lee? I have no move. Pretend I'm a girl you're hitting on. What would you say to me? I mean, a girl I'm hitting on. I'd be on that chair over there just like staring at you hoping that like a rom-com happened and like you were into chubby guys.

And he came over like, you know, I just want to rub your head. That might work. I like my head being rubbed. No, no, no. Oh, you want your head. I'll rub your head. Do you imagine me going up to a girl, any girl, and just think, hey, I want to rub your head. I might take that offer.

Yeah, 100%. Who doesn't like a good head? Brad Pitt? Yeah. No, no. Can you imagine me in Austin sweaty coming up? Yeah. Can I rub your head, Rachel?

I got Brad armpit over here. I'll take it. I'll take Brad armpit over. Listen, I'll take it. That's a credit. You torture them. I love it. This is fun.

Oh, my God. Oh, I love it. Oh, yeah. That one, there was one. I think the best one was the transgender woman at the Hollywood Dojo. Do you remember there was this very pretty lady who would be at, like, Kill Tony all the time and the store all the time? Yes, Cassandra. Blonde girl?

Yeah. I don't, yeah. Blonde, big boobs. I was at the do. Joe, I was like a year or two in a comedy and this other comic Andrew, they must have been friends. So like they were going back and forth about being transgender. And I'm a year or two in a comedy and I tried a joke about transgender. The crowd laughed.

I will say that. I was very happy with it. Oh, wait. You're not talking about, are you talking about a hot, like the hot one or there's one that wasn't hot? I don't know. I think very pretty. Okay. It matters.

And the problem I had is that she. her and the other comic were going back and forth, like they were friends, and I thought that I could do it. She got upset and called me Danny DeVito, and then threw a pepperoni at me. You should have called her Mani DeVito. I had, I crumbled.

I didn't go, I felt so bad. I thought it was like a fun, like she was in the comedy scene, like it was going to be okay. And the crowd thought it was a good joke. I'm still proud of the joke. but she did not like it at all.

And that when she threw that pepperoni at me, it was fucking... And my mom was there. For 35 years, nobody ever threw pepperoni in me. I got a beer bottle or shit like that. I don't want that. I'd much rather have pepperoni thrown at me than my idea. Yeah, I feel like you're not complaining about that. I feel like you like me thrown at you.

You know what the funny thing is if you would have picked up the pepperoni and ate it? Yeah. That's where you beat them. You just pick it up and go, fuck you, bitch. I was looking for some pepperoni anyway and shit. I have to find the recording. I'm going to find it. Maybe I did.

I used to eat off people's plates. Like, I'd make a job. In fact, I'm making fat jokes. And they were, like, offer me food on.

That would get a huge laughs. If, like, you just, someone offers you a nacho and you take a nacho on stage. That's fucking crazy. I'm less fat. Why don't you any sound for,

Rach, what's going on? Till, until when's, till tomorrow. And then what? Uh, just stand up.

And then I'm traveling around for the next few months and then, yeah, just go on the road in the next. You're really going after, huh? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I love stand it. I'll shoot you some dates. If you could do it.

I would love that. Yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. I would love that. You know, just let me know if you want to come up. I'm down to clown. Because I got to go to a woman pretty soon because I have guys.

I got to get a woman up front. because a lot of women buy tickets for their dates for men. Yeah. And they come to the show and they get nothing. They get three people talking about dick and pussy and they sit there like fucking orphans. So I always used to have a woman just to give them something. They went out for their, you know, if a woman comes to one of my shows,

I want to, like I'm thinking about buying flowers or something for women because for them to sit through my bullshit, you know, they need something. They need a hug. A therapist. A support group. You could probably partner with a florist in the cities you're going to. What happened? You could probably partner with a florist in the cities you're going to.

I'm sorry, honey. I didn't know that. I was going to call Columbia and fly down there and pick them up and then bring them back. No, I'm saying. God damn it. No, I know. You should go to Columbia and pick them up. I'm just saying that's why I always liked women in front because they get something nice for the ladies.

It's not three fucking guys talking about dick. Also when your girl's happy, you know, you're happy. like if you're taking your girl to the show when she's Oh yeah yeah Your audience you know Well I'm married My wife

Not your but like you're Like the guy in the audience You know If his girl's happy He's happy Yeah You know And you can see it

When they walk out You can see the girls Or at least that guy You know Whatever so That's why So yeah I love to have you Let's do it

Maybe Mississippi The casino Mississippi Yeah Mississippi it is IPPI Yeah, you're close to them. Now, have you been going to Houston for comedy? Yeah, Houston, Dallas, Fort Worth.

Who books you in Dallas? Fort Worth. I do Big Laugh or Hyenas. Hyenas. Yeah. And it's still the big club of that. I like hyenas. I remember I was a hyenas once.

They had room Fort Worth. Yeah. And after it was a Sunday night, it was a black show. I love it. I did the weekend, but I stayed for the black show. And then I'll never forget this. I went outside and I maybe had, they paid me 50 bucks.

And I'm like, what am I going to do with $50? And there was a 400-pound black dude with a T-shirt on selling pork chop sandwiches. Okay. He hadn't cleaned the grill in maybe three years. He was just scraping it. And he'd throw more pork chops on that. And he told, behold, not behold.

The shit that Spanish people and salt and pepper. And he would put them on white bread with the bone and everything. You had to eat around the pork shop with the white bread for like two buns. I must say he's 15 of them. I'm like, God bless America, Black Lives Matter. You know what I?

Fucking pork chop outside. And I went home going, man, I'm going to be fucking sick on that plane tomorrow. Went home tip-top McGoo. The guy used nice pork chops thin and he fried them and he just came to him underbread. Didn't go out of his way to get your Italian bread. Mustard or anything? Huh? Mustard?

Does it fucking matter? He's like the guy had gray Bupon. He's black. He's lucky. No, just front of his way. Which is yellow sounds good. No, no. Are you a sauce queen?

I'm a mustard whore. I'll fucking, I'll fuck up. The only mustard I'm not really huge fan of is honey mustard. Everything else I love. Next time you get a nice turkey burger grill it and put a little mustard on it with run onion. Love it. And a tomato. I had a girl.

I used to make that shit. Maybe some jalapinas. I ate fucking turkey burgers, but this chick made a nasty turkey burger with mustard and a little fucking whatever. Dude, I went to a Chinese place that had a Chinese, like a, you know, the mustard you get at Chinese restaurants. Yeah. They made a martini that flavor.

No way. And they gave you the mustard with the wontons to dip in as you were drinking it. It was a, I'm not a drinker. That was the coolest thing I've ever fucking had.

That is fucking cool. Oh, it was delicious. Well, that wasabi almonds gave you one of those motherfuckers. Oh, those are my favorite. Oh, shit. Those mouserty of soy almonds. Those green little bag.

Oh, yeah, those are good. But you can't get the Walmart kind. Those tastes like ass. No, no. I tried to save some money. The fuck is wrong with you. No way. The fuck is what I'm talking about.

Green bags get expensive. You try to save a dollar. No, it's way more than a dollar. Walmart gives you a bag of $100 million for like $3. So what? You can taste it. I didn't finish it. And you know what I,

but those. No, no. The other company is fucking spotting with those. They're spotting. Like after a bag, you've got to like fucking drink something and then go back to them. They're fucking heavy duty.

Yeah, I pretend like they're healthy when I get them on the road. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what you do with water. Yeah, those are vegetables. Oh, yeah. No, I'm like the diet is healthy. One bag is healthy.

Yeah. One of two of them. You're going into a different fucking league. I get the same thing. Those are good. Fuck. What's your favorite, like, road snacks? Do you eat, like, snacks when you're driving through Texas?

Oh, yeah. I love Bucky's. Have you been to Buckees? He gets so? Don't get to start. What happened? I was going to wear this sweatshirt today, but I didn't want to get yelled at twice. Just because you go to Buckees is good.

He's 38 with a fucking Bucky shirt. What are you? Do you have any Buckees merch? Are you kidding? I have boxers. I have, uh, I have, uh, I have a, I have like lounge pants. I have a workout shorts.

I want to, I have two pairs of sweatpants. I want to get the slides. Like, I love Bucky's. I want to get married in a Bucky's wedding dress. Like I'm not. They have them. They have them for sure.

But listen, the food's okay. I have a Bucky's thong. I got a Bucky's, uh, Garter belt. Yeah. Bucky's tampons.

Like I literally, I want Buckees everywhere. You got Bucky everything. I want Buckees everywhere. You're all bucked up. Yeah. I'm bucked up. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. I'm not bad. I'm going to buggy. He made fun of my sweatshirt.

Because you're grown man. But literally, I literally. You got like Captain Video on there or something. If you go to 10, I'll be around the country and they'll be like, Buckees. If you wear this in Texas, I'm like fucking whatever it is, Canello wherever in Mexico. Like it is, they love Bucky's Texas. You can't fuck with Buckees. When I love.

I love a. Well, let me buy a Bucky shirt so I'm liked. Yeah. Who gives a fuck. A little bit. Dude. At least she's got underwear. Nobody knows to know what it's under there.

You keep telling me. I'm going to go places and they're going to be like, can I touch you? I've never met a Jew before. I'm trying to be a friendly Jew and a Bucky sweatshirt. Well, Buckees ain't going to make any. It might as well put like, no, put a Bucky shirt. Honestly, I looked like the Buckees logo growing up. So I'm very like, I feel very attached to that brand.

That's a cool. Rachel, you're a cool motherfucker. You really are. I felt great having you today. Thank you so much. When I saw you were in town, I'm like, you know what? I'm going to give her a home. Just wanted to see you, you know.

I love when you call me, Uncle Joe. And I call you and you're like, calling me more off. Yeah. I just call you because you're fucking family, you know what I'm saying? I love it. Your family. I love you, Uncle Joey.

I'll never forget one time just Kim Con to move back to Orlando, right? And I go, Kim, I'm doing a show in Miami. Do you want to open for me? And like two hours later, I look on Twitter, it's like, it's always a good day when Uncle Joey called you for breakfast. And I'm like, these are my girls. Yeah. We love you.

I love those girls. And the crazy Jewish Puerto Rican. Let's fucking go. She's on her own. Sarah? Yes. I love her. Because you have yin and yang there.

Yeah, no, no, no. They're great together. They're great together. That's one of my favorite. And I feel like I'm like a combination of both of them. So when you get the three of us together, it's like, it's so fun. It's good girls, man. It's good to see that you guys are still.

See, how many fucking girls went through the store? No, I'm telling you. That's why I'm saying to you. Every month, a hot girl came. Do you remember Barbie or? No, I was before my time. She'd come on Sunday. in the Porsche and she had fake tits,

but the vein went through the tit like a bodybuilder. Oh my God. Like she was a bodybuilder. Now, she really wasn't a bodybuilder, but she had the tit and the doctor cut the vein wrong. So the vein went right through her tit, and it was like cut.

She was cut. Tits were like little hard balls, like little small dine balls. So that face, she was thin. But like he was a girl that came. There were so many women that called himself stand up and they come up one day a week. And there was always bullshit.

And then you saw the girls that were there, battling it out, fucking getting hit on every night, fucking tortured, have to follow this. And you look at those women after a while, man, you start respecting them a lot more. You're like, any guy could do this until two in the morning. Look at these women, still banging up up here, fucking hanging out, trying to get a fallout and shit, you know. We love it.

It's a different fucking world. Yeah. I really appreciate you. And I appreciate, like, when you were working with Felipe, like, you had this little buzz, wolfie, wolfie. I really appreciate both of you guys. I've always supported me since I started. Yeah, man.

You know, listen, you're like daughters now. You guys are like daughters. Like, I got 12 years. I told you to have to punish her, and I feel fucking terrible. But what am I going to do? I got to do something. I don't yell out.

I don't hit her. You know, I give her what she wants, and then, you know, this shit. So I was like, you got to go down for two weeks. And we're taking all the makeup now. Now you're done. You want to dress up like... But when she gets older,

she'll appreciate that because I, now looking back, I appreciate the times when my dad was hard on me. Yeah, no, you're not, I'm not fucking kicking her in the stomach and calling her a bitch or nothing. Not even close. No, but, you know. When I caught her, I didn't even say nothing. I went and took a shower first so I had to prevail. Because I was upset because I didn't tell her once. I didn't tell her twice.

A mother told her twice. And then I told her again, mercy, you're too young, baby. You could do the stuff. Just don't put that on your eyes because I'm going to go to call from the school that I'm allowing. Wonder Woman go to fucking school with that white shit on your eyes. So today was she was putting in out in school and she forgot to take it off. So when she came in, I was sitting there with my wife. And I just looked at her and like, God damn it.

And she had forgotten until she started talking to me. I could see it in her face. And I remember looking like, oh, mercy, you put it on your face again. She's like, I'm sorry, Dad. I just didn't say nothing. But it reminded me when I was in the eighth grade, I was walking home with a kid that smoked. Bad motherfucker. Yeah.

smoking, coughing, coughing. And all of something, we look up, and his mother was right there. I'll never forget that. And he went to spit the cigarette out, but the cigarette stuck to his lip. And his mother's like, just make sure you're home for dinner. And he's like, all right, I will. And the cigarette was there the whole time.

She didn't say a fucking word. When he got home, his father was waiting for him with six cartons of cigarettes, a box of tobacco. They gave him everything. He had to sit there. They still have pictures of him. Fucking. If you call over the table, they made him smoke fucking until from 3.30.

He smoked to like midnight. Yeah. Well, now he's dead. Oh, well. He died shortly after the dead. Dead. So hopefully I'll see you next week. Oh, yeah.

I got to tell you something, man. I've seen you grow up. You look beautiful. You've grown up to be a beautiful woman. like an Allie McGraw. You're like a 70s fucking heart drop. You know what I'm saying? The hair is beautiful.

So I'm happy you're still doing this. I'm very proud of you. And I'm happy you stop by and got a shot and tortured Lee a little bit. Brad armpit. That's fucking hysterical. That is hysterical. You got any dates you want to push on here, beautiful? Just follow me on Instagram, social media.

And you'll see where I'm at and where I'm going. So, yeah, at Rachel Wolfson. at Wolfie comedy All the thing Wolfie. Yeah. I love that shit. Wolfie is Eddie Munster's teddy bear.

Oh, is it? I used to date a girl that her vagina look like Wolfie. The teddy bear and I said it on stage and I didn't know she was in the OR that night

and she got offended. Yeah, that's where my name comes from is a tribute to that Uncle Joey. I love Wolfie. Where are you at Lee? Two big shows this week. September 26.

I'm headlining the dojo. George got the poster. It's going to be a great show. Go to Tiff's comedy. got dot com for that and then Wednesday I'm going to be at the New York Comic Club Upper West Side doing a stand-up on the spot. So a lot of other shows are on the city

this week. It's a busy week but those two will be in Brooklyn. I'll be in Greenwich Village so a lot of shows this week. Very excited. I'll be in one place Wednesday night. I'm in West Niagara, New York. The wait list is still there and I'm back

there all October but we'll get to that just focus on this Wednesday besides that, I got Dick. I got November 8th, D.C. at the casino. Yeah, Leverty Live. I got, no, no, no, that's not the casino. The November 8th that said, where the fuck is it, D.C. Something.

Virginia is the fuck. Virginia is December 5th. November 25th is Philadelphia, the night before Thanksgiving. That's always on fucking top. You know what I'm saying? Tip top. So beside that, I got nothing. I want to thank my little angel.

racial. I want to thank Lee Syatt and everybody in crew here. I want to thank you guys. And to all the Jews in the struggle, happy Rosh Hashanah. Stay black, motherfuckers. Don't ever forget. Have a great week. What's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joe here. Let me ask you a question. You know, we do certain things. We get hungry. We want a little bit of sugar. And if you want that taste from your childhood without the sugar headache, it's time for Magic Spoon. Oh, Magic Spoon is the cereal you used to eat on Saturday mornings, but built it for your old person metabolism. Magic spoons got 13 grams of protein.

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