The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - REMEMBERING WHO YOUR REAL FRIENDS ARE | #233 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, March 6, 2023… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH This episode is also brought to you by Stamps.com, BlueChew & Manscaped… BLUECHEW Visit https://bluechew.com and use code JOEY to try it free! Just pay $5 shipping STAMPS Visit https://www.stamps.com & use code JOEY to get a free trial. MANSCAPED Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code DIAZ for 20% off + free shipping on your first order. Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world  And don't forget... The Mind of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz  #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps #RocketMoney The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

All these people are blowing up. Piano player. I believe that if I put hardworking, that I would get better at something. What does that tell you? Jesus Christ. You know, just being a good guy. Because even when I was a criminal,

my motto was always to make somebody's day. Some days it meant, yeah, me robbing you. But, you know, I didn't make your day, but I made my day. And I was having a good time, but I wasn't really feeling fulfilled. You know, like, He was just, felt like I went out of dinner.

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What does that tell you? Jesus Christ, where is the time going? It's already March the 6th. It's crazy. But it was a great weekend. It was a great week last week. I'm feeling good. Everybody's doing good.

Congratulations to John Jones last night. you know, I'd made a video on Saturday for you guys. I talk a lot of shit, you know, and I always push draft kings and whatnot. I love draft kings. It's been a, you know, I didn't mess around with sports for the whole time I was doing comedy. I was so focused on it.

And now, you know, I enjoy. Like the little fucking things I got left, I enjoy just to watch a game from time to time. It's not like I watch sports all the time. But at night, sometimes, you know, You just, the game started at 7.30. My house don't get going until 9. Sometimes I watch the first quarter of a game.

Then I do something. I try to write jokes for Lee. I try to write in my journal. You know, shit like that. No, that's my little, I dog. I'm always writing jokes for Lee. I'm always, listen, I can't write in my voice no more because I don't even know what the fuck my voice is anymore.

So I ghost right for Lee, you know, and that's it. And I push him. Like, last night I gave him a joke. He was in Orlando. Saturday night. So all week I was thinking about a joke for Lee and I'm like, what can I do for Lee for Saturday night?

Because Lee's at a point right now in his comedy career. He's been doing comedy, let's say, four years. So what I try to do is I try to give him the easy jokes, but then I'm trying to write jokes for him that I wrote for myself at the four-year mark and I wasn't ready to say. And people like, Joey, what the fuck are you talking about?

Sometimes you write a joke that's so strong that you're at a level that you're not prepared to deliver it. And you'll deliver it and you'll say it 50 times, you'll giggle, but nobody else gives a fuck about your stupid joke and you'll throw it away. But in time, you'll realize that that joke was maybe written a little too strong for where you are talent-wise. and it happens all the fucking time. So I wanted to test him this week. So I go, you know what? Let me give him like a fucking racy joke. He's in Orlando.

There's a joke I've been working for like three years. I don't have the balls to say. And it came and it went, so it was an old joke. But you could still use it in a late form. And it was when the gay guy in the post nightclub shooting in Orlando, he shot all those gay people, like 90 people. So one day I was sitting and I'm like man If he shot all those people

There's got to be some gay ghost around People who got stuck on the fucking frontier Who didn't make it all the way to heaven or hell Or whatever to fuck their mission was to be gone I go so that means when you go to Orlando There's got to be gay ghost wouldn't that be funny If you're in your room at Disneyland Austin you hear like boo-hoo you know

You're like what the fuck And it's those gay ghosts that got shot So it's not a great joke And I haven't set it up yet But last night, I called Lee Saturday night I called Lee and I'm like, hey, bro, fucking, this is a good joke for you to try. We were dying a laughter on the phone.

I don't know what the final conclusion was what joke he was going to try. You know, I told him if you try this joke, they'll definitely not have you back, which is always a good sign. Sometimes it's a great sign when a club doesn't want to have you back. You don't know that at the time,

but sometimes it's just a dingy bar or some club. with the owners fucking thinks he's fucking Mitz. He's sure and he's not. So that's part of my, sometimes at night I just write a fucking joke for Lee. I think of something, you know, and I'll open up his mind with it

because sometimes it's not a joke that you could use, but sometimes it's the choice of opening your mind. You know, I subscribe to a betting newspaper. It cost me dollars on the cents, just so I can read about sports because I haven't really caught up. to it. Do I think, do you think I use their picks? Not at all. They sent me picks every night. I don't gamble every night. Do you think I use their picks? No. You know why I read their picks? So it opens up my

mind. Sometimes they'll just say, listen, look at this guy. He scored 30 points in four games. Maybe tonight he's going to go under 30. I'll think about it. Sometimes it's just opening your mind. You can't tell that joke. It's funny because last week I told what had happened. what the anxiety that drove me to, you know, just everything that was going on for the podcast. But one of the things that I also want to address is something that somebody else said to me recently. And they said that about two years ago before the pandemic, they reached out to me for a spot at a comedy show. And I told them no. And they thought that I was a liar that I don't help other comics.

And I was reading the thing because I had heard that before. that people were mad at me or young comics were mad at me like when I say, pick up the phone and call people and then I'd use a story when somebody called me and I didn't know how to really

break that down for people and it's all broken down by the intention the intention okay when I was a young comic likely four or five years yes I was impressionable I was impressed by comics

like you know, Carlos Monscia, Doug Stanhope, Wendy Liebman, Jackie Flynn, there was a complete different stock of stand-up comics that were on the working circuit then. Rocky Leport, you know, Andrew Dice Clay was just finishing up a huge fucking massive arena tour. Roseanne was blowing up. All these people were blowing up. We didn't have the camera. We didn't have the camera. we didn't have a lot of things

we didn't have the the phone with the video in it we didn't have a lot of those things so it was hard work based whatever you're going to do it's always hard work based whether you're going to be a fucking piano player whatever the fuck

when a comic would come to town like Felicia Michaels did in 94 I got a guest set to Felicia Michaels and afterward I went up on stage during the guest set I bombed whatever but I didn't go down there for Felicia to save my life. Are you with me here?

I didn't go down there for somebody to save my life. I always knew that nobody could save my life. I knew that if I believed, I didn't know this, I believed that if I put hardworking, that I would get better at something. I would get better. If I put hard work into anything, I believe I'm going to get better on it.

Right. So the first big comic I met that wasn't big at the time, but he was big was Doug Stanope. He was big to me. He was doing a lot better than I was. I was an emcee and he was a feature. In my world, he didn't need to be on TV. He was doing a lot better than me.

When I met Doug, I didn't know that comics took other comics on the road. I didn't know any of that stuff. I was right. I was just impressed with Doug. and the skills. When we finished the show, Doug was talking about if I knew a hotel in the area,

they're staying in and I'm like, yeah, but listen, I don't know what you're getting paid here tonight, but it's probably not a lot. Why don't you stay at my house? When I offered that to Doug, I didn't offer that to Doug for him to change my life. I offered it to Doug as a fucking,

as a fucking, you know, just being a good guy. I want to save you $50. because even when I was a criminal, my motto was always to make somebody's day. Some days it meant, yeah, me robbing you. But, you know, I made, I didn't make your day, but I made my day. But, you know, that was basically it. So I helped him, but my intentions were pure.

When he came back a year later, he was headlining. I was still on MC, and I was impressed with him even more. And I still didn't ask him. I didn't even know what to ask him. I would ask him a few questions about stand-up. what is this like, you know, shit like that. And then other comics, I became friends with, you know, when the triple run, I worked there for two years,

two comics came in, that's 104 comics a year. That's 208 and two years I worked with. And I don't remember any of them passed. Seriously, all those comics were headliners in 1991, and they were probably in their 40s. And they probably went, it's a triple run. So when you're a headlining, you know, a triple run, it's not that your career is on the way up.

I don't mean to disrespect anybody. When you're a young guy and you're doing triple runs, your career's on the way up. But when you're an old guy like me doing triple runs just because your career is in the fucking toilet. So those guys that I worked with were probably moved on to something else. I'm not mad at them.

I'm not saying anything bad about them. And that's who I stood. And I stayed on that path till whatever. I didn't open up for a comic ever until I got that way. I think Paul Rodriguez asked me to open for them. Rogan asked me a couple times. But when they asked me to open for them,

yes, I wanted to make a good impression so they continued taking me on the road, but I wasn't going to commit to just them taking me on the road. I was also going to do my work on the side, keep hustling work, and whatever work they had wasn't a cherry on the Sunday. You know, that's all I'm putting it. So I went to the count.

comedy store after that and yes I became friends with Joe Joe was on news radio again I did not become his friend because he was on a TV show I became his friend because we were comics working on the same fucking goals he was a lot ahead of me but that didn't change who my goals were I still had to keep fucking working and that's my story on that for some reason and guys I help anybody who asked me for help comedically and I'm very honest with them and I'll tell them what's going on but I saw this the last couple years that I was in Los Angeles and the last couple of years that I was on tour people are looking to get saved that's a different story than help Lee Syatt was always looking for help he was not looking to be saved Mike was looking for help he was not looking to be saved

that's a big difference. I became friends with a lot of, when I first started doing the church, you know, I would talk to a, we had a Google messengers, like Google page. I think Felicia set it up.

Dog, I would wake up with 100 fucking messages a day. And I would answer every one of them. And 50 of them were standups, wanting advice. And I would answer every which one of them. But then I started noticing I was getting, and this one email from this one guy.

And he was the best comic in the world. And, you know, like, I mean, it was fucking mind-boggling the shit I was reading. And I had, like, ten of these guys that they were the best comics in the world. They were going to do this. They were going to do that. They were going to change the world with comedy. But they wanted my help. Like, I can't wait to get to L.A. to get on stage with you.

Okay. You know, I can't wait either. I can't wait to see you. I really can't. From all this shit you're telling me, I am fucking excited. And then they come to L.A. And listen, when I went to L.A.,

the first couple weeks, yeah, I went up to the store one night, and I happened to know, I knew these people from before I got there. I knew Monsea. I knew James Stevens III. I knew Doug Stano, but I knew them from the,

road. They had seen me working. You follow me? They had seen me at different places. When I see you at fucking Dr. Quinn's in fucking Lansing,

Michigan, and then I see you three months later and you're, I'm in Miami but you're working at Fort Lauderdale with a headliner I know. And then three months later, I'm in Tempe and you're at the, I'm at the Tempe Improv and you're at the fucking Phoenix Improft. and we see each other at the airport.

I could tell you you're putting in the work. I didn't know what these other guys were doing. So they would come to L.A. and then they would go, the first question was, Joey, can you get me into the comedy store? And I'm like, no. I mean, I don't even know you. How can I refer you if I don't know you?

You're a fucking scumbag. Fuck you. You told me you would help. I didn't tell you. you anything. I just told you I can't wait to see you and now you want to move in you want to fucking you want me to fire Lee I had people tell me fire Lee I want to move in and I want to be a regular at the store just like that I didn't know these people from the fucking road I never bumped into them on the road or they call me and go or they hit me with an email on Thursday

and go Joey you're coming to fucking Kentucky this week can I I feature for you. Again, I don't know you. Number one, number two, I know Dean Del Rey. I know Lee Syed. I know DiAgostino Zoyna. I know the one girl that works at the comedy store with a husband who's a doorman and she's the ticket girl at the store. And I know that they fight every week for fucking spots. And I know that Di Agostino's out six, seven, eight nights a week in L.A. I know Dean D'O.Rae is out eight nights a week in L.A. And I know Lee's out at a fucking comedy place paying $5 a show doing three shows a fucking night.

You know, this is the fucking truth to you. I know these guys. I know what they're doing. And I know they need rent money even though they're working their ass off. So I'm sorry that I don't know you, Pete fucking Smith. And I can't give you a feature spot. And now you're mad at me. I mean, you're going to tell everybody I'm a scumbag because I didn't fucking use you,

but I used one of my friends that I know is working hard and I know is putting the time in. Unlike you, I had no idea what the fuck you're doing. You're just looking to get on stage, do good, and hopefully somebody brings you to Rogan and you're... I wish it worked that way. I wish it worked that way. So for people to get fucking angry with me, like comics, young comics, like, he says this about comics, he never helped us. Guys, we have our own circle to work with already.

I have guys that I've known for 10 years that are doing the work in L.A., and they are killing themselves. And they are taking planes to make $200 and lose money on a plane ticket. Not many times I know for a fact, Dean and DiAgostino were breaking even? Like, they were going to drop... They were going to lose $200 by featuring at your club.

So instead, I give them money for a plane ticket. I give them an extra money because I know they're busting their fucking ass. So for you to go around spreading rumors that Uncle Joey never helped me with comedy, that's pretty fucking bad. And you know how many guys I did help with comedy in L.A., and they all failed me? Do you have any fucking idea? How many gigs I got for people? You know how many times I got gigs for people, and they would call me and go, that wasn't a good gig. You just moved here from Iowa where you were doing gigs for fucking penguins or whatever the fuck you would.

doing. I get you a gig at flappers. I got a guy at a gig at flappers and he was talking shit about me. And I got them to give him $150. This guy had never made a dollar in his life. So after that, you're like, why should I help people? These people just, we have our own little fucking, you have your own little pen. You have your own little bowpen of people. And I loved me. And I had Eric Roker, too, the gay guy.

That motherfucker does five sets a night and sucks three dicks That dude is working seven nights a week that dude was doing three fucking sets a night Now he's featuring now he's fucking featuring at the improv doc willis all these guys I knew they were putting the working So for you people that I disappointed by not helping you by not giving you a guest set because I guess that was going to change your life A guest set's not going to change your life And if you got to remember

I got Here's the other thing with guest sets I started giving out guest sets When I was on the road Comics would come And they go yeah I've been doing comedy For two weeks and shit I was in San Jose one time

And some comic was emailing me And even though I had a full lineup I went against my best wishes On an early show And put this guy up me the state's tech everybody told this guy seven minutes

we got a full show tonight seven minutes do you know what time this guy got off 22 minutes and this is what I'm saying when you have a sold out show and you're doing six of those shows

whether it's a theater in the theater I would never give a guest set because it's no but we're in a club I'll give you a guest set But the problem with the fucking club is that once you give out one guest set, you've got to give out a guest set every fucking weekend. And guys, my job is to get in and out of that. My job is not to keep, is by putting 20 comics up

and distancing self, me and me audience for an hour before I get up there. I'm going to walk up to a dead audience. Does anybody ever even think of that? No. No, Joey's a scumbag. He wouldn't give me a guess it. Does anybody ever think of that? Does anybody ever think of how hard I work to get that audience in here?

And I'm going to have somebody just come in and insult them. You know how many people come in and go, You guys suck because you didn't laugh at me. These are a fucking, this is a real audience. This is an audience that I've been cultivating for 20 years through podcast, other shows. and I'm going to let you come in here with your stupidity and go up there and say, I'm going to kick her like the fetus of an aborted baby,

is that what the audience wants to hear? So do you understand me, guys, you're living in a fucking, you know, I have to see you before I put you up. I have to know you. That's what anything. If you're doing a renovation of your house and fucking the guy,

and you're going to give the guy fucking 5,000, to fix a door or sink or whatever the fuck you're going to check a reference right i mean am i okay to say that you're going to check a reference so what am i going to do make you audition in front of my thing on a tuesday on a thursday night you're going to show up with eight people and you're going to go up there and try to fucking ruin a show for somebody we cultivated that audience whether it's me whether it's fucking steve burn whether it's steo vaughan whether it's josh wolf we cultivated that audience since day one and you want to come

and poach, you know, nobody ever asked you to do a guest set when you have eight people in the audience. Let's just keep it at that, okay? Let's just keep it at that.

Where's the motherfuckers that call you up to fucking, go, hey, you got eight tickets sold tonight. Do you matter if I come down

and do a guest set? But you want to get your ass down there when I have 400 people. So people always understand we live on a fucking jaded, fucking thing here. Something else happened this week that was

really fucking interesting. You know, man, in life you have great friends, you have, you have so many different things and you really can't put your finger on what it is with everybody that you have. You know, I wish I saw Mike Moore.

Mike lives fucking an hour from here. I wish I could call Mike and go, Mike, let's go get a fucking subway sandwich. Mike, let's go do this, but it doesn't. It doesn't happen. You know, we live too far to fucking hang out. Right now, I'm living around a lot of acquaintances, and I'm enjoying it.

I fucking love it. But a couple weeks ago, I got a call from a friend of mine, and she goes, hey, listen, I've been spoken to you in a while. I know you've been busy, I've been busy traveling. Do you mind if we get together for lunch? And I'm like, no, no. And, you know, when I moved back here, I thought I would see her a lot more and more than everybody. Her name is Lisa.

I met her in the eighth grade. We were in the eighth grade together, and we had a sports thing in the high school. And I met her. Hello, how you doing? My name is Lisa. We had a mutual friend. And then that summer I would see her at North Bergen Pool.

And I thought this girl was beautiful. But I also had no confidence. I just didn't think she would ever date a guy like me. So I never even got her into that realm. You know, whenever I saw, I would think of my mother that you can't fuck everybody you gotta keep some women as your friends

and with her yeah when I was 14 I wanted to fuck everybody you know teachers nuns fucking bakers I didn't give a fuck you know when you're 14 you want to fuck the bakery lady you don't give a fuck but I don't know

something made me look at her and go you know what I don't want to even go over that line we'll just leave it and hello goodbye and I would see her at North Bergen Poole when we were kids, and I would love to look at her in a bikini and, you know, when she was like going into freshman year or something, because she was always a year older than I was. And I would just watch her with a bikini and, you know,

I never even told nobody. Like, it's not like I liked her as a girlfriend. I just thought she was good-looking, and I thought that nothing would have happened. So I kept talking to her, and freshman year she got better looking. And freshman basketball, I was playing freshman basketball and the track would have practiced after freshman. from basketball and I would sit there and watch her run hurdles her and a blonde girl that live

this blonde girl now lives in O'Bridge and she's a fucking haughty too I haven't seen her since high school but I used to watch both of them and go wow they're fucking beautiful the girl I had a crush on her great legs and and not even a crush I just thought she was hot but she was my friend I never thought that nothing would happen I kept being her friend and I was friends with her and all her little girlfriends. And then my sophomore year, right before my mother died, a buddy of mine started dating her. No, her girlfriend had a crush on a friend of mine.

And this girl came up to me, and she goes, let me answer you a question on the slide. What if me and your friend Lisa hooked up with you and your boy D? And I was like, are you fucking serious? And she's like, yeah. And I go, bro, that girl's not going to go on a date with me. And she's like, dog, she wants to go on a date with you. You've just been playing like Possum with her trying to be her friend,

but she wants to go on a date with you. I'm like, come on. I was all fucking excited. So we were going to meet on a Friday night or something. That was the schedule of meet, but it had to be on the down low. because the one girl had just broken up with a high school boyfriend and he was a lunatic

so she's like we've got to do this on the down low so if we can't do it on a download we can't do it so that Friday it didn't work out that Saturday was going to be a Halloween party and the girl Lisa finally called me

and says listen I'm hooking up with you tonight and I'm like what the fuck is she saying you know I had cologne on you know when you're fucking 14 15 you got cologne on the whole thing yeah there was no manscape but nothing so

and I went to a party and somebody came to the party and said she's around the corner and another party waiting for you and that girl that came to get me as we were leaving that party her boyfriend pulled up I told that story and

got into a fight with her and jumped her and I had to pull them off her that was the night so I never got to this fucking girl to swap spit with this girl or hold hands with her or whatever I was going to do. Then my mother died and we went to a different fucking dilemma. I didn't see her. Then she started dating a guy. And then one time we were down the shore and we were talk because we were good friends.

Like we were just friends. I had never hit on her. All this shit had happened. Like a year earlier, we were supposed to hook up and now it's a year later and we're still friends. But she's dating a very dear friend of mine. A fucking guy that we used to call like Godzilla. He was so fucking big. And I'm talking to it down the show and somebody told him they were up like all night talking and we weren't up all night talking. She had gotten back from something at like six in the morning and I was still up in the night before and we were in a fucking living room down the show at a fucking house just bullshit

and somebody told the guy so he came and threatened me. Stop talking to it. And I'm like, Doug, I was sitting there with three friends and she came in and started talking to us, which was the truth. and then she was embarrassed so we didn't talk for like another year it was the craziest fucking thing in the world then they broke up

and they started breaking up in high school and then she would talk to me and I was still a little upset about the fucking thing when I talked to and I didn't try to hit on her or nothing so I kind of stayed away from her one day she just fucking I was living with the runnies

and she just came over and she's like listen man I know we've had a a bumpy history you know, but I'm very fondy. And I'm sitting there going, I got no money. I'm living in my friend's basement. What is this girl talking about?

You know, why does she fucking continue to, I don't know, I don't know. We never had sex, nothing. But we used to talk. And then when I moved with the runny, she lived around the corner. So we made a deal that we would work out every night. Like we would get back in tune and work out. We would go to Hudson County Park where the Martians landed, and we'd run around the lake every night,

and then on the way home, we'd stop at Carvel, and we'd smoke pot. And we'd just talk. And if anybody knew my deepest, darkest secrets at the time, it was her. I was going through hell with my stepfather. I was going through hell without my mother. I was telling all this shit that I was going through, and then it came time to graduate way in high school,

and she was dating a guy. I guess she went back with that same boyfriend, so she was, it was like, apprehensive relationship with me and her. But finally one day she told the boyfriend, who was a dear friend of mine, who I went to grammar school with, what the fuck was up?

And he finally goes, I get it. All right, you guys are friends. And we were. We fucking definitely were friends. And the whole time, there was one time we thought about swap and spit. But we were friends, man.

And good friends. Like just good friends. And then we started going out at night. We were all going out in a group, me or six other girls. Nothing ever happened. We'd go out snort Coke, smoke pot, eat playludes. I mean, we were having a good time.

We were fucking kids, you know. And then I went, as I was getting ready to go to Colorado in 83, I started talking to her more and more. She was unhappy with her boyfriend at the time. She was unhappy with like her career and shit like that. And we were, you know, we were talking the afternoons. We'd go get a hashaway sandwich once a week. At night, we'd be together. I mean, two nights a week, she was with her boyfriend,

but the other five nights she was always with me. And I don't know. It kind of got a little weird before I left. We started going through those conversations of Dayton again. But you know what? I had to get the fuck out of here. I was dying. I wasn't making any progress.

So I fucking left. And I left on April 21st, 5th, 1983, which is her birthday. So I still remember getting in the car and giving, like, a birthday card and hugging her in town i'd be back soon and shit but i wasn't coming back i didn't know what i was doing and when i went to colorado to aspen we talked every week every week we were talking the phone for like an hour how you doing and she was struggling i was lonely not being around my north bergen friends and shit and finally i came back and i mean if i got back on the sunday night i saw her an hour or two after i landed and we were inseparable for those two weeks and nothing happened

and that was she was one of the reasons that I fucking stayed it was her and let the music play that song I heard that song out in my friend's house and I'm like how can I go back to colorado with this music playing the coke is so good the quailudes are bumping what am I doing colorado ski but the real reason was I wanted to get you know I was ready for a girlfriend a full-time girlfriend so when I came back we made the mistake and started fucking dating and I loved her and she loved me man we were having a great time, but you know what? We went to drugs. I was into drugs.

She didn't know how bad I was into drugs. And after a couple months, it just didn't work out. You know, I was fucking homeless half the time. Sometimes I had an apartment. I think the worst thing I did was after she, we broke up, she fucking hated me. And I kept trying to force the hand. And I'll tell you what, it wasn't that she hated me as much as she was disgusted in me. because I had the world by the balls

and I was doing drugs and I wasn't paying attention and everybody was trying to offer me jobs and I wouldn't take them so I never figured I took it to a New York net game the nets were playing the Sixers or somebody out here at the Meadowlands.

It had to be November of 84. I was in bad shape. I had picked up an ounce of Coke at 11 in the morning and now it was 7 o'clock at night and I was down to a half ounce of Coke and I took it to this game and at the first period

I talked about this before I got up to get his drinks and I ended up getting the fucking waiter coked up at the metal ends arena I got up in the beginning of the first quarter and I didn't come back for it was two minutes left in the game

she was pissed she made me drive her home she told me to fuck off and the whole thing and I was fucking heartbroken and then at the end of my homelessness, I ended up going to a party, like December 29th or something like that of 84.

And she was there with a new boyfriend, and I made a fucking jerk out of myself. I started crying the whole fucking thing. You know, I'm not embarrassed to say so. We're all fucking idiots from time to time. Listen, man, I was homeless. I was in bad shape physically and mentally, and I just put a lot of hope into it. And I knew how much she liked me. You know, and that night we had a little bit of our argument.

I said, fuck her. I'm not going to talk to them more. I can't believe she did this to me in my lowest point. I moved to Colorado, and years later, when I was about to get married, one of my friends came to the wedding, and he pulled me aside, and he goes, hey, man, I talked to Lisa the other day. She sends her love, and she says to call her before you get married. And I was like, what?

And she goes, call her before you get married. She wants you to call him and talk to her before you commit to this marriage. And I'm like, I'm not calling that fucking bitch. You know, I'm not going to call it. I ended up getting married. And then years later, I got divorced. And then when I came back here 30 years ago, I got a job working at a deli. I was embarrassed.

I didn't want anybody to know. And one day as I'm walking out to get in the car, she's outside. And she's like, hey, man, what are you doing? She's like, I heard you're back in town and you're working here. and I told how embarrassed I was and the fucking whole thing. And, you know, we became tired of that, but she picked me up that night. And she introduced me to a husband. She goes, I want you to meet my husband.

You know, he's a good guy. He wants to meet you. I told him all about you. And I met him and I got it. You know, I wasn't jealous. I wasn't upset. I wasn't anything. She had done great with her life, you know.

And then I loved. left and I started doing comedy and she would come to my shows with her husband and I wasn't very good then but she would support me this before anybody would come to my shows she would come to shows when I was a fucking feature acting shit she would go to bananas and fucking uh the other place and west orange I forget what his name anyway she would go to all those clubs she went to sea caucus to hula hands to see me once and I got booed and she was always my friend and shit You know, and then, like about maybe 15 years ago, my friends were out of barbecue at some party,

and some other guys were talking some shit about me, and she fucking read them a fucking riot act. Like, she's like, fuck you motherfuckers, you don't know what he's been through in his life as a kid, his stepfather. I mean, she knew everything. She knew what I was suffering. You know, I would only tell her, you know,

You know, like, it got back to me that she stuck up for me, and I called her up and I go, hey, man, I heard what happened at that party. I know who was talking shitty about me, and I know that you went on on a fucking hook for me. Thank you. And she's like, don't worry about it. They don't know dick, blah, blah, blah. So this girl had my back when there was nothing. There was no storytelling. There was no longest yard.

There was nothing. She was already telling people, go, fuck yourself. He's going to do great. shut the fuck up. What have you done with your life? I mean, she was already batten for me. So when I got Spider-Man, too, I got invited to the cast and crew.

I really couldn't do nothing. You know, I just took my wife. Casting crew is like a fucking washed-up premiere. You know, without the lights and the photographers and shit. You just go there, they don't give you nothing. They don't give a fuck about you. But I, you know, I don't give a fuck. But for the longest yard, they told me I had

I could bring eight people. I don't know if you guys know this. I brought seven guys and one girl. And that girl was my friend Lisa. Because she believed in me so fucking much. I couldn't, I didn't even take my wife to that fucking premiere, but I took this girl to that premier. That's just to let you know.

I took her to that one. I took, I think, six of my friends and one of the teachers. I think I took Mr. T to that one. And then for the Grudge match premiere in New York City I brought Mercy's Godfather I brought Mr. T. No, I brought Mr. Barone, my other teacher and I brought Lisa.

She never brought her husband to any of the premier. She always went with me. And for the many Saints and Newark premiere, I brought Lisa because I don't remember. I don't forget shit, guys. So when we got here, When I got here, it was COVID, and I really couldn't see her, even though she lives 25 minutes from me.

She has parents to the old, and she was like, Coco, I love to see you and the baby and your daughter, but I can't because I got to go see my parents and they're old. You know, everybody was scared about their parents. Now nobody gives a fuck. But, so we didn't really see each other a lot during the pandemic. And then we got, she came to the premiere of, uh, she came to the premiere September, 22nd. She came to my house here one night to dinner with her girlfriends, and I had a little get-together here,

and she said she'd stop by. She went to Olnito. And then she came with her husband to Olnito, and she stopped by. She came up by the house, and I talked to both of them. But then I haven't seen her, you know, so it was weird because I was like,

you know what, man, she's one of my friends that this just went away. You know, listen, we all grew up, everybody's busy with their own lives. And she called me for my birthday. She goes, hey, man, I didn't forget it's your birthday. I'm going to be busy this weekend and next weekend, but can we do lunch on a Wednesday?

And I was like, absolutely. First I was a little apprehensive. I didn't know if I had to do the fucking audio book or what the fuck I was doing. And we went and met. Guys, I got there at 12, 15. I forgot. I was there.

And at 3 o'clock, she says it's 3 o'clock. I had to fucking run out of there to meet. mercy. That's how involved we were in our conversation. It was like it was like I had it was like we had no time between us. I was sitting there

because we were sitting at the bar we used to go to Hudson County Park and we used to sit at the park bench and we look out into the river and we just talk without looking at each other. So a lot of times this week when I was eating my meal I was talking and we were talking

and I wasn't looking at her and I could think about us being kids at Hudson County Park. I was like, wow, this takes me back. I mean, this is 1980 fucking 4-3. We used to walk around that fucking lake in the winter or something.

We're going 40 back. 40 fucking years with this person. That's 40 fucking years. And you figure five years before that going to clubs and eating quailudes and jumping up and down and fucking. But

she knew my frame of mind for a long time. And I told her, I never lied to her. I told her what was in my head, what was in my heart. And she used to go, Joey, I'm just going to Coco. She doesn't call me Joey at all. She goes, Coco, I'm going to fucking pray for you. But this Wednesday, we just talked about life, family, what happened all those years, you know,

what happened to our, friends what happened to our relationships with him and i left there i don't know i can't even tell you what i felt when i got in the car and i can't even tell you how i felt that night but the next day i woke up and i had a a miss call from her and i called it back and i go hey man did you fall asleep after lunch because i came home i played with mercy for a while my wife got home and i told them all i got to take a nap i think i got it all proteined up from the meal i don't know what the fuck happened. I think just we were both so excited.

We hadn't seen each other. After we left, she said she passed out. She couldn't keep her eyes open. And I came home and fell asleep for a fucking hour. That's how great it was just to see her. And I tell people all the time, man. Listen, I really enjoyed talking to my therapist when I needed Dana from Bedal. I had a great time talking to her.

I think the best therapy is just seeing somebody that knows you inside and out sometimes. and just talking. We didn't discuss any of our problems. We just discussed what we had been through the last year. You know what she was going through with her parents. Her dad's 85. He can't drive. I remember working for her dad.

Okay? Her dad was a fucking animal. When I used to bartending the city, you know, I'm snorting coke so I can use every dollar I can't. It didn't matter. I was making $600 a week and 300 and tips. That wasn't enough in my life. style.

Fuck, no. So I had to paint bathtubs. You never heard me telling those stories. Her father got put in a halfway house when he was younger for bookmaking. In New Jersey, you can't bookmaker is a felony. Great fucking story. And while he was at the halfway house, they brought him to a small business convention. And he bought a franchise on bat tubs.

like people who come to your house and instead of you buying a new tub they resurface it and they paint it and they guarantee it and you got a new fucking tub and when I met him he had been out of the halfway house

like 15 years already 20 years but the business had grown he had like four guys working for him so one day I'm over there with him and he's like you look like a big guy you know Lisa's boyfriend you should come work with me and I'm like okay So I would do it Monday nights and Saturdays and Sundays.

Fucking great job, guys. He showed up with a truck. I pulled out paint and another fucking milk container and a compressor. I would go in the bathroom. I would wash the tub with fucking, you know, women's gloves, those plastic gloves. I would wash the tubs. And then I would dry the tub and then I would have to put some acid on it. for 20 minutes

and then I would have to wash the tub off. I'd do all the prepping. I would wash the tub out, get all the acid off the tub, make sure all the old paint was off and then I'd have to paint, you know, when you paint anything, you gotta fucking tape it off and put paper. I would do that

and then I'd go get him a 12 pack of Budweiser in cans. I'd go get two six packs of bud and cans. The coldest ones and I bring him back and he had a cool already with an ice block on the bottom. he's the guy who taught me how to drink Budweiser cold. I love Budweiser beer.

I don't give a fuck about your HMO. I don't give a fuck about your I-J-E. You know those beers people drink? What are they? What are they called? I-A-B or whatever the... IPA. I don't give a fuck.

There ain't nothing better in the Budweiser. When it's cold and a can, there's no beer that's better than that. Or second, honorable mention, a fucking freezing Heineken. A freezing Heineken that gets put into an ice-cold mug, listen go fuck yourself with your IJP or whatever the fuck you call it nothing better in the car this motherfucker will put two cases uh two six packs of

Budweiser and a fucking cooler on a sheet of ice and then put a bunch of ice on top he'd have like three or four left so by the time I come back with the beer we could start on that one and by the time we got to this one and I shouldn't say we unless he had a mouse in his pocket because I only got to drink one of those motherfuckers He would only give me one. I was only allowed to drink one after I did that whole process. I would crack that fucking Budweiser, and he would do, he would drink the another 11 Budwises in the time it got to paint it and seal it.

And then once I did the fucking whatever, I was done. I would just take the tape off. He would fucking wash it with some water to seal it. And we would get the fuck out of there. So it was three hours total, maybe two and a half hours, three hours. stairs and he would pay me like 85 bucks. So I was making $2.50 a week just from her father.

And if I got into a Coke pinch, I could ask her father to give me an advance and I would work it off. So one time we broke up and I owed him money and she's, I'm like, I'm not paying him. We broke up and she's like, you got to pay my dad. I don't care if you don't want to date me no more. But you got to pay my dad. So I had to

fucking do the bad tubs while I wasn't, while she was dating somebody else that sucked dick. But it was yeah she called me the next day and she's like can we talk and I'm like yeah and she goes bro

that was fucking phenomenal she goes I go on away with trips I do this I do that I go to concerts and that's the best three hours I've spent with somebody in a long fucking time and we just talked about our lives

and what had been going on but like I'm here to tell you man I love therapy I love talking to people about shit when I have it going on but there's always that one fucking friend that is better than therapy. She really is better than therapy.

You could just call her up, tell her what's going on, and she would just tell you what's happening with your life, and that's what happened this week. It took an outsider to look at me and go, there's what's going on with you. She goes, I see it right. I see you. You're right in front of me.

She goes, I saw you before you went to prison. I know you when you were a kid. I saw you before. You got into drugs. I saw you while you on drugs. I saw you before you went to prison, before you were homeless, after you were homeless. And she goes, you're doing the best that I've ever seen you. She goes, you shouldn't worry about anything.

I mean, she goes, you look healthy, which thank you. You guys keep telling me. I don't feel that fucking healthy. I got to pee every 15 goddamn minutes, so I don't feel that fucking healthy. But it's just great. I think that when I said I wanted to come back here and reconnect with friends, I think it meant friend. I think it meant, I really like her a lot. Since Wednesday, we've talked like maybe three times about different things in life.

She's, you know, she's thinking of retiring. Her husband's retiring in April. I mean, it's just like we met each other at a different part of the fucking bridge. And it's just great to know that you've had friends for that long, that you've kept it together. You know, I was starting to feel a little, I don't know, ever since I got back here. You know, my friends all have their own lives now and stuff like that, and I had to put that all into perspective. It's not when we were kids and we were going to fucking six of games

and three nights a week, it's all changed. We all have families and we all have obligations. But I got to tell you something, man, it's important. And, you know, when I got back here, I was going out to dinners with friends, like three or four buddies at the time. We would go out to dinner. And I was having a good time, but I wasn't really feeling fulfilled. filled, you know, like it just felt like I went out of dinner.

This, yeah, they felt like I think I have to do more one-on-one. Like, it felt I got something out of it and she got something out of it and so did I. So if you have a good friend, maybe this week, it's a good week to fucking call them. Somebody you haven't spoken to a while that knows you inside and out. Because we don't really think about these people a lot in our fucking busy worlds. maybe they're going through something and you haven't called them in a while maybe it's time to call that person i'm happy that just sometimes talking about

just talking about what's going on in your world with somebody who knows you with no obligation you know sometimes you're like an aunt they're related to you you know i could talk to my wife she's known me for 23 years but this girl knows me when i was the happiest i was when i had a mom she knew me in my darkest time She knew me in the struggle, and now she knows me now that I accomplished becoming a man. And with all the doubts I had for, and I didn't have many of them lately, but I think meeting with her and just talking with her for that three hours made a big difference.

And all I want to tell you guys, the Monday motivation is that, you know, those friends you haven't heard from in a while because of the pandemic, the pandemic fucked up shit for a lot of fucking people. And it fucked up shit for me. and my communication with some people. Some people took it the wrong way or whatnot. Listen, if you haven't talked to somebody a long time and you've been like a breath to this person,

check up on them this week. In fact, I'm going to check up on a couple guys this week. That's time. We were friends since grammar school. And ever since I got back here, I've said we're going to get together from Ray Canella to Mr. Barone, my teacher. You know, I'm going to bring him a copy of the book.

So I think that doing that last week really put a fuck. and really put a wind in my sale. And maybe I'll help you out. Maybe you don't need a wind in your sale. I don't need dick, Joey. I just need to sling dick and smoke pot. Maybe you can have that too.

It's March fucking six, cock suckers. This is the Monday motivation. Have a great week. Stay black. And don't forget, Amazon.com. You can pre-order fucking tremendous to Uncle Joey's story. That's it.

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