The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - ROAD RAGE WAS INVENTED IN NJ | #235 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: March 20, 2023

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, March 20, 2023…  This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH This episode is also brought to you by Liquid I.V., Stamps.com & BetterHelp… Liquid IV Support the show and get 20% off at https://Liquid-IV.com by using code JOEY at checkout. STAMPS Visit https://www.stamps.com & use code JOEY to get a free trial. BETTER HELP Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor  https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget... The Mind of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz  #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps #RocketMoney The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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and enter code Joey. It's that easy. Let's get this party started, baby. It's Monday morning. We got shit to do and people to see. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Who cares? Fucking YouTube is still going to take it down.

It's Monday to 20th. A beautiful fucking day to be alive. Spring has come. You know what I'm saying? Lee was saying to me, you know, it's spring. Aren't you excited? I go, yeah, I'm excited. Now it's hot out.

Now I get to stand outside with the beep I don't like. You know what I'm saying? It's the same fucking thing. Spring is great. I love it. It's going to rain a lot. It's been fucking cold in Jersey last couple days. That's why I got the heavy.

Excuse me. I'm still burping up my little chocolate milkshake, my little protein shake, made with water and fucking protein powder. Who the fuck? When did this become popular? I got to put like 20 ice cubes in my blender. I give the fucking protein shake substance. Water with protein.

I mean, listen, milk will fucking clog me up anyway. I mean, I do like two protein shakes a week. I have this other recipe that I do with raspberries, coconut water and vanilla protein powder. I just can't find a vanilla protein powder. I think it's out of stock the fucking COVID put it back and everybody's delayed. I don't know what the fuck happened. When I got here, it was always there to vanilla protein powder.

Now, and it's a certain vanilla protein powder. Like protein powders taste like dick. Let's get that shit out of the way. There was one protein powder that I loved. And that's on it. The original protein, the cacao shake protein they had, was so fucking delicious. It was so fucking delicious. And then they switched over to the Mexican chocolate, and that was good, too.

But all, I try, you know, when you go to a fucking vitamin place, I try, like, the littlest container of the protein pot. I tried, like, three of them. They taste like dick. See, when I was a kid, you had egg and milk protein. that tastes it like nothing. So when you made a shake, you just put two scoops of that in, a fucking some hogging-dard vanilla ice cream in that motherfucker, and some weed germ, forget about it.

You'd be fucking humming like a bird, cucketuckers. People keep asking me, why don't I run for fucking politics? And I'm like, you know what? I'm a felon, but then I'm like, wait. If fucking Santos could pull it off, I could definitely pull it off, guys. This fucking guy I mean, you know, just a I keep laughing at this shit

that he fucking beat some guy out of dog money or some shit like this. I've done a lot of creepy fucking things but I've never beat somebody out of fucking dog money. That's for God damn sure. But it's a beautiful day. We got a great week coming up. We got a fucking arrest warrant for Putin.

We got fucking Trump's going to jail tomorrow. There's an arrest warrant for him. I mean, you know, I'm not even into politics and I don't give a fuck but I'm kind of jealous everybody's got an arrest warrant where's my warrant

how come I don't fucking get arrested last week I almost got a fucking arrested this is a great story for you guys because people are losing their fucking minds guys I leave Jiujitsu I'm behind my friend

Ken Chan we're both like I'm right behind maybe two car legs I'm doing the speed limit okay there's a carvilla on the corner in old bridge off of 520s my favorite fucking carvel

it's a drive-through and they've been there since jesus left chicago the woman who owns it when she's working there in the daytime that's the best fucking carvel anything you'll ever get in your life she's been working with them for years anyway we're right there I'm counting the numbers seven six five so I know I got to beat this jersey yellow

So I see Ken runs the yellow as soon as it turned. So I got time and I run the yellow. Only I'm looking straight ahead. And as Ken runs the yellow, a person is sitting there with their fucking Toyota, whatever the fuck it is. And waiting. Now, this person could have waited till he gone. But no, he stepped on it. He or she, God forbid, he's she, he stepped on it.

cutting my friend off. Like my friend was just fucking beating a light and you want to pull out in front of them slowly, you dumb fuck. So now I see her or him go this way and my friend Ken goes around. But now I'm stuck with her. I've been fucking, you know, I'm busting through that light

and now I slow it down. She wasn't even doing 40 or 30. She kept it like that for five minutes. at like 20. And now the people behind me are beeping at me. And I'm like, what the fuck? It's not me. You know, I can't say anything.

I'm just driving the fucking car. And I'm like, what the fuck is this lady doing? Or this man, whatever the fuck it is, because he got tinted windows. So finally, you know, 20 miles a fucking hour. I'm doing 22 behind her. It's definitely a 35 or a fucking 40. After five minutes, I get fucking fed up his shit. I got shit to do.

I got to take a shit. I'm hungry. I got to meet somebody. I fucking gunned that car You know, it was legal to go around The had the one line, you know I go around I'm doing like fucking

I just, she had me pinned for so fucking long That when I blew around I just had to get the fuck out I'm like this lady I'm gonna kill this dumb motherfucker So I pull around and I just Take the fuck off

Right, I take it, I get on the fucking nine I'm about to hit the nine and do you know I look up at the rearview mirror and here that car comes with smoke coming out of it. It's doing like 100. You were doing 20

for fucking 10 minutes. Now you want to be fucking speed racing. She pulls up next to me. It's a she. African American woman. Cute as fuck. She pulls up and she goes,

excuse me, and she got a phone in the hand. I taped you when I called the police I'm trying to drive my son. I'm doing the speed limit. And I was just looking at her like, I'm not going to say nothing. This ain't enough to say.

And she goes, are you listening to me? I'm going to call the police and they're going to arrest you for speeding by me. And, you know, I got my son in the car and I'm trying to be safe. She had Georgia plates. And I go, stop it right there. Stop right there. So you're doing 20, but then for the last half mile you're doing 80 to catch up to me. Get the fuck out of my face.

The light turned green I just went. When I was at the next light down, she comes. comes around again with the cell phone again like, you know, I'm like, call the police. Call the police. What do I? I mean, I didn't do nothing. First off, guys, I got zero points on my fucking license. And it's been like that for the last fucking 15 years.

Okay, I've got, you know, I got zero points on my license. I think the most points I've ever had that my license was two in Colorado because I ran the fuck. I was doing 40 and a 35 one of those blinking lights with the fucking school zone. And I was fucking, another time I did something. Oh, I was driving with a car, a for sale sign car, one of those fucking dealer cars. And they had like 1998 clearance. You can't drive with ink on your fucking windshield. So they gave me a point for that.

That's the most I've ever fucking had. So I obey the fucking driving rules. I don't obey shit, but I've got to tell you something. You can't do dick without a fucking car. You could do plenty without this, plenty without that. But you lose your fucking driving. privilege, your driving privileges, you don't know what life is. And trust me what I'm telling you, you lose your driving privileges, you don't know what life

really is. I never lost my driving privileges, but for a long time, I had a fucking drive around a bus. And guys, it sucks to lose your fucking driving privilege. I'm just letting you know. So that was my adventurous week. Every week I have something with the cop. I mean, I haven't talked to a cop in years, knock on fucking wood. but I always have some lady driving

somebody's not fucking happy a couple weeks ago I went to get something at the fucking at the health food store a lady outside somebody hit a car okay what do you want from me well you know there was only there's only four cars in the parking lot

that had to be one of you guys lady you parked all the way over there and I'm parked all the way over there how did it well I like to call the police and take a picture of your car I'm taking a picture all four cars listen lady you're not doing nothing.

I got shit they're doing people to see. If you want to call the cops, take my license plate, tell them my left the scene of an accident. But there was no accident. There was nothing. There was nothing. Your car is over there,

and I'm fucking over here. So every week is fucking something. Anyway, what I want to talk to you about today is I got good news. The audio book is done. It wasn't a pain of ass at all. It was nice and smooth. You know, I didn't look at that.

story since I submitted it a year and a half ago. I submitted that maybe 15 months ago. So the first couple days of going through it, I was just learning my, I was just learning the fucking, uh, the ropes. I was just learning my pace and whatnot. I was doing like three hours a day and I went through the chapters the night before just to make it smoother, just to know where I had to take pauses and stuff like that. You know, when you do an audio book, you don't want to be like, and I know when you listen to it,

you're going to go, Joey, what are you fucking stupid? There's parts in there where I can tell you're reading. Yeah, but it has to be more communication like me, just very nonchalant, very whatever. And it was funny, you know, all the chapters were still intact. What I do have to say about the book is, there's a couple stories you heard already. But the beauty of the book is it gives you the backstory to why that story is special and why I remembered that story.

That will help you understand more about what I was going through at the time. You know, the book is in three phases. It's my early life, life after my mother died, and then my comedy life. You know, so we get them together at one point. It's kind of like Arrow Smith's book I like. It's going to mix and it's going to confuse you. but once you read more, you'll understand what the fuck we're talking about. And I got to tell you, the chapters that were most fascinating to me

that I forgot about my life earlier, with my early childhood, there was a lot of shit that I looked at. And even though we went through it and stuff, I was like, wow. Since we wrote the book, I haven't really thought about that. Or maybe I hadn't thought about that since the thought came up to me, that I had to put that in the book, you know? And there was one chapter that really started. stuck out with me in the last two weeks.

I mean, all the chapters are good and there's self-explanatory. There's some funny stuff in there. But it's so funny how when you tell a story and write a story and read it, when you listen to a story and then read the same story, it's two different things. It really does, like the hookah story made me fucking how. You know, even though I've lived that hookah story a thousand times, reading it made me fucking how, you know? But one of the stories in that book that really resonated with me,

and I hope it resonates with you guys, because it was, well, it resonated with me. To me, it was bigger than what it appeared in the book. That's what I'm trying to fucking say. A little liquid IV, a little strawberry. I'm out of the fucking Concord grape and the cherry, but the strawberry is kicking, motherfuckers. But there was, you know, my mother died.

That's the big anchor in the story. But before my mother died, what made my mother's debt even more sensationalized was, you know, in the eighth grade, I played in 78. I played, wow, 25 fucking years ago. No, that's 22 and the 23, 45 fucking years ago. Interesting year, interesting. You know, I played for St. Michael's for two years. I had to take a bus back and forth. You know, we came back.

You know, when you're in the eighth grade, it's just great to take a bus with your friends. And after that, you fucking get a slice of pizza. I don't know if we smoked pot done. Yeah, I think I did. But, like, every quarterly, like, I smoked pot, you know. It wasn't like a daily fucking thing. And we would go to practice, like, twice a week. And it was a great team.

Some of these guys are still around. I'm going to see these guys next Saturday night. Whitey and my friend Chuckie and just a couple guys that I haven't seen basketball. ball friends. And a couple of us played together down there. Mike Hennessy from Emerson. He's working for the town now, North Bergen, the center for the Green Bay Packers.

I forget what his name is, number 52, was in the eighth grade with us. He was out of Emerson High School. He played for Sacred for St. Michael's also. We were tight group of kids. Who knew? We were in the eighth grade. We just showed up in practice.

I remember we broke into the fucking Catholic diocese one night. We stole all the stickers for the booster that you had to sell for a dollar. And we got a fucking ear beating from the priest over there. It was just, you know, it was one of those kid memories that you look back on. You go, that was a lot of fucking fun. And they were chillies. You know, and we were not sexually active. We were nothing.

We were just dreaming of kissing a girl at the fucking. time probably, you know, dancing slow with them at a fucking dance or something like that. And, you know, I had met girls along the way and we held hands and whatever. Who the fuck knows what happened? But I ended up meeting this cheerleader, you know, and I liked her even more because she wasn't from North Bergen. She was from Union City. She was just a nice, sweet Irish girl.

Freckles, red hair, cuter than fuck, hung out. Her girlfriends were hotter than fuck. She hung out with a Cuban girl. That was great. and a little, another Irish chick. And, you know, it would be like me and fucking, I forget these kids anymore. Hennessy and we'd fucking, after practice,

we'd always go around the corner to a pizza place in Union City and get some pizza where now it's fucking Obama. That's the name of the grammar school or the middle school. It's like Obama, it's fucking beautiful. When I went down there to get a thing a couple years ago, I mean, I had a fucking, it was breathtaking. of how much has changed down there, you know.

But I knew that area well. Like I had been in the city all my life. That area down there, I kind of knew. The only time I went down in like that under 20th street area was to get T.HC. Crystal, Angel Dust. There was a bar on like 22nd Street in New York Avenue across the street from the county morgue. And we'd go down there and get pizza.

There was a movie theater down there, a Cuban movie theater called, scene at Tony that had American movies with Spanish subtitles and the owner had a wig and we'd throw penis at his wig and shit like that. You know, I had been down there, but I didn't know the area like Union City where my mother's bar was. So, you know, in the eighth grade, I meet this girl

and we're all friends afterward. You know how like the Chile is coming out with the basketball players to eat and we'd go to the pizza ball and we'd sit together and we were awkward. You know, we were socially awkward with these girls. but, you know, we talked to them. We were kind of like gentlemen.

Nobody was really cursing. And I started talking to this one girl, and we kind of became tight. You know, we would just talk, talk, talk, talk. And one day she gave me a number, and I would talk to her at night. And, you know what? We became kind of an item.

When I say an item, I mean, like, we would, after a game, when we played games, we played them by North Bergen, up by West New York or something. So after the games, we'd walk down Bergen-Line Avenue, holding hands,

and torture and Chinese owners, and fucking going into album stores and talking about the albums we wanted to buy kids shit and we go like Burger King with them and buy them like a chicken sandwich and we'd hold hands and that's it there was no big fucking deal.

We went home and we dreamed about putting cologne on and making out with them one day whatever the fuck you dream of as a fucking 13 year old. Well I fucking you know we start making out after a few months with together like from maybe November to maybe February

until the season's over. We're together. And then once the season ended, I didn't have a reason to go down there. So it kind of got tough to go down there. So I would go down there maybe like on Saturdays and we'd take a walk on Bergenle and maybe go to a movie. You know, stupid kid shit.

I know you people want to hear like, were you fucking, where you're lighting a pussy on fire? Not even close, man. Not even close. I wasn't even thinking like that back then. I was just happy with holding the girl's hand and swamp and spit and going to a movie with them. I wasn't even thinking of fucking sex or nothing.

But that didn't last for long. So it was one of those president weekends. Like in February, the season probably ended the first week of February. And it was like president's season. It was like it's not how it is now where they have President's Day. and you have both presents, they celebrate Washington and Lincoln. So let's say my birthday was the 19th. That was February 19th on a Monday.

That'd be Washington's birthday. But the 12th, the Monday before, would be Lincoln's birthday. So I don't know if it was a holiday. I don't know what the fuck it was. I think we got a lot of snow. And the schools were closed for like a week. And we kept talking about, I don't know, one night when we were swapping spit us, something she said something about second base or something about sucking the titties and again i wasn't

even there like i was still a catholic kid i thought if i would suck a titty's or try to touch a pussy i was going to hell you know how you're a fucking geek when you're a kid so i don't know we were just talking about it and she was like i think i'm ready for the next step and i'm like what's the next fucking step i don't know and she's she He's like, I don't know, maybe we should dry hump. Guys, I had no idea. So I went down there a couple times, and we kind of dry humped and swap, spit. I mean, we had no place to go.

We were in the fucking eighth grade. So I would have to, like, dry hump her outside on a wall behind St. Michael's, you know. Disgusting. So this conversation went on about us, you know, dating exclusively and all this shit. I'm getting, you know, I was in love with basketball. At that time, it was like when I was doing coke. My first love was cocaine. Stand online.

Stand online, mom. Stand online, dad. Stand on line, wife. My first love is cocaine. My second love is fucking comedy. You know, at the time, there was no comedy. But my fucking love is, you know, fucking basketball. And I was a Catholic kid.

I didn't know anything about it. I heard about people getting. knocked up and shit. So I was like, I'm not knocking up a woman. You know, I was, I was very against. I loved to tell you I was different that I was slinging dick in the sixth grade. No.

So we talk and we're like, okay, we don't have school next week. Let's make a date to come down your house. I don't know how we came to conclusion, like your parents work or something. And she's like, yeah, whatever. So I go, listen, what I'll do is next week, I'll come down one day. and we'll fucking hang out, whatever.

I didn't know what to expect, you know. So on Monday morning, it's about 50 degrees. You know, the snow's gone. They're still shoveling snow. It's starting to melt. And I take my little bicycle, and I ride it down to 15th Street, St. Michael's, and I meet her outside. And we walked back to a house,

and we drink like fucking Kool-Aid. We made like grape Kool-Aid, we powdered sugar and ice cubes, and we had like Entemans coffee cake. We had some of the parents bought it or something. So we walk up to a house, we eat. We kind of giggling. We put the TV on. We start swap and spit, and I knew I was a little Catholic fag and whatnot,

but my dick got hard, and I was taking it to the next level. And I got on top of her, and we were dry-humping, whatever. We were just two fucking kids. We didn't know what the fuck was going. on and she was like what do you want to do you know when you're a kid you're like what do you want to do i don't know what do you want to do i don't know what do you want to say it you show it to me first no you show me yours no you should you know it's one of those things and finally i just wanted to be safe and you know before i was sorry and i go hey what time do your parents get home and she goes

well my sister gets home at like five my dad gets home at like 5 30 And my mother's dead. And I was like, come again? And she's like, you know, my father comes home at 5.30. My sister gets home about 5. And my mother's dead. And I'm like, dog, I think we were holding hands. And I like threw her hands down.

I'm like, what do you mean? Your mother's dead. And she's like, yeah, my mother died when I was a little girl. Dog, my whole fucking system, my whole belief system just hit the fucking toilet. It was like, what? Your mother's dead. You know, sometimes you do things and somebody opens your mind up with something.

Like, Mike, when you play the guitar, you could throw gasoline on the top thing and play, you know, whatever the fuck you want to do, you know. People open up your mind. Sometimes you're not ready for something and people up your mind. Sometimes when I go to Jitsu, they teach me a move I can't fucking do.

But from doing that move, I learn something else. I go, oh, look at this opening here. I never saw that before. It's called expanding your mind. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just evolution. Guys, when I went down there, I didn't know what to expect. You know, I didn't know if I was going to have sex.

It's not like I had a condom in my pocket, and I had fucking cologna, and I was all fucking hot and sticky. I had gone down there just to swap spit with her, maybe hang out with her. I was an only child. I was starting to explore women, girls, whatever the fuck I was doing. When she told me her mother died, my whole fucking everything just died.

I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? And she started explaining to me, her mother died, blah, blah, blah, blah. But the more she explained it, the more she was starting to scare me. Like, it was like an exorcist-type fucking situation for me. Like, I couldn't even believe I was in the house. At that time, not only was I a real Catholic little nerd,

but I was also a Santa Ria guy and I'm like, if I'm in this house with this fucking energy that her fucking mother died, somebody in my life is going to fucking die. I'm like, I'm not going to hang out with this girl no more. I remember I made up some story, how I had to fucking leave and I fucking got on my bicycle

and I got the fuck out of that. I didn't call her for like three days. Guys, when I tell you that, you know, like when a girl turns you down, you get like a little hot, you know, or somebody says something to you get a little hot for like two days but then you're like what am I going to do

even though I wanted to mess around with her and even though I liked her as much as I did I fucking knew I was going to ever see this girl again like it was just too much for my body and my mind to

fucking comprehend yes I had a father who died what do you mean? Do you think it's from that? What do you mean? Like no knowing how she feels. I I never, Mike, I never, at that time, as stupid as this fucking sounds, I never, even though my father was gone, I never comprehended your mom not being around. I could not comprehend that. I had watched something or something years earlier where they said, anybody could be your father, but you only have one mother.

I think it's a fucking horrible statement because not everyone. Everybody could be your father. And I think that statement ran, you know, just went in my head like, you know, your mother. Guys, I did not understand the fucking statement. When she said she didn't have a mother and her mother had died, I'm not joking. I'm not trying to be funny. I'm not trying to be cute. It destroyed me because I didn't think that was possible.

I never thought that no matter what bad a situation, I never saw it coming. You know, I think in Godfather, too, they shoot the mother. But that was a movie. Do you follow in the San Antonio? Like, that's a fucking movie. And you're left as a young child. I can never even picture like a mother dying. Like, I didn't think that was fucking possible.

I just could not talk to it. It took me about a week, a couple days. to call her up and ask her how she was doing. And then she kept saying to me, what am I going to see you? What am I going to see you? And I kept lying to her. I'm really busy with basketball. I got to go out to Carney for the AAUs.

I just kept lying to, and no matter, like, how much I thought about, like, I got a fucking, I got to fucking go down there and just break it up with her like a man. Guys, I could not get, I didn't want to be around. How the fucking your mother be dead? All I kept thinking about was what can you have done in your previous life for your fucking mother to die? That's all I kept thinking about. More after the little break here. Now, for a word from my sponsors.

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Back to the story, cock-suckers. So that's all I kept figuring out. What can you have done? What did you do in your previous life? Did you kill a bird? Did you run over an old lady? What did you do in your previous life that you don't have a fucking mother?

It took me about a month to get the carriage up and I had to call her up like a man and go, Colleen, you know, I really enjoyed dating you. When I said that, she goes, what are you talking about? And she wasn't a painy ass. She wasn't anything. She was a sweet, loving little Irish girl. those are the only girls that ever dated me.

She had freckles. She had red hair. She was fucking beautiful. But man, I could not come to terms at her not having a mother. And I tried everything I could. I mean, I was 13. Fucking hormones were raging.

And that's what she kept talking to me about. Like, are we ever going to have sex? What are we going to do? And I'm like, uh, uh, not fucking never. And we graduated the eighth grade. and I never saw her again. I made it a point not to ever see her again.

Like they would have little parties and invite my friends and they'd say, hey, you got invited? I'm not going down there. That fucking girl don't have a mother. I'm like, fuck you. I'm not going around that fucking girl. In a way, it made me appreciate

my mother a lot more. Like, I went home that day and I didn't say nothing to my mom. But I was like, how do you mother die? I could not get over it. And when I called her, I even felt worse because she started crying. And she was like, I don't know why you're doing this.

And I could never tell her. Because you don't have a fucking mother. I could never, ever fucking tell her that. And then that was, you know, May of 78, maybe April of 78. We both graduated in June. I didn't see her again. I think you checked in with me when I got back from five-star camp

you know, like how did it go? I'm cheering for you for the freshman team because that's what I told. I got to get ready for the freshman team. I'm fucking starting next year. I got no time to be fucking holding hands talking about your dead mother. I did not.

I'm telling you guys, it fucking killed me. So you figured out it was 78, you know, I had forgotten about her. I had never seen her again. I went to high school. never fucking saw her again. I bumped into a friend years later, the Cuban girl,

but we'll get to that story some other time. I never saw her again. I always felt guilty. If you know anything about me, guys, I felt guilty. When I called it to break it off that day, she was very upset. It's shit that I can't handle. If it was me now, I wouldn't have never broke up,

but I would have just understood, but I didn't fucking understand. And you can't be mad at me for that. It was my biggest fucking fear at the time. Because I think I didn't have a father. You're right. I didn't have a father. So for me, I would be left with nobody.

Like it was just fucking, I couldn't even think about it. I could not even think about it. And, you know, for a year and a half, I just lived my life. Never thinking about Colleen. I did that purposely. I didn't want to think of somebody who didn't. have a fucking mother. And then November of 79,

I come home late one night, I'm having a good time, I'm on acid, I wake up in the middle of night, and I find my fucking mother. And I will never, ever, ever forget this moment. When I found my mother on the floor, I looked at the arm,

the whole bullshit, she was dead, I made the fucking call. I waited for the ambulance outside. They got there, they told me, they told me she was dead, you know, uh, do you have anybody your call?

I was like, yeah, I'll never forget that as she was pulling away, like as the ambulance was pulling away, Colleen's thought came to my fucking head. Like that, you know, I was so busy with my mother and this and that and the cops and, you know, finding paperwork and her license and whatever the fuck I was looking for. That I remember sitting on those steps and I thought of Colleen, and I just dropped.

I just fucking dropped. and I was like, holy shit, this has come full fucking circle, you know. I didn't know. I should have called her then. I was too busy with my own fucking grief. But I always thought about it. I thought about her a lot for years. How maybe even maybe thinking about that death brought death to my house, but all that is

bullshit. We all know that when your bingo number comes up, cuck suckers, your bingo number comes up. Cogsuckers, your bingo number. comes up. You could drink all the turmeric you want and fucking olive oil and fucking all the vegan shit you want. You know, when

God decides when your bingo number comes up, all that pomegranate juice, they don't give a fuck, you know what I'm saying? All those laps you ran, nothing matters after that, you know, so I felt guilty about Colleen

for years that I did that to her. I mean, I think in my world, that's the worst fucking crime I've ever done in my fucking life. I stopped being a girl's friend because she didn't have a mother. How disgusting is that? And now there I was two years later with no fucking mother. And for years, I thought about Colleen, you know. So about, I don't know, maybe five years ago, one night I was high on whatever the fuck I was on.

And I looked her up on Facebook, and there she was. She was. She's still beautiful. If I'm 60, she's got to be like 58. Real pretty face. She's married. One of her kids is not well. One of her sons is not well.

Until this day, I don't find the strength to apologize to her. I've apologized to everybody. I've got kidnapped, my ex-wife, teachers. you know, I've learned to apologize to everyone. For some reason, I cannot fucking write an apology to this girl. Maybe call her up, you know. So that's my goal for the next couple weeks to figure out that'll be full circle for me. I got to figure out how to apologize.

And she doesn't even fucking know. I'm not going to say it to her. I'm just going to tell her that I'm sorry, you know. What happened between us, I know we were fond about each other, but my head was somewhere else, you know. I'm not sure if she reached out to me and my mother died. I'm not sure. I really, really got to think about it.

Because now when I'm telling this story, I remember her Cuban girlfriend coming to the wake, but I don't know if she was one of them, but, man, if you want to know what haunts me today, it's not a lot of shit that you think that would haunt me. It's that story. that story has always fucked me up because man

I remember when it came back into my head that night after an ambulance took off and I was like fuck now I know what this really fucking feels like I gotta figure something out and guys it's been 45 years and I still can't figure out what to say to her Mike I have no idea

and I got the gift to gab I could talk to anybody you know I could talk to an Indian, I could talk to a Spanish guy. I still won't even know how to fucking enter this conversation with it. It's the scariest fucking thing in the world, man. But it's crazy of things that we hide or that we did, and it's crazy of things that you hide. It's crazier things I've apologized to for people.

This is just a little bit fucking too hard for me, man. I've apologized to my uncle. We held guns on each other. I've apologized. Jesus Christ, I've apologized for every creepy thing I've fucking done, man. But this, I just can't get over apologizing to this girl. I wouldn't even know where to start.

But I do promise you guys at home because we all work together on coming full circle that I will have to do this. Maybe I'll do it before. There's two things I've got to do before this book gets released. It's apologized to her and tell my daughter about her older fucking sister and why we don't talk.

And that's going to be really fucking hard. Those two things, man, those are the two hardest things I've ever had to do. Forget about talking to judges. Forget about coming clean with my ex-father-in-law after I kidnapped the dude. Like I said, I have no problems with apology. But these two, well, the one I don't have to apologize to it,

but this girl is, this is going to fucking destroy me. before I told this story on here today, I went on the Facebook page just to make sure she was still there and she's still there waiting for me to apologize to her. Just talk, just start a conversation with her. It doesn't even have to start us an apology and just see how she is and where she's been

and what, see if she did that, reach out to you. That'd be something to start the conversation. Yeah, she lives somewhere in New Jersey. It's not close to here. It's one of those farm towns. I don't fucking know where it is. Jersey is fucking huge, man.

Jersey is huge. I didn't know how big Jersey was until I moved back here. And when people send me shit like, hey, are you coming to this next Saturday? I'll go on waves. It's like an hour 42. What? It's like that night I was going to go see Rudy in Vineland.

It was like an hour 20 or some shit like that. I'm like, I'm not fucking driving no hour 20. I thought Vineland was down the fucking block, man. But yeah, it's amazing what we could apologize for and what we can't apologize for. And I know a lot of you guys are listening to this podcast. You motherfuckers got some apologies to make to people. So we all do. We all do, man.

And we try to brush it off and stuff. Listen, if you know anything about me, I wouldn't give a Frenchman's fuck about this girl or the apology. I just feel for my own, you know what I'm saying? Sometimes you have to do things for you. just feel for my own peace of fucking mind that I got to call her. Not call her just message her on Facebook

but I don't know what the apology is for. How do I apologize because she's got a dead mother? Do I apologize because I broke up with her because she had a dead mother? Dog, I don't think a fucking 18 year old guy could have felt mature

about that situation. I mean the way you reacted was a little... Well, listen, man, let's get something fucking straight and every man hates to fucking say this i have come to terms at this and i say it all the time and i could see one when i see one you're either a mama's boy or you're fucking not i could cut it anywhere i can i could put tattoos on my head and be fucking super this and super that you're a mama's boy okay and i think that was that's the fucking answer right there i was a fucking mama's boy i could not even imagine not having a mom.

And here I am, 45 years later with no mom. And I got to be honest with you, I'm still waiting for my mom to make a comeback like John Lennon. You know, I'm still waiting for the both of them to come in together singing songs. I saw a woman here and there looked just like Yoko Ono

in a car, waiting out of light, and I was making a right turn. She looked so much like Yoko. I had to stop, and I looked at it for two seconds. It went, Yoko, and it just took off. And she was like, what? everybody keep calling me that? Well, because you fucking look like Yoko.

I didn't know the video with Chuck Berry and John Lennon and they shot her mic off. Oh my God. She's 90 years old. Most people that sung that bad would die when they're 61. We've had so many great musicians that died fucking Biggie Tupac.

But meanwhile, Yoko is still fucking alive pouring out bad music with that son that's never done a fucking thing. Sean's never done a thing The other one's pretty good Yeah no he's all gone too He sang one song And he was done come on

He came out after John died Sean and what's the other one? The other one I forget his name He looks just like his father And he sings just like him He was on tour with Primus recently Really? Yeah he kept doing something

But the young one Sean Sean's not doing nothing He did one thing Sean's not doing Sean's playing fucking Chopstick for Yon call That's not healthy for fucking anybody, man. It's not healthy for none of these motherfuckers.

Can't believe it's fucking spring. I didn't even know shit till yesterday. I looked at the calendar. I'm like, it's fucking spring. Is it today or Tuesday? The 21st. Tomorrow was fucking spring. Yesterday was brutal.

It's 37 degrees on Sunday. Today's kind of fucking nice. And by the end of the week, it's supposed to be fucking 70 degrees here. in Jersey. It's crazy that it did not snow. This is two fucking years that I expected. I mean, I had to eat my words every year. I'm like, yeah, there's always

snow on the 19 bitch. You better check your itinerary. You couldn't build an igloo for an aunt and this motherfucker. There's no snow at all. It's really fucking weird how this all changed. Like, in 40 years this changed this much.

40 years ago, I was walking around this fucking neighborhood and you'd be fucking freezing at the end of March. It was freezing still. It wasn't February of fucking January, but it was fucking freezing. So this global, whatever the fuck they're talking about, I'm going to stay away from it because I don't know nothing.

And I know they've politicized it, like the pandemic, whatever the fuck people talk about, they've politicized it. I don't even know what that means. I'm just using Bill Maher words right now, just to be a little fucking, you know, And that's it, guys. It's a beautiful fucking Monday.

It's a beautiful fucking week to be you motherfuckers. And pretty much we got another month of the books gets released. So I'm excited about that. I'm excited that we got done with the audiobook. I'm excited that we cut the podcast down to once a week and more alert. I'm excited. I'm not ready to do stand up yet. I'm just excited to be fucking excited.

But I want to talk to you about something, guys, real quick. I'm not Every Sunday I get a notification on my computer On the little iPad It tells you this week you were down 18% You used your computer You know

I noticed that the last three months I've been really down Like it's like Joey what the fuck Where you've been You used to post every day Now you post once a week Or you post twice a week But it's funny

Between posting And when I wake up in the morning, Sometimes, you know, listen, YouTube is the easiest thing for me to listen to music sometimes. I'll think of an album like this last week, I've been, Mike will tell you, I'm hooked on dirt again. The album Dirt by Allison Chains is fucking sensational. And you forget how good these albums are. And sometimes you put them on two weeks ago, it was Diary of a Madman. You know, a week before that, it was Santana.

I'm one of those fucking guys. I like music. but every time I go to YouTube if there's nine videos on this page here two of them are about health one of them is about side control

one of them is music and the other ones are just fucking hate like oh my God and there's no particular like they just hate on everybody and I'm going to explain

hate to you because I didn't understand hate until I started comedy and there was a guy Andrew Dice Clay that made me laugh now and he made me he made me laugh then and he still makes me laugh now and I watched him go from being a great comic to an overhead overnight sensation I mean let's fucking face it he was the first arena comic you know This guy was doing numbers you can never dream about. I remember I was there. I was part of his fan club. I liked what he did.

I wasn't one of these knuckleheads. You know, say a poetry thing, no. But I enjoyed him. I was there when, you know, he went on the MTV thing and he said whatever he did and he got banned from MTV. You know, I still remember these things. And I saw him from an HBO. special he did live in Philadelphia to just become this fucking rock a roller and I remember his

you know there was no internet back then but I remember every day his uh his name was in the paper every fucking day and I know that you guys think that you're hating that you're you know doing something spectacular and I get it there's not a lot I don't like everybody either that's what makes this world so special that we all can't like everybody but I'm not going to sit there every day and make a video about some comic I do not like. You know, for you people who love making these videos, you're making Brendan Shab, a millionaire. Do you understand this? Listen, I like Brendan.

I respect Brendan. Brendan's a fucking sweetheart of a guy. Listen, you guys went down there expecting to see George Carlin and you saw something else. So all of a sudden they saw his special and you don't like it. and all some people started terrorize him. And I know he says knucklehead stuff from time to time, but I know where Brendan's heart is. And I got to be honest with you.

If you don't like Brendan, that's fine. Listen, I don't like, you know, Carmel Rocky Road chocolate. And guess what? Do you think that fucking Carvel gives a fuck? Do you think that fucking Baskin Robin gives a fuck? They don't. Come in here and get something that you do like.

And that's fine. You know, I've expressed my shit about Roger Waters and whatever. Listen, he's a fucking multimillionaire. I'm not helping that fucking dude. I know everybody knows he's a dickhead. But, you know, when you guys pick on a comic or an actor or a band and you go after him like that, all you're doing with all your hate is putting tons of money in this fucking pocket. You guys say Brendan sucks, guess what?

But it's like the chick when she died. You know, I don't want to go to rehab. I said, no, no, no. I knew if I go there, she's going to be on heroin. I know she might pass out or I know she might not show up. Why are people paying $200 over fucking price tag to go to those concerts? Because it might be the best show. It might be the best show you ever saw.

But the main thing is people love a train wreck. And that's what they're doing it for, because people are watching train wrecks, and they're getting paid to make the train wreck show. There you go. So, listen, I love half these guys. Are they George Carlin? Are they Dave Chappelle by your standards? Are they Jerry Seinfeld?

No. Neither of mine. Guess what? I don't give a fuck. I didn't opt out to be Jerry Seinfeld or Louis C.K. I appreciate them. But I don't give a fuck. But when you guys keep...

making videos, like I just see random stupid shit. It's like you had the time to produce this. Think of if you took that time and did something positive with your fucking time. You'd be making the same money he's making by fucking,

and it goes into your pocket. But you're going to produce a video, you're going to get a couple of YouTube streams, some envelopes, and that's fine. But Brendan's still getting richer. And I'm not saying this is about Brendan. I'm not saying this about Brendan at all. I'm using him as an example

because, like I said, if I see 10 videos, four of them about fucking Brendan. So it's like, guys, knock it off. You don't like somebody, you don't like me, you don't like a certain comic. Move on. Move on. Comedy Central's got a thousand comics on there.

Netflix has a thousand comics, and guess what? YouTube even has more comics. So you don't have to bank it. on these guys. Like I said, for me, they're my friends. I know them. I love them. I wish them all well and shit like that. I don't like that they're getting fucking

torture every day. But at the same time, your hate is creating his fucking bank account. And meanwhile, you're struggling to buy the fucking car payment. So you talk to me about this shit. And with that, I love you

motherfuckers with all my heart. Thank you for supporting the fucking join. Thank you for your support of me, my Patreon, and I'll see you, motherfuckers, next month, next Monday, if there's no mouth surgery. I'll keep you cocksuckers posted in now for a word from my motherfucking sponsor, Jack. All right, I want to thank you guys for supporting the joint

and for supporting me and Patreon, everything we're trying to do here. Don't forget to get the book on Amazon. You're going to pay for shipping. There's another one, Thripbooks.com, where you get free shipping and it's $25.99, go there. This episode was brought to you by BetterHelp.

Like I said, learning who you are is a lifelong journey. BetterHelp is online therapy that can deepen your self-awareness until you're no longer making decisions you regret. That sounds tremendous. You're like, Joey, what's better help? Their therapy, it's convenient,

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